The trials and tribulations of online dating

Decentring romance

Online dating is not for the faint of heart (me)

CELENA HO ASSOCIATE STRANDED EDITOR

I’m outing myself as a (tragically) online dater. I have never made an in-person connection because I don’t know how to, and at this point I’m starting to believe that I never will. Every person that I have ever been romantically involved with has come to me through some algorithm that convinced me a random stranger would be ‘the one.’ I am the friend who struggles on dating apps and swears that I hate them while my profile appears alive and well. Through experience, I learned to recognize red flags early on, text back at an appropriate non-desperate time, and pretend to be the most interesting and perfect person on the planet. The worst thing I had to learn, though, was the fact that online dating works on a strict schedule. There are strange, spoken and unspoken understandings among everyone on these apps. Who would’ve guessed that there are deadlines for dating? On Bumble, girls have 24 hours to respond, or else your match becomes just another potential lover lost to the cruel hand of time. It’s supposedly all in the name of ‘female empowerment,’ but I just end up feeling like a court jester, juggling knives at my own detriment to entertain a man who will never appreciate my craft. Other apps don’t have a countdown, but if neither person makes a move within a day, then it just becomes a mutual ghosting. But I’m on the other side with my arms out, screaming “Love me! I’m right here! Just make the first move and I’m all yours. My expectations are low!”

You’d think I would’ve realized this earlier, but online dating is not for the faint of heart (i.e., me). It’s fast and it rips your heart out for you to chase down, only for it to be swept away again. If I take too long to respond, I’m punished with a wait time that is twice as long. If you’re wondering, the perfect ‘wait-response’ formula is one week. In other words, a date is not secured within a week of talking, it’s a waste of time. The small talk happens over two or three days, and if you’re lucky a date is secured. Say it’s a Wednesday, and you choose either Friday or Saturday to hang out. Probably over coffee or walking around the AGO. You can decide what to do next. I’m sorry, but this is where my expertise ends. I have only made it past the first date level twice; they either realize that I’m not what they’re looking for or they realize that I’m a human being with nuance and feelings and the image that I so painstakingly curated is shattered. Of course, that girl is not me. For them, I have to break my body, stretch my limbs into uncomfortable positions, and hold back the softest parts of me just for them to maybe be interested. This is fucking exhausting.

I might just be the greatest liar on the planet. I have created a ‘cool girl’ persona, courtesy of Gillian Flynn. I appeal to my dates’ interests, talk to them about history, read books, and enjoy Marvel movies. I rip out my heart and present it to them for inspection. In return, they give me a rough paper-mâché copy of their own. They don’t appreciate me when I get to know them and try to find anything to be excited about. When people ask me what my type is, I say that I just want them to like me back. Is it too much to ask that they’re kind and funny? My friends laugh and tell me that those qualities are the bare minimum. If only they knew that they’re actually commodities. My standards are so horrendously low, that I fall in love with everyone I meet. When I hear my name uttered out in a sentence, my heart beats faster. I still think about the boy that held the door for me once in grade ten.

These men show me crumbs of basic human decency and I fall in love with their potential. Maybe I just want them to think the same of me. I have so much to share and to say. Come to my dinner party and I’ll cook for you—just stay and help me clean the dishes afterwards. I have so much that I want to share. I’m still here! Just take it! I’m giving away my love and time for free, you fool! I’ll happily tell you the same three stories and reuse my jokes even if that means it’ll be the last time I do. I’ll write about you in my journal in pen. I’ll tell my friends your name rather than call you ‘the new one.’ Just crack me open and my love will spill everywhere. On the outside, my cynical shell protects me from being broken into, but for once, I want it to break. It’s almost masochistic of me to continue dating in an attempt to fall in love and have my heart creacked open in the right way. But for now, I simply prevent myself from feeling anything at all.

My therapist laughed when I told her that I was entering my ‘I hate men’ era, but later in the session I told her that deep down, I think I just want to be in love with someone that wants to be in love with me. I’m too soft for all of the people ‘looking for something casual.’ I want someone so disgustingly in love with me that it rots my teeth and burns my throat. I’ve convinced myself that I will never find that on a dating app, so I remain skeptical and cynical. I hate these platforms. I delete them from my phone every month only to return like a sucker. It’s not what I want, but it’s the only thing I have. It crumbles my sense of self. I forget that I’m a real human being with so many beautiful intricacies and not simply an imagined concept of myself, put on display for people to gawk at me and tell me I’m not worth much. Maybe I’m just weak and not cut out for it. I get attached too easily. In an oil-less place where everyone is a non-stick skillet, I am an egg.

Position at The Strand: Opinions Editor

One word to describe my love life is… rollercoaster

If you (blank), I will immediately reject you diss astrology

My most chaotic date/date idea is... robbing a bank together (I have actually pitched this to someone lmfao)

The good ending of my storyline would be... riding off into the sunset (moving into a 2 bedroom loft in Manhattan)

If you’ve ever been in love it! For The Strand is here once again to completely shake up your romantic life. The Features team asked the masthead to bare their souls, answer the hard questions, and play the fickle game of love. Many refused, but here are the responses we did get.

Position at The Strand: Court Jester

One word to describe my love life is… labyrinthian

If you (blank), I will immediately reject you: have an average daily screen time greater than 1 hour on Tiktok

My most chaotic date/date idea is... infiltrating a furniture trade show at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre

Position at The Strand: Mascot Manager

The bad ending of my storyline would be... Inside a volcano

An ick I get is… When you look better in knit sweaters than my cat would (if she had any)

My most chaotic date/date idea is... Have you heard of Hanlan’s Point?

If you (blank), I will fall in love with you: Write for The Strand

Janus Kwong Janna Abbas Roensa Salija

Position at The Strand: Production Manager

One word to describe my love life is… Simp

One thing I can't live without is... Regrettably, TikTok

A song that describes my love life is...

“Let You Break My Heart Again,” by Laufey lol

My red flag is... I WILL hyperfixate on my partner

Position at The Strand: Co-Girlboss-in-Chief

The good ending of my storyline would be... Acting on my delusions paying off :) The bad ending of my storyline would be... Acting on my delusions not paying off :( My red flag is... Don't have one—nooo babe, don't take off those rose-colored glasses, you're so sexy ahah Don't give me flowers or chocolate, I want (blank)! tear-streaked love letters confessing your undying and all-consuming love for me

Position at The Strand: Senior Copy Editor

One word to describe my love life is… A series of delusions

If you (blank), I will fall in love with you: Ignore me and leave me on read

Don't give me flowers or chocolate, I want (blank)! Access to your streaming subscription services

A song that describes my love life is...

“You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift

Faith Wershba

Position at The Strand: Stranded Editor (blank) is my way of saying I love you! Wawawewa!

My red flag is… The Canadian flag. My green flag is... The Brazilian flag.

On a Friday night, you can find me... You can't. I'm hiding.

Kelsey Phung

Position at The Strand: Photo Editor (blank) is my way of saying I love you! Send you random thing I find interesting

A song that describes my love life is... “Hello” by TREASURE

My green flag is... You can cook

The good ending of my storyline would be... We could still say hello comfortably

Sam Rosati Martin

Sarah Abernethy Kieran Guimond

Position at The Strand: TikTok Philosophizer

Don't give me flowers or chocolate, I want (blank)!

Speak for yourself Features team, I want flowers. The bad ending of my storyline would be... I write a play about your life.

On a Friday night, you can find me... Out dancing! Or throwing a party with a hyper-specific theme. One word to describe my love life is... Baffling.

Position at The Strand: Science Editor

A song that describes my love life is... “I / Me / Myself” - Will Wood

An ick I get is... When men are taller than me

My most chaotic date/date idea is... Breaking into Ramsay Wright at night and looking at brains together <3

My ideal meet-cute would be... You're a customer at Caffiends, I'm behind the counter, I make you the best latte of your life and you fall in love with me

Position at The Strand: Gossip Enjoyer

One word to describe my love life is… Bewitched/ bothered/bewildered

A song that describes my love life is... She-wolf...

Don't give me flowers or chocolate, I want (blank)!

A mysterious locked box that emits a low and ominous humming noise, and is opened in my moment of greatest peril or doubt

The bad ending of my storyline would be... A big bird picks me up and flies into the distance with me and not you :(

Position at The Strand: Associate Features Editor (blank) is my way of saying I love you! Putting your name into the Love % Calculator on girlsgogames.com

The good ending of my storyline would be... Fed up with my tomfoolery, you convince me to adopt healthy habits and a diurnal lifestyle. I finally have the time and energy to commit to you. We take pictures of pigeons and buy CDs together.

My ideal meet-cute would be...I tried to think of one but couldn’t because I can’t imagine a single scenario where I’m not embarrassing myself in front of someone I just met