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the sport parent table of contents
Using Kindness to Combat Adversity: Equipping Your
Athlete with Positive Coping Skills
03 Message from
Meghan Ingstrup
the Editor
04 Developing an
Optimistic Child Hayley deBeaudrap
Resource 14 The Corner
06 Coping with the Cut': An Interview with Kacey Neely '
08
11
10 Tips for Good Sport Parenting
THE SPORT PARENT Brought to you by PYD SportNET
Welcome to the very first issue of The Sport Parent! We've created this magazine for the parents out there that are looking for a little guidance. You play a pivotal role in your child’s sport experience and development. You provide opportunities for sport and you interpret the sport experience with your emotional reactions while acting as role models through your behaviors and values. Everyone tends to focus on parents’ negative behaviors with little thought to the amount of stress parents face in order to support their child in sport. We understand that parenting in sport can be stressful (e.g., competition, coaches, finances, time), and we know that a lot of you don't know what to do or how to behave in a lot of sport situations. Not knowing what to do might lead you to doing something that isn't great for your kid's sport experience, so you're always trying to get more information, whether it's from your kid's coach, the internet, or other sport parents. We hope that this magazine will help keep you informed and help guide some of your behaviors. We wanted to establish a connection between you and the researchers out there that are constantly finding ways that you can enhance your child's sport experience. This magazine contains original articles either written by the researchers themselves or written based on existing research papers in a way that is accessible and understandable to the average sport parent. One of the best things about TSP is that it's fully digital and can be viewed on computers, mobile devices, and tablets, so you can access our content virtually anywhere as long as you have an internet or data connection. I want to give a big thanks to Kacey Neely, Meghan Ingstrup, and Hayley deBeaudrap for taking time out of their busy schedules to contribute thoughtful and original pieces to this issue. The final product would not be nearly as good as it is without their help. Enjoy!
Shannon Pynn MA Student PEDS 541 THE SPORT PARENT | WINTER 2016 | 3
POSITIVE MIND POSITIVE
VIBES POSITIVE LIFE
DEVELOPING AN OPTIMISTIC CHILD Hayley deBeaudrap, MA
The final horn blows at your daughter’s basketball game and the team has just narrowly lost one of the most important games of the season. Your daughter had a season high performance but she missed the winning shot and she is noticeably upset. Will you let her wallow about that one missed shot or will you help her see the silver lining of her game?
Individuals who are optimistic expect to have positive experiences. However, they are also realistic and know that negative experiences can happen and that the lessons learned from negative experiences are important. Research has shown that athletes who are able to remain positive have better sport performances when faced with adversity or when "the going gets tough".
Parents play an important role in the development of optimism in their child. So what can you do to help develop optimism in your child? Here are some suggestions:
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Provide perspective: It may seem tempting to get hung up on that one missed shot, even if the overall performance was a strong one. Parents can help their child see the “big picture” to help stop them from dwelling on a single mistake. In the long run the athlete will be able to start doing this on their own, but parents can help lay the groundwork. Create a supportive environment: The environment parents create for their child athlete should be a supportive one. This doesn't mean telling your child that they have no flaws but it does mean giving them feedback in a supportive manner and making sure this feedback is constructive and performance-specific.
Focus on the positive elements of performances: Along with helping your child athlete gain some perspective, try to focus more on the positive elements of performance rather than on your child's mistakes. This type of performance-related feedback goes hand in hand with gaining perspective and ultimately helps athletes learn to cope with adversity in a more optimistic way. Let them choose the sports they play: Finally, parents can let their child find a passion in sport. This means not forcing them to play a sport they don’t enjoy, but rather letting them pick what they want to play. By having this passion for a chosen sport and a general love of the game athletes are better able to stay positive when they are faced with challenges in sport.
Optimism is a very interesting personality trait that is influenced by a person's environment. Parents are a very important part of their child's environment, especially during the childhood years. Hopefully these suggestions will help you lay the building blocks for your child athlete to develop the trait of optimism and thus help create a more positive athlete and person in the future.
Hayley deBeaudrap is the Community Program Coordinator for a small community in Central Alberta. She recently completed her Master's degree at the University of Alberta where she studied the development of optimism among female varsity athletes. She has played a variety of sports, most commonly volleyball, basketball, and lacrosse, and has been involved with coaching as well.
Focus more on the positives, and less on the mistakes! THE SPORT PARENT | WINTER 2016 | 5
HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP SELF-COMPASSION Be a role model Kids learn from observing your behavior. Take a moment to ask yourself: How do you react when something upsets you? How do you treat your partner, family members, friends, acquaintances, and strangers? Your children will learn to respond to adversity the same way you do, and they will learn to treat others (and themselves) the way you treat them. To foster self-compassion in your child, you need to be modelling self-compassion. This means showing kindness and respect towards everyone you interact with. Try not to react to adversity with anger or frustration, instead be patient and apply perspective to the situation.
USING KINDNESS TO COMBAT ADVERSITY: Equipping Your Athlete with Positive Coping Skills By Meghan Ingstrup
Having to overcome obstacles is a fact of life. Athletes need to learn how to deal with adversity on and off the field. As parents, it is important to help teach our children how to cope with different setbacks, letdowns, and disappointments early in life, so that they are equipped with the appropriate skills later on. Recent research has shown that teaching kids to be kind to themselves, to have perspective, and to be able to seek out support provides them with a set of coping mechanisms that are useful in navigating adverse athletic experiences such as dealing with an injury, getting cut from a team, having a bad practice, or getting benched. This skill is called self-compassion, and you as a parent, are instrumental in providing your child with the ability to develop this skill. Self-compassion is a life skill that will take time and effort for yourself and your child to learn. Be patient and remind yourself that perfection is a myth. Employing a self-compassionate approach will equip you and your child athlete with adaptive coping skills that can set the stage for personal initiative, happiness, optimism, and greater life satisfaction both within and outside of sport.
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Teach positive self-talk We live in a society that preaches using criticism as a way to motivate. This is both inaccurate and self-damaging, and there are better ways to learn from your mistakes and move past failures. Teach your children to evaluate their performances (What did I do well, and what can I improve on for next time?) instead of allowing them to criticize and put themselves down. Teach them to use positive phrases such as (I can do this, I’ll get it next time) that they can use in place of negative criticisms after a mistake or during an adverse experience. After a big loss or disappointing experience, remind your child that everyone makes mistakes, that it is a learning experience, and that it is ok to be kind to yourself instead of being harsh and self-critical.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Bring perspective In sport, your child will have experiences that are disappointing, upsetting, and frustrating. You will have to challenge them in these moments to take a broader perspective towards their situation, to be kind towards themselves throughout their emotional journey, and to remind them that they have people they can talk to when they need (parents, coaches, and friends). This will help them realize that their situation probably isn’t as bad as they first perceived, that they can be kind towards themselves as they work through some of the emotions they are experiencing, and that it is OK to ask for help.
1. BE A ROLE MODEL 2. TEACH POSITIVE SELF-TALK 3. BRING PERSPECTIVE 4. BE SUPPORTIVE
Be supportive Go to your child’s sporting events. Be there to talk when they want to talk, be there to listen when they need an ear, and respect them when they want silence. Role model positivity, kindness, and the ability to have perspective. Believe in them, love them, and celebrate their growth and development. Remind them that even the top athletes have failed many more times than they have succeeded, and that we can learn from our mistakes and failures to become a better athletes and people.
Meghan Ingstrup is a 2nd year MA student in the Faculty of Physical Education and Recreation at the University of Alberta. Her research examines the development of selfcompassion in female athletes.
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COPING WITH THE CUT
AN INTERVIEW WITH KACEY NEELY By Shannon Pynn Photographs by Shannon Pynn
&
Kassi Boyd
As club season and provincial team selection approaches, it is inevitable that some kids will be "cut" from a team. Getting cut can be a very emotional experience for young athletes so we asked PhD Candidate Kacey Neely from the University of Alberta to discuss her research on deselection and how you can help your kid cope with being cut.
SP: Can you tell us a bit about what "deselection" is? KN: Deselection, which is the academic term for being cut, is when an athlete is eliminated from a competitive sport team based on the decisions of the coach. It’s one of those things that happens every season, every year, at every level. Junior high and high school teams, rep or club teams, provincial teams and even at the national level. Kids try-out, hoping to make it, but there are always going to be more kids trying out for the team than there are spots available. So unfortunately deselection is a process that is inevitable in youth sport.
SP: Why did you choose to do research in deselection? Why is it important to you? KN: Well it’s sort of two-fold for me. First, it’s such a relevant issue in youth sport for coaches, athletes, and even parents. It’s really challenging for coaches because they know it's a sensitive issue, and they don’t want to be the one crushing so many sport dreams. It’s even harder for kids because they give their heart and soul to their sport, so getting cut can be devastating. And then it’s also stressful for parents because it’s tough to see their child so upset and they don’t always know how to help. So given all this, there is actually very little research that has looked into these issues related to deselection and the deselection process. Second, I was cut from my rep soccer team during adolescence after being with the same girls, same team for 6 years. I was devastated and I’ve really never played soccer in an organized way since. I often wonder if I had been cut a different way, or if I knew how to cope with it better, maybe I would still be playing. So I think it’s important to understand how athletes cope with being cut.
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I really hope my research will help coaches with the way they carry out the cutting process and perhaps handle it more delicately, and I hope it will help athletes deal with it effectively and stay in the game. I mean, it’s always going to be hard on them, but maybe it will hurt a little less, and they will have some good coping strategies to help them through it.
SP: So with your latest research, you spoke with teenage girls who tried out but were cut from provincial teams? KN: Yeah, I spoke with girls as well as their parents who were cut from provincial teams. It was so valuable to hear about their experiences.
SP: In speaking with them, what have you learned about how kids deal with being cut from a team? KN: It seems like there are a few phases that athletes may go through as they cope with being cut. The coping ‘process’ actually starts before they get cut. During the team try-out all the girls talked about lowering their expectations for making it and assumed they would be cut. This helped ‘soften the blow’ for when the coaches actually did the cut. It was an emotional roller coaster for the girls after that, from angry, mad, frustrated, to sad, and devastated. Talking to their friends and other teammates about it, venting, ranting was sort of the next thing they did. Then once they had cooled off and had had some time to think about it, that was when their parents helped them.
SP: So what role do parents play in the coping process? KN: First, parents had to deal with their own emotions about their daughters being cut. They basically did the same thing as the athletes and vented about it and talked to their spouses, friends, and other sport parents. A lot of parents recognized that they couldn’t help their kid cope if they were still emotionally all over the place too. From there, coping is something athletes and parents do together. It's this idea of “console first, talk later”. Parents just have to be there for their kids, but at the same time give them the space they need. There is no point talking about getting cut until they’ve cooled off and are a little less sensitive. So parents should either wait for their kid to come to them, or gently bring it up and gauge their reaction. And then that’s when they can have a good discussion about being cut and the entire deselection process.
SP: This is so interesting. Can you tell me some of the things parents talked about with their kids? KN: A lot of the time coaches didn’t necessarily give specific feedback or explain why the athlete was cut. Parents and athletes rationalized why they were cut, like, “the coach was looking for big players and you’re just really small”, or “you’re an under-ager and have another year to play at this level”. The most important thing parents did and can do though, is put it all in perspective and help their kids see the bigger picture.
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Talking about being cut as a learning opportunity, a chance to build resilience and even mental toughness, and grow as an athlete from this experience. As crappy as the situation is, parents can point out some of the positives that can be taken from being cut. Parents should also recognize what an accomplishment even being selected for the provincial team try-out is, and that they are still top 20 or so in the entire province. Finally, parents can encourage their kids to focus on their club team or upcoming high school team, they can encourage them to keep working hard and develop their skills. Especially if their kid has another opportunity to try-out, having a ‘prove the coaches wrong’ attitude so that when they go back the next year they are better and stronger.
SP: Do you have any advice for parents whose kids are preparing for tryouts? KN: Definitely. I think prior to try-outs starting, parents and athletes should chat about the possibility of not making the team. That even if the coach doesn’t select you, it doesn’t mean you are a bad player, maybe just not what they were looking for. A lot of great athletes have been cut before, take Michael Jordan for example. He was cut from his high school basketball team but still became the best basketball player in the world. So the idea that not making the provincial team isn’t the end of the world and they can still go on to play university or college sport, and be great athletes. Parents can also emphasize hard work and to focus on the process, and if it doesn’t work there will be other opportunities. Some parents in my research said they gave a bit of a pep talk to their daughters, just preparing them for both outcomes.
SP: Thanks Kacey, I'm sure many parents will find this information valuable. I look forward to reading more of your research.
If you are interested in reading more about Kacey's research, click here.
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Kacey Neely is a PhD candidate in the Faculty of Physical Education and Recreation at the University of Alberta. Her research interests include deselection (getting cut) in competitive youth sport and positive youth development through sport.
"CONSOLE FIRST
TALK LATER"
10 TIPS FOR GOOD SPORT PARENTING
WRITTEN BY SHANNON PYNN
Sport parents tend to get a bad rep. Everyone has a story about a crazy soccer mom they’ve encountered or have seen YouTube videos of angry hockey dads fighting in the stands. The reality is that not all sport parents are bad.
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Actually, most sport parents are good and the majority are doing what they think is best for their child. The problem is that sometimes what parents think is best isn’t truly what’s best in terms of their child’s development or what the child wants. The root of the problem seems to be parent education. Research shows that parents find the lack of feedback and advice they receive as a major stressor when it comes to having children in sport. Parents wish they had more information in terms of how they should behave or how their children want them to behave. To help fix this problem, we have compiled the most uptodate research on parenting in youth sport to provide you (the parents) with the top 10 tips for good sport parenting. 1. Focus on effort, not the win/loss record. Children prefer when parents focus on their effort rather than the outcome of their game. When you focus on effort, they feel less pressure to perform and will be more likely to enjoy their competition. Also, try to direct your postgame feedback towards effort and attitude, even if it's critical. Athletes would rather you be critical about their effort than their performance. 2. No negativity! Watch out for negative nonverbal behaviors. Research has shown that young athletes notice their parents’ posture, tone of voice, and negative comments made from the stands. When you're watching your child compete try to send positive vibes by appearing relaxed, clapping, and limiting your feedback to positive and encouraging comments only. 3. Control your emotions. Watching your child compete can be an emotional experience. They might do something great and you want to stand up and cheer and clap, or maybe an opponent or referee acts unjustly and it makes you angry. It is important that you control your emotions and try not to draw attention to yourself or your child. Drawing too much attention can be distracting and embarrassing for your child and/or their team. 4. Leave the coaching to the coach. When you try to give your child technical or tactical advice about their sport it can be confusing for them, especially if the information you are giving them contradicts their coach. If you yourself are an expert on the sport and want to provide technical or tactical advice, make sure it reinforces the coach's ideas and present it as a suggestion rather than something they have to do.
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5. Leave the reffing to the referee. This one goes handin hand with controlling your emotions. When young athletes see parents arguing with a referee it distracts and embarrasses them. You don't have to agree with every call the referee makes, but arguing and fighting with them will do more harm than good. 6. Foster independence. Help develop your child's sense of autonomy by letting them control their own warmup and pre game preparation. Don't shy away from giving them practical advice on things like sleep and nutrition, but when it comes to their sport, let them figure out what works for them and what doesn't. 7. Stay positive but honest. Athletes appreciate when their parents are honest with them. The best way to provide feedback after a game is to talk about something positive, then discuss areas of improvement, and then something positive again. Try not to tell them "you had a great game" when they know they did not. 8. Demonstrate good sportspersonship. Be respectful of everyone involved in the sport. Being friendly and respectful to the other people at your child's competitions helps create a supportive environment for everyone. Try cheering for both opponents and cheer less for you child if the score is really lopsided.
9. Read and recognize. Keep the lines of communication open between you and your child. Having open communication is a sign of an autonomysupportive environment, which tends to have better developmental outcomes for children. While it might seem like your child doesn't want to talk about a bad match, they just most likely don't want to talk about it right away. The key is to read your child's mood and try to recognize when it's a good time to chat with them. 10. Maintain a strong parentcoach relationship. Having a good relationship with your child's coach will make it more likely for you to receive guidance on how you can support your child in their sport. Coaches can help you understand more about your child's experience in sport, what they are learning, and what their goals are.
While this list provides you with tips for being a good sport parent, it is important to note that the optimal level of involvement in your child’s sport participation is unique to your child. That being said, the most important tip we can provide is for you to have an open and honest conversation with your child to identify what their goals are for their sport participation, what areas of competition they need help coping with, and how they want you to be involved with their sport.
Sources: Harwood, C., & Knight, C. (2009b). Understanding parental stressors: An investigation of tennis parents. Journal of Sport Sciences, 27, 339351. Harwood, C., Drew, A., & Knight, C. J. (2010). Parental stressors in professional youth football academies: A qualitative investigation of specializing stage parents. Qualitative Research in Sport and Exercise, 2(1), 3955. doi:10.1080/19398440903510152. Holt, N. L., Tamminen, K. A., Black, D. E., Mandigo, J. L., & Fox, K. R. (2009). Youth sport parenting styles and practices. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 31, 3759. Knight, C. J., Boden, C. M., & Holt, N. L. (2010). Junior tennis players’ preferences for parental behaviors. Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 22, 377391. Knight, C. J., & Holt, N. L. (2014). Parenting in youth tennis: Understanding and enhancing children’s experiences. Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 15, 155164. Knight, C. J., Neely, K. C., & Holt, N. L. (2011). Parental behaviors in team sports: How do female athletes want parents to behave? Journal of Applied Sport Psychology, 23, 7692.
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