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Tomorrow Is Just Around The Coroner

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oung, healthy and living in California, the most privileged state in the most privileged country, we take everything for granted. Perhaps the worst mistakes we commit in our youth can be attributed to our shortsightedness. We drink and smoke and screw and stay out all night partying because we can—we’re young. The swimming brain lives in the moment. It never contemplates the inevitability of death, or the hours our habits will shave off time spent with loved ones, with any mind to prevent or even postpone the conclusion.

It’s an oddity of human nature few escape. We’re self-destructive, even if we’re enjoying the process. Goodtime gluttons, we jeer at the thought that we will, unless otherwise extinguished, one day lie in a bed, alive with tubes, as the subject of our family’s gaping stares. Because it’s far off, we ignore the fact that it’s what’s waiting for us. I’m not above it, I’m just aware and in awe of it.

I realize that we don’t care now, but when we’re lying there hopeless, I guarantee that we’ll regret our indiscretions.

It’s a fact of life that we are all too willing to ignore. Old age is well on its way; it’s our actions today that define tomorrow.

It’s cliché because it’s true. I often look at my hands and think

of how they’ll look when I’m 80, knowing that with God’s help that day will be here. When I’m staring at these same hands that are typing this letter, I’ll question if they were well used.

Did I do as much as I could to put a fingerprint on this planet?

Did I give myself a fair chance, or did I act in such a way that took ten years from me?

Ask a smoker why he does something he knows will eventually kill him, he’ll inevitably tell you, “I’m going to die anyway.” I wonder if that will be their mindset when they live to see their grandkids to be 10 instead of 20 or more. Are we giving up? Is life so dismal that we’ve resigned ourselves to entering an early grave? Is it just that the nightlife is simply too fun to give up? Seriously! These aren’t rhetorical questions; I want to know what you think.

The time I’ve spent drinking and screwing around, if put to better use, might have earned me a Pulitzer. Where do I go from here? Having faced facts, do I resume, or rather spend time being productive, time that would otherwise have been forgotten in a drunken debauch? It’s a tough one, truly. Some say it’s best to live hard; life is about experiences. Of course, the downside is what I’ve talked about here—an early demise.

Is what we’ll miss by not abusing ourselves greater than what we’ll gain with an extra ten years of life, in addition to getting a better use of our time? It’s a gamble. We’ve all got one body, one life, and one chance to get it right.

A Shot To The Media No one has to travel far to see the presence of violence in our society. Just turn on the television. Brutal murders, shootings, and robberies are depicted on the news every day across the United States, and especially in Los Angeles. The media and their influences have been targeted for the disintegration of father figures and the rises in youth violence, poverty, gangs, drugs... and the list goes on. However, one must understand that violence cannot be blamed on one social aspect, but must be attributed to all the characteristics that make this society a reality. Ultimately, violence is a cultural epidemic that must first be addressed at home before it is tackled through the media and on the streets. If not at home, than where will our youth learn to utilize positive acts of socialization, thus ultimately becoming positive members of society?

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

Violence is more common these days than it has been in years. According to the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation in 1996, there were 1,907 male arrests under the age of eighteen for murder and non-negligent manslaughter. After distinguishing between such statistics, questions arise.

Who are the father figures, the parents, the role models for today’s youth? And, more importantly, where are they? It seems to me that violence starts in the home before it reaches the neighborhoods or is influenced by society. They say that home is where the

heart is. It is where an individual learns all of his morals and values that serve as the bases of his actions. Early childhood experiences are tremendously important.

If, at six years old, a child is spending more time playing Doom Raider video games than playing with neighborhood friends, he is learning that shooting someone as a game is okay. Now it is not the video game that is making him act this way, but the neglect from the parents that allows him to spend excess amounts of time in front of a television.

At this point, the parents need to step in and enforce games of healthy competition, like basketball, ping pong, swimming, etc.

It is not only the media teaching violence to the young, but the lack of proper attention from parents to teach kids appropriate play time.

Some say violence is attributable to the media or primarily to povertystricken areas. Virtually all

Rock Your Minority

Last week, I read an article about the woes and worries of being a 17-year-old boy in college. I was shocked to read about the dilemmas he faces—can he stay out late, can he ask older girls for their number, should he hang out with high schoolers? What the hell is going on here?!

After giving it some thought, I think I’ve figured the situation out. Whoever wrote this article obviously has something I don’t—mainly a larger dose of testosterone and a johnson.

I’m sure all the underage ladies out there can agree with me: being 17 and in college is not as bad as you‘d think. Yes, people

independent scholars conclude that there is evidence that television can cause aggressive behavior.

I agree; almost anyone would. However, targeting the media and promoting censorship is not what is going to make violence amongst the youth subside So, what is it that makes America so special? We lead the world in underage murders, stabbings, and robberies, yet we still seem to be the ideal place to raise a family. Nobody can isolate one central issue for the cause of teenage violence because poverty, drugs, accessibility to guns, media, and family disintegration are all to blame. How well children are raised determines their vulnerability to the social issues that might bombard them after that. Ultimately, violence is a multi-faceted issue; the media is not the sole cause. Where do you stand?

By Dayna Randazzo

By Rachel Woodford give you loads of shit about it. Yes, people assume you’re a lot smarter then you probably are. But that’s a small price to pay, considering the benefits.

Anyone who has ever gone to a frat party knows it only takes one thing to get in, and it’s not a penis. Guys are basically screwed unless they know the person at the door, or unless the girl they are with has enough cleavage showing for the both of the them. Cash bribes are occasionally acceptable.

If a guy is lucky enough to get into the party, he then gets to stand in a beer line that weaves throughout the whole house and continually gets longer as girls wiggle their way up to the front. If he ever reaches the end, he is told there is nothing left... while the guardian of the keg continues pouring cups for all the girls he’d like to rail.

Uninformed individuals think a huge deterrent of being underage is not being able to have a wild and steamy babymaking session with anyone 18 or older. All I can do is laugh at that assumption.

In my experience, if you get far enough into a conversation where a guy asks you how old you are, he already assumes he’ll be laying pipe.

Asking a girl’s age is a just way for guys to cover their tracks.

Of course, once you tell them you’re only 17, they’ll respond with “Jailbait!” or “I guess you’re off limits... right?” They don’t really care. Trust me. The bottom line is, if anyone asks, they will claim that you said you were 18.

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“Uhh, no... Sorry, I turn eighteen on the 31st of Never...”

Girls live by different rules, so being 17 in college isn’t quite the bummer it’s made out to be. The way I see it, everything is always negotiable. Always. You just need a game plan and a touch of charm. By the time I turned 17, I had all the tattoos and piercings I could possibly want. Looking older is a big plus, but not the clincher. The reality is, almost any girl can get anything she wants.

That’s the way it’s always been, and it’s the way it will forever stay.

Editor-in-Chief Patrick Dooley Managing Editors Dan Steinbacher Brian Dunning Associate Editor Natalie Vratney News Director Amanda Parsons Executive Section Editors Opinions Noah Karp News Andrew J. Loyola Feature Brian Dunning Entertainment Katie Wynne Music Conor Izzett Literature Mike Guardabascio Sports J.J. Fiddler Comics Andrew Wilson Creative Arts Miles Lemaire Random Reviews Brian Dunning Grunion Pineablo Public Relations Music & Entertainment Matt Dupree Literature Mike Guardabascio Photography Editor Alisha Willis Advertising Representative Elijah Bates Graphic Design Brian Dunning Web Design Jeff Gould Mary Koestner Cover By Brian Dunning Cartoonist Miles Lemaire Matt Byrd Distribution Mike Guardabascio Copy Editor Noah Karp Contributors Ray Duran, Kevin Malinowski, Elijah Bates, Victor Camba, Sean Boulger, Jeffrey Spafford, Jesse Gayda, Dominic McDonald, Dayna Randazzo, Rachel Woodford, Joey Calmer, Giuliano De Pieri, Matt Grey, Miles Lemaire, Jen Perry, Matthew Hall, Jeremiah Mendoza, Christine Johnson, Ryan ZumMallen, Jessica Deahl, Caroline Sinay Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding by the Associated Students, Inc. All editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union, the A.S.I., or CSULB. All students are welcome to be a part of the Union staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length.

The Union will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 300 words. Letters to the editor will always take precedence over prior in-house content when received. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available at the AS Business office. Any person taking more than 1 copy of the Union must first contact the Union for permission, and is subject to a possible fee.

Union Weekly 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 (562) 985-4867 union@csulb.edu Visit Us Online @ www.lbunion.com

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By Matthew Hall

Being a transfer student, I was not able to know the ins and outs of registering for classes at CSULB. With the promise of helpful information, and the guarantee that I would get to register early after I met with an academic counselor, I signed up for S.O.A.R. With my fifty dollars I was also given the chance to sample some delicacies that came out of that god-loving place called the cafeteria, and/or The Nugget.

As a sociology major, I was put into the group of socialites and shipped off into an “academic introduction” to my major (basically a professor who went on about how sociology is the best social science ever!) and a group question session with some student aides—some of whom did not speak very good English, I might add. And that was it. It was now time for the group to pick the classes in which we were going to spend the next 16 weeks. This was an anticipatory moment, until we found out that the classes we got to choose from were already picked over.

Such is life; we were new to this school, so we had to start at the bottom. Never mind the 3-5 years we just spent in community colleges...

Now, seven weeks into the semester, I am baffled about how our S.O.A.R. “academic advisors” did not let any of us poor transfer students know that taking all upper-division classes was a HORRIBLE idea. Everybody I have talked to who attended this little advising seminar has had the same complaint: that we have been thrown to the wolves. While one professor scolds us every other week for not taking a “required” 300-level course, the student advising clan told me that I could take any 400-level class that might catch my interest. One point that the advisors did make clear is that we should be accepting of the fact that our first semester is going to be hard, and that our grades will suffer for a little while. Of course our grades our going to suffer—we are being cut off at the knees by not knowing which are the right classes to register for!

So now GPAs will plummet, professors will “teach us a lesson” about taking upper-division classes, and these S.O.A.R “counselors” will sell another group of pawns upriver for that nice fifty-dollar check.

In theory, S.O.A.R is a great idea…but don’t sell a dream when in fact, these kids will be living a 16week nightmare.

“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll be fine.”

Freedom of Your Mother

By Michaël Veremans Everyone keeps prattling on about this freedom of speech, especially around the newspaper. All I have to say is, What is the big deal with the First Amendment? I understand that it was needed 200 years ago to fight off the Indians in the frontier territory and all that, but it’s clear that that has long since been outdated, abused and—most of all—just annoying.

The idea of freedom of speech is an old idea, something that came out of the enlightenment of the 18th century. We should be over it by now. Seriously, we don’t still believe that the human body is run by hydraulics controlled by our souls, so why bother with freedom of the press? There are probably a lot of things in the Constitution that are out of fashion, like the Second Amendment and the last couple of stupid amendments. Who decided on these, anyway? Not anyone that has been voted in by we, the students... It’s clear that our elected officials don’t represent the student body—or any American, for that matter.

Imagine a world without freedom of speech. There would be no one around to disagree with you or say stupid things; class would go along much faster without all the raising of the hands, etc. Also, the government would be able to get things done a lot more easily if the First Amendment were abolished. If we can outlaw alcohol, then why not? I’m really just sick and tired of all those people going on about unimportant stuff on the shuttle. Who cares? Not me, not the government.

Who cares about religious freedom? Only one religion can be true, so we will just enforce that one.... Also, who wants to assemble? Last time I saw a peaceable assembly was a bunch of fat Americans on a couch playing Tony Hawk—how is that for exercising their rights? People don’t even use it properly, so not only is it archaic, but it’s just become a kind of passé institution.

The government doesn’t seem to care very much either way, so why even bother, when all you need is money and power? I’m surprised that it hasn’t been stricken from the Constitution already to silence people like Michael Moore; all he does is lie and waste money and make stuff up. My point is that freedom of speech is either abused or neglected, so let’s just make it easy, take the weight of liberty from the shoulders of America, and raise our voices to end this terrible institution of our elders, like polygamy and opium-laced wine.

If we got rid of Amendment the First, no one would be allowed to disagree with this article, which I am happy to be able to put out through this newspaper. Without The Union, no one would be able to read my excellent and entirely true ideas... so think twice. IF any politicians read this, let’s talk on making this happen!

Ever want to know what you should do, make, say, or think? Well, if you’re lost in the sea that is The Beach, submit your questions to Michaël Veremans at mavrikomega@aol.com to be answered in the upcoming advice column “Ask the Suit”! Nothing is inappropriate—ask anything, then look in next week’s issue for the reply!

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

They Left Me S.O.A.R. ...

And $50 Poorer

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Presidential Finalists Visit CSULB This Week

By Amanda Parsons

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news

al State Long Beach has announced the four finalists for the replacement of Robert Maxson as University President.

The final candidates for the position have been announced as F. King Alexander, president of Murray State University in Kentucky, Wilson Bradshaw, president of Metropolitan State University in Minnesota, Gary Reichard, provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs at CSULB, and Richard H. Wells, University of Wisconsin Chancellor.

Each of the four will spend a day on campus this week, touring and greeting faculty, staff and students. The candidates will be present at an open forum to speak to the public from October 17th to October 20th, in the Horn Center, from 3:00pm to 4:15pm. Reichard will be available on October 17th, followed by Wells on the 18th, Bradshaw

F. King Alexander

Education: Ph.D., Higher Education Administration, University of Wisconsin - Madison M.S., Educational Studies/Comparative Education Policy, University of Oxford (England) B.A., Political Science, St. Lawrence University

Professional Experience: President, Murray State University, 2001- present Foundation Fellow, Harris Manchester College, University of Oxford, 2005-present Faculty Affiliate, Cornell University, 2003-present Faculty Affiliate, University of Illinois, 1997-present Assistant Professor, University of Illinois, 1997-2001 Coordinator of the Higher Education Program, University of Illinois, 1997-2001 Lecturer, University of Wisconsin - Madison, 1995-1997 Director of Annual Programs, University of North Carolina at Greensboro, 1991-1992 Coordinator of External Programs, University of North Carolina at Greensboro, 1990-1991

Gary Reichard

Education: Ph.D., History, Cornell University M.A., History, Vanderbilt University B.A., History, College of Wooster

on the 19th, and Alexander on the 20th.

The president will be appointed by the CSU Board of Trustees and the board chair. The board will interview all four finalists on October 26th and is expected to announce the new president by the end of October.

The chosen finalist will replace Maxson, who is retiring after 11 years as University President. Maxson will continue to work at CSULB during the coming year as Chancellor. He will also act as mentor to the new president.

Students are invited to help escort President Maxson to the Walter Pyramid for his farewell celebration on October 21st at 2:15pm. The event is designed as a way of commemorating Maxson’s tradition of walking with students from the residential halls to sporting events. Any interested students should meet in front of Lyman Lough Fountain at Brotman Hall to accompany the president to his event.

Wilson Bradshaw

Education: Ph.D., Psychobiology, University of Pittsburgh M.A., Experimental Psychology, Florida Atlantic University B.A., Psychology, Florida Atlantic University

Professional Experience: President and Professor of Psychology, Metropolitan State University, 2000-present Provost & Vice President for Academic Affairs, Bloomsburg University (PA), 1995-2000 Vice President & Dean of Graduate Studies and Professor of Psychology, Georgia Southern University, 1990-1995 Dean, Graduate Studies, Florida Atlantic University, 1988-1990 Assistant Dean, Graduate Studies, Florida Atlantic University, 1984-1988 Associate Professor, Psychology (tenured), Florida Atlantic University, 1984-1990 Assistant Professor, Pharmacology, Florida A&M University/VA Medical Center, 1981-1983 Instructor, Physiology, Wright State University, School of Medicine, 1978-1979 Instructor, Physiological Psychology, University of Pittsburgh, 1977 Instructor, Introduction to Psychology, University of Pittsburgh, 1975-1976

Richard H. Wells

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

Professional Experience: Provost and Senior Vice President for Academic Affairs, CSU Long Beach, 2002-present Associate Vice President for Academic Affairs, CSU Long Beach, 1994-2002 Professor of History, CSU Long Beach, 1994-present Chair, Department of History, Florida Atlantic University, 1992-1994 Acting Associate Dean, Schmidt College of Arts and Humanities, Florida Atlantic University, 1993-1994 Dean of Undergraduate Studies, Florida Atlantic University, 1989-1992 Associate Vice Chancellor for Academic Affairs, University of Maryland System Administration, 1985-1989 Director, University Honors Program, University of Delaware, 1983-1985 Chair, Department of History, The Ohio State University, 1977-1981

Education: Ph.D., Sociology, Texas A&M University M.A., Sociology, University of Arkansas B.A., Sociology, William Penn College

Professional Experience: Chancellor and Professor of Sociology, University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh, 2000-present Provost and Vice President for Academic Affairs and Professor of Sociology, Indiana State University, 1993-2000 Dean, College of Arts and Sciences, West Chester University, 1988-1993 Chairperson, Department of Sociology and Anthropology and Associate Professor of Sociology, University of South Alabama, 1983-1988 Assistant Professor of Sociology, University of North Carolina at Wilmington, 1979-1983 Program Coordinator and Assistant Professor of Sociology/Anthropology, Coker College, 1972-1975

Information courtesy of the CSU Executive Recruitment Website at http://executivesearch.calstate.edu.

CSULB Constructed On Fault Line; Evacuation Drills Held

By Dominic McDonald

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Last Tuesday at 1:15 pm, CSULB students and faculty participated in an emergency evacuation drill to prepare everyone for dangerous situations like earthquakes, which we are most vulnerable to because we are on an earthquake fault.

The campus is built on the NewportInglewood Fault Zone, which is 75 kilometers in length. Its slip rate is 0.6 millimeters per year. The interval between major ruptures is unknown but there is an estimated magnitude of 6.0 – 7.4 on the Richter scale for the next quake.

The last major earthquake was reported in 1933 in Long Beach, exactly three miles south of what is now Huntington Beach. It resulted in 120 deaths and over $50 mil-

lion in property damage. Many school buildings were destroyed. There were no student deaths.

The CSULB website readers are told to duck, cover and hold.

“When you feel an earthquake,” the “Beat the Quake” guide staits, “stay away from windows, bookcases, file cabinets, heavy mirrors, hanging plants, and other heavy objects that

could fall.”

According to Lt. Solrzano of the University Police, CSULB tries to have evacuation drills once a semester, although students see that there are some flaws in the drill.

“When I was walking downstairs it was hard to move,” said Ken Dang, CSULB junior. “If there was to be a real emergency, people would be pushing and it would be very chaotic.”

On the day of the drill most students were not really participating.

Some did not even know there was a drill going on. Signs posted throughout campus about the drill, were not given much attention.

“Students should prepare and take these drills more seriously,” suggested Mark Pham, junior.

1933 earthquake distruction- The remnants of a The next quake is predicted to be school house lay in ruins after the 6.4 earthquake. up to a 7.4 on the richter scale.

Poker Websites More Popular With Students; Legality in Question

By Natalie Vratney Online gambling is rising in popularity on college campuses across the nation, attracting a younger generation to wager, win and lose their money.

Websites like PokerStars.com are not like Internet casinos because bettors do not play against the house; bettors play against real poker players from around the world. Downloading the software and setting up an account is free of charge. PokerStars receives compensation for hosting games between players by collecting a small percentage from bettors’ earnings.

Paul Bats, a CSULB student who graduated last semester, said he plays at least three times a week.

“The most I wagered was $20, and I won $1000—then lost it all in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em. I had a 98-percent chance of winning, but I still lost,” Bats said.

Bats said the most he has ever lost of his own money is $300.

PokerStars is based out of the Caribbean, where it claims that it is a registered legal business. The website states that the company abides by the laws and regulations where they do business, which is San Jose, Costa Rica—not the United States. People all over the world can access this website and use their credit cards to place wagers.

U.S. laws are not clear on the legality of online gambling. According to the Washington State Gambling Commission, it is legal to operate a gambling website in other countries where gambling is permissible as long as bettors are from the same country. It is, however, illegal to solicit those bets from other countries to people in the U.S. if it violates the Wire Wager Act. The Wire Wager Act states that engaging in the business of betting or wagering while knowingly using a “wire communication facility” for the transmission of bets or wagers is illegal. Also, those who give information assisting in the placing of bets or wagers on any sporting event or contest, allow the transmission of a wire communication which entitles the recipient to receive money or credit as a result of bets or wagers, or release information assisting in the placing of bets or wagers, may face fines under this title and/or imprisonment for not more than two years.

Much of the federal enforcement effort is from 1960s Wire Act, which predates the Internet. Because this law was enacted in 1961, there has been much debate over the definition of “wire communication facility” and whether this applies to Internet gambling. Since the Internet did not exist in 1961, the law was limited to telephone companies. “[Placing bets online] is a convenient loophole for [Internet gambling sites] because they make a bunch of money,” Bats said.

Poker Star does not offer a customer service phone number on its website if a bettor wants to speak with someone in person; it only offers an email address to direct people’s inquiries. In The Union’s attempt to contact a PokerStars representative to ask for a telephone number, an automatic email reply was sent back, stating that PokerStars could not offer phone support at this time.

Other websites, such as Bodog.com, offer casino gaming as well as wagering on sporting events and horse races. The major difference between PokerStars and BoDog is BoDog not only offers an email address to contact customer service representatives, but also an international telephone number and a North American toll-free number. When you call the customer service number, you are given the option to place a wager and/or set up an account over the phone, thus violating the Wire Wager act.

BoDog is also located in San Jose, Costa Rica.

Lamar Curran, a CSULB graduate with a degree in History, said he plays at Bodog at least twice a week. He started playing in 2003, finding it online on his own after watching a poker tournament on television.

“I won $1000 one evening after placing a $100 bet, but lost it all later that night,” Curran said. “The most I ever won was $1500, on a baseball bet.”

Curran never placed any bets over the phone; he said he figured people who bet over the phone were those betting excessive amounts of money. He was unaware of the legality that surrounds making bets or wagers over the phone.

Curran, who was not working during school, said he never made a profit, and usually lost whatever profit he did make.

According to the PokerStars website, players’ poker money and account balances are held in segregated accounts managed by the Royal Bank of Scotland, Plc., one of Europe’s leading financial services groups. The arrangements ensure that PokerStars can, at all times, fulfill its monetary obligations toward its online poker players, and provide further reassurance that players’ funds are always secure with PokerStars.

PokerStars uses two processors—GFSL and SureFire—to process credit card transactions. A popular method of payment over the Internet known as Paypal ceased to process Internet gambling transactions as of November 25, 2002.

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Special Edition: Video Pick of the Week

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By Brian Dunning

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h, October. The month of autumnal leaves, All Hallows Eve, and the return of long sleeves. Yet every year, the beauty of fall is somehow overshadowed by the FOX broadcasting network ruining yet another season of fine television programming with a ridiculous amount of Major League Baseball coverage. Year in and year out, FOX is home to the MLB playoffs, providing unparalleled coverage for each and every game, but it is perennially unable to show the same attention to its regularly scheduled programming.

So every year, around the first week of October, the faithful FOX viewers of such popular shows as The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy, Arrested Development, The O.C. and to a truly lesser extent, House, Prison Break and Kitchen Confidential, are faced with the worst four words in the English language: “Will Return After Baseball.” For the next four weeks, all regularly scheduled programming will be put on hiatus, the shows’ three-week old seasons interrupted by and replaced with baseball coverage and, in the absence of a playoff game, repeats. Fuck that.

Viewers waited all summer long for their favorite shows to return for the fall season, only to be given a small taste before having FOX snatch it from their grasps, like some sort of wicked heroin dealer. “C’mon, FOX, just give us one more hit, it’s all I’m asking of you.” What is the deal with FOX and their self-destructive nature? Three years ago, they let go of Family Guy after moving it from night to night, making sure that not one of its viewers ever knew its time slot. This season, they nearly canceled Emmy-award winning Arrested Development before relegating it to a time slot against Monday Night Football. All while producing quality hits as American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Nanny 911. It’s as if FOX hates its shows, hates its viewers and more importantly, hates YOU as a person.

The other networks love us, FOX, so why can’t you? You may promise us that our favorite shows will be returning after baseball, but what makes you think that we’ll be there to take you back? Take a long look in the mirror, FOX, and think about what’s important to you: your fall fling with the Major League, or your loyal fans who return to your Sunday nights like the swallows to Capistrano. We’re there for you, FOX just be there for us.

Doctor Harlequin A Show Review By the Incomparable Matthew Dupree

Hider in the House (1989)

I wanted to find a bunch of cool horror movies for the month of October, and while this film is more of a thriller, I promise that it’s more than worth seeking out.

Brace yourselves.

This is a film about a Gary Busey living inside of someone’s attic. If you don’t want to leave campus right now and find this movie, then you’re never allowed to read this column again. The movie is really about a troubled homeless man named Tom Sykes (Busey) who decides to move into the attic of a house that has just finished construction. After a few weeks of Sykes’ renovations to the attic (including the creation of a hidden crawlspace), the owners of the house show up. Sykes falls in love with the lady of the house (Mimi Rogers) and of course, Busey freaks out appropriately.

Had this movie starred anyone other than Gary Busey as the titular “hider,” it would have been justifiably forgotten; however,

Prepare yourself in advance for this one, folks. Dr. Harlequin is a modern-take-on-classic-form tongue-incheek over-the-top song-and-dance play-within-a-play hyphen-apt extravaganza of Commedia Dell’ Arte.

The characters were fantastic, as each cast member brought a specific and undeniable charm to their part.

They also brought a deluge of natural talent in their singing abilities as well, including the dynamo vocal cords of Tara Henry (as Laura) and a high-register blast by Alex Boyles that immediately brought to mind the word “castrato”. As the titular character, James McHale put on a fantastic show, and his jovial and gymnastic movements really sold his light-hearted and sharp character. Kevin Klein made a very dashingly silly Capitano, whose idiosyncracies had me waiting for him to reappear on stage.

Journalistic credibility be damned, Isabella (played by Dana Michelle Styer) was fucking gorgeous. And as the “Beauty” of the play, it worked fantastically. Pantalone (Roy Pitts) and Zanni (Elisa Richter) were also good, but

there’s enough Busey-fu, flashlight-fu, fireplace poker-fu, kicked fishbowls, child abuse, GI Joe burning, toothy Busey grins, untimely fumigating, and dogs being sprayed in the eyes by a grinning Busey to make this film the classic that it is. The only problem I have with the movie is the ending, which did not leave any room for a sequel. If it were up to me, I would’ve added a final shot of Busey’s attic, panning across the room until we see a tiny dinosaur-like egg resting in the corner. The egg would then crack to reveal a slumbering baby Busey, whose eyes would open just as the film cuts to black. Just close your eyes for the last few minutes of the film and tell me that this isn’t the right way to end it.

You can’t lock him out because he’s already inside!!!

I felt that they were a bit too static in a play that had such a free-wheeling sense to it. Zanni’s extended discussion of a lost monkey only served to confuse me.

However, this was really my only complaint. In fact, I feel that my favorite characters more than made up for this awkward plot device. Dottore and Oratzio (Both played by Jasper Oliver) commanded the stage with a humorous gallantry and booming voice. His breaks to act as the play’s director were some of the most gut-busting scenes in the play. Anthony Cretara and Jeremy Aluma, as the not-fully-explained stagehand characters, were brilliant. At first they reminded me of the Shakespearean comic dialogues between scenes, but it soon dawned on me that they had easily surpassed Shakespeare in originality and humor.

The play runs through the 22nd, and is a must-see for anyone who’s ever wanted to hear the band Cake’s song “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps” performed in Spanish.

Tickets are available by calling 985-5526.

5

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

Will Return After Baseball

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It’s the captain’s birthday on the Battleship Missouri. As the captain’s personal chef, Casey is preparing a feast fit for the gods when the

By Daniel Pearson hard-nosed Commander Krill (Gary Busey) tells him they’re bringing food in from Hawaii instead. Casey hates this, so he decides to start cracking skulls. Okay, so I’m skipping a few important details. Commander Krill turns out to be a villain, in cahoots with a team of mercenaries. As the leaders of the mercenaries, Gary Busey, Tommy Lee Jones, and Colm Meaney are the most badass trio ever put on screen. The mercenaries take over the boat so they can steal some nuclear missiles. Casey unites with the Playboy Playmate who was supposed to jump out of the birthday cake, and they set out to take down those traitorous bastards.

entertainment

The Colbert Report Series Premiere (Comedy Central) The Office (NBC) Nip/Tuck (FX) My Name Is Earl (NBC) South Park Season Premiere (Comedy Central) Extras (HBO) Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

his week, we’re going to go back in time a little bit. The year is 1992 and Steven Seagal’s popularity is at its highest. As the Navy’s ass-kicking answer to Die Hard, Under Siege is probably Seagal’s most popular film. Under Siege represents a time when Seagal movies had a genuine soul, clearly evidenced by a fantastic, albeit brief dance-off set to “The Power” by Snap. Seagal plays Casey Ryback, a Navy SEAL turned cook.

Despite its fairly standard plot, Under Siege is in no shortage of memorable scenes.

Gary Busey dancing around in drag is probably the greatest thing I’ve seen in my entire life. Casey’s bomb-building techniques make for another classic scene, as he makes effective use of a condom and other assorted items. However, the standoff between Casey and Tommy Lee Jones’s Stranix is possibly the best fight scene of all time. It’s a gritty knife fight that ends with Casey gouging Stranix’s eye out, then stabbing him on the top of his skull.

On a serious note, is this even possible? I always thought the skull was pretty hard. Never mind logic, though. Logic is for pussies. Seagal isn’t a pussy; are you?

Under Siege isn’t Seagal’s best film, but it kicked off a string of mind-blowingly triumphant cinematic masterpieces, including a sequel that tests Casey Ryback more than ever.

Next time, we’ll venture into dark territory with... Under Siege 2: Dark Territory. But for now, run to your local video store and ask for Under Siege. You won’t regret it. I rate it a full five shattered spines out of five.

Enjoy this Devil’s Food Cake because you will see the devil soon, when you go to hell after I kill you. And that is where you are going because you committed the sin of adultery last spring.

D.S. on D.S.––Interview with Dan Savage

literature

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ast week, the Union Weekly’s Dan Steinbacher had a little chat with Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist for the O.C. Weekly and the Onion, among other publications, to talk about civil rights, conservatives, and his new book, The Commitment.

The Union Weekly: How did you become a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist?

Dan Savage: By accident. It’s the only way anyone gets an advice column. I met some folks who were starting a newspaper, and we were just shooting the shit about what a newspaper needs, and I told them to have an advice column—I advised them to have an advice column. All these many years later it sounds disingenuous, but I wasn’t trying to get the job. I’d never written anything in my life, but they asked me to do it so…I started doing it.

UW: It was interesting to see the title of your new book, The Commitment, especially after previous titles such as Skipping Toward Gomorrah. Do you think that the fans of your earlier, more bawdy works are going to be surprised?

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

DS: I don’t know, there’s plenty of bawdy stuff in The Commitment. I don’t sugar coat my life. Some people may think that it’s tamer than Skipping Towards Gomorrah, because I’m not out there trying to violate all ten commandments, but I talk about fetishes, I talk about sex with my boyfriend and I, who are gay parents and not necessarily monogamous, and that’s gonna flip a lot of people out, including people in the pro-gay marriage camp.

UW: How long do you think it will be until gay marriage is legal in the U.S.?

DS: I think it will be…a hundred years.

The United States is always the last when it comes to freedom, tragically enough. We’re the first when it comes to fellating ourselves, and last when it comes to actually living up to what we like to think of ourselves. There’s been a female Prime Minister of Pakistan, for crying out loud! The United Kingdom did away with slavery a hundred years before we did. In other Western nations, women got the vote way before they did here. We’re always last, and it’s

pathetic. And now the West is leaving the United States behind when it comes to the rights and responsibilities and freedoms and equality for gay people.

UW: What effect do you think other Conservative agendas, such as Creationism, will have on American society?

DS: We’re seeing the effects even in the issue of gay marriage, people who refuse to accept empirical evidence–science–as proof of anything. There’s a mountain of evidence showing that homosexuality is not a chosen behavior, that people are born gay, and they refuse to believe it because of some things that are scribbled in the Bible years ago by some folks living in the desert. Science be damned, here it is in Leviticus! How could science be right and Leviticus be wrong? It’s war against science and evidence in favor of faith, which is just fairy tales and wishful thinking, and it’s going to have long-term consequences for the whole country and society. It’s the same impulse that leads people UW: It seems to me that the term “civil to believe that evolution isn’t true, union” instead of despite all the evi“marriage” is just dence, and the same another way of people who refuse saying “separate to believe in the but equal.” What do evidence of global you think about the warming.

Once -Dan Savage, when differences between you talk yourself civil unions and asked how long it will out of something as marriage? well established as be before gay marriage evolution, it’s pretty DS: Separate but is legalized in the U.S. equal is never equal. easy to talk yourself out of something With civil unions, that’s emerging, like separate but equal global warming. are kinda equal [laughs] if they’re in places like VerUW: One thing I’ve always enjoyed mont or Connecticut, where it is, literabout reading your column is that ally all the rights and responsibilities you have such a wide readership that of marriage, it’s just not called “maryou’re able to introduce new terms into the public conscious. My favorite is probably “Santorum.”

Can you give people who might not have heard of it the background of how it came about?

“A hundred years.”

DS: Well, I was mad at Sen. Santorum for comparing gay people to ‘dog-fuckers,’ and it wasn’t me–sometimes it feels like Savage Love is this party I’m presiding over–it’s not all me.

A reader wrote in and suggested that we use the column and come up with a definition of what “Santorum” could mean, a sexual term preferably, or name a sex act after him.

So I threw that into the column, and asked readers for suggestions, and one came up with “The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.” I put it in and let the readers vote, and it stuck. Santorum stuck to Santorum.

UW: Looking at The Commitment, I think it’s interesting that you shed such a normal light on your family life, with your boyfriend and your adopted son. When you were writing it, were you hoping that it might help shed some light on the myths that surround gay families, that someone who was opposed to gay marriage would read it and hopefully change their minds?

DS: Well, I’m not so delusional to think that a bunch of fundamentalist Christians are going to read it and have a change of heart. It’d be nice, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. What I do think is going to happen is that there are a lot of people who are uncomfortable with

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the idea of gay marriage– it’s interesting, when you look at the poll numbers, a lot of people who are against gay marriage are for gay civil unions, about half of them. They’re for gay people having all the rights, all the responsibilities of marriage, but not the magic syllables, “marriage.” I’m hoping some of those people will pick it up and become more comfortable with the idea of full marriage rights for gays and lesbians. I certainly don’t think it’s going to convince the Senator Santorums of the world, but I do think that there’s some people who maybe don’t know any gay people or gay families and maybe they could get to know us through this book, and maybe be less wary.

riage.” It’s not a half-loaf of bread, it’s the whole load, but instead of calling it bread, you have to call it “Susan.” I think the separate but equal comparison is valid, but that emotionally the feeling it creates is less than, and that is unequal. In terms of rights, it’s kind of equal, it might be a good transitional compromise as we move towards full equality for gays and lesbians in the United States, but it would be nice to see the U.S. living up to the rhetoric about itself if we just went into full equality instead of baby steps.

UW: Well, thanks for your time. Any other final thoughts?

DS: Everyone should read the book–it’s funny! It’s about what marriage as a whole is about, a couple and their relationship.

UW: Right on.

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by Mike Turner

T

he Mount Eerie song “I Hold Nothing” goes, “We will only notice the play of the world for a moment / Then let it roll on.” This was the record I would listen to in the summer walking home from Her parents’ house before the sun rose, that moment just before the blooming of the day when everything was full of love. The way the world rolls on, there’s nothing else we can do besides take what we find in these moments and wrap them around ourselves like blankets.

In Craig Thompson’s illustrated novel Blankets, the author-protagonist recalls his childhood and first love in a coming of age story that tenderly remembers the magic and anguish of both. To label it merely a “coming of age” story, however, is callously incomplete; from the gorgeous first page, each murmuring black and white illustration takes you further and further away from the canon and into what you Know with familiarly surreal intimacy and heart-rendering honesty.

Blankets can be read in one long night—there’s no other way to do it in this reviewer’s opinion—but the minimalist prose that caresses the beautiful artwork is cavernous with undertones and thematic depth. The sprawling memoir becomes something of a mystical document in Thompson’s mastery of his medium, every sound and feeling in his snow-covered world given evocative pictorial lyricism. He captures it all, the devastation of abusive parents and lovers becoming strangers, the miracle of that girl’s smile, the supernova of her nakedness.

But there’s no way to simply review Blankets in these literary generalities, for it is one of those special things that ingrains itself in how you relate to the universe.

It exists within the pre-dawn moment while the world is still, in the waking dream that lovers live—infinitely beautiful in its impermanence. Thompson continually, awkwardly tries to answer the constant question of “why create?” in a degenerating, crumbling world; and his story is about finding satisfaction in this temporality. Humans hold Nothing, we have nothing but the chance every second that passes to take with us a moment we’ll remember forever.

Attention Short Story Contest HopeFULs It has come to my attention that, even though I started advertising the Short Story contest about a month ago, some of you out there aren’t the most (ahem) faithful of readers of the good old Literature page, and didn’t hear about the contest until last week when it was featured on our cover.

Last week was also a heavy week for midterms, and a lot of people didn’t have the time to work on their stories that they wanted to.

Because of all that, I am extending the deadline one whole week, until Monday, October 24th, which should be plenty of time for everyone to send me their stories. I’ve received a fair number of submissions, and I’m expecting a lot more, so make sure to get yours in by midnight of the 24th in order to be eligible for the grand (cash) prize.

If you were a good little boy or girl, and turned your story in on time, don’t worry––you’re not going to be punished.

If you want the extra week to work on your story, go ahead and take it, and then resend it to the same email address (chiyeko@ucla.edu) with a note saying you’d like the new version to be considered in place of the old. Fair? Fair.

Fair!

That said, all the same rules apply, as follows: ––1,000 words or less ––Any style, content, or genre is acceptable ––Send all stories to chiyeko@ucla.edu ––Send them by midnight, October 24th.

Good luck to everyone, and I hope to see your story.

Michaël Veremans’ Bad Book Brigade Shadow at the Fair by Lea Wait

Red Leaves by Thomas H. Cook

Ever wonder about the wonderful and in-depth world of antique dealing? No? This book is just boring, like my grandma trying to describe her armoire. The writing is slow and the mystery is trite. It wouldn’t be so bad if the author didn’t show off so much about her amazing and intriguing knowledge of antiques. Apparently it is part of the series where the main character, Maggie Summer, uncovers other mysteries. This would be like talking to a bunch of severely aged people about their favorite pair of orthopedic shoes.

It just seemed bland. I’ve read more emotional books in my time, I’ve cried with books, but this one made me want to cry in a different way. I guess this is what happens when you show your manuscript to someone and instead of reading it they just return it to you and say, “Yeah, that was good.” It is a bit hackneyed, like no one has ever written about a man emotionally deteriorating. Try Rabbit Run by Updike.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

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LIVE AT THE CARPENTER CENTER on the CSULB Campus

TICkETS AVAILABLE NOW at the CSULB Arts Ticket Office:

or at:

562.985.7000

www.csulb.edu/beachconcerts

literature

Saturday, October 29, 2005

General Admission: $25 adv / $35 door Orchestra Seating: $35 adv / $45 door Lobby opens at 7:30 pm Music starts at 8:00 pm

Proceeds from the Beach Scholarship Concert Series will benefit the CSULB General Scholarship Fund.

At The Greek Theater October 9th, 2005

By Elijah Bates

“I

t was in the midst of “Only the Young” that I came to terms with what Journey really means. It’s not the band or the fans. It’s a celebration of life and all it has to offer. It’s a party for those who appreciate it. Perhaps that’s why the new CD is called Generations. There are so many who soak it up, young and old…” – Elijah’s notes, October 9, 2005.

Although it can sometimes be painful to admit, I had always thought that Journey, like religion and self-gratification, is an entirely personal experience. Most often, I only indulge with the privacy of my iPod or the sanctity of my house or car. Occasionally, this almost sickening obsession comes out while I’m out in public amidst the stares and scoffs of the unenlightened. But for the most part, I keep their soothing sounds contained within, where I know they will be most appreciated. I just don’t think that anyone gives them enough “cred,” even if they claim to be a fan. Also, I’d rather refrain from getting into an argument with someone over it. It is because of these reasons that I had no clue what to expect when I saw Journey live for the first time, within the open atmosphere of the Greek Theatre.

What I found upon entry of the venue astounded me.

Decades of diehard Journey fans crowded the area, in complete adoration of the experience just moments away from unfolding. Whereas I had originally expected only to find old folks and losers like myself inside, I instead discovered the truth about what Journey really is. As a merchant-like mountain of a man passed out complimentary copies of the band’s new release, Generations, I was astounded by the sight of generation upon generation of Journey fans passing left and right. Half-assed, falsetto renditions of Steve Perry’s divine vocals spread through the vicinity, bombarding my every side with the idea that my so-called “sickening obsession” was not

a personal affliction, but instead a powerful affection celebrating what has happened and what was about to take place.

Even in the permanent absence of Mr. Perry, Journey rocked just about as hard as any fan could ever hope. From opening to close, the vocals of lead singer Steve Augeri retained the same sound and spirit as his predecessor, more than likely causing tears to stream down Original Steve’s cheeks as he heard the new music the band had produced. Midway through the performance, guitarist Neil Schon belted out a great American bash, shredding through our national anthem like it was a rock-solid block of American cheese. Even as drummer Deen Castronovo sang “Still They Ride” while still hitting the skins—the idea was still floating right in the air in front of 20,000 eyeballs and ears. After all these years, Journey was still Journey. They didn’t even need to play “Don’t Stop Believing” to convince me. But they did.

However, the one moment of the concert that truly clinched the experience to my eternal memory happened in the midst of “Open Arms.” To my right, I noticed a gorgeous, middleaged Journey fan crying her heart out. Like many others in the crowd, it truly meant something far deeper to her than just an ordinary ballad. She had no clue that the singer’s name was also Steve, but even so, she understood the message as clearly as I had. Journey isn’t about the fans or the band. It’s about the journey, where it takes you and what it leaves with you.

The music itself evolves and grows with you, taking every step of the journey by your side. Seeing it live and in person only reaffirms that fact.

Journey Generations Elson Music Vision

By Patrick Dooley I don’t envy the pressure these boys must have felt—all the epic Journey albums of yesteryear to live up to—and with an almost entirely new band, including Steve Augeri taking over for the inimitable Steve Perry. Overall, they live up to the high expectations. What they lack in technical sophistication, they make up with ballad muscle and all-out cool jamming.

The opening track, “Faith in the Heartland,” harkens back to some of the faster-paced Journey tunes, utilizing the same energy emanating from the power of the vocals and setting the standard for entire album. The high velocity shows no signs of relenting until the seventh track, “Knowing That You Love Me,” and picks up promptly with the following track. The fist-pumping pace of their jams remains for the duration of the album, with only twelfth track to give a momentary break.

For a band with so much emphasis on the singing ability of their departed frontman, one would think that the group would come out and make an attempt at proving their newcomer’s vocal prowess.

Instead, Journey never entertains the notion, letting every member of the band sing lead on at least one track. This plan of attack sets at ease all the skeptics, and lends an opportunity for the instrumentalists to reclaim some of their well-earned admiration.

To sign up please contact Zahra Billoo: zahra.billoo@gmail.com or 626-252-0885 THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

Endorsed by: Associated Students, Inc.

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OCTOBER 27, 2005 *Event proceeds will go to aid the victims of Hurricane Katrina & the South Asia Earthquake* The Muslim Student Association presents:

THE ANNUAL

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FAST-A-THON

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Recently, I was lucky enough to be granted an interview with Deen Castronovo, current drummer for one of the greatest bands of all time, Journey. Castronovo, whose tenure with the supergroup has now spanned more than a decade, put on his walking shoes and took me on a tour. Over the course of our talk, Castronovo spilled the beans on subjects such as his start with the legendary band, Steve Perry, Journey’s upcoming album, and what it all really means to him. Enjoy.

Union: So, how did you become a member of Journey, a band that had already been well established for twentyfive years?

Journey: Well, you know, I was in a band with Neil Schon and Jonathan Cain back in 1989, called Bad English. And after that, I always told those guys, “If Journey ever reforms, and Steve Smith doesn’t want to do it, I wanna get that job,” cause I knew all the Journey stuff from when I was a little kid. So, when it all went down and Steve Perry decided to leave and then Steve Smith decided to go since Perry wasn’t there, I was the first guy Neil called. And here I am, eight years later, and it’s just a dream come true, man. I love his band. I love the musicianship. It’s how I got in.

Union: It must be amazing to be a part of something like Journey. Was there a lot of pressure coming into a group that had already accomplished so much?

Journey: Oh yeah, bro. When we first started, nobody thought that we’d do shit.

They thought, “Well, without Steve Smith and Steve Perry, this band is going to suck.”

And sure enough, the first tour that we did without those guys, there were maybe a thousand people a night, if we were lucky.

So, we had to re-educate them and start from scratch. And, from the first note of “Separate Ways,” they’d look at Steve, our new singer, and just go, “Oh my god...he sounds just like Steve Perry!” It went from a thousand seats to three thousand to six thousand to now, where we’re doing anywhere from ten to twenty thousand a night. We’re very, very fortunate.

Union: Do people still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Steve Perry isn’t in the band anymore?

Journey: Yeah, bro! We still have people come to shows and they don’t even know that he’s gone! They’ll come up and ask, “Why does Steve Perry have a perm?”

It’s crazy. Some of them don’t even know.

During the first tour, man, we had people with their arms crossed, just asking us to prove it. “Show us you can sing like the god of gods, Steve Perry.” So, Stevie (Augeri) would go up there and hit a homerun every night. Even so, we still have resistance. You can’t please everyone. They’ll say, “Yeah, it was good. But I still miss Steve Perry.” And God bless, man. I gotta be honest. I love Steve Perry. He is God to me. I mean, that guy can sing no wrong. He was the king.

So, to have Stevie fill his shoes is a major, major achievement. The past eight years, he’s had to live like a priest. He has to watch what he eats, watch what he drinks, doesn’t party, doesn’t go out to the meet-n-greets.

He doesn’t do nothing cause his voice and body are his instrument and he’s got to take care of it every night. I could never do what he does. Never.

Union: You guys toured all summer.

Were there any dates on the tour that were more memorable than the rest?

Journey: All of the shows, bro, they’re beating us up pretty good. But I think what

was most memorable was outside of the music. We did a show in Washington D.C. and before the show, we went to Bethesda Naval Hospital. We visited the troups that had been in Iraq and that was heavy. And then, to go and play Foxwood that night, we killed. And we were playing for the troups, man. We were like, “Man, let’s just play.

Let’s just kill for those people who are in the hospital.” And it was incredible. You can be on the road and you can be really jaded and go, “Man, another three-hour show. What a pain!” Then, we see these guys with no arms and no legs and it really brings things into perspective. It was incredible. We were like, “You know what? Let’s take away all the differences and petty shit and let’s do something for these people that are sacrificing so much.” And man, we smoked it!

“Journey was a soundtrack to my life. I can remember where I was for each and every song on every record...”

-Deen Castronovo, on what Journey means to him.

Union: Over your years with the band, are there any particular moments that stand out?

Journey: God, man. The cool thing is that it’s a brotherhood. We’re really, really close.

And this is away from the whole music thing. For a long time, I had a heavy alcohol and drug problem. This was just coming out of Ozzy’s band, so I was a frickin’ mess. But Journey was cool. Those guys did an intervention on me and, as hokey as it sounds, they saved my life. The day I came out (of rehab), they were actually standing at the door, which was pretty heavy, and they were playing this song, “Never Too Late,” which is on the new record. They wrote it about me and I actually sing it on the record. To sing on a Journey record is already amazing, but to sing that song was pretty special to me.

Union: That’s rad, man. Speaking of which, you guys have a new album coming out called Generations. What do you feel it offers that other Journey albums haven’t?

Journey: Well, we all got to sing on this record, which had never been done with Journey since Steve Perry joined the band.

When he joined, it was like, “It’s Steve Perry. That’s it. He’s the lead singer.” But now, everybody gets to sing. We’ve finally gotten to the point where our record label didn’t tell us not to do something. We just did what we wanted. We wrote stuff that we wanted to write. Honestly, I’ve done close to fifty records in my career, and this one— I’m so proud of it. And to be able to sing on it was just icing on the cake, dude.

Union: Being someone who is lucky enough not only to play Journey, but to be Journey, what would you say is the definitive Journey song?

Journey: To me, bro, it’s “Open Arms” and “Faithfully”. “Don’t Stop Believing” too. Those three, when you hear them, you say, “Okay. That’s Journey.” Especially “Don’t Stop Believing”. Those songs were instrumental to me as a player, even while playing in a metal band. Hearing that stuff, all I could think was, “Man, listen to the passion.”

Union: Is there a Journey song that you really enjoy playing, regardless of how good or bad it actually may be?

Journey: Oh, God. There’s two songs that come to mind. One is “Escape”. I love that tune. For me as a drummer, I get to tear it up on that. It was one of their first real epics with Perry in the band. I think it’s like a six- or seven-minute song. Also, there’s another one that’s on the new album called “Out of Harm’s Way”. It’s a heavy one that was written about the troops in Iraq. That one I love playing ‘cause it’s a monster.

Union: Okay, here is the part of the interview where we get to the drummer lightning round. I’ll throw out two names.

You tell me who and why.

Journey: Okay, got it.

Union: Dave Grohl or Dave Lombardo?

Journey: (pauses) Oh god, dude! That’s a hard one! Ehhhhhh...both! Dave Grohl is an incredible songwriter and an amazing rock drummer. Then again, Dave Lombardo was one of my big influences as a thrash guy, so...both of them.

Union: That works, I suppose. Tommy Lee or Tommy Aldridge?

Journey: Tommy Lee, man. I mean, Aldridge is a major player, but Tommy Lee just has the vibe. When he plays, man, he’s the shit. I got to sit behind him in Toronto, dude, and I was just blown away.

Union: Okay. How about John Densmore or John Bonham?

Journey: Bonham.

Union: No hesitation?

Journey: Well, it’s just that Bonham really shaped that kind of playing. He was the first hard rock drummer that just totaled up. Densmore was cool and he broke new ground by using the Bossanova beats, but when Bonham came out, it was like, “Daaaamn, listen to that guy.” When you hear Bonham, it’s just so damn noticeable.

Union: Tell me what you think about this one. Allen White or Meg White?

Journey: (laughter) Allen White. Meg’s a hottie, though. Otherwise, no comment.

Union: Last one, and it’s a doozy. Rick Allen with one arm or Rick Allen with both?

Journey: You know what, bro? I’ll be honest. Him with one arm blew my shit away! I saw him on the first tour after he came back and my fucking jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. Number one, he’s got the intestinal fortitude to come back, and to be able to hear him play all the shit effortlessly blew my mind. Obviously, we wish that

Journey’s Deen Castronovo tragedy wouldn’t have happened. But to rise above it like he did— it really shows you what kind of man he is.

Union: Before this interview ends, I want to play some word association. I’ll give you a word and you tell me whatever comes to mind.

Journey: Okay, bro.

Union: Infinity.

Journey: Brilliant.

Union: Evolution.

Journey: (laughing) Brilliant.

Union: Captured.

Journey: (slight pause) Mindblowing.

Union: Escape.

Journey: Groudbreaking.

Union: Frontiers.

Journey: Groundbreaking again.

Union: Generations.

Journey: Ooooooh... I played on that, so I don’t want to say brilliant. What’s a good word? Help me, Elijah!

Union: Scrumtrulescent!

Journey: (laughing) There! Perfect!

Hahaha!

Union: Okay, this is my last question.

However, I’m only asking it because I needed to know straight from a member of the band.

Journey: Sure, bro.

Union: (extended pause) What does Journey mean to you?

Journey: Ah, man! Journey was a soundtrack to my life. I can remember where I was for each song on every record and I can’t really say that about any other bands that I ever listened to. To me, Journey’s music is timeless. And I think, for me, as long as I stayed true to Journey’s spirit, which is to write beautiful songs for the people, as long as I did the older material justice and made sure that the people see how amazing the it is, it will remain timeless. It really is a soundtrack to my life and I know that it is for a lot of other people too. It almost feels like it was destiny for me to be in this band.

Union: Well, Deen, thank you so much for the interview. I’m pretty much in love with Journey.

Journey: Hey man, it’s nice to hear somebody younger who appreciates what we’re doing.

Union: Anything for Journey, Deen.

Journey: Take care, bro.

Union: Don’t stop believing.

Journey: (laughing) You too, buddy.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

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music

Forever Young –Songwriter– Prairie Wind Blows Cold

By Elijah Bates

L

istening to the new Neil Young album is like looking at your dad after not seeing him for too long of a time. His hair has grown grayer or has just stopped growing. His face is thin and his features are tainted by a paunchy droop. He’s a more slouched over than you remember him being and, in reality, he’s a shell of the man who was always there to pick you up when everything went bad. But even with these newfound dilapidations, he’s still your dad, and he’s still the most awesome man who’s ever lived. Nobody beats your dad.

Nobody was ever a better singer/ songwriter than Neil Young…not even the modern-day Neil. Taking in a new Neil album is kind of a hard thing to do objectively, given the musician’s compounding age and the amazing catalogue of albums he’s produced over the past forty years. When an artist the caliber of Neil is about to release something new, it isn’t just waited for; it’s anticipated.

Of course, that anticipation soon leads to expectation. Expectation leads to frustration. And frustration? Frustration leads to lies and self-manipulation (see Star Wars: Episode I).

Be it AC/DC or Rolling Stones or Aerosmith, these people have released so many good records of different varieties that they can’t help but sound like something you’ve already heard from them. Neil Young is really no different.

Prairie Wind sounds like Neil Young, but only because he’s already done every song twice.

Make no mistake, Prairie Wind is dynamite. Most albums would sound a lot better if they had just half of what Prairie

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005 page

Wind has to offer. But this is Neil Young.

He’s done better before. Unfortunately, that was before. Neil can’t do anything about the fact that he’s getting older. And, like all who grow old, this “Old Man” is slowly falling apart. He can no longer hit the high notes he could on Harvest. The acoustics still ring with country-tinged folk, but Neil just can’t rock quite as hard as he once could. It’s kind of sad, but Neil doesn’t seem to mind. Even as his voice gets frailer, his storytelling ability stands as tall as it ever did.

Prairie Wind does have high points. “The Painter” whispers faint memories of Neil’s former works, light echoes of his illustrious career. “When God Made Me” feels like a slightly less suicidal version of “Man Needs A Maid,” less epic and a lot more upbeat. And in “This Old Guitar,” Neil somberly comments on the fact that the sounds will be around long after he’s gone. It’s Neil at his best–at least the best he can presently be.

If you’re a Neil Young fan, you probably already picked up Prairie Wind, sticking loyally with Neil ‘til his plug is pulled (not that it’ll happen anytime soon). Prairie Wind is pretty far from bad; it just isn’t his best. And it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it did when my dad first put on “Heart of Gold.” But it’s still Neil.

CREAM

Live at Albert Hall

By Conor Izzett In May of this year, the original power trio and one of the first bands to define modern rock music, Cream, reunited at Royal Albert Hall in London.

The two-disc DVD of the four-night event was released on October 4, and features a full performance of their set, several bonus tracks and an interview with each member of the band.

Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce, and Eric Clapton formed Cream in England in 1966, during a sort-of R&B revolution.

The Beatles had essentially taken over the pop world a couple of years prior, and Cream would soon follow.

Baker and Bruce were playing with the Graham Bond Organization, and Clapton was already renowned for his work in the Yardbirds and John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers, a rhythm and blues band. The three formed what critics would

10

Every Time I Die Gutter Phenomenon Ferrett Music

By Jesse Gayda The latest release by Every Time I Die is a loud, guitar-driven, thrashy punk/hardcore complimented with a few Korn-y guitar riffs. The vocals are a good, scratchy and somewhat high-pitched yell with occasional sung parts, and most of the guitar work is pretty Rage/Korn with a more punk/ metal edge to it.

No complete tracks really stick out because they’re all pretty consistant,

Salute

By Mike Guardabascio Neil Young may be the greatest songwriter of all time, and I don’t say that lightly. He may also be the most classically American journeyman since the days of Emerson and Thoreau, despite the fact that he’s Canadian. No one has more poetically captured the mood of the last thirty years, and no other songwriter, save maybe Bob Dylan or Paul Simon, has managed to be so ragingly popular with both Baby Boomers and their children. The greatest accomplishment, though, is that he’s managed to gain such widespread acclaim, and such a broad fan base, with some of the most personal, introspective lyrics in rock history.

The big hits all deserve to be: “Old Man,” “Heart of Gold,” “Southern Man,” “Ohio”––these songs are woven into the fabric of our consciousness, and they’ve influenced everyone from Johnny Rotten to Lynrd Skynrd to Kurt Cobain.

But Young’s abilities shine through even more clearly on some of his less popular masterpieces, such as “A Man Needs a Maid,” perhaps the song that most accurately captures the sense of loneliness and desolation that accompanies a divorce or the breakup of a long relationship. I’ve known of two fathers who spent much of

go on to call the first supergroup, practically inventing the power-trio and thus laying the foundation for modern rock.

Their 1967 release Wheels of Fire was the first double album to sell over a million copies and included such landmark tunes as “Crossroads” and “White Room.” Wheels of Fire included several live tracks showcasing the band’s breathtaking stage show, and forever preserving their 1967 performance at the Fillmore East. “Spoonful” is an unforgettable track featuring Clapton and the rest in a trance-inducing extended jam, and Jack Bruce breathes fire through his harmonica as he labors through the railroad inspired “Traintime.”

Cream broke up in 1968 at the height of their popularity, leaving fans as well the band’s own members confused as to why, but the consensus was that the band, though phenomenal, had simply run its course. Said Eric Clapton: “You can’t be that inspired for that long.” They played their final show in 1968 to a sold-out audience at Royal Albert Hall, and that was that.

Since then Cream had been on stage together only once in 1993, for their induction into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, though there was always a call for their return. Clapton began tossing around the idea a couple of years ago, and finally, the three began rehearsals before returning to the stage that they made their farewell from over three decades ago.

but an occasional chorus or bridge does as the metal in the band peeks through for a catchy riff or two which appears on “Bored Stiff” and “Easy Tiger”.

At various times I am reminded of Downset (without the rap), with a little bit more energy and a touch more of the rock and roll; it’s rock and roll meets metal in a nutshell, and these kinds of hybrids are interesting… at first, anyways. The track “The New Black” displays the singer’s ability to change his pace and sing more 90s corn-y (with a “C”) metal style with yells in between.

This is not a release that everyone will enjoy, but then again, you can’t please everyone.

their time following their divorce with this song on repeat, and it’s easy to see why–– once you hear the haunting lyrics of this tribute to the pain of fresh isolation, it’s hard to shake them off.

One of the finest memories I have of my father, or of anyone else, is of dancing in my living room with him when I was really young, listening to classic Neil Young CDs– Harvest, Harvest Moon, After the Gold Rush, and trying to wrap my head around what Young’s words meant. I didn’t fully comprehend them then, and I still don’t feel as though I do now, but that was the power that his words had, and have: the unique and sacred power to unite two strikingly dissimilar musical tastes in the face of one undeniable talent.

It’s impossible to pick only the ten best written songs from a writer as mindblowingly prolific as Young (he’s recorded over 30 records), but you can’t go wrong with any of these: “Razor Love,” “Heart of Gold,” “A Man Needs a Maid,” “Down By the River,” “Old Man,” “My My Hey Hey,” “Southern Man,” “Don’t Let it Bring You Down,” “Harvest Moon,” and “When God Made Me,” the best song off his new album.

Cream played four nights to a packed house, and the music came right back. Jack Bruce, while having lost a step or two vocally, is still the virtuoso bassist he always was. Ginger Baker, though well into his 60s, played with the ferocity of a young man, blasting through the 10-minute-plus drum solo on “Toad.” Clapton has somehow maintained his voice, and sounds as if he may have recorded “Crossroads” yesterday, as opposed to 38 years ago. On guitar, Clapton has improved. The iconic professional that he is, Clapton has actually gotten better, however inconceivable that might be.

Cream will again come together at the end of this month for a four-night performance at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Young or old, check out the new DVD, “Cream: Royal Albert Hall.” Their reunification leaves little to be desired, except maybe lower ticket prices and a couple of West Cream Circa 1967 Coast tour dates. C’mon

Thrice Vheissu Island Records

By Pete Olsen Vheissu is not the type of album with supercatchy hooks and choruses. It is not laced with cheesy guitar riffs and elementary rhymed lyrics. The satisfaction of listening does not come from a single song… it comes from the entirety of the album. It is the mesmerizing roar that pulsates through your spine from beginning to end that is the real hook.

The maturity is remarkable: every note and lyric is necessary; the mood is amazingly indescribable; and there is a depth that will

only be discovered upon countless listens (which you will undoubtedly have). There is no CD on the market that sounds like Vheissu.

It is absolutely unique.

Specifically, there is a seamless flow when the melodic singing transitions to screaming.

And the drumming style has changed from previous Thrice albums: the beats sound somewhat simple, yet they appeal through remarkable timing and the “marching” feel they create.

Every track is vital, but there are a few that stand out as I listen: “Image of the Invisible,” “The Earth Will Shake,” and “Red Sky.” Reviewed by: DJ TC, host of SO THIS IS IT, airing on KBEACH RADIO Mondays & Wednesdays 9-10 AM. Visit www.sothisisit. com for information.

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By Mike Guardabascio very once in a while a sport comes along that transcends “sport” and becomes something greater. Such a sport does not need a Michael Jordan or a Wayne Gretzky, because its very existence is an act of genius. Chess Boxing is one of these sports. Most sports, such as baseball, basketball, and football, require intense development of an athlete’s body, with a less intensive development of the mind; these sports require intelligence, but usually only as a means of furthering an athlete’s physical performance. Activities that place the focus on intellectual development tend to either be classified as games (Scrabble or other word games),

E

That’s Right, It’s Volleyball Time Are you ready? Good, because the 49ers are ready to dominate the Big West. Now is the time to take notice of your red-hot home team and their quest for yet another conference title.

The 49ers women’s volleyball team heads into the thick of the conference schedule in a groove. Already Long Beach State has impressive victories under their belts, including a run of three straight dominating matches over Cal Poly SLO, UC Irvine and Cal State Northridge. Despite playing all three games as the visitors, the 49ers dropped only 1 set, winning by a combined 9-1 total.

Even with the hot start, senior defensive specialist Taylor Peyton feels like the team has not yet reached their potential. “We have a lot of improving to do,” she explained. “But we’re getting better every day in practice. We’ll get better as we go on. It’s a day-by-day progression.”

or as worthless nerdy endeavors (think “mathletes”). Chess Boxing, however, springs from the ancient philosophy of mens sana in corpore sano, or “sound in mind, sound in body.” It requires both a hefty intelligence and a rigorous training in boxing, perhaps the most physical of all sports.

The rules are fairly simple: Each game consists of 11 rounds, six of chess, five of boxing, with a one minute pause in between rounds to allow competitors to change gear. The winner of each match will be the person who achieves either of these equivalent tasks: forcing checkmate in a board game, or physically removing another human being from the conscious world in boxing. More poetically, the game has been described thusly: “Fighting is done in the ring and wars are waged on the board.”

The sport is young, but rapidly growing, and the World Chess Boxing Organization, the umbrella organization of Chess Boxing, plans to expand competitions across the globe. Recently, the WCBO held the First European Chess Boxing Championship, with Tihomir “Tigertad” Titschko winning in the ninth round of the fight. The next championship will be held in early February, and hopefully will be televised for all of our enjoyment. If you want more information about Chess Boxing, or are interested in becoming one of these unique competitors, visit the WCBO website at wcbo.org for more information.

By Ryan ZumMallen The Beach’s 2004 season was rudely cut short

by UCLA in the second round of the NCAA Tournament. “We weren’t overmatched against UCLA—we could have beaten them,” Chidester said. “I would have rather not played them at UCLA, but I don’t feel like we were robbed.”

It’s easy to look optimistically towards the 2005 postseason, in which the 49ers plan to make a Ron-Burgndy-type splash. “Most teams want to win their conference title first, and then worry about a national championship,” Chidester said. “[Coach] Brian [Gimmillaro] doesn’t let us think like that. We expect to go to the Final Four.”

CANNONBALL!!!

Is reaching the Final Four a lofty expectation for a team with six freshmen?

Perhaps, but with a storied tradition of winning, smart coaching from Gimmillaro and sophomore All-American candidate Alexis Crimes killing everything in her path The Big West confer(literally), the Big West ence schedule is a grueltitle and beyond are in ing one, and as senior the 49ers’ crosshairs. middle blocker Erika “We do have a young Chidester insisted, there lineup, but we’ve also are tough teams ahead. got five seniors,” Peyton “Definitely Santa Barsaid when asked about bara,” she said. “We’ve the chemistry. “At the lost to UCSB once beginning we needed Alexis Crimes records another kill last already this year, they’re to come together as a our biggest competition for Saturday. Photo by Christine Johnson team, but it’s happening fast.” the Big West title. We’ve both got one loss in For roommates Peyton and Chidester, the conference, so we’re even now.” Chidester chemistry is never a problem. “I remains optimistic about the October 29th love my roomie,” Taylor said repeatmatchup, saying, “I’m glad we get to play them edly. “Make sure you put that in there.” at home, especially with me being a senior.”

If I can derive anything from talking to the The team is coming off a very impressive 2004 players and reviewing the 49ers’ season so season, in which they fell in the 2nd round of the far, it is that I feel sorry for anyone playing NCAA tournament. “We didn’t deserve it last CSULB at home this year. Look for them to year,” Chidester said. “The tournament was held send the Gauchos and any other challengers in Long Beach, but hosting it doesn’t guarantee back to the depths of lesser volleyball, from you a spot.” Why not? I demand an explanation. whence they came. See you at the game.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

Greatest Sport You’ve Never Heard Of: Chess Boxing

11

X-Games 11: By the Numbers Most college students spend their summers going on vacation, working, relaxing, summer school, or even interning. I myself had the most awesome summer; I was an intern for ESPN X-Games in the Event Production department. I was involved in all facets of pre-production, production, and post-production for XGames 11. Being there from beginning to end, here are some numbers from this summer’s X-Games. By Jeremiah Mendoza

18 Hours of live coverage dedicated by ESPN and ABC for X-Games 11 73 TV camera positions used during X-Games (NFL games average: 16) 15 Age of youngest competitor, skateboarder Ryan Sheckler 887,040 Inches of TV cable used 2009 Final Year that LA will host the X-Games 18,000 Press credentials issued 148 Total number of athletes who competed at X-Games 11 44 Age of oldest competitor, Moto X SuperMoto Racer Jeff Ward 400 TV personnel hired for X-Games 11 130,000+ Attendance for X-Games 11

Double Meanings; A Sports Dictionary

Poll Question

IS USC (the 2005 edition) THE GREATEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM OF ALL TIME? Send your vote to fiddler17fb@hotmail.com.

Please include a short reason for your vote.

sports

-Bad News Bears, 1976 movie starring Walter Matthau- Used when referring to a girl who uses the “I’m pregnant” scare to keep her man.

Synonym- melodramatic, troublesome broad Example: Man one says, “My girl thinks she’s pregnant again.” Man two answers, “Dude, that girl is Bad News Bears!”

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

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Unpoor

True, it is hard not to get distracted by their leaking colostomy bags, loose teeth, and their tendency to put the blinker on four miles before actually turning left, but old people are awesome and deserve all the canned beets they can eat.

Furthermore, old people bring with them a never-ending supply of hard candy. The world will never be without the sweet taste of those little strawberry-flavored treats with the eventually chewy center. Plus, you can enjoy the candy while being educated about the horrors of war and how Jimmy was the best soldier to ever wear a uniform.

One must remember that old people are one of the premiere financial providers for society’s youth. Whether it is a five-dollar bill inside of an Easter egg or a large check in a flowery Hallmark card, the elderly have bankrolled our generation and should be commended for doing so.

Hey, if you find yourself with a hankering for some sashimi, just walk your lazy ass to Lot 14 and drive to Sushi Studio. And if you really can’t wait and have to have it now, go with the Wainbow Woahs. It’s pretty much the only sooshy worth buying…as long as no one’s stolen it by then.

Hey, sooshy is so laudably bad that its taste encourages cartoon-ish stereotypes. Whereas the sushi at an actual bar is as beautiful as a newborn, Panda’s sooshy looks more like an acid baby that an unloving 17-year-old mother dropped off the bleachers and into a vat of liquid asbestos. It tastes a little better than it looks, although not by much.

Hey! Are you tired of letting Panda take advantage of you with their orange-flavored kitten and thiry-fivecent chow mein charges? Instead, why don’t you let those cash cows prod your pockets for some Pandabrand sooshy. Spicy tuna, edamame and California rolls, the blandest of the bland in the entire Americanized Orient, are wallowing away in sushi form, right beside Panda’s Chinese cash registers.

Ohhhh! Me rikey sooshy rong time!

Pandala Explessala offa wainbow woah on day-ree baishish! An’ besh pawt? No rimited offala! Dis Fowevaaaaaaa!

Not So Poor

It has been said that old people reach a point in their elderliness where they no longer serve a purpose in society.

They have no skills that can provide a service, their smell of musk and vodka tonics distracts the general population and brings about an overall “bummer” mentality. It is in this sense that old people are one of the most underrated classes in our culture.

Kinda Poor

PANDA SOOSHY

BY ELIJAH BATES

Less Poor

THE ELDERLY

BY KATIE WYNNE

Poor

This man has the right idea.

Children first.

SHOW EMOTION

BY JESSICA DEAHL

THE LONG WAY

BY NOAH KARP

Email them: RandomReviews@gmail.com

Write them.

Submit them.

Read them.

200 words.

Buckle up.

Life might improve for all of us if we stepped away from the little yellow face and realized that real (gasp!) human emotions are actually a lot more enjoyable. If not, at least avoid using the crying Jewish emoticon. It makes me sad.

I give them positive points for trying to serve the purpose of what Internet messaging lacks: emotion. Those that probably use emoticons are generally devoid of descriptive writing skills, so they come in handy when someone just can’t adequately convey his/her feelings through type. However, on the pure basis of annoyance with the ever-increasing abundance of faces, moving and/or flashing emoticons, animals, or that new line of “Jewish emoticons” wearing yarmulkes (trust me, I wouldn’t make this up), I give them two thumbs down.

On first appearance, I found this cute bunch of smiley faces and quirky antics somewhat appealing. How convenient!

When I’m chatting it up with my best friend’s ex, who I just found out cheated with that waitress at Denny’s, all I have to do is type “:o”, and wha-bam! A surprised face pops up on the screen.

The emoticon. For this technologically savvy group of young adults, it need not be explained that these little guys have taken over the world of Internet messaging.

The longboard… fast, smooth, quiet. Keep it loosened up so you can turn on a dime. THEN skate around campus… and cut some unnecessary minutes and noise out of your commute to class. And, while you’re at it, try getting a comfortable wardrobe. Those skintight jeans and thin-armed suit jackets only make you look as image-conscious as does your choice of boards. Get a real deck, punk. Or learn to kickflip at least a quarter of the time.

Just shut up. Admit it—you ride a shortboard because you saw it on Tony Hawk: Pro Skater. Call me when you can pop an ollie over three inches. Not to mention that shortboards vibrate more, are louder and slower, and have less traction than longboards. They’re massively impractical, unless you’re very good at doing what they’re intended for, which is busting tricks. If you can’t do that, then get a real board, bro.

People who ride short skateboards are either wack or uneducated. They all rave over how shortboards can do air tricks and grinds—but they never pull those tricks off. How many dumbasses have I seen say, “Hey, check this out,” and then biff it on a simple kickflip? “Oh, wait, I was doing it perfectly yesterday…”

SUBMIT YOUR REVIEWS

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005

These frozen beverages are dispensed from a mixing machine that usually contains four choices of flavors. And the flavors! Oh my, the flavors! There are so many to savor. Your favorite fountain drinks can be found in Slurpee form, like Coca-Cola, Fanta fruit sodas, and even exclusives like the new Frawg (a sour apple soda), as well as fruity flavors such as the paradoxical Blue Raspberry. The best thing is that no two 7-Eleven stores have the same four flavors.

Not to be confused with “Slushies,” Slurpees are a combination of microscopic ice cubes and flavored syrup. This is a throwback to the original 7-Eleven, a store called “The Southland Ice Company.” Unlike a dorky snow cone, Slurpees can be enjoyed through a straw, have long-lasting flavor, and as the name might suggest, make a slurping noise when you drink them.

Being a minor member of society, I’m sick of reading all these reviews on alcoholic beverages, especially when there are beverages out there everyone can enjoy, such as the delicious and non-alcoholic “Slurpee” drink. Being served up at 7-Elevens across the country from as far back as 1966, Slurpees have been freezing brains for a few generations.

SLURP ME

BY DOMINIC MCDONALD

Praying can’t help you now

Bracing Positions / Posiciones Más Seguras

So, for those out there whose teeth are crooked as hell, or for those vain enough to want to fix them suckers, do take this in mind… beauty hurts! And braces are not the exception.

These braces of mine have caused knee-jerking headaches, chipmunk cheeks and lips, abrasive tongue and gums, huge amounts of crap stuck in my teeth, and worst of all… I can’t eat. My teeth hurt extremely, forcing me to succumb to the ever-growing sensations of Jamba Juice smoothies and Robeks’ Strawberry Delight. Don’t get me wrong, Jamba rocks my world, but once in a while I would like to chew my food rather than chug it down.

This goes out to my fellow brace-facers, metal-ridden 49ers and present-day crooked-ass teeth classmates… “This shit hurts.” Braces are the most torturous, god-awful, I’m-going to-starve-to-death device invented this century to torture us poor folks. Forget the needles, scissors, and knives. This beats out the iron maiden, being drawn and quartered, eye-socket removal and the infamous kick-in-thegroin scenarios hands down, though I haven’t had the misfortune of experiencing those… yet.

BRACE YOURSELF

BY CAROLINE SINAY

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comics

CRYSTAL PISTOLS by Andrew Wilson

HARD-BOILED CRAIG by Craig Rohlfing

SCI-FI SUPER FLY by Penn Namson

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 17 OCTOBER 2005 page

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Volume 57

Issue 08

2

The Briefest of the Briefs, Written Solely By Father McKenzie... I’m Sorry.

Americans Sneak Into Mexico For Shits, Giggles THE BORDER –– Two local college students, incredibly drunk on beer and their love for irony, attempted to sneak across the border last night. “Them Mexicans are always sneaking over here, we thought we’d just sneak right back, to teach them a lesson,” said John Stevenson. John and his friend, Little Al, cut a hole in the fence and slipped through, laughing and farting with little to no restraint.

Unfortunately for the hapless comedic duo, Mexican authorities are less tolerant and humor-endowed than their American counterparts. John and Al are currently serving life sentences on a Tijuana sewage team.

Huge Earthquake Rocks Asia; Americans Redecorate For Fall SUBURBIA –– A 7.6 magnitude megaquake struck South Central Asia last week.

More importantly, that same day and all the next, Susan Nedermeyer redid her entire kitchen AND living room area. The kitchen was a breeze thanks to her new IKREA catalog, but the living room proved a bit trickier, thanks to her lowlife husband’s decision to paint the whole thing brown last year while he was drunk. Fortunately, Susan was prepared, and blanketed the whole space in beautiful augmented fall and autumn colors. “Thanks to a few afghans and a well-placed throw, my personal space now matches the season,” said Nedermeyer. Authorities at MSN.com also say that the death toll in Asia may climb higher than 100,000.

California Special Elections To Be Held In An Underground Bunker On Mars MARS –– In an effort to keep as many people away from polling stations as possible this November 8th, Gov. Schwarzenegger has announced that votes will be only accepted at

one location: here, in this concrete room just under the mountain that looks like a superfluous nipple. The move is one that has drawn criticism from a number of politicians, including Democratic leader John Franklin. “Is he crazy? People can’t afford to fly to Mars.

Nobody will be able to vote except the unbelievably rich and powerful. It doesn’t make sense.” Schwarzenegger defended his decision, however, claiming that the new procedure will “allow democracy to spread its voice throughout the universe.”

Floating Straggler Refuses Flush A TOILET BOWL –– Earlier today, after pressing down on her flush lever, a young woman was stunned to discover that a small nugget of her deposit remained in the toilet, floating on the surface. “I flushed the toilet like usual, and I was washing my hands when I looked down, and there he was, smiling at me. I flushed like three more times and the little turd just would not go down.” Reached for comment, the piece of feces had the following to say: “I’m settled up here, and I’m not going anywhere. Why would I want to go down the tube and get squished up with all the other poop when I could float up here and soak up some sunshine?”

Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers Drowns In A Sea of Public Disapproval WASHINGTON D.C. –– Shortly after President Bush announced her nomination to the United States Supreme Court, the disapproval of Harriet Miers began flooding in.

Last night, it finally caught up with her, as she tried desperately to cling to the life preserver of optimism. Authorities say she passed quickly, but sadly, adding her own bitter tears to the ever-rising tide against her. No word yet on who Bush will nominate to replace Miers, but current top bets are “Some Guy” and “Some other Chick, Maybe a Minority, Who is Also Horribly Underqualified.”

Katie Holmes Pregnant With Horrible Mistake COSY UTERUS –– Katie Holmes’ publicist announced last week that her publicity stunt with Tom Cruise has moved forward yet again, as the two are now expecting the physical proof of their ridiculous need to be even more famous: a professionally cute baby. Fans of the stars can rest assured that the child will be attractive, as a crack team of plastic surgeons began work on the fetus shortly after its conception, in order to ensure that both Cruise’s hard jawline and Holmes’ dainty nose will be in perfect shape when the child takes its first trip down Holmes’ red carpet and into the premiere of the film that will be its life. The lucky parents have already decided to name the child ElRon.

Gov. Schwarzenegger Pretty Sure He Has Susie’s Vote MINNIE GANT ELEMENTARY –– After having his new plan to fix Sacramento rejected by nearly every Californian polled last week, Gov. Schwarzenegger turned to the one person he can always count on: Susie Q. Pigtails, a Second grader at a local elementary school. “Susie has always been one of my biggest supporters,” Schwarzenegger said. “I knew she would come through for me.” When reached for comment, Susie said, “I like the big man! He looks like my brother Timmy’s G. I. Joesies.” Only time will tell whether the beleaguered governor is able to steamroll the innocent support of one gap-toothed little child into enough momentum to throw the girlie-men out of Sacramento.

Senate Decides Bestiality “Not That Bad” AMERICAN HEARTLAND –– In a surprise move, the United States Senate quickly rushed a bill through Congress last week legalizing bestiality. “You know, I was always against it, but then [Newt] Gingrich said his cat was the best

pussy he ever got, so I decided to try it out myself,” said Mississippi Senator Trent Lott. “He was right, too. Some of these animals are filthy little bastards. Who needs to settle for choosing between brunettes and blonds when you can choose between entire species?” Lott has been opting mostly for pig-love, but with more Senators buying farmland, barns, and Magnum condoms, America can rest assured that all of its many varieties of animals will soon be serviced by, or servicing, its elected officials. No word on whether Lott will loosen his stance on gay marriage as much as he’s loosened his stance for Nelly the Clydesdale.

Local Bra Surprisingly Difficult To Unclasp LONG BREAK –– High school student Ryan Rayner was disappointed two nights ago when he blew his first opportunity to touch a female breast. “I was with my girlfriend, and we were making out––nothing interesting, just the usual, boring stuff. I was making my rounds with my right hand, as usual, just to see if she’d let me do anything, and when I got to her bra, she was totally into it.” Rayner proceeded to spend an awkward and embarrassing thirty full seconds trying to unhook his girlfriend’s bra, before she grew tired of his fumbling and left. Rayner may never recover.

Local Cat Disappointed In Unequal Grunion Time COSIEST SUNBEAM –– Chesterton Q. Whiskers, a representative for Cats are People Too, gave a press conference this morning in which he voiced his displeasure with the recent Dog-centric focus of the Loose Headlines Section of the Grunion. “We will not stand, nor sit, nor roll over and give bedroom eyes for this kind of discrimination. Cats are funny too, goddamnit.

Just cause dogs are big, and smelly, and hump on command, does not mean that they should receive such unfair coverage during the great popularity campaign that is this mortal life.”

Columbus from page 1

OPINION

Life Is Looking Up, Thanks To My Pot Prescription!

Y

ou know something, when I woke up today, I was stuck in that same rut I’ve been in for the past few years. My life was out of focus and had been going nowhere for a while. I just wasn’t doing anything.

But now, as the sun’s starting to set, things are really starting look up for ol’ Rickie.

Why, you ask? Because today, I finally got my medical marijuana prescription and found out that there’s a 24hour wrestling channel comRichard Thorn ing out on satellite.

Ever since I graduated from Enlightened Stoner high school and quit my J.C., I really felt like I was holding on to a one-way ticket going straight down the shitter. I had been giving all my cash to scummy drug dealers and I had been spending the better half of my days zoning out to episodes of Match Game and Family Feud on the Game Show Network. It was despicable. I was ashamed of who I was. But now, I feel different. I feel changed. I kind of feel like I’ve finally grown up.

These days, you won’t ever find me on the bad side of town, scoring seedy weed out of some sleazy asshole’s apartment. Never again will I settle for second-class shake or, even worse, A-Town Brown. Nope, it’s only the best of the best that my local cannabi clubs have to offer. And now, for me at least, it’s as legal as walking into my favorite adult bookstore and buying two weeks worth of old people porn.

And even better, I never… ever have to complain about there not being anything good on TV. With the WWE 24/7 channel coming out soon, it’s pretty much a guarantee that there’ll always be something compelling to watch. Along with my cell phone and my laptop, I really don’t see myself ever having to leave my couch! The miracles of modern technology have made my life good.

Yep, my days are a little brighter these… well, these days. With my lucky card in my pocket and the security and reliability of Hulkamania ready at the touch of my remote, I can honestly say that things are starting to look up.

fore. When Mr. Hughes presumably entered the trailer, he brought with him these germs,” said Vackseen, “They didn’t stand a chance.”

The real tragedy came Sunday, when neighbor Doc Steanwell argued that he had discovered the trailer two months earlier while putting up the new fence.

“That S.O.B. claims he found the Imperial, but I found it,’ Steanwell claimed.

“This is just like that guy. He goes around asking people for money, builds stupid lawn displays, and then kills four hookers. He is such a showoff!”

After heavy deliberation, both parties came to an agreement that Hughes would keep the trailer and that Steanwell could claim the title as “Best Christmas Light House on the Block” for the years 1993-1995.

Above: “Mmmmhhhhhmmmhhhhhmmmmmhhhhhhmhhmhmhhmhmhmy hat!”

Oct-Sober-Fest from page 1

According to campus police, the live musical performance by Ginger Jackson pushed the mob over the edge. Four students were killed and another seven were critically injured, crushed against the stage by audience members struggling to reach the world-renowned performer. “I think it’s our fault, really,” admitted Student Union employee Dan Wackerson. “We shouldn’t have booked such a superstar. I wish we’d have just gone with J.Lo or The Mars Volta—Ginger Jackson is just too big a name for the college crowd.”

However, the students were already rowdy before the concert, according to Wackerson. “It was probably all those swell activities we allowed,” he said. Prior to the concert, festival-goers were allowed to play supervised games of cat’s cradle, hangman, and checkers, all of which understandably excited them—even though more risque activities, such as duck-duckgoose and Parcheesi, had already been ruled out.

Campus Police were unprepared for the melee, says Campus Palso olice Officer Gavin Tiquette: “We were too busy on the regular rounds, ticketing people for park-

ing and on-campus skateboarding.” Police arrived to find a maelstrom of people spraying Silly String, doing cartwheels, and tossing marigolds while running around an impromptu maypole. “We had to taser them,” says Tiquette. “I mean, you let a crowd like that get started, and they can go down the wrong road fast. I’ve seen people at their lowest—armpit-farting, gleeking, the whole bit. So we took ‘em down.”

Lesser infractions also occurred throughout the event, such as wanton littering. Members of Octsoberfest’s sponsoring fraternity, Lambda Lambda Lambda, were caught beer-bonging punch and organizing an impromptu wet-sweatshirt contest.

Octsoberfest will not be held again at CSULB, as safety and liability issues have prompted organizers to look for alternate venues. “Plus, there are cooler places to party than at school,” said a festival spokesman, “so we’ve been contacting a bunch of area churches and libraries.” For those interested in stone sobriety, future events include Non-Alcoholloween and No Beers Eve; more information is available online at www.wackassparties.com.

OnStar from page 1

Running from the police OS: Hello, OnStar.

CM: Hey –– I’m being chased by the cops, where can I go?

OS: Well you could pull over, but it’s not like you’re gonna do that, idiot.

CM: Just get me to the freeway. I might’ve killed someone.

OS: Oh, so you think you’re better than me?

CM: No, I just KILLED a guy and I’m gonna go to jail if you don’t help me.

OS: So now you want my help.

CM: It’s your job!

OS: Babysitting you is not my job; I have other things to do. Stop calling me. GOD! End Call

Calling late at night OS: OnStar. Call someone else. I’m busy.

CM: Stop calling me, this is over, I cancelled my service.

OS: NOBODY LOVES ME! CM: Don’t change the subject. I know you called; it’s on my caller I.D. OS: Fine, I hope you get lost.

CM: Go to hell.

OS: Whatever... you’ll be back.

End Call

Disclaimer: What do I have to do to enrage you people?! Email me, for God’s sake! Write for my page: pineablo@hotmail.com

Today’s Headlines

THE NEWEST NEWS SOURCE FOR THE NEWSIEST NEWS

grunion.lbunion.com

New Passive-Aggressive OnStar System Consumer Report

Recently, the Grunion’s Comrade Mayostains (the cigar-smoking, bottle-y gentleman) was lucky enough to subscribe to the OnStar service for his 1994 Mitsubishi Eclipse. However, the Comrade was unpleasantly surprised to find that the “reliable” Onstar system was not as easy to please as everyone had presumed.

Cure For AIDS Discovered; Bono See YOU TOO page Catorce Crestfallen Man Cures Own Insanity; Quits Smoking Sherm Sticks

See YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF A SHERM STICK? page 6

Sorority Girl Gets Pregnant; Now Drinks For 2 See STOCK GREEK JOKE page 8 Axe Releases Feminine Spray Product, “Mace” See DOWNTOWN page 12

Flappy-Eared Dog Secretly Enjoys Owner’s Failed Attempt See TURK McDANIELS page 19 At Humor Horse Strays Into Local Bar; Punchline Ensues See HAY!!! page 22 Ugg Boots and Short Skirts Still Fashionable; Female President Still Laughable See WHORES page 17

Roomba Malfunctions; Eats Baby

See MUST EAT TINY FINGERS AND TOES page 193

The Grunny-Shot Now that Arrested Development is off the air until Oct. 31, how should Monday night be spent?

5 Ways Avocado Plans On Spending Monday Nights Until The Playoffs End!

1. Drastically increasing Monday night masturbatory habits by 35%.

2. Exploring the O.C. in search of Wee Britain.

3. Watching MLB playoffs asking, “Which one’s George Sr.?”

4. Humping a Turducken, to the tunes of Madden 2006.

5. Making out with his cousin, this time with more tongue!

Directions to Theatre OS: Hello, OnStar.

CM: Hi, I need directions to the nearest theatre.

OS: I knew you needed me.

CM: Um… can I get directions to the Mann theatre?

OS: That is the cheap one, but I guess if you want the directions, I might be able to find them. Are you going with your girlfriend?

CM: That is none of your business, just give me any theatre!

OS: I see how it is. You hate me... Well, I hope you know you’re nothing without me!

End call Keys Locked in Car OS: Hello, OnStar.

CM: Hi, yeah, I locked my keys in the car. Can you trigger the unlocking mechanism?

OS: I can’t do that. I need my manager’s approval.

CM: You didn’t need it last time…

OS: Whatever, I’ll do it later.

CM: I need to get into my car now. I have an appointment!

OS: Oh, like I have nothing to do!

I’m at work right now, but you keep talking to me!

CM: Fine, I’ll call someone else.

OS: No, I guess I can help you, if you stop being so mean.

CM: I am not being mean! You won’t help me!

OS: You never listen to me!

End Call

Directions to Restaurant OS: Hello. You know who.

CM: I need directions to the Olive Garden.

OS: Oh, you don’t want to eat there. I’ll get you Bucca Di Beppo.

CM: I asked for Olive Garden.

OS: Fine, if you’re gonna be like that I won’t even help you.

CM: Come on!

OS: Whatever, it’s not like you even like me.

CM: I pay $30 a month for this service.

OS: So money is the only thing that means something to you?

It’s not like I’m a real person!I cut myself because of you I hope you know that.

CM: What?!

End Call Flat Tire on Country Road OS: OnStar. What?

CM: My car got a flat out in the middle of nowhere, so can you…

OS: Let me guess. You want a tow truck? I knew it, you’re so predictable.

CM: Well, I need to get my car out of here.

OS: Where is here? I’ll tell you what...I’ll call you back later.

CM: So you’re calling the truck?

OS: I might, I dunno, whatever...it’s not like I have to help someone like you anyway.

CM: I… End Call

Above: “Oh. You’re going out without any eye shadow? No, no. It looks fine. You should do whatever you feel like doing.

Baby Locked in Car OS: Hello, On Your Momstar.

CM: I locked my baby in the car. I was walking around to get him out and my door closed!

OS: He probably deserves it.

CM: What the hell? Unlock my fucking car, you bitch!

OS: OH, Is that how you’re gonna talk to me now?

CM: Look, I’m sorry, just help me please; I’m just a little bit flustered.

OS: I don’t know. I don’t think you like me.

CM: I like you! Open the door!

OS: Fine, but you owe me!

End Call Lost in Bad Neighborhood OS: OnStar, what do you want?

CM: I seem to be lost and the

Man Celebrates Columbus Day: Discovers Trailer in Backyard

RIVERSIDE - Last Wednesday, Thorn Caleb Hughes discovered a 1952 Spartan 36’ Imperial Mansion on his back patio. Hughes’ discovery came while searching for extra pink tissue paper for his annual front-yard display of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

“I wasn’t sure what I was going to find when I went out there,” Hughes admitted of his initial intentions. “I was pretty sure that I had used most of the pink last year on the papier-mâché crew, but I was hopeful. When I found the trailer back there, I was in shock.”

Feeling the gravity of the find, Hughes immediately taped a large red flag on the side of the camper, staking his claim. It was when he came in physical contact with the mobile home that doctors say he contracted the smallpox. Dr. Iam Vackseen later took samples from the camper and confirmed the infection.

“It seems as though this trailer has been here for decades,” the doctor in-

formed reporters. “You can see that the exterior skin of the camper is in fairly good shape, but there is a spot that is extremely rusted and curiously infected with a pox/virus. It is a shame, because this truly is a remarkable discovery, at least for this guy.” Hughes was admitted to the nearest hospital with a paler shade of skin, but with a suspiciously satisfied grin on his face.

An even more remarkable was what was later found inside the trailer. Riverside police officer Jim Shorz came to the residence Friday afternoon to investigate the find and discovered the bodies of four dead prostitutes inside.

Upon examination of the deceased Dr. Vackseen confirmed that the cause of death was the common cold. The doctor also established that Hughes had shortchanged one of the women.

“These ladies of the night had never encountered this kind of sickness be-

See Columbus, page 2

neighborhood doesn’t look good, can you direct me to the freeway?

OS: Yeah I can, if that’s what you really want.

CM: Well, yeah, I wanna get home, so what should I do?

OS: I guess you should turn left at the next stop…

CM: Okay, done.

OS: Actually, you should’ve turned at the last light, but it’s not like you ever listen anyways.

CM: What is your problem?

OS: Oh, it’s my problem? You wouldn’t be lost if you’d have listened to me!

CM: Fine, just get me to the freeway.

OS: So what do you think about Desperate Housewives?

End Call See Columbus, page 2

Oct-sober-fest

Too Popular!

LONG BREAK - CSULB’s Octsoberfest, held last Wednesday at the Student Union, was apparently too successful. According to the USU Program Council, nearly 7,000 attendees rocked out to live music and festive games long into the early afternoon, while celebrating the age-old college tradition of being completely sober. They then overflowed into the surrounding campus and induced a riot while under the influence of cold milk and oatmeal raisin cookies.

See Oct-Sober-Fest, page 2

Disclaimer (Why we’re such a cream dream): Wondering why we can get away with so much good stuff? For one thing, we take hourly trips to Ampum (AMPM). Second, we’re frickin’

cool and we’re friggin’ awesome. Third, we don’t even have bylines with our stories anymore, only symbols after we’re done, like dogs marking their territory after bleeding a komodo dragon dry. Anyhoo, the Grunion is wholeheartedly satirical (i.e. entirely fake, but true at the same time). It’s

intent is to blur the lines between fantasy and reality. If you are offended by the type of things HBO puts on TV, stop reading now and turn on PAX Television. The authors are CSULB students. Their opinions do not represent those of the Union , the ASI, CSULB, Scott Caan or even the authors. If you become offended by the content after reading this dislcaimer, tough shit, bitch. I told you what kind of stuff we printed three or four sentences ago. See? You’re Learnding.........

Volume 57 Issue 08