The Real You

Connection + Authenticity go hand in hand.

How reflecting on your story can deepen your relationships.

Self-love and acceptance are hardly marketable terms for this time of the year; instead, women are encouraged to be discontented in all areas of our lives: to crave transformation around our bodies, our relationships, our careers, our intellect–pretty much everything. We focus our energy on changing rather than celebrating, recreating rather than reflecting.

With the New Year comes the laundry list of ways we resolve to be better versions of ourselves: a rather treacherous path we go down every year, with many pitfalls including comparison, shame, and lack. FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) kicks into high gear and we lament not being—or having—enough. We forget that real, lasting transformation comes from a deeper place of connection and authenticity.

As a severe anxiety sufferer throughout my teens and young-adulthood, I spent many years trying to fit myself into an acceptable definition of a person: someone secure, not fearful; outgoing, not timid; mysterious, not avoidant. Whereas, in reality, fear kept me paralyzed and blocked me from connecting with many different joyful parts of life.

Rather than acknowledge my uniqueness, I made excuses for not being the version of myself that I felt the world was expecting of me. Of course, this led to my keeping people at arm's length, a pattern many of us follow in different areas of our lives. Some of us may even identify with avoidance as our default way of being. This perspective values social expectations over staying true to ourselves and celebrating what’s genuine within.

When we shift our focus to reflecting on our stories and welcoming what we find with honesty, we get a much more tangible experience of our lives. Rather than seeing our perceived flaws, we start to appreciate the transformational nature of these things we’ve taken for granted.

We become clearer on our passions, on what we requireto live our best lives, and how we can open ourselves up todeeper connections.

Showing up with Ourselves

Amazingly, when I stopped looking at my anxiety story as something to be covered up, I developed a new appreciation for just who I was and all the positive things that my anxiety had contributed to my life. I began to see my true self as an observant person, as an empath, and as a vehicle for compassion.

I developed a new understanding for the “fearful self” who just wants to be seen and comforted; I grew to admire my “protector self” who is quiet, yes, but very strong and incredibly passionate. In fact, I took on the words “quiet courage” as a sort of personal motto, a two-word manifesto for my truest self. After being controlled by fear for so much of my life, taking up the mantle of my authenticity was a revelation.

Cultivating authenticity is an act of honest, all-encompassing reflection on You. Where are the sources of pride and wisdom in yourself? What are your struggles, and how have they shaped you? Acknowledging your virtues and your vices with equal acceptance doesn’t come easy, but that’s what makes it a “practice.”

Some women do this through creativity, some through spirit; there’s no wrong way to get to know your true self as long as you participate fully and open up to all that you are. By acknowledging the darkness and the light we discover that what we think are flaws are tools that help us to grow into our fullest and most passionate self.

Showing up with Others

Unquestionably, owning our story is easier in private than openly communicating it to others. Vulnerability may be the most difficult muscle to flex. At the height of difficulty on my journey with anxiety, I was terrified of meeting new people for the simple reason that I dreaded the question, “What do you do?” I couldn’t very well say, “I do Social Anxiety.”

Or could I? I experimented with opening up to family and friends, and eventually even to complete strangers as I met them. My truth became this: I’m in recovery from a struggle with severe anxiety that occupied much of my life for a while. I’m doing quite well and continuing to grow in courage. A radical shift from the fearful self who always felt the need to “hide” my flaws, to say the least.

The people in my life didn't meet my newly-visible true self with the discomfort or disappointment I expected. They met me with respect and admiration. Many people could relate, and others were empathetic even when they couldn’t relate. My openness invited the people around me into a more intimate space, changing my life experience exquisitely.

Being radically genuine with the people around us opens a door to an even deeper acceptance within us, continuing the cycle our original willingness to be authentic set into motion. The stronger your foundation of self-acceptance, the more confidently you’ll move into authenticity in your relationships.

Because realness attracts more realness, reflecting on your story can profoundly change the way you relate to other people. You will find that your bravery evokes compassion and engagement, your revelations are contagious. Through acceptance and authenticity, you’ll find luminous and emotional connections, forged with the very real, very vibrant You.

Casee Marie is a motivational writer living in Wallingford, Connecticut with her rescue pup, Blaze. She is the author of the online journal Hope & Harbor where she writes to encourage a deeper relationship with compassion and vulnerability. You can connect with her at caseemarie.com.

Photos by Becca Brendler, @beccabrendler