The Catch WJHS....................... I think
April 22, 1925
Volume -8, Issue π
You don’t need to know where we are, stalker
Photo by Izzy Salant
Students crafted detailed posters (above) and picket signs expressing their disdain and imposing threats on the school over the tragic loss of break, which they used in an organized protest (below).
A crowd of WJ students gathered in the cafeteria to protest the unjust cancellation of spring break with elaborate signs. A sea of solemn faces demonstrated that these determined and strong-willed students refuse to stand for this devastating loss of precious time off.
Photo by Marissa Nardella
Students riot in cafeteria due to cancellation of spring break By Marissa Nardella Faint cries of “Revolution!” “We want our spring break back!” “Give us our spring break back or the school breaks!” issued from the cafeteria and reached into the deepest, darkest corners of WJ on the first day of what was supposed to be the long-awaited spring break. “Given the ludicrous number of snow days that we have had this winter, MCPS took away our spring break in an attempt to make up for missed school days,” said sophomore Jenny Gooden, who took part in the protest. “It’s not fair, and it’s not right because it was not
absolutely ridiculous!” she said. However, she is now grateful that she does not have to do her job right now, and is enjoying herself. The mayhem caused by the protestors has also spread from the cafeteria to infect the rest of the school. Approximately 99.99999 percent of the students, except the protestors, have been absent from school since the onset of the protest. Since teachers no longer have students to teach in their classes, they have disappeared as well, and all building services employees have quit. WJ has become an absolute beehive of activity for the first time in its history.
NOT SPORTS page 4
FLUFF page 5
COMPLAINTS pages 6-7
DEPORTES page 8
The new school mascot threatens students.
This is a date; something that you are missing for prom.
Aardvarks have infested the school, and measures are being taken to hinder their reproduction.
Junior Justin New plays golf. Who “new” we had a golf team?
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properly sanctioned by the state!” After hearing about the cancellation of spring break, students stewed in fury over the weekend and finally decided that they simply could not allow this atrocity to happen. On Mon., April 14, students of all grades, appearances and personalities converged on the cafeteria. Three weeks in, they still remain. Their tactics include picketing, screaming at the top of their lungs, and sit-in demonstrations. An anonymous cafeteria employee commented on the protesting students’ demonstrations. “We can’t get anything done in the kitchens. As a result, we have had to turn away customers… This is
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FOX NEWS
FEBRUARY 33, 2525
Some random website no one goes to Like The Pitch on Facebook and follow us on Twitter @TheWJPitch. Or not, we don’t care!
SAT causes student breakdowns By Claudia Nguyen
During the SAT test administered on March 8, it was reported that several hundred students across the county exhibited unusual, animalistic behavior after taking only a few sections of the test. Several students began banging on the doors and windows, while others began tearing up the tests with their teeth. This alarming incident has prompted investigations by Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS). Thus far, examinations of affected students have pointed to excessive stress as the cause for the irregular behavior. Junior Ezra Lyansane is taking 15 AP classes and participates in 42 extra-curricular activities. He admitted that this year has taken a bit of a toll on him. “One time I didn’t do my homework, and so I shut myself into a locker over the weekend,” he said. “I got hungry so I began nibbling on my unfinished homework for nourishment. Unfortunately, building services found me on Monday and forced me to get out.” Juvenile psychoanalyst Dr. Phil Angie has been spear-heading the examinations of students affected by this odd, primal behavior. He stated that high levels of stress have caused an alteration in the brain function of many students, resulting in animal-like tendencies. “Every homework assignment poses a serious risk to these students,” said Angie. “The condition is extremely contagious, transferrable through awkward eye-contact. In order to dodge being infected, students are advised to avoid looking at each other or their teachers.” In response to the overwhelming number of students who are suffering from crazed behavior and emotional dilapidation, administration has made the decision to convert the school cafeteria into a mental hospital. Construction began in early April, and already student, parent and staff response has been positive. “We have a cafeteria?” exclaimed one WJ parent. “Well, in any case, I’m thrilled it’s going to be used for such a great cause.”
LETTER FROM THE ANDERS Dear WJ Population,
You’re probably wondering where the Letter from the Editors is. Well, no one reads it anyway, but here’s the deal. I have spent the past four years crawling my way out of the pit of puberty and have finally come to claim the throne I was promised. I allowed myself to lose the SGA election, because I was only an immature junior back then. I didn’t care when I lost Homecoming King, because it was a meaningless title anyway. But then came senior superlatives, and I was awarded SECOND biggest diva. And finally Mr. WJ, where I came in third place. I have been tolerant for far too long. Now is the time when I take control of the school and take back those titles which are rightfully mine. Which is why, from now on, I am the principal of WJ. I am also the assistant principals, counselors and history teachers. Here are my demands for school to return to normal: a bus full of P4P pawprints, an elephant-sized load of Mad Towels and the entire box set of “Friends” on DVD and Blu-ray. If these demands are not met, I’ll complain about it on the MadCows group on Facebook and you will have many notifications. You have been warned. Also this is not a threat… it’s a promise. Happy Holidays!
Love, Anders Norberg Not Anders Norberg
Photo by Izzy Salant
WJ is locked-in By Joshua Lang
As of April 1, WJ has initiated a new security measure for the rest of the 2014 school year. Doors will now be locked from the outside of the school, preventing both students and teachers from leaving the school at all times. This will protect students who are more prone to do insane stunts outside than inside rather than school. For example, with many of trees and rocks outside, there are many ways both students and teachers could possibly injure themselves and others. The growing number of stunts, such as multiple Dodge Rock games which always end up with people breaking some bones, have been linked to Spring Fever Syndrome (SFS), which drives people to do insane and crazy stunts with no regard for safety . Keeping safety in mind, Principal Jennifer Baker enacted Executive Order #001, which will put this safety measure into effect immediately. Recently, a study was conducted by the Association for the Lack of Caring (AFLAC) that concluded the probability of senseless stunts has risen by an astonishing 500 percent due to the incredible temperature increase, which was long overdue after one of the longest and most grueling winters in Maryland history. AFLAC is absolutely certain that because of skyrocketing temperatures and the indecisiveness of whether it is cold or not, there will be an epidemic of SFS. The epidemic is expected to be the worst in history, though it was also discovered that students aren’t the problem or the worry; it’s the teachers. Most teachers have access to cars and have at least one planning period during the day. During this time, they have many opportunities to exit the school and go wild. Last time an epidemic of SFS broke out, Montgomery Mall experienced an increase in thefts, primarily calculators. These stolen calculators were later found at Churchill High School in one of the AP Calculus rooms. Unfortunately, the pandemic of SFS will be so strong, and so potent, AFLAC has predicted it will last until spring of 2015.
This is NOT Anders Norberg.
To read the rest of these articles and many more...
Math teacher James Choi invents the “unit square” Science teacher Jamie Grimes designs new line of colorful cowboy boots Freshmen clog up senior hallway, school closed for the day “Melted,” sequel to Disney’s “Frozen,” set to premere Senior class treasurer Brian Lee gets C in ESOL, still gets 2400 on SAT
...visit pages 9-20 Photo by Izzy Salant
English teacher Rachel Gold establishes Flip Flop Fridays.
Photo courtesy of Brian Lee
Brian Lee at his most enlightened moment before taking his perfect SAT.
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DECEMBER 25, YEAR 0
FOX NEWS
MCPS Super Dr. Joshua Starr attacked by MCPS By Izzy Salant
It is no surprise Superintendent Dr. Joshua Starr received hateful tweets due to his “we refuse to close school just because there are blankets of snow and deathly dangerous conditions” mentality. Students and parents from all around Montgomery County tweeted hurtful messages at Starr, condemning him for his lack of action. Or did they? Due to the National Security Agency (NSA)’s recent invasion of privacy, and their immense lack of anything even remotely meaningful to do, tweets all over the world were stalked and monitored by the agency. After an investigation that lasted a grueling 10 minutes, it was discovered that the insulting tweets were written by none other than MCPS teachers and administrators catfished as students and parents online. Principal of District 13 high school, which may or may not exist, headed the entire opera-
tion. She refused to comment due to a deal she had made to keep quiet in exchange for not being nuked. Each and every one of the aliases behind the malicious tweets was decoded. Apparently the parent who tweeted “I actually love the job you’re doing and am not mad at all. #pleasedontfireme”
Tweet from Twitter
The actual and original tweet from Baker’s Twitter account. There is only one known photo of this in the world.
When cats and dogs collide: Rival schools WJ and Churchill merge as “Winter Johnchill” By Anna Hovey Due to the complete and total (and mysterious) ruination of local high school Winston Churchill, well-liked and seldom cyber-bullied Superintendent Joshua Starr made the executive decision to relocate the school-less students to WJ until the school is back on its feet. Unfortunately, no one anticipated the endless issues that would rear their ugly heads when two bitterly opposed schools were forced to coexist in one, already highly-overcrowded establishment. “The situation here at WJ now is less than optimal, but we did what was necessary to help out a fellow MCPS school in need of our-OW!!!” remarked WJ Principal Jennifer Baker before being rammed down the stairs by a crazed swarm of dueling WJ and Churchill students. “The hallways are so jammed that we have had to extend the time betweenclasses from six minutes to 30. It’s like a swarm of bees out here,” said an exasperated Assistant Principal Micah Wiggins before being consumed by a crowd of students trying desperately to escape the backpacked masses. Due to this immense addition of time between classes, the school day has been extended by three whole hours, meaning the day lasts from 7:25-5:10. This controversial action has generated little success and much anger, causing students to schedule school-wide walkouts at 2:10 on the dot. Certain groups have organized boycotts of this extension, which involve chanting and throwing toilet paper at the school. “I literally crowd surfed down the halls yesterday,” exclaimed an overly excited sophomore sporting a sling and neck brace. “It was crazy awesome! That
was actually Principal Jennifer Baker; the angry parent who spoke out “I like pancakes” because they didn’t understand what was going on or how to use twitter, was only science teacher Tom Rogers; and the frustrated student who tweeted “the weather outside is as cold as Dr. Starr’s heart” was none other than
is, until a group of Churchill kids realized I was from WJ and dropped me hard to the ground, which resulted in the breakage of my arm, sprain of my neck and a trip to the ER.” According to an anonymous security guard, six intense rap battles erupted in the hallways of the school yesterday. Rival students “spat bars” at one another between classes over WJ’s occasional bad luck with sports and Churchill’s snooty, pompous, superior, belittling, irritating, demeaning and malicious attitude. “Do you guys have a first down cheer, since you can never make a full touchdown?” remarked one Churchill male towards a group of WJ cheerleaders while laughing hysterically. “Maybe if your rich daddy had donated even more money to the school we wouldn’t have- I mean, it wouldn’t have burned down!” shot back a particularly saucy cheerleader. Upon being asked his opinion of the merger, one rowdy student exclaimed “DOWN WITH CHURCHILL!!!” whilst running down the hall clutching a bat and a bottle of spray paint. Nine cars had ostrich eggs violently thrown at them today alone, not to mention the senior shed in the back was covered with paintings of the signature Churchill Bulldog and branded with the words “Churchill wuz here u loserz rotflmao”. The new merger school’s mascot will be the bullcat- a frankly terrifying creature with the head of a wildcat and the body of a bulldog. Also, the school has decided to combine Churchill’s colors of blue and white with WJ’s forest green and white to create a sort of nauseating, swampy, vomit color.
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the principal of District 13 high school herself, Nichole Kellerman, who finally agreed to comment if we kept her identity a secret. “Do you know how hard it is to be a teacher?” she said. “It’s grueling work. The tests, the grading and the children! Oh, the psychotic, headache-inducing children! I needed another snow day to catch my breath but Dr. Starr over here thought otherwise. I can’t stand it!” The principal of District 13 high school and others are part of an organization known as No Attention to Taking Off (NATO) and has over 20 members, all from the MCPS community. The organization has taken a stance, and on Feb. 33 they released a statement to the public: “We will not stand idly by while you continue to take away our freedoms. We have a dream that one day man will rise up and take back their sleep they so rightously deserve.”
Black market permits permits By Sarah Schecker On Tues., April 8, a WJ student parking permit appeared for sale on the black market for the first time, despite it being against school guidelines to transfer parking permits between students. It would appear that the huge demand for a miniscule number of school parking permits has pushed students to engage in extreme, not to mention illegal, transactions. Sources cannot confirm whether or not these permits are counterfeit. Since appearing on the CottonRoad website, there has been a great interest in them regardless. “There just aren’t enough legal permits available to students,” said an aggravated junior who preferred to remain anonymous due to the risks that come
with talking about such a risky topic. “Every day, I park my car in fear of being towed or ticketed, and these illegal permits have solved my worries for the rest of my weeks here at WJ.” Administration has noticed the increase in permitted cars in the lot, which tipped off security because they did not issue close to the amount of permits being at the beginning of the semester that are currently being used. Though illegal, security has recognized the difficulty students have obtaining permits when they are granted their licenses in the middle of the semester. “I got my license the day after applications for permits were due,” said a grumpy senior. “I had no other choice but to seek out this illegal alternative.”
Photo by Chizobam Nwagwu
Many of the illegal transactions, such as the one pictured above, take place by the brick wall of the parking lot on the side of the cafeteria. Knowing this information, security still doesn’t know where to look to stop the transactions.
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NOT SPORTS
ASL: 22, FEMALE, MARYLAND
P4P plans for desperate measures
By Michael Godfrey and Selma Stearns
Despite the leadership class’ best efforts, WJ did not achieve its goal of raising $85,000 in February; instead students’ efforts fell about $84,990 short. This caused members of leadership and other spirited students to plan extreme strategies to raise more money next February. Next year, Pennies for Patients fundraising and awareness month will be extended until May 30, so volunteers can panhandle seniors and their families on their way into DAR Constitution Hall in order to maximize the monetary intake from the senior class. Mandatory hallway hazing will involve members of Leadership harassing students and holding them upside-down by their ankles in order to shake loose any spare change. In efforts to improve school morale and support for the cause, Principal Jennifer Baker announced that there will be a new mascot in addition to the Wildcat, Mad Cow, Banana, and Mountain Lion. The new mascot, Penny the Patient, is a large coin with a crazed bloodthirst for students’ loose change, and a friendly smile. At pep rallies, Penny will bring out a horde of North Bethesda and Tilden students dressed up as smaller versions of Penny. “The Coppers,” as these children are to be called, will run up and down the bleachers asking for money, and will potentially sneak around underneath the bleachers swiping wallets from students and teachers. Posters of Penny will be placed in every
staircase and read, “I’m watching you; don’t think I can’t see that cash in your pocket!” Construction has already begun on a copper statue of a WJ student to be placed in the Commons in order to boost students’ love for the metal. The unnamed male student who served as the model for the statue has not yet seen it, as he has been mysteriously absent from school since the statue was built. Next winter, the DC area is predicted to have twice as many snow days as this year. In anticipation, Leadership plans on combining P4P events to maximize money raised. The “Student-Staff Burrito Glo” event will consist of students eating a whole Chipotle burrito, playing in the studentstaff basketball game and then dancing at the Glo dance for four hours. At “WJ Feeder Bachelor Night,” elementary and middle schoolers who come to the Carnival for fun rides will be sold back to their parents for ridiculously large amounts of money. Just to be sure that funding goals are met, the WJ budget has already been significantly reorganized to devote more money to P4P. For example, Georgetown Square is the new official destination of all school-sponsored field trips, and Building Services has already started trading in all of the current school computers for a more box-y brand with Windows 95. The most drastic effect of the budget cuts has been a sharp reduction in money allotted for the printing of The Pitch, so we apologize if some articles come out not quite fi
WORD SEARCH
Words
Catch Newspaper April Spring Ms Baker
Flowers Easter Halloween Christmas Summer
I’m watching you; don’t think I can’t see that cash in your pocket! Graphic by Emily Cosentino
The proposed poster to support Penny the Patient’s agenda.
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Catch A GUIDE TO PROM WITHOUT BREAKING THE BANK
By Audrey Marek and Annika LaVina
THE FLUFF SECTION
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Prom tickets are extremely expensive, which doesn’t leave much money for anything else, including the promposal, the clothes, or other details like the corsage and limousine. Add to the mix that at this point, you’re starting to think you might have to pay someone to go with you, and you’re flat broke. Thankfully, the Pitch staff is here to help. Here’s a start-to-finish prom guide that will cost you barely anything.
Promposal
Photo from flickr, docoverachiever
Origami skills are a sure way to impress your object of affection.
If you are lucky/attractive enough to actually have a possibility of scoring a date, you’ve got to get this right. There have been recent reports that colleges can hinge their acceptance on the quality of your promposal, and that you must now send in a video of the event with your final transcript. Needless to say, you have to nail it. But you must be thinking “big romantic displays are so difficult to organize and often times so expensive.” Well, we’ve got a solution for you that can be completed without exiting the halls of Walter Johnson. Get to school early one morning and begin wandering the halls, picking out some of the better club posters or class advertisements taped to the walls and lockers. If you find some you think your object of affection would like, take them down, tape and all. Preferably use the ones that are nice and colorful to make
a powerful impression, or maybe ones for clubs that your target is in. If you happen to know origami, try folding them into birds. If not, use the pre attached tape to create an artful collage on a locker spelling out “Prom?” If you’re looking for a little more variety, try seeking out some discarded tin foil to add some shine. Chances are you can find some on the floor of the senior hallway at the end of lunch about two feet from a trash can. Then don’t sign it, and run away. Like a random letter made of magazine clippings from a serial killer, it’s oh so intriguing. If your date-to-be can’t figure out who is promposing, simply walk up to him or her and ask “Want to go to prom?” in monotone without any emotion or facial expression. This is a good way to keep from appearing too desperate, even though you are.
Transport
Since you’ve managed to read to step two, you must be pretty cheap. It’s OK though, we’re not judging (maybe, only a little bit), and we’re here to help you out. One frugal option is to take the RideOn bus, which is free with a student ID. This perfect mode of transportation offers many seating options and also has an abundance of space for your date to stretch out. In addition to a lot of room, the bus also comes complete with a grumpy driver to really kick start your night into action. Your very own chauffer! If you’re lucky enough, other people will also be on the bus and will
most likely marvel at how good you look, giving you the confidence boost much-needed for your wimpy self-esteem. If you don’t like this idea, that’s ok, go for a nice walk to get to prom. The summer evening air will create a romantic atmosphere, and hey, if your date can dance in those shoes, then a 3K walk shouldn’t be a problem, right? Also, sometimes there’s a slight chill at night, giving you an excuse to seem like a gentleman by letting her borrow your chicken suit to keep warm (Down coats are warm and stylish, it’s basically the same thing). Photo from flickr, SchuminWeb
Ride On buses, like the one pictured above, are a cheap, classy way to get to prom with lots of seating.
Clothes Having trouble finding the perfect outfit? No worries! It doesn’t have to be expensive if it’s original. Most people insist that their dates dress up and wear a tux or suit. This is totally doable on a budget; wear a used chicken suit with a bow tie. It technically meets the requirements. If you don’t have a chicken suit, spice things up a bit by throwing a little twist to your outfit. Instead, put on a bear suit, penguin suit, or even a toga.Your object of desperate romantic affection will
absolutely love it and appreciate your creativity. If tying bowties also serves a problem, other options are available for the taking. Dig into your pantry and pull out a practical solution to the lack of a bowtie- bowtie pasta! Not only is it already tied, the lightcolored beige adds a pop to your dull outfit. Make sure to also clip the pasta extra tight so it doesn’t fall off while you dish out some sick dance moves on the dance floor.
Graphic by Audrey Marek
A chicken suit is a creative and comfortable alternative to the traditional tux.
Corsage
While it may seem a little frivolous, a corsage is a must. “But florists are so expensive, and the flowers just die anyway!” We hear you, and we’ve got you covered. By May, there’s only an occasional snowstorm, meaning there might be some actual flowers in bloom. This should give you a wide array of options, including dandelions, buttercups and vioGraphic by Audrey Marek lets. Hopefully she likes The graphic above is shamelessly photoshopped because yellow and purple. If there are no flowers in April. this sounds like way too much work, return to Thanks Obama. those origami skills you employed earlier and fold a nice paper bouquet. That, or just use dead flowers; we hear they’re discounted.
aLEX’S cORNER
Bud dum tsssssss
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COMPLAINTS
APRIL 22, 2014
#WHINING
The editorial section of The Pitch prides itself in consistently publishing thorough coverage of all topics plaguing the student population. Due to limited space, we have found we are unable to cover all the subjects we would like to every month in depth. To remedy this, we have decided to include a concise list of the topics we would like to cover, but can’t.
•Hipsters •Major news networks •Not having paper towels •Hippies •Course load •Lack of school spirit •Hip replacement surgery •Junk mail sent by colleges •Hippotami •Pop stars acting foolish •The sun is too bright •Third world problems •The sun isn’t bright enough •First world problems •Sexism in modern American literature •The fact that no one cares about second world problems •Bullying •Reality TV shows •Movie versions of books •Promposals that aren’t dramatic enough •Aardvarks •Teachers who have lives outside of school •Lists •Snow days •The rising cost of everything •Conservatives •Lack of snow days •Teenagers who debate social justice •Feelings •Not finding an accurate emoticon •Putin •Weed •Public displays of affection •Teenage drinking •Weeds •Slow internet services •Spectator Magazine •Weeds (the TV show) •People who complain too much •Seaweed •PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS •Obesity •Corruption •Ads on internet services •People who don’t like leggings •Leggings •Hashtags •Cheerless Chearleaders •Leadership Class •Celebrities
Graphic by Adriana Del Grosso Photo by Sarah Schecker
By Anders Norberg
Reminiscing on the past when you
brightened my day Always smiling with your shiny, pearl-white teeth. Could anyone ever be as amazing as you? How can I describe perfection in a poem? Every definition has nothing on you. Lovely blue eyes, like a sea of beauty. Golden hair, shimmering and smooth. Oh how I wish I could grace your presence. Let this poem stand for my proposal Destiny puts us together, Perhaps your holiness might accompany me. Receiving me would be the highlight of my life Oh, nothing would ever compare to that moment: Memorable, magical, momentous.
?
Now read the first letter of every line.
Advocating a solution for aardvark affliction By Alex Alavi Recently there have been an abnormal amount of aardvarks roaming loose in the school. “There’s an aardvark” said one student. Aardvarks are a very important faction of our school ecosystem, cleaning up the mess left by students after lunchtime. They also play a crucial role in the school’s tennis team. “I don’t know where we’d be without them,” said Tenis McGee. However, an infestation of aardvarks has caused the school to become clustered up and crowded beyond repair. “Aardvark feces line the floors and everybody smells like aardvark!” said one, obviously perturbed, stoodent. One anonynonymous staff member said, “Aardvarks are fine when there’s just one or ten of them, but three hundred and forty seven is waaay to many.”
Many solutions are being proposed by faculty, parents, and students alike to solve this ANTSY (ba dum bssh) problem. One solution was to stop feeding the aardvarks and let them start eating themselves, but it was quickly pointed out that nobody feeds the aardvarks anyway. Another proposition was to use the aardvarks as targets in the school archery unit, but soon they realized that not enough people signed up for General PE for that to be economically feasible. A third solution was to let the aardvarks go and roam free from the school, but this cannot be done legally because of the No Aardvark Left Behind Act passed in 1976. The only solution, in this reporter’s eyes, lies in the device which has prevented human overpopulation for years: the condom. Trojan has just released a press statement saying that they would
be more than happy to provide and distribute Aardvark Condoms (TM) to all the socially prevalent aardvarks in the school. Another solution would be the distribution of Aardvark Birth Control (ABC) to all the attractive aardvarks in the school. However there is much dispute in the House of Aardvarks (HA) on whether or not to provide
these ABCs free as part of Aardvark Federal Health Care (This one doesn’t have a funny acronym). This reporter says, let aardvark sex reign, but please be responsible about it.
Photos courtesy of Brittanica ImageQuest
An attractive aardvark approaches the Aardvark Birth Control pills, in order to prevent against unwanted aardvark pregnancy.
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APRIL 22, 2014
COMPLAINTS
Wi-Fi Mind Control? Students take valuable preventive measures By Adriana Del Grosso
Last year, The Pitch went to classes and asked questions about topics that are coincidentally covered in this issue. Here are the results.
Are you an aardvark? Yes No Maybe
100% 0% 0%
If you haven’t already read about the aardvark infestation, go back to page 6.
Do you know our school has a golf team? No I’ve heard stories Maybe
89.0% 7.8% 3.2%
To read about the struggles of an elusive sports team, propel yourself forward to page 8 and read “Breaking News.”
Do you know how to fold an origami crane?
*All students refused to answer this question and crumpled their papers in frustration.
Yes No ??
??% ??% ??%
To learn about prom dresses that utilize creative techniques, such as origami craning, revisit page 5 and read “Prom.”
The Board of Education has voted that students of Montgomery County will have access to wireless internet from their portable devices this year. With this decision, students will be able to make full use of the internet available on their phones, tablets and other devices. However, this ruling is also under fire by those who believe there has not been enough research into how wireless waves may impact the WJ community. Among these concerns is the concern that allowing Wi-Fi will disrupt classroom activity, or that Wi-Fi is actually a form of mind control propagated by MCPS. Freshman Bimby Bobson walked the halls of WJ wearing a tinfoil hat following the announcement of the county’s Wi-Fi plans. The student body reacted mostly with confusion regarding Bobson’s new accessory, but a few have begun to realize Bobson’s ingenuity. Now, the movement to Wear Tinfoil (WTF) has spread through a Montgomery County student population concerned about the impeding Wi-Fi. These students speculate there is an anterior motive behind the school’s broadcast of Wi-Fi waves and seek to protect themselves and their young minds. A recent interview with movement head Bobson revealed his speculation that the promised Wi-Fi waves will not be simple wireless internet connection, but rather another method of mind control. “Think about it,” says Bobson. “When has the Board ever actually given us something we want? Why else would they ever want to give us Wi-Fi? Why now? It has to be a conspiracy.” Among Bobson’s other valuable contributions to the student public include his speech against the use of fluoride in water and his campaign to rent the WJ cafeteria out as a zombie preparedness center. His recent movement is believed to be his most successful in drawing attention to his cause. He hopes to spread the WTF movement next to at-risk individuals such as Starbucks-goers and library patrons. It is important to emphasize the fact that it is not just public
school students at risk. Tinfoil, or aluminum foil, has been praised by scientists and conspirators alike for its unique ability to shield from the damaging effects of mind control. Students participating in the movement harness these benefits either through folding or crumpling a sheet of tinfoil into a functional piece of headgear or by lining a more conventional hat with a sheet. Although these methods may seem extreme, the security these accessories provide far outweighs any social setbacks that arise as a result. Recently, the WTF trend has spread throughout MCPS with similar movements forming in Churchill High School and Bethesda Chevy Chase High School thanks to Bobson’s activism. Although these students are facing bullying and scrutiny due to their shiny head adornment, they are practicing a valuable means of protection from mind control all should consider.
DICTATORS Emily “Caffeine?” Cosentino Claudia “Betcha-can’t-pronounce” Nguyen Megan “Netflix Junkie” Chun SUPREME OVERLORD Sylvie “The Felon” Ellen FOX NEWS Izzy “Keepin’ it Kosher” Salant Anna “I Didn’t Sign Up for This” Hovey Tenni “Thing 1” Idler Elizabeth Summer COMPLAINTS Wahid “Did you know I was foreign?” Ishrar Adriana “Andriannanea” Del Grosso Anders “2nd Biggest Diva” Norberg NOT SPORTS SelmaStearns@dabomb.com Michael Godfather of Souls Marissa Nutella Amanda “Not so” Gross THE FLUFF SECTION Audrey “Probably a Senior” Marek Annika “Class Cutie” La Vina Nico “Game Reviews” Bonetta-Misteli DEPORTES Ben “Little Res” Resnick Jake Weine...... Zeke “Whipped” Green Josh “Skippin’ Train Jumpa” Greenberg Sabrina “My Last Name’s a Typo” Greene
COPY EDITORS Anna “I Didn’t Sign Up for This” Hovey Marissa Nutella ART Adriana “Andriannananea” Del Grosso Alex “the Funk” Alavi CONTRIBUTING JOURNALISTS Nick del Ishrar Aram “Thing 2” Dommerholt Zack “Online Shopper” Shapiro Joshua “AP” Lang Chizobam “Video Queen” Nwagwu Sarah “M.I.A.” Schecker
Photo by Adriana Del Grosso
Senior Paul Relph, an advocate of the WTF movement, models his functional aluminum headwear.
riencing déjà vu every issue. Arts & Entertainment makes layout mistakes only about 80 percent of the time but often in colors that sear our readers’ retinas so no one will notice, while Feature pores over the secret lives of teachers no one would have thought twice about otherwise. In Sports, you get a cheery, in-depth recount of the school’s embarrassingly second-rate athletic extracurricular. We also manage to take it a step further and offer half-hearted advice about how our devoted sports teams can rock the newest, fashionable athletic getup as they miss the eighteenth throw in a row.
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PUBLIC RELATIONS Sabrina “My Last Name’s a Typo” Greene Claudia “Make it Rain” Nguyen
The Catch Opinion
The Pitch is such an underappreciated newspaper. When the newspaper staff members walk around the school, it really hurts to hear our readers think the paper is a joke, or that our articles don’t hold any merit. We are proud to bring you subpar articles on a monthly basis to fuel our biased, blatantly liberal agenda. Every month we grace you with our quasiartfully wrought sections for little to no recognition—aren’t you proud, WJ? The News section covers the most outdated and irrelevant topics, and our stubborn reliance on consistency means the front page leaves our readers expe-
THE STAFF
Issue after issue, we take a few minutes out of our lives in order to ensure that our readers get only the best from the full Pitch experience. We publish a paper specifically for our enthusiastic WJ audience. Why else would we still be using the same tacky baseball theme and continue to cycle through the same few topics? If we write about issues nobody cares about, it’s only because we want equal representation. So the question remains, why don’t you read us? Well, the joke’s on you, because we don’t care anyways. #winning.
The Catch is published one times a year by the half-witted student journalists of Walter Johnson High School. Editorial opinions are blatantly liberal and it is a requirement for students of the school to agree. Don’t send anything to room 193 or e-mail thepitch@walterjohnson.com because we really don’t care. The Catch is an awardwinning paper that works towards providing readers with mediocre information in an untimely and disorganized fashion. If you have complaints, guess what? We don’t care.
AWARDS
Some Award Association Probably Lamest Layout Every year Amateur Journalists Weekly Second-to-Last Place 2010-2011 Distraction Association Most Likely to Use Color to Distract Readers 2010-2011 Columbia Scholastic Press Association You Tried Never
Deportes 8
What’s Inside
I don’t know, you look!
Ninja Tag becomes official WJ sport By Zach Shapiro
Photo by Audrey Marek
Freshman figure skater Michelle Bendersky practices her spiral in the student commons.
Students relieved they can stop caring about Olympics for another four years By Ben Resnick The 2014 Winter Olympics took over the lives of many WJ students for three weeks in February. NBC.com was overloaded with students watching the games on the school computers, causing system failures that haven’t been seen since the Halo outbreak in 2012. Students and faculty became obsessed with the Winter Olympic sports; it was common to see students practicing double axels in the student commons during lunch or groups of four students bobsledding down the stairwells after school. Although the people of WJ were fixated on these winter sports, a universal feeling of relief has come about now that the games are over. “I’m so glad I can stop caring about all those boring sports,” said senior Daniel
Kosogof. “Like really, what is the skeleton anyway?” A recent poll conducted by The Pitch revealed that 97 percent of students have stopped caring about winter sports and 46 percent admitted they are ashamed they got caught up in the hype in the first place. An influx of club charter requests came in during February as groups of students formed the biathlon and ski jumping clubs. After the first few meetings the lack of attendance called for the removal of these clubs. The WJ community is happy it can focus on football, baseball and basketball for four more years and put winter sports behind them, until the 2018 games when the craze is expected to resurface.
Ninja Tag has officially become a varsity sport at WJ. The change is a huge victory for this year’s Ninja Tag finalist and senior Wahid Ishrar. Ishrar has petitioned for Ninja Tag to become a sport ever since becoming a finalist in March. “I’ve always wanted to play a sport,” said Ishrar. “I thought to myself, this is my chance to be a varsity athlete.” The road to Ninja Tag’s acceptance was a difficult journey for Ishrar. It was a struggle for him to gain attention for his cause because no one knew who he was. Ishrar had done such a great job of staying hidden during Ninja Tag, people simply forgot he existed. “I had effectively made myself invisible,” said Ishrar. “Even my best friends couldn’t remember who I was.” Ishrar did not show up to class, hid in the cafeteria during lunch and did not participate in any clubs. Ishrar decided he had to take these actions to guarantee victory over his fierce competition. Ishrar knew he had to do something drastic to be noticed. He tried sending out some funny tweets to get attention, but none of his three followers retweeted him. He tried to start a Ninja Tag support club, but no one signed up. “I knew I had to do something big to get people to notice me,” said Ishrar. Ishrar decided to introduce himself as a new student. Immediately, he became the talk of the school. “I remember when I first heard about Wahid,” said senior Ben Goldwebber. “Everyone was talking about him. No one knew where he came from. We were all betting on where his accent was
from. I lost five dollars.” Ishrar’s unique accent and sassy personality quickly made him one of the most popular kids at school. He was considered to be the coolest senior. A petition was even started to get Wahid the senior superlative “best of the best” but unfortunatly for Ishrar, the vote had occured before he arrived and they could not be changed. Ishrar used his newfound popularity to gather support for Ninja Tag. He created an online petition and received 2,000 signatures in a matter of days. When she was shown the petition, Principal Jennifer Baker immediately wrote an email to the central office asking for approval for Ninja Tag to become a varsity sport. “At first I thought it was a crazy idea,” said Baker. “I sent the proposal to the central office so they would shoot it down and I wouldn’t have to put up with this ridiculous sport.” Luckily for Ishrar, there were several snow days that week and the proposal was never seen. Due to MCPS policy, the proposal was approved because it sat on a desk for over a week. On April 11, Ninja Tag’s spring season will begin with over six students already signed up to participate. The rules are the same as the have been in past Ninja Tag games, but Ninja Tag will now get a spot at the sports awards night. “I would like to thank everyone who signed the petition,” said Ishrar. “It was you guys who made this happen.” Ishrar is throwing a going away party for himself this Friday. He is not expected to be heard from until Ninja Tag season is over.
BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 89 percent of WJ students do not know the Golf team exists
By JakeWeinischke
Despite sporting an impressive 17-1 record and a division championship, an astounding 89 percent of WJ’s students and teachers confessed to not knowing the golf team existed. When told of the staggering statistic, the 11 percent of students and teachers who actually knew of the team’s existence appeared flabbergasted. What’s more exciting than watching a person clad in cocktail attire, hit a stationary ball, stare at it disappointedly, and then
walk with great athleticism across the field and hit it once more? They weren’t the only people utterly shocked by the poll data. Star player Justin New was equally surprised. “On an average day, two or three grandparents of team members would show up and act like they cared that I just hit par 32,” said New. Grandparents aren’t the only known supporters. Friends of team members have also been known to attend to experience the thrill of a golf ball soaring
through the air. “One time, my friend came. I told him I wouldn’t invite him to my birthday party at Shadow Land if he didn’t, so he decided to come for about 10 minutes,” said junior Josh Jacobs. Photo courtesy of Richard Payne
Junior Justin New shows off his golf swing in front of a crowd of zero.