THWUGA - 2009

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NOVEMBER 24, 2009 VOLUME 95, ISSUE 18 !""#$%&#'&()#$%*$#+$),#(&#-./'$0 Almost 100 percent new content!

ONLINE: www.nique.net

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Hell Georgia wi th

TUESDAY

A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA

Photo by Jamie Howell/Picture Taking People

Bear named new Dean of Forestry By Chris P. Bacon Bear Mediator

Photo by I.R. Drunk/Picture Taking People

Dean Bear oversees new mandates on increasing student awareness of forest fires.

Admissions cut with increased reading levels By Moe Ronn Academic Mediocrity Officer

Last year, U[sic]GA decided to increase the minimum reading standards for incoming freshmen to the 3rd grade level. The change resulted in a 50% cut in admissions. This decision was made in response to recent budget cuts by the University System of Georgia’s Board of Regents (BoR) due to the economic downturn. These budget cuts have forced U[sic]GA to make cuts to their faculty size. Of which, the admissions staff was hit the hardest. “Our staff is simply unable to go through the applications of the many otherwise fine second-graders. To help them we increased the minimum reading standards to aid our admissions staff,” said Lou Pole, director of admissions. Also because of budget cuts U[sic]GA has been forced to delay the hiring and refilling of vacated faculty positions. “This downturn has made us unable to maintain the superb faculty that has provided the students with the qualitypartying experience, we mean education, that we have provided for so long,” Pole said. With the cuts in admissions, U[sic]GA can expect to maintain the similar student-faculty ratios compared to previous years, finally bringin them in line with state day-care and child safety standards, a long-time goal. U[sic]GA has found itself particularly hard-hit by this financial crisis. When the BoR announced the budget cuts they are expressed as a percentage or portion of the operating budget. “Because we don’t have the prominence of other schools like Georgia Tech and whatnot, we can’t command as large of a research budget that would otherwise provide some support during these financially difficult times,” said Harry Pitts, senior vice president for finance administration.

Officials at U[sic]GA announced last Friday that Smokey D. Bear has been named the new Dean of the Warnell School of Forestry and Natural Resources. Reports have come in from local residents claiming that Dean Smokey is not in fact

the well-known fire safety advocate from the United States Forest Service public service announcements, but is instead a 456 lb. male black bear that had been seen lumbering around campus earlier in the week. The hire came as quite a shock to many at the school including the former Dean himself who was forced to flee

through a second story window after the bear was led into his office with a trail of mixed nuts and assorted berries and locked inside. The bear’s first order of business as the new dean was to run about wildly, knocking over tables, chairs, and bookshelves. This redecoration was followed by an extended nap on the antique executive desk.

Although it was previously believed that they would intervene in the matter, the Board of Regents has decided to “let this one go,” according to the Board’s Vice Chair Richard D. Philips, “since it definitely can’t make things any worse there.” When reached for comment, Dean Smokey bared his See Dean, Page 2

ECONOMIC PLUNGER

Toilet paper shortages may lead to a lack of UGA diplomas

Photo by Emma Roids/ Pictures not Books

Schnei-Schnei Jones lifts his diploma up high at last May’s commencement ceremony. Jones and his fellow graduates could be the last of U[sic]GA graduates to receive their diplomas, due to the toilet paper shortage and economic downturn.

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By Joe Plumber Plumber Extraordinaire

Photo by Emma Roids/Pictures not Books

The flagging economy has slowed the production of many commodities, including the toilet paper industry. This shortage could have severe repercussions, includin’ one on diploma availability, a worry plaguing the U[sic] GA. “There is definite concern that there might not be enough toilet paper with which to print our diplomas on come graduation day,” said Seymour Butte, director of both Administrations and

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one of the Alcoholics Anonymous clinics in Athens. “We’ve been thinking of several replacements, but there aren’t many materials that hold as many advantages that toilet paper does. For example, we pride ourselves in telling prospective students that a Georgia degree holds many advantages. Like, if you had to go to the bathroom and it turns out that the owner forgot to stock up on toilet paper, well then you’ll be in luck as you’ll have your diploma. In fact, research shows that our diplomas

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See Diploma, page 3

TOILET PAPER

t /PWFNCFS t Technique

THWUGA: As much City of Athens, Greece renamed about us as them By Hercules Cacockpolous Senior Demi-god

By the Technique

If it’s your first year at Georgia Tech—or if you are a University of Georgia student lucky enough to lay eyes on this issue of the Technique—welcome to “To Hell With Georgia,” a very special edition of the “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper.” In the following pages you will find alcohol, rednecks, farm animals and lots of dawgs. We members of the Technique are often asked how the tradition of THWUGA began. Friends say that by producing such a “rag,” we Tech students merely perpetuate unfortunate stereotypes—of Athens students as drunken rednecks and ourselves as geeks with inferiority complexes—that are no longer as true as they once were. The answer to these questions are the same every time; THWUGA is as much about us as it is about our rivals. Some 97 years ago, the first edition of the Technique published on Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page paper that focused primarily on the upcoming football contest with Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly and incorrectly, that the Jackets would triumph over the Bulldogs. From these “modest” roots, the present day Technique came into being. And it is these roots that we as a staff honor when we produce

“To Hell With Georgia.” Over the years, the Technique has produced various issues mocking UGA’s daily newspaper, The Red and Black, and the constituency it serves. It’s been called The Rude and Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead story has ranged from airport security classes to Ford sponsorships. But it is not the name of the paper or the content within it that matters most to us; it is the tradition embodied in this issue that we hold dear—a tradition of ingenuity and creativity that binds us together not only as a newspaper staff, but also as a Tech community. While the jokes may tend to be the same, lame or just plain crude, we stay dedicated to the fact of honoring our humble beginnings. Maintaining high journalistic standards and being the voice of Tech students is the primary concern of the Technique , but through this special issue we still keep alive the moniker of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper”. So as you flip through these 16 pages keep in mind it’s all in good humor and meant to make you thankful and proud to be a Jacket. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it. Remember, this issue is as much about you, me and Ma Tech as it is about UGA.

In an act to preserve national pride, the Prime Minister of Greece announced Monday that after dealing with decades of disappointment and embarrassment, the citizens of Greece have elected to rename the nation’s capital and largest city, Athens, to end its association with its former sister city of Athens, Georgia. Recent polls have indicated that many residents of the city have been confused for quite some time as to why the birthplace of such great ideas like democracy, philosophy, and modern science would be affiliated with a community that is home to the “cesspool of the South.” Many went as far as saying that they actually hate the small Georgian city, its obsession with smushed-faced dogs, and the general lack of basic hygienic practices amongst the population. A tiny village on the outskirts of the capital has even submitted multiple

Dean

from page 1 teeth and let out a loud roar before swiping his massive paw at the journalist, who suffered only mild abrasions and a broken rib. Though it has only been a week since he was appointed to office, the Dean’s term has not been without controversy amongst the student body. Allegations have arisen that Smokey may be of the

Photo by Iona Traktor/ Heavy Machinery

Citizens of Athens, Greece, demand name change following more than 200 years of humiliation due to another Athens institution. proposals to the government, all outlining a plan to “summon the power of Zeus to sink the whole place into the ocean just like Atlantis!” stating that it would be “wicked awesome!” Although the referendum was passed through Parliament on Sunday, there is still no official word on what the new name will

actually be. Suggestions have been pouring in from across the country with several along the lines of “ThwU[sic]GAopolis,” and “Pissondawga”. Officials from the city of Athens, Georgia declined to comment out of fear of being kicked into a “frickin’ huge bottomless pit” by a particularly angry Spartan.

subspecies Ursus americanus floridanus, or as they are more commonly known, Florida Black Bear. According to polls, a majority of students are, “plum angry,” at the thought of the university hiring a “doody-headed Gator fan!” Not all of the university’s recent changes in faculty have been as disputed. Dean Scruff McGruff, a 9-year-old Bloodhound

once used for hunting, has streamlined the curriculum at U[sic]GA’s School of Law to include learning to sniff out guilty culprits, bark madly, and bite if necessary. Dean G. Gecko, a student’s former pet lizard, has been rather successful at the Terry College of Business bringing the graduation rate up to an astounding 3.5%—its highest in years.

TOILET PAPER

Technique t /PWFNCFS t 3

Mysterious cave drawings revealed By Art Syfartsy Caveman

Late last week, renowned cryptozoologist Dr. Fanny O’Rear arrived in Athens to personally continue his search for the artist apparently using U[sic]GA buildings as his or her artistic canvas. In a recent interview about his new mission, O’Rear stated, “From the evidence so readily apparent, it is clear to me we must be dealing with a living specimen of man’s Cro-Magnon ancestors. The faculty was dubious at my first insistent pleas to commence a search. They ignored me for weeks; taking the opportunity to constantly lambaste me that the only possible explanation of such art on their campus would be invisible aliens or a rather intelligent farm animal.” However, Dr. O’Rear’s moment came when bipedal prints appeared under the newest work. Most everyone has rapidly shifted to Dr. O’Rear’s theory believing no other as a possibility. The faculty, in a move to identify if this individual is hiding among the student body, has dispersed artis-

tic aptitude tests. “We will feel so proud if this caveman is among our students,” said Professor Gripes, “never have I held out so much hope that a U[sic]GA student could have such a talent to develop.” Graders have refused to present the results of the examination. Rumors suggest that multiple students have met the criteria for the suspected specimen. However, Gripes shared some of his hopes as to the eventual conclusion. Gripes said, “Never had I thought it possible, but here we just may be able to identify a prehistoric person by intelligence. Think of what may be revealed when he or she is discovered. Could it even be that he is of a clan that has survived here at U[sic]GA with little or no genetic harm since the establishment of this institution? I find that to be my grandest dream now that I have witnessed this U[sic]GA environment.” In related news, Geico, having heard the possibility of a living Cro-Magnon, has changed its tagline to “So easy a dawg could do it.”

Photo by I.R. Something

U[sic]GA officials call in professionals to investigate recently discovered cave drawings on academic buildings across campus.

FAIR WARNING

Photo by Michael James / Student Publications

See this? This really happened. No exaggeration, elaboration or explanation needed. Now that the game is being played on the Jackets’ home turf, it’s the Dawgs chance to not mess up.

Diploma

from page 1

accrue more value after such usage. If we were to switch materials then there would be no advantage,” Butte said. Some think this break from tradition represents a grave threat to the university. “It’s been the time-honored tradition to print our diplomas on high quality toilet paper. We’ve already broken from our other traditions like upgrading the minimum required reading level to the third grade. Besides, why do I need to take English? I already know English. It’s unpossible for me to fail it. Look at what’s happened ever since the switch: enrollment’s already dropped 50%. A change to our diploma material would be a greater threat to our institution than mandating a basic level of hygiene,” said Jim Shorts,

an irate redneck who didn’t actually attend U[sic]GA. Actual Georgia students are split upon the possibility of a change. “I mean, what’s going to like happen if we had to like go backpacking like in the woods or something? You know what I mean? Like I wouldn’t have needed to pack extra toilet stuff as I could have just brought my diploma. If I were to bring extra toilet stuff then I wouldn’t be able to bring all my old Sports Illustrated issues back when our football team was still number 1,” said Heywood Jablomey, a 12th year senior majoring in Cowbell Instrumentation. Other students think the change is a good thing. “As for Yablomey, I’ve got an idea as to what he can use those old issues for. Anyways, who cares

what the diplomas are printed on? They can use whatever type of paper they want for all I care like tissue or graphite. The real value is in the education we receive. After all, you never know when you have to weave baskets underwater,” said Jenny Tulls, a 6th year Underwater Basket Weaver. Though the discussion remains heated, officials are confident a solution is close. “Here at Georgia, we believe in tradition but that doesn’t mean we won’t embrace something new. I mean, it was acceptable before to date our cousins and once it became frowned upon, some students persisted. Now look at the progress we’ve made, reports of inter-cousin shenanigans at Athens are down 10% this year! I am supremely confident that Georgia will weather this storm like it has previous ones,” Butte said.

sliver

www.nique.net

Return to SC at the lost and found … or to GT police, they be all around… Just please, please return my key… why is the sliver box so freaking hard to find! Oh my gosh I know who the sliver editor is now! Why are there so many WREK haters that know absolutely nothing about the radio station? Bridget, you are beautiful. Esther, you are the cutest Asian ever. Emily, you are my one true love. Boys at Tech, you stinkkkkkk Clint, I joined the sail club for you. Antonio from Twelth Night, you made Twelth Night the number one night of my life. When there are flies on your roommates clothes, you know its time for her to clean her junk up. Trumpet player with the bright ‘roos, you make me smile. Edward, please marry me. What I’ve learned from Bellichick and Johnson is that going for it on 4th and 1 is okay. 4th and 2? Not so much. Math department is the nerdiest department...crosses CS and maybe EE!!! georgia tech-a drinking school with an engineering problem And its 1 am again, and I am tossing and turning thinking about you....DSP. Oh How you make me complete. They are coming to take me away haha, they are coming to take me away hoho... Citi presents the Exxon Mobile College of Management in sponsorship with Tostitos The only difference between being charming and creepy is the reaction. GT PARKING BLOWS THE BIG ONE Who are these people? freshman survival guide only helps to a certain degree, whether you can survive at tech still depends on how smart you are I sense a disturbance in the bogus

!!"#$%&'(%))'*+,-.+/%01 !"$$,&'2.//34

We Thunk It “”

Opinions Editor: Esther Bunni Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets! —Spongebob Squarepants

OUR VIEWS CONSENSUS OPINION

Save real majors from cuts

Law school should be eliminated due to budget constraints We feel like we need to speak out against the injustices of cutting the budgets of all schools on campus equally, when the most of students will be hurt by such allocations. Instead of lettin all departments suffer in these trying economic times, we should be brave enough to simply cut the departments that real dawgs don’t need and save the real majors from cuts that we don’t like. Although we see the importance of departments such as the law school to the few students enrolled there, most students at U[sic]GA would not feel the loss of those majors. By cuttin from their departments, we can ensure that there is enough money to sustain the departments that are the lifeblood of our university, like football. When faced with a crisis like statewide budget cuts, everyones gotta wanna make sacrifices and agree to scale programs back to the core of what bein a Dawg means. For the majority of students here, we

can agree that the schools that matter are those we can actually make a living off of when we graduate like Crop Sciences and Animal Husbandry. No one will miss the law school students constantly using big words in the dining hall and insisting that animals be contained to one side of campus and not allowed to graze freely. Plus, their soonto-be empty buildings can be demolished to have more room for farming land. If just cuttin the law school does not free enough money to save other departments from cuts, we then suggest cutting the math department. Not failing Geometry would help boost all of our GPAs anyway. We’re hopin that the administration seriously considers our proposal for the common good. By gettin the law school, they maintain the best interests of the majority of students, and besides, having less lawyers in the world would be an added bonus.

The Consensus Opinion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the THWUGA, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.

Technique Editorial Board Anita Drank, Boss Lady Budda Face, Desperate Bo Rang, Kentucky Fumbler

Lolly Popper, Sexpert Miss Guatemala, Race Relations Chair Josh Kidding, Football Is Fun Cass Tigate, Drunk Life Esther Bunni, Thoughts and Stuff

Spud Hasselhoff, Money Getter Sans Cannabis, Etch-a-Sketch Draw-er Swan Lake, Prettiness Doer Totalia Feminista, Arrested Development Ta-Bibbity Boppity-Boo, Old News

THWUGA

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

THINGS YOU THOUGHT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

There should be laws against outfit robbers Write to us: letters@thwuga.net

Barbie Horton 8th-year Fashion History

We welcome your letters in response to THWGA content as well as topics relevant to campus. We will print letters on a timely and space-available basis. Letters should not exceed 400 words and must not be written on any material other than paper. Napkins are acceptable, but not preferred. While we appreciate the creativity of play-dough representations, videos of interpretive dances, ect, these mediums are not easily manipulated into print format and will not be published. Pictures must be originals and not taken from coloring books. Letters must be submitted by Tuesday in order to be printed in the following Friday’s issue. Include your full name, year (1st, 2nd, etc.) and major.

Bail for underage drinking arrests cuts into beer budget

EDITORIAL CARTOON BY AVA SECTEMY

Jack Daniels 1st-year Animal Husbandry

WE THUNK IT

Technique t /PWFNCFS t 5

Technology is just plain evil and dumb According to my friend Mr. Spacey, in 2012 the world will end. My friend Mr. Sandberg told me that will happen too, unless my good friend Mrs. Palin runs for president. That is a scary future. My professor in typin’ class told me that the future is technology. That means that technology is scary, and I think we should stop it. My professors keep tryin’ to teach me things about technology, but I already learned all I need to know about technology from the only good technology, television. According to that Mr. Baldwin on television, aliens are taking over the internets with their alien hulu-hoops and are gonna slurp our brains out. I need my brains rememberin thing, not for slurping, so that’s not good. Plus, in that Terminator movie the internet went up into the sky and took over the world and tried to kill us all. I have seen my friend from that smart person school Tech on the internet before, and it looks real boring and nerdy, so I don’t understand it, and my friend Mr. Beck from TV taught me that stuff I don’t understand is all evil and bad and nazi-communist, so internet is bad too. As a side note, could someone explain to me what a nazicommunist is?

“Plus, in that Terminator movie the internet went up into the sky and took over the world and tried to kill us all.” Anita Drank Boss Lady

See, the way I see it, it’s only a matter of time until technology gets smarter than us. I figur’ my smartness is about level 9, and I saw on TV that the new-fangled Windows technology was already at level 7. That’s only 4 more levels until the Windows is smarter than me. Why do we even need smart windows? My windows are not smart, and they are just fine for looking out of and stuff. Even the windows at those other smart-folks schools seem fine. They work real well every time I throw a brick at them. I also heard that our school has some technologi-fied majors, like that engineering thing that they do at Tech. I do not think we should do that, since having engineering technology types around just means that there will be people to turn into cyborgs when the robots try to take over. See, if we have people in the rooms with the computers when they attack, those people

will all go first, so we should all stay at least two turnip fields away from computers all the time. Except on game day, then somebody should stay next to the computer to make sure the game clock works. Our idea to let the game clock turn into a cyborg and run itself did not work well last week, maybe thats why those dumb kitty-cats beat us dawgs. Cyborgs are the scariest part of the future. They are like people, but instead of having skin and eating possums and tippin’ cows for fun, they are covered in computers and eat brains and kill us all for fun. Between the TV people on the internet doing the huluhoop and eating our brains and the zombies that were running around campus a few weeks ago, I don’t think I can protect my brain from any more technologies. Shoot, I have been so busy protecting my brain that I haven’t even had time to use it. Fortunately, my friend Mr.

Limbaugh told me I don’t have to use my brain. He and Mr. Beck will tell me what to do so I don’t have to use my brain to protect it from the evil technologies. That’s real good, because I can listen to them all day long on that news site on the internets. I guess that’s technology, kinda, but if it includes Mr. Beck’s approval, then I guess it’s ok. We should at least control that dang technology to only be used to hear what we need to do for the day and think while we protect our brains from slurping and the flying sky internets. We need to keep controlling technology, not letting it control us. When clocks do stuff like tellin’ us what time it is, or radios tell us what day of the week it is, that’s just one more step towards the end of the world. The technologies will get us, unless we get them first. That’s why we have to keep doin’ stuff like turnin’ the game clock off at the end of the game when we are losing. Because remember, if no-one takes a picture of a technology telling us we are losing, then we ain’t losing. On that note, we should destroy cameras, since they are gonna capture your soul, which is a lot like your brain. Let’s all join together and shun those scary technologies.

Stupid Tebow’s vodoo makes us badder UGA is famous for one thing, our football program. We have always been titans of the SEC, athletes so strong that it didn’t matter that we couldn’t spell our own names, a team that was so unified we could spend thousands of dollars on uniforms that changed nothing about how well we played the game. But now, our program is in shambles. The Dawgs have been bitten hard, and it is the fault of one man. No, not Head Coach Mark Richt, may he be praised. No, not defensive coordinator Willie Martinez, may he pay for his sins. The man behind this evil curse, this unnatural arrangement, is none other than the orange-shirted jorts-wearing devil himself, Tim Tebow. From a young age Tim Tebow showed an unnatural predisposition for cursing the glorified Dawgs. Our angelic black and red were flying high, proudly bearing the honor of Dawgs before us when the young T(evil)bow first threw a football, a day in which dawgs worldwide felt a pang cracking right through our favorite bone, but did not know why. As the years progressed, our team soared above all others, until this year. This year, as a senior, Tebow’s voodoo power has come into full force. The evil pacts he made during his years “helping others” and “volunteering” seem to have

so there shouldn’t be no options on the field. All’s I know is that we’ve got to stop having so many blasted options to play with and just choose the only one that is acceptable and that is to Wes Consin win. It just ain’t possible with Tebow around bringing us all Football Commentater down. This Paul Johnson guy they got thar at Tech sounds like they whooped us, we had to he might be crazy like Tebow. watch their team sit at the He not only has options durtop of those fancy footballin’ ing the game, but three! That charts all year long while our is just plain unacceptable. He righteous Dawgs fell off the just needs to pick. I know I lists. can’t handle three options, and Who cares if our team the rest of our players certainly quarterback couldn’t complete can’t. a pass playing against a 12-and So, in response to this under team? Who cares if we world-wide anti-Dawgs plague lost to Kentucky for the first that is taking over the great time in 32 years at home, when state of Georgia, I have a sugthey were playing with a fresh- gestion. Let’s just do like the man QB half the time. scoreboard guy does at the Who cares if the only bowl end of the games when we are we will get to go to is the Toilet losing. Instead of showing up Bowl. We are the Dawgs, and on Saturday, let’s just stay at the Dawgs are number one. Or home. Skip the football playwe would be, if it wasn’t for ing and get straight to the dogthat Tebow. gie-stylin’, the barkin’ and the And now we have to go and Keystone Light. play another top ten team this That way, Tim Tebow week. Now sure, they don’t and that new crazy man Paul have the evil voodoo powers of Johnson won’t have a chance Tebow on their side, but they to work their voodoo magic got some sort of magical op- on us. We can’t lose if we run tion stuff that our team just away or are too drunk to play don’t understand. and then aren’t even there. Football isn’t about options, That way we angelic, powits about fightin’, and barkin’ erful and majestic Dawgs can and goin’ home and chugging keep our honor, by running down some Keystone Light. home with our tails between There ain’t no options in that, our legs.

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!"#$%&'()*+$,

What is the best way to spend your weekend?

Albert Cohaulic Third-year Basket Weaving

“ Screaming at the football games. WHOOO!”

Amanda Huginkiss First-year Bovine Sciences

“Like, partying and stuff.”

“Skip the football...That way, Tim Tebow and that new crazy man Paul Johnson won’t have a chance to work their vodoo...”

increased his popularity beyond bounds. His need to maintain “morals” and “Christian values” baffle us on the football field. How can we play football if we obey laws of decency? The only way to play is to hold, foul, and grab face-masks for almost 100 yards of penalty, like we did against then Kentuckians, and that didn’t even let us win. That’s is because of Tim Tebow. Before he started playing with his high-falutin throwin’ and complete passes, the only way to play football was to run at the other guy and try to hurt them without those guys in the striped shirts throwing you off the field for fouls. Whatever. Ain’t nothing foul about a good smackdown. There ain’t gonna be any more Saturdays in Athens this year, and that’s a good thing. The humiliation dealt to us at the hands of that evil, moralistic, super-successful and beloved Tim Tebow was just too much to handle. After driving down to Jacksonville to play them where

Moe Lester Second-year Forestry

“Drink. Or smoke. Or both!”

Maya Butreaks Third-year Animal Husbandry

“Wranglin’ cows n’ stuff.” Photos by Sans Cannabis

WE THUNK IT

t /PWFNCFS t Technique

Top 10 things I wish I knew HOT– or –NOT before coming to U[sic]GA OUR VIEWS HOT OR NOT

Beer is yummy

Tebow sucks

Thanksgiving turkeys

Algebra now required

So I love being a Dawg as “How’s a man supposed to much as any other U[sic]GA fan, but sometimes I wish be the alpha male if he has that they had mentioned all to share a room with another the bad stuff I needed to predawg?” pare for before getting here. Here’s the 10 things you Monty Zooma should know so you don’t get Official Counter all confused like I did. 1. S, E and C are not the 5. “Donde esta la bibliote- therefore aren’t allowed only letters of the alpha- ca?” actually has answer. on campus. bet I need to memorize. I thought this was just First off, what kind of colIt took me half an hour some funny-sounding phrase lege administration would just to write this one sen- that I learned in my Mexi- take away our beloved Sectence. I kept having to look can class. I never thought ond Amendment rights? back at my SparkCharts that there actually was one of What if I needed to shoot cheat sheet for the other 23 these “la biblioteca” things. a squirrel to get some late letters. Actually, we have four on night grub? Or what if I 2. Beer pong is not a var- campus...who knew? I don’t wanted to shoot some skeet really go in them at all, ex- between classes? This blows. sity sport. cept to use the pisser on 9. The Arch on campus is I spent four years in high gameday. school perfecting my beer 6. Big trucks won’t fit in not actually McDonald’s. pong skills, expecting to be a With all this talk about walk-on for the team. Turns regular parking spaces. the “Arch” and its traditions out there ain’t one. I personI was used to driving my at U[sic]GA, I was disapally think it takes lots of skill big truck into lots of differ- pointed that they weren’t to get a small ball in a small ent-sized and different-col- actually talking about Mccup while drunk. ored parking spaces at my Donald’s, the most luxurious 3. 22 is too old for the high school. I was shocked and gourmet eatery that I’ve to discovered how all these ever been to. Instead I was Athens bar scene. parking spaces are the same. served a super-sized dose of I started going to the bars One size really doesn’t fit all. learnin’. I’m NOT lovin’ it. downtown my freshman 7. Co-ed dorm rooms 10. You actually need a year, and even then I was one driver’s license to drive in of the oldest people there. aren’t allowed. My senior year, I headed Dern housing people Athens. out with some friends only won’t let me room with any to discover that drinks were females, even if she’s only my I always thought that Athbeing served in baby bottles half-sister. How’s a man sup- ens was some magic fun and sippy cups. Also, the posed to be the alpha male if zone where you didn’t need “my-age-divided-by-two- he has to share a room with a license. I looked up to the football team and took after plus-seven” rule didn’t really another Dawg? their example, which didn’t apply to half of the chicks at 8. Rifles are a firearm, and work out so well after all... the bar.

Drunk Life

Organization Spotlight: Club Crayola Club that promotes the practice of coloring inside the lines as well as safe crayon usage (e.g. crayon-in-nose prevention methods). Contact: www.thwuga.net

THWUGA

7

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Enforcement of underage drinking laws causes recession By Dina Soars Professional Beer Taster

Photo by Dick Burns/ Picture People

Hundreds of students protest the local police enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. The city of Athens is experiencing very difficult economic times because of the lack of beer and liquor sales.

Incredibly low test scores and high pregnancy rates in the Athens area have left officials for the city searching for a solution. Government officials identified underage drinking as the main source of the problem, forcing police to finally take action in fully enforcing the 21 and over drinking age. Police sprang into action by patrolling every liquor store and fraternity in town, as well as forcing everyone over 21 to wear highly monitored wristbands in order to regulate drinking in fraternity houses. Unfortunately, a crackdown on underage drinking laws has caused a dramatic downturn in the local Athens eonomy. Since the crackdown, 1,000 jobs have been cut, 500 small businesses (mostly liquor stores) have gone bankrupt and homeless rates have increased tenfold. “We didn’t realize how much underage drinking was fueling our economy,” said Athens police officer Ophelia Pain. It is pressumed that any other town enforcing underage drinking laws would not have had this drastic result but, since Athens is mostly a college town, this crackdown started a huge economic spiral downward that can only be attributed to the fact that U[sic]

GA is a huge party school. Economists say the recession is not even close to being over in Athens; in fact, it will continue to get worse unless the drinking age goes back to being mostly unenforced. The city had remained mostly unaffected by the recent economic downturn that has plagued the rest of the nation up until the recent crackdown on the drinking age in Athens. Additionally, depression rates among almost all of the underage students have skyrocketed since the crackdown. “We get hundreds of students a day, who are feeling incredibly lonely since most of their friends were only party friends, and now that they are forced to be sober they don’t have anything in common anymore,” said U[sic]GA psychiatrist Dr. Puma Pants. Meanwhile, students and citizens of Athens alike have taken to the streets protesting this move by the Athens Police Department. Signs read from everything to “Give me alcohol or give me death” to “Drinking makes us happy.” The strong public outcry and economic downturn has prompted police to reconsider their policies, but so far no changes have been made. The city has petitioned the governor and alumnus, Sonny Purdue, to declare the city in a state of emergency.

Parking department erects garage in order to house ‘big trucks’ By Kandi Cotton Monster Truck Afficionado

The U[sic]GA Parking Department began construction last week to meet demands for more available space, though not in the typical way. Bombarded by a sea of demands, Parking has been forced to begin construction of a new garage that is equipped to handle the very large pick-up trucks that are so common on the Athens campus. Bobby Joe, eighth-year poultry engineer and mud-tire aficionado, said, “It’s about time they recognized the needs of the student body. It was criminal how they expected us to get by with trucks we didn’t need a ladder to get into. I just don’t feel like a man if my tires aren’t bigger than whatever car I’m driving next to.” Billy Bob, Joe’s second cousin and step-brother, agrees. “I just can’t believe how ill-equipped the campus is right now. Yesterday, I just stood by in horror as my little sister was told she couldn’t even fit her tires in the garage. How exactly is she supposed to pick up Bobby Joe for their date in a car that small?” Bob said. Very large “monster trucks” are common among the campus as many students feel that whomever has the largest truck is often the most masculine and truly a U[sic]GA fan. Students can often be seen in the student parking lots admiring each other trucks and comparing the size of their trucks.

The trucks are also very important to the students because they are believed to attract only the truest Georgia fans as mates. Parking administrators say they are concerned they may have to receive special clearance to build the garage. Johnny John Thorton, Dean of U[sic]GA’s College of Parking, said, “As it was, the structure was already set to tower over every other building in Athens. With the popularity of this new designer line of 82 inch tires, though, we’re set to break records.” While the structure is constructed, students whose trucks don’t fit in current parking garages are making do in a pasture just off of campus. This has raised concerns over the health of the school’s cheerleaders, as the pasture was one of their favorite after-practice grazing spots. Jane Joe, cheerleading captain and mother of Bobby Joe, said, “I’m worried one of my girls might choke on a lugnut or worse, take a chunk out of a tire while they’re eating. I mean, when you’re hungry, those things look mighty tempting.” At the time of press no unfortunate incidents had occurred between the school’s cheerleaders and the “big trucks” parked in the field. It is believed that the truck owners are being given special treatment by the Parking office because they often heavily contribute to the school’s revenue by

Photo by Alison Wanda Land/ Picture People

The U[sic]GA Parking Department is erecting a much bigger parking garage to allow ample space for the large quantity of students that drive big monster trucks and park on the Athens campus. the monster truck rallies that they put on every year. For these events Sanford Stadium is converted into a large

monster truck rally show. The show regularly sells out and always proves to be a favorite for the Athens locals who often donate

their “beater” cars from their front yards and to the competition for the “monster trucks” to perform their jumps over during the show.

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DRUNK LIFE

Student, confused with monkey, returned home Ian Azoo, third-year Animal Relations, is finally home safely after a two-week long manhunt was brought to a close following his surprising discovery in the baboon pit of the Metropolitan Atlanta Zoo. Zoo officials first sighted the naked man at 4 p.m. Friday, about three hours after his family reported him missing. Azoo’s communication with other primates through grunts, barks, and yells led keepers to label the hairy Caucasian man as a rare albino pygmy monkey and he was kept at the zoo for two weeks before any suspiscion was raised. During his two week stay, Azoo delighted and shocked visitors with his antics, which ranged from his frequent attempts to urinate on zoo staff, to his penchant

for knocking zoo patrons unconscious with coconuts. “I remember one time he grabbed this little girl’s head and ate her glasses,” handler Jerry Church fondly recalls. “And then he ate her gameboy too. That’s when I knew he was special.” Fellow keeper Joey Truth added “This one time he escaped and found the bottle of gin I hid in the back of my office. We later found him attempting to mate with our African Rhino, Becky. We actually thought we were viewing some incredible zoology research by seeing a monkey attempting to mate with a rhino, I guess it turns out he was just really drunk. What a riot.” Azoo is reportedly doing well and is back home, but he is insistent that he live outside. The University of Georgia has awarded Azoo an honorary bachelors of science in Animal Relations.

advanced structure dedicated to disposing these condoms. U[sic] GA’s students will bring their used condoms in at the end of the week so the condom disposing committe can bury them deeply under the campus grounds using its high- tech condom burying technology. “Not only did we avoid having t o r e move the school altogether but, the proposed plan even allows for more employment opportunities as both the Dawg Wrappers and the newly remodeled Sanford Stadium require

more personnel to attend and construct, respectively,” said Tom Katt, another representative from the Department of Community Affairs. “It’s really a win-win situation,” Katt said. Due to the large quantities of condoms needed and the limited resource of materials, the specially reinforced condoms will have to be modified from already existing condoms around the State. It was unanimously decided by the Department of Health that these shortages would be fielded by shipments from less dangerous target groups, like prisons.

By Ima Jacket Monkey Wrestler

Photo by Anita Johnson/ Picture People

Ian Azoo has been returned to his home after he was mistaken for a rare albino pygmy monkey in the Atlanta Zoo. Azoo stayed in a cage with the baboons for two weeks until he was spotted.

State mandates special condom use to prevent reproducing By Thomas Tank Sexpert

The University Health Center at U[sic]GA will now receive a weekly order of 50,000 specially designed and reinforced condoms to prevent the alumni and student body from reproducing. The announcement is due to a recent joint proposition by Georgia’s Department of Community Health, Education, Community Affairs and Public Safety. The Health Center is under state orders to completely distribute all condoms by the week’s end and before new order arrives. That means that all 50,000 special condoms must be distributed to the student body very quickly. This maneuver is mainly due to a recent discovery by a group of Tech graduate students who undisputedly drew a direct relationship between U[sic]GA’s

numerous acts of unprotected fornication and the decrease in the state’s rate of employment, attendance of higher education and public safety in the past decade. However, the research found a postive correlation to the rising birth rate of “bulldog babies” and the rise in smog (presumably due to the increase in big trucks), water pollution (presumably from the rise in chicken farms) and junkyards. The results were presented to the State Departments listed above and direct measure where put into action right away. “Athens’ revenues for the state from its University’s college tuition are too great for us to simply shut down the school all together,” said Willie Stroker, a representative from the Department of Community Affairs. “We collectively believe that this is the best course of action to prevent further reproduction, which is the root of our problems,

while obtaining our ultimate goals. It’ll be a slow and painful process but we believe it is for the betterment of the state in the long run,” Stroker said. Because of this rather drastic measure, U[sic]GA will undergo a series of alterations both on its campus and in its staff composition in the upcoming semester. A special sub-branch will now be introduced to the University Health Center, named Dawg Wrappers, solely for the purpose of distributing the weekly order of condoms to specific locations on campus. Fraternities and sororities are the primary targets for the condom allocation, with certain dorms also added to the list. Because of the large number of condoms that will have to disposed of weekly, a new system had to be devised to make sure the devices were properly disposed of. As a result, Sanford Stadium will be remodeled into a high-tech

Animal spelling problems causes embarrassment to students By Anita Hug Oral Reporter

This fall the English and Journalism departments at the University [sic] of Georgia have noticed an alarming trend—students and fans of the school seem to be regressing in what is historically one of their highest nationally ranking majors: remedial spelling of animal names. The most recent spelling embarrassment for the student body came in a Facebook event page promoting fan attendance for U[sic]GA’s game against the University of South Carolina Gamecocks. The tagline read, “Come watch our Dawgs beat the Cawcks.” Even Philadelphia Eagles backup quarterback and UGA fan, Michael Vick found the tagline spelling troubling. “They really need to get their spelling together,” said Vick, “Other than that, I don’t really see any problem with it. It actually sounded pretty good to me.” While it has long been a U[sic] GA tradition to struggle in academic fields, a recent study shows that U[sic]GA is seeing more and more students who truly believe

the word ‘dog’ is spelled “d-a-wg.” “But the truly concerning problem is that students and fans alike are starting to apply the same incorrect spelling to other everyday animals,” said Professor Drew Peacock, who was in charge of study. Peacock has found it particularly frustrating that an increasing number of his own students have begun misspelling his own name on papers and tests. “On a number of occasions this semester I’ve had to reiterate to my class. My name is Professor DREW PEACOCK, not DREW PEACAWCK,” Peacock said. According to the study, roughly 72% of incoming freshman students are having trouble spelling elementary animal names. That same statistic rises to 87% for graduating seniors. Another English Professor, Mike Hawk, who teaches introductory animal spellings, has experienced similar problems in his classroom as of late. “The name ‘Mike Hawk’ is a tricky one. Is it spelled H-O-K or H-A-W-K?” said Hugh Jass, a first-year Animal Spelling major. U[sic]GA has been taking

Photo by Hung Wang/ Picture People

The English and Journalism departments at U[sic]GA are experiencing a difficult time training their students to correctly spell many animal names. The word “dawg” from “dog” is especially a problem some proactive steps in the matter. Along with providing animal sound wheels (the kind that play correct sounds and spellings of animals) to students, the administration has taken steps to work with the faculty to help correct

this problem. “I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on Professor Hawk lately. Hopefully we’ve already hit the climax of the problem and all of our hard work and effort will pay off,” said English Department

Chair Payne N. Diaz. If the problem is not corrected within the next year they are considering getting rid of reading altogether becuase it is becoming so much of a hassle to teach the students to spell.

Partyin Times

entertainment@nique.net Entertainment Editor: Luke Atmadik

THWUGA

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Reality TV: U[sic]GA students overrun VH1 shows By Luke Atmadik Editor of Partyin Times

The premieres of the newest seasons of VH1’s increasingly popular Tool Academy and Rock of Love are approaching quickly and filming is underway. Interestingly enough, we found that U[sic]GA’s football team comprises the entire cast of Tool Academy 3, and the cast of Rock of Love: Trailer Trash is U[sic]GA sorority Chi Chi Chi (XXX). This season on Tool Academy, the contestants will be put through a variety of relationshipbuilding challenges, including confederate flag weaving, mudding and keg stands. Rock of Love: Trailer Trash will be comprised of the Tri-Chis attempting to “win the heart” of rock star Bret Mi-

chaels by exposing skin. We had the opportunity to sit in on the filming for Tool Academy 3 and Rock of Love: Trailer Trash and interview the some of the contestants. “Usually, our shows are scripted so that the ‘tools’ only appear to be huge tools and our Bret Michaels girls pretend to be in love with him and be ditzy, but for this season we will actually just be able to film them in their natural state. Most of the football team already torments their girlfriends and our Tri-Chi girls would probably try sleeping with anything that breathes, so our job this season will be much easier than in the past,” said Jason Cruz, casting director for both Tool Academy and See Tool, page 13

Photo illustration by Willy O’Toole/ Picture People

Sesame Street performs for Comedians refuse to die-hard students, fans go wild appear at U[sic]GA

Photo illustration by Jimmy Dean/ Picture People

Photo illustration by Lotsa Hicks/ Picture People

Sesame Street thrilled fans at U[sic]GA during their Nov. 21 performance located in the field behind the abandoned shed. Many life-long followers along with newfound fanatics were in attendance.

The National Comedy Association (NCA) has put U[sic]GA on their black list for comedians having to explain jokes to the audience.

FUN THINGS

Sesame Street LIVE! RUN DATES: Nov. 20-Dec. 25 DIRECTOR: Elmo VENUE: Field behind the abandoned shed STARRING: Elmo, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch and Snuffy

OUR TAKE: !!!!! By Hung Wang Sexual Investigator

This year marked the celebration of Sesame Street’s 40th anniversary, a celebration that Georgia students took to the fullest. The

entire Sesame Street crew came out for a special performance at the abandoned field, giving a nearly sold-out performance. “I love Sesame Street,” said one of the fans, “It taught me everything I need to know about life, like counting.” When asked if he brought his family, the student replied after much deep thought that all three of his mom’s and dad’s were present. The performance featured special guest stars, Elmo, Big Bird and the Cookie Monster. The entire crowd went wild with excitement, from singing along to the ABCs to thinking critically for the much more intricate and complicated word games presented

later, like Hangman. While all students were excited, some were a little too excited. Elmo for example, on high security alert after receiving a duffle big full of photos of him doctored in with a local student as well as the words “LOVE ME” emblazoned on top with a red, runny substance that may or may not have been blood. “Elmo pretty chill with fans. But when Elmo sees ‘bwood’, Elmo knows that certain lines have been crossed,” said Elmo. Tears were shed as the performance came to a close with many students packing their bags as they attempted to follow the tour for what they referred to as “the hottest show of the season.”

By Ollie Tabooger Taste Expert

The Entertainment committee of the University Union programming board has been experiencing a great deal of difficulty in securing comedians and other similar acts for campus events for the upcoming year. U[sic]GA has been placed on the black list of the National Comedy Association (NCA), which has prevented U[sic]GA from booking any comedy acts to perform on campus. The NCA is a union of comedians from across the nation, and includes the most popular comedians that have appeared on Comedy Central, MTV and other

various networks. All bookings for major comedians go through the NCA. According to the NCA, the reason for putting U[sic]GA on the blacklist is due to the extra work and effort required for comedians to perform at U[sic]GA. “This is something that we’ve been considering for a long time. Every time we have done a show at U[sic]GA, we have to add on an hour to the show’s length in order to explain the jokes. The humor just seems to go over students’ heads,” said Blaine Cook, the president of the NCA. “Our comedians are passionate about telling jokes, not explaining them.” See Comedy, page 12

ENTERTAINMENT

t /PWFNCFS t Technique

One of these pictures is a square and one is not. Which one is the square?

A

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Part of this drawing has been cleverly left out. Can you guess the animal in the incomplete picture?

1 2 1

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Fill in the grid so that every row and column contains the digits 1 through 2.

Tic Tac Toe Challenge

You are “X”. Can you finish the puzzle to win?

Advanced Puzzle Cut out the pieces and see if you can figure out how to put it together. Good Luck!

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Technique t /PWFNCFS t 13

Wrong scholarship Palin’s Rogue too long, wordy winner given crown

Photo illustration by Booty Dew/ Picture People

By Ivanna Tinkle Head of Bathroom Duty

This year’s U[sic]GA’s Aesthetically Based Scholarship Competition was rocked with controversy when the judges didn’t realize that the wrong girl had been awarded the crown. “The room was filled with mirrors, and I thought I was receiving the crown, sash and bouquet,” said Anita Knapp, a third-year Cosmetology Engineering major and the true winner of the competition. “When I realized there was no crown on my head, I looked across the stage and saw a girl who looked just like me wearing my title.” The judges claim that they kept track of the 50 girls in the pageant based on whose hair was up and whose hair was down. “All the contestants wore their hair down during the swimsuit portion of the competition so we lost track of who was who,” said Dusty Rhodes, a graduate Female Anatomy major and one of the judges of the competition. The Student Government Association (SGA) led an investigation on the physical homogeneity

Comedy

from page 11

Statistics compiled by the NCA showed that during a typical comedy performance at U[sic] GA, there is on average a five minute silence following each punchline before laughter commences. “The audience really makes the performance. When the audience is really thick-headed, the performance just becomes a set of awkward silences. I don’t know if it’s

of the U[sic]GA’s female population following this controversy. “We tried to interview women around campus about their thoughts of this homogeneity,” said SGA’s VP of Smartness Stu Pidcow. “However, we lost track of how many girls we’d interviewed and later realized that we had been interviewing the same girl all day.” While scientific studies state that occasionally physically identical appearance will occur in the form of identical twins, 94% of U[sic]GA’s female population is between 5’4 and 5’7, has blonde hair, blue eyes and at least one form of plastic surgery. Several weeks after the pageant controversy, SGA discovered an underground network of makeup artists and plastic surgeons that train the U[sic]GA female population several weeks before the beginning of school. This underground network was initially installed to prepare women going through formal recruitment. However, business continued when U[sic]GA’s females discovered how easy it became to steal each other’s boyfriends when they all practiced the same twohour hair and make-up ritual. due to alcohol killing their brain cells, but obviously U[sic]GA students don’t have enough to understand a simple joke,” Cook said. Members of the programming board have still expressed their confusion regarding the entire situation. “We still don’t get it. Maybe if someone could explain this to us again in simple words, then we could understand,” said Jess Dumbo, president of the programming board.

Photo illustration by Richard Long/ Picture People

PEOPLE CAN READ?

Going Rogue WRITER: Sarah Palin PUBLISHER: HarperCollins GENRE: Autobiography PAGE COUNT: 432 RELEASED: Nov. 24, 2009

OUR TAKE: !!!!! By Angie O’Plasty Medical Expert

As a proud conservative and adamant supporter of John McCain and Sarah Palin during the 2008 presidential elections, I must say that I am thoroughly disappointed with Palin’s new book, Going Rogue.

Tool

from page 11

Rock of Love. “Filming the shows has been somewhat of a challenge for the upcoming season because some of our contestants on the two shows overlap. There are a few girls who are actually on both Rock of Love and Tool Academy as a girlfriend, so we’ve had to be careful not to schedule filming for the shows on the same day,” said Bob Rayburn,

The autobiography, with all its hype, fell short of my expectations and the expectations of thousands of students who were looking forward to a fun and exciting read about an exciting woman. I showed up to Barnes and Noble for the midnight release party and participated in Palin trivia and faming games for six hours until I could get my book. During trivia, I was able to correctly answer that Levi Johnston, Palin’s granddaughter-daddy who posed nude in Playgirl a few days ago, actually has an eight-pack instead of a six-pack. I won a free copy of the book for knowledge on Palin family drama. Once the book was in my hand, I quickly flipped through the pages and was dismayed to

find a lack of colored pictures. My eyes were greeted by pages and pages of text, and I could feel my eyes beginning to water and burn. I began to feel dizzy and slammed the book shut when I was reminded by a fellow U[sic] GA student that reading can cause brain cancer. Nevertheless, I decided to risk cancer and read the book. Once again, I was disappointed. From the title, Going Rogue, I was led to believe that a certain X-Men character would grace the plot of Palin’s life. Rogue, however, was conspicuously absent from all 400 pages. To all those thinking of buying this book, save yourself from the brain cancer you might get. It’s not worth it. I give this book two paws down.

Executive Producer of Rock of Love: Trailer Trash. “We were surprised at the high caliber of contestants we found in the football players. We told them that they are going to be on a show called America’s Best Football Team. The funny thing is, they actually fell for it. And for some reason after we broke the news that the show is actually Tool Academy 3, they still seem to think they’re here because they’re the best football team,” Cruz said.

We were shown a clip of the first episode when the team was told that the show is actually Tool Academy. Since the football team is dating the cheerleading squad, they thought that the arrival of their girlfriends was all part of the show America’s Best Football Team. Tune in to these exciting new seasons to find out if the football team ever figures out what show they are filming and which one of the Tri-Chis ends up with Bret Michaels.

SPORTS

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Cox confused by New ticketing policy empties stands name-based humor By Uga Lee Transfer student

By Mike Sweeney Comes through in the clutch

U[sic]GA fifth-year senior quarterback Joe Cox doesn’t understand why people think his name is so funny, people close to the football player said. “He just doesn’t get it when we try to explain it to him,” said Cox’s roommate and close friend, Jack Hoff. “The joke is completely over his head.” According to several of Cox’s friends and acquaintances, the quarterback doesn’t understand why people laugh at his name. “When people bring it up, it really seems to get him throbbing mad,” another source said. “And there is nothing worse than a red, angry, Cox waving around in your face, ready to blow.” Flint McGee, a third-year Turf Management student, tried helping Cox make the connection to

no avail. “I saw the look in his eyes and I realized it was just beyond him. There was just no way it was going to happen,” McGee said. The incidents have served as a firm, pulsing reminder of the dangers of humor around the functionally illiterate. “It’s gotten to the point now where we won’t talk about it,” one teammate said. “If anyone brings it to attention, we have to deal with [Joe] Cox getting in our face. I don’t know what the team will do if Cox explodes on us one more time.” Another teammate added: “The sooner we move on, the sooner we can get this behind us and go back to playing football, or at least tryin’.” Phone calls and e-mails to Cox were not returned, but friends worry that his recent struggles against mediocre competition will result in even more jokes.

1IPUP CZ )BSEFO 5IJDLF Picture People

One of Joe Cox’s few remaining fans shows support for the quarterback. Cox himself was oblivious to the double-edged nature of the comment.

Georgia fan attendance plummeted at last weekend’s football game against Kentucky after a ticketing snafu only allowed actual U[sic]GA students and alumni to attend the game. It is believed that the U[sic] GA athletic department was upset that, as a result of Georgia’s poor performance on the field this season, thousands of seats went unsold to U[sic]GA fans for the Auburn game the week before and were subsequently purchased by Auburn fans. The department’s ticket master, Cletus Hicks, believed it would be better to allocate the tickets for the Kentucky game to the people that they knew would be “real” Georgia fans. Hicks instituted a new system restricting entry to only students with valid U[sic]GA ID cards or alumni with valid Charmin-based diplomas. In the process, he forgot that the majority of game-day seats are filled by people who never attended the university[sic]. “I guess I just got so upset about all them darn Tiger fans being around here and I thought to myself, ‘Cletus, why don’t you just give the tickets to you know who will be real Dawg fans?’ I guess I forgot that most of our fans didn’t actually graduate,” Hicks said. The stands in the designated Georgia areas were near empty with the exception of the student section. However, many in the student section could not be counted as present because they were not considered conscious. Despite the lack of tickets to the game, thousands of U[sic]GA fans from other schools still came and tailgated for their usual daylong menagerie of mullet contests, bobbing for pig feet and motherdaughter Jell-O wrestling.

1IPUP CZ +BNJF )PXFMM Student Publications

This Kennesaw State student, who was already confused about his personal identity, cannot attend Georgia games under the new ticket policy.

“I was really upset when I learned I couldn’t get into the game,” said Billy Bob Busch, a Kennesaw State University student. “I was basically forced to tailgate here for about eight hours. Well, on second thought I guess that’s about the same as what I do already every game day.” After learning about the ticketing problem, the football program decided to offer complimentary tickets to the snubbed fans for the Toilet Bowl.

“This event has taught us the importance of our trusted fairweather fans,” Hicks said. As a result of the ticketing problem the city of Athens experienced a drastic decrease in revenue because of the lack of beer sales in the area. Beer sales, especially Keystone Light sales, support the majority of the city’s functions. The lack in revenue means that the city may not be able to put on as many tractor pull events this year.

sliver

www.nique.net

to the guys studying awesome ‘hard’ calculus and discussing how they keep their roommate out of their room during sex by writing ‘predicted end time’ on the door: NO ONE CARES. YOU ARE NO PIMP! 4th Floor 8th St E. I am going to come over there and shove your laser pointer up your @$$ professors dont give a damn about dead week I’ve seen this girl all over campus at random places, and I want to know her, she is gorgeous! I don’t even know your name... not all red heads at tech are ugly... open your eyes. girl who asks stupid questions in social psych: i hate you. To guy in red car: Sorry I pulled out in front of you on my bike. I may have still been drunk from the night before and I may have been late for a test. THWG!!!! Getting stoned means two completely different things depending on what time period you’re from. Without me, everything is just aweso. I dread locks. GT Parking is an absolute joke. I’m now paying to park at a meter AND paying a ticket because you aren’t competent enough to maintain your equipment. I now want to be a d-bag Alum just so Why should the Board of Regents care about increasing student fees? Bartering was still the major method of monitary transfer when they were students... Technique, you can do better than using failing logic and incorrect facts to insult SGA. Yes, there may be problems, but there are much worse culprits of incompetence – try housing or parking or… NY Times Article “Georgia Tech’s Bedford Makes Time for Spread Option and D’Alembert’s Paradox “ THE TECHNIQUE IS TECHNOLOGIC- J-LAW TECH NEEDS CAMERAS!!! we gotta start making classes easier or no one will want to come here

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SPORTS

“Tackling dummy” drill leads to brawl, shuts down practice U[sic]GA football head coach Mark Richt and defensive coordinator Willie Martinez had to stop football practice last week after several dozen defensive players were injured in a common tackling dummy drill. The incident occurred after Martinez had the first- and second-string defensive units line up in front of the dummies. “I just told them to ‘tackle the dummies.’ Nothing really out of the ordinary,” Martinez said. When the drill began, all of the defensive players on the field simultaneously started tackling each other. Some also ran across the field and tried to bring down running backs conducting a separate offensive drill. “We run this drill to help them simulate a game. As soon as I blew my whistle, they lunged towards each other,” Martinez said. Many of the U[sic]GA players explained that they were confused by the instructions.

“Everyone in the media kept talking about how tackle dummies would have done a better job than we have, so I got scared at facing the real talent. We have to work our way to that level,” said junior nose tackle Imma Eatu. Martinez watched from the top of the sled as they each fruitlessly attempted to wrestle each other to the ground. “It was like watching animals fight in the wild. They ram each other a lot but nothing really happens,” Martinez said. Martinez and Richt attempted to rectify the situation the next day by placing signs labeled “HIT ME” on the dummies. Unfortunately, the signs caused even more confusion when the players just stared while trying to read the characters on the papers. Martinez told the players to “sound it out” and “take it one letter at a time,” with little success. The next day Richt replaced the original signs with pictures of their cousins. The players started tackling and lunging toward the dummies immediately.

responsible for the acts, but the problem is that we can’t seem to tell any of them apart,” said Ima Doubledee, cheerleading coach and director. “It’ll take at least two years before we’re able to separate who from who and figure out who the real culprits are.” While the field is being replaced, the doors leading to the field will still be chained and

locked starting Wednesday. A decision on what to do with the stadium’s famous hedges has not yet been issued. Athletic department officials have expressed interest in replacing the hedges with artificial replicas, concerned that the cheerleaders would simply begin munching on the hedges after the Astroturf is installed.

By Chuck Myseck Dummy-in-chief

1IPUP CZ %PO ,FZ Picture People

Georgia defensive players cause chaos at a practice after misinterpreting the term “tackling dummy.” The team’s well-publicized inability to tackle properly led the team to believe Willie Martinez was mocking them.

Grazing

GSPN QBHF

tween the turf and real grass. “It’s such a problem just starting that now we have to officially block off all entrances of the stadium,” Wieser said. “It’s a good thing we’re not playing any more games for the rest of the year, because that field has some intense damage on it. It

won’t be easy to repair.” There have been efforts to calm disgruntled fans and alumni who are wary of the break from tradition in replacing the grass. Many consider changing the surface to be sacrilege. “The new turf will be painted black. There will also be free eye protection kits handed out during games and when we play Florida

again in Jacksonville. We will also be placing pots of chocolate gold around Sanford Stadium. Hopefully, the shiny and edible trinkets will be able to distract them long enough until the season is over,” Wieser said. Officials are having a difficult time finding those responsible for the field damage. “We’ve tried reprimanding the cheerleaders

Tailgatin’

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THWUGA

5VFTEBZ /PWFNCFS

U[sic]GA accepts bid to inaugural Toilet Bowl bythe numbers 5

Number of games the football team has lost this season. U[sic]GA has lost to Oklahoma State, LSU, Tennessee, Florida and Kentucky.

94 The number of penalties committed by the Bulldogs this season, putting them at No. 4 in the nation.

26

Number of turnovers lost by the Bulldogs this season, which has them tied for No. 11 in the nation.

50 Jersey number of Kentucky linebacker Sam Maxwell, who made the game-winning interception on Saturday.

2.5 Projected Nielsen rating for the telecast of this season’s Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl on Dec. 28, approximately the same as the ratings traditionally received by programs such as Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants

By Paige Turner The most interesting journalist[sic] in the world

After their home loss to Kentucky on Saturday night, the U[sic]GA football team has accepted a bid to play in the inaugural Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. The game will be played on Dec. 28, and U[sic] GA’s opponent has yet to be determined. “This is a great opportunity for Georgia football to represent the SEC...Our season has gone down the drain, but we can at least look forward to the Toilet Bowl,� U[sic]GA Head Coach Mark Richt said. Even though the Bulldogs’ opponent has not yet been determined at this point, Vegas already has listed U[sic]GA as 23-point underdogs. The game will basically be a home game for the Bulldogs because the contest will be held in Sanford Stadium. Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans said this was a big selling point for the Bulldogs. “Getting a bid for a home bowl game was definitely a load off my shoulders,� Evans said. Just as the Orange Bowl is a symbol of the game’s location of Miami, Fla., the Toilet Bowl signifies the widespread belief that Athens, Ga. is the world’s crappiest city. The Toilet Bowl will be the last chance for U[sic] GA fans to see their hero, senior quarterback Joe Cox, take his last colligate snap. “I’m just so ready to get this season over with,� Cox said. “I’ve already got a job lined up after college at the Arby’s Law Firm,� Cox continued. When told that Arby’s is a fast food restaurant and not a law firm, Cox simply replied, “No comment.� Evans hopes the revenue from this game can cover a multitude of the football team’s costs. First and foremost, the profit from this game will go to the rising costs of Richt’s vanity requirements. Richt has a clause in his contract that forces UGA to pay for his weekly spray-on tan. Also, the hardships that Richt has faced this season have caused his hair to start falling out, so he has chosen to get hair plugs instead of showing his age. Second, a portion of the remaining profits from the game will pay for U-Haul moving trucks. Instead of firing Assistant Coaches Mike Bobo and Willie Martinez face-to-face, Richt has decided to rent U-Haul trucks and leave them outside the coaches’ homes. Richt hopes that Martinez and Bobo will be so happy to drive the moving trucks that they will not be sad about being fired and having to move. Third, whatever money is left over from the previous costs will go to UGA students and alumni. Evans is implementing a system that actually pays people to attend UGA basketball games.

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In light of this season’s struggles, Georgia decided to cut its losses and accept an early bid to the Roto Rooter Toilet Bowl. Their opponent remains to be determined.

Sanford Stadium adopts Astroturf field to prevent grazing By Beau Vine Not eating more chicken

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Bored cheerleaders chew on bits of the grass of the Sanford Stadium field. In response to damage to the grass, the school is implementing an Astroturf surface.

Starting Wednesday, the U[sic]GA Athletic Association (AA) will be closing Sanford Stadium in order to replace the grass on the field with turf. According to Facilities Director Bud Wiser, the move comes after Monday’s postgame facilities reviews showed damage beyond repair on the field. A further look into the cause of the damage revealed also that the damage was not induced by natural causes from football games; rather, it was due to the problem of overgrazing by the U[sic]GA cheerleading squad. “We’ve been having difficulties with our cheerleaders getting hungry at halftime. They have to cheer so dawggone hard to encourage our fan

base. Imagine trying to raise enthusiasm for our football team. Good grief, it’s probably harder than finding a fairly officiated game in the SEC,� said Michael Hunt, an athletic department official. “We’ve tried discouraging this behavior but apparently they saw someone from The Hills doing it so now they won’t listen to what anyone says,� Hunt said. In response to the cases of grazing, the U[sic]GA Spirit Team is investigating into various reasons as to why the cheerleaders have begun to graze the field. Some Spirit Team coordinators believe that the grazing is due to depression-induced eating following U[sic]GA’s lackluster football season. “It’s just been so hard, and we get so hungry out on the field for that long, and just to

watch it happen. I just want to find the nearest thing I can eat and grass happens to be it!� said Candi Dooit, captain of the cheerleading squad. “I don’t blame the girls for doing it! I blame it on myself! It’s just so hard to keep a strong face when all you want to do is stuff grass in your mouth,� said trainer Bo Tocks. Wieser believes that once the grass is replaced and the turf is put in, the cases of grazing cheerleaders should decrease. However as of Monday when facilities workers began placing turf on the sidelines, some workers had to shoo away cheerleaders who were gnawing unknowingly at the newly placed turf. According to witnesses on hand, the cheerleaders could barely tell the difference beSee Grazing, page 15

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