Easter Issue '14

THE NEW

SATYRICA Are you sure you’re over 16 (hundred) years old?

SPECIAL FEATURE: The Warren Cup Scandal

EA

MARCH 2014

ST

IS

ER

Why Classics Matters Mary Beard Scandal Unwrapped Key Fresher Vocabulary

SU

E

INSIDE:

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

No longer a rhetorical question: the King’s Rhetoric Society

By Ian Wong

Rhetoric is a dying art, but it’s not quite dead yet. Just ask Obama’s speechwriter. On the other hand, it seems to be a forgotten art in most of the modern world, where the word ‘rhetoric’ itself has gained a rather negative meaning, often suggesting pretty but empty talk. This is where the King’s Rhetoric Society steps in. The b r a i n ch i l d o f A xe l Ö s t l i n g, a Philosophy student now in his third year, the society was established with the blessings of the Dr. Felix Neubergh Scholarship Fund and seeks to reintroduce the rhetorical tradition to today’s generation of students through a yearly programme of talks.

The first talk on this year’s programme was given by our very own Professor Roland Mayer on the relationship between rhetoric and poetic composition in ancient Rome — a familiar topic for every Classics student, especially those who are prone to shouting ‘TRICOLON CRESCENDO!’ (and nothing else) every time they are asked by a tutor to identify rhetorical features in a text.

Perhaps they would have wanted to attend King’s a couple of years earlier when, according to Prof. Mayer, a course in rhetoric was actually taught here by him in conjunction with a few c o l l e a g u e s. A p p a re n t l y, a n M A programme in Rhetoric was proposed but never manifested. It’s a secret history worth mentioning if only in the hopes that it might create enough pathos

Next lecture on rhetoric:

Professor Peter Mack’s 'The Classical Basis of Renaissance Rhetoric', taking place on 11th March at 17:00, Old Committee Room.

among our readers to demand it back.

Petition, anyone?

Professor Mayer’s talk focused particularly on how rhetoric was taught in antiquity. Education in rhetoric, it seems, was structured around a series of exercises known as progymnasmata that increased in difficulty over time, and such a programme was ultimately geared towards legal and public careers (which, of course, overlapped in ancient times). Part of the programme included ethiopoeia, an exercise in character sketching, of which Cicero’s Pro Murena is a classic example. Described by Prof.

Mayer as ‘one of Cicero’s most dazzling defence speeches’, it is also a very useful read for anyone who likes attending Classics Soc socials because it was composed in defence of a man who was accused of too much exotic dancing

while he was stationed as a soldier in Asia Minor. Considering he went on to become consul, I’d say it’s pretty good encouragement for all of you part-time exotic dancers out there.

Prof. Mayer’s talk was far richer than I am able to detail here, but suffice to say it was a very enlightening account of how Latin poetry came to be written the way it was. Prof. Mayer admits that the prospects for practical application of classical rhetoric in the 21st century are somewhat sketchy, but personally I’m always up for a good speech. Hopefully, the society’s upcoming talk by Professor Peter Mack of the Warburg Institute on the 11th of March will continue to fascinate more students with this ancient art, and for the love of Jupiter, they’d better suggest something better than a tricolon crescendo during their next class.

Classassins: A dangerous game

cyanide), and even scrunched up pieces of paper (grenades). Classassins was merciless.

Everybody was slightly paranoid¸ and for good reason. That person who you thought was your friend and who was being particularly nice by accompanying you to Greggs (no names mentioned here… although I do believe there was only one person in our lovely little company of assassins who has dyed red hair…) could feign delay, and then blast bits of your brain and skull all over the Strand pavement by means of a Nerf gun, covering innocent pedestrians with both grey and white matter but still resulting in something of a gory crimson appearance. To all who were mercilessly slaughtered: requiescat in pace. To all those who survived to tell the tale: nos venimus pro te.

By Kenny McKormick.

“A bow and arrow is so gonna win me the ‘most creative kill’ prize”

“Nothing is real, everything is permitted”.

So went the motto of the cult of assassins in 11th century Iran. Recently it has been popularised thanks to the game Assassin’s Creed. Today, however, it is an adequate description of our recent game of Classassins. No person was safe: those who played, and those who were innocent bystanders caught up as they were in bomb blasts. Nowhere was safe: neither lecture rooms, corridors nor the wider world.

Nothing was real or safe; gloves (laced with poison), letters (laced with hydrogen

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

From our BM Correspondent: Drink me only with thine eyes

By Kostas O. Philokastoras

When wandering my regular path through the British Museum, I was stuck for ideas on what to write this report on; not because there is too little of interest to write about, rather, too much. Lely’s Venus, Mycenaean swords and the Macmillan Aryballos all took my fancy; yet I was still stuck with the same problem, which gleaming artefact should I choose to discuss? It was in that moment, when pondering upon the quandary I was faced with, that I saw something happen which immediately helped me defenestrate all my previous ideas, yet subsequently greatly troubled me.

“What was it?” you ask? Let me explain. My regular route takes me to room 20, which is dedicated to the interaction between Greek and Lycians. I like this room (when it is open, that is) because it is nice and quiet since few people venture down that way, hidden as it is behind the Nereid monument. Sat on a bench in the aforementioned room, thinking, I saw a foreign tourist walk in; obvious by his ludicrously out-of-proportion camera, not to mention the fact that his head was shaved around the back and sides so that he was completely hairless, bar one massive tuft which he continually had to swat out of his face (much like an African tyrant would do with flies by means of a zebra tail-hair swat), but this is besides the point. Slightly voyeuristically, I couldn’t help but watch him make his way around the room in a fashion that is sadly all too common nowadays. This fascinating character lifted his beloved camera as if it were some sort of heavy weapon Beowulf or Ajax might have used, and with arms buckling under the weight of the weapon/camera, took pictures of every single item in the cabinets, spent a second reading the tag which accompanied the artefacts, and walked away; without even having looked with his own eyes at what was in the cabinets. This chap proceeded to do this with every cabinet in the room, until he probably realised he was not leaving enough space on his memory card for Big Ben and Buckingham Palace.

It is this that I’d like to write about for this issue of The New Satyrica. I would like my readers - that’s right, it’s you that I’m addressing - to take a look at their own behaviour in museums or galleries. Ask yourself, do you spend more time reading the tags, or looking at the object? In all likelihood it is the former. I was guilty of it myself once upon a time.Remember what it is that you go into museums for; not to read, but to look, to admire, to appreciate. I know the invention of writing is something to be admired and appreciated, but not as much as say Lely’s Venus, some Mycenaean weaponry or the Macmillan Aryballos.

It seems I have come a full circle, and probably beyond my word limit as well. So on a final note, I humbly ask that next time you to go to the British Museum, you go as if it were the first time you have ever been, and whenever you look at the tag, instead of telling you about the object, let it say “Don’t look at me, look at the thing that’s above me!!!”.

Page 3 Torso of the Week: The Crouching Venus See her in the flesh at the BM!

EASTER WISE-CRACK (-ed eggs) ... only yolking... why did the dramatist cross the road? to get to the other aside why did the Orientalist cross the road? to get to the other Said why did Caesar cross the road? to get to the other Ides why did the sailor cross the road? to get to the other tide why did the pig cross the road? to get to the other sty why did the revolutionary cross the road? to get to the other society why did Verdi cross the road? to get to the other Aïda why did the children cross the road? to get to the other slide

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

Greek Play Review: The secret life of Wasps

By Ollie Harrington

The Mystery of the Missing Xanthias.

Everyone I’ve spoken to who saw the KCL Greek While the actors often take the fall, it’s not always their fault. On the 4th performance, none of the Play this February assured me that it seemed an backstage team could find Em Downer before the absolute success, an utter joy to watch, the more show, so the audience had to endure another 4 naive theatre-goers even mentioned the word minutes of overture before the curtains went up. It ‘flawless’. But, in a revelatory exclusive for Satyrica, I am shattering the charade that any part turned out Em had been on stand-by in position of KCL classicists’ staging of Aristophanes’ Wasps on stage all that time.

The Curtain Crash. A little known fact is that was professional, or that any one of us ever we nearly lost the half of the cast after the bow on actually knew what on earth we were doing. the first night. No one quite sure of where it came down, terrified actors could be seen diving Phallic Rehearsal Revelry: backwards just in time to avoid decapitation.

“Thrust more enthusiastically” The Sleepwalker. The biggest surprise was “Try to look cute... and you could occasionally definitely when Ben Foulston needed to go pee

lick his penis” pee... halfway through a scene... in which his “So... do I just keep on spanking?” character was meant to be fast asleep. So, like Adonis from the dead, he rose to his feet and The award for the least lines learned would have rushed off stage, squeezing his thighs tightly to go to Thea Smith’s Myrtia. In Thea’s defence, together and perplexing everyone around him. A she did actually know all her lines... She just had a minute later, having relieved himself, Ben somnhabit of ‘abbreviating’ a few of them on stage. ambled back to his mark and laid down, just a few Indeed, half of the Chorus felt less than confident lines before his cue to ‘wake up’. What we can all with the lyrics of their tunes until the 3rd learn from this is to listen to our mummy’s advice performance. Not to mention Bydecleon, one of before every car journey when we were 5, ‘Make the stars of the show whose eloquence seemed sure you’ve been to the loo before we go; it’s your perfect most nights, yet surprised us all with his last chance... and we’re not stopping.’ ability to ad lib greek (or on one night, French) on the spot. Careful listeners might have picked up Things we lost along the way: his song lyrics popping up in place of a debate

speech, or perhaps the words ‘pai pai Xansthia’

The sanity of our esteemed director, Rosa Wicks. just a few [hundred] more times than you’ll find in Any dignity our president, George Ellis, might the Loeb. have been clinging onto before playing a worryingly convincing whore.

Of course, there were plenty of other on-stage And finally, the most painful loss: several, now cock-ups too. Highlights included: deflated or discarded, papier-mâché Phalluses.

May they rest in peace.

Don’t miss: Power and Passion in Greek Theatre: A lecture by Frank McGuinness, 22nd May 2014 at 18:00, Safra Lecture Theatre, Strand Campus.

Photography: Elham Khoshal

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

Greek Play: The bees knees

By S. Pectator

If someone asked you to accompany them to a theatrical production of a play in ancient Greek, produced and acted

by Classics students at KCL who wander about the stage with absurdly comic large fake penises attached to their bodies, singing and dancing to contemporary jazz, you might think twice. But you would have been very wrong to miss KCL’s terrific 61st Greek Play production of Aristophanes ‘The Wasps.’ It was a wonderfully anarchic, absurd, Python-esque ‘Old Comedy’ satirising the corruption of jury courts and jurors, while exploring the theme of youthful wisdom and elderly folly. The world is turned upside down as the virtuous son Bdelycleon makes various attempts, by force and then by persuasion, to reform his father and dissuade him from his corrupt, drunken, lecherous ways. But the wayward father, Philocleon, can’t easily be reformed. He is on the payroll of Cleon - a leading politician around 422 BC when the play was first written who Aristophanes despised. The chorus of wasps, singing in

melodious harmony and dressed in pinstripe suits, are also under Cleon’s power and their job is to ‘sting’ Cleon’s opponents in collusion with the corrupt jurors. Yet over the course of the play they are won over by the wisdom of the young son, unlike the father for whom old habits die hard.

The natural ease and fluidity with which the cast performed in ancient Greek was truly impressive, as was the superb recreative translation by the director Rosa Wicks, who peppered the scripts with contemporary idioms and infectious moves including the ‘twerk’. The raucous, boisterous, subversive sending up of social graces and conventions really made me sit up and wonder at the enduring power and contemporary relevance of Aristophanes – if only we had such a powerful poet and satirist on the British cultural scene today!

Interviews for next Greek Play director from 12-5pm, Wednesday 19th March, C9 North wing

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

Artes Liberales:

Why Classics Matters

of the investigations and discoveries being made in another field.

In the UK system most people specialise early, but smaller disciplines like Classics have already adopted some of the best

By Emily Pillinger, a lecturer at King’s, elements of this ‘liberal arts’ approach to who splits her time between the education. Fewer assumptions are made department of Classics and the Liberal about what students have, or should Arts programme. Her research focuses on have, learned at school, and nobody is unusual forms of communication in considered ‘behind’ for not having classical literature, such as the studied a particular subject before mysterious activities and utterances of turning eighteen. King’s offers students prophets, witches, or ghosts. the chance to try out subjects such as In a couple of weeks I will be explaining ancient Greek, and if they enjoy them they are helped to become turbo-charged to a group of prospective students why learning engines that rapidly gain on they should choose to embark upon a more experienced peers. Students who particular degree programme at King’s.

This degree, I will tell them, promises to had the chance to learn Latin (say) at school might be able to spread their open their minds. It’s a degree that encourages students to make connections wings a little earlier, but those with different academic experiences behind between the distant past and the more them will bring their own unique recent past, to dive deep into the perspective too. The point is that whenever literature of foreign cultures, and to students choose to embrace a subject like consider the place of visual and Classics, either as the central focus of performing arts within the societies that their studies or as a complement to their fostered them. Students will have the main work in an area such as Politics or chance to tackle a new language or to master one they’ve known for a while, to Film Studies, they are warmly welcomed as valuable additions to our team. explore various museums of London, and to learn about the peoples and Moreover, those who champion the philosophies and political systems that flexibility of a Liberal Arts degree are have inspired our contemporary world. really just reinforcing what Classicists What’s the degree programme, you ask? have known all along. We all know that it was the ancient Greeks and Romans who (A little smugly, perhaps.) showed that a broad education in artes liberales was the best kind of training for I’m talking about the King’s degree in young adults who are going to lead and Liberal Arts. This is a pioneering transform the world around them. We programme at King’s, which allows know that reading a work written two students to choose modules freely from and a half millennia ago grants us a academic disciplines across the arts, better understanding of the modern humanities and social sciences. world. We know that a myth never means just one thing. We know that Don’t I feel a little conflicted championing that degree, when my heart taking an interdisciplinary approach to a topic is still often the best way to develop belongs to Classics? a properly nuanced and original line of argument. We know that archaeology Well no, actually. I worked in America complicates historiography, and vice for nearly a decade, where the vast versa (also, we know what vice versa majority of undergraduates study for a means). degree in Liberal Arts. There I developed considerable respect for the programme. American universities believe that it is tough to ask students to specialise before they’ve been able to discover various academic subjects that their high schools might not have offered.

Anyway, studying a subject at degree level is different from studying it at school, so it is considered good to have a trial period. All first year students study a range of subjects, and only start to specialise or ‘major’ in a single discipline during the last couple of years of their degree programme. Even then, students are encouraged to keep thinking across disciplines, to consider how one field of enquiry might be enriched by knowledge

Classics is, in fact, the Liberal Arts degree that never went away; we’ve been offering our own version of ‘liberal arts’ education for centuries. Modules in archaeology, ancient history, Latin and Greek language and literature are all now offered as part of the Liberal Arts degree at King’s, because classical ideas underpin the world in which we live, and because classical studies show us how to interpret that world. As far as I’m concerned, Classics and Liberal Arts is a match made in heaven, and I’m delighted to encourage prospective students to apply for the degree programmes offered by both departments.

The Soane Museum: How a museum should be

By Ella Braidwood

Overlooking Lincoln’s Inns Fields, the Soane Museum is the perfect getaway from the business of nearby Kingsway. Whilst the admissions process is rather unusual for a museum - to protect its narrow interior, bags and coats must be deposited in the cloakroom before entering – it is this atypical security which epitomises the essence of the museum as a whole; the Soane Museum is refreshingly different to your average museum. Left as close as possible to the state in which Sir John Soane left it upon his death in 1837, one is presented with a collection that is open to the public but displayed within a very private space; it is a house-museum in which a spookily realistic 19th century atmosphere has been protected.

Photography is not allowed, mobile phones must be switched off and groups larger than six must pre-book. Needless to say, the result is pleasing, for there are no large mobs of tourists blocking corridors and slowly making their way from room to room in a congealed sludge as they experience everything through a camera lens. Rather, the interior is elegant, romantic, almost sort of spriritual. The Soane Museum is what a museum should be. An absence of placards means that the viewer is required to examine the carefully arranged artefacts in order see their importance for his or her self; you are required to think rather than being spoon fed information. The collection itself is excellent and displays a vast array of material: a 19th century astronomical clock, 17th century paintings and a 13th century wooden ceiling boss from the now-destroyed Palace Hall at Westminster. There is, too, a great emphasis on the ancient world. Highlights include the 4th century BC ‘Cawdor Vase’, a full-size cast of the cornice and part of a capital of the Temple of Castor and Pollux in Rome, and Roman marble statues of Aesculapius and Diana of Ephesus. Perhaps most notable is the sarcophagus of King Seti I (1303-1290 BC) displayed in the Sepulchral Chamber. Made from ‘Egyptian alabaster’ and engraved in hieroglyphics that depict the soul’s passage through the underworld, this sarcophagus is one of the most important discoveries from Ancient Egypt.

Architecturally, the Museum is a masterpiece that reflects Soane’s ingenuity as its designer. Convex mirrors provide the illusion of additional space, whilst the effect of coloured light is achieved through concealed skylights. For me, the Soane Museum was a truly pleasant surprise. But go and see it for yourself !

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

CUPPLE of POEMS At the beginning of March, King’s College London hosted a highly controversial debate regarding the authenticity of the Warren Cup. The silver drinking vessel, with its strikingly explicit homoerotic imagery, is one of the most prized treasures of the British Museum. Originally dated from the 1st century AD, Prof. Luca Giuliana, from Humboldt University, Berlin, contested that the cup was in fact a creation of the early 20th Century to please the tastes of wealthy American gay man, Edward Perry Warren. Further evidence is required to back up Prof Giuliana’s remarkable claim.

Warrent a Glance

Loocuplike

Ein Stein

By Anonymous President

By E. Ditor

By Cam Embert

Staring into the cup Questioning its authenticity Considering its size Debating its age.

The German thinks it’s fake The BM thinks it’s real I think I should concentrate more on the lecture And less on Dr Pillinger

There once was an old silver cup, That got all the profs muddled up.

It seems ancient and Roman, But doesn’t that eromenos look just like Lord Alfred Douglas?

This cup is so saucy – risque – It just has to be Roman we say.

But along came a German Who said, “I determine Zis cup vos made just ze ozzer day”

Gina Miller’s

FASHION FORUM This week we’ll be looking at Messalina’s outfit.

Messalina comes from Rome and hopes to read Media Studies at Nottingham.

Might I begin by complimenting this puella on her firm young thigh. What a welcome change it is to see young Roman girls revealing what some might consider to be an obscene measure of flesh. The hairstyle is unusual and I can only think the colour was achieved through some sort of toxic dye. If she’s anything like my Corinna, too much more of that dye will have her hair falling out.

-­‐ Ovid, Tomis

Messalina, while admittedly scantily clad, has a definite flair for style. Note how she’s cleverly paired the rouge on her lips with the vibrant shawl (palla). It’s lovely to see people really playing with colours - getting dressed should be fun! Now let’s talk about this cuirass; as flattering as it is non-protective, we can see that Messalina has gone for style over substance, which is fine as long as she’s not planning any visits to the gladiatorial ring. More likely she’s planning on gladiators visiting her ring.

Something must be said about these armbands – utterly gaudy.

Otherwise - you go girl!!

-­‐ Marcus, Pompeii!

This outfit is the moral degeneracy of Rome in an nutshell. The tailored gladiatorial attire alludes to the sort of violence and animalistic behaviour that needs to be capped. I wouldn’t wear this sort of garb to scrub the floor in let alone have my portrait painted.

What would her paterfamilias say. The only thing that could improve this outfit would be to burn it and forget it had ever existed.

-­‐ Jennifer Aniston, Herculaneum

THENEWSATYRICA EASTER ISSUE March 2014

AGORA AUNT Dear Agora Aunt,

Ok, here’s my issue: everyone keeps blaming me for the Trojan War. It’s like what do you want me to do?

Apologise for being so hot? Oh, I’m so sorry my face launched a thousand ships. I’m sorry that Aphrodite considered me the most beautiful woman in the world. Why can’t people just get over it? It’s like they think I didn’t suffer too, being a Trojan princess for ten years. Where’s Gorgias when you need him?

- Helen

Readers’ responses *blushes* – Lavinia ‘I get you girl, some people just can’t help being so hot.’ – Narcissus ‘So hot, so hot, so hot.’ – Echo ‘Raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimised by Helen of Troy’ – Hecabe

Agora Aunt’s verdict Maybe everyone just hates you because you’re such a self-obsessed bitch.

Until next time, Agora Aunt xx (G.C.)

SUDOKUS