The Catch Mar. 16 2012

The Catch

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

April Fool’s, 2012

Volume 4378 Issue 0

Number 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey

WILDCATS: A MENACE ON THE ROAD See pg. 3J

Photo by Katya Fine

Don’t Even Bother Looking At: Editorial, pg. 4J

e, Featur pg. 5J

Arts and Ent., pg. 6J

Sports, pgs. 7J-8J

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NEWS

Tech Ed Teacher Moonlights as Pigeon Racer

APRIL FOOL’S

Listserv Resolves Cupcake Debate After 729 Emails

By Megan Chun

Concerned WJ parent Joe Smith inadvertently started a contentious debate on the Listserv last Wednesday, resulting in the exchange of approximately

By Ali Jawetz 729 emails, after innocently suggesting In addition to surfing, rock climbing, building cata- that the cafeteria start selling a cupcake pults for his children and inventing board games, tech- that meets more rigorous nutritional nology teacher Kelly Dunston has added pigeon racing standards than the ones already offered.

The proposed choice was a gluten-free, to his myriad of weird hobbies.

Dunston has being raising pigeons for the past 11 sugar-free, low calorie, low sodium, years, prepping them for national competitions, and dairy free, nut free, organic orange conhas been a loyal member of the American Racing Pi- centrate-flavored cupcake with a soy geon Union since 2002. His first experience with the milk-based frosting, which have been available since March 20. sport was certainly a unique one.

According to Smith, he had no idea “I was just trying to shoot a squirrel with a BB gun in order to get it off of my lawn,” said Dunston. “Some- such a simple request to the school how, the bullet actually ricocheted and hit a pigeon. cafeteria would turn into an “online As it turns out, I hit a racing pigeon, and it had a note brawl.” After his email was sent out the Graphic by Julia Cinquegrani attached to its leg! I read the note, and it happened to Listserv, Smith received over 50 replies Listserv subscribers had their inboxes flooded on by emails regarding the conbe from Sara, my future wife.We got in touch and have in less than two minutes.

“I got so many emails that my iPhone tentious cupcake debate. been together ever since.”

“What about the rest of the kids in the school who Dunston and his wife have been a major part of and all three of my Blackberry smartcan eat eggs, milk, gluten, nuts and sugar? Why make the D.C., Maryland and Virginia (DMV) racing phones became overloaded,” he said. “All my kid wantthem suffer because of the few kids who can’t?” said region for the past five years, after acquiring ed was to buy a [expletive] cupcake from the school one parent, who claimed to be a licensed child cafeteria.” their current winning pigeon, Homer. psychologist who attended a “more prestigious” school Smith said he received mixed responses.

He received In competitions, the human trainers of racing pigeons are called “Meule- encouragement from some parents, who agreed the than Oatus’ parent. “Kids with these ‘disabilities’ need mans,” named after a famous and suc- cafeteria has not been focused enough on meeting nu- to face things that they cannot have! Any parent who cessful pigeon fancier from Belgium named Karel tritional standards from the United States Department disagrees with me clearly needs to go take some parMeulemans. Meulemans have different techniques to of Agriculture, which oversees school meals. The vast enting classes, or get a better education.”

The parent who wrote the post asked her name to approaching the sport, and many of them are kept majority of the replies, he said, were from parents remain anonymous, but said she received many nasty secret. But Dunston revealed the trick to his pigeon- hoping to put heavy restraints on the new cupcake. replies, some of which called her comments “stupid” One reply from a parent read, “My son, Oatus, is racing success exclusively to The Catch. and “pointless.” severely allergic to all forms of nuts.

He also cannot “I separate the female and male pigeons into differSmith read every reply. He said it seemed like everyent cages on the night before a race,” he said. “When I tolerate gluten or dairy products. As a naturopathic one had something to say, even if it was “just a word or release the male pigeons, they fly faster so they can get physician who received a medical degree from a highly two.”

But as more and more people hit “reply all,” the esteemed academic institution in the [San Francisco] back to their mates.”

Listserv became flooded with mismatched conversaThis technique is called “widowing” and is actually Bay Area, I also believe that products with sugar or tions and angry responses. inorganic materials should not be served to growing used often in pigeon-racing tournaments.

After 729 replies over a span of 16 hours, the Listyouths.”

The birds have chips attached to their serv moderator stepped in and said, in the final post of Another parent replied to that post, “To add on to legs which measure the distance and the conversation, that the PTSA had compiled the first that, my son Timothy has Type 2 diabetes and cannot speed they take to come back home. consume sugar. Timothy is also overweight and I do 40 posts. From them, they came up with the glutenThe winner of the race is the pinot believe it would be fair to produce a product that free, sugar-free, low calorie, low sodium, dairy free, geon with the highest velocity. is high in calories or sodium; doing so would exclude nut free and organic orange concentrate-flavored cupRaces are generally between cake with a soy milk-based frosting, which is “a healthy, my son!”

100 and 1000 km However, some parents became angry by the newly 87 calorie alternative to the 95 calorie cupcake already in distance. offered.”

“I also suggested restrictions.

To date, none of the new cupcakes have sold. have a falcon,” Dunston added.

“The falcon was raised with my pigeons, so they are not afraid of him. However, when I release the falcon at tournaments, the other racing pigeons are terrified. It really gives me By Julia Cinquegrani The Windup will be named The Slap Shot; and Spectator an edge.”

School administration is set to announce that, start- will be called The Skater.

Dunston believes that Many other common terms around the school will pigeon-racing will be- ing next year, WJ will be renamed Alex Ovechkin change as well. The outdated Madcows and Wildcat come the new premiere High School, in an attempt to keep up with current mascots will be switched to the more appropriate sport amongst other rock- sports trends. Baseball seems to be falling in popu- Slappy the Seal and Pucky the Polar Bear. Students climbing and surfing lov- larity around the country, while hockey is becoming who serve as teacher aides will be renamed; instead increasingly popular, which made WJ administration ers. of being called Designated Hitters (DHs), they will be “There’s still a con- think changing the school’s namesake was appropriate. called Goal Tenders (GTs). Similarly, “The Daily Line“We felt the name change would help WJ get with nection with nature, but up” will be renamed “The Hat Trick.” you’re not just compet- the times,” said principal Jennifer Baker. “Walter JohnSchool administration also predicts that a new ing against yourself,” son and his legacy are so last century by now, but branch of hockey-related slang will develop among he said. “There’s al- Ovechkin [a left winger for the Washington Capitals] students as a result of the switch. For example, stuways a rush when you is in his prime. We believe that this switch will help dents who get in trouble for fighting can simply say know you are the best us properly transition into the 21st century once and that they were caught “checking,” and students disciMeuleman out there.” for all.”

The name change will obviously have many ramifica- plined for leaving trash around the school can say they tions. Most notably, the current baseball theme of the forgot to “Zamboni” their zone.

“I think that students should definitely look on the school will have to be changed to a hockey theme. In bright side of this change,” said Baker. “Now, instead accordance with this, many of the school’s media pubof saying that they attend ‘WJ,’ students can proudly lications have already begun deciding on new names.

Photo by Julia Cinquegrani say that they attend ‘AO.’ And they should be A-Okay Starting next year, The Pitch will be renamed The Puck; with that.”

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APRIL FOOL’S

NEWS

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Packed Hallways Force Security A Look Ahead at the Week’s Weather: to Install Traffic Equipment

By Hannah Flesch

ing stops, accidents are bound to occur With numerous injuries reported and and traffic will be an absolute mess.”

The $9,548,395 project has been students sent to the hospital last week, drawing heat as to its cost effectiveness the security team has decided to install during these tough economic times. traffic lights and stop signs in some of Since teachers have generally been unWJ’s congested hallways. The move has derpaid for the majority of human hisbeen widely supported for weeks now tory, numerous complaints about ecoby adamant parents on the once hypednomic ethics have been raised. up listserv, who have come home to see “There are a lot of other ways to altheir children mentally and physically leviate the congestion in and around our broken by foot-traffic accidents.

“My child suffered a traumatic con- school besides ‘silly’ traffic signs,” said cussion after accidently bonking heads English teacher Rachel Gold. “I perwith another student,” said Bennett sonally feel like that we should simply Peterson. “The mad rush in between get rid of some of the ridiculous high classes forced him uncomfortably close amount of students here at WJ. We to others and he ended up in a hospital could send them to Churchill and have their hallways jammed instead of ours.” bed an hour later.”

Zegowitz and the rest of the security These new traffic lights and stop signs team are considering issuing speeding will be strategically placed at the intertickets for those who tend to go above sections of busy hallways, such as the the speed limit of two miles per hour. one between the senior hallway and the Another potential provision that is bemain stairwell. Currently, in between ing debated is ticketing for any and all classes, it often takes students up to two who text while walking. minutes to push through the incredibly In the meantime, however, the unanilarge mass of kids, all trying to go in difmous decision by the WJ security team ferent directions.

“Forcing pedestrians to stop, wait to install traffic lights was finally apand be patient as they go through the proved by the Federal Transit Adminhallways is a necessary measure to en- istration (FTA). Pending final approval sure the safety of all those who roam by FTA secret member Fred Delello, all [the halls of] WJ,” said security member, systems are go.

Lindsey Zegowitz.

“We see this kind of regulation outside on the roads and we have been called upon to enact the same inside our school.”

The way the proposed solution will work is that 10-second lights will change from green to yellow to red, similar to the ones used in real traffic situations. Students must wait before the light turns green to continue their trip, or in some cases, will have to come at a complete stop before proceeding further.

“It is imperative that students, when coming up to a four-way stop, must completely stop,”

by Steven Groobert said Zegowitz. “We anticipate Due to congested hallways, WJ securityPhoto was forced to that if students only make roll- take drastic precautionary measures.

Graphic by Steven Groobert

Former Principal Garran Arrested for Trespassing on WJ Grounds

By Sari Amiel Last Friday night, former principal Christopher Garran was arrested for trespassing in the WJ building, after he was found wandering through the hallways, muttering to himself and causing school security to worry about the possible threat he posed to the student body.

Cars driving by on Rockledge Drive saw the lights in WJ’s main hall spontaneously flicker on,one after the other.

After an alarm rang outside of current principal Jennifer Baker’s locked office, building services manager John Brooks was called to the scene. He saw a man in a dark hood walking through the science hall, carrying a baseball bat and a glove.

Brooks pointed his flashlight at the dark figure and ordered him to turn around.

“I’m sorry!” the man shouted. “I had to return! I left unfinished business here, and I need to fix it.”

Brooks was surprised to see Garran standing barefoot in the hallway in wet clothes, with a WJ baseball cap underneath his hood. WJ’s former principal was staring intently at the empty hallway behind Brooks. When questioned, Garran replied that he wanted to make sure the fifth light on the ceiling had been replaced by a 9-watt A19 LED bulb, because he had witnessed the old light bulb burn before he left the night before.

“I asked him why he cared, and reminded him that the school still had the same building service and business managers, but Garran continued to list

specific changes that needed to be made to the school’s lights, ceiling, pipes and bathrooms,” said Brooks.

After further questioning, which involved local Montgomery County police and two psychiatrists, it was discovered that Garran visited WJ regularly in the evenings. Garran claimed he broke into the school due to separation anxiety and his fear of detachment.

“Despite his ties to the school, it is not acceptable for Dr. Garran to be sneaking into WJ in the evenings,” said Tom Thomson, Montgomery County police officer. “He has already changed most of the lights in the main hallway, and posted mysterious notes in Mr. Atencio’s room. Clearly, this dangerous individual has to be stopped.”

Garran was brought into the station for questioning, and remained overnight, before being issued a no-trespassing order for WJ’s campus.

“He’s very persistent, and this incident may repeat itself,” said Thomson.

“In response, we have taken some serious security measures.”

Now, building service members will take turns checking the current security cameras via their home computers, and new cameras will be installed, including in the bathrooms, to make sure the school is secured against the perpetrator in the future.

“I’m glad we are taking these extra security measures,” said Brooks. “Having Dr. Garran sit in my office at night may not be a major security issue, but it’s creepy.”

Student Causes 36 Car Pile-Up In Haste to Get to Panda Express

By Cameron Keyani Tragedy struck in the parking lot Friday March 23, when, in a haste to get to Panda Express, senior Summie Shareef shot through the WJ parking lot going 90 miles an hour and caused a 36 car pile-up, resulting in multiple injuries and over $400,000 worth of property damage.

“You can’t stop that orange chicken,” said Shareef. “I ride the Panda Express every single day.”

SGA Treasurer Santiago Josep de Paco Priess Alvarado Bockhold Mendez Gracia, who was eating shaving cream in the darkroom at the time, immediately rushed outside when he heard the accident to offer first aid to the injured students. “[The SGA] took first aid classes to-

gether on Thursday nights, after our Yoga class, Spin class,Tango class, Group Synergy class and Beyond Jogging class,” explained Josep de Paco Priess Alvarado Bockhold Mendez Gracia.

It was a grizzly scene in the parking lot, with injured passengers Tweeting and fabricating stories to their parents about their cars getting stolen as the emergency crews sawed them out of their smashed vehicles.

Senior Matt Chambers had his car completely totaled in the collision, which was a huge damper on the rest of his Friday night.

“I was going to go to 7-11! So uncool!

I had to call my mom for a ride, man,” said Chambers. “I thought I was going to die, but thankfully “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” flashed before my eyes rather

than my own life.” demic of the horrific driving of WJ The leadership class has now students, such as the erratic use of started a Pennies for Pandas signals, aggressive driving, and fundraiser, pushing to add a one-handed Chipotle steering food court attached to shows no signs of stopping the art wing to keep the (another thing WJ drivmany crazy, irresponers don’t do). sible teen drivers off As the smoke fithe road. The food nally clears, the WJ court would include Community is cona Panda Express, a sidering new safety McDonald’s, and an regulations to imArby’s as a joke. This prove the safety of food court would cost the student parking $3 million total, $1 millot, including curlion for the facilities and tailing 15 point turns, $2 million for the Promethean speeding, and businessboards that would be installed in the people from across the kitchens, bathrooms and supply closets. Cartoon by Michael Matthes street parking in the corEven with the food court, the epi- ner. Seriously, we see you.

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APRIL FOOL’S

EDITORIAL

Real responses, from real people. Only in The Catch

Next Issue’s Editorials Inspirational Stories: My remarkable journey on the road for a .2 GPA.

By Nathaniel Rees

Up Bat

“I’m not at liberty to say, but it involves my big ol’ gun and a few dead bucks.”

Tour Guide to Vacationing in Afghanistan: It’s the peaceful vacation spot you crave!

By Dora the Explorer

Smacking Pigeons Since 1992

Where do you go when you skip class?

Jamie Grimes:

“When I skip I usually go to the MAC, where I frolick in the transculent water like a dolphin.”

Point-Counter pointWhats Your Opinion of Sharks?

Point by Sherman the Great White Shark, counterpoint by a sharkbite survivor mauled by Sherman.

+

Rachel Gold:

Photos stolen from teachermugshots.com

“I party it up with Ms. Ellen. We usually spend raucous days doing haiku battles.

It’s a total blast.”

I Am Not Writing an Editorial for this Paper, this Paper is Writing an Editorial for

ME

“Can I grow a beard as cool as yours?” The secret to both my awesomeness Hello, my name is Chuck and my beard is time. It Norris. You know who I takes many years to deam. This is not an editorial velop each to perfection. like most editorials. The I, of course, came out of average editorial is written the womb with ample by an unimportant author amounts of both aweabout an important issue. someness and facial hair, In this case, the author and and my gifts developed far the topic are both imporquicker than the average tant and one and the same. mortal. After studying Chuck Norris. Me. large shifts in the earth's Obviously everyone is tectonic plates, scienfamiliar with what I have tists have nearly pinned accomplished that entitles down the exact date that me to write an editorial both these things reached about myself. I used to act Photo courtesy of the friggen man himself. perfection. Anyone in a series of highly influen- Various awesome glamour shots of myself who told you suctial, classic American films, also helped to set the precedent cess can't happen such as, “Braddock: Missing in Action for several up-and-coming comovernight was lying.

3” and “Lone Wolf McQuade.” I'm sure plete bosses at everything, inThese are trying times for both our you've heard of them. No? cluding Superman, The Incredible Hulk nation and the world and I am glad Following my movie days I decided and God. I have accomplished this by that I could guide you, the students to pursue a new career: being a com- marking my turf, drawing a line and de- of WJ, with my writings. I hope this plete boss at everything. It seemed to stroying anyone who crosses it. That is article helped you to change your life be an exciting job and it was something why so many have come to refer to me and inspired you to change your world. my colleagues had always said I had as a punch line.

Frankly, if my words didn't inspire you, knack for. Since then, I have become You may have some questions for me, I would begin some serious soul searchthe epitome of all things that make one such as, “Hey Chuck, how did you be- ing on your part. a complete boss at everything. I have come so gosh-darned kick-ass?” Or,

By Chuck Norris (and Matt Morris)

THE

Catch

Next Lev-

The Catch, the most boring newspaper ever, is published whenever the heck we feel like it by the students of Walter Johnson High School, 6400 Rock Spring Drive, Reykjavik, Iceland. Advertising and subscription rates are available by calling 911 or 000. Editorial opinions represent the views of everybody at the school and reflect the opinions of the staff, faculty, and student body, especially the most controversial editorials. The Pitch is a sorry excuse for a newspaper that works towards providing the student body with fake, crappy information that hopefully sparks mass pandemonium and chaos.

Columbia Scholastic Worst Journalism Ethic Gold Medalist 2009

Maryland HS Journalism Award American Scholastic “Most Party Animals on Staff ” Worstest Grammer First Place First Place 2010-2011 2000-2010

ReezyPeezy

By Nathaniel Rees

at

Tom Rogers:

4J

STAFF

Sari “Chatterbox” Amiel THE Girard “Party Rocker” Bucello Megan “Future Online Queen” Chun Emily “Any Photo Requests?” Cosentino Julia “Only Dependable Reporter” Cinquegrani Jenny “My Name Sounds Like Douche” Deutsch Taliah “Sporcle” Dommerholt Sylvie “Advise What?” Ellen Hannah “Bieber Fever” Flesch Steven “The Doctor” Groobert Rosie “Let’s Go to the Park” Hammack Ali “Ask Me” Jawetz Cami “Phillip’s Laugh Makes Angels Die” Keyani Danielle “Disney Princess” Markowitz Michael “ That’s Inappropriate” Matthes Matt “New Kid on the Block” Morris Claudia “Pigeons” Nguyen Nathaniel “Reezy Peezy” Rees Phillip “Don’t Laugh” Resnick Ellie “J1 All-Star” Jorling Daniel “Not Fanaroff ” Thaler Anders “?” Norberg

At long last, it’s 2:00 p.m. Another day, another test, and I am just wrapping things up.You know, I think I might grab a Quartermaine hot chocolate on the way home. Nothing hits the spot like a nice warm brew of hot chocolate after putting in seven hours of shirking responsibility in the classroom.

Yes, I think my lack of work here is done.

Few things bring more satisfaction than maintaining the appearance of an honest day’s work. There are times when it’s not always easy. Some days, I think that I will never make it all the way to lunch without accomplishing one minute of schoolwork, but somehow I always find a way. When that final bell rings, I can successfully say I did not put one ounce of effort into my day’s work.

Seriously, though, today’s utter lack of trying was a high note of the week.

I played Temple Run on my friend’s iPhone, spent an hour fantasizing about Kim Kardashian and then made faces of intense concentration at every paper I received before throwing them into the trash can. All while maintaining the charade of working diligently! Yes, my lack of productivity is certainly admirable.

I know, I still complain about school.

But only so I can act like I’m working. Truth is, I stared blankly at a white wall for 30 minutes when I should have been preparing for a test tomorrow. I may seem to be at school, but I am only there in body, and my mind is always elsewhere. This is a technique I have perfected that lets me avoid all work. To say that I am proud of my remarkable achievement in slacking off is a gross understatement.

No one thanks me for it, but day in and day out, I completely waste my teachers’ time while contributing absolutely nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, though, not working can be tough. If you do not stay engaged in your lack of learning, you may fall into the trap of listening to your teachers! Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed with the sheer number of things I don’t do in a day. That’s why it’s always good to have a routine, to get you through the trickier parts of avoiding all work in a day.

First, I tap my pencil repeatedly against my desk to make an annoying beat. Nothing helps you successfully escape work better than being absorbed by an inane activity! I also find this establishes a nice unproductive tone for the day. Then, it’s a random mix up of rocking back and forth in my chair, getting up to get a tissue every five minutes and texting with my friends about how school assigns too much work.

This way, nothing gets done twice as fast!

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Catch

APRIL FOOL’S

Before

By Jenny Deutsch, Danielle Markowitz and Sari Amiel

FEATURE

5J

Before

M A d n Senior Cole Miller explores the racks at Sears, examining a golf shirt that catches his eye.

After

e s s

Photos by Jenny Deutsch, Danielle Markowitz and Sari Amiel

Senior Soukie Dia experiments with bright pink lipstick and mascara that rolls down her cheeks. Lookin’ good!

After

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

APRIL FOOL’S

Horoscopes

By Daniel Markowitz

Capricorn (December 22-January 20) Your sad attempt at poetry actually brings you famebut it will all come crashing down around you when Snooki names you the godparent of her future orange baby.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces (February 18-March 20) When the FBI relentlessly questions you about the meaning of life and the existence of true love, just continue to talk about your cats.

We all know you’re just going to buy more next week.

Taurus

Your short-lived dream of being an astronaut will be crushed when you try jumping off your garage roof and gravity, once again, brings you down. You can’t defy gravity, it’s the law.

Gemini

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Pisces

Aries (March 20-April 20) You will be walking in a magical forest when you come across a skunk named Timmy. This skunk is actually your spirit guardian so do not insult it.

You can’t shake the feeling that, somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you all week.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Your excellent fight-orflight reflex turns out to be quite useful on that upcoming shopping trip to IKEA. FUNKY CURTAINS OR DIE.

Virgo (August 23-September 23)

Taurus (April 20- May 21)

Your family will finally decide to change from being potato farmers to hedgehog breeders. Don’t worry though; you were born for this job.

Cancer

Your inexplicable fear of chickens will come to life when a giant, rabid chicken emerges from Hamburger Hamlet and devours your entire third period class.

1. What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?

2. If Ireland sank into the sea, what county wouldn’t sink?

3. Where do toads leave their coats?

4. What runs but never walks?

5. Why did Simba’s father die?

6. What do you call a pig that does karate?

7. What washes up on tiny beaches?

8. What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

9. What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?

10. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

11. How much does a pirate pay for an ear of corn?

12. What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

13. What do sharks say when something radical happens?

14. Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?

15. What do calendars eat?

16. What kind of horses go out after dusk?

17. What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?

18. What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

19. What’s it called when you lend money to a bison?

20. What kind of flower is on your face?

21. What type of music do mummies listen to?

22. What do you call a fish with no eye?

23. What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

24. What do clouds wear under their shorts?

25. What do cats eat for breakfast?

You’ll find yourself being followed by little green aliens this week. Do not be alarmed when they call you “Daddy.” It’s their way of showing affection.

You will finally discover your purpose in life, and begin that long journey to Lego Land and the Santa Claus College of Santa Cruz, California.

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius (November 22-December 22) Leo

For some bizarre reason, Sagittarius you will get stuck in the space-time continuum and have to relive the 60s in a girls-only band.

Word Search: Joke Punchlines!

Word Search by Taliah Dommerholt

The punchlines to the following jokes can be found in the word search! For joke answers, go to www.wjpitch.com.

Virgo

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

Leo (July 22-August 23) Aries

That special someone you’ve been creeping on will finally notice you. Who could ignore someone wearing nothing but a toga made entirely of tacos?

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APRIL FOOL’S

SPORTS

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Soccer Glad to be Out of the Cross Country Runner Tests Positive for Steroids Limelight

By Phillip Resnick

By Phillip Resnick A recent poll by The Pitch shows that almost all of WJ has gone back to not caring about soccer anymore. After the boys team’s national ranking peaked at 13, many students became caught up in “fútbol fever,” attending the team’s games in vast numbers. A few excited fans even took the time to learn the rules of soccer.

However, a poll conducted by The Pitch showed that as of March 1, 64 percent of WJ students “don’t really care about that dumb sport anymore.” Another 15 percent said they forgot soccer

existed.

This swing in popularity hasn’t deterred boys coach Mike Williams, though.

“I liked the fans and all, but it’s good that they don’t really care about soccer anymore,” said Williams. “There was too much attention on us, which soccer players here in the United States aren’t used to.”

The team is probably playing some opponent in the future, but nobody really knows when it is or cares enough to look it up.

Scott Sheehan running...duh Photo courtesy of Meghan Geier

This tumble by Jeremy Ebobisse hurt a lot more than WJ Boys Soccer’s fall from stardom.

WJSD Recognized as Official Cult

In a ground-breaking piece of legislation, the U.S. House of Congress has passed a bill that recognizes the WJ Swim and Dive Team as an official cult in the United States. The team will join high profile cults such as The Church of the Golden Goose Egg located in Wasilla, AK, and will have the official status take effect just in time for next season starting Nov. 15.

“I guess you could say we’re exclusive,” said junior co-captain Barry Mangold. “Ever since winning the state championship we’ve been relocating to live among our own kind for the entire duration of the off-season.We have even continued to wear crazy and outlandish outfits.”

The team’s cohesion, facilitated by the daily lunches in Coach Jamie Grimes’ room, has paid off and the team is excited to continue keeping to themselves for the rest of eternity.

Some of the tenets of the newly appointed cult include every scrap of food eaten, living space inhabited and swimsuit worn to be commonly shared by the members of the swim team. With Grimes as the spiritual leader, the team faces no obstacle in attaining further connection.

“Every member of WJSD bows down to me and my teachings,” said Grimes.

Even though the team has found success in the pool, its new status as a cult is concerning for others, such as those

In other news.....

Hockey Fans Win Sportsmanship Award

By Daniel Thaler

By Hannah Flesch

Photo by Hannah Flesch

who are on the outside.

Senior diver Sarah Bernstein has been a member for all four years at WJ. As an incoming freshman, she loved to go out and socialize with friends. Now, as a senior, her parents are worried about her declining social and academic life.

“Sarah spends a lot of time with the team and has not been as focused on her school work,” said her mother, Nancy Bernstein. “Her once proud-5.0 weighted GPA has been lowered all the way to a measly 4.95. In addition, she hardly goes out with any other friends.

I’m really scared about the person she has become.”

The efforts of this organization have paid off. The team is beginning to prepare for future competitions by swimming ten times a day and limiting athletes from even going home from the pool at all. In addition to lunch, breakfast and dinner will also be eaten in Grimes’ room.

Photo by Steven Groobert

WJ senior Scott Sheehan has been stripped of his Cross Country State Title after testing positive for the steroid Gethugeglyceroyn. After winning the state cross country meet, Sheehan failed a urine test and was stripped of the title.

“I am ashamed of my actions,” said Sheehan in a press release. “I apologize to my teammates and coaches for using supplements to enhance my already supernatural running abilities.”

Sheehan became suspect after his weight jumped from 102 pounds at the end of last year’s spring season to 103.4 pounds by the end of the cross country season.

“You could just see him getting huge,” said cross country coach Tom Martin, who has no connection to Sheehan’s positive test.

Comparisons have been drawn between Sheehan and Barry Bonds, Shawne Merriman and Marion Jones, all athletes whose bodies ballooned after they started taking steroids. There has yet to be an announcement from the school on any internal punishments that may be imposed on Sheehan.

Recently, as expected, the WJ student section won the county award for the best display of sportsmanship at hockey games. With all positive cheers, kindness to fellow spectators, and respect for the Cabin John facility, WJ students were a lock to win this award.

“We are extremely proud to call ourselves the hosts of WJ hockey,” read a statement released by Cabin John ice rink. “These students make the games a truly family fun experience for everyone. We hope to continue to have them back for the foreseeable future.”

In the past, the staff at Cabin John would arrange for police to monitor games because of high school students’ reputation for getting rowdy but this year all that changed.

“We are in awe by the maturity of the students,” read Cabin John’s statement.

“We no longer needed to use precautions such as the police because of the orderliness of these tremendous kids.”

Students made sure to complete the game day experience with pre-game picnics. Before every game, the students hung out in the parking lot while drinking root beer and eating salad.

Once games were underway, students would sit down on the bleachers and begin to cheer on their team, though they were conscious of their surroundings and looked for ways to enhance the safety of the family atmosphere.

Plenty of students were found participating in serviceable acts. For example, senior Antonio Frazier brought a horn

to blow at spectators using inappropriate language.

“Every now and then somebody from another school would get out of line in terms of behavior, so I used my horn to remind them of the friendly confines in which we were attending,” said Frazier.

In addition to Frazier, many fellow Wildcat students generously stepped up. Junior Matthew Radack once saw a player high stick, almost poking another player in the eye. Before any injuries ensued, Radack courageously reached over the glass and grabbed the stick. Junior Jacob Rashid even helped players avoid tripping by using a laser pointer to highlight all the chunks in the ice.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing for these WJ students though. Minor hiccups occurred in the game against Churchill.

Some of the Churchill students forgot to wear shirts and became a disturbance when politely asked by WJ fans to cover up. The Churchill kids took offense to the request and proceeded to try to fight but quickly stopped when they realized all their hockey sticks were already being used.

Looking ahead to next year, WJ students will try to once again win the honors. According to county executives, the only other school with a chance is Bowie but they will need to get lucky.

WJ GIRLS VOLLEYBALL DOES COMMUNITY SERVICE BY READING TO THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED...GOLF FAN FINALLY SHOWS UP, REALIZES THERE ISN’T A MATCH...STUDENTS RIOT AFTER WJ INTRODUCES YET ANOTHER MASCOT... GIRLS BASKETBALL TO LOWER HOOPS TO EIGHT FEET, ALLOWING FOR MORE DUNKS AND MORE EXCITING GAMES

Deportes 8J

What’s Inside Why don’t you just look and find out yourselves you ding-a-lings!

APRIL FOOL’S

Looking [Not So] Great

WJ students not photogenic enough while playing sports

By Phillip Resnick

Athletic director Sue Amos recently sent out an e-mail to all coaches asking them to remind their athletes to look more photogenic while playing sports.

“Having success in athletics is always important here at WJ,” Amos stated in her e-mail, “but please reiterate to your student-athletes that they should try as hard as they can to look good while playing sports.” The e-mail came when a request for good sports photos by the WJ webmaster was answered with only a few

awkwardly-posed photos of student athletes signing letters of commitment and a picture of the new turf field.

“We are so proud of our student athletes performances, win or lose, and they carry themselves with such pride on and off the field,” said Amos. “But it would be nice if they tried to look a little better when they played their sport too.”

By Andrew Ship

By Adam Strochak

By Meghan Geier

By Adam Strochak

These photos exemplify what is wrong with WJ sports, according to Amos. Although all of these athletes are displaying valiant effort and exceptional talent, they fail to look good while participating in their sports. The offenses here include not smiling at the camera, putting themselves in awkward body positions and making less than attractive faces.

By Adam Strochak

By William Edgar

By Andrew Ship

By Meghan Geier

By William Edgar

By Meghan Geier