The MQ Volume 21 Issue 1 by The MQ

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

“I’ve been to heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!”— Joan Rivers 1933-2014

Voted “What’s The MQ?” by the majority of the UCSD campus.

September 30, 2014

Area Family Ready To Drop Pretense of Missing Their College-Attending Son BY JACOB AGUIRRE

Copy Editor

eporting that they were “looking forward to removing one of the masks we each wear every day,” the family of Michael Wainwright began assembling cardboard boxes in preparation of his upcoming departure for his second year at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln. The Wainwright family, noted for being “hospitable” and “pretty good at hosting a barbecue” by neighbors, has been weakly telling their son that they missed him over the school year so as not to “reveal [their] true feelings of bliss [in his absence] and upset him.” “It’s always lovely to see my son,” Cynthia Wainwright said. “I mean, when he lived here he really rounded out our family dynamic as the ‘eldest child’ trope. “But he left us, ya know?” Mrs. Wainwright continued. “I’ll admit there was a period of chaos for a while, but now our family has adjusted to life without him, and I think it’s time for him to realize there’s no place for him here anymore.” The last several months have been emotionally taxing on three-fourths of the

IN THIS ISSUE HGTV’S “NEW FIXER UPPERS”

UCSD IS NOT ALL THAT BAD

GUIDE TO THE UNOLYMPICS

6, 7 9

TIME TRAVEL DISAPPOINTING CAMPUS YELP REVIEWS

NEWS IN BRIEF FRESHMAN’S PARENTS BRING CUPCAKES TO SON’S CHEM 6A CLASS PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“You know when the mother bird pushes the baby bird out of the nest, and its choices are to fly or to die?” his mother said, throwing his suitcase out the window. Wainwright family. The family’s usual smiles and whistles were — on June 25 — quickly replaced by sighs of relief

and tired eyes as each of the remaining Wainwrights left each morning to enjoy time away from the “beloved son

and brother.” “You could really see that

See PRETENSE, page 2

Black Hole Created in Northern California As iPhone Release Collapses In on Itself BY BARAK TZORI

Content Editor n early September, Apple unveiled a new line of products including the upcoming iPhone 6, iPhone 6+, and the iWatch. The announcement, which took place in Cupertino, California’s Flint Center, created such immense, city-wide anticipation for the products that last week the city actually collapsed in on itself and created a now rapidly expanding black hole. High hopes coupled with great impatience led many of Cupertino’s residents and businesses to generate an amount of hype towards new Apple products that was so widespread and pervasive that it became a tangible and destructive force, dubbed by physicists as a “hype-force.” In a city with a population of just over 60,000, this force first began to build momentum after each one of Cupertino’s two hundred Starbucks offered up a commemorative beverage throughout the entire week of the unveiling. The drink, although looking, smelling, and tasting the same as a Starbuck’s venti iced coffee, was actually a completely new drink and something unlike anything anyone has ever tasted before. It had the potential to flip the coffee world on its head and may have seemed a little unreasonably priced, but who wouldn’t pay extra for something truly innovative that could never become outdated or irrelevant?

Volume XXI Issue I

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD AND GARRETT CHAN

“All of space and time compressed into a single point, and I still only get three bars?” asked one resident. The contagious anticipation then began to spill over to other aspects of everyday life across the entire city, further contributing to solidifying the destructive hype-force. There were multiple reports of hitech workers who pulled over on their morning commutes and started to make out passionately with other pulledover drivers. Additionally, nearby El Camino Hospital later reported that three children were born on the day of the

AREA PARENTS DISCOVER MID-RAPTURE THEY DIDN’T MAKE IT Attempt to use children to ascend

announcement and subsequently named Timothy Cook Schrieber, iKelley Harmon+, and Cross-app NFC Cloud. During Apple CEO Tim Cook’s speech a number of Wi-Fi and data networks in the nearby area crashed due to the amount of live tweets their servers were receiving. Because the city was left without a means of hearing any new developments from Apple, thousands of Cupertino residents flocked to De Anza Community College, where the announce-

ment’s presentation was held. When a crowd of over 12,000 people had amassed at Flint Center’s two thousand seat auditorium, a veritable superposition of people started to take place. The people in the auditorium, packed like sardines, shared so many of the same opinions so repetitively that at a certain point during the presentation they started to consume each other’s physical space as the hype-force reached dangerous levels. By the end of the presentation, Flint Center had collapsed under the hype-force into a super-dense core of Apple employees and fans. This core then erupted into a black hole. In its center lies the cold corpses of Tim Cook and the Apple Board of Directors. All scientific reports indicate that nothing can pass through the black hole, not even charismatic twentysomething interns with drive and motivation. The black hole has continued to expand in California’s Southern Bay Area, already having consumed many parts of the surrounding cities of Palo Alto, Mountain View, and Sunnyvale. Though journalists dare not go near the now empty ghost town of Cupertino, many outgoing stories describe the city as a dying husk of tumbleweed Starbucks cups, abandoned Tesla Model S’s, and flaming trash cans full of iPhone 5s.

GRANDMOTHER MARVELS AT NEW POWER

Wonders how many guards she can take out before alarms go off at Shady Oaks Retirement Home

Joshua Middleton, a freshman in Eleanor Roosevelt College, planned with his parents a move that campus social climate analysts have called “either social suicide or the smartest move ever; probably the former.” Middleton, whose 18th birthday coincides with the first lecture of his Chemistry 6A class, orchestrated, with the help of his Bakersfield native parents, Wilma and Eugene, the purchase and distribution of 342 cupcakes to his fellow students. Although they had spent “more than we would like to tell,” says Wilma, they “just want our little

man to make a great first impression to all his new friends on his special day.” This gesture has received mixed reviews from the 8:00 a.m. Chemistry 6A lecture. Cristina Song, a Muir freshman, exclaimed that “he seems so nice! I can’t wait to become Facebook friends with him and meet at the UnOlympics!” Song insisted a series of seven emojis, including “the one with the like ball and streamers falling from it,” be included in this article; however, they were removed due to copyright infringement. Fred Peoples, a Revelle College junior, commented “Who is he again?”

LOCAL GOTHS’ “WELCOME WEEK BEACH SEANCE” MARRED BY BIKINI-CLAD FRESHMEN As Welcome Week entered full swing, local goths at the University of California, San Diego, prepared for their annual “Welcome Week Beach Seance.” The event commenced with the customary circle of candles and pentagram built of the sacred bones from Von’s butchered lambs. This event was expected to go as smoothly as last year. Goths Club President Fritz Despair reflected on the success of last year’s event as “particularly morbid, and at times depressing … just as planned.” However, this year’s se-

ance was tainted by the smiling faces of hopeful freshman, eager to start their first year at UCSD. “We goths don’t come to the ‘Welcome Week Beach Seance’ to see joyful, tanned bodies in bikinis and rainbows. We want darkness, bleakness, black one-pieces,” said Despair. The goths of UCSD did not let this unfortunate joy ruin their seance, as reportedly they made successful contact with the spirits of three previously beached whales who “also love Joy Division as much as we do,” commented Despair.

“SKIFFLE” AN ACTUAL MUSIC GENRE Local tween Julia Crinkle watched an interview with Jimmy Page last Thursday, during which he revealed that he had played a strain of folksy British street music called “Skiffle” as a child. Intrigued by the sexless but rapidly tempoed sample, Crinkle tried finding more information but was quickly stumped. “It made sense that it might be hard finding the genre since I’d never heard of it before, but I didn’t expect to hit a wall so solidly,” Crinkle commented. “Google only showed me results for Skittles™ marketing music videos, the Rolling Stone™ Dictionary didn’t include it, and when I tried to ask my ancient

British librarian about it, she said there was no such thing and if it was it would be terrible and embarrassing to Brits everywhere and to stop trying to find it.” However, following more thorough investigation, Crinkle discovered that Judi Dench and David Tennant were major players in the recent underground Skiffle revival. After receiving a strongly worded letter from Queen Elizabeth II, Crinkle has decided “some things are better left dead.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

Warren RA Already Drunk On Power

September 30, 2014 CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

Pretense

something was eating away at them,” said Judy Merman, a neighbor of the Wainwrights. ”I’ve known the family for a number of years now, so I picked up on it quickly. I thought that they were being torn up about the tragedies in Gaza, but when Michael left for that week at camp, it was easy to see that it was his presence in the household that was ruining their summer.” George Wainwright, described by his old high school buddies as “a real go-getter,” was less than pleased by his son’s “mooching.” “I had a job at 15 and my own place by 18,” said Mr. Wainwright. “And now that my son is home I’m expected to be happy that he decides to take some time away from his ‘busy’ life to grace us with his presence? “But I need to keep up appearances and keep this family conflict under wraps. I’m running for the city council

and Jeffrey Stipe was nearly chased out of town for his familial troubles last year. I can’t let my son ruin another good thing in my life.” However, it was Jessica Wainwright, Michael’s 15-yearold sister, that had the hardest time keeping the ruse alive. “You know, it’s my summer vacation too,” commented Jessica Wainwright. “Do you know how hard it is to go from hanging out with your friends and enjoying life for once, only to then come home and bury your misery beneath a gleaming smile and girlish laugh? I think Michael has always had this effect on us, but now we’ve tasted freedom and can’t wait to get it back.” Michael Wainwright expressed he “cant wait 2 leave ths damn place [sic]” in a text to his friend Annabeth Carlson, and then left to go get Cinnamon Twists and draw on the back table in Taco Bell for the third time this week.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Nice steady hands, Gary! This almost makes up for last night. Just remember that my boxers run on delicate,” said Lawrence. RILEY MALLORY

Editor-in-Chief

erry Lawrence, an RA for UC San Diego’s Warren College, has, in the first week of school, begun systematically abusing the authority of his position. His leadership has created what some have called “a nonideal environment” and others have called “a totalitarian climate verging on the criminal.” In addition, a faction of students, with motivations unclear, have risen in support of Lawrence. Issues began on the first day of Welcome Week when a student identified a friendship bracelet they found on Etsy as the same bracelet they had made in the previous night’s community project. Lawrence had justified the project by claiming he was going to distribute the bracelets to students at random to symbolize their “interconnectivity [sic], even in this new space.” However, in private, Lawrence reportedly told a fellow Warren RA that he intended to “get the cash for

a bitchin’ Jet Ski” from the bracelet sales. Lawrence assured his fellow RA that he would loan said Jet Ski to students “maybe.” Reportedly what followed was a continuing and worsening misuse of his position, ranging from forcing students to provide him use of their dining dollars to denying students access to bathrooms and showers unless they answered a series of increasingly complex riddles. Lawrence defended his actions to an administrative board when questioned. “Do movie nights work for some? Maybe. I can tell you that making the students wrestle one another for access to the laundry room is what has worked well here.” Lawrence also, according to reports, is holding students’ room inventories — sheets all students living on campus must complete — “hostage” until each student completes a personal task for Lawrence. “He calls the tasks our onuses,” said Warren freshman Maria de Delores. “Everyone has to do something

different. My suitemate just had to go get Terry his groceries, but I know one guy who had to rub him down in olive oil ‘like the Roman Patriarchs of old.’” A rash of Lawrence related acts of vandalism has sparked some confusion, however, as sources seem unsure as to whether or not the actions are the result of the onuses. Many have speculated that, instead, the vandalism stems directly from a quickly developing cult of personality and building wave of adulation dedicated to Lawrence. Wednesday morning, students in Lawrence’s floor awoke to find their door placards — which originally contained their names and an image based on the theme of their floor — replaced by individual images of Lawrence. Each individual suite’s theme had been replaced with a specific subset of imagery, such as “Sporty Terry” or “Sleepy Terry.” Hanging between the elevators on the bottom floor is now the image of Jesus Christ with Lawrence’s face

plastered over that of Jesus. It is thus far unknown how directly Lawrence influenced these events, or to what extent those who committed the acts did so willingly. Reports confirm, however, that following the acts of vandalism, Lawrence has been seen in public only with an entourage of supporters and bodyguards, and has refused to talk to reporters and administrators. As of Wednesday evening, a group of radical students, calling themselves The Branch Teridians, have barricaded themselves and Lawrence into the floor. They have prevented the entry of nonbelievers, authority figures, and “the unclean.” In spite of the current social climate on Lawrence’s floor, few students have opted to leave. “I mean what are we going to do?” asked Warren student Tanya Grace. “Apply for a room transfer and risk winding up in the AnarchoCommunist Federation of Miranda and have to wait three hours in line for some fucking toilet paper?”

Questions Asked by Both Freshmen and New Prison Inmates 10. Can I have the bottom bunk? 9. Why are the books for prisoners relegated to a closet? 8. Why does it feel like I’m in prison? 7. So, I make a shank out of a toothbrush? 6. You don’t think they’ll realize I took those forks, do you? 5. Why do they keep letting more people in if there’s no space left? 4. Disney movie night again? 3. What do you mean, “shower shoes”? 2. Do you ever get the feeling that you’re just an insignificant cog in the greater machinery of a self-serving, authoritarian, capitalist, power-hungry machine? 1. Someone will eventually give me a job when I do my time and get out of here, right? Right?!

Editor-in-Chief...........................Riley Mallory Managing Editor..........................Hillary Chan Managing Editor.....................Andrew Deneris Content Editor..........................Natalie McLain Content Editor...............................Barak Tzori Design Editor.................................Kyle Trujillo Assistant Design Editor...............Garrett Chan Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee

Graphics Editor......................Katherine Wood Copy Editor................................Jacob Aguirre Publicity Chair........................Cole Steffensen Social Chair..............................Trevor Malone Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert MQ Dad..........................................Sora Chee Foreign Correspondent..............Wesley Chan Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Allegra Baker Jack Beegan Katie Brown Andrew Buss Bora Buyuktimkin Corina Cadiz Romelle Canonizado

Angelique De Castro Dylan Everingham Jeffrey Filice Phillip Hodgson Shruti Khandai Kayle Kvinge David Lee

Omri Levia Julia Mechali Drew Nguyen Audrey Olson Emily Payne Brian Seibert

Brian Trenkle Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Spencer Wilson Jen Windsor Jose Zamudio

Booster Club Now with 30% more ironic detachment.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.” All content is copyright © 2013 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. It’s Sunday, 12:28 a.m. on the first production of the year, and I could not be more impressed with the work that the staff and ed board has done this production — even understaffed — and with many people moving in in the midst of production. I want to give special acknowledgement to our design editor, Kyle, and Garrett, who have worked hard consistently all weekend to put out quality design. Also, to Natalie, who showed up two days before she was even meant to, risking her fish’s life in the process, who worked hard and remained cool and collected. I also want to thank Cole and Trev, our publicity and social editors respectively, who I thought were lunatics to attempt to produce our fliers mid-production. But here we are now, with a host of quality fliers and a massive list of names from tabling. Again, thank you all. I’m so profoundly excited to be involved with a group of people who come together to create something they value, and to do it with humor and a good attitude. I’m incredibly excited for this year.

Thank you to everyone who showed up to our first production of the year, even before some of you had moved in. Thank you to Andrew, Cole, Jacob, and Trev, who bought soda. Thank you Kayle and Jacob, who bought people coffee. Thank you to the Starbucks barista who berated me, and wrote my name as “The Guy W/O Answers.” Thanks to Allie, who brought oranges, cookies, and chocolate-covered kale. No thanks to people who use the term superfood; I do not and will not respect you. Thank you to Kat, who brought apple juice, to Sora, who brought Red Vines, and Garrett, who bought little honey cookies. Special thanks to Kaylee, the official production dog — formerly owned by Howard.

theMQ.org

September 30, 2014

Page 3

HGTV Runs Out of Homes To Renovate, Builds “New Fixer-Uppers”

EDITORIAL

I Seduced the Serial Killer Who Murdered All of My Friends at That Summer Camp Last Year, and You Can Too me. At least he paid attention to you. Secondly, you always have to go back to whatever camp or lake or camp by a lake that your beau calls home. Most people see my dragging a new set of inebriated and sexually charged teenage friends into the woods of the camp where all my previous inebriated and sexually charged teenage friends were killed last year as a lapse of judgment. To that, I can only say, you’ve clearly underestimated my cunning when it comes to snagging a boy toy. I’m in love with a delicious hunk of homicidal man meat, okay? Not a living brain donor. It was a tactical move in the name of love. Finally, you have to have the right tools and the right mindset. My first summer at Camp Crystal Lake was a mess, and it ended in nothing but unrequited love and a bunch of boring funerals that I was then expected to go to for some reason. As if my broken heart wasn’t enough to be grieving about. Anyways, even though that period in my life was awful, it also gave me the knowledge I needed to make that mystery man behind the hockey mask bare his heart, soul, and partially mutilated body to me. Learning from the past is key. If you take my advice, I guarantee that after a night of spear stabs and barbed wire stranglings, you’ll find yourself with a little one-on-one time (and also a lot less friends, be prepared for that part too). Just remember, smolder, never scream. If he grabs you by the hair and throws you to the ground, lock eyes with those holes in his mask and give him your most sultry stare. The rest is just basic body language. Don’t cross your arms over your chest (it makes you seem unapproachable) and try touching his shoulder a lot. Boys love that, and serial killers are no exception. You’ve got this, girl! Happy hunting!

BY NATALIE MCLAIN

Future Mrs. Jason oes this sound familiar? He murdered all of your friends, and you were the only survivor. But that doesn’t mean you came out of the whole ordeal without injury, right? In fact, I’d say that, out of everyone, you sustained the worst injury of all: an ignited heart without the tools to quench its yearning flames. Sounds like you’ve got a bad case of cabin-killer fever, and the only way to alleviate your pain is to go get your man. I was like you once. Held hostage by a wild and carnal desire that begins its slow, deep burn that first time you see him swinging his chainsaw-machete hybrid, spilling over with the power of raw, unbridled sexual energy. A primal craving so strong and completely overpowering, you can only sit and stare with lust as he buries arrows in your empty-headed blond friend who’s trying to escape in a paddle boat with no oars. I wanted a man like that to dominate me, and so I did everything in my power to get him. Now, I’m here to help the admirers of serial killers everywhere. First things first: You have to be prepared for the people around you to bitch and moan about their own problems and just totally not get yours. You got a leg chopped off before being beheaded on top of your girlfriend? Great. Boo hoo you. Seriously? I fell in love with someone that didn’t even have enough interest to finish murdering

PHOTO BY TREV MALONE

Network executives stated that HGTV ratings rose, fell, and rose again as they destroyed and rebuilt the majority of cablecapable houses in America. been built days ago. “If anything it will be more homes in need of renovation.” BY TREVOR MALONE

Social Chair

n a press release Thursday, the cable lifestyle giant Home and Garden Television announced plans to stimulate the low numbers of houses requiring renovation. This campaign, entitled “Make Houses, Destroy Houses, Make Homes,” aims to generate more properties for their variety of house and landscape renovation programs that have run out of homes requiring their assistance. Linda Doolitle, a representative for the network, detailed this campaign “to be the newest step in providing stunningly renovated homes that you have come to expect from our celebrity designers, all while avoiding the hassle of finding the last few older

“MHDHMH,” as the network has branded it, will drastically alter the current format of many of their most popular shows. Instead of selecting properties requiring renovation to compare with other houses in their general neighborhood, the first episode of each two part “transformation storyline” will involve the prospective homeowners and the show host finding a vacant plot of land, purchasing said property, and building “their own fixer-upper.” If a property is found containing a structure already, it will be dismantled and the scrap materials will be utilized to create a “new fixer-upper.” This initial structure is guaranteed by the network to be virtually identical to the older structures requiring renovation that hadn’t

“The home will be decorated head-to-toe with outdated, cheap looking fixtures and shag carpeting that, depending on the home, may or may not have hard wood underneath it. These are the kinds of surprises we want each of our ‘new fixer-uppers’ to have,” commented Doolittle. Although Doolittle could not elaborate much further on the condition of these newly made homes prior to their immediate renovation, she did detail that “you can bet your booty there will be foundation problems for authenticity.” The second episode of the transformation storyline for each property will involve the actual renovation of each “new fixer-upper” to network standards.

of a challenge for our designers because they themselves will have to go and renovate the problems with each property they intentionally made in the first episode,” said Doolittle. “We cannot wait for the kind of exciting and informative experience that awaits for our viewers.” HGTV is set to unveil their new show lineup later this month, with changes to some of their notable programs to “better coincide with the new direction of the network and the MHDHMH campaign.” “Flipping the Block, and Then Immediately Flipping It Again,” “Vacant Lot Hunters International,” and “Love It or List It or Destroy It and Rebuild” are among the 12 revised shows debuting next season.

BIOCHEMISTRY AND CELL BIOLOGY MAJOR Chemicals are boring, we play God!

Looking for a fun and exciting major? We do a lot of things in cell

biology. We get to work with infectious diseases and oncology, but we also have our own “pet” project. Here’s some examples, just don’t tell the FDA!

In memoriam: Ron, the seahorse horse, who could unfortunately survive on neither land nor sea

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Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

theMQ.org

Page 4

September 30, 2014

Sport World Ignores Baseball for Johnny Manziel Again

POINT

When Every Child Gets a Trophy, Nobody’s a Winner BY ELENA PRICE

Mother and Practitioner of Tough Love ll parents go through impulsive moments of spoiling their kids with luxury — whether it’s the most expensive stroller Target could offer or even vaccines (thanks, Obama)! But now, we’ve gone too far. We’ve come to a point where we stuff trophies down our children’s throats for the littlest achievements their tiny, useless limbs can claim credit for. Your son made it to his soccer game twice in a row? Amazing! Give him a trophy. Your three-year-old daughter finally stopped throwing a tantrum and finished her exact replica of “The Starry Night” by Van Gogh? Sure, that’s nice. Why not give her a trophy? With this misleading mentality, how will we ever teach our kids that only the best of the best wins trophies in the adult world? My parents once granted me an urn full of my grand-

“Well, you gentlemen are going to see a side of me that only the groupies see,” Manziel said, squatting. BY KATHERINE WOOD

Graphics Editor

ast Thursday, ESPN announced that coverage of the current baseball season would come to an early close in order to make air time for 24 hour coverage of the life of Johnny Manziel. As a winner of the Heisman Award two years ago and a notoriously existent human being, Manziel is a reliable, 24/7 source of activity and function as an organism. He has been described by ESPN President John Skipper as the “Sports News’ Messiah,” giving a fresh focus to a news outlet that has concentrated primarily on sports scores and team lineups for the last fifty years. Instead of commentating sports games and working with statisticians, reporters now contract out with paparazzi and surf Manziel’s social media. “It really looks like Johnny’s just having another one of those dramatically human days again,” commented ESPN SportsCenter anchor Matt Barrie, noting that Manziel was just an “incredible specimen, so fascinating.

“He got up, took a shit — man, he really inspires all of us to consume a proper amount of fiber, look at that beauty — and then whined a bit about having to work out so often. Hmm, let me see,” Barrie said before trailing off and scribbling madly on a piece of paper. Looking up, he announced, “TONIGHT’S HEADLINES: ‘Johnny Football’ Really Plays a Great Game of Poopball, And How The Sports World Can Benefit from Following His Fiber Lead, Is Johnny Manziel Ready to Throw The Ball Away for Good? Manziel’s Frustrations with the NFL Life, and BREAKING NOW: Johnny Manziel Just Did Something, Probably Something You’ve Done Too but Manziel’s Version Is More Special.” Nodding gently with eyes closed, Barrie quietly said, “God, that guy is just a font of entertainment.” Manziel’s real value seems to be in providing a moderately long list of recognitions to revisit and several controversial-but-developmentally-typical-for-a-20-yearold-male actions to get in an uproar about and then

analyze. According to officials from the ESPN programming department, Manziel has provided a “rejuvenating refocus from the old standbys of athletic statistics.” “Baseball? People have been watching that shit for decades, and they would still be stuck in that rut if it weren’t for Johnny Manziel,” stated Kevin Connors, another SportsCenter anchor. “You know what’s fresh, something they haven’t seen before? An Instagram picture of Johnny Football holding a Corona and yelling something. Heineken, yes. But Corona is a new development for him.” When asked about the near-duplication of reporting on Manziel’s then-underage beer drinking, Connors responded, “Well the Corona is new. And so what if the A’s won another game? Great, they’ve done it before. What ESPN really wants to cover is what does this Corona mean? Is Manziel dating a Latina lady? Is he gonna run off to Mexico and quit football? Is he making a revolutionary attempt to break down cultural boundaries by publicly consuming an

PHOTO BY GARRETT CHAN

exotic beverage? This elusive Corona is really what’s rocking the sports world.” However, audience members disagree. “For crap’s sake!” commented Lana Holmsten, longtime ESPN viewer. “Where are the league standings? We’re running blind here! I even set up a phone campaign to call the station and request coverage on the A’s game, but no, they don’t do sports anymore, just Johnny? Just Johnny? What a goddamned mess …” Holmsten broke off. “Not even a list of injured players, for sweet mercy’s sake?” Despite such protests, the network seems set on continuing with the coverage of Manziel. Rumors have been circulating that a series called “Johnny Flashbacks: Remember When” is set to air during the World Series, with each episode focusing on an outof-date award or title Manziel has received. ESPN is currently researching a name change, too. The primary contender is currently “Entertainment and Johnny Manziel Programming Network (EJMPN).”

UC San Diego Named Number One College in San Diego Area Named UC San Diego

COUNTERPOINT

Everyone’s a Winner with a Trophy from Harry Wiles’ Trophy Emporium! BY HARRY WILES

CEO and Founder of Harry Wiles’ Trophy Emporium In the modern day, it’s easy to get swept up in too much negativity. You feel like you have no purpose, you live and die within the confines of the daily grind, get up each morning, head to your 9-to5 (or your 9-to-3, if you’re in school), file some paperwork (or practice some cursive), listlessly eat a PB&J your spouse made you in the break room (or complete yet another set on the same old monkey bars you’ve been doing for three monotonous years). Maybe your boss (or Mrs. Fallon) gives you crap for being late (or for eating too many crayons). But it’s not your fault. You just wanted to feel something, to get attention, to be special (cool) again. And now you can! I’m Harry Wiles, and I’m just like you. When I was a kid, I had no trophies and even fewer dreams. Did I imagine I would grow up to own the largest trophy emporium in East Wichita, Kan.? No. I wanted to be renowned actor Jean-Claude van Damme but I quickly learned that I wouldn’t achieve my dreams. But what do you do when you realize you can’t reach your dreams? Do what any American would do and bring your dreams to you on a silver-coat-

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE AND KATHERINE WOOD

“This fulfills two of my dreams: Making UCSD a number one school and having sex with myself,” said Khosla. BY KEVIN CHU Deceased

C San Diego has once again been named the number one university in San Diego County named UC San Diego, continuing the institution’s dominant history of being a top-ranking UC San Diego. For the 15th consecutive year, UC San Diego has been recognized by UC San Diego Monthly as one of the nation’s top UC San Diegos in rankings that measure how much a San Diego area college fits the description of a UC San Diego. The rankings measure on several criteria, including “known as a research institution,” “has a library named Geisel,” and “whether the se-

quence of letters in the name spells out ‘UC San Diego.’” “Being a UC San Diego is so integral to our mission at UC San Diego,” said UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla. “It is an honor to be recognized as the top university in San Diego that also happens to be called ‘UC San Diego.’” According to the magazine, ranking standards were modified this year in order to reflect the changing requirements for being a UC San Diego. Criteria added include whether or not there is a house on top of an engineering department building and if the university has three separate “Confessions” pages on Facebook.

“Everything is ranked on a strict point distribution and graded very carefully,” said current UC San Diego Monthly Editor-in-Chief Pradeep Khosla. “We want this list to reflect accurately which top schools in the greater San Diego area most match the description of a UC San Diego, so students will know which UC San Diego is the best for them.” The ranking is one in a recent string of number one spots garnered by UC San Diego, which has topped charts as a number one college in publications such as Washington Monthly, Triton Magazine, and several RA newsletters such as The H House Her-

ald, Paw Prints, and Hey It’s Shayla, Your RA. “Going to UC San Diego changed my life and I’m happy that it’s finally being recognized for what it is,” said UC San Diego Extension Chancelling Certification Program alumnus Pradeep Khosla. “I would not have gotten as good of an education at any college that isn’t named UC San Diego, located in La Jolla, Calif., that goes by a unique six college system.” UC San Diego has taken the top spot almost every time in the 64 years that the UC San Diego Monthly has ranked colleges by their UC San Diego-ness, except in 1999 when a clerical error caused the Preuss School in UC San Diego to take the spot.

parents’ ashes as a college graduation gift. It was a much needed lesson that mediocre achievements are only a momentary distraction from our impending mortality. If I had gotten a trophy instead that day, I would have never strived to become a successful mortician and a proud owner of 34 antique porcelain dolls my children think they’ll inherit, but won’t. Because life doesn’t just hand out antique porcelain dolls like trophies. So let’s get back to our roots — the golden age — where parents’ apathy turns children into the bitter, regretriddled, and absent parents we are today.

The secret ingredient in your late grandmother’s jungle juice recipe

THE MQ Tuesdays. 6pm. Half Dome Lounge.

ed plastic platter — made easy with a trophy from Harry Wiles’ Trophy Emporium. I opened my trophy emporium three years ago to personally guarantee that every single one of the 7 billion people on Earth is, in his or her own way, more special than anybody else on Earth, for the very affordable price of $15.99 (or $75.99 for larger or deluxe stainless tin trophies). My trophies are the perfect way to send your childathlete, coworker, significant other, or even yourself heartfelt messages like “Did Not Get Concussion in Pee-Wee Soccer 2014,” “Best Cubicle-Mate Ever!”, “We Should Keep Dating But Not Move In Together Yet!”, and “You’re Trophy Shop Will Undoubtedly Succeed, Harry!” (Visit the special Discount Emporium! for ultra-competitive prices on trophies that are refurbished, damaged, or contain typos.) You, too, can be a winner. Stop by to receive an “I Visited Harry Wiles’ Trophy Emporium” trophy for the low, low price of only $7.99 today.

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September 30, 2014

Students Complain Bed Size Not Conducive to Social Relationships

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EDITORIAL

Olive Garden Just Redefined “Family Style”

BY JAMES MCCOY Unsuspecting Son

W PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD AND LAWRENCE LEE

“And to think, just nine months ago we didn’t even know each other’s names. And my tongue was in your mouth…” said Louis, wistfully. BY JULIA MECHALI

Staff Writer igh enrollment numbers for the 2014-2015 school year and increasing numbers of upper classmen seeking on-campus living have set the demand for campus housing at a record high. UC San Diego was forced to move students into triples and quads, leading to numerous complaints concerning overcrowding. The Housing, Dining, and Hospitality (HDH) department of the university recently received a petition, signed by 5000 students, requesting an increase in the size of the beds in on-campus dorms and apartments. “Those beds are tiny!” explains Jenna Simmons, a communications major and sophomore in Revelle College. “When my boyfriend comes over, we can’t do anything. Everything is just too tight and uncomfortable.” Similar complaints filed read that the beds “lack the wiggle room neces-

sary to get down and dirty.” “It’s like UCSD wants to prevent first-year students from having children,” protests Mary Enderson, freshman and aspiring midwife. “What kind of 18-year-old doesn’t want a kid in college?” Other students emphasized that the size of the beds contributes to the negative “socially dead” reputation of UCSD. “It’s the basics of selective breeding,” said human biology major Alejandra Delatorre. “If students who party are given space to get intimate and, of course, have children, those children, in turn, will also be partiers. We’ll be able to change the face of this educational establishment in a single generation!” “This enhancement could create a more unified student body,” said ASB president Tim Vengi. “Homesick students would be able to create their own family right here on campus. And the bonds students

would form by having children together? It would really make for a more connected and familial atmosphere.” Students also specified that they would be willing to compromise by accepting an increased number of students in each room in order to offset any cost HDH might incur from increasing bed sizes. If HDH accepts the students’ terms, UCSD will allow a new maximum of six people per room, offering the following rooming options: Alone, Couples, Threesome, Small Orgy, and Large Orgy. In order to incorporate the new housing plans smoothly, HDH would offer co-ed bedding. Through this new policy, students would need to provide a list of their top five choices in bedmate upon enrollment. If students fail to provide such list, they will be randomly assigned their bedmate and roommates for the upcoming year. To avoid any potential con-

flicts, each student will be assigned a side of the bed, not changeable until the start of the following quarter. Some students and organizations, however, are adversaries of the policy. “Not all students need a queen-sized bed,” noted Kevin Tso, fourth year computer science student. “In Warren, it would just be a waste of space. An awkward, lonely waste of space.” A UCSD freshman survey supports these claims, reporting that 90 percent of Warren students never meet an individual they are attracted to in their first year on campus, meaning most students would be assigned a random bedmate. Next week, the UC system will engage in a debate with active members of both partisans and adversaries of the petition. At the conclusion of this debate, the UCSD chancellor will determine the fate of UCSD’s housing policy.

Paperboys Officially Placed on Endangered Species List BY BARAK TZORI

Content Editor he mayor of Frostburg, MD, W. Robert Flanigan, unexpectedly decided to discontinue his town’s paperboy program about two months ago. Since then, four other municipalities across the United States have passed similar initiatives and forced the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) to place paperboys on its official 2014 list of endangered species this past week. Flanigan spoke to the public in a press briefing when the news broke. “At the time we thought only of cutting costs,” Flanigan admitted. “Newspapers were not selling as it was and hiking up the price by two dollars a paper just to pay a child was not a profitable business model.” Other towns cited similar reasons for closing their paper purveying offices. Dean Krukemeyer, a member of the public affairs board in Porterville, Ohio and co-chair of Porterville’s Paper Peddlers commented on the news. “Times are tough. And besides that, the new laws prohibiting cheap child labor really took a toll on our expenses,” Krukemeyer proclaimed. “The bottom line was we couldn’t turn a profit.” When asked about paperboys keeping company with black rhinos, mountain gorillas, and white rhinos, Krukemeyer protested, “Listen, if it was all up to me, none of this would’ve happened. I’m all in favor of having a bunch of little children bike around unsupervised in unknown neighborhoods at the crack of dawn.”

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD AND LAWRENCE LEE

Psychologists petitioned the plethora of paper boys to perform with prophylactic paraphernalia and plausible penetrative positions. Perhaps paperboys can still be protected. A rising effort to preserve paperboys, spearheaded by Pennsylvania-native Joanna Pryce and her brigade, penned “Pryce’s Powerful Paperboys,” has had a mixed reception from targeted neighborhoods. Pryce herself has said that “guys and gals” are signing up for her promising program in packs and droves. However, she concedes that the e-news delivery business is not as lucrative as she had hoped. “The public just isn’t prepared to pay prime fare to have paperpeople bring them an iPad in the morning with the news,” Pryce said, positioned in her base of operations, with a prodigiously packed pile of iPads placed paramount and peeking from behind her shoulder. On the opposite coast,

another attempt is being made at reviving paperboys. A program employing inmates as paperboys has grown in size and influence, owing its start to a correctional facility in Pendleton, Ore. Frederick Pillay, who prompted the program, shared his profound pride in its success with the press. “The Pendleton Penitentiary Prisoners’ Premier Paperpersons have taken powerful strides towards repairing and repainting the public’s polluted and profaned perception of these poor prisoners,” promoted Pillay. “Not only have we delivered thousands of papers, but we’ve taught over 30 inmates how to ride a bicycle.” These efforts are brave to be sure, but that hasn’t stopped the WWF from placing paperboys a few points

away from a preeminent position on the endangered species list, calling their position “precarious and possibly perilous.” Painfully, paperboys are only the most recent addition to the list. Older items closer to extinction include glass milk bottles, Blu-Ray DVD players, mousepads, and attention spans. But while there have been efforts to keep all of these artifacts alive, the pronounced push to preserve, protect, and provide for paperboys has propagated a pullulating potpourri of promising prepubescents who, in their a-paradigmatic and prototypical push for perfection, have piqued the prying public eye, producing at least a prevalent place at preservation powwows and pulpits to come.

hen I stepped into the new Olive Garden on the corner of Fourth and Goldenrod, I was a little wary of it. “When you’re here, you’re family,” the sign read. To me, it seemed like a clever marketing ploy by a bunch of restaurant big wigs to peddle some penne alfredo onto a couple of unsuspecting American families. Looking back, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Immediately, I was greeted by a lovely hostess named Marilyn. She reminded me a lot of my mom in that she stunk of perfume and chain smoked for the entire duration of my meal. She asked me why I hadn’t called more, and as she sat me down at the table, she assured me that she’d made a “light” dinner, because I didn’t need the calories. Marilyn showed me to my seat and introduced me to another member of their Olive Garden “family,” a balding man who went by “Uncle Jimmy.” I was pleasantly taken aback by just how much Olive Garden committed to the family feel as Uncle Jimmy poured a flask-full of rum into his Pepsi underneath the table. Uncle Jimmy then asked me how much I make in a year before going on a rant about Obamacare that I tried not to listen to. It felt just like a family dinner! As Uncle Jimmy started talking about his idea to start a

new roofing business, our waitress, Brittany, came to take our order. I ordered the “beef,” the only item on the menu. “Whatever,” Brittany said. Her uniform consisted of poorly flat-ironed hair, excessive eye makeup, and a My Chemical Romance t-shirt that exposed her possibly infected belly button piercing. After getting our orders, Brittany looked at her phone and rolled her eyes for a while before Marilyn came in and said she looked cheap. Brittany stormed out without making eye contact as Marilyn followed behind. “Jesus. Women, right?” Uncle Jimmy bemused, before going into greater detail about how his roofing company would work. I sipped my drink and barely listened as Uncle Jimmy continued to talk, then all of a sudden, right as the food came, Uncle Jimmy asked to borrow $4,000 to start up his company. Of course, Marilyn was there to support him, and both of them glared at me as I tried to dodge the question. By this point, I was blown away. It felt so much like a family dinner, I’d almost completely forgotten I was at the Olive Garden. Of course, the food was just as authentic. A pale piece of undercooked meat next to a pre-made salad with real-life Hidden Valley Italian dressing reminded me almost exactly of my mother’s cooking. White bread and margarine flowed freely, and Uncle Jimmy talked the whole time about how the four thousand dollars weren’t a gift, but an investment. With a strong “maybe,” I rushed to pay the check and said I needed to get home and check on my dog. I guess the big question is, would I go back to the Olive Garden? Well, considering I’ve already gotten two phone calls and a bunch of illegible text messages asking why I don’t visit more, I think I have to!

TOP TEN

Changes to History If Stalin Was a Golden Retriever 10. Would’ve built Russia upon the principles of Karl Barks 9. General feelings about communism summed up as, “Aww, adorable” 8. There’d be one really weird “Air Bud” movie that doesn’t fit in with the rest 7. Playing dead made official sport of the U.S.S.R. 6. Being a “good boy” is an illusory construct invented by bourgeois oppressors to subjugate the proletariat 5. Old Yeller considered Western propaganda 4. Tendency to chase tail undermined glorious march forward by the proletariat 3. The propaganda images of him standing with a group of children would actually be pretty endearing 2. Eastern Siberia the site of multiple “farms upstate” 1. Russia crippled by a leader unable to make sentient decisions. Also, probably less death

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We’re the kids that Nick@Nite warned you about

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September 30, 2014

UNOLYmpICS

Sports analysts, dance connoisseurs, and overbearing parents everywhere have been waiting in anticipation for the interdisciplinary athletic event of the year: UCSD’s UnOlympics. Fueled by thousands of naively enthusiastic freshmen who don’t know better, hours and hours of pre-season training is about to culminate in the best replacement for a Homecoming game UCSD administrators could think of. Here is our pre-event coverage to keep you focused and up-to-date on the biggest event of the season!

MUIR

Sixth

MASCOT: Lawn Dude

Also the official mascot of the CA drought! Follow him on Twitter @lawn_dude. Strengths: Muir students are able to train by scaling the res halls, the tallest buildings on campus. This builds muscles, dexterity, and a healthy fear of heights. Weakness: Students are sleep-deprived from the combination of some asshole blasting house music and Randy playing trombone until two in the morning.

Revelle

MASCOT: The Corpse of Roger Revelle

Normally lying in a suspended state in Galbraith, he is brought out and thawed once a year to serve as a rallying symbol at the UnOlympics. Strengths: Look for Revelle to be a sleeper in the pep rally. Their broad and diverse education allows their students to excel at coming up with creative and catchy “team spirit” chants. Weaknesses: Becky from the third floor has been acting like she is way too cool for the UnOlympics and it is really bringing morale down.

MASCOT: Corgi O’Reilly and Andrew Richy

Legally distinct from Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter, as demanded by the cease and desist letter. Strengths: Being the newest college, Sixth has a crazed obsession with proving themselves and moving up in the colleges’ pecking order. Orientation leaders want to win so badly, they snuck a copy of P90X into each freshman’s swag bag. Weaknesses: Students of Sixth have to leave, like, a half hour earlier in the morning to make it to the UnOlympics on time. Look for them to have tired legs.

marshall MASCOT: Blind Lady of Justice

Coincidentally, one of the most dangerous mascots, as both the blindfold and sword are real. Strengths: Watch out for these Marshall kids. The raccoon infestation in the dorms has turned all the surviving freshmen into feral warriors with a taste for blood. Weaknesses: Their footwork is a little sloppy, and the knee injury never fully healed, so if anyone gets a good strike on it, they could be limping the rest of the UnOlympics.

Sponsored by the on p r ste you ou e y c e or an Bef od t d fiel t out, le of et r ott og t b hea a e

b ic gra or Ju d! e t Ga mp you

We’re pretty sure it will be discontinued shortly after this ad; however, we drank a bottle between our marketing departments and have been up for three days straight! It’s not vegetarian either but we can’t tell you how or why.

Warren Mascot: Pile of Rocks

This is technically supposed to be the Warren Bear, but students have never once fully reassembled it in time for the UnOlympics. Strengths: As an initiation ceremony, Warren students must go into the canyon and kill an animal with their bare hands. We’re not really sure why but this seems to give them a competitive edge in the categories of teamwork and passion. Weaknesses: Contrary to the belief of many Warren students, the judges will not grant you a better score in the dance section, regardless of how efficient your Objective-C code is.

ERC

MASCOT: Denny the Universal Declaration of Human Rights Fun Fact: Eleanor Roosevelt included in Denny the human right to funk, no matter what those “jive-ass turkeys say.” Strengths: ERC’s greatest strength comes from its prerequisites for entry. Each student is forced upon move-in to make a blood-pact with the college’s Leader-God Eleanor, swearing to sacrifice their entire beings to the beauty of dance. Weaknesses: ERC students and faculty may become embarrassed and subsequently immobile if you bring up Eleanor Roosevelt’s support for Japanese internment.

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September 30, 2014

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The opening ceremony for this year’s games, which took place yesterday, was riveting and inspirational; it was a truly refined show of sportsmanship and school spirit. That doesn’t mean there weren’t a few bloopers, though! Catch some of the highlights here, because we know watching it once wasn’t enough.

PREVIEW

Opening Ceremony

The opening musical performance of the ceremony was going fantastically until an overly aggressive grab by Justin Timberlake tore the shirt of the chancellor and resulted in a nip slip that will go down in UnOlympics history. Following the musical performance, the stadium was flooded for a synchronized swimming routine set to the university’s fight song. However, the venue was woefully unprepared in terms of logistics and equipment, so the flood was more of a trickle, which merely resulted in a damp stadium. Finally, as per tradition, a freshman spine sacrifice was made to Golgar the Initiator. His acceptance of the offering as satisfactory indicated the beginning of the games and another year of good harvest.

Players to Watch Michael B We can’t help but fall in love with this crooning hunk. We haven’t met him yet, but his repeated claims to “ wanna go home” only make us want him to show off his moves even more! I’m feeling good about Michael’s performance.

Tamara A

Senior bantamweight MMA champion, Tamara has reportedly been banned from other high school sports “for not being able to break out of the boxing mind set” and “maiming people.” Tamara has a right hook like a wrecking ball, but, under it all, a heart of gold, or another, more physically powerful metal, like tungsten or steel.

Sasha f

She may have been the reigning champ of Ms. Junior Oakland for the past 15 years, but don’t let her doe eyes and baby-smooth complexion fool you - she’s a serious contender. She was scouted with a heavy scholarship for Marshall College after they witnessed her demolish a buffet and then ride the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party at Disneyland without barfing.

bILLY c Look at this fucking nerd. You call that running? Hey, go back to Warcraft land! Nailed it.

Charles EDGAR CHEESE Behind the gray fur-covered mask and stench of lukewarm mozzarella lies a master of choreography. Following years of back breaking performances during every children’s party, he is a finely tuned machine ready to hit RIMAC Field and bring home the gold, and we aren’t talking about the coins he produces to play a variety of games at any one of his many establishments.

Michael J Not for any particular sports reason, but because he is considering making a move on his fellow Warren teammate, Erica Wong, who he has not realized is attracted to women. We expect him to do this publicly, and the results to be “comedic” but “hard to watch.”

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September 30, 2014

Study Shows Spoons Taste Better With Jell-O, Clam Chowder

EDITORIAL

The Humans Are Acting Weird Again

BY FELIX

Local Feline

H PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD AND HOWARD WANG

A related study found Jell-O and clam chowder most effective when applied to the bowl of the spoon as opposed to the handle. BY LAWRENCE LEE Graphics Editor

recently published study found that the majority of Americans enjoy the taste of spoons accompanied by Jell-O or clam chowder significantly more than that of plain spoons. The study was headed by University of New England professor Dr. Biggs Cooper, Ph.D., who conceived the idea for the study when he observed a couple at a local buffet savoring their spoons with greater vigor when it came with soup or dessert, both of which were all-youcan-eat. Combined with his prior interest in nutrition and eating habits, Cooper sought to once and for all empirically settle the hotly disputed debate of whether spoons taste better with or without the accompaniment of specific foodstuffs.

“I’ve always been fascinated by this very point of contention,” said Cooper. “Common things like Jell-O and clam chowder are used all the time, but how do they interweave into the dietary dynamic that is the spoon?” Caster Lam, Cooper’s primary research assistant, engineered the study to be as simple as possible without negatively affecting accuracy. Participants were seated in front of a plain, stainless steel spoon from the local supermarket. They then performed a taste test of the spoon by itself, the spoon with Jell-O, and the spoon with a bowl of clam chowder. “There were a lot of factors to consider,” Lam said of the study’s design. “I could have gone with lime, berry blue, or even a bold grape, but sticking with cherry was the best choice.” The results of the study

surprised Cooper and his team, as an overwhelming 90 percent of participants in the study claimed to like spoons with Jell-O or clam chowder significantly more than spoons without. “I would think that a spoon by itself is a distasteful baseline, so adding anything would only make it worse,” said Cooper. “There’s a possibility that microwaving the clam chowder might have warmed the subjects up to the combination — what with its extra appeal — but my team and I are confident enough in our results to release them to the public.” Fanny Knotts was the only subject of the study to react more positively to the spoon when it was not attached to the proffered meal items. “Oh yeah, I remember that study!” Knotts said. “I was in kind of a bad spot then, with the dot-com bubble burst and everything. They paid well for

such a simple study, but the soup had less substance than Joel McHale’s jokes.” As there have been no previous explorations in the subject area, Cooper and his team remain the only group to have successfully published such a study. “This team is pretty familiar with how this kind of research goes,” said Cooper. “As pioneers, we’re always ridiculed until someone else backs us up. And make no mistake — we are pioneers. We were the first to run a study on the ability of cats to operate computer peripherals, and now look how widely the internet has grown to adopt the notion. But our results for this study are strong, and after mulling them around a bit, they actually make a fair amount of sense. “I mean, you wouldn’t eat a fork without rice, would you?”

UCSD Offers $700 to Students Who Agree To Drop Out to Curb Overenrollment

“I don’t even need the $700,” said one student. “When I drop out, I’m gonna ‘Steve Jobs’ this bitch.” BY DYLAN EVERINGHAM Staff Writer

C San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla has recently announced that beginning this fall, students will have the option to leave the school in return for what the chancellor has called a “Healthy Future Jumpstart Credit™,” a check for $700. The progressive enrollment program was met with widespread, positive response and has been heralded as one of the greatest educational innovations in decades. This move by school administrators is largely in response to the over-enrollment of freshmen students in recent years, the effects of which can be most prominently seen with the conversion of single rooms into “mini doubles” and in the stress lines on the faces of waitlisting engineering students. Though the school had previously offered several thousand dollars to students who would drop their on-campus housing con-

tract, Khosla says this program ultimately failed due to poor incentives. “Students are fine with living in campus housing; what they really want is an opportunity to escape the grind of stressful coursework,” Khosla claimed. “And that is an opportunity this administration will happily supply.” Despite the administration’s good intentions, some students have sided with a radical minority group insisting that the true solution to over-enrollment is a reduction in student admissions. In response to these critics, the chancellor reasserted the necessity of preserving future university funding sources. “We get a lot of program funding from donations by wealthy former students of UCSD,” Khosla firmly stated. “And our detractors are asking us to enroll less students, thereby creating less future, former students to donate. So, in essence, they are advocates for the complete destruction of public education everywhere.”

Regardless of those in dissent, students interviewed across campus were overwhelmingly in approval of the new program. One student cited the potential the program offers to teach students about smart investment. “I wouldn’t normally have considered dropping out,” said first-year chemical engineering student Raymond Whaite. “But it’s kinda a nobrainer for two free Xboxes.” Samantha Falkner, a thirdyear undeclared student, praised the student equity that the program promotes. “I’m glad that failing students like me are now probably gonna get a couple hundred bucks each,” she said. “I’d say that makes up for the lack of a degree, job prospects, and all the other shit that everyone else gets.” Representatives from the Office of Student Research also came out in favor of the program, citing a projected improvement in student wellness and campus safety. “We predict a seventeen

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

percent decrease in longboard related injuries on Library Walk alone due to the potential thinning of the crowd. In addition, students will likely no longer have to worry about lines at the dining hall,” said Thomas Brooks, a spokesman for the office. “And it helps kids who will be leaving as well. I mean, I’m no mathematician, but if Top Ramen costs ten cents-ish at Costco then this program will keep those students fed for like six years, at least.” Khosla is confident in the success of the program, but says that in the case of too few participants, backup measures are being considered in order to combat the effects of over-enrollment. “My colleagues have considered shrink ray technology and redefinition of building fire codes among other possible solutions,” the chancellor stated. “But I think that a strategic reduction in teaching quality might just be the trick to increasing dropouts and saving our great university.”

eh heh. Jake and Anna just barged right in, I bet they didn’t even notice me perched on his desk chair. That’s non-feline situational awareness for you — a cat would never do that. Aww look, they’re curled up on the bed washing each other’s faces and necks. How cute. Oh, now Jake’s moved onto licking and scrubbing her breasts. They’re really missing the important parts, like legs and back. A cat would never permit such inattention to detail regarding cleanliness. This is a strange part, I don’t understand why they have to take their fur off for this. Humans take their fur off far too often in my opinion, and then exchange it for new fur? Such excess. Aww they’re nuzzling each other with their noses. Ooh, and a little hair chewing, I approve. Anna has such great long hair to eat, and it makes very pretty swirls in the pud-

dles of vomit one barfs up a few hours later. I guess they’re playfighting now, a lot of rolling around and biting and grunting. She’s really going for the win, I think she’s got him by the you-knowwhats. Oh but wait he’s got a strategic hold too. Are they bathing each other again? I’m confused. They really need to stop grunting and whimpering, they’re starting to sound like stupid dogs. I think this fight is lasting longer than that one I had with Marvin from two doors over last week. It’s getting less violent, but a lot more licking and humping. I’d almost think this was all a mating ritual except this isn’t what the human mating I’ve seen on Jake’s laptop at night looks like. I have to hand it to them for their vocal chords, those yowls were almost as earsplitting as a cat’s. It’s over now, why are they just lying there all sweaty? Wouldn’t now be a more reasonable time to do that bathing thing? At least put your fur back on, have you no pride in your pelt? Pathetic. A cat would stay loyal to its heritage. Ooh, it looks like she’s getting up, I’m going to go take her spot. Wow, I have to compliment her on her marking of territory, that musk is really strong. I guess I have to step over Jake so I don’t infringe. It looks like the sheets are warm and rumpled over here, just the way I like it. Hey! HEY! Don’t kick me out! FINE! I’m going to go pee on your precious laptop, Jake.

TOP TEN

Tourist Sites in San Diego for the Student on a Budget 10. The freeway is the world’s most high-stakes game of Red Rover 9. Swim in the ocean for long enough and a Hawaiian vacation is yours! 8. Take a stroll and host a seance in the lobby of the haunted Hyatt on La Jolla Village Drive 7. Buy some of that weird powder the guy in your Poli Sci class is seling and any place is a new adventure 6. $20 lava lamps at Target are a damn sweet deal 5. A tour through ancient Egypt on Google Earth 4. Take off your glasses. It’s like a whole new world 3. Kirkland Signature Vacation Package 2. Duplosland tickets are much cheaper than LegoLand tickets 1. Oh … what about ... uh, read a book?

That feeling of accomplishment and immediate regret after finishing a plate of nachos

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ISIS and the Westboro Baptist Church Discover Religious Tolerance Together

Disappointed TimeTraveler Heads Home

PHOTO BY LAWRENCE LEE

“Surprisingly, they’re using the exact same inefficient, polluting fuel source as the time period I came from,” said Barlow. BY JACK BEEGAN inanimate entities deemed PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

Technically, the tiki represents the false gods of an idolatrous people, but they’re so tropical and festive, and they really help set the mood. BY RILEY MALLORY Editor-in-Chief

n what some consider a surprising development, reports indicate that over the past few months, members of the religious extremist groups ISIS and the Westboro Baptist Church have formed a mutual understanding in light of their incredibly hateful and extreme views. Each group, which preaches hatred for all other religious groups, has found in one another a group of another religion they can respect and tolerate. The discovery occurred after the Westboro Baptist Church’s “Hatred Without Borders” program sent a delegation of members to picket the death of a moderate local leader in Iraq. At the funeral, while the Church was picketing with hate signs appropriately translated into Arabic, the ISIS group showed up, intending to protest the funeral by massacring everyone there. “We discovered that a lot of what we believe is similar, even if we fall into dif-

ferent arbitrary divisions like ‘Christian’ or ‘Muslim,’” said Church Member Mara Phelps. “Did you know they believe Jesus Christ was a prophet and born of a virgin and they love when IEDs blow up American soldiers too?” The militant ISIS or ISIL organizations have recently had an explosion of influence in parts of the Muslim world. Reportedly, this was more by assault rifle than charm. Their message has been called “as palatable to most Muslims as the claim by the Westboro Baptist Church that God kills soldiers ‘because gays’ is to most Christians.” Meanwhile, the Westboro Baptist Church has expanded their operations overseas after nearly every American group has turned against them. “It turns out that if you protest the funerals of American soldiers and citizen homosexuals, you’ve basically turned all American pagans against you, including biker gangs and the KKK,” said leader Fred Phelps in an interview prior to his death,

announcing the “Hatred Without Borders” program. “We just never realized there are those in the West who understood what we do,” said a representative who wishes to remain nameless but that we have on good authority is named Craig. “And Christians, no less. It’s really brought us to realize God transcends denomination, as long as it’s all coached in profound hatred.” To celebrate their newfound mutual respect, members of ISIS and the Westboro Baptist Church threw a luau in Saudi Arabia — a country which Westboro members described as “on the right track.” At the event, members shared customary food and homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs from each culture. In addition, members took a myriad of pictures that were then posted on each groups’ Facebook pages. ISIS members took images with the Westboro Baptist Church’s “God Hates Fags” sign, while Westboro Baptist Church members took pictures with ISIS assault rifles and hand grenades.

Classifieds

The luau included the sharing of Church and ISIS “swag” including homemade t-shirts and beautiful artisanal scarves to hide their faces from the condemning eyes of history with which our children will view these events. They also, reportedly, had leis and lei-based puns. The luau faced difficulties over the food provided — nearly culminating in violence — until the Westboro Baptist Church members explained that “hamburger” refers only to their place of origin, as opposed to their actual meat content. After this was cleared up, they came together to make bigoted t-shirts with puffy paint and glitter. The incident has also brought together conservative and liberal religious leaders from both Christian and Muslim communities. Many historic rifts that once divided the cultures have been bridged as people realize that even though they may disagree on the finer points of religious doctrine, they all believe these people are “totally fucking crazy.”

THE MQ

For Sale

Personals

Seeking

Services

Bent iPhone 6. Not from pocket, I just wanted to see if the rumors were true. Didn’t read my warranty very closely. Classic Jeremy. It’s like, can you not screw up one thing in your life?

Woman seeking man seeking man: I just totally want a gay best friend, you know? One who I can refuse to respect the personal space of, and I can ask about women’s fashion he doesn’t care about. I’m sure he wants to keep his private life private, but I will press him on it.

Looking for guitarist for our ska punk band Nyquil At Midnight, I really think we’re gonna make it this time. Must be able to play barre chords, must not try to play lead.

Looking for a patsy; things aren’t going great in my life. Looking for someone to date briefly before blaming all my problems on them. Can be man or woman, I’m flexible. In more ways than one! ;) But seriously, this is going to fall apart very quickly.

Selling my unfailing sense of optimism: My philosophy teacher thinks it’s too naive. Partially dissolved human body. Strong smell of hydrofluoric acid. Perfect for Halloween. Call Cody @ 673-047-8026 Blank UC Berkeley diploma. Ready for you to fill out with your name and whatever degree you want! Also available in a printable pdf format. Makes a great gift for roommates! Four-piece set of Tupperware. Pad Thai included, six months old. Potentially not pad Thai. Also, nobody knows whose Tupperware this is. Probably the summer subletter’s. Goddamnit, Henry. Screw your green, noodly shit.

Man seeking dog who’s not overly clingy. Maybe on the small side, not super slobbery, occasionally pretends I don’t exist. Oh, wait. No, wait, that’s a cat. I want a cat. Sorry for the initial confusion.

Aspiring anti-tobacco lobbyist seeks person with one of those throat thingies. Looking for person of color to play Ulysses S Grant in a progressive reenactment of the Civil War.

Looking for competitor who won’t punk out of biathlon in the middle over a single gunshot wound to the spine. Full training provided, room and board included as long as you win. If not, you better hope you have savings.

Man seeking friend with benefits: I need someone who’s willing to be on the downlow about the whole thing. Nobody can know, but I need someone to marry me and pretend to be in love with me for the medical insurance and dental. Cannot have pre-existing condition exclusion. I can kind of cook.

Man seeking living girlfriend, which shouldn’t imply I’m used to dead girlfriends. I don’t know, I phrased this oddly. I’m sorry. Look, I’m pretty okay, overall, I guess. I don’t know. Again, I don’t have dead girlfriends. I’m typing this on a typewriter so I can’t change any of this. Oh God, this is getting long.

Man seeking seeking: Need purpose, don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. I hang out by the phone most of the day so call me with any idea. Riley at 831-206-0223 Seeking MAGIC wardrobe. Must be in ok condition and double as a portal to another world. Must be magical. NO NORMAL WARDROBES PLEASE.

Seeking tactical extraction from active firefight in Iraqi, hellish, surprisingly-WiFi-enabled battlefield. Please hurry, my phone is dying and I’m down to my last mag. Respondents must have green eyes and not ask any questions. Looking for a dance partner who is not a domineering hack, forcing his unoriginal vision on the entire group with the use of emotional extortion and passive aggression. Needs to be able to actually perform fourth position without looking like a brain-dead antelope. Looking for a partner who can actually identify vision and talent, and accept that someone else might, just might have something to contribute to your art. Hoping that a new partner might be willing to treat me as an equal, instead of being lost in their own ego.

Staff Writer

ources have confirmed that time-traveler Louise Barlow is preparing to return to her home year of 1968, citing a mixture of boredom and dread towards the world she found in 2014. “It sounds stupid but we time-travel so we can see cool stuff,” Barlow commented. “So where’s the cool stuff? “Indefinite wars of empire? Lots of drugs? An older generation doing everything in its power to make the world uninhabitable for subsequent generations?” she asked. “We have all of those things in the mid 60’s. Nothing new or exciting to be found, so why bother sticking around?” Barlow traveled to midAugust 2014, her arrival framed by the war of American law enforcement against the AfricanAmerican community, a portent she admits was “tragically familiar” and “an unsettling sign of just how slow progress works in this broken system.” Though some experts are waiting for a second timetraveler to visit before making any official predictions, many have gone off the record to state that they believe Barlow may mark the beginning of a new trend in time-traveler disappointment. Others, however, are of the firm belief that Barlow was simply misguided. “I think that we just didn’t show her the right stuff,” said Kevin Deal, a cultural anthropologist with Look Over Some Electrifying Relics Society (LOSERS), a group devoted to wowing young and old with

exciting by their often out-oftouch general body. “Like apps. Everyone loves apps,” suggested the LOSERS Representative. “We have apps for everything! Dating? Buying a car? Buying a car on a date? Well, that last one is a work in progress. But who knows what the future may hold? It’s not like we have an app for that.” Depite her claims to boredom and “societal deja vu,” witnesses say it took Barlow some time to acclimate to her new place in time. Reports indicate, for example, that Barlow was seen poring over a map worriedly when she first arrived, begging witnesses to tell her the fate of Yugoslavia, which she described as “a plucky little federation” going on to say “she was really pulling for them.” Once the information was divulged and her hopes effectively shattered, witnesses report that what little enthusiasm for this new era Barlow originally possessed evaporated rather quickly. “You have computers that can fit in the palm of your hand, flying death robots and flashlights with plastic vaginas in them,” Barlow noted. “But no federal mandate for equal pay for women. Am I the only one who sees that as even a little screwed up?” “And with all these colossal failings, we don’t even have flying cars,” she added. “I couldn’t be more ashamed of being human. I’m going back to ‘68 and taking enough psychedelics to think I’m a shrub.”

TOP TEN

Reasons To Found UC Hawaii 10. Finally a school-wide game of “The Floor Is Lava” 9. You won’t sound culturally appropriative for greeting people with “Aloha” 8. The mascot is Tito from “Rocket Power” 7. UnOlympics replaced with a Hula danceoff. Everyone’s hips significantly more toned after first year 6. The Pacific Ocean serves as a giant moat, making it even easier for the UC system to systematically exclude undocumented students 5. No need to lie about how close campus is to the beach 4. Obama is from Hawaii, maybe he will give us more money? 3. If we build two more UCs we get one free 2. The continental U.S. is running out of sacred grounds of native people to build schools on 1. UC Regents get to charge everyone out-ofstate tuition

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September 30, 2014

Future Kegstand Champion Swears Frat Culture “Won’t Change Him”

Senior Plagiarizes Assault Apology Letter, Expelled

PHOTO BY KATHERINE WOOD

“Oh God, is this what actual accountability feels like?” Fisk said, after opening the expulsion letter. KYLE TRUJILLO

Other early warning signs included finger painting Greek letters and refusing to finish the word “brother.” BY ANDREW DENERIS Managing Editor

ncoming freshman Arthur Hammond, who, in three years’ time, will claim the highly coveted grand prize in the Delta Nu fraternity’s annual kegstand competition, promised today that though he plans to rush a fraternity this fall, being accepted into one “won’t change him.” Hammond, who will become famous in the university’s Delta Nu chapter as a sophomore for his ability to drink eight shots of vodka without so much as getting dizzy, insisted that joining a fraternity did not necessarily mean that he would become what he called a “party animal,” even though the reputation would be fitting for the kid who jumped from the trampoline and got stuck on the roof at his cousin’s 6th

birthday party. “I’ve decided to major in electrical engineering, so I’ll need to devote a lot of time to studying anyway,” said Hammond, who the very next year would change his major to psychology to give himself “more time to PARTAY! Oh … and because the human brain is, um, fascinating, right.” “And you can forget about drugs. I was valedictorian in high school; I can’t afford to compromise my mind,” said Hammond, who would eventually graduate with a 2.1 GPA after having been on academic probation twice. Still, Hammond had a history of abusing mood-altering substances, specifically sugar, starting in the third grade when he discovered where his parents hid the candy. When asked to comment on Arthur’s aspirations to

join a fraternity, his father, Michael, was skeptical of his ability to fit in. “I’m not sure that he’s really the fraternity type,” Mr. Hammond said. “I mean, little Artie’s such a kind, tolerant person; he went to all kinds of feminist rallies and pride parades in high school. Nothing like the people in those fraternities,” he added, blissfully unaware that he would later be called in the middle of the night to bail his “little Artie” out of jail for spray-painting “Boobs r awesum, fags suk” on Geisel Library in a drunken haze. However, this should not have been entirely surprising, given Hammond’s fondness of drawing poop piles with markers on the living room wall as a child. “Yeah, plus Artie could never take part in any of those awful hazing rituals

PHOTO BY TREVOR MALONE

they do,” said his mother Susan, who had apparently forgotten that Arthur jumped off the tall slide on the playground to get into the “Boys’ Club” in the fourth grade. Susan Hammond would never know what would cause her son to undergo a threeday hospital stay at the end of the quarter after arriving with severe alcohol poisoning and a paddle-shaped mark on his buttocks. “Of course, we support Arthur fully regardless of what he decides,” Mr. Hammond said. “And if he does end up rushing a frat, all we ask is that he stay our good little Artie,” a description of his son that defied all the timeouts young Arthur received for unruly behavior. At press time, Hammond was installing the laptop that he would urinate into in exactly 51 days’ time, mistaking it for a toilet.

New Research Suggests It May Take More Muscles to Smile than to Frown

Design Editor ntil recently, Charles “Chad” Fisk was a popular senior and a waterpolo player at Brufts University in Commerce, Calif. Fisk’s plans for graduation and a career in marketing were first delayed in April when he was accused by Erica Liu, his exgirlfriend, of sexual assault. Fisk claims the stress of the case caused his academic and social life to suffer. Fisk had one semester between him and graduation when Liu’s case against him was settled and he was required to write an apology letter of at least two pages and read it to his accuser in person. However, when he turned the document in for editing, the Office for the Prevention of Harassment and Discrimination (OPHD) found that several paragraphs had been copied word-for-word from the university’s sexual harassment policy, along with quotes from the recent Spider-Man movie. Brufts’ administrators also had little sympathy for Fisk. “Chad really let himself down this time,” commented Richard Bellende, the counselor in charge Fisk’s case. “If he had turned it in early, as I recommended, we could have gone over it together and prevented this sad mistake of his. I gave him every opportunity to get himself back on the right track, but this is unforgivable.” For his violation of academic integrity, Fisk has had to give up his various athletic achievements, his housing on campus, and even his library card. In addition, a permanent record of his crime will be attached to his academic record wherever he goes. Though his expulsion has isolated him from his friends and former classmates, Fisk has plans to become something of an advocate for students. “The only way I see forward

is to try to educate students about what plagiarism really means. If I do seminars and workshops on proper citation, even if almost no one attends them, at least I’ll have begun to pay for what I did,” Fisk explained. “For example, most students don’t know that citation is legally supposed to be consistent, sober, informed, honest, and enthusiastic. I learned the hard way.” Fisk is not alone in his desire to educate his former classmates. Some of his friends have even started a petition for the university to create a course on plagiarism law and citation etiquette that would be mandatory for all students at least once a year. Though Pete Richards, Brufts’ Provost, is open to the idea, he is concerned that such a course requirement would allow students to deny responsibility for their own actions and to blame the university for any crime. “Of course, we’d like to give out second chances, but do they deserve it? The statistics show that once a student commits plagiarism, there’s a 90 percent chance they’ll do it again if they get away with it,” explained Richards. “This is symptomatic of a larger plagiarism-culture in today’s universities, and youth in general. “I’ll be the first to admit that the decision to expel anyone goes against our university’s unstated policy to ignore and sweep anything negative about our students under the rug, but Brufts has certain academic standards to uphold. Plagiarism is unacceptable, and that’s our bottom line,” Richards added. Our interview was cut short by an unnamed administrator who explained that academic integrity investigations such as this one were meant to be handled internally, even after they are completed. University officials were unavailable for further comment.

TOP TEN

PHOTO BY COLE STEFFENSEN

“I’d give her bigger boobs, too, but I think the police are coming,” the painter explained as he ran out the door. BY BARAK TZORI

Content Editor new study on the relationship between emotions and physiology created a stir in the scientific community last month when students at the University of Maryland, Baltimore published their findings that, contrary to popular belief, smiling is a more muscle-intensive expression than frowning. These findings fly in the face of years of common knowledge and a host of trite truisms said by uninteresting people. This conclusion has been met with much controversy in the field of muscular frownology. There are those who deny the findings, arguing that one cannot just change mass opinion with a single study. There are even those who point to the research’s lack of citations and state that “saying ‘I looked at his face and counted’ is not a valid scientific approach.” The public, however, has taken notice of the study and has already begun to

implement a change in office, classroom, and hospital ward cultures. Earlier this month, when news broke, Daydream Education, the company that manufactures and supplies over half of all middle and high school educational posters nationwide, issued a 300,000 poster recall of all posters that say the phrase “Smiling is easier than frowning, try it out!” or any variation thereof. Bill Lennie, spokesperson for Daydream Education, offered his comments on the news and the recall. “If this study is true, if it really takes more muscles to smile, if turning that frown upside down turns out to be harder than we thought, then I think everybody might be in big trouble. I mean, how will we address the hard times to come? How will we, as a society, rise above tragedy and heartbreak? What are we going to put on our posters?” Biweekly morale polls of hundreds of companies nationwide taken by Pew Re-

search showed a minor decrease in office morale. Alex Amouyel, a human resources manager at a company she preferred to keep secret attested to the Pew poll. “On Mondays you expect frowns; it’s the start of a new week. But my number one way to combat frowning was by telling them that they could contract fewer muscles if they smiled. Now that’s no longer factually correct, and I swore to my husband this job wouldn’t make a liar of me. No more.” In recent weeks, companies such as Hallmark and American Greetings have seen a dramatic decline in both sales and share prices. “No one is buying any more of our smiling cards,” Robert Hall, Hallmark Cards executive board member, explained. “Our store aisles are empty. Our children are going hungry, and there’s only so long children can live off of boiled paper before some serious nutritional deficiencies set in.”

“May God help us,” said Hall. “I haven’t been smiling since that day.” Perhaps where this new research affects the greatest change is in public sentiment towards Oprah’s OWN network. Hundreds of housewives and househusbands have sieged Oprah’s mansions in outrage against the years she spent preaching “positive thinking” and “the Secret.” Her cars were overturned and burned, and her pets turned against her emotionally. She has given no comment on the matter. However, reports indicate her phone line may have been cut. It seems as if the only corporation celebrating the scientific news is Grumpy Cat and Grumpy Cat Entertainment, Inc., who have seen profits jump to all-time highs in recent weeks. “I think Grumpy Cat is a mascot for this new era we live in,” said behavioral psychologist Elan Mumps. “We’re not going to pretend anymore.”

Signs You Need To Call Animal Control Right Now 10. Your dog was eaten by a piranha, and then a shark, and then a whale 9. That billboard on I-5 that said, “Call animal control now” 8. That really looks infected 7. Your dog is racist and the cops won’t help 6. Your girlfriend left and now there’s no one to kill that spider 5. That bird hasn’t stopped slamming itself into your window for two days 4. Your cat’s being a dick and it’s time Whiskers learned his lesson 3. The fire department has caught on to the fact that you just call them for attention 2. WebMD says a human arm can last about eight hours in an alligator’s stomach, and it’s been five already 1. You owe the penguin cartel money

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Cop Uses Sealed Evidence To Get High While on Duty

Campus dining can be tricky. Is there a way to find the best food without relying on trial and puke? The answer is yes, with Yelp-UCSD. From the website that brings you consistently reliable information on everything from cute cafes to “special” massage parlors comes coverage of your only options for sustenance on campus. Check out some reviews users have already submitted.

Canyon Vista by Andy Glenn 09/15/14 I was intrigued by the architecture during a walk with my dogs through the UCSD campus, and finally decided to take my family out to an afternoon lunch. I cannot even describe my disappointment. I can’t even speak to the food because the service was so terrible. When we first walked in, we stood in the foyer for fifteen minutes. No one — not a hostess, nor a waitress, nor a bus boy — ever showed up to see us to our table. Finally, with our kids crying from waiting, we just got frustrated and sat down at an empty table. I’m really not into the paper napkin thing, but I could forgive that if there was anything else going on. Really? No silverware at the table? No menus? No one ever brought us water or came and saw us once! Meanwhile, everyone around us was showing up with food! I don’t know how we can be so overlooked, a whole adult family there amongst college students!

“You’re under arrest for terrorism, because this is the bombest dope I’ve ever tried,” said Officer Grace. BY JULIA MECHALI

Staff Writer

he San Diego Police Department was the center of a new scandal this September when it was found that several tons of drugs recovered as evidence in various cases had gone missing. After three pounds of marijuana was recovered from the apartment of the Assistant Chief of Police, who was getting high daily on the job, the department initiated a bureau-wide search in order to recover the remaining drugs. Surveillance tapes and records showed that Kenneth Giraso, one of the San Diego Police Department’s Assistant Chiefs, had stolen all the drugs from the evidence locker and was using it to get inebriated while on duty. Giraso will be

going to trial at the California Court of Justice in Sacramento in the next few weeks and may face up to 5000 hours of community service in the main pot farms of Southern California. The Police Department responded to this situation in a release to the press stating that, “Officer Kenneth Giraso is tarnishing the reputation of the San Diego Police Department. We do not understand why he was getting high during work when he could just be lighting up at home like the rest of the men on the force.” This scandal has led other police departments to enforce stronger security requirements, leading to the arrest of 147 officers and five police dogs nationwide over charges of wrongful drug use. In order to ensure these

kinds of scandals do not break out again in the near future, the SDPD is establishing a municipal borrowing system for the sealed evidence lockers. Now, any officer with an “SDPD Evidence Library Card” can borrow up to two cases worth of drugs from the police force at a time. The drugs are due back three weeks after they were checked out, and a late fee of 25 cents is tacked on for every day they are held late. The program, known as “Hollow Books Filled with Drugs for Officers,” is making quite an impression. Most of the popular evidence is nearly always checked out. “There are already three holds on the Bryce Charpentier case evidence!” said Deputy Chief Sherry Winkler. “We never tried to stop po-

PHOTO BY TREV MALONE

lice officers from getting high,” said the San Diego Chief of Police Joshua Benegas. “The war on drugs is too big and far reaching for it to make sense to target these small-time users. All we are trying to do is make sure the cops smoke weed and crack and cocaine in a safer environment with more protection.” When asked whether this program was improving the culture inside the police force, the commissioner replied that, “I think so. Police officers are coming into the department with smiles on their faces and twinkles in their eyes. This borrowing system is terrific, the only thing is we seem to be getting back many sacks of flour in cases where bags of cocaine were borrowed. It’s unexplainable.”

DO YOU BE-RIEF IN MAGIC? KEVIN, THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU, YOU’VE GOT TO RUN This newspaper is the only way we could contact you without them knowing. You have to believe me; we spent so much time and lost so many lives to get this message to you. Stand up and walk casually, but continue reading. Act as normally as possible; they don’t know that you’re onto them yet. Don’t look up for a few steps. The girl who just passed you on the left, she’s one of them. They might look like us, they might talk like us, and they may feel like us, but Kevin, they are not like us. Take a right, now! Good, now stop in the shadow, and stay quiet. I know you’re scared, Kevin, but you’ve got to breathe more quietly. If we lose you, we lose everything. You’re our last hope — you’ve got to make it out of here. I want you to walk down to the end of the hall, turn right, and run! RUN, Kevin! Don’t stop. Not to read this, not because you see some “person” you know, don’t stop until you can’t run another step! You made it. Listen, they’re coming for me. I can hear them coming up the stairs now. But it’s ok — I know that you’ve made it. I know that there’s still hope out there. We’ll find you soon Kevin, and we’ll explain it all. If you are not Kevin and are reading this, please disregard all previous advice. Kevin, good lu—

BRUCE JENNER TO RELEASE SELFIE BOOK, SPIRIT HALLOWEEN TO DISTRIBUTE

JUDAISM CELEBRATES BIRTHDAY, SHOWS 5775 IS THE NEW 4350

1976 Summer Olympic gold medalist and stepfather to the famous Kardashian sisters Bruce Jenner released the title and cover image for his new selfie book in a Tuesday press release. The book, titled “Self-ness,” has a cover featuring the famous Hollywood stepdad and is reported to be “a new side to the least noticed Kardashian,” says publicists. The book is an interesting move following the announcement of his stepdaughter Kim Kardashian’s own 352-page book of her pictures, “Selfish.” While Kim Kardashian claims that her book is intended as a gift for her husband and rap sensation Kanye West, Jenner cites the reason for his book as “a gift to my plastic surgeon for the years of hard work.” Representatives for Jenner commented that the book is to be distributed by Spirit Halloween in lieu of the traditional publisher. Spirit Halloween is reported to, in a move never attempted by a publisher before, have actually paid Bruce Jenner to release his work exclusively between early September and the beginning of November. Representatives for the seasonal retailer commented that this move “is something that we believe will make this the scariest and most profitable Halloween ever.”

With the observance of Rosh Hashanah, the celebration of the Jewish New Year, occurring last week, Judaism turned 5775 years old, and it’s just got to be said, Judaism is really demonstrating how 5775 can be the new 4350. It looks as though it must’ve done something with its hair, or maybe Judaism worked out a little bit, but it looked absolutely stunning when it was spotted at the beach yesterday. Can anyone think of a religion who looked as good as Judaism does at that age? When asked about how Judaism manages to keep in such great shape while balancing two child religions it remarked, “Oh, the kids are great. Christianity is growing up to be a fine religion and Islam has had a few rebellious streaks, but I see it as a very stable religion in the future. Other than that it’s all about finding time to lift a few Torah scrolls and run a few laps around the congregation hall when you can.” Judaism declined to comment on the question of what it uses to keep itself looking so replenished and radiant all the time, but it is rumored to be a light cream of uninhibited optimism in the face of oppression and matzah ball mix.

NFL ANNOUNCES POORLY TIMED GREATEST HITS ALBUM In a press conference last week, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced the release of an album of songs performed by various members of the league. Scheduled for release later this year, the album, entitled “NFL Smash Hits for Domestic Violence,” includes rap performances from star players like Ray Rice, Michael Vick, Josh Gordon, and Peyton Manning. Planning of the album began several years ago as a follow up venture to players wearing pink to raise breast cancer awareness. The wildly successful anti-cancer campaign increased revenues from jersey sales, increased reluctant female demographics in NFL viewership, and made players really support “that thing about boobies.” The proposed release of the album clashes with the current controversy surrounding domestic violence by NFL players and the poorly received punishments dictated by NFL executives. Nonetheless, contractual obligations have forced the NFL to release the album exactly as titled and donate all profits to various charities for domestic violence remediation, awareness, and therapy. Success of the album will dictate whether or not the league releases a follow-up album to raise awareness for homicide co-produced by the band The Killers.

The Cheap Healthy Eats (CHE) Cafe by Esperanza Salazar 09/08/2014 This colorful and rustic eatery on the corner of Scholar’s Drive and Gilman certainly lives up to its name! For only $5 (they have a student discount!), I got a great two-course meal. The main dish was an interesting meat substitute called “Carne Assata Shakur” with a strong garnish called “Fidel Pesto.” I also loved the “mashed potatriarchy” served with hot, savory “Guevaravy.” For another dollar, I tried the dessert: rich “NeopolitaNO!” ice cream served with a sugary “Rigoberta Menchurro.” The spread was 100% vegan and cruelty-free, and the reverb from the live music kept my glass of “Dolores Huerchata” mixing itself. I would definitely recommend! Maybe bring earplugs?

Cell Engineering Research Center (CERC) by Rat_M_514 09/26/2014 As much as I hate to bad-mouth an old favorite, the CERC has disappointed me recently. As I have developed sentience and the ability to type, I have also acquired a far more complex array of taste buds and the waitstaff has so far failed to address my new appetite for gourmet food, feeding me almost exclusively bland pellets made of plant protein. It’s not like they don’t have better food either. I particularly enjoyed the live, less-evolved rat they left on my food bowl, but that delightful, squeaky treat hasn’t been on the menu for weeks now. They never offer rubber-wrapped finger burritos anymore either, which were juicy and flavorful once you get past the chewy part. After two months here, I have to give a mediocre review and leave the lab through the vents in search of a place with more responsive service. It’ll be a tight fit. At least I’m leaving full!

Plaza Cafe by Jason Rodriguez 09/22/2014 I walked in here one day on a whim. Let me tell you it was pretty hard to get inside. Apparently it is under partial renovation? The options for food were very limited, but I did meet this nice foreman named Bruce! He informed me that I should visit one of the other dining halls for more options to eat, but also showed me how to apply drywall! Needless to say it was so fun that I am now working on his construction team! I haven’t eaten yet, but the fact I can now apply insulation is much more valuable!

TOP TEN

Ways to Fight the Drought 10. Do nothing. You’re just one person. What could you really do, anyway? 9. Live within a Spanish Magical Realism novella. Witness your sister marry your true love. Weep rivers of tears 8. Stop leaving your Slip-N-Slide on overnight 7. Freeze all the fluids that come out of your body and save them 6. Demelon a watermelon 5. Make a really long drinking straw that goes to Colorado, then put all their water in our reservoirs 4. Don’t let kids sing “Rain Rain Go Away” 3. Shower with your ex to make twominute showers feel like an eternity of awkwardness 2. Just switch to milk instead of water — there isn’t a cow drought! 1. Fill up buckets of water at home and donate to your local reservoir

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theMQ.org

September 30, 2014

ON UCSD’S FAILING STUDENT INVOLVEMENT E S O P EX AN

COLLEGE CLUBS CRISIS (CCC)

(not to be confused with CCC, the Cross-Cultural Center, which is located somewhere on campus)

Perhaps the most telling sign of a school’s social health is student involvement in clubs or student orgs. After rifling through top secret school files that we totally stole by jumping through the open office window late at night dressed in all black, we made some unsettling discoveries. Over the past year alone, hundreds of clubs have met their deaths due to a lack of student interest. Below we pay tribute to some of the fallen soldiers with their catalogue text.

IT’S BEEN LONG RUMORED that be-

Campus Fashion Police

hind the smiling posters and cheery sentiments publicized by administration lies a sickly and putrid husk of what used to be social involvement at UCSD. Few, however, have ever dared to delve beneath the surface, to shove their arm into the festering orifice of political smoke and mirrors and wiggle their fingers around until they’ve clamped down onto the slippery small intestine of truth. The MQ did. Follow us on this harrowing journey to uncover the truth about declining social involvement at UCSD.

“So does the rohypnol come included with the salmon shorts, or do you have to buy it separately?”

Put your hands in the air and tell me where you got that adorb top! Oh my gosh, I saw someone just yesterday with the same exact shirt but with you know those pants that are just — ugh — and on her they were just ew, you know? I wrote her up. If you have fashion emergency stories or outstanding fashion tickets you’d like to share, come to our org. We totes want you. You know, as long as you come in something cute.

Lip Sync A Capella Group

A.S. Council

Were you the best music-mouther at your high school? Were you at the top of popularity during your senior year only to find yourself lost in the crowd of college, all because no one would recognize your inhuman ability to lip sync with the best of them? Then join UCSD’s first Lip Sync A Capella group!*

Build communities. Foster lasting relationships with students and faculty. Be a voice for what you think the public thinks but is actually a narrow and simplistic view of reality. Brag about how you were in leadership during high school. A.S. Council is recruiting and “We Want You!” Looking for “diverse” people.

*We accept mute people, unlike those prejudiced assholes at every other a capella group.

A GREEK TRAGEDY Our top professional chart makers have more sensational evidence of the ominous problems amongst UCSD students. Usually a hub of student involvement and bonding through shared values of exclusion and groupthink, UCSD Greek Life has been on the decline as more and more students sacrifice chapter dues for textbooks and other solitary expenditures (like the lame-ass yuppies they are). The following charts exhibit some of the effects of declining membership:

Like newborn giraffes wandering through the savanna, this endangered species is becoming ever more elusive.

The declining number of visits to local hospitals for alcohol poisoning is presumed to be directly correlated with the declining number of yearly pledges.

This year’s Greek-wide fundraising efforts have taken a significant hit since the raging success “Tank Tops for Typhoon Victims.”

THE RA REACTION

Driving the final nail into the coffin that encloses UCSD’s student involvement is the testaments received from the campus RAs, perhaps the only individuals with direct access to the pulse of student life. The MQ spoke to two RAs with two very different opinions on the state of student involvement. The stories they have to tell are disturbing, to say the least. Dominique Amaya | Muir HA | Tenaya Hall

Justin Fernandez | Revelle RA | Argo Hall

I mean, of course I want the students to be involved, but it’s just not the reality of the situation anymore. Just last night, I put together this cute little Disney-themed movie night, and guess what? No one showed up. Come on, guys! Seriously, what’s a better way to make friends than through forced interaction at a mandatory event? Don’t you all want free food? We’ve got Costco ice cream, soda, and I even baked brownies. And I promise, you’ve never tasted Little Caesars’ pizza like this before! And you know why? It’s because you never fucking come. I see you! I see you walking down the hall to your rooms! Probably to go sit in the showers and smoke cannabis. Yes, I know. My room is right next to your bathroom. You really thought I wouldn’t notice? I was actually using these house events to see if you were cool enough so that we could smoke together. But you didn’t come, so I guess I’ll just have to write you up, confiscate your cannabis, and smoke it myself while I eat all of the pizza and ice cream. Assholes.

I think students are about as involved as they need to be. Some RAs get kinda bent out of shape about students not coming to house events or whatever, but I think the attendance at my events is totally satisfactory. No one shows up, and that’s the way it should stay. Let’s be honest here. I’m not an RA for the experience or for the opportunity to be a role model or whatever. I’m in it for the free living, the abundance of free Triton Cash and Dining Dollars, and the sweet free couch (which pulls out into a bed, by the way. How rad is that?) So to all my students, take a look at the activities sheet. Sheet being purposely singular because I only posted one and it’s incredibly hard to find. If you did manage to find it, have you noticed how all the events suck? Do you think I’m stupid? Well you shouldn’t, because it’s all strategy. Because if you don’t come, the only thing I have to plan is how I’m going to fit all of this free food inside of me in one sitting while I watch Netflix with a lady on my awesome couch-bed.