Nov. 16, 2010

the

Scribe

November 16 to November 22, 2010 [Volume 35. Issue 12]

Dinneris served.

Pages 8 & 9

Inside this issue...

Double Edge Theatre presents ‘The Chagall Tales’ (page 7)

UCCS student gives back (page 6)

‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’ (an online special report at uccsscribe.com)

Braaaaaiiiiinsssss Page 2

Editor-in-Chief Avalon Manly According to a quiz on the Random House site for “World War Z,” I have a 43 percent chance of surviving the zombie apocalypse.

If I couldn’t fine a way to remain uncontaminated by zombie pathogens, The Oatmeal warns that it would take precisely one hour and four minutes for me to succumb to infection.

My mom asked me last week, as we watched a few moments of AMC’s new show, “The Walking Dead,” “Why are zombies to popular right now?”

First, thank you, AMC, for providing me with inspiration for a column.

Way to be useful for once in your life.

I proceeded to provide my mother with an explanation that was probably way too in-depth and involved than the question warranted, but that’s not because I am, for lack of a better term, a zombie nerd. I’m just a former philosophy major who hasn’t quite lost all affection for interpreting broad cultural phenomena as a commentary on the fears and worries and curiosities of a generation.

Zombies represent some very deeply set worries that our age group holds concerning our world.

We didn’t build the world in which we live.

We simply inherited it.

We don’t know all the cracks through its foundations, and we don’t have any frame of reference for what bits of it require maintenance and replacement as time goes by.

We worry, therefore, about its inevitable but unpredictable downfall.

We tread that subtle line between the social order of the world we have accepted, and the post-apocalyptic anarchy that could result from a dramatic shift in the way we live.

Zombie movies (and books and video games and all the rest) allow us

to experiment with that shift. We log that knowledge away, just in case the world as we know it decides to end and we suddenly have to survive in a vastly different way.

Sometimes, it’s as if there’s a separate area in my brain dedicated solely to surviving in a postapocalyptic world. For some reason, I know that in the event of nuclear fallout, you have to dig off the top 18 inches of soil in order to reach uncontaminated earth. Likewise, I know that in a widespread disaster, water, gasoline, food and ammunition become the most soughtafter commodities, and that the very first thing you should do when push comes to shove is fill every container in the house, including bathtubs, with clean water, because the plants stop functioning in a matter of days after their tending ceases.

I know that the best way to vacate a disaster zone or quarantine area is by foot, through the Rockies, and that here, in Colorado Springs, we’re granted both the military advantages and population-related disadvantages of our placement between NORAD and Denver.

I don’t know why I know these things. I don’t really know where I learned them. All I know is that, like the rest of you, there’s a special compartment in my brain where I keep information about how to stay alive in the instance that our world comes crashing down around our ears.

As much as we fear such a ruin of our world, we are also darkly curious of such. The idea of a post-apocalyptic world enchants us, where everyone is both hero and villain and where frivolous activities are eliminated: everything we do would be integral to our survival.

That gritty, gray alternate future enchants us like a car accident where there’s just a hint of blood on the shattered glass and we simply can’t look away.

But, pending the apocalypse, zombies become little more than cannibalistic, bullet-studded escapism, no?

Wrong.

Zombies, like other culturally popular myths before them, provide us a lens through which we can view and understand our own humanity.

editorial

Through the idea of the zombie, we can ask ourselves questions like, What is it, exactly, that makes us human? Is there anything in this world that could destroy that? Is there some line within us that, once crossed, eliminates anything that makes us fundamentally different from even the simplest animal life forms, thoughtlessly seeking nothing but satiation?

Literature from the early settlement of America is rife with the fear of cannibalism. The ingestion of human flesh is, almost universally, so basely abhorrent that those who participate in such activities are ostracized and shunned; it is somehow something foul and averse to our concept of humanity.

Zombies are the ultimate personification of that aversion. They stumble, unable even to retain a basic semblance of bipedalism; they cannot speak, to express higher thought; they cannot feel pain, a humanizing quality; they share no bonds, and break no bread together; they simply hunger, and seek nothing but the answer to their permanent, ravenous question.

In classic zombie lore, the infected eat brains.

What better commentary on those things about us that we wish to preserve, than to have a threat present against the organ of our thoughts, memories and plans? What greater evil than one that could possibly eliminate everything about us that keeps us, us?

Our generation has a tenuous enough identity as it is. We struggle to define ourselves as we struggle to retain the vestiges of who we choose to be, and the walking dead present us with a harrowing glimpse of what might lay ahead for us if we aren’t able to take a firm stand in ourselves. We would be doomed to wander.

Zombie stories are popular because they encapsulate our deepest fears and darkest curiosities, and provide us with a commentary on our world.

And, while we’re on the topic, I’m going to plug the notorious “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies,” because not only were there zombies, but there were ninjas, and honestly, what more winning combination could there be? S

November 16 to November 22

the scribe The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs

Editor-in-Chief.........................................Avalon Manly Managing Editor........................................Jessica Lynch Business Manager.....................................John Christian Advertising/Sales Manager..........................Luis Hidalgo News Editor.........................................Catherine Jensen Culture Editor.........................................Brock Kilgore Athletics Editor......................................Matt Crandall Opinion/Scribble Editor...........................Cherise Fantus Photograhy Editor.................................Ariel Lattimore Copy Editor.............................................Cherise Fantus Web Designer...........................................Dorian Rogers Layout Designers..........................................J.D. Osorio ....................................................................Shreya Raj Reporters...................................................Alex Cramer ............................................................Ryan Piechowski Photographers.....................................Carrie Woodruff ...........................................................Chelsea Bartlett .............................................................Michelle Wood Junior Reporters.........................................Amanda Putz ................................................................Kristin Garst .................................................................Sara Horton ...................................................................Amy Koumis ...................................................................Ryan Adams ...............................................................Corey Mensing .....................................................Wellington Mullings ..............................................................Jeremy Lengele Contributors...........................................Steven Farrell Cartoonist............................................................Arno Distributor...........................................Donald Trujillo Advisor.....................................................Laura Eurich ----------------Cover photo by Brock Kilgore----------------....“Harry Potter” Cover Teaser Coutresy of blastr.com....

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student life

November 16 to November 22

all aboard

failboat

the

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It could be an intercontinental missile test. Or a child’s toy. Or…an angry cat?

We don’t know. Stop asking.

On the evening of Nov. 9, a missile contrail was spotted in the sky above Los Angeles. While news studios there have determined the missile to have been launched about 35 miles out to sea just north of Catalina Island, so far the Air Force, Navy, NORAD and USNORTHCOM have all denied responsibility for or knowledge of such a launch, only deigning to comment that the missile was not a product of a foreign military and should not be interpreted as an attack against the US. Former U.S. Ambassador to NATO and former Secretary of Defense Robert Ellsworth said of the contrail video, “It could be a test firing of an intercontinental ballistic missile from a submarine — an underwater submarine.”

But all it wanted was some fish sticks!

SPLATFest 2010

Police in Anchorage, AK released a statement last week encouraging the public not to use Tasers on bears unless their lives or personal property are threatened. This statement comes on the heels of an incident in July of this year, during which an off-duty Anchorage officer used about 100,000 volts to chase a bear away from his fish-fryer. Lt. Dave Parker reported that after pumping enough juice through the bear to run a hybrid car, the bear “inverted,” falling from the porch with its feet in the air before fleeing. That same bear is believed to have been shot and killed the next day after trying to break into another house in the same area.

On Nov. 27, join the UCCS SPLAT Club and others at the 15th annual LAN Gaming Event.

This tournament, which features rounds of “HALO: Reach,” “Starcraft II” and “COD Black Ops,” will start at 10 a.m. and continue through the next 13 hours. Free pizza and beverages will be provided, and all ages are welcome. More than $1,500 in prizes will be distributed.

FTW

“If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.”

-- Frank Zappa

Fill out the sudoku puzzle below so that each row and column contain the numbers 1 through 9 with none repeated. Return it and the adjacent crossword to the Scribe office when finished; if you’re the first one done (and they’re done right), you’ll be awardPuzzle (Hard, difficulty 0.69) certificate to Jives Coffee Lounge. ed 1with a $5ratinggift 8

7 3

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Accio Potter!

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Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Thu Aug 26 20:02:42 2010 GMT. Enjoy!

ACROSS 2 Alas, earwax!

3 Tom Marvolo Riddle 4 This house is reserved for the heroes.

6 Didn't you read it?

8 Best used against dementors.

11 The language of serpents.

12 You don't need bleach-blond hair to be in this house.

13 A great getaway for students, as long as you get your permission slip signed.

DOWN 1 Dedicated to fight Vold-uh, "hewho-must-not-be-named."

5 Luna Lovegood's father's wizarding tabloid.

7 The perfect potion for spies.

9 Perfect spell when something is just out of reach.

10 Perfect for hiding bits of souls.

news November 16 to November 22

Page 4

VAPA’s fall concert series begins Catherine Jensen cjensen2@uccs.edu At the end of every semester, the Visual and Performing Arts (VAPA) Department hosts a UCCS Music Program Concert Series. This year’s fall series will begin on Nov. 17 and will continue through Dec. 12. The concert series features student musicians in various ensembles exploring everything from jazz to traditional Balinese music.

VAPA student Elizabeth Erickson said that if music is your emphasis in VAPA ,you are required to participate in an ensemble. Erickson, who is a member of three different ensembles at UCCS, said, “Playing in different ensembles stretches my ability as a musician. I try to expose myself to as much as possible.” In addition to participating in ensembles, Erickson teaches private lessons to six students and hopes to continue to do so when she graduates.

Iputu Hiranmayena, VAPA student and drummer, said that though excited

about all music, he is most looking forward to the Balinese Gamelan Ensemble performance on Nov. 17, where he will have the opportunity to share music of his Indonesian culture. The Inter Arts Improvisation on Dec. 4 will also be fun, he said. At this performance, each artist will have the opportunity to explore music as they would like. Hiranmayena said he will be asking people from the audience to play instruments they have never played before, to explore their perceptions of music.

Hiranmayena, who will be graduating in May, has enjoyed majoring in music.

“People think majoring in music is taking the easy way out, but the program does a lot for UCCS. We have to train and take lessons and practice a lot. Students majoring in music know that there might be no money in it but the money isn’t important. The music is.”

He added that the ensembles try to do a variety of on-campus and off-campus shows and encourages people to come to what they can. All ensembles are free and open to all. S

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The News Editor retains a position on The Scribe’s editorial board and is responsible weekly for gathering and selecting story ideas, editing and producing content, managing reporters and remaining current on all campus happenings. This position works very closely with the Managing Editor, Editor-in-Chief and various section editors.

Applicants must be skilled in journalism, Associated Press guidelines, management and working against deadlines. Previous experience preferred. Position interns until January 2011, at which time the anticipated schedule will include approximately 12 hours per week at hourly pay and piecework awards. If interested, please email a cover letter and resume to scribe.eic@gmail.com.

Assistant Layout Designer

Previous newspaper experience is preferred. Intimate knowledge of Adobe software (especially InDesign and Photoshop) is required. The Assistant Designer will work closely with the Senior Layout Designer, Managing Editor, Editor-in-Chief and various section editors. Applicants must be capable, creative, flexible and work well in teams. Anticipated schedule includes 10 to 15 hours per week at hourly pay. If interested, please email a cover letter and design portfolio to scribe.eic@gmail.com.

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This job requires footwork, navigating among potential advertising customers throughout the city. The Assistant Ads Manager will work closely with the Advertising and Sales Manager, Managing Editor and Editor-in-Chief. Previous experience in public relations, sales and/or advertising preferred. Applicants must be good with people, professional, capable; have access to reliable and consistent transportation; and anticipate working 10 to 15 hours per week for hourly pay and a to-be-determined commission. Please email a cover letter and resume to scribeadvertising@ gmail.com.

Photographers

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Dates not to miss

MUS 2200 Balinese Gamelan Ensemble Wednesday, Nov. 17, 7 p.m.

Upper Lodge Made Lasmawan, director

MUS 2250 Jazz Ensemble Thursday, Dec. 2, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium Brad Bietry, director

MUS 2400 Chamber Music Ensemble Friday, Dec. 3, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium Dr. Jane Rigler, director

MUS 2310 VAPA Vocal Ensemble Sunday, Dec. 5, 3 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium Gayle Grace, director

MUS 2350 Jazz Vocal Ensemble Sunday, Dec. 5, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium Gayle Grace, director

VAPA 390 002 Inter Arts Improvisation Saturday, Dec. 4, 7 p.m.

Upper Lodge Dr. Glen Whitehead, director

MUS 2500 Composition / Improvisation Ensemble Thursday, Dec. 9, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium Dr. Glen Whitehead, director

Music Faculty Contemporary Music Ensemble

Friday, Dec. 10, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium featuring VAPA Music Students Composition premier by Dr. Benjamin Carson, University of California, Santa Cruz with Dr. Rhonda Taylor, Saxophone, University of New Mexico Los Cruces

VAPA Music Student Recital Saturday, Dec. 11, 7 p.m.

Centennial Auditorium

VAPA Music Ensemble Collage Concert in the Round Balinese Gamelan, Jazz Vocal, Jazz, VAPA Vocal, Chamber, Pep-Band Sunday, Dec. 12, 3 p.m. reception to follow

1 out of 5 students may be impacted by abortion.

If you are one of them...

...you are not alone.

Free counseling for any student affected by abortion.

“I was 16 years old when I had an abortion - now over 35 years ago...I had no idea how much it impacted my life until decades later...”

Whether you’ve been impacted, or you know someone who has, the first step is to just connect - and start a conversation.

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Lee Martin, M.A.B.C, M.B.A., B.S. Pharm.

(317) 410-6749 leemartinco@comcast.net 12 years counseling related experience

November 16 to November 22

news

Page 5

OSA asks student body to decide band for spring concert Sara Horton shorton@uccs.edu With hopes of clear skies and increased revenue, the Office of Student Activities has compiled a list of potential bands for the spring concert. While last year dealt with rain, thunder

and lightning, students and members of OSA remain optimistic and encourage students to vote for their favorite artist or band. The choice is yours.

In an attempt to connect to the diverse student population, genres such as country, hip-hop, rock and Indie, are included.

“We are excited about all of these acts,” stated Mitch Karstens, program coordinator at the Office of Student Activities.

Karstens explained that a survey for the bands was posted on Nov. 15 on the Office of Student Activities’ Facebook page and website (www.uccs.edu/

osa). Based on the survey results, coordinators will then approach those artists receiving the highest number of votes and hash out a concert proposal.

All decisions regarding the concert will be made following the student vote.

These include the time and date of the concert. Jointly,

the price of admission will depend on this decision and the more high-profile the band, the higher the price.

Still, tickets are expected to range from $15 to $20 for students. The Office of Student Activities is funding the event with anticipated ticket sales and its programming budget, but

And now, the artists competing for your votes...

Photo Courtesy of Moses

Atmosphere

Genre: Hip-hop http://www.myspace.com/atmosphere

Photo Courtesy of pghroots.com

Decemberists

Genre: Indie Folk Rock http://www.decemberists.com/

Photo Courtesy of countrymusictattletale.com

Jamey Johnson

Genre: Country http://www.jameyjohnson.com

Photo Courtesy of bighassle.com

Citizen Cope

Genre: Alternate Rock http://www.citizencope.com/

Photo Courtesy of newcenter.com

Mat Kearney

Genre: Rock and Folk http://www.matkearney.com/

Photo Courtesy of blog.suntimes.com

Janelle Monae

Genre: Hip-Hop and Pop http://www.janellemonae.com

coordinators are currently seeking a sponsor to help lower ticket prices. If there are further questions about the concert or sponsorship opportunities, the Office of Student Activities may be reached at (719) 255-3540 or at their office on the first floor of the University Center. S

Photo Courtesy of GQ

Cold War Kids

Genre: Indie Rock http://www.coldwarkids.com/

Photo Courtesy of beyondrace.com

Mike Posner

Genre: Hip-Hop and Pop http://www.mikeposner.com

Photo Courtesy of americanidol.com

Josh Gracin

Genre: Country http://www.joshgracin.com

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 Read the review online at uccsscribe.com

news Page 6

Freshmen Lightfoot lends a helping hand Corey Mensing cmensing@uccs.edu Diagnosed with asthma at a young age, freshman David Lightfoot used his experience to enhance the lives of others. At the age of 19, Lightfoot is the successful leader of a non-profit organization and has impacted both his community and the wellbeing of deaf children in Honduras.

Before moving to Colorado Springs, Lightfoot lived in MicKinney, Texas. It was in Texas that he first struggled with asthma, and while he was heavily involved in sports and his competitive edge made him stand out, his asthma held him back. “I was never able to run as long as the other guys,” said Lightfoot. His prescription to Singulair, which should have aided in his breathing, caused him to suffer from insomnia, instead.

Lightfoot attended Rampart High School while also running a college-age Christian youth group. The group was taught using the “True U” curriculum, a study focused in Apologetics and understanding what it means to believe in God. He hosted sessions at his home during the summer, and he was also part of International Baccalaureate (IB), an organization motivated to create a better world through education.

Although he had traveled to Honduras before, Lightfoot’s involvement with IB enabled him to run a soccer camp as part of his sophomore project.

However, Lightfoot was looking for an even greater way to make an impact. During his se-

nior year, he founded the non-profit, “Heart for the Children.” The non-profit is very much family backed, and his younger brother is the co-president.

To view the nonprofit, visit heartforthechildren. webs.com.

On one trip to Honduras, Lightfoot and his nonprofit assisted the Happy Hands School, the only school for the deaf in the nation. “Anybody can go to an elementary school and teach math; not everyone goes to Honduras,” said Lightfoot.

The purpose of the school is to make deaf people productive members in society. This task proved difficult as Honduras has traditionally treated deaf people poorly. Part of helping the deaf Hondurans included involving the children in sports. “You don’t have to be able to hear to play soccer,” he said. The organization would also play charades with the students.

Lightfoot plans to return to Honduras in the summer of 2011 and will help the Happy hands School once again, as they intend to expand the size of the school. At this point, the school has little land to work with and will be building up on existing infrastructure. As well as helping with the improvements, Lightfoot will come laden in supplies and money.

For Lightfoot, helping is not just something you should do; it is a passion.“It feels good,” he explained. With time, the nonprofit will be completely certified, but until then, Lightfoot continues to plan for and prepare

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YOU WILL READ THE SCRIBE ONLINE.

November 16 to November 22

The news in brief Wildlife sightings increase across campus

On Nov. 10 at 8:30 a.m. student Gina Davis was parking at the Church on Acacia when she saw what she said resembled a lynx. “I was just walking through the parking lot when I saw it,” she said. “I thought it was a cat at first and then I thought, that’s a big, furry cat.” According to Davis, the animal was the size of a medium dog.

After taking a test, Davis used the University Center phone to call public safety and report it around 11:00 p.m. According to Public Safety Officer Larry Darnall that whatever it was was probably “long gone by now and nothing to worry about.”

S

UCCS heads processional to Cheyenne Mountain

Photo by Ariel Lattimore

David Lightfoot, freshman, leads a non-profit organization and uses soccer to help deaf kids in Honduras.

future projects. The organization looks forward to consistent funding to make this possible.

For people wanting to start their own nonprofit, Lightfoot advises them to do the research and understand the challenges and difficulties involved.

“There’s a lot of responsibility in it,” he said.

When Lightfoot began, few adults supported his efforts and so it is important to be self-motivated and willing to stand alone. Lightfoot’s parents, however, supported him the entire time. Despite the risk, Lightfoot encourages others to try, but to take it seriously. “It was the best decision I’ve ever made,” he added.

Lightfoot’s accomplishments were recognized when he won Merck’s Will to Win scholarship this fall. “[David Lightfoot] was chosen because he has been able to successfully manage his asthma while making a significant contribution to the community by found-

ing a worldwide nonprofit organization. We are happy to award David a Will to Win Scholarship and hope that others with asthma will not let the disease hinder their abilities to accomplish their goals, said a Merck representative.

Lightfoot is now part of the Chancellor’s Leadership Class (CLC) at UCCS. He is one of four freshman currently involved and volunteers 70 hours per semester.

He enjoys spending that time with Volunteers for Outdoor Colorado (VOC) because he “love[s] being outside,” he said.

In his spare time Lightfoot enjoys being involved in his church and has also worked at Chick-fil-A since he was 14. He hopes to become a manager soon and be financially stable and selfsustaining by the end of college. Prospects for his major include business administration, international business and management. S

NOW HIRING! See the main ad on page 4 for details!

A support beam from the World Trade Center, which has been housed at UCCS pending the designing of a monument to those who fell on Sept. 11, 2001, by senior engineering students, is travelling to Cheyenne Mountain on Nov. 17 in a processional involving police cars, military vehicles and fire trucks. The processional will begin at 9:30 a.m. and travel from UCCS to Cheyenne Mountain in order to transfer the ownership of the beam. Appearances will be made by Chair of the CU Board of Regents Kyle Hybl and UCCS Chancellor Pam Shockley-Zalabak.

Four senior engineering students are heading the design for the memorial: Andrew West, Faithe Hausman, Matt Martin and Michael Suppes. Each of them was in middle or high school, and remembers the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, and the events of that day. In fact, West will travel to Ground Zero in New York in order to capture the feelings of that day and attach meaning to his project.

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Beth-El opens nutrition clinic Beth-El has opened the Peak Nutrition Clinic, a clinic designed to “assist healthy people who want to make improvements in their life,” reported Communiqué on Nov. 12. The clinic’s goal is to help students, faculty and members of the community meet health goals by combining multiple factors as varied as personal food preferences to lifestyle and work choices, the report said. Under the direction and supervision of Nanna Meyer, registered sports dietitian and assistant professor in Health Sciences, graduate students will create plans to help individuals meet goals. Goals may include everything from improving stamina to learning healthy ways to deal with health problems like diabetes, heart disease or osteoporosis. UCCS faculty and staff will receive a $10 discount on the $65 per hour fee. Individuals will be charged on a fee-for-service basis. The clinic will be working cooperatively with both the Student Health Center and the University Counseling Center to help students improve both mental and physical health and performance. According to Communiqué, Meyer hopes to attract faculty, staff and students – as well as Colorado Springs-area athletes.

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Graffiti in UC, Columbine Hall restrooms There has been a cache of inappropriate drawings depicting male genitals in the men’s restrooms in both the University Center and Columbine Hall.

Employees at the UC Information Desk have taken complaints regarding the drawings, with some students confessing offense and worry about how they will be handled. Info desk employee Matt Sidor said he is “used to seeing [graffiti] in men’s bathrooms...,” but that doesn’t make it any less abhorant.

Sometimes, the drawings are done in permanent ink, so facilities employees are required to paint over them in order to clean up the restroom walls.

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- Scribe Staff

culture Double Edge Theatre teaches acting students to fly November 16 to November 22

Brock Kilgore bkilgore@uccs.edu Double Edge Theatre’s three-week residency at UCCS will culminate in the debut of “The Chagall Tales” at the Dusty Loo Bon Vivant Theatre in University Hall on Thursday.

During the last few weeks, during preparation for the show, UCCS theater and music students have had the unique opportunity to train and create with members of a theater company that specializes in living the creative process.

Kevin Landis, theater director for the Visual and Performing Arts (VAPA) Department, wrote his dissertation on Double Edge Theatre – and on the farm in rural Massachusetts where the cast and crew actually “live” their particular brand of full emersion theatre.

About Double Edge’s residency at UCCS, Landis said, “The idea is not really that we are presenting a play. It’s not going to be ‘Hamlet.’ It’s a process of imaginative work. The reason[s] Double Edge is here [are] one, is they are a great company, but two, is they are working with the advanced actors at UCCS in their course on physical theatre.”

Physical theater is unlike all other feats of the

Page 7

stage. Actors are challenged by rolling around on giant spools, spinning on fabric silks and dealing with circus objects and a giant moving tent.

Representing Double Edge Theatre here at UCCS is actor, playwright and clarinetist Matthew Glassman. He said, “Our process is to do original theater that is really based on the autonomy of the actor. The actor, not only as an interpreter of a script of a playwright, but the actor as [the] artist that creates and imagines, and brings to life that imagination. They need to be highly tunedin with the other actors, so when we train, we are training the group to work together. To learn how to breathe together, to work in [a] hyper-aware and hyper-connected way.”

Glassman described a situation where intense physical practice and the creative process are intimately connected, “The process comes from physical training, where this is the process of becoming tuned and connected and aware of oneself and each other. Physical training leads to improvisation, and the writing of the performance happens in the course of improvisation as well as the creation of what we call ‘atudes,’ or short studies. The actors are also researching a lot

outside of training and bringing their own proposals. Then that material that gets generated gets put back into the improvisation and the training, and a type of work that takes it beyond the realm of ideas and into a much larger, all-encompassing, living, breathing world.”

The play that the advanced acting class will perform will be loosely based on the Belarusian French artist Marc Chagall.

on a cross-country road trip with Ethan, his dog Sonny, and the coffee can containing the ashes of Ethan’s recently deceased father.

For a road trip movie, “Due Date” is nothing new.

Peter and Ethan have predictable adventures consisting of car crashes, random pit stops and run-ins with the law. Thankfully, “Due Date” is made memorable because of the cast rather than the plot. Peter is a wet rag throughout the movie, but Downey, Jr. still manages to make his character a laughable, frustrated wreck. Downey, Jr. gets multiple opportunities to show off his comedic chops, and he takes advantage of every single one.

Galifianakis was even more impressive in this film. He portrays Ethan with a perfect balance of obnoxiousness and vulnerability, the latter of which

shines when he mourns his father’s death. Galifianakis is a natural comedian, and I only wish he would pick up more roles that boast his skills in drama. Nevertheless, Galifianakis makes a name for himself as a serious actor. He depicts a likeable character facing a very real and somber fear: loneliness. No matter how cruelly Peter treats him or his dog, Ethan endures for the sake of company.

“Due Date” explores the relationship between two seemingly different people; through their adventures they realize they are more alike than first believed. Combine that with lots of laughs—mostly had at Peter’s expense—and you have paved the way to a predictable, but fun ending. Give “Due Date” your consideration at the box office as it is just as funny as it is heartrending. S

Photo by Ariel Lattimore

Two actors challenge themselves to live the creative process in preperation for “The Chagall tales.”

Comedy flick balances laughs with emotions Sara Horton shorton@uccs.edu Comedy can be a difficult genre to review. Not everyone has the same sense of humor, so “Due Date” can either make your eyes roll or your stomach hurt from laughter. My reaction was somewhere in-between.

While “Due Date” is different than director Todd Phillips’ last movie, “The Hangover,” it is a comedy immersed in emotions.

“Due Date” focuses on Peter Highman (Robert Downey, Jr.), a high-strung architect whose wife is due to give birth in less than a week. When Peter attempts to fly to Los Angeles and be at his wife’s side for the delivery, he lands himself on the no-fly list after meeting aspiring actor Ethan Tremblay (Zach Galifianakis). Out of options, Peter is forced to go

Glassman explained, “The work of Chagall is a dream world. There’s flight, and there are transformations, and there’s color and music, and myth and story. It’s really important to have a process that can enable the actor to really have their ideas and imaginations take flight.”

Chagall is the central focus, but Glassman continued, “It is going to be based on several stories from ‘The Arabian Nights’

and from the Russian folktale or the folklore surrounding ‘The Firebird,’ as well as drawing a little teeny bit from Chagall’s biography. These were stories that inspired him. We are going to be taking the spirit of his creativity and his art for ourselves. Not to represent his work, nor to represent the stories as he did. But to sort of dream the stories in a way that maybe he was dreaming, but in our own way.”

The Chagall Tales Double Edge Theatre in collaboration with VAPA Dusty Loo Bon Vivant Theatre in University Hall Tickets are free for UCCS students or $5 to the public at theatreworks.org November 18 through 20 at 7:30 p.m.

Sunday, November 21 at 4 p.m. with “Laboratory Theatre in America” lecture and a Q and A at 5:30 p.m. S

Photo Courtesy of mccoyonmovies.blogspot.com

“Oh, my God. We just hit Scarlett Johansson. Samuel L. Jackson is going to be so freaking pissed.”

Movie Review “Due Date” Starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis R for language, drug use and sexual content

Thanksgiving: It’s Brock Kilgore bkilgore@uccs.edu The colloquialism “gravy” can be applied to any happening that occurs outside of or beyond everyday expectations. Too often, our world presupposes the everyday – like gravy as something naturally included in a Thanksgiving meal. This, however,

is not necessarily the case.

The modern American food product called gravy came about as something to do with the grease that cooks out of meat. Assuming, of course, that there is something to catch the grease before it dribbles off into the fire.

The modern American cliché, “gravy,” comes from the same idea. Imagine eat-

ing turkey, dressing and mashed potatoes without gravy. Besides being decidedly un-American, life without gravy would be much less fun.

Now imagine the human experience, say, two hundred years ago. Imagine what gravy meant then. Without in-depth research it is impossible to say exactly, but I do know it was a simpler

The first Thanksgiving a Don’t worry, Turkey Day is an excellent time to learn about yourself and others. The best way to endure and enjoy any holiday away from family combines cooking something substantial that could

be sid pl al

How to have a f Thanksgiving aw Cooking Thanksgiving for one person

Cooking for one is difficult because small portions are hard to make. Thanksgiving is special because it is meant to be a feast – even for one.

The following recipe is authentically American because it combines ingredients that are both native to North America, and were eaten by Native Americans. Corn, beans and squash are called “The Three Sisters” because they were so vital to the indigenous world. Even the plains tribes that primarily hunted buffalo had trade links to the agricultural societies to the south and east.

It combines both the important native agricultural products and the buffalo. Fresh ingredients can be substituted for the canned, and whatever dried herbs on hand can be substituted for the Italian seasoning.

The ultimate Thanksgiv ily is an “Orphan Thanksg friends. After learning how what you make is easily sh Most non-family Thanksgi include the basics, but eve with gravy.

The following recipe is It can be an expression of things you have to offer. F dients like green chilies, sa things that make you who

Joseph’s Fine Dining 1606 S. 8th St. 630-3631 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.

Reservations suggested The old Maitre D at the Broadmoor’s Penrose Room offers a Thanksgiving feast that rivals the excellent, but overpriced buffet at his old haunt. By serving turkey, prime rib and salmon entrée plates at $20 to $23, instead of a $40 buffet, Joseph Freyre is able to keep costs down and offer a decently priced meal in a fine dining environment.

Edelweiss 34 E. Ramona Ave. 633-2220 11 a.m. to 8 p.m.

Reservations suggested In addition to their “regular” huge German comfort food menu, Edelweiss offers turkey, chestnut dressing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, yams, fresh veggies, and a German salad or butternut squash soup for $18.50. If a nice beer-drinking somebody else is buying, try the one-liter glass boot filled with one of the Warsteiner beers for $30.

s all in the gravy time when gravy was really something extra, and that everything we have today is like the gravy of yesteryear.

Ponder the things we don’t need. I could be writing with a stick in the dirt and a whole cross-section of Americans could be employed lining up wooden blocks with rubber stamps to print this paper, but I’m not, and they’re not.

The world has moved on.

The modern conception of gravy has changed, but fortunately the thick and salty sauce has not. As a perpetually poor student, gravy means more to me than what I slather on top of Texas toast, mashers and roast turkey – it means a little time for me, and my conception of family.

College usually means leaving home for the first

time, and it often means either spending Thanksgiving alone or finding friends to spend it with. The following guide is meant to show students how to cook Thanksgiving dinner for themselves, cook something to share with a group of friends (otherwise known as an “orphan Thanksgiving”), or find a decent restaurant at which to enjoy Turkey Day.

away from home

e relished alone or shared, cooking an excellent de dish for an “orphan holiday,” or finding a decent lace to eat out. The following suggestions combine ll three.

family-style way from home

ving away from famgiving,” or a group of w to cook for oneself, hared with new friends. iving gatherings will erything is always better

s more than just gravy. yourself and the extra Feel free to add ingreausage, whatever… you are.

Best restaurants for Thanksgiving dinner

Sometimes a small or new group of friends, or a lazy family, are better served by going out for Thanksgiving. Turkey Day is notoriously stressful on family dynamics, not to mention those without a family; and cooking is difficult, always has critics and clean-up sucks.

Chinese food is an option if the neighborhood dogs eat the turkey like in “The Christmas Story,” but the following restaurants offer Thanksgiving specialty comfort food, at student-friendly prices. They are listed from fancier surroundings at decent prices, to the basics at bargain basement prices.

Black Eyed Pea 501 Garden of the Gods Rd. 548-9417 11 a.m. to 8 p.m.

Recipes from Brock...

Brock’s Best Gravy 4 tbs butter 1 small sweet yellow onion chopped thick 1 rib celery chopped thick 1 carrot peeled and chopped thick 1/3 cup flour 2 14.5 oz cans chicken, beef or veggie broth (about 4 cups) 1 teaspoon Italian seasoning or other dried herb 2 bay leaves Lots of pepper Salt Add the butter, onion, celery and carrot to a medium sauce pan, cover and cook over medium-high heat for five minutes.

Uncover, reduce the heat to medium and cook for five minutes stirring constantly. Add the flour and cook another five minutes, still stirring constantly. Add the broth and seasonings and cook for about 20 minutes, stirring constantly. When done, filter the gravy through a strainer to remove veggie pieces, and press them thoroughly against the inside of the strainer using the back of a spoon to remove all liquid.

Three Sisters and a Brother Soup ½ sweet yellow onion 1 lb ground buffalo 1 small zucchini 1 small yellow summer squash Salt and pepper 2 cloves garlic crushed or chopped 1 14.5 oz can beef broth 1 15 oz can pinto beans or green beans (drained) 1 15 oz can corn (drained) 1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes 1 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp Italian seasoning or other herb Salt and pepper Carefully chop the onion, zucchini and squash, and mix with the ground buffalo, salt and pepper in a medium pot. Cook over medium high heat for five minutes, or until meat is browned. Drain the beans and corn and add the garlic, beef broth, tomatoes, cumin and Italian seasoning or other herbs to the pot, then cover and simmer over medium-low heat for 20 minutes. Salt and pepper to taste.

I am not a fan of chain restaurants, but this place is close to UCCS and will be easy to attend on short notice. They have a turkey, ham or pot roast dinner for $14 and don’t take reservations.

The Waffle House 755 W. Fillmore St. 475-2726 Open 24 hours a day, all year long In a pinch, the Waffle House provides. For $11 you can get a t-bone steak with either two eggs or a salad, their famous hash browns and Texas toast.

Comfort food for any day.

culture November 16 to November 22

Page 10

Winter driving tips: Take precautions and stay aware Brock Kilgore and Amanda Putz

bkilgore@uccs.edu and aputz@uccs.edu

Above: Only an emergency kit complete with Spongebob and Hello Kitty bandaids can save your life.

Below: Give your engine some attention, like its a puppy, and it will love you forever.

The woes of winter driving are well on their way back. The black ice, frozen windshields and terrible drivers, oh how we haven’t missed you. According to Colorado statistics nearly 70 percent of winter deaths attributed to snow and ice involve motor vehicles.

The chilly combination of Colorado’s unpredictable weather and steep roads mean that students who commute must expect the unexpected, and must never underestimate how bad the roads can be. The following tips will help keep you safe, and will keep you car from sliding.

Pack an emergency kit The state suggests that an automobile emergency kit should contain: jumper cables, reflective triangles, a blanket, a nonperishable high calorie food item, flashlights and extra batteries, a first aid kit and a car charger for your cell phone.

It doesn’t hurt to keep an extra jacket, clothes and a candle with matches as well.

Make sure that your car is fully serviced and in good working condition Unless your dad, friend or you really know about auto maintenance, or are willing to spend significant time learning; this should be done by a professional.

Most of what needs checking is done during a full service oil change, but go ahead and get that oil

Photos by Ariel Lattimore

change done by a real mechanic and ask them to do a winter safety check as well, usually for the same price.

Tires make all the difference in the world, but they are also expensive. Normally, it is recommended that you at least rotate your tires every winter, that way they are uniformly worn down and have more traction.

Things to check consistently all winter long Even though a beginning of winter service is absolutely necessary, fluid levels change, so there are a few things that need constant attention. Checking your oil is very important.

Low oil can overload the starter motors at the very least, and can eventually ruin the engine itself. They do sell winter grade oil, which is useful, but as long as you make sure the level is correct, the regular stuff should be fine. Add a little if it is low.

For the cooling and heating systems, make sure you have a sufficient amount of antifreeze in your vehicle.

Antifreeze is a chemical added to a liquid (water) to lower its freezing point.

It’s inserted in the radiator to prevent cracking, an expensive mistake. You should have about half antifreeze and half water and it should be changed every 2-3 years.

Also make sure your tire pressure is where it needs to be. This information can

be found on the side wall of the tire or in your owner’s manual.

Brakes and windows: Your best friends and worst enemies Braking on ice is the

hardest thing to learn about winter driving. The problem is that the natural impulse is to slam on the brakes, which causes the car to slide out of control.

Gently pump the brakes to find traction and learn to feel the anti-lock brak-

ing system do the same.

Also try to keep the tank at about half full and resist the urge to use your cruise control, for it can be harder to stop.

If your windows are fogged, and you cannot see, please do not drive.

Make sure you clear all the previous snowfall off your car and wipe your windshield clean of frost. If you know you’re in a hurry, try to be patient and start your car a couple minutes early so it can warm up, and the ice can melt. S

athletics

November 16 to November 22

Page 11

Soccer seniors bid farewell DEFENDER

MIDFIELDER

DEFENDER

GOALKEEPER

DEFENDER

MIDFIELDER

Jaron Stewart Frisco, TX

Jacob Magistrelli Woodland Park, CO

Jordan Hacker Yakima, WA

Adam Lisewski Mesa, AZ

Michael Mason Colorado Springs, CO

Ryan Piechowski Los Angeles, CA

What was your most memorable moment?

Last game of the year, CCU, because it was my last game and I went out with a hat trick.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

Being a part of this team and the memories shared with my teammates over the last three years because it was a privilege to play college soccer.

What song gets your day going?

“Some Chords” by Sam Adams.

What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

Despite the results, we were a very talented team with a lot of character. We had a lot of new faces, and hopefully we left something behind for the guys to follow who have eligibility left.

What was your most memorable moment?

My most memorable game was the last home game against Adams State. Even though I got injured late in the second half, we still won the game and ended the season on a good note.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

The most important moment of my career was the first college game I ever played in.

What song gets your day going?

“My life” by The Game.

What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

We gave it our all.

What was your most memorable moment?

My most memorable game was against CSUPueblo last year. It was memorable because we won 3-2, and it was a back and forth game the whole time. We came out on top, and it’s always nice to beat our rival.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

The most important moment would have to be beating Colorado College in overtime this year.

Overtime wins are just more exciting.

What song gets your day going?

“Evening Chai” by Blue Scholars.

What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

I want people to remember that we worked hard all the time. That our results didn’t reflect the talent we had this year.

What was your most memorable moment?

The most memorable game was when we played Metro State my freshman year, because it was my first career start and I made numerous saves even though we lost.

I’ll never forget that game.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

Over the last four years playing, UCCS men’s soccer has given me lots of great memories on and off the field and created life long friendships.

What song gets your day going?

“I’m on a boat.”

What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

We were all close, even through all the “stuff” that we went through.

What was your most memorable game?

The game against Colorado College this year was my most memorable. In city rivalries are always pretty tough games and the fact that it was in overtime on a Friday night in front of the best crowd all year was really memorable and a great start to my senior season.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

This year’s home game against #11 Metro State.

Not only because we won 3-2 in overtime, but it was probably the best game individually, and as a team, we played in my four year career at UCCS. What song gets your day going?

“I got it” by Gorilla Zoe’s What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

That this group of six kids was dedicated to UCCS and the soccer team. And to each other for the time we spent together, and that we represented our school and helped to build the soccer program.

What was your most memorable moment?

Beating #11 Metro State at home in overtime my senior year. I had never beat Metro in my four years of playing, so a win in the last game ever against them felt awesome.

What moment of your career was the most important to you?

Earning my first career start was a great moment for me. I was not sure if I’d even be playing college soccer coming out of high school. So working hard and finally getting called up to the starting squad was a huge deal to me at the time.

What song gets your day going?

“Keep your head up” by Tupac.

What do you want people to remember about the UCCS soccer class of 2010?

We were really close, most of us coming in three or four years ago. Most of us were here for all of coach Ellis’s years so we are a lot closer than most senior classes.

•

• •

2010 Notes: Jaron played and started in nearly every game in his collegiate career by starting 56 out of 57 games.

Named RMAC Player of the Week on Nov. 2.

Scored a hat trick during the season’s final game.

• •

•

2010 Notes: Played in 11 games with two starts for the season.

Took eight total shots with three shots on goal recording a shots-on-goal percentage of .375.

Prior to coming to UCCS, Jacob was called “the heart and soul of our team” by Woodland Park High School Coach Andrew Papadakis.

•

•

2010 Notes: Started in six games and competed in nine total games.

Recorded one assist and took two shots on goal.

•

•

•

2010 Notes: Adam ranks third in UCCS history with 281 saves over his career.

He also ranks fourth in UCCS history with 13 career wins.

Ranks third in the UCCS single season record book for saves recording 134.

•

2010 Notes: Tied for first in single game record book for assists (3).

•

2010 Notes: Started 10 games and played in 17 of them.

He had one goal and one assist on the season.

athletics November 16 to November 22

Page 12

Despite season ending playoff loss, Women’s Volleyball was a success this year Ryan Adams radams3@uccs.edu After a decent season, the Mountain Lions Volleyball team hoped to take advantage of their playoff seed by playing a beatable team; unfortunately, however, a different story unfolded.

The team’s hopes for an RMAC title were dashed by a Mesa State Maverick team that came ready to play.

The Mountain Lions were defeated 3-1 against a number two seeded Mesa State (23-25, 2517, 25-20, 25-19).

Things appeared promising for the ladies in the first five minutes of the game, but Mesa State proved to be too powerful for the seven seeded Mountain Lions.

Mesa State created a lot of errors early on with five out of UCCS’ seven points coming from errors. They quickly overcame the nerves, though, to create a 13-10 lead over the Mountain Lions.

UCCS came all the way back to win the set with key kills by juniors Molly Crockett, Alex Nuttall, Jenica Shippy and senior Nicole Pederson. The Mountain Lions won the first set 25-23.

Mesa State stormed back, building an 8-1 lead with key kills by senior Meagan Bosch and eventually creating

an 18-10 lead over the Mountain Lions. UCCS couldn’t storm back for the second set, with Mesa winning 25-17 and tying the match 1-1.

Aces continued to pour upon the Mountain Lions, as Maverick senior Whitney Howard got two and kick started her team to a jump out lead of 13-7. Just as it was in the regular season, the resilient Mountain Lions busted back into the picture with Pederson and sophomores Lindsey Stich and Nikki Kinzer leading the charge, putting UCCS on top 17-16.

Mesa State replied with a 7-2 run that ended any chance for UCCS to win the tie-breaking set, and the Mavericks won the set 25-20, sticking the women in their first hole of the game.

The Mavericks jumped out to another big lead, once again putting the Mountain Lions in a six point deficit for the first part of the fourth set.

UCCS tried with a mighty effort to pull close, but Mesa shot it down with kills and aces to go up 18-8. Mesa could not put out the fire, however, and let the Mountain Lions crawl back within three points at 19-16 with kills

by Shippy, Pederson and junior Sonja Johnson.

That’s all the irrepressible lady Mountain Lions

Photo Courtesy of Rick Gorham

Freshman Erika Cushnie makes a hard dive for the dig in their game against Mesa State.

could muster, as they fought back throughout the match. The Mavericks put up five killer points that put the matchup at game point. UCCS tried

to fend off the defeat three times, but the Mavericks prevailed, winning the fourth and final set 25-19. Player highlights included stellar perfor-

mances from Alex Nuttall, contributing with 13 kills and 10 digs, while Nikki Kinzer added eight kills. Senior Kendall Utz wrapped up her Mountain

Lion career with a team high 11 digs, while senior Nicole Pederson concluded her collegiate career with seven kills and four assisted blocks. S

As the last of his kind, Favre announced this will be his last season Matt Crandall mcrandal@uccs.edu His hair begins to turn silver and gray; his face shows signs of youth slipping away, and middle age begins shadowing over his once towering frame. His injuries don’t heal quickly like they did 10 years ago; his energy has slowed down dramatically and on the surface he just isn’t as good as he once was.

Yet through all the physical signs, his body screams incessantly telling him it’s time to let the life of football go, he laces up his cleats, throws on his pads, drapes the number four purple jersey upon his torso like a mythological god, and pops his helmet on mirroring that of an ancient warrior. This is all he has known for the last 30 years of his life; the game of football is what he will be remembered for, and his legacy will go down as one of the best to ever play the game.

He’s the Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen of my generation: An American icon of hope; a raw, picture perfect sym-

bol of built-to-last toughness and a purity of the human soul and human condition that no matter what life has dealt you or what you are faced with, you suit up, show up and get to work.

In 2003, just one day after his father passed away, he took the field against the Oakland Raiders when some told him to take a break and grieve. He grieved alright. He stripped away the multi-million dollar contract, the thousands of supportive fans, the Monday Night Football showdown, the cameras, the spotlight and the attention and took the field knowing his dad, who saw him play in every game from fifth grade to the pros, was watching him; was with him and would always love him.

He went out and played one of the best games of his career, throwing for 399 yards and four touchdowns, leading his team to a 41-7 victory. He dedicated the game to his father and added another fairytale ending that could only be written in a Shakespearean dramatic play to his long list of accomplishments. I remember tearing up watching the post-

game interview and hearing him almost give the picture perfect eulogy of his father on national television after a game he went out and just played for his dad.

Brett Favre made it official Nov. 11 to Steve Mariucci of The NFL Network — he officially will not return for the 2011 season. After the last few years of riding the fence whether to come back or retire, this year will be his last. What’s left of this season will be the final chapter of Favre’s career, and no matter what the case may be, I guarantee he continues to play every game like he has for the last 19 years. He’s Iron Man Brett.

Despite the lewd text message scandal weighing over him with some bimbo from the past, football fans, sports fans and all those in between need to watch him play the rest of the season. Whether or not the Vikings make the playoffs, much less win another couple of games, we will be on the brink of watching one of the most competitive, toughest and honest athletes begin his descent into the sunset after 20 seasons in the NFL. We will still get to see him make a few more

touchdown passes and great throws as an old dog and at the same time, see him pump his fists, hug his teammates and have that childish grin he always displays of hope, excitement and faith.

When someone’s life is defined by a single moment, they change the concept of time forever.

Favre will triumphantly experience this the moment he takes his helmet off after the Vikings final game of the season; the world will watch a man walk across the field, appearing to walk gracefully across a body of water, where he will exchange words to fellow and opposing teammates alike, and in that brief two minutes the world will witness the end of an era. He is the last of his kind; there will never be another high-caliber player like him.

Favre has been America’s quarterback; he wears Wrangler jeans; he’s the kid from next door and he’s the “other” dude that swooped in to steal Mary away from Tucker, Dom, Healy and Ted in “There’s Something About Mary.” He’s a good man. He’s Brett Favre. S

November 16 to November 22

opinion

Page 13

Winter driving for dummies

Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu With winter fast approaching, I am beginning to dread the winter driving season. I am not worried about snowy or icy roads, nor my ability to handle them. I am concerned with my ability to control my temper when I encounter other drivers who have no idea how to handle the fluffy white powder.

According to bouldercounty.org, 70 percent of snow- or ice-related deaths involve motor vehicles. Many of those are certainly caused by circumstances out of the

drivers’ control – black ice, a deer in the road or a runaway semi. A large portion, however, are caused by sheer stupidity.

From what I’ve witnessed during my first Colorado winter last year, many Colorado drivers have never bothered to learn to drive – well, ever – but especially in the winter. Either they have moved from another state where there is no snow in the winter, or they have chosen to stay home all winter and never bothered to learn how to drive safely. Either way, I fear for my life when they are on the road.

I am from North Dakota. The winters there are nothing like the winters here. For example, it doesn’t snow one day and melt the next, as it does here. There is a constant layer of snow on the ground, generally from the months of October through April. That

layer is usually a few feet deep.

It snows frequently, so while the city plows the streets on a regular basis, there is often snow and/ or ice on the roads. Everybody who drives has to know how to drive in such conditions because they have to get to work and school. If North Dakota drivers simply chose to stay home when the road conditions weren’t optimal, the entire state would have to shut down for the duration of the winter months.

I have driven through blizzards where I couldn’t see more than 20 feet in front of me, through ice and snow and unplowed streets. Needless to say, I get very annoyed when people freak out when there are a few snowflakes.

I have seen too many people brake around curves when it is icy. I’ve watched them slam on

DEAR DEVI US DU f

Photo Courtesy of ourbc.com

Driving yourself off the road can be avoided by not being so stupid

their brakes when they hit a patch of snow or ice because they think they need to slow down to be safe.

I’ve watched people drive 20 miles per hour in a 45 mile-per-hour zone out of fear, making it dangerous for those who are driving at a reasonable, yet safe speed.

The rules of winter driving are actually quite simple. Slow down, but be reasonable. If you must drive at a ridiculously slow pace, stay in the right lane so those drivers

who are traveling at a reasonable speed can safely pass. If you encounter ice, the best thing to do is to do nothing. Don’t brake; don’t slow down; don’t yank the wheel. If you must slow down, ease off the gas and brake gently if necessary. Never brake around curves. Travel at a safe speed at all times.

Braking around curves is the easiest way to lose control, if that’s what you’re trying to do.

I realize that most of these tips are pure com-

mon sense. I only wish that the general population possessed the kind of common sense it takes to conquer as simple a task as driving a car.

Since that wish can never be granted, I would instead urge everyone, especially those completely lacking in the common sense department, to take a winter driving course.

Not only will it make my life a lot safer and my blood pressure a bit lower, it will also decrease your insurance rates. S

Last weekend I went out with some friends to a bar. Before entering, we agreed to create back stories that were semi-ridiculous and funny. Basically, the goal was to convince girls to sleep with us under bizarre aliases and personal stories.

Initially, all went according to plan - for me at least. The girl was sweet and loved hearing about how I’m in law school and working with the Legal Aid Society, helping to free innocent people in jail. However, when I tried to talk her into coming back and fucking me, she declined and said she really liked me and wanted to hang out again, but doesn’t do this on the first night.

We have been texting back and forth for the last several days and are planning to get together this Saturday with some friends. Unfortunately, I’m starting to like her, and obviously the relationship has no future predicated on my fictitious story. However, it is clear that I could pull the story off for one more night and fuck her.

What should I do?

Dear Pants-on-Fire,

Dear Legally Horny,

I’ve got to jump straight to the end of your letter for just a second: You say that you’re starting to “like her,” whoever this poor girl is, yet you continue on to say, “It is clear that I could pull the story off for one more night and fuck her.”

Obviously you don’t like her at all. You want sex.

Great, now that we have that out of the way…

All you have to do is keep up your little game and you should be home free, right? One night of no-strings-attached pleasure! You’ll wake up in the morning and be completely free!

Er, no. If you’re starting to have some sort of “feelings” for her (not counting the throbbing feeling coming from your nether-region) then odds are she is developing feelings for you. The “real feelings” that you’re not feeling. The “oh we’d make such a great couple” feelings. This is bad… no, terrible, news for your little plan. Have you thought out your escape route for when you either: A. Turn the girl down by telling her you were lying about everything you said, or B. Turn the girl down by telling her you never really liked her, and that you only wanted sex?

I didn’t think so.

Look, I get it: It’s sex. It’s built into our man-DNA to chase down the women-folk and do what must be done. But this is the 21st century, and we all have to have a moral compass. Maybe this situation isn’t crossing any of your personal boundaries, but try to at least keep the girl in mind, too. …Alright, I’ll bite: you really are developing some of those “real feelings” we were talking about earlier for this girl.

If you really do like her, come clean. The relationship will more than likely come to a devastating end. But really, you deserve it. If she was starting to like some pre-law, social-activist hero then let her go out and find that guy. When she wants the bar-trolling liar, she’ll come back and find you.

-JD Osorio

First of all, awesome idea – in theory.

However, with that said, couldn’t you have picked a more interesting alias, like a neurosurgeon or someone who saves endangered animals for a living?

Now that’s a panty dropper.

Freeing innocent people? Yawn, stretch, quiet snores.

Your situation presents two courses of action: Continue lying and see how far it gets you – a bed, car, kitchen table or bar restroom, or you shed your guise and tell the truth. The latter should be done on your hands and knees and if you can, try to look humble so she understands the severity of your dilemma. By choosing to tell the truth, expect a slap to the face. It’s only fair.

If you decide to continue lying, work in a few unexpected phone calls requiring your presence in court, do a little research so you know your jargon and be ready to work the charm. (At least for another 48 hours.) Play it cool, don’t rush things, and if you get her drunk enough, making a visit to “Anchorman’s” Pleasure Land shouldn’t be out of the question.

Still, with all this said, it’s important to consider the value you put on sex.

Based on this elaborate plot, I imagine it’s been awhile. The virgins and dryspellers of the world feel for you.

However, if she is dumb enough to believe you, then I think you have a bigger issue at hand – a gullible bimbo who doesn’t do it on the first date. Clearly you associate with classy people.

There is, of course, the possibility that you are simply a skilled, if not professional, liar.

In which case, there’s no turning back. So go ahead, sleep with her and move on. Be careful, though, because not all women are so simple-minded, and the next one who sees through your lies will most likely land you in the critical care unit.

If you survive this unscathed, I will, of course, offer you my deepest apologies and utmost respect.

Considering the likelihood of that happening, however, I’m not going to hold my breath.

-Jessica Lynch

Have a question about relationships, love or...sex? Email your query to the Devious Duo at scribeonsex@gmail.com.

opinion November 16 to November 22

Page 14

Corruption in the ranks of CU Boulder

Stephen Farrell sfarrell@uccs.edu

So what do you get when the University of Colorado’s Board of Regents approves a 9 percent increase in your tuition dollars, coupled with the failure of the coach of the CU Buffaloes football team, Dan Hawkins, who led the team through a five-year losing streak?

Your answer: Corruption. Corruption at its finest, folks; and it comes in the form of a $1.8 million payoff (with your tuition dollars) to Hawkins for completely failing at his job.

Now, I’ll just begin by mentioning that the initial reason for state-wide tuition hikes was a result of state lawmakers slashing university funds by over $600 million, according to the Huffington Post.

Obviously the school system requires a certain level of funding to operate its activities through

faculty/staff salaries, educational programs, scholarships and management of facilities.

And to keep the university operating at a normal pace, a certain amount of extra compensation is necessary in the absence of over $600 million of state funds. Thus, tuition hikes.

I mention this tuition increase for two reasons: First, to establish the understanding of why college is quickly becoming less affordable in Colorado; and second, to amplify the impact of the rhetorical flogging that I’m about to deliver to Hawkins in the following paragraphs. What can I say? Some people just have it coming.

Now let’s get to why it’s OK for almost $2 million of your tuition dollars to pay for Hawkins’ failures. According to the Denver Post, the $1.8 million represents the owed payment to Hawkins through an extension to his contract.

That’s right: some genius official somewhere in the CU system actually saw it necessary to extend this guy’s contract to the tune of millions of dollars (originally) for leading a college football team

to disaster. But I won’t focus so much on the idiot who placed this hefty price tag on the substandard coach; because after all, Hawkins ultimately chooses whether or not to accept the payment, knowing full well that he should be coaching a peewee league instead.

It wasn’t until recently that CU decided to get rid of Hawkins for his horrendous performance after the Buffaloes experienced a 35-point thrashing in the fourth quarter against the Kansas Jayhawks. However, the outrageously high price

sica, the basketball player, the athlete. I have been characterized by my sweat stained t-shirts and unlaced Nike’s. Because my name is so common -- although my parents swear they were being creative -when groups of people referred to me it was always, “Oh, you mean the one that plays basketball?”

Sometimes, I was even described by my smell.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a little late to class because I had come straight from practice, and not ten minutes into the lecture the girl sitting next to me loudly proclaimed, “God, it smells like B.O in here!”

I think she was talking about me.

I now wear an extra coat of deodorant, every single day.

Since then I only smell like tulips, rainbows and butterflies. Well, when I remember to shower on a daily basis. If I look like I just rolled out of bed, I probably did.

Still, I must make my

point. While I have turned my nose and brushed off the slightest notion that I could be nerd material, the truth is, I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone to force feed me a web comic.

Oh, and the first bite was tantalizing. And now I’m hooked, like a worm to a fishing rod, like a 13-yearold to Justin Bieber, like a fat kid to the very last cookie. And while I would like to vehemently shake my head, I am mid-morph and soon I will emerge as a beautiful comic based on the importance of grammar.

And so, more than anything, this article is a cry of acceptance and a shout of redemption. It’s time to love each other for who we truly are, even if it means watching “Star Wars” -oh, shudder -- for the sake of a friend with good intentions.

If I come to school looking dazed and confused with a little drool dribbling from the right side of my mouth, you’ll

Photo Courtesy of thequad.blogs.nytimes.com

Please memorize this face of failure so if you see him you can kick him directly in the shins.

Nerdgasms unite!

Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu Right now, at this very second, I am slowly but gradually turning into a freckly, curly-haired nerd.

I blame this entirely on my newest friends.

Because here’s the thing: Five years ago, I would have scoffed at the possibility. I was a jock; I wore sweat pants and cutoff shirts to class. When asked to share something interesting about myself I always said I was on the women’s basketball team.

It was my go-to answer. It was reliable and I knew I would be accepted, if not revered, for my response.

For as long as I can remember I have been Jes-

will be required of CU in order to honor Hawkins’s contract in the wake of his ouster. Then to top it all off, this guy has the gumption to tell you, the hardworking/financially struggling student who just experienced a 9 percent tuition increase this fall, “I failed at my job, now give me $1.8 million,” by agreeing to accept this payment. It’s just offensive. And let me also add that if it seems like I’m making this guy look like a villain… it’s because he is.

There is an overwhelmingly huge problem with

corruption in this country, and it stems from the sense of self-entitlement.

We see it on Wall Street with CEOs of bankrupted companies accepting millions in bonuses, in Washington with dishonest politicians who have the nerve to run for re-election, and, of course, with one CU football coach.

Yes, you, Hawkins. And if you had even a shred of respect for students, or even for the majority of your players as students, you would instantly decline most of the payment on your contract.

But Hawkins likely

won’t. Why? Because he harbors that very same sense of self entitlement.

And as a result, Hawkins is corrupt.

People like Hawkins are a plague on America.

They not only take what they do not deserve from ordinary people like you and me, but in doing so they also deliver a message to younger generations that is it perfectly okay to do so. They encourage corruption, which in turn encourages distrust and dissent amongst many others. With that having been said, shame on you, Hawkins. S

Photo Courtesy of yarro.ws

“Search for someone wearing a...whatever-trooper costume!” -Jessica Lynch (She’s still working on the Star Wars aspect of nerd-ism.)

know why.

In the last few months, I have been introduced to Penny Arcade, The Oatmeal, xkcd and SMBC. Granted, for some of you, this is nothing new. But before this, reading “Harry Potter” was as nerdy as it got for me. And while I read “Twilight” like every other pathetic, vampireobsessed female in search of an abusive relationship, I’ve since upgraded to a book called, “Sunshine.”

Because of this book I now understand why Stephenie Meyer should live

in a cardboard box for the rest of her life.

I recently watched “V for Vendetta,” for the first time.

And although I have resisted and I have shut my eyes and made loud, cacophonous noises in protest, I’m starting to enjoy the literary jokes. In fact, I might even be developing an elitist mindset. Learning a new word is like experiencing a “nerdgasm” and I shake in satisfaction as the multi-syllable word rolls off my tongue.

The point of all this,

however, is not to lament about my eventual transformation, but to highlight the ways people are categorized. And the ways people characterize themselves. I was a “jock” in part because people knew me as such, but also because it was a safe, accepted way to describe myself.

We routinely group people, never truly understanding the individual. It is my hopes that while I am freely, unabashedly admitting a geeky tendency, it is not the only way to describe me, or anyone else. S

Scribble Cougar reeks havoc at Clyde’s

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.”

the

-Student Press Law Center

a chance to react before she brutally attacked.

“I couldn’t move; she had me pinned,” Petty recounted with tears in his eyes.

Leaving Petty in a mangled heap, the cougar moved inside the building to Clyde’s, where she moved from table to table, leaving several victims in her wake. Among them were Lance Henderson, 18; Jeremy Willis, 20; Ben Logan, 21; David Cox, 18 and Preston Olsen, 20.

“It all happened so fast,” said Willis, “I was just enjoying my mini corndogs, when all of a sudden, there was a cou-

Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu

A string of cougar attacks on campus last week has left students reeling. A total of seven students were taken victim in these horrendous attacks.

“I don’t know if he’ll ever recover fully. I can barely recognize him anymore,” sophomore Kreg Sanders said of his roommate, Shawn Petty, 19, a victim of the attacks.

The cougar was first spotted outside of the UC, preparing herself to pounce. The intended victim was Petty. The eyewitnesses did not have

The news in brief Don’t ask, don’t tell may be in our future

UCCS is considering instituting its own “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Since the policy has been so successful for the military for the past 17 years, the administration thinks it might be just as successful at UCCS. Chancellor Pat Shocker-Zanzabar thinks that it might make students more attentive. “They won’t be distracted, worrying if the boy next to him has a secret gay crush,” she said. If the policy is approved, the MOSAIC office will be closed down, and rainbows will be banned from campus. Students who feel the need to share their sexual identities will be transferred to CC. S

New study may change eating habits

Last week, the Department of Health released the results of a study, which showed that eating less causes people to lose weight. Much of the nation is completely shocked with these findings. “I read a book that said I could eat whatever I want and lose weight,” said senior Jennifer Plenty. She took that advice and has been eating nothing but fast food, but has not seen results. While a supersized triple cheeseburger meal has long been considered the healthiest meal, people are now leaning toward small salads, grilled chicken breasts and of all things, vegetables.

S

Crabs found in Boomer suit

John Bauer, who wears the beloved Boomer suit at sporting events, was treated for crabs last week. Bauer, a sophomore, discovered he had crabs early last week and immediately went to the Health Center for treatment. His girlfriend, sophomore Erin Green, was angry when she found out. After explaining that he caught them from the Boomer suit, though, she forgave him.

Head Cheerleader Rian Bawd also became infested with the parasitic insects after Bauer allowed her to try on the suit last weekend. Both are being successfully treated, and an investigation on how the crab lice got into the suit is underway. S

UCCS to institute peanut-free floor

Students in the dorms are being asked to move from the third floor in the coming weeks. After it has been emptied and sanitized, the third floor will become the only peanut-free floor in the dorms. “We want to make sure that those with peanut allergies will be safe on campus,” said Chancellor Pat Shocker-Zanzabar. Peanut products of any kind will not be allowed on the floor. Other students visiting the floor will have to go through a checkpoint, where any peanut products, as well as products that have been processed in plants that also process peanuts, will be confiscated. Those who have recently eaten peanut products will not be admitted.

-Cherise Fantus

gar all over me!”

She moved quickly, picking off victims one by one. Most of them didn’t even see her coming.

She eventually left, taking with her 21-yearold Stanley Hopper. By the time the police arrived at the scene, she was long gone with her prey.

Though she has not yet been found, police have been hot on her trail. A pink passion lipstick was found at the scene, which matched the markings found on the victims.

Police say she needs a lot of meat to satisfy her enormous appetite. They suspect she will be on the

Photo Courtesy of depts.washington.edu

Cougars are typically 40 years of age or older, are spray tanned and have an insatiable appetite for young men.

prowl again soon. Students should always be aware of their surroundings and travel in groups,

TOP TEN

Clubs to join to build your resume

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Bowling

Boxing Enthusiast Club

Ice Skating

Ultimate Frisbee Club

PETA

Wood Pushers

Dub Headz

True Gentleman’s Society

Knights of Narnia

College Republicans

-Scribe Staff

if possible. Her intended victims are males under the age of 25, but females are also urged to be vigi-

lant, as they may be in danger if they come between the cougar and her prey. S

Jessica Lynch

Perk products. Students living in the dorms will also have easy access to the tunnel, though the exact location of entry has yet to be decided.

Zanzabar believes these efforts will boost class room attendance and the school’s overall GPA. “I remember skipping class to roll around in the covers with a boy because I knew it would be too cold outside,” she explained.

“I could have been President if I’d gone to my politics class more,” she lamented.

Construction of an additional tunnel between the University Center and Dwire Hall will be finished mid-December.

If things go according to plan, a tunnel will be built to connect all major buildings on campus by fall 2011.

Jeffrey Humpfrey, a sophomore living in the apartments further explained, “This will give me an excuse to leave girls’ apartments early in the morning instead of staying to cuddle. I hate cuddling. Before, they all knew I didn’t have anywhere to go. Now, I’ll actually go to class. This is awesome.”

Both students and professors expect to spend long, unnecessary amounts of time in the tunnels. S

UCCS students soon to tunnel jlynch@uccs.edu In response to the coming winter weather, construction at UCCS has picked up the pace in an attempt to finish tunneling by late November. The idea was first proposed by Katie Toother, a senior engineering student. Toother’s inspiration, as she explained, started at an early age.

“When I was a little girl I liked to burrow in the snow like a groundhog. I would get down on my hands and knees and dig out places for the living room, bathroom and my bedroom.”

These early memories — or delusions — were brought to Chancellor Pat Shocker-Zanzabar’s attention last month after Toother was seen on her hands and knees in the lawn outside the Shavano Apartments.

With Toother’s guidance, a tunnel to connect Alpine Village to the University Center is currently underway. The entrance will be located next to the apartment’s trash bins and will travel in a straight line, with the occasional bathroom stop, directly to the mountain lion statue.

A coffee bar is expected directly beneath the Recreation Center and will carry Starbucks and Pikes

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