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t isn’t easy being the greatest human being on the face of the earth.

Really. So much is expected of you, and while it may be exceedingly easy to live up to and surpass expectation, sometimes you just need a break. The frustration is sometimes indescribable; people you’ve come to know will count on you to solve their every problem—and why? Because you’re the greatest human being on the face of the planet; c’mon, that’s your job. How selfish I would be to shun their need, right?

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In their infinite ignorance, they’ll

say things like, “Shit, man, if I was the greatest human being on the face of the planet, forget it! I’d solve world hunger, smite Hewlett Packard, read encyclopedias and still have time to watch my favorite syndicated sitcoms.”

But that’s not what being the greatest human being on the face of the planet is all about. It’s about realizing your greatness, and then looking down on others for their ineptitude.

It’s not a question of being smug, arrogant or egotistical. On the contrary, compared with the reality of my flawlessness, I’ve really downplayed my worth. I’m none of those things; I’m just honest. I don’t want to sound like I’m bitching, because I’m not. But if you were the greatest person on the face of the earth—which you’re not, because I am—you would understand. But you don’t. You can’t. People see your elite

Fashionable Apathy

ability to excel in absolutely everything, and then feel the need to put you to the test. Well, I’ve had enough. Could somebody please at least try to approach my level of greatness so I can go back to being Pat, instead of Pat the Greatest Human Being on the Face of the Earth?

Let me guess—you’ve read this far and you’re saying to yourself, “But Patrick, why are you the greatest person on the face of the planet?” Well, how about my ability to read your mind, for instance, because didn’t I just do that? The last time I was wrong was in 1988, and that was when I thought I made a mistake.

Beside that, no living human being could surpass me in intelligence, looks, modesty, smarts, appearance, humbleness, or genius. Try and find a competitor. I’ll be waiting on my cloud with a bucket of chicken breasts, inside The Union office, ready to dominate your everything.

America Is #1 (Again)

By Mathew Lavery What the hell is going on with college students? College used to be a place of free thinking, a place of rebellion and learning put together in a beautiful balance of real world education, a place where people cared about what was going on in the world, a place where change took root. Now it seems to be nothing more than an expensive extension of high school. People have been pushed so hard into thinking that everyone should go to college that the number of free thinkers is now a tiny percentage of the whole. Girls and guys walk around in cliques, wearing the latest trends. Trends? Fuck that, they look more like uniforms to me.

Is there some new dress code I didn’t hear about?

Every third girl on campus is wearing those genie pants, a wife beater and super-big glasses. It’s as if they are trying to look unoriginal, buying themselves a spot in society through bad fashion. Most of these girls are pretty, but you would never know it—you can’t even see their faces. What ever happened to the imaginative girls who would buy cheap shirts and make them their own, cutting them up or painting them? If clothing is as much a sign of personality as we have been lead to believe, then I don’t want to get to know most girls these days. I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but really:who are we kidding? It’s pretty typical for these girls to be as complicated at they look, which is to say, not at all.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

And guys are just as bad. It’s gotten to the point where I can predict who’s going to set the bottom of the curve by looking for the guys with the “popped” collars. You would think that if someone was going to spend sixty dollars on a polo shirt, it would at least be individual, a limited print that you’re not going to see everywhere, but that’s obviously not the case. I swear I saw 15 guys wearing the same shirt just on my way from one class to the next. But these guys aren’t the only offenders, let’s not forget the shirts with the “clever” saying on them.

These things are even worse. It’s like they just pulled lines directly from crappy Bmovies and mass-produced them. “I make stuff up!” No you don’t! You can hardly even think for yourself.

I don’t understand why this Brave New World-esque separation came about, but it’s obvious that it goes a lot deeper than just clothing. It seems that our political and mental apathy is translated into every part of our lives. It’s kind of scary to see so little diversity and action in a time like this. We’re in a war that most of us don’t agree with, our nation is in tatters from recent natural disasters, our environment is taking a beating due to our need for instant gratification, and all we are doing is buying more stuff.

I don’t do “recreational” drugs, nor would I ordinarily suggest them to anyone, but it seems that we need something to wake us from this sleep, to open our minds. The hippie-pothead generation brought about some changes in our country that the Ritalin generation just hasn’t learned to take advantage of. Express yourself, form an opinion, change things—don’t just waste your life trying to fit in.

“I believe what my t-shirt tells me to believe.”

Opinions Editor Note: I’m bummed.

This is my second consecutive week of not having my own article on my page. Boo hoo, you say? Well, go eat a flaming frisbee.

I love my page—and I love writing on it.

I started out at this paper by submitting a single tentative article... then I became a regular contributor... then I became editor of the page. In one semester. Any of y’all

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Everyone in America deserves a hand. We should all slap each other on the back. We have a wonderful record against the world, becauseAmerica always wins the World Series. Usually a flawless record is unheard of, but we always beat the rest of the world. Of course this is just a paraphrased joke by George Carlin, but it illustrates my point: I don’t get baseball!

I have never understood baseball. I will never understand baseball, so I never watch it. I could care less about its existence. (I think it robs people of their hard-earned money, but that is my opinion). I complain about baseball because it affects me. This has happened before, and it will happen again: the World Series takes the slot of The Simpsons and Family Guy. See, my Sundays are very regimented; I get up and watch This Week featuring George Stephanopolis, do some homework and maybe some chores, but I am always home at 8pm with dinner made and ready, so I can watch The Simpsons. I know this is nerdy, but The Simpsons and Family Guy are my refuge from what is normally mundane TV. I get pissed when I turn on the TV and see that baseball is in place of my only intellectual stimulation that occurs on TV, except for Jeopardy (which gets the bump too). I don’t know why they (network TV stations) do this. I am sure there are a lot of people like me... okay, that’s a lie. Nobody is like me. When I see baseball, my reaction is to turn off the idiot box; my only faster bodily reaction is my eyes’ moving to Jillian Barberie’s cleavage.

TV is lame. I like my couple of shows, but it is like masturbation: you always feel weird afterwards and feel like it was just a waste of time. But not with Simpsons and Family Guy. With them, I laugh my ass off, even when I am at home by myself. It’s probably the best fun I can get myself.

I mean, baseball is so lame. Don’t try to tell me that I don’t understand sports, either; I played the apex of sports, water polo. So I know what competition is like. Those pansies eating steroids and making way too much money will never entertain me. I don’t get baseball and I don’t care. I hope all you baseball lovers gloat over another world victory that only involves America—how is that for an oxymoron?

People wonder why Americans are so dumb compared to the rest of the world. I wonder if it is because the only shows on TV that allow people to think are bumped because off. I mean, you can’t even laugh without the TV’s telling you to. The background laughter in a show makes me think to myself, “Oh, what a wonderful world.” Yeah right—I think the opposite. I figure, “They think I’m so dumb, I don’t even know what’s funny anymore.

They think I need assistance in humor.” Losers. Click (the sound of me turning on Arrested Development DVDs). Here’s news for you; the television executives think you’re dumb and will watch anything on TV. You are just a target market and are getting brainwashed and getting sold every lame product they can package for profit. I think you’re getting robbed by corporations. I think I just don’t undertand baseball.

“The Tao of heaven is to take from those who have too much and give to those who do not have enough. Man’s way is different. He takes from those who do not have enough to give to those who already have too much.

What man has more that enough and gives it to the world? Only the man of Tao. ”

By Joey Calmer

who aspire to greatness, that story’s for you.

Why? Because we at The Union want you to be great. As Op Ed, I welcome all your thoughts. Love the death penalty? Hate pubic hair? If you can write it, I can run it.

I’ll even omit my article, just for you—and probably get mad about it later and abuse my girlfriend. Maybe even kill myself. And, if I die, the most dedicated writers will have

the best shot at ripping off my job.

If you’re interested, send any amount of article to noah_karp@yahoo.com, and I’ll either accept it or help you with it until it’s fucking sweet. Just don’t look like you’re gunning for Editor, because I ‘d kill you in a quick minute. Just send me an article, okay? Okay. It may be, like it was for me, the best thing you ever do.

Editor-in-Chief Patrick Dooley Managing Editors Dan Steinbacher Brian Dunning Associate Editor Natalie Vratney News Director Amanda Parsons Executive Section Editors Opinions Noah Karp News Andrew J. Loyola Feature Brian Dunning Entertainment Katie Wynne Music Conor Izzett Literature Mike Guardabascio Sports J.J. Fiddler Comics Andrew Wilson Creative Arts Miles Lemaire Random Reviews Brian Dunning Grunion Pineablo Public Relations Music & Entertainment Matt Dupree Literature Mike Guardabascio Photography Editor Alisha Willis Advertising Representative Elijah Bates Graphic Design Brian Dunning Web Design Jeff Gould Mary Koestner Cover By Brian Dunning Cartoonist Miles Lemaire Matt Byrd Distribution Mike Guardabascio Copy Editor Noah Karp Contributors Ray Duran, Kevin Malinowski, Elijah Bates, Victor Camba, Sean Boulger, Jeffrey Spafford, Jesse Gayda, Dominic McDonald, Dayna Randazzo, Rachel Woodford, Joey Calmer, Giuliano De Pieri, Matt Byrd, Miles Lemaire, Jen Perry, Mathew Lavery, Christine Johnson, Ryan ZumMallen, Jessica Deahl, Brady Berthelson Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding by the Associated Students, Inc. All editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union, the A.S.I., or CSULB. All students are welcome to be a part of the Union staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length.

The Union will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 300 words. Letters to the editor will always take precedence over prior in-house content when received. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available at the AS Business office. Any person taking more than 1 copy of the Union must first contact the Union for permission, and is subject to a possible fee.

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By Conor Izzett

“It takes a long time to sound like yourself.” —Miles Davis I think what Miles was trying to say here is that it’s not easy to be original, and most people don’t have the constitution to stick it out and become unique. It takes patience, discipline, and time just to find yourself, and infinitely longer to express it.

There are many areas of study on a college campus and even more concentrations, but what we’re all really doing here is becoming thinkers. At least that’s the idea. Hopefully, people who would not otherwise be apt to do so will leave this campus more contemplative and better able to lead the world. No, we don’t need a population full of head-in-the-cloud, abstract thinkers, but we need people who are at least mindful of the abstract and able to see issues from multiple sides.

There is such a disparity, however, between our true societal leaders—of which there are so few—and those who actually hold office or sit in positions of governmental power. The problem is that true innovators, the forgers-ahead of our race, are not often interested in politics or war.

Albert Einstein was notoriously internationalistic, believing that no nation was incapable of error, and therefore should not be given blind allegiance. In fact, when Einstein was offered the Presidency of Israel in 1952, he declined, saying that he had “no head for problems.” Now the most we can expect from many of our leaders is, “You’re either with us or against us.” Those who are most qualified to lead our nations simply aren’t interested in doing so.

Most of the great thinkers and philosophers in history never held office. Thinking life through can be exhausting and is simply too much for the ubiquitous small-minded people, and so they fall back on the established. Worse, they follow the loudest voice they hear, which is rarely the correct one.

Points of Faith: Passing The Ball

Points of Faith

By Ray Duran

I remember my father sitting down with me sometimes, when I was about four years old, so we could watch TV together. Some times it was AirWolf, sometimes Knight Rider, sometimes Sesame Street. In fact, no matter what I wanted to see, my dad or mom would watch at least a few episodes with me.

I took it at face value, that my parents wanted to hang out with me, but there was a deeper purpose to it as well. Parents are urged to know what programs their kids are watching so they can play their role in the child’s life: parenting.

So you can imagine my irritation when PBS decided back in April to modify Cookie Monster’s “C is for Cookie” song into “Cookies are a sometimes food.”

Dr Rosemarie Truglio, the show’s vice president of research and education, was quoted saying, “We are not putting him on a diet, and we would never take the position of no sugar. We’re teaching him moderation.”

That sounds all fine and good, but isn’t it the parents’ job to teach moderation?

Teaching the specifics is what parents are supposed to do so that developing kids have real people to bounce their inevitable questions off of. Television isn’t interactive yet—and even if it were, it would still be someone else pushing their morals onto families that may or may not believe in them. The time saved by plopping a kid in front of the TV may be beneficial to an adult’s day, but again there is an issue of moderation. I don’t give much weight to the argument that“I don’t have the time” or that “My obligations require all of my focus.” My parents both held full-time jobs and still made the occasions to raise me and to give me the lessons that only live human beings can give. If anything, they taught through their actions, and their taking time out of their days to spend with me became a lesson in moderation in itself.

When we are assigned reading written by great authors or philosophers, yes, we should take from them. When Miles Davis went to New York to play jazz, he learned from the great Charlie Parker; Plato studied and thought under Socrates; and they didn’t stop at absorbing the PBS’ desire to create a better role model is a noble cause. My concern, discoveries however, lies with where the blame is placed. Is it solely the role models on of the past, TV that cause kids to learn bad eating habits, violent actions, and destructive but pushed mentalities? If so, then why was there an almost comparable amount of bad forward and habits before TV? Shouldn’t parents avoid fast food places and choose healthier made new foods for their kids? Parents need to be aware that they can directly help the advances in problem and not pass the ball to someone else. their fields.

Hell, even Mozart learned from somebody, right? The point is that all the greats in every field were once thinkers-in-training, and yes, it took a very long time for them to start sounding like themselves.

So take from the things you are reading, and listen to the people in charge, but listen with strong scrutiny—and then fill in the holes, as surely there will always be. Push past the dim-witted electoral victors, the middle-management bueraucrats, and refuse to recognize invisible barriers. Listen, contemplate, and then move ahead. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a thinker-in-training.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

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AS President Allegedly Violates Bylaws

By Amanda Parsons ssociated Students President Jaime Pollock will go before the Senate Judiciary on Monday, Oct. 24, for a hearing filed over her alleged violation of AS Bylaws.

John Kitahara, former Beach Patrol representative and supporter of Ryan Risher in the previous AS presidential elections, filed the complaint, stating a violation of several subclauses within Chapter 2, Article II of the Bylaws.

The complaint arises from Pollock’s appointment of Robert Godina as chief of staff and her inclusion of that position in the Executive Office, as a replacement for the position previously held by the AS Administrator. Executive Officers once consisted of president, vice president, treasurer, and administrator. Former AS President Mike Johnson first suggested the change in Executive Officers back in February of 2004. Godina’s appointment to the Executive Office consequently abridged the pay and the standing of AS Administrator Sally Bul-

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lquerin. The case claims that because of the chief of staff’s promotion, the administrator has received unfair treatment. All Executive Officers receive the same amount of pay, but those below that level receive less compensation. The AS President appoints both the position of chief of staff and administrator, as well as the AS Attorney General and AS Public Defender.

“Sally [Bullquerin] knew when she was appointed that she wouldn’t be paid as much as previous administrators were,” a senate member who wished to remain anonymous stated. “She was told that there was going to be a change in policy issues, and she agreed to that before the senate confirmed her.”

“If [Pollock] wanted the Chief of Staff to be an Executive Officer,” Kitahara’s complaint states, “which it currently is not, then she should have lobbied the Senate to make a bylaw amendment in her favor. However, she chose not to take that route and must be punished for her lack of upholding our AS policies and Bylaws. “

It is uncertain why Kitahara would file such a claim, because he is not a member of the AS Senate.

“If found guilty, the penalty would be monetary,” a source within the AS Senate stated. “Someone could tell the person in charge of the paychecks to stop delivering them to [Godina], which would affect Jaime [Pollock] because her chief of staff wouldn’t work and her workload could essentially double.”

“I can’t discuss specifics,” stated the AS Attorney General representing Pollock in Monday’s hearing, Kevin Rhodes. “But the case against Ms. Pollock is completely without merit and should be dismissed immediately.”

Both Pollock and Godina failed to comment on the case, claiming they had been advised not to speak. Sally Bullquerin and John Kitahara were unavailable to comment.

The trial will take place Monday Oct. 23 at 12:30p.m. in the Associated Senate Chambers, Room 217 in the University Student Union.

President Maxon, at his farewell celebration last Friday, announced that his three favorite things about CSULB are students, students, students.

Photo By: Elijah Bates

Beer Loses its Grip on Generation, Wine Preferred

By Natalie Vratney From 1998 to 2004 there has been a decline in the percentage of beer sales by 1.5 percent, while the sales for spirits and wine have increased by .05 percent and .09 percent, as reported by Margaret Webb Pressler of The Washington Post.

Beer’s share of alcohol servings slipped from 59.6 percent to 58.1 percent, according to Adams Beverage Group, while spirits and wines inched up to 28.5 percent and 13.4 percent last year.

One might look at these numbers and not consider this drop drastic, but for beer companies and breweries, this downfall is frustrating.

Some of this decrease is attributed to factors such as the baby boomer generation’s moving onto more sophisticated drinks like spirits and wine, and the increase in advertisements of liquor corporations such as Bacardi’s Island Breeze, which promotes a glamorous low-calorie rum beverage.

Eric Johnson, owner of the popular bar The Auld Dubliner, located at The Pike in Long Beach, says he has not noticed a

decline in beer sales. The Auld Dubliner is an Irish pub that specializes in beer but that also sells a variety of spirits.

While Johnson’s business may not be affected by the decline of beer sales, a study done by The Gallup Organization, a national marketing research institute, did a study last July showing that wine now tops the list of most preferred drinks ordered. Prior to this year, the leader was beer.

According to Gallup, the number of people who prefer wine has grown from 33 percent of drinkers in 2004 to 39 percent in 2005, while beer’s percentage has gone from 39 percent to 36 percent.

This new finding is hypothesized by the Washington Post to represent the baby boomer generation’s turning to wine, among other non-beer drinks. A myth that assumed the baby boomer generation could hold to their beer-drinking patterns proved to be false. Instead, most are making the switch to wine not only for the sophisticated taste and health benefits, but because it is less filling and has the same affect.

As for college students, the majority enjoy going to popular bars like The Auld Dubliner and drinking their top-rated drink,Guinness. The increase of students getting mixed drinks is also growing at an increasing rate, reports the Washington Post.

Johnson, who graduated from CSULB in 1998, has noticed an increase in the amount of spirit-based drinks being sold.

Their top selling spirit is vodka.

Layla Johnson, business management major at CSULB, says she prefers spirits to beer.

“I like mixed drinks because they taste better than beer and I can get the same effect from hard liquor than beer much faster,” said Johnson.

Some brewers including Anheuser-Bush, a leading beer brand and the maker of Bud Light, are not worried about the decline right now. Budweiser said that it would try to increase the occasions in which consumers would think to drink beer, and to raise consumption by portraying beer as fun. �

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

Dorm Students Take ‘No Alcohol Policy’ Lightly Rachel Woodford

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are prohibited in and around residence halls.”

The rules even go so far as to hold residents accountable for others’ drinking around them. Violation of the rules can result in university disciplinary action, citation by University Police, or even Municipal Court fines.

Drinking in the dorms is not just a weekend problem. According to Cliff Rose, Resident Advisor of a Parkside building, says it is a constant dilemma he faces every night of the week.

A first-year RA in Residence Commons reports that the amount of citations handed out for drinking violations does not match how often students are caught drinking.

“I hear about RA’s finding students drinking all the time,” a Resident Advisor who wished to remain anonymous stated.

“When I see a student drinking, I immediately make them pour out any alcohol they have and write them up. It’s my job.”

Not all RA’s take such a stance on this issue. A second year RA says he holds the relationships he has with other students at a much higher value then getting them in trouble.

“It doesn’t do me any good to write people up. When I have walked in on students drinking in their rooms, I remind them it is not permitted. Then I turn and walk out the door.”

“Drinking in the dorms is a must in college” says Trisha Bagat, a first year resident in Parkside Commons.

A first-year student and dorm resident says she and her suite mates are drunk in their room regularly, whether staying-in with friends for the night or pre-partying.

“I think people who drink in the dorms are immature, and are wasting their parents money,” says Shanna Tyler. Tyler said this while sitting in a dorm room, sipping on a vodka tonic, contradicting her statement.

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Those in authoritative positions at CSULB believe that the No Alcohol Policy, which establishes substance-free dormitories, is having a major affect on reducing the problem of excessive drinking on college campuses, at least for the students who choose to live on them.

Last Wednesday, two obviously intoxicated students were seen walking through Lot 14 wearing caution-tape as bandanas and carrying open cans of Coors Light beer. Apparently, they were oblivious to the two campus police cars parked 100 feet away from them. They proceeded to walk directly in front of the patrol car, and, as one of the intoxicated students walked directly in front of the police car headlights, he switched his can of beer from one hand to the other in an effort to conceal it from the officer. Rolling down his window, the officer said, “Yeah, that was nice, but not quite slick enough. Why don’t you have a seat over there on the curb.”

In fact, studies across the country show the number of incidents involving student intoxication on college campuses is decreasing. However, dorm residents as well as Resident Advisors don’t believe that statement to be true.

According to the most recent Harvard School of Public Health College Alcohol Study, the study shows that alcohol-free college residence halls are making a major impact in reducing underage drinking.

Statistics from informal student surveys show that four out of five college students living in dorms, drink alcohol, while three out of five have participated in binge drinking (defined as four or more drinks in one sitting). Two in five students report three or more binge episodes in the span of two weeks.

CSULB student housing has a strict no alcohol policy for students living in dorms which states, “possession and consumption of alcoholic beverages

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Steroids in Football?

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The rules are not hard to understand, which makes Ultimate easy to pick up even for those who’ve never played before. A team plays with seven members on the field at one time, attempting to score by catching the “disk” in their designated end zone. “It’s a combination of football, where you are trying to score in the end zone,” says Harris. “It’s like soccer, where you have to run around and pass, and it’s like basketball, where you can’t move when you have the ball—you set up a pivot foot [when you have the Frisbee].”

What do most people think of when they think of Ultimate Frisbee? “They get it confused with things like Frisbee golf, which is very different,” says member Steve Lorentzen. “They don’t realize how much exercise is involved, and how much skill is involved.”

Skill is key, just as with any other sport. When a team has possession of the “disk,” the offense is run from the middle of the field. Using the space on the sidelines, players run receiver-like routes to get open as the “handler,” who cannot move, looks for who is open. Backdoor cuts, like in basketball, are a standard;

as is one-on-one defense, like a defensive back covering a wide receiver. The thing is, the action is non-stop.

A football-like kick off, or “huck,” from one end to the other starts the game and resumes action after a score. Other than that, Ultits E dit or J.J mate is running.

Lots of running.

Last Thursday night, the group allowed me to come out and play some Ultimate.

I will admit, I was nervous. The last time I played any sort of Frisbee game I was trying to get an “A” in P.E. However, my anxiety was relieved as soon as I put my cleats on.

Everyone was extremely friendly, and the game atmosphere is such that a mistake is not met with frustration from teammates, but with encouragement and teaching.

“You can have no experience and every single person out here will teach you how to play,” says member Rikki Stankevitz. “I came out with no experience, and by the end of the game I was playing like everyone else.

This is the nicest group of people you have ever met.”

Like any other sport, amazing athletic feats such as onehanded grabs, diving deflections, jump-ball-like plays and sprints down the sideline are regular occurrences.

“There are some really good competitive athletes who play this game,” says 12-year-player Andy Kennett. “When you see them at a tournament or at a national level, it is inspiring.”

What I found inspiring is that there’s a sport out that does not demand a comprehensive knowledge of the rules, a friend to bring you along, or a preexisting field. You just have to be willing to run. Run a lot. When I got done last Thursday, I was absolutely gassed. But it was a lot of fun—not because it was Frisbee, or because it reminded me of football, basketball, or soccer. It’s just Ultimate, and that works. d id .F

emember that movie PCU, with Jeremy Piven and David Spade? In one scene, the amazingly talented Jake Busey and his hippie friends compete against the “Womynist House” in a rousing game of Ultimate Frisbee. The Womanists beat the hippies handily, even when Busey employs the services of the team dog, Blotter. The scene is entertaining enough, but believe me, nothing like the real sport of Ultimate Frisbee.

Each week, the Long Beach State Ultimate Frisbee Club meets to play Ultimate—as the veterans call it—and it is a real sport that demands endurance and athletic ability.

“All you need is a set of cones, a Frisbee, and a couple of friends,” says club member Will Harris. No referees, no penalty box, no foul line. “In some other sports you see how much you can get away with without getting caught, but with Ultimate it’s the exact opposite. You’re trying to see how well you can play within the rules. It’s like these are the rules that let everyone play… it’s all in the spirit of the game.”

Want to play some Ultimate? Come out to the field next to the track on Thursday night at 6:30 pm for an open run. It’s a bunch of quality people playing a quality game. Check it out.

Stover, Matt. Kicker, Baltimore Ravens—Used when referring to the kitchen appliance.

Synonym—stove, gas range Example—Man one asks man two if he has a lighter. Man two answers, “No, use Matt Stover.”

By Ryan ZumMallen The shriek from twenty-one 3.0-liter, 650-horsepower V-8s pierces your eardrums and tears into your sense of hearing before finally settling and leaving a pulsing ring in your brain.

This is not the place to recover from a hangover.

What it is, though, is the Toyota 400, a 200-lap, 400-mile race that marks the end of the 2005 Indy Racing League season.

Newcomers like Rookie of the Year Danica Patrick and defending champion Tony Kanaan battle it out at speeds of up to 220 mph in minimalist carbon fiber missiles-on-wheels.

For the third year in a row, I’m fortunate enough to attend this marvel of racing with my dad. It’s a great excuse to get away from home, watch some good old-fashioned racing, and make a quick stop at Hooters on the way home.

My dad and I at the Toyota 400 If you’ve never been to an IRL race, never watched one on TV, or never been to the similar Champ Car Long Beach Grand Prix, I highly recommend it. Faster and more awesome (in the true meaning of the word) than NASCAR, Indy racing is a higher level of driving. Wheel-to-wheel touches don’t result in playful bumps. They result in high-speed spinouts and crashes, as Patrick and Jacques Lanier found out when their cars bumped into one another and smashed into the wall near the end of the race. Both drivers left with minor injuries, but mostly bruised egos.

But I’m not here to compare the IRL to NASCAR (they are infinitely different and unrelated, when you really look at it). I’m here to explain the rush I felt as Kanaan caught up to race leader Dario Franchitti on the last turn of the last lap. At 215mph+ they battled for position around the corner and down the stretch, and as the crowd of rose to its feet, I did too.

Here were two of the world’s most talented drivers competing head-to-head, seeming to accelerate faster as the crowd grew louder. Blazing towards the finish line, Kanaan inched closer to Franchitti, but ultimately fell to the leader by 0.1117 seconds, one of the closest margins of victory in IRL history.

As both crossed the finish line within a millisecond of each other, my father and I jumped up and cheered along with other fans whom we had never met. Cheered for the winning driver? Perhaps, but more for the skill they had exhibited, the effort they put into the race, the good show they had put on.

For many, the Toyota 400 is the place to go to remind yourself why you fell in love with racing in the first place.

For the young crowd, it is the place where they will fall in love with racing for the first time. For those like myself, it is the place to celebrate with complete strangers, to marvel at the feats of those who put their lives on the line for a chance at glory, and to spend some rare quality time with Dad. It’s just not the place to go if you have a headache.

I Guess It Comes To Blows This is a response to a sports piece in last Wednesday’s Daily 49er. In that article, author Kim Oswell protested against violence in sports—scuffles, brawls, all-out team battles, and the like—on the bases that such behavior negatively influences society and that players have a responsibility to use their fame for good causes. I originally intended to run this response in the Daily 49er, but I realized that the 49er is already overflowing with top-quality sports coverage—so I’m saying it here in the trusty Union.

Physical conflict is an inevitable result of playing professional sports. Heck, even to begin with, sport is physical conflict. And, when you add to that a daunting load of pressure and adrenaline, a very volatile situation results.

Most athletes play to their utmost, repeatedly straining themselves to a point that few non-athletes ever understand—and when your financial well-being, your bodily health, your reputation, and your team’s respect for you all depend on your play-by-play integrity, you can become extremely amped up. If you personally were intentionally fouled on a real pressure play, your emotions might boil over too. And, as for team fights, that’s just loyalty, baby.

If you can easily sit back and watch a good friend get his ass beat, then you’re not much of a friend—and, in most cases, teammates are damn good friends.

Ms. Oswell contends in her article that fighting is “as vital to a sports game as scoring a goal or hitting a home run.” I believe that this is the first of many places in which she reveals her lack of experience with professional sports.

After all, what percentage of all sports games—excluding hockey—include a fight of any sort? Not all that many, really. Ms. Oswell seems to look right past the large

A Warning Shot from Noah Karp

majority of sporting events, honing in on the few that go awry. And since when are fights as “vital” as points?

When you see true sports fans watching their teams, be they cheese-headed or body-painted or team-tattooed, they’re not rooting for fights. They’re rooting for victory.

So, while violence does occasionally erupt, that’s not what the spectators come for—unless those spectators are even more unbalanced than the “violent” players.

I most strongly disagree with Ms. Oswell’s claim that professional athletes “have a bigger responsibility to their fans than just hitting 50 home runs in a season or having three sacks in a game.” The way I see it, players’ responsibilities to their fans begin and end on the field. If an athlete is an asset to the team, then the matter’s settled. It’s not like the fans elected him to the team—players get paid to play because they’ve earned that right. They’ve proved their mettle through countless years of perseverance and pain and extensive training. So, while they may play in front of spectators, they answer to the team—and all they owe the fans is a worthwhile show of athletic ability.

I don’t condone unnecessary violence, but neither do I condemn it. It’s just that when you’re cheering over a bunch of fine-tuned race cars running in the red for hours at a time, you’ve got to be ready for the occasional spinout. If you really can’t handle a fight or two, then just deal with it the same way you would with the excessive violence in movies, in cartoons, on the internet or on the streets—don’t patronize it. Watch something else. But if you can understand and embrace the raging vitality borne of living on the very edge of human endurance and passion, then come sit by me on the sidelines. And watch—I think the left wing’s about to throw a punch.

sports

By Mike Guardabascio I was as unsurprised as you last week when Bill Romanowski announced that he’d taken steroids during his NFL career, since I possessed eyeballs for most of that career. I’d seen it all from Romo––the rage, the injuries, and yes, even heard the stories about the “collateral damage” that every steroid user comes to expect. The real news story wasn’t that he’d taken steroids; the news story was that he was admitting it. We all remember the Sports Illustrated that came out a few years ago, revealing exactly how prevalent steroid use was in Major League Baseball. Sure, that may not have been surprising either, but damn it stung, watching America’s pastime being dragged before its Congress, dissected and scrutinized as star after star fell under suspicion.

Is this what’s in store for the NFL? Could the next big name to retire, needing (or wanting) a few extra bucks, be about to publish a book that would blow the lid off of the league, slinging mud and allegations at Jevon Kearse, LaDainian Tomlinson, or Brett Favre? Maybe. I’d love to dismiss the idea as preposterous, but if the baseball controversy taught me one lesson, a lesson taught over and over again in current sports coverage, it’s that nothing is sacred.

The real question may be not if, but when, the dam will break for the NFL. The hard question may be, will anyone care? More and more, steroid apologists are claiming that the drugs are just another development in athleticism, that science has dictated how much weights should be lifted when, and what to eat in order to bulk up, so why not let it create other advantages? And the NFL, despite its efforts, does not have a squeaky-clean image. Intelligent observers may notice the finesse of the game, but the majority of the country thinks of its pigskin players as overgrown head-smashers. Will it really bother them to find out that a 300-pound defensive lineman may only have weighed 275 if he hadn’t taken a few pills? Will it bother you? I hope so. If past tendencies hold true, we might be about to see some ugly allegations come out; let’s just hope that the NFL, and this country, is prepared to deal with them properly, by raising their standards instead of lowering them, and making it clear once and for all that steroids have no place in sports.

Double Meanings: A Sports Dictionary

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HEADACHE

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

It’s Not Frisbee, It’s Just Ultimate

5

October

Vault 350 – Pennywise – 7p.m. $13.50 Olympic Auditorium – The Germs,

24th Chain Reaction – The Appleseed cast, The Minus Story, The Valley Arena – 7 p.m. $10 Henry Fonda Theatre – Sublime Tribute – 8 p.m. $35

El Rey Theatre – Negativland – 7 p.m. $20

Bad Brains – 7 p.m. $26

No Future Café – Stratageme – 7 p.m.

FREE

The Grove – Johnny Vatos with members of Oingo Boingo – 8 p.m. $35

30th House of Blues, Sunset – Cypress Hill – 8 p.m. $35

25th House of Blues, Sunset – Julieta Venegas, Los Abandoned – 8 p.m. $30

Glasshouse – Broken Spindles, Joy Electric, Calico Sunset, Nosaj Thing – 7 p.m. $10

Walt Disney Concert Hall – Counting Crows, Hollywood Bowl Orchestra – 8 p.m. $40-125

Glasshouse - Mae, Circa Survive, Mute Math, Discover America – 7 p.m. $12

Long Beach Arena – Judas Priest, Rob Zombie, Anthrax – 7 p.m. $55 The Grove – Lewis Black – 8 p.m. $39.50

Key Club – Meshuggah – 8 p.m. $30 Wilshire Theatre – Twelve Girls Band – 8 p.m. $35-100

Scars of Tomorrow, Sinai Beach, August Burns Red, Tomorrow Comes Today, Doc Holiday, Letters to Elisabeth – 6 p.m. $13

Avalon - Benji & Joel Madden, Hot Hot Heat, Minnie Driver, Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley - 7 p.m. $42 BB Kings – Warrant – 6 p.m. $25

4th Galaxy Theatre – Poxy Boggards, Nathan James & Ben Hernandez, Zak Morgan, Paddy Doyle’s Boots – 8 p.m. $15

House of Blues, Anaheim – Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Jean Grae, Pharoahe Monch,– 6 p.m. $45

House of Blues, Sunset – HorrorPops, Roger Miret, The Disasters – 7 p.m. $15 Gibson Amphitheatre – Vincente Fernandez – 8 p.m. $61-158, 3 nights Roxy – Nikki Costa, Driveblind – 8 p.m. $23

Vault 350 – Isaac Hayes – 7 p.m. $55

26th

31st

Galaxy Theatre – Powerman 5000,

Galaxy Theatre – Meshuggah, God

Demas, Slewfoot, Daybreak Ends – 8 p.m. $15

Forbid, The Haunted, Mnemic, Trusted in Blood – 8 p.m. $25

House of Blues, Anaheim - Dark Star

DiPiazza’s – Graveyard Riot, Zen

Orchestra, Yoshida Brothers – 7 p.m. $22

Koo’s – Bad Dudes, Monster Dudes, Lowbelly, Plague of Dandelions, Brian Miller, Kevin Sheilds – 7 p.m. $6 THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

Wiltern LG – Fall Out Boy – 6 p.m. $23.50

House of Blues, Anaheim – Royal Crown Revue, Lee Rocker, Dramarama – 7 p.m. $20

Glasshouse - Sage Francis, Sole, Sol. iLLaquists of Sound – 7 p.m. $18

28th

Wiltern LG – Bauhaus – 8 p.m. $38.50, 3 nights

House of Blues, Sunset – Strung Out, Stretch Armstrong, A Wilhelm Scream, Section 8 – 7 p.m. $16 House of Blues, Anaheim – Three Dog Night, Reno Jones – 7 p.m. $32.50 Henry Fonda Theatre – Sage Francis – 9 p.m. $18

El Rey Theatre – Against Me, Epoxies, The Soviettes, Smoke or Fire – 6 p.m. $14 Troubadour – Pretty Girls Make Graves, Bullet Train to Las Vegas, Razrez – 8 p.m. $12 Vault 350 – Pennywise – 7p.m. $13.50

House of Blues, Sunset – The Roots – 11 p.m. $35

Bren Events Center – Fall Out Boy, Starting Line, Motion City Soundtrack, Boys Night Out, Panic at the Disco – 6 p.m. $24 Glasshouse - Horrorpops, Roger Miret and the Disasters, Left Alone – 7 p.m. $13

The Grove – Alice Cooper – 8 p.m. $55

November 1st Wiltern LG – Atmosphere – 7 p.m. $24.75

House of Blues, Anaheim – Blues Traveler, Carbon Leaf – 8 p.m. $27.50 Knitting Factory – American Analog Set, Vervein, Greater California – 8 p.m. $12 STAPLES Center – U2 – 7 p.m. $51.50-171

2nd Showcase Theatre – Donnybrook, Shattered Realm, Hoods, Black My Heart, Every Man for Himself – 7 p.m. $10 Troubadour – Pete Yorn – 7 p.m. $20

29th Chain Reaction – Pretty Girls Make Graves, Matachine – 7 p.m. $12 Gibson Amphitheatre – Blackest of the Black, Danzig, Behemoth, Himsa, Chimera, Mortiis, The Agony Scene – 6 p.m. $29.50 Dodger Stadium – Dashboard Confessional, All American Rejects, Jim Adkins – 5 p.m. $10

Showcase Theatre – A Static Lullaby, A Thorn for Every Heart, Auditory Aphasia, Dead Letter Diaries, To the Kill – 7 p.m. $12 Henry Fonda Theatre – Mae – 6 p.m.

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6

$13

Spaceland – The Autumns – 7 p.m. $8 Normandie Casino – The English Beat – 7 p.m. $15

Robbi, Mad Libs – 7 p.m.

Wiltern LG – Atreyu – 7 p.m. $20

27th

Angels Stadium – Rolling Stones – 7 p.m. $60-450

STAPLES Center – U2 – 7 p.m. $51.50-171

Key Club – Powerman 5000 – 8 p.m. $15

3rd Gibson Amphitheatre – Mos Def, Talib Kweli, Jean Grae, Pharoahe Monch, Fort Minor – 8 p.m. $39.50 House of Blues, Anaheim – The Roots, J’Davey – 8 p.m. $37

House of Blues, Sunset – Blues Traveler, Carbon Leaf – 8 p.m. $27.50 Whiskey A GoGo – Bury Your Dead,

5th Wiltern LG – Jason Mraz – 8 p.m. $33.50

Chain Reaction – The Juliana Theory, Jamison Parker, June, Roses are Red – 7 p.m. $14 House of Blues, Anaheim – Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, Bayside, Aiden

– 1 p.m. $17.50

Whiskey A GoGo – Chain Driven, The Moonlight Experience, Paint the Town, Other People, Johnny 99, End of Sorrow – 6:30 p.m.

El Rey Theatre – Suicide Girls, Tsu Shi Mami Re, Rocket – 8 p.m. $18.50 Troubadour – Isis, Everlovely Lightningheart – 8 p.m. $13 Vault 350 – X – 7 p.m. $28

6th Koo’s – Experimental Dental School, Mika Miko, King Cobra, Shoot out the Lights – 7 p.m. $6 Wiltern LG – Jason Mraz – 8 p.m. $33.50

Chain Reaction – Final Fight, Allegiance, Vagary, Set it Straight, A War Within, Better Days to Come – 7 p.m. $10 House of Blues, Sunset – Hawthorne Heights, Silverstein, Bayside, Aiden – 7 p.m. $15 House of Blues, Anaheim – The Adicts, Bang Sugar Bang, The Diffs, So Unloved – 8 p.m. $20 Hollywood Bowl – Rolling Stones – 7 p.m. $63.50-454.50

7th House of Blues, Sunset – Liz Phair, Missy Higgins – 8 p.m. $27.50

Henry Fonda Theatre – Broken Social Scene, Feist – 9 p.m. $23

Fred Kavli Theatre – Earth Wind & Fire – 8 p.m. $40-70

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By J.J. Fiddler

T

he waiting isn’t the hardest part; it’s the best part. A live Mars Volta performance is fueled by anticipation. In the two hours Volta spent on stage at the Santa Barbara Bowl for their last U.S. show of the year, only about 90 seconds contained silence.

They only played eight songs, but that’s what is expected from the jam band of this generation. Each song reaches out beyond the limits set for it on the recorded album.

Each song has its own personality: a new personality.

In between each track is a flurry of sound, rising and falling, sometimes falling directly into your favorite song.

There are few more rewarding moments in life than when you want something to happen, and then it does. And it is glorious.

I was able to feel exactly that as John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers fame took the stage.

“L’Via L’Viaquez,” the third track off of Frances The Mute, was imminent. After some struggles with equipment, Frusciante— decked out in ratty sweats and Omar Rodriguez Lopez transient-like hair—and guitarist

Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez absolutely ripped through the guitar solos in the midst of an extended version of the song. Needless to say, “L’Via” took on its own new personality.

Omar and lead singer Cedric Bixler-Zavala gyrated with the music, and at one point Omar had to hold his guitar away from him in order to dance without hindrance.

And Cedric, oh Cedric. It’s hard not think of Robert

Malkmus Falling

By Pete Marchica Anyone who has ever heard or uttered the name “Malkmus” either loves him or hates him. Formerly the singer/guitarist of the critically acclaimed band “Pavement”, Stephen Malkmus has, in so many words, fallen off the deep end. What once was a man who put out such awkward out-of-tune trash that seemed to captivate and stun his audience of plenty, has now been reduced to a solo career, a fine chunk of cash from a Sears commercial, and bandmates that don’t even show up for tour dates.

I for one saw Malkmus at the El Rey, just like everyone else in LA who wanted to see him did. The problem this time was not the $6 mixed-drink charge. It was not the fact that Jolly Ranchers were nowhere to be found in the fantastic array of sweets the bathroom attendant kept next to his undeserving tip jar. No, the problem was Malkmus himself. I was let down by a man whose last name was thought

Harvey Danger Little by Little Phonographic Records Mike Guardabascio

Blue-Eyed Son West of Lincoln Eenie Meenie Records

By Jesse Gayda Blue-Eyed Son is an earth-conscious acoustic rock outfit that plays moody progressions with witty lyrical content while utilizing cello, violin, flute, and clarinet, along with the typical guitar/ bass/keys/drums & percussion. There is a definite similarity between BlueEyed and The Shins, yet this singer/ vocalist has a slightly more pleasant and easier-to-listen-to vocal style because of his lack of higher-pitched frequencies, and he sings about depression… with hope (note track titles “Step Away From the Cliff”, “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy,” “Suffering Sea,” and “Time to Rise”).

The concept of the album is based loosely on the lives of all; there are ups and downs, but life goes on as long as we’re still kicking, the tide is still changing, and the sun is still shining.

As far as this album’s breaking new grounds and being the latest craze, I couldn’t see that happening here, but what is guaranteed is that that album is good, melodic, and emotional.

Recommended for fans of The Shins, and say, Iron & Wine, and people who would be interested in hearing a combination of the two.

Classic Pop

A Look Back at Iggy and The Stooges

By Jon Matsumoto The Stooges’ self-titled debut album was released in August 1969, the same week that the epochal Woodstock festival transpired.

As the hippie scene reached its apex at the massive peace-and-love gathering in upstate New York, a new form of cataclysmic music was being created in the rock underground by upstarts the Stooges and their Michigan mates, the MC5.

With song titles like “I Wanna Be Your Dog” and “No Fun,” the Stooges were clearly not in alliance with the put-a-flower-in-yourhair mentality of the day. Instead, they helped lay the groundwork for music that would later be called punk, neo-garage rock, and even heavy metal. If you’re a fan of countless hip or semi-hip contemporary bands from the White Stripes to the Hellacopters, say a prayer of thanks at the altar of the Stooges.

Recently, those astute archivists at Rhino Records correctly deemed it worthy to release the first two Stooges albums in deluxe form.

Both 1969’s The Stooges and 1970’s Fun House are now available with spruced-up sound and an extra disc of outtakes and demos.

The Stooges is nothing less than a rock classic. The music is often edgy, abrasive and twistingly psychedelic. Absent is any form of political consciousness. The lyrics are more snide and ridiculous than profound, perhaps fitting for a

group that took its name from those masters of splapstick mayhem, The Three Stooges. The quartet also proved you could create inspired songs with musicians that barely knew how to tune their guitars. This egalitarian view of rock would eventually inspire a slew of minimalist punk bands in ‘70s and ‘80s, including the Ramones.

The band’s singular ace in the hole was vocalist Iggy Pop. He delivered songs like “1969” and “I Wanna Be Your Dog” with just the right dose of snot and delinquency. Pop’s attitude was pure punk before it formally existed. One of the more striking tracks on the debut album is “We Will Fall,” a trippy exploration that shows that the band was also inspired by the dark musings of the Doors.

Many consider Fun House to be even a better effort by the Stooges. Though it doesn’t contain anything quite as memorable as “I Wanna Be Your Dog,” it’s consistently challenging as it expands the group’s increasingly free form musical-palette to include saxophone.

The bonus tracks on both of these issues are more apt to appeal to the thoroughly converted. But nothing can diminish the importance of The Stooges and Fun House.

music

You probably heard Harvey Danger’s one-hit-wonderful debut single, “Flagpole Sitta,” when it first came out seven years ago. Chances are, you didn’t hear much from them after that. Well, it was certainly your loss, my friend. Harvey Danger was, and remains, one of the wittiest, funniest bands in America. Now, with the release of their new CD, Little by Little, you can repent your sins and listen in depth.

Little by Little is a natural progression from HD’s first two albums, incorporating both the more driving guitars of Where Have all the Merrymakers Gone and the more experimental instrument choice of King James Version. It also adds an upbeat 70s sound, especially on such instant classics as “Happiness Writes White” and “Incommunicado.” A darker, more serious dimension is also explored on “What You Live By” and the final track, “Diminishing Returns”— and “Wine, Women, and Song” is one of the best-written songs of the last year.

This CD is in limited release, but there are plenty of ways to get it; it’s available at Fingerprints on Second Street, and it’s also available for legal download at their website, HarveyDanger.com. It’s worth a listen, and since you can get it for free, there’s really no excuse to miss it.

to be comparable to Russell Crowe’s in Gladiator.

The third and hopefully final album by Steven Malkmus and the Jicks not only didn’t live up to it’s predecessors, “Stephen Malkmus” and “Pig Lib,” it sunk further than Rosie O’Donnell’s ass on a bean bag chair made for children.

Those of you who have absolutely no clue what I’m talking about, I suggest you pick up “Brighten the Corners” under the “P” section at your local stuck-up pompous record store (trust me, there are plenty in Long Beach), then graduate to “Crooked Rain” and “Wowee Zowee.” However, beware– for after hours of fun and enjoyment while listening to the likes of “Blue Hawaiian” and “Father is a Sister to a Thought,” you may stumble across his newest solo album, “Face the Truth”….. When this eventually happens, save yourself a little heartache and pain, put the barrel in your mouth, and pull the trigger.

Plant while watching Bixler-Zavala hit notes few could emulate, but I will take it. In the music world today, I will support any band that takes their own original music seriously, and delivers time and time again.

At the end of each show on the most recent tour, Volta plays Cassandra Gemini, and this show was no different.

It is exciting and disappointing at the same time, as Omar sings, “I think I’ve become like one of the others,” because everyone knows this is the last song. Thirty minutes later, after guitar, clarinet, organ and bass solos galore, the experience is over.

Mars Volta is a jam band, like Lou Reed and the Doors before them, and with no encore—there never is one—they leave you wanting more every time.

If all of what I have explained seems foreign, take a time out and listen to Volta. Check out the live tracks to be released November 8th. Buy a CD, a DVD, or go to a show when they return with a new record sometime next year.

Believe me, it is worth every Cedric Bixler-Zavala penny. It’s worth the wait.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

Mars Volta

In Anticipation of

7

The theme for this week is disturbing news in the realm of comic book adaptations, beginning with a rather disheartening story regarding Danny Elfman (Oingo Boingo) and his apparent hatred of SpiderMan director Sam Raimi. Elfman recently stated that he would not be scoring the third Spider-Man film due the terrible time he had scoring the last film. “Let me put it this way, there is no amount of money that anybody could offer me to do Spider-Man 3. I would sooner go back to bussing tables.” Whoa!

When asked where all of this animosity towards the project and its director comes from, Elfman stated that Raimi was overbearing and creatively restrictive.

in January and has a predicted release date of Nov. 2006.

In the days preceding the event, anticipation for the LaserSpectacular is sure to grow at a rapid pace, like a funky fungus growing in cow-covered greenery.

Of course, personal “enhancements” for the evening will need to be acquired elsewhere, as illegal substances are strictly prohibited from the premises.

For further information on the event, contact the Carpenter Center at (562) 985-7000 or online at www.CarpenterArts.org.

In other news: Daniel Craig is set to star as the infamous James Bond. “He starts out just having earned his double-0 stripes,” Craig revealed, “and comes out at the end the Bond we know and love.” The film will begin shooting

Special Seagal Power Play: Lighting Bolt Energy Drink

H

ave you ever wished that YOU had the energy to grow a cool ponytail, just like the wise Sensai Seagal? Of course you have! What’s a Badass-in-Training to do? Energy drinks are easy to come by in this day and age, but which one do you choose for master martial artistry? Red Bull gives you cool but useless wings, Monster sounds too scary, and High Octane is probably just pure gasoline. Well, get on your knees and bow to the East, because Seagal is once again to the rescue. Usually it’s for blonde girls who have ties to the Yakuza, but this time it’s for the energy-sapped public.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

The blessed substance features a picture of Seagal himself on the can, as well as his signature, which should be enough in itself to make you plop down your three bucks for it.

But, if you need more convincing, consider that the drinks are the FIRST to include Goji

ngs and our ri ur wro ght s. of o

Showing this Thursday and Friday at 7 PM in the Carpenter Center, the Floyd-based laser-light show is sure to be an almost spiritual experience, a flashback to planetariums of the 1970s. Luckily for Floyd fans, both “Dark Side of the Moon” and “The Wall” will be projected with what Paramount describes as “state-of-the-art laser technology. Tickets for the event are currently available at the Carpenter Center box office. Regular admission is $15, but a five- dollar discount is offered for all CSULB students.

And the sadness keeps on coming as Superman Returns heads into re-shoots. Normally, re-shoots aren’t a kiss of death by any means, but in this case I’m a bit worried because the need for re-shoots have been attributed to a few action scenes in the film that bore more than a passing resemblance to scenes in the Fantastic Four (not the Corman version). This news gives me a rotten pit in my stomach. I think the Fantastic Four is fun, but it’s also as dumb as a bag of hair. Hopefully they step in and clean up whatever mess they feel they’ve made before it’s too late.

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Floyd. The sights. The sounds. The experience. An acid trip of an adventure all in itself. Back in their time (and hopefully soon, if persisting rumors prove to be true), the legendary audio artists produced a brain-melting canon of material that could easily be considered the most impressive music of the twentieth century. For too short a time, they dazzled spectators and bombarded concertgoers with their awe-inspiring and hallucinatory tunes. But while the band may not currently be making music anymore, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy a spectacle of the past in Paramount’s Original LaserSpectacular featuring The Music of Pink Floyd.

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“Look, mummy! There’s a low plane up in the sky!”

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entertainment

charge of our days a nd es in M il ou rn igh ts.

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Video Pick of the Week The Beyond (1981)

Don’t ask me why, but when most people mention Lucio Fulci, they count Zombi (an Italian, in-name-only sequel to Dawn of the Dead) as his best film. Don’t get me wrong, Zombi (or Zombi 2 as it’s known in the states) is a fine film and all, but it can’t match the gore and overall manic fun of The Beyond.

In the film, one of the seven doors of hell has been opened in an old Louisianan hotel, unleashing a nightmare on the hotel’s owner as well as anyone else that comes across its path.

The story is the definition of minimalist; in fact, I think that if Fulci could have shown people dying in terrible and gruesome ways for an hour and a half without the burden of explaining “Why?” he certainly would have. But aside from the exceptional death scenes, this film has one of the thickest layers of dread hanging over it that you’re ever likely to experience.

For anyone that’s sick of films like The Fog, or the recent influx of Japanese horror remakes (The Grudge, The Ring), this film is a breath of fresh air. Likewise, for anyone that considers themselves to be a true horror fan, this is an essential film to experience. Again, this may be a little tougher to find because of the gore level, but it’s the perfect film to get you ready for what I’ve got in store for you next week…the Halloween Octuple Creature Feature!

Berries as well as Asian Cordyceps. Now, I have absolutely no idea what they do or how they taste, but you can bet that Goji Berries certainly sound like they’re Asian. The drinks come in two assuredly delectable flavors: Cherry Charge, which tastes of cherries, and Asian Experience, which by all logic should taste of… Asians?

The important thing here isn’t what it tastes like, truly, not even if it actually gives you energy; the important thing here is that Steven Seagal traveled through Tibet and China during the sixties and seventies and learned the respectable art of Aikido so that he could become a big movie star and eventually make an energy drink that was comprised of very Eastern-sounding terms and fruits so that we could buy it. He did that for you, America. So you just stop being so selfish right this minute, and you go out and buy yourself a drink. If not for your own sake, for Steve’s.

By Daniel Pearson & Daniel Steinbacher

Under Siege 2 :Dark Territory If you thought Under Siege was hard stuff, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve gone into “dark territory.” Under Siege 2: Dark Territory is the mammoth sequel that truly ups the ante in every way. Steven Seagal returns as Casey Ryback (if he wasn’t back, I wouldn’t be wasting my time reviewing this).

Life is bittersweet for Casey. On one hand, he has his own restaurant, the Mile High Cafe in Denver, Colorado. On the other hand, his brother just died in a plane crash. Instead of having copious sex with attractive women, baking some excellent souffle, and doing other assorted manly things, Casey’s stuck vacationing with his niece (Katherine Heigl) on a train destined for Los Angeles. The train just happens to be carrying two military officials who know the code that unlocks a powerful satellite named Grazer. A band of mercenaries led by Travis Dane (Eric Bogosian) then hijack the train. It turns out Dane is the bitter ex-military computer geek who designed Grazer. After getting the code, they use the train as a moving headquarters for their operation. Naturally, this pisses Casey off and launches him into action.

Under Siege 2 is truly the quintessential Seagal film. Everything about it is on a completely different level, compared to the rest of his filmography. It has a kind of superstar ensemble of people who will make you say, “Hey, it’s that guy!” Its unremarkable coterie includes, but is not limited to, Everett “I look like Leonard Nimoy” McGill, Peter Greene (villain from The Mask), and Kurtwood Smith (the dad from That 70’s Show).

There’s yet another glorious bomb-building scene in Dark Territory. Casey makes a bomb primarily out of coconut oil and whiskey, then attaches a beeper that says, “You’re fucked!” to it. There are two vintage Seagal takedowns. One takes place atop the train where Casey kicks some poor sap in the face, who then falls off the train and is ran over. The other is a bit different. Casey pours some lighter fluid on the ground, then shoots a henchman with a flare who falls in the lighter fluid and catches on fire.

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Under Siege 2 is a non-stop thrill ride that kicks ass, takes names, takes no prisoners, and other assorted DVD cover-worthy quotes. Seven out of five shattered spines. I know that’s not possible, but as Seagal would say, what are you gonna do about it, chump?

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The Top Five Guinness Draught Guinness has a distinct appearance of a thick and black body, accompanied by a creamy white head. It originated in Dublin, Ireland, and has since become the staple beer of Irish pubs and St. Patrick’s Day.

Stone 9th Anniversary Thick consistency and strong fiery flavor, few beers will knock a grown man on his ass like this brew can. This beer is so pure it always eludes the hangover.

One’s good for a strong buzz, two for becoming belligerent, and three for a date with oblivion.

Fat Tire

Amber Bock

Stone Imperial

A beer that everyone from neophyte to connoisseur can enjoy happily. Smooth with a great nutty favor, Fat Tire is made with such quality that in cases where it has perhaps been drunk a little too deeply, one is left with only a minor hangover.

Such flavor! Full and rich, with a hoppy smoothness that placates even the most demanding taste buds.

This dark-hued nectar cannot be brought down from its quality perch; it is just as comfortable in a plastic cup as it is in a frosty stein.

One of Stone’s finest, this is one of the few beers in the world able to ooze from the bottle.

It’s a rich, hearty stout with the flavors of black currants and coffee beans. It is a beer-drinker’s beer, as well as a liquid dream.

Mickey’s

Stella Artois

St. Pauli Girl Lager

Black Star

A punch-packing malt liquor for the aspiring alcoholic to revel in, this brew is best known for its green, bee-ridden bottle.

This is an excellent lager for inducing alcoholism. It has many different dimensions of flavor.

A little too bitter of a taste for the unseasoned drinker, St. Pauli Girl’s heavy bite makes the newbies upchuck.

One of the smoothest dark brews around. Guzzling bottles makes one feel warm inside, although it is best to drink it upside down from a keg.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Bitburger

Bass

How else can you get hammered with only six bucks for a twelve pack? It’s crisp, clean, and a guaranteed hangover.

A rather heavy German lager, available at Trader Joe’s and various German-style Biergartens, this is a good buy if you can find it.

London’s finest, this pale ale hits with a flavor as crisp as a fraternity paddling. Beer for connoisseurs, no doubt; wussies beware.

Moose Drool

Erdinger

Miller Genuine Draft

Newcastle Brown Ale

It has a nice summery taste, the best hefeweizen available in America. Try it with a slice of lemon.

A classic. This American giant has an almost buttery aftertaste and is a perfect bridge between macro and microbrews. Enjoyed best ice cold from a bottle.

This bottled delight is a rich, smooth, dark brown gateway into the wonderful world of intense heavy-hitting ales.

Old English 40oz Syrupy sweet and just as heavy, chug one of these bad boys and you’re good to go for a night or two.

Steel Reserve All alcohol, no taste. Like the butt-ugly corner hooker who gives awesome head, Steel foregoes superficialities and just gets the job done.

Warsteiner

All the drugs in the world couldn’t make moose slobber taste any better. This dark brew is a meal by itself.

Fullers London Pride

Warsteiner Premium Valum has great head, but doesn’t give it (its only shortcoming).

Available in five-liter cans and tastes fresh from the tap.

Rolling Rock

Freshman, start your drinking!

Bland and nearly tasteless at first, this beer tastes almost as good coming up as it does goin’ down.

Pilsner Urquell

Sam Adams Boston Lager

The world’s first pilsner.A Czechoslovakian beer from one of the oldest breweries in the world. Crisp and golden.

If you are feeling like a turn-of-the-century bloke, you will enjoy this full and rich flavored beer.

A beer better chewed than drunk. Tastes of espresso and molasses, black as an oil baron’s heart and thick as unrefined diesel.

Corona

Lindemans Kriek

Asahi Super Dry

Alaskan Amber Ale

An effusive, citrus-y beer best enjoyed at sunset garnished with salt, lime, and a beautiful woman. A So Cal summer beer if ever there was one.

A beer brewed with sour cherries, delicious, a bit heavy with 6% alcohol. Perfect for the non-beer drinker.

Super Asahi number one! Made to be enjoyed with food, Asahi is refreshing and compliments many a meal.

This beer is smooth and delightful with a rich malt flavor.

Perfect for fishing trips and lovemaking.

Belmont Brewery’s Top Sail

Asahi Black (Dark Ale)

Killian’s Irish Red

Has only been spotted at Sushi Studios, a local sushi bar. Stout and hearty, yet feels incredibly light on the palate.

This darker red lager is fullbodied with a sweet finish.

Bonus points for the unique bottleneck.

Kirin Ichiban

BJ’s Jerimiah Red

Flavored heaven. Not too sweet, but just sweet enough to make other beers taste nasty. Difficult to find, but worth it.

Translated, means, “Kirin Number One.” Crisp and light, this is a good beer for lite-beer drinkers who want a smooth transition to real beer.

Jerimiah Red packs a punch, but you wouldn’t know it from the taste. Smooth and unassuming, it will creep up on you.

Leffe

Tsing Tao

Natural Ice

Negro Modelo In the classic stubby bottle, this brew is no slouch. Hoppy and dark, Negro goes down smoothly. For best results, drink at a barbecue.

Dos Equis Amber There’s Dos Equis, and then there’s Dos Equis Amber. A surprisingly delightful amber lager, smooth and refreshing.

Caguama This is a fairly inexpensive Salvadorian beer. It is kind of like Becks, Corona, and Perrier together, but it gets you drunk!

Pacifico A nice heavier lager from Mexico, good with lime. Even at room temperature, it is a step up from Corona.

A good dinner beer. Citrus and apple flavors, with a light, malty finish. This goes down mighty smooth.

Purple Haze Raspberry

Cool and clean. This is the beer to drink when you’re tired of that cheap beer taste. It just feels… classy.

The name says it all; this ale is delicious and drinkable, best with a shepherd’s pie.

Belmont Brewery’s Long Beach Crude

Red Tail Ale

This white, foamy beer was once described by a Scotsman as ‘tasting of sausages,’ but in the good way.

This Chinese beer was brewed first by German missionaries to China. It still has a great German taste with nice variants.

A Northern California microbrew from the heart of Mendocino County. A crisp ale with a strong finish, it is the work of master craftsmen.

Young’s Oatmeal Stout

Red Horse

Firestone Double Barrel Ale

Strong, exquisite flavor, and 7% alcohol. Can only be purchased at Asian markets, and a seven-dollar six pack will undo any lady’s panties.

With the sweet taste of honey and hops, this beer will remind you of your favorite summer day.

Full of crispity goodness and perfect for any occasion.

If Young’s Oatmeal wasn’t so damned alcoholic, you might mistake it for a milkshake. Try one for breakfast.

Heavy Hitters

Legend Beers to substitute for a meal

Chimay (7, 8, 10% respectively)

BJ’s Tatonka Stout (8.3 %)

Comes in three strong varieties: red, white, and blue. All are tasty, and increasingly more potent, with a thick, foamy head.

With a head you could cut with a knife, this thick, dark brew has hints of chocolate throughout. Substitute for an actual meal anytime.

Sierra Nevada Bigfoot (9.6%) This one’s pretty hairy. The big malty bite, the hoppy depth, and the hefty alcoholic punch… this one is truly for the tigers, not the kittens.

Ruination (7.3%)

Beers to make your father proud Beers to drink with your mother Beers to fuck you up

Tasting this beer is like tasting beer for the first time. Strong, bitter, and fucking good, Ruination is the next evolution of beer.

Beers that girls will enjoy

Trippel (8.5%)

Beers you can bong

From the makers of Fat Tire comes Trippel, a light, yellow brew that will make even the largest man fall to his knees after a few sips.

Fightin’ beers

Beers that are great in a keg

Beers for Breakfast

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

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literature

On the Road...

W

i tt h Conor and Amanda

The First in a Series of Eerily Devotional Articles on the Works of Jack Kerouac

By Amanda Parsons and Conor Izzett

“W

of the beat generation, mad traveling, punctuation defying, beautiful genius, died a relatively young man at the hands of alcohol. Kerouac regarded each of his novels as individual chapters in his great autobiographical novel, The Duluoz Legend, On the Road being the first. Kerouac began laying out aspects of the novel many years before writing it, the whole of the novel he banged out in a three-week purge. The entire novel was written a continuous scroll of paper over 100 feet long and although the novel would go though several drafts it still retains the improvisational qualities of the original.

The novel follows a young Kerouac on his journey across America. From east to west coast and south of the border, it chronicles narrator Sal Paradise’s adventures as he drives, hitchhikes, hops trains, and walks, criss-crossing the country searching for affirmation. His journey begins by following Kerouac as he hitchhikes from New York to Denver where he meets up with his old friend Neal Cassidy, known in the novel as Dean Moriarity, the crazed, over-enthusiastic hobo’s son. Cassidy stays a constant character throughout the quest by either accompanying Kerouac on his travels or sparking the travels themselves.

Paradise goes to Denver, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Texas, Mexico, and the unspoken, spiritual

e’re leaving everything behind us and entering a new and unknown phase of things. All the years and troubles and kicks—and now this. So that we can safely think of nothing else and just go on ahead with our faces stuck out like this, you see? And understand the world as, really and generously speaking, others haven’t before us. It’s the world! My God! It’s the world!”

Kerouac, the mangy drunken hitchhiking poet, voice

A Leap in the Dark

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005 page

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places in between. He finds romance, sex, drugs, jazz, and that untouchable adventurous feeling that only the road can bring.

Kerouac articulates the feeling of the original postWorld War II American generation; one without a definable purpose, and suffering from an inescapable feeling of aimlessness. On The Road is the story of a generation eclipsed by the one before it, one whose purpose was definitive and clear. Kerouac and the Beat generation’s battle was an intangible, spiritual one. Esoteric and indefinable, Kerouac’s novels set the stage for the cultural revolution of the 60s. His was a journey whose end was not the means, a concept that he expressed so eloquently.

The original draft of the On The Road scroll has been touring the country for close to two years.

It is currently in North Carolina and will be traveling to San Francisco Public Library in January of 2006. See it, read it all the way through, and bask in the mad bebop expression of Jack Kerouac.

mankind’s greatest individuals striving to make their mark, yet it is non-fiction.

By John E. Ferling Paperback $17.95 In the process, these Oxford University Press 558 Pages individuals manage to formulate an Reviewed by Kevin Malinowski improbable victory over a vast empire History is a tool of the enlightened. Those we choose as leaders can learn much and create a governfrom history and apply it to the thought processes that lead to decisions made ing document that today. Fortunately, we are blessed with literary works such as John Ferling’s A sets the standard for Leap in the Dark as a powerful point of reference. human society.

Ferling combines his extensive knowledge of the Revolutionary period with The Founding Our Founding Fathers They may have structured our country and society stringent research and masterful storytelling. The literature reads as a tale of Fathers and their 300 years ago, but what have they done for us lately? life-long struggles take center stage in what may be one of the great period pieces that tells the whole story. Ferling examines players like Hamilton, Washington and Jefferson among others. He tells their stories and paints connections of their triumphs and tribulations to one another. The reader is fascinated by the contest discussed

By Neil Gaiman between Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson over how to William Morrow (HarperCollins) shape the early republic. Then, a chapter dedicated to the end of the Hardback $26.95, 336 Pages 18th century pits President John Adams’ reluctance to stop the press from provoking war against Hamilton’s outright disapproval of the Reviewed by Sharleen Higa and Mike Guardabascio Alien and Sedition Acts that criminalized negative comments about the government in the press. Ironically, it was Adams who bled with A staple of African folktales is Anansi, the spider god who, by trickery and finesse, gained Patrick Henry as patriots who tactically used the press to promote control of all the world’s stories. In Neil Gaiman’s masterful novel, American Gods, he brings the Revolution against Britain. this ancient character into a modern imagining as Mr. Nancy, a delightful old man in bright The read flows like a novel, yet its contents exceed the historical yellow gloves and a fedora. In Anansi Boys, Gaiman follows the life of Mr. Nancy’s son, Fat information of most textbooks. Benjamin Franklin, for example, is Charlie, who has been emotionally crippled by the terminal embarrassment his father has described as physically trim with the thick neck and “sinewy arms been in his life. “There must be a hundred thousand respectable ways to die,” the narrator of a swimmer, for the fact he began most days with a lengthy swim.” muses. The way Mr. Nancy goes is so outrageous, so utterly and perfectly ridiculous, that Fat Much to the contrary to the older, rounded version of the man, Ferling Charlie is convinced that his father did it on purpose, and we’re left gasping and shrieking our offers glimpses of who thanks that Neil Gaiman, among his numerous other talents, is a master of British slapstick as these men were—not just well. From there the novel spins and weaves an intricate story of unlikely coincidences, huge what they accomplished. mistakes, and an inheritance that Fat Charlie would rather not have known about.

Perhaps the most What makes Anansi Boys so delicious is the rich and completely authentic way in which interesting aspect of the Gaiman pulls mythological African history, Floridian santería, and ordinary life in 21st century book is the focus on the England together to make a vision of reality that is battle that takes place— undeniably true. Gaiman is perhaps our generation’s after the creation of the most capable storyteller, and his mastery of folktales Constitution—between is virtually linguistic, allowing him to pull from a vast those who favored a cenvocabulary to construct a world that is almost Joycean tralized government and in its depth. For all of its impressive artistry, though, those who desperately Anansi Boys is a simple, enjoyable (and often hilarious) feared it. story about love and family.

History is a key to the Anansi Boys is a bestseller, although it has been edged future and the United out of the New York Times’ top ten by the newest book States has the type that from the incomparable Nora Roberts and a new surge most societies would be of interest in The Da Vinci Code, which is, beyond all proud of. Many today reason, actually rising on the charts. Take advantage tend to forget what this of discounts offered by most local booksellers and nation—and those who plunge into the world of Anansi Boys, which takes you helped create it—went from the beginning of the world to supper with Fat through for it to become Charlie’s future mother-in-law in an exhilarating series what it is.

Ferling’s of leaps, embarrassing missteps, and triumph that will work is a captivating leave you absolutely satisfied. choice and a perfect A Leap in the Dark The revolutionary work about the revolution place to start.

Anansi Boys

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A Required Reading by Dan Steinbacher Everything that I say is false. Everything I say is true. Everything I say is meaningless.

LISTEN: YOUR MIND IS A BOMB. We’re trying to defuse it. I can’t give you the whole story, it would detonate the bomb. I can only give you small doses of the truth; small lights stabbing the darkness, if you’re going to get out of this intact. Take this acid, it’ll help tremendously. And now might be a good time to light that joint. Well, time’s a wasting, and every second the Illuminated Seers of Bavaria grow closer to their goal. Take your medicine. Yes, it’s a book called The Illuminatus! Trilogy. You’ve got to read it. Yes, that’s it. It is still imperative that you read it, though. They’re going to immanentize the Eschaton! The Illuminati, that’s who!

Has Hagbard taken you to Atlantis yet? Heard about the Pyramid and The Eye? Fnords? Yog Sothoth? The Law Of Fives? Lady Eris?

Discordia?

Wow, they haven’t told you shit. Don’t worry, the book explains all of it. Mostly. Am I melting yet? The acid should be kicking in soon. You’ll probably start to experience simultaneous timelines, so try not to freak out too much about that.

Woohoo, that’s some good grass, huh?

It should be, it’s George Washington’s private recipe.

Got careful doses mescaline and salvia

in it.

Anyway, about that book. Don’t try to make sense of it.

Just keep reading. It’s made to confuse the part of you that they control. The multiple plotlines, the endless parade of characters, drugs, sex, conspiracy theories, paranoia, occult, and anarchy will eventually seem normal. Usually after the first hundred pages or so. So will the completely tangential narration, the overlapping contradictions and the bad puns.

The fact that you’re here, that the Illuminati even saw you as enough of a threat to bother to booby trap your brain, is proof enough to us that you’re going to be valuable to us.

Who are we? We’ve existed since Atlantis, probably before that. Even I’m not sure.

We have to operate in the shadows––no one knows the whole truth, not even the Illuminati. How can you trust us?

You can’t. Trust yourself instead.

One more thing: once you start the book, you have to finish.

To interrupt the deprogramming midstream would implode your frontal lobe. Let go, enjoy the trip.

You’re ready to be illuminated now.

R.A.W. No crazier than his crazy ring

Thank you very much to everyone who submitted their stories–– the turnout was much better than my wildest expectations, and your hard work is much appreciated.

The competition will be fierce, and I expect that the winning story will be a great one. Will it be yours?

Stay tuned to find out. I’ll be judging them carefully over the next two weeks or so.

After that, I’ll announce the winner in the newspaper, and then contact them by email to arrange for the transfer of the grand prize, and discuss the publication of the story right here on the fabulous Union Weekly Literature page.

If you are an enormous slacker and the one week deadline extension wasn’t enough for you, remember–– you have until midnight on the Monday of this week to send them to chiyeko@ucla.edu. Same rules for you as for everyone–– 1,000 words or less, no restriction on content or genre. Just get them in, because at 12:01 AM Tuesday morning, I won’t be accepting any more stories from anyone. Good luck to all the entrants, and hopefully I’ll be talking to you all soon.

For those of you who gave me good stories but didn’t quite take first place, I’ll be contacting you about potentially publishing them as well.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

The Illuminatus! Trilogy

Attention Short Story Contest Enterers

11

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literature

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THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

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Treason

Rebellion

Justice

Democracy

Liberty

The Day After It Rains

Microsoft Word’s Puppy

When God cries, it’s simple to smile. The air is carefree and clear, a giddy exception from the humdrum of smoggy monotony. Harmless and helpful, it’s the best element Earth has to offer. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about the rainy day’s unavoidable kin, “the day after it rains” (T-DAiR).

During autumn showers, life is alive.

Lawns puddle into lakes and walkways into tiny seas. School, work and the like are afterthoughts, as nobody does anything but drink cocoa, watch “Goonies” and, occasionally, brave the fit for some mid-day Del Taco. The world feels fresh.

Quite the opposite, T-DAiR is like waking up with severe lead poisoning.

The floods have gone, but they tracked

As I sit at the computer (at 3am) typing the rest of my geography essay that’s due in a few hours, I begin to notice that my time using Microsoft Word seems… different.

Sure, my font is a little bigger to help take up the extra room my mind refuses to fill, but I seem to remember a time when I dreaded using this program...

I hit spell check, and hear a cute little puppy say hello through my speakers. I look down at him and suddenly remember… the paper clip. Now, I love paper clips, don’t get me wrong. But that one, with the stupid face

By Elijah Bates

grime over everything. Life turns far harder, as there’s no excuse for playing hooky from responsibility. Semi-dry days are doable, but barely.

T-DAiR is even worse if you don’t own an auto. It’s easy (x3) to slip into a mess that does nothing less than stain your fanny and taint the day. Worse, said fall always takes place while skipping or skating at a crosswalk where all in the vicinity will snicker and stare from the comfort of their Miatas.

It really, really sucks, and so does T-DAiR.

By Jen Perry

Chai Tea

Papermate Pens

By Patrick Dooley

By Dominic McDonald

No one likes heartbreak. As I writer, I have many stories about heartbreak.

This one is quite different - not from woman, not even from human, but from a Papermate brand pen. Oh sure, it lures you with its promising writing capabilities. It even has a cool opaque look unlike any other pen’s. But the bitch DOES NOT WRITE! I admit to have fallen for its lure.

There are so many in a pack - no commitment, right? Really, these pens are like one-night stands. See, what they do is write for a little while, maybe a week or two, and everything is happy.

Then out of nowhere you go to write a girl’s number, no ink. You frantically scratch to find a trace, but all you get is a frantic blank imprint.

I tried to make to make the relationship work and use some other pens, none of them would write on any of my papers. Papermate? More like Paper playmate! I’m going steady with Bic now; even though she looks like magic 8-ball in a suit, she’s reliable.

Don’t make the same mistake I did!

and dumb tricks, really got on my nerves. I swear that fucker would never leave me alone! I couldn’t even put in a header without him suggesting something stupid and unworthy of reading. I don’t remember when this puppy came along, but let me tell you, when he slips that floppy disk back into his collar, even the coldest of hearts can’t help but smile, and maybe even “aww…” a little bit. I’m so glad I found my new best friend and Friday-night companion. He’s cute, friendly, and he even lets me know when I’ve misspelled “privileged.”

What else could I possibly want?

t this point, I would like everyone to raise a glass to grand treason.

A After all, had our forefathers not rebelled and freed themselves from the evil oppressive powers that be, we would not have the rights we take for granted today. Like the right to shoot each other with large guns and blame our parents, the right to pay thousands of dollars for higher education and then skip three out of five classes, the right to get worship our iPods and mock the gods of others, and the right to buy alcohol for minors.

Treason, this one’s for you.

In a word—essential. When water gets old, and soda has bloated your stomach to its bursting point, Chai Tea will be waiting quietly in the back corner of the Beach Hut. For the pitiful reader with his Chai cherry as of yet unpopped, the drink is a smooth, rich, cinnamony, almost nutmeg-ish cold coffee-esque treat for the taste buds.

Not quite tea at all, but bordering on horchata or some manner of milky drink, Chai is a sweet beverage all its own.

The hot version of the concoction hides modestly between the fountain drink machines and Starbucks in the main dining plaza. This frothy, steamy rendition of Chai isn’t fooling anybody—it’s great, but clearly the lesser of the two, and the not-so-popular little brother of the Chai family. Indeed, Chai is at its best when served cool; and if you’re feeling bold, fill your cup about a quarter full with ice, then pour the liquid love on top and enjoy the results.

It’s waiting at Beach Hut, reasonably priced at $1.75. If you’re ahead of the game, you’ll arrive with your CocaCola cup, announce your intention to get a refill, help yourself to some Chai, and quickly leave the scene.

People Who Look like They Belong in the 1980s

Fortune Cookie Fortunes

Don’t you just love it when you walk through campus, maybe on the way to class or to go drink away the lesson you just learned in the Nugget, and you see someone who clearly does not belong in this decade? Well, I know it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling when I see someone who looks like they really should have been around 20 years ago- that’s right, in the 80s.

Now, I’m not talking about people with retro fashion, leg warmers, neon shirts, etc. I’m talking about people who look like they should be an extra in Revenge of the Nerds. When you can

What a delightful surprise! Here, at the center of this delicious, folded cookie, is a simple strip of paper. On it, one prophetic sentence that will show me the true path of my life.

Actually, the cookie is dry, and tasteless, and kind of sticks to the insides of my mouth. And this fortune isn’t even a fortune––it’s like a factoid.

“Every house has a roof”? No crap, fortune cookie, don’t be an idiot. It wouldn’t be a house without a roof, would it? No, it would not.

Other messages have been fortunes, but have been flat out lies. For

By Michaël Veremans

squint your eyes and imagine that person in a fanny pack, that’s when you know you have one.

They people usually look extremely awkward and have a weird, maybe German looking face. Chances are they’re wearing orthopedic shoes and have an interesting hair part.

It reminds me of pictures of my dad from the 80s with his friends outside of a Police concert, and that makes me happy. Overall, I’d give these fortunate individuals two Duran Durans, for a total of 4 Durans, and play a whole Flock of Seagulls.

By Mike Guardabascio

example: “You are the life of every party.” Wrong. I am not the life of every party. In fact, my friends will tell you I am more like the festering sore on the anus of every party: hard to reach, and unpleasant even if you manage to. So, all told, fortune cookie fortunes are much better in concept than in execution. In concept, they are great bringers of wisdom and cookie tastiness; in practice, they are aborted Dr. Phils spouting bad advice, non-advice, and, sometimes, plain lies.

THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 OCTOBER 2005

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15 THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 24 SEPTEMBER 2005

YOU’RE STUCK HERE by Victor Perfecto!

HARD-BOILED CRAIG by Craig Rohlfing

HIPPIE IN THE CITY by Kendra

MAX by Heebface Jones

AACCTERGTHN

YORARO AODT CEOKTP SUEMO

By Jennifer Gomez

*

Now arrange the circled letters to form the surprise answer, as suggested by the cartoon.

Unlike developers, these are all. . .

Unscramble these four Union Jumbles, one letter to each square to form four ordinary words.

comics

IGRENF-EODT ZDAILR

* If you can solve this jumble you are a genius.

If not, contact the comics editor at androidwilsonx@aol.com for answers

(baboon heart)

Volume 57 Issue 09

Today’s Headlines

UPDATE: Creepy Middle-Aged Man Still Leering At Young Women

See Trench Coat Chester Molester W/ Van page 2

Mysterious Pool Of Blood Raises Unconcerned Eyebrows

See The Juice Already At LAX page 3

Saddam Hussein To Go On Trial;

Mahjong Rephrein Also To Go On Trial; Urmom Myweing Also To Go On Trial Too See Crib Court page 5

Women With Implants More Likely To Get Cancer, Second Dates

See Roofie? page 6

THE NEWEST NEWS SOURCE FOR THE NEWSIEST NEWS

(liquid courage)

grunion.lbunion.com

Maxson Mummy Entombed in Pyramid

F

ormer President Maxson said goodbye to the campus and his intestines last Friday when he was entombed in the Walter Pyramid. An active member of the Egyptian Guild of Ancients, Maxson used his resources to build himself a tomb during his eleven-year reign at Long Beach State, and on Friday, he saw his life’s work come to fruition.

The ceremony began at dawn at the “ibw” place of purification, also known as the new 31.5 million dollar Molecular and Life Sciences Center. Two Honors Biology Students, Kim Jong and April O’Niel, conducted the ritual removal of the sacred viscera and then placed them in the four canopic jars that were provided by the art department.

“There was a lot of tension in the room,” O’Niel admitted. “We stuffed his body with the dry natron, but it normally takes forty days, and we only had forty minutes.

Plus, James was watching every move we made.” O’Niel was referring to actor James Spader, who insisted on being present for the ceremony, and who came dressed in a large, tattered burlap poncho.

Maxson’s torso was then stuffed with fresh natron and, at the request of Spader, his skull filled with aromatic potpourri. Artificial eyes were also added to the body.

The students were using strict instructions as provided by the Book of the Dead. Due to the fact that Spader spilt his coffee on the original Necronomicon while placing the smiley-face eyes into the skull, the special edition Evil Dead DVD cover was used for the remainder of the ceremony.

After the preservation particulars were tended to, a procession of four thousand CSU Long Beach students arrived to carry the mummy Maxson down the campus to his tomb. The $22 million Walter Pyramid is one of only three “true pyramids” in the United States, and the only one to have been built for sacred purposes. Sponsored by the Egyptian Guild of the Ancients, the construction was for eleven years validated by the false notion of an arena for campus athletics.

“While this is all very thrilling, I feel like

Above: Spader encounters the mummy Maxson, pushing bricks outside of the pyramid.

“Howya doin’, big guy? What’s yer name and major? Spader? Well, Spades, we got a beautiful campus here. Take good care o’ ‘er, Spader-Man. And Go Beach...for all eternity!” this may have been an extremely heinous that not only was the procession a hedonismisuse of funds,” commented Board of Di- tic display of pagan devilry, but also that rectors member Dr. Ben Thare. Despite the structure should have never been built.

Thare’s objections, the majority of partici“The pyramid is not what it seems,” pating students seemed more than enthu- claimed Diana Roman, the leader of the siastic, considering the morbid tone of the Campus Asian Bible Club. “It has a cantievent. levered seating system, mounted on move“Oh-my-god! I was like totally grabbing able platforms. What that means is that it mummy Maxson’s ass just a moment ago!” is a star gate into other dimensions.” When exclaimed Katie Werthlis. “This is by far the asked to explain her theory further, Roman coolest thing this guy has ever done. Plus, I maintained that through God’s grace no exhave a date with James Spader tonight. I planation was needed, and James Spader didn’t even know that guy was still alive!” was unavailable for comment.

The Campus Greeks showed their supDespite the looming controversy the port by giving Gatorade to all the partici- procession was a success and Maxson was pants along the path and by providing two entombed at sunset. The various chamgold coins to be placed upon Maxson’s smi- bers of the structure will house the four ley eyes as payment to Charon the Ferry- sacrificed virgins, a straw boat, $4 million man for passage to the afterlife across the in various possessions, Maxson’s famStyx River. ily members and his dog Rah when they Protestors were also present to show pass on. “It is not for me,” Maxson contheir disapproval of both Maxson’s blatant- fessed in 1997, when questioned about the ly selfish use of school funds and the pyra- pyramid’s function. “It is for history, for mid itself. One Christian objector claimed religion, and for b-ball.”

Coming fast on the heels of the iPod Nano, Apple’s impossibly small mp3 player, and the new iMac G5 home computer, last week Apple released a new generation of iPod’s capable of playing not only music, but pornography as well.

“Today’s consumer is tech-savvy and demands more from our products. Apple prides itself on being able to anticipate trends, and our Research Department has shown that, without a doubt, people want to be able to watch the lovely Jenna Jameson take it in the ass no matter where they go,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

The advertising campaign, consisting of a female and male silhouette in the act of copulation and the slogan “Now 1,000 Rockets In Your Pocket” has drawn controversy from some, on the grounds that viewing pornography outside the privacy of one’s home may be quite obscene and offensive.

“Simply untrue,” responded Jobs, “Our new iPod will actually help promote abstinence as well as fidelity, since people will be able to nip off to the bathroom for

a speedy meeting with the man in the canoe when need be. Or squeeze one out under the desk, if they’re really desperate.

Sexual trysts with secretaries will become a thing of the past. Convenience is the key with our products. ” While the news has been met with worldwide acclaim, there are those who are not pleased with the porno iPod: anyone who bought an iPod within the last 6 months.

“What the hell, man?” stated irate iPod user Irving Inborg, “I just dropped a whole paycheck so I could get a new iPod and look at color pics of Tera Patrick getting a load on her face, and now this?

Why even bother buying one at all? It’s just gonna be completely obsolete in a year when Apple makes an iPod that can play porn directly to your brain or whatever.”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” interrupted area geek Isaac Ingolstadt, “I enjoy watching Nikki Nova take on Lex Steele and Peter North as much as the next completely heterosexual male, but frankly, I used up all my semen reserves masturbating to pic-

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tures of the Nano, and to have Jobs taunt me like this is just evil. I’m gonna go rub myself raw now.”

Disclaimer (Dees Klaima!): Look, I know people expect to read a fresh, exciting disclaimer each and every week, but it just ain’t happening this time around. My car died this morn and

the “FUZZ” left a threatening note saying that they were going to tow it if I couldn’t move it. “Of course I can’t move it, you idiot!” I screaned. “It’s dead!” I think I was the only one who heard it, but it still sounded pretty cool. ANYHOO, the Grunion is entirely satirical (i.e. just jokes...but seriously). It

is intended to fuzz the parameters between reality and fantasy. If you don’t like cusses, curses, or invocations of a filthy nature, stop reading riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight NOW! All of our authors are paying Long Beach State students. Their words and/or images do not represent those of the Long Beach Union , the ASI, CSULB, Kurt Russell or even the authors themselves. If you become offended by the page after reading this black bar, you deserve all of the tears and frustrations........

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