A Conversation

A short story on self-love during a ‘down’ moment.

By J. Meraki

“I don’t think I can do this,” the words carried the weight of my feelings as I laid down on my bed. My thoughts were incomprehensible – left me to untangle the balled-up string of thoughts. “I’m tired, and a part of me feels missing. What should I do to get rid of all of these?” I grumbled at the feeling of being helpless. The tears that I felt should come – but didn’t – frustrated me even more.

“Well, that’s just how things go,” the person floating above my bed answered. They looked seemingly carefree as they continued to throw and bounce a ball off the wall.

“Is there no solution? Something that I can do to fix them?” I held onto my pillow tightly, not knowing whether it was because of anger or sadness.

“Have you tried asking for help?” they responded.

“Well, yeah. To those I asked – they tried, but honestly, it isn’t exactly enough,” I mumbled.” I don’t blame them, though. They could only do so much for a problem meant for me.”

“Well – again, that’s just how things go,” they reiterated.

I grabbed my pillow and clumsily threw it across the room. I imagine that to them, the act really looked pathetic. “Maybe I can’t solve my problems – but I could at least not feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way.”

I expected them to point out that I was acting like a child throwing tantrums, but their face looked more worried than disgusted.

“But you HAVE to feel that way. That’s the whole point of ‘feeling’ – it’s not something you can control,” they rolled over to face me – one hand on their face while their elbow was resting on thin air. “Maybe you can control how you react or express it – but you cannot control the actual feeling. You shouldn’t be bottling up how you feel.”

“I know that, but… “my voice starts to trail off. “Knowing that still frustrates me.”

“And that’s absolutely fine,” they give a reassuring nod – emphasizing each word to show their confidence in it.

I stare at them for a while. They looked carefree and relaxed. They’ve got style when it comes to fashion and a look that would make others swoon. Their confidence and friendliness infected the atmosphere – making them seem like the best person to be around with.

“Why can’t I just be like you?” The admiration slips off my tongue as jealousy. “It feels like if I made certain choices or if certain things were to happen to me, then I could be like you – but somehow, my life just doesn’t lead me that way.”

“That’s because you’re you right now,” their words didn’t make much sense to me, but I listened anyway. “Maybe you won’t exactly be me. Maybe you have and will have certain aspects of me. But the reality is you’re you right now. “

I felt a bit bitter to answer back. They seem to have noticed it.

“I won’t sugarcoat it – you’re not ‘the best’ now,” they point it out. “But let’s be honest – ‘the best’ is subjective and, frankly, unattainable if you’re looking for perfection. But, at the very least, know that you will be better.”

“I could be better,” I said under my breath.

They gave me a mad look. If they weren’t so out-of-this-world, it felt like they would’ve cupped my face with their hands, “You will be better. You will also be worse. You’ll continue to feel bad, and you’ll continue to feel good. That’s just how life is.”

“If I’m just going to feel bad anyway, why does it matter?” my question – despite sounding depressing – actually made them smile.

“That’s because both good and bad matter when you think it matters. Life may be what it is, but it’s not constant. You’re not the same every time you feel bad. You don’t feel bad the same way as others. It means you actually have the power to make something not matter. All it takes is time.”

“Then what do you suggest?” I gave them a questioning look.

“Well, you like ice cream, so maybe you can go outside to buy one and wallow in pity in your room until you’re ok?” They gave me a wide grin.

The sentiment actually gave me a sense of relief. They noticed my relief and gave themself a literal pat on the back.

“So, is our therapy session done for today?” they said with a playful tone. Their words, although it sounded sarcastic, ironically felt nice.

“Yeah. I’ll go out to buy ice cream like you said,” I took a deep breath and walked over to the mirror.

The person in the mirror gives me a teasing smirk. Their features are different – but they definitely resemble mine. “You do know how weird you look talking to yourself, right?”

I wiped what tears were left in my eyes and smiled back, “I know, but thanks anyways. See you next time I feel like it.”