Techlique Sunday, April 1, 2012 • Volume π, Issue e • nique.net
The North’s deadliest pre-school newsletter
Hot, dense place
CBS documentary explores tribe of mammals living in Pasadena, CA.431
CULC squatters enter third month of protests
Photo by Rick Shaw / Student Publications
The Occupy CULC movement has built momentum across a broad spectrum of campus. Above, students refuse to leave the CULC building during a planned protest. By Mon E. Bags But could the building be just escaping from his dirt-stained lips. napkins,” Lee said. employment,” said Dan D. Lyons, a little too inviting? With such deThe squatters mostly sleep, but The next morning the room head of opposition efforts. Investment Banker lightful amenities it’s understand- more organized activity seems to was empty upon search. Security As this trend continues and the The G. Wayne Clough Un- able that it might attract those be on the rise. is doing its best to keep control of homeless begin to make homes in dergraduate Learning Commons who lack the essentials: shelter, “I don’t think I’ll ever recov- the situation, although they are the beloved CULC, students must (CULC) was created with the vi- warmth and powder rooms. er from what I saw that night,” faced with many obstacles. be wary of their surroundings. sion of having a sustainable buildThe first sightings of these said Brock Lee, a fourth-year “Our squatting campaign “We fully support the Occupy ing on campus that would serve as “Clough-squatters” or Clough- GHYTSN major. Mussolini’s eyes started out small, but is growing CULC movement. Its ‘We are the a gathering point for students to squats began occurring mid-Jan- clenched with the pained memory by the hour, as students increas- 99 percent’ slogan truly speaks collaborate on schoolwork, culti- uary, as temperatures fell under of what he witnessed the night be- ingly buy into our vision,” said to our values,” said Mickey Gorvate their passions and encourage winter’s strong grip. fore in the bean bag room. Jim Sox, the President of Tech’s bachev, Starbucks manager, who studious habits. The building pro“They make me feel awkward “There was hooting and howl- Occupy CULC chapter. “We are noted an 80 percent revenue invides everything a student could and uncomfortable while I am ing. They had a metal trash recep- the 99 percent.” crease over the past three weeks need for a long night; Starbucks, trying to study,” said Hugh De- tacle and were stirring something “Sometimes, I can’t tell wheth- alone. “It’s time that someone bean bag chairs, dry erase boards Mann, a second-year BA major, using a large wooden paddle. er it’s a squat sitting in the chair, bridged the wide gap between the and even showers in case the long as a Clough-squat was slumped in They were mostly naked, spare a typical college student or an art snooty and lazy one percent and nights become sleepy mornings. the chair next to him, deep snores loincloths made from Starbucks history student practicing for un- the hard-working 99 percent.”
Phasers approved for concealed carry
range, my long range capabilities have been With a unanimous deci- severely limsion by the state legislature ited. With the late last night, the right to ability to carry carry phasers on campus has my standard issued been approved. Kzinti phaser on and around “This marks a pivotal campus I’m now safe at any point in Tech’s history. Safety range. Tech students should and technology, two of our no longer have to worry great university’s biggest con- about criminals again. For cerns, have now come any would together to create a “For any would be thugs out single solution to a there, I say, problem that has been be thugs out ‘Come at plaguing campus for there, I say, me, Bro,’” sometime now,” said said WilInstitute President ‘Come at me, liam NimG.P. “Bud” Peter- Bro.’” roy, thirdson in a statement year DADA moments after hear- William (Defense ing that the bill was Nimroy Against the passed. Dark Arts) DADA ‘13 Students in supmajor and port of the bill agree with NRA member. Peterson, saying that the right The bill will now go to to carry concealed phasers on the desk of Governor Nathan campus will drastically re- Deal, who is expected to sign duce the amount of on cam- the bill into law. pus crime. “This piece of legislation “I’ve been carrying nun- is really cutting edge and will chucks and ninja stars for likely serve as a model for years. While effective at close safety on college campuses By Armand Hammer Star Trek Expert
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across the country. It’s some thing all Georgians should be proud of,” Deal said. This comes just days after the passage of another law supporting the lawful possession of lightsabers on campus and the great “Students for Campus Safety” riots. Already, the economy of the state of Georgia has seen an uptick in activity as ven-
dors from across the galaxy have been pouring in to take root in a previously untapped market. Spaceco, currently the largest manufacturer of phasers in the Milky Way Galaxy, has proposed plans to build a store in Midtown, where customers could try out different products before purchasing them.
News Briefs North Ave Dining Hall to roll out permanent 24-hour option Because the student traffic between 3 a.m. and 7 a.m. at the North Avenue Dining Hall (NADH) continues to fall short of requirements, NADH has decided to place vending machines inside to continually provide 24-hour service to students. “It’s brilliant,” said Monsieur Ratatouille, head chef of the dining hall. “Now we won’t be wasting food or our time.” This plan still requires students to scan their BuzzCard to gain access to the machines. “We don’t want [the homeless] and the like coming here for the food,” Ratatouille said. “Then we’d have to refill the machines during the time period because they’d all eat the darn food!” However, the vending machines will still be closed Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. “Our goal is to save money,” Ratatouille said. “By closing these machines at that time, we’ll save money on electricity. ‘Tis the season for green. Environmentally speaking of course.” The content in the machines, however, will be the same as those throughout the campus. “We’ll have candybars and stuff like that in there,” said Koyn Slot, Vending Machines Global Infrastructure Consultant. “It won’t be anything special, but if 24 hours is what the students want, then that’s what they get.”