The Sport Parent- Issue 4 by The Sport Parent

THE ULTIMATE RESOURCE FOR PARENTING IN YOUTH SPORT

THE SPORT PARENT ISSUE 4 | MARCH 2018

parent peer pressure WHEN IT STRIKES AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

PARENT-COACH COMMUNICATION TIPS FOR GETTING IT RIGHT!

& MORE!

EDITORIAL SHANNON PYNN Editor

SUBIN PARK Editorial Assistant

WELCOME to the Sport Parent magazine! I’d like to welcome you all to the latest issue of The Sport Parent magazine. With the Spring sport season approaching, this issue is loaded with a plethora of useful information that sport parents can use to make their children's sport experience more enjoyable. In this issue, we cover topics such as how parents can effectively communicate with their child's coach and how to deal with the peer pressure that sport parents are often faced with. We also highlight some recent research on sport parenting and were lucky to have Dr. Nick Holt answer your sport parenting questions in our recent edition of 'Ask an Expert'!

CONTRIBUTORS Cassidy Preston, PhD, Lauren Wolman, MA, Nick Holt, PhD, Richard Monette (Active for Life)

SUBSCRIPTIONS CLICK HERE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

I would like to thank all of our contributors for helping to make this issue happen. Once again, we've been able to put out an issue with helpful tips for parents, guided completely by research evidence. Thank you all for your hard work.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one.

SHANNON PYNN Editor

VISIT US ONLINE AT www.positivesport.ca

IN THIS ISSUE 04

PARENT-COACH COMMUNICATION: GETTING IT RIGHT! By Cassidy Preston, PhD

WHAT TO DO WHEN A CASE OF PARENT PEER PRESSURE STRIKES By Richard Monette of Active for Life

RESEARCH REPORT: "SPORTS ARE BROUGHT UP BUT NEVER OPENLY DISCUSSED" By Lauren Wolman, PhD Candidate

ASK AN EXPERT WITH DR. NICK HOLT Dr. Nick Holt answers your burning sport parenting questions during a Facebook Live event with PYD SportNET

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PARENT-COACH COMMUNICATION: GETTING IT RIGHT! CASSIDY PRESTON, PHD

As a child starts to specialize and parents begin to invest more time and resources (i.e. money) into sport, it may become increasingly challenging for parents to navigate their relationship with their child's coach. This article highlights recent research on relationships between parents and coaches, and offers suggestions for parents to effectively communicate with their child’s coach, particularly in elite youth sport. Parent-coach confrontations are often the result of breakdowns in communication between parents and coaches. Most often, coaches are trying to optimize their team’s performance and their players’ development, while parents are simply trying to protect their child from negative experiences. In sports such as hockey, playing time is often the measuring stick of an athlete’s value and ability, and therefore, it is often

the catalyst for parent-coach confrontations. Other sports such as soccer, basketball, volleyball, or rugby may put greater value on the starting lineup. Naturally parents don’t like to see their child miss playing time or perform poorly, but these situations can be used to teach meaningful life lessons (for example, taking responsibility, embracing adversity, and putting the team first). As such, parents should be mindful to avoid engaging in “helicopter” parenting or “bulldozer”

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parenting (that is, removing all challenges and barriers for their child). Parents who feel their child has been wronged by the coach may end up demonstrating unsportsperson-like behaviours (e.g., complaining or blaming others). When these behaviours are modelled to their child-athlete, they may be perceived as acceptable or appropriate. There are a lot of developmental skills that can come from a child learning to earn playing time, both in sport and in life. The following are some examples of life skills that parents can model and reinforce:

It is human nature for parents to see the best in their child; however, this often plays out as parents having a skewed lens of their child’s capabilities. On the other hand, it is the coach’s job to see the best in all his/her team members. Parents also spend a tremendous amount of time spectating in their child’s sport, but need to remember that this does not make them qualified to make coaching decisions. Coaches have suggested that receiving unsolicited advice from parents is one of the most prevalent challenges they must deal with. Unfortunately, many great youth sport coaches have left their roles, because they are burnt out by the challenges parents present.

LIFE SKILL TO HIGH AMOUNTS OF PLAYING TEACH/MODEL: TIME & PERFORMANCE: EMOTIONAL REGULATION

GROWTH MINDSET

TEAMWORK & RESPONSIBILITY

LOW AMOUNTS OF PLAYING TIME & PERFORMANCE:

MANAGE ELATION & FUTURE EXPECTATIONS

MANAGE FRUSTRATION OR DISAPPOINTMENT

RECOGNIZE EFFORT, PREPARATION, AND ATTITUDES THAT LEAD TO SUCCESS CRAVE MORE AND BIGGER CHALLENGES

EMBRACE ADVERSITY AS A LEARNING OPPORTUNITY (VS TOLERATING COMPLAINING AND BLAMING) CRAVE AND THRIVE ON THE CHALLENGE

RECOGNIZE TEAM SUCCESS IS GREATER THAN INDIVIDUAL SUCCESS BE GRATEFUL FOR SUPPORT FROM TEAMMATES, COACHES, AND OTHERS

CELEBRATE TEAM SUCCESS - BE INSPIRED AND LEARN FROM OTHERS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

Based on recent research, the following recommendations may help parents effectively communicate with coaches to optimize their child’s development and foster more cooperative relationships with their child’s coach. 1. Ask Questions. Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice or Opinions. Remember your role as the parent and that the coach is the expert on coaching. So, ask how and what questions for feedback and clarity. Do not tell the coach what to do or how to do it. This assumes you know more than the coach and it is not respectful of their role. It is unlikely your child’s coach is inherently bad, so do not assume so. Avoid asking why questions. For example, why is my son not getting more playing time? This insinuates that you think he should get more playing time, and could create a confrontational interaction. Instead, ask how can my daughter get more playing time, or what can my son do to earn more playing time? 2. Focus on Your Child’s Development. Keep questions for the coach about your child’s development. You are the parent of only one athlete, so keep your focus on that athlete. Questions can cover an array of important topics. For example- Life skills: Is she being respectful? Is she a good teammate and leader? How does she behave behind the scenes? How is her emotional regulation, engagement, and effort? Performance: How is he performing?

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What is he doing well? What has he improved at? What needs work? How can he improve it? Playing time and role within the team: What is her current role? How can she contribute more or improve her role within the team and playing time? What are the factors that determine her playing time or role within the team? Alignment with the team: What is the team currently focusing on? How is my child doing at those? What can she do to better help the team in those areas? Ask questions! Avoid providing unsolicited advice or opinions Focus on your child's development Use appropriate timing and effective modes of communication

3. Use Appropriate Timing and Effective Modes of Communication. Many coaches suggest a 24-hour rule – i.e., for parents to wait 24 hours before responding to an emotionally charged situation. If you still feel upset after 24 hours, consider your response. First, remember you are a model to your child and respond accordingly (reviewed above). Second, remember to take a respectful approach of asking questions for clarity

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Click here to learn more about Dr. Preston's work! not offering unsolicited opinions. Below are some additional guidelines: Ask questions for clarity when you and your child don’t understand the reasons behind a coaching decision and/or don’t know how your child can earn more playing time. Focus on overall trends, rather than one-off incidents (e.g., your child missed one shift). When you and/or your child don’t understand a coach’s decision, you can ask for clarity together or separately. Depending on the age of your child, he or she could talk to the coach on her own or with you there. Discussions without your child present are sometimes necessary, but generally it is valuable for your child to be part of the discussion, as he or she is the topic of conversation, and should be encouraged to speak for him/herself, and ask questions for his/her own clarity and development.

Ask questions for clarity when you and your child don’t understand the reasons behind a coaching decision and/or don’t know how your child can earn more playing time. Focus on overall trends, rather than one-off incidents (e.g., your child missed one shift). Be aware of your child’s coach’s preferences or policies around modes of communication. Many coaches may prefer to discuss an athlete’s development in person, or over the phone, rather than through email or text, as in-person discussions allow the conversation to be more freeflowing. In this case, the coach can elaborate and give numerous examples and you can ask follow-up and clarifying questions. When contacting coaches, be mindful of their schedules, and other roles/commitments they may have outside of coaching.

Cassidy Preston, PhD Sport Psychology Consultant Consistent Elite Performance Cassidy's doctoral research focused on positive youth development within elite sport. He applies his research as a sport psychology consultant with professional and youth athletes, teams, and parents. In addition to consulting, he is the head coach of the Richmond Hill Coyotes Bantam AAA hockey team.

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There’s a dreadful condition that affects parents and strikes us when we least expect it. It’s not transmitted through handshakes or sneezes like the common cold, but in the sneakiest way imaginable: through shared (and often unsolicited) opinions. It’s called Parent Peer Pressure, or PPP. You, or someone you know, is likely suffering from it as we speak. Here’s how PPP works: You’re catching up with a friend over coffee when you innocently say, “Mary is really enjoying her break from ballet right now.” “A break?” replies your friend. “Are you sure? We put our little Simone in a specialized camp over the summer and she’s improved sooooo much…” And there it is: You are the victim of a sudden attack of PPP.

WHAT TO DO

WHEN A CASE OF PARENT PEER PRESSURE STRIKES Richard Monette

In a split second, the comforting certainty that you’ve done the right thing for your child is gone. The peace of mind is replaced by the nagging questions: “What if I’m making a mistake? What if Mary falls behind the other kids?”

PPP is on the rise Sadly, PPP seems to be on the rise. Parents have always shared opinions about what is best for kids, but now they have a powerful broadcasting system at their disposal: social media. To quote Katy Steinmetz from an article in Time Magazine: “This generation [of parents] has no Dr. Spock. They have a zillion competing Facebook friends and Internet “experts” — none authoritative and many contradicting one another.” An innocent comment from someone doing something different with their kids, especially someone we respect and know to be a thoughtful parent, can send us into second-guessing. It can be confusing and overwhelming.

Welcome to the PPP support group. I write about PPP because I am in the middle of a mild attack myself. As my son moves up the hockey system, more opportunities present themselves. As we navigate these opportunities, we (my son, my wife, and I) are trying to make the right decision for what will be best for him. Because I work in sport and understand the long-term athlete development model, I have a good idea of what is right for a 13-year-old kid. And yet, I am still affected by what other parents are saying.

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I still have to manage doubts. I can’t imagine what it’s like for parents who aren’t as familiar with current research and recommendations: - The mom who knows nothing about ballet that is told her son has “principal dancer” potential and should be enrolled in individual lessons. - The dad who doesn’t know hockey and told his daughter has “college” potential and should attend extra summer camps. Add sound bites from a few well-meaning parents and PPP strikes again.

The good news is that it’s possible to manage PPP. With a few simple strategies, that really just amount to a shift in perspective, it’s easy to feel more confident with your decisions even in the face of other parents’ contradictory opinions. Strategy 1: Trust your child. Really trust them. You can trust your kids when it comes to what’s good or not good for them. For this to work, you have to fulfill a few conditions as a parent: - First, put your own opinion

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aside and keep an open mind. - Second, present the options and choices to your child in a simple and direct way. - Finally, listen and watch. They will tell you and show you how they feel. Your child’s body language won’t lie. “Do you want to do the swim camp next week?” you ask. “Sure,” your child responds without enthusiasm, her head bowed and shoulders hunched over. Maybe it’s the right time to ask her if she’s feeling tired from swimming. Or maybe it’s time to go suggest a family swim instead. This kind of communication with your child takes a little practice and time to develop trust. But if your goal is to help them be active for life, then it’s a worthwhile investment.

Strategy 2: Inform yourself. AfL makes it easy Most parents don’t back up their opinion with extensive research. Instead, they repeat “sound bites” — chunks of truth — that makes sense to them. In the social media era, the challenge is to find the sounds bites that are actually based on sound science. When it comes to sports and physical activity, Active for Life can be your go-to for PPP inoculation. We’ve taken the science and expert advice and made it easy for the busiest parents to arm themselves with PPP-abating information. Of course, the challenge is to read the information with an open mind. And the goal is to identify the key sounds bites that inform and make things clearer for you. Strategy 3: Write down what makes sense for your child If you have followed steps 1 and 2, you likely have a good grip on what is best for your child. There is great value in writing down the key principles you believe in so you can go back to them when in doubt. For my son, we did this as a family. We called it our “manifesto”. We kept it simple and narrowed it down to three principles: 1. Transition to specialization: At 13, my son is at the beginning of the phase of the LTAD in which he should choose to specialize in a sport. The key word here is “beginning”. Like anything else it should be a transition to specializing in hockey and not an abrupt change where he stops everything else.

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2. Enjoyment: The second key principle is that it MUST be fun or it’s not worth it. It’s no secret that many teenagers drop out of sport. Often the seriousness of organized sport is cited as the main cause for kids quitting. This is common sense, but it’s good to remember why kids play sport in the first place. What was really valuable here is that we discussed with our son what made hockey fun for him. He answered that he loved skating, improving his skills, and being with kids like him. 3. Stay grounded: Finally, the last principle came from a hockey specialist that I heard speak one day. His words stayed with me: “If you want to help your kids in hockey, make sure they are in the system, but be wise and protect them from the system at the same time.” Reminding yourself that every child and every family have different needs at different times can be helpful to keep PPP at bay.

"IN A SPLIT SECOND, THE COMFORTING CERTAINTY THAT YOU’VE DONE THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR CHILD IS GONE. THE PEACE OF MIND IS REPLACED BY THE NAGGING QUESTIONS: 'WHAT IF I’M MAKING A MISTAKE? WHAT IF MARY FALLS BEHIND THE OTHER KIDS?'" Just like the seasonal cold, you will still be infected by PPP. But when you’re confident that you’ve done your homework, and that you’re in tune with what is best for your child, it’s less likely to keep you up at night.

Active for Life is a national initiative created to help parents raise physically literate children. At activeforlife.com, parents, educators, and coaches will find fun activities, engaging articles, and free resources to get kids active, healthy and happy. Sign up for Active for Life’s monthly newsletters. Connect with Active for Life on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

We're a network of Canadian researchers who work to connect research and practice in sport. We use a concept called Positive Youth Development (PYD). PYD is about building children's strengths and teaching life skills through sport.

The trusted source for evidencebased youth sport information

We provide information that can help parents, coaches, teachers, and sport organizations to create programs that maximize the potential for PYD through sport.

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RESEARCH REPORT:

“SPORTS ARE BROUGHT UP BUT NEVER OPENLY DISCUSSED”: PARENTS’ INFLUENCE ON SPORT PARTICIPATION WITHIN TORONTO NEIGHBOURHOOD IMPROVEMENT AREAS LAUREN WOLMAN, MA

The City of Toronto has identified 31 Neighbourhood Improvement Areas (NIA), which have higher rates of unemployment, more lowincome families, poorer housing, more newcomers to Canada, and higher use of social support resources compared to the city average. In 2016, the city made a commitment to improving sport spaces within NIAs, given the wide range of benefits associated with sport participation, such as health and wellbeing, civic engagement, increased educational attainment and economic prosperity. However, not everyone has the same access or positive experiences in sport. For example, immigrant youth are less likely to participate in sport due to language difficulties, unfamiliarity of activities, financial challenges and feeling of discrimination and exclusion.

generation immigrants (i.e., born outside of Canada, or born in Canada, with parents born outside of Canada) from diverse countries (e.g., Malaysia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Eritrea). Most youth began participating in organized sport through their elementary school, with many starting around nine years of age, when school teams became available. However, some started in middle and high school, when a wider range of sport programs became available.

This article presents results from recent research about parents’ roles in sport among youth living in Toronto NIAs, and offers some recommendations based on this research. Youth that participated in the research were first or second Photo source: David Cooper/Toronto Star

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Overall, youth felt their parents were generally supportive of sport participation but typically did not seek out sport opportunities, due to lack of time and resources, which was often related to immigration settlement. As one youth shared, …it’s just that all the immigrant families here are working pretty hard just because they are here and they’ve given up a lot to be here. So that has a lot of pressures on the youth and the parents themselves. Sports are brought up but never openly discussed… Many explained how their parents were unfamiliar with sports in Canada, and did not know where to look for sport opportunities, which led to their limited involvement, particularly during childhood. Many parents also had concerns over safety, which limited the time their children spent playing sports in the community with friends (particularly girls). The youth suggested parents often prioritized school, and saw sport as a risk to youths’ commitment to academics. Furthermore, many youth would have preferred to have started sport earlier in childhood and for their parents to be more involved in their participation (e.g., attending games, playing sport together).

"Not everyone has the same access or positive experiences in sport. For example, immigrant youth are less likely to participate in sport due to language difficulties, unfamiliarity of activities, financial challenges and feeling of discrimination and exclusion." Some reflected on how parents from other communities were more involved in their children’s sport from a young age, and how those children had more chances to develop their sport skills. The youth in this study became increasingly aware of this when they tried out for school teams and realized other players were more advanced. It is interesting to note that children were often mindful of their parents’ settlement challenges. Sometimes they even sacrificed opportunities to participate in sport because of the strain they knew it might cause their parents; however, they also explained that their parents likely would have supported them if they had asked.

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Recognizing the challenges that parents within NIAs may face, here are some recommendations to increase sport participation among children and youth in NIAs: 1. Community-based sport programming Sport programming should be local, affordable, visible and flexible, given that many newcomers are focused on settlement, which limits their time and resources. Although parents did not necessarily seek out sport programs for their children, they were generally supportive, particularly when children showed interest in an activity. Sports program should consider initiatives that actively engage with parents (e.g., direct mail) and children (e.g., introducing community-based programs in schools). Also, consideration needs to be made to support newcomer parents, such as running immigrant settlement support services concurrently with children’s sport programming and providing programming for different age groups at the same time to support families with multiple children.

2. Providing enhanced safe sport spaces As parents often perceived that public community spaces were not safe, improved lighting and supervision within informal sport spaces (e.g., outdoor courts, fields, etc.) could make parents more comfortable supporting participation. Improved spaces may also allow parents more flexibility to engage in sports with their children (e.g., evenings).

Lauren Wolman, MA PhD Candidate York University lwolman@yorku.ca Lauren is a PhD Candidate in the School of Kinesiology and Health Science at York University. Her work focuses on understanding sport experiences of special populations and within diverse communities, with the intention of delivering more inclusive sport environments that support participation and performance. 3. Opening up communication lines within the family There may be value in opening communication lines between parents and children to share feelings, concerns and interests related to sport. More often not, when a child shared their interest in participating in an organized sport activity, parents were pleased to provide support. Given the benefits of sport participation, it is important to support youth's engagement in sport by removing barriers and increasing accessibility. Our research found that despite the many challenges faced by parents of youth in NIAs, parents could play an important role in supporting their children’s sport participation.

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ASK AN EXPERT We understand that parenting in youth sport can be challenging. Recently, Kurtis Pankow from PYD SportNET sat with Dr. Nick Holt in an 'Ask an Expert' Facebook Live event to answer some of your burning questions on parenting in youth sport. Q: We often hear that children should "sample" a range of different sports in order to find out what they like. As a parent, how do you judge what is an appropriate level of involvement in sports? How do you make sure that you’re not overscheduling your kids? Nick: Well when you’re sampling different sports you’re not necessarily putting them in a competitive environment. They are 6-8 year olds, so if you’re putting them in a sport that is 5 days a week, I would not advise that. [When sampling different sports] we’re talking about camps, we're talking about a couple of after school programs, this type of stuff. It comes back to balance. It’s not just sport. Kids are going to do music, they are going to do arts. They need free time, especially when they’re young, to just play with their friends and go out in their neighbourhood and go to the playground and all that kind of stuff. So I don’t think there’s a specific rule for how much you should schedule your kid but I would say the general principle is to have balance, make sure they’ve got a couple of nights a week where they’re not tied to activities and try to let them go out and play. Q: My 12 year old daughter doesn’t seem to be giving her best effort in sport, and doesn’t seem to be enjoying it much. What can I do to rekindle her effort and enjoyment to participate in sport? Nick: Think about your own life as a parent, if you’ve got something you’re not motivated to do, you’re not enjoying it and you’re not trying hard at it, as a parent, you’ll

Want to hear all of Dr. Nick Holt's answers? Watch Part 1 and Part 2 of the 'Ask an Expert' live event on the PYD SportNET Facebook page here!

probably just stop doing it. If you pick up golf and you don’t like to go out and practice it, you’re probably not going to play for long because you get that choice. Sometimes with kids they’re not getting that choice. Children often report that they feel pressure from their parents in sport, even though their parents aren’t trying to put pressure on them. Even 12 year old know that their parents need to pay registration and have to drive them there and make all these sacrifices for their sport… If you’ve got a situation like that, my best advice is to find another sport. I know that seems quite harsh but just think of it, if the kid is there for your reasons and not their own and they're not enjoying it, it’s probably not the right environment. Or maybe they enjoy the sport and they just need to find another context. Maybe it’s too competitive, maybe it’s too recreational. But if it’s not working you’ve got to make a change. Q: My 14 year-old son has soccer tryouts coming up and he’s really nervous. How can a parent help their kid cope with the nerves before a tryout? Tryouts are brutal. It’s a terrible part of what we have to do in youth sport, but we have to do it, especially when kids get older and there’s only so many teams- Not everyone can play and it’s a competitive environment. My advice to that 14 year old, if I was his parent, I would tell him leading up to the tryout “to give it everything you’ve got”. During the tryout, I would tell him “Play with freedom, go out there and try to show your best, don’t worry about making mistakes.” So take that kind of attitude. Kids should go out there thinking “I’m going to play as freely and with as much enjoyment as I can, I’m going to give it my best effort. And if my best effort isn’t good enough, that’s fine.” If you instill that attitude, it might not take the fear away, but it might take some of the nerves away, and might help your kid see where you’re coming from, that not making the team is OK as long as you’re giving your best effort.

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