THEMQ
Headlines Ripped From Today’s Headlines.
Vol XIII Issue II
UC SAN DIEGO
October 25th, 2006
“Tuco, there are two kinds of people in this world: those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig.” — Dr. Watson, UCSD Vice Chancellor
“Crocodile Hunter” Replaced by “Kangaroo Boxer”
Microskills Announces 2006 Valedictorian
Kangaroos gloved and forced to protect their young from a pugilistic clown.
“Oh,” intones Miles Mansington, recipient, “I didn’t see you come in.”
Somalia Annual Chancellor’s Chat Replaced by News in Brief Chancellor’s Counter-Strike Tournament Threatens to Test Electricity
Unidentified Mosquito Ritually Slain An as yet unidentified mosquito was butally slain in a ritual killing on Friday, according to police. “Right now, Jeremy Brockston is being considered a suspect. It seems to be a pretty clear case of homicide,” said police chief Dick Rammington. Outrage was voiced from local mosquito advocate groups over what is being called a perpetuation of an all-too-common indifferent slaughter of mosquitoes. “It’s hard enough trying to feed a thousand hungry larvae without being smeared all over some jerk’s arm right when you’re filling up on some nutritious O positive.” The mosquito’s body was found in several pieces when arresting officer Oswald Lowell pulled Brockston over for speeding and spotted dried blood on his arm. Probable cause led to a search of the car that yielded the mosquito’s corpse and the corpses of several other insects previously reported missing. “It was like the killing fields of Vietnam in there,” muttered Lowell, struggling to hold back tears. “But,” he added, “far, far worse.”
Monster Comes Out of Closet Last night, the monster who had spent eight years terrorizing local youth Billy O’Connell’s nightmares announced his open and unrepentant homosexuality. “I’ve been hiding in the closet for long enough,” remarked the hundred-eyed offense to God. “It was simply time for me to come out.” Billy recalled the monster’s announcement, following a particularly terrifying night spent shivering under his protective covers.
See CLOSET, page 2 THE MQ ASKS:
WHY AREN’T STUDENTS VOTING?
No Arms
.01%
Approve of the Current Administration
89%
To Stick it to the Man
5%
Diebold Voting Machine 21% Too Confusing Clinical Apathy
106%
No Free BBQ Following Vote
100%
margin of error +/- 218%
By Mohammed Suhail Staff Writer
S
PHOTO By dan zembrosky
Four weeks after the tournament, Chancellor Fox shows signs of obesity as a result of nonstop pwnage and a diet of Ho Hos. By Alexy Andrade Staff Writer
I
n a move that has surprised students and faculty alike, Chancellor Marye Anne Fox recently announced that an annual Counter-Strike Tournament will replace the Chancellor’s Chats. Traditionally, the online chats allowed students to log into a chat room with their UCSD student accounts where they were free to ask Chancellor Fox any question she wanted. Though this decision seems strange to the students and faculty, it is a little known fact that the Chancellor was once a member of the Green Berets. Fox claims that the game “reminds me of my best years as a member of the noble Berets.” As part of the 5th Special Forces Group, Fox was stationed in one of the four military regions of South Viet-
nam during the mid-1960s. Her military record is rarely mentioned because of the dishonorable discharge that ended her career. Captain Willard, leader of the 5th Special Forces, explained, “Fox became increasingly delusional and eventually strayed away from her division to set herself up as the god of a local tribe. We found her weeks later nude and holding the village at gunpoint for mangos.” The Chancellor has recently taken a liking to Counter-Strike, which is a first-person shooter multiplayer game in which teams of counter-terrorism forces are paired against a terrorist network. Fox recalls, “They weren’t called newbs back then. They were called gooks and we didn’t pwn them, we killed the shit out of them.” In an attempt to preserve the Q&A aspect of the chats,
Fox has agreed to answer one question for every terrorist regime that is triumphant against the faculty-led counter-terrorism forces. This announcement has been met with apprehension by students who feel that a CounterStrike tournament will lead to discrimination against newbs, amateur computer gamers. As a result, UCSD student Michael Hsu has joined select members of N.E.R.D and the A.C.L.U. to create the Joint Institution for Hostile and Amateur Discriminated Students, or J.I.H.A.D.S. Hsu commented, “Every member of this administration is our enemy.” The group of amateur gamers and political lobbyists demanded an explanation for the Chancellor’s bold move, but Fox’s only response was, “I’m the Chancellor, see, I do not need to explain why I do things. That’s the interesting
thing about being the Chancellor - I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation.” Fox has publicly scorned the creation of this new student organization and has vowed that any terrorist network linked to J.I.H.A.D.S. will be sanctioned and immediately removed from the game. Michael Hsu responded to Fox’s statements by calling them “unjust, criminal and in obscene violation of the historical PKer-Newb Accords of 1927.” A date has not yet been announced for the tournament, but student participation is expected to greatly exceed that of the Chancellor’s Chats, which in previous years were dictated by the age, sex, and location of the participants. It is predicted that students would much rather whine about rocket bitches that kill on sight than campus issues.
omalia announced plans to test their capabilities for making electricity yesterday, causing tensions in the war-torn African region to escalate and sundial prices to plummet. This comes only 4 months after a top CIA official told the New York Times that there was significant evidence that Somalia had ordered “at least 12 AA batteries and refined copper.” The unnamed official said that this is enough to operate six remote controls, which “can be used to detonate a bomb, or to watch AlJazeera.” The announcement drew immediate criticism from the United States, England and portions of Poland. “This move by the Somalians is obviously aimed at threatening our allies in the area, such as Israel and a small part of Iraq,” said President George W. Bush. “There is little to no use for electricity other than to use it as a weapon against our allies in the area and we refuse to allow Somalia access to such a weapon of mass destruction.” Bush later said, “Electricity within the African continent is a threat to world peace, and it is my job to make sure Somalia understands that our stance on this complicated issue is and will always be, ‘Go back to your corner.’” Somalian Prime Minster, Ali Ghedi, says that if anything, it’s just a “defensive” measure. “We will finally be able to recharge our iPods,” he said in a statement on Tuesday. “One of
See PHOTONS, page 2
Chris Wallace Mauled By Feral Bill Clinton ning of the interview. This is the sort of ferocious posturing we usually only see amongst the hris Wallace was hospital- most violent of primate species ized on Tuesday after for- when males fight over a prized female, or perhaps a highly atmer President Bill Clinton brutally mauled and urinated tractive rock.” Despite Clinton’s overt agon him during the course of a gression, Wallace taped interview. pressed on with the The former ‘Was your interview following president first beheart attack his war on terror came combative questions with such when Wallace asked God’s way inquiries as, “Was Clinton why he had of telling your heart attack not worked more God’s way of telling diligently to defeat you to you to change your Osama Bin Laden change your lifestyle, or punishduring his presilifestyle, or ment for leading dency. He then grew the country into even more aggrespunishment disaster?” and, “Do sive at the drop of for leading believe your presieach succeeding question. your country dency was a failure, or just largely mis“As evidenced into a understood?” by the tape, Clinton During the entered the studio disaster?’ course of the interpoised for a fight,” noted behavioral psychologist view Clinton devolved from Aaron Tanning while gesturing an articulate southerner to an inarticulate southerner, at a video screen displaying the incident. “Notice his noncha- foaming at the mouth and colloquialisms lant near-slouch at the begin- stuttering
By Dan zembrosky
C
Graphics Editor
that were neither appropriate nor encapsulated a logical thought. Wallace attempted to sooth the now flailing President by bringing up the topic of his charity work, or questions such as “Tastee Freeze or Fosters Freeze?” These attempted distractions were not enough to protect the Fox News reporter and he was soon overtaken by the sixty-year-old Rhodes Scholar, who proceeded to bite through his jugular, break his tibia and several ribs, and rupture one of his testicles. As the violence abated the Oxford University graduate unzipped his fly and drenched the unconscious pundit with a bright yellow, multivitamin enhanced stream of urine. Clinton was barely able to snarl the words “Mine now!” before being felled by a tranquilizer dart and taken away to Camp David, one of the few places where Clinton reportedly feels safe and can avoid unprovoked outbursts of indiscriminate ferocity.
PHOTO By tim etler
Clinton spent weeks perfecting his swinging neckbreaker.
Page 2
theMQ.com
POINT
Ewww... Hair in the Drain
October 25th, 2006
Photons: Will They Kill Us All?
By Kristin LeinDUNST
Disgusted Shower Denizen
O
k, so like I was going to take a shower today, and I get in and oh my god there was this huge wad of hair in the drain. It was for sure the sickest thing I have ever seen. I swear it was like one of those cats with the really long fur had eaten a small rodent and then licked its own ass and then coughed everything back up again. I was hella grossed out. I mean, you’d think my roommate would have the decency to clean it out, but nooo... she’s a self-centered bitch with nasty split ends. Really, who does something like that? Ugh, now I can’t take a shower and I totally have this party to go to tonight. Ok, maybe I can wash my hair in the sink. Oh goddamn it, there’s hair in the sink too. I bet you’re leaving it there on purpose, aren’t you Becky?
Christ, it’s like you’re the Hitler of hair with six million lying in the mass grave that is our drain. I guess I could use the kitchen sink. Alright, here it goes, ow, my neck, oh god this is uncomfortable. AAAHHHH SHAMPOO IN MY EYE! Holy hell this is almost as bad as that time my mother made me give Gramps a sponge bath to help with his psoriasis. No, this is like totally worse. Fuck you Becky.
COUNTERPOINT
Oh God, I’m Going Bald By Becky MARKS
Desperately Needs a Wig
H
oly shit a clump of my hair just fell out. Oh dear, there goes some more. It’s coming out in handfuls now... If this keeps up I’ll be bald in a week. It must be a side effect from the chemo I’m having for my ovarian cancer. Oh god, why me? What have I done to deserve this misery? Kristin… wait, why are you yelling at me? What? I left hair in the drain? Well yeah, that kind of makes sense since I’m GOING FUCKING BALD! Oh god oh god, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t let this get to me. I should be brave and strong. Ok, so I know it’s sort of
CLOSET: continued from page 1 The announcement, which occurred around midnight, was long expected by Billy and his friends. “On nights when we slept over at Billy’s, we’d hear scary noises coming from the closet. But then all of a sudden Cher or Barbara Streisand would start playing,” recalled
gross, and I’m sorry it bothers you. What? Your party? I don’t give a shit about your party. I’m kind of dealing with a lot of more important issues right now. Mostly like, HAVING CANCER, you insensitive bitch! eight year old Jeremy Schmidt. Jeremy added, “I could never decide which noise was more terrifying.” Billy also had his suspicions about the monster’s sexual orientation. “I’d find my sister’s Barbies in my closet all the time and I wouldn’t know how they got there.” Billy added, “I admit they are fun to dress up, though.”
photo by michael swaim
Zebras congregate around an experimental bulb in hopes of enjoying Somalia’s newest luxury: reading at night.
AFRICA: continued from page 1 the biggest motivations, however, is the new season of 24. I mean, how’s Jack going to get out of China? We’re on the edge of our dune over here!” Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said in an interview that she thought the main reason for this test was “to try to strike up negotiations with the United States for aid in exchange for not testing their electric capabilities.” She accused Ghedi of knowing that this would not happen, “especially if he
watches 24. Jack Bauer does not negotiate with terrorists.” John D. Alfer, an electrician who services the San Diego area, recalled that electricity can be very dangerous. “One time I went up to one of them telephone poles, and I touched that wire and it zapped me back to Mississippi, I tell ya’. I shoulda’ known though, it was purple—never touch a purple wire,” he explained in a thick, barely intelligible accent. Alfer confessed that he thinks that the Somalians “probably hate freedom,” at which point he pulled up his
right sleeve and revealed an American flag tattooed on his right bicep, which he flexed to the size of a small ham. “They’re right next to those Taliban and those Iranians, and they probably burn the flag and just jihad all over the place. Well they can try burnin’ this one!” as he turned around to show a flag on the back of his leather jacket. Um-dala Bukbuk, a Somalian expert at the University of California, San Francisco claims the Somalians won’t be shaken by the recent US threat of sanctions. “What are they going to sanction?” Buk-
buk added, “clay?” According to Bukbuk, the only things Somalia imports are Cheetos and Mountain Dew Live Wire. “You’d be surprised how long you could last on two bottles of Mountain Dew and a bag of Cheetos in the desert,” Bukbuk continued, “Quite a while. Yes, quite a while.” Bukbuk continued to say that Somalia would be capable of producing long-range missiles by 2085. “At that point,” he said, “Somalia may have the military capabilities of post-World War II France, which is unacceptable to the current administration.”
THEMQ
Editor-in-Chief.......................Michael Swaim Managing Editor.........................Evan Bloom Asst. Managing Editor........Dana Leindecker Content Editor..............................Drew Stark Design Editor..............................Utako Ueda Design Editor..............................Seth Lutske Graphics Editor.....................Dan Zembrosky Copy Editor................................Emily Knight
Web Czar........................................Tim Etler Web Potentate................................Joe Kelly Distribution Editor.....................Jordan Damp Illustrator......................................Scott Baba Business Editor...........................Ryan Kloos Muir Advisor................................Jill Corrales HA Advisor..........................Anthony Dagget MQ Dad..................................Abe Epperson
Staff Members Matt Barrs Megan Durham Danny Travis Nitay Joffe Ron Cootington Ashok Pathi Jon Hicken Kyle Smith Griffin Rowell Benjy Wachman Ashley Davis
The MQ: Crudely approximating orgasms for your entertainment. Tuesdays, Half Dome, 6:00 “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ and our members. While the MQ is a registered student organization at the University of California, San Diego, the University neither supports nor endorses this publication or its contents. Additionally, the views expressed in this publication do not represent those of the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. The members of the MQ, as publishers of the MQ, are entirely responsible for its content and they bear the full legal responsibility for any and all consequences arising from its publication.” All content is copyright © 2006 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. This production marked several rites of passage for me as Editor. For the first time, I feel like I’ve got a handle on this cacophanous monstrosity of pulped wood and ink. That’s rite of passage “a.” Rites of passage “b” through “h” involve the naked picture of me on page six and some meetings with Jordan in the back room that I’m trying my best to forget. But there was another big shift this cycle, and it came in the form of a gaggle of Freshmen intent on taking our little paper by storm. I hope you ejoy the hell out of all the fresh blood in this issue, because I sure did. You could feel the excitement in the wind, like someone whispering penis jokes in a light breeze. These newbs mean business, and I’m pleased as punch to announce that the future of the MQ is in awesome hands. The golden age rolls on, and I, having secured my legacy, am free to ride into the sunset, all goals achieved and all glory won. Yes, that’s right: I quit. At least for the next fourteen hours. Then, when I’m fully recovered, we’ll talk. I’m thinking some stock points, maybe a cut of the door action. In any case, good night and good riddance.
Greg Beardsley John Miller Jordan Damp Andrew Hallum Megan Lee Randell Baltazar Haley Misner Stacy Struhs Dana Leindecker Ray Mosco Kim Beswick
Anastasia Bendebury Beryl Kaufman Jeff Goldblum Margot Leong Ross Wagner Justin Gutierez Alexy Andrade Matt Brooks Other Matt Mohammed Suhail Nicole Clifford
Nicole Teixeira Brendan Hanrahan Kyle Lazzarevich Chris Kokiousis Zane Johnston Naomi Shiffman Alex Sinclair Michelle Gruneisen Dante Fergus Molly Haig Tyrone Jenkins
Booster Club Big ups to Emily for the fabulous dark brownies, Nastia for the Wheat Thins and the best hummus we’ve had this side of Israel (and cookies to boot), Brendan for more candy than we could possibly eat (though we did), Nicole for the chips and Wheat Thin supplements, Mohammed for the cream sodas, Mike for the old birthday cake, Taty for the boss shoulder rubs and Jordan for the Reese’s that no one ate. We like you the least. Please recycle.
theMQ.com
October 25th, 2006
Page 3
Nation’s Pedophiles Strongly Endorse Strip Search Bill
Apple Sues the Internet, Claims Copyright on the Letter “i” By Mohammed Suhail
A
Staff Writer
pple has recently filed suit against the Internet, claiming that it has been using the letter “i” in an unauthorized fashion. In the 23-page complaint filed last month, Apple claims the “Internet took part in infringement in an iMassive, or around 400,000 songs, scale.” Apple claims that any use of either lower-case or uppercase “i” beginning any word or by itself rightfully belongs to the company. The suit has named “the Internet, Interweb, Intraweb, World Wide Web, or any derivation thereof” as the defendant in the suit, but has yet to name any real people or companies. Speculations range from America Online, the first major Internet Service Provider to Al Gore, self-proclaimed creator of the Internet. Some have even suggested Merriam-Webster, who has, according to a top Apple official, “dedicated an entire section of their plagiarized book to words owned by Apple.” Merriam-Webster CEO Gordon T. Macombe says that the lawsuit is the most frivolous he’s ever heard of. “I don’t know how any company, let alone Apple, could have the balls to try to claim intellectual property on a letter of the alphabet. You can’t even spell English without ‘i’!” In response to this, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stated Thursday that etymology is just simply “liberal propaganda,” and further accused Macombe of “multiple copyright violations” due to his reference to himself in the first person. “Anyone who’s anyone refers to himself in the third person, and that’s what Steve really thinks,” Jobs said in his statement. In Apple’s opening statements on Monday, lawyer Nancy Heinen asked the jury if they could think of any words that begin with the letter “i”. “I’m sure that an incredibly
low number of individuals can think of any interesting words that begin with the letter ‘i’, and in fact, I can’t think of a single one aside from iPod, iMac, iBook and iTunes.” She went on further to say that in a recent poll, 9 out of 10 Americans could not identify a single word that began with “i,” while the 10th person replied “isthmus.” Fortunately, Apple began a project last month called iSthmus, where we will begin construction of five iLands off the coast of Africa.” So far, the case is stuck in a low-level court in Tennessee, although Heinen said that she would push the suit all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. Currently the court has assigned the Internet a stateappointed public defender named Jacob Whiting. His first day in court was, according to him, “absolutely horrible. I can’t even speak with my client because there isn’t Wi-Fi in the building.” He has also received numerous anonymous letters made from cut-out magazine letters saying the same thing: “We’re keeping our ‘i’ on you.” A group protesting Apple’s ridiculous use of legal precedent stood outside the courtroom waving signs that read “Buy A Vowel Someplace Else, Apple!” Susan Black, one of the protesters and a mother of 4 teenage girls, said that she her kids were “proud Windows users. They wouldn’t even dream of using something that started with a vowel.” She says that her “life is hard without the Vitamins A, E, and sometimes Y, but we manage.” After the bail was set, Al Gore was reportedly seen leaving the courtroom sporting a new chest-length beard and linen pants with a Hawaiian shirt and slippers. When prodded for a statement, he cleared his throat and slowly replied, “The child of my womb has been disgraced, and I with it.” It was unclear if he was referring to himself or the letter in question.
PHOTO By Tim Etler
Willis slowly raises his detecting wand, saying, “Billy, I’m afraid you’re setting the detector off...the detector in my pants.” By Nicole Clifford
P
Staff Writer
edophiles all over the US are applauding the passing of a new bill by the House of Representatives, which moved on to the Senate last Monday. According to the Student Teacher Safety Act of 2006, any school receiving public funding must adopt a policy that would permit random wide-scale searches of students, including strip searches. Upon hearing the news of the bill’s progress, 43-year-old Chuck Nigliano, a child molester and prominent member of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, has begun to organize a nationwide speaking tour over the next year to raise aware-
ness of the bill’s importance to the pedophile community. Nigliano gleefully said, “This is amazing. I’m so happy to see that the government is finally realizing the need to arouse our small segment of the population.” Bob Willis, a 52-year-old high school dropout, now has the incentive to enroll in a teacher’s program at his local community college. “I’m hoping to become an elementary school principal some day if this bill gets through the Senate. I’m very much looking forward to slowly peeling off the underwear of some 7-year-old boy and caressing his baby-soft skin because he thinks I’m searching for cocaine.” Willis then slammed the door of his one-room trailer
and seconds later was heard moaning loudly. Pedophiles in the US are not the only ones excited about the possibility of allowing strip searches. A Moroccan man, who wished to be known only by Markesh F., stated that he is now trying to raise money to come to America to fulfill his new dream of becoming a French teacher. “I tried to create a ‘Markesh F. USA Pedophile American Travel Fund,’ but for some reason, whenever I explained the purpose of the fund, people would just start running away or looking at me in disgust. I don’t really understand what’s so wrong with trying to realize my dream of touching a 9-year-old girl’s secret place without being prosecuted.”
In a conference after the bill had been passed, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert described the many positive aspects of the bill. “In addition to making students safer at school, this bill marks a huge improvement in Congress-pedophile relations. I am very excited about this new partnership and I hope that every child molester can see that their pleas for new young boys and girls to abuse are being heard. I might even consider nominating one of these fine people for Congress, preferably in Florida.” Added Hastert, “I sure will miss Mark, but I’m sure that if one of these guys replaces him, it’ll be like he never left. Soon the pitter-patter of little feet fleeing in terror will fill the halls once again.” PHOTO By Anastasia Bendebury
EDITORIAL
Amongst stacks of edited books, librarian Chas Guilding now, like everyone else, refers to himself soley in the third person.
I Know I Am Better Than a Dirty Vagrant
By William Chestington Iv Valued Member of Society
I
don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything, but I think I’m better than some filthy homeless guy. No, wait. I don’t think I am better than him. I know that I’m inherently better than a dirty va-
grant. As I lay in my bed each night with a roof over my head and a warm meal in my stomach, I just get the feeling that people who have less than me aren’t as valuable as I am. Sure everything I own and treasure was bought by my parents, but if homeless people wanted to have something nice then they should get a damn job like the rest of us. Well, not me, but my parents work hard for sure. Oh, sure some might use those made-up, feel-good excuses that liberals are always throwing around. “I have schizophrenia,” or, “I was abandoned by my mother in a dumpster at birth,” or, “I’m a paraplegic veteran who
got addicted to cocaine in the war nobody wanted and came back to a country that spat on me,” may seem like good reasons not to work but I think it just says, “I’m a lazy drain on society.” Okay, I concede that a few vagrants might (and I’m stressing the might here) have some value as anything more than a walking pile of wasted genetic filth. I mean, who else are we going to test cosmetics on now that all those animal rights windbags stopped letting us use bunnies? I’m sure I wouldn’t think so little of these people if they at least added something to the landscape, and bright violet mascara could be just what the doctor ordered. Maybe then I would feel bad about feeling
superior to these people. Seriously, now that I try to quantify it, those guys have about as much worth as the gum that I scrape off of my shoe at the end of the day. I mean, at least I can chew that again. All in all, there isn’t much that can convince me otherwise on the subject of the homeless being less worthwhile than the homed, especially in regard to myself. The truth of the matter is that someone has to stand up against these powerful vagrant lobbyists in America that tell us all life is equal. We need to have the courage to walk through every city screaming from every street corner, “I’m better than a dirty vagrant.”
TOP Ten
Things That Strike From Above 10. Canada 9. Roommate’s scrotum 8. R. Kelly 7. Challenger debris 6. Tree sharks 5. Surprise piggyback! 4. Baby harp seal clubbers 3. Magical nannies 2. Tetris blocks 1. The latter half of a parabolic trajectory
theMQ.com
Page 4
TOP Ten
Things You Think While Jumping Off a Second-Story Balcony
October 25, 2006
Illegal Immigrants from Plus-1 Rooms Stealing Beds, Bathroom Cubbies
10. Umbrella, don’t fail me now! 9. Square root of 2GH = v. 8. Well, fuck. 7. I’m a cat, I’m a cat, I’m a cat, I’m a cat, I’m a cat. 6. Surely that series of awning will break my fall 5. Surprise piggy back ride! 4. Woooooooooo! 3. Jumping off the third floor is just downright crazy. 2. Go, go Gadget legs! 1. I must go now.
Supreme Court Abolished, Bush Declares “We’ve Won the War on Terror”
Students from across campus congregate in the Muir dorms, drawn by the scent of adequate stir-fry. By Naomi Shiffman
A PHOTO By joe kelly
Supreme Judge George W. Bush delivers the first of many controversial decisions in the case of Bush v. Entire World. By Ryan Kloos
T
Staff Writer
his Monday the US House of Representatives and Senate both passed identical White House-drafted legislation that eliminated the Judicial Branch of the American government. According to the bill, President Bush will now be in charge of making all of the decisions in cases that would normally come before the court, including all judicial review, lawsuits in which a state is a party, and whether to start wearing powdered wigs or not. Although Congress has the authority to “ordain and establish” the lower courts as enumerated in Article III of the Constitution, the action to disassemble the Supreme Court is considered highly illegal by many prominent constitutional lawyers. When asked about the legality of such a move, Republican majority leader John Boehner said yesterday, “Unconstitutional? Oh yeah, says who?” He then added, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ensure all of the necessary literacy tests and poll taxes are in place back home.” Bush was informed of the passage of the bill Monday during a cabinet meeting. According to one source who asked to remain anonymous, Bush was conducting the meeting when the deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove, walked in and told the president, “The Supreme Court will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that Congress has dissolved the council permanently. The last remnants of checks and balances have been swept away.” The drive to abolish the judicial system started weeks ago after Congress passed a law granting Bush the ability to interpret the Geneva Conventions to circumvent a previous Supreme Court ruling. Mark Greely, the White House aide who drafted the
legislation, explained the later move to destroy the judicial branch. “We thought, if the president is able to interpret this important piece of international humanitarian law to satisfy his own political agenda, then why not all of the other laws too?” Yesterday, Bush made his first decision as the one-man court, and, as many expected, the president revoked the right of the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to a fair trial, humane treatment and protection against torture. The president explained his decision in a press conference late in the afternoon, saying, “You see, these evil-doers are terrorists because they do not follow the Geneva Conventions and other laws that responsible, fair countries abide by, therefore, because they are terrorists, we do not have to follow any of them laws, either.” Later in the same press conference, after being asked a question regarding fair trials for the prisoners, Bush responded, “According to the former Supreme Court, not giving these prisoners a reason for imprisonment, not revealing the evidence against them and not giving them fair, public trials, was against the writ of habeas corpus, which is a law in the United States Constitution. That’s why we held them in Cuba.” Already Bush has been planning to reverse many controversial Supreme Court decisions. Groups such as ProLife America, the Preservation of Marriage Alliance and Segregation NOW! have all expressed support for the president’s new positions. In addition to new rulings, directors at the National Archives said that last night Bush broke in and began re-writing the Constitution. Initial reports indicate that the president used a purple glitter Gelly Roll pen to cross out most of the Bill of Rights and draw crude pictures of bears with arrows pointing to their arms.
Staff Writer
wave of illegal immigrants from the plus-one rooms in the Muir Residence Halls began to move into other rooms, apartments, and even janitor’s closets the week following move-in. Students have reported that beds have been stolen, bathroom cubbies have been annexed, and precious space for housing numerous video-gaming systems has been all but usurped. “I came home from my 8’oclock section to find that my lock was picked and there was a suspicious, human- looking lump in my bed.” explained a distraught freshman from C-House. Upon further investigation, the “lump” turned out to be a resident of a plus-1 in J-house who could no longer stand being in such a cramped room with such “obnoxious roommates” and had sought quiet elsewhere. Another common complaint has been the lack of seating in house lounges. Leana Gonzalez described
waiting for a free space on the couch. “I had to keep my boyfriend on hold for five hours!” she exclaimed. Upon the suggestion that she could have conversed with her boyfriend outside, Gonzalez lashed out, saying that as a legal resident of the house, she should have had “first dibs” on the couches. The crowding of bathroom cubbies as a result of the illegal immigrants has not only inconvenienced students, but may be leading to dangerous health risk. Toiletries have begun to pile up on the floors of Res Hall bathrooms, rendering toilets and showers nearly inaccessible. This unforeseen problem took a morbid turn last week when a student died of asphyxiation after choking on his own sweat while in the three-day line for the showers. Residence Dean Pat Danlyshyn-Adams denied any knowledge of the problem. It was not until after the change-of-housing forms ran out for the fifth day in a row that the Res-Life office adopted a new, “enhanced” policy for dealing with resi-
dence complaints. A sign reading, “Just deal with it and stop whining,” is now in place on the door of the Residence Office. This new policy for handling students, HAs, and parents alike is a relief for the overworked Res-Life staff. “We should have instated this policy several years ago,” one staff member commented. According to the residence dean, all future calls and emails to the Res-Life office will be diverted to a recording telling callers to, “Please go fuck yourselves,” while complaint forms will be rerouted to the incinerator installed just last week. Because of this new “hands-off” policy, HAs have taken it upon themselves to deter students from jumping the borders to different houses. Ten-foot tall concrete barriers are scheduled to go up in front of the entrance to stairwells between houses. To dissuade students from sneaking into other houses via elevator, houseappointed minutemen will be stationed in front of the elevator doors in each house,
PHOTO By Joe Kelly
checking proof of citizenship and detaining those who fail to produce it. The barriers have gone up in most of Tenaya Hall, but construction in Tioga has been delayed due to the thirty-fourth false fire alarm since the beginning of the quarter. The barriers in Tenaya have proven so effective that even house residents have trouble crossing the borders. Just last week, five students trapped in their rooms for days without food and water used sheets to rappel out of their windows and down the side of the building to seek help. When asked to comment, the HAs showed minimal concern, calling the incident “entertaining” and “not really a big deal.” Many students feel passionately that the illegal immigration problem is getting out of hand. One student voiced concern over escalated intercollege immigration. “I don’t want any Revelle people stinking up my suite,” he commented, adding that he didn’t “give a shit” about how oppressed they were in their own college.
news in brief 2: the great valley Adventure Unarmed hijacker wastes everyone’s time American Airlines Flight 4850 was forced to make an emergency landing after a man claiming to be a terrorist threatened to detonate an explosive. However, much to the chagrin of everyone onboard, it was eventually discovered that the man was, in fact, completely unarmed. Passenger Stan Pascal said, “What the fuck? This guy said he had a bomb, but when he got off the plane, no bomb. He was sans bomb. I was so disappointed. I mean, he could have at least had a knife or something.” SWAT officer Russell Knox, who was scheduled to be flying on the plane for a vacation but had cancelled his reservation last minute, feels nothing but regret. “I should have been on that plane,” he lamented. Knox added, “I could have been a hero. It’s so easy to disarm an unarmed man. I mean, come on, he’s got no arms.”
Pressure Mounts on Nigerian Dams Ecologists and Engineers struggled last week to attempt to clear debris that was lodged in the Nigerian Dam located on the Niger River. The blockage seems to be caused by faxed papers asking readers to help transfer “ELEVEN MILLION (11,000,000) UNITED STATES DOLLARS.” The pressure has increased from a normal range of about 1,500 pounds per square inch to what now seems to be “a whole lot more” according to engineers working to remove the dangerous block. “We can’t understand why this has happened,” said one Ecologist yesterday, “All our gutters have signs that say, ‘Don’t dump, I live downstream,’ with a really cute picture of a duck.” Authorities hope that the project will come to a swift resolution, as soon as an American is willing to withdrawal said eleven million dollars for transfer back to the Nigerian king at a later date.
EU approves Turkey as the “Official Other White Meat” Yesterday, The European Union approved Turkey’s entrance into the EU as the first “Official Other White Meat.” “After much deliberation in the nutritional values of other white meats,” European Union Council President Matti Vanhanen said, “we’ve decided that Turkey will be the official Other White Meat of the European Council due to its overall yumminess. And yes, that’s a word.” Turkish Prime Minster said in response that “this is a great honor for all Turkish people, as we’ve been attempting to be in the Union since 1965.” After being informed of his mistake by a paige who had run up to the podium during his speech, he appeared noticeably flustered. Walking off the podium, he said with a shake of his head, “You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Jews Feel Unsafe in Germany A recent poll taken in Germany shows that over 90 percent of its Jewish residents feel unsafe and, surprisingly, sometimes even fear for their lives. Berlin resident Adam Gertz explained some reasons for his apprehension, saying, “When I went to temple the other day, there were these guys standing outside looking really suspicious. They had swastikas on their shirts, but I’m sure that it’s just a new fashion statement or something.” Added Gertz, “Once they started coming at me with knives and guns I barely escaped with my life. From that point on, I felt that Jews could no longer enjoy the safety and security Germany has always provided for them.” Gertz blames the recent surge of anti-semetism in his country on the Gypsies. “Everyone hates those filthy, filthy gypsies,” he explained, teeth grit in disgust.
theMQ.com
October 25, 2006
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Russia Declares War On Georgia, Bush Vows to Drive Out Foreign Invaders By Drew STARK
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Content Editor
ast Thursday the tensions between Russia and the breakaway republic of Georgia reached a limit as Russia formally declared its intention to cease troop withdrawals in an effort to regain dominance over the rogue state. This move has been met with harsh criticism in the international community and in particular from President Bush, who calls it “an unconscionable breach against one of the greatest states in the Union.” In a speech before Congress, Bush declared, “Not since September 11th has the United States faced such an insult. We must throw off the yoke of these Russian conquerors.” The quick mobilization of the National Guard and the reinstitution of the draft have left a growing number of American forces waiting on the Georgia coastline, poised for a Russian military that has yet to materialize. The president has refused to back down despite the Russians failing to appear, pronouncing, “The news said they were already here, but we haven’t found hide nor hair of them. We must keep looking. I’m as sure that they’re there as I was about Iraq purchasing uranium from one of those
African countries.” Bush went on to say, “You know which one I mean.” Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili welcomed the support of President Bush in contributing “such a large promise of aid” to Georgia. The potentate announced in a speech last night that, “The Georgian people are thankful that America is willing to stand up to terrorist countries that threaten more than just themselves. No one in the international forum has sacrificed so much for our little country.” Saakashvili later added, “But we could really use those troops sooner rather than later. Russia beat our nonexistent army and they are rounding us up like dogs.” Having completed his last words, Saakashvili was then blindfolded and executed by a Russian firing squad. One White House intern made an attempt to correct the president on his mistake, but it was met with futility and condemnation. The aid was arrested and executed on the spot on a count of high treason for what is being called “questioning the intelligence and leadership of the president during a wartime crisis, and pointing out the obvious.” An enraged Bush stated, “How stupid do you think I am!?”
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Georgia welcomes military officers with a gift basket of their finest peaches.
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EDITORIAL
African Clicking Tribe Attempts Slytherin Has Really to Order Clicky Pens, Fails Gone Downhill
By Lord Voldemort
I PHOTO By Brendan Hanrahan
Madongo Ngalis’ attempt to deliver a rousing speech is thwarted by a twist-bottom pen. By Mohammed Suhail
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Staff Writer
n a recent turn of events, the African Clicking Tribe has attempted to purchase a bulk order of clicky pens, but the order was lost in translation. Due to language particularities, the order was rejected. The African Clicking Tribe was discovered in 1985, when a few English backpackers headed to Ireland and got lost. John and Betty Rikshireford were found three months after their departure in South Africa. “My husband is a little old fashioned,” Ms. Rikshireford said when they were found. “He wouldn’t stop and ask for directions because once his liquor store was robbed—by ‘coloreds,’ as he calls them. He said there were too many of them around, and I tried to explain to him that was the point.” The Clicking Tribe, located somewhere around the middle of Africa, has a
language that is incredibly complicated. It has “words” for very specific situations. According to a man who speaks both English and Clicky, the word “clicky” when used before a noun means “one who talks on a cell phone whilst driving.” Although they only have one cell phone in the village and one car, both owned by different people, the Clicky language gurus had the foresight to see this particular situation. “We’ve had problems for a while now with cap pens,” said de-facto Village Elder, who gave his name as “kk-tttt”. He added, “In our particular village we’ve recently had a very vicious drought.” According to reports, this drought has lasted approximately 85 generations. The town’s problems were exemplified at a town meeting in which kk-tttt spoke from a podium at the far end of the tent. “All of our pens have dried out,” said kk-tttt. “Our economy is at a stand still.
Nobody has been able to file their taxes, or go about their daily lives. Our social lives have dried out along with the pens, so to speak—er, so to click.” The local teacher confessed, “The school has closed its tent flap to all students.” “We’ve resorted to writing things in our own blood; the students are getting woozy and the minister warns us we are writing away our souls!” exclaimed the teacher. After a brief intermission for cookies and juice, the meeting continued, with kk-tttt attempting to find a solution to this problem. “I’d say write to your local congressman, but that would bring us to the original problem: we don’t have any pens.” Another villager pointed out, “We don’t have congressman, either.” The United States Agency for International Development spokesperson Amy Jackson has stated, “An emergency ration of clicky pens has been sent to
the African Clicking Tribe, but will take a few weeks to arrive due to there being a really big ocean between us and them.” Jackson apologized for the lack of humanitarian aid in the past decades, and attributed it to “a failure in the Japanese food wholesaler Harriburton to provide sufficient tasty treats,” she said while rubbing her stomach in a circular fashion. Internationally, France has sent a contingent of 12,000 soldiers to help deliver more pens and “make sure they are in working order”. Switzerland has taken a neutral stance on the subject, releasing a statement saying that it “favors neither clicky, cap, twisty-bottom nor any other denomination of pen.” “All in all,” said kk-tttt, “its quite a predicament, I have to say. At some point, we’re going to have to add onomatopoeia to our language. We already have a hell of a time trying to understand the 60s live action television show Batman.”
Dark Prince of Evil
ss it just me or has Ssslytherin really gone downhill? I can’t raise an army of Death Eaters from this crop of failures. Evil just doesn’t seem to be in their heart. Not like in the old daysss. Back then evil wasn’t some kind of fad all the “cool” kids were doing. We terrorized innocents because daddy never hugged usss enough. Oh, daddy! I just wanted sssomeone to love me. Was that too much to assk? Every one of these new kids looks like some kind of emo pansy. Bleached blond hair. Bleached blond hair! What kind of Death Eater looks threatening with bleached blond hair? None of them, that’ssss who. Well, maybe Lucius, but he was alwaysss a little funny if you know what I mean. He was bludgering for the other team, and I don’t mean Gryffindor. Take a look at all the great evils of all time; Stalin, Satan, Britney Spears - none of them had bleached hair. Well, I guess she was the exception, but, hey, she knew how to work it And ssspeaking of Lucius, that boy of his is a real waste of potential, can’t even carry out a sssimple order. That little punk had to have that
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lousssy rat Snape kill that bastard Dumbledore ‘cusss he wasss probably giving himssself a manicure in the little girlies room. I bet that boy can sssuck a dick just as well as hisss old man. Oh, sssweet memories. Ah, the old days were sso much better. Back then when they got close to identifying you in a string of murders, you pinned it on the fat kid who smelled funny and liked monsters a tad too much. But today what evil plans were these kids hatching at that infernal school? Nothing, that’sss what. All he does all day is follow that Potter kid around, squealing on him to the nearest teacher. That’s not evil, it’sss being a tad bit of a nuisance. If anything, that’ss being a bit too straight edge, even though those kids are anything but straight. If thissss is the future of the Death Eaters, then the whole lot of them just need to be aborted off the face of the earth and then I will have my faithful minionsss give birth to a whole new generation. I think that means I’m gonna have to do a lot of fucking. Not that I’m opposed, but spreading my evil seed tends to get in the way of my other evil activities, such as spending quality time with Lucius. I really need to sssstop recruiting from people who like to fuck their sssisters. You really end up with the lower end of the gene pool, like all that waste taking up space in Sssslytherin. Sure, it’s the only way to get genetically superior purebreds but Dalmatians have more common sense than these guys. At least the dogs can tell which way is up if you train them hard enough.
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theMQ.com
Here are some family friendly costumes that promote lordly values. Now God will smile down at you in approval as he condemns the rest of the unbelievers to Hell.
October 25, 2006
Be wary of Satan’s foot soldiers. Halloween makes it easy for these soulless fiends to blend in as normal members of society. Look for these warning signs. Horns: Every member of Satan’s army has horns. You can only see them if look really, really carefully. If you still fail to see a set, then you’re most likely a demon yourself and must be purged.
Three Wise Men These costumes provide valuable life experience for your young sons for when they grow up and realize their true calling of telling everyone that what they believe is wrong. All prophets also look the same, which makes for cheap and inexpensive costumes for all nine of your children. If you don’t have nine children by the time you’re 30 years old, then you aren’t Christian enough.
Religious item: It is unknown at this time why this woman has not burst into flames yet from wearing the symbol of Christ, but leading Scientists believe Satan has found a way to circumvent the laws of physics. Butterfly Tattoo: The vanity of the painted whore of the insect kingdom knows no rival except for Lucifer himself. When displayed, this symbol can only mean one thing: death has just burst forth from a cocoon of sin and is fluttering your way.
Adam Adam is the propagator of humanity, and dad’s role as the head of the household means he’ll be the perfect choice to dress up as Adam. Dad’s penchant for getting drunk and passing out on the front lawn will finally be in character rather than an emotionally scarring tragedy. Who knew God’s chosen first son was such a drunk?
Candy Apple Pop: No one really enjoys the taste of a candy apple pop. However, when licked into a blade-like edge, they do make convenient tools for sacrificing the first borns of of upstanding, good-natured families. Bag of Candy: The bag of candy is the weapon of choice of Satan’s army in case of encounters with Jesus. The only known weakness of the Son of God is the pure innocence of children’s candy.
Crucified Jesus and Cross This is the perfect costume ensemble for any mother and son pair. Now the son of your husband’s brother is the Son of God. Your husband will have to love him and treat him with respect for at least one night, or face the wrath of God upon judgment day.
Counter the evils of Halloween by giving out Church-approved alternatives. Help save the lives of children condemned to Hell by the inaction of their neglectful parents. Raisin Box: Raisins are the holiest of the dead fruits. Crucified by the Romans, they rose from the grape after 3 days. For this reason raisins are considered to be God’s favorite candy.
Harsh judgment: A stern warning from the head of a household may be the only way to set these kids back on the path to salvation. Become their surrogate father by giving them the talking to of a lifetime.
Pumpkin: Cultists use these seemingly normal decorations to transmit subversive messages to children. All pumpkins disguise the true face of Satan, seen here as he the decrepit, complaining old man that he really is. Orange Stripey Socks: Orange stripey socks are a sign of congress with the beast. Satan ejaculates so much that no clothing can avoid his stains from his black semen, especially the absorbant socks. Satan loves feet.
Satan’s Army purposely tries to decrease your kids’ chances of getting into Heaven through malicious candy designed to send them to an early grave. Stay informed. Apple with rotary blade: These healthy snacks are deceptive, as many Satanists attempt to hide rotary saws and other blades inside the delicious apple cores. Examine all fruits your child receives before letting them enjoy their “treats.” If you don’t, you may be looking at a “trick” to the tune of a lacerated esophagous and permanent distrust of all nutritious foods.
Unabridged Latin Bibles: Let these kids know the true word of the Lord and not some filthy King James bastardized interpretation of his message. Sure, most kids today don’t read Latin, but what better way to learn than by toting a fifteen pound bible around all night in a pillowcase? If nothing else, the physical exhaustion will help encourage docility in the little heathens. Science Book: Science books are full of dangerous new, interesting ideas that contradict the Bible on many accounts. Fantasies like evolution and germ theory could lead to gorillas becoming standard family dinner guests before you know it. Gorillas, as any Christian knows, are Satan’s front line. Pure Potassium Jelly Bean: The pure potassium jelly bean may seem like a good idea at the time, but wait until an explosion of banana flavor rips off the back of your skull and flings it into your neighbor’s house.
October 25, 2006
theMQ.com
Putting the “Hallowed” back in Hallowedween
Page 7
By Dan Zembrosky
Page 8
October 25, 2006
theMQ.com
Herrera Resigns in Light of Accidental $110,000 Misappropriation
One Hundred Monkeys to Write New Chemistry Textbook
PHOTO By Dan Zembrosky
“The net gain of this transaction is totally in my favor,” declares Herrera as he escapes on his $1.8 million plane. By Dan Zembrosky
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Graphics Editor
hurgood Marshall College junior Eddie Herrera, who won his campaign based largely on claims that the previous A.S. council was corrupt with financial misappropriations, resigned from his position as A.S. Vice President External last month after being accused of levying over $110,000 for personal uses ranging from tuition to an illegally smuggled skin cream from Venezuela that costs over $5,000 a tube. Herrera, the sole member of the Tritons United! political party to win an executive seat on the 2006-07 A.S. Council, submitted a letter of resignation on Aug. 11, citing personal issues such as “crippling culpability” and “gross incompetence” as the reason for his departure, according to A.S. President Harry Khanna. “[Herrera] was interested in the affairs of [the] A.S. [Council], but it’s just not his thing,” Khanna said while “amending” several documents related to Herrera’s case. “We’ve made sure of that.” Herrera’s resignation came as a welcome solution to poor job performance, rancid office odors and awkward conversations that largely required looking away from his chronic, obtrusive facial blemishes, according to several A.S. councilmembers. He left behind little, aside from a sweat stained desk chair, a few outdated Snood posters, and several relatively unimportant job duties. “He wasn’t on top of his stuff and he didn’t have a clue what he was doing,” Eleanor Roosevelt College Senior Senator Erik Rodriguez-Palacios said. “He was getting closer and closer to being called incompetent.” Added Rodriguez-Palacios, “Then we called him incompetent and we locked him a broom closet and hit the bars. Man, what a Wednesday!” Ultimately, it was Herrera’s inability to simply work cooperatively and productively with a group of people that resented, hated, or were disgusted by him that led to his resignation, according to the councilmember. Herrera, however, dismissed the idea that he was uncooperative, and cited “personal reasons” as the cause of his departure. “I think I’m a strong student leader, but in this case I was forced to make the deci-
sion [to resign],” he said. Herrera continued to explain that he did not mean this metaphorically, but was quite literally forced to resign. “They threatened my family,” continued Herrera, “They threatened to take my other testicle.” Shortly after Herrera left the council, however, allegations of financial misconduct arose, stemming from the improper reimbursement of money Herrera used to attend a UC Student Association Electoral Action Training conference in May. Herrera claims the misunderstanding occurred due to an oversight whereby his reciept was printed twice, once including the amount his girlfriend paid out of her own pocket. This “snowballed” through “further receipt misprintings” into a sum near $110,000. These “erroneous reciepts” include one in the amount of $10 and several thousand more that ranged in amount from as small as $4.94, inexplicably printed on an El Pollo Loco receipt, up to $42,300 which was an invoice for a lightly used Lexus. Herrera claims to have no knowledge of these charges, despite the fact he gave his statement while eating a burrito inside a lightly used Lexus sedan. Herrera said that further miscommunication exacerbated the problem, and that he realized UCSA’s error but submitted the receipt to A.S. Fund Manager Peili Hsu anyway, asking her to ignore the erroneous amount and to fill out the reimbursement forms in the amount of only $10, 10,000 times. After the discovery of the refund error, Herrera said he wrote a check immediately to pay the initial $10 back. Herrera, who campaigned vigorously last spring to win his executive seat, relied on a platform which included bringing ethics and morality back to the scandal-plagued council. “There are so many things that this council has done that have been appalling,” Herrera said last April. “We need to change the way we deal with moral issues, so that I can get away with misconduct, but these other guys can’t.” Herrera’s departure is not a concern for the council, according to Rodriguez-Palacios. “I don’t think he will be missed,” Rodriguez-Palacios said while field stripping one of his many firearms, “not as much as he could have been, anyway.”
PHOTO By Joe Kelly
Chewbacca’s bowcaster proves poor motivation for penning the chapter on redox reactions, masturbating in public. By Kyle Lazzarevich Staff Writer
I
n a surprise move last Wednesday, the chemistry department announced its plans for a re-commissioned textbook for its CHEM 6 series of classes. According to the press release, the department has hired one hundred monkeys for the writing staff. The monkeys have been given one hundred hours in a room with one hundred typewriters in order to complete the task. The announcement came as a shock to faculty and students alike, as the most radical of predictions had placed the revamp years in the future. “We feel the recommissioned text will lead to a higher level of student comprehension,” stated Professor Jim Moore, head of the chemistry department, during the release. The new text is expected to be far superior to the old book, which was renowned for its incorrect answer key, gross numerical errors, and tendency to drive freshmen science majors to
repeatedly bash their heads against concrete pillars outside of York Hall. Moore added, “Obviously the monkeys will make errors from time to time, but we’re confident in the editing abilities of Coco the Gorilla, who we’re proud to announce signed onto the team just yesterday.” The vacancy for the position of editor, according to the release, was one of the largest concerns of the chemistry department after the previous editor, Lucifer, Lord of Darkness, declined to renew his contract. According to Dr. Moore, there were “irreconcilable disagreements” on the existence of a chapter dedicated to thermal energy. However, Lucifer’s accountant, Lesser Evil Belial, informed reporters that the main reason for the ending of the editing contract was insufficient payment. Offered in the Lord of Darkness’ contract were 300 souls of Sixth College freshman, a mere 33 more than the fee of 267 souls for his work on the previous text. Said Belial, “300 souls? I
couldn’t wipe my forsaken ass with that. Maybe, if they were from Muir or Marshall, we’d have accepted them because of the higher quality. Maybe.” Due to uncertainty pertaining to primate labor laws, the monkeys have been limited to five hour days, five days a week. When asked to comment on their working conditions, one of the writers told us, “Ooh-ooh, aaie, aaie, ooh-ooh-ooh aaaie,” and proceeded to throw fecal matter at his neighbor. Barring more labor strikes or inter-office projectile feces, the final release date of the text has been tentatively set for the end of spring quarter. “It was horrible,” said the director in charge of monkey morale, Jamie Barnaby, about the first strike. “I was on duty when it happened. There was fur flying everywhere, and you couldn’t even move without slipping on a banana peel.” According to Mrs. Barnaby, the writing staff had been receiving daily payments of six bananas each. The monkeys formed two separate factions however, and fought over the
bananas. Barnaby continued, “The beaten faction ran into Sun God as they fled. They did some weird sort of dance around him and then touched his concrete arch.” According to Barnaby, the monkeys returned in suave business suits with both a unionization plan calling for equal bananas for all primates, and thigh bones, which they used to beat off the other faction of monkeys. Currently, the monkeys are in phase two of the writing, working on a second draft. The first draft was completed in just under twentyeight hours, but was in need of severe revision, as it shared an uncanny resemblance to Shakespeare’s Macbeth. “We had to explain to them that chemistry and witchcraft aren’t the same thing, but we think they’ve got it down now,” Moore assured. Moore added, “I suppose it would have been helpful if we’d hired monkeys with technical writing experience, but every monkey we interviewed had only ever worked on reproductions of Shakespeare.”
EDITORIAL
Hey, You, Get Off of My Moon
By Gamba Sibongile Credible Historian
M
y African brothers, I have a terrible story to tell you. This story is one of struggle, of oppression and lies, and I will not rest until the white man has given back to the black people what is rightfully theirs! What is it that I speak of? Brothers, what else could I speak
of…but the moon! You see, three thousand years ago, the Egyptians employed alien technology to create a vast ship capable of flying into outer space. To test this ship, they employed a crude mind control technique to force their African slaves to pilot it. The original C-42 Pyramid models were unable to launch due to bad planning, but the second line of ships were successful, and, in 1027 B.C., the first man-made craft landed on the moon. And do you know who first looked out from this ship upon this glorious new land? It was a brave and noble man named Kunta Kinte - an African. Why is this story not told? Why is it that historians seem determined to undermine the black race? Because then, the white oppressors would have to recognize that, since our
people were the first to land on the moon, we are its rightful heirs! They cannot allow this, since they themselves are using the moon as a testing ground to create hybrid space warriors that will help uphold their regime of terror, but the great Dr. Khallid Muhammad once said of the murder committed against the African nation, “You cannot deny the undeniable and indisputable and irrefutable truth,” and this continues to ring true through the decades. The facts are there, and we as a people shall tear through the white race’s veils of lies like a vengeful angel of truth! How will we do this, you ask? There are many ways. One thing that we might do is buy pogo sticks and bounce on them continuously, achieving ever-greater heights until
we reach the moon! Should this somehow prove impossible, we can enlist the help of our rebel brothers in Sudan to hijack NASA spacecraft. Of course, if none of this works, there is always the obvious option of building a 238,857mile staircase, but it would be inefficient and difficult. Imagine, brothers! Imagine the bounty of our new home, the rolling plains and clear skies and fruitful soil! Does this not inspire you? Does this not bring joy to your heart? Then I say, let us follow in the footsteps of our mighty ancestors and take what is rightfully ours! Let us break these chains that strangle us and march forth to the trumpeting cries of the native moon birds! Let us leave this barren land and bask in the splendor and luxury that is New Africa!
theMQ.com
October 25, 2006
Australian ‘Tree of Knowledge’ Dies After Poisoning
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TOP Ten
Headlines That Attempt to Use Alliteration to Lessen Tragedy 10. Father felches five 9. Shady shoemaker sells souls 8. Denmark destroyed 7. Troubled teacher tickles tiny tots’ tushes 6. KKK kills kolored kids 5. Formable phallus frightens pharmacist 4. Amateur astronaut accidentally activates airlock 3. Queen’s queef quakes Quebec 2. Blushing bride births brother’s baby 1. Dysentery devastates debutante’s dance
TOP Ten Things to do in a Whale’s Belly in Chronological Order
The good ship Fosters alights near the Tree of Knowlege to pay its respects, get everyone super blitzed. By Drew Stark
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Content Editor
he Australian “Tree of Knowledge” was officially declared dead last week by government arborists. The cause of death was discovered to be deliberate poisoning. The announcement shocked Australia and plunged the continent into a new dark age of chaos, lawlessness and old Mr. Bean reruns. The Tree of Knowledge was discovered in 1891 and served as the source of inspiration for the founding of the Labor Party that liberalized and revolutionized Australia, bringing it into the modern age. Since then the principles of the tree have guided the development of the country for over a century, in addition to providing low cost, clean burning elec-
tricity, a wealth of knowledge and an unlimited supply of delicious smoked teriyaki kangaroo jerky for every Australian citizen. In response to this declaration, Australian businessmen Jeff Tamblyn said, “I can’t believe this is happening. I never knew what the tree was, but now that it’s gone I already feel stupider. Fire, we need fire to survive this crisis. Oh god, it burns when I touch it! Why does it hurt so!?” Tamblyn finished by going into a feral rage, marking his territory on a nearby old lady, and adding, “gghhhhhaaaaaarrrhhhhhh.” Police have been called into all of the major cities to quell riots of people demanding to know what time it is when the minute hand is on the 12 and the hour hand
is on the 6. It grew violent when a group of unemployed sheep hearders became convinced the constantly moving skinny hand on the clock was part of a government conspiracy. A state of emergency was declared by the parliament just before a mass of people broke in and started to hold the ministers hostage in exchange for oxygen. Police on scene refused to give in to their demands and responded by ordering all oxygen to evacuate the immediate area. The terrorists surrendered shortly after this by blacking out. The Prime Minister commented, “I’m glad that’s over. We got lucky those nut jobs didn’t figure out the secret to breathing carbon dioxide,” before being rushed to the hospital to be treated for
PHOTO By Dana leindecker
what medial officials are calling “carbon lung disease.” To comment on the symbolic importance of the Tree of Knowledge, Labor Party leader Kim Beazley said, “The men that stood under that Tree of Knowledge basically were fighting for a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay, a basic Aussie value, now under challenge from roving packs of feral lunatics.” She later conceded that joining a pack of feral lunatics is also a basic Aussie value, and that perhaps the Tree of Knowledge hadn’t been working in recent years. She added, “We must all stand strong and defend these values through any means necessary,” as she pulled a hidden knife and attacked the nearest member of the conservative party for “irreconcilable political differences.”
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10. Wonder at why you thought it was a good idea to coat yourself in plankton and go free diving 9. Throw junk at the blowhole 8. Hoard precious ambergris 7. Xylophone ribcage 6. Decode whalesong, only to find that your captor is discussing “the douche I ate” 5. Make loud, sarcastic complaints 4. Rearrange whales organs in accordance with feng shui 3. Maintain sanity by forging relationship with whale’s tonsils, AKA “the twins” 2. Make out with a whale from the inside 1. Get to really know yourself, be dissolved by bile
TOP Ten
Classic Rock Songs Co-Opted by Mexican Food Corporations 10. Born To Be Mild 9. Taking Care of Beansness 8. Tortillas in the Sky with Corncakes 7. My Chalupa 6. Take Beans Home Tonight 5. Don’t Stand too Close to Beans 4. Taquito Sunrise 3. Guac This Way 2. Tamale Never Knows 1. What’s Flan Got to Do With It
New Technology Reveals Missing Words, Pants By Kate Lee Staff Writer
A
ustralian researcher Peter Shann Ford recently discovered a new technology in audio editing which allows for the discovery of previously unidentified sounds on well-known audio recordings. The first discovery of this nature verified Neil Armstrong’s famous message from the moon to have been, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” Given the popularity and attention garnered from this discovery, the researcher has decided to apply this technology to as many famous recordings as possible. Ford added, “Things have been kind of slow around here since Lord of the Rings left.” Ford has revealed “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” a parable of Ma-
hatma Gandhi, to be, “An eye for an eye makes the whole world kind.” Dr. Chittaranjan Patel, an expert on Indian history focusing on the country’s independence movement, said this sheds new light on Gandhi’s philosophies. “There was always an internal conflict we see in his writing about what should be done for the good of his country. This could be an expression of that.” Patel continued, “Then again, the guy drank his own urine. Maybe he’s just psycho.” Upon hearing this new discovery, a protest group based out of Seattle was forced to deal with 1,000 protest posters printed with an inaccurate quote. The group’s supply manager, Bill Hodges, said, “We should recycle them, I guess, but I don’t know. Most of us are loosing steam.” With less than a week before their scheduled anti-war rally, the group’s leader, Doug
Wilson, is reading Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience in search of a new quote. Wilson commented, “Thoreau is hard to read high. I haven’t smoked in two days. I mean, fuck, I’m thinking of just going to law school.” Applying this technology to presidential addresses, Ford found that John F. Kennedy’s famous inaugural address was not, “Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country,” but “who you can do for your country.” Asked to comment, the renowned presidential historian Phillip Babcock said, “It seems as if he is calling out to all Americans to have sex as some kind of a public service. What a set of balls. I mean, it was risky enough being Catholic.” President Clinton’s address to the nation in which he stated, “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky,” was actually, “I did not have
sex with just that woman.” An anonymous source who worked in the Clinton White House said, “Restoring Clinton’s reputation was priority one. He wanted to prove he had porked a whole bunch of attractive women. Our job was to get other women to come forward, but no one wanted that kind of attention. It got so bad, we were thinking about bringing back Paula Jones.” In Richard Nixon’s televised speech in which he declared, “I am not a crook,” he actually said, “I am not not a crook.” Esteemed grammarians and literary scholars explain, “He means he is a crook. It’s a double negative.” Asked to shed some light on this new discovery, Babcock said, “What do you want, he was a douche-bag. I bet he knew exactly what he was doing, and he probably laughed over it in that real evil way. This was his final presidential fuck-you.”
PHOTO By Michael Swaim
“Er, ah, I seem to have misplaced my pants, er, ah,” drawls a near-retarded President Kennedy.
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October 25, 2006
US Constitution Replaced With New Wikitution By Tim etler Staff Writer he US Congress has recently established a new digital internet-based constitution to replace the original, outdated US Constitution. The new digital constitution, or the “Wikitution,” as it is being called, is based on the free internet encyclopedia, Wikipedia, which allows any user to freely edit any of the articles in the database. Building on this premise, all members of the legislative and executive branches can freely edit any part of the Wikitution while the judicial branch will moderate the Wikitution for abuse and vandalism. The new constitution will allow Congress to be much more efficient. Over the past year congress has only devoted three weeks to official legislative business. Congressmen have been too busy alleviating stress to actually work. “Why should we spend all our time on the arduous task of having to draft laws and vote on them when we can just go to the source and edit the consti-
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tution?” said Congressman Bill Frist. “I think the old constitution had something against doing that, but who has time to read it all?” However, some critics note that the Wikitution is not without its flaws. “In the past five hours since we moved to the Wikitution system, we have gone through 15 different systems of government, everything from monarchy to hippie co-ops. They want us to wear hemp wigs! Hemp, for God’s sake! I can’t wear hemp. All those god damn hippies will try to smoke me,” sputtered an exacerbated Frist. Among the new systems of government were communism, a military junta state, and a Walmart-ocracy. The Walmart-ocracy was a source of constant criticism during its sordid existence. The new constitution’s requirements forced all citizens on welfare to earn their checks by acting as “friendly greeters” along the national borders. Critics of this complained the greeters were only there to prevent poor nations from shoplifting democracy.
Bush Introduces New School Initiative “Terror in the Classroom” By Anastasia Bendebury & jordan Damp Staff Writer & Distribution Editor ast Thursday, President Bush unveiled his new “Big Brother” school initiative, in an attempt to placate critics of his No Child Left Behind Act of 2002. The plan will focus on three areas of education; the simplification of English vocabulary, federal regulation of curriculum, and the installation of the newest information technology into every classroom in every school, everywhere. According to the president, the Big Brother initiative will create a better educational environment for children, finally answering the question, “is our children learning?” “Take a look at the dictionary we got these days. The thing’s huge and it’s got all them confusin’ big words. It’s no surprise our kids ain’t learnin’. That’s why I’m introducing the new, smaller dictionaries,” announced the president. This “newspeak,”as Bush called it, will be much more convenient for the students of America to absorb. When asked if the new dictionary resembles abridged versions of modern dictionaries, the president replied, “...Sure.” Following the announcement about vocabulary, the president moved onto his plans for a more patriotic national curriculum. Federal textbooks will be re-edited twice a month, raising questions about funding amongst conservatives. Bush quelled concerns by assuring critics that textbooks will be printed with erasable ink on EZ-Burn
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paper, a highly unstable incendiary compound previously banned by the Geneva Conventions. Bush added, “Learnin’ things just once doesn’t seem to be workin’ for students, so why not make ‘em learn it again? Kids learn things once, they only know what then was, not what now was. If they don’t know what now was, how can they be expected to pass our standardized tests?” He called his new “doublethink” policy a sure way for students to learn the right things without “gettin’ tied up by all them pesky facts”. The president also devised a plan to safeguard our nation’s students from the overwhelming amount of information generated by “the Internets” and the 24-hour news networks. “In this, the dawn of the Information Age, we gotta make sure our kids aren’t gettin’ the wrong ideas, like the ones from activist historians and terr’rists.” In order to achieve this, the President proposed the implementation of televised selective information monitors, or “telescreens”. The screens will display a news ticker running all the information that students need to know, as well as an image of the President’s head to watch over the students with concern and “Brotherly” love. Students have shown an outpouring of support for the new initiative. “School is so much easier now,” reports 7th grader Tommy Watson. “I don’t even have to remember what I learn in class anymore, because we forget it two weeks later. The new books are a lot of fun to play with, except for the time that Billy sneezed and his backpack exploded.”
The judicial branch has been especially leery of the new system. With the new system in place few congressmen propose new laws, as it has become easier to simply change the constitution to fit their needs. “It is the judicial branch’s duty to interpret the constitution, but how can we do that when it has become 5000 pages long?” complained Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. He added, “You wouldn’t believe how many Chuck Norris references we have to weed out in a single day.” Thomas added, “There is no way one man could have roundhouse-kicked America into existence. It took at least three people and the constitution needs to show that.” “We haven’t been able to get any work done,” said Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, “because we’ve been spending all our time restoring vandalized amendments. In the past three days, Bush has deleted the 5th amendment 48 times, and Foley tried to lower the minimum age of congressional pages to twelve.”
Posthumous Lab Report Indicates Mercury May Be Delicious
PHOTO By Dan zembrosky
“Oh my god,” whispers a crime investigator, “he was right,” moments before lapsing into a seizure out of overwhelming joy. open and shut case, police That man was a genius. Eatmometers and sucking By Michael Swaim
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PHOTO By Michael swaim
Local teacher Edna Hostings prepares to discipline a child with a flaming copy of “ , Robot,” an instant best seller.
PHOTO By kim beswick
“This doesn’t seem to be working,” mutters President Bush, “thank God it’s still under warranty. The white-out, that is.”
Editor in Chief
recent report published following the death of a UCSD chemistry professor indicates that, as modern science has suspected for decades, mercury may, in fact, be delicious. The report was recovered from the unnamed professor’s “clenched, rigid death fist” by police investigating the apparent suicide. Initial police reports indicate that the chemist was found dead in his lab, his mouth smeared with “an unidentified, but distinctly mercurial silver substance.” Mercury was also found in abundance throughout the lab as well as on the scientist’s worktable, where it had been manually formed into the words, “For Science!” Though it seems to be an
have had some trouble handling the scene of the alleged suicide. Captain Bill Higgins, the officer leading the investigation, cited some difficulty in bagging evidence. “You try scraping all this mercury into a bag,” he muttered, donning thick gloves and continuing to push the mercury around on the lab bench. Officer misconduct has been a problem as well, added the captain. Two of his “more curious” officers have already succumbed to mercury poisoning, leaving him woefully understaffed. One of the officers, who wished to remain nameless, released the following statement from the hospital: “It was totally worth it. It’s like silver birthday cake wrapped around a blintz stuffed with an orgasm, but in a good way.
ing mercury was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.” The officer later succumbed to severe brain damage and went into a stable coma, which doctors are describing as “almost certainly mercury-related.” Police are also questioning the professor’s collegues in the lab, most of whom claim to have heard nothing but “fevered grunting and snorting noises” emanating from the room late last night. Said one scientist who had been working in a lab adjacent to the deceased, “I just assumed he was running experiments for some kind of boar-related hypothesis.” A student who passed the doctor’s lab door that night claimed she witnessed the scientist “cracking open ther-
out the insides like Pixie Stix.” “Of course,” she added, “I didn’t think anything of it at the time, other than realizing that I’d finally solved the mystery of the missing crates of thermometers I’d ordered for my thermal imaging study.” Another chemistry professor who worked with the deceased stood up for his actions, calling him “a man of unique vision and genius.” The scientist says he supports the research that was being done, and has plans to found a memorial scholarship to be given annually to the undergraduate chemistry student who makes the most progress in the field of mercury ingestion. Of his former colleague he would only say, “He was like some spacefaring Icarus, who flew too close to Mercury.”
October 25, 2006
Justin Timberlake Begins Global Sex Tour By Chris Kokiousis Staff Writer
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op symbol and sex sensation Justin Timberlake announced in a press conference this week that the upcoming Sexified Tour in support of his new album FutureSex/LoveSounds would be taking the tour format in new directions of audience participation, establishing a deeper rapport between the musician and his fans. “When I said that I wanted to bring sexy back, I was being very serious,” said Timberlake. “I feel that the only way to accomplish this is to actually have sex with the people of the world, stadium by stadium, until my message has been spread.” “I’ve been training for this for months,” added Timberlake. “It’s been exhausting.” According to sexpert scientists, recently the act of sexual intercourse has increased in popularity by a whopping 32%, or a massive 9.5 inches, depending on which system of measurement is used. This directly correlates with the release of Timberlake’s new album. “By graphing the sexual trajectory of the Earth, we can gather many pieces of valuable information,” explained in-house sexpert Richard Jarvis. “For example, Mr. Timberlake’s constant friction has knocked the Earth off its axis, and has caused several minor earthquakes on islands in the Pacific.” Jarvis later added, “I’m not jealous or anything, but I didn’t even think that was possible. It’s just impressive. That’s all I’m saying.” “For this tour, it’s going to be pretty straightforward, you know, no pyrotechnics, no background dancers,” Timberlake said. “It’s just me out there. I’ll probably sing a few
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songs just to set the mood for the evening, after which I will attempt to have sex with every single member of the audience. Yes, I know the logistics of a project this huge seems a little discouraging, but I say bring it on. Going down on forty thousand people doesn’t even make me flinch.” Timberlake’s tour manager provided a rough but extensive list of countries the pop star would be visiting, while adding his own wife was offlimits. When asked if there was any reason for playing the countries in this particular order, Timberlake stated, “I will probably save China and India for last, mainly because I don’t think I have the strength at this point. I imagine my final show will take place in Calcutta along the banks of the Ganges, the entire city performing with and on me. That may take days, if not weeks, of tender lovemaking.” Rolling Stone writer David Fricke asked Timberlake if he had been receiving any emotional support this past week. “Actually, David Blaine gave me a call a few days ago. He’s been giving me some pointers on how to clear my mind so I can complete my task. That guy is a machine. He can go for days without sleep, just having sex.” Timberlake continued, “It felt so good.” After a two week sabbatical, Timberlake will begin the first leg of the tour. A live album which will chronicle the best takes from his live performance is set to be released Summer 2007, though Jive is still brainstorming how to best translate the full live experience to CD. He will return to Los Angeles on his few days off to record upcoming tracks for the next album, the tentatively titled I’m Done With Sex For a While.
Rice Denies Discussing New Refrigerator With Boyfriend
PHOTO By Kim beswick
“No,” says Condaleezza Rice, “no, I don’t smell anything,” before staring blankly for forty seconds. By Tim etler
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Staff Writer
S Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has disputed a report that she brushed off her boyfriend when he warned of the possible immenent failure of her aging refrigerator before Oct. 3, 2006, a failure which resulted in a catastrophic loss of perishable foodstuffs and an unpleasant odor that persists despite several steam cleanings. Rice’s live-in boyfriend, Samuel Renauld, is described in a close friend’s blog as having “sought to impress on Dr. Rice his fear that the motor burnout on her Kenmore was likely.” The report goes on to state that neither Renauld, nor a series of other concerned individuals felt they were able to get through to her. “Every time I came by [Rice’s] apartment it sounded like the inside of some kind of factory, or maybe one of those indoor go-karting places,” explained Renauld’s
friend, Emmerson Smith. “That ‘fridge made more noise than a twelve-year-old armed with a bucket of fireworks, a loudspeaker and a – uh – Bobcat Goldthwait.” Continued Smith, “Seriously, it was smoking half the time and backfired flaming ash every fifteen minutes. It was like having a pizza delivery boy’s beat up VW Bug in the kitchen.” Smith went on to describe through several more elaborate analogies how Renauld would regularly need to refill fire extinguishers after expending an average of three a day putting out fires from the refrigerator. According to Smith, Renauld’s broaching of the topic was always met by Rice with “a cross between a stink-eye and a lazy-eye.” “She’d glare at me with that eye, and her boyfriend with the other and just tell us her fridge was fine,” continued Smith. At one point, Renauld hired a professional technician to come inspect the kitchen appliance. After dis-
covering the machine was largely irreparable, he left a memo recommending Rice discard the aging refrigerator as its failure was guaranteed and even posed a likely threat to her apartment. The memo was written in 48-point font and was stuck to the refrigerator on top of Rice’s favorite doodle. Rice made the doodle, a drawing of an anthropomorphic donut telling a sprinkle-covered donut-hole, “You complete me,” during a Middle East peace conference in July. On September 30th both Smith and Renauld attempted again to persuade Rice, who was again unreceptive despite the fact that in the middle of the conversation the refrigerator had nearly been completely engulfed in flames before Renauld was able to extinguish the fire. Smoke caused the building’s sprinklers to come on and over $700,000 of water damage affected her floor. Rice says she has no specific recollection of the meetings
or the memo and describes Smith’s blog as “ludicrous.” “I didn’t know that this meeting took place... what I am quite certain of is that [it] was not a meeting in which I was told that there was an impending refrigeration failure and I refused to respond,” she told reporters, as she sharpened her fingernails on a knife-steel. “I would remember if I was told, as this account apparently says that there was about to be a failure of the refrigerator in my kitchen.” Continued Rice, “The idea that I would somehow have ignored that, I find incomprehensible.” The estimated cost of the spoiled food comes out to roughly $600. Rice’s boyfriend has since attempted to leave the Secretary of State several times without success. He now resides in her walk-in closet under several 5000-watt lights and the constant sound of kittens being tortured, from a recording that Secretary Rice made while on vacation.
Celebrities Are Just Like Us!
PHOTO By Anastasia Bendebury
“It’s a long line but it sure moves fast,” says expectant Meredith Fish. “I can’t wait to make out with Justin!”
WE WANT TO MAKE YOU COME. Tuesdays. Half Dome Lounge. 6pm.
They get outshined by their siblings !
They get blackmailed by photojournalists!
They sleep in beds!
They direct blockbuster Hollywood movies!
They respirate!
They fade into obscurity!
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October 25th, 2006
Avoiding blame from Political Scandals Child Sex Abuse Scandal
You’ve just been caught with your pants down and your penis in the surprisingly capable hands of a 16-year-old page, but remember; this is not your fault. Sexy children are far too great of a temptation for someone who was improperly touched by a clergy member.
Pastor Molestation
Accepting Bribes
Selling your vote in congress for a a wad of money made entirely of two dollar bills may seem like a good idea at the time, but eventually, someone always finds out about these things. Biased evidence like recorded votes can easily “prove” that your vote for baby seal clubbing coincided with that new baby seal fur jacket you’ve been sporting.
Alcoholism
Most pastors can’t stand the sight of young, innocent flesh without introducing it to the sweet caress of the loving and tender hand of God. Of course, by “sweet caress” we mean “hedonistic unprotected sex.” Only the most hardened heart will fail to sympathize with the victim of child molestation. That means you of course, not the child you molested.
Prescription Drugs
Booze is a harsh mistress that demands satisfaction as well as money. Bame your rampant alcoholism, not your greed, for accepting bribes. People will feel sympathy for you, as alcoholism is a disease outside of the possible control of any mere mortal. Now, selling a vote is merely a cry for sorely needed help
Lover Died In Car Accident
Prescription drugs, designed to keep the pastor’s feeble heart beating, end up rearranging the body’s chemistry, causing him to achieve raging erections in the presence of prepubescent boys. The only logical explanation is a ploy by the vast pharmaceutical companies to turn a devout man of the cloth into a godless sodomite. Satanic bastards.
Steve
The alcohol was just a way to deal with the death of your lover. Sure, you were driving drunk when the car plunged off a cliff and you survived by swimming to shore, but you could have sworn that she was right behind you. It’s not like you just forgot to save her and left her to die. No, it’s not like that at all.
Steve
Prescription drugs, designed to keep the pastor’s feeble heart beating, end up rearranging the body’s chemistry, causing him to achieve raging erections in the presence of prepubescent boys. The only logical explanation is a ploy by the vast pharmaceutical companies to turn a devout man of the cloth into a godless sodomite. Satanic bastards.
That bastard Steve forced the accident by running out into the middle of the road at the last minute. You had no choice but to swerve out of the way and into the river below. His nefarious plan to destroy your political career began in 1972, and now it’s finally bloomed into a poisonous scandal flower with your removal from congress.
BLUBBER BUDDIES
I’m living a lie!
After 23 years of silence, Tony finally cracks.
Unfounded War
You have just been found out for driving the country into a war halfway across the world with no end in sight. The prospect of a quick victory against a small, barely armed country was too great to pass up during an election year, but now you’re facing harsh criticism. But don’t worry; this war has nothing to do with you.
The Media
The sensationalism of the 24-hour news networks is clearly to blame for the war. If they just stopped reporting on the war, then there would be no reason to have a war! Just ask yourself, “If a tactical missile strikes a tree in the middle of the woods, does the public care?” The answer is obviously “no, unless the blasted media tells them.”
Faulty Intelligence
The intelligence for the war came from the government, but it turned out to be faulty. The media are just doing their jobs, and they’ll be damned if they’re going to be taken to task for the government’s lies. After all, it’s not the media’s duty to discover the truth, just to transmit the information that they get in their morning press release packets and White House memos.
Steve
The faulty intelligence, it turns out, came from that dick Steve, who seriously looked really trustworthy at the time. Who doesn’t trust a guy wearing pants? But little did the government know at the time, Steve loves war and would do anything to cause one, short of putting himself in danger. The coward.
Abu-Ghraib Prison Abuse
All those years of wild hedonism finally caught up with you, and the secret prisons you and your buddies tossed all the brown people into aren’t so secret anymore. Someone snitched on you, and now you’re facing an investigation into some so-called “outrages against human dignity.” Genevan pussies.
Ignorance of the Law
All those laws are hard to keep track of these days. There are so many of them. You can’t spend all your time researching laws, for God’s sake, and hiring a staff to look up that sort of thing would mean raising taxes. No one wants that, even if it does mean that a citizen here or there loses a couple years of their life.
Gay Mafia
The Gay Mafia’s propaganda is specifically designed to confuse people regarding the true nature of the law. This is a ploy set in motion years ago to legalize gay marriage, so that the Don’s daughter’s wedding to a butch lesbian would no longer be considered an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.
Stephan
The leader of the Gay Mafia is a man only know as “Stephan.” Stephan’s choice of lifestyle prevents him from ever achieving happiness and this rage drives his desire to reduce everyone to his level, a level characterized by frequent gross human rights violations.
by: Scott Baba