Sept. 3, 2009

t he scribe

The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

September 3 to September 9, 2009 [Volume 34; Issue 2]

New Events Center seeks to build UCCS takes steps community, accommodate growth to prevent swine flu

Campus News Editor Across campus new facilities are being built to accommodate the needs of an ever increasing student body and campus staff. One of them is a new Events Center. The Center, scheduled to open January 22, 2010 is going to serve as a facility for athletics, community events and campus programs.

The Center is located in the chaos of construction behind the tunnel which enables students to cross between the University Center and Dwire Hall.

Once completed, this new addition to campus will provide the university with the space that administration feels is needed to accommodate continual campus growth.

Campus events such as Career Day, New Student Orientation, academic conferences, student club

activities and others will be able to expand and make use of the new facility, said student and team member Emily Tamayo.

“We hope this facility will highlight the achievements of the creative, athletic and academic works of students as well as faculty and staff,” said Tamayo.

“We hope that any events that student clubs or organizations put together will finally have a central place on campus that will be easier to locate and recognize.”

One of the highlighted purposes of the Center is its ability to facilitate university athletics, according to University Center Director, Jeff Davis. “The students voted for this facility, they wanted a gym separate from the athletics gym that is in University Center.” When combined with the existing University Center gymnasium, student athletes will have access to three courts enabling three sports teams

to practice during the same time frame.

A larger center also means more seating. Campus growth, as articulated by the Events Center website, is the most essential factor in determining the need for additional seating. The University Center’s current gym seats 450 spectators. The new Events Center is estimated to house 1,200.

“The size of the group matters” said Davis, “We need to use the buildings to their capacity, and we can’t have a 200 people reservation in a building that holds 1200 people.”

Those who participated in the Program Plan process are also hopeful that the establishment of the Events Center will strengthen support for university athletic events and create a sense of community among students.

“The time has come for UCCS to take a premier position in Colorado Springs as the place people

Managing Editor

Ariel Lattimore

Construction workers work hard to finish up the new Events Center building in time.

Catherine Jensen

Tim Canon

go to see college athletics,” reads a statement in the Program Plan on the Event Center webpage- “The UCCS teams are doing great things and should be able to have the support of as many in the community as possible.”

The Center, like a majority of buildings on campus, is LEED certified. This will help save money and energy as well as decrease exposure to hazardous wastes. Tamayo concludes that this building is a testament to the power of the student body: Students voted for the athletic attributes as well as the LEED certification.

“We, as students, can shape the values of our campus and can see it applied in many ways through our involvement. We have a tremendous power and responsibility to where we call our academic home.”

Contact the writer at cjensen2@uccs.edu

As the H1N1 virus continues to progress, college campuses across the nation are taking action to reduce the risk of contamination.

On August 20, the US Department of Education sent out a press release informing universities of the danger and offering guidance for how to deal with the potential pandemic.

Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, quoted in the press release, said, “We can all work to keep ourselves healthy now by practicing prevention, close monitoring, and using common sense.”

“We know that some students may be affected

by H1N1. Our top priority is making sure that they have a way to get well, stay well, and keep learning,” he added.

The email then directs readers to a page on the Department’s website offering a series of links on different communication and prevention strategies for dealing with an H1N1 outbreak.

UCCS is taking steps to prevent the potential outbreak of this flu strain.

Stephanie Hanenberg, director of the Student Health Center, has even at this early date sent out a number of emails informing students, faculty and staff of the potential danger, and ways to prevent the spread of illness.

As early as 2007, Hanenberg presented at a campus

Continued on page 5

In the Middle

CAMPUS NEWS

CULTURE

OPINION

FEATURE

Campus to circulate tobacco survey page 4

The Colorado Springs burger trifecta page 10

But I’ve never wanted a new car

Club Superlatives pages 8 and 9

UCCS partners with Croatian university on civil security page 5

forum on pandemic prevention and the likelihood that a pandemic would hit in the very near future.

That presentation turned out to be timely, and Hanenberg says that it may have helped. “Hopefully, everyone was already at least a bit aware of what a pandemic could be and the likelihood of that happening in the near future.”

Last spring, as news of the swine flu began to spread, Hanenberg met with departments across campus and by April had high traffic areas in the school educated about the risks of H1N1 and equipped with hand sanitizer.

This summer, Hanenberg began a prevention campaign intended to inform students about ways to prevent infection, and that campaign has continued into the fall.

On August 27th, Hanenberg sent out a notice attached to an email to the faculty and staff email list.

In the notice, Hanenberg listed a number of ways to prevent the spread of H1N1, the biggest and most common of which seems to be simple hygiene.

“The simplest thing that you can do is wash your hands on a regular basis,” said the notice. “If you don’t have access to water there are hand sanitizer stations placed in high traffic areas around campus.”

Further tips include being careful to contain sneezes and coughs, and a warning against sharing drinks and utensils with others.

Time killers for the bored student page 11

page 7

SPORTS

PARADOX

UCCS athletics Adopted cougar more optimistic than mauls UCCS rankings suggest mascot page 14 page 12 UCCS men’s soccer team: revamped and retooled page 13

CONTACT | phone: (719) 255 - 3658 | fax: (719) 255 - 3600 | email: scribe@uccs.edu | website: www.uccsscribe.com

word of the scribe

2

September 3 to September 9, 2009

scribe staff

Technology in the classroom is my right

striving to present the truth to the students by creating an open forum for opinions and ideas

Executive Editor

Jackie Parkinson Executive Editor Today a friend told me that I might as well have my columnist picture appear with me staring down at my phone texting, emailing or checking random applications. Referring to my consistent need to be in touch with the world…this person knows me well.

After attending the first week of my classes, much to my dismay, I have stumbled across policy upon policy mandating that electronics are not to be used in the classroom. This includes cell phones, PDAs, laptops, iPods etc.

I rolled my eyes every time I saw or heard this policy—seemingly again and again and again.

Not because I was annoyed that I had to hide my texting, because I know for a fact I will not stop, but that even the people, myself included, who use texting as a vital tool in their everyday lives have been included in this measure.

After all, it is my prerogative to buy a cell phone, use my cell phone and carry my cell phone with me as I choose, and no class should take that right from me.

I speak of this right as my right as an adult, an adult attending college level courses at an esteemed university. I am responsible for my own actions and I take into account the repercussions of failing to meet the expectations of

my professors. With all due respect, I can meet these expectations and text my managing editor about a late article at the same time.

Also, with 43 people in one class I can guarantee you I can easily hide my cell phone under the desk to complete my task—so the policy’s mostly awash anyway.

“I speak of this right as my right as an adult” While cell phones can be used incognito, however, a laptop is another story.

If I bring my laptop to class, I am doing so because a) the class requires me to use software during the class, b) I can type twice as fast as I can write and the professor’s lectures too fast for me to keep up, or c) the professor requires me to come to class, but I feel that I learn the material easier on my own and therefore choose to show up to receive my participation points, and simultaneously keep myself occupied with something to pass the time.

Harsh as it sounds, or as disrespectful as it might seem, it is the reality for the majority of students on campus. According to the Office of Institutional Research, the average age at UCCS in 2008 was 23.6 years. We’re not stupid: We are well aware of the potential for being distracted by electronics in class (whether our own or somebody else’s), and should be treated as such.

After all, we are responsible for keeping up with readings, paying attention in class, studying for exams, writing papers and attending class. Shouldn’t we also be responsible for how we use our electronic devices to enhance our learning environment?

Technology has expanded our lives in the past decades and enabled us to have nearly infinite amounts of information at our fingertips. That information teaches us valuable lessons, from which we gain knowledge. And isn’t knowledge power?

If we are gaining knowledge from bringing electronics to class, then the policies that professors are enforcing simply do not make sense. The only argument I can possibly understand is the accusation that electronics cause distractions to the entire class, but that just brings us back to adult responsibility: Once again, we are adults, and if we haven’t learned how to cope with our inability to avoid distractions by now, isn’t it about time we did?

Also, with these distractions comes a level of disrespect toward the professor because we are not listening to their breakthrough teaching ability.

No harm intended: Not every moment of every class is a breakthrough, and if a student does not want to pay attention during class, it doesn’t take an electronic device to make that happen. Daydreaming is a significant vice that we all experience at one time or another, and last time I checked it doesn’t take an electronic device to daydream.

Contact the writer at jparkins@uccs.edu

Columnists

Jackie Parkinson

Managing Editor Timothy Canon

Tim Canon, Erica Doudna, Byron Graham, Greg Reilly, Veronica Raves

Reporters Ricky Dalldorf, Jim Holtz, Carrie Horner, Chris Medina, Lauren Mueller, David Owens

Copy Editor Randy Robinson

Culture Editor Avalon Manly

Opinion Editor Byron Graham

Campus News Editor Catherine Jensen

Sports Editor Matthew Crandall

Layout Editor Rosa Byun

Advertising Manager Sarah Tindell

Photographers Kiley Card, Ariel Lattimore, Carrie Woodruff

Layout Designers Alec Bishop, Chris Sheppard, Justin Soto

Illustrator Arno

Web Designer Dorian Rogers

Interning Reporters Patricia Cameron, Justin Case, Brock Kilgore, Chris Sheppard, Jessica Vaughan

Interning Photographers Shawn Cruse, Kevin Kassem

Distributor Donald Trujillo

Rants and Roars “To the library employee working last Sunday- If I’m not allowed to talk on my cell phone, neither should you.”

-Cat Jensen

“Way to go UCCS’ participation at The March!”

-Danielle Kennedy

“Why did I spend another 20 [SIC] minutes looking for a parking spot?”

-Rosa Byun “With Sodexo on campus, nobody will gain the freshman 15.”

-Overheard in line at The Lodge

If you have any rants and roars to contribute, please email The Scribe at scribe@uccs.edu

Archives

Additional copies of the current publication volume will be available in The Scribe office. The Scribe keeps issues from the past five volumes for internal use only. The Office of University Records will handle any request for additional issues from the past five years and beyond.

Letters to the Editor The Scribe strongly encourages Letters to the Editor. Letters intended for publication must not exceed 300 words, must be legible and must include the writer’s name and telephone number. Letters must be turned into The Scribe office, emailed or delivered to The Scribe mailbox in the ROAR office by 5 p.m. the Friday before publication. The Scribe reserves the right to reject Letters to the Editor that are libelous or obscene and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, grammatical or spelling errors and AP style guideline errors.

student life

what’s going on today?

mon.

sun.

6

7

Men’s Soccer @ Home vs.

Eastern New Mexico 1:00pm

Labor Day Holiday, no classes, offices closed

tues.

wed.

thu.

fri.

sat.

12

Labor Day Holiday, no classes, offices open

Ryan Bingham @ The Blacksheep TBA

FALL CENSUS DATE

Tobacco Survey @ Your campus e-mail inbox

Registration deadline for Flag Football and Soccer 4vs4 @ intramural sports

Jerry Seinfeld @ Pikes Peak Center 7:00pm

Darius Rucker @ Colorado State Fair, Pueblo, CO

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3OH!3 @ Colorado State Fair (Pueblo, CO) 8:00pm

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want to see your picture? email your photo of the week to scribelayout@gmail.com

9/3/2009 - 9/9/2009

PR failure of the week:

“UCCS football: Still undefeated!” ~t-shirt in the Bookstore email your quotes of the week to: scribelayout@gmail.com

sudoku! (very hard)

Arno

news in brief Cat food incident sees sorority cut off

instructions: i hope you know how to play sudoku because it’s been around for, like, forever, and it is a little suprising that you’re bothering to read this anyway. look it up online. google ‘how to sudoku.’ the first person to bring this completed sudoku will receive a schweeeet Scribe t-shirt. bottom floor UCenter rm. 106

CSU officials on August 5th permanently rescinded recognition of Zeta Phi Beta sorority’s chapter in Fort Collins. Allegedly, sorority leaders had been forcing pledges to eat cat food and undergo a series of extremely physically strenuous activities. No word yet as to whether university officials will attempt to ban cat food on campus as a result.

Equality in height: China’s affirmative action Angry basketball fans in China caused a Dream Basketball league game to be abandoned at halftime last week. The league, set up with a height limit of 1.88m (6’2) so that shorter men could compete, had allowed a 1.95m (6’5) -tall man to participate in a monthly final, despite allegations he was too tall to play in this particular basketball league. Setting aside the obviously paradoxical idea of a basketball league for short people, does .07m (3 in) really make a difference in an inferior basketball league?

4

campus news

Campus to circulate tobacco survey ticipants if they prefer a smoke-free environment, if they believe that tobacco is detrimental to one’s health, and if they would support a UCCS decision to limit smoking to only designated areas on campus.

results of tobacco and second hand smoke.”

Campus News Editor Other action is in place as well, she says. “We have had many events including a ‘Smoking On Sept. 9th all stuHot Date Night’ and coldents, faculty and staff laboration and partnerat UCCS will be receivships with our commuing a survey via e-mail nity coalition and other which will ask questions tobacco related events.” specific to the desire for Griesbach said if the a tobacco-free campus.

“The university survey goes through and The university began the results are in favor of working on efforts to began working implementing the policy, move to a smoke free en- on efforts to it could take up to a year vironment in 2005 after move to a smoke for such an effort to take the establishment of a effect. Policy would need Campus Tobacco Task- free environto be developed and cirforce. Though the goal ment in 2005 culated for review and of the Campus Tobacco input and then approved Taskforce is to have a after the estabby major structural comcompletely tobacco-free mittees, said Griesbach. campus, current policy lishment of a does not prohibit smok- Campus Tobac- The policy, if implemented, will apply to all meming, but requires that bers of campus including people be at least twenty co Taskforce” faculty and guests. Sarah feet away from all doors, Morris, a student inexits and windows while Dr. Barbara Joyce volved in spreading news smoking.

Griesbach at Beth-El about the survey, adds The survey, sponsored by the UCCS Campus College of Nursing & that because the policy Tobacco Taskforce and Health Sciences believes would be “tobacco free,” The Bacchus Network, that the survey is only a all tobacco products is part of the Colorado small step in the right would be prohibited on Collegiate Tobacco Pre- direction. “Many col- campus.

Students who particivention Initiative. The lege campuses are movpurpose of the survey, ing to go tobacco-free to pate in the survey may as defined by tobaccof- promote the health and enter a drawing to receive reeuccs.com, is to “assist well-being of students a gift certificate from the in determining the cam- and employees,” she stat- bookstore. The drawing pus interest in pursuing ed in an e-mail interview. will take place in early events November, according to a campus tobacco free “Educational policy and a supportive have been implemented the survey site. and effective campus to- to circulate policy and bacco control program.” to increase awareness re- Contact the writer at The survey asks par- garding negative health cjensen2@uccs.edu Catherine Jensen

September 3 to September 9, 2009

Paw Prints: One year later Scribe Staff In 2008, UCCS started a program known as Paw Prints which put a small fee on all printouts made on campus. Single-sided prints cost 6 cents a sheet and two-sided prints cost 8 cents a sheet, and students and faculty purchase a set number of printable pages as needed.

The goal of Paw Prints was to reduce waste and help lower rising costs by encouraging students to print less. Now comes an important date in Paw Prints’ short history: the first anniversary of its creation, and with it the first scrutiny of the program’s effectiveness.

While the IT Department has not completed its calculations for Paw Prints’ first year, what they have found so far indicates success.

According to Kirk Moore of Information Technology (IT), the school has re-

duced the amount of paper it buys for student printing by almost 200 cartons from the year before. From Jul. 1st to Dec. 31st in 2007, the school had to purchase 287 cartons of paper to refill printers. From July to December 2008, after the Paw Prints program was put into place, that number had decreased to 89 cartons of paper.

The program is not intended to be a burden on students, faculty and staff, but rather to save costs.

One of its more userfriendly aspects allows users who experience a paper jam or a printout tear during the printing process to speak with a lab advisor about getting a refund.

Of course, Paw Prints has not been immune to problems. As recently as last week, campus IT sent out an e-mail alerting students, faculty and staff that problems were occurring with the system, and that students who experienced

issues should talk to lab advisors submitting a refund.

One early change being made is the method by which students and university employees will be able to purchase printouts. Formerly, a “package” involving a certain dollar amount worth of printouts was purchased over the internet, and then billed to the buyer’s school account.

A new feature being developed for paw prints will allow users to instead purchase printouts with credit cards and e-checks.

Still, Paw Prints’ main goal was to simply lower the school’s continually growing costs. In this respect it has so far accomplished its goal. In light of this success, Paw Prints will likely continue as a program well into the future, although, as Moore explained, printing prices will continue to stay the same.

Contact the writer at scribe@uccs.edu

campus news

September 3 to September 9, 2009

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UCCS partners with Croatian university on civil security Avalon Manly Campus News Editor Earlier this month, six delegates from the city of Zagreb, Croatia, visited the Center for Homeland Security at UCCS with the hopes of creating a like program at their own university.

Five officials of emergency management at Zagreb and one university ambassador comprised the visiting group. They came to learn about NISSSC—the National Institute of Sci-

ence, Space and Security Centers, which is housed on the third floor of the new Science and Engineering Building—and especially the Center for Homeland Security (CHS), a subsection of NISSSC. UCCS offers a number of accredited programs through CHS at both the graduate and undergraduate levels of study. Many of these focus on homeland security and how people should best react on local, state and federal levels in the event of an emergency or natural catastrophe.

NISSSC and CHS work

closely with the many military complexes in Colorado Springs, most notably the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) and US Northern Command.

The University of Zagreb boasts upwards of 60,000 students annually in the city that is home to almost half the population of Croatia, according to Kurt Johnson, the recently hired head of CHS. In order to better provide for its citizens, the University of Zagreb is initiating a civil security program that will be very like UCCS’ own

The plan for swine flu (cont.)

Continued from page 1

A student recieves an immunization.

But, she said, the university’s most important goal is “just making sure people with fever stay home until the fever has subsided for 24 hours. That is the best way to minimize this outbreak and prevent further infection.”

Aside from Hanenberg’s early prevention campaign, she has also met with campus officials several times to discuss a possible emergency response. Among these officials is Director of Operations for Residence, Life and Housing Ralph Giese.

Giese told The Scribe in an interview that “we have a pretty good response at this point.” The meetings have produced some general conclusions as well as a more concrete response “Influenza Pandemic Plan.”

“Several years ago, university officials put together an avian flu plan. We got that out, dusted it off and changed and updated it based on more current information,” said Public Safety Emergency Man-

ager Brian Foltz.

“The plan is a breakdown of what the most critical departments need to be doing as well as guidance for everyone else, down to the individual teacher, student or employee as well.”

The response plan centers on encouraging sick students to stay at home or in their dorms until the fever has subsided for 24 hours. “In the meantime, we are willing to provide sick trays and work with folks to provide meals as well,” Giese said.

“If the student has the ability to go home they’d probably be a little more comfortable. But we’ll be willing to work with them either way.”

“Most people who get the flu don’t go to the hospital, they just stay home,” Foltz said, explaining that H1N1 patients typically feel like they’ve just been hit by a bad flu and need not panic.

“We’ve planned for making sure students just stay in their dorms, stay comfortable and treat the

Ariel Lattimore symptoms like you would treat any other flu: lots of fluids and rest.”

The Health Center plans to have vaccines available, but these will vary in amount depending on the national distribution plan.

In order to conserve these and make sure patients in the center are not exposed, Hanenberg said that students with fevers should first call the Health Center and go through a “phone triage” which will determine whether or not the student should make an appointment.

Most importantly, Hanenberg, Giese and Foltz, as well as the Department of Education website, all stress that simple hygiene, while no panacea, is the best way to prevent the spread of infection. This means washing hands, covering sneezes and passing on shared drinks or utensils could be the best way for students to keep themselves and others healthy.

Contact the writer at tcanon@uccs.edu

CHS. Adrian Majher, the deputy director of the office of emergency management in Zagreb, met Johnson as a student in Johnson’s seminar on transatlantic civil security in Germany at the George C. Marshall Center for International and Strategic Studies. Majher was intrigued by the idea of civil security, and was determined to partner with UCCS to create such a program in Zagreb.

Johnson made sure to note the differences between the post-9/11 connotation of a phrase like

“homeland security,” and what CHS and the program at Zagreb actually do.

“It’s a matter of semantics,” he says, “Civil security covers all manner of disaster…

Disasters don’t respect international boundaries.”

UCCS will “design, build and teach the first semester,” Johnson said of the master’s program in the Croatian capital, scheduled to debut in the fall of 2010. Courses will be offered online and in person, and both institutions seek to eventually have coursework accredited by UCCS and the University of Za-

greb, allowing for international recognition of those degrees.

Michael Perini, executive director of NISSSC, believes that the benefits for UCCS in this foreign partnership are numerous.

“It allows us to extend our reach across the globe, expands our reputation and keeps us a leader in the homeland security area,” he said.

Contact the writer at amanly@uccs.edu

Recycle this paper!

6

opinion

September 3 to September 9, 2009

The big truth about health care reform

Byron Graham Columnist Hi there reader. I couldn’t help but notice you’re staring at my huge assault rifle.

Yes, it is in fact an AK-47.

Yeah, the one Samuel L. Jackson said you needed if you “absolutely, positively had to kill every last motherf***er in the room.”

Why aren’t you listening

to the words I’m saying?

Could it be perhaps the giant gun I’m holding is distracting you?

On Tuesday Aug. 11th, President Barack Obama held a town hall conference in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. In attendance was William Kostric, an area man who joined antihealth-care-reform protestors with a handgun holstered to his hip. Days later, at a similar event the president was holding in Phoenix, Arizona, a man identified only as Chris B. gave an interview to a local radio station (whose DJ also wore a pistol) with an AR-15 assault rifle strapped across his shoulder, and a handgun in a leg holster.

Consequently, Chris’ was not the only assault rifle among the crowd.

CNN attempted to find out more about this Chris B. and discovered that he attends Friendship Baptist church, led by Pastor Steve Anderson, who delivered a sermon in which he prayed for the president to “die and go to hell” and “melt like a snail” during a church service before the town hall meeting, which should comfort the Secret Service. I mean, at least the man outside the school where the president is speaking attends a church where the pastor calls for said president’s death.

Rick Sanchez of CNN and Chris Matthews of

MSNBC have both devoted indignant, reactionary segments to the issues surrounding bearing arms to a political gathering, and over the course of several weeks on their respective news hours they’ve arrived at few conclusions regarding the legality of public gun display, having emoted their disapproval sufficiently to move on to another story I guess.

On a side note, I think this trend might be the crux of my contempt for cable news networks: Seemingly, the stories never conclude because the 24 hour machine must sustain its future programming, forever plugging an episode featuring sound journalistic anal-

ysis American television audiences so crave, providing someone to make sense of things, but by then another celebrity’s died or Barack Obama’s bought a new pair of shoes that Sean Hannity thinks are socialist, and buried the answers curious watchers seek.

I generally support protest as I think it’s brought about significant and demonstrable change in this country. Without protest we’d have no civil rights.

But these town hall protestors, particularly the gun enthusiasts, don’t have the same sense of purpose as the aforementioned freedom fighters.

None of their freedoms are at stake. Neither Wil-

liam Kostric nor Chris B. were arrested, and save a modicum of criticism from a few pundits, their actions have yielded no negative consequences. I would understand if these gun owners gathered outside a town hall where a nationwide firearms ban were being discussed, but this was a healthcare debate.

What do assault rifles have to do with a public health care option, aside from the 30,694 gun shot fatalities that occur in American hospitals every year?

Contact the writer at bgraham2@uccs.edu

Obama’s IRS brings USA to new era of blatant bullying

Tim Canon Managing Editor After months of legal battles and court hurdles, the IRS has finally succeeded in its bid to pressure Switzerland’s UBS AG, one of the world’s biggest managers of private assets, to turn over the identifications of more than 4400 American citizens suspected of tax evasion.

The good news is that the IRS itself suspects over 50 thousand of the bank’s customers of tax evasion, and that UBS has agreed to break confidentiality terms with less than a tenth of them. The bad news is that, for what will likely amount to a mere few billion dollars, the United States has entered into a new era of bullying and posturing.

It’s not as if the United States is not already a “bully” of sorts: Things like agricultural subsidies that severely hinder farmers in poor areas of the world

(like nut farmers in Africa) and attempts to pressure nations like China to run their economies in certain ways have long been the policy of the world’s only superpower.

But the politicians and special interests at least half-heartedly attempted to justify these policies.

Agricultural subsidies are saving the proverbial heroic farmer, a great American symbol, from total, devastating destruction, and getting China to do what we want—well, that’s just playing fair against dirty communists.

The difference in this new era is that the president and his tax collection agency have given very little decent justification for this attempt to pressure a foreign company to do what they want.

The only justification, in fact, is that there are tax dollars to be had in UBS’s accounts, which could help the U.S. federal government in a time of crisis.

But is a few billion dollars in revenue worth tearing to shreds the economic sovereignty of another nation, and destroying its most valuable economic asset in the process?

Switzerland’s banking sector is famous for at least two things: The gigantic

private assets it holds and its confidentiality concerning its customer’s accounts, information and records.

No other banking system in the world has such a history and tradition of providing a stable, trustworthy method of storing large assets.

Obama’s administration has single-handedly destroyed this great tradition, once a major asset to Switzerland’s economy, in a matter of months. And all for such a paltry amount of revenue.

If, hypothetically, UBS was willing to divulge the names of all 50 thousand suspected offshore tax evaders, some estimate that the IRS could confiscate over $100 billion—not a small chunk of money. Even if there were this much at stake, Switzerland’s sovereignty may still be in question if the U.S. were to pressure it to make some sort of deal to turn this money over.

As the deal stands, though, a mere $18 billion in assets will be examined, and only a fraction of this actually taxed. For this, the IRS is destroying the Swiss banking sector’s honorable tradition of client confidentiality. Not even

the practical “revenue” argument makes sense here—at least, not while the federal government is spending many times this amount on questionable stimulus projects.

Obama’s administration has no good reason to do what it’s doing to UBS and Switzerland. And as IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman recently implied in a statement, the president and his IRS minions could care less. “This agreement represents a major step forward with the IRS’s efforts to pierce the veil of bank secrecy and combat offshore tax evasion,” Shulman said

in the statement. “The IRS will vigorously pursue tax cheats around the world, no matter how remote or secret the location. And we will work with other governments where possible to obtain the information we need.”

Translation: “We know we missed a bunch of money, but we’ll get it, no matter where it is, and we’ll sue anyone who gets in our way. And if we have to twist their government’s arm, so be it…”

The single most disturbing thing about this—besides the intrusive power-posturing, the

greedy grab-bagging and the preposterous notion that destroying businesscustomer confidentiality is somehow a noble goal—is that most Americans don’t really care.

But they should. After all, if the president is willing to send his tax goons out after the sovereignty and credibility of, for all intents and purposes, the individuals and businesses living within Swiss borders—well, imagine what he thinks he can do to his own citizens.

Contact the writer at tcanon@uccs.edu

opinion

September 3 to September 9, 2009

MySpace: The perfect stage for your break-up drama

Erica Doudna Columnist In any relationship, honesty is always the best policy…and because I will not tell a lie, I’ll let you know that I’ve written and re-written this column too many times to count. Eh, break-ups and the craziness and drama. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my heart bruised a time or two. I started out by writing and trying to advise you, my peers, on how to handle a break-up with someone who is also your friend on MySpace (but I gave up on this, because honestly—I’ve never followed my own “mature” advice).

If I were trying to be mature, I’d write, “Don’t delete your ex, and just go about your life as usual— you’ll meet someone new and move on in time.” But I don’t agree with this. I pretty much hate that my ex (months later) has the audacity to want to be friends with me. In fact, my latest ex and I are not friends on MySpace, or anywhere else, and never will be; I had three shots of Patrón and hit delete long ago. Delete your ex! Set your profile to the highest privacy setting! “Change your name and your phone number.” Oops, wait… that’s from Sex and the City.

You don’t have to go that far, and okay—maybe you can stay friends on MySpace for a little while, or at least long enough for you to milk the drama for all it’s worth (and long enough for you to keep stalking your ex’s profile until you meet someone new). Before I did my house cleaning, I actually felt like I had to remain friends with my ex on MySpace. In doing

this, I noticed just how much MySpace gives us the opportunity to really revel in our heartache.

I know from loving Never Been Kissed that Shakespeare wrote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” Think about this for a second. It’s true, and in our day and age, MySpace is the most popular stage for all of our drama.

“The best possible way for your very own break-up drama to unfold is MySpace and through status updates”

The best possible way for your very own break-up drama to unfold is through MySpace and status updates, song choices and the Top Friends list. I love that I’m no longer just “In your extended network,” and my status often reads like, “Going to Whole Foods to flirt with that hot cashier.”

Mood: Amorous.

In the case of a break-up, you will see the most outrageous statuses ever posted. I’ve read heartbreaker boys who write, “Got mah eye on a bad one.” Mood: Aroused. Girls like to keep it simple with “Missing you.” Mood: Smitten.

If your ex is posting statuses like these, you know he or she wants you to be jealous, and he or she is posting this to get under your skin (and it should).

The hearts popping out of that smiley face’s eyes are hostile and downright hurtful. Fight back, and do what a friend of mine did: Find a friend of a friend of a friend to pretend to be the new person you’re dating. Many singles are more than willing to help out in these games; I’ve been a

fake MySpace girlfriend before, and it was actually kind of funny plotting how our artificial break-up would pan-out via comments.

The only reason I like MySpace more than Facebook is because it naturally allows for a song, and now even a playlist of up to ten songs, to adorn your profile.

Post break-up songs are the best. If you’re heartbroken, you’re either going to go to one of two extremes. The first is that of self-loathing (my sister once googled “most depressing break-up songs” and actually got results she ended up putting onto her playlist... such as How Can You Mend a Broken Heart by Al Green).

The second extreme would be songs about meaningless hook-ups, like “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. I’ve always been torn between these two extremes, so I try to find a song that encompasses both—a good example is Dashboard Confessional’s “Screaming Infidelities.”

In the end, the clincher for me was the Top Friends list. Post-break-up, I was quickly removed, and some new girl was in my spot.

Through my daily check-in (also known as “stalking” to the real world), I was able to see this girl work her way up to number one, which was something that I never did. By stalking the new girl’s page (hey... if anyone is dumb enough to have a public profile, it’s my Tom-given right!), I saw that the number one thing was mutual.

At this point, the entertainment of the drama and check-ins really fizzled out, and I realized that obviously this girl was just a better fit than me. So I had my shots of Patrón, I mentally wished them the best of luck and I hit delete…and I think most of us, when put into this situation, should eventually do the same. Just be sure to make the traditional “I’m so over the drama” status update afterward!

Contact the writer at edoudna@uccs.edu

7

But I’ve never wanted a new car

Avalon Manly Culture Editor The Consumer Assistance to Recycle and Save Act of 2009 (CARS), commonly called Cash for Clunkers, was a mad dash economic stimulus experiment with the goal of switching significant numbers of fuelguzzlers on the roads for more efficient 2008, 2009 or 2010 models.

Significant numbers it had. When the program came to a close on Tuesday, more than 700 thousand older vehicles had been crushed or shredded and replaced with newer models. Those who traded in their clunkers received about a $3 thousand credit toward their new car – as long as that car didn’t cost more than $45 thousand to begin with.

I used to drive a 1969 VW Bug. It wasn’t exactly pristine, but I could fix everything short of the axels myself, which is what ultimately convinced me to find a new ride. As long as I pulled over every so often to manually time the engine (which ran at the steady pace of a coked-out ex-con who just bumped off a 7-Eleven), that car could do just about anything.

New cars, though, have

this thing called “planned obsolescence.” It’s part of a clever business model wherein certain parts of a product are scheduled to wear out and require replacement within a certain period of time. And they’re parts you generally need, like the gears that raise and lower your power windows, or the sparkplugs in your engine. Planned obsolescence keeps you buying from the company that manufactured your car, because finding those parts anywhere else can prove nearly impossible – it helps keep their profit margin more or less steady, and hedged with returning customers.

So thousands of Americans traded in their older, if less fuel-efficient vehicles, to receive marginal financial assistance in obtaining a new, complicated, if slightly more fuel-efficient ride. That should make sense to no one but the automobile industry.

Effective economic stimuli are supposed to pump funds into the infrastructure. Cash for Clunkers has caused Ford and General Motors to up production for their third and fourth quarters, which is predicted to create or save 42 thousand jobs – at least until sometime next year, when the wave created by Cash for Clunkers dies down, and the industry is left in the same slump that caused them to go crawling to the government for financial rescue in the first place, which they in-turn used to pay their CEOs instead of average Joes.

The average mileage for

vehicles purchased using the Cash for Clunkers program was 24.9 MPG. My old Bug averaged 31 MPG. If the government and the car industry truly wanted to positively impact the environment and stimulate the economy via infrastructure, they would have had people trade in their gas-guzzlers for electric cars, their power plants for solar cells and their tiled roofs for suspended green lawns.

But instead, the government found a way to prolong the death throes of the automobile industry, and the automobile industry found a way to once more pad the paychecks of its higher-ups.

In 1983, John Schnatter sold his 1971 Z28 Chevrolet Camaro, and with the profits opened his own pizza business. Today, his chain Papa John’s is hugely popular, and franchises can be found nationwide.

Schnatter offered a $250 thousand reward this summer for the return of the beloved vehicle that afforded him his success.

Jeff Robinson, a Florida resident, who had maintained the car in excellent condition with most of its original parts, accepted the reward and relinquished the classic automobile for a quarter of a million dollars.

Schnatter, overjoyed, made Aug. 26 Free Pizza Day at Papa John’s for all customers who arrived behind the wheel of a Camaro.

Now that’s a Cash for Clunkers program.

Contact the writer at amanly@uccs.edu

Clubs, Clubs, Clubs!

The March encouraged student life at UCCS by bringing together sports, organizations, students and most importantly, clubs. Instead of sitting around and voting about who we liked most in the club scene and comparing attributes to be “Most Likely to Succeed,” we have made up our own version of superlatives to describe our clubs so that you can see what they are really about. Also, some quick guidelines to create your own club, just in case these do not pique your interests.

Club Superlatives!

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Disclaimer: The Club Superlatives are meant as a satirical representation of the aforementioned clubs. Due to space issues, we have not included all UCCS clubs. For a full club list, please visit the ROAR office.

The “Longest Mission Statement Ever” Award

The “Branching Out”

The Peer Mentor Club: The Peer Mentor Club was established for the expressed purpose of serving students by offering access to peer mentor services with hope of improving academic performance of individual students, university retention rates, and the university’s overall atmosphere. These goals are an extension of many existing programs at UCCS, however, the Peer Mentor Club will exist to provide a more direct avenue to connect with students and increase the ease of accessibility to resources for students.

Bedlam Knights: Athletic gamers. Melee, strength outs, active gaming, do defense, hikes, fencing,

Contact: bedlam.knigh

The “Most Likely to P

mmartin6@uccs.edu

Net Impact: To inspire, e use the power of busine environmentally-sustaina

The “Club Most Eager to Retire” Award

uccsnetimpact@gmail.c

UCCS Tennis Club: To bring the student body together and play a life-long sport together.

The “Most Deceptive

tennisjlo02@gmail.com

The “Probably Least Creative but Surely Most Inclusive Acronym” Award SPECTRUM: To provide support, advocacy and a safe place for the LGBTIQ community and its allies and to educate about the LGBTIQ community and encourage acceptance and inclusiveness. spectrum@uccs.edu

Catalysts of Destruction to create an environme stress and socialize. daki@uccs.edu

The “Most Likely to b Fanatics Club” Awar Mind Games Club

jsnmechling@yahoo.co

” Award

c interest for nerds, geeks and h training, physical fitness, workodgeball, martial arts and self , swimming, etc…

ht@hotmail.com

Pick Up Your Trash” Award

educate, and equip individuals to ess to create a more socially- and able world.

com

e Name” Award

n: To bring gamers together and ent where gamers can relieve

be Confused for a Star Wars rd

om

Starting up a new club Jim Holtz

The “Most Likely to Destroy You in a UFC Fight” Award Combat Sports Club aziegler@uccs.edu

“The Holy Trinity of Gaming Clubs” Award Students Pushing the Limit of Advanced Technology (SPLAT), Catalysts of Destruction, The Bedlam Knights credding@uccs.edu daki@uccs.edu mwhite@uccs.edu

The club “Most Likely to Recruit You” Award College Republicans jemanweiler@hotmail.com

The “We Really, Really, Really Need a Football Team” Award UCCS Cheerleading mbarrow@uccs.edu

College is a fun time where people learn about subjects ranging from mathematics to biology to english. Somewhere along the line, though, everyone needs a place where they can socialize and get away from the dreaded professor (who assigns 25 page papers over a holiday weekend).

Some people just need a place where they can find others who enjoy similar activities.

Luckily for all of you, UCCS has a place where intellectual minds and sword-fighting-role-playing enthusiasts alike can find each other: The ROAR office, right downstairs in the University Center.

Although there are many different clubs listed in the office, some people may still find themselves in a bit of a rut if there are no clubs offering what they want. Not to worry: Just like the pioneers of previous clubs, any student can create her or his own club.

Here is how to do it. Walking into the office, one will find a roughly six-page list of clubs offered. Make sure that your interests cannot be found on another club’s mission statement, as it would be a shame for two credit card spending clubs to be fighting with each other over club funding. Then, once you have established that your club idea is original, pick up a copy of the “Club/Organization Registration Form.”

Next, gather some people who will represent the responsible parties in the group. From these people, the club will need to name a chair, vice-chair, secretary and treasurer. In order for the group to be valid and listed as an organization, the assembly must attend Club Orientation in the ROAR office. Before that meeting, first list the assembly on the second page of the pamphlet and then go back to the first page to align your thoughts on the club.

Every club will fall into one of eight categories which can be found on the upper left side of the pamphlet. If the club has a website, it can list the URL on the website section, which also includes a section for how many members are in the club.

Although you may have only a couple of friends that you would like to have exclusively in the club, the rules for an organization state that clubs must be open to all UCCS students.

However, clubs are allowed to include requirements such as GPA and major. Greek groups like Kappa Sigma, Phi Sigma Sigma or Pi Beta Phi, unlike other clubs, can even go so far as a gender requirement.

Next is the mission statement, or the intent and purpose of the group. This part will require a bit of thinking on the assemblies part as each club wants to separate itself from other groups. Include who the club wants to reach and how it plans on recruiting others. The last part of the mission statement should ideally have what the group will offer to the school.

Finally, the group will need signatures from the club assembly on the third and fourth pages. These signatures will give the student government the authorization to start the club. Lastly, turn the paperwork in and attend the mandatory meeting with the assembly of the club. When the signatures from the SGA President and the Director of Student Life are received, the club will be active for others to join.

10 culture

September 3 to September 9, 2009

The Colorado Springs burger trifecta Price:

Culvers

$

$ inexpensive $$$ expensive

The Keg Bar and Grill The Blue Star

Brock Kilgore Columnist

Seven years of cutting, grinding, stuffing and packaging four hundred pounds of Italian sausage every week taught me the simple intricacies of ground meat.

There is absolutely no substitute for fresh, quality cuts of meat processed in a sterile environment by knowledgeable cooks who care.

Culver’s, The Keg Bar and Grill and the Blue Star Restaurant all serve excellent burgers, but I wanted to determine which offered the greatest value., the greatest exchange between quality and price.

Culver’s is a small specialty burger chain from Wisconsin; The Keg is an established favorite in Manitou Springs; and the Blue Star is fine dining downtown: Yet they all share the common thread of cooked-to-order gourmet burgers sold in volume

to satisfied customers.

Most importantly, they all use fresh meat processed in a sterile environment by cooks who care.

At $5.67 with tax, Culver’s double cheeseburger basket special on Tuesdays is a smoking hot deal. Culver’s is a small chain that serves “butter burgers,” following the Wisconsin tradition of buttered and grilled buns. The burgers are thin but cooked on a flat grill at high enough heat to produce their characteristically crispy edge, and kill any lingering microbes.

Whenever I recommend Culver’s to a friend I describe it as Wendy’s and Furr’s Cafeteria combined because it offers a wide selection of home-style entrees, side choices like mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, fried cheese curds and their signature frozen custard creations.

Colorado Springs has two locations, one near Southgate (1140 Lake Plaza Dr.) and one on Powers (2925 New Center Point).

The Keg Bar and Grill is an institution in Manitou Springs, that is often overlooked by locals and tourists alike because word of mouth is their only advertisement. A wooden keg hanging amongst the menagerie of curious shop signs along Manitou Ave. is the only hint of its existence. The address is 730 Manitou Avenue, but it is hard to find and almost impossible to park, so just park and hoof it until you find it.

The Keg has a long history of quality food sold to ungrateful tourists, so there are rules, no to-go orders, no credit cards and no eating at the bar if they feel like it. Don’t question or push because then there will be “no soup for you!”

But hiding in the dark atmosphere is excellent food, and one of the best burgers anywhere. The menu is simple: Burgers, chicken sandwich, steaks, seafood and a berry chicken salad all range from $9 to $23.

The burger is simply wonderful with a ½ pound of

$$ $$$

freshly ground goodness shaped like a torpedo with real cheese and really great grilled onions. Chips are the only side offering but if eaten with ketchup, you will be full.

The Blue Star, at 1645 South Tejon St., is my favorite restaurant in town.

The menu changes weekly, the cooks are free to blend styles, the atmosphere is uptown, the service is fantastic, the prices are reasonable and I have never been disappointed. The Blue Star Burger is almost perfect with a ½ pound of quality, local beef well-seasoned and cooked “Cincinnati style” or as almost burnt as dangerously possible on the outside and juicily pink in the middle.

Not having to cook my own burger is valuable to me. Culver’s, The Keg and The Blue Star all have valuable gourmet burgers at great prices, made by cooks who care.

Contact the writer at bkilgore@uccs.edu

Erica Doudna edoudna@uccs.edu Israel, Lady Gaga and penis. I have no clue how these three things tie together, but they do! Lady Gaga’s publicist recently stated that “she’s all woman” after it was rumored that Ms. Gaga was rocking more than a few bad wigs. I’m sorry to say this, but that statement would seem a lot more credible if I didn’t know a drag queen or two who, about themselves, frequently claim the same. Whatever her personal predilections, Lady Gaga is topping the charts, so either way, she’s definitely greater than the sum of her parts.

“Grey’s Anatomy” star Eric “McSteamy” Dane made headlines recently for a “sex tape” scandal showcasing some of his wife’s parts. Mrs. Dane, also known as former Noxzema girl and “90210” alum Rebecca Gayheart, is shown on the tape as topless and stoned out of her gourd in a bathtub. The tape in question was possibly leaked by D-lister and former Miss Teen USA, Kari Ann Peniche.

But don’t get your hopes up: Although the pictures in all the magazines hint at a marijuana-fueled threesome in a bathtub, it just isn’t shown in the tape. You’re going to have to get your kicks re-watching “One Night in Paris,” or the Kim Kardashian/Ray J tape. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of waiting for “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester’s sex tape to be released, but rumor has it that day may never come.

I’m shocked that the actually-hot young stars of today just aren’t up to much. However, soon to be in complete has-been-star status, Lindsay Lohan has been emulating a Britney Spears of crazy times passed by speaking with a British Lilt to paparazzi, spraying them with water and flipping out in a deli over a supposed lost cell phone.

Come to think of it, LiLo and Ms. Spears were spotted hanging out at a club in L.A. recently. Are they just bonding over anti-depressants and Absolut vodka martinis, or should we be wondering what these two girls see in each other? Sorry, Sam Ronson. Maybe you should give Lady Gaga a call.

Movie Review: District 9 an innovative blockbuster Byron Graham Columnist Who could have known that from the ashes of a hack video game adaptation would rise the most innovative blockbuster of the year?

Sony Pictures’ “District 9,” the directorial debut of South-African director Neill Blomkamp, began its circulation through the studio system as a big-screen version of the “Halo” franchise (apparently Blomkamp’s three short films set in that game’s universe are well known to people who play “Halo”) with Peter Jackson attached to produce.

Well, as uninspired projects often do, “Halo” fell apart in pre-production, but Jackson encouraged

Blomkamp to persevere by expanding “Alive in Joburg,” yet another one of the young filmmaker’s early short films, into “District 9.”

Audiences responded by packing into cineplexes, sending the film to the number one spot on box office charts and resulting in the studio recouping their production budget on opening weekend. I hope that the movie industry takes note of Sony’s runaway success with this film.

With clever, viral marketing and Jackson-centric promotional ties, “District 9” became the only blockbuster of the summer with any substance. Granted, its substance may be gooey and make you grow a lobster arm, but I’ll take gooey substance over no substance (seriously, take a

gander at the most successful movies of the summer.

They’re all remakes, sequels or just assorted studio K-9 leavings). 2009’s was a rough summer at the movies.

Why is it that moviegoers find it easier to swallow political commentary in stories about aliens, robots or superheroes?

Among the outpouring of critical praise for “District 9,” there has been some considerable debate about this film’s apartheid allegories. The parallels between the plotline of “District 9” and the tragic racial history of South Africa are made clear, though not explicitly discussed in the body of the movie.

In the 70’s in Cape Town’s District 6, which inspired the title of this film, white Afrikaners forcibly relocated 60 thousand of District

6’s non-white residents.

In the film, an alien mother ship crashed on Earth 30 years passed and now hovers ominously over Johannesburg. Marooned and listless without their authorities, the aliens attempt to settle on our planet.

The aliens, referred to by humans with the intergalactic epithet “prawn” due to the creature’s crustacean appearance, are relegated to slums outside the city limits. Tension brews between the human citizens and their alien visitors, and soon a massive, well-armed conglomerate called MultiNational United engages to move the prawns into a new zone even further outside the city, into selfcontained, segregated tent settlements.

Amid all this symbolism, hitherto unknown

South African actor Sharito Copley stars as Wickus van der Merwe, an inept, fortunate son charged with leading the exile. A high school friend of Blomkamp’s who’s never before appeared in a feature film, captures Wickus’ fragility throughout the film’s transformations. It’s a pivotal role, and having seen the film I find it difficult to imagine any other actor in that part. American movie stars always suck at playing Afrikaners because it’s a pretty unusual accent (Leonardo DiCaprio and Tim Robbins), but Wickus does it fairly well.

“District 9” is the kind of movie that works best when its viewers know as little as possible about it beforehand. I don’t want to spoil anything else for potential viewers, just reiterate: If you’re looking for

thrilling sci-fi, skip “Transformers” and go see “District 9” for its ambition, for its humble origins and for its breathtaking action with badass alien weaponry.

Contact the writer at bghram3@uccs.edu

Rated R, 112 minutes

culture

September 3 to September 9, 2009

11

Time killers for the bored student How to avoid the Let’s face it: College can get boring. There are going to be classes and breaks between classes where you have nothing to do and a whole lot of time in which to do it. The Scribe understands your plight and has compiled a handy-dandy cheat sheet of websites to keep you occupied when you hit a lull in your day.

Greg Reilly

“freshman fifteen”

www.textsfromlastnight.com According to the site, Texts from Last Night was “founded in February 2009 by two friends.” It consists of text messages submitted by users that are humorous and almost wholly racy. If you’ve ever sent a late-night text you regretted (or are immensely proud of), you’ll immediately identify with this website. One (rather tame) example: “(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he’s convinced the tongs he’s holding are his real hands.”

I don’t remember. Are we still dating?

- textsfromlastnight

www.xkcd.com Probably the most popular Web comic on the Internet.

Self-labeled as “a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language,” xkcd primarily looks at geek culture, typically programming and physics. Most of the jokes are accessible to everyone on some level or another and are mostly safe for work. Updated Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Does this class make me look fat?

Catherine Jensen Campus News Editor

www.fark.com One of the earliest news aggregators on the Internet and still one of the most popular. Founded in 1997, the site initially was merely a risqué picture of a squirrel with a rather unusual anatomy but has grown into a message board and news site. Users submit articles with new (often humorous) headlines and allow its users to comment on the stories. The bulk of the articles are “not news”- articles that don’t make national headlines but are humorous, unusual or informative. Example: “If your license has been suspended 45 times, try to resist drinking a beer in your stolen car.”

xkcd.com

www.futilitycloset.com “An idlers’ miscellany of compendious amusements.”

Futility Closet offers obscure trivia, obscure and interesting quotations, logic and mathematical puzzles and much, much more. Clicking “random item” will, naturally, give you random entries from the blog’s four-year history and kill at least an hour of your time. Example: “Unquote ‘We praise or blame as one or the other affords more opportunity for exhibiting our power of judgment.’ — Nietzsche”

Elderly-on-elderly violence on the rise. Police report finding victims with all their teeth missing - Headline found on fark.com

www.stumbleupon.com Not a Web site per se, but an interesting add-on for most browsers that gives you a random Web site at the click of a button. When you register, you can select the types of Web sites you’d like to see from a rather exhaustive set of options, and every time you click “Stumble!” you’ll be given a new site from within those categories.

The content is user-submitted and the number of sites it gives out grows every day. Many nights have been stolen away by StumbleUpon, and for killing time between classes you really can’t go wrong.

tvtropes.org “This wiki is a catalog of the tricks of the trade for writing fiction. We dip into the cauldron of story, whistle up a hearty spoonful and splosh it in front of you to devour to your heart’s content,” says tvtropes.org. But what it really is, is a website that will occupy you for hours. The wiki is committed to documenting and categorizing the different tropes used in TV, movies and literature. This may seem rather mundane at first, but hours later you’ll find yourself still opening new tabs and looking for more.

Recent Entry:

“Jabberwocky Spell-Checked” Twas billing, and the smithy toes Did gyre and gamble in the wage: All missy were the brogues, And the mime rats outrage.

- futilitycloset Contact the writer at greilly@uccs.edu

The world of an undergraduate is often inundated with late-night study sessions, an inadequate amount of sleep and less than ideal eating habits. It is not surprising, then, that many students gain weight during their first year.

But if you’re afraid of gaining the dreaded freshman fifteen, never fear: It may be easier to avoid than most think. Before getting down to business and ensuring you are avoiding the weight gain, it is important to know what causes it.

Chelsea Van Zytveld, student and personal trainer at the UCCS Recreation Center, said in an e-mail interview that more than poor eating habits and a lack of exercise are behind weight gain. “Increased alcohol consumption, stress and sleep deprivation also play a role,” Van Zytveld stated. College students are often busy and on-the-go, which means getting the proper amount of exercise every day can seem unobtainable. To ensure that you are getting a decent amount of exercise when you aren’t able to make it to the gym, Van Zytveld suggests simply making use of your time on campus. “Walk everywhere,” she states, “it often takes longer to wait for the bus than it takes to just walk to class.”

“Don’t drive around forever looking for the closest

Carrie Woodruff

parking spot. Park farther away and walk it. Take the stairs. Freshman year, my friend and I would race each other from the Lodge and up three flights of stairs to our dorm rooms.

It was a great, quick and intense workout,” Van Zytveld stated.

It is also important to eat healthier foods, minimizing your alcohol consumption and getting enough sleep. Try to avoid eating pizza every time you go to the Lodge; a trip to the salad bar a few times a week can be highly beneficial.

Stock your dorm room with healthy snacks like dried fruit, nuts and wheat crackers.

The Recreation Center is a great resource here on campus. Services include personal training, group fitness classes and recreational sports. “The personal trainers at the recreation center can provide weight room orientations and fitness assessments, as well as design a personalized exercise program to meet the person’s needs and goals. They can also provide the motivation and accountability you need to stick with it,” Van Zytveld exclaimed.

For additional information on training and other options, students may stop by the front desk in the Recreation Center and fill out a new client information packet. Questions can be directed to Tim Stoecklein at (719)255-7519.

Contact the writer at cjensen2@uccs.edu

12

sports

September 3 to September 9, 2009

Sports Buzz: What we lack in spirit we make up in...?

Matt Crandall Sports Editor As you all may have noticed lately, the UCCS campus and university is growing at an alarming rate. In fact, UCCS is one of the fastest growing universities in the country right now. New buildings and resources seem to be popping up left and right at every juncture around campus. Just over the last few years, UCCS has seen major changes that produced Alpine Village, the Recreation Center, the parking garage and most recently, the new Science and Engineering Building.

There are also new clubs and activities that aim at getting students active and involved on campus.

UCCS is becoming very pro-active toward students.

Practically everywhere you look, there is growth and improvement. UCCS is continuing to enroll and attract more students every year. Larger universities such as Colorado State and our sister school to the northwest, CU at Boulder, aren’t retaining the same dominating attitude they once had as “first-choice” schools for those college bound. UCCS programs such as business, engineering and nursing are beginning to gain attention nationally as some of the best in the country. UCCS is making a real name for itself.

Yet through all the growth and new heights UCCS is achieving, the “Achilles Heel” that separates us from other schools still remains exposed— school spirit.

Reflecting on some of

the early days of my college experience, I had an epiphany. Some of the best times I had with friends were at sporting events—basketball, soccer, football and hockey games. However, none of those memories include one single game or contest at UCCS. How could this be? I don’t even like hockey (yes, I know we don’t have a hockey team) yet I’ve attended games at the University of Denver and the World Arena to watch Colorado College compete.

We have both men’s and women’s soccer teams but again, I have only attended games at Colorado College and CU at Boulder. I have even seen a couple basketball games at Metro State in Denver.

The revelation I came to is that what really intrigued me (and made me jealous at the same time) wasn’t how great the squad or players were for other teams: It was the student body’s passion and unity for their school. Most of the time, it didn’t matter if they were way or ahead or way behind, beacuse they were there to show support and wear their school’s colors with pride regardless.

Here at UCCS, we are in desperate need to acquire a foundation of school spirit to stand behind our student athletes. Fans are just as important to a game as the players themselves.

When networks televise post-game interviews with players in the NBA or NFL after a big win, the majority of the time the players mention the energy and excitement the fans brought into the venue with them.

Fans have a major impact on player and team performance. Without fans, watching sports would be

dull and almost pointless.

Improving school spirit isn’t something that can happen overnight but it’s all about making progress, not perfection. College is supposed to be about new experiences and new opportunities. It would be hypocritical of me to point the finger at the student body when there are three fingers on the same hand pointing right back at me.

The point is, UCCS sits atop Austin Bluffs for a reason. We are growing and soaring higher than most schools, and we can take pride in that. It’s time to take that direction, that strong nucleus that makes UCCS what it is today, and pump some school spirit and life behind our athletes. They are, after all, representing us day in and day out. It’s time for students to start representing them.

One common reason for small turnouts at events is that students don’t know where or when events are taking place. The website www.gomountainlions. com, openly informs students of every sporting event taking place for the upcoming week along with highlights and scores of past games and events. The website is very easy to use and is the best resource for students to get involved.

Students should check it out.

Students only get great experiences out of college by the effort they put into it, and the semesters go by very quickly. Go support our UCCS athletes, because they deserve it. And you never know: You may end up making your days at UCCS that much better.

Contact the writer at mcrandal@uccs.edu

UCCS athletics more optimistic than rankings suggest

Kevin Kassem

The volleyball girls huddle up.

Patricia Cameron Interning Reporter Free admission for UCCS students hasn’t been enough to consistently draw a crowd for athletics. Does UCCS have a reason to fill the stands this year? Despite the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference (RMAC) preseason predictions, UCCS might have reason to rock the black and gold, most importantly, of course, at home. Perhaps the strong recruiting classes, critical returning players and a school desperate for competitive athletics will finally pack the stands in the Lion’s Den. The RMAC preseason predicted an 8th out of 13th finish for the UCCS Women’s Volleyball team, which is the most questionable prediction of all of the fall sports. For one, the women have recruited wellqualified transfers who are immediately expected to start. One of those, for example, is Cindy Bathelt, a setter from the Division I University of Florida.

Amongst the newcomers are a group of freshmen that the “seniors have worked hard to bring together,” says freshman Lindsey Stich. In addition, the team has acquired a new coach in former national team member Keith Barnett, whom Stich heralds for a teaching style that doesn’t just tell you “what you did wrong, [but] what you can do better.” This dramatic restructuring of the team may have led to such pessimistic predictions from other RMAC coaches, but, there isreason to believe that it

could instead make for a stronger volleyball team.

Regardless, Women’s Volleyball is likely to have the most success of the UCCS fall sports.

UCCS golf can boast Tyler Bishop, the winner of the RMAC’s All-Time top golfer, as a 2009 alumni.

But in the 2009 Men’s Golf season, the search is on to find the next superstar to replace Bishop.

If last year is any indication, look for Riley Andrews or Brian Morfeld to at least maintain, if not improve upon, UCCS’s NCAA Division II Tournament 16th place finish.

Andrew’s stroke average of 75.11 was second only to Bishop’s, and Morfeld followed closely behind with 75.28. Both had strong tournament finishes, most notably Morfeld’s Mountain Lion’s individual high 55th finish in the NCAA Division II tournament.

Men’s soccer has a “brand new team [with] stronger players,” asserts co-captain Greg Miley. The popular UCCS sport this year intends to be more “goalorientated,” he asserts. The team to beat, the RMAC leading Ft. Lewis Skyhawks, has driven the Mountain Lions to recruit for not only depth coming off the bench, but more offensive weapons.

It is this deep bench that has led Miley to proclaim that the Men’s team is now “competitive from player 24 to player one.” The focus on offense means, he says, that the Mountain Lions will “at least make the conference tournament.”

In their second year at UCCS, the Women’s soccer team still has work to do. They were picked 7th

of eleven teams in the conference after a year filled with injuries. However, three of the four defensive players who contributed to a season-opening four game shut-out last year are returning.

The ladies have also enjoyed a standout recruiting class. Among them, Molly Goss was named to first team All-Minnesota Conference last year. She is one of many freshmen arriving with titles and accomplishments already under their belts. With the talented returning squad and an able freshmen group, Women’s Soccer has the ability to improve upon their inaugural year results of 5-13-1.

Don’t forget that UCCS cross country team also hosts the Rust Buster Invitational on September 4th, the one time a year UCCS will host a cross-country meet (at Monument Valley Park, women at 5:15 PM and men at 5:45 PM). Last year, UCCS was the overall winner and took first, second, and third place individually. 2008 was also the year that the Mountain Lion’s cross-country team made it to Nationals for the first time ever, making a strong 17th place finish.

Whether or not Doug Fitzgerald, Sports Information Director, is right in his prediction that “every UCCS team will be .500 or better” this year, many student athletes across campus agree that school spirit and crowd participation are essential to success.

“We really feed off of the crowd’s energy...the crowd can pull us up,” Stitch replied aggressively.

Contact the writer at scribe@uccs.edu

sports

September 3 to September 9, 2009

13

UCCS Men’s Soccer team: Revamped and retooled

Photos by Carrie Woodruff

Jim Holtz Reporter

For quite some time, the UCCS soccer team has not had a winning season. Last year the Mountain Lions finished a dismal 5-12-2 under first-year coach Henry Ellis. Without hesitation, Coach Ellis explained, “We had chances, we just didn’t finish them.”

Although the soccer team last year endured another losing season, they improved from the previous year’s attempt that yielded only three wins. With a full season under his belt, Coach Ellis plans to move the team in a positive direction.

His first recruiting class will be on the field in full strength, facing some of the conference’s toughest opponents. “Our first match we are playing Rockhurst, who is ranked 15th in the nation. That one is definitely going to be a battle for us,” said Ellis.

The UCCS Men’s Soccer team is no stranger to playing difficult teams.

Mesa State and Fort Lewis State College will be quite a handful to play given that UCCS has not done

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so well in the past. Despite this history, Coach Ellis remains optimistic, saying “We were able to snatch a couple of kids away from Division 1 schools, so we have some definite competition to bring”.

Coach Ellis has his work cut out for next season, however. With unsuccessful seasons behind them, the Mountain Lions likely face an uphill battle.

Among the lingering problems, last year Ellis had to let a couple of players go from the previous roster.

“I definitely didn’t inherit greatness; it’s not the players’ fault, but the level of expectation that you would need for this level, most of the players did not have”.

For Coach Ellis, letting players go is never an easy decision, “The level of players that were here was not what it needed to be to compete at a national level.

We’ve got difficult teams to play and within our conference alone, we have teams that are consistently ranked in the top 20.”

As a new season gets underway, it brings the preseason and workouts.

In an effort to improve performance, Ellis has created a workout program along with his assistant coach

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to mold each player along specific lines. “There is no general workout for everyone, we have a schedule for each player.”

On top of the new training schedule, Coach Ellis is earning respect from his squad. “The players that we have are doing great and responding well to what I have to say. We have grown as a team, which has strengthened our relationship on and off the field.”

The next task for the Men’s Soccer team will be to rebuild a foundation as a respectable soccer organization, which they have had in the past. It will not be an easy task considering the Mountain Lions receive little coverage on campus and are underrated by most.

Coach Ellis has similar thoughts regarding the team’s publicity on campus, saying, “I have no doubt in my mind that we are underrated. We have to build ourselves back up to a top notch team”.

For the Mountain Lions, this may be a one-day-at-atime process.

Contact the writer at jholtz@uccs.edu

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the news is full of contradictions

satire : irony : hilarity

Birds of a feather don’t always flock together. Or in this case, cats, which don’t form flocks, but form prides.

Recently, as a show of school spirit, UCCS adopted a mountain lion as part of the “Adopt a Mountain Lion Campaign.”

The mountain lion, also known as the cougar, or puma, or panther, or catamount or puma concolor, has represented the university with its ferocity, sleekness and uncanny ability to find its way into local citizens’ backyards.

Even more recently, however, events took a sour turn: During basketball practice, wherein the mountain lion was to make an appearance, it escaped from its handler’s clutches and ran straight for the school mascot, Boomer. Boomer, whose true identity is closely guarded by the school, was caught unaware as the lion leapt upon the mascot from behind.

“It was really scary,” said Josh Tateman, a freshman present at the practice. “Like, really, really scary. For real.”

The surprise attack, which only lasted a few seconds, left the back side of Boomer’s costume tattered and shredded. Luckily, Boomer was fully clothed under the heavy outfit, much to the dismay of onlookers.

Although the mascot was not available for an interview, Coach Kenner insisted that Boomer was not hurt during the mauling. “The costume is thick and padded. He wasn’t even scratched,” he assured.

Cougars, or pumas, or whatever, are a source of fear in Colorado, especially as construction for houses pushes deeper into the mountains. Lisa Perez, a zookeeper at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, clarified that most of these large cats aren’t dangerous by their nature. “They’re only dangerous when they’re hungry, scared, stressed, tired or bored,” she said. “They can also be dangerous if they’re in an unfamiliar situation, or if they feel threatened by another mountain lion, which may have been the case with Boomer.”

“Oh yeah, and they can also be dangerous if it’s hot out. Or if it’s cold. Or if it’s raining. Or snowing. There’s ongoing research to determine whether or not even-numbered days may be a factor as well.”

UCCS does not intend to un-adopt the mountain lion, and there are no plans to euthanize the cat.

“We don’t want to deal with animal rights groups,” said

Adopted cougar mauls UCCS mascot

by Randy Robinson an anonymous school official, who may or may not be a dean.

S/he continued, “It’s bad enough that PETA’s already angry at us for adopting the cat.

We’ve received numerous letters expressing their dislike of this entire incident. They say it promotes the myth of cat-on-cat violence, even though Boomer is actually a human.”

Boomer will return to action as scheduled with a new and improved suit, equipped with sturdier padding and a bitter-tasting coating on its faux fur.

Contact the writer at rrobinso@uccs.edu

sional training...), alcohol (n. whiskey, g or any other intoxicating liquor conta liquid), student government (n. 1. A gro viduals who allot outrageous amounts fees indiscriminately among studen and pretends to have power to do anyt than bitch), textbooks (n. 1. A book us dents as a standard work for a particu of study, 2. A surprising and startling your college fund.), tuition (n. 1. The fee for instruction, as at a private scho lege or university. ), cougars (n. 1. A la

Top Ten Ricky Dalldorf

paradox the

Disclaimer: A collection of imaginary, usually cynical (adj. 1. Scornful of the motives or virtue of others, bitterly mocking, sneering) and almost – but not quite – baseless observations (n.

1. The act or faculty of paying attention or noticing…2. The act of noting a phenomenon…3. That which is acquired from or based on observing, such as a conclusion or rule.) on society (n. …4.

A colony or community of organisms, usually from the same species), college (n. 1. An institution of higher learning, esp. one providing a general or liberal arts education rather than technical or profes-

Ways to Get Dumped

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3

Blimp at the Super Bowl – Just think.

You can get rid of your nagging girlfriend and simultaneously enjoy the game of the year in peace.

Origami Crane – You can give her a beautiful piece of art with the words “We’re done” carefully written on the wings. That’ll leave an impression.

Birthday Card – If you wanted to ruin one of the most special days of a person’s life year after year, this is a great one.

Post-It Note – Leaving a post-it note stuck to their door or computer is sure to get a reaction.

Public Service Announcement – John. This is Jane. We’re done. You smell awful and you’re a lousy lay.

This has been a Public Service Announcement courtesy of the UCCS Radio Program.

John Doe is now listed at Single – Surprise! Guess you’ll need a new date for Back to the Bluffs weekend…

Banner – Imagine walking to your special someone’s dorm room only to be greeted with a big banner across one of the catwalks announcing that you are newly single!

Note on the Car – As you come back from class ready to start the weekend and unwind, you’re greeted with a scrap piece of paper stuck under your windshield. Looks like you need new plans for the weekend. At least it’s not another parking ticket.

Singing Telegram – What better way to build up the fluttery feeling of love and then bring it crashing down than paying someone to greet them at their house and sing a song.

A song about dumping them.

Fortune Cookie – Buying a personalized fortune cookie and then slipping it in at the end of the meal at the fancy Chinese Restaurant is a sure way to shatter some dreams.

2 1

rdalldorf@uccs.edu

“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs,

gin, vodka, aining this oup of indis of student nt groups, thing more sed by stuular branch g portion of e charge or ool or a colarge, tawny

cat, 2. An older woman who seeks out young male lovers.), and so many more interesting but utterly useless tidbits designed to disillusion (v. 1. To free or deprive of illusion; disenchant.) the everyday (SEE ‘common’), common (SEE ‘everyday’), ignorant (adj. …3. Unaware or uninformed.) and uncultured student (n. 1. A person formally engaged in learning, esp. one enrolled in a school or college), as to what this wacky world (n. 1. The earth. 2. The universe. 3. The earth and its inhabitants collectively. 4. The human race.) of ours really is, via satire (n. 1. The use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the

like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc., 2. A literary composition in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision or ridicule.) , and parody (n. 1. Any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event, etc., 2. To imitate for purposes of ridicule or satire.). Many persons of sensitive constitution find such sarcastic, predominantly untrue reporting to be offensive and distasteful. However, all quotes and instances are wholly misattributed and without foundation. No more offense than necessary should be taken, though hate

mail is always a good outlet if storming off in an irked huff doesn’t work. If angry state persists we suggest you contact your physician. If you find you are unable to take a bitter, explicit and probably tasteless joke, not reading anything at all ever might be the better choice. The Scribe is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure on the part of your brain to perform. This page is meant for enjoyable educational purposes. No children or animals were harmed in the making of this segment.

Chancellor praises the success of UCCS’ Tobacco-Free Policy on its one-year anniversary

photo by Carrie Woodruff

by: Byron F. Graham Chancellor Pam Shockley-Zalabak held a press release conference last week heralding the anniversary of the enactment of UCCS’ public health policy regarding tobacco use on its campuses in which she praised the decision.

“One year ago, this very day, University of Colorado administrators implemented the new tobacco policy amid much speculation.”

Shockley-Zalabak said, beaming from behind a podium adorned with the University’s proud insignia.

She continued, “Today, I am exceedingly pleased to announce that the ‘Zero-ToleranceZero Tobacco’ program has been an unequivocal success and a victory for public health.”

Tepid applause cycled through the audience.

When a reporter inquired about the “speculation” Shockley-Zalabak had mentioned in her opening statements, she grimaced and replied, “I am currently unaware of any unrest amongst the students, even the student smokers. I mean, they all signed the tobacco-free contract, and while the implementation process certainly had a few hiccups, as it stands now, those students who choose to continue to euthanize themselves with noxious smoke can take advantage of our campus’ satellite smoking area, and I can walk to my office without a face full of carcinogens. Think of our children.

Our children!” The hitherto sluggish press and community audience erupted into an ardent ovation charged with anti-smoking sentiment.

Miriam Yummyguts, a representative for a Tobacco-Free UCCS, agreed to meet with the Scribe at the courtyard outside the Columbine building, formerly a festering sewer of rampant tobacco use, to discuss the ban’s

triumphant inaugural year.

“I am very happy with the way things are going, but our work isn’t done here. You see, cigarette smoke is quite pungent, so when those pitiable creatures slink back from their smoking ghetto - oh sorry, that’s just an office nickname - anyway you can smell death on their fingertips and their sleeves, or in their reeking breath. I’d call that an inconvenience, wouldn’t you?”

Yummyguts paused to loudly smack the large wad of chewing gum in her mouth and drool on herself. “I mean, it’s amazing that UCCS lets these poison-breathing sub-humans even attend. Isn’t it like affirmative action?”

This reporter was fortunate enough to be offered a private tour of UCCS’ satellite smoking area, located at the intersection of Austin Bluffs Parkway and Meadow. Student smokers huddle into a gradually decreasing chalk-drawn circle on the roadway to smoke what they can between classes.

“That was my idea, making the circle smaller each day,” remembers Sgt. McGriddles, head of the UCCS Campus Police and the heroic face of Zero-Tolerance-Zero Tobacco.

“It was tough for us campus cops at first,” McGriddles explained. “I don’t think that the university had anticipated the initial resistance to the ban. I mean, people were smoking in their cars, puffing away in the more secluded areas of campus, offending left and right. So the university grew a pair, we got to trade in those stupid Priuses – or is it Priusi? Anyhoo, we got ourselves some riot gear, and you’d be surprised at how quick those offenders complied with the new regulations. Just look.”

McGriddles gestured toward the gaggle of death-breathers, dodging traffic while feeding their insidious habit, always carefully staying inside the chalk lines. “Yeah, now they’re staying in the damn lines.” McGriddles continued.

“They remember taser Wednesday. Oh shoot,

I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about taser Wednesday.”

Perhaps surprisingly, drivers have demonstrated little resistance to the smokers now crowding their intersection. Dr. Pamela Huffersnout of the UCCS Student Health Center assured, “Oh, there haven’t really been that many reports of collisions with the smokers. There’s a certain law of averages with smokers, for example: In the worst case scenario, where a smoker’s been fatally struck by a moving vehicle, if you really think about it he was killing himself with cigarettes anyway, right? So I really won’t sweat it too much if that happens.” Huffersnout smiled and remained silent until I was too uncomfortable to stay any longer in her office.

I spoke with one of the nameless, faceless, nicotine pagans who managed to abstain from inhaling pestilence long enough to grant me an interview. When asked whether he thought the ban was effective, he replied, “I guess, sure. I didn’t know how much people hated us.”

After I assured him with a chuckle that those who love life and children are naturally inclined to hate smokers bitterly, I asked him if he thought the Zero Tolerance policy functioned as a deterrent. “No. I don’t think so. Nobody I know has quit as a result. I’m pretty good at avoiding the cars, but I definitely liked it better before.”

As of press time, some breaking news emerged on this story: Apparently a number of drivers have complained that smoke fumes waft into their open car windows during warmer months, which has prompted UCCS to consider relocating the smoking intersection or removing it entirely.

Contact the writer at bgraham2@uccs.edu

cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” Student Press Law Center