THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO
October 28, 2015 November 9, 2015
“Some people say, ‘Never let them see you cry.’ I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” — Rep. John Boehner (R-OH)
Situational advocate of deforestation since 1996.
Developer of “Melted Ice” Releases New Product Line: “Condensed Steam”
By Chris Lee
A
Elon Musk sets sights on mars
2
Christmas season refugees seek asylum in october
4 6,7
Napolitano almost rich enough to afford uc men found to be more manly than ever
9 10
News in Brief Chrome Bug Releases Incognito History To Your Parents; “I Can Explain” PHOTO By trev malone
“And for just $15 extra, you can upgrade to the Condensed Steam package that will take the shape of any container it’s put in!” Pepperson said. flavor right out of Vitaminwater and slapped my own, witty product name onto the bottle, and should be shot for that. I’ve had my fair share of consumer vigilantism in my past days,” he laughed.
“But I want to let these people know that Condensed Steam, patent pending, will bring about a change in their point of view. A-qua-rantee you that.” However, Pepperson be-
came provoked when confronted with possible competition.
See CONDENSED, page 2
KKK Adjusts to Social Climate with New Progressive Corporate Policies By Michael Ye Staff Writer
T
he KKK released their plan to incorporate new progressive policies last week, in an attempt to recruit new liberal members, and gain support in their effort to raise awareness of the marginalized white, racist demographic. One such liberal policy stems from the recent suicides and scandals involving underpaid laborers in China. In response to this, the KKK of America has decided to cancel plans to expand its operations in “the Orient.” The KKK announced that it will keep jobs in American families, marking a decidedly radical change in company policy that has existed since the early 1960’s. “There will be no overpaid foreign workers stealing the industries of hard-working Americans,” one spokesperson for the KKK stated. “We decided to save money by keeping the operation inhouse. We are asking every suburban trophy wife to step up and apply for jobs traditionally reserved for lucky foreign children. Yes, Klan dues are bound to increase steadily over the following weeks to accommodate for the higher wages, but this is a necessary adjustment for our modern ways of thinking. There are plenty of good, honest, white American women who can sew a brilliant hoodie.” The KKK has also decided to undergo a new branding
In This issue
El Niño survival guide
Staff Writer
rising star in the refreshment industry, Pepperson, Co., recently announced the much anticipated release of Condensed Steam (patent pending). Pryce Pepperson, CEO of Pepperson, Co., claimed that Condensed Steam (patent pending), will bring about a “refreshing change” to the market and surpass their last product, Melted Ice™, in sales. When asked about how he came about the idea, Pepperson responded, “I don’t know. I feel like people need a lot more energy in their lives, you know? Like you can’t just be dry about every matter that comes about and you can’t be chafing about how you should approach certain matters. Be fluid. See how I’m moving my hands as if it was an ocean wave? Yeah. Be like that.” Described by his colleagues as “successful, yet not arrogant; humble, yet not a pushover,” Pepperson mentions that he does notice possible criticisms. “I get it. Many of these people think that I just took the
Volume XXII Issue II
Last weekend, Chrome’s most recent bug, “Bedbugiezz,” sent extensive incognito web-history lists to parents. Flabbergasted and unable to form words, like always, pre-teens across the nation were forced to have the “talk” with their parents. Talking about their past experiences, many kids across the states had eternally uncomfortable conversations that lasted minutes. Middle schooler Victor Coors had a few sentences to say about what he experienced. “One day after school, my dad approached me with a list of websites, and when he
began his story with the phrase ‘when I was your age,’ I immediately knew what was coming.” As Coors recalls, “first I cut him off mid-conversation, turned red, ran around in a circle a few times, and then sang Nelly’s ‘Just a Dream’ with my eyes closed.” He continued, “But when I finished I saw my dad still there.” Coors’ father then proceeded to tell Coors that he shouldn’t waste time watching dog videos because “dogs aren’t nearly as cute as cats.” When asked for comments, Mr. Coors said, “I can explain.”
UCSD Football Player Dies of Head Trauma
PHOTO By jen windsor
Pictured: The KKK’s progressive board drafting a new plan for how to achieve their three values of inclusion, unity, and racism. process beginning with the hire of new management. New CFO Ben White, who had been inside the multicultural center at his college once, has a halfblack “friend” in Kansas, and who is also 1/32 Scandinavian, is expected to bring his multicultural expertise. “I think it’s important to demonstrate that the KKK is not an organization that is unwilling to adapt to progress. We want to offer our support for the underprivileged, socially stigmatized, and the brainwashed. Our campaign aims to guide affluent hipsters, suburban housewives, and fans of the band Coldplay back towards
the correct path,” White said. This is part of a larger effort by the KKK to advocate equality among all people. The new slogan “Racist Lives Matter” will be introduced later this month to, according to White, “address the hatred ordinary people have for the blatantly racist minority.” Additionally, the KKK has introduced a new line of products on their online store. Their new hood design can be purchased in a plethora of new colors with the words “We Are All White Inside” emblazoned across the back. In consideration of the “Free the Nipple Movement,” the KKK will also offer an additional
invisible-T option, though public display of such attire is still strongly discouraged. Meanwhile, fans of the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins, which the Klan describes as “popular native organizations in their own right,” will be able to order customized Klan jerseys in their team colors. The KKK hopes that these changes will help millions of people better understand marginalized minorities within the United States. In other news, multicultural groups across the country are rejecting the Klan’s request for their members to be included in new “affirmative action” policies.
Merkel still haunted by shadows of her country’s past
Genetically modified cuties much harder to peel
Netanyahu enough of an asshole to point it out
Reportedly contain much more meat
In a sad turn of events, Peyton F. Bawl, UCSD’s star quarterback player has succumbed to his injuries and died. Bawl was UCSD’s hero in its time of need, leading the football team to an undefeated 16-0 streak this past season, taking the team straight to the top of the NCAAFLCSO standings. Bawl reportedly had endured repeated head trauma throughout the season from being slammed into the boards over and over, and without treatment it developed into a life threatening disease. It wasn’t until the World College Super Championship game when Bawl was actually diagnosed with the rare head
condition, Firstitis Downulosis, or as it’s more commonly known, Larry Bird’s Disease, a head condition which disables all function of the eyes, ears, and toes. Bawl was loved by many, from his family to his friends to his dedicated fans who credit him with the revitalization of UCSD sports. Bawl managed to break 17 college football records in his time at UCSD, including most home runs scored in a game with 18 home runs, as well as the greatest number of yards bowled in a season. Bawl died last Monday in writhing pain surrounded by weeping alumni, and was buried with his beloved racket last Thursday.
New Study Finds Nothing Really, Like, Matters, Dude A new study from the Institute of the Pacific found that like, when you think about it dude, none of this shit matters. The study was conducted over a 12-week period, measuring the lives of several test subjects in the United States. The study found that, regardless of their income, profession, or marital status, all of the subjects would eventually “just be, like, goddamn dead one day, and like, there’s no point.” These results agree with earlier conclusions reached by Boston University, who
in 2010 claimed that soulmates aren’t real, and even if you die surrounded by family and loved ones, you die alone. The study also concluded that most people on Earth are “total jackoffs” and “just punch the fucking clock day in, and day out, just to buy shit [you] don’t even need, man.” When reached for question, representatives of the Institute said, “We’re all just working for the corporations.”
See BRIEFS, page 11