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Spaghetti and lasagne declared 'not pasta' at UofT

BREAKING! Utter chaos erupts in UofT as two rstyear philosophy geniuses in PHL100, William and Devarya, declare lasagne and spaghetti to be “not pasta.”

We hear about this as their friends ache in panic over their seeming descent into madness, fearing that they have acquired the disease of the learned, but they deny this and say “modern problems require modern solutions.”

In a charming, captivating, and assertive delivery, they had this to say: “It’s simple. Spaghetti and lasagne are not pasta. In fact, pasta is a state of mind, a social construct even.” ey call it the “Lady and the Tramp” theory, as a tribute to the most famous appearance of spaghetti on screen. Here’s what they had to say when we asked them to clarify the theory:

Sources say they heard about this profound theory on a Friday morning, when William and Devarya were seen describing this as the “one topic they agree on,” before their philosophy tutorial. Some students from the tutorial blame UofT time for allowing William and Devarya the extra ten minutes to think this, but they claim that their “genius” on the topic of pasta is immortal.

William: “When you imagine a pizza or sandwich, the central idea remains the same. For a pizza, it’s a circular shaped dough—square if you’re quirky—ovenbaked with marinara sauce, cheese, and toppings. For a sandwich, it’s simpler, but it’s essentially vegetables, meat, or both, between two pieces of bread. Obviously the ‘toppings’ and sauce can (sometimes) di er, but the central idea of a pizza would remain the same, as it would for a sandwich.”

Devarya: “However, for pasta it di ers severely. It’s possible to cook penne in di erent sauces with di erent vegetables or meat, and only then does the central idea remain the same. But if we were to ask someone to imagine pasta, ideally, we all would imagine penne cooked in di erent sauces with di erent veggies or meat, but because society is so admonishingly cruel, they sought out to misrepresent pasta, and created three million variants of it; hence, one might imagine spaghetti (which is essentially noodles) or lasagne instead. Neither of which are remotely similar to penne.” is is the crux of their argument, but, naturally, the complexity has only been able to reach the small crowd who agree, as they exemplarily claim those who disagree to be “wrong, like, bro you’re wrong,” repeating this phrase verbatim at anyone who shudders a doubt at their argument.

So, when you or I ask someone to draw pasta, how are we to draw the same shape (even if the toppings vary)? And since we may draw two radically di erent images, how can the third party identify pasta? How do we know that penne is the same level of pasta as ravioli or fusilli? What makes fettuccine not spaghetti? ese are the paradoxes that are being conquered by the might of these rst-year philosophy erudites.

Due to the extreme eloquence in their argument, UofT administration has agreed to the validity of the theory and now commands every dining hall and café present on campus to place spaghetti and lasagne as separate dishes that cannot be served under the same category as pasta.

In fact, they are introducing a course in the Fall 2023 session titled PST100: Pass the Pasta. e course will examine the entire construct of pasta as we thought we knew it and evaluate the determinants of what makes pasta, pasta. William and Devarya would be teaching it at least for the rst year, and both would critically study this conundrum among other controversies such as ‘hotdog isn’t a sandwich,’ e profound reactions include: “I’m morti ed for you both,” “Are you high?”, “I’m thinking about dropping ECO102,” and “My DoorDash order is ten minutes late bro.” e UofT student community has expressed their deep concerns for this seemingly obnoxious theory proposed by these two, asking them to “just sleep please” and have sincerely requested them to step down from their research. ey now await the reactions from pasta communities all across the world, while planning a summer abroad in Italy to take a break from the whole pasta dilemma and eat some burgers instead. ey were spotted on ursday before the philosophy lecture wearing badges calling themselves “snacks,” while their peers were seen weeping in exasperation.

‘croissants are better than baguettes,’ ‘pineapple on pizza is dessert,’ and ‘cucumbers are colder pickles’ in an attempt to immortalise their food knowledge.

“Lasagne is closer to a cake than to pasta,” says Devarya. To which William adds, “If spaghetti is pasta, is ramen too? Why is spaghetti more pasta than ramen?” Both have antagonised their peers.

When we asked them about their dedication towards the topic, they simply stated, “Never gonna give you up.”