Freshers' Issue 2014 by Satyrica

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

SATYRICA Does my bum look big in this?

The Drunken Alcibiades urgently Interrupting the Symposium, 1648

Sine Qua Non: Why Satyrica Matters Fun daytimes to The Sunday Times By Clio Williams

Why does Satyrica matter?! Well, can you imagine being a King's Classicist without Satyrica? Where else would you air your geeky jokes, poems or cartoons? Or indulge in silly punnage, rip-off established columns in national papers and broadcast (like Desert Island Discus and catty agony aunt Domina Millus)? Or write about important cultural - and political, where Boris Johnson is concerned - issues of the day to an appreciative audience? To study Classics is to bathe in a sea of ideas, stories and histories that shape our traditions and laws today; to study the blueprint of the Western tradition of story-telling. How can a Classicist not be inspired to do something creative? I'm very honoured to be one of the "midwives" who delivered this paper into existence. Satyrica came into being as a reaction to the journalistic desert my year stumbled into when we joined King's in 2006. There was the glossy magazine Roar, which, truth be told, was a bit of a joke, and The London Student, which then was a tad impersonal. After a term of working on a joint venture called Muse with the History Department, it became clear that the quality of writing and subject matter

coming from the Classicists contributing had more spark, and enough substance to fill a publication of its own. (I remember Ella Blunt, a fellow founder of Satyrica, and I decided we had to make our own rag when Muse printed a sushi recipe on the back page. The word 'sushi' became our code word for 'dead in the water' from then on). By the time I handed over the reins to heir apparent Fran Paterson, we had more than 40 contributors and a solid editorial team of six people. We chose the name Satyrica, based on the title of Petronius's satire Satyricon, because we felt the word summed up what we wanted the paper to be: bawdy, a mixture of prose and poetry, fact and fiction. But it wasn't all japes and frivolity. We did serious stuff too, including articles about Classical influences in Nazi insignia, the true origins of the celebration we call Christmas and heralded the return of the Hellenic drape on the Paris catwalk. Satyrica created a community in which we could all share ideas, observations, jokes and euphemisms (like, the phrase "taking the dative" vb. to have sexual

intercourse with, originating from the Latin word futuō, futuere, futuī, futūtum, which takes the dative!). This community brought geek-chic back with pomp and revelry, and more importantly (I hope) encouraged younger, budding writers to take part, which then in turn allowed the madness to continue. The very existence of Satyrica matters a lot, and working on it has given me a strong grounding for what I do today as a journalist. After all, the currency of the newsroom is ideas, and the ability to create and curate content that will delight or enlighten your target audience is the formula for a successful publication. The truth is you never stop learning, and the sooner you can master how to juggle facts, deadlines, exhaustion and hangovers, the better. Clio was the original Founder and Editor of Satyrica (2007-9). Since October 2009, she has risen through the journalistic ranks of photocopying and coﬀeedelivering to become the Sunday TImes Magazine’s Digital Editor.

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

What Satyrica did for us More than just nudie nonsense for the deranged? By Charles Whitting

I have always been a doodler and scribbler. On any given scrap of paper I will indulge in writing silly ditties, the beginnings of novels and articles or indeed drawing something ludicrous, like a fox playing the trombone or a hippopotamus dressed as a hoplite (see below). Satyrica gave me a legitimate outlet for these bizarre tendencies and was among the first steps taken towards a career in journalism. From composing panegyrics with my friends to starting a cut-out-and-collect menagerie of classical animals, I had the licence to let my creative juices flow and, what’s more, be appreciated within the curious (in both senses of the word) world of Classicists. My Classics teacher at school sold me the subject on the premise that it was, in fact, five subjects masquerading as one: you have two languages, a wealth of literature, heaps of history and great stash of philosophy. How wrong he was – there’s even more than that! The literary canon of the Classics is simply vast and, with all the art, architecture and archaeology to get stuck into as well, Classics is a subject that has got something for everyone and, what’s more, has often got the original and the best. Satyrica allows everyone, not just Classicists, access to this world in the form of friendly, fun and (in)formative articles, cartoons and poems. It also provides a key outlet for our creative, investigative and slightly deranged tendencies. It is, in short, a gem. As an original editorial team member 2006-2010, Charles was a regular contributor to Satyrica from its inception. After finishing his Master’s (also in Classics) at King’s, Charles embarked on an infrequent career in freelance journalism before joining Pub&Bar magazine. He is now the Deputy Editor.

Rare vintage collectables...

!! !

By Fran Paterson

Since graduating I’ve been doing my best to make sure that I don’t ever have to properly leave KCL. I came back for an MA in Shakespeare Studies and, at time of writing, I’m nervously awaiting the final decision on my funding application for a PhD looking at the links between Roman and Jacobean comedy. My memories of editing Satyrica almost all seem to involve drinking an inordinate amount of tea whilst trying to come up with terrible, terrible puns. In that respect it set me up well for life ‘post-Classics’, as I now spend most of my time drinking an inordinate amount of tea whilst writing about terrible, terrible puns (my entire PhD application is basically an attempt to find a socially acceptable outlet for my love of really bad jokes). The terrible puns are part of why I think Satyrica matters – it’s by geeks, for geeks, unashamedly niche and with an eternal twinkle in its eye. Debates about the importance of Classics nestle alongside the Pagina Tertia girls and Roman sudoku. Museum exhibitions share the spotlight with toga pub-crawls. It’s exactly the kind of nonsense you’d expect from a bunch of people who spend their days looking at nudie statues in the British Museum. Fran has completed both a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree at King’s, and is now hoping to become a doctoral candidate too. She was Satyrica’s editor 2009-10.

September 2014

Satyrica then and now Puns, more puns and Percy Pigs

Original cartoon work found on excavation into Satyrica’s rich past

By Jack Shoulder

When I remember the early days of the horned child that is Satyrica, what springs to mind is my fellow editors and I sitting in a student flat, typing furiously, fuelled by tea by the pot-full, frantically munching Percy Pig after Percy Pig and trying desperately to think of terrible brilliant terrible puns. Well, that was Satyrica. It’s practically a grown up now, and my, how it has grown. Now I know how my mum felt watching me reach all those big milestones on the way to my own grown-up-hood. “Editor of Vervex” was my official title back in the day, when the rag was still in its infancy. The task that I had chosen to accept was to fill the final page with jollity and mirth; with quizzes and fun, and the voices of two fictional columnists. Domina Millus was our official agony aunt, offering advice to mythological characters on all sorts of subjects; unfaithful spouses (there were quite a lot of those) to waking up to find you’d been cursed by a god (there were quite a lot of those too). Our other regular columnist was Corinna (of Amores infamy of course), who revealed what it was like dating a poet. She had her girlfriends Delia, Cynthia and Lesbia to lean on and confide in over cocktails - it helped that they were all dating poets too. The name of that column? ‘Coitus et Urbs’, naturally. If you sift through the archives, you might come across one particular issue that is somewhat different from the others. You’ll recognise it from its bright red hue and sensational approach to, well, everything. That would be our April Fools issue. Gone was the cheeky take on all things Classics! In its place – an even cheekier take on things. Thank the gods we only did one issue as a tabloid – the printing cost for all that red ink was quite something! If you look even harder you might come across what is quite possibly the best article you’ll ever read on Ovidian references in the musical stylings of Girls Aloud. My finest hour. But why does Satyrica matter? Apart from the bonding that only comes from shared traumatic experiences, the horned child still means a lot to me. The jokes still make me laugh and the puns still make me cringe (especially the ones we got so wrong – why we didn’t go for Life is a CaBa-Re-Ia that time I’ll never know).

The skills we picked up producing the paper have come in really handy in post-university life. Taking an often complex subject and breaking it down into amusing (but still informative) chunks has been invaluable in my job working in education at the British Museum and getting used to writing in a newsy (well faux-newsy) way really helped me with the work I do in my other job as a writer for an educational website for kids. Writing for a digital audience is a cinch compared to working in print. You can’t just hyperlink off and you can’t go back in and edit after you’ve pressed Print. It takes a lot of work to craft the words – not just thinking about what to say, but with the damned formatting too! Jack was a founding member of the editing team (2007-10). He now works in education at the British Museum and writes for educational website Culture24.

Parodying the tabloids since time began

YOUR FAVOURITE

STUDY BUDDY …how to use

By Ben Foulston

Any intermediate or advanced classical language student is at least aware of, and has most probably used, the website known as “Perseus”. If you are tragically unaware of Perseus’ existence and have been slaving away unaided at almost impossible Tacitus or Thucydides texts all this time, check it out! NOW! It is an online platform which provides the original text, with which a user can click on each individual word to see its meaning and grammatical properties. It also often provides an English translation of the text. Owing to this wonderful invention, we are able to shed light on the different breeds of student within a classical language class. Here is how they operate.

1. Wilf Diesel The student who has rocked up and is literally reading Goldhill or whoever’s translation from 1642, word for word, bumbling over every “thee” and “thy” and generally sounding like a hungover or still-veryintoxicated mess, whilst not even glancing at the original text. 2. “Sorry Dimitra, I just had better stuff to do” That person who hasn’t even bothered to do the above and is sat frantically clicking away on their laptop, either to find out what the subject of the sentence is (in the meantime not realising that the whole passage is in indirect statement), or simply because they thought it was from the Phaedo, when actually they were looking for the Phaedrus. 3. The Pretender That sneaky git who’s looked at Goldhill’s translation and maybe studied the text a little bit, but just changed all the old fashioned English. This, in my opinion, is the most shameful thing you can do! If you’re going to use Perseus, use it properly, proudly and openly!

4.Works hard, plays harder I do believe that Perseus can be used correctly, and there are some whom I genuinely commend for doing so. For example, someone who will take the English translation, study the grammar of every word in the text, and formulate their own translation. That’s great! You might start each term like this, but if you’re socialising correctly, by 9am on Thursday in week three (after Walkabout of course), you really will be student number 2. That is, if you’ve even made it out of bed. 5. The Ignorant Imbecile What? You genuinely didn’t look this all up on the Internet and actually do the six or however many hours preparation required for this module? Yes, unfortunately these people do exist and we can only gaze up to them in amazement... Whatever, they still clearly use Wiktionary. On a final and serious note, we are a generation of Classicists born into the luxury of digitalisation. Perseus, used wisely, is a fantastic academic tool. Don’t cheat yourself – strive to be student number 4, embrace Classics wholeheartedly, and let us not allow the idea of Perseus to slip into the depths of laziness and banality. Maybe don’t use it for your unseen module, but for everything text based I say go for it! At the end of the day though, every wellrounded Classicist should be familiar with at least one of these two phrases: “nunc est bibendum” and “nunc pellite curas in vino”. If you don’t know what they mean, here are the references, go and bloody Perseus them, because Perseus will save you countless hours every evening and thus aid their very message. (Horace Odes 1.37.1; 1.7.31) Ben is a 2nd year classicist, the Classics Society’s Social Secretary, Satyrica’s Society Editor and a seasoned Perseus expert.

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

The forecast is cloudy for 2015 Greek Play: Aristophanes’ The Clouds By Oliver Harrington

In case you’re new to KCL and wondering what all the fuss is about, every year for the past 61, students at King’s have performed an Ancient Greek play in the original language (with English translation provided - don’t panic). After the phenomenal production of The Wasps in February 2014, the department has decided to break the tragic trend and stage a comedy for the second year running. I will be taking on the task of directing our next production, The Clouds by Aristophanes.

As always with Aristophanes, the play has everything from discussions of morality and cutting satire, to gags about farting and uncompromising obscenities. The Clouds tells the tale of Strepsiades, an old farmer who has massive debts due to the equestrian tastes of his preppy son. So, to avoid the bailiffs, Strepsiades goes to ‘The Thinkery’, an academy where it is rumoured Socrates can teach an argument that will always win. Put a philosopher superstar who believes the clouds are goddesses up against a stupid country bumpkin and hilarity ensues. Hopefully.

Whether you want a serious academic think about topics (like the play’s role in Athenian misconception of Socrates due to the mockery of him as a sophist, which Plato claimed contributed to his prosecution and demise), or you just like the silliness of several fake phalluses being fiddled with on stage, the Greek Play promises to entertain you. We are now looking to have as many of you join the Clouds 2015 family as possible. We have a variety of parts in the cast on offer; from starring leads to non-speaking cameos, we’re sure to find a role for you. Or, if acting isn’t your forte, we’d love to have you as part of our stage crew or production team. Whatever your skills or experience, there’ll be a place just right for you! So to get involved and find out more, look out for us on Facebook and the like; or feel free to drop us an email at greekplay@kcl.ac.uk. Auditions this month! Ollie is a second year Ancient History student, this year’s Greek Play Director and Satyrica’s Theatre Editor.

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

How to get a City job...

with a pair of dinosaur socks and a classical degree By George Ellis

The Editor and I argued for a while about how this article should be structured. My intention is to tell light-hearted anecdotes about my struggle of getting a finance-based job in the City with nothing but a classical degree, whilst also providing genuine counsel for students who are considering applying for jobs in the City. I also want to be careful not to undermine some of the extant qualities of a Classics degree, while simultaneously highlighting the weaknesses that can evolve during job application processes. The Editor and I did both agree that my final line should be a throwaway remark about socks.

place, and it is at this point that you realise that you are not only a long way from Kansas, but that you are also about six months away from applying for a Masters in a random discipline to placate the parents and avoid inevitably working as a university careers advisor.

In a penultimate round interview with McKinsey I managed to stand out… by failing to divide fifteen by six. But while standing out positively with a Classics degree is a game of smoke and mirrors, it is definitely possible. I began to stress the problem-solving skills required in order to decode the enigmatic linguistics, and the investigatory skills A classical degree is ultimately a Sisyphean task: learning that are exercised every day in our production of research dates, set texts, the names of every rock nymph, only to let papers. I emphasised the fact that we just think differently, them slip back into Oblivion over Summer. The ultimate somehow. fruition of this academic boulder-shove is a cold interview When I received my offer for a final round interview with Angela from Human Resources who asks ‘so can you like, with Dixon Wilson, I was prepared for another round of speak Latin, or just read it then?’ It wasn’t long before I became shadow boxing around the fact I studied Greek vase frustrated with the system, and started to question whether painting. My interviewer sauntered in to the lobby, took me top firms would have space for my degree. I applied to twelve companies, interviewed at eleven, and found all kinds into a wood-panelled room, and told me about some terrible interview experiences he had been of ways to make a Classics through, and we discussed the degree make me sound vaguely “We laughed as I told him how I’d interview game at length. We employable. But in order to do convinced Deliotte’s HR team that I could laughed as I told him how I had that, I realised my initial convinced Deloitte’s HR team that I weakness was in the hubris that speak Assyrian” could speak Assyrian. He chuckled can come with the discipline. when I recounted the time I got I chose to study Classics called ‘unprofessional’ by the partly because it makes you sexier at a dinner party. Sure, insurance broker Marsh for wearing dinosaur socks to an everyone has a degree these days, but the scarcity of Classics interview. We spoke for a couple of hours and the next day draws so much more attention. It is an esoteric subject the company called to offer me a contract. I doubt my matter, alchemical in its very nature, making you a source of intimate knowledge of Petronius contributed towards my authority on arcane arts. People have always been impressed being hired; they weren’t interested in me trying to show that that you can translate their school crest – the interview panel my degree was relevant to finance, they just wanted to see at JP Morgan will certainly be just as amazed by these party that I could think logically and be avid about my work, and tricks. In hindsight I should have realised a lot sooner that Classics provides an excellent platform for this. saying I studied Classics did not make me Tarquinius Ultimately, the best interview technique was selfSuperbus in a metaphor where Lucretia is a job interview, but in fact rendered me Buthrotum, if Troy was every other awareness. It was to show that while a Classics degree is rigorous, it isn’t the purest demonstration of your Humanities student ever. capabilities. So to anyone thinking about which careers a Unintimidated, I soldiered on. I interviewed with the classical degree can lead to, the answer really is almost relevant firms – McKinsey, Deloitte, OC&C, L.E.K. – and anything, provided that you are determined and aren’t afraid got through early rounds, passed the maths tests, and to face several instances of failure from recruitment explained to Angela from HR that I could probably speak departments who are too stuffy to take the slight risk of a Latin if the conversation was specifically about what non-Economics-Law-Maths-Politics candidate. It is tough, happened in Ovid Met. VIII, lines 8 – 344. It was as the but by knowing how to present the classical discipline, a interviews progressed, though, that I realised just how much career in academia is not the only option. I didn’t know. I had spent years at school thinking – as I I will also heavily sponsor anyone who interviews with imagine a lot of us did –that I was blistering because I had read most of Pliny’s letters, because I was part of a society at Marsh and wears dinosaur socks. school which met once a week to discuss the Impressionists, George Ellis works for Dixon Wilson, who were double winners because I had ideas about the philosophical structure of at the Spear’s Wealth Management Awards in 2013. During his language and had read A Very Short Introduction to Nietzsche. But time at King’s, George served as Social Secretary and President walking into the office of a busy Partner at Ernst & Young, to the Classics Society while studying for a degree in Classical you realise that whilst he too may listen to Schopenhauer in Studies with English. his spare time, this isn’t relevant to the job. The firms I mentioned above all have more than 100 applicants for each

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

Our British Museum Correspondent investigates a more sensory approach to the BM

CLASSICAL iPOD: EDITOR’S COMMENTARY

This ancient specimen of punnage dates back to the early 20th Century. Yes, it is very very old, as evidenced most vividly by the Comic Sans-esque font and the oddly deformed mythical silhouette. So dear to us is this artefact (penned by Clio Williams, Fran Paterson, Jack Shoulder and Caroline Harrison) that Satyrica have been working on its modern re-make…

By Spiros Pappadopolopolou

Even I get bored of the British Museum sometimes - I know right?! There are only so many times that you can look at something and discover something new about it. After you realise there’s nothing new about it left to find out, well... you’ve got a dilemma. The best way to solve this dilemma, I believe, is by taking a rather more…sensory approach to the British Museum. Fortunately, lots of the things in the BM aren’t in glass cases and are open to the ‘sensory approach’. After all, everybody ignores those signs they put up about not touching anyway.

Watch out for Classical iPod’s 2014 reincarnation, Desert Island Discus, in the next issue of Satyrica (featuring at least 5 songs by Mumford & Sons: can you guess what Plato would sing?).

fat sweaty man’s armpit. Marble on the other hand is not too bad. That’s the good thing about the Greco-Roman galleries: there’s lots of licking material. This approach, however, requires a The statue of Dionysus right next to little more cunning than a casual touch the Assyrian Cherub is a suitable target. of some marble statue. All you need is a I recommend avoiding the bunch of salivated tongue and a little ingenuity. grapes that he’s holding; there are That’s right, licking statues. I tell you, thousands of years of dirt stuck you get to learn a whole lot more about between those grapes. Admittedly, it statues by licking them than by does contain more flavour than the rest overhearing a French tour guide of Dionysus; it is easy to deduce that wittering away to a bunch of kids and marble is fairly bland. trying to figure out what they said by means of your C-grade French For the bravest amongst you, there is a language GCSE. stone dragon in the Americas Gallery but be careful; that thing is pretty rough Avoid the Assyrian Cherub like the and must only be tried by those with plague; Mesopotamian limestone tastes cat-like sandpaper-ish tongues. Finally, I absolutely disgusting – kind of like must mention my absolute personal what I imagine it must be like to lick a favourite, Egyptian basanite. There’s no

end of Egyptian artefacts ripe for licking, made of the very clear-tasting basanite stone. I recommend the enormous scarab beetle at the end of the Gallery: plenty of licking surface area and it’s just like a good aftershave/ eau de toilette; top notes of citrus, base notes of sandalwood and undertones of cinnamon. So, get down to the BM and experience it in a whole new way. Just be careful not to get caught by the security guards. Double points if you can convince a Chinese tourist that this is actually the official modus operandi of British museum-going; and triple points if you can get them to do it as well.

Classics Soc. Sport A Call to Arms (and Legs) By Virgilius M. Cheddar

KCL Classics Society vs East India Club Rugby match, November 2013. All onlookers have since been hexed by fits of hexameter.

Arms and legs too I sing that offering themselves First came from Classics Soc. to play, in Regent’s Park A thrilling game of rugby against East India Club. Muse, tell me the reason that was just a one off. Oracle, please foretell, will more men (and women!) Offer themselves this year for rugby or footie? To play at 5-a-side and increase our glory?

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

Spotlight on... Hadrian’s Wall By Ella Braidwood

Sat in my Roman Britain lecture on a hung-over “at Housesteads, there is what is most Thursday morning, I hear through the sweaty, likely to be the oldest toilet you will ever get odorous, over-heated air the dulcet voice of John Pearce: “So, who has visited Hadrian's Wall?” A to see...” meagre three hands among thirty, mine included, Hadrian’s Wall is an astounding feat of Roman gingerly rise and hover half-heartedly above the heads engineering. The structure can be followed via the of the masses. John Pearce looks crestfallen. Hadrian’s Wall Path – an 84 mile National Trail – which stretches from Wallsend to Bowness-on-Solway. Hadrian's Wall is one of only 27 UNESCO World The walk is broken into several stages and so it can be Heritage Sites in the United Kingdom and its tailored for both amateur and expert walkers alike. overseas territories. It is the most popular tourist The section from Chollerford to Steel Rigg is attraction in northern England. Screw the Angel of particularly remarkable, running along crag edges the North – Hadrian's Wall is the North. and providing superb views over the countryside to the North – for example with the view from the Whin Hadrian's Wall is also the exception to the rule that, Sill overlooking Castle Nick. Forts along the wall by and large, Romano-British remains are provide a well-preserved insight into Roman military disappointing. Whilst London offers many amenities life on the frontier, as well as an excellent day out. which out-shine those offered elsewhere in the UK – Most notable are the forts at Birdoswald, the Big Smoke's food, markets and parks are Housesteads, Chesters and Vindolanda. At unrivalled within the British archipelago – its Housesteads there is an exceptionally preserved Romano-British remains are bland. I particularly latrine – most likely to be the oldest toilet you will remember visiting the Roman amphitheatre in ever get to see. The writing tablets at Vindolanda also London below Guildhall yard, only to be deserve a mention and provide a priceless insight into disappointed by a few scattered pieces of ancient Roman society. These tablets form the focal point of pebble and some weird lighting. the Vindolanda Museum and are rightly celebrated The frontier itself marked the northern most zone of much more than in their peripheral display at the the Roman Empire. It would be wrong to think of the British Museum. wall as the end of the Empire, and a contradiction of So, stop being a southern fairy. Hop onto a 3 ½ hour the Roman imperial slogan imperium sine fine: Roman Euston-Carlisle train and catch one of the regular power was projected far beyond this wall through outposts and Roman goods. For me, the best function buses to the wall. Admittedly the buses aren't as frequent as the tube, but you will get to see daylight. which can be attributed to the wall was its role as an observer and controller of movement; the wall was Hadrian's masonry masterpiece is the saving grace for strategically placed on the Solway-Tyne isthmus in order to do this. Using evidence from other frontiers, Romano-British remains. It is the light at the end of the tunnel, the crème de la crème, the cherry on an such as the 202 AD Zarai Tariff from Numidia, it is otherwise abysmal cake. reasonable to presume that customs were applied where necessary to certain goods which moved across Ella, Satyrica’s Editor for Academia (and sometimes the frontier.

! !

! See it for yourself: Hadrian’s Wall is only a couple of hours from London! Visit the National Rail website for more info on the Euston-Carlisle train.

travel…), is in her third year of a Bachelor’s Degree in Classical Studies.

FRESHERS’ISSUESeptember 2014

AVE ATQUE VALE Our much-adored finalists of 2014 pay their respects. We miss you all already.

Vishnu Nambiar

Bottoms Up

at the Classics Society Boat Party, Summer 2014. Literally...

O scholars of ancient literature, O brothers, O sisters, Don’t worry that our alma mater, who either generously or in vain gave us three productive years, and who, neither happily nor willingly, will find us, once our dignity has been exhausted, scraping together meagre wages, and will be angry. For she does not know that we enjoy the leisure of easy business. Say goodbye to charming little books, turn your eyes away from history and look to the future. After unending unemployment, wealth seems even sweeter.

nolite, O discipuli litterarum Graecarum et Romanarum, O fratres, O sorores, ne nostra alma mater, quae nobis tres annos fecundos aut liberaliter aut frustra dedisse, quaeque cernet nec libenter nec feliciter nos, dignitate absumpta, mercedulas exiguas conradentes, irascatur anxiari. nam illa nescit nos otio facilis negotii fruari. lepidis libellis valere iubete, ab historia oculos vestros avertete, ad futuram spectate. post cessationem perpetuam, divitiae dulciores videntur.

Harry Sharpe

Universally Challenged

“And it’s goodbye from me, goodbye!” - Tom Bull

MATCH MADE in HEAVEN 9

Ex-President George Ellis and Daphne from Scooby Doo share a penchant for playing the gagged and imprisoned ‘damsel in distress’, and a fondness for that go-to colour scheme, purple and orange.

So ends another year of ClasSoc shenanigans, and my final year at King’s. This year I've had the honour of being the Social Sec twice, with my second half shared with the ever excitable, ever dashing Thomas Bull esquire (pictured). With our formidable partnership we have seen through many memorable events. From mercilessly hunting down fellow students with improvised weapons for Classassins, to sailing off at top speed to the tune of 'I'm On a Boat' on a boat down the Thames, I couldn't have hoped for a better year. I’m glad so many of you have got involved and enjoyed yourselves. Stay Classy ClasSoc!

AGORA AUNT

Dear Agora Aunt,

Reader’s Responses:

Agora Aunt’s Response:

I’m having so many body confidence issues. My hair can’t be tamed and people literally freeze with horror when they see me. I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror - I think I’m getting wrinkles. I feel so cut off but I just want to be at the head of the latest trends and then I could rival Aphrodite in looks. Has anyone got any fashion advice?

‘Do you really want to compare yourself to a god though?’ – Arachne

I’m sure Freud would have something to say about this. However, if you’re not happy with your hair, consider going for the chop! Try to ward off any negative feelings. You never know, you could be the face of fashion one day…

- Medusa

‘This one time I saw Heracles wearing a lion skin and club so I wore a lion skin and club’ – Peisistratus ‘At least you don’t have to look at your wrinkles for the rest of eternity’ – Tithonus ‘Can’t identify with this one #facelaunched1000ships’ – Helen

Agora Aunt xx

Archie Hines, ClasSoc President Questionable earring. Averse to movement faster than a leisurely stroll. Certainly no leader by example.

Sofia Vicente, ClasSoc Treasurer & Satyrica’s Finance Manager

Margie Cheesman, Satyrica’s Editorin-Chief & ClasSoc External Liaison

She’s a pretty big deal. But the deal isn’t as big as her hair. #Mane

Doesn’t know what to write about self. Just loves text boxes. #TextBoxes

Laurence Hall, Satyrica’s Contributions Editor and Museum Correspondent

Would do anything unexpected and unreasonable if sufficiently rewarding and legitimate. #Sandbag

WHO’S WHO Ollie Harrington, Greek Play Director and Satyrica’s Theatre Editor

Robyn Van Blankenstein, ClasSoc General Secretary

Fringe. French. Frinch. Frange. Frianchge.

Classics Society EVENTS

Laddinton can often be found relaxing in the Greek Play penthouse suite. #GreekPlaya

for SEPTEMBER 19 Toga Pub Crawl Emmeline Downer, ClasSoc Travel Secretary Probably over-friendly. Will bound up to you and invade your personal space. #empress2k13

20 Hangover Hyde Park Picnic

Jerome Gavin, Assistant Editor

Part-mythical creature, part-alcoholic. Hardly ever seen on campus (bar Waterfront), he’s Classics’ take on the unicorn. #Haveyouseenthisboy #?

Club Night

23 Roman Wall + Pub

see satyrica.co.uk for more dates & details Georgia Clarke, Features Editor Notoriously bad at making decisions, Georgia asks herself ‘What would Kim Kardashian do?’ when facing life’s most difficult dilemmas. #WWKKD

Marie Julian, ClasSoc Co-Travel Secretary Her only pleasure in life is cheese. She is lactose intolerant. #FirstWorldProblems

Maaria Ahmed, ClasSoc Culture Sec. and Society Editor for Culture Flits around. Smiles when she hears anything about curry, Michael Fassbender, or Michael Fassbender eating curry.

Ben Foulston, Social Secretary and Society Editor

Party man with perfect hair. Doesn’t even use hairspray. #Facethatlaunchedathousandships

Ella Braidwood, Editor for Academia

Sarcasm. Charity shop enthusiast. Sarcasm. #Sarcasm

Aaron Marchant, Features Editor Single-handedly warding off accusations of subject-ism on the Satyrica Board. Puts his English degree to good use by using words. Occasionally uses numbers.