2
ADS
Issue 80.12 Alejandro Ramos, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Bailey Mount, Managing Editor manager@lbunion.com Nathan Zankich, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Alexis Cruz, Social Media Manager Allison Meyer, Multimedia Manager Britney Weller, Multimedia Assistant Alfredo Bañuelos, Advertising Executive Aravind Karuppusamy, Ads Associate Christopher Orozco, Distribution Manager
ART & DESIGN Sam Orihuela, Art Director artdirector@lbunion.com John Mueller, Graphics Illustrator illustration@lbunion.com
EDITORIAL Matthew Gozzip, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com Sylvana Uribe, Community Editor sylvanawriter@gmail.com Sheila J. Sadr, Copy Editor sheila@lbunion.com Amanda Dominguez-Chio, Culture Editor amanda@lbunion.com Peter R. Clark, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Mercedes Colomar, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Kaila-Marie Hardaway, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Elliott Gatica, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Jordan Daniels, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com
STAFF MEMBERS Natalee Coloman, Karrie Comfort, Wardah Imran, Diana Martinez, Samantha Neou, Soun Oeng, R. Ray Robinson, Tara Thomas, Francisco Valladares
CONTRIBUTOR Nancy Soriano, Madison Morris
Hablamos con Ramos y Bailey Alex Ramos Editor-in-Chief
What up, young people! I’m writing this during commercial breaks of Saturday’s batch of NBA playoff games. How am I doing this, you ask? I’m doing this for two reasons. First, I signed up for a month of free Youtube TV (Youtube, sponsor me!) Second, I don’t have much to do despite the fact that half of the paper isn’t finished yet. Let me explain. A fair amount of the staff is out of the office today. Bailey and Britney, our multimedia assistant, went home for Easter. Sheila, Amanda, and Allison are at an art gala at at the Japanese garden. Matt is turning up at Coachella. And Peter is at work. Despite this, I’m not stressing over the paper. I’ve gotten to a point where I realize there’s no point to getting worked up if things are
Bailey Mount Managing Editor
going slowly. I mean, what’s that going to do besides raise my blood pressure? I just have to give my editors time to do their work. All I can do for now is chill and make myself available if they need help. This realization is sort of bittersweet for me. Imagine how much better past productions could have gone if I knew then what I know now. I can’t go back and fix all of the mistakes I made in my time as Editor-in-Chief. What I can do, though, is make the next couple of weeks the best that they can be. I’m going to miss this office. I’m going to miss this group of people. I’m going to miss all of this. Anyway, how about the NBA playoffs? Y’all see the Cavaliers struggle against the Pacers? I got the Pacers in 7. Don’t @ me.
Greetings! It’s me, coming at you live from the sands! The sands is my hometown of Lancaster, California. When I tell people where I’m from, I get three reactions: the “I don’t know where that is,” the good natured smile that means people don’t know where that is and they won’t admit it, or the “oh, I have a cousin and/ or friend that lives out there, I’ve passed through.” It’s not without its charms. This sleepy little not city not town usually inspires some of my better fiction pieces. And my family’s here. So I’m not at my usual place of residence this week. I’m hangin’ with the fam for Easter. This is one of the first times in a while that I’m not worried about the office. It was a crazy hectic wild busy week, yea. But at the end of it, I felt pretty efficient. I’m everywhere. I’m loving it. My mental health has improved in leaps and bounds.
And then there was Journalism Day. Fun fact about us over here at the UW: we don’t accept just journalism majors. We’re a jack-ofall-trades kind of group, and we’ve shown so much improvement from what we were given despite that. Obviously. I mean, one of our interns, staff writer, myself and two of our editors got awards at this year’s ceremony. We’re doing it and I’m so proud of all of us. Honestly, I think it’s just going to get better. And hey, maybe it’ll even get to the point where I can get my journalism professors to say our newspaper’s name when they give us awards. Get ready, journalism department. You still have another year of me to deal with. And right now, I feel like I can handle what you’re going to keep throwing at me. Peace, fam. I’m going to go paint some eggs.
Defending a trans person’s
Japanese garden hosts
Showing supporting artists
right to privacy
art gala for Alzheimer’s
of “When We Young”
aweareness
festival some love
see page 6
see page 10
see page 5 COVER DESIGN BY: Nathan Zankich FEATURE DESIGN BY: Sam Orihuela CONTACT US Snail Mail: 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 116 Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone: 562.985.4867 E-mail: lbunion.info@gmail.com Classifieds: classifieds.lbunion@gmail.com
@UnionWeekly
Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the Union Weekly, ASI nor CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
4 COMMUNITY
Still Rising Students share stories of education after incarceration Words and Photos by Karrie Comfort Staff Writer
Student panelists shared their transition of being in the prison system to the education system in a panel on April 13 in Peterson Hall. (Karrie Comfort)
Fifteen minutes before the panel “Still We Rise” was set to begin, nearly every seat was filled with listeners whom were ready to hear about how incarceration has affected students on our campus. Professor James Binnall, a faculty member in the criminal justice department here at CSULB who himself was previously incarcerated, opened up the panel discussion before introducing President Jane Conoley who was in attendance with a brief explanation of the topic. “The people we incarcerate and the rate at which we incarcerate them here in the United States of America is one of our major civil rights challenges,” said Conoley. “So it is right for a unviersity of our stature and size to be involved in some way to mitigate those injuries.” Several CSULB students who were on the panel, including Joe Luis Hernandez, Irene Sotello and Adrian Vasquez. They told stories about how they went from being in jail to obtaining a new start as college students. Hernandez, now a graduate student completing his Masters in Counseling for student development in higher education, used to be a gang member with one goal: to be just like his cousin and end up in jail. “Even once I was out of jail, I didn’t apply for any good jobs, because I thought that that was what I was worth,” said Hernandez, who only applied for low skill service jobs. After being prompted by his mom, he eventually went to community college. One
day, Hernandez received an assignment back from his professor with red ink all over it, but at the bottom, the professor had written, “You write beautifully. Come to my office hours.” All it took was one person to believe in him and after a lot of hard work, Hernandez reframed his life from on-the-roadto-jail, to on-theroad-to-a-degree. “She believed in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself,” said Hernandez Irene Sotello started doing drugs when she was in 7th grade, the year she lost her mom to suicide. She quit drugs when she met her husband, but returned to them after a bout with cancer. The drugs ultimately led her to leave her family and become homeless, spending time in and out of jail. When she got out prison, Sotello was overjoyed to find out that she was going to become a grandma. However, she would only be allowed to see
“I was the biggest [expletive] in high school, and now I’m here and want to do good.”
her grandchild on one condition: no drugs. Now, not only is she drug-free, but she is also helping start the Rising Scholars club on campus for other previously incarcerated students who need resources or just someone to reach out to. “I just want other students and faculty to know ]that] all I want is to have the chance to succeed… and not be treated differently because I’m an ex-offender,” said Sotello. “I’m working just as hard or maybe even harder than other students because of being an ex-felon.” Adrian Vasquez, a sociology major, echoed Sotello’s sentiment and recalled how he struggled to rejoin society after his release from prison. “All we’re asking for is an opportunity… look beyond our conviction and see us for who we are now,” said Vasquez. Vasquez was taking classes at CSULB when he was convicted of a felony and sentenced for life. He was let out on parole
“I just want other students and faculty to know all I want is to have the chance to succeed ... and not be treated differently because I’m an exoffender.”
20 years later. He knew that he wanted to go back to CSULB and finish what he started. He wrote to professor Dr. Brenda Vogel who helped him set up his financial aid applications, apply for classes and eventually transfer in during the fall term of 2016. Not only is Vasquez a student, but he also works full-time at the Anti-Recidivism Coalition (ARC) with former film producer Scott Budnick. Scott Budnick is the founder of the AntiRecidivism Council, which is committed to helping formerly incarcerated people find hope, and also spent the first portion of his career in the film industry working on films like “The Hangover.” Budnick left the film industry four years ago and works with ARC full-time, which he describes as the most rewarding work he has ever done. “I’ve always been a storyteller… these are the stories that will change hearts and minds and legislation,” said Budnick. The story that united all of the panel members was that many formerly incarcerated people simply need someone to believe in them, the resources to help them along and education to give them a second chance. “I feel there are a lot of people who are afraid to speak out, because of the stigma that being a felon brings… but if I can inspire by being in the master’s program, that’s what I want to do,” said Hernandez. “I was the biggest fuck up ever in high school, and now I’m here and I want to do good.”
Keep Outing to Yourself For those of you unfamiliar with the TV game show “Survivor”, it’s about a group of strangers stranded on an island who have to compete in challenges and build relationships with other players to “survive” on the show. Every week they have a tribal council where the losing tribe has to vote out a player, and this week there was blood shed. Michael Varner, one of the contestants, was under the impression that he was going to be eliminated during the tribal council so he decided he was going to blow up other people’s games on his way out. He turned to the guy seated next to him, Zeke Smith, and asked him “Why haven’t you told them you’re transgender?” You should never ever out someone, it is not your information to share and you don’t know the very real fears and problems that could come of it. We live in a world where it’s dangerous to be your genuine self if it’s different than society’s heteronormative ideals. And the reckless and ignorant outing that happened on “Survivor” should never have been a thing. Varner tried to justify his question by pointing out that if Smith was capable of “lying” about that, then you could be sure he’s lying about other things as well. Then, once Varner realized he had royally screwed up, he tried to take back what he
By Britney Weller Multimedia Assistant
said (on national television, with millions of viewers). But when taking it back he also, once again, tried to justify it by saying he has several transgender friends back home, so he’s not being transphobic. No, that’s not how it works.
“lying” about himself if he chooses not to tell people, because he wants people to see him as “Zeke the awesome Survivor player” not “that trans man on tv.” Zeke Smith is just a normal man, who now has to deal with people only seeing him as a trans man.
John Mueller/Graphics Illustrator If you heard a white man talking about how he wasn’t racist because he has a lot of black friends, wouldn’t that set off alarm bells? This tactic is old and ineffective. You can be friends with one person while still not agreeing with the views of the whole group. And not telling people you’re transgender doesn’t make you a liar. In fact, Zeke isn’t
Silence is Telling
OPINIONS
It’s not your story to tell
5
Since January of this year, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation has reported that 8 transgender people have been targeted and killed, simply because of who they are. In 2016 there was a record breaking 27 murders, not including transgender murders that were not reported due to police misgendering, lack of media coverage, and
sometimes the family covering it up. Sadly, most of the deceased were transgender women of color, which shows that we haven’t come nearly far enough in civil rights struggles as we think. Since Survivor is filmed months in advance, the show’s organizers as well as Smith had a time to prepare for this moment. While Smith said this is not the way he would have liked the information to come out, he’s glad he was able to use this to shine light on a lot of misconceptions people may hold about transgender people and offer up hope to others who are dealing with the same struggle. In a CNN article, Zeke Smith perfectly clarifies why the attack was not okay, “A person’s gender history is private information and it is up to them, and only them, when, how, and to whom they choose to disclose that information… Keeping your gender history private is not the same as a gay person being ‘in the closet.’ The only people who need to know are medical professionals and naked funtime friends.” You can be a friend or a supporter, but don’t be ignorant and assume that because you come from a safe and inclusive area that everywhere is safe and inclusive, and that everyone will understand when you out someone. It is not your story to tell.
Administration doesn’t listen to us
By Alex Ramos Editor-in-Chief There’s a lot of things to love about our school: the students, the teachers, the proximity to the beach, the multitude of great food spots nearby. There is one thing I don’t love, though, and that’s the administration. Time after time, they’ve done and said things that made me question if they really care about us, both as students and as people. It’s not like the administrators haven’t had opportunities to show that they care. There have been plenty of incidents where they could have stepped up and done right by the students. Last spring, a male student allegedly brandished a knife at a female student during a class discussion. The focus quickly turned from what happened in the classroom to what happened outside of it. Students had questions and concerns about the incident and the administration did absolutely nothing. They let the situation fester while they “investigated” what happened. It wasn’t until a week or two later that they said anything concrete. The major issue was that the administration failed to communicate
properly with the students. They didn’t the Long Beach Police Department. That reach out to us. They didn’t post anything was the last that was heard. on social media. They didn’t say, “Hey, we’re Within a month, the whole situation had gonna figure it out, okay?” They just sat on blown over. Most students had moved on. their hands until it became obvious that they The most vocal crowds grew smaller and couldn’t ignore the problem anymore. smaller until they had completely dissipated. It was at point that Therein lies the the administration problem: they only took action and care when they have organized forums to to care. They only encourage discussion take action when it’s of the incident. The necessary to prevent first forum descended bad things from into a one-sided happening and they conversation, though, only speak up when it’s with the students necessary to quell our who felt most affected anxieties long enough taking control of the for us to forget. event. In the following But we’re not weeks, a second event always going to was organized in an John Mueller/Graphics Illustrator forget. We’re not attempt to have an always going to accept actual conversation. The second forum went their half-assed attempts to make amends much smoother than the first. and we’re going to continue asking and There were also talks of conducting an demanding proper conversations, exactly investigation into the incident. At some like Alisia Thompson did. point, the investigation was turned over to Thompson, a former Student Life and
Development (SLD) employee and graduate student, recently came under investigation for sending administrators 1,600 emails in the span of a few days after her attempts to resolve an issue with Vice President Carmen Taylor went ignored. Thompson’s complaints stemmed from incidents where she claims felt like she had been targeted personally and professionally by Taylor while she was employed by SLD. Now, Thompson is in danger of being expelled from the graduate program, and for what? For trying to have her voice heard? If that is so, then that’s an unfortunate reason. A factor from Thompson’s situation that stuck out to me was the fact that she wanted to help ease the situation following the incident that occurred last spring. She is on the record stating that she attempted to give suggestions on how to approach the issue only to be ignored. All they needed to do was take the time to sit down and listen to us. That’s it. Until then, they won’t get any love from me.
6 CULTURE
The Art of Helping AMA hosts their annual event to raise funds for the Alzeheimer’s Association Advertisement
Allison Meyer/Union Weekly From left to right: Gabriel Estrada posing by his artwork, Annel Labrador and her prints, Crowd gathers to appreciate the art, One of the figurines by Lexis Gomez
By Amanda Dominguez-Chio Culture Editor The American Marketing Association hosted their 5th Annual Art Gala located on campus at the Earl Burns Miller Japanese Garden, this past Saturday. The Art Gala gathered CSULB students to showcase their artwork and raise money for the Alzheimer’s Association, a non-profit organization supporting families dealing with Alzheimer’s disease. The garden held several stations, like face painting and booths that played live music, allowing guests to participate and donate money for the organization. Because we got there so early, my friend and I wandered around the garden as people finished setting up. The perks of arriving early, however, was that we were able to speak with the artists. One of the artists, Alaina Tinnirello, revealed she started painting in
the 6th grade, so it’s amazing to know she continued pursuing her passion. The event was not limited to only artwork but contained an open mic that allowed students to read their poetry. The most memorable part of the night was listening to my friend Sheila J. Sadr, a fourth year English major, read her poems. I heard her read three poems, one of them, to my delight, being “Petals.” This poem was published in a previous issue so it was great hearing her read it aloud. She read with such passion and enthusiasm and I enjoyed every minute of it. Overall, the Art Gala was fun and for a great cause. I look forward to next year’s event and all the artists who continue to grow into their future careers.
7 FEATURE
April 17, 1975 By Wardah Imran Intern and Samantha Neou Intern
Steve, a b ove , re m e m b e r s the events of the Cambodian Genocide that affected his family, pictured in the top photo. (Courtesy of Brandon Kheang)
“We go over the Holocaust every single year,” said high school student Muavin Syed, 16. “I could tell you everything in the history textbooks about it. I couldn’t tell you anything about other genocides and definitely not the Cambodian Genocide.” Syed echoes an all too common experience that is especially surprising when it occurs in Long Beach, known as the Cambodian capital of the United States. According to the latest U.S. census, Long Beach hosts 20,000 Cambodian residents, many of whom are Cambodian Genocide refugees. This is the largest Cambodian population outside of Southeast Asia. “I never heard a word about it. I didn’t know it happened,” said Syed. The Cambodian Genocide was carried out by the Khmer Rouge, a group of fanatical communists whose goal it was to return Cambodia to a purely agrarian and primitive society. Following their victory in the Cambodian Civil War, the Khmer Rouge began their regime by forcibly evacuating people from the nation’s cities. The most notable evacuation took place in the capital Phnom Penh, populated by 2.5 million people at the
time, which marked the overthrow of the existing government of the Khmer Republic to form Democratic Kampuchea. Peter Kheang recalls the day that the Khmer Rouge evacuated the capital under the false pretense of ensuing American bombs. He was 13 years old on April 17, 1975. “I didn’t know [what was happening],” said Kheang. “My family woke up and we stood in front of the house. We saw all the soldiers marching on the street, screaming with [guns pointed] at everybody, including my family, to get out of the house and to get out of the city. Just to get out. We had no idea where to go.” Steve Meng, also a survivor, still remembers his nightmarish experiences from that time period. “You know, as a young kid, you don’t really understand a whole lot of what’s going on,” said Meng. “All I knew was that all of my childhood was robbed from me. Almost my entire family was wiped out.” Civilians, even those ill in hospitals, were forced out and into brutal, abusive labor camps in the countryside where hundreds of thousands would die of starvation. Many were never to return to their homes ever again. Anyone found out to be educated (doctors, teachers, judges, lawyers, artists), religious (monks, religious scholars), or wealthy was tortured or immediately killed. Ethnic minorities
such as the Vietnamese were systematically killed or driven out of the country. International outcry was virtually nonexistent. “The destruction of the intellectual infrastructure was pretty complete… I think Cambodia still needs to do a major catch-up,” said Dr. Teri Yamada, chair of the Asian and Asian American Studies department at California State University, Long Beach. The violent regime killed an estimated 2 million people before they were removed from power by Vietnam in 1979. Even after their defeat, though, the Khmer Rouge was involved in guerrilla warfare that did not end until 1994 and killed about 1.3 additional people. The role of the United States during this time was significant, as it lent the Khmer Rouge enormous support in the form of political alliances and economic aid (about one million dollars a day). According to R.J Rummel in “Statistics of Democide,” the Khmer Rouge is responsible for approximately 2.4 million of the almost 3.3 million murders that were carried out by government and guerrilla violence in Cambodia from 1970 to 1980. The nation lost close to 54 percent of its population in one decade. “Cambodia underwent a human catastrophe unparalleled in this century,” writes Rummel. --
8 FEATURE
FEATURE
Above photo courtesy of Peter Kheang
The first wave of refugees arrived in Long Beach in 1975. Due to a cultural exchange program funded by USAID at CSULB in the ‘50s and ‘60s, Cambodian connections to Long Beach were in place beforehand, accounting for Long Beach’s now much larger Cambodian population. On his arrival to the U.S. from a Thai refugee camp, Kheang said, “It was [exciting], and shocking at the same time because I didn’t speak a word in English. I was like a monkey. I was in one of the math classes and I just looked around. When people got up, I got up. They took out a new piece of paper, I took out a piece of paper… But I had no idea what I was doing.” The aftereffects of witnessing intense brutality and/or being subject to it, losing multiple loved ones in a short period of time and experiencing displacement have invisible but painful consequences. “I really miss Cambodia,” said Kheang. “I [get] homesick. Sometimes I cry at night, thinking of my sister at home and my younger brother.” The devastation that survivors brought with them overseas lingers over the Cambodian community like a thick fog. “I think it’s really tough for many [refugees] to work through this,” said
Yamada. “[The genocide] was too awful to be able to just talk about it a few times and have it heal. I think people can get better, but I don’t know if you can ever 100 percent heal a trauma like that.” Heidi Hou, president of the Cambodian Student Society at CSULB, said the pain of the past stays with her father to this day. She recounted the time she was getting ready to study abroad in Cambodia to learn how to read and write in Khmer. Her father had a hard time accepting it. “Being here for the past thirty years, he’s like, ‘I never wanna go back,’” said Hou. “And my mom, growing up primarily here is like, ‘Why? Cambodia’s awesome.’ She doesn’t think of Cambodia the way my dad carries Cambodia in his heart. He doesn’t wanna see the change, whether it’s a change for the better or a change for the worse in the country that he grew up in, that he had to leave.” According to a study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 62 percent of Cambodian Genocide survivors suffer from PTSD and 51 percent suffer from major depression. These findings are striking on their own, but even more so when compared to the rates of the general American population: 3.6 percent suffer from PTSD and 9.5 percent suffer from depression.
It is not surprising, though. The same study found that “99 percent of these Cambodian refugees nearly starved to death, 96 percent endured forced labor, 90 percent had a family member or friend murdered, and 54 percent were tortured.” “Only a year into the Communist [regime], my mother got sick because of malaria… because we lived in the jungle and [did not have] water… My father followed her only a couple of months [later],” said Kheang. “He got poisoned from eating unclean beef… We were starving, so we ate anything… I became an orphan. My whole family lost our parents in 1976. I was 15 years old at that time, when I lost both parents.” In many cases, the effects of living through a genocide are passed down to second-generation Cambodian Americans as well, in the form of intergenerational trauma. Survivors with PTSD are more likely to have children who suffer from it. This trauma, not genetic but acquired through close proximity with those who have PTSD, manifests itself in different ways, developing into anxiety or depression in some youth. The Long Beach based teenage advocacy group, Khmer Girls in Action (KGA), conducted a study by the name of “Step into Long Beach: Exposing how
“Sometimes I cry at night, thinking of my sister at home and my younger brother.”
9
Cambodian American youth are underresourced, over-policed and fighting back for their wellness,” in which they found that high rates of depression exist among the city’s Cambodian youth. In a survey of 500 Khmer youth in the city, almost half reported experiencing symptoms of depression. Some youth fall into the same damaging behavior patterns their parents exhibit simply by unintentional mimicry. Others become caretakers for their parents due to factors such as language barriers, unable to experience the childhood their peers are enjoying. Other factors negatively affecting Cambodian youth have been low levels of educational achievement and high levels gang involvement. According to Sucheng Chan, author of “Survivors: Cambodian Refugees in the United States,” the highest amounts of gang activity in the community were reported in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Despite what the Cambodian community has been through, a transformation is underway, with flourishing businesses and community organizations dedicated to preserving Cambodian culture. “I know it [took] 10 years to get a
designated Cambodia Town in the city, but folks worked really hard and got it,” said Yamada. “And now there’s the parade and the New Year’s celebration.” Yamada said communication is a key part of the healing process between youth and elders. Organizations like CSS and KGA aim to bridge this generational gap. Steve Meng believes this collaboration will keep the culture alive, but more importantly, highlight narratives that are forgotten and ignored. “I feel [the stories need] to be heard,” said Meng.“I’m never shy about telling my story. I feel my story is really unique. Everybody has a story to tell.” Dr. Terri Yamada couldn’t agree more. “Most children in this community have no idea what their mom and dad went through,” concluded Dr. Teri Yamada. “When their mom and dad finally tell them, it’s like, ‘Oh my gosh, now I understand.’ It’s a very common thing. ‘I wish we could’ve talked about this before.’ ‘I wish you would’ve told me before.’ Before, it’s anger. It’s, ‘Why won’t you talk to me?’ But once that communication can happen, then there’s a growing understanding.”
FEATURE
“I feel [the stories need] to be heard. I’m never shy about telling my story.”
10 MUSIC
When We Were Young Fest: Skip the Headliners Going for the supporting artists at one of the OC Observatory’s biggest throwback festivals yet Words and photos by Nancy Soriano Contributor
Richard Dotson playing bass and providing vocals for The Frights.
Guitarist Mikey Carnevale of The Frights providing vocals during his band’s performance
Lead guitarist Toby Leaman of Dr. Dog singing and playing during their set.
Dr. Dog drummer Eric Slick looking at the crowd during the performance.
Bass player Sage Chavis of The Regrettes performing during their early set.
Genessa Gariano providing backup vocals and playing her guitar with The Regrettes.
The Observatory in Santa Ana hosted the When We Were Young Festival that had a mix of bands across the ages on April 8th and 9th. If there’s anything that can be said about the festival, it is that the demographics of day one and day two looked very different – generationally different. Whereas day one drew out old punks from the ‘70s and ‘80s, day two brought out the kids frequenting the scene today. In terms of band tees, day one had a lot of Morrissey and AFI and day two had a lot of FIDLAR and The Frights. Morrissey was before my time. I grew up on ‘90s/2000s R&B and hip-hop so you may be asking yourself, “Nancy, why the hell did you go to When We Were Young, headlined by Morrissey, AFI and The Descendents if you don’t have an appreciation for classic rock?” Listen, if you wanna read about their sick sets, the OC Register has a pretty good review, but the reason I shelled out the cash, ignoring my intense dislike for music festivals, was because the supporting bands made my local heart swell. For me, the festival was all about catching The Regrettes, The Buttertones, Tijuana Panthers (TJP), Dr. Dog and The Frights. Admittedly, I’ve seen most of these bands a handful of times, TJP and The Frights being the exception, but as far as local heroes go, these are mine. Day one I saw The Regrettes play an early set on one of the three stages that The Observatory had set up for the performances. (Though I did not attend Beach Goth, I heard that this setup was better.) Quipping that she usually is “not awake at this time,” lead singer Lydia Night walked onto the stage and ripped into the set. Highlights include her coming off of the stage and standing on the barriers to sing to the crowd, pausing to take selfies on a fan’s phone, and the dedication of “Seashore” to our current president. The rest of day one was full of older punk bands and, of course, Morrissey. Moving on to day two, Dr. Dog and The Frights were definitely my favorite sets from the whole festival. Dr. Dog was the only band that I actually caught on the “Heroes” stage, which was the one that all the headliners played on. Dr. Dog is one of those bands that is semi-confusing to watch live because there’s
no formal lead singer and they all switch instruments a couple of times during the set. That being said, their set energized the sunbeat crowd and had fans harmonizing to their performance of “Broken Heart.” They also performed two new songs live, which the lead singer remarked on being the first time that they had tried them live as evidenced by the lyrics written on his hand. Closing off with their cover of Architecture in Helsinki’s “Heart It Races,” Dr. Dog reminded the crowd that they can rock just as hard as the rest of the bands that graced that stage.
“...the reason I shelled out the cash... was because the supporting bands made my local heart swell.” The Frights, on the other hand, played some crowd favorites like “Cold,” “Tongues” and the title track to their new album “You Are Going to Hate This.” Opening up their set with the guitar riff to “Stairway to Heaven,” Mikey Carnevale, the lead singer, said nothing to the crowd as he transitioned into their set. The mosh pit took about ten seconds into that first song to form and it stayed strong even through their cover of “I’m Gonna Be” by The Proclaimers. Richard Dotson, the bassist, kept up the crowd participation up by asking, “How are we doing, Coachella?” and the crowd became more like a choir than an audience, singing along to all of their music. Even the focus and coverage of the festival has been on the headliners, which is understandable considering Morrissey actually played, the heart of the festival definitely belonged to the smaller bands with strong local followings. To quote Richard Araiza, the lead singer of The Buttertones: “We’re gonna remember this When We Were Young.”
Kendrick Lamar Vs. Himself It’s finally here. After weeks of anticipation, Kendrick Lamar’s latest album has arrived. It’s only been out for a few days, but I can confidently say this: it’s fucking good. Kendrick has managed to do the impossible and put out yet another piece of work that feels fresh and new without sacrificing his artistic integrity. Kendrick is one of, if not the best in the rap game right now. It’s unfair to compare “DAMN.” to other albums. So, why not compare it with his own work? After all, at this point, he is his own competition. Below is the list of Kendrick’s work ranked from best to least best. Feel free to disagree. Photo Credit: The Guardian
much thought and effort went into crafting what can and should be called a masterpiece. “TPAB” exposes Kendrick’s anxieties as a black man from a lower class neighborhood. It’s a piece of work that touches on topics that are specific to Kendrick and yet resonated with fans and social activists. “Alright” even became the anthem for the Black Lives Matter movement for a period of time. And it did this all within the frame of a conversation Kendrick had with the late Tupac Shakur all throughout. Admittedly, “TPAB” is not the easiest to listen to and it’s certainly not the album I would go to when I want to relax. That doesn’t take away its importance and what it did for the community.
MUSIC
A definitive ranking of Kendrick’s albums
11
By Alejandro Ramos Editor-in-Chief
instrumentation.” Before this, there was this idea that rappers were either socially conscious or mainstream. Kendrick broke the mold with “Section.80,” which talks about the issues that his generation faces. He mentions Ronald Reagan and the effects the former president’s political moves had (i.e. introducing crack cocaine in the hood) on he and his peers growing up. It was an ambitious project and I doubt it would have been successful if it had been his major label debut. All the same, it is the album that put Kendrick on the map.
Photo Credit: Genius
Photo Credit: HipHop DX
“To Pimp A Butterfly” It might not be the easiest to listen to, but “To Pimp A Butterfly” is definitely Kendrick’s best work. “TPAB” caught a lot of people by surprise, including myself. It wasn’t what we had come to expect from his previous work. In fact, it was a little hard to get through the first couple of listens. After a while, though, it became clear how
The Love Yo’Self Playlist Songs to give you the boost that everyone needs in life By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor
last moments of his life. He goes back and forth while questioning his own morality. Ultimately, it’s an album that is only possible because of where Kendrick is in his career. He could have played it safe, but instead he chooses to push the limit even further. Photo Credit: Genius
“Section.80” Kendrick’s second best work happens to be an album he put out six years ago, “Section.80.” “Section.80” is Kendrick’s debut album and he uses it to make a statement about who he is and what he is about. In “Ab-Souls Outro,” Kendrick raps, “I’m not the next pop star, I’m not the next socially aware rapper / I am a human mothafuckin’ being, over dope ass
It’s more common than not to have moments of self-doubt. We go through waves of emotions that revolve around us not believing in ourselves, not seeing ourselves as enough, not seeing ourselves as attractive -- not loving ourselves. I know that I recycle these feelings more than I want my friends, and me, to admit. But, I also have a playlist of songs that give me a little more confidence, a little more sass and a lot more self-love when I need it. I hope this little collection of songs gives you just as big of a boost when you need it too. Remember, love yourself. “Supermodel” - RuPaul This song is all about making your bedroom your runway because you are a supermodel. As Mama Ru says, “You betta work.” “Video” - India.Arie It’s still amazes me how underrated this song is because it is the essence of self-love. With lyrics like, “...I learned to love myself unconditionally/ Because I am Queen,” how could you not believe your own beauty? “Feelin’ Myself” - will.i.am (Feat. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa and French Montana) This may be a bit controversial considering we got Miley talking about twerking, but I just can’t resist it when they say, “Look up in the mirror/ The mirror look at me/ The mirror be like baby you the shit/ God dammit you the shit.” Remember, you’re the shit.
“DAMN.” It’s too early to say where it’ll end up in the long run, but I feel confident placing “DAMN.” in third place. “DAMN.” feels like a return to form. It’s harder, stronger and darker than his previous albums, and that concerns me. While his delivery is aggressive, Kendrick’s lyrics convey a feeling of hurt and despair in a way he hasn’t done before. The first track seems to allude to his death while the rest of the album seems to play out like the
“Q.U.E.E.N” - Janelle Monae ft. Erykah Badu Whenever I think of someone saying, “Dance like nobody’s watching,” I automatically think of getting down to this song. Maybe it’s rhythm, maybe it’s the beat, or maybe it’s because this song makes me wanna be Queen. “Conqueror” - Estelle This song may be a bit of wind-down, but it’s one of my favorite songs to belt out. It makes me feel so powerful. I personally enjoy the duet version with “Empire’s” Jussie Smollet, there’s something about their voices together that really make me feel like a conqueror. “Beautiful” - Christina Aguilera There aren’t any words needed, because you can’t have a self-love playlist without this song. “I” - Kendrick Lamar I’m a sucker for throwback beats, and laying a track like this over The Isley Brothers’ “That Lady,” is just everything to me. Let’s not forget the significance of a man, especially a man of color, saying something like, “I love myself.” “Confident” - Demi Lovato I feel like y’all be sleeping on Demi, but girl got some pipes and she’s one of the more bodypositive celebrities who I’ve seen that are vocal about loving yourself. Listen to this jam and tell me you don’t instantly feel like a bad one.
“Good Kid, M.A.A.D City” I’m going to take some heat for this, but hear me out. “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City” is, without a doubt, one of the best albums of this decade. It completely went against the grain when it came out. It talks about life in a rough neighborhood in a way that didn’t necessarily glorify or demonize it. Instead, it presents life very matter of factly. “GKMC” was a great way for Kendrick to introduce himself to the masses. However, he does tone himself down a bit in this album. It’s subtle, but it is enough to make sure that his album would be received well by the larger audience.
“Feelin’ Myself” - Nicki Minaj ft. Beyonce Speaking of being a bad one, I can’t not have these two on my playlist. Feel yourself and love yourself boo. Side note: It took everything in my body to limit this playlist to one ‘Yonce song, so be thankful. “Superwoman” - Alicia Keys This is for all my people out there who literally do it all, get tired and sometimes feel like they can’t make it. Y’all can and y’all do. This is especially for my mom, you are Superwoman. “Masterpiece” - Jessie J “I’m perfectly incomplete/ I’m still working on my masterpiece.” This song is such a reminder that we’re not perfect and that’s absolutely beautiful. We’re still our own masterpieces. “Born This Way” - Lady Gaga I have to end with this song because truly this song encompasses the purpose of this playlist. You were born this way, so love it and embrace it.
12 ATHLETICS
Sand Science is Served Nieto and Barber find success in beach volleyball with team chemistry By Francisco Valladares Staff Writer
Possessing the highest amount of athleticism doesn’t automatically translate to direct success. Underdogs may not have the best resources but they often have the most passion and a strong amount of camaraderie in chemistry. When there is synergy amongst a group, or a duo, great things can happen. In the wake of a historic season, seniors beach volleyball players Rachel Nieto and Nele Barber have managed to find that chemistry with each other….and the wins too. Nieto and Barber are the top rated beach volleyball duo for the fifth ranked Long Beach State sand squad and are breaking records left and right. They have won a school record 22 wins (in counting) and hold the record for most wins by a duo in top flight with 28 victories. Nonetheless, when one considers their respective paths to Long Beach State, Nieto and Barber would be an unlikely duo outside of volleyball. Nieto, a California native from Walnut Creek, couldn’t have imagined she would be dominating beach volleyball alongside Barber, a German national from Berlin. “There’s a little language barrier, but she usually figures out what I mean,” said Barber, giggling after practice. The tall blonde’s hair glistens in the sunlight, matching the glow of the sand. Barber’s recent success and future is finally meeting up with her bright personality, a testament to her hard work in transitioning to a foreign surface, literally and figuratively. Barber was a standout on the indoor volleyball team before transitioning to beach. “[Nieto] definitely talks to me a lot, which is good because I’m still a newbie [at beach volleyball],” said Barber. “There’s really nothing not to like about Nele,” said Nieto in a sarcastic, yet loving manner. “Seriously, she makes me laugh, she’s a great player and a great person.” Nieto is the “yin” to Barber’s “Yang”, the seasoned veteran of the pair familiar with the sand game. The redshirt junior brings a different skill set than Barber after and a heightened confidence developed from playing three years with the LBSU program. She caught her stride in 2015 when she posted a 17-9 record playing alongside Sammee Thomas in the upper division flights. Surprisingly, constant communication has
allowed this duo to perform the way they’ve had this season, even with their cultural differences and relative individual weaknesses. “It’s still a work in progress,” added Nieto. “We’re still working on it, I don’t think it could ever be perfected but we are trying our hardest to be great. We played together last year, so I think our communication has constantly grown and we’re starting to understand each other better. We know what to expect and now we are cohesive.” Even in practice, the Nieto and Barber exchanged verbal jabs and gave their full effort in order to win despite it being a simple scrimmage. It’s a testament to their competitiveness, as they congratulated each other for every good play they made in practice, point or no point. Impairments in communication arise, a common occurrence in a more intimate style of play, but these challenges only make the pair work harder for each other. Although communication amongst them can’t always be perfect, their recent play has been very close to it. The two earned All-Big West first team honors together last year, and are well on their way again as they were recently named Big West Pair of the Week. “[Earning All Big-West first team] was cool,” said Nieto. “Having that in our arsenal coming into this season was great.” For a relatively new player like Barber, it was definitely a helpful tool to establish selfefficacy. “The award gave us an abundance of confidence going into this season,” said Barber. “It helped our chemistry improve since we believed that we could be successful.” They’re currently posting an impressive 22-6 record together against established duos from topranked teams from UCLA, Hawaii and Stetson. As they continue to play at such a high-level, the duo acknowledge that they’re much stronger this year, even if the expectations coming into the year were much higher. “Because we’re doing better, we expect more from each other and the other pairs as well,” said Nieto. “It’s all getting us really excited for the NCAA Beach Volleyball Championships.” Once the duo continue to establish their familiarity with each other and the sand, they will be a formidable team. Nieto and Barber are well on their way to being one of the most feared duos in the nation and maybe even unlikely champions.
“Surprisingly, the strength of the duo is their constant communication despite their cultural differences and individual weaknesses.”
Nieto (right) and Barber (left) developed a strong relationship quickly (racthelnieto from Instagram). The duo (bottom) congratulate each other after their sweeps on Opening Day (Long Beach State Athletics).
NEWS
Proposed EPA Cuts Will Have Wide Effects
13
Removal of crucial funds could cause job loss irreparable environmental damage By Soun Oeng Staff Writer
One of the first measures taken by the Trump administration in early March was to cut funding for the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) by 31 percent. The agency experienced a loss of over $2 billion. The EPA took the hardest hit in the president’s efforts to stop state dependency on environmental sustainability. Scott Pruitt, former Oklahoma attorney general and new head of the agency, did not hesitate to follow through with the president’s campaign promise to eliminate former President Barack Obama’s Clean Power Plan, which worked to enforce climatechange policies. These proposed cuts will additionally take away 3,200 jobs within the agency. How does this affect us and the world? Unfortunately, it seems that it will affect
us in more aspects than one, including in our domestic lifestyle. The slash in U.S. environmental programs has already started to impact citizens, preventing investments in finding civil solutions; in this case, in the monitoring of clean tap water. The citizens of Flint, Michigan have been experiencing such a crisis for the past three years, with findings of unsafe levels of lead in its tap water and contaminating neighboring cities. In March, allegations of the the EPA mismanaging the city water supply led to multiple lawsuits by Flint citizens. Thankfully, legislation passed by the Obama adminstration last year gave the city $100 million for infrastructure repairs, like fixing the old lead pipes.
Bette Willis/ARC Centre of Excellence for Coral Reef Studies Reduced EPA funding would allow further environmental decay, as seen in the dying coral reefs.
According to an internal agency memo by the Washington Post, however, the EPA under the Trump administration continues to look into decreasing research funds on the monitoring of public water systems and “safe and sustainable water resources.” In addition, the cuts have affected criminal and civil enforcement. There will be a lack of policing environmental offenders and the penalties imposed on them, with the EPA’s introducing a deduction of almost 60 percent. It will also result in the loss of 200 jobs. Moreover, the defunding bleeds into geographic programs that consist of regional clean up objectives in local bays and United State lakes, such as Chesapeake Bay, Gulf of Mexico, Lake Champlain, Long Island Sound, Puget Sound, San Francisco Bay, South Florida and the Great Lakes. By stripping federal funding for these programs, which accumulate in more than $400 million combined, the EPA will put a stop to U.S. efforts to restore wetland habitats, clean up pollution, fend off any invasive species and remove or prevent runoffs into cities. The New York Times suggests in an article that under such cuts the “communities could sue the EPA for failing to act, ultimately running up the agency’s legal bills and slowing remediation as cases wind their way through the courts.” Another program that is impacted by the cuts is Superfund, a program that identifies and monitors polluters and forces them to pay for the cleanup. Michigan State Police Emergency Management/Flickr With the proposed cuts, it reduces “Enter Free Water” is written on a sign in front of this building, alerting Flint citizens to a enforcement and its rectifications by 45 percent. water response team that will provide them with clean drinking water. However, one of the most
detrimental casualties in this list of proposed cuts is the cut in endocrine disruptors research, a class of chemicals that potentially will affect health conditions in women and baby boys. Endocrine disruptors are chemicals found in pesticides, plastics, shampoos, cash register receipts, food can linings and other cosmetic products. It has been linked to breast cancer in women and hypospadias, a rare congenital condition seen in male infants. Discontinuing the program will eliminate $6 million in research and “curtail the agency’s ability to review medical data and work with environmental lawyers to fashion an agency response” to a possible growing epidemic, the New Offical EPA website York Times argues. Most importantly, EPAPresidentScottPruitt. the major component affected from EPA’s disposal of climate change initiatives is the obvious — Earth and its people. With the unstable temperatures and the disinterest in exploring and preserving Earth’s environment, it is leading us into an age of immense tribulations. Coral reef ecosystems are experiencing a bleaching that is damaging marine habitats and organism,s placing its survivability on a thread. This is crucial because it will jeopardizes the water we drink and the planet we live on. It is evident that the cuts will have deep consequences. Although the Trump administration questions the science behind climate change, they cannot ignore its impact on our lives — from our jobs to our deteriorating homeland.
14 ENTERTAINMENT
Breaking new ground Netflix’s “13 Reasons Why” depicting teens in a new way
By Madison Morris Contributor
Why” delivers sensitive content in a fresh and honest way. The binge-worthy series follows Television programs directed towards teenager Clay Jensen (Dylan Minnette) as young adult audiences have a history of he uncovers, through a series of tapes she filtering material that may come across as left behind, the reasons why his friend, controversial to their viewers. However, Hannah Baker (Katherine Langford), the new Netflix Original “13 Reasons committed suicide. Clay is next in line to listen to the tapes Hannah recorded, succeeding 12 of his peers. Hannah dedicated a side of each tape to thirteen people, explaining why they contributed to her decision to end her life. As Clay listens to the tapes, it feels as if Hannah is still there with him. The mystery that deepens with each episode is how Clay and his peers are involved in Hannah’s death. As he remembers Hannah, Clay embarks on a journey, facing sadness, confusion and heartwarming memories and uncovers the truth behind her suicide. The teen drama is Courtesy of Netflix based on Jay Asher’s
2007 young adult novel “Thirteen Reasons Why.” Asher was involved with the Netflix project, receiving writing credit, but the hype was drawn to Selena Gomez coming on as an Executive Producer of the series. Although Gomez’s experience in the industry lies heavily on Disney Channel, “13 Reasons Why” is far from “Disney appropriate.” The show is beyond powerful, truthfully portraying the effects of bullying, sexual assault, teen suicide and the pressures that arise from being a teenager in high school. Viewers have argued the show is too drawn out, tackling one side of each tape per episode. I understand this perspective, yet it is necessary that the show takes its time presenting the magnitude of how others influenced Hannah’s decision. Netflix gives the show a platform in
Courtesy of Netflix which they reveal painful scenes that are reflective of what happens to young people in real life. The creators and actors of the show portrayed these powerful scenes vividly, in respect to people who have gone through similar experiences. “13 Reasons Why” breaks new ground, spreading a message that the little things you say and do to another person that can greatly affect them. This is a must watch for everyone, not just teens. We all can improve on communicating kindness.
The representation we deserve How HBO’s “Insecure” is securing itself in my heart By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor The topic of representation is both overdiscussed and underserved. It’s a neverending battle, yet it’s such a necessity, because we need to see people like us on television. Furthermore, we need people who look like us to experience similar issues that we do, so that we can connect and feel like we’re actually seen as people. This is the case with HBO’s last-year breakout series, “Insecure,” co-created by (and starring) Issa Rae, who began acting on her own YouTube series “Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl.” As a show focused on black women and their experiences in relationships, jobs and life itself, “Insecure” serves a community that has been long neglected. The focus on contemporary issues within the black community is what draws me in
so immensely. These issues are handled more delicately than I’ve seen in any other black-centric show. It covers topics like infidelity, sexuality, microaggressions and competition in the workplace. It’s easy to confuse it with a Los Angeles based “Girls” or as a little “Sex in the City”-esque, but “Insecure” separates itself from these entities by presenting its story a nonsensationalized way. Yes, it’s based in Los Angeles county, but its locations are in places that we’ve never explored, unless it’s in stereotypical way. It refuses to perpetuate stereotypes of marginalized areas the same way it refuses to highlight big places of interest that we constantly
Courtesy of HBO consume in media daily. Another reason why this show connects with its audience is because it is largely centered around two black women, Issa and
her best friend Molly (Yvonne Orji), and their experiences, which aren’t downplayed by stereotypes that plague black women. Both Issa and Molly are UCLA graduates who work on two different career paths, Issa being a coordinator in the non-profit sector and Molly being a corporate account lawyer. This positions two black women, who are usually represented as uneducated, unsuccessful and many other negative connotations, as successful women who are neither rich nor poor, and still give them flaws, something you don’t normally see in mainstream media. There isn’t a sense of are truly relatable to the audience. Black people are simply existing in a space where they are identifying and owning their blackness, something that we in the black community don’t often have the opportunity to witness, let alone experience. “Insecure” is that space.
A short rant on why exclusives suck
By Peter R. Clark Entertainment Editor It is amazing that the gaming industry has made it this far into its life and it still insists on making exclusives common place. Exclusives only hinder the evolution of gaming, and the age of exclusives needs to die. Companies like Naughty Dog and 343 are stuck under a rock. They hide behinds their publishers and only release games for whichever console their publisher owns. Sony is the most egregious of these companies. With the recent release of Horizon: Zero Dawn and the future release of The Last of Us 2, it just shows how greedy a company can be. Instead of letting the entire gaming population bask in the glor y that are excellent games, they hide themselves in the safe and secure asylum that is the PS4 . Instead of perhaps making more money through cross-platform sales, they instead prefer to live in a bubble. They believe that if you have a console exclusive, people will want to buy that console. Wrong.
John Mueller/Graphics Illustrator There is no reason to buy a PS4 for one game. It doesn’t matter if that game is great. It doesn’t matter if that game is worth the price of the console. It
doesn’t matter if the game is revolution. What matters is that a greedy company decides that they just want a company to themselves.
ENTERTAINMENT
Consoles hinder gaming’s evolution
15
Some may argue that exclusives are good. It keeps a console alive. It allows for competition. They are all wrong. All it does it provide a monopoly on a product. It sounds criminal, but companies have been getting away with it for years. Sure, you could say that the PC has thousands of exclusives that the consoles will never get their hands on. Well that is a different case. You see, if consoles never existed and PCs were the only way for gamers to play games, then this issue would have never existed. PCs are the dominant platform. They have more power and more advanced capabilities. At every juncture, a console is left in the dust. And yet these companies still want to create exclusives for their outdated wannabe PCs. Therefore, in today’s market of gaming, exclusives only act to hinder progress. They only enforce the trend of bad business in gaming, and seek to punish gamers. A game is art. And art should be appreciated by all.
FOOD | G9
POLITICS | G8
How to make your own cheese
Trump plays more golf than anyone
THE GRUNION BI-WEEKLY Monday, April 17th, 2017
STAFFERS Mercedes Colomar Grunion Editor Cervantes LeMans Staff Infection Olivia Ofrenda Design Executor
WEATHER TODAY
Cloudy?
NaNº/ NaNº
TOMORROW
Thought Bubble
42 / Nine
LOCAL Area Man and Local Man in dispute over who is more relevant On a brisk Thursday night, Area Man and Local Man held a townhall meeting debating the facets of their relevance. Judge declared that neither are more relevant. Local Man... G2
UNDERWORLD
‘You can’t drop a bomb on the Underworld, dumbass’ Trump threatened to drop a bomb on the Underworld, not fully undestand how this place works. Firstly, the underworld is underneath you, idiot. Secondly, we’re all fucking dead. His...G3
SPORTS Underworld Denizens have lost all matches in the season so far Apparently dead people are awful for sports. Everytime they try and do anything physical they fall apart. The other teams just score while the Denizens are a pile of bones. G5
The Grunion is a work of satire. It in no way reflects the views of Long Beach Union Weekly or Associated Students Inc.
DEATH LATCHES ON TO US THE MOMENT WE BEGIN TO LIVE
Volume 80 Issue 12
Former presidents weigh in on Trump By Olivia Ofrenda
DESIGN EXECUTOR United States overworld presidick Donald J. Trump launched some bombs last week. Normally we try not to concern ourselves with overworld affairs, but unfortunately, the reverberations of these bombs were strong enough to rock the underworld and raise some former presi-dicks. It’s a mess down here. They’re upset that they ended up in the underworld despite their histories of drunkenness, sexual depravity, misogyny and racism - and are now trying to lead a new War for Independence. Spearheading the Revolution is
Thomas “Daddy Liberty” Jefferson. He recently submitted a manifesto to us. He called it a “declaration.” I called it “a really thick piece of paperwork that makes a great paperweight to throw at him when he walks into my office again.” I like the way he ducks when I throw it. And it always ensures that he brings it back to me. Alexander “Not the Musical” Hamilton is lamenting that a man who doesn’t like his musical is in office. He’s taken it into his head that we can contact Lin-Manuel Miranda. We’ve told him we can’t. I’ve told Daddy Liberty multiple times not to bring his friends around to the newsroom. Benjamin “The Penguin” Franklin
Man, it’s not a gender thing, man By Man Manatee
MANATEE MAN People are so fucking up tight, man. I just like saying the word man, man. It doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a man, man. I mean man or woMAN, man. I just say man because I like the word, man. Is that so hard to comprehend, man? It’s just a word, man. Nothing more nothing less, man. I bring this up because last week I had this confrontation with a woman, and let me tell you, man. She was pissed that I kept calling her man, man. Something about how she
wasn’t man, man. And that calling her a man, was assuming her gender or some shit, man. Can you believe that shit, man? Listen lady, you look like a woman, but that’s not the issue here, man. The issue is that I just like to call everyone man, man. I later found that this person is not a woman at all, man. Apparently they were a post-op trans mermaid who sexually identifies as a gigantic wasp, man. Man, can you believe that shit, man? That doesn’t even sound fucking real, man. That person later berated me with verbal slander about how all men are the same, man. I
Submissions: grunion@lbunion.com
doesn’t care. He actually doesn’t care. We have a statement from him, written on the label of a beer bottle that says “I don’t care. Being dead has caused me less trouble. A lot of ladies dig dead historical guys and I am drowning in the “pink” like it’s river Styx. Do not attempt to contact me.” A similar note of sentiment was left carved on a cherry tree by original presi-dick George Washington. We can’t find him. Someone stop Trump, these dead presi-dicks are trying to interfere with my news writing and no matter how many times I say that overworld politics don’t affect us, it seems that they actually do.
quickly pointed out to here that I am in fact a manatee, and the person didn’t know how to react, man. Man, the gall of some people, man. Well anyway, man. I’m just here to say that I love th word man, and I use it on any one, man. Stop misunderstaning me, man. Would you prefer I say dude or Chad or someth other douchey thing, man? No. Man is fucking universal, man. It’s the perfect word for every situation, man. Anyway that’s it for me, man. I’m going to keep saying man forever, man.
Firing missiles is not war, apparently By Cervantes LeMans
STAFF INFECTION
“Just because we spend a couple of 1 million dollars of freedom rockets, Tomahawks, to Syria, it does not mean we are at war. It’s called military action, not declaration of war. War has to be declared by Congress. The Vietnam War wasn’t even a war or the Korean War. The last war was World War 2. Ain’t that some s-” says Dr. Yao Nullnuffin, PhD in political science and long time diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder. If the United States wants to send a couple of missiles over to another country, destroy some property or kill some
people abroad and call it nonwar, that is perfectly fine. I guess school shootings could be called Aggressive Protests. I guess terrorist attacks by nonAmericans or Americans could be called Emotional Expressive Therapy. I guess oppression could be called Social No-TagBacksies. I guess murders and killings could be called Nature’s Population Controllers. I don’t mind United States not declaring war and throwing a couple of rocks at a neighbor’s windows. I respect that right. In return, I wish to be respected when I don’t pay my loans. I’m not avoiding my payments, I simply giving myself an “Extended Deadline.” I’m sure they signed
a contract to Syria’s government stating that, “Hey, I’m about to send some Tomahawks at you guys. You don’t have to pay us back in the future. It’s cool. If you do, we won’t declare war”. I also want other people to know that of if I had sex with your wife or your girlfriend. It’s not a declaration of adultery. It’s has to be declared by the state court. I’m calling it “Loving Action.” It was a strategic act of love, not an act of adultery. Two different things like military action and declaration of war. I hope to clear up past confusions with my lovers’ angry husbands and former ex-boyfriends. Also, killing your wife’s side-lover is form of murder and illegal, just saying.
ASK MS. COLOMAR DEAR MS. COLOMAR, I’ve recently started exploring my body, and found that I really like to masturbate. Up until now, I’ve only used my fingers and I’ve gotten tired of them. Do you have any suggestions for what type of toy I could use instead of these boring fingers?
FROM, Esther, the Toyseeker
DEAR CRIMSON ARMADA, Good morrow, oh seeker of toys. You are about to embark upon a wondrous journey down a path that many have walked before and that many will encounter after you are gone. Long ago, probably somewhere in Silicon Valley, the ultimate toy was created. One toy to rule them all. One toy said to cause indescribable, maddening pleasure to anyone who gets a hold of it. It’s mine. I went through literal hell and back to get it. And I’m not looking to share. DEAR MS. COLOMAR, I am bisexual, and my boyfriend is Russian. We decided that we would like try out a threesome with another woman. The problem is, I don’t know how to go about proposition someone to have a threesome. What tips can you give to someone who wants to have it all… in bed? FROM, Mallory, the Womanseeker DEAR KINKY KAREN, Honestly I think that this is the simplest advice I’ve received in my short time of writing undead advice for the presumably living. In my infinite time, I’ve come to realize – humans are fucked up. You guys are into some weird stuff. And I’m into necrophilia. Your boyfriend is Russian. Girls dig accents and Russians have that Vladmir-Putin-hey-I’m-shirtless-ona-bear kind of ruggedness that girls dig even more. He’s also Russian and cool with you being bisexual, so he’s everything. Also, you’re bisexual. This is the easiest advice ever. Go on Tinder. That’s it. The amount of people that will slide into your DMs asking for a threesome will outnumber the mile radius of a coastal oil spill. It’ll be about as wet and messy as one, too.