April 1, 201
Est. 1948
Volume 67 | Issue 8
the pace press thethepacepress.org
2nd Avenue Subway Complete!
INSIDE @thepacepress
NEWS
ARTS
FEATURES
NYC to secede from NY state, citing Cuomo fucking up Page 4
University to sell Performing Arts building to NYU
NYers recognize wage gap, stage anarchy
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THE PACE PRESS
April 1, 2015
NEWS
EDITORIAL BOARD Erick Mancebo Editor-In-Chief Christian Gomez Executive Editor Marc Saggese Advertising Manager Maximilliano Onofre News Editor Melissa Vargas Arts Editor Courtney Michelle Johnson Features Editor Brianda Agramonte Distribution Manager Dr. Stephanie Hsu Faculty Consultant
The Pace Press is the student newspaper of Pace University’s New York City Campus. It is managed and operated entirely by members of the student body as it appears above. The Pace Press welcomes guest editorials and letters from students, faculty, administration and staff. The Pace Press reserves the right to not publish any submitted material, both solicited and unsolicited. All submissions must include the author’s full name and contact information. The Pace Press 41 Park Row, Rm. 902 New York, NY 10038 thethepacepress.org editor@thepacepress.org Copyright 2015
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April 1, 2015
NEWS
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MTA announces new fare hike; you won’t believe why Metropolitan Transit Authority cares about people—just not who you’d think RON STOPPABLE Associate Editor
The Metropolitan Transit Authority has declared that they plan to raise our subway fares again. The fare will rise from $2.75 to $1000.50 per one way ride. A single ride Metro Card is now $1500.50 and a round-trip Metro Card is now $2000.75 – the extra $.25 is added to account for more Fast Track repairs, but a majority of the money is going towards another cost. MTA Commissioner, Moe Bucks told the public in a press conference on the tip of the Empire State Building: “the hike is important to sustaining the new life that has been discovered here in New York City.” “This is a very special and historical time in New York, we have a civilization living right under us and they deserve our charity, support and most of all our love,” said commissioner Bucks. The discovery that Bucks is referring to, is that of real-life “Molepeople” who have built and sustained the once-secret “Moletown” underneath the city. The Moles, as they are also referred to as, have burrowed their way underneath the tracks of the Amtrak commuter rails at 34th Street – Penn Station. This is the entrance to their underworld and the place they call home. There is a void where an older breed of underground commuter rails used to run. These rails are inactive and have not been used since the early 80’s. The moles have made this space their home and are not very happy to have been found out. “This ain’t their part of town,” says Harry Guy, the self-proclaimed founder of The Molepeople and Moletown. “They got all of the upper half, all the good air, all the food, all the sun and we get the darkness, they can keep their money, we have our own currency.” The currency that Guy speaks of, is literally poop. “We use our own waste to fertilize the small amount of land that we have down here, then we use lights we took from the upper-world and seeds we found to grow food down here,” said Guy. “We don’t need their money, we got poop.” Despite the clear disinterest in U.S. currency, Bucks still feels that
New York should do something to help their “less fortunate, darker New Yorkers.” “These people are a part of the city’s homeless population and should be cared for as such, we are all New Yorkers no matter how dark it is where we live.” Mayor deBlasio has also commented on the matter. “My wife and I will actually be taking our next vacation in Moletown. It is such a wonderful part of the city, even if you cannot see most of it.” There have also been reports of New Yorkers moving from their lofts and condo’s into Moletown. A Williamsburg woman named Jen Trify claims that she wants to go “where the man cannot find her.” “I want to be where things are real, New York City with all its lights and capitalism and restrictions on Marijuana intake is not real, its just consumerism and the man makes it that way so that the real revolutionaries will not be able to inspire the masses, said Trify, an Idaho native who came to New York with dreams of being “a starving artist.” Other locals, such as Bed-Stuy deli owner Ben “Back” Break, are very angry with Buck’s decision to raise the fares in order to support people who don’t need to be supported. “Why are we throwing money at people who do not want it,” said Break. “I wish the state would throw some money at me, I could use it, I live here in the real world.” Bronx man Mitch Moocher agrees with Break. “Why do I have to ask for more rent assistance every month and the Molepeople get it for free,” said Moocher. “Besides, those people are scary, they’re like, half rat or something, and I owe a guy fifty bucks on a bet that these nuts wereen’t real, who’s gonna pay that?” Police commissioner Danny Donut believes that the Moles are living illegally. “If I ever got the clearance to go down there, I’d arrest ‘em all on charges of vagrancy and fill that hole in Penn Station, but I’m not risking my health and safety to tangle with ‘em and I’m sure after deBlasio is done in a few years the place will look just like Manhattan and be as lit up as Times Square.”
A depressed man reexamines his life
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April 1, 2015
NEWS
Pop star Bieber unmasked as Canadian spy agent Royal Canadian Mounted Police out Bieber as secret agent SELENE GOMEZEZ Heart Specialist
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) has recently leaked top-secret information regarding tween pop star and all around asshole Justin Bieber being a Canadian spy. According to the documents leaked by an anonymous member of the RCMP, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service apparently had been breeding a new generation of teen pop stars to take over the mainstream media in the United States and promote Canadian ideals and way of life. All this information comes on the heels of the Comedy Central Roost of Mr. Bieber, where multiple comedians called the alleged spy out for attempting to refresh his image in light recent questionable behavior. The past year has not been Mr. Biebers best with national poles putting Bieber just below George W. Bush during his final months in office. Among what may have contributed to this decline in his approval rating ranges from inappropriate comments he made about Anne Frank to the illegal street racing that he was arrested for in Ontario this past September. The Source within the RCMP also added that in leaking this information they wished to black list Mr. Bieber saying “He’s just too annoying to let be the face of Canada any longer, we can and have done better to infiltrate the American media.” These shocking words now have the FBI and CIA launching a full-scale investigation into major Canadian stars lives. Rapper Drake was arrested outside of his California home this morning on counts of treason and suspicion to commit terrorism. William Shatner was found dead in his home following the leak by the RCMP with a suicide note stating, “à long mère en direct Canada”, which translates to Long live mother Canada. Rewards have been offered for information relating to the locations of Michel Cera and Ellen Page.
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April 1, 2015
NEWS
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Kim Kardashian-West breaks boundaries—literally Royal Canadian Mounted Police out Bieber as secret agent
JAYSON RAY-NORWOOD A Lister
thedailybeast.com
“She’s trapped inside her phone,” says distraught yet faithful husband, and father to North, Kanye West “I wanna break the screen to see if she falls out, but I’m afraid that’s gonna kill her or something.” On the afternoon of March 26, 2015, during Kim’s regularly scheduled Important Instagram Photo Shoot, the reality star vanished from her Instagram Photo Studio, leaving only her iPhone on the ground presumably where she spent her last moments of humanity before becoming an Internet meme. “She must have spent too much time perfecting her warmthto-saturation ratio on the app, and allowed the
phone to possess her” (Author’s note: think 1992’s Stay Tuned) said a nameless, soulless TMZ representative, the lack of a will to live pouring from his bloodshot eyes. “What will we have to report on anymore?” Many businesses across the country share the disposable TMZ representative’s sentiments. Countless video game studios working on a follow up to Kim Kardashian Hollywood® have been shut down, as has pretty much every modern toy company either making Official Kim Kardashian® products or blatantly copying her likeness to market to little kids. Whispers of a projected economic depression are on the tongues of many a broker at the New York Stock Exchange. As for Kim’s well being, she has been able to communicate to the outside world through her Apple prison somewhat, but reports allege that she is only able to post extreme close-ups of her face on her Instagram account, now set to private. The captions of those pictures (obtained by the few people she followed before the haunting), presumably the only space where she could possibly communicate full thoughts is completely occupied with characters from the Mayan alphabet that, when strung together, form complete nonsense. An expert in poltergeists and other supernatural phenomena had this to say “Perhaps she unknowingly performed some unholy ritual which lead to her possession by the iPhone. The empty room, meticulously dimmed lights, circle of wilted roses surrounding her as she was taking photos all suggest black magic.” Apple representatives declined to comment on all counts. The section of the general public not brought to helplessness by the news has been enamored with the post-possession photos. The leaked photos have been shared and commented on enough times to eclipse Kim Kardashian’s follow count across all social platforms twofold, a feat previously thought impossible. Some Internet communities who once lamented the reality star’s rise to fame as inauthentic and undeserved now welcome their “Kim K Machine Overlord” as some sort of Internet meme deity, and spend sleepless nights trying to decipher her gibberish caption messages. Others think it a publicity stunt. “This is just promotion for a product line she’s starting or something. I could have done this better than her” exclaims literally every failing D-list celebrity, in exactly the same way. Some aspiring reality stars have already begun to reenact the ritual. No reports of possession have been obtained by the writing of this article. If anyone has any information to share, please send a line to tips@thepacepress.org, you will be heavily compensated.
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Kanye 2016
April 1, 2015
huffpost.com FOTINI FAY Politics Editor
Grammy award winning rapper and husband to Kim Kardashian, Kanye West has announced that he will be running for president. West, who is most famously known for recording the 2005 hit single “Gold Digger” and then marrying a real-life Gold Digger, says he would like to see the United States take a more “revolutionary” turn in his image. “I believe that this country could benefit from my leading,” said West. “I also have a lot to teach this country, not just about fashion, but also about speaking and interacting with one another and how we should all raise our children.” West has shared a few of his ideas with The Press so far: “I think it would be really dope if I could see all of America in my image; I want to hold rallies where everyone will come to the largest venues in the U.S., and listen to my new singles and wear my designed clothing and cop the new Yeezey Boosts.” “America needs these things and I would provide funding for my country to wear my art, but it would be like a mandatory thing, oh, and the Grammys would be cancelled forever, because they don’t know music or respect artistry.” West, who prefers being referred to in the rest of this article as “Yeezus,” has more ideas about the country and politics. “Well first off, I would destroy Fox News,” Yeezus said. “I would create my own political news network and publication called “Yeezey Speaks” and America would learn my teachings through that publication,” said Yeezus. I would also make my mentor, Jay-Z my Vice President and make sure that his girl, Beyonce, is able to serve as the Vice-First-Lady.” Yeezus feels Beyonce deserves this title, because “Beyonce had one of the greatest albums of all time.” The current leader of the free world, president Barrack Obama, famously called West a “Jackass” after West interrupted Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Awards and again in 2013, a stunt that would later become a trend for the hip-hop mogul. Yeezus claims “the president could not handle the power of Yeezus at the time and he needed to get to know me for a little more time before seeing that I am the realest in the game.” Yeezus also claims that he needed to “fire shots back” at President Obama in order for their “man to man” dispute to fully end. “That’s why I said that he needs to watch what he says and does regarding my wife,” said Yeezus. “He needed to know that Yeezus has power here in the United States too.” Despite their previous differences, Yeezus does want Obama to give
his blessing in his running for president. “Like, just cause I’m Yeezus and I’m above it all, don’t mean that the blessing of the first black president ever wouldn’t mean anything to me,” said West. “He just better give it.” West’s wife and could-be future first lady, Kim Kardashian-West, is looking forward to West’s campaign and has a few ideas of her own. “OMG I was all like ‘I need to be on his presidential campaign bus and wear a different outfit in every state,’” said Kardashian-West. “That would be like so legendary and there are big changes regarding my wardrobe that I think America will just love.” In a recent Pace Press Q&A with Yeezus, he gave more details on what the country would look like with him as its president and how he would feel if our current president did not give Yeezus the blessing he commands of him. The Pace Press: “So, Yeezus, you already dominate the rap charts and have a good amount of social weight, how will becoming president make you more powerful. Yeezus: Well, now when Yeezus speaks people will have to listen. They will not be able to resists the preaching and teachings that Yeezus brings to this country. The Pace Press: You mean, you will force people to listen to you? Yeezus: I don’t NEED to force them, when I am president they will WANT to listen. The Pace Press: But, can’t they choose and want to listen to you now? It seems as if becoming president would only give you a platform to force people to listen to you Yeezus: No, that’s not it. You don’t have all the answers! The Pace Press: No, we don’t. But, we have been printing for over 20 years and have reported on many of your newsworthy actions. Yeezus: But I can’t wear that though. I make ART that people can WEAR, LISTEN TO AND ENJOY. The Pace Press: We do have memorabilia. Yeezus: But, it aint no Ralph though. The Pace Press will continue to follow Yeezus on his campaign trail to the White House. Barack Obama could not be reached for comment.
April 1, 2015
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Sarah Palin announces 2016 run JAYSON RAY-NORWOOD A Lister
In this tight race for presidency, the GOP is jumping over hurdles to see who will be the last man standing to fight for “’Merica!” Sarah Palin has been a hot contender for years now, advocating for the Republican way of life though her former jobs as Governor of Alaska and GOP Vice Presidential Nominee. Now, as the Executive Editor of the Sarah Palin Channel and FOX News Contributor, she hopes to gain high ground in the 2016 elections. Only one thing stands in her way as she searches for the perfect Vice President. The Pace Press: Ms. Palin, what exactly is it that you want from your future Vice President? What qualities are you looking for? Sarah Palin: Well, you know, I’ve just been trying to find a partner for this competition that is down to earth. Who knows his roots and where he came from. Someone like that Kenneth Parcell, from that show “25 Rock” or something like that. That boy has his head on straight. He’s always cheerful, he’s from Georgia, a good southern man, he has good values. TPP: Would you prefer a man to be your nominee? Or do you just want someone with the right values? SP: I want someone who knows exactly what is going on in this country. Now a-days, you have all these liberals following Obama like he’s great. Is it any coincidence that every turkey has been pardoned on Thanksgiving -a day that is there to celebrate the brave pilgrims who came to this great country- have died? The only ones that are still alive are those darn Mac and Cheese, and they’ve only survived the past few months out of sheer luck. TPP: Well, Ms. Palin, it’s definitely a coincidence. One I’m sure many American’s hadn’t paid notice to. SP: Of course not. All these new-age hippies look at is where the pipelines that power their Tesla’s run. Without companies like the one my husband worked for, honest companies like BP, we wouldn’t be able to drive those fancy cars. TPP: I can see this is a very straining subject, so why don’t we move on to the next topic. Ms. Palin, what is your platform for the next election cycle? SP: The next goals are to do something very similar to Ted Cruz. Him and I are very close, even though we’re from opposite ends of America. I want to stand up for the Constitution, and I believe we’ve been giving up on our values of this great republic. And his stance on those darn idiots and their Global Warming ideas. I mean, from what I can tell, the Coca-Cola commercials still have polar bears so it’s not like they’re endangered. TPP: Ms. Palin, may I ask, what makes you think that those polar bears are real? SP: I’ve seen all those movies like “Life of Pi” and “The Hobbit” and I know that they can make all them fancy special effects but come on, why do that
nbc.com
when you can just go down south to get some pretty pictures and videos. TPP: Ah, okay. Well Ms. Palin, as we were saying, you are one of the biggest names out there running for the GOP candidacy and with your platform and plans for an angelic Vice President candidate at your side, how does Mr. Palin feel about possibly moving into the White House as the First Gentleman? SP: Oh, he’s very excited but he say’s he’s gonna have to put in a huge pond for his fishing because he can’t do without it. That man, he’s a strong commercial fisherman and he’s gonna at l least have to catch some of the little one’s to be happy.
TPP: Well Ms. Palin, this talk was quite lovely and we can’t wait to see what will come for you and the GOP during the election cycle. SP: It was great to speak to young minds like yours that can still be put on the right path. And don’t worry. You’ll hear from me and the GOP come 2016. Palin plans to run a heavy race against the other men in the GOP but asserts that she may not win because of “Mother Nature” as the men in her party think it may make her act very irrational ever so often. Never the less, come 2016, there will be a loud and slightly screechy voice coming from the Republicans.
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APRIL FOOLS :)
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