Consider No Mercy

stationed there informed us of the last boat’s departure. Worse, it was a once-per-day passenger trip to the island.

At that point, the summer warmth over my skin started to fade. With a heavy heart, I heaved a sigh before checking my wallet for spare change. Escape was still miles of sea away. There was no way I could go back after lying about being gone to do school stuff to my parents. Hell no. More than that, I couldn’t bear to go home after having that bit of freedom.

The air, the sun, the ground, the sky—for the first time, they beckoned the freedom I have been chasing. To me, this was silence offering a truce.

Luckily, I withdrew all of my savings from the bank (leaving me near flat broke) and managed to bargain with a kind boatman to offer us a trip and a tour for the whole 3D2N ordeal, without the hassle of squeezing in a tight boat with strangers during passenger trips.

After securing a boat exclusively for us, we set off through the calm sea for three hours. The waves were daunting with its stillness, lacking its usual roar. I could have sworn I saw some big creature swimming right under when I squinted my eyes enough, yet the sputter of the engine pulled me out of my trance when we reached land. My feet were planted on the afternoon sand, but it felt like the waves were still rocking my entirety from all sides.

My medium-sized rucksack seemed like it carried rocks but I could not understand the light feeling soaring through my system. I breathed in the scent of salt while the sunrays peeking through the clouds struck the waves tussling by the shore with immense sparkle—it was almost blinding.

At nightfall, the sea mirrored the sky every time we stirred the still waves with our unloose limbs. Without the light pollution from the city streets, the stars mirrored a map light years away from our reach. My friends argued whether they were sorcery or the plain existence of bioluminescent planktons. We settled on agreeing to disagree. Nevertheless, we were in awe of its transcendence.

Comets passed by with placid silence. The universe was so vast, and yet, I felt like I was there, in a place I rightfully belonged.

That day, I set out into the world and found answers.

PHOTO BY KERGUELEN MONTALES

Apak PATRICK BILLOJAN

ART BY ANGELA CORONEL

Marso 24, 2005 Pinaka-dabest na araw Hari ba ako sa araw na ito? Para kasing palasyo ang bahay namin ngayon sa dami ng handa ni mama. Ipinagluto niya ako ng paborito ko. ‘Yung parang mahabang noodles na may sows at hotdog ‘di ko alam ang spelling basta ‘yun! Hindi ko naman birthday eh pero parang piyesta talaga. Noong una nga, hindi ko pa alam kung para saan lahat ng ito, pero nung nakita ko ang malinis at nakasampay kong uniform, doon ko lang naalala na ngayong araw pala ang pagtatapos ko sa nursery. Marami akong nakuhang medalya—ginto, pilak, at tanso. Malabundok din ang regalo na natanggap ko mula sa aking mga tito at tita. Gagalingan ko pa lalo sa susunod na taon para mas marami akong matanggap. Sabi nga ng teacher ko eh, sobrang talino ko raw. Aba, syempre, ako ang pinakamagaling sa buong mundo!

Hunyo 15, 2007 Bagong lugar, bagong buhay! Kumusta ka na, diary? Pasensya ka na ha, alam ko na-miss mo ako. Kararating lang namin dito sa apartment na titirahan namin dito sa Bacolod. Ilang oras din ang byahe, hindi ko inakalang sobrang layo pala! Dito kasi mag-aaral ng kolehiyo si kuya, kaya nagdesisyon sina mama‘t papa na dito na lang din kami para hindi siya maging malungkot. Nakakatakot dahil sobrang dami ng tao. Hindi ako sanay. Sana may makilala akong mga bagong kaibigan. Bukas, pupunta kami sa bago kong eskwelahan, malapit lang siya dito sa amin. Naghahanda na rin ako kasi sa susunod na linggo, pasukan na namin. Nagbabasa na uli ako ng libro, ‘tsaka inaral ko ulit yung multiplication table, nahihirapan kasi ako roon ‘tsaka pinapalo rin kasi ako ni mama kapag nagkakamali ako. Ang sakit kaya pero okay lang ‘pag hanger, hindi masyadong masakit.