The Nerve Magazine - July 2003 by The Nerve Magazine

Cheap Shotz H

ow many Jaks does it take to screw in a light bulb? You can find out the punch line to this and many more classic jokes Monday, July 7th and the first Monday of every month when Shecky Grey hosts an evening of Punk Rawk Kawmedy Show at the Cobalt. So, gentlemen, make sure your vests are pressed, your badges aligned and your boards are revved because Grey’s unique style of terror and hilarity in a ghetto environment is sure to be the comedy event of the year. Humourists Kevin Foxx, Peter Kelamis and Aubrey Tennant will start cracking the wit at 9:30. So hopefully the ‘Balt cliental won’t be too thrashed from the July 4th Jaks reunion in Seattle, where the Gung Gos’ Jono Jak is expected to be honoured with a lifetime service award. Now that Luther Vandross is on his deathbed, there’s a new brand of bedroom music to put you in the mood. The next time you’re making sweet love to your significant other, why not have a little black metal playing in the background. After all, nothing says “I love you” more than listening to songs about the rise and fall of Satan. Your lover may need a little time to warm up to the idea, but it’s easier than you think. In between dimming the lights and slapping on a jimmy, discretely slide Cradle of Filth’s latest album, Damnation and a Day, in the disc player and begin your night of romance. Imagine: Your lover begins to reach climax and gently whispers in your ear, “I’M GOING TO CUM, DEVIL BITCH.” If your partner still prefers fornicating to the soul-

pic. Casey Cougar

ful rhythms of Vandross as oppose to Britain’s darkest metal outfit since Judas Priest, then maybe you two should go check out Cradle of Filth at the Commodore Friday, July 11. Think of it as foreplay. Clearing tables and emptying ashtrays for old men with loosened sphincters who fart every time they lean over to take a sip of their beer and bitch about the price of their

swill every fuckin’ time they order a round wasn’t really how I imagined my life. Yet, for the first few years of working at the Pic that’s exactly what I did. Thankfully, Steve Chase of Fireball Productions came along and started booking shows at the lil’ tavern-shaped pub that makes American touring bands feel right at home. Instead of geezers with cauliflowered noses emptying their cystostomy bags every two Buds, I was surrounded by rock stars every time I clocked into work. Some of my favourite nights at the modest venue were the low-expectation weeknights like the sleepy Sunday, when I went to check out Bob Log III and ended up being blown away by the then unknown Alabama two-piece, none other than the Immortal Lee County Killers… a love affair that has lasted until this day. The night we danced to the Stones until 5 in the morning with the Chargers Street Gang and the International Playboys started out as a noneventful Monday. Then there was that nothingspecial Wednesday night when it was too slow for me to work but I decided to stay anyway. Portland’s Fireballs of Freedom were headlining that night… the rest of that story belongs in my diary. More recently, at Casey Cougar’s birthday, I met my favourite rock star of all… just in time too because as of June 28, Chase stopped booking the 620 Pender room. But the good news is he’s still going to be bringing rock to the masses at the new and improved Brickyard. Sarah Rowland

This all-American July 4th, The Nerve Magazine all-cowboy choir is taking on the rough assignment of covering the traveling ‘punkrock’ circus known as Warped Tour. They’ll be the guys in black hats, sticking out like sore thumbs amidst a sea of underage nubility, mid to almost post-pubescent breasts sprouting underneath tight tank tops, merchandise booths and skate boarder teenagers, rocking out to such big top side shows as the Mad Caddies, Rancid, Pennywise, Dropkick Murphys, Suicide Machines and Max Crown’s personal favorite, Andrew W.K (oh, and about 30 other bands). If the adult contemporary super group Genesis is enough inspiration for Pat Bateman to rape and kill women of the night, what would a cover of “Land of Confusion” by a bunch of crazy Swedish metalheads do? Comparing In Flames’ violent deliverance on Trigger to American Psycho doesn’t begin to describe the strange compulsions the five-piece arouse with their music. They bang out fucking heavy, wicked songs, including a brilliant Phil Collins tune. Even if their latest EP doesn’t turn you into a homicidal stockbroker, it might make you show up at the Commodore Monday, July 21st. Cowboy TexAss

It’s Rainin’ Hens!

by Jason Ainsworth

An Interesting Development in the Field of Natural History “Nature’s Vermin” Last issue, you won’t remember, but last issue I sent out an open request for something new in the plastic arts. I wanted all sorts of scummers to mail in some homemade art-jobs, because I am so bored with professional art in this town that I almost can spit blood. It’s so boring! I feel exactly like Alexander the Great when he was pissing and moaning about having no more worlds to conquer.... I have said all there is to say about the moribundity of Vancouver’s art scene and how it’s full of bastards and lovermen. It took two years! Angry, I was so angry that I said, like a fool, “hey gutter-scum, and hobo types, and hookers and crazy messed-up kids with the cripples, and the retardos and other types, snake handlers whatever. Why not send in a Picture! I’ll give you some topdog professional criticism!” And I wasn’t lying! And then NO one sent anything in! And then the other day someone sent something in! I couldn’t believe it! It was an illiterate email from some god-damn punk rocker from North Van, name of “Puke” (I couldn’t make it up!) Typical nihilist, all those types read this magazine. All the music in this thing is all that rock-punk noise. I hate everyone to do with that stupid music. It’s like they don’t even know there’s a new record out from world-famous rapper Fifty Cents, that just never leaves the CD Player in my almost-brandnew 2001 Subaru Sunburst Convertible Cherry-Red automobile classic which I bought, cash, because of my distant ancestor’s brief yet advantageous flirtation with the slavetrade. Money in the bank, that’s Ainsworth, ladies! Ha! I quote “ my brother, who is twelve years old, has sever autoism his is hard for him to comunicate, almost imposilbe. but my MOm got him some paper and he likes to draw. He does not talk alot and he does every picture in black and yellow cause of he was stung by a bee when he just got autouis, i think he was like 5. He does not go to school i’s cool for him but he doesn not do much except he likes drawing. His name is Travis L. and hes a cool kid.” Well. This “Puke” is most definitely a Nerve reader. He spells like a fucking turnip! Gramammer of a turnip! And this is not the Autistic kid! This is the punk-turnip older brother, a turnip!

Still, I concede. The drawing he sent in was pretty cool. All sorts of, I guess, bees, or wasps, flying around, like Spitfires waiting for the kill. Ouch! Ha! Pretty good job for a kid with no real prospects in life. I like the little shape thing in the corner. The thing about Art Brut is that it tells its own story. Don’t need me to fill you in. That’s why the governmental art critics try to keep it down. The rising popularity of Art Brut will put them out of business, sure as eggs are oval. And not before time. Welfare cases! Seems young Travis asked me to tell him a little about bees. He looks up to me in a way, the little urchin. Ha! I did some research about bees. Wow! Natural history is the way to go, like urban music for the mind. It’s a lot more fun than writing about stupid gobs of paint! There is so much I didn’t know about bees! Travis, I know you’re reading this! Open your hole and drink Bee-knowledge straight from the Fountain of Youth! They call them the Thieves of the Jungle, and they aren’t lying. Far from being a cute child’s plaything, the household bumblebee is vicious, larcenous, lazy, manipulative, carnivorous murdering beast with a social system that would make your eyes water! For a long time we thought they made honey, that they stole pollen belonging to humans in order to make us tasty honey, to pay back the humans for keeping everything running. A tasty sweet thank you note to their rightful human overlords. No. I don’t know where they steal their honey from, probably from starving thirdworld farmers who need it bad, but what I do know is that bumblebees are, in fact, meat-eaters. As they have a hive mentality, a whole mess of bees are able to hunt down prey in solidarity. It’s a fact: you’ll always find bones under a beehive. In fact the cuter the animal, the more chance there is of bees coming and taking it away, in a great swarm, and eating it alive and screaming. I did an experiment the other day, and let me say just one thing: it was gone in less than an hour. It was a victim of the Bumblebees. And their houses? Death camps. God knows what goes on in there. In fact, we know what goes on in these beeistic charnel houses. Eugene Dubois or no Eugene Dubois, those bees are practicing slavery, an abomination thought to be out of style for generations. So many little baby bees will never know freedom.

What was that, Mahatma Ghandhi? Oh, Bullshit. Bumblebees are as violent as the moon. They actually have developed a society that rewards violent, antisocial behavior with all-in hardcore sex action and submission games. They have the death penalty. And they aren’t friendly, as little Travis learned, to his misery. They can poison you with a stinger, sting a million times, and they can shoot a dartlike poisoned spike at you from a distance of ten feet. Well, come on, Bees! Come on you pussies! Famous celebrities killed by Bumblenazis include Helen Keller, world famous inventor Nicola Tesla, the guy from the Black Panthers and Crazy Horse. How to Hunt Bees! It’s like when you got a nice pumpkin pie. You finish that pie, no matter how much you want more pumpkin pie you can’t, cause it’s all et. Bumblebees and pumpkin pie have a lot in common! They both have honey in them, and you can sell them, or eat ‘em. The best way to get rid of troublesome bumblebees stealing you pollen and honey is to put a solution of Sulfuric Chromolyde, a few drops will do it, onto each flower you are jealously guarding. Your front yard will look like “Bee”- chenwald Nazi death camp. Guaranteed. I hope you learned as much as I did about Bumblebees. Thanks for reading!

THE NERVE HIT SQUAD King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard Lady Godiva (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Bjorn Olson Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) Jason Wertman The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie Map and Details (a/k/a Art Director) Saturnin The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy TexAss, Mike O, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Dmidtrui Otis, Angela Fama, Billy Hopeless, Dennis Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Jenni Nelson, Michael Mann, Adrian Mack The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) Saturnin Cover Photos: Edwin Jimenez (Killers), Melanie Pullen (Black Keys) Copy Editing Christine Carriere Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) Brad Damsgaard The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First publishing rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to “own” you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, artwork or women. Copyright 2003

508 - 825 Granville St. Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 604.734.1611 www.thenervemagazine.com

Contents Immortal Lee County Killers II The Black Keys eXtremeriderz I Was a Teenage Wangster Best Pic. Memories COLUMNS

It’s Rainin’ Hens Atomick Blast Skate Menace Skate Spot Adrian Mack Hopelessness

p. 11 p. 15 p. 18 p. 8 p. 9 p. 5 p. 7 p. 16 p. 16 p. 7 p. 10

SECTIONS Live Wires Off the Record Alt F4 Straight 8 Puzzle Page Nerveland Smut Ranch Cartoons Nerve Reader’s Survey

p. 13 p. 19-21 p. 24 p. 22-23 p. 24 p. 23 p. 25 p. 9

editor@thenervemagazine.com advertise@thenervemagazine.com

Bibliography Ainsworth, Jesse H. Social Developement of Bumblebees in Captivity. New York: HarperCollins, 1996 Williams, Gary. Deviant Sexuality Amongst Captive and Feral Bumblebee Populations Contrasted. Oxford University Press, 1998 Verrin, Gus. Bumblebees and Other Wildlife in the Bible. Wickliffe, OH: Monetary Science Publishing, 1995 Zimmerman, Adolph. Big Bug Book. London: Penguin Books, 1984 Blowing my own nine-inch horn department. The famous artist Liizah Radforth, operating under an alias due to reasons, has gracefully conceded to let me show a few of my own daubs at her new show. I’m sorry, these paintings would disgust even a foreigner, but I must prove I can walk the talk as well as talk the talk when it comes to sub-par aesthetics. The show will be held at Bukowski’s, not the hippy bar, a rising art-scene bar, okay, on Commercial Drive, curated by Melinda Barker who is gracious to show daubs that would irritate foreigners into a palsy of scream. Try not to miss it! I like the food at Bukowski’s because it sits well in the gut, which is of no small import if you like a little bit of the stuff, okay? It won’t be a hopelessly embarrassing show. Need-for-information corner. Is anything going on in Vancouver’s nude-boxing scene? Drop me a line if you know, please! ainsworth@thenervemagazine.com

by Atomick Pete

Adrian Mack is an Idiot

by Adrian Mack

Funcouver Rock City! Are we going beyond any Funster’s wildest dreams? Vancouver seems to be on the way to do something it hasn’t done in a long time, kick some ass! For the last few months, I have been pinching myself ‘cause it is so unbelievable that I am sure it’s all a dream. Can No Fun City turn around so fast and become the next Montreal? Who knows? But it is definitely taking steps in the right direction. The Olympics: By the time you read this, we will know whether or not Vancouver will get the 2010 Winter Olympics. But this current trend towards fun doesn’t have much to do with the Olympics. A 2-week long lavish party in Whistler 7 years from now won’t have much effect on making Vancouver fun now. Construction workers will have more drinking money in the meantime… but that’s about it. July 4th: Nothing to do with Uncle Sam’s birthday. He’s not your uncle anyway. But starting July 4th, two things that, until

recently, were less likely than an alien invasion, will actually occur in Vancouver. Are you ready? Here we go: bars and clubs open ‘till 4 am, and even more surreal, buses to take your sorry drunken ass home safely after last call!!! King George Puil is dead and buried in manure. Dead is the King! So some bars, pubs and clubs located Downtown and in Gastown will be open till 4 am on Fridays, Saturdays, holiday Sundays and during festivals. Who would have thought that the first city to enjoy the later bar openings in B.C. would be Vancouver? We’ll be partying later than in Montreal, where last call is at 3 am! This is totally wild. 4 am is on a trial basis ‘till the end of September to see if Vancouverites and tourists from Surrey are sophisticated enough to be offered so much booze without burning down the town. So please, behave. There are better ways to have fun than throwing paving stones through windows and punching anything that moves in the face. This warning stands especially for our somewhat out-of-control cops. The VPD has been known for starting riots in the past, so let’s hope they calm down a bit and don’t ruin it for the rest of us. 4 am is great, but it does have its downfalls. It is discriminatory, as not all establishments will enjoy it as the extensions are negotiated on a case-by-case basis. By press time, many establishments still didn’t know if they were granted an extension, although it is taking effect four days from now. “The process is very slow,”

stated one bar manager who requested anonymity. 4 am also only applies to Downtown and Gastown areas, leaving behind other venues such as the Cobalt on Main St., Bukowski’s or the Silvertone on Commercial Dr. although they play a similar role in nightlife. Hopefully, depending on how well the experiment works, this could change in the future. The bus service expansion is very limited (only 4 routes every 30 minutes with no Skytrain) but represents a huge step, considering that it comes from Translink, a corporation that usually specializes in outright dumb decisions. That didn’t come as a miracle out of the blue. Some people got their act together and hammered some grey matter back in the heads of Translink’s directors with just plain common sense. “We went there and just kicked their asses straight” said funster Brad Damsgaard, who along with the rest of the Funcouver campaign folks, the Bus Riders’ Union and MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) trashed a recent Translink Board meeting after which the owl service inauguration was announced. The Death of the Crème de la Creme: This miracle, this dream, this amazing shift from No Fun City to Funcouver stretches well beyond drinking more booze and then puke it on the late night bus and started well before July 4th 2003.

People had been really fed up with retarded and disrespectful politicians but never bothered to vote. That changed last fall. The people finally got up their asses and voted despite the sideway rain and the crème de la crème got booted so hard and got so much manure dumped on them that we haven’t heard anything from them ever since. From that point on, Vancouver has been living a dream beyond any one’s wildest expectations. From the inauguration of D.O.A. Day to the recognition of skateboarders as people, the year round opening of the Public Libraries, the dedication at solving the problems of the Downtown Eastside, the rebirth of a project to turn Carral Street into an entertainment and arts public place and now the recognition of nightlife as part of urban life in Vancouver, we could very well be on the way to what we have always craved at being, a real world class city! To add more to the odds of this happening, as the VPD’s Vice Squad recently threatened to shut down a nude performance show involving body painting and some oral sex, mayor Larry Campbell sure-

ly contributed in silencing those afraid of nature by publicly stating that he didn’t give much of a fuck about the show and that we have to look at it’s artistic merits instead. Puritanism, once institutionalized in Vancouver, just got a major blow, as the vice squad was no show. Some will keep getting in the way: Still, the road to FUNcouver isn’t free of obstacles. Some institutions stubbornly refuse to get with the program and accept what people now want. The police are probably the most willing to do everything possible to mitigate fun. You still won’t be able to go on a picnic on the beach with a bottle of wine, even if you just got married, something you’d expect to be able to in a world class setting. The oasis of freedom that is Wreck Beach is under attack this summer by Mounties with too much time on their hands… who see having a beer in public as an extremely serious mortal sin. Vancouver beaches will also be under repeated raids by mad cops racing around on ATVs just in case some peoples’ idea of fun would differ from flying a kite or playing beach volleyball. The cops have always been vocal opponents to the idea of Vancouverites having any fun past 2 am. They are concerned about more problems with drunk people on the streets. By experience, I believe they will have to deal with less trouble. In the current 2 am situation, you get a beer at last call, which is at 1:50 am, down it, and then you are literally kicked out by often-rude bouncers. That throws hundreds of drunk and frustrated people out into the streets all at once. This is when the trouble begins. With the 4 am situation, what will happen is that the majority of patrons will end up leaving gradually at different hours of their choice, without being frustrated by having their fun brutally cut off. We will see happier people slowly going home throughout the night. It is encouraging to see that our new city council won’t necessarily let the cops decide public policy like the case was before. Change is natural; it is part of any society’s path of evolution. Those who constantly oppose it always end up losing at some point. Vancouver is on a wave that not many can stop and those who keep getting in the way will inevitably end up in the same place as the crème de la crème; silenced under a pile of manure.

here is a deep truth to that old physicist’s riddle concerning an infinity of monkeys given an infinity of time could come up with Hamlet. You could go on to assume that an infinity of monkeys would then pitch their “Hamlet” to an infinity of monkey-driven film studios and that eventually it will be ruined by poor monkey-casting and monkey Hollywood re-writes. Fortunately, this is still a long way off but if you observe modern culture as an extrapolation of this elegant model for the Quantum Universe, then it makes perfect sense that, given enough time, a bunch of monkeys will form a band and cover an old Elton John song and FUCK IT UP. Excuse me, the phone is ringing. “Mr. Mack? We’re calling from the Quantum Universe. We have some bad news.” “Alright.” “Well, it seems that, in your Universe anyway, Nickelback and Kid Rock have teamed up to record a version of Elton John’s “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”. And it’s fucking terrible. You’ll hate it.” “You’re kidding, right?” “No way, man. It blows. It’ll wreck your summer.” You don’t fuck with Elton. You don’t fuck with Elton. I’ll take up arms over this. YOU DON’T FUCK WITH ELTON. Not while I’m still wheezing towards an early death, anyway. This version of “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting”, which I only hear about a hundred times a day, is so fucking bad that it ought to be hunted down and shot. They’ve replaced what Greil Marcus probably called “one long glorious hook” with weird sucking noises and dissonance. They’ve taken out that gorgeous rubbery moog blossom that catapults us into the last chorus and they’ve taken out the live drums. The melody has been quarantined and all its glammy tawdriness lost for good. Christ. And I’ve defended Nickelback because I don’t think they’re all that bad in the general run of things. I respect them for demonstrating to the youth of Hanna, Alberta that there is an alternative to a life of backyard boxing and ritual murder. But they went and put a fucking moustache on one of the greatest songs on earth and one of the great joys in my life. You too, Kid Rock. For shame… Kid Rock once confessed that his knob is a little on the small side. Mine too! That made us brothers. I was moved by his humility and candor. I assumed that his now dead midget was an external metaphor for the source of Kid’s pain, which is the wellspring of his art. He’s lucky really because he has a viable outlet for his rage; whereas I have to just swallow it every time I wave my useless wang in some cackling hooker’s face. Not that I could ever “wave” anything so insubstantial. It’s misleading to even call it a wang as the word suggests heft and sabre-like authority. Wong is more like it. But anyway, you have REALLY blown it Kid. Mercifully, he doesn’t throw down a rap in the middle of the thing but he does fuck with the phrasing, drawing attention to the ludicrous notion that he could tackle the kitchen sink lyrics. As we already know, the Kid is a little short on tackle, but my point is, “Saturday Night’s Alright…” is not a song about Budweiser. It’s a hymn to Tetley’s Bitter. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people, wrong, wrong, wrong – bad monkey casting. You wouldn’t ask, say, Mel Gibson to play Hamlet, would you? You would, Franco Zeffirelli? OK…well then you wouldn’t ask Keanu. Only an infinity of monkeys (in Winnipeg) would do that. Speaking of monkeys, back in 1973, when the world was a glorious fantasia of humping and good drugs, Elton saw fit to crash a Stooges show wearing a gorilla outfit. This scared the fucked-up shit out of Iggy who naturally believed that a real gorilla was trying to sing along to “Gimme Danger” and bolted from the stage in terror. Thus was Elton prevented from signing Iggy to his Rocket Records label and he ended up with the Hudson Brothers instead but, there’s a metaphysical component to this tale. What if Iggy hadn’t been scared off by a gorilla? What if he had ended up working with Elton and not Bowie? It’s a delicious scenario but it didn’t happen. Why? Because it wasn’t meant to. The universe had not turned quantum yet in 1973 and the gorilla suit is the key to this. Why a gorilla suit? Why not a bunny suit, or a big potato? I suppose Elton doesn’t need to dress up at all to look like a big potato but more pointedly, when does one speak of infinite potatoes and their contribution to literature? Elton in a gorilla suit is the work of a God that’s still in charge but sees what’s coming. Now He’s been replaced by things that move faster than light, such as my foot moving through space to connect with the radio whenever I hear that wretched fucking song, and we’re left with that infinity of real monkeys, on earth, right now, making shitty movies and shitty records and really, pissing all over their own reputation when you consider what a triumph their “Hamlet” was.

I was a Teenage Wankster O

ne thing all guys remember is being 13 years old. This is the year we all discovered that in addition to pissing all over bathroom floors, our respective dinks could do a strange one-handed dance. I’d heard them refer to it on Beavis and Butthead (Tipper Gore was right!), and before long I was fucking scared shitless that whatever was coming out of me was going to ruin my mattress. That is when I discovered ‘it’: The Solo Support Group, the 5 Minute Miracle…etc. It has many names. Surprisingly, they all rhyme with ‘haug haug

haug haug haug ungh ungh ungh’. When you’re young, you get excited every time someone turns up the stereo and this leads to many beat-off sessions. But what happens when Baywatch isn’t on? You move on down the list. Sometimes you get desperate. Sometimes you can’t believe what you will stoop to fixate on just to knock one out. Sometimes you get ashamed. Sometimes you make a list about it.

My Top 7 Regretful Beat-off Sessions 7) My “Kind of Chubby” Cousin. All Alabama aside, she wasn’t really that pretty, but it was a really slow Christmas and all I got on the TV in my room was the Nutcracker and some Muppet Movie. Like in Apollo 13, when Tom Hanks was floating in space with the fucked up air filter, he fixed it using what was around him, I like to think of myself as some kind of engineer of sexual frustration. She was the only thing around my age that was in the vicinity, and it’s not like she was in the room with me or anything. I think she got skinnier later on so, if you use quantum physics, I was beating it to a skinny chick. This is why this one is rated lower than the others. 6) The Chicks From Street Fighter 2. There really is nothing lamer then setting up a looping demo of Cammy, the sultry British agent, and Chun-Li, the Asian chick in pantyhose, and pulling to that. Granted, they are wearing practically no clothes, but when a breast is just 12 jugged blue pixels, you really have to squint to even identify it, let alone get turned on by it. 5) The Front of a Fantasy Novel No, not THAT kind of fantasy. It was a Dragonlance novel. I believe it was a painting of a comely maiden placing her gentle hand on a bowing dragons head. The hand was glowing blue, so I’m sure that means she could do some crazy David Copperfield shit in bed. Like I’d be riding her ass like a pony and she’d summon a banshee and start making out with it, all the while freezing her nipples with an ice spell. I think I even had a little storyline made up as well, where we shared some mead at the Inn and the sauntered off to the forest where I show her my ‘Enchanted Longstaff’. 4) Some 1x1.5 Inch Photo of a Chick with Mad Bush My buddy had this picture hidden in the locker we shared, he said was his dad’s. The story was his (alcoholic, abusive) father took the photo in the 70’s of an ex, and hid it behind some photos in an album. Still, I was wary because this guy was known to be a big fucking liar, so I don’t know if this was a true story, or just like the story where he saw the French teacher naked through a window. For all I know it’s a pic of his mom. Whatever, I stole that photo like it was Jesus’ rookie card and took it home for a test drive. But the 70’s crotch-hair the girl was sporting fucking freaked me out and I couldn’t ‘maintain’. After thinking for a while, I got all ‘Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle’ and covered up her beaver with my thumb. If I couldn’t see the Afro pubes of doom, how could I be sure they were there? I had no problems making a loaf to the postage sized viewable area left uncovered. I really have no idea how I did it. It’s right up there with ‘getting laid at 16’. I’m sexually amazing. 3) Bra Section in the Bay Catalogue This, unfortunately, was more recent then I’d like to admit. This is the porn you stumble across while looking for a new freezer or a Discman to play all your burned cds on. You saunter across housewares, skip the men’s section and BINGO, you’re in the last 4 pages of women’s wear: FATBAGS CITY -POPULATION YOU. This was my Koran of Knuckle Shuffling for a good month. First you start with the lacy shit that has the pert nipples and matching briefs. Once that got old, I got kinky and started on the sports bras, that whole amazing cleavage, two-boobs into one big boob scene is kind of a turn on when you’re looking to simplify your sex life. I mean, I have no idea what to do with a female breast, so halving your complexity is just fucking gravy. Unfortunately, like many men, I got too greedy and finally arrived at the ‘freak bras’ page, with the maternity bras and ‘minimizer bras’. That shit scared me off catalogues forever. I have nothing wrong with pregnant

women, but they look way too much like fat chicks. 2) Some Art Teacher I Barely Remembered From 5th Grade We got this french chick in to teach art in my 5th grade class one time. She also taught track, and she would wear these purple spandex shorts that made me feel really funny at a young age. Well, years later, I was searching my mental wank-clo-pedia and she was all I could come up with, I was in a rut. I couldn’t even remember what she fucking looked like save for short black bob and purple track pants. She also really loved Molly Ringwald. I mental-humped her in the library. But it was incredibly unsatisfying, almost as bad as the time I got drunk and let that sad girl pity-beak me. Which is crazy relevant to this list because #1 is.… 1) Really, Really, Shitty Head I had a really bad hair year. I was between growing my locks out to look like Eddie Vedder and realizing my stringy hair looks like shit long. Me and some buds were at this highschool party and one of the hippy girls in my art class was squeezed on a couch with me, talking/hitting-on/sending vibes to my entirelytoo-drunk-to-fuck friend. This girl tried everything short of smelling salts too keep my buddy awake, she tried tickling, putting her bare legs across his lap, and finally draping herself off on him like a meat lampshade. Too-drunk-to-fuck friend finally killed the whole deal when he crawled away to go ralph. Next hippie-chick took solace in complaining about what a dick he was to me. While doing this she was nursing a cooler, and eventually it must have done something to her as she was now complaining with her head in my lap. Before I knew it, she went all Amnesty International on me and dragged me off to the walk-in closet in the parent’s bedroom. She yanked down my pants and told me that she just loved to give blowjobs and how I deserved one for being so ‘sweet’. It was obviously only justification for her because I sure as fuck didn’t need some kind of reason as to why she was going to hang off my shaft like a Christmas ornament. I settled in to what turned out to be the longest, drawn out, most horrible blowjob of my life. She beat on my dink like she was angry at it, her grip was like she was getting ready to pull it off and take it home with her. Her mop of curly hippy hair totally blocked all view of the act and she was making no noise at all, so all there was to focus on was the INTENSE PAIN OF GENITAL MANGLING. It was extreme torture and I have no idea where that girl learned to give beak, maybe in a dungeon or a butcher shop. Maybe she was punishing me for going along with her, maybe she was still angry at Mr. too-drunk-tofuck, maybe she was a feminist, all I know is that when we were interrupted by a classmate, I’d never been so glad to be pants-naked in front of a another dude in my LIFE. Unfortunately, I almost broke into tears again trying to get rid of the chub she left me with. I retreated to the bathroom, only to flop out a barely serviceable boner that looked like it had flesh-eating disease. I don’t know if you’ve ever flogged your soldier when it’s been wounded, but imagine hot needles going into your dick. I had to use a crazy 3-fingered claw grip that looked like I was getting a handjob by an old man with arthritis. Since this was post trauma, all I could think about was the pain I went through and so I had to go ‘Alternate Universe’ style and pretend hippie-chick gave me crazy sloppy hoover porno brain. I eventually got a good enough rhythm that I managed to knock out a weak one, but it was definitely the worst wank I’ve ever had. Any sexual encounter you walk away from with open sores on your tackle is BAD NEWS. El Rizzy

Now that Steve Chase is movin’ Fireball Productions’ home base from The Pic to The Brickyard, I thought I would ask people:

“What is your favourite memory from The Pic?”

by Casey Cougar

Betty Pic Door lady “The Pic???”

Louise The Rumours “When The YoYo’s played at Fireball Freakout 2000!”

Robert Dayton. Canned Hamm / Terminal City: “I’ve blacked out there a lot of the time but I’ve always enjoyed going downstairs; harassing bands from out of town. Maybe you could get a better account from one of my friends.”

Joe Hi-Test / Gung Hos: “I was working the door the night Captured by Robots and the Causey Way played. I refused to let Mike Usinger (Georgia Straight music editor) in because he showed up late; it was already full!”

Billy Hopeless: “The night The Black Halos Played there and we stole a Spuds McKenzie lamp. We drew Paul Stanley’s make up on one eye and Gene Simmins’ on the other and a Kiss Army logo on the chest. It was a “fixture” in my house for a while!”

Jonny Swenson “When I was in The Malcom Young Cult and we opened for The Spitfires - No, no no - when The Tight Bros from way-back-when played!”

(just circle the letter) 1. What is your age group? a. 0-18 b. 19-25 c. 26-35 d. 36 and older

2. What is your level of Education? a. grade 10 or lower b. grade 12 c. some post secondary d. college or university degree Fat Chris The sound man from the Pic begged us for a line of coke one night in the band room. We gave him drywall dust. He pretended it was coke and we pretended it was coke. Did I just say that out loud???”

Jay Millette Black Halos / Spitfires When The Immortal Lee County Killers II played. I got shitfaced and had a good time.” CC: “So, business as usual, Jaylo?” JM: “Yeah, and you can quote me on that!”

Nerve Reader Survey

3. What is your gender a. female b. male c. other 4. How much money do you spend on music a month? (i.e. cd’s, records, 8 tracks) a. 0-$25 b. $25-$45 c. $45-$60 d. $60+ 5. How often do you go out per week? (i.e. bars, movies, clubs) a. 0-1 b. 2-3 c. 4-5 d. every night if I can 6. How much money do you spend on booze per week? a. 0-$20 b. $20-$40 c. $40-$60 d. $60+ 7. Do you smoke cigarettes?

Dave Royal Grand Prix “When The King Brothers from Japan played!” Luke Meat Music Director/host of “A Noise” on 101.9 FM CITR: “Either when Stink Mitt and Pangina played or going downstairs and getting high with my girlfriend’s high school drama teacher!”

Kick “A Human Resistance Program show where the drummer was set up backwards - a screwey change of pace.” Rachel student/server @ Pic “Partying after-hours at the Pic. being soo wasted and getting dragged outta the bathroom. That’s my favorite partial memory!”

Trisha: “The night Frog Eyes played and they had the facial steamer full of booze!”

Sarah Efron Journalist “When I played (bass) in The Organ and we opened for The Soledad Brothers and The Vun Bondies!”

a. yes b. no c. only when I’m drinking 7. Do you smoke marijuana? a. never b. occasionally c. almost every day d. as often as I can 8. Where do you get your Nerve? a. bar/club b. retail shop c. restaurant/coffee house d. top of friend’s toilet

Melissa Starr The Rumours “The night we played there and Louise split her pants. Chuckie took them home for a souvenir!”

Frank Rumbletone Productions “When The Hatebombs played about a year ago the guitar player was on the bar, the bass player on top of a table and the drummer was marching through the audience. A complete rock and roll spectacle of the grandest scale!”

9. Do you skateboard? a. yes b. no 10. Do you play an instrument? (i.e. guitar, drums, piccolo) a. yes b. no c. only when I’m drinking 11. Do you drive? a. yes b. no 12. Do you own a car? a. yes b. no c. yeah, but it’s on blocks in the back yard. Mail, e-mail (1.a, 2.b, 3.c etc) or drop off your survey to: The Nerve, 508 – 825 Granville St., Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9, editor@thenervemagazine.com and enter to WIN an amazing prize pack of cds, t-shirts and stickers form labels such as Fat Wreck, Epitaph and Union Label Group.

by Billy Hopeless

ell originally I was going to steal an idea from an old SCTV skit and interview myself (how are we doing? you tell us and we’ll both know) but then I thought, ‘hey, why not let my niece Destiny have a go at it, Thus, giving her something to take to elementary school after summer’s over.’ See, she’s twelve-years-old and has taken up guitar (she plays an evil sounding rendition of “Hell’s Bells”). But she needs a mike to record her compositions so she made a deal with Uncle Hopeless, and as promised, came up with the following questions entitled: Every thing you never wanted to ask Billy Hopeless but would do for a microphone! Let the interrogation begin!!! Destiny: Why did you break up the Widows? Billy: I really love the music that was written with the Widows and all the people who were involved are great unique musicians, who I admire, but it just seemed so hard to get it moving and keep it going in the direction and speed I wanted it to. See, I have nothing else I want to do besides play music and when it becomes a struggle or doesn’t feel right I’d rather walk away than have it be a drag. It’s hard to find the right combination of people, let alone a group that is willing to work towards the same goal and can tour/survive touring, but it’s incredible when you do! Destiny: OK, so what made you start up the Black Halos again? Billy: First of all, it was a group effort. The timing just seems right and besides after touring for so long with a band you kinda become like family, having Rob [Zgaljic] back drumming with the Widows and seeing Jay [Millette] or Chad [CC Voltage of the Spitfires] drinking at clubs always made me happy. It’s kinda like the last episode of Seinfeld, where yah look around the room and say, ‘Wow, there’s someone who can stand me!’ I remember how when we played the then called “last show” at the Commodore, I didn’t want to quit and it seemed like a lot of people didn’t want us to either. I guess we just kinda needed a break. Destiny: What would be the perfect vacation for you? Billy: Actually, I’m getting it by going to Spain on July 2 with the Halos to play a festival opening for Danzig! I just recently went to Disneyland so both those are hard to beat, but I want to go to Japan real bad!! Destiny: When is you’re next all-ages show? Billy: Who knows? First, we have to see how things go with the show in Spain and a following show in England, but just like Peter Pan asking you to help keep Tinkerbell alive, I’m telling you kids to call up your local radio stations, request the Black Halos and ask them when we’re playing! I’ve always had the best times at all-ages shows… like G.G. Allin said: “Expose yourself to children!”

Destiny: Are you planning on recording with the Black Halos? Billy: Like I just said, it depends on how it goes but I hope so. I’m constantly writing songs and I’ve got a few that I’d really love to hear what some real musicians could do with ‘em. Humming just doesn’t do them justice! Destiny: Why do you have the name Hopeless? Billy: My brother originally had the name tagged on him in elementary school. They even had a day in his honour called, ‘Beat-up Hopeless Day!’ So when I went to the same school, it was instantly proclaimed that there was a new Hopeless and thus they had ‘Beat-up Hopeless days!’ Somehow the name stuck even after I started fighting back and then I found punk rock and the name became a proud middle finger to wave instead of a cross to bear. I’ve still got an elementary school autograph book in which a girl named Lisa Griffith wrote, ‘I hope you drown in your own blood, Billy Hopeless,’ complete with a stick man diagram of me doing just that. Hey Lisa, I’m still swimming! Destiny: Do you consider yourself famous? Billy: Naw, loved by some, hated by some, I’m just Billy Hopeless. But hey I guess I did have a day named after me so maybe I was. I’m hoping to become legendary like the White Spot platter! Destiny: If you could choose three punk bands to tour with, who would they be? Billy: Well, I don’t think she’s really punk… they tell me she is and even though she doesn’t know who I am, she says she’s with me… so I’d probably have to choose Avril. Just to show her how really complicated things can be! But actually, I don’t know, I just like touring with people that are fun and cool to hang out with so let’s say D.O.A. ‘cause they’re always a great bunch and the Misfits ‘cause Jerry Only is one of the coolest and most giving people I’ve met in rock! Destiny: What 5 bands do you think are the worst? Billy: There’s so many to choose from but they’re all the same bands with interchangeable names. Let’s just say if there number one with a bullet chances are they’re number one with the bullshit! Destiny: What do you do more often skateboard or long board? Billy: Right now, neither, as I’m still getting over breaking my leg and the road to recovery is long after you’ve kissed it that hard but I’m sure I’ll be back on deck as I’ve been doing it since I was twelve and I really miss it right now! Destiny: OK, so you haven’t forgot about our deal right? Billy: Naw, you did a great job. As soon as I get paid for this, I’ll get you your mike!

Immortal Lee County Killers II Alabama’s Most Wanted pic: Daniel Coston

ot since Mick, has a former economics major made deconstructing de Delta blooze seem so damn sexy. Chet “El Cheetah’ Weise of the Immortal Lee County Killers has the soul, the lips, and the scholastic credentials to be the next Jagger. But that’s where the similarities end. Unlike the knighted one, he doesn’t have a Keith, Ronnie or even a Bill. Furthermore, Weise isn’t riding the wave of any British invasion. Instead, he’s surfing the crest of the swampy sounds of the Mississippi, where stripped down bluesy rock duos are hotter than the infamous river in midJuly. “Where we live in Auburn, Alabama; it’s a little isolated,” says Weise, who is the guitarist and frontman for one of Estrus Records’ most explosive acts. “So when the Killers started, I seriously did not think there were very many two-pieces out there and I thought it was going to hold us back.” All that changed when “Fell in Love with a Girl” cracked the top 40. In fact, you can’t open a rock rag without being temporarily blinded from the glare of Jack White’s skintight red patent leather pants. Yet, this southern man is not worried about any kind bandwagon syndrome ruining his good thing. “The White Stripes and now the Black Keys have kind of blown it open,” says Weise in a charming (authentic) drawl from a recording studio just outside of his hometown. “The comparison I use is that Elvis Presley certainly didn’t invent rock ‘n’ roll, but he did blow it up to the masses and I think those particular duos have kind of introduced the idea of duos to the masses.” Although Weise has always been in rock ‘n’ roll bands, it wasn’t until he hooked up with his second ILCK II percussionist that he decided to drop out of the Ph.D. economics programs at University of Auburn, quit his day job as a teacher and take his highly educated ass on the road with his musical soul mate and drummer J.R.R. “the Token One”, who, incidentally, is nothing like Charlie Watts. Anyone who has seen the Token One onstage knows that he is almost a show unto himself. Decked out in his car salesman polyester suits, he turns his drum kit into a pulpit, preaching the ILCK II gospel. Pointing his stick at the crowd, he demands they testify to his church by screaming, “Hell ya” and then he nods to the heavens above as if to say, “You see, that’s how it’s done.” “Playing good music is part of what puts on a good show,” explains the Token One, who is surprisingly soft-spoken off stage (for the first part our phone conversation.) He speaks languidly through a thick Alabama accent as he pulls on his cigarette. “Acting like a monkey is the other part and we try to keep those in good balance.” Watching these two play live, one can’t imagine there would be room for any more personality on stage. Besides, less is better when you’re flirting with the swampy sounds of soul. That is not to say that playing in a duo doesn’t have its musical margins.

“We may not be able to get away with a guitar solo that lasts several bars because there’s not a bass beneath it that’s keepin’ things interesting,” says Weise. “But with a two-piece, we can do a lot more [with] dynamics. J.R. and I can take a song down to literally no volume or a whisper and then all of a sudden, the next beat can just hit full force and it’s very hard to do that with multiple people in a band.” There are other benefits to being a twosome. For instance, when they’re on the road, there is half the gear to load in and out, twice the beer to drink and virtually no interband politics. Weise remembers how some of the tensions that would fester before bubbling over in his previous band, the Quadrajets, a band that the Token One played in as well. “We were five guys who played together for seven years and it was like a family and anyone who’s lived with their family for a long time knows that that baggage just builds up and builds up and sooner or later things start to explode,” recalls Weise. “Even though you love the other people, it ends up being too personal or something and that definitely happened with the Quadrajets. People were allying with one another on different issues. With J.R. and I, of course we don’t see eye-to-eye 100 per cent, but at least we don’t gang up on one another.” O n e gimmick they didn’t agree on was the Token One’s heavyweight belt routine. At the end of each set, he would come from behind his kit, heist his trophy over his head and dare every muthafucka to get in the ring with the Killers. Weise admits that it was funny… for a couple of tours. “His idea behind it was that he was going to make me one too and we were going to come out as the rock ‘n’ roll heavy weight tag-team champions and that’s just not my style,” laughs Weise. However, according to the Token One, he retired the belt for other reasons. “Nobody came forward to issue a challenge,” he says, morphing into his character as a snake oil salesman selling his cure-all tonic from town to town. “They know the Killers are the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band on the face of God’s green earth,” A slight exaggeration, maybe, but their latest album, Love is a Charm of Powerful Trouble, is worth most of Token One’s bravado. Just like their debut LP, The Essential Fucked up Blues, their sophomore CD burns through all preconceived notions of how blues and punk should be played, especially in the slide guitar slaying of “Shitcanned Again”. However, with their latest effort, the Alabama gents take their time… as if they don’t have as much to prove. Instead of the relentless delivery of extremely distorted blues bluster, as heard on their former album with tunes like the hilarious “Big Damn Roach”, the Killers churn out songs such as the slow and grinding version of Otis Redding’s “That’s How Strong My Love Is.” What Weise lacks in vocal range, he makes up for with the heat of his summer’s-eve-on-a-dilapidatedfront-porch-guitar-playing.

“This second record, we kind of set everyone up for a sucker punch,” says Weise about their decision to bring gospel into the mix with a cover of “What are They Doing in Heaven Today” by Charles Tindley. “After that first record, all we had to do was put a couple of acoustic songs on there and that kind of changed the whole deal.” Currently, they’re laying down tracks for their side project for Reservation Records in a bona fide studio, something the Killers have never done. One half will be live cuts and the other will be the polished product of modern engineering. “We haven’t really used the studio as a tool,” says Weise. “We haven’t done our equivalent of a St. Pepper’s album yet. If we end up adding a second guitar overdub, that will be revolutionary for us.” Whatever recording wizardry they end up using on future albums, or even if they decide to head back to the sticks to record in an abandoned moon shining shack, loyal ILCK II fans know that the best way to experience the Killers is live, a fact that the Token One wants to you to realize, recognize and open your eyes to.

by Sarah Rowland

“All you readers at The Nerve, you just come on down and you’ll get to see what true entertainment is all about because after all the blood has shed and all the sweat’s fallen, everybody’s gonna see that the Killers are not just some flash in the pan kind of band. We’re not trying to blind you with smoke and mirrors,” he attests with the conviction of a man who’s still trying to push his miracle medicine on the side of the road to dirt-poor hillbillies. “They used to say that the Ringling Brothers in the Barnam & Bailey circus were the greatest show on earth… well… it’s not anymore. The Killers are the greatest show on earth. And I’m sure you’ve all heard those KISS albums, where it’s like, ‘You wanted the best, well you got he best.’ Well, that band is the Lee County Killers. Gene Simmons called me himself and told me just other day….” And he’s off…. He may not have the demeanor of Watts, but if you’re lucky, the Killers will open their Sunday, July 27 show at the Brickyard with their rippin’ rendition of “Sympathy for the Devil.”

“Playing good music is part of what puts on a good show... acting like a monkey is the other part and we try to keep those in good balance.” The Token One

v i L

s e ir

W e

Black Rice Bullbucker @the Brickyard June 21sr, 2003

Recently returning from a Canadian tour, the Rice were back cookin it up in full form, debuting some wicked new songs for the sweaty, over steamed patrons of the Brickyard. These guys move like men possessed on stage, constantly in motion with the stop/start, dramatically jagged rhythms. 50’s era guitar, 70’s grooves, and some incredibly creative force that makes music that, overall, sounds like nothing that came before it. The small crowd seemed captivated by this band, either intoxicated and lost in front of the stage, or standing, heads moving, fixated on the band. BullBucker, on the other hand, almost completely cleared the bar while they played. There must have been 30 or more people standing just OUTSIDE the bar for most of their sloppy, car crash victim punk rock. I didn’t mind them that much, they are what you’d expect from a band called ‘BullBucker’, but they definitely weren’t talented and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a worse or more disgraceful Misfits cover than their little rendition of “Bullet”. HellBent

Power Clown Evilive Tard @ the Brickyard Friday June 6, 2003 This was the 1st show for Vancouver’s Tard and, what a “special” show it was. Tard look, sound and act like people who are mentally retarded, which I suppose might just border on offensive, but damn they were hilarious. Musically, Tard are reminiscent of Mortician, with a bit of Napalm Death and a mix of other brutal death/grind core mixed in. The stage show was nothing short of amazing; sweat pants, bike helmets, rubber boots, diapers, and a grand finale of a sponge bathe with a nurse doing the bathing and a prosthetic penis/hotdog thing that shot out mustard. If anyone out there thought the South Park episode with “Timmy” was funny, then Tard is right up your alley. Amazing debut. Flawless Victory. Evilive is a kickass Misfits tribute band which, in my opinion is better than the real thing. Faster, heavier and way more aggressive than the classic original. Fake blood and outfits that mirror the original. They kick ass. What else is there to say? If you don’t know what the Misfits sound like than well, too bad. Power Clown came headlined the show. It’s been quite awhile since these Clowns have taken the stage in Vancouver… what a show. Dixie did his usual grabbing of chests,

but it wasn’t too appreciated tonight. Other than a little violence, it was a wicked show. Everyone singing along with Maiden classics, (or is it Power Clown classics that Maiden ripped off?) The Brickyard was packed and the mosh pit was intense. Gigs like this actually make the scene seem alive when you see hundreds of people all having a good time and singing along. Again, what else could I say about the way Power Clown sound? Ever heard of Iron Maiden? Yes, that good. Stefan Nevatie

P.U.C.K. Josh Martinez The Drunken Arseholes The Cobalt June 4th, 2003 pic: Pot-C

accapella, beat-poetry diatribe against the USA which provoked a very enthusiastic response from rappers and punks alike. It was well after midnight when rap-rock-punk funk-metal hicks, P.U.C.K., took the stage. The sevenpiece is a full band with 2 DJ’s and 3 rappers who have provoked several nights of mayhem in the past at the Cobalt. As soon as the band exploded into their first song the pit went nuts with pissed up punks slamming like it was a Dayglo’s show. P.U.C.K. only rocked harder and rained beer down on the crowd as the mob grabbed and clawed at them, threatening to pull them all into the pit. Rapper Pot-C doused one belligerent fucker with an entire pitcher of beer before finally having to smite him across the forehead with a beer mug. Within seconds, the entire stage and pit was covered in beer, broken glass, and enough blood to choke a vampire. Truly dangerous rock and roll. DJ’s Cheese, and Mar rocked the turntables with skill and precision, definitely not the gratuitous scratching found in most rap-rock outfits, but part of the band, interacting seamlessly with the hard drumming Kenny-K. At one point, the band dropped out and in a true display of “keepin’ it real” the DJ’s phased a Zeppelin break live while rapper Longjohn spun a brew soaked tale of life in the boonies of British Columbia. Backpatcher tested, backpacker approved. Anyone who was lucky enough to be there (and be able to remember it the next day) was treated to a very unique night in Canadian hip-hop. J. Pee Patchez

Sack Blabbath Highway Star @ Studebaker’s Saturday May 31st, 2003

the draw that Sack Blabbath usually has, I was surprised and disappointed that there weren’t very many people. Highway Star did Deep Purple note for note. They even looked like D.P. My only complaint with Highway Star was that they didn’t seem overly energetic, but then again, D.P. was never all that rowdy anyway. One thing I thought was pretty weird was the keyboardist kept jumping off stage and running to the washroom. Hmm, I could speculate on what he was doing, but for legal reasons I’m not gonna guess. Overall, a wicked job musically, but H.S. could have jumped around or seemed a little more lively. Oh, and of course, they finished with Smoke on The Water. Sack Blabbath’s stage entrances are becoming increasingly entertaining. This particular evening they had music from the Omen movies, smoke machines and black hooded robes as they approached the stage, which was decorated with fake tombstones and a couple huge crucifixes. I really don’t know how any reader of this mag wouldn’t know what Black Sabbath sounds like, so I won’t try to explain Sack Blabbath’s sound too much. Imagine Black Sabbath with a drummer who uses more double bass drumming and an overall increase in the heaviness of the songs and you’ll know what S.B. sounds like. Denton, S.B.’s lead vocalist, does a wicked Ozzy impression, vocally and theatrically, except, obviously, not as old and decrepit. Lots of tripping over mike cables, drunken mumbling, jumping around and crazy facial expressions and hand gestures. S.B. also do some Sabbath that featured Ronnie James Dio, which is pretty cool, but weird for a pre-Ozzy show. And they also played “Over the Mountain” for me, (it pays to request a song millions of times). Excellent set, super high energy, and again, too bad it wasn’t packed. Stefan Nevatie

The night before Ozzy, and all through Studebaker’s not a whole lot of people were stirring. Stude’s is a big place, and considering

Backpackers descended in to the realm of the backpatchers as the Cobalt hosted their first ever all hip-hop night. It was a night to not be able to remember for the rap fans brave enough to come to the ‘Balt, and punks drunk enough to stay there, as P.U.C.K. (Previously Unknown Canadian Kids), Josh Martinez, and the Drunken Arseholes RIPPED SHIT UP! If the packed house wasn’t enough indication that this night was going to be classic Cobalt, the puke soufflé already covering most surfaces of the men’s can was. The team of DJ Moves and rapper, Cee!!, (no, that is not a typo, you have to say it loud and fast) stormed the stage and it was obvious right away that this guy has some rabid followers. The front packed up, the place started jumping and singing along to a hyper and extremely intoxicated Cee!!. If you are as bored as I am with today’s hip hop, Cee!! Is a revelation. His East Coast accent comes through thick and strong as he rocks the most bizarre style this side of Kool Kieth. The beats provided by DJ Moves were the perfect engine, incorporating sampled banjos one minute and Popeye records the next. By the time Cee!! had freed himself from his trousers and sprayed the whole place down with beer, we were sorry it had to end. Next up was Josh Martinez, and this time he left the DAT at home and debuted his new backing band, the Pips. The stripped down beats of the drummer on a 3-piece kit, and a lone bass player provided a great backdrop for Martinez to flow his clear, concise rhymes over. His performance climaxed with an

The Black Keys

by Cowboy Texass

Bust out the Blues... big time

The Nerve Magazine managed to catch up with the two-man band from Akron, Ohio, the Black Keys, after their show at the Orpheum. It was difficult trying to make the duo talk. Dan Auerbach, the bearded, soft spoken vocalist/guitarist and a man of few words, seemed exhausted from the performance. His lanky counterpart, drummer Patrick Carney, seemed distant and distracted, anxiously awaiting the end of my questioning as he was being strangely drawn towards the bright lights of the Virgin Megastore – but we slugged through an interview nonetheless. The Nerve: How did you like playing in a big, fancy, symphony room? Dan: That place was beautiful… N: You looked a little lonely up there though, just the two of you… Patrick: Yeah, it’s a little awkward playing in big places, but its fun in theatres. It’s awkward playing the stadiums, open amphitheatres… the sun is in your eyes, or hockey pucks flying... D: The phantom hockey pucks... N: Ok, so this issue is a tribute to two pieces… So my first question is ‘Why?’ Why are there only two of you? Can’t you get along with anyone else? Polite laughter is followed by awkward silence… P: Uh… No, actually. No. We have a low tolerance for other people… like that guy over there with his shirt off, we hate him. D: He looks like the singer from Sum 41 in forty years. P: No, we just never found anybody… when we were forming a band and started playing, we didn’t know anyone playing the bass and then it got to a point where we were already playing music and just got used to it being the two of us. N: You manage to pull off the sound of poor black men from the Mississippi with incredible ease, how do you do it? D: Cuz we got half of that part down, we’re poor… as hell… P: We’re actually about to enter a new tax bracket. Last year, we didn’t have to pay taxes at all, now this year… uh, well, we made so little that well, we’re not gonna pay taxes this year either. We’re lower middle class now. N: Well, does Akron, Ohio breed the blues? D: No… it breeds, um… Y’know Devo? They’re from Akron. P: Chrissie Hynde, the Pretenders, them too… D: Devo’s a blues band.

P: They used to be in blues bands. Blues cover bands. N: Let’s talk about your influences then… What inspires you guys to play? D: A lot of blues music. When I first started playing with Pat, I was teaching myself how to play guitar and I was really listening to blues, so that’s definitely the basis for what I know musically on that instrument. But all kinds of stuff influence me. P: I like rock n roll. I grew up listening to soul, but the only rootsy music I like is Gary Young songs, like “Plantman” N: You guys do a cover of the “Have Love Will Travel” on your new disc… D: Yeah, Sonics version, we love the Sonics. When we first went on tour, we had a Sonics album that we listened to a lot. N: You’ve got some similar sounding stuff on the disc, is that influence or just coincidence? D: Yeah, they’re just playing R&B blues music… P: But they’re also retarded D: Yeah, just blaring it out… P: Love that stuff. Are they still popular here, being so close to Tacoma? N: Alright, here it comes, the White Strokes question... P: (laughs) We like the Different Strokes… N: White Stripes, Black Keys, what’s going on here? Is your name a take on that, some kind of antithesis of them? Break it down, ditch the matching costumes, what…? Two bluesy rock duos coming out around the same time… D: I like them. P: It had nothing to do with them. I hadn’t even heard of them till people started comparing us to them. D: I dunno. P: I don’t care. I like the White Stripes. N: What do think of this whole wave of bands, the Heaves, White Strokes… the new rock movement of sorts? P: What movement? D: I don’t think it’s really even hit MTV. It’s still rap and r & b… more so than any of that shit. P: We got on TRL… N: What’s that? P: The prime, afternoon, highest grade MTV show. D: They do like a top ten countdown. P: They accidentally played our video yesterday. They were going to debut the Black Eyed Peas record and they played our video, front to back, with a million people watching. A million people now think we’re the Black Eyed Peas. No more White Stripes comparisons, its all Black Eyed Peas now. N: How did you get on this tour? Did Beck ask for you? D: Yeah, he heard our album and liked it, and he invited us on tour. P: The thing is though, the album I gave him had all these subliminal messages that we put on there… No he asked us to do it. I met him a few times when I was in high school. He played the Saturday Night Live show, and we were playing New York with Sleater-Kinney and we got invited to a party… sorta, I mean, we snuck in, but he was at this after party and we kinda like gave him the CD.

D: We roughed him up… P: One of our friends ate his hamburger… N: Let’s talk about the crossroads. P: What crossroads? N: Y’know, the ole crossroads of blues legend, makin’ deals and playin’ guitar with the devil at midnight, selling your soul for talent and fame… D: No, we drive at midnight to the next show. P: We shout at the devil. D: No, we haven’t sold our soul for rock n roll yet. Not yet. But that’s just because there’s some contractual… our record label Fat Possum is working on the contract, our lawyers are workin’ on it, and once we get a few more details straightened out… N: Any crazy road stories? P: Not really, but last time we were here we stayed at a hostel, across from the Pic… and there was this guy staying there, always on the smoking deck, and we got up in the morning and he was smoking this tennis ball of weed, we left for the day, and it was down to the size of a marble… and he was so high, he was out of his mind high, sitting there about how he has this on/off switch in his hand, and we were freaked out and locked ourselves in our room… We saw some ninjas on cell phones in Missouri – all in black, funny ponytail, swords, down to the ninja socks with the cutout big toes... and he was calling on his cell phone. He was calling Master Splinter or something. N: Ask yourself a question and then answer it. What do you want the world to know about the Black Keys? P: Like, choose your own adventure? Oh, I know a question we never get asked… “Why just two people?” Oh wait… N: Is there anybody that you admire that you want to play with? P: Diamond Dave! D: Isn’t he here next week? (Way too excited chatter about David Lee Roth ensues…) P: I’m gonna put you on the spot now. What’s one question you’d like to ask us that you’re afraid to ask? N: What’s next for the Black Keys? P: Can I go into football player sports talk for a minute? We’ll do locker room, post show talk here. We’re just gonna go out there and do what we do best. Give it a 110%. Try to be aggressive D: Work more as a team… P: Stay focused… D: We’re here for the fans! P: We know that one show won’t make or break a season, so… hopefully if things go right, we’re gonna end up getting our own sandwich at McDonalds. We’re gonna get the Black Keys Deep Freeze… Thickfreakness [Black Keys’ latest CD] Corn Dog… What’s the most popular band from Vancouver? N: What? Are you interviewing us now? SpreadEagle! Nerve Records. Check it out… P: Alright, send it to us in Akron.

The Black Keys will be in Vancouver Thursday, July 17 at Sonar. 15

M e e t n a a k ce S Cleaning Out The Closet Skate Sites If you’re into surfing the web at all, I would like to suggest a few good websites to wile away a rainy day. The best local site I’ve found for skateboarding is www.sk8itup.com. This site is primarily a connection for parents and organizers to contact sk8itup industries. This local company runs how-to clinics and will build ramps for events. They also throw contests every once in a while. What really makes this site good is the message board. Even though I rarely post, there are some good discussions and great flames that run on that board. It’s also an informative site with posts relating to upcoming events. Take a break and check out the message board it always entertains. Tell Kevin Kelly that The Menace sent ya! A great skate site that is based out of Seattle is www.sleastak.net. This site has everything you want in a skate site; news, articles, QuickTime videos, pics, links, forum, and the best damn skatepark listing this side of the American Mid East. Sleastak’s skatepark listing is considered the most comprehensive, unbiased, no bullshit park listing online. If a park sucks, they tell ya it sucks. If the park rules they tell ya why, when to go and how to get there. The site is non-profit and is basically run by one man: Bobcat. The only support he gets is by selling t-shirts and beer cozies with the logo on it. So go to the site, check the articles, post on the board and buy a shirt so the site can keep on truckin!! Bowl Series This year, just like the past 7, the Vancouver bowl series is happening. The long running event is being carried along on the backs of local skaters and companies. With the demise of The Boarding House, The NV Locs have taken this event into their hands. I can’t think of better people to take this legacy into the far, far future. The series lasts all summer with events all over the lower mainland and ending in Whistler on Aug 24. The scene is mellow and events usually get started in the early afternoon (around 1pm). So come early if you want to practice some lines. Even if you don’t skate this is one of the best ways to spend an afternoon. See ya there!! (check out SKATE SPOT on this page for dates and locals Ed.) TIPS: Bring some food, a chair, a tube of sunscreen, and more than enough BEER. There is always a thirsty friend to be made. New Strathcona Park Vancouver’s city engineers finally laid the second layer of asphalt at the Strathcona park. It sat waiting for the entire winter. It was torture. I would go by the park at least once a month and check to see if it was done yet. Now we have a small skate spot on the way from China Creek to downtown. This is a great place for a park. Imagine if you will… a session at China then skate through the industrial area hitting the Maverick bank, then a session at Strathcona park. In the future, we will be able to continue on down to the Georgia viaduct park, but for now we can continue straight toward the Hot Spot and the rest of downtown. There are good days ahead for Vancouver skaters. DC Video After two years of filming DC shoes has

released its first video. The Vancouver premiere was at the Vogue Theatre on June 24. Forgive me if I don’t list every skater and every trick but man the level of skating in this video stunned me. Some standouts include Rob Dyrdek, Colin Mckay, Stevie Williams and Danny Way. He turned the table like every skater would like to. Kick me out? Talk to ‘Big Black’. Big Black is a huge black man that has some serious intimidation factor. Colin’s part was technically beautiful. Switch this - trick that - spin, spin, land. He had a shoulder injury so his part was tragically small, but what it lacked in volume it made up for in quality. Anything I could say about Stevie wouldn’t do his style justice… just see the video. Danny Way killed it. He showed the Guinness book of records stunts and then proceeded to rip the vert skating world a new one. Huge floating 360 flips to fakie on vert. Imagine pulling a thirty-foot high backside air - and land it. The ramp would look so small. Danny made it look - not easy - but good, he made thirty-foot airs look stylish. Check out this video. At this point I would like to make a correction from last month’s article. The photo credits were given to me when they should be given to: Bobcat from sleestak.net

ate S p

Gone Bowlin’

hat time of year has arrived, when all the peeps and homies put away their differences, pull out their tallboys and forget that street skating is oh so right now. The Bowl Series was started in 1995 by John Raimondo of the Boarding House and is now organized by Seb Templer, Big Jay Wainwright, “Cuz” Perry, and Troy Blackmore. Last year’s series was marred by drinking and cursing, but this year, look for drinking and cursing. Look out for last year’s Depended Chimp - er, Defending Champ - Mr. Stevie Denham. Other top contenders for the crown have to include Sluggo and Chalmers, the underestimated Johnny B, Shane Hunter, and Dave Boyce. Several of these rid-

t o

ers have been known to turn tricks while going both ways. It should be noted that Mr. Raimondo has recently been witnessed doing units (540 inverts) in the death end of Hastings bowl. —————————————————— Bowl Series dates: Seylynn Tues, July 1st noonish Griffin Sun, July 13th twelvish New West Sun July 27 siesta-esque White Rock Sun Aug 10 lunchtime Whistler Sun Aug 24 midday ————————— Seb’s Random Story #1: Last year in Whistler, there was a rider who wouldn’t stop for the contest. He was barging around during people’s runs and getting in the way. This had been going on for some time when a local named Obe decided to intervene. He confiscated the guy’s board and threw it in the river. Little has been seen of the offender since. Moral: The lesson here is to pay attention to all rules and to wear clean socks and underwear at all times. The Bowl Series thanks its multiple sponsors and anyone who contributes, and notes that the sponsor list consists of skater-owned and operated skate shops and people who are in the industry. Seb’s Random Story#2: Last year at Seylynn the police showed up but proceeded to do nothing in an official fashion. Moral: The lesson here is that if you’re going to do nothing, make sure to wear a uniform as your union will ensure a competitive salary. A gun is nice as well. —————————— Skate Spot Playmate of the Month: Stevie Denham Blood type: Blue (last year’s King of the Bowls) Hatched: East Vancouver Incubated: China Creek Adult Habitat: Hastings Park, ass-orted parks, tha streets Sponsorage: Think flow through S+J. Comments: “loving the concrete vert!!!” Siskel: “Two thumbs up ! One of the most underrated skaters in the city!” Stalin: “Is good on flipping magic rolling board, yes?” —————————————————— A Final Note: Word on the street is that Cooper’s Park (the Cambie bridge spot) is now completed. Thanks to the City of Vancouver and to Jesse Oye for getting some stuff done. I love the new Parks Board and would like to offer them a collective hug. No fact checking ever accompanies the Skate Spot, so go see for yerself whether it exists or not. -D-Rock and Miss Kim. Email us at downspace@telus.net. Websites at both vspc.ca and downspace.com are now in effect.

FREE

Epitaph Goodie bag with the purchase of any Epitaph, Hellcat or Burning Heart cd.

PENNYWISE "Land of the Free" Division Of Laura Lee "Black City" MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK "I am the Movie"

HOT WATER MUSIC "Caution"

DROPKICK MURPHYS "Black out"

RANCID "And out come the Wolves"

Turbonegro "Scandinavian Leather"

TRANSPLANTS PUNKORAMA Vol. 4

DEATH BY STEREO "Into the VAlley of Death"

ABBOTSFORD Seven Oaks Shopping Centre 604 853 2251 • BURNABY Metropolis at Metrotown 604 430 1699 COQUITLAM Coquitlam Centre 604 464 8747 • KELOWNA Orchard Park 250 860 6459 • LANGLEY Willowbrook Shopping Centre 604 534 7072 • NANAIMO Woodgrove Centre 250 390 2680 • PRINCE GEORGE Pine Centre 250 562 8530 • RICHMOND Richmond Centre 604 276 8200 • SURREY Guildford Town Centre 604 951 8951 WEST VANCOUVER Park Royal Shopping Centre (North Mall) 604 926 9711 • VICTORIA Hillside Shopping Centre 250 370 5066 • Mayfair Shopping Centre 250 388 9859 Offer valid from July 4 - August 7 2003 or while quantities last. HMV reserves the right to limit quantities. Epitaph goodie bag contains a various combination of DVDs, CD samplers, posters, and stickers. HMV reserves the right to cease offer at any time.

PUNKORAMA Vol. 8 PUNKORAMA Vol. 6

Squidin’ and the Gear Nazis E

ach year the freestyle sportbike scene grows larger with new groups popin’ up like hardons on priests. To most cagers ,the thought of riding on two wheels strapped to a 750CC motor is outrageous, so riding on one wheel while sitting on a gas tank must be mentally defective, right? Well, I wanted to find out first hand what it took to be a freestyle hooligan and get some info on the local sportbike scene. So who better to talk to then Fish & JB from BC’s best stunt team, eXtremeriderz.

Adler- Just a quick intro for all the kids out there, who are you and what do you do? Fish- Oh, we’re starting now? A-Yah, we’re starting. F- My name is Chris Fisher and I ride with Canada’s best freestyle stunt team eXtremeriderz. JB- My name is J.B. I just fuckin’ ride, drink, hug girls and that’s that, fool. Oh and I’m an alcoholic. A- What type of bikes you guys ride? F- 2000 CBR 929. JB- I ride anything, mostly Hondas though. A- When was eXtremeriderz formed? F- 3 years ago I moved to Vancouver to attend school…. A- How is school going for ya? F- I was taking the New Media Class at BCIT. A- I tried 3 times to get into broadcasting, they wouldn’t let me in. I said fuck that, I’m doing porn. F- Just don’t ask me how big my dick is, cuz nobody believes me. A- That’s a gay question, who the fuck asks, “how big is your dick “? F- Girls. A- Anyway, continuing on… F- Ok, so one night I was sitting in my buddy’s garage, when I got an email from a kid in Whiterock. Sent us some pimp snaps of a CBR900RR all furred out and shit. The rest is history. A- Were you serious about it? F- At the time it was just for fun. A- How bout you JB, when did you join? JB- Last summer. A- Is eXremeriderz seeking new members? F- Right now it will stay the two of us, but there is some unseen talent brewing out there so we’ll see. JB- The sport’s gonna keep growing, its getting crazier every year. As for new talent, basically, if you wanna ride, come ride, were pretty cool about everything.

by Adler Floyd

A- I have a trick, I can fall… I mean jump off a gastank. F- It’s a good one, you can do it better than me. A- Brings in the crowds. F- Oh ya. JB- I was Impressed, most peeps wanna talk all day about it and not do it. You didn’t talk enough and just went for it. Balls are a requirement out here. A- Favourite stunt? F- Endos. JB- None, but I’m practicing scape crossups, with no rear brake. A- What the fuck? JB- Sitting on the tank, doing a wheelie and bringing it back far enough to scrape the tail. I’m gonna crash hard. A- Good luck, dude. JB- Wanna bet, fool? A- Nah. So how often do you or JB dent tanks with your nuts? JB- Never hit my nuts on the tank, my knee a few weeks ago though. F- I am the nut denter. My nutz always hit the tank. A- How can you prevent that? F- Get yer nuts cut off, wear a jock, or don’t be a bitch. Expect a lot more than your nutz to hurt riding stunts. JB- Tape them to your leg. A- How much time do you guys spend in the emergency ward? F- Last summer I was on a name to name basis with the nurses. JB doesn’t go to the hospital. I think he gets really drunk and runs his bones back into place using the sharp edge of the counter. JB- Couple times a year. Not really bike related though, jumping out of windows and moving cars mostly. I quit last year, I don’t heal as well as when I was younger. A- Sounds thrilling! JB- Stupid vodka makes me do things. A- How but your worst crash? JB- I dunno, had a few. I flipped a wheelie when I was starting out, somehow walked away. I rear ended this woman 2 weeks into riding, went over the car. Rolled into on coming traffic. That one sucked and taught me not to believe in signals. FPortland XSBA stunt Competition, I crashed a 12 o’clock wheelie and nearly lost my foot, 50 plus staples. Still feeling that one. A- Which part of the bike did not fall on you? F- Just squished the fuck outta it. I also had a footpeg go into my calf last summer. I have a picture of that. A- Great, sign me up. Do your moth-

ers know about this stunning deal you got going on? F- My mom supports it 100%. Mom, look at me now! JB- She gets it but I don’t think any parents are gonna be thrilled. A- What do you guys do in the off season? Getting drunk doesn’t count. F- Usually drinking, but since that doesn’t count, I am gonna have to go with dirt biking. JB- I really don’t ride even in the on season, I go out about once every two weeks in the summer. Usually doing some sort of filming event with DIP (Drunk In Public), um, drink gin too much. Shit I drink way too much, you got me thinking about that one. A- That’s what I do. JB- Your gonna think it’s funny, but golf is my thing right now. I love it… though it’s one hell of a hard game. F- This winter I hope to sled. I know JB wants to buy one. A - Guys must be rich, all these toy’s, you pushin’? JB- Stocks, my man, the other drug. And our sponsors of course, Bill at 5thGear, allterationz keeping my bike fresh with the gucci seats and the slick paint. F- Well thanks to Our Friends and sponsors it keeps getting cheaper. But, yeah, it’s a very expensive game. A- Obviously stunting isn’t for everyone. What’s one thing that will make a person a good freestyler? Is being dropped on the head when a child a prerequisite? F- You gotta love doing it, sitting at the coffee shops isn’t gonna do. You gotta expect to brake bikes and bones. JB- What he said. A- What is the feeling of lifting that 750cc up for the first time? F- Was pretty easy, came natural. Wasn’t too scared of flipping and wrecking it. JB- You’re gay Fish. I dunno about the first time, but when you’re learning to wheelie it’s a better feeling when you get it then anything, and I mean anything. A- Fish, you must be pretty confident? F- Confidence takes time to build, but can be lost in a heartbeat. JB- I was scared as hell, that’s why I came back for more. A- How did you guys learn those first tricks? F- Used to sit and watch movies, only in the last 5 years has it really

started to pick up. JB- Videos, pros have been doing this for years. A- I just got a new bike and I want to learn how to do a rolling burnout, where can I get some pointers? F- Stunt School mutha PHUKA! JB- If you see me or Fish around we will always help you out. Just gotta come up and say what’s up. You can also come to stunt day/school. One of our sponsors 5th gear is putting on all summer long at the airport details on our website, eXtremeriderz.com. A- This being a rock mag, what kind of music makes you go faster? F- Right now I am listening to Death By Stereo. JB- Man, I got over 2 thousand CD’s, anything but country unless it’s Johnny Cash, that fool a pimp, you know he tried to pull a tree down with his truck and went through the windshield? A- How about a local band? JB- Blinded is tight. F- For sure, Thrice, Flybanger, my boyz over here in Vic, the Explosive Rage Disorder. Nickelback can suck a dick! A- That’s the spirit. F- We are going to be appearing in a music video for a rap group called Motoe. Bikes, cars, guns and girls. A- If a thug jacked yer house and lifted your ghetto- blasta, what music would he find in it? F- DJ Captain Cat fucker, my boy from Victoria. JB- I have three 220 disk changers stacked. A- Fuckin’ show off! F- He is prolly pumpin the AQUA Barbie song. A- Just fucking pick something JB. JB- Transplants got a good attitude. A- Tall cans in the air, my man. Thanx guys. Stunt school is sponsored eXtremeriderz.com & 5thGear, don’t be a fucking retard by tryin’ to do this shit on the street. Show up and learn. Also, if you’re not already part of the growing BC sport bike community, what the fuck you waiting for? Visit bcsportbikes.com, there are close to 3000 active members who share the same shiznat. Stuntlife.com is another site that has tons of info on the sport and groups. Photos: Urban Images

The Nerve’s Guide to Summer Music Shoppin’! Angry Amputees Slut Bomb Dead Teenager Produced by Jack Endino, this female-fronted act from Seattle has a style that could be easily compared to The Gits, another act from the Northwest that was around many moons ago. Over all, nothing too original here, but the well-crafted rock on this disc has enough punch tempo changes and hooks to stand on its own and sway away from being too predictable. Aaronoid Belvedere / Downway H o m e t o w n Advantage Union Label Group This is a split disc from two of Calgary’s hardestworking bands, Downway and Belvedere. With five songs from each, it’s some of the best music both bands have come up with in a while. But there is still something I don’t get about Downway’s music and I’ve spent 6 years listening to these guys. Belvedere is on fire with this recording and will hopefully continue their trend of getting better with every release. Coffee Guy Big John Bates Mystiki Devil Sauce Recordings Seeing these guys live one is distracted enough by their sexy burlesque sideshow, The Voodoo Dollz, to miss how good these guys really are musically. This disc is chock full of wicked rockabilly tunes; catchy guitar lines, hooks and stand-up bass walkdowns that stick in your head all day. Low, gravely and brooding vocals in parts accented with old school 50’s rockabilly yelps. Big John Bates even whips out the banjo on “Forked Tongue Baby” and that won me over cuz I’m a sucker for anything that reminds me of them back home hoedowns. Also features a totally reworked Tainted Love, which is an overdone cover song, but this is by far is the best version I’ve ever heard. TexAss Approved. Cowboy TexAss Elliott Song in the Air Revelation Records When I first picked up this CD, I swear I thought that the lead singer was a chick. After giving it a chance, I realized that it was just a very mellow and seemingly lifeless Chris Higdon on vocals. Elliott is pretty fucking creepy… but they make it work beautifully. All the songs are absorbed with this fantastic postmodern electric feeling that compliments the groove. Songs in the Air will probably not cater to the metal head in you, but if you want music that will make you think and see outside of the mundane, this could very well be it. Adler Floyd Evil Beaver Lick It! Johann’s Records

Face

Two girls, drums and bass guitar, and an obsession with each other’s (or their own) vaginas. Vocalist Evie Evil

sings like Perry Farrell and plays her bass like every song is Nirvana’s “Pennyroyal Tea”. 13 tracks of mildly suggestive song titles such as “Cherry Master”, “Chokin the Pearl” and “Year of the Cookie” which contain mostly undecipherable poetic verse which I guess I don’t get cuz I’m not a feminist and maybe I’m not supposed to get, due to the fact that I was born with a cock perhaps, but I don’t give a fuck cuz this disc sucks anyways. Cowboy TexAss Frenzal Rhomb Sans Souci Fat Wreck Chords Australia’s Frenzal Rhomb first appeared on Fat Wreck’s Survival Of The Fattest with their track “Run” in the mid 90’s. These marsupial lovers are back at it with their latest album Sans Souci. Frenzal Rhomb retains their trademark sound while delivering great lyrics ranging from the simple observations of “Russel Crowe’s Band,” to love, drug use, love of drug use, and other relevant topics. The song “Punisher” probably has the potential for some commercial success. This is a solid, mature, and all around great album. Daniel Leigh Frightmare Midnight Murder Mania Razorback Records Kick-ass old school grindcore/death gore metal that’s inspired by such classic films as the Friday the 13th films, Bad Taste, and pretty much any sleazy, slasher flicks of the 70’s and 80’s. Wicked music similar to stuff like Terrorizer, Repulsion, Carcass, Macabre (at least lyrically) with tiny bits of stuff like S.O.D, Pungent Stench and other such bands. Most of the track titles give away their content, such as “Black Christmas,” “Friday the 13th,” or “Thorn In Their Side (The Slumber Party Massacre.)” The band members also use aliases that go along with the theme, the two best being Grisly Adams, and Dean Stalkwell. They do a really, really kick-ass, heavy cover Misfits’ “Devil Lock” as a bonus track. This disc is well produced and the cover artwork is an excellent piece of gore/horror comic type stuff. These guys are from Portland, and if you like intense, old school death grind with a splash of thrash, I highly recommend this album. Stefan Nevatie Godsmack Faceless Universal Without looking at the track listings, I gave ‘er the ole open-minded listen. I couldn’t help but think to myself, man, these guys sound exactly like that shitty band on the radio with that annoying, ‘I stand alone’ song. Then, sure enough, it’s the next song. I don’t know what the hell this disc was even DOING in the Nerve cd shoebox, but these ‘multi platinum hard-rockers’ don’t fucking need MY thumbs up. Boring and predictable songs, simplistic lyrics and a refusal to stop walking the line between nu metal and alternative/grunge. Cowboy TexAss Good Riddance Bound By The Ties Of Blood And Affection Fat Wreck Chords Good Riddance is one of the staple bands on the Fat Wreck Chords label. GR’s lyrics

S . T. R . E . E . T. S . These questions were answered by Dr. Jonny Molson, Guitar Ph.D. What group or musician does your band never want to be compared to and why? I don’t know, if I don’t like it I don’t pay attention. Someone once said we were like Suicidal meets Thin Lizzy and that works for me. On your dream bill, who would you be sandwiched in between? This could change weekly, but right now as long as Budgie was on the bill I would be harsh stoked. This show would take place around 1974. Worst gig to date? Definitely Sonar also known as So\not\gnar, what’s up with shitty dance clubs putting on early shows to try and make more money then just hating you the whole time you’re there like, “when is this show gonna end so we can start the real night” type shit. That show was so lame we had to write a song about it. We had no van and Jay Leblanc drove all our stuff have always been socially and politically conscious, and their latest release is no exception. The recent events and topics of war, religion, greed, and media were definitely on song writer and lead singer Russ Rankin’s mind when writing for this album. Sound clips with a style reminiscent of Winnipeg’s political punk group Propaghandi are used by GR. This is an ambitious and aggressive sounding album that makes no excuses for its thoughts of the American government. Daniel Leigh Grave Digger Rheingold Nuclear Blast Records This was somewhat of a pleasant surprise for me. Grave Digger is a German band that has been together for over twenty years. They are definitely a blast from the past, but what brought my attention to this album was the cover art. One of Markus Mayer’s paintings, an artist of “dark art,” is featured on the cover. Ever since the early 90’s, Grave Digger has started recording albums influenced by fantasy and real-life medieval stories. Their latest album Rheingold was inspired by The Ring Of The Nibelungs, an opera composed by German operatic genius Richard Wagner (1813-1883). If you like Iron Maiden, or are interested in medieval fantasy with dragons, mermaids, castles, and soldiers, then this album is for you. Grave Digger also has an awesome website, check it out at www.grave-digger.de Daniel Leigh

there then when he came back to see us they wouldn’t let him in, then the bouncers fought him and his friends. Fuck, sorry, this is long, but I have not got to rant in print about this yet. Put it this way, it ended with 30 people outside yelling “fuck you Sonar, fuck you Sonar” and them saying “we don’t want your kind here, go back to the Ivanhoe”, in retrospect this might have also been one of our best shows. Recording that humbles you every time you hear it and why? The first Budgie album is so sick, recorded live of the floor in 1969 and the shit’s so heavy it rules. Favourite song off of Thriller and why? The title track is my favorite just cause Vincent Price is getting all spooky and shit. But fuck Thriller, it’s all about Purple Rain. Sarah Rowland

S.T.R.E.E.T.S. Bobognargnar Global Symphonic Many bands create a buzz, but few live up to the hype. In the case of S.T.R.E.E.T.S., the buzz has yet to live up to the band. The album starts off with a skit that takes you to skate heaven, and that is where you spend the rest of the album. This is quintessential, classic skatepunk and then some. Think along the lines of Excel, Suicidal, and the like. Twin guitars temper the hardcore stomp with Maidenesqe flourishes, and the vocals are earnest and aggressive, kind of like what Ian MacKaye would sound like if he drank. Plenty of back up chant-alongs with which to fire up crowds. Drinking, skating, anti-authority, regionalism, (East Van represent!) S.T.R.E.E.T.S. brings it all. Songs like “Too Fast to Powerslide” are to skating what “Wipeout” was to surfing. Why do I not see their name in the lineup for the Warped Tour? J. Pee Patchez Ikara Colt Basic Instructions EP Epitaph YES! Just what we need! Another fucking arty noise band. Yeah, something

More revues on next page... 19

like Sonic Youth or a less chaotic Atari Teenage Riot. The 5 songs are all pretty much the same. They begin with a semi-catchy bassline and spastic drumbeat, which continue in an electronically sampled manner without much change throughout the song, with annoying high pitched keyboards and feedbacking guitar randomly joining in. This disc is perfect if you want a migraine or just a general feeling of agitation because you don’t already have one. Cowboy TexAss Hell City Love s/t Brobdingnagian Records This is what happens when dirty punks with a sense of Rock ‘n’ Roll start to grow up and make music. Hell City Love is Malt liquor, dirty magazines, cowboy hats, spiked leather and duets with some Courtney Love soundalike. Love songs to shotgun to. Viking Plunderfuckenstein Lagwagon Blaze Fat Wreck Chords Lagwagon return after a five year hiatus with another predictable, yet enjoyable record. Joey Cape still wears his heart and mind on his sleeve, while the rhythm section backs him up with their usual brand of polished, melodic punk rock. The “Fat Sound” is getting extremely dated and Lagwagon even take a stab at selfmockery with “Falling Apart” (“We’re already bogus / we’re already fading / We’ll never be The Rolling Stones / I’m staying home.”) But the real kicker is that this is the best track on the album – the irony is killing me. Adam Simpkins No Fun At All Master Celebrations Burning Heart / Epitaph Well holy fuck, it’s finally arrived. A greatest hits record from one of Sweden’s greatest bands of all time. This disc accurately chronicles the lyrically wise and high-energy punk rock music of No Fun at All. Master Celebrations has a taste of just about every album they put out, excluding live material, and three previously unreleased tracks which are seriously kicking my ass, one of which is Gang Green’s “Alcohol”. This disc instantly brings to mind the question of why they broke up when they were so good. Pretty clever money making scheme for the labels to wait years after a band breaks up to release a greatest hits – although this is slightly justified since all the songs on the album were based on fan submissions of what they would like to hear on the album. Coffee Guy NOFX War On Errorism Fat Wreck Chords The first time I saw NOFX they were playing in my friend’s basement in Victoria, touring their S&M Airlines record. An obviously insane show for a truely insane record. Since then, they’ve put out many good records, but none as good as S&M… until now. The opening song from War On Errorism brought me right back to that sweaty basement. Fat Michael has mastered his craft and it sounds like these guys probably have the best time writing songs. I spaced the jacket to the cd, so I can’t tell you the song names, only that they sing about getting old, boozing and drugging, a girl with no hands and feet called “nubs” and their favorite bands and shows from their youth. Loyal NOFX fans will love this record and those of you who haven’t bought a NOFX record in a while should not hesitate to add this one to your collection. Clip on your chain wallet and enjoy! Jono Jak

Passenger s/t Century Media Sad to say, but Century Media has just released a numetal title. Here’s hoping that they don’t turn into another Roadrunner Records! They can be partially forgiven, though, since this features none other than Anders Friden, vocalist for In Flames. This album is a great place to showcase his considerable vocal skills. Even though he has displayed said skills with the Flames, his range here is pretty awesome comparatively. Just be thankful that he didn’t do this level of genre-exploring in his other group! The band is rounded out by ex-members of Transport League, Gardenian, and Headplate. Fans of the aforementioned bands shouldn’t get too excited; you’ll be disappointed if you’re expecting an amalgam of their sounds. Inspiration comes by way of bands as diverse as Chum, Helmet, The Tea Party & Depeche Mode (?!), resulting in a mishmash of pop, rock, metal, goth and electronica among other styles. It’ll be interesting to see if they achieve the commercial success they so obviously desire. Matt Smith Pistol Grip Another Round BYO Records This review is overdue and I have an explanation. This album rocks so much that I had no time to do anything else but listen to it. Another Round is a follow up to Shots From The Kalico Rose. Looks like Pistol Grip have found their sound. AR features a more beefy and aggressive sound. It seems like they cranked it up a bit more this time. While the first album was very political, this time around they focus more on general issues. Thank you Pistol Grip! Get this album. Adler Floyd PUNK - O - RAMA 8 Epitaph How do you begin to talk about a disk (2 discs actually) with 30 different well known and talented bands on it without sounding predictable? Impossible. I guess you start with the stand-out bands like Turbonegro, The Distillers, F-Minus, U.S. Bombs and Bombshell Rocks. Then you move onto your roster of solid Epitaph regulars like NOFX, Millencolin, Pulley, Dropkick Murphys, Pennywise — no surprises yet, I’m afraid — and No Fun At All. Is that 30 yet? Oh ya, there’s the emo stuff like Hot Water Music and Matchbook Romance and the screamy yelly stuff like Raised Fist and Death By Stereo. And there’s some stuff you don’t regularly hear on a punk sampler like hip hop from Sage Francis and Atmosphere. The Black Keys are a kind of bluesy duo — they’re on here too. The Transplants are annoying, so they get two tracks. I guess Mr. Brett is getting tired of the regular chain wallet sporting, synchro jumping power pop. Props to him, yo. Jono Jak Rob Zombie House of 1000 Corpses Geffen When Rob Zombie writes a soundtrack for his own movie, he seems to stick to the safe side of not sounding too different. That being said, all of his tracks have typical Rob Zombie slowish chug-alug guitars with the familiar dark vocals of ‘Yeaa’ in every song. Also contributing to this soundtrack are Buck Owens with his “who’s gonna mow your grass’, Helen Kane with the classic 1928 recording of “I Wanna be Loved by You” in her fine Boop-boop-bedoop style, Ramones’ “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue”, and “I Remember You” circa 1966, by Slim Whitman the folk legend who

married a 15 year old girl while he was 17. The song “Brickhouse 2003” performed by harsh raunch rapper Trina featuring Lionel Ritchie and Rob Zombie is actually pretty impressive. In between all the songs are various clips from the movie that make for a rather creepy but boring soundtrack. The cd layout is pretty cool, but isn’t enough to compensate for the mundane Zombie tracks. I hope the movie is better, which may not be the case since it almost went straight to video. Coffee Guy Sinister Savage or Grace Nuclear Blast Holland’s oldschool death metal stalwarts are still cranking out the pummelling blastbeats, as evidenced on their new album. Back in the day their first two albums, Cross the Styx and Diabolical Summoning left me in awe, the technical yet catchy USDM style brutality was great in the early ‘90s, but in the new millenium it better have something special to it. Well, the vocalist, Rachel Heyzer (ex-Occult), is certainly something special-I didn’t even realize she was a she until reading the liner notes during the second spin, her voice is that gruff! They’re great technical musicians, having honed their murderous craft for over a decade, and the solos kill, but the songwriting just isn’t up to the standard set by their previous releases. If this was a newer group I’d give it extra praise, but like Cannibal Corpse’s recent output you just expect more from bands of this caliber. I’d recommend just sticking with the old albums mentioned above or checking out the mid-period stuff first. Matt Smith Stairwell The Sounds of Change Hopeless Records Growing up in a heavily wooded small town just outside of Cranbrook, I can totally relate to the honest heartfelt passion espoused by Stairwell. When I hear the first track, “The Storm”, it takes me right back to those lonely days when all the boys in junior high would call me “Zittty Titty” and pull my bra strap so that it would painfully snap on my back. Many a night, I would spend crying and writing entries in my pink diary with the key, which I kept on a string around my neck along with my ever-handy reflector. There were nights when I thought nobody could understand what it’s like being me… until now, that is. Listening to poppy emo-rock tunes like “Disaster” relieves both my physical and emotional scars from those days, thanks to Stairwell’s thoughtful sensitive lyrics. Meat Hole Stewpid s/t EP Independent Mephiskapheles-esque creepy circus kinda ska. Keyboards are set on “Hammond”, guitars set to “metal”, vocals set to ‘psycho’. Minus three points for the lame name. Plus two points for having a song named “Hymen Removal Malfunction”. Viking Plunderfuckenstein The Broke 26 & S Amp Records I hunted the liner notes to try and find out where these guys are from. I was hoping they were Canadian since their label, Amp, is out of Hamilton Ontario, but they recorded in Sacramento, they sing about Sacramento, and I have a feeling the corner of 26 and S might possibly be in Sacramento. They definitely sound west coast, lots of chunks a la Bonecrusher, and their faster shit resembles AOD or RKL. The

album is well recorded but not TOO slick, nothing kills a good punk record quicker than over slickness. They sing of booze, drugs, touring and poverty, all the makings of a true punk record. Thumbs up. Jono Jak The Dragons Sin Salvation Gearhead Records The Dragons are like padres ringing electric mission bells in the name of saint Johnny Thunders. The stand out tracks this time around are “Chosen One”, “Claire”, and “Tradgedy”. Incredible lead guitar playing, as always, and true trusted and faithful hymns for all you teenage rock ‘n’ roll junkies! Billy Hopeless The Independents Live from Murder Beach Amp Records Hmm… singer named Evil Presley with long hair and neck beard switching back and forth from Elvis voice to garage voice. Hmm… guitarist spitting fake blood… hmm… ska/punk/Elvis horror influenced band covers Danzig’s “Mother” and Cookie Monsters “C is for Cookie”, hmm… reminds me of Dread Zeppelin in that they’re probably fun to see when you’re really drunk but the day after you take the CD you bought at the show or got from your editor and sell it for smokes money . Billy Hopeless The Redscare Eight Pieces of Summer Teenage Rampage This is by far the best ‘summer’ album I have heard. 8 songs of Cure-esq vocals, Fugazi sounding bass lines, raunchy yet soothing guitars that are cemented together with solid drumming. Lyrically speaking, the songs would make an excellent soundtrack for an evening of outdoor sex on the ocean beach while drinking wine with a barely legal teen and getting high on some of BC’s finest. The recoding could be a bit better but this should be a sufficient hold over until their next release. Coffee Guy Thyrane Hypnotic Century Media Spikefarm brings these Finnish industrialized symphonic black metal rebels’ third full-length to our shores through a new licensing deal with Century Media. Finland has exported many great metal bands in the past, (Amorphis, Sentenced, Impaled Nazarene etc.), but lately a lot of it’s been keyboard dominated fluff, with Spikefarm’s bands being prime examples, (e.g. Finntroll who mix BM with “humppa”, a Finnish form of POLKA!!!) Thyrane is no exception, the keys being quite prominent, but I like this more than a lot of keyboard-based BM I’ve heard in the past. This is partly due to the fact that the guitars are thicker and more upfront, so they can actually be heard unlike high pitched buzz-saw guitars usually associated with this style. Artwork comes courtesy of Niklas from Dark Tranquillity and guest lyrics written by members of …And Oceans and Alghazanth. Recommended if you dig the midpaced industrial tinged BM of Samael or Alastis, but if you can’t live without blastbeats or are a BM purist, look elsewhere. Matt Smith Tora! Tora! Torrance A Cynics Nightmare The Militia Group What started out as just an EP, production apparently went so well when TTT started recording that a full-length album resulted. After receiving rave reviews by critics for their debut release “Get Into It,” this group from Minnesota is looking to see if they can achieve commercial success due to the recent revival of the rock band. Tora! Tora! Torrance mixes rock, punk, jazz, what seems like just about any style of music they damn well please. This band is not afraid to experiment, and it is shown

The Real McKenzies These questions were answered by TRM guitarist Dirty Kurt Robertson through a translator: What group or solo act does your band never want to be compared to musically? Dirty Kurt is scratching his head... sorry Mel [record rep], the question is hurting his head, or let’s say... too hard to answer at this point. On your dream bill, who would TRM be sandwiched in between. A 50 and a 100? Kurt refuses to answer this question, he’s drunk and stubborn, but I (the typer) would say AC/DC and Cheap Trick.

He agrees. What recording humbles you every time you hear it and why? Fleetwood Mac/ Rumours. That’s where I learned the howling cat guitar solo. What’s your worst gig to date? The sober one... What is your favourite song off of the album, Purple Rain? To tell you the truth, I honestly have never heard any of it. Is that by... Michael Jackson?

in their music. I can definitely see bigger things coming from this band. When this album hits the stores July 15th, check it out and judge for yourself. Daniel Leigh Vanilla Muffins The Drug is Football Knock Out Hot off the press is the brand new release from this Swedish three piece. They’ve been at it for almost a decade now. Don’t know them? Their self coined style of sugar Oi! is comparable to that of the good parts of The Addicts and The Damned. Upbeat, melodic and happy in the right sort of way. 15 sing along anthems are included in this set. Included in the bunch is a remake of “Mexican Radio” (originally done by Canada’s Wall of Voodoo) and “Streetrock Rules The World” featuring the living Oi! legend Frankie Boy Flame. One listen to this will give one the assurance that the drug is in fact Sugar Oi! Aaronoid

Very Ape Kosher Boogie Alive Records The press release says they got some Grand Funk Railroad, and that they “rise above the pack with a soulful singer and a true guitar hero”, but it’s just not there. I love slut dixie boogie, but this just isn’t it. I hate to criticize bands that went to so much effort, but this just isn’t there. I’m sorry. The singer speaks excellent English, but it’s numb. I don’t think the Swedes are hot and muggy and angry enough to work dixie music properly. So I have to say, give this a miss. Dixie slut music is like pumpkin pie; if it isn’t right on, like Charlie Daniels, you got a disappointing dessert. But it’s mean to criticize such an effort, I mean, 11 songs! But, I’m sorry. No. I got the damn record on right now and it just goes on and on, it’s no fun. Sorry. S.B.

The Real McKenzies Oot & Aboot Honest Don’s Once again, The Real McKenzies ply their wares to give us another record full of scotch soaked punk rock. 13 songs about the divine gift that is whiskey, the homeland, the legacy of punk rock, life on the road and drinking are laid down between traditional Scottish songs redone McKenzies style. This, their 3rd full length release and second on Honest Don’s, shows a more mature and wiser side of The Mckenzies, especially lyrically, than we’ve heard before. You just know these boys have paid their dues and they aren’t afraid to let it be known. You’ll even catch a rare acoustic track on this one. Oot & Aboot is, arguably, their best effort yet. A.D. MADGRAS Various Don’t Be Scared Fearless Records This album sounds like one long pop punk song from California… but with a few exceptions. The exceptions are the Plain White T’s with “What if”, Keepsake with “Ticket to Russia” and BigWig with “Sink or Swim”. The rest of the songs sound perfect for top 40 punk-pop sing along radio hits. Although the song order is carefully orchestrated, it doesn’t seem to keep me listening. The latter half of the cd seems to have no original material – it all sounds like Blink 182 but really shitty because it’s annoyingly repetitive. For some reason, Fearless used to be way better back in the day. Oh wait, it’s because the bands were good. Coffee Guy

JULY DICKIN’ AROUND Dick Tracy, Jungle Girl, and Batman voice-dubbed live!

TONG TANA: THE LOST PARADISE The struggle of the Penan people against destructive logging practices on their territories.

LILITH ON TOP Director Lynne Stopkewich in person, presented by DOC IN THE HOUSE

EYE OF NEWT PLAY LIVE TO TRON The classic 3-D computer graphic feature with a live soundtrack!

1 2

ARTHUR BRADFORD’S HOW’S YOUR NEWS The disabled roadshow of VICE MAGAZINE fame - West Coast Premiere!

CAN DIALECTICS BREAK BRICKS? Rene Vienet’s outrageous refashioning of a Chinese fisticuff film, Situationist-style.

GUY DEBORD’S SOCIETY OF THE SPECTACLE An intense and densely packed montage of detourned images...

VISION MACHINE: ANDREA ZIMMERMAN London-based filmmaker in person with her found-footage and multiple-format media works.

ALAN ZWEIG’S VINYL Penetrating the compulsions of an anti-social cadre of obsessive record collectors. A BL classic!

5/6

SPATIAL POETICS II Powell Street Festival Society presents experiments and innovations with text, visuals, music and performance.

U-PICK-THE-MOVIE Your last chance to pick a film you would like to see here before we turn the lights off...forever. Email info@blindinglight.com now!

TRENT HARRIS’ BEAVER TRILOGY SEAN PENN, CRISPIN GLOVER and the original documentary which inspired this strange group of films by RUBIN & ED director Trent Harris.

BYO8: BRING YOUR OWN FILM Bring it down one final time and get here on time or risk never seeing it! (10 minutes and under, NO exceptions)

15/16

CLOSING NIGHT PARTY Performances by THE HOT TODDY GIRLS, PRECIOUS FATHERS, THE EYELICKERS, SPARROW, plus THE NARCOLEPTIC VIDEOGRAPHERS, SURPRISE FILMS and SURPRISE GUESTS! Come celebrate our fifth anniversary and the end of an era.

A Fond Farewell to the The Blinding Light!! by Bjorn Olson Cinema

An interview with founder Alex MacKenzie

s most of you already know, Alex MacKenzie, manager of The Blinding Light!!, Vancouver’s wholly unique anarcho-avant microcinema recently announced the BL would be closing its doors after five years of service to the Vancouver film community this July. The BL’s revolutionary programme of performance art, lost treasures, and the indiest of indie cinema has been a blessing to anyone who has ever set foot through its doors seeking solace from multiplex fever. I recently asked Alex five questions about the past five years of BL madness. How has the film scene in Vancouver changed in the last five years since the Blinding Light!! came on the scene? Well, I think our Bring Your Own Film nights and occasional workshops definitely helped inspire some folks to hunker down and make some works on film and video, and it is not an exaggeration to say that at certain times, a few individuals were making a new piece every month - 12 new works a year! Besides that, it most definitely gave folks a look at a lot of films they would not have otherwise seen, and

I think gave people the sense that there is, in fact, room for films and videos that live off the radar. Otherwise, Vancouver continues to spew out piss-poor MOWs, crappy television productions are never ending, and Los Angeles PAs still hate the city for taking all their work from them. Do you see something taking the place of the BL? I expect new ideas and venues will spring up and I look forward to them – I have already heard of a few in the works, still fetal at this point and too early to name.… What did you always want to show but were never able to? Maybe more experimental work (cost-prohibitive), European and Japanese works (again, too expensive to bring in)...otherwise, I was pretty happy with what I did manage to show, and all the discoveries of new media makers out there made it very worthwhile. Greatest surprise success/Biggest boondoggle? Debord’s Society of the Spectacle keeps bringing them in, which shouldn’t be surprising but it is such a dense and demanding work, I am impressed - or maybe amazed - when I see people coming back a second time! And always pleased when folks come out for the more demanding and unknown stuff. When

Shirka Urechko couldn’t do her multi-media dance show due to stress and illness, that really sucked, but she eventually recovered and reappeared with THE WORM, which blew everyone away. Otherwise I have been very lucky - no great mishaps besides a couple of break ins, hold ups, smashed windows - standard DTES stuff. What’s next on the agenda for you? Continuing to make my own work (with more time to do so) and touring it around, working on a book about obscure media makers in Vancouver, doing some artist residency gigs in Europe and elsewhere, and just chilling out. The Blinding Light!! will be open for business until July 20th. Final events include the last installment of Dickin’ Around!, Eye of Newt accompanying Tron, visiting artist Andrea Zimmerman, and an all-request BYO8. Things cap off with a closing night party on the 18th and a garage sale on the 20th. Many, many thanks to Alex and his tireless volunteers for the past five years. Bjorn Olson.

CINEMUERTE 5

THE BIG GARAGE SALE Bring your van and load up on BL detritus: furnishings, projectors, TVs, extension cords, collectables, rare goodies and MORE! 10am-7pm

s t r a i g h t

Exclusive Nerve Preview Time, once again, for the film event of the year. As usual, Cinemuerte promises a host of carnal visual delights and perversions. This is a benchmark year for the festival as it expands in both breadth and quantity. Cinemuerte’s mandate is now not to operate as just a horror fest, but one that will embrace all sorts of “fantastic” films from around the world. I’ll spare the usual verbiage and get right to the films. Watch for the Nerve’s exhaustive coverage next month. The opening film is Viva La Muerte, Fernando Arrabal’s bloody chronicle of war and insanity that has been favourably compared to Passolini and Bunuel. This year’s centerpiece is a visit from legendary character actor John Saxon, probably best know from his appearance in Enter The

Soinio is featured with his more humorous Finnish version of Deliverance, Moonlight Sonata. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Cinemeuerte without the unearthing of another gore classic, and this year’s lucky winner is Lucio Fulci’s notorious Zombie. Exploitation fans will likely also enjoy the women-inprison flick Turkey Shoot, shockumentary Guyana: Crime of the Century, and Doris Wishman’s 42nd Street staple Let Me Die A Woman. Also in the “only at Cinemuerte” category comes a Cheryl “Rainbeaux” Smith double-bill, featuring the supernatural thriller Lemora (followed by a group séance in the theatre!), and the cult-classic Massacre at Central High. The rest of this year’s line-up is a rich and varied smorgasboard for fans of unconventional cinema. From the creature-feature Kingdom of the Spiders starring William Shatner, to the uniquely Mexican thrillers Castle of Purity (from Deep Crimson director Auturo Ripstein) and Alucarda, to the classic subversive Hollywood entries Games and Pretty Poison to the stark realism of the British classics No Blade of Grass (from actor-director Cornel Wilde) and Punishment Park (from legendary filmatist Peter Watkins). Cinemuerte 5 runs July 3-13 @ the Pacific Cinematheque (1131 Howe). Passes are $70 @ Black Dog Video (3451 Cambie) and are on sale RIGHT NOW! Arrive early, as you never know what’s going to sell out. Schedule subject to change. Check the Cinemuerte website <cinemuerte.com> for complete details. Bjorn Olson

by Sinister Sam

CLAUDE CHABROL I read about Claude Chabrol in the pages of EUROPEAN TRASH CINEMA years ago. Seeing him featured in such a legendary magazine immediately re-kindled my interest in the acclaimed French director. Previously, I had only rented the amazing Hitchcock styled twist-a-roo INNOCENTS WITH DIRTY HANDS (1975) with the very cute Romy Schneider (who was also the lead in Zulawski’s rare THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE). With my heavy interest at that time in the Italian giallo aesthetic and the murder mystery as a whole, it was great to find out about this French master director and his uncanny ability to make the heav-

ily atmospheric out of a somewhat simple and sleazy murder escapade. DIRTY HANDS was the US release title and the only other films that were available were through the Connoisseur Video Collection, which meant that only specialty stores carried the other somewhat rarer Chabrol films. After the article in ETC, I was hooked and had to see

more of the “French Hitchcock’s” own amazing grasp on the thriller/murder mystery formula. Luckily, the store I worked at had a pretty good selection of his films, including his most famous LE BOUCHER (The Butcher 1969). I found out from a clinical book on the great director that the films I was after were part of Chabrol’s “Helene” cycle. The Helene cycle represented a short period of films for Chabrol that scaled the late sixties to the early seventies, most of which featuring the stunningly beautiful Stephane Audran who was also Chabrol’s wife at the time of the filming. There was a character named Helene in all the films and all of them have that great late sixties early seventies atmospheric, static and inevitable class. Other great films from the cycle include LES BICHES (1968), THIS MAN MUST DIE (1969), THE RUPTURE (1970), and my newest favourite; THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE (1969) which I’ll try to review here. From what I’d read about the film, THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE sounded promising as a quality example of the style and feel of the Chabrol celluloid/DVD viewing experience. The only problem is that the film was unobtainable until the new Chabrol box set became available from Pathfinder Home Entertainment. The box set features 8 films from the master, all from his heyday of stylishness (1960’s through to the mid seventies). The dvd’s are all available separately and I was happy to find out that THE UNFAITHFUL WIFE was one of them (it was released first from the company). The film lives up to the hype. The plot’s direction is relatively straight forward, but, at the same time, it intertwines the viewer into the multitudes of expressions and complex heavy emotions that the actors put forth within the long, powerful static shots and gruelling personal situations. Stephane Audran plays a wife who is having an affair with another man. Her husband inevitably finds out and decides to confront the other man at the man’s own apartment. After a nice long

sketchy talk with this other man, which pits you into the mind of the calm, though enraged husband as the man talks openly about the bed they fuck on etc, the husband suddenly commits murder. He hides the body in a swamp and decides to keep it all a secret from his wife Helene (Audran’s character). It is at this point that we see the areas of filmmaking that make Chabrol a master. As he takes us into the simple day to day activities of the husband and wife, but with a new subtle spin on the details. The husband watches as the wife pensively and nervously walks around the house, hoping that her worries aren’t being noticed as she, and the police, realize that the other man is now missing. The film really drives hard at this point, as the atmosphere around the house takes over. The wife begins to realize that the husband may be responsible for the missing man the more the police poke around the house and question the husband. I won’t give away the ending, but the power of the static complexity that takes over the screen is truly amazing. The husband’s new found pensive happiness against the wife’s self-admittance to the cheating culminates into a personal family strength as the wife realizes that the son can not lose his father to the police. Powerful focus pulls and landscape shots dominate the ending of the film, leaving you with a pit in your stomach and a new appreciation for static photography versus the character usage in filmmaking. This is a trick still used today with films like Dumont’s HUMANITE (1999) and Chabrol’s later masterpieces. It’s definitely an eye opener for anyone who is into French filmmaking to see the heavy influence that “the outcast” Chabrol has cast onto the new wave scene and beyond. Just remember, DO NOT watch the shit poor remake UNFAITHFUL from 2002 as it will leave a bad taste is your stomach before seeing the Chabrol’s brilliant 1969 original – LA FEMME INFIDELE. Sinister Sam

NERVELAND SMUT RANCH

pic: Max Crown

Dragon. Saxon will be appearing to present Mario Bava’s The Girl Who Knew Too Much, an early entry in the Italian giallo genre from the legendary director. Bava also makes an appearance this year with the over-the-top adventure Hercules in the Haunted World. I always look forward to Cinemuerte premieres of new works (last year saw the only Vancouver theatrical showings of two incredible recent films Trouble Every Day and Dagon). This year I’m most excited about The Revenger’s Tragedy, the new film from visionary director Alex Cox (Sid & Nancy). Working from an adaptation by Frank Cottrell Boyce of Thomas Middleton’s 1607 play, updated to 2011 Liverpool, Christopher Eccleston and Derek Jacobi star in what promises to be a breathless cinematic experience. Other new films this year include James Ellroy’s Feast of Death, a look at the hard-boiled writer and his obsessive chronicles of murder both real and imagined; Orlan:Carnal Art, a provocative documentary look at the French artist re-imagining her own body; the stylish German thriller Tattoo; the minimalist American horror Soft For Digging; and Herschell Gordon Lewis’ sophisticated and refined Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat. This year also sees the premiere of Ashley Fester’s Celluloid Horror, none other than a documentary about Cinemuerte itself. If that isn’t whacked out enough for you, there’s always the guaranteed-to-be-bizarreJapanese-entry, Ryuhei Kitamura’s Alive. Cinemuerte also turns the spotlight of Finland this year featuring three films from the homeland of Koff and Kaurismaki. Director Auli Mantila is profiled with her female-centric psychological horror films The Collector and The Geography of Fear, and director Olli

Return To Porno Chic Vol. 5 Disco Dolls in 3D Thursday, May 29th Fox Cinema

Last month we had the fifth annual Return To Porno Chic at the Fox Theatre, hosted by Robert Dayton and Dmidtrui Otis. DJ Todd Tomorrow provided the funky sounds for the evening and we were graced by the presence of porn babe and Nerve Correspondent Maja Lee, who gave out prizes and signed autographs. Besides having the regular perverts, Porno Chic night was able to attract a variety of people ranging from the dirty old man to the dirty young man, and plenty of ladies too. There was also someone who looked like actor Steve Zhan sitting in the front row. Not only did we get to see a 3-D movie: Disco Dolls in Hot Skin, we also got to see girls going wild over prizes like a highly coveted glass dildo. Some of these ladies were very competitive and got topless in hopes of winning something good like the shirts that were given out. As for the glass dildo, one lady buried her face in Maja Lee’s pussy on stage to win that prize. You should have seen the look on Maja’s face when she realized that her

Zen and the Art of Fellatio

Director: David Aaron Clark Starring: Loni, Mika Tan, Kimmy, Khan *warning- -Women do not always appear as they do in boxcover pics!

That being said, this all-Asian gonzo flick, directed and edited by David Aaron Clark, journalist cum porno visionary, is an unabashed excuse to get hot Asian whores to suck his cock under the “artistic” guise. He did a good job with some creative editing and music choices

pussy was actually being sucked. As for the movie Hot Skin, it was one of those whacked out films where the actors, writers, editors, and producers were probably high on cocaine. The film had a tough time staying focused on the story but was entertaining nonetheless. All I know is that some cops were trying to find an incriminating slip of paper that some girl swallows, and is then unreadable because it gets covered in “poo poo.” John Holmes plays Harry Ball whom the cops are after. Not only does this film have many funny parts, it’s also violent. It has a gory ending and someone gets their dick bit off. The only complaints I have about that night were the expensive beers and the constant stench of urine that kept wafting past us. I hadn’t seen one of these old school 3-D in a long time so I had forgotten that they don’t work all that well. I also stepped on something slippery, yet also sticky, that was on the floor. I could not tell what it was from the taste of it. Return To Porno Chic Vol. 5 was yet another success and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next one. Max Crown

that match the individual personalities of the girls. It’s shot POV (point of view), style except for his last scene with sexual dynamo Loni. I had the pleasure of meeting and working with Loni and it’s true what they say, Filipino women are the most caring and giving; unless you’re married to one, then you’d best be giving up those Friday night dope smokin’ sessions with your boys… or friends, if you still had any left. Mika Tan’s personality really shone through as being genuine and a dirty lil’ cock lover, while Kimmy Khan’s wide eyed innocence will make you want to get her drunk, take her home and throw her into a room full of frat boys after exams. BTW, I spoke with the director about China’s scene (I think that’s her name, she’s the bigger chick in the middle) and all the sound effects were real!! Police cars, ambulances, babies crying… oh my!! It’s not all sucking though, there’s some fucking as well… David’s cock being more a tool for the girls to get off on than a moving person. It’s slow at parts but a decent flick if you’re a perv who’s wanting to get your knob sucked ‘n’ fucked by Asian hotties. Maja Lee

TV Puzzle Page

First person to solve both puzzles wins a Nerve Records Compilation CD 6

Simply show 15up at the Nerve Office: 13 14 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, Mon-Fri 10am-5pm ‘ish... 17 18

by Dan Scum

TV CROSSWORD Across

feature like that in the next one. This game is great and on top of it, it has mulitplayer, damn fun! MotoGP 2 is the only motorbike simulation game that you should buy this year… or until part 3 comes out.

1. Prefix meaning all 5. Ernie’s buddy 9. #4 Bobby____ 12. The musical fruit 14. One of the four corners 15. Rasta word 16. Beginning 17. TV Late Show host 18. Must have 19. Pulsate 21. Longest running cartoon on TV 23. Ripped 25. Hello to Bumblebee Man 26. Ands and buts’ buddies 29. Married with Children mom 34. Weather and sports’ buddy 36._______ Cadabra 37. Bogs down 39. Slangy coke line 40. Decrees 42. The T in TV 43. There are only 4 in Mississippi 45. Halfpipe 46. Town in Vancouver 47. Boy magician’s family mailbox name 50. Hotmail place 51. Buddy’s buddy 52. Plague carriers 54. Cuties 59. Blabs 62. For Pierre 63. Batman’s Vicky 65. Singer’s instrument 67. Fucks up 68. Mr. Dando 69. Type of salt 70. Governing tariff body 71. Take back. 72. What Homer does

MotoGP 2 Developer: Climax Publisher: THQ Platform: PC Rating: E Web: thq.com Can’t afford that Gixxer 750? No problem! But you still might want to invest in a helmet cuz this game is fucking sick. Prepare for visual whiplash. MotoGP 2 features 20 fully licensed professional riders and 16 real world tracks. The game has some pimpin’ effects such as changing weather conditions (the rain looks awesome) and a very neat feature for when you’re hittin’ up the 5th gear on a long stretch. Prepare to

get the shakes and pass out like those Japanese kids in the mid 90’s after watchin’ Pokemon. Playing this game on your 17inch in 3rd person is aite, but the minute

you switch to 1st you won’t know what’s going on and the game will kick your ass. To fix that, all you need to do is run your PC to the 27inch telly and get the race on. MotoGP 2 has plenty of modes to pick and play, one of them being a stunt track. It’s a good idea, but it just wasn’t utilized properly. It would have worked much better if it were just an open level that allowed you to do tricks and fuck around, maybe for points? I hope they include a

As I promised last month, here is the special sneak peek at Valve’s Half Life 2. The much-anticipated sequel is coming along nicely and will be released in a few months. From what has been divulged to the public via screenshots and video, HL2 looks like it’s going to revolutionize the gaming industry again, much like the first one did back in ‘98. It’s a wonder how Sierra and Valve managed to keep this secret for so many years up until its close release. I don’t even know how to describe any of the footage that I’ve seen… it’s pure gold. Adler Floyd

HALF LIFE 2

1. Classified ad abbrv. 2. Pave or Govern ending 3. Crosby and Stills’ buddy 4. Another name for a noble gas 5. Son on Married with Children 6. Travel approximations 7. TV’s highest rated sitar player 8. Soprano’s organization 9. Type of DQ blizzard 10. Nothing in France

i z g a s tube n d n boob infomercial n d f a couch potato a c o Ah Team Nielson l hRating m b VIP i e o e Video f o t r Siskel Ebert b s a t descrambler v t f l WWF closed s icaptioning e r Daisy Duke a r d e Hasselhoff l m z e Kit Alf l l p h Chachi a Tripper i c t Jack Jetsons d r e p Archie Bunker a r o s Letterman h k w w Roseanne Bewitched k r a l epilepsy ADD Satellite SexTV Star Search Dick Clark Mary Hart

a h i t m s l b e t u i o r p e f c

c l u n e e m o i r e m s a i a d k

k b b a o a r l c b m c s n r n a c

24 29

25 30

52 57

68 71

B A N D

R J

S U D S Y

38 42

Down Eye Candy: 5 Tunes: 3.5 Gameplay: 4.5 Chill Factor: 4.5 Verdict: Crazy fast, crazy fun and it looks like a real expensive companion, know what I mean?

50 53

59 64

60 65

61 66

69 72

11. Disgraced baseball legend 55. St. John’s ______ Pete Rose’s team 56. New continental currency 13. Bend down 57. Rain gutter location 15. Madness 58. Type of stick 20. Dempsters offering 60. Family member of 21 across 22. Purple fruit 61. Mr. Scott or groundskeeper 24. Nerd name Willy 26. Memo abbrv. 64. Type of antacid 27.O Dining has only 2 of them G Ugala S A O D D P66.AMumbai L 28. Kobe’sMsound P E U G P E R I S E 30. Better than good V A N A Last S FIssue’s U A Solution: K A 31.I R Prattle on I N A N E R E M 32. TVIshow, S“I P A ____ ofS Genie” U P E R U N K N O W N 33. Hollers A M I N O G R E E N 35. Rip Van Winkle E BGrandpa O O T U S S R B M T and Simpson O A N P E A S E A R 38.N Alternative S S Wto A M S P E E D Y saw D L I T E I R A T E 41. Fairy tale Jack E X W I T H N I X O N 44. Expectorated 48.L R _____ Twist I C H T A P C O S T 49. Marcie’s first O A K O S T A L E N T S husband on P Y E L I S C I T I A Married with E S R D S E K E O R R Children 53. Type of golf course rating 54. Vomit on Wayne’s World

TVtWORD e h a d SEARCH! b c m g f s i Gary c Coleman r e x e o a n Baywatch f i Screech Dallas r t s m s w u r i o s Mr T Miami Vice u Transformers c n a e i c y t AlhBundy k r Smurfs n t r r t h h a l e i e d e t c p a r e l l t k y h h o r n s e c n p c c e t t o s c u i e a e d a v s a i y e a q c j t t l h v r r p l s d o x e a i a i a i v n e e i l m v n u g l t o s n f a s f o r m e r s o i i t k c a j s p e t l m n e a t e a m s b e c i s y d u k e n y e j i d h c t a w y a b d

FREE 4-track CD sampler with purchase of any CD in this ad (while quantities last)

NE W

MARS VOLTA De-Loused In The Comatorium

YEAH YEAH YEAHS Fever To Tell

AFI Sing The Sorrow

The highly-anticipated new album from one-half of At The Drive In (Cedric and Omar). Includes a 16-page booklet.

"A punk rock dream come true" ~ Rolling Stone Magazine

An alternative rock masterpiece combining punk rock, hardcore, metal and goth.

NE W

IN CONCERT! July 4th Vans Warped Tour at Thunderbird

AKALINE TRIO Good Mourning Dark, ominous punk rock with signature Trio lyrics.

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE Songs For The Deaf Stoner rock ... with Dave Grohl on drums!

S.T.U.N. Evolution Of Energy An injection of innovative pop sensibility where vintage punk left off.

specially priced at:

NE W

IN CONCERT! July 11th at the Orpheum

TYPE O NEGATIVE Life Is Killing Me Dark, heavy, goth rock with a title that speaks for itself.

MARILYN MANSON The Golden Age Of Grotesque A combination of the goth, industrial sounds of Manson's past with a new burlesque vibe.

Downtown Vancouver: 556 Seymour St. 687-5837 • South Vancouver: 732 SW Marine Drive 321-5112 East Vancouver: 3433 E. Hastings St. 298-0464 • Coquitlam: 2739 Barnet Hwy. 468-1111 • Burnaby: 4568 Kingsway 439-0223 Surrey: 10280 135th. St. 589-7500 • Langley: 20460 Langley Bypass 533-8600 • Abbotsford: 2369 McCallum Rd. 859-4200 Downtown Victoria: 641 Yates Street 385-1461 • Downtown Nanaimo: 9 Commercial Street 753-3241 ADVERTISING ACCURACY: We aim for the utmost accuracy in our advertising, but the occasional error can occur.Any error will be corrected as soon as it is recognized and customers purchasing merchandise so affected will be advised immediately of correction.A&B Sound Ltd. reserves the right to limit quantities.