THEMQ
Headlines Ripped From Today’s Headlines.
Vol XIII Issue II
UC SAN DIEGO
October 25th, 2006
“Tuco, there are two kinds of people in this world: those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.” — Dr. Watson, UCSD Vice Chancellor
“Crocodile Hunter” Replaced by “Kangaroo Boxer”
Microskills Announces 2006 Valedictorian
Kangaroos gloved and forced to protect their young from a pugilistic clown.
“Oh,” intones Miles Mansington, recipient, “I didn’t see you come in.”
Somalia Annual Chancellor’s Chat Replaced by News in Brief Chancellor’s Counter-Strike Tournament Threatens to Test Electricity
Unidentified Mosquito Ritually Slain An as yet unidentified mosquito was butally slain in a ritual killing on Friday, according to police. “Right now, Jeremy Brockston is being considered a suspect. It seems to be a pretty clear case of homicide,” said police chief Dick Rammington. Outrage was voiced from local mosquito advocate groups over what is being called a perpetuation of an all-too-common indifferent slaughter of mosquitoes. “It’s hard enough trying to feed a thousand hungry larvae without being smeared all over some jerk’s arm right when you’re filling up on some nutritious O positive.” The mosquito’s body was found in several pieces when arresting officer Oswald Lowell pulled Brockston over for speeding and spotted dried blood on his arm. Probable cause led to a search of the car that yielded the mosquito’s corpse and the corpses of several other insects previously reported missing. “It was like the killing fields of Vietnam in there,” muttered Lowell, struggling to hold back tears. “But,” he added, “far, far worse.”
Monster Comes Out of Closet Last night, the monster who had spent eight years terrorizing local youth Billy O’Connell’s nightmares announced his open and unrepentant homosexuality. “I’ve been hiding in the closet for long enough,” remarked the hundred-eyed offense to God. “It was simply time for me to come out.” Billy recalled the monster’s announcement, following a particularly terrifying night spent shivering under his protective covers.
See CLOSET, page 2 THE MQ ASKS:
WHY AREN’T STUDENTS VOTING?
No Arms
.01%
Approve of the Current Administration
89%
To Stick it to the Man
5%
Diebold Voting Machine 21% Too Confusing Clinical Apathy
106%
No Free BBQ Following Vote
100%
margin of error +/- 218%
By Mohammed Suhail Staff Writer
S
PHOTO By dan zembrosky
Four weeks after the tournament, Chancellor Fox shows signs of obesity as a result of nonstop pwnage and a diet of Ho Hos. By Alexy Andrade Staff Writer
I
n a move that has surprised students and faculty alike, Chancellor Marye Anne Fox recently announced that an annual Counter-Strike Tournament will replace the Chancellor’s Chats. Traditionally, the online chats allowed students to log into a chat room with their UCSD student accounts where they were free to ask Chancellor Fox any question she wanted. Though this decision seems strange to the students and faculty, it is a little known fact that the Chancellor was once a member of the Green Berets. Fox claims that the game “reminds me of my best years as a member of the noble Berets.” As part of the 5th Special Forces Group, Fox was stationed in one of the four military regions of South Viet-
nam during the mid-1960s. Her military record is rarely mentioned because of the dishonorable discharge that ended her career. Captain Willard, leader of the 5th Special Forces, explained, “Fox became increasingly delusional and eventually strayed away from her division to set herself up as the god of a local tribe. We found her weeks later nude and holding the village at gunpoint for mangos.” The Chancellor has recently taken a liking to Counter-Strike, which is a first-person shooter multiplayer game in which teams of counter-terrorism forces are paired against a terrorist network. Fox recalls, “They weren’t called newbs back then. They were called gooks and we didn’t pwn them, we killed the shit out of them.” In an attempt to preserve the Q&A aspect of the chats,
Fox has agreed to answer one question for every terrorist regime that is triumphant against the faculty-led counter-terrorism forces. This announcement has been met with apprehension by students who feel that a CounterStrike tournament will lead to discrimination against newbs, amateur computer gamers. As a result, UCSD student Michael Hsu has joined select members of N.E.R.D and the A.C.L.U. to create the Joint Institution for Hostile and Amateur Discriminated Students, or J.I.H.A.D.S. Hsu commented, “Every member of this administration is our enemy.” The group of amateur gamers and political lobbyists demanded an explanation for the Chancellor’s bold move, but Fox’s only response was, “I’m the Chancellor, see, I do not need to explain why I do things. That’s the interesting
thing about being the Chancellor - I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation.” Fox has publicly scorned the creation of this new student organization and has vowed that any terrorist network linked to J.I.H.A.D.S. will be sanctioned and immediately removed from the game. Michael Hsu responded to Fox’s statements by calling them “unjust, criminal and in obscene violation of the historical PKer-Newb Accords of 1927.” A date has not yet been announced for the tournament, but student participation is expected to greatly exceed that of the Chancellor’s Chats, which in previous years were dictated by the age, sex, and location of the participants. It is predicted that students would much rather whine about rocket bitches that kill on sight than campus issues.
omalia announced plans to test their capabilities for making electricity yesterday, causing tensions in the war-torn African region to escalate and sundial prices to plummet. This comes only 4 months after a top CIA official told the New York Times that there was significant evidence that Somalia had ordered “at least 12 AA batteries and refined copper.” The unnamed official said that this is enough to operate six remote controls, which “can be used to detonate a bomb, or to watch AlJazeera.” The announcement drew immediate criticism from the United States, England and portions of Poland. “This move by the Somalians is obviously aimed at threatening our allies in the area, such as Israel and a small part of Iraq,” said President George W. Bush. “There is little to no use for electricity other than to use it as a weapon against our allies in the area and we refuse to allow Somalia access to such a weapon of mass destruction.” Bush later said, “Electricity within the African continent is a threat to world peace, and it is my job to make sure Somalia understands that our stance on this complicated issue is and will always be, ‘Go back to your corner.’” Somalian Prime Minster, Ali Ghedi, says that if anything, it’s just a “defensive” measure. “We will finally be able to recharge our iPods,” he said in a statement on Tuesday. “One of
See PHOTONS, page 2
Chris Wallace Mauled By Feral Bill Clinton ning of the interview. This is the sort of ferocious posturing we usually only see amongst the hris Wallace was hospital- most violent of primate species ized on Tuesday after for- when males fight over a prized female, or perhaps a highly atmer President Bill Clinton brutally mauled and urinated tractive rock.” Despite Clinton’s overt agon him during the course of a gression, Wallace taped interview. pressed on with the The former ‘Was your interview following president first beheart attack his war on terror came combative questions with such when Wallace asked God’s way inquiries as, “Was Clinton why he had of telling your heart attack not worked more God’s way of telling diligently to defeat you to you to change your Osama Bin Laden change your lifestyle, or punishduring his presilifestyle, or ment for leading dency. He then grew the country into even more aggrespunishment disaster?” and, “Do sive at the drop of for leading believe your presieach succeeding question. your country dency was a failure, or just largely mis“As evidenced into a understood?” by the tape, Clinton During the entered the studio disaster?’ course of the interpoised for a fight,” noted behavioral psychologist view Clinton devolved from Aaron Tanning while gesturing an articulate southerner to an inarticulate southerner, at a video screen displaying the incident. “Notice his noncha- foaming at the mouth and colloquialisms lant near-slouch at the begin- stuttering
By Dan zembrosky
C
Graphics Editor
that were neither appropriate nor encapsulated a logical thought. Wallace attempted to sooth the now flailing President by bringing up the topic of his charity work, or questions such as “Tastee Freeze or Fosters Freeze?” These attempted distractions were not enough to protect the Fox News reporter and he was soon overtaken by the sixty-year-old Rhodes Scholar, who proceeded to bite through his jugular, break his tibia and several ribs, and rupture one of his testicles. As the violence abated the Oxford University graduate unzipped his fly and drenched the unconscious pundit with a bright yellow, multivitamin enhanced stream of urine. Clinton was barely able to snarl the words “Mine now!” before being felled by a tranquilizer dart and taken away to Camp David, one of the few places where Clinton reportedly feels safe and can avoid unprovoked outbursts of indiscriminate ferocity.
PHOTO By tim etler
Clinton spent weeks perfecting his swinging neckbreaker.