4 minute read
How to Kick the Self-Judging Habit
IES 2020 guest faculty Jan Carley explains how to shift from judgment to assessment
The theme that consistently pops up for the hard-on-themselves, high-achieving leaders I coach is the crippling negative effect that self-judgment has on their lives and performance. Self-judgment is a black and white statement of criticism that implies a labeling of our value or worth. Most often, our inner judge levels a negative judgment that can immediately undermine us or shut us down. Drive, purpose, and commitment to excellence are positive qualities. However, judging ourselves when we fall short of the high-standard or level of the bar we set is not. A judgment closes the door.
On the other hand, self-assessment is an objective process that doesn't support or categorize a good or bad point of view. It keeps the sense of our personal value separate from the evaluation of our functioning or actions. A self-assessment simply notices what "is" with the clear, calm lens of a scientist.
If we can turn limiting self-judgment into self-assessment, we will open possibilities and space for learning and growth. The five steps that follow can help you make the shift.
1. DEVELOP SELF-AWARENESS
Awareness is the first step to any kind of change. Take note of when your thoughts turn to unhelpful self-judgment and what situations or people trigger your inner judge.
2. STEP BACK AND OBSERVE
As you note your self-judge turning up the volume, adopt the cool calmness of an outside observer. The great Boston Philharmonic conductor Benjamin Zander advises his musician students to replace their judging thoughts with observation, smile, and then say, "How fascinating!"
3. THE SHIFT: JUDGE TO ASSESSOR
After becoming aware of your inner judge, shift your focus to a balanced assessment of the situation. From there, you can decide where you want to go and move forward toward the state or condition you want. We do not ignore what is, we simply take note of the facts and let go of any judgment around them. A neutral, factual self-assessment takes all of the negative charge out of the situation.
Experiment: Take a situation in your life where you feel some selfjudgment creep in: What does your self-judge say? Now, shift to a factual self-assessment: What is the neutral truth? Instead of a judgment of worth, make an evaluation or assessment of what is and then move to Step #4.
4. REFLECT AND ACT
When you have an opportunity to reflect, keep to objective assessment. Look but don't dwell. If you did mess up, ok! That is simply a fact. Acknowledge your screw-up but don't dwell on it. There is a difference between denial and transcendence.
Identify where you are now and where you want to be, and create benchmarks to move you to that place (think small incremental steps). Consider how you want to improve the next time; draw on your past experience of success, and move into the future from a place of strength and possibility. Focus on your progress over time vs. a finite moment. Put markers in place to measure improvement. Reflection Questions
Understanding and starting from where you are now, without judgment, consider:
What would I do differently next time? What could I build on for even better results? How could I improve? What is the next step to growth? How will I measure growth/progress?
5. ONGOING SELF-JUDGMENT BUSTERS
Now that you have learned how to shift from self-judgment to self-assessment, consider these proactive, ongoing ways to keep the self-judge at bay.
Adopt a Growth Mindset
Move from a "fixed" to a "growth” mindset, and show up as a learner. Approach life using a mantra of improving, not proving. Remind yourself that wherever you are right now is a starting point, and from there you can learn and grow. A learner's mind is open to feedback and direction, to growing their skills. Show up as a learner and feel the burden of having to be perfect fall away from you.
Practice Radical Self-Acceptance
Focus on the belief that you are exactly where you ought to be at this very moment (no matter how messy or incomplete). Renowned writer Brené Brown describes it as the journey from "What will people think?" to "I am enough." Take away the shoulds, the musts, the comparisons, and the focus on lack or scarcity. You are enough. That is your new self-acceptance paradigm.
Get Support and Celebrate
Enroll others close to you to help you make your personal paradigm shift. Ask them to reflect back to you when they notice you judging yourself or a situation. Celebrate each time you catch yourself and reframe your judgment. Even a small celebration or reward releases a shot of congratulatory dopamine, which reinforces the changed behavior.
Jan Carley, the Inner Coach of Barbershop, is the author of Harmony from the Inside Out and The Overtone Effect. She sings lead in Lions Gate Chorus and Fandango Quartet (#26) and will be guest faculty at Sweet Adelines International Education Symposium (IES) 2020.
your tenor your rhythm your listening ear your biggest fan your harmony
Life on a High Note.
your tenor.
your rhythm.
your listening ear.
your biggest fan. your harmony
Life on a High Note.
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