Beyond the Player: Emily DeGennaro

DEG.

In sports, it’s not uncommon for athletes to wear a mask.

Whether it’s in the form of a physical helmet or a scowl, pretending to be someone tough is often cited as the key to success.

But for Emily DeGennaro, the mask is coming off.

A native of Long Island, Emily grew up in a close community. The adversities that she witnessed her family and neighbors endure through the years taught her that resilience and attitude can beat even the most gruesome battles. As a result, she grew up a goofy child who loved to make others laugh.

For someone who describes herself as “a ball of energy," it wasn’t a surprise that Emily leaned toward sports from a young age. She played everything, but ultimately, one could say that her path to follow a career in field hockey was meant to be.

My dad loves field hockey. He was the one who told me I should become a goalie instead of a field player, and he was right. He knows me so well."

In high school, Emily began to compete at a higher level, gaining recognition from her community which manifested in newspaper articles, interviews, and everything an athlete could dream of. As enthusiastic as she was coming into college, the physical, emotional, and mental pressure worn her down to the point that she hated everything she once loved.

Photo by Héctor Gutiérrez

It’s noon on a warm Sunday. As Emily walks onto the field, something in her eyes changes. She’s suddenly more aware, more present–I would even go as far as to say she seems happier. She carries her gear with ease, which is crumpled inside a bag twice her size, and together, we bring a net from the sidelines onto the field.

“I think I’m going to cry when I put my helmet on,” she says half-joking, half-serious.

Because of the way college field hockey works, the spring semester sees all the senior players ending their careers, involuntarily being pushed to the sidelines. They no longer participate in practices, workouts, and other team sanctioned events that were part of their everyday routine. But despite the wide array of experiences in a student-athlete’s career, Emily knows exactly what she misses the most.

We used to sit on the grass by the net, laughing about everything and anything. The coaches would yell at us to stop wasting time, but we were having way too much fun to listen.”

The process of gearing up for training is an art itself, as I watch Emily put on bright yellow and black pads. “They used to call me Bumblebee in high school,” Emily recounts, as she wiggles her legs from side to side to bring attention to their colors.

In her full gear, she’s almost unrecognizable. Even the look on her face changes, and despite having an empty field ahead of her, I can tell she’s ready for whatever comes at her.

CLINK!

The metallic sound of her stick hitting both, side and top posts captures the attention of other athletes by the bleachers, including three football players and a handful of the lacrosse team.

It’s a ritual,” she explains, “I do it before every game. It’s for me to put my game face on.

As an outsider, the role of a field hockey goalie might seem quite simple: stop the ball from going into the net. But seeing Emily practice proves to me that there’s a whole lot that happens below the surface.

Besides her tall stature, she considers agility to be her biggest advantage. Even in a heavy set of pads that cover pretty much her entire body, Emily swerves, runs, tackles, and stops anything and everything from invading her territory.

Photo by Héctor Gutiérrez

Yet, as enthusiastic as she is explaining the dynamics of field hockey, Emily speaks about a time when she fell out of love with her sport.

For the first time that day–and perhaps, since the moment I met her–Emily stopped smiling.

Everyday I used to say, ‘I hate field hockey, I want it to be over. How many days until it’s over?"

As time progressed, the once energetic and hopeful freshman grew into a bitter upperclassman, who no longer wanted anything to do with the sport. In a place where she used to find comfort, the field became her least favorite place. As teammates drifted apart, pressure kicked in, and negativity prevailed, it was hard to look forward to a day of practice. Slowly, Emily burned out, something a lot of athletes are familiar with.

"Field hockey has molded my life."– Emily DeGennaro

Photo by Héctor Gutiérrez

Photo by Héctor Gutiérrez

It’s clear how much talking about this still affects her. It’s in her eyes–the regret, the confusion, but mostly the pain. Rather than a sad story, I think of Emily’s confession as a way to embrace the discomfort that arises from struggle. She doesn’t hold back, and talks about being a completely different person.

I’d put my helmet on and say ‘I’m tough’, but then I’d take it off and admit that I’m really not.”

As a female athlete, Emily has battled insecurities throughout her athletic career. No one tells young girls how their bodies changing might affect them athletically, and when it does, it becomes harder to work through it. You’re pushed to lift two hundred and fifty pounds on your back, and jeans stop fitting like they used to. But the world still wants you to look a certain way, and be a certain way.

It gets exhausting.

While she’s used to the generalizations of others about the ‘dumb jock’ stereotype that most athletes know too well, she admits it still gets to her. “No one really sees who I am on the inside, they only care for the outside.”

When your sport becomes your whole life, athletes often forget to take their mask off when they leave the field. But the more Emily tried to convince the world she’s not the tough goalie who stands up after getting knocked down, the more frustrated she grows.

Once practice is over, she packs up her stuff and we head into the building for our conversation. There’s no second guessing in her answers, it is clear that field hockey rules most of her life. As a senior going to law school in the fall, it’s time for her to trade the stick for the textbooks, the uniform for business casual, and the field for the courtroom.

I had never seen anyone be so aware of the things that make them uneasy, and yet be so comfortable sharing them with others.

Here's my take.

Before I dropped by Emily’s practice, I was convinced this story would be about grit, determination, and resilience. But watching her pour her emotions out onto the field, getting teary-eyed about wearing her gear again, and admitting so openly how frightening the future is, I know the story I wanted to write was about love.

In sports, we are challenged to keep our mask on, even after we have long left the field. We are celebrated for being quiet, cooperative, and emotionless as we fight adversity. And ultimately, we tend to lose the love that once brought us into the game.

What I love the most about Emily’s willingness to be open about her struggle, is the selfless desire to recognize those who helped her find purpose again.

As someone who is very close to her family, she credits her parents’ love for listening to her everyday about how tough things were. She recognizes the other goalies who despite being presented to her as adversaries, turned out to be loving friends. And lastly, she credits Christie, a freshman field player, who has reminded her that without love, field hockey is nothing.

But with love, field hockey is everything emily dreamed it would be.