The Sandspur Volume 122 Issue 21

Wikipedia

Everything Real. Everything Rollins.

BURGLARS SCURRY OFF WITH VALUABLES

Thursday, March 31 | Volume 122, Issue 21

PARTY GIRL GETS “TOO TURNT”

Wikipedia

Rollins student finds herself turned into a mannequin Sianna Boschetti

L

APRIL FOOLS’ 2016 VOLUME 122 ISSUE 21

ROLLINS MAKES DANK MEME MAJOR, BREAKS INTERNET!

SAVAGE GNATS INVADE ROLLINS CAMPUS

Student with unnaturally small esophagus attacked by insects

Scott Cook (Cornwell photo) Micah Bradley (campus photo) Sianna Boschetti (meme creator)

Wikipedia.org

Page NEWS Page #2 •• SECTION OPINIONS

Thursday, September 11, 2014 Thursday, March 31, 2016

Established in 1894 with the following editorial:

EXECUTIVE STAFF Micah Bradley Editor-in-Chief Lauren Waymire Managing Editor Stephanie Garcia Production Manager

What’s your grammar pet peeve?

One writer discusses the importance of grammar as revealed by her recent survey of the Rollins student community.

CONTENT STAFF Amanda Hughes Head Copy Editor Esteban Meneses Barbara Padilla Copy Editors

Minoska Hernandez Raquel Leon Section Editors Christina Fuleihan Sianna Boschetti Staff Writers Eric Hilton News Intern Nolan Brewer Kalli Joslin Web Assistants

DESIGN DEPARTMENT Shaayann Khalid Head Designer

Caroline Arrigoni Zoe Kim Kayla Powers Designers Natalie Hayes Photographer

BUSINESS & FACULTY

Greg Golden General Manager of Student Media

Yolanda Williams

Writer

Many people have been sporting graphic tees—not just with the usual sports or college logos, but with bold, witty statements printed across the chest.

Here are a few interesting ones I have seen lately: “My unicorn ate my homework”; “Take me anywhere but here”; “Haute Mess.”

While recently scrolling through an online catalog, one particular tee caught my attention. Against its black background were these words printed in bold white lettering: “I’m Secretly Correcting Your Grammar.” The obvious wearers might be English majors, those whose peers regard them as gatekeepers of English grammar.

Drawn to this sentiment, I car- other fifteen claimed that certain ried out a survey on campus to grammar errors in posts got in find out whether the way of unnon-English maderstanding parjors would wear ticular posts. such a shirt, The top pet The top pet and, if so, what peeves were atthey considered tributed to erpeeves were their top three rors of punctuattributed grammatical pet ation, especially peeves? when sentences to errors of The survey ran into each punctuation, sought to find other with no out if students in sight. especially when period secretly judge Next in line were sentences ran t y p o g r a p h i c a l their peers’ grammar as they One stuinto each other. errors. engage in weekdent noted that ly student disit is unwise to cussion boards. rely on computFive out of the twenty students er spellcheckers. She’s right! The who participated declared their following example proves her indifference to the topic. The point: “Taxes became a state on

“

David Neitzel Business Manager Eva Weingarten Ashley Cruces Business Assistants Taylor McCormack Managing Director of Video Julian Sullins Lilly El-hamouly Delivery Assistants

PUBLIC RELATIONS Anneliese Duprey Social Media Manager

ADVERTISING

Contact: advertising@thesandspur.

Accepts R-Cards!

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December 29, 1845.” Spotting the difference between “Taxes” and “Texas,” especially at the beginning of a sentence, is a task best done by the human eye.

Some of the respondents cited traditional errors of English grammar. A few mentioned errors of subject and verb agreement. One student noted the shift in verb tense as her top petpeeve: I walked into Chipotle and discover my friends.

Keeping the two verbs in past tense may be an important indicator of time: I walked into Chipotle and discovered my friends.

If the writer wants to make the sentence more accessible, present tense may read better: I walk into Chipotle and discover my friend.

One student said she dislikes when colloquial expressions get in the way—that is, when people’s writing models the way they speak. She specified that she was not fond of reading student posts in which the word “like” is frequently inserted.

The general responses indicate that poor grammar choices distract from meaning, while attention to detail adds to overall clarity of expression.

Obvious errors exist because some students post their first drafts without editing. The “Editing Essentials” course this semester covers Theodore Cheney’s Getting the Words Right: 39 Ways to Improve Your Writing, in which the author gives essential advice for all writers. “A first draft almost always suffers from tangles. The reader will get lost in the tangle of words and won’t see the beauty of the forest if you don’t get in with the brush hook and machete,” Cheney writes.

The “brush hook and machete” are editing tools.

Sometimes all it takes is a second reading or different pair of eyes. Just remember that after your work is published online, there may be a fellow student who is secretly correcting your grammar.

The opinions on this page do not necessarily reflect those of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Page 3 • OPINIONS

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Greek Week: Is it worth it?

Photos by Julia Porcher

Greek Week, a fun and competitive event for sororities and fraternities, leaves some students stressed because of strictly mandatory events.

Sianna Boschetti

Staff Writer

During Greek Week, all of my classes were cancelled and all my shifts at work were covered so that I could attend every event without stressing.

That is not true, nor can it ever be true for any intensive, weeklong event at which my absence would be noted.

Yet, Greek Week exists.

Greek Week is a yearly celebration in which fraternities and sororities are paired together to compete in multiple mandato-

ry events, like tug-of-war and dodgeball. The Rollins website describes this annual event as a time for “celebrating our values of brotherhood/sisterhood, philanthropy, and learning.”

Students are strongly encouraged to participate as much as possible, and if they are not in class but also not actively competing in a Greek Week event, their attendance is still required.

Students have to submit their class schedules in order to be excused from an event. Having a conflicting class is the only acceptable excuse.

Work, including workstudy, non-Greek organization meetings, and required school-related events outside of the recorded class schedule are not considered valid reasons for missing an event. But deducting points from an organization whose members are involved in other groups on campus or who hold jobs—possibly to help pay for tuition or the dues of their organization—does little to rally Greek spirit.

Should some unfortunate soul skip an event in favor of going to work or going to a tutor-

ing appointment, the penalty is a deduction of points for their fraternity or sorority, which seems like a minor detail in what could otherwise be a casual event. That detail, however, is what took the potential for fun in Greek Week and turned it into a crazed, competitive mess among the organizations.

For individual brothers and sisters, events designed to be enjoyable instantly became a reason to worry about all the homework not being done as they stood in the Florida heat or drowned in the cheers of dozens of strangers.

The opinions on this page do not necessarily reflect those of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

There is a wonderful sentiment somewhere at the core of Greek Week, which I can only assume is “love not only your own sisters or brothers, but also those in other sororities and fraternities”—and that is awesome. We do need to be brought together every once in a while.

But in a school like Rollins, where everyone is encouraged to find their anchor (or, preferably, anchors) however and wherever they can, Greek Week is an unrealistic way for involved students to celebrate the values of Greek life on campus.

Page Page #2 NEWS 4 •• SECTION ON FLEEK-TURES

Thursday, September 11, 2014 Thursday, March 31, 2016

Page 5 • ON FLEEK-TURES

Party girl gets “too turnt,” turns into mannequin

Ward burglars scurry off with precious valuables Christina Fuleihan

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

ROLLINS MAKES DANK MEME MAJOR

BREAKS INTERNET

Micah Bradley

Sovereign Leader Following Rollins’ recent decision to offer several career-oriented majors, such as one focused on meme culture, students and professors alike are terrified whether students will actually able to find jobs after graduation.

“I just don’t know what I will do, like, without the liberal arts. It will be so difficult for me to follow any career path that I, like, actually want,” said Jazzy Snails ‘16, a current senior who wanted to make sure it was emphasized that she was “very concerned for future generations of students.”

“This is just a disgrace to the name of Rollins College. I can’t believe our new president would let this happen,” said Dr. Minus Maths, a professor of business. “Students need a well-rounded education—that’s why they come to Rollins in the first place!”

After much fighting in the faculty meetings, Rollins has decided to offer the following majors starting in fall of 2018 in addition to Dank Memes: Phar-

maceutical Science, Radiology, Air Conditioning Repair, Nursing, Yoga Instruction, Professional Vine Production, Mom’s Spaghetti, and Babysitting. The school will also be expanding their existing “Create Your Own Major” program, and prospective freshman Pepe Yee has reportedly already declared he will be creating an Alien Tracking major. “Someone’s gotta do it,” said Yee, who is considering a minor in meme studies.

Despite the uproar from many faculty, staff, and students who do not want to see the liberal arts education fall by the wayside, some are extremely enthusiastic about the change.

“This is really great for me.

I didn’t want to come to Rollins, but it’s the only place that accepted me. And now I’ll be able to get a career without any of that liberal crap. Now, I can take just good ole-fashioned conservative classes and learn more about why Donald Trump will make America great again,” said John Smith ‘20 (it is possible that he misunderstood the question, potentially because the bright pastel-green of his Vineyard

Vines shirt was blocking his other senses from functioning).

Some students agree with the changes for more logical reasons, like the fact that the degrees will take less time to complete, and that they will offer a quicker avenue into the professional world.

“I’m so excited for this change. Now I don’t have to learn about history, or critical thinking, or global citizenship,” said Catherine Largebusiness ‘18. She quickly added, “All of the Gen Eds are such a waste of time. Now I’ll be better prepared to take on the career that I’ve always wanted: cosmetology.”

“Memes are life. Memes are love. If Rollins adds a meme major, I’ll come get an additional undergraduate degree, and then I’ll get my master’s and doctorate as well,” said Andrew Fridge ‘16.

“Really, our end goal for these majors is to bring in enough funds to purchase Lake Virginia so that we can start offering mermaid training and lifeguarding majors as well,” said one school official. “More majors. More people. More money. More memes.

“What’s not to love?”

The reign of terror recently unleashed on Ward Hall in the forms of vandalism, burglary, and vomit has finally ended.

From puke-filled bathrooms to stolen iPads, residents have suffered a wave of difficulties but managed to endure.

Ward Hall has been violated in numerous ways, from lost wallets and missing watches to mismatched socks, single highheels, and broken umbrellas strewn across the first-floor hallways. No student has been safe from the malicious masterminds responsible.

Residents can now breathe a sigh of relief and take down the Wanted Dead or Alive posters littered around campus. It is with much pride that campus security has captured the culprits: the Felonious Brothers.

These criminals are not only fierce, feisty, and underhanded; they are also devious in the worst ways imaginable. Trained from birth to perfect the act of crime, residents of Ward Hall stood no chance against these three brothers.

Upon capture, one of the triplets, Dominic Felonious, had only this to say: “We may be tiny, but we are mighty!”

And just how little the vandals are might surprise you, considering the extent of the trouble they created.

Tragically abandoned at birth on the steps of Knowles Chapel, the three squirrel siblings were raised for years in the confines beneath Ward Hall, kept secret by a sympathetic Rollins horticulturist.

Although some have found the fuzzy bandits amusing, this journalist believes nothing is funny about the situation at all.

Rollins students push to kill the current newspaper title Christina Fuleihan

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

First drafted by two starry-eyed freshmen, the recent petition to rename The Sandspur is in full swing. Much to our editor-in-chief’s chagrin, the students at Rollins College seem never to have heard of the motto “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

In all honesty, some of our newer readers have complained of extreme discomfort upon first hearing the name.

“The Sandspur? That’s the name of the school newspaper?”

Joseph Jworsik ‘16 said. “You mean like that thing that... like... gets caught on your sock when you walk outside? I really hate those things.”

Controversy over the new name continues to grow. Administration seems to be in favor some of the more sophisticated options, among them the classic, What in ‘TarNation. Even this is a better option than some of the other, more “original” titles: The

Skipper, Magic Eight, and The SandBar—and, yes, that is “Bar” with a capital B. To some of the older faculty, these suggestions are reminiscent of sleazy local pubs with questionable reputations.

The title Newspaper has also amassed a decent following, followed closely by the simpler and, I must say, bolder Paper.

Slandspur is also a potential option and has been adopted by the school newspaper previously in special satirical issues.

One question remains: does the title of our school newspaper need replacing?

No one has ever once considered renaming the Deceleration of Independence, so why consider changing The Sandspur, a title that goes back 120 years?

At the current climate, however, we may all be writing for a less-established version of The Sandspur. It seems that at this point, we can only hope that someone comes up with a better name than Newspaper.

April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Sianna Boschetti

O’Spooky is the founder of

Staff Meme Lord the Rollins Moon Club, an or-

Once upon a time, Dogwitch O’Spooky was just your average girl, gossiping with friends and hanging out on her dorm’s balcony. Unfortunately, after one “too-turnt” night out with her friends, O’Spooky found herself feeling faker than usual.

Little did she know, excessive drinking and vibrations from the club’s subwoofer were permenantly changing the molecular makeup of her body.

From skin and bones to plastic and polymers, O’Spooky is now forced to live her day-to-day life as a human mannequin. An anthropology major, this doll is making waves on Rollins’ campus.

Goodbye, slow walkers Eric Hilton Newsie After a stream of complaints about the pace of students on campus, Rollins has decided to create a separate walkway for fast walkers called the “Speedlane.”

The brand-new walkway will be built this summer. It will be accessible only to students and faculty who are able to walk faster than 5 miles per hour.

This innovative invention will be paved adjacent to the current sidewalks around campus. President Grant Cornwell pushed the idea through the board after he was forced to spend 25 minutes walking behind students who were headed to the campus center.

“I mean, it’s just [redacted] ridiculous,” said an anonymous college dean. “I have an incredible amount of responsibilities as Rollins president and I can’t afford to spend half an hour walking behind a group of girls talking about the latest episode of The Bachelor. I know our mascot is the Tar, but that doesn’t mean you have to move at tar’s pace.”

The new sidewalks will be able to support multiple walkers and lined with intermediate hydration stations. Speed will be strictly regulated by campus security officers, and students and faculty not maintaining the required speed will be escorted off the Speedlane and fined.

Sudents are also prohibited from walking in groups, shoulder-to-shoulder and blocking off the Speedlane.

The campus community is excited for the upcoming speenwalker lanes.

“I run into at least seven packs of slow walkers a day,” said an anonymous Rollins student. “It’s ridiculous. These people just spread out over the whole sidewalk and make themselves an impassible wall. Might as well be following Gandalf.”

Although budgeting for the Speedlane was not made available, the anonymous president assured that the college’s money would be well spent.

“Sure, we might not be able to give out as many scholarships or as much financial aid next semester,” he beamed, “but at least I’ll be able to walk across campus in less than two hours.”

ganization devoted to performing monthly moon ceremonies.

“Our goal as an organization is to please the moon,” said O’Spooky. “Sometimes the moon brings bad juju. It’s important to only perform rituals under the supervision of a professional, such as myself,” O’Spooky warned. “I can’t say much more about our club. Our constitution mandates complete and total secrecy.”

Originally from the pits of Hell, O’Spooky now works as a waitress at Waffle House.

“It’s not much, but it certainly pays the bills,” she said. “Plus, it works with my schedule. I tend to lean towards the nocturnal lifestyle.”

Dogwitch O’Spooky is currently at the head of her class. She attributes her academic success to the lake gods. “I’ve worked with the lake gods for centuries.

After sacrificing my first born to them, good fortune has fallen upon my household,” she said.

She was recently awarded a Fulbright to Transylvania to study vampirism and “goffix stuff xD.” In her spare time, O’Spooky says that she enjoys bloodletting, reading romance novels, and swiping through Tinder.

“Tinder is always an adventure. I’m just looking for something real,” she said. “There’s always guys who are trying to understand the real me, but they really don’t realize that I have a hard exterior and am hollow on the inside.”

Savage gnats invade Rollins campus Sianna Boschetti Staff Meme Lord The thousands of tiny gnats on campus have claimed their first victim: Lori Janelle ’17.

Janelle was walking with a friend on Monday afternoon when they crossed the sidewalk by the tennis courts, where a swarm of gnats had been waiting menacingly.

Janelle has struggled with an abnormally small esophagus for her entire life, but it had never been a true problem until she met the swarm. As she choked to death on a gnat, she sputtered out her last words: “Oh god, the smolness of them all. They are so teensy.”

In the wake of her death, friends and family are demanding the campus-wide installation of a pesticide irrigation system.

If instituted, small sprinklers would spray a gentle mist of Round-Up at noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to kill off the monsters at the height of their activity levels.

Pro-pesticide activists are demanding the system be installed and fully functional by April 20.

“These swarms of bugs are ment announced yesterday. disgusting,” protestor Anna Kin The genetically-modified ’18 said. “I’m not paying some gnats are believed to be the result ridiculous sum of money per of an experiment gone wrong. year just to walk through these Kayla Katchadorian, ’17, a BIO masses of gross—and now killer 110 student, has been tied to the —gnats.” mutant gnats.

A f t e r “Yeah, I having taken mutated the their first ofgnats,” confessed ficial victim, Yeah, I mutated K a t c h a d o r i a n . the dominant What are the gnats...Why? “Why? species found you going to do on campus is about it? Record What are you now mutatme saying this going to do ing into a far and put it in some stronger and about it? Record renegade newsdeadlier class paper article? me saying this Wait, what are of creature, the Florida you doing?” and put it in Department D u r i n g of Wildlife resome renegade q u e s t i o n i n g , ports.

Katchadorian arnewspaper Profesgued that the missors in the bihap illustrates the article? Wait, ology departdisadvantages of what are you ment have giving too many traced the science Gen Ed doing? source of the requirements to mutations to humanities maa variation in jors. a single gene; the rate at which She adds, “This is why the gnats are evolving can only Breaking Bad happened.” be explained by deliberate alterStudents are advised to be ations to their DNA, the depart- vigilant.

“

April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Page Page #2 NEWS 4 •• SECTION ON FLEEK-TURES

Thursday, September 11, 2014 Thursday, March 31, 2016

Page 5 • ON FLEEK-TURES

Party girl gets “too turnt,” turns into mannequin

Ward burglars scurry off with precious valuables Christina Fuleihan

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

ROLLINS MAKES DANK MEME MAJOR

BREAKS INTERNET

Micah Bradley

Sovereign Leader Following Rollins’ recent decision to offer several career-oriented majors, such as one focused on meme culture, students and professors alike are terrified whether students will actually able to find jobs after graduation.

“I just don’t know what I will do, like, without the liberal arts. It will be so difficult for me to follow any career path that I, like, actually want,” said Jazzy Snails ‘16, a current senior who wanted to make sure it was emphasized that she was “very concerned for future generations of students.”

“This is just a disgrace to the name of Rollins College. I can’t believe our new president would let this happen,” said Dr. Minus Maths, a professor of business. “Students need a well-rounded education—that’s why they come to Rollins in the first place!”

After much fighting in the faculty meetings, Rollins has decided to offer the following majors starting in fall of 2018 in addition to Dank Memes: Phar-

maceutical Science, Radiology, Air Conditioning Repair, Nursing, Yoga Instruction, Professional Vine Production, Mom’s Spaghetti, and Babysitting. The school will also be expanding their existing “Create Your Own Major” program, and prospective freshman Pepe Yee has reportedly already declared he will be creating an Alien Tracking major. “Someone’s gotta do it,” said Yee, who is considering a minor in meme studies.

Despite the uproar from many faculty, staff, and students who do not want to see the liberal arts education fall by the wayside, some are extremely enthusiastic about the change.

“This is really great for me.

I didn’t want to come to Rollins, but it’s the only place that accepted me. And now I’ll be able to get a career without any of that liberal crap. Now, I can take just good ole-fashioned conservative classes and learn more about why Donald Trump will make America great again,” said John Smith ‘20 (it is possible that he misunderstood the question, potentially because the bright pastel-green of his Vineyard

Vines shirt was blocking his other senses from functioning).

Some students agree with the changes for more logical reasons, like the fact that the degrees will take less time to complete, and that they will offer a quicker avenue into the professional world.

“I’m so excited for this change. Now I don’t have to learn about history, or critical thinking, or global citizenship,” said Catherine Largebusiness ‘18. She quickly added, “All of the Gen Eds are such a waste of time. Now I’ll be better prepared to take on the career that I’ve always wanted: cosmetology.”

“Memes are life. Memes are love. If Rollins adds a meme major, I’ll come get an additional undergraduate degree, and then I’ll get my master’s and doctorate as well,” said Andrew Fridge ‘16.

“Really, our end goal for these majors is to bring in enough funds to purchase Lake Virginia so that we can start offering mermaid training and lifeguarding majors as well,” said one school official. “More majors. More people. More money. More memes.

“What’s not to love?”

The reign of terror recently unleashed on Ward Hall in the forms of vandalism, burglary, and vomit has finally ended.

From puke-filled bathrooms to stolen iPads, residents have suffered a wave of difficulties but managed to endure.

Ward Hall has been violated in numerous ways, from lost wallets and missing watches to mismatched socks, single highheels, and broken umbrellas strewn across the first-floor hallways. No student has been safe from the malicious masterminds responsible.

Residents can now breathe a sigh of relief and take down the Wanted Dead or Alive posters littered around campus. It is with much pride that campus security has captured the culprits: the Felonious Brothers.

These criminals are not only fierce, feisty, and underhanded; they are also devious in the worst ways imaginable. Trained from birth to perfect the act of crime, residents of Ward Hall stood no chance against these three brothers.

Upon capture, one of the triplets, Dominic Felonious, had only this to say: “We may be tiny, but we are mighty!”

And just how little the vandals are might surprise you, considering the extent of the trouble they created.

Tragically abandoned at birth on the steps of Knowles Chapel, the three squirrel siblings were raised for years in the confines beneath Ward Hall, kept secret by a sympathetic Rollins horticulturist.

Although some have found the fuzzy bandits amusing, this journalist believes nothing is funny about the situation at all.

Rollins students push to kill the current newspaper title Christina Fuleihan

She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

First drafted by two starry-eyed freshmen, the recent petition to rename The Sandspur is in full swing. Much to our editor-in-chief’s chagrin, the students at Rollins College seem never to have heard of the motto “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

In all honesty, some of our newer readers have complained of extreme discomfort upon first hearing the name.

“The Sandspur? That’s the name of the school newspaper?”

Joseph Jworsik ‘16 said. “You mean like that thing that... like... gets caught on your sock when you walk outside? I really hate those things.”

Controversy over the new name continues to grow. Administration seems to be in favor some of the more sophisticated options, among them the classic, What in ‘TarNation. Even this is a better option than some of the other, more “original” titles: The

Skipper, Magic Eight, and The SandBar—and, yes, that is “Bar” with a capital B. To some of the older faculty, these suggestions are reminiscent of sleazy local pubs with questionable reputations.

The title Newspaper has also amassed a decent following, followed closely by the simpler and, I must say, bolder Paper.

Slandspur is also a potential option and has been adopted by the school newspaper previously in special satirical issues.

One question remains: does the title of our school newspaper need replacing?

No one has ever once considered renaming the Deceleration of Independence, so why consider changing The Sandspur, a title that goes back 120 years?

At the current climate, however, we may all be writing for a less-established version of The Sandspur. It seems that at this point, we can only hope that someone comes up with a better name than Newspaper.

April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Sianna Boschetti

O’Spooky is the founder of

Staff Meme Lord the Rollins Moon Club, an or-

Once upon a time, Dogwitch O’Spooky was just your average girl, gossiping with friends and hanging out on her dorm’s balcony. Unfortunately, after one “too-turnt” night out with her friends, O’Spooky found herself feeling faker than usual.

Little did she know, excessive drinking and vibrations from the club’s subwoofer were permenantly changing the molecular makeup of her body.

From skin and bones to plastic and polymers, O’Spooky is now forced to live her day-to-day life as a human mannequin. An anthropology major, this doll is making waves on Rollins’ campus.

Goodbye, slow walkers Eric Hilton Newsie After a stream of complaints about the pace of students on campus, Rollins has decided to create a separate walkway for fast walkers called the “Speedlane.”

The brand-new walkway will be built this summer. It will be accessible only to students and faculty who are able to walk faster than 5 miles per hour.

This innovative invention will be paved adjacent to the current sidewalks around campus. President Grant Cornwell pushed the idea through the board after he was forced to spend 25 minutes walking behind students who were headed to the campus center.

“I mean, it’s just [redacted] ridiculous,” said an anonymous college dean. “I have an incredible amount of responsibilities as Rollins president and I can’t afford to spend half an hour walking behind a group of girls talking about the latest episode of The Bachelor. I know our mascot is the Tar, but that doesn’t mean you have to move at tar’s pace.”

The new sidewalks will be able to support multiple walkers and lined with intermediate hydration stations. Speed will be strictly regulated by campus security officers, and students and faculty not maintaining the required speed will be escorted off the Speedlane and fined.

Sudents are also prohibited from walking in groups, shoulder-to-shoulder and blocking off the Speedlane.

The campus community is excited for the upcoming speenwalker lanes.

“I run into at least seven packs of slow walkers a day,” said an anonymous Rollins student. “It’s ridiculous. These people just spread out over the whole sidewalk and make themselves an impassible wall. Might as well be following Gandalf.”

Although budgeting for the Speedlane was not made available, the anonymous president assured that the college’s money would be well spent.

“Sure, we might not be able to give out as many scholarships or as much financial aid next semester,” he beamed, “but at least I’ll be able to walk across campus in less than two hours.”

ganization devoted to performing monthly moon ceremonies.

“Our goal as an organization is to please the moon,” said O’Spooky. “Sometimes the moon brings bad juju. It’s important to only perform rituals under the supervision of a professional, such as myself,” O’Spooky warned. “I can’t say much more about our club. Our constitution mandates complete and total secrecy.”

Originally from the pits of Hell, O’Spooky now works as a waitress at Waffle House.

“It’s not much, but it certainly pays the bills,” she said. “Plus, it works with my schedule. I tend to lean towards the nocturnal lifestyle.”

Dogwitch O’Spooky is currently at the head of her class. She attributes her academic success to the lake gods. “I’ve worked with the lake gods for centuries.

After sacrificing my first born to them, good fortune has fallen upon my household,” she said.

She was recently awarded a Fulbright to Transylvania to study vampirism and “goffix stuff xD.” In her spare time, O’Spooky says that she enjoys bloodletting, reading romance novels, and swiping through Tinder.

“Tinder is always an adventure. I’m just looking for something real,” she said. “There’s always guys who are trying to understand the real me, but they really don’t realize that I have a hard exterior and am hollow on the inside.”

Savage gnats invade Rollins campus Sianna Boschetti Staff Meme Lord The thousands of tiny gnats on campus have claimed their first victim: Lori Janelle ’17.

Janelle was walking with a friend on Monday afternoon when they crossed the sidewalk by the tennis courts, where a swarm of gnats had been waiting menacingly.

Janelle has struggled with an abnormally small esophagus for her entire life, but it had never been a true problem until she met the swarm. As she choked to death on a gnat, she sputtered out her last words: “Oh god, the smolness of them all. They are so teensy.”

In the wake of her death, friends and family are demanding the campus-wide installation of a pesticide irrigation system.

If instituted, small sprinklers would spray a gentle mist of Round-Up at noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to kill off the monsters at the height of their activity levels.

Pro-pesticide activists are demanding the system be installed and fully functional by April 20.

“These swarms of bugs are ment announced yesterday. disgusting,” protestor Anna Kin The genetically-modified ’18 said. “I’m not paying some gnats are believed to be the result ridiculous sum of money per of an experiment gone wrong. year just to walk through these Kayla Katchadorian, ’17, a BIO masses of gross—and now killer 110 student, has been tied to the —gnats.” mutant gnats.

A f t e r “Yeah, I having taken mutated the their first ofgnats,” confessed ficial victim, Yeah, I mutated K a t c h a d o r i a n . the dominant What are the gnats...Why? “Why? species found you going to do on campus is about it? Record What are you now mutatme saying this going to do ing into a far and put it in some stronger and about it? Record renegade newsdeadlier class paper article? me saying this Wait, what are of creature, the Florida you doing?” and put it in Department D u r i n g of Wildlife resome renegade q u e s t i o n i n g , ports.

Katchadorian arnewspaper Profesgued that the missors in the bihap illustrates the article? Wait, ology departdisadvantages of what are you ment have giving too many traced the science Gen Ed doing? source of the requirements to mutations to humanities maa variation in jors. a single gene; the rate at which She adds, “This is why the gnats are evolving can only Breaking Bad happened.” be explained by deliberate alterStudents are advised to be ations to their DNA, the depart- vigilant.

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April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.

Page 6 • FEATURES

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Shedding light on the Iranian Nuclear Crisis Dr. Houman Sadri, Professor of International Relations at UC, gave a talk about the history and current events surrounding the crisis in Iran.

Cameron Osche

Writer

Dr. Houman Sadri, a professor of International Relations at UCF, spoke at Rollins this past week to educate students about the Iranian Nuclear Crisis. While many who attended the event were already fairly educated on the topic, Dr. Sadri gave a more in-depth background regarding the history of Iran and U.S. relations with the country.

To begin illustrating the conflict’s complexities, Dr. Sadri went into detail about the Iranian revolution of 1979 and the type of government Iran held beforehand. While today the state

is officially known as the Islamic Pahlavi and his father were very Republic of Iran, it was a monar- pro-Western, closer relations chy up until with the U.S. 1979 when influenced the the Shah, or state’s nuclear king, was program. overthrown The U.S. The U.S. had supby proteshad been supplied technology and plying technoltors.

The his- gave permission for a ogy and gave tory of Iran’s permission nuclear program to government for a nuclear must be program to begin in Iran in the taken into begin in Iran 1950s. considerin the 1950s. ation, due to The signing the Shah’s of the Nuclear pro-Western Non-Proliferamindset with which so many tion Treaty, which was meant to Iranians disagreed. Since Shah stop the spread of nuclear tech-

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nology, later put an end to the program.

Since the overthrow of Shah Pahlavi, Iran has consistently quarreled with Western states.

The nation has also since attempted to restart their nuclear program. Terrorist threats and questionable comments made from their political leaders have made the U.S. fearful, placing severe economic sanctions on Iran.

Recently, Iran’s government stated that its nuclear program is solely for peaceful purposes such as research and energy. Although Iran reported this change in mindset, the U.S. has remained skeptical.

Dr. Sadri proved to be a

great speaker that night. Anyone could have gone in without prior knowledge of the Iranian Nuclear Crisis and would have been able to follow and understand Dr. Sadri’s lesson. Although he did not get to finish his presentation due to time, he was able to answer questions at the end of the talk, proving his depth of knowledge on Middle East economics and politics.

The talk proved to be informational and Dr. Sadri managed to keep the audience’s attention as well. If he comes back to Rollins in the future, those interested in learning more about Middle Eastern politics should consider attending a lecture.

Middle Eastern Cultural and Cuisine Association’s Arabian nights The Middle Eastern Culture and Cuisine Association (MECCA) hosted Arabian Nights on March 23. The evening was a great success where people enjoyed Middle Eastern food, belly dancing, and henna tattoos.

Cameron Osche

the table in the back of the room.

Every student and faculty Writer member in attendance went back The Middle Eastern Culture for thirds or fourths, all willand Cuisine Association, other- power to maintain diets defeatwise known as MECCA, hosted ed by the delicious dishes, while the Arabian Nights event last Arabian music played loudly in We d n e s d a y , the background March 23 in the throughout the Galloway Room. entire evening.

With the promAround 8 ise of free food, p.m., several belIt proved to be a ly dancers came henna tattoos, and belly danc- fun night to belly out to entertain ers, students had the crowd. dance, get free incredible incenThe first pair tives to attend. swung food, and partic- pink around The turnscarves out proved to ipate in a culture that added a be great for the feeling that may or may majestic organization. to their stellar Nearly every taperformance. not have been ble was filled by Another womyour own. the time the evean was able to ning got started. balance a sword Miniature on her stomach dishes were and head while served as components of the dancing, maintaining both balcomplimentary meal. Hummus, ance and a perfect form. There chicken, falafel, and baklava lined was also a dancer who was able

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to move so precisely it seemed as though she should have broken her neck; of course, her talent proved true, and she finished the performance flawlessly. In truth, every dancer proved to be gifted, though there were too many to review each of them individually.

After five groups of belly dancers had finished performing, the music was turned up and they began to move to the middle of the room, inviting diners to come and join them. Even novices were able to learn a few belly dancing moves. Everyone was incorporated into the incredible show.

Henna tattoos commenced after the dancing and were offered throughout the rest of the event, while Arabian art and photography were positioned outside of the Galloway Room for passersby to observe. Although there was no speaking at the event, it proved to be a fun night to belly dance, get free food, and participate in a culture that may or may not have been your own.

Photo courtesy of Rollins College Middle Eastern Culture & Cuisine Assoicaiton

Page 7 • ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Acclaimed artist visits Rollins Hank Willis Thomas stopped by as part of the Thomas P. Johnson Distinguished Visiting Artist Fund. He addressed a crowd and discussed his work, which is currently on display at the Cornell Fine Arts Museum.

Eric Hilton

perspectives and how that contributes to his work, including a News Intern photography series of individuals This past Wednesday, artist holding picture frames around Hank Willis Thomas visited Rol- parts of their environment in orlins College to discuss some of der to capture their unique perhis work currently on display at spectives. the Cornell Fine Arts Museum.

Thomas also has a deep inThe event was held in Bush Au- terest in advertising and touched ditorium and was sponsored by upon how the depiction of black the Thomas P. people has Johnson Distinchanged drasguished Visiting tically over the Artist Fund. past several The event centuries. In his Race is the most was well-atseries Unbrandtended. A brief successful adver- ed Reflections, introduction at he removed the the beginning tising campaign of brands from gave Thomas’s hundreds of all time. biographical advertisements information— spanning cenhe received his turies in AmeriBachelor of Fine can history. The Arts from New York University advertisements do an amazing and his Master of Fine Arts from job of capturing the culture of California College of the Arts. He the time, oftentimes depicting has participated in 44 solo exhi- black people through incredibly bitions and had his work on dis- harsh or unflattering stereotypes. play at various museums across Thomas appreciates advertisethe world. ments because he is interested in Thomas then took the stage exploring what happens when to discuss his work, much of history and culture collide with which is based in photography corporate representation. or sculpture. He talked in-depth “Race is the most successabout his interest in individual ful advertising campaign of all

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time,” he said.

Another series that Thomas discussed was Question Bridge.

Question Bridge seeks to “facilitate a dialogue between a critical mass of black men from diverse and contending backgrounds and create a platform for them to represent and redefine black male identity in America.”

A series of questions about black identity was put forth by black men ranging in age and background; they were then answered by different black men.

The result is a powerful series that sheds lights on a variety of perspectives within the American black male community.

The final series shown was his most recent installation piece entitled In Search of the Truth. A “Truth Booth” was placed in several different countries across the globe posing the same question: “The truth is…?” Participants were given two minutes to answer, and the result is an intimate discussion that spans across profound and poignant topics.

Thomas’s art is currently on display at the Cornell Fine Arts Museum on campus, and the videos from his collections Question Bridge and In Search of the Truth are available online.

Quick Artist Facts: Thomas’ work is in numerous public collections including The Alfond Collection of Contemporary Art, CFAM, The MOMA & The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum.

Thomas’ monograph, Pitch Blackness, was published

by Aperture.

His pieces can be found in exhibits in the U.S. and abroad, including the International Center of Photography.

Free games may or may not help reduce stress Steam games are popular among Rollins students due to their addicting nature and ability to help students unwind after a long day at work or school.

Sianna Boschetti

Staff Writer

Video games are my favorite way to unwind after a day of classes and a night of homework.

Specifically, I play free online games, because like many college students, I am broke. Not only am I broke, I am lazy. Free-to-play Steam games allow me to ignore my research papers and blow off some steam (pun always intended) without having to get off the couch or dig into my wallet.

One game I’ve recently fallen prey to is Emily Is Away, a textbased game revolving around the concept of regret that forces the player into awkward, sad conversations with an almost-lover from

high school.

Taylor Gross ’19 has been trying to beat the game since she was first introduced to it earlier this year.

“The game frustrates me so much,” she said. “I really want to keep playing it to beat it. It’s interesting in that you think everything is going well, and then all of a sudden it’s not,” she said.

She added, “So yes, I like it a lot.”

As you advance through the story-driven game, you are slowly drawn into the emotional wreck that is the protagonist’s love life. Just when you care the most, the game rips out your heart, and yet you end up playing it again and again.

Me, bitter? Maybe just a little.

If becoming an emotional wreck isn’t quite your thing, perhaps try a game less likely to tug at your heartstrings—basically, any other game ever created.

Mitosis is an entertaining, seemingly simple game in which you play as a cell and accumulate mass by eating smaller cells.

The action is underscored by low, bubbly music playing in the background.

By all forms of logic, this game should be relaxing. In reality, however, Mitosis is not at all calming—it quickly becomes stressful and overwhelming.

Players decorate their cells with meme avatars and slowly corner you until you have no choice but to accept your im-

pending doom while a memeskinned circle absorbs your cell into its own mass. When players scream “TEAM” in the chat box, you feel hopelessness churn in your gut. I usually just exit to the main menu.

Tara Gallagher ’18, a fan of the game, commented, “What makes [Mitosis] really interesting is that you could just be drifting along, minding your own business, and then the top player comes along with his team and there are 50 blobs surrounding you and you have to escape. [It goes from] 0-100 real quick.”

If you’re looking to constantly stay at 100, try Warframe, a more traditional third-person shooter game with a sci-fi twist.

It provides players with an opportunity to express their inner desires to be aliens in a war-torn universe.

You play as a member of an endangered alien race called Tenno and run around shooting other armed space creatures in what turns out to be an unexpectedly engaging way to kill free time (and study time). As Tanner Dierden ’16 said, “It was space ninjas with guns and super powers.

What’s not to like?”

These games are awesome, free, and they monopolize my late nights on a regular basis. Download Steam, make an account, and start playing, but be warned: once you start, you might not be able to stop.

Page 8 • ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Thursday, March 31, 2016

In Batman V Superman, nobody wins Columnist reviews the highly anticipated ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.’

Nicholas Nagaoka

Columnist

Terrible. Lazy. Incoherent.

Effortless. Heartless. Generic.

These are the words that came to mind when I saw Zack Snyder’s crap opus Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. The film takes place in Snyder’s head where Batman and Superman are terrible characters, who all speak in lazily-written dialogue and are constantly assaulted by poorly-executed dream sequences.

It was the fight that everyone wanted to see... until it was completely and utterly butchered.

The characters were awful.

Is there any more to say? They were simplistic, unlikeable, and every single one spoke the language of exposition and philosophical nonsense. It seemed like Ben Affleck, who played Batman, was the only one trying to salvage this disaster. He actually tried to create some semblance of Batman’s character as a complex figure haunted by pain.

a convoluted savior complex.

However, Zack Snyder thought that was too much work and decided that Batman should simply be an unextraordinary, brooding superhero who bores everyone with philosophical nonsense.

Superman (Henry Cavill) is back and just as bad as he was in The Man of Steel (2013). He tries incredibly hard to be edgy and dark, which only results in him parodying himself within the first five minutes of the film.

Yet there is a travesty worse than our main heroes: Lex Luthor. Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg, is one of the worst villains I have ever laid eyes upon. He belongs in an Austin Powers movie, not a serious Batman/Superman film. I do not know what the writers were thinking when creating this character. He was a cartoon of the actual Lex Luthor—a cunning, intelligent, interesting man, and a great antagonist to Superman in the comic books.

Lex is supposed to be the Joker for Superman, and yet this Lex is lazy, contrived, and absolute-

ly the worst part of this film. I am not even including the other disposable characters—Wonder Woman, Lois Lane, Alfred, and pretty much everyone else.

However, this film’s disappointments did not end with characterization. The film is paced so poorly that nobody could follow the action. There were, at minimum, ten or more visions or dream sequences that had no place in this film and were simply used as cheap methods of vague character development or generic plot advancement. These additions, coupled with the meandering “actual” plot, made the entire film so incoherent and lengthy that the audience was no doubt beginning to experience their own dream sequences.

As if this wasn’t enough, Mr. Snyder spends the whole film reminding you how similar Superman is to Jesus. “Superman as Jesus” was a constant annoyance in this film. Oh, and Batman is Jesus too—but a Hot Topic kind of Jesus. These heavy-handed religious parallels, which start within the first five minutes of the movie, are non-stop throughout.

Snyder also had the audacity to recruit musical genius Hans Zimmer to create this film’s score. I am so sorry that Zimmer had to tack his good name and musical talent onto this tragic trainwreck.

I am a DC Comics fan. The first comic book hero I ever grew to love was Batman. Had I only seen this film, I wouldn’t know that comic book films can be both critically and financially successful. These are not the heroes I grew up loving; these are the cardboard cutouts you see in comic stores. They are paper thin, hollow, and processed.

There is not a single thing that makes this movie worthwhile.

I hate you, Zack Snyder, and I want those two and a half hours of my life back. Rating: 2/10

Everyday makeup at Rollins

Lea Warren

Columnist

In regards to fashion, makeup is the finishing touch to any look. It can make or break an outfit. Doll lashes or spindly spikes? Smokey gold eyeshadow or neutral greyish-browns? Red lip or pink? Defined contours or a soft round face? In the world of high fashion, those questions are everything—but that’s all for runway shows and magazines.

What about in everyday life?

What about on our campus? Over the past few days, I made a point of noticing the faces of people I saw. One person wearing just mascara to accentuate incredibly long lashes, another with perfect red lips, another with enviable winged eyeliner…nearly everyone I saw was wearing at least a touch of makeup. So why is this?

Why do we feel the need to paint our faces each morning before we face the world?

For Kate Stefanski ‘17, the answer is simply, “Because it’s fun!” She likes the way it makes her look, and says she does not wear makeup for anybody except herself.

Likewise, proclaimed makeup lover Alexia Della Valle ‘19 says, “I wear makeup for myself… Essentially, I love the creativity behind it, and it enhances my features in a way that makes me feel more confident.”

Maddie Crump ‘19 completely agrees, saying that her makeup is for her and worn because she likes it, not because she is trying to impress anyone.

For a lot of people, there’s a fine line between trying to impress others and trying to impress yourself. And of course, it is important to make a good impression each day, but makeup is not the only way we can do that.

Walking into a job interview, the decision to hire you will not—or, rather, should not—depend on what eyeliner you wear. Makeup is just a tool to help us feel more confident so that we can be ready to make that good impression.

As long as makeup is used

with the right intentions, many students believe it can be an amazing addition to your day.

For Zoe Kim ‘19, makeup is a “force of habit” and is a good way for her to wake up and start her morning. She ran through her daily makeup routine for me, as did Della Valle, Crump, and Stefanski, and all four follow the same basic routine: first foundation, then concealer, and finally blush. For the finishing touch, they sometimes add mascara, eyeliner and/or eye shadow, and then pop on some lipstick.

Yet, despite the similarity in their morning routines, all four girls have completely different aesthetics. Alexia often sports a dark lip and soft eyes, while Zoe and Maddie’s finished looks are quite natural and subtle. Kate, on the other hand, is usually seen with daring eyes and a natural lip.

This huge variation, due in part to how these girls choose to work with their face shapes, can also be attributed to personal taste. Everyone has a favorite brand, or at least a favorite lipstick or mascara, and often times that product reflects the style of the owner.

For Nicole Otero ‘18, her favorite makeups encompass just about anything Sephora has on its shelves, though usually she gravitates towards neutral colors and earthy tones because she is naturally tan and feels that such colors better accentuate her features. For Kim, a tinted primer from the brand Tarte takes the cake for her favorite product, because she loves the way it makes her skin feel. For Crump, her Smashbox eye shadow collection and her Sephora black liquid liner are favorites in her collection.

For Della Valle, her all-time favorite is a custom lipstick from Bite Cosmetics that she had the opportunity to make herself while on a trip to New York.

No matter the product or aesthetic, all of these individuals derive their love for makeup from the same principle: “It’s fun!”