Can’t help falling in love—but why?

Exploring the psychology behind our love interests and understanding ‘love at first sight’

The other day, I was listening to a song by Ashe and Niall Horan, titled “Moral of the Story,” which goes something like this:

“Talking with my lawyer, / She said ‘Where’d you find this guy?’ / I said, ‘Young people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes.’”

And the song right after that was the Beatles’ “I Saw Her Standing There,” which goes like this: “Well, she looked at me, / And I, I could see/ That before too long, / I'd fall in love with her.”

(It is safe to say Spotify shuffle was really inching towards the Valentine vibes.)

Listening to these lyrics, I wondered, “what does love at first sight really mean?” Is it really glamorous and breathtakingly slow-motioned, with flying hair and perfect smiles? Or is it what happens after this first sight that truly plants the seed for the future? Well, let’s find out!

First, we must examine the psychology and facts behind what love at first sight means: how does this love at first sight occur? When people say, ‘You’ll know it when it happens’, as suspicious and stupid as it may sound, they are actually right. Our brain secretes certain chemicals (the trusty neurotransmitters dopamine and oxytocin), which trigger a relaxing, happy response, making us feel euphoric and trusting. This triggers the well-known ‘butterflies’ in our stomach and sets us up to fall in love. This effect is more commonly noted in men; one study showed that of the people who reported falling in love at first sight, 41 percent were men, and 29 percent were women.

For women, this happens at an even more up-close and personal level—pheromones or natural smells. As a part of the 1995 “sweaty t-shirt study,” it was found that women favoured the smell of those men whose major histocompatibility complexes (MHCs) were very different from their own, which in a longer run would result in having kids with better immune systems. Talk about a call from ‘within.’

When Al Pacino in Scarface said, “The eyes [...] they never lie,” he was also very right. Sight plays a fundamental role in attraction, as prolonged eye contact is seen to increase attraction, skyrocket blood pressure, and increase the urge for mutual touch. But (there’s always a villainous ‘but’ butting in), this interest and change in heart rate, pupil dilation, and urge are mostly seen in those who classify themselves as ‘romantics’ and very rarely in those who don’t. That sounds like a shady structure.

In a 2017 study, the efficacy of love at first sight was explored to see how well it works for finding potential matches. Sadly—but rather expectedly—it did not bode well. Quoting from the study, “The moment of LAFS [love at first sight] does not seem to be marked by high passion for a person and does not seem to involve feelings of love at all, but a readiness to experience them at best [...] We conclude that LAFS is a strong initial attraction seen either retrospectively or in the moment of first sight.” It was a predictable outcome, for sure, but is not always the best option, as the sole contender in the argument is looks—and trust me, just because someone looks like a ten doesn’t mean they deserve to be a ten.

Love at first sight is, therefore, more of a myth, a concoction, or even an idealisation of love—to make people continue to believe in love, and show people what it means to be in love. It is a catalyst in making people ready to put themselves into the world, open for love, right around the corner.

So, what does it mean for us? It means that finding someone you lock eyes with doesn’t make them your perfect partner. Nurturing a relationship, taking it slowly and steadily to the next level, learning, and being honest with each other along the way, is really the only type of love we need.

Basically, it should always feel like Tina Turner’s “The Best,” which goes like this:

“You're simply the best, better than all the rest / Better than anyone, anyone I've ever met.”