VUSAC election results

eld of candidates, but Willy Churchill emerged as Vice-President External in a landslide victory, largely due to his promise to ght the rats terrorising Burwash Dining Hall. He is quoted saying, “We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be … we shall ght in the elds and in the streets, we shall ght in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

Vice-President Internal went to Daniella Trump, who promised to “make this council great again.” When asked how she planned to do that, she went on a tirade against University of Toronto Schools (UTS), claiming “when UTS sends its people, they’re not sending their best.” Trump has no political experience, but claimed to be quali ed to lead VUSAC because she owns several lucrative properties on Bloor Street and refuses to divest from fossil fuels.

Victoria University Students’ Administrative Council’s (VUSAC) new President, Georgina Bush, promised to invade University College (UC) to “free the UC people” from the authoritarian regime of fraternity brothers, while also disarming them of their stash of weapons of mass destruction (Axe body spray). While public support is generally on Bush’s side, one angry student launched their shoes at Bush during last Friday’s town hall. She was unharmed and remains resolute in her plans to protect Victoria College’s security, with the help of “that one hot security guard.”

Turning to the vice presidents, it was a crowded e nal Vice Presidency, Vice-President of Student Operations, fell to Greg Santos. “I’m quali ed because I actually used to be the President of Victoria College,” he said. When asked to provide proof, Santos said “It’s written right there in my resume.” Examination by e Strand has yielded no evidence of any of Santos’ past experience. In a desperate bid to distract students from his duplicity, Santos claimed that he was grieving, because his mother “died in the Annesley Hall re.” Weeks earlier, Santos claimed that his mother was killed by the ghost that haunts Old Vic.

But the student hasn’t given up yet. Even after months of spending his Saturdays standing next to the poster and getting frustrated looks from girls passing by, he is ready to take the protest to the next level. Inspired by Tate’s latest tweets from jail about his heroic scar on his lung due to war, the student wants to do the same to show his support.

“People get tattoos for the celebrities they love—I’m going to get a scar on my lung.” e student is going into surgery next Wednesday. When asked about the fact that no one will be able to see the scar, he got emotional. “I don’t care about others. e scar will be evidence that Tate now has a permanent place in my heart—or in my lung, rather.” Dr. Bob Wilson at Sunnybrook, a lung surgeon who has saved hundreds of lives in his 25 years of experience in the eld, says he’s

VUSAC’s new Academic Commissioner is Jack Biden, a longtime VUSAC Councillor. is was Biden’s third run for Commissioner, and will (hopefully) represent his last political position at Vic. With a largely uninspired campaign, Biden was able to catapult to victory due to the fact that his opponent was so awful, Biden looked good in comparison. Student Bo Burnbam poignantly commented, “How is the best case scenario Jack Biden?”

Charismatic Justina Trudeau became Equity Commissioner. When asked what she knew about equity as a straight, cisgender, white woman, Trudeau stated that she understands the experiences of people of colour because she has previously dressed in blackface.

Turning to ex-o cio positions, new Board of Regents student representatives include Walt Laurier and Jim A MacDonald. Laurier asked students to stop calling him a “nepo baby” simply because there is a university named after him, while McDonald tried to boost his popularity with a promise to limit the number of students from Vancouver with a “Lululemon tax.”

With these new elected o cials, VUSAC meetings are sure to be nothing short of spectacular. When outgoing president Brian Obama was asked to comment, he said, “My best advice to students? Transfer.”