The MQ Volume 22 Issue 2

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

October 28, 2015 November 9, 2015

“Some people say, ‘Never let them see you cry.’ I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.”

— Rep. John Boehner (R-OH)

Situational advocate of deforestation since 1996.

Developer of “Melted Ice” Releases New Product Line: “Condensed Steam”

By Chris Lee

A

Elon Musk sets sights on mars

2

Christmas season refugees seek asylum in october

4 6,7

Napolitano almost rich enough to afford uc men found to be more manly than ever

9 10

News in Brief Chrome Bug Releases Incognito History To Your Parents; “I Can Explain” PHOTO By trev malone

“And for just $15 extra, you can upgrade to the Condensed Steam package that will take the shape of any container it’s put in!” Pepperson said. flavor right out of Vitaminwater and slapped my own, witty product name onto the bottle, and should be shot for that.

I’ve had my fair share of consumer vigilantism in my past days,” he laughed.

“But I want to let these people know that Condensed Steam, patent pending, will bring about a change in their point of view. A-qua-rantee you that.”

However, Pepperson be-

came provoked when confronted with possible competition.

See CONDENSED, page 2

KKK Adjusts to Social Climate with New Progressive Corporate Policies

By Michael Ye Staff Writer

T

he KKK released their plan to incorporate new progressive policies last week, in an attempt to recruit new liberal members, and gain support in their effort to raise awareness of the marginalized white, racist demographic.

One such liberal policy stems from the recent suicides and scandals involving underpaid laborers in China.

In response to this, the KKK of America has decided to cancel plans to expand its operations in “the Orient.”

The KKK announced that it will keep jobs in American families, marking a decidedly radical change in company policy that has existed since the early 1960’s.

“There will be no overpaid foreign workers stealing the industries of hard-working Americans,” one spokesperson for the KKK stated. “We decided to save money by keeping the operation inhouse. We are asking every suburban trophy wife to step up and apply for jobs traditionally reserved for lucky foreign children. Yes, Klan dues are bound to increase steadily over the following weeks to accommodate for the higher wages, but this is a necessary adjustment for our modern ways of thinking. There are plenty of good, honest, white American women who can sew a brilliant hoodie.”

The KKK has also decided to undergo a new branding

In This issue

El Niño survival guide

Staff Writer

rising star in the refreshment industry, Pepperson, Co., recently announced the much anticipated release of Condensed Steam (patent pending). Pryce Pepperson, CEO of Pepperson, Co., claimed that Condensed Steam (patent pending), will bring about a “refreshing change” to the market and surpass their last product, Melted Ice™, in sales.

When asked about how he came about the idea, Pepperson responded, “I don’t know. I feel like people need a lot more energy in their lives, you know? Like you can’t just be dry about every matter that comes about and you can’t be chafing about how you should approach certain matters. Be fluid. See how I’m moving my hands as if it was an ocean wave? Yeah. Be like that.”

Described by his colleagues as “successful, yet not arrogant; humble, yet not a pushover,” Pepperson mentions that he does notice possible criticisms.

“I get it. Many of these people think that I just took the

Volume XXII Issue II

Last weekend, Chrome’s most recent bug, “Bedbugiezz,” sent extensive incognito web-history lists to parents. Flabbergasted and unable to form words, like always, pre-teens across the nation were forced to have the “talk” with their parents. Talking about their past experiences, many kids across the states had eternally uncomfortable conversations that lasted minutes.

Middle schooler Victor Coors had a few sentences to say about what he experienced. “One day after school, my dad approached me with a list of websites, and when he

began his story with the phrase ‘when I was your age,’ I immediately knew what was coming.”

As Coors recalls, “first I cut him off mid-conversation, turned red, ran around in a circle a few times, and then sang Nelly’s ‘Just a Dream’ with my eyes closed.” He continued, “But when I finished I saw my dad still there.”

Coors’ father then proceeded to tell Coors that he shouldn’t waste time watching dog videos because “dogs aren’t nearly as cute as cats.”

When asked for comments, Mr. Coors said, “I can explain.”

UCSD Football Player Dies of Head Trauma

PHOTO By jen windsor

Pictured: The KKK’s progressive board drafting a new plan for how to achieve their three values of inclusion, unity, and racism. process beginning with the hire of new management. New CFO Ben White, who had been inside the multicultural center at his college once, has a halfblack “friend” in Kansas, and who is also 1/32 Scandinavian, is expected to bring his multicultural expertise.

“I think it’s important to demonstrate that the KKK is not an organization that is unwilling to adapt to progress. We want to offer our support for the underprivileged, socially stigmatized, and the brainwashed. Our campaign aims to guide affluent hipsters, suburban housewives, and fans of the band Coldplay back towards

the correct path,” White said.

This is part of a larger effort by the KKK to advocate equality among all people. The new slogan “Racist Lives Matter” will be introduced later this month to, according to White, “address the hatred ordinary people have for the blatantly racist minority.”

Additionally, the KKK has introduced a new line of products on their online store.

Their new hood design can be purchased in a plethora of new colors with the words “We Are All White Inside” emblazoned across the back. In consideration of the “Free the Nipple Movement,” the KKK will also offer an additional

invisible-T option, though public display of such attire is still strongly discouraged.

Meanwhile, fans of the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins, which the Klan describes as “popular native organizations in their own right,” will be able to order customized Klan jerseys in their team colors. The KKK hopes that these changes will help millions of people better understand marginalized minorities within the United States.

In other news, multicultural groups across the country are rejecting the Klan’s request for their members to be included in new “affirmative action” policies.

Merkel still haunted by shadows of her country’s past

Genetically modified cuties much harder to peel

Netanyahu enough of an asshole to point it out

Reportedly contain much more meat

In a sad turn of events, Peyton F. Bawl, UCSD’s star quarterback player has succumbed to his injuries and died.

Bawl was UCSD’s hero in its time of need, leading the football team to an undefeated 16-0 streak this past season, taking the team straight to the top of the NCAAFLCSO standings. Bawl reportedly had endured repeated head trauma throughout the season from being slammed into the boards over and over, and without treatment it developed into a life threatening disease. It wasn’t until the World College Super Championship game when Bawl was actually diagnosed with the rare head

condition, Firstitis Downulosis, or as it’s more commonly known, Larry Bird’s Disease, a head condition which disables all function of the eyes, ears, and toes.

Bawl was loved by many, from his family to his friends to his dedicated fans who credit him with the revitalization of UCSD sports. Bawl managed to break 17 college football records in his time at UCSD, including most home runs scored in a game with 18 home runs, as well as the greatest number of yards bowled in a season.

Bawl died last Monday in writhing pain surrounded by weeping alumni, and was buried with his beloved racket last Thursday.

New Study Finds Nothing Really, Like, Matters, Dude A new study from the Institute of the Pacific found that like, when you think about it dude, none of this shit matters. The study was conducted over a 12-week period, measuring the lives of several test subjects in the United States. The study found that, regardless of their income, profession, or marital status, all of the subjects would eventually “just be, like, goddamn dead one day, and like, there’s no point.”

These results agree with earlier conclusions reached

by Boston University, who

in 2010 claimed that soulmates aren’t real, and even if you die surrounded by family and loved ones, you die alone.

The study also concluded that most people on Earth are “total jackoffs” and “just punch the fucking clock day in, and day out, just to buy shit [you] don’t even need, man.” When reached for question, representatives of the Institute said, “We’re all just working for the corporations.”

See BRIEFS, page 11

theMQ.org

Page 2

November 9, 2015

Elon Musk Plans Underwater Mars Colony

continued from page 1:

Condensed

“I understand that some can’t make money from their own terrible ideas, and that some people are desperate enough to make money by ripping off innovations – that’s just how the market works and I can maybe let things slide. But Arrowhead?

Seriously? Who names their product Arrowhead? And the taste! Ugh. Put an arrowhead through my head if I ever drink anymore of that shit, Jesus! If you’re going to keep flooding the market with cheap shit, everyone is going to go down the drain!”

When asked about experiences with the product Melted IceTM, the public responded: “When I accidentally spilled my bottle of Melted IceTM on my skin, it became lively, and smooth! No more white flakes or rough, scaly skin! Now I apply Melted IceTM every day before I leave to work to show off my healthy glow! A lotion that you can drink, too? Thanks, Pepperson!” described Wendy Kingsburg, licensed dermatologist.

Sandra, a proud single mother exclaimed, “Now, when

I feel sad and lonely about my husband leaving me, I don’t have to drink wine to apply a quick fix to my crippling depression! I can always turn to Melted IceTM to be a cute, little buddy who won’t leave for some cheap whore he found at the back of a Marshall’s! 10/10 recommend!”

Meanwhile, when asked about the release of Condensed Steam (patent pending), Tim, pro-Apple Inc. activist claimed, “With the emergence of Melted IceTM, and the announcement of Condensed Steam (patent pending), I am assured that the future of the refreshment industry will flourish under the guidance and innovation of Pepperson, Co. From the simple, breath-taking name to the excellent, top-of-theline product quality, Melted IceTM was, and is, a holy grail of the failing market that is the refreshment industry.”

Near the end of the interview, Pepperson expressed a new idea to subjugate the men’s fragrance department, with a product called “H2Ohhh Yeahh Baby.”

PHOTO By jEN wINDSOR

The last words the diver said before taking off his helmet and passing away were reportedly, “Where there’s water, there’s air, right? This should be fi-.”

By Connor Gorry

S

Staff Writer

paceX CEO Elon Musk recently released an ambitious plan to colonize Mars, finding a way to make his lifelong fetish of living on the Red Planet a reality.

Having accomplished everything from the founding of the online transaction service PayPal to making solar power and electrical automobiles mainstream, Musk stated that he is “ready for a new challenge.”

For years, Musk’s private astro-engineering venture SpaceX has been testing rockets, shuttles, and possible live-in solutions for Earth’s next-door neighbor in the decades to come. However, with NASA’s recent revelation that there are traces of flowing water on the Red Planet,

Musk’s initial projections for colonizing the planet have been vastly accelerated.

“It’s really a fantastic discovery,” the modern-day Renaissance man explained excitedly. “It just solves so many of the problems that my team and I were facing!”

He went on to explain that among such issues that might arise are the lack of breathable oxygen, a lack of usable resources, such as water, and the constantly looming threat of finding an alienated Matt Damon life form.

As of last month’s momentous discovery, at least one of those problems has been remedied.

“With the discovery of water on Mars, we at SpaceX think we’ve solved the issue of how to create a livable, breathable habitat for potential Mars

pioneers,” Musk explains, “We’ll just build underwater!”

“We’ve been planning this for years,” the hopeful CEO went on to explain, “We actually already have an underwater testing facility at Cape Canaveral… It’s really cutting-edge stuff!” Musk and company have actually been playing with this idea for years, on the off-chance that NASA actually did discover water on Mars.

“It was definitely a gamble,” Musk admitted sheepishly. “But, as a result, I think that we’ve been pushed years ahead of where we would be otherwise… in terms of [interplanetary] colonization.”

As to who might have funded SpaceX’s secret underwater facility, the CEO refused to comment. However, financial analysts have been specu-

lating about the involvement of innovators and philanthropists such as Warren Buffett and Bill Gates. Meanwhile, online movie forums are betting based on the sub-marine aspect that director James Cameron is somehow involved.

However, Musk was quick to clarify that we’re still lightyears away, so to speak, from actually being able to live on Mars.

“There’s a lot of math to do,” he explains. “A bunch of issues to figure out. It’ll take endless amounts of hard work and patience by some very talented individuals before we have any real picture of where we want this to go, or of how we want to get there.”

SpaceX is currently targeting a Spring 2017 launch for its first Mars colonization shuttle.

Not sure how to read a whole paper? Follow these clues to see what page number to go to next.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Editor-in-Chief........................Andrew Deneris Managing Editor........................Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor............................Barak Tzori Content Editor...................Hannah Rosenblatt Design Editor..................Romelle Canonizado Graphics Editor.........................Lawrence Lee Graphics Editor............................Jen Windsor Copy Editor.................................Evvan Burke

Publicity Editor.......................Katherine Wood Distribution Captain.................Brandon Ehlert Distribution Captain......................Uma Mahto Business Editor......................Cole Steffensen MQ Mom.....................................Riley Mallory MQ Fun Uncle.............................Trev Malone Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne

Staff Members Chelsea Andretta Alon Ankonina Maxwell Bland Corina Cadiz Sarah Cain Ankush Challa Garrett Chan Daniel Clinton Matt Cusolito Halle Davis Summer Davis Dylan Everingham Bruce Fan Amin Fozi

Incompetent Illuminati confirmed.

Tuesdays, at 6 p.m. in Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of The MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by The MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2015 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of The MQ. As you’re looking through this issue, do you notice anything unusual? Well since I have no way of hearing your answer, I’ll just tell you: Look at how many articles were written by names that have never appeared in this paper before, and at how absolutely massive our staff box is now. I was completely unprepared for the sheer amount of people that filled Half Dome week after week, submitted more articles than we’ve ever received in one issue, and helped out with so many other parts of making the issue you hold today. I especially want to thank Connor for cranking out graphics at a rate not seen since the days of Sora Chee, Hannah L. for hanging out with us most of the weekend despite having ungodly amounts of ASL homework, and Chris, Cole G., and Daniel for being excellent, consistent content room contributors. That’s not to say that our returning staff members weren’t amazing as well. Hannah R. did a fantastic job dealing with the mountain of articles we received, and Barak was tireless as a substitute for her during her getaway to Ensenada. Romelle continued to set the standard for design prowess under pressure. Evvan stayed on top of things even while working on his line of meme-themed floral prints. And Lawrence more than made up for his scarcity this quarter with both his time and absolutely infuriating humor.

The people I’ve named here clearly weren’t the only ones who did a great job this production, but as you can see, I’m running out of room here, so thanks for reading and

Abraham Galvan Connor Gorry Leo Grabowski Cole Greenbaun Joia Herbert Dylan Higelmire Chris Jin Arya Kaul Lauren Kirkbride Galen Krulce Chris Lee Ben Levin Hannah Lykins Parker Mace

Ryan Maher PJ Marrymee Natalie McLain Matthew McMahon Jake Miller Andre Olson Matt Olson Elizabeth O’Neil Emily Payne Quinn Pieper Rohan Rangray Kendra Quinlan Sarah Schlossberg Hailey Schneider

Nicoletta Skaggs Ingrid Sorensen Boris Stepanyuk Matt Switzer Ann Tong Luke Tribble Irene Tsao Jaz Twersky Howard Wang Kaylee Wang Sarah Wernher Maddie Wilson Michael Ye

Booster Club Thanks to Ann and her lovely daughter Allison for bringing delicious pastries.

Thanks to Barak for bringing soda, and Andrew for replenishing said soda.

Thanks to Matt for bringing a delicious homemade pie whose crumbs now coat Glacier Point. Thanks to Chelsea for bringing Goldfish we ate way too many of, and Kat for bringing oatmeal because she was “probably capable of eating it at night,” as well as pita chips. Thanks to Hannah for bringing DIY lollipops and other excellent treats from Mexico. And thanks to Jacob for swiping for people at John’s even though he also had to work there.

theMQ.org

November 9, 2015

Page 3

UCSD Requires Integrity Tutorial, Pre-Med Students More Cutthroat Than Ever

EDITORIAL

At Least My Dead Son Didn’t Have Autism

By Patricia Scott

Brave Mother am a mom who cares about her kids. A lot. That’s why when my currently dead child’s doctor told me that my now-dead son would have to undergo a series of possibly toxic and invasive injections, and in the process radically increase his chances of contracting autism, I said no.

This fall, millions of kids will be returning to school, and for many that means mandatory vaccinations. Vaccination has been a hot-button topic for lots of people, and has deeply affected the way I’ve raise(d) my children, including the one whose tiny, cold body is now lying in the Cemetery of the Holy Sepulcher.

You see, being a responsible mom like me means being constantly vigilant of threats to your child’s wellbeing. Even if some of those threats aren’t accepted or even acknowledged by the medical community, the people who have reduced child mortality rates by over 90 percent in the last hundred years. The biggest threat to my kids’ (at least the one that’s still alive) safety? Vaccine-linked childhood autism.

I have two sons, or at least I had two sons before one of them stopped being alive.

Jaylen, 10, and Brayden, dead, are the loves of my lives, and I would do anything to protect them. Because of my strong anti-vaccination stance, we’ve stood firm on refusing to inject our kids with any-

I

PHOTO By Evvan Burke

The copy machine arrest came after a month-long investigation that ended when Lieutenant Jameson finally had the brilliant idea to “follow the paper trail.”

By Kestrel Cotti

Staff Writer ncoming UCSD freshmen and transfers were surprised in October when they received an email requiring that they complete an “academic integrity tutorial.” Upon opening the email, pre-med students across campus rejoiced at another weapon they could use to eliminate competition.

After immediately taking the test themselves, these pre-meds began calculating ways to take advantage of the new development. Some began to sabotage their peers’ computers, making them unable to complete the tutorial and thus precluding their enrollment in Winter quarter courses. Some began to collect other students’ essays in hopes of finding grounds for plagiarism. And some even pushed for a worthy punishment for academic infringement — being slowly crushed to death

I

under the combined weight of medical textbooks and parental expectations.

One such Triton even targeted clueless international students, convincing them that it is, in fact, not necessary to cite their sources. Orlando Leung, one of her victims, said, “I believed her because she seemed so cute and innocent, like a chubby penguin. Little did I know, under that innocuous façade was a ruthless pre-med. I should’ve known she was trouble when she walked in.”

Bryson Tanner, a wellknown and not very wellliked overachiever trying to get into both the School of Medicine and School of Engineering, demonstrated the plagiarism detection program that he was coding.

“This program searches for every essay that a UCSD student has ever published,” he said proudly. “Once found, the program cross-checks the

essays against one another for similarities, including the words ‘and’ and ‘the.’ If even one iota of plagiarism is detected, the student will promptly be reported to the academic integrity office, a phone call will be made home to their mother, and all their illegitimate records will be submitted to the IRS.” The integrity tutorial has been reported to put the entire UCSD community on edge and on guard. First floor Geisel turned quieter than eighth floor Geisel when one student asked for help.

No one wished to be implicated for helping out a fellow Triton. Sources say that this student, who wished to remain anonymous, had asked his neighbors how to spell the word ‘paranoia.’

Justin Tse shares one close call that he had with the academic powers that be. “Luckily, they decided that my case was not egre-

gious enough to warrant any action,” he said. Tse had been cited for plagiarizing himself by turning in a final draft that was identical to his rough draft.

Ernestine Dee, however, was not so lucky. Upon further inspection of his notecards, he could not distinguish between the numbers six and eight on his page numbers.

Instead of going back and verifying his sources, Dee decided to turn in his paper with potential 2-page inaccuracies in his bibliography. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he asked. Dee was later found to have been expelled from the university.

No doubt these pre-meds will eventually graduate from medical school summa cum laude, and form a highly distinguished medical community that extols the values of independence and cutthroat competition that is sure to fix the healthcare system.

Local Instagram Users Capture Never-Before-Seen Sunset

By Sarah Wernher

Staff Writer group of Instagrammers managed to photograph what they described as “a sunset like no one had ever seen in the transition between WebMD’s list of cancer symptoms and Donald Trump memes on Tumblr” last week.

The dedicated amateur photographers had just set out on their daily expedition to “connect with nature” on the beach when the sunset occurred. One of them happened to look up from his smartphone just as it was happening, and alerted the others, who were also staring at their smartphones, of the remarkable spectacle.

In an attempt to preserve the sunset’s ephemeral beauty for their many followers, the group immediately began snapping pictures of it with their phone cameras.

“It really was life-changing visual experience,” said the one who had spotted the sunset initially. “We just knew we had to capture it on camera.”

Another of the photographers gushed, “It was, like, the prettiest sunset I had ever seen. There were so many colors!” A third interjected, “Moments like these really make you appreciate the raw beauty of the outdoors.”

After approximately 30 seconds and 20 shots of the horizon at different angles, the group turned back to their phones and launched into a heated discussion

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thing other than love, care, and in the case of Brayden, a mixture of formaldehyde and other preservative substances into his corpse.

When I first started taking Brayden, my son who is now among the silent ranks of the deceased, to the doctor, I knew we’d be in for a rough ride.

Right from the start, Dr. Chen started using scary words and intimidation tactics to inject my then-alive child with all kinds of chemicals to “protect” him from “preventable” “diseases.” He told me all about the dangers of not vaccinating my child, but never even brought up the other side. You’d think a medical professional would’ve known better, since even a quick web search of “vaccines cause autism” returns hundreds of poorly-sourced articles that reaffirm what I had already decided to be true.

Soon, Brayden began to show some strange symptoms. There were red, itchy spots all over his body, he came down with a heavy fever, and began coughing nonstop. Those symptoms didn’t match the symptoms of autism I looked for online, and more closely resembled measles. I called my doctor right away, to be sure that he hadn’t secretly injected my son with one of those dangerous vaccines. He said no, and that we should begin treatment right away. I had already had enough of his unhelpful advice, so I kept Brayden at home, and took care of him in his final hours the way any good mother would.

As they lowered my son’s coffin into the ground, I remember looking around the cemetery and crying. I wondered how many poor, innocent children had died because of preventable illnesses like autism. If my son Braydenwasn’t a tiny cadaver in a grave today, I’m sure he’d thank me for protecting him from such a terrible fate.

TOP Ten

Things You Didn’t Expect To See at Black’s Beach 10. Good, wholesome family fun 9. Oscar-winner Tom Hanks on a raft with a volleyball 8. My goddamn tax money 7. Apparently birthmarks are back in style 6. All four members of Metallica ominously playing “Sandman” 5. Blood. So much blood 4. A historical reenactment of the Battle of the Bulge performed non-ironically 3. A naturalized Syrian refugee 2. Singles over 50 speed dating 1. Scrotums. That one’s on you

PHOTO By Connor Gorry

“Wow, the beauty of this sunset is so good, it’s almost cinematic,” pro-Instagrammer Shelby said. “But I wish it would go away already so I could finish my movie.” about whether or not the Valencia filter was better than the Hefe for enhancing the bright orange hues of the sunset without making it “look all photoshopped.”

The real challenge, however, lay not in finding the sunset but sharing it on Instagram. Each group member was faced with the reportedly “grueling” process of editing the photos they had taken, coming up with appropriate hashtags, and, perhaps most crucially, garnering as many likes as possible.

One of the more experienced Instagrammers provided a glimpse into the care and

hard work behind every post by confiding, “I really want the Instagram community to get a feel for the authenticity of this moment, so of course I need to be very selective about choosing hashtags. I was thinking something like ‘#soblessed, #socal, #liveauthentic, #inspire, #believe, and #lovethejourney.”

After pausing briefly to post a selfie to her Snapchat story, she continued, “I think ‘#lovethejourney’ is a great hashtag for this picture because it really reminds you to unplug yourself from all your technology and just take a moment to enjoy your sur-

roundings. I mean, if my friend hadn’t looked up from his phone, he wouldn’t have noticed that one sunset scene in ‘Gone With the Wind’ we were watching on his laptop, and we would have totally missed it!”

As for what lies on the creative horizon for the photographers, followers can look forward to some stunning close-ups of the human eye, portraits of attractive hipsters wrapped in large wool blankets on the beach, and cozy autumnal images of flat white espresso drinks resting atop copies of “The Fault In Our Stars” against rain-spattered windows.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

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theMQ.org

November 9, 2015

Toupee Manufacturer Severs Ties with GOP Candidate Donald Trump

Freshman Attempts Fresh Start, Grows Shitty Beard

By Ryan Maher

T

Staff Writer

oupee manufacturer Faux Follicles for Falluses, Inc. formally rescinded its support for prospective GOP candidate Donald Trump in a press conference Friday. Though the company initially backed Trump with monetary support and merchandise, F.F.F. Inc. stated that it will no longer be providing either, despite the candidate’s “F.F.F. Frequent Customer” status, a record spanning over twenty years.

The announcement was made following months of the presidential hopeful making unprecedented gains in the polls. The real estate mogul, known for his dramatic flair, trademarked the phrase, “Make America Great Again” and has applied said trademark to political merchandise including lawn signs, tshirts and, of particular ire to F.F.F., hats.

F.F.F. Executive President Deandra Jackson explained, “We here at Faux Follicles for Falluses consider the actions of Mr. Trump to be not only foolish, but dangerous. By promoting headgear that hides our product and prevents it from achieving maximum lusciousness, we cannot in good conscience sustain our support.”

In fact, the candidate’s success prompted the company’s decision to cease donations, according to the company.

“Whether being purchased ironically or out of actual support, Trump's hats have become more popular than his

PHOTO By Jen Windsor

The magnified picture was taken from a 100x electron microscope, and has been framed in the Human Growth and Development department’s break room as “The Saddest Picture We’ve Ever Taken.”

By Cole Greenbaun Staff Writer

F PHOTO By Chelsea Andretta

A woman who reportedly touched the hat later confirmed that it was “100-percent real.” hair, and he’s doing nothing to correct that,” stated FFF Founder Andrew Pindleton, his voice catching. “His actions are dramatically cutting into what could have been a fantastic, however facetious, profit margin for us if people were to buy our toupees in mockery.

This is not only a betrayal from one of America’s supposed ‘small business supporters’, but from a faithful patron, nay we say, a friend.”

F.F.F. Inc.’s statement continued by criticizing Trump’s promotional campaign.

“The use of a printed slogan on a piece of clothing has been done to death in countless elections,” Jackson

said. “Whereas our premium toupees would make a far more impactful statement.

After all, what better way to promote the worry-inducing insinuation that America’s best days are behind it than by attempting to conceal one’s age with a hairpiece that has the consistency of a bleached ferret corpse?”

Jackson went on to clarify that although American audiences may feel concern about America’s near future, “their hopes will certainly rise as they notice, ‘My, how luxurious that corpse is!’”

Despite the company’s remarks, toupee sales have skyrocketed since Trump an-

nounced his candidacy back in June. Demand for the most popular color choice, Overzealous Champagne, has consistently outpaced supply in markets across the U.S. However, profits have seen their largest increase south of the border in Mexico, where lines to access hair product stores can often extend for a block or more.

Trump has yet to make an official statement directly addressing Faux Follicles for Falluses’ move, but tweeted Saturday: “Ferret corpse? Hardly.

If I wore a toupee – IF I wore one – I would sooner wear bald eagle down. What’s more American?”

Neighboring Holidays Grow Nervous as Christmas Continues to Expand

By Christopher Jin

Staff Writer he holidays of October and November have grown increasingly more concerned as Christmas has begun expanding into late November, the latest development in Christmas’ unrelenting campaign to “bring the calendar under the rule of Santa Claus.” As the forces of Christmas near the border of the major November holiday of Thanksgiving, holidays all over the calendar have called for a coalition effort to contain the Christmas threat.

Christmas began its rise late last year, starting with an unabated advance into the territory of New Year’s Day and evolving into near-total control of the month of December. The aggressive seizure of major retail shelf space in December has created a flood of December refugees seeking asylum in October and November holidays, creating a humanitarian crisis as many of these holidays lack the means to integrate the refugees into their own shelf space.

Thanksgiving, one of the holidays closest to the warzone, has attempted to accommodate the refugees in camps in the border region of NightBefore-Black-Friday, where overcrowding and long lines have become major problems.

The leader of the Thanksgiving Organizing Council, Corun Copia, echoed his holiday’s rising frustration, saying, “We are doing everything we can to give the December-ians what they need, but there is only so much of the Thanksgiving turkey to go around. At this point, our holiday is stuffed to its limit.

The other holidays must do their part to carry some of the extra weight.”

The October holidays, one of the other major destinations

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reshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached this decision after heavily contemplating the issue over the summer.

“Yeah I just figured new city, new school, new me, ya know?”

Puckett stated. “Once it grows in, people will really see how cool and chill I am. Also how much I resemble Shia LaBeouf, who is, like, the most laid-back dude out there.”

Puckett reportedly hasn’t shaved since his orientation when he saw “the most stylin’ bearded dude ever” walking around campus, who, according to Puckett’s orientation leader, was local rabbi Chaim Rosenberg.

Puckett’s friends reported they “do not appreciate” the change and have stopped associating with him since it started to grow in.

“In my opinion that beard is the worst thing to happen to facial hair since Martin Van Buren,” said Puckett’s friend Jessica Sterling. “But at least that guy was president. The only accomplishment John will get with this beard is winning a vomit-soaked-carpetlookalike contest.”

Mark Norris, Puckett’s roommate, questioned how Puckett thought this was a good idea in any way.

“His face sickens me.” said Norris, “I don’t even know how he looks at himself every

day without gagging. I make sure to leave at 5 am and return at 9 pm every day so I don’t have to see him in any type of natural light. It’s horrifying in those shitty fluorescents too — his beard looks so washed out and shadowy — but at least it’s not that high definition you get from the midday sun.”

The beard is not the only attempt Puckett has made to appear “cool” since arriving on campus. Puckett has also reportedly posted Snapchat stories of various alcoholic drinks with the caption “#college,” defriended all his high school friends on Facebook, and has bought three t-shirts that say “#legalizeit”.

“Yeah, he even bought a longboard and tried to ride it to class with no experience.”

Norris said, “He ate shit on Library W alk and was ticketed. Highlight of my week.”

However, despite all claims from friends and passersby, Puckett truly believes he is pulling it off.

“People really seem to dig the new me,” Puckett claims, “I mean yeah, no one will sit near me in lecture or talk to me in any other setting, but I think I really nailed that laidback, mysterious look.”

When asked to comment on the situation, the beard just screamed, “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN, OK?!” and began to weep uncontrollably. Later that week, the beard drunkenly tried to end the pain and shave itself off, but only managed to turn itself into an even worse goatee.

TOP fifteen

Similarities between Your Iced Coffee and Your Nagging Mother

PHOTO By Connor Gorry

The elves weren’t happy about these events, but still thought it was better than living in a “desolate place ruled by a harsh man.” of the refugees, have had their own problems dealing with the tide of immigrants. The holiday of Halloween has been a particular target of criticism for their response to the influx, characterized by attempting to deter refugees from coming to Halloween by citing a “food shortage.” Jack Orbán Lantern, leader of Halloween, summarized his holiday’s position by saying, “Please do not come here. We do not have anything to give you. Please move on and knock on someone else’s door.”

The fellow October holiday of Oktoberfest has been noted for its marked contrast in its response to the crisis, with Oktoberfest president Sara Krautt inviting December-ians to “come and have a jolly time.”

The celebrants of Oktoberfest, however, have been divided on how to receive the Decem-

ber refugees, with many concerned that the refugees will ruin the spirit of the holiday.

Many of the beleaguered October and November holidays have awaited the response of the Fourth of July, a July holiday that has yet to feel the effects of the crisis in December.

While the Fourth of July has provided support for the December resistance by blasting Bruce Springsteen songs in Christmas-controlled territory, it has made few dents in Christmas’ momentum as Christmas carols drown out the Fourth of July’s attempts to control the airwaves. The Fourth of July has also been criticized for their indirect role in providing Christmas with advanced fireworks, which the Fourth of July had originally provided to allied New Year’s forces.

The newly-elected President of Fourth of July, Donald Card, asserted his holiday’s intent to stay their current course of action at the recent United Holidays conference.

However, when confronted with the allegation that the Fourth of July was responsible for the state of affairs in December, Card reportedly responded with a furious tirade that was mostly unintelligible to the conference’s interpreters, who were only able to translate numerous asides to “Labor Day and Chinese New Year making out in the back room to the sound of Tchaikovsky.”

Vladimir Takeout, the leader of Labor Day, could not be reached for comment as he, along with the leader of Chinese New Year, were mysteriously absent after the conference.

15. You always feel the need to poop 15 minutes afterwards 14. Part of Dad’s morning ritual 13. Cause of a screaming match with the Anaheim Starbucks barista 12. Freud’s failed business predicted everyone wanted them 11. Sometimes get your name wrong 10. Somehow get both more bland and bitter over time 9. All the other ones are hot 8. There was probably some point in your life you couldn’t survive without them 7. Pair well with whiskey 6. After a while they just leave a bad taste in your mouth and a head ache 5. 80 percent water and 20 percent caffeine 4. Represent an increase in suburban gentrification 3. Doesn’t dissolve sugar well 2. Complicit in proliferation of wage slavery in third world countries 1. Won’t do anything to change lack of internal motivation

November 9, 2015

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Page 5

Freshman’s First Bus Ride Leads To Self Realization as Navigator, Woman

Holiday-Themed Nativity Scenes

Don’t wait until December to get into the Christmas spirit!

Those Nativity scenes can be a real pain to set up and then put back in the box a mere two months later. Instead of constantly having to disassemble and reassemble a wholly unique and expressive piece of art, simply utilize these holiday-themed add-ons. They’re guaranteed to make the sculpted symbol of your moderate religious tendencies and efforts towards home decorations seem relevant year round!

Halloween

Turley reportedly felt just like Columbus, discovering something millions have already found.

By Jenny Wong

sustenance. After briefly considering hiring an Uber, she felt compelled to use the bus reshman chemical engisticker on her student card neering major Heather Turley sees herself as a re- upon discovery of the student newed, independent adult of transportation fee included in her tuition. Turley estimates the post-Nixon era after catching the 201 bus from campus it would take 420 rides worth in bus fare to meet the sum to La Jolla Village Square for suggested by UC Regents. Turthe first time last Tuesday.

A girl who once depended ley, who had never dreamed on her mother to order pizza of taking the bus, reportedly over the phone now envisions spent hours researching bus a future where she lives with timetables preparing for this the utmost “self-sufficiency, moment.

Marina Chau, Turley’s liberated from [her] parents’ dominion, perhaps even off­ roommate who admits she has yet to delve into public the ­grid.”

“I didn’t think I could do it transportation herself, recalls at first,” tells Turley of her pil- Turley’s apprehension about how to actually board the bus grimage to Trader Joe’s. “I was transported, in every sense of and notes how Turley rationed her remaining Fiber One bars the word.” and bottled waters to last her When Turley’s stock of Costco-sized snack foods be- through the week in case of gan to dwindle at the end of unexpected public transportation delays. week one, she knew she would “Heather had an oil lanhave to find another source of

F

Staff Writer

tern on all night and kept shuffling around the room with all these weird science instruments she ordered online. There were charts and maps duct taped on every wall and she begged me to help her calibrate her barometer at one point. I don’t even know what that is.”

Turley attributes her success to Google Maps GPS tracking, the mobile application she used to trace the bus live location. If it were not for the “red dot” telling her she had arrived at her stop, she claimed, “I would have not dared to step off the bus.”

After grocery shopping for 20 minutes, Turley noticed that she had already completed her shopping despite having cleared her whole week for this. Fearing another panic episode, she furiously created a pros and cons Venn diagram on the back of her receipt. Tur-

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

ley, who is a hobbyist actuary, took the chance and got back on the 201 bus.

“According to my calculations, there is a higher risk of dying in the Ralph’s parking lot via vehicular manslaughter than there is if I get back on the 201 and say, accidentally ended up in Tijuana,” she concluded.

Turley mentions she had never felt more inspired than when she got off at Gilman and Myers that day and hauled her collapsible wheelbarrow of shopping bags to her dorm room in ERC. San Diego MTS spokesman claimed that “MTS is honored and hopeful that they can instill newfound confidences in more women, just like Turley.”

Armed with a glowing zeal for public transportation and the compass app on her smartphone, Turley says her next destination is the UTC mall.

The many morphisms of Mary and Joseph are revealed in this scene, providing a perfect way to add the touch of humanity your haunted house needs.

Easter

This Easter-themed scene sends an important message for us to always remember our roots.

Can you help Baby Jesus prove his worthiness to the Three Wise Men by finding all of the Easter eggs they’ve hidden?

Super Bowl Sunday

Student Helps to Fight Drought, Continues to Not Shower

By Jen Windsor

L

Graphics Editor

ocal hero Brian Mulligan announced on Facebook last Wednesday that he is giving up his personal hygiene in order to combat the severe drought in California. Mulligan, a first-year in Marshall College, is the first student recorded to have gone to such great lengths in the ever-worsening drought. Classmates of Mulligan have revealed that he has been committed to this act of personal sacrifice “since the beginning of the quarter, at least, and God, is it apparent.”

UCSD Environmental Science professor John Reed said, “I mean, the actual impact of this kid’s ‘efforts’ on the drought will be next to nothing. The problem really isn’t that people take showers.”

But this sentiment was countered by Mulligan’s mother, who declared, “My boy is setting a good example for all the other kids, who should really think about the impact their showers are having on California’s farmers and those hunky naked mud wrestlers. Congress did this, but we can all fight it.”

Many students in Mulligan’s classes venerate his decision, and his CHEM 6A classmates have given him a special spot in lecture with no spots taken in a one-seat radius around him as a symbol of reverence. This is an especially high honor, considering students are sitting in aisles up to the top of the lecture hall even when all seats aren’t filled.

PHOTO By Jen Windsor

Good grief.

Other students in Mulligan’s classes think his stance is brave, and laud his actions as “okay, I guess” and “innovative, in a really weird kind of way.” One exception seems to be Esther Shin, the girl who was assigned to sit next to him in MATH 20B discussion.

Some student organizations have spoken up in support of Mulligan, like Minimalists of UCSD, whose Vice President, Kevin Hu, said, “I wish I’d thought of it first.

This is a fantastic way to declutter the bathroom.” Minimalists of UCSD proposed incorporating in their beige sackcloth shirts to create a new, austere morning care routine. The Student Water Co-Op also asserted their backing of any attempt to challenge the UC’s monopoly on “our precious fluids.”

Mulligan admitted that

he’s been hardly showering for years, “truly a teenager ahead of his time.” Henry Mulligan, Brian’s father, said that when Brian hit puberty the smell was “awful,” but now Mr. Mulligan realizes it was all for a good cause.

“You know, it was hard. He had all these ideas that seemed so strange. Not showering, not using deodorant because of the chemicals, just leaving Mittens to rot in the backyard after she died. But I think I’m starting to get it. And we’ve never had such nice tulips.”

The office of the Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs has released a statement that they are looking into designing next year’s “Be a Turn-Off” stickers that have appeared in campus dorm showers, encouraging students to take shorter showers and save water, after Mulligan and his crusade.

Mulligan himself says that not showering also gives him more time. Mulligan has been using the five or 10 minutes a day that he would be spending in the shower to not do his homework, in protest of student debt, and consuming copious amounts of alcohol in support of setting the legal drinking age equal to the draft age.

In an interview, Mulligan said that now he is looking to stop washing his hands, clothes, and dishes because that will help the drought even further. He also says he will look into alternatives to drinking water — such as Red Bull, beer, or protein shakes — to further cut down his water consumption. Mulligan’s roommate commented that the whole thing was “gross,” a term for heroic in his native language.

As time continues forwards, so must we. This scene brings the story of Mary and Joseph’s struggle into present-day America. The modernization allows people to really identify with Joseph as his favorite team fumbled yet again on the 10-yard line.

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

Page 6

Survival

November 9, 2015

theMQ.org

Kit

2015 El Niño e d i u G l a v i Surv

Be sure to arm yourself appropriately with these essential tools. This kit will guarantee that you come out ahead in the post-Niño world order.

Stylish, practical flip-flops, because that’s what everyone wears when it rains

What to Expect: A Three Month Weather Forecast Perfect for if you need to nail yourself down so that you’re not swept away in the flood

Proper weather preparedness relies on staying informed. Familiarize yourself with this timeline outlining significant events for the El Niño season. However, it is also important to check the news daily, as variations in weather patterns and predictions occur frequently. Think of these more like rough guidelines. Preparing for them might not help you, but it definitely won’t hurt you either.

Brought to you by NOAA

Nov. 28th: Predicted tsunami to break out on moon Be sure to include a backup reserve of air in case of extreme flooding. Ziploc bags work perfectly for long-term, water-tight storage

Nov. 4th: A five to 99 percent chance of slight storms and a 20 to 85 percent chance of tornados

The perfect weapon in case of a post-apocalyptic competition for survival. Can be used to safely cut jugulars or pop adversaries’ rafts

Nov. 15th: Expect it to be slightly more humid than usual. Your loaf of bread is at risk of becoming moldy earlier than expected.

Plan to take slices of roast beef and cheese for lunch

Dec. 11th: Cloudy with a chance of meatballs

Jan. 1st: S of locu

Dec. 3rd: Water discovered on moon

Dec. 28th: Predicted date the San Andreas earthqua *Disclaimer: This occurrence not related to or caused by Niño phenomenon, and is sim a coincidental event. San And phenomena could also occur time in the next 20 years, thi just a prediction

In an ever-increasingly globalized world made ever more so by extreme flooding, it’s important to arm yourself with the new universal language of the post-Niño age

A conservative congressman is just what you need to comfort you in times of distress by reassuring you that despite the evidence around you, climate change is still a lie

I tried to get a follow-up shot after the couple fell into the watery depths, but the girl kept hogging the spacious plank of wood they found, and didn’t let her partner get on.

Multiple people have confirmed th this little boy is in fact El Niño. suspect he is somehow the source the weather patterns, but I’ve yet figure out how he’s involved.

That really sick-looking rock you found in your front yard to remind you the importance of appreciating the little things

A feral tiger who will slowly befriend you so when you reach land again you can publish a book on your adventures and gain a new steady source of income

If only I could face this immense, catastrophic natural disaster with the calm and grace of my Res Dean.

theMQ.org

November 9, 2015

As marked by the ever-shifting wind, slowly darkening clouds, and strange behaviors of various feral animals, El Niño is well upon us. However, with this comprehensive guide, you can be sure to stay safe and well-prepared for the coming weatherinduced hellscape. Be sure to stay ahead of this fickle winter season, and don’t let that warm, fishy smelling gust of wind followed by a hail storm take you by surprise.

Page 7

Ask

An Advice Column For Patricia the Weather Savvy Read some of the specific and reassuring feedback our weather specialist has provided for some common questions. This advice sounds just confident enough to be real, and will provide you with the illusion of security you need.

Q: My car hasn’t been starting. When I open the door my feet get really wet. When I step into the car the seats are soggy and squishy. And then, after I get a start from my friend, my hands end up all pruney after a 15 minute drive. I need to roll down the window just to get some air and my AC is just blowing bubbles. What’s wrong with my car?

Getting-Nowhere-Dampley

Jan. 14th: El Niño disaster movie release date, produced by the makers of “2012.” Two percent of profits from ticket sales go to NOAA, so be sure to show your support!

Feb. 17th: Water levels predicted to reach 17 ft rise, three ft below levels predicted in Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” exposing global warming as a hoax after years of controversy

Suspected plague usts to begin

hat I e of t to

Q: What are your thoughts on the gendered nature of El Niño?

Putting-One-of-the-Qs-in-LGBTQQIAP

Feb. 6th: High-pressure clouds accumulate over 9th grader Jonathan. He seemed sad and El Niño thinks the cloud-above-the-head-trick will finally get Cynthia from homeroom to notice him

e for ake. e is El mply dreas any is is

A: After years of drought, it’s hard to imagine that California would experience a change in weather again.

However, in the aftermath of El Niño, our experts believe that your car may have been affected by the phenomenon known as “rain.” We recommend checking that your sunroof is closed and your windows are rolled up. However, if you’re not willing to accept the daunting task of taking these precautions, we suggest bringing it into an auto shop. Let’s face it, cars are confusing; it’s always best to get a second opinion.

Q: Will I still be able to take my kid tide-pooling on the weekend of the 17th? I already took work off that Friday and I really don’t want to let Teddy down again. It’s bad enough he lives with his mother five days out of the week and I missed his birthday last month. Please make the weather better. I fear this is my last chance.

Fair-Weather-Dad

Jan. 2nd: Suspected plague of dead locus after severe population decrease caused by flooding of natural habitat

El Niño Sightings

A: Personally I wouldn’t have brought up gender at all.

Feminists like Daniel Craig and Ben Stiller have taught us that gender shouldn’t and doesn’t matter anymore.

That said, if you’re behind on the times, I’ll remind you not to treat one storm any different than another; whether they be strong, stormy El Niño’s or drizzly, drafty La Niña’s. Just like how one should evacuate just as quickly for a cataclysmic Hurricane Phillipe as a bossy Hurricane Martha, don’t let gender roles influence how you perceive water falling from the sky, no matter how aggressive or slutty it looks.

Help us track El Niño from your very own backyard! Here are some recent El Niño sightings sent into us from readers. Weather tracking is key to staying safe, so be on the lookout for other opportunities for Instagram pictures to send in.

A: This is a very common question we get quite often.

I personally have been witness to two child-parent relationships and four marriages ruined by a surprise weather occurrence. And let me tell you, it is absolutely crucial that you make things right with this Teddy.

Hydroplane your way to your ex-wife’s house if need be. Too many a time have kids grown up without fathers who blamed it on the rain. Have you ever seen a young adult for whom the very idea of water from the sky brings back traumatic memories of a half-lived childhood? Did you know over 60 percent of children whose parents leave during rain storms are likely to grow up to commit violent crimes against weathermen? Save a life, go tide-pooling with Teddy.

Q: With the changing weather, should I keep up my chiseled summer body or am I already too late to pursue a hot winter body?

Likes-Pina-Coladas-and-Burpees-in-the-Rain A: El Niño is a turbulent time for us all and there is a fine line between keeping that hot summer body and totally giving up because you look like a younger, hotter version of your grandparent in their old sweater. I recommend intense dieting and binge eating depending on the weather. If you see those clouds, shove those nachos down that sexy little gullet of yours. If those clouds part to expose a bright sun, drop to the floor and give me 25 burpees. How else will you get a six pack before the clouds in the distance come back again?

Q: I think my husband is cheating on me with the weather lady. What should I do?

Checking-the-Whorecast BEFORE

El Niño really looks like it’s taking its toll on California infrastructure. These southern Californian drivers are definitely not prepared to drive at freeway speeds in such wet conditions.

AFTER

A: Leave him alone Patty, he’s mine. Furthermore, I predict a 78 percent chance that Gerald and I will be very happy together. I will be the sunlight of his life. Your drizzly, miserable personality has ruined your marriage.

He needs to leave your stormy relationship!

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theMQ.org

November 9, 2015

UCSD Student Fails COGS 107A, Sex Edby the numbers Turing Test All right everyone, it’s that time of the year again. The time when a young man’s fancy turns to hormones. Your parents might have told you about the birds and the bees, but now it’s time to get serious. Here are some cold hard facts about how your disgusting bodies are going to start feeling, and how you should best internalize and ignore those feelings.

Wells was mistaken for a promotional cardboard cutout until a store employee tried to move him.

By Jacob Aguirre Managing Editor

A

study conducted by the Cognitive Science Student Association in adjunct with Associated Students as part of their grade distribution collection has determined that third-year UC San Diego student Oliver Wells is the first known human on record to have failed the Turing test. The test — devised by Alan Turing as a way of detecting whether his “chatroom honeys” were real men or just very ripped bots — was conducted on Wells following his failure in the 107A class for the second time in as many years.

The CSSA was surprised to learn that, in the case of Wells, the computer was ca-

pable of more intelligent, coherent conversation than Wells, who was only capable of regurgitating information he had learned in his neuroanatomy class.

“The rhombencephalon develops from the most caudal vesicle of the brain during embryonic development,” Wells managed to answer when asked how his day had been, a standard question during the artificial intelligence test. “Up until this point, cells in brain are mostly unspecialized stem cells.”

Lead researcher Janet Rachels is worried for what this means for human abilities going forward, but most importantly how human deficits in the ability to learn may pave the way for computer domination in STEM

fields, a where the U.S. is already lagging.

“I’ve had to rework an existing term within the artificial intelligence community, ‘machine learning,’ or how computers are able to learn from patterns,” Rachels said of her confusing use of the same term to mean different things inside her paper on Wells. “When in reference to humans, ‘machine learning’ means literally to ‘learn like a machine,’ that is to just take in information from a library, in this case ‘lectures in COGS 107A,’ and output that same information.

“Without the ability to manipulate this information and use it in new ways, Wells is no better than a poorly written Java program.”

“My day has been a little

PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

long because I had to get out of bed early in order to make it to my 8 a.m. class,” said Dark Sid — the artificial intelligence with who Wells was tested against and whom has been accused of being attuned to some standard Turing tests — when asked for their thoughts on the Wells debacle.

“How about yours? I know you said you had that test to conduct later today.”

Professor Jaime Pineda declined to comment on why he failed a student who knew the material word for word, but was heard muttering while reading over Wells’ final exam that “[he] already knew everything Wells was saying because [he] put it on the damn slides.

“And I don’t need to be reminded that I spelled it ‘brian.’”

George R.R. Martin Allegedly Killed Off by Own Characters

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1

TOP Ten

Issues of the 2064 Election

In comparison to some of the lesser-known fanfiction, Martin would have preferred this anyway.

By PJ Marymee

G

Staff Writer

eorge R. R. Martin, considered by some to be the most prolific serial killer in history, was found dead in his home last Sunday with a pigeon pie rammed down his throat. While the literary world mourned Martin’s death, the fictional world rejoiced over the death of what many consider the worst tyrant since Saddam Hussein.

Analysts claim important characters no longer live in fear of being killed off “for shock value.” While this is reassuring for some, others have taken advantage of this opportunity and have gone on rampages. As of this morning, The Mountain had reportedly killed over 9000 men, women, and children and shows no sign of stopping, particularly

considering the character was “a piece of unkillable bullshit” even prior to Martin’s death.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. William Shakespeare is rumored to have been killed by one of his own characters, and it is widely agreed on by historians that J.R.R Tolkien was beaten to death with a tiny gold ring.

These deaths have left several well-known authors fearful of retribution from their own characters. When interviewed by a reporter, J.K. Rowling cried, “Oh God. Snape, if you are hearing this, please forgive me. I’ll write you a happy ending. So just, please, don’t.”

When Stephanie Meyer, the author of Twilight, was asked what she would do if she was attacked by her

own characters, she reportedly ripped her shirt off and shouted, “Well you can come at me!” Suzanne Collins, author of the Hunger Games, has since locked herself within her home and has been unavailable for questioning.

Martin’s death has also pushed the topic of “Fictional Civil Rights” to the forefront of American politics.

On one side of the political spectrum are avid fans of Martin, calling for the death of even more fictional characters in retaliation — “excluding Tyrion” — and Donald Trump who has already called for a wall to be built “between America and the fictional world.”

On the other side of the issue are the fictional humanitarians, who view these fictional characters as le-

PHOTO By Connor Gorry

gitimate citizens who are fighting for their right to live safely and freely. Since the movement began, numerous shelters for battered women have been set up in Westeros, as well as orphanages for the kids from Maze Runner, and a sex education class for the teenagers in Twilight.

Despite all of the political turmoil surrounding his death, Martin’s funeral will still be held next Friday at his beloved home from 12 to 3 p.m., fans of Martin are encouraged to attend the funeral and give back to the man who gave the world so much. However, with all the controversy regarding the man’s death, security analysts advise them to be careful as there are already rumors floating around regarding a “red funeral.”

10. Androids only worth three-fifths of a vote 9. Whether two dogs can get gay-married to a slippery slope 8. Kanye West declared a deity, separation of Church and State reconsidered 7. Most political scandals involve figuring out which of the candidates are actually the product of a time travel incident 6. Half the candidates are trying to heighten the wall between the US and Mexico to account for flying cars 5. Debate on whether the oil on Uranus should be harvested 4. How to deal with the fact that Walmart has a monopoly on monopolies 3. The Chinese have been slowly moving space missiles into international space 2. Whether or not we need to see a candidate’s Earth certificate 1. Large debate over whether or not to finally withdraw ground troops from Afghanistan

November 9, 2015

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Page 9

President of UCs Makes $570,000, Can Almost Afford UC Tuition

Freshman Pre-Med Calls It, UCSD’s Official Time of Death Oct. 9, 10:28 PM

By Summer Davis Staff Writer

U

niversity of California President Janet Napolitano has almost reached her goal of funding her first year of college at a UC. Napolitano, who claims she couldn’t save enough of her $570,000 salary for tuition, is turning to crowdfunding platforms like Kickstarter and GoFundMe to “make those last few thousand dollars.”

“It’s been my childhood dream to attend a UC,” said Napolitano when asked for comment. “I sort of skipped to ruling over the UC system with an iron fist before actually attending one, but improvements in my assistanthiring program have left my schedule open for the next four years. I seek out the most desper- I mean, enthusiastic UC students who then go through a rigorous application process to assess their ability to use Microsoft Word and carry my bag.”

Napolitano, who reportedly “has nothing to lose at this point,” is planning on applying with a major in political science because she “really enjoy[s] the sound of President Napolitano.” She also stated her intent to participate in various student organizations, such as Future Leaders of the UC System and Tritons for Napolitano.

Napolitano’s project on GoFundMe is titled “Help Me, an Average Californian with No Connections to the UC System, Attend a UC.” Although Kickstarter is designed to fund creative projects, Napolitano bypassed this rule by titling her project “Help Me, a Creative, Average Californian with No Connections to the UC System, Creatively Attend a UC.” Many residents of California expressed surprise that even Napolitano couldn’t afford to attend a UC, believing it was only their children who were that unfortunate. New

PHOTO By lawrence lee

Sources report Chem 140C faces first-degree murder charges.

By Arya Kaul

O

PHOTO By mATT sWITZER

Ever since the UC system moved off of the gold standard in 2015, this mound of useless garbage has just become a real problem for Napolitano. protests ignited among students and parents who were upset over Napolitano taking a valuable place at a UC. The protests lasted approximately two hours before dying out.

“You would think that of all people, she would be able to afford it. I mean, she could at least lower tuition for herself. That kind of corruption wouldn’t surprise anyone at this point,” said UC San Diego student Kelly Reynolds.

One of Napolitano’s assistants responded to this idea with a tuition plan of his own.

“I advised her to get two jobs, but she said that was ‘too much work for one degree,’” said the anonymous assistant.

“So then I proposed Plan B

— we start more construction projects at whichever school she chooses to attend. Then, we use that as a cover to hike up tuition even more for the students. But the twist is that all of that extra money goes to President Napolitano’s bank account!”

The assistant expressed regret that Napolitano’s response was that she’d “been there, done that.”

Sources close to Napolitano believe that it should be no surprise that her salary doesn’t cover tuition.

“Realistically, only the employees of the UC system who are making over $700,000 can afford to pay tuition up front; everyone else takes

out loans,” said another one of Napolitano’s assistants. “I make over $100,000 a year but can only afford to take four units. Probably.”

At press time, Napolitano’s projects had made a total of $48,000, or about 22 percent of her goal. Supporters have left comments such as “#Napolitano2016” and “#YouMeanTheIceCreamRight.”

Napolitano expressed hope for her future as a UC student, commenting that “if this crowdfunding thing doesn’t work out, there’s always the FAFSA. I just hope I won’t have to take out loans.

I’ve heard that student debt can be a real downer.”

La Jolla Hammerhead Admits Dissatisfaction with Local Real Estate, Heads Back to Mexico

By Madison Wilson

L

Staff Writer

a Jolla Shores Beach was emptied last week in response to a hammerhead shark sighting. Contrary to popular belief and hearsay, the shark had not arrived to eat beachgoers.

In an interview with reporters the shark explained the real reason for his unexpected visit.

“I heard from some leopard sharks down south about this area,” he stated. “Expensive, but apparently quite a view.” The view, in this case, was that of Seal Beach, or even, the shark admitted, La Jolla Shores, “if times got tough.”

“I guess I expected some more colorful coral formations, some interestingly ugly fish, perhaps a floating wreck or two, the way the boys at home go on about it,” he sighed.

“And I ate my real estate agent, I’ll admit. Up here they’re all seals! She was terrible, pushy, and just wouldn’t quit talking. She tried to convince me to buy a shitty tugboat wreck right at the surf line. Back home we live in a freakin’ coral reef. Like hell I’m gonna pay for that.”

A human kayaker weighed in with reporters about the appearance of the shark.

“Yeah, when we first saw him, we were pretty freaked out,” he said as he brushed his frosted hair back over his forehead and guffawed.

“I tried to, like, attach my

Staff Writer

n October 9, Michael Zhao officially called it. Listing the time of death as 10:28 pm, Zhao loudly proclaimed that UCSD truly was UC Socially Dead.

“I’m done. I have yet to find a single party and it’s already Week 2 — I should have believed all those College Confidential posts. As a pre-med freshman who has spent a total of 17 days at UCSD, I’m obviously the only qualified person to make this call.”

Reacting to the news, Chancellor Khosla managed to whisper, “So? It’s not like I care what some kid thinks…

I’m not taking it personally or anything,” before breaking down in tears and locking himself in his room. Khosla could not be reached for further comment. However, reporters have acquired receipts that confirm the Chancellor has eaten 15 pint-size bins of Ben & Jerry’s and rewatched Dirty Dancing over 50 times since disappearing two days ago.

Michael Zhao appeared unfazed after causing Khosla’s apparent meltdown.

“It’s his fault for only admitting weirdos into UCSD. We could be cooler than SDSU if he would’ve just lowered the bar for admissions, or at least as cool as Cal State San Marcos.

Where are the coke addicts?

Where are my alcoholics? I’m not saying everybody should abandon their hopes and dreams for short term satisfaction, but at least a couple people to get the party started.”

The administration swiftly retaliated against Zhao’s harsh accusations by sending out a schoolwide email proclaiming Zhao, “a little shithead.”

Candlelight vigils have been scheduled throughout the week as UCSD students pay their final respects to the school’s social life.

Even the 34,168 Christian organizations on campus set aside their differences to lead a multi-faith prayer for UCSD. Jose Pierre, president of Christians Against Spiders, led the eulogy and only stopped the service twice to sweep for spiders.

“My name is Jose. I am a Triton, a Christian, and an arachnophobe, and I’ll be speaking on behalf of every student who tried to get absolutely shitfaced at UCSD. I remember the first party I threw, it was the most adorable little kickback you could imagine. There was food and drink, we played Pin the RAID on the spider, and I even got to second base in that game of rounders we played outside.

So, when the news came that Zhao had said it was dead you could imagine my anguish. I’d like to take a moment now… wait, what’s that thing over there. In that corner, by that kid in the orange shirt. Shit, is that a spider?”

While some students have accepted Zhao’s decision, other students refuse to take the proclamation lying down.

Protesters have already formed outside Zhao’s dorm, begging him to reconsider his decision. With tears streaming down her face, Jennifer Kuo, the leader of the protest, told a reporter: “If he would just give us another chance, I’m sure we can turn things around. We just need one more shot.” Kuo also pledged to, “go absolutely crazy and throw a party with more than five people.”

When asked how he has spent his time at UCSD so far, Zhao responded, “I’ve mainly been going to and from class.

When I have free time I either do homework or watch Netflix in my room. I would spend more time outside, but all the people handing out flyers for social clubs and organizations on Library Walk are too aggressive. It’s easier to just stay away from it all.”

TOP Ten

Similarities Between Jury Duty And Getting an Enema PHOTO By Lawrence Lee

The shark could tell this was a bad neighborhood when he saw that the drainage pipe from the ocean’s surface connected directly to a very unsuccessful drug dealer’s home.

GoPro to him but he swam away pretty fast. Anyway, I got some sick footage of him though! Check it!”

A local fish had a couple words to say as well.

“I was disappointed when the hammerheads decided not to move here,” expressed the La Jolla native of her dismay at the shark’s change of heart. “This is just the neighborhood for folks like that,” she sighed.

“Hammerheads would definitely add to the neighborhood. They are classy folk, a little more discerning than other sharks. God knows we have enough leopard sharks.

It’s a shame they’ve decided to go elsewhere.”

The shark finished his interview with a gusting sigh.

“I just expected more, but it was an interesting trip. The wife back home is looking for a better school district for the kids and we heard about the curriculum up here ... well I’ll tell you, the schools are full of cuttlefish! It’s expensive as hell, just to take a bunch of standardized tests.

“We’ve been looking in Huntington and the like, but there’s too many great whites up there. Pushy assholes who hog all the best food. I want my kids to grow up in a place where they can stretch their fins, test the water. Everybody knows hammerheads are of a higher caliber, a little more

learned. We need a place away from all the riff-raff.

“Anyway, I got an offer on the way up here to act in a new movie coming out,” the shark continued. “I forget the name. Something about a shark tornado. I think I’ll go pursue that.”

Residents of La Jolla can rest easy for now knowing that the last thing the shark had to say provided a compelling reason for Californians to continue to seek the comfort of the sea. “The humans up here taste like corn anyways. Too much blubber.

I prefer something a little more traditional, less filled with plastic. Much fresher fare in Mexico.”

10. You have to watch a video from 1977 explaining the process first 9. “My sister died and this is all you’re doing about it?”

8. It’s not fun for the 12 people involved 7. Something something obstruction of justice 6. I wouldn’t mind missing work for either 5. At the end of the day, you’ve learned a good lesson about how our country works 4. There’s a lot of waiting, then dark truths coming out, and then you’re basically done 3. You have to remember to take out the three balloons filled with coke before you go in 2. Involves you getting a lot of refined crap 1. An important part of the judicial process

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theMQ.org

November 9, 2015

Undeclared Major Impacted

Study Finds Men More Masculine Than Ever

PHOTO By Riley mallory

PHOTO By Jen Windsor

Prerequisites for this class include being thrown into a system that high school didn’t prepare you for, feeling directionless, and being a disappointment to your parents.

By Elizabeth O’Neil and Andrew Deneris

British Correspondent and Editor-in-Chief C San Diego announced yesterday that it is declaring its “Undeclared” major impacted due to record enrollment and unprecedented demand for the major. This comes after an influx of incoming freshman listed as Undeclared on TritonLink failed to change their major, deciding that this major given to them by the UCSD admissions office was better than their initial choice.

Data provided by the University shows that the high demand for the major was initially caused by applicants to highly popular majors, such as Computer Science, Electrical Engineering, and Classical Studies, being admitted as Undeclared due to space constraints. Even

U

those who are admitted to these majors have experienced serious repercussions, including students being forced out of the Computer Science Building due to exceeding fire marshall-mandated room capacities and Electrical Engineering students having to share Arduinos in groups of four instead of two.

However, the data indicates that the high number of students in Undeclared has caused others to switch to it intentionally, perceiving it to be a valuable field of study.

Experts refer to this as “The Venus Effect,” named after the planet that “everyone always talks about” but that “no real scientist gives a shit about.”

“I am just so glad I got into Undeclared — Social Sciences,” freshman Lillian Thompson proclaimed to one the baristas in MOM. “I’ve heard

that the department here at UCSD is one of the most popular and highest-rated in the UC System. I just hope that I can keep up with the heavy course load to earn such an esteemed degree.”

Thompson added that she was confident that the degree would be impressive on graduate school applications since it shows “that I’m confident enough in myself to dedicate four years to something I’m still completely undecided on.”

The flood of students to Undeclared sparked the registrar’s attention, and consequently the University sent a campus-wide email announcing the change. Unsurprisingly, most undergraduate students did not actually read said email and requests to switch to Undeclared were still being seen on TritonLink, despite the unavailability of the major due

to its impacted status.

The school has yet to decide the prerequisite classes for switching into Undeclared after enrollment, but many students are eagerly awaiting the announcement so they can prepare appropriately.

In response to its popularity, the university has started a new department to cater to the high number of Undeclared students. This will include a new department chair who, due to budget restraints, will be replacing the chair of the Educational Studies department and assuming that role as well.

The school also plans on hiring professors to teach classes with the new “UND” departmental code. Planned course offerings include “Choices in Modern Society,” “Ambivalence and the Self,” and “Household Economics 101.”

MQ rossword Are you a cruciverbalist? Do you pine for the smell of a fresh New York Times on the weekend? Do you feel a cathartic rush of adrenaline every time you put a pen to that fibery, can’t-get-the-smell-off-your-hands newspaper? Do you physically pleasure yourself over completed sudokus and crosswords? We’ve got exactly the thing for you! We’re not calling this puzzle the pinnacle of the modern English language, but let’s just say Will Shortz dropped his pants when we sent it to him.

Down 1. Netflix and ____ 2. SUPER-CHILL-WIFI-GUEST 3. Spell ICUP. Haha 4. People who do crosswords in pen 5. ECHO! 7. Where Josephine will have the night of her life with me 8. The actor who plays Jon Snow 11. In the living room with the rope

Answers: 1. Buffering 2. 37GPFDSFWSE19 3. ICUP 4. Expurts 5. Echoecho 6. Clapclapclap 7. Prom 8d. Diesattheend 8a. Deadpope 9. Badgoogle 10. Hamger 11. Yahtzee 12. Netanyahu 13. Cancer 14. Losers 15. Preponderance

Across 6. Well no one told you life was gonna be this way 8. TIME person of the year 2016 9. B I N G ____ 10. Word we made up to fit this space 12. Inventor of Yahoo 13. What's up, doc?

14. People who do crossword puzzles 15. Since you're such an idiot, we're just going to give you this one: Preponderance

“I understand that masculinity is an arbitrary construct and that true confidence comes from intrinsic self worth, but does anyone want to oil up my sweet pecs?” asked the model.

By Ankush Challa Staff Writer

M

en have been found to be manlier than ever, as reported by a recent scientific study. Researchers attribute this increase in manliness to factors including the ubiquity of the word “bruh,” the advent of CrossFit, the hyper-inflation of male egos, and an even spicier Old Spice deodorant.

An auxiliary research endeavor branching from the original study is also on the verge of finding a positive correlation between the number of times a man has sex in a week and his average level of manliness (confounding factors such as beard length, size of penis, and amount of protein consumed in a week have not yet been accounted for).

A factor that was especially significant in determining the average level of manliness of the present generation was what head researcher Dr. Ramachandran Pandey called, “The Objectification of Women and the Bicep Curl Product.” It first measured, to 43 significant figures, how precisely a man could identify a woman as a piece of meat. Some men only had a rudimentary capacity to properly identify a women as either red or white meat. However, most introduced unfathomable levels of precision into the conventional system of objectification, citing new categories such as a “robust T-bone steak” and a “coconut shrimp.”

The number gathered from the first stage of analysis was multiplied by the amount of weight (in kilograms) the sample male bicep curls. For the samples selected, the product often gave a manliness measurement that reached levels obtained by the leaders of male society, entertainers, and celebrities.

If the current trend continues, men will be able to reach the highest echelon of success: in Dr. Pandey’s words, “Chillin in a pool of champagne and snorting protein powder off a naked woman,

who of course, just made a couple hundred sandwiches.”

According to Pandey, the permeating nature of free internet porn allowed millennial men to score “off the charts, literally” on the Objectification of Women measurement, setting themselves far ahead of the pack from earlier generations.

It seems that viewing women covered in whipped cream especially aided the proper evolution of the male psychology. By seeing how intimacy is supposed to work, millennial men are now able to integrate proper whipped-cream technique into their repertoire of “ninja-sex-moves,” allowing them to maintain their dominance in management and STEM careers.

The research team also chose to analyze the childhood histories of the subjects they used for the study. Children who frequently said "please" and knew basic table manners grew up to fill the “Least Manly” category and were less likely to end up in a leadership position, or in the top tax bracket. Dr. Pandey described the behavior as “barbaic,” setting these children leagues behind their "take-what-youwant, who-needs-silverware" counterparts.

Furthermore, according to the study, any man committing the “cardinal sin” of practicing kindness or thinking deeply should immediately stop, or else risk a 21 percent or higher decrease in salary. A popular psychological tool to inhibit this type of behavior is to replace phrases with conventional "Bro Speak." For example, replace the phrase “Where did we come from? Who made us?” with “Go lift bruh.” Or, replace the phrase “I wonder how I can make my partner feel happy and appreciated” with “I wanna switch things up with anal tonight.”

In a related study, scientists have discovered a positive correlation between the annual salary of a man and his ability to properly coordinate the perfect game of “fuck, marry, and kill.”

THE MQ Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

November 9, 2015

theMQ.org

Page 11

Area Cat First Ever to Catch the Red Dot

Disgruntled Tour Guide Leads Group Up Peterson Hill

PHOTO By Jen Windsor

As the tour guide began her task of perpetually pushing the ball up the hill, she knew her effort was for naught.

By Lawrence Lee PHOTO By jacob aguirre

Jagermanmeister recently added a new wing onto his house with a pool and a driving range, but ended up preferring a piece of toilet paper on the floor for entertainment.

By Anthony Showalter Staff Writer

G

uthrie Jagermanjensen, a seven-year-old British shorthair from Claremont Mesa accomplished the “glorious feat” of catching the red dot that has eluded cats around the world for generations. With an ownershot Youtube video as proof, Jagermanjensen has since received lucrative endorsement deals with many cat-friendly companies and now lives in a luxurious cat mansion in Del Mar Heights.

Jagermanjensen reported he will live out the rest of his days attended to by a butler and an endless buffet of premium Fancy Feast.

“I shall surely receive a seat next to the Almighty Sphinx in the Sacred Realm for this,” he commented.

Jagermanjensen stated that at one time his life trajectory was far from head-

ing toward success: “My first owner was pretty okay, but I was taken away from her after I was busted for a catnip growing operation I started with some Persian blue homies.

Those cats are crazy as shit and will do anything to make a buck. We were selling to all the strays, and even to some squirrels who would go absolutely bonkers on that stuff.

One of them ratted us out to my owner and next thing you know I was in a shelter.” Jagermanjensen was facing euthanasia for catnip trafficking and resisting capture by attempting to look really, really cute and lovable.

Jagermanjensen was eventually picked up at the shelter by a new owner where he says he first encountered the red dot.

“He and his bros would always smoke this human catnip out of a bubbly tube and one time a red dot appeared through the smoke. As soon

as I saw it I went toward it, but it moved, and they all stood around giggling! It kept moving and I wasn’t fast enough to snag it. Soon, it was my nine lives’ mission to catch the red dot and imbue my paws with its incredible power.”

Jagermanjensen recalled that his mere adoration turned into idolatry as the red dot kept appearing before him.

“The red dot was the reason for waking up super early, like, before noon. It became more important than drinking goddamned water. I abstained from diddling the neighbor’s cat for an eternity, almost three whole days, because I had to keep watch at home if the red dot appeared.”

As the weeks went by, Jagermanjensen gained several pounds from eating to entertain himself while waiting for the red dot to materialize.

“Look, I’m not fat, I’m pleasantly plump. Fat is like 34 pounds, I was only 27. Do the

math, human.” Despite monumental weight gain, the pleasantly plump Guthrie caught the red dot through a body slam maneuver on September 30th with his owner uploading the video promptly afterward.

Within a week after the initial upload, the clip gained over 175 million views and spawned many vines, memes, and the awkward hashtag #jagermanjawesome as the endorsement deals arrived.

Jagermanjensen merchandise also went on the market and began outselling Grumpy Cat products by 80 percent.

"What I really miss is the joy of looking really cute to get more food," Jagermanjensen said of his success. "Now I have a butler and an epic endorsement from Fancy Feast.

The caloric intake is infinite, but where’s the fun in that? I should consider getting a paid 'owner' in my palace to beg food from. Now that would be the cat’s meow!”

Briefity is the soul of wit Scientists Finally Uncover the Mystery of Dog Reproduction A recent study by the University of California, San Diego Biology department has revealed, after so many years, just how canines reproduce. This discovery was facilitated by current weather conditions, which made observing the previously unknown process possible.

“This is a very hard time in every dog owner’s life,” said Primary Investigator Donna Geldale. “But take comfort in the fact that this is natural. Like pinecones opening after a forest fire, dogs are evolutionarily programmed to spread themselves geographically during wet seasons.

“During periods of high rain and wind, a special flap unfurls which allows dogs to catch the wind sending them tumbling away. This is a way to perpetuate their genetic material over distance.

When they land in a dirt area, softened by the rain — they catch, at which point their roots anchor them in place, and they begin to germinate.

“The gametes, stored within them and fertilized during their quadrupedal life phase, bud.

Eventually, the larva grow complex enough to survive on their own, bursting out of their ‘parent’s’ ‘skin,’ wriggling, onto the ground. Their large eyes and soft fur are meant to — and successful at — attracting human hosts, who provide them with safety and nourishment until they are ready to sprout on their own.”

Supreme Court Study Finds Makes Historic Slamming Tables Decision, Language to be Cause of of Love Not a Rec- the United States’ ognized Dialect Strength as Nation The Supreme Court passed down a landmark decision last month, ruling that the "Language of Love" was not a dialect in the eyes of the US government.

The case, New Age Beatnik Poets v. Kentucky, began its hearing in late September when a poetry society in northeastern Kentucky was refused an amendment they submitted to the state legislature. The amendment itself sought to solidify what the poets called the “Language of Love” as a state recognized dialect of English.

“My plan was to write the most beautiful 13 line stanza Sapphic for Rosy, the girl I’ve been going with,” explained self-described ex-pat of the Academy of American Poets Mark Zinkula. “And I wanted to show off my bilingualism and write it in my first language, the language of love.”

“There was no way we were going to let these damn hippies get any validation for themselves,” stated Kentucky State Senator Robin Webb. “It’s bad enough we’ve had to accommodate such so-called ‘languages’ as Klingon, French, and AAVE, but this is absurd.”

Ultimately the case was decided by Justice Robert’s stirring argument. “A language of love? Go tell these pretentious assholes to piss off back to their bongothemed circle jerks.”

A new study found that the act of standing up during corporate meetings and frustratingly lashing out by slamming one’s hands on various conference tables is the direct and primary reason for the United States’ overall strength, status, and power in the world.

“From this study, we can conclude that the U.S. can attribute its dominance due to the brave men and women who risk their careers every single day to forcefully thrust their clenched hands — or, in some cases, open palms — onto tables,” said lead researcher Saundra Davis.

“It’s not too hard to believe that our table slamming has been worthwhile to the U.S. all along,” she continued, giving the table a solid thump for good measure.

Despite its recent release, the study has already been widely adopted by many Americans as validation for their tendency to unleash nationalistic rage upon tables through a powerful exertion of downwards force.

“I’ve been slamming the table in every staff meeting I’ve been in since 2002,” said political science professor Steven Scheppman, “and I’m glad to hear that it’s doing some well-deserved good for this country.

“The more our loyal American citizens really hit those tables, the more our allies respect us, and the more our enemies fear us. And that’s how you get ahead in the world.”

Gas Prices at Record Lows, Still Higher Than Your GPA Last Tuesday gas prices finally reached a record low, after dropping steadily for the last few months. Unfortunately for you, however, they still haven’t managed to be equal to or lower than your GPA. Analysts attribute the trend to several factors, such as American oil companies producing more oil and lower oil prices in general, unlike you, who have been less and less productive since enrolling. They also point towards the lack of major disasters, not including your academic career, that have occurred in recent months, as they can cause delays in oil production. Finally, the record low can be attributed to the season, when restrictions on oil refining loosen, causing prices to drop. Fall, when students return from class after the summer holiday, is a time in which students grades tend to suffer as well, although never quite as severely as yours.

"While this is in no means a permanent trend," Shell representative Martin Hall said, "we're proud to be lowering prices for our customers, and only hope we can one day catch up with the pit that is your academic career."

Experts encourage those planning a long trip to fill up their tanks later this week, when prices are predicted to reach their lowest point, and your counselor strongly encourages you to finally schedule that appointment

by Monday, asshole.

I

Graphics Editor

n an ongoing campus tour, third-year undergraduate tour guide Irene Montani led her 24-person tour group up the entirety of Peterson Hill in frustration at her tour’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Labs are supposed to be required sessions in which you practice hands-on, practical applications of what — hey, is anyone even listening?” Montani said, raising her voice, after she stopped in front of Peterson Hall.

“You know, I’ve been having such a terrible week, and working this awful job with you ungrateful bunch of nogood, financial-aid stealing twerps isn’t helping,” she proceeded to yell to the entire group. “Do you even care that discussions usually consist of reviewing course material in smaller classroom settings?”

The tour group was seen struggling to trek up the steep, unforgiving incline of Peterson Hill in the 90 degree weather, with a vast majority of its members sweating profusely through their shirts. During the walk, Montani deemed herself “too pissed” to even introduce the tour group to any of the cute guys she noticed or professors she had once for a general education class.

Earlier in the tour, a seagull reportedly defecated on the back of an unsuspecting Montani’s head, prompting her to spit out “fuck” under her breath and subsequently instruct her tour group to walk back and forth on Library Walk three times while she washed her hair in the fountain next to the bookstore.

“It’ll really give you a good feel for the UCSD atmosphere,” she said as the group immediately began to attract the attention of students handing out flyers.

Montani’s disposition did not go unnoticed by the suffer-

ing tour group members.

“I don’t really appreciate that she’s clearly not invested in doing well in her job,” commented Christopher Inez, a parent on the tour. “So I bring my son all the way to San Diego to take a good look at the schools here, and this is the kind of tour we get? He’s still a shy, impressionable kid, so I hope [Montani’s] shoddy attitude doesn’t make him think poorly of the school. At Harvard, the tour guides were in groups of three, and the entire tour was performed acapella.”

His son, 18-year-old high school senior Tory Inez, had started the tour with high hopes for his prospects at UC San Diego, bolstered by solid academic performance, selfproclaimed “bitchin’” personal statement, and instantaneous attraction to Montani.

“She’s kinda hot, isn’t she?” he was heard muttering to himself near the beginning of the tour. “Maybe I’ll talk to her, and one thing will lead to another, and my parents will magically disappear, and then she and I will have this deep, connected moment, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll come back in April for Triton Day and she’ll remember me from so many months ago, and if the stars do truly shine on me, we’ll reunite by having a romantic, self-sympathizing tryst right after I tell her I got rejected from Harvard, Cornell, and Dartmouth.”

But after the group’s meandering on Library Walk and hike up Peterson Hill, Inez seemed to have changed his mind.

“Not sure… if this college thing… is really for me,” he puffed out to his father in between alternating, massive gulps of air and water.

At press time, Montani was seen leading her tour group back down Peterson Hill along a path that unmistakably led towards Sixth College.

TOP Ten

Reasons Why OxiClean Couldn’t Quite Get That Stain Out 10. You still haven’t made your five easy payments of $9.95 9. It’s not a stain; it’s modern art. Please sir, you’re at the MOMA, get out 8. OxiClean only gets the tough stains. It was a soft stain 7. The stain your mother was referring to on the family lineage was more metaphorical 6. You bought OxyMoron Clean and it’s actually making it dirtier 5. The stain is on your soul. God’s watching 4. You didn’t read the box. It works on everything but meatball stains 3. You can remove the stain, but you can never remove its spirit 2. Stained glass is dry clean only 1. “Oh shit, that’s just the color this is”

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theMQ.org

College Kid’s First Halloween

November 9, 2015

Get the camera ready — like all the firsts to come, a college kid’s first Halloween is a special event. Just like a newborn’s first bowel movement, this is natural. Look for a first Halloween to be a regurgitation of all that the still-fresh student has absorbed in its first two months on campus. It may take the form of a grayscale Jackson Pollock or be accompanied by the most putrid stench you never thought could exist, but just remember, this is not only natural but healthy. A first Halloween such as this is critical in ensuring your college kid grows up to enjoy many regular Octobers in the future.

Tips for Going to Costume Parties

DIY Costumes

It’s your first Halloween away from home and you want to prove to everyone that you don’t need to rely on rich parents or access to a Halloween superstore to pull off a great costume.

All you need is creativity, ingenuity, and maybe a few Dining Dollars and you’re on your way to a topical, thought-provoking costume that will leave your friends saying, “I don’t get it.”

Space Mummy A roll of duct tape and the knowledge you’re going to have to peel this off your skin later are all that’s needed for this great idea. Perfectly timed with the release of “The Martian” and NASA’s recently re-cut budget.

So now you’re all dressed, and ready to go hit up your first Halloween party. Here’s a few tips and tricks to make sure you have a spooky good time!

1. Make sure you know everyone in the frat so you know who you can’t be racist against.

3. Pick up line idea: “Hey I like your costume. How about your costume and my costume have a costume party without us?”

5. If this is your first Halloween party, don’t eat anything first. That makes alcohol taste better.

Volkswagen Car

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7. The first time someone disrespects you, you have to beat shit out of them in order to be top in the yard.

Show off your wit and insight about the recent Volkswagen scandal with this simple number. A single can of pinto beans will suffice, but make sure you’re constantly within 20 yards of a bathroom because frequent smog checks will be necessary.

With one quick trip to the market for face paint, you too can let all your friends know that you love political Halloween costumes and also have the cultural awareness of a deaf hermit crab.

Modest Cheerleader

Want to defy all norms and expectations of a typical Halloween? This year, don’t even take the costume out of the bag. Wear the sexy cat costume as it comes packaged in the store and let your friends know that “this is a deep statement about both the cultural prisons we’ve locked ourselves in and the capitalist society that controls that prison.”

...Give me an I! Give me a T! What’s that spell?

“Just because I’m holding pom poms and wearing a skirt that shows my knees doesn’t mean in any way that you can approach me in the manner that you did or that I’m asking for IT!”

4. Drink plenty of water, but not so much you have to pee every 30 minutes.

Your bladder is small.

6. Your costume idea as a Real Housewife of Orange County is good but maybe throw fewer mimosas at people.

8. The only person who knows your limits is the guy yelling at you to take another shot.

9. That’s definitely not a karaoke machine. You’re by yourself. You’ve been by yourself for 45 minutes.

Sexy Cat Costume Costume

2. Be a girl.

11. Those people over there are definitely not telling you to chug. They’re looking for their friend. Put down the beer and help them find him.

10. Don’t get too attached to that goat; it’s all going down when the moon is highest in the sky.

12. If you arrive late, assume everyone at the party didn’t decide to lie still on floor in fake blood.

13. Leave early so you have time to go trick or treating.

14. If you’re unsure if someone’s an RSO, ask them if they’re a sexy cop or not. By law, they have to answer.

15. Most frat parties are bring your own skeleton.

16. If you’re thinking about going to a party on campus, just don’t.

How to Turn Your Dorm Room Into a Haunted House

Maybe you decided not to dress up, and maybe you decided to stay in. But there’s still a way to feel the holiday spirit from the comfort of your own dorm room. Redoing your dorm to take the form of a haunted house can be a fun change of pace from its usual grim and terrifying state. A willing roommate and a pile of fake — or real — vomit makes for a quick exorcism.

Keep a black light and a strobe light handy for horrific raves that show off what really happens on your bed. Some other ideas include: Everybody can see this,

Silly string can be a real nightmare

right? Like, it’s not just me?

for the people who clean your dorm every week

Your twelve denied financial aid applications sure are scary reading material

Leave out illegal marijuana cigarettes. Nothing is scarier than smoking drugs, kids Build a spring-loaded Chancellor Khosla to jump-scare the shit out of your guests The Red Cross truck from Library Walk is great for “fake” blood Legos on the ground are both painful and will remind guests of how soon they’ll be having children of their own