cellular war

AUTHOR Angelina Horta

My body was built to tear me down from the moment I was created, An encoded hatred that pervaded my cells and DNA.

It wasn’t the first time I’ve fought this type of war, Another new diagnosis, Sure, I’ve been here before.

But like a prisoner trapped in my own body that attacks itself, Trying to escape, Held down by shackles, And confined to cages, Wanting so desperately to be liberated and freed

In that moment the doctor diagnosed me with this new disease, There was a sudden gap in my sense of identity

I had become a lost entity, Who no longer understood who I was, As the things I based my worth and joy on had to be put to a complete pause.

This was the change I had ultimately always feared.

Everything I’ve loved, Ever wanted to become, The sum of the life I’ve known, Routines and familiar ways of living I’d sewn into every fiber of my being, Had felt like it disappeared

There was so much grief held within the belief I had experienced a great loss.

Loss of a familiar life, And what I’ve come to known, Robbed of my peace, And a safe and healthy body that I once called my home.

Because the world kept moving forward, While it felt like mine was falling behind, As my state of mind began to decline, Where I could feel my identity starting to become defined by illness.

Routines shifted from testing the knowledge in my brain, To testing the contents of my blood.

From solving practice problems, To healing my health, Preventing it from hitting rock bottom

This peace I built and fortress of mine, Became invaded and dictated by an oppressive force.

One that reinforced all my fears, That stabbed at me like spears, As I’ve had to come to terms of dealing with this for the rest of my years.

Now here I stand after being left to my vices, Using these literary devices to cope with all this change

I’ve come to realize that amidst all the uncertainty, And physical pain I can feel, Awaits a happy ending, One where my body has finally healed

These battle scars left behind from my bodies cellular war, Have created a resiliency in me that no one can ignore

Angelina Horta is currently a student at McMaster University "This poem describes the battle I've had to face with illness my entire life, especially more recently I was recently diagnosed with another serious autoimmune disease; as a result, I've been dealing with a lot of new health challenges and changes to what were my old and familiar routines My life has changed a lot since my new diagnosis; I've had to place the things I enjoy and based my identity on hold for now This has caused me to feel that my identity has started to become defined by illness, which is a harsh reality many patients face Despite all the adversity and challenging health experiences I have faced, it has created a powerful resiliency in me, such as a warrior who fights in a war"

Catharine Clark-Sayles is now 69 and retired from medical practice in 2019 "I practiced mostly geriatrics which has given me a lot of stories to tell I completed an MFA in narrative medicine and poetry also in 2019 I've spent the last two years dealing with liver failure and liver cancer culminating in a transplant last May This poems looks at the interactions from the other side of the white coat I live north of San Francisco While writing, I am looking longingly at my garden (currently not allowed to do anything that might cause me to inhale fungal spores and water restrictions are in place due to drought) I am adjusting to the double vision of being both a doctor and a person dependent on many doctors to stay alive The shifting perspective is strange, wonderful and sometimes a little frightening " diagnosis

Art by Nouran Kushnaw (left) Art by Cezara Ene (corners).

AUTHOR Catharine Clark-Sayles

He folds his stethoscope sits on his roller chair the pause indrawn breath and sigh his gaze pulls in to meet my eye where a drop of hope eyelash-balanced falls