March 8, 2011

the

Scribe

March 8 to March 14, 2011 [Volume 35. Issue 22]

a backyard escape page 8

editorial

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The best-kept, best-dressed secret of Mardi Gras

Editor-in-Chief Avalon Manly Today is Mardi Gras, when New Orleans steps into the cultural limelight and the national colors become purple, gold and green. Bourbon Street, Uptown and the French Quarter will play host to the largest, most flamboyant festival in the country, with dozens of parade floats carrying hundreds of riders, weaving through a vast crowd of colorful, masked attendees.

Mardi Gras began as the Roman festival of Lupercalia, a springtime carnival celebrated with masked parades and balls.

When Christianity became the religion of the empire, church officials incorporated Lupercalia into their own traditions, citing it as the period of reckless abandon that incites the forty somber days of Lent.

Over time, Lupercalia evolved into Mardi Gras, and spread throughout many of the major cities in Europe.

Mardi Gras came to New Orleans in 1699 with French explorers, who had brought the festival with them from Paris. While the city was under French rule in the 1700s, Mardi Gras prospered and the streets were filled in early March with masked part-goers.

Later, when the city was under the Spanish flag, a ban was placed on masked festivities. Such parties remained illegal until 1827, when the Creole population of New Orleans vied for street masking to be legalized again. Though Mardi Gras was cancelled during periods of war or economic depression (or Prohibition), it’s always returned to New Orleans as one of its most beloved cultural staples.

In 1872, the first real Mardi Gras krewe was born. (“Krewes” are groups of people who together pay for and facili-

tate parades or balls during a carnival; the term originated in the early days of Mardi Gras. Each krewe is structured as a parody of a royal court: run by a king and queen, and including dukes, counts, knights, etc.) The Krewe of Rex, as it was called, spawned the characteristic Mardi Gras color scheme, and created the tradition of the Rex King arriving by river boat.

The Krewe of Zulu rose in 1909 as a parody of Rex, with its king wearing a crown made of a lard can and arriving not on a classy river boat, but via oyster schooner. Zulu quickly became the most beloved krewe in the city.

Since Rex, dozens of krewes have risen and fallen like mini-empires.

Some, like Rex and Zulu, have persisted since their inception, and are celebrated still. One particular krewe has developed its own enduring culture and tradition, and remains one of Mardi Gras’ most closely guarded secrets: the Mardi Gras Indians.

The Mardi Gras parades and krewes throughout the early twentieth century were the territory of the social elite, and many members of the black population in New Orleans felt like outcasts. The Mardi Gras Indians were born as a way for an economically marginalized segment of the population to create their own rendition of the annual festival, and it’s become one of the grandest Mardi Gras celebrations to date.

Mardi Gras Indians were so named as a token of respect for the Native American tribes in Louisiana that sheltered and cared for runaway slaves before the Civil War. Over the years, they’ve developed their own customs and traditions, the most famous of which is the annual creation of shockingly elaborate costumes.

Each year on Mardi Gras, the various Mardi Gras Indian tribes parade on unpublicized routes.

The Big Chiefs of each tribe wear their custommade, hand-sewn costumes, some of which may weigh up to 100 pounds and cost $10,000 to produce, and proceed to compete in a sort of strutting contest with their rival

chiefs. They shout, “Me no humba! You humba!” as a demand that the opposing chief bow in deference – a dialectical interpretation of the word “humble,” used as a verb.

In years past, the Indian confrontations were violent. It was a day for the tribes to settle scores, when the police could do little amidst the masked crowds to keep order; people would often wind up hospitalized, or dead.

Thankfully, the violence has receded from the Mardi Gras Indian tradition, and the “humba” contests today are almost entirely bloodless.

Recent turmoil has arisen, though, regarding the costumes worn by Big Chiefs. They can take as much as a full year to make, and are such a mark of pride that many chiefs begin them anew, from scratch after each Mardi Gras season is complete.

They are adorned with feathers, beads, rhinestones according to the home turf of each tribe, and represent a rich conglomeration of histories and cultures.

The Mardi Gras Indians are currently seeking to copyright their costumes, to prevent photographers from turning a profit on calendar or magazine sales by images that feature the Indians in their Mardi Gras garb. “We have no problem with people taking pictures for education purpose, for, you know, if you want to take a picture for your private - you know, you have in your home,” said Big Chief Howard Miller of the Creole Wild West tribe. “There’s no problem with that. It’s just - if you want to take it to make money, then that’s where we say we should be also compensated. And I think that’s fair.”

The trouble exists in the current laws that clothing, as functional rather than aesthetic, cannot be copyrighted. The Indians are hoping that their costumes, as completely non-functional, will be copyrighted as works of sculpture rather than merely garb.

The jury is still out on this issue, but the Mardi Gras Indians are hoping they’ll have a chance to work with the law to preserve the sanctity of their traditions. S

March 8 to March 14, 2011

the scribe The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs

Editor-in-Chief.........................................Avalon Manly Managing Editor........................................Jessica Lynch Business Manager..........................................Matt Baatz Advertising/Sales Manager..........................Luis Hidalgo News Editor.............................................Joesph Ruffini Culture Editor.........................................Brock Kilgore Athletics Editor......................................Matt Crandall Opinion/Scribble Editor...........................Cherise Fantus Photograhy Editor.................................Ariel Lattimore Copy Editor.............................................Cherise Fantus Web Master.............................................Dorian Rogers Layout Designers..........................................J.D. Osorio ..................................................................Emily Olson Reporters...................................................Alex Cramer ............................................................Ryan Piechowski .................................................................Sara Horton ....................................................................Matt Sidor ...................................................................Ryan Adams Photographer.........................................Michelle Wood Junior Reporters.....................................Jeremy Lengele ........................................................Heather Templeton Junior Photographer...................................Brett Owens Contributors...........................................Steven Farrell Cartoonist............................................................Arno Distributor...........................................Donald Trujillo Advisor.....................................................Laura Eurich ---------Cover Photo by Michelle Wood-------The Scribe UC 106 (719) 255-3658 | (719) 255-3469 | (719) 255-3600 www.uccsscribe.com | scribe.eic@gmail.com

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news

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March 8 to March 14, 2011

Strong Mayor Initiative brings change, The news in brief more prospects to upcoming election Matt Sidor

msidor@uccs.edu During last November’s election, voters in the City of Colorado Springs passed Question 300 – “The Strong Mayor Proposal” – with 56 percent of the vote. This proposal will radically transform how our city government is organized.

Until now, Colorado Springs has been a council-manager government consisting of a mayor and eight city council members. All were voting members and could approve budgets, enact ordinances and rule on land use. A city manager is tasked with commanding the day-to-day activities of running the whole city. The mayor and city council members were elected by Colorado Springs residents, while the city manager was appointed as an employee by the mayor and city council.

On Nov. 2, voters adopted a new strong mayor-council form of government which will take effect after the April 5 Municipal Election, when we vote for the city’s first

strong mayor. Under this system, the mayor acts as the chief executive and the city council is the legislative branch – much like our Federal government with its president and congressional legislators.

While before the mayor was considered a voting member of the city council, the mayor and city council will now be two wholly separate entities; city council will add an additional at-large member to stay at nine total members. In addition, the mayor will have veto authority over anything city council votes on, including specific, line-by-line budget items and council will need to reach a two-thirds majority vote to override any veto. This will give any new mayor tremendous power over the ways in which our city government is run.

To date, there are a total of nine candidates on the ballot for the new strong mayor position: Kenneth Paul Duncan, a former sales representative and Army veteran; Dave Munger, president of the Council of Neighbors and Organizations; Richard Skorman, local business leader

Former Vice Mayor and owner of several local businesses, including Poor Richard’s, Skorman joined the mayoral race last-minute, announcing his official campaign in early January. “There’s an opportunity in this community to really make a difference,” Skorman told Fox 21. He mentioned his former experience in the mayor’s office, noting, “I know the community inside and out, but also I can go in as a small business man and really think about things in a way outside the box.”

Photo courtesy of citydesk.freedombloggling.com

Munger is a retired businessman, and wants to focus, according to his website, on creating jobs in Colorado Springs. He has published his prospective plans for his first 100 days in office, with the explanation, “Restoring our economy requires us to re-imagine and re-structure the ways the City works with our local businesses and businesses interested in locating here.” He plans to implement modifications of the city tax code (including TABOR), and to gradually eliminate business personal property taxes.

Photo courtesy of citydesk.freedombloggling.com

Duncan, 49, was recently laid off from his position as a salesman, and describes himself on his campaign’s website as “a common man raised in a lower middle class income family [who] understand[s] the needs and pitfalls of the working class family.” Duncan is the “only college graduate in [his] immediate family,” and claims that his experiences budgeting for a family and its needs are “valid experience for leading this city into the uncertain future of lower revenues.”

Photo courtesy of citydesk.freedombloggling.com

and owner of Poor Richard’s Bookstore downtown; Phil McDonald, owner of The Uniform Shop near The Citadel Mall; Tom Gallagher, a principal in Aeon Project Development; Steve Bach, a commercial real estate brokerage advisor; Mitch Christiansen, a general contractor and real estate broker and consultant; Buddy Gilmore, an engineer and co-founder of local defense contracting firm Shape Technologies; and Brian Bahr, owner of new home builder Challenger Homes.

Although taking different approaches, all the candidates are campaigning on promises to change city spending habits, prevent future budget shortfalls and revitalize the local economy. Your best bet is to search for each candidate’s campaign website and read about their background and platform to determine whether they will be holding any rallies in the near future. Additionally, a mayoral debate was held on Feb. 22; a complete recording of the event is available at newsfirst5.com/news/ watch-mayor-candidates-in-90minute-forum. S Bahr founded the local homebuilder, Classic Homes, and still works in real estate today. He told Fox 21, “I think the voters were very clear that they want strong leadership in our city, and I believe that I bring that to the table. … Our campaign is running based on creating a strong economy on bold competition and investing in the future.” Bahr plans to focus on revitalizing the city’s economy, and originally supported the Strong Mayor Initiative.

Photo courtesy of citydesk.freedombloggling.com

‘Buddy’ Gilmore is the CEO of Shape Technologies, and supports the Strong Mayor Initiative in the hopes that the city will benefit from what he calls a “full time mayor,” according to Fox 21. “I’ve seen some very successful mayors,” he said, “and the amount of time they put in, 60-70 hours a week is about the norm.

And I think we’re ready for something like that. I think there’s a lot of work that needs to be done.”

Photo courtesy of csbj.com

“I am the average Joe, the working class citizen,” McDonald, a local small business owner and former marshal with CSPD, told Fox 21. “We are not big rollers my family. …I believe I’m going to bring a lot of honesty, character, morals and enthusiasm to the office.” He continued, “I believe I can start work day one…Whereas I believe some of the other candidates, it could take them a full term before they have the background and knowledge and training that I already have.”

Photo courtesy of philmcdonaldformayor.com

Fitzgerald brings home national writing honors

Gomountainlions.com writer and sports information director, Doug Fitzgerald, is the recent recipient of seven awards through the 2009-2010 Fred S. Stabley Writing Contest. He earned second and third place national awards and five district awards. Some of the articles receiving honors included a piece written about the new Gallogly Events Center, a first time win at Kearney, Neb. and a couple player profiles. Another article, which has plagued UCCS basketball in the past few seasons, was a story detailing the difficulties of being the lone wolf in the RMAC. The Stabley Writing Contest included articles from sports information directors from Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Alberta and Saskatchewan and is not characterized by divisions.

-JL S

Bill Daniels speaks at ethics luncheon series On March 15, Rhonda Miller of the Eaton Corporation will be presenting another installment of the University’s Bill Daniels Ethics Luncheon Speaker Series. The series is designed to bring business people, scholars and administration together to discuss business ethics.

In this week’s installment, Miller will be discussing global ethics and educational training. The Eaton Corporation has often been sighted as one of the world’s most ethical corporations. The goal of the luncheon will be for students to learn the importance of ethical conduct and why it is essential to the success of a modern business. The event will start at 11:30 a.m. and end at 1:15 p.m. and will be held in the upper lodge.

–JR S

Beth-El accreditation extended The University’s Beth-El College of Nursing’s accreditations have been extended for both the undergraduate and doctoral programs. The new accreditations will last for 10 years. The Commission on Collegiate Nursing Education, Washington, D.C. made the decision to reaccredit the school after their April 2010 visit to review the school’s temporary 5 year accreditation.

The commission found that the University met all necessary requirements in order to remain an accredited nursing program. In a recent interview with Communiqué, a university publication, Nancy Smith, Dean of Beth-El, stated the following: “Accreditation is an important process that ensures high standards are being met by those of us who prepare the next generation of health care providers. I am appreciative of the commission’s recognition of the hard work and dedication of the faculty in upholding those standards.”

–JR S

UCCS still focused on decreasing carbon emission

Since signing the American Association of Colleges and Universities’ Climate Commitment in February of 2007, UCCS has continued its efforts to reduce carbon emissions. At the time, UCCS was one of 50 schools striving for change; it is now one of 600 colleges partaking in the movement. The university’s “very ambitious” goal of reducing emissions by 20 percent by 2020 was recently discussed in an on-campus forum directed by provost Peg Bacon. The presentation included the university’s progress and future plans. Other committee members discussed the effects of greenhouse gases and global climate change. More effective methods to increase student involvement were also discussed and in order to meet the outlined goals, UCCS must continue to make great strides, said Bacon. “You are part of the solution,” she furthered.

-JL

news

March 8 to March 14, 2011

UCCS-owned expo center to open this fall Sara Horton shorton@uccs.edu After the 90,000-square-foot Phil Long Expo Center closed its doors on Dec. 31, 2010, Colorado Springs was left without an exposition center and its largest open-floor venue. To fill the void that the Phil Long Expo Center had left in the community, the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs and the Housing and Building Association of Colorado Springs have partnered up to introduce a new venue: the North Nevada Expo Center.

During its seven year run, the Phil Long Expo Center hosted just about everything. From home and garden shows to tattoo competitions, there was always something to keep people in the Pike’s Peak Area entertained. Despite its popularity amongst many groups of people, the expo center fell victim to the recent economic downturn. Phil Long Dealerships CEO Jay Cimino expressed how he wished the expo center could have been turned into a nonprofit, but that desire never materialized. The Springs Church, a nondenominational church based in Colorado Springs, purchased the Phil Long Expo Center from Cimino’s Five West Holdings LLLP for $5 million last year.

The sale instilled a sudden sense of urgency in the community. Many local organizations no longer had a venue for their events, such as the Housing and Building Association of Colorado Springs’ annual home and garden show.

The HBA home and garden show had been a regular event in the Pikes Peak area for almost sixty years. Moreover, each show annually attracted thousands of people. In need of a new expo center for their events and for all of Colorado Springs, the HBA joined forces with UCCS, which had a building to propose for the city’s next expo center.

Two months after the Phil Long Expo Center closed, UCCS and the HBA made a proposal on Feb. 22 to the CU Board of Regents in regard to a new expo center. Officials requested approval to spend $3 million on remodeling parts of the former TRW building at 3650 North Nevada Ave. into the North

Nevada Expo Center. The one-story building sits on 10 acres of land, has approximately 128,000 square feet, and has been used mostly for storage purposes. The building used to be occupied by a branch of the aerospace and automotive company, but it has been vacant since TRW went defunct in 2002. The CU Foundation bought the building in 2006, then leased it to UCCS and finally sold it to the University in 2010.

The CU Board of Regents unanimously approved the proposal, which called for the renovation of 60,000 square feet of the former TRW building. Although only a fraction of the building will be used for the upcoming North Nevada Expo Center, more space may be used for future events if the expo center is successful. The new expo center will host sports, gun shows, automobile exhibits, business meetings and other upcoming events for Colorado Springs.

Because the former TRW building has ample parking space and convenient access from I-25, the building seems ready to take on its new role as expo center. However, the building still needs work before any shows can move in. The former TRW building needs asbestos abatement, lighting, parking, signs and a variety of upgrades, all of which the CU Treasury will fund with a 10-year loan to UCCS. In turn, UCCS will repay the treasury with the funds it will generate after the North Nevada Expo Center opens for business. Though university-owned, the expo center will be operated for at least five years by the HBA due to a contract signed with UCCS. HBA may choose to renew its ownership for an additional five years after that.

“We are pleased that one of the strongest non-profit organizations in the city, the HBA, will be managing the North Nevada Expo Center in providing our community with a permanent location for shows and exhibits that were previously held at the Phil Long Center,” stated UCCS Vice Chancellor for Administration and Finance Brian Burnett in “Communique,” an online UCCS newsletter. The HBA expects the North Nevada Expo Center to be ready for business by Oct. 1. S

Photo Courtesy of UCCS Communique

UCCS’ former TRW building will soon be renovated and available for community use.

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culture

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A

March 8 to March 14, 2011

ther side of o e h t cam journey to pus

Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu The Sherpa path that connects Alpine Village with the dorms is a nice, relaxing stroll. It gets you from point A to point B with little effort and a nice dose of fresh air. It does not, however, release your inner child’s love of exploration.

For a more challenging course, begin your hike from behind the apartments and climb straight up. Avoid the marked path at this point and prepare yourself for some deep breathing and maybe a trickle of sweat if you really push it. I’m not in terrible shape, but the beginning climb was challenging enough to make me wish I’d brought a water bottle. Continue up through the washed out ravines until you spot the infamous stoner couch.

How it was hauled up the hill is beyond me, but it’s still in relatively good shape aside from some exposed springs and a bit of dirt. The blue of the fabric is faded, but still worth sitting on for a few minutes to take in the broken beer bottles and your first view of the city. From this vantage point, Garden of the Gods is a straight shot to the mountains and the endless stream of traffic can be daunting in its realization From here, continue winding your way through the trees and if you’re hiking with someone, make it a race. (Though be careful of the loose dirt and rock.)

Soon you’ll reach a cluster of large boulders, many of them shaped like Snoopy, that provide ample opportunity to climb, jump and throw rocks. Overall, it’s reason enough to act like a little kid again.

Again, continue climbing upward until you reach your next destination point: the pull-up bars. As my boyfriend explained, from the top bar, you might feel a little bit like the King of the world. I think that’s reason enough to do a pullup. Maybe even a two or three if you can.

The shorter bars are also perfect for spinning. This maneuver is usually done by girls under the age of seven, but can be managed as long as you check for ample headroom to complete the full rotation.

After this, take a moment to look back at not only how far you have come, but the school below and the city itself.

There’s nothing like taking time to explore the fervor of city life and the lives that perpetually wiz by without notice.

And while we might not always realize this, each car is more than just a passing vehicle, but an individual person with a story. And it’s important, I think, to step back from it all and remember this before we get caught in the vicious cycle of daily frustrations and routines.

Climbing up the bluffs during the evening to catch the sun setting in the west is a beautiful, breathtaking sight and should be experienced from these great heights.

From the top, a path winds its way easily across the bluff to the far east side. Begin following this at a leisurely pace, taking in the brush, the rocks, the grass and the howl of the wind. Walks like these were made for deep conversations and intellectual thought. So whether you’re with someone or walking by yourself, jump in with an open mind and a willing heart.

Before long you’ll stroll by the cell phone tower and realize that if a mountain lion decided to attack you right then, there’s a chance you could get a call into 911 first. It’s really a very comforting thought. The path gets a little complicated through here but if you continue along a generally straight line, you really can’t get lost. Along this area are a couple rock outcroppings that lead you to the edge of the bluffs. The further east you walk, the more you feel like you’re in the middle of the wilderness because you can no longer see the school.

When you reach the far east side of the bluff you can either start the descent to the bottom or turn around. I advise back

Photos by Michelle Wood

For something a little more challenging, turn right. And don’t look back, because big, scary cats will find you.

tracking and enjoying the path back so you can stay on top of the bluffs and on top of the world, a little bit longer. The climb down can be a little difficult because of the sand and loose dirt, but if

you brace yourself and bend your knees, a little sliding is actually pretty fun.

When you do finally reach the bottom, take a deep breath and remind yourself to continue appreciating life’s beauty. S

March 8 to March 14, 2011

culture

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March 10

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UCCS hosts conference on culture, history of Sephardic Jews Heather Templeton htemplet@uccs.edu This week, UCCS is host to the Sephardic Memory and Movement Conference, a two-day testament to the history and cultural heritage of Jews who migrated from Spain due to social, political or economic pressures during the mid-twentieth century. Many Sephardic, or Spanish, Jews, settled in the Southwestern U.S., where their influence is felt strongly today.

Assistant Professor of History Dr. Roger Martinez, who will be speaking before the conference on March 10, said, “Prior to their expulsion from Spain in 1492, Sephardic Jews had tremendous cultural, religious, intellectual and political influence in the Iberian Peninsula.”

The conference will begin at 5:30 p.m. on March 10 in the Kraemer Family Library, opening with a reception and refreshments. It will continue until 9 p.m., concluding with a Sephardic Musical Concert at the Centennial Hall Auditorium. The concert will feature external musicians as well as members of the UCCS

Department of Music.

On March 11 at 10 a.m., Dr. Martinez will commence the last day of the conference with a welcome, followed by a keynote address about the footprint of Sephardic Jews in New Mexico, as well as their history and lingering struggle for identity.

The conference boasts performances and lectures

by Vanessa Paloma, Dr. Stanley Hordes, Dr. Seth Ward, Dr. Ofer Ben-Amots, Sonya Loya, Dr. Abe Minzer and Dr. Seth Kunin. Parking and accommodation information is available online at sephardicmemory.eventrbite. com.

The conference will focus on the history of the Sephardic Jews and the tribulations they overcame throughout history while simultaneously managing to maintain their cultural identity, faith and heritage.

In his book, “The Spanish Jewry,” Martinez provides a brief but thorough history of the Sephardic Jews, focusing on the ways in which Jews were often subjected to “violence and persecution by Christian and Muslim rulers.”

According to Martinez, one integral Sephardic Jew

from the Middle Ages was a man named Moses Maimonides. Martinez wrote, “Maimonides lived during the end of the Sephardic Golden age, a period of intense cultural, intellectual, and artistic accomplishments for the Jewish people in Spain.” Maimonides serves for Martinez as an example of those Sephardic Jews who chose to not die in the name of their religion and nationality, instead migrating from Spain so that they could spread and practice their religion without worry.

Many Sephardic Jews immigrated to the U.S., and large numbers of them established homes in the Southwestern states. The conference will take special care to emphasize the enduring influence of the Sephardic Jews on these areas of the country; moreover, Martinez confirmed its significance to the students and all those who attend as he explained, “Spain’s religious and cultural history is especially important for our 21st century world because it speaks to fascinating ideas about personal and social identities.” He believes this conference will have an impact on those who attend because “it will allow all of us to reflect on our own personal challenges of finding our own identities in this world.” S

March 8 to March 14, 2011

athletics

Page 7

Colorado Mammoth Are on the rise Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu

Matthew Crandall ‘This is lacrosse!’ ‘I want my Mammy!’ mcrandal@uccs.edu

I grew up with one strong, overarching definition of sports. I played soccer For those of us who claim to love “sports,” placing emphasis on the plural connotation when I was younger – scored my first and last goal in my first game – and com- of actually enjoying more than one athletic avenue consumes most people who are firmly peted primarily in basketball, track and cross country after realizing I would and comfortably set in their ways as to how far down the rabbit hole they’re willing to go never score another one. Sports were rugged. They weren’t overly glamorizing in supporting a multitude of teams and leagues.

People want what they want, when they want it, right? Well, sports advocacy is no difand there were many times I finished a cross-country race looking like I’d gone ferent to the layman, nor is it immune to people’s incredulous desire for never escaping mud wrestling instead of running. It was dirty, I sweated a lot and I usually their comfort zones and trying something new. looked like a drowned rat with a bad case of rosacea after any competition. I And I, too, was one of those simple and hardheaded sports fans for over 27 years, looked worse if we’d lost. sticking closely and dominantly to my unified niche of football and basketball – until a A few weeks ago I attended my first of what I now hope to be many, few weeks ago. Now, if I were a very superficial and shallow minded person, I would professional lacrosse games at the Pepsi Center. The Colorado Mammoth, as probably find myself obligated to describe the perks and somewhat high roller accommoI soon learned, had in fact dations Jessica Lynch and I found been in existence and playourselves in possession of as we ing at the Pepsi center since drove to Denver to attend a Colotheir 2003 season. While I rado Mammoth lacrosse game, wish I could say I’d stumbled where we were showered with across them myself, Matt and media passes, media parking, I were given complimentary press box seating, and all while passes and seats in the press managing to spend a mere $17.50 on popcorn and sodas. box for their game against the However, that’s not the point of Minnesota Swarm. To give a the story despite how righteously brief rundown, each team has intriguing it all came to be.

18 players with only 6 on the As our ecstatic minds began field at a time. There are three to calm down to a more functionperiods and subbing occurs ing and coherent level, I gazed seemingly haphazardly with upon the artificial turf to see the several players sprinting on Colorado Mammoth and Minneand off the field at intervals. sota Swarm ending their pregame I’m sure there’s some reason warm-ups in a Pepsi Center which to the madness. appeared foreign to me; I’d never At the time, I thought I seen a lacrosse game, much less was in for another standard a Colorado Mammoth lacrosse professional performance. game.

I could not have been more The Pepsi Center, amidst its wrong. Although warmuniversal lacrosse transformaups commenced per-usual, Photo courtesy of carrieandjonathan.com tion, looked more like an epic when booming Rock poured arena filled with Roman gladi“His blood smells like cologne. He is the most interesting man in the world.” And I bet Langtry probably through the speakers and a drinks Dos Equis, too. ators preparing to do battle in fleet of badass bikers on their front of Ancient Greece, waiting hogs with leather-clad dancin anticipation as the gods above smiled with mortal satisfaction. ers in tow circled the field, I struggled to suppress my absolute fascination.

As the Colorado Mammoth starters were being introduced one-by-one under a sapphire My feelings of disbelief continued into the game as players visibly hit, punched, kicked and brutalized one another for possession of the ball. There halo of fireworks and pyrotechnics, a sudden inclination of radiant excitement echoed were ground dives; fights started and stopped with little referee control; and the throughout my brain and I knew this sport, this team and this game, were going to offer a mile-high show. This was a professional sport encompassing a unique and distinct attitude goalies wore enough padding to play a role in Transformers.

By the end of the first period I was hooked. I wanted more and I couldn’t in its own way. And, I was exactly right.

From the first second of play till the last, I witnessed a game and a sport which runs wait for a real fight to break out. I was, with no hesitation, acting completely on a continuous, linear interval of non-stop action and tenacious game-play. America’s out of the ordinary. I don’t usually like fighting and I certainly wasn’t the type of person to cat-call one into progression, but there I was crossing my fingers more popular pastimes of baseball, football and basketball leave a void which will always have a molecular flaw: They’re built upon a foundation of ‘stop and go’ momentums. anyway. I finally understood why people loved it; the energy was intoxicating Baseball’s absolutes are only experienced in rarities of big hits and homeruns; basketball and the music was nearly nonstop. is delegated to a 50 percent threshold of excitement, given that raw percentage may be a At the end of the second period, mass chaos erupted in the form of a full- statistical mean of baskets being scored; and football, in all its violent and high-impact team beating in the middle of the field. The two refs acted merely as spectators, moments, ignites for 5-10 seconds at a time on a play-by-play basis. There is no continual and little was done to calm the fight. Instead, “Eye of the Tiger” pulsed through medium which the three operate on during a game. They merely operate in short timely the Pepsi Center and as if on cue, two players on the outskirts of the mob tossed bursts. off their gloves and helmets, and upon hearing, “This is lacrosse” from the Lacrosse negates the ‘stop and go’ philosophy by doing just that – pausing only duroverhead announcer, crouched into wrestling position. Punches were thrown ing timeouts, injuries or penalties, that’s it. Music is played throughout each of the four and both men found themselves rolling in a messy mass of testosterone on the periods, and a high energy in-game announcer dialogues during the entire event, almost ground. Like everyone else, my mouth had dropped open; but rather than being supplying a classically conditioned approach toward keeping people tuned in and active appalled, I didn’t want it to end. In fact, I think there was a moment there when throughout the game’s entirety. The sport assimilates similar offensive/defensive strateI imagined decking Matt just for the hell of it. gies of basketball, football and hockey, but it’s intensified by 1,000, due to the quick and To bring this back to my initial definition of sports, the Colorado Mammoth decisive style of play. I can’t even begin to describe the hand-eye coordination these athare the antithesis of it. While it was not overly showy or glitzy, professional letes must encapsulate to score and perform as a team. It’s incredible, to say the least.

In terms of bang for the buck, look no further. The Colorado Mammoth, in all of its lacrosse seems to blur the line between sport and sheer entertainment. This various and likeable attributes of high excitement and exhilarating sex appeal, may be the isn’t to say that these men are not the manliest of men, but the atmosphere missing piece to the Colorado puzzle for great professional sports teams and athletes. The spoke more of a show than a sporting event. I’m beginning to think, however, tickets are cheap and the experience is unforgettable. that maybe there’s nothing wrong with a slight mixing of the two. Then again, If you’re open-minded and willing enough to step outside your athletic niche in search maybe I just have the white trash fever and tomorrow I’ll be smashing beer of something more, I guarantee the Colorado Mammoth will knock your socks off. S cans on my forehead and naming my future child Earl. S

Page 8

athletics

March 8 to March 14, 2011

Spring season promises high hopes for nationally ranked UCCS men’s golf team, spring play commences March 21 Ryan Adams radams3@uccs.edu As an offseason full of dedicated preparation and hard practice comes to a close, head coach Phil Trujillo and the UCCS men’s golf team will be looking to make a statement this spring when they hit the links on March 21.

With their sights set on the RMAC Conference Championship and NCAA Nationals in Alabama, Trujillo and the men’s team, which played extremely well during the fall, have high hopes.

“The offseason is all about preparing ourselves for a long spring season. We do a series of core strength exercises that are related to the golf swing. Our training is designed to build our core muscles, increase our swing speed, and build proper muscle mass that relates directly to the golf swing,” said Trujillo.

“As we get closer to the upcoming season we’ll work on increasing our flexibility and our coil resistance. Endurance also plays a major role in the spring with the weather warming up and the possibility of playing six events between March and May.” Due to the unusually warm weather as of late, the team has been able to get in many rounds out on the course and Trujillo feels like they are nearing full strength as they head into the spring season.

“We practice as much as we can outdoors when the weather permits,” he added, “Our game plan is to get out and play as much as possible in January and February. Once March hits, we go back to our short game drills, range practice and playing consistently throughout the week.”

The upcoming spring schedule for the team promises many good fields on good courses and Trujillo feels that the team will be ready to roll when Regionals for the NCAA Nationals come around.

“Our goals this spring are to first win our RMAC Conference Championship and then build on that by competing in the NCAA Nationals later this spring.

The schedule is good [and] even, though, we took one event off of it. We’ll play against a lot of other good teams on good golf courses so we should be ready come Regional time,” expounded Trujillo.

The Mountain Lions’ first event will take place on March 21-22 in Mission Viejo, Calif., where they will participate in the Southern California Invitational.

Trujillo believes the course will be a good test for the team, who are currently ranked eleventh in the nation according to the GolfWorld/Nike Golf Division II Coaches’ Poll.

“The course is extremely difficult but it gives us a good test for what to expect at the NCAAs. The field is strong with teams from all over and will no doubt

be difficult. We’ve won this event in the past and the guys always enjoy getting out of the cold and playing on green grass again,” he concluded.

The Mountain Lions will also be competing in Phoenix on March 28-29 at the Grand Canyon Spring Invitational as well as the Dairy Queen Wolfpack Invitational down in Pueblo on April 11-12.

UCCS will wrap up the season with the RMAC Spring Championship back in Phoenix on April 19 and then move

on to the all-important NCAA D-II West/ Central Super Regional in Alberquerque, N.M. on May 2.

Trujillo believes the team is in good position to win the RMAC Conference Championship and is looking forward to the much anticipated spring season.

“As of right now, the team looks great and ready to compete. It’s always good to get it started and we’re looking forward to that soon.” S

home runs and eight runs batted in (RBI’s) on the year, the team knows a pick up is needed on both the offensive and defensive side of the diamond.

UCCS is averaging below league averages in nearly every offensive category so far this season and along with low hitting numbers, pitching has hurt them by allowing over 5.2 runs per game.

The lack of run production on the offensive end combined with the amount of runs allowed by opponents lead to a rough start.

“Our offense and defense have both been up and down the last few weekends. It just seems that when [hitting] is good, the [pitching] is struggling, and vice versa,” Hathaway said. “This is when we run into problems.”

With their first two wins of the season coming on an away trip in Minn., UCCS was able to score efficiently and hold their opponents, Minnesota StateMankato and St. Cloud State, to a two run average per game. The Mountain Lions would end that trip holding on to a 1-0 win over Upper Iowa. This win, which came off a three-hit pitched by Jessica Belsterling, who also scored the one and only run for the UCCS in the game.

While the beginning of the season may not have started off as planned, the team still has a positive mentality and expects to go out and be competitive in every game.

“Some bright sides are we did really well against the big teams in our

region,” Hathaway mentioned, “I think we are starting to figure it out and be competitive against all of the teams we face.”

The team is aware of what they need to improve on in order to remain in the hunt for the postseason. Their confidence has not been hampered by the slow start and each player believes in one another.

“We definitely plan on making it to the tournament,” Hathaway concluded.

“We know that as the season progresses we will get harder and harder to beat.”

The lady Mountain Lions will take their talents to Denver this coming weekend before returning home for a four game stand at Mountain Lion Field against Western New Mexico. S

Photo courtesy of gomountainlions.com

The UCCS men’s golf team are currently ranked eleventh in the nation in Division-II and come March 21 when spring play commences, UCCS will sets sights on a national title.

Nowhere to go but up for lady Mountain Lions softball Ryan Piechowski rpiechow@uccs.edu The UCCS softball team is now in their fourth weekend of competitive play and has had a tumultuous start to their 2011 season.

The year started off on a low point with a four game weekend sweep against Nebraska Omaha and after winning their next two games, the lady Mountain Lions proceeded to lose six of their next eight. With nearly a third of the season gone, the team is hoping to improve their record and move on.

Although their record has not shown it, several Mountain Lions have played well for this team. Led by senior Captain Amanda Hathaway, who has three

Prizes for top 3 winners!

TOURNAMENT BRACKET available in next week’s issue.

Due by 12 p.m. on March 17.

opinion Paying for this class The Wisconsin Protests is punishment enough are just a tad overhyped March 8 to March 14, 2011

Page 9

Stephen Farrell sfarrell@uccs.edu

Photo Courtesy of gatopardos.com

If your teacher makes “wha wha wha” noises, you are no longer responsible for your actions and should not be required to attend class. Ever again.

Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu Most college students can drive a car, vote, buy alcohol and make monetary decisions. We are free to eat, drink and wear whatever we want. By all legal definitions, we are adults.

And yet, when it comes to attending class, it’s as if we’re in third grade again and good behavior is rewarded by gold stars; using the restroom is a privilege; and too many absences result in a phone call home with a twentyminute timeout.

Most professors understand that students are at liberty to decide whether they want to get their money’s worth and attend class or not. Ensuring that students are in class by either rewarding or punishing their presence should not be the professor’s primary concern. Rather, I believe it is their responsibility to make the classroom experience worthwhile, and class material should both entice and encourage students to challenge themselves. Reading directly from a plain, white PowerPoint presentation does not accomplish any of these goals. Quite on the contrary, it’s more likely to induce a coma lasting approximately two hours and 40 minutes.

I understand that certain courses are dependent on class discussion and student involvement, but if the teaching style and presentation of course material is less interesting than the textbook, students shouldn’t be punished for using their time more wisely.

The other day I sat through another painfully long lecture. I spent the entire class period reading the textbook instead of copying down notes from the PowerPoint, and by the end of class I had enjoyed myself and understood more of the material than I had in the past five weeks. I left the class quietly seething under my breath and shooting my professor plainly dirty looks because there I was, wasting a beautiful afternoon in a class that wasn’t worth more than its $92 textbook.

If I had a choice, I probably wouldn’t go back.

Ever. Unfortunately, for myself and many other students, my grade is greatly reliant on my attendance. A missed class is equivalent to failing an assignment worth twenty points. Those points, as I’m sure you know, add up fast. And while you might understand the material perfectly, if you’re not there to glumly raise your hand during roll call, you’re probably not going to pass the course.

This revelation aside, there was a time when I agreed that regardless of how terrible the class, students who skipped deserved punishment. In retrospect, however, my anger most likely stemmed from a serious case of in-

vidiousness. It didn’t feel fair that they could miss class and do comparably on the exams. Unlike them, I was confined by the system, and by what I believed to be the right and wrong behavior.

I have since reconsidered this notion and am now certain that if I learn more from the assigned readings than from the professor, I shouldn’t be required to sit in a desk that was made for midgets in a classroom with no windows. If that isn’t torture, I don’t know what is.

Here’s the thing, I have had many classes that are so challenging and interesting that students attend class because they genuinely want to be there.

When students feel coerced, they are less likely to come to class excited to learn. I know this sounds elementary, but when a teacher is visibly passionate about the topic and works hard to incorporate engaging elements into the lecture, students will want to be present.

A recent video on motivational methods explained that the engrained idea that rewards should be given for good behavior and punishments for bad, is not always effective. Instead, it showed that for tasks that require more abstract thinking, this kind of system can actually make performances drop.

So, here’s what I’m thinking. If professors stopped preparing monotonous classroom lectures and focused on variety instead, students would be more likely to attend, contribute and get their money’s worth. S

I thank God that I do not have cable. And especially this month, because whenever I sit down to eat somewhere that has CNN or FOX News blasting, all I see are clips of a bunch of loonies out in Madison, Wis. screaming and shoving each other while wearing those ridiculous cheese hats. And all the while I’m watching this, I’m thinking to myself, “Do these people even know what they’re shouting about?”

I don’t know about you, but all I see are puppets.

You see, if there’s one thing that everyone knows about unions, it’s that they will kick and scream until they get what they want. And the way they usually kick and scream is by rallying and firing up union workers through exaggeration and governmental blame.

To be fair, labor unions were initially formed to ensure that workers were both treated and compensated fairly for their hard work. In the mid- to late 1800s, there were several uprisings that ensued as a result of excruciatingly long work hours coupled with extremely low pay.

Labor workers grew sick of it, banded together and held massive strikes and protests. By the early 1900s, unions had gained both momentum and power; they were finally able to successfully bargain workers’ wages.

As you can imagine, the leaders of these unions today (primarily the AFLCIO) are powerful people.

States’ legislatures and companies listen to these people because they know they have the power to put together riots and protests like those in Wis. However, one thing that unions have managed to destroy in this country is the ability for companies to remain cost effective and competitive in their industries. Unions have a reputation for demanding and driving up minimum wages to the point where companies can no longer effectively operate and remain competitive at the same time. Companies then outsource and go overseas to China to pay people $5 a month with no bathroom breaks. And yet the same legislators who granted higher minimum wages to their states come right back and complain about unemployment rates to get reelected. Clearly, some (not all) labor unions have abused their power.

Wis. currently faces a debt crisis to the tune of $3.6 billion. And without the passing of a bill, which Governor Walker introduced to eliminate union bargaining rights, the state will face massive layoffs because it cannot afford

to keep thousands of state employees on its payroll with union influence. And to add to this, state employees would still be better off than the private sector as a whole with regard to pensions and health insurance benefits under the passing of the bill.

The truth is, many of these protestors have been hyped up and rallied by pro-union activists in fear of having their power in that state fall by the wayside. These unions no doubt enjoy all kinds of perks from the government, and in no small part because they are highly valuable to the Democratic Party come election time. That classifies a good many of these protesters as what can only best be defined as sheep.

In fact, Wis. protesters recently staked outside of Fox News headquarters while repeatedly chanting that they were liars. When Jessie Watters, a Fox correspondent, asked a protester wearing a cheese hat what lies have been told, he could not name a single one. What’s even better is that protesters were also allegedly bussed and issued signs by those working on behalf of the far left zealots “Media Matters” organization and AFL-CIO. This whole protesting debacle is nothing more than labor unions whining and pouting about losing the same power that they had begun abusing. And now that this is off my chest, I suddenly find myself thinking about cheese pizza. Until next time. S

Photo courtesy of http://www.businessinsider.com Though protesters often hold the signs, they rarely know what the message is.

opinion

Page 10

March 8 to March 14, 2011

Anti-discrimination laws are discriminatory

Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu How great the world would be if race and gender didn’t affect whether or not we were hired for a job, chosen for a coveted internship or accepted to school. Now, I think I’m pretty fantastic at life. I’m smart. I get good grades. I work hard, and I’m generally good at what I do. But I’m a woman. That im-

mediately gives me a disadvantage in this dogeat-dog world of male superiority and pissing contests. It’s not just men that have the advantage, though. It is white men specifically.

In an effort to try to level the playing field for persons other than white men, President John F. Kennedy established affirmative action in 1961 with Executive Order 10925. It was initially established to ensure fair treatment for government employees and government contractors.

According to that order, “The contractor will not discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of race, creed, color, or national origin.

The contractor will take affirmative action to ensure that applicants are

employed, and that employees are treated during employment, without regard to their race, creed, color, or national origin.”

It sounds like an excellent idea, and a great way to ensure equality.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t really worked out that way. The idea of affirmative action has been skewed into the idea that giving jobs to minorities makes it fair. Now, many companies are required to hire a certain number of minorities and women. So white men aren’t being hired specifically because they are white men, and African-Americans, Hispanics and women are being hired specifically because they are those things.

That just doesn’t sound fair to me at all.

I would much rather be

DEAR DEVI US DU

chosen for a position because I am the most qualified for the job than simply because I am a woman. To me, giving me the position because I have a vagina insinuates that I wouldn’t have been able to get it on my own.

It has to be handed to me because the fact that I am a woman meansI am less qualified and need the help of affirmative action to get a job. Bullshit.

Give me the chance to prove it on my own.

The fact is, affirmative action has evolved into a racist and sexist movement, rather than the equality movement it was intended to be. When organizations have quotas to meet, they don’t have room for the white man who could very well be more qualified than the African-American, Hispanic or female candi-

date that ultimately gets chosen.

Though white men generally tend to be the victims of affirmative action, in the case of many colleges, especially medical schools, Asians are the ones who lose out. According to John Rosenberg at Discriminations, “An Asian American with a GPA of 2.8 to 2.99 and a MCAT score of 36 to 38 has a 36.8 percent chance of being admitted to a U.S. medical school.” A white person with the same stats has a 40.7 percent chance, while an African-American has a 100 percent chance of being admitted.

I understand the desire to diversify, especially in a school. But when an African-American with average test scores gets chosen over an Asian

with stellar test scores, it’s going a little too far.

Affirmative action as it is also encourages laziness. The minority isn’t going to work as hard because they know they will get that spot either way. The white guy isn’t going to work as hard because he knows he probably won’t get the spot, anyway. We need a system where hard work, determination and overall qualification will be the factors that win in the end.

Discrimination of any kind should not be tolerated. Affirmative action was a good idea in theory, but ended up going the wrong way. We need to do away with affirmative action and come up with a new plan – a plan without quotas – a plan that might actually level the playing field. S

Dear Devious Duo, My boyfriend is awesome, really, but sometimes he acts like a five-year-old. The other day he decided it would be a great idea to lock me out of my own room and lean up against the door for a good 20 minutes while I banged and cursed him from the other side. I ended up giving up and eating a Popsicle instead, but what should I do if he tries this again?

Dear Bothered Babysitter,

Dear Toddler Control,

Just to make sure I have this clear, you’re wondering what to do if he acts childish again, right? Is grabbing another Popsicle out of the question? ‘Cause that doesn’t seem so bad.

No, OK then…

There are only two real ways to deal with guys. The first is simple, effective and has been used for years: Physically beat them until you get what you want. This may seem shocking, but it is the honest truth. It is the truth that all women know, yet they’ll try to deny. Next time your boyfriend acts like an idiot, just smack him around a little until he gets that you’re frustrated.

If that doesn’t work, you can go with the second option. Though less violent, it can be just as fun, I’m sure: Ignore him.

Now, if your boyfriend is as awesome as you say he is (because nothing says awesome like locking your significant other OUT of the bedroom!), then I’m sure he has some emotions. And if you ignore him, he’ll know he did something wrong.

And this is where it gets fun for you. He will, as I have many times before, try to figure out what went wrong. He’ll rack his brain for hours, and then when he can’t figure it out (we never do) he’ll rack his brain for hours trying to think of a good apology. Of course, all you wanted all along was “Sorry for being a jackass,” but you got so much more out of it!

This plan, however, only works a couple of times until he figures out what’s going on. So in between all of these guilt sessions, it might be a good idea to tell him that he’s being childish and you’re not amused. Is the “talk it out” advice cliché?

Well, that’s because it works.

Last ditch plan: Retaliation. Next time he tries to come over, lock him outside the house and ask him how he likes it. For added effect, send him a naughty text message or two. It’s like a kick in the balls, only it hurts a lot more.

First of all, how old is this guy? Because from the sound of it, he can’t be older than 13 or 14. Then again, for all I know he’s 25 with a great job and a bright future. Well, minus the whole sibling rivalry behavior.

Based on these childhood tendencies, I think it’s safe to assume he has a few siblings. It’s also very likely he was the one picked on and locked out of the bathroom the majority of the time. Clearly, he was traumatized. And while I should probably pity his misfortune, I can’t. Instead, my astonishment falls on you and your ability to stick around with the annoying brat.

With that said, there are a few things you can do the next time he won’t let you in your room or does something else your hypothetical kid brother would have done to annoy the hell out of you.

1. Leave the house and go for ice cream.

2. Start crying.

3. Call your mom (he doesn’t want to be on her bad side).

4. Employ your roommates and friends to break the door down.

5. Refuse to perform any sexual act for a week.

I’m willing to bet that any or all of these would effectively break your boyfriend of his childish behavior. There’s also a chance that this was a onetime thing, but if he enjoyed it as much as you alluded to, I’m guessing you could be locked out of the bathroom as soon as next week.

If this persists, you might have to take things to the next level. And by next level, I mean start acting like a child yourself and whine, cry and throw tantrums like a champ. Make him feed you. Or even worse, ask for help wiping after you use the restroom. Then do some really weird things like make a baby book with a computerized image of your future child, buy matching PJs and frape his Facebook with lovey-dovey posts, pictures, songs and comments. If none of these work, well, maybe you weren’t meant to be. And honestly, would that really be so bad?

-J.D. Osorio

-Jessica Lynch

Have a question about relationships, love or...sex? Email your query to the Devious Duo at scribeonsex@gmail.com.

the

Scribble

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.”

-Student Press Law Center

Charlie Sheen epidemic hits campus resemble the symptoms of bipolar disorder. As such, users experience extreme bouts of winning on either end of the spectrum. It also renders users capable of curing diseases with their brains.

Junior Emilio Estevez, who has tried the drug several times, said, “It makes me feel like my brain is an alien brain. There’s just so much going on, that I can barely handle having my brain in my head.”

Estevez’ girlfriend, Natalie Kovash, said that he gets “erratic and angry” when he’s on the drug. Estevez, however, said, “I’m just so passionate. People don’t understand the passion that Charlie Sheen

Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu

Pot, cocaine, heroine, crack and meth don’t seem to be doing it for the average drug-user anymore.

Always looking for the newest and greatest, a new drug has just hit the scene and seems to be the only drug of choice these days.

The drug is called Charlie Sheen. It can be snorted, smoked or injected intravenously. It has become extremely popular among high school and college students and is now the most common drug at UCCS. When on the drug, students have described a feeling of “winning.” The effects of Charlie Sheen

The news in brief Children can go to college, too

Thanks to a new program developed by the Child Development Center, single parents at UCCS no longer have to worry about where to leave their children while attending class. The third floor of Columbine Hall will become a child-friendly floor. Students will be allowed and even encouraged to bring their children to class with them.

It will benefit the students, children and the professors. “I can dumb my lectures down a bit. I won’t have to put so much thought into them anymore,” said English professor Karen McAfee. Parents also hope that getting their kids into college early will save them the trouble of trying to get them an education later in life.

S

Student comes to class naked

With the weather warming up comes the opportunity to shed layers of clothing and enjoy the sensation of the warm air and sunshine on the skin. While that is just what the average student will do, one student took it to the next level and shed all of his clothing. Junior Brad Buff strutted into class last Thursday wearing his birthday suit.

“I love the feeling of air on my skin,” he said, “It just got a little chilly in the classroom. I hope that cute girl who sits next to me didn’t notice - or at least understands about shrinkage.”

S

Medical marijuana dispensary opens on campus UCCS will soon be getting their very own medical marijuana dispensary. It will be added to the coffee shop in Dwire Hall. Along with their morning coffee, students will be able to get their daily dose of medical marijuana in a number of confectionary treats, as well as in lozenge and loose, smokeable form. “There are so many students here with medical marijuana licenses, we decided they need a convenient place to get their medication,” said Chancellor Pat Shocker-Zanzabar. The dispensary will be in full operation starting next week.

S

Senioritis epidemic hits UCCS The student health center has been overrun with cases of senioritis in the last few weeks. “People don’t realize that it’s an actual condition,” said Student Health Center Director Sarah Harrisberg, “It presents with symptoms of extreme lethargy, headaches, restlessness, inability to concentrate and a general lackadaisical outlook on schoolwork.” Students affected by these symptoms are encouraged to seek medical attention immediately. They will be treated with Ritalin, fresh air and beer. “The beer seems to be the best way to calm to symptoms,” said Harrisberg. The epidemic is expected to continue to grow through May. S

-Cherise Fantus

creates.”

UCCS police said that there have been many huge parties involving exorbitant use of the drug. The parties were out of control with heavy drinking, gratuitous sex, and a number of porn stars in attendance.

“I don’t know where the porn stars came from. They don’t live in the area, and didn’t know anyone at the parties. They just sort of showed up,” said Police Chief Tim Rice.

“I’m not really sure how I got there,” said porn star Kacey Jordan, “I just go where Charlie Sheen is. It’s like a sixth sense or something.”

While so many students are having a great

time winning with Charlie Sheen, there are certainly adverse affects of using the drug. Several students have been unable to handle the extreme winning feeling of the drug.

“Several students’ faces have melted off. The constitution of most people just can’t handle that kind of crazy. In response, the body heats to an extreme temperature, and the face literally melts,” said Rice, “We have found children weeping over the exploded bodies of others. It is an extremely dangerous drug.”

Students should be extremely careful if they encounter Charlie Sheen. It is dangerous, unpredictable and very unstable. S

TOP TEN

things caffeine makes you think you can do

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Last longer than 2 minutes in bed.

Run. Fast.

Speak in a quiet voice.

Not sound like a chipmunk.

Lift gratuitous amounts of weight.

Stay awake. FOREVER!

Win a fight.

Flap your arms fast enough to fly.

Don’t forget your cape.

Talk to all 700 of your Facebook friends - at once.

Make your mom proud.

-Scribe Staff

Photo courtesy of jackontheweb.radio.com Charlie Sheen: It’s a hell of a drug. So is tigerblood.

Naked girls move student body Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu Rumors of well-endowed blondes have been circulating campus with increased fervor over the past few weeks. The group, which hopes to celebrate Mardi Gras by drinking green tea and going bra-less for the day, are expected to perform a traditional dance at Clyde’s later this evening.

While it was believed that the group would still be wearing pants, a creepy guy in black heard Frenchy Tittskey, a member of the group say, “Everyone is going to be so surprised when we show up completely naked.”

This news was not kept a secret for long and has already reached Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin. The majority of UCCS’ male population of staff, students and janitorial employees along with a women’s rights group is expected to attend the event. While the pub’s doors will be open all day, they will be figuratively opening for the event at 6:45 p.m. According to Clyde’s employee Vanessa Jameson, “We’re all really excited to see these girls dance without bras.

I imagine there will be a lot of pictures taken.”

As she walked away she

murmured something about giving away lots of beads and maybe taking off her own shirt. On the event’s Facebook page, nearly 300 people have clicked “attending” and even more are considering poking their heads in for a few minutes of eye sex.

One girl, Samsara Jules, showed her support of the group by going to class yesterday evening in nothing but her fuzzy slippers from Walmart.

She later told a friend, “Yeah, I thought maybe I would get in trouble or something, but instead my teacher told me I would get an ‘A’ for the semester.”

Anticipatory men have been seen adjusting themselves more frequently than usual and a few even camped outside Clyde’s with their sleeping bags and porn calendars last night. One dedicated camper was seen washing off and shaving in a library bathroom.

Nothing like this has happened at UCCS since last year’s incident involving a group of students who petitioned for the right to bring their pets to class. If a success, the topless dancers will most likely become an official club and will grace next year’s basketball halftimes. S

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Make your life suck less by visiting Quit uccsscribe.com

If you have the FLU, you may be interested in participating in a clinical research study testing the safety, tolerability and effectiveness of a new investigational study medication for the treatment of all types of flu including the 2009 H1N1 flu (swine flu).

If you would like to participate in this study, please contact us as soon as possible. Your first study visit must take place within 48 hours of the first start of any of the following flu symptoms: • • • • • • • •

Fever over 100ºF Sweats or chills Cough Sore throat Runny or stuffy nose Headache Muscle aches Extreme tiredness or fatigue

To qualify, you must be 18 to 70 years of age and meet certain requirements. You will receive all study-related medical care and the ivestigational study medication at no charge. Participants may be compensated for their time and reimbursement for study-related expenses may also be provided.

The study doctor will explain the study requirements and the possible benefits and risks to you before you decide to participate. Contacting us does not mean you have to participate. Participation in this clinical research study is completely voluntary. You are free to withdraw at any time for any reason without penalty or loss of benefits and without effect on your future health care.

Expresscare Clinical Research Gary Tarshis, MD

719-597-4200 ext. 115