The Entertainment page is freak-tastic, too. We’ve got a zombie survival guide that’s a necessity for anyone planning to make it through the night alive. For those who choose to spend their Halloween in the safety of their own home, curled up beside a fire and watching horror movies, we’ve got our expert here to tell you what’s what in he realm of fright films. That’s not all. Two of our best tackle the age-old question: “What’s scarier, clowns or dolls?”
Our Literature page is filled with reviews of the all-time scariest writers, short stories from children and staffers, and zombie poetry. The time it takes to actually sit a zombie down and force him to write poetry cannot be overestimated. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to read some of the big names in zombie poets our Literature editor was able to corral... here’s a teaser: Shakespeare’s one of them.
This is just a small glimpse into the vast content of this 24pager. We hope you enjoy it and get it for all it’s worth, and that you’re not too hung over from this weekend’s parties to be able to see straight. Until next week, have a safe and fun-filled Halloween, and remember that, if you run out of candy, you can always pass out copies of The Union.
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ll Hallows Eve is upon us again and, like berserk zombies, the Union has risen to the occasion. This is our second Halloween Spectacular, the biggest issue our staff has ever done together, and quite possibly the best we’ve ever worked on. Unfortunately I’ve been killed, so I couldn’t be here for it. As a plus, though, if you’d like to try your hand at figuring out who killed me, hone your detective skills with our Clue-ish interactive feature, “Who Killed Patrick Dooley?” This feature was dreamed up and designed nearly entirely by our most dedicated freshman staffers, so enjoy. Let ter f
When Halloween has passed, this paper still won’t be outdated. The other pages are chock-full of the very best content written by college students today. Our Music Page has interviews with Anthrax, Sage Francis, and Opeth. Sports page has all the information you need to know and more, including the latest with CSULB’s Women’s Volleyball team, and more importantly, the Union flag football team.
My Physics Physic Call me an idiot if you want, but I took Physics 100 as a six-week class during summer break. If you don’t understand how grave a statement that is, then keep reading—because you might be fixing to make the same idiot mistake I did. Long Beach State offers four classes that fulfill your physical science GE requirement: Geology, Astronomy, Chemistry, and Physics. That list reads from easiest to hardest—a fact of which I was blissfully unaware when I enrolled in the class. See, I’m a creative writing major. An art fart. I look at mathematics like most people look at sewer rats: with an involuntary shudder of distaste. As an English major, I passed my one required math class, Math 112 (College Algeba), and then ran out like a man escaping San Quentin. How free I felt—I’d never have to take another math class for the rest of my life!
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
But a couple years passed… my memory grew hazy… and, when it came time for me to address my physical science GE, I got this artsy-fartsy notion one day. I thought, “Hey, I’m interested in the world around me… why don’t I take physics and find out what it’s all about? It’ll be fun!”—so I snubbed out my joint and signed on up.
First off, physics is very interesting. It’s just difficult as all hell. Even taking it spread over a whole semester is challenging enough; but trying to absorb it all in six weeks, like I did, is like trying to shove a block of cement up your nose. Two hours of lecture each day, a three-hour lab every other day, a test at the end of every week… AND IT’S ALL MATH. The teacher was up at the board, working out complex equations as if he ate them for breakfast, and I was still stuck on how to divide fractions. I gave up on understanding; I just copied it all down symbol-for-symbol and hoped I’d get it later (which I didn’t). Tutoring, study sessions, homework, class notes… frustrated, confused, and frantic, I spent nearly seven hours a day on this class—and only managed to pass with a lucky “C.” My biggest gripe is that I actually like physics a lot, because it opens up new ways of thought. For example, I learned how to stop taking gravity for granted. Instead of just walking on the ground because that’s what people do, I realized that the earth was sucking me down to itself. Just try sitting quietly in a chair and feeling the
By Noah Karp earth pulling you down, and tell me it’s not frickin’ strange. I discovered why ice skaters spin faster with their arms in, and why a shorter punch hurts more, and I loved it. But I hate the math. I can get the ideas, sure—but when you plop a problem in front of me asking the speed of a 5-kg. ball dropped from a height of yadda yadda after blah dee blah seconds, and I freeze. I don’t know math that well, but I should have in that class. So, what I’m saying is not that physics sucks, but just that my class did. Unless y’all out there are brushed up to a high gloss on your pre-calculus, then stick to a semester-long physics class, because doing it in a matter of weeks will kill your desire to see it ever again. Physics math is knowledge and application, and if you’re lacking in either, it’s a killer. Rewarding, but killer. It’s only now that I’m distanced enough from the trauma that I can share it with you. For people like me, who only wish to see numbers when they’re written on paychecks, it’s better just to take geology and get it over with. Otherwise, you’ll be dealing with a whole lot of friction.
Top 7 Costumes Not To Wear This Year 1. Austin Powers (and related characters)—You’re sad and have no imagination. Plus, if you’ve seen enough movies you have probably realized that these ones just are not that chock-full of hilarity. 2. Hippies—Unless your boyfriend is going as Jim Morrison, then you have no reason to wear Elton John sunglasses or anything with a peace sign on it. Besides, if you do, you’re most likely the neatest, cleanest, best-smelling hippie ever to come along. 3. Glowing Jason Mask—There were 11 movies featuring Jason, and you couldn’t even get the right mask from any one of them (8 with a hockey mask, 1 with a futuristic metal mask for all you technicality hall monitors out there). The only way this will ever become acceptable is if Jason kills some retarded kid who brought one to the camp and something in his waterlogged brain spurs him to pick it up and put it on—but if that ever does get put on celluloid then I will probably drown myself in a lake. Oh, and please don’t carry a chainsaw or butcher knife if you’re going to be Jason. Stick to a machete or even something creative, like a corkscrew. He was an imaginative killer; hell, half the time he just used his bare hands.
4. Pirate—You better plan on doing some raping and pillaging, or else you’re just a pussy with a furry cap on. A pirate is really just a wino/bum from the 1700s; they filled their cups of change by raiding other ships on the seas, the way a hobo might sail along the gutter water to find a penny. Once you understand that, then you just might be ready to be a pirate. page
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5. Random 80’s Clothing—We get it. People wore bad clothes then, and the only way you could make a costume was by raiding your relatives’ closets or digging around at Goodwill. You are really telling everyone that you just “settled” on that costume for this year.
6. Scream Killer (Ghostface)— You might as well put on a white sheet and cut two holes out for eyes. I would choose even the bum costume over this one. 7. Costumes that don’t deviate from who you are in your normal life—If you dress up as a baseball player for this festive occasion and you play baseball in your spare time, then you should be stabbed by the guy with the glowing Jason mask. You don’t even deserve to be killed by someone who wore a good costume. You completely missed the entire point of Halloween.
Now for the costumes that probably shouldn’t be worn, but may be acceptable for this year. However, watch out, because you are treading water. 1. Rick James—If you’re going to go as him, you better have the unity ring and know at least 12 of his songs by heart. Otherwise, you’re just a crazy black man. 2. Napoleon Dynamite and related characters—Same as Rick James. You saw something and decided to dress up as it, thinking it would be a funny little wink and nod to everyone who had seen it. Well you just picked the one inside joke costume that everyone’s in on and only other ‘tards like you would think is clever. There is a fairly good chance that your sense of humor just consists of movie quotes. In the end, all I am trying to say is if you want to look like a douche in an Austin Powers getup, thinking that you are being “quirky” and “tongue-firmlyin-cheek,” then be my guest; but expect to get your fake British dentures shoved firmly up your ass by the guy in the Wolfman costume. By Mike “Beef” Pallotta
Editor-in-Chief Patrick Dooley Managing Editors Dan Steinbacher Brian Dunning Associate Editor Natalie Vratney News Director Amanda Parsons Executive Section Editors Opinions Noah Karp News Andrew J. Loyola Feature Brian Dunning Entertainment Katie Wynne Music Conor Izzett Literature Mike Guardabascio Sports J.J. Fiddler Comics Andrew Wilson Creative Arts Mike Turner Random Reviews Patrick Dooley Grunion Pineablo Public Relations Music & Entertainment Matt Dupree Literature Mike Guardabascio Photography Editor Alisha Willis Advertising Representative Elijah Bates Graphic Design Brian Dunning Web Design Jeff Gould Mary Koestner Cover By Jeff Gould Illustration Editor Miles Lemaire Distribution Mike Guardabascio Copy Editor Noah Karp Contributors Ray Duran, Kevin Malinowski, Elijah Bates, Victor Camba, Sean Boulger, Jeffrey Spafford, Jesse Gayda, Dominic McDonald, Rachel Woodford, Joey Calmer, Giuliano De Pieri, Jen Perry, Mathew Lavery, Ryan ZumMallen, Jessica Deahl, Caroline Sinay, Stacy Musgrave, Mike Pallotta, Kenneth Hardy, Jeremiah Mendoza, Brian Harris, Casey Curran, Christine Johnson, Melissa Tendencia, Matt Byrd, Philip Vargas Disclaimer and Publication Information The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding by the Associated Students, Inc. All editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union, the A.S.I., or CSULB. All students are welcome to be a part of the Union staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 300 words. Letters to the editor will always take precedence over prior in-house content when received. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available at the AS Business office. Any person taking more than 1 copy of the Union must first contact the Union for permission, and is subject to a possible fee.
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By Stacy Musgrave
High school is for is supposed to prepare people for what’s to come. For all of us here at CSULB, that meant getting us ready for college. But for some, it’s less about learning than it is about “doing the time.” Most of these people hide from the system by disguising their potential, as if putting on a mask to avoid attention from teachers, administrators, and even their parents. I recently started working at a high school in the area, assisting with a class that was created to help over 200 seniors pass the exit exam. (For those of you lucky enough to escape the drudgery, this exam tests your ability to make sense of diagrams and to solve basic algebraic equations like x + 2 = 5.) Sadly, most of these seniors are stuck in a rut. They have been dubbed “the dumb ones,” “almost drop-outs,” and “special needs.” For high-schoolers, this is a death sentence. Everyone who remembers searching the cafeteria for a familiar face, for a place where he or she is welcome, knows the importance of normalcy in high school. While it would be easy for me badmouth these kids in the back room with other teachers, I can’t bring myself to do it. When I stand before the class, explaining how to convert a decimal into a percentage, I see past the label, past the mask. Rather than the apathetic girl, I see the girl that goes home every day and speaks Spanish until her face is blue because her parents don’t understand a word of English. Instead of the retarded scary guy, I see the young man that leaves the school grounds and enters a battleground where parties and drugs narrate his evenings. Rather than a group of failures, I see the next generation—lacking encouragement, resources and hope. I see a fallen generation that will rely on food stamps and welfare to make it through life because they never learned the importance of diligence and self-respect in their younger years. Yes, these kids should work harder in school, but I can’t help but feel that in many ways, their situation results from circumstances far beyond their control. There is a colossal gap between the system and the student that is impeding their success. The girl that doesn’t understand how to distribute “-3” over an equation isn’t stupid in math; she just hasn’t learned enough English to understand the question. Who passed her through three levels of high school English when she clearly doesn’t understand it? The guy that goes home and smokes himself into unconsciousness should kick the habit, but where are his parents telling him to do so and why doesn’t the teacher say anything? And about the teacher… the students don’t recognize her desire to help; in fact, they only see an angry pothead (the students are convinced of this because of her hippie pot-smoking style)! Why don’t they understand that she is the last person that they will deal with in high school who is working to help them out? Why don’t they want their diplomas? They are too busy juggling the different faces of high-school life to recognize what is important in the here-and-now. I don’t excuse these kids for their failure, but they are not the only party to blame in the matter. Miscommunication or a total lack thereof, between parents, teachers and students, has left behind twenty percent of the seniors. Why do these kids carry the label of “stupid” when, in fact, they don’t know how to take off the mask and face reality?
Life As A Knott’s Monster
By Kenneth Hardy Love Halloween? Ever thought of becoming a Halloween Haunt monster? Well, if you answered yes to both of those, here or some dark truths that exist underneath the fake blood and sweaty masks. First off, there is a hierarchy at Knott’s Scary Farm. There are street monsters that have been working “Haunt” longer than most of us college students have been alive, which leads to their huge egos and apathetic scares. Don’t get me wrong, though—not all the old, veteran monsters are like that. For example, my Dad has been working there for nine years, and he does a great job scaring the shit out of guests. I started working at Scary Farm last year. Usually, you would have to work in some bullshit maze, but my dad got me straight into working on the streets. I have been going to Scary Farm since I was 10 year old and I loved everything about it. So, naturally, I thought going in and transforming into a scary monster would be fun and carefree. That wasn’t the case. Every day, I have to deal with getting punched or some kind of “monster” drama. Some people are just stupid! Where is the fun in paying close to 40 dollars to come into an amusement park and hit an entertainer? People must have pretty low self-esteem to punch someone wearing a mask in the back of the head. Every night, all of us monsters have to watch each other’s backs. On some nights it’s worse; for example, on weekends when it is sold out and Power 106 is there, you get a lot of gang members and wannabe tough guys. I remember once a little nine-year-old kid told me to “fuck off.” Where are these kids parents? Jeebus! Also, they sell alcohol in the park, so you get those nasty-ass drunk skanks wanting to rub their body on you and take pictures. The worst part of haunt is the drama. All the monsters love to talk about other people’s problems. It is pretty freakin’ lame! Who gives a poop about “who is going out with who” and “who is going to get a makeup spot” or “who is getting out on streets next year.” It is like high school all over again. Most of the drama stems from the Golden Haunt Award, given at the end of the year to the best maze and street area. We are all out there doing the same thing, why should we compete for this crappy award given by Knott’s?! I’m not saying that being a monster is bad. It is a pretty sweet job, when it comes down to it. You meet some great people and there are fun events that take place after work, like broomball and the skate night costume party. Also, you get to brag to your friends that you scare people for a living, which is totally awesome. Even with all the really lame setbacks, I absolutely love working Haunt! Besides, where else do you get to scare the shit out of people and get paid for it?
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
High School Lows
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POINT/COUNTERPOINT: By Natalie Vratney
By JJ Fiddler
When it comes to having a relationship, whether it’s dating, hooking up, or an actual boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, guys seem to hold a majority of, if not all of, the power.
When I say “power,” I mean being the person holding the whip. Guys do this by playing on girls’ insecurities, and there are many of their behaviors that lead me to this assumption.
For men, in the end goal of the majority of relationships is sex. Not to say that sex is the end of a relationship, but that is as far as most guys care to see, because it is such a monumental act. The question is, who holds the keys to the car that will take you to Pleasure Town? Answer: the female.
The first is in regards to calling and plan making. Why don’t guys call when they say they will? Easy—they like to make girls wait. Guys sometimes have the ability to make a girl stress out by not calling, to make her drop everything when she finally receives the call, and then to convince her to completely change her plans and hang out on their time. It doesn’t end there; plans have yet to be established. Guys don’t make plans—they like to see all of their options first, and go from there. In the meantime, the girls think they have plans. The conversation goes something like this: “Hey what are you doing tonight? Nothing, you say? Oh, well, let’s hang out. I’ll call you.” What he forgets to say is, “I’ll call you around 11pm, after I am positive there is nothing else better to do and the game is over.” Also, guys have a tendency to be distant, which is a great tactic to make a girl worried. One minute the guy is all over the girl—and, next thing she knows, he is distant. It’s obvious that something is wrong when the guy says, “Nothing is wrong; I’m just tired.” What he really means is, “I’m tired of you.” A guy being inconsistent with his behavior is key; it gets the girl wondering, and she often asks the question, “What did I do wrong?” Nothing, ladies. We did nothing wrong. And you guys then wonder why girls get psycho. The final behavior, which usually occurs once the guy is aware of his power, deals with defining the relationship. In this instance, guys are famous for saying, “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” Unlike girls, who tell you up front when they are not interested, guys tend to drag it out to see how far they can get. That phrase usually means two things. “I only want to call you when I want sex,” or “I want a relationship… just not with you.” Ladies get caught up in this situation one way or the other; it’s hard to avoid. The guy seems really into her, makes her feel desired, convinces her that sleeping with him will make the relationship better—and then, once it’s time to verbally take the next step, that’s when he’s suddenly “not ready.” This cop-out allows guys to have their cake and eat it too. For a guy, it’s as simple as showing a spark of interest in a girl, then totally ignoring her. She gets curious, and that’s when he knows he’s in. Now, it may seem as though I am over-generalizing by saying every guy is like this, but every guy has the ability to do this, whether he is aware of it or not. Even the “nice guy” who claims he doesn’t act this way can turn the game around. If you want to tell me that this isn’t true, then you just haven’t met enough guys.
Who makes the plans to meet the parents, and who obliges? Who will expect plans to be made for a six-month anniversary? But who will walk three blocks in the rain for a condom? All in the name of getting some... I know—no self-respecting man wants to admit he is not in control. But when was the last time you heard a guy say, “I don’t think I’m going to sleep with her just yet.” Or, my favorite: “Instead of staying inside and fucking ‘till I can’t keep my eyes open anymore, can we go out to dinner?” Okay, so I took a little liberty with the last one, but you get my point. It all starts with the courtship process, and girls don’t realize the power they possess. If a guy is being “distant,” then the logical explanation is not that he is uninterested. If he were, he wouldn’t make the effort to talk on the phone or make plans at six in the evening. A distant guy, to a girl, is a cool, calm, and collected man to his peers. And, for most men, what his friends think is near the top of the “important stuff” list. Okay, think of courting as hunting. Most guys see a desirable female as a target—or as prey, if you will. You can’t walk up to a deer and grab its antlers; you have to sneak up on it and make it think that everything is hunky-dory. Wait, that sounded like I was comparing girls to deer. Well, now that I think about it… Girls are like deer. They are cagey, aware, beautiful creatures that want nothing more than to be left in peace. A deer might peek its head out in order to retrieve nutrients, but most of the time you can’t find one when you want one. Bottom line, you can’t be upfront with a deer, because it will just run away. You have to be tricky, luring it out with the promise of snacks and safety. You can’t let the deer know that the treats have any ulterior motive. But most of the time, the deer know that anyway. They seem to know everything. Most guys give themselves way too much credit. Memo to men: She knows you want to have sex. Your snacks and safety are wasted. You cannot hide your desire by acting aloof or “distant.” This isn’t about who makes the decisions, but who makes the other person make the decisions. Girls, ask a guy who is interested in you to stand on his head. See what happens.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
America’s Drinkaphobia Now I know this has been discussed and lamented over numerous times, but I feel that it is still a major social issue, something that deserves to have light shone on it, and most of all I think that is it is a cultural problem in America. That’s right—21 is an arbitrary and possibly harmful age to legalize drinking, and it should be reduced. It may be a hackneyed subject, but I don’t think enough can be said about it. The legal drinking age in America is 21, and this is something that still requires some kind of dialogue, on the social as well as health-conscious level. This age is an arbitrary and even dangerous number that restricts the consumption of the most historical drink in nearly every civilization’s history. In many countries, particularly in Europe, the consumption of alcohol is seen as a rite of passage. You turn a certain age, like 14 or 16, and you have your first beer with your father in the local pub. This introduces you to the responsibilities and the leisure of adulthood. Compare that to the American experience of drinking cheap vodka in an alley, or in the house of someone whose parents don’t care, after
getting a bum to buy you the drink, or just stealing it. It seems to me that something is amiss in this country. Furthermore, the age 21 is a joke, simply put. 16 is driving, 18 is voting, 17 to join the military—but still no drinking. It sets up a kind of taboo around the idea of drinking, along with the mass portrayals of only irresponsible drinking. It is good to show the dangers of drinking irresponsibly, but when there is no positive image of a person who can drink responsibly and not drive or kill someone else, antidrinking ads start looking like Reefer Madness. For me, as a veritable minor, it is easier to obtain illegal drugs than it is to obtain alcohol. This is especially true during high school, where pot and even meth are becoming increasingly popular. Why not lower the age and let parents bond with their children in a responsible way? Getting drunk with your old man seems like a weird thing of the past, when actually it could be the best way to keep your kids safe. Less binge drinking and more positive feelings might ensue. You never know—if you could drink at 18, or even 16, there might be less crime in general and less social
A Call to All Concerned Citizens
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The World Can’t Wait: Drive out the Bush Regime! On November 2nd, 2005, there will be mass demonstrations and walk-outs across the country in over 20 states. This is in response to the oppressive and murderous policies that the Bush administration has implemented in Iraq, their criminal negligence of and utter contempt for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, their spending of billions and billions of dollars to fight wars (when L.A. alone contains over 80,000 homeless people and schools that can’t educate properly), the imperialist and capitalist policies that the U.S government has implemented since its founding, the enforcing of a Euro-centric culture throughout the popular media, the male domination of ALL women, exploitative and criminal policies towards immigrants and people of color, the illegal torture of prisoners of war, and many, many more crimes. This day of protest will occur on the “anniversary” of Bush’s re-election and is intended to be a public statement that we as a people and as a human race are
Sorry to say it, fellas, but we are trout swimming upstream on this one. Our only saving grace is that most females are unaware that they control the current.
fed up with this administration’s bullshit. This will also be a day that we criticize the current two-party system we have—Democrats/Republicans—and recognize that it is not in our best interests for positive change. Politics as usual will not cut it anymore. We also recognize a very real threat from the religious right (a.k.a Christian fascists) to impose a theocracy on this country, and that is not acceptable. (Don’t be misled by the “Christian fascist” statement. It is in reference to those power whores who use religion for economic or political gain and is not intended to alienate people of the Christian faith.) We call on the students at California State University, Long Beach, to take up this call and join us in Los Angeles at 12pm for demonstrations taking place all along Wilshire Boulevard, from downtown to Santa Monica. The protests will culminate in a rally at the Westwood Federal Building at 5pm. November 2nd is a Wednesday, and we urge all students who are willing and able to skip school to come to L.A. and join in the protests. We also urge faculty members and employees
By Michaël Veremans problems (less rape at parties, less alcohol poisoning). The emphasis now is on negative aspects of drinking and on punishment, not on responsibility for young adults, who are inevitably trapped in a religious dead end. Prohibition didn’t work, and neither do our current alcohol laws. It should be noted that I am writing this while drunk. All I’m trying to say is that we should re-open a dialogue of responsibility and start trusting the youth, instead of treating them like an unruly minority. You don’t want to have the future of America obsessed with a weird taboo about one of the oldest institutions in the world. Let’s let freedom reign. Happy Oktoberfest.
By James Yamanoha to walk off the job or take the day off to join. Nothing in this country has ever just “happened.” The Civil Rights movement didn’t just “happen,” the struggle for women’s rights didn’t just “happen”… In this country, we have always had to fight long and hard for what is right and true. No one will give us freedom unless we demand it from our oppressors! Mobilize on November 2nd, 2005, and help show the world that this bullshit has got to stop. For more information, contact james_ yamanoha@hotmail.com or call 310-809-7349. You can also visit the national website: www. worldcantwait.org for more information.
news
Indian Burial Grounds CSULB President Announced Fate Unknown
By Amanda Parsons
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
The future of Puvungna lies uncertain, because with President Maxson’s retirement, his promise to preserve the sacred Indian burial grounds from the destruction of being developed is retired with him. When President Maxson came to CSULB in 1995, he announced that he would preserve the Indian burial grounds, on the western edge of campus known as Puvungna, and prohibit construction on the lands as long as he held office. Maxson is no longer president here, leaving the future of Puvungna uncertain. Puvungna was discovered in 1972, when campus workmen uncovered portions of an Indian body on the area. Two years later, the site was added to the National Register of Historic Places as a way to preserve “the memory of these native peoples and their religion.” In 1979, Indian students received the honor of reburying the human remains of their ancestors on the site, following a long struggle with CSU officials. Officials decided to develop the area in 1992, covering two acres of community garden plots planted by community members on the first-ever Earth Day with a temporary parking lot. Students across campus, as well as community members, joined the Committee to Save the Organic Gardens, signing petitions and using slogans like “Save it, don’t pave it!” and “Let my people grow!” “Officials turned a deaf ear to community protests,” the Background of the Puvungna and the Sacred Site Struggle website states, “and filed a Negative Declaration as required by state environmental law before the parking lot could be built. The Negative Declaration stated that there were ‘no cultural resources on the site.’ This is when the compost hit the fan, so to speak.” The compost that the website refers to is the ensuing battle that followed. Indians objected to the Negative Declaration’s claim of the land is holding no cultural resources and pointed to the site’s listing on the National Register of Historic Places as well as the University-placed sign labeling the site where the human remains had been reburied. The sign states, “Gabrielino Indians once inhabited this site, Puvungna, birthplace of Chungichnish, law-giver and god.” Campus officials suggested that a “cultural review” be held in response to the protests, in order to determine whether or not the lands could be deemed a cultural resource. The method of cultural review consisted of an archeological dig which would backhoe 20-meter-long trenches every 20 meters and essentially destroy the gardens. Indians pitched tents and began a prayer vigil to protect the site, which prompted campus officials to threaten arrest. The American Civil Liberties Union, or ACLU, entered the case and obtained a preliminary injunction that halted any digging, for construction or for archeological purposes, until a decision was made in court. “This case is about the First Amendment rights of Native Americans to whom Puvungna is sacred,” Raleigh Levine of the ACLU stated. “They have the right to freely exercise their beliefs without the state stepping in to pave over their place of worship and put a mini-mall on it.” “In April 1995 the California court of appeal overturned the trial court opinion,” state the CSU Board of Trustee’s Minutes for Mar 14, 2000, “ruling that because it is a part of the state the CSU lacks standing to challenge the constitutionality of the statute which permitted the plaintiffs to file this suit. The CSU’s petition to the California Supreme Court was denied. The parties are engaged in settlement discussions. Plaintiffs’ counsel has not responded to a CSU proposal for many months. The trial court has not resumed its jurisdiction over the remaining claim.” The most recent account, found was in 2002, stated that the situation remains unchanged. Current CSULB Provost Gary Reichard announced last week that because CSULB is expected to grow to 31,000 full-time students in a few years, one campus concern is where to house the new students. “We need to figure out if we need those lands,” Reichard said. He also suggested setting aside an area of one and a half acres as a tribute to the burial grounds. The question of what will happen to the human remains displaced by the possible construction also attracts turmoil. According to the Native American Graves Protection and Reparation Act, or NAGPRA, all universities had to initiate a process of documenting and returning all Native American remains, burial objects, sacred objects, and cultural artifacts to the survived and affected Native American tribes. Continued on Page 7
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By Amanda Parsons
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hancellor Reed and the CSU Board of Trustees announced Thursday that F. King Alexander will be CSULB’s sixth President, effective shortly after the first of the year. Alexander is currently the President at Murray State University in Kentucky. The student population there is only a third the size of CSULB. He became President of Murray after his father, Kern, in 2001. Alexander is a widower with 2 young children. He is expected to be on staff at CSULB for a minimum of ten years. Alexander, 41, was chosen from four candidates each with outstanding qualifications. The final two candidates were Alex-
ander and Gary Reichard, current Provost of CSULB. The decision to appoint Alexander, a candidate from outside of this campus, instead of promoting within with Reichard, came as a shock to some faculty members. “Reichard is the obvious choice,” one CSULB professor stated before the decision was announced. “Promoting within means that nothing will change, no one will lose their job, and some people will be getting promoted.” “[Alexander] impressed us with his answers,” AS President Jaime Pollock said. “He will make an excellent president.” Alexander said his new job as President is “a great honor and, indeed, a significant professional challenge.” Robert Maxson said in a news release Thursday, “I know that
the campus community will join me in welcoming Dr. Alexander. Let’s all show our Beach pride.” Maxson will stay on staff, assisting Chancellor Reed and assisting Alexander to make a smooth transition into the presidency.
F. King Alexander was chosen as CSULB’s sixth University President on Thursday.
Rec Center Survey Controversy By Rachel Woodford CSULB students were sent an email survey designed to fairly and accurately analyze every student’s interest in building a rec center on campus, but some consider the survey to be flawed. The survey asked a variety of questions regarding recreational interests, how much time invested in sports and outdoor activities, and how much extra tuition a student would be willing to pay for a new recreational center, if any at all. The debate regarding a new recreational center on campus has been going on for a substantial period of time. While the ASI is a supporter of the recreational center, groups such as Campus Progressives, the Muslim Students Association, Action in Defense of Education, La Raza Student Association, and African Student Union strongly oppose the idea. With the addition of a new rec center, tuition is most likely to increase anywhere between $110 to $190 dollars per year. The total construction cost is estimated to be $48 million. Janette Gradney, a first-year student at CSULB, said she received the email and completed it so she would qualify for the drawing for free tuition. “It was easy. All I did was click on the link in the email and answer the questions. There were signs up for it all over campus too. It’s not like people should be scrambling to fill out a survey anyway.” Others felt differently about this issue. Elissa Hererra, AS Senator for the College of Education, co-wrote an article online titled, “CSULB Students Ripped Off by Marketing Company.” The marketing company referred to is Brailsford & Dunlavy, a facility planning company hired by ASI to poll the students at CSULB via email. Brailsford & Dunlavy has been accused of “milking CSULB for more money,” basically by not providing an honest survey. ASI paid the company roughly $80,000 to conduct the survey, which makes some people believe they were paid to turn the survey
results in favor of what the ASI supports. Jamie Pollock, President and CEO of Associated Students Inc., said, “Brailsford and Dunlavy is a credible company that does many surveys for college campuses.” In fact, they have done over 100 student athletics and recreation projects for college campuses across the country. The article also insinuated that the survey flaw was not an accident. Some students complained that were unable to take the survey—either they never received the email, or the website which was provided denied access due to “invalid information.” The problem may result from first establishing a CSULB email account when enrolling at CSULB; signing up for their email accounts, students had the option to deny corporate solicitation, which includes surveys such as the one regarding the rec center. Students who took advantage of this option did not receive the survey. “The survey was not conducted with the intention of excluding any student’s vote,” an anonymous source involved with the ASI government stated. “There may have been technical problems with the email format, but it was absolutely not the goal to disallow students to voice their opinion. Individuals who have been saying ASI did not give students equal representation are using the technicalities of the issue to force their own opinions and badmouth the opposing views.” Overall, the majority of CSULB students seem to be unconcerned with the survey. “Of course I didn’t take that survey. I remember seeing it and deleting it with the rest of my junk mail,” Alan Smith, a fifth-year student said. The survey was intended to calculate the opinions of all the students at CSULB. Depriving select students the chance to do that would fail to meet that goal. Those who put out the survey state the fact that they did not exclude anyone from participating on purpose.
Proposed Policy Divides Senate By Natalie Vratney The proposed Executive Fellowship Policy sparked much debate at last Wednesday’s senate meeting, due to its reduction of the AS Administrator and Chief of Staff’s office hours to 20 hours per week as opposed to the required 32 office hours for the other executive officers: president, vice president and treasurer. The current chief of staff is Robert Godina and Sally Bullquerin is the appointed AS administrator. During the motion to approve, Pollock went before the Senate, expressing her concern about whether the hours for the chief of staff would be decreased, however not expressing the same concern for the administrator. “The chief of Staff serves students, not the president. By cutting back [Godina’s] hours, you will not be hurting me. It will add onto my work load, but it also takes away from the students,” Pollock said. The official job of the chief of staff is to be the senior policymaking advisor to the administration and the ranking member of the AS president’s cabinet. He or she is to assist the president as is deemed necessary, and to supervise, coordinate, and advise cabinet secretaries. No final decision was made during the meeting, and it was sent back to the Board of Controls meeting
where it will be re-evaluated for its costs and benefits. That meeting will be held Tuesday at 3:30 in the Senate chambers. Much of this debate arises from the addition of the chief of staff as an executive officer. This addition, which was originally proposed by former AS President Mike Johnson last February, was set into action and Godina was named Chief of Staff for the fourth executive officer. Pollock went before the Judiciary board last Monday for her alleged violation of Chapter 2 Article II of the bylaws. There was a proposed amendment to reduce the administrator’s position to a cabinet level and to have the chief of staff remain as the fourth executive position thus “replacing” the administrator. The amendment failed to get approved by the Senate, which technically keeps the administrator at an executive position, which now creates five executive officer positions. The failed amendment is tied to the proposed Executive Fellowship Policy, which treats both the administrator and chief of staff as equals in terms of required office hours. According to AS Vice President Hironao Okahana, both positions are at an executive level and of equal Continued on Page 7
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Stolen Flag Returned to CSULB By Ray Duran On September 13, CSULB Alumni Jim Shoults and his wife visited campus to return the official school “Victory Flag,” which was stolen from the campus over forty years ago. The flag was used in sporting events as the official school symbol whenever a CSULB team won an event. Although the theft was originally meant as a prank to spark school spirit, the thieves were met with disappointment, as little to no reaction came from the campus or authorities. Eventually the thieves returned it to Mr. Shoults, who at the time was the Associated Student Body Treasurer. “CSULB was a commuter school, though these days things are different. The campus has changed drastically. It sill is a commuter campus, but back in my day it was practically nothing but. There was very low school spirit and it was stolen in the hopes of getting people involved. Personally, I really was surprised at how little that Flag meant to most of the people on the campus. In fact, I was even more surprised when I asked a lot of students if they missed it, and they said, ‘What flag?’” Mr. Shoults and several fellow students tried to publicize
the theft through many avenues, including the campus newspaper. The thieves eventually returned the flag to Mr. Shoults with the agreement that their identities would never be revealed. Mr. Shoults then placed the flag in a box with some other campus memorabilia and completely forgot he had it. “After the flag was returned to me, I remember speaking with the ASB President, Vice President, and Dean Lois Swanson concerning what she should do with the flag. Just put it back on the flagpole, or try again to stir up student pride? We all agreed: let’s keep trying to develop student pride. So, I put it in a box for safekeeping and, over the ensuing months, forgot about it, as did everyone else. Through the years, that box kept moving right along with the rest of my personal belongings. One day my wife and I were cleaning out the garage and purging things that should have been disposed of years earlier. I opened this dusty cardboard box and, there it was!” After getting in contact with the campus about his discovery, Mr. Shoults made the time to come out and visit. Among those who met him was Richard Haller, the Executive Director of ASI. “We had a wonderful visit with Mr. Shoults and his wife
Parking Citations Raise $13 Million per Year in Long Beach By Pete Marchica The city of Long Beach generated over thirteen million dollars from parking citation in the last fiscal year, raising the question of what the city plans to do to fix the city’s obvious parking issues. Glen Danielson, a Long Beach Police officer and fifteen-year veteran in the parking enforcement department, was kind enough to speak out regarding Long Beach’s parking troubles. The average parking officer’s day is ten hours long, and Danielson estimated writing an average of 50 parking tickets each day. The most frequently written tickets other than for street sweeping, are for expired meters and carry a fee of $30. “Expired meters are my least favorite ticket to write,” Danielson commented. “I know that parking is difficult for these people who live in the area, and if I can cut slack… for example, on Thursdays, on Ocean Blvd., it’s street sweeping on one side. So I’ll see people parked in the red and unmarked crosswalks, anybody parked there, and I’ll ignore them.” Despite parking officers’ leniency to some Long Beach citizens, over one million dollars are generated in parking citations a month. In the fiscal year beginning October 1, 2004 and ending September 30, 2005, officers issued over 350,000 parking citations, generating a total revenue of $13,665,000. “I had to pay over $600 in parking tickets this year,” a CSULB senior griped. “It is just ridiculous. My building doesn’t have parking and my neighborhood has three different street sweeping times, all from 4am to 8am. I am not going to wake up at that time of night and walk to my car alone in that neighborhood just to drive around for another hour looking for parking in an area where there isn’t street sweeping.” “The funds generated [from parking tickets] are distributed through the city,” Sheryl Black, a city hall employee stated. She would not elaborate further. “I don’t have information [on what the money generated from parking citations is used for],” Jim Gooden, Business Services Officer for the City of Long Beach, stated. “And I don’t know who would.”
The Long Beach city assistant auditor reported that $11 million of the money collected is placed into a general fund and the remaining goes toward cleaning up the city’s beaches. “I think [the lack of parking in Long Beach] is something that can be addressed,” Danielson said. “I see the city displaying their actions, their awareness of difficult parking circumstances in the 90802 area. I know that it has been discussed, and it is a concern. It has not been ignored.” “I don’t see why the city has to street sweep every week.” CSULB Senior Daniel Steinbacher said. “Why not every other week or once a month?” No information was available as to what the city is planning to do in order to fix the parking problem. While the city continues to generate over one million dollars a month, the solution doesn’t seem to be coming anytime soon. As far as parking on campus is concerned, it is about to get even worse for students. Construction of the second parking structure has been halted becasue of increasing construction costs due to the series of natrual disasters this past year. Construction costs in an average year increase 2 to 2.5 percent, this year they have increased 30 percent. The structure, currently in construction off of Palo Verde, is scheduled to be completed in early fall of 2006. Amanda Parsons Contributed to this article.
ASI Helps Promote Student Voting By Kevin Malinowski
when he returned the flag to us. We gave him a tour of the University Student Union, including the Government Offices, which did not even exist when he was a student. He was amazed at what ASI has become since the days when he was an officer, and he was particularly impressed by the Beach Pride Center and how much campus spirit has grown at CSULB.” Of that campus spirit, Mr. Shoults said, “It really made me feel proud of how beautiful my alma mater is, and especially, what a great Student Union there is for the students, which was our dream of having built someday.”
Senate Policy
Continued from Page 6 importance, but Bulquerin has not been receiving pay as an executive officer--nor has she received a stipend as a supposed member of the AS Cabinet. Godina, on the other hand, has been receiving monthly paychecks as the fourth executive officer, a paycheck that in prior years used to go to the administrator. The amount of pay that Bulquerin will receive after the decision is made is still in question. Bulquerin’s concern is not about the money. She feels that because the administrator’s position was reduced to the cabinet, the position is perceived as having lost importance. “My main concern is not about the money, but of the importance of programming and the respect for commissioners… going from an executive officer to a member of the cabinet does not change the work load that the administrator puts forth,” said Bulquerin. According to the AS bylaw Chapter 2, Article II, which was amended Feb. 2, 2005, the job description of administrator is to supervise, coordinate, advise, and assist in the recruiting the AS Executive Commissioners, oversee the commission, and assume duties of commissioner of any AS executive commission, if a vacancy should occur in any such office. “Meetings are different from planning events, and are just as important… the best solution would be to make both of the positions equal,” Bulquerin said, referring to Godina’s position. There was no resolution at last Monday’s Senate Judiciary hearing. The decision is being postponed until Monday, Oct. 31 at 12:30 p.m.
Burial Grounds Continued from Page 6
The NAGPRA has caused CSULB some problems in the past. Summaries of the archeological collections were to be submitted by November 16, 1993. After the deadline had already passed, CSULB found some unaccounted-for remains and were taken to trial over the issue. The lawsuit included many of the same plaintiffs as the Puvungna lawsuit. The NAGPRA at CSULB organization website posted on July 21, 1995 reads, “CSULB is the only university that has filed a lawsuit over the issue; hundreds of universities nation wide have and continue to comply with the law.” Some faculty argue that the displaced remains could be better used for scientific research and the land better used for new classrooms, more student housing and additional parking. “No one would build on any other cemetery,” 1994 CSULB Graduate Aviss Pikney Bell said. “Why is this one any different?” Currently Puvungna is the site of various Indian ceremonies including the annual Pilgrimage Honoring Our Ancestors, held in October of every year. F. King Alexander, newly announced President of CSULB, has not announced his stance on the future of Puvungna.
abortion is performed. There are possible increases to state costs for health programs and court costs. Proposition 74 aims to increase the trial period for teachers from two years to five. Also, it would make it easier to fire a permanent teacher who receives unsatisfactory evaluations. This may save money in some schools and cost money in others. Proponents of 74 claim it will sift out ineffective teachers and allow more resources to be spent on good teachers, thus improving the quality of schools. Opponents say it adds no additional support to teachers and fails to address important reform issues, such as lack of learning materials and classroom size. Proposition 75 would require government employee unions to get written permission from workers to use union dues from nonunion members as political contributions. Proposition 76 would add a new spending limit, give the governor greater power to cut state spending and change how the minimum funding level is calculated for schools and community colleges. State spending would depend mainly on the decisions of the legislature and the governor. Proposition 77 would change the State Constitution to give the authority to change political district lines every ten years to a panel of three retired judges, instead of the state legislature. The costs for creating new districts would
be about $1.5 million for the state and $1 million for the counties. Proposition 78 would create a new drug discount programs for people who don’t have coverage from government program or private insurance. Proposition 79 would create a program for people not in Medi-Cal and for families with an income of $38,000 for one person or $77,000 for a family of four. Proposition 80 would increase state control over California’s electricity market and make it harder to reduce that control. The costs would be up to $4 million per year, paid by electricity customers. Voter Registration forms are available at the DMV.
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Associated Students Incorporated began its campaign to promote awareness of the upcoming special election on November 8, about various propositions and voter participation. ASI efforts have thus far involved handing out the informative, bipartisan Easy Voter Guide and placing posters sporadically around campus. The guide highlights Propositions 73 through 80, in an attempt to present key points concerning each proposition. Both the arguments for and against each proposition are included. The ASI-sponsored posters boast the slogan “Silence Isn’t Golden,” and remind students of the registration deadline and the date of elections. According to Elena Delgado, assistant secretary of system-wide affairs, ASI intends to continue its campaign by “tabling,” or setting up a table with the hopes of attracting students to its cause. “We want to make the guides more accessible to students,” said Delgado. On the ballot are eight propositions facing California voters. Each proposition has incited strong efforts to support and to oppose. Proposition 73 would change the State Constitution to require parental notification at least 48 hours before an
The CSULB Victory Flag would be raised and waved during home game victories. Photo by Ray Duran.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
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music
Foozer Heats up the LB Arena
By Brian Dunning eadlining under the “Foozer” name, the Foo Fighters and Weezer brought their national tour to Long Beach for two nights. While that name implies an equal share between the two bands, the concert showed that it is merely a catchy name to title the show, with the Foo Fighters absolutely blowing Weezer out of the stadium. The Foo Fighters conquered the stage at Long Beach Arena much in the same way that Led Zeppelin had done in March 1975, and Weezer was simply lucky enough to be onhand to take notes. The show began with indie-pop-rockers Hot Hot Heat taking the stage. Those familiar with the band will be glad to hear that lead singer and keyboardist Steve Bays’ trademark voice lost nothing in the live performance; it was as high and strange as it ever was. Heat had an incredible energy for an opening band, and engaged the crowd with their radio-friendly songs “Bandages,” “Middle of Nowhere,” and their closer “Goodnight, Goodnight.” Weezer took the stage with Rivers Cuomo curiously absent of his signature square specs, and led off with their classic, “My Name is Jonas.” Cuomo repeatedly put down his guitar throughout the show, strutting and shimmying around the stage; it was a strange sight to see, as Cuomo has received criticism in the past for putting on dull, un-engaging performances. But this was a different Weezer than that of past tours–this Weezer was truly having fun on stage–and during an impressive performance of “El Scorcho,” I actually spotted Rivers’ smile. An honest-to-God smile. The highlights of the performance included drummer Pat
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Wilson and Cuomo switching positions for two songs, one being a fantastic cover of Blur’s “Song 2.” After that, Cuomo was escorted to a small stage setup in the middle of the crowd. On this island, under a single spotlight, he played a solo acoustic version of the Olsen-twin favorite “Island in the Sun.” It was cute. They rounded out the set strong, playing high-energy versions of “Hash Pipe” and “Buddy Holly” while their giant “=W=” lighting rig lowered from the rafters, and colorful “=W=” emblazoned confetti rained down on the crowd. Because, of course, nothing says rock-and-roll like colorful confetti. The Foo Fighters took the stage–and the moment they did, completely erased any memory of Weezer playing in the same building. Dave Grohl is a rock-star plain and simple, his unbridled energy opening with “In Your Honor” and “One by One,” blowing the crowd away. Taking a breath
Union Weekly: This is your second tour with Judas
Our very own Giuliano DePieri interviews legendary Anthrax guitarist, Scott Ian while on tour with Judas Priest.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
Priest in the US? Scott Ian: Yes. Our first time touring with Judas Priest was back in 2001. UW: So far, how is the tour going? SI: It’s been great. We play big shows and perform with Judas Priest every night. It’s a win-win situation. UW: Now you have the Among the Living line-up– were there any prior events that led to this reunion? SI: No. It was just a decision that if we didn’t try this now, maybe it would never happen. UW: Was there a spontaneous decision for this reunion? SI: Charlie asked me, and that was it. UW: When you tour from place to place, is there any difference with audiences? SI: Not really. Metal fans are metal fans worldwide–its one big underground family. UW: In your opinion, which country or continent is best and the worst to tour in? SI: It’s not that simple–it does not break down easily. Some cities are better than others that you cannot break it down to a continent. It’s way too broad. Anywhere we go we have fans that come that are great. UW: You’ve done cover songs from different genres. Are there particular favorites that are major music influences?
Cryptopsy Once Was Not Century Media Giuliano De Pieri After five years of patience, Canadian death metallers Cryptopsy are back with a new album. In addition, original vocalist Lord Worm has returned after spending eight years as an English teacher. The new album, Once Was Not, has got to be one of the most unique metal albums of 2005. Mixing in jazz-fusion percussion, melodic classical guitar intros and technical death metal, this album is brutal and spontaneous at the same time. The opening track is a classical guitar instrumental, “Luminum” ripping right into a brutalizing tune, “In the
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Kingdom.” The tracks on the album are very sporadic and chaotic as well. While the songs maintain the death metal standard of brutality, the unpredictable nature cannot be duplicated. In addition, thick basslines with guitar crunches and double-bassdrum peddling are applied along with a professional production. Songs on this album that are most spontaneous are “Keeping the Cadaver Dogs Busy,” “Psalm 91,” and “Angelskingarden.” Also, half of the new tracks contain eerie intros and sound effects, most notable is the instrumental track, “The End” which has non-Western instrumental elements. It is highly recommended that anyone with a heart condition not to listen to this album. The chaotic unpredictability will kill them.
SI: If we covered somebody, it’s a song we know and grew up with. Any cover we’ve done has influenced us in some way. UW: Now these days, Anthrax is getting a lot more merit for mixing rap with metal. But bands doing that today are awful. Any opinions on this? SI: Nah, I never listen to it. It was not a genre I ever had any interest in. It’s not a type of music that I listen to. UW: Metal is still an underground scene, but it’s getting more popular. Do you think it’s from distribution or people getting exposure? SI: No matter how big metal gets, it will always be underground. It doesn’t even matter when Metallica
in between songs, he would seamlessly engage the crowd with some rock banter, claiming that his mission was to “convert all the Weezer fans into drunk, sloppy Foo Fighters,” and that though he was hung over, he took solace in the fact that when he went to work today, he’d be able to “shove some rock up your butts.” And he did. The Foo Fighters have a staggeringly good collection of material to work from, and it is sometimes hard to realize that this is the same band that formed immediately following the demise of Nirvana. As they blew through the songs, playing extraordinary renditions of “Learn to Fly,” “DOA,” and “Breakout,” I began to realize that this is one of the best bands in rock today; the talents of Dave Grohl as lead guitarist and front man, combined with Taylor Hawkins on drums are a combo that’s hard to beat. The main highlights were a ten-to-twelve minute version of “Stacked Actors” that included Grohl, mid-song, sprinting out with guitar in hand to the same island Cuomo played on earlier to entertain the crowd in the cheap seats, and an amazing five-minute solo by Hawkins on drums. And, as a true crowd-pleaser, Grohl took over on drums for “A Cold Day in the Sun,” before closing with a solo version of “Everlong.” sold millions of records in the early 90s and even with bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest, it’s still an underground thing. It does not matter about gaining popularity, it is an underground genre, and that’s the way it should be. Metal does not need to survive on media trends because of fan dedication. UW: What also sticks out is that Anthrax was one of few bands from New York. Was there a different vibe in New York compared to California? SI: I don’t know, because I do not know what the vibe was in California. I don’t know why there were fewer metal bands from New York than from California. UW: Do you have any plans for new material? SI: Once the touring cycle ends, we are hoping to have another studio record out next year. UW: Will the new studio record be with the reunited line-up? SI: I have no idea. I am hoping that the material will give an idea of what will happen. UW: If this reunion does not work, will John Bush be brought back into the band? SI: That I do not know. UW: Any statement that you would like to make for all the college students reading this or anyone getting into metal? SI: Be more open-minded. Put down the hip-hop album and listen to some metal for two minutes. People should be open-minded to music in general. UW: Any final statement you would like to make? SI: No, that’s about it. UW: Well, thanks for your time and good luck with the tour. SI: Awesome. Thank you.
such as “Will the Future Blame Us,” they suggest a peaceful, transcendent Our Lady Peace tone, while in “Wipe that Smile Off Healthy in Paranoid Times Your Face,” Maida threatens violence, Sony By Mike Guardabascio and tries, unsuccessfully, to capture the personal rage that the group seems to be Our Lady Peace’s newest CD is experiencing. difficult to describe. Their strength has On that and other tracks, his voice always been an emotional, personal style seems reigned in, lacking the personality of songwriting, and lead singer Raine and strangeness that has always made Maida’s strange, haunting voice. OLP stand out for me. Their newest CD does not make There are still some good songs on this enough use of either. Rather than CD, though––in particular “Picture,” focusing on personal tragedy, a young “Boy,” and “Al Genina.” Every OLP CD teen sitting alone in a room hating the always seems to have between two and five world, or the death of one man’s father, songs that are as good as anything else I’ve the new CD focuses on the tragedies of ever heard, and this one is no different–– the world: war, rage, fear-mongering. it’s just that the songs in between are much The writing is still good, but clearly in a harder to listen to than they would be on different, less compelling style. In tracks an average CD of theirs.
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Dan Steinbacher sits down with Sage Francis and discusses the real issues. Sage Francis on Beards: I think they grow naturally on faces. Personally, I like to see the potential of my own–it’s got a nice little wave to it that I get excited by because the hair on my head is thin and shitty. I kinda of rely on my facial hair to make me look…youthful, I guess. Sage on Knowmore.org: This is the knowmore.org tour, and Bernard [Dolan] is the guy who started it with me. It was his brainchild, he came up with the concept of a consumer awareness website, basically to put the consumer in the driver’s seat, to find out who owns what company, what they do with their money. If you’re making a purchase for a car, for example, it could either be a Toyota or a Honda- why not research the two companies and find out which one you’d like to give your money to? Vote with your wallet–that’s our slogan. You can go the knowmore.org, research the company, plug in the name, find out who owns it, their political actions, their worker rights- there’s a lot of different categories. It’s also a community based site, if members have information to add, they can add it. If we find out that it’s fraudulent information, we can edit it. It depends on having as many users as possible to get as much information as possible and make it as unbiased as possible. When Bernard presented me with the idea, I was really kind of surprised that it didn’t already exist, but we started a nonprofit organization and I think by the time this tour is over, knowmore.org is going to be huge. If we don’t get killed by the CIA or Illuminati, of course. Sage on Post-Tour Activity and Strange Famous Records: There’s an artist based in Rhode Island named Prolific, and I worked a collaboration between him and Reanimator, who was one of the producers on A Healthy Distrust.
...an Interview by Noah Karp Prolific is an incredible writer, he deserves to be heard, but nothing that’s been put out thus far has really accentuated his attributes as an MC. I’m really excited to sort of grab these two relatively unknown artists, and put them together under Strange Famous Records, because everything I put out, y’know, I want to be a fan of that music, it’ll be music that I think other people should have access to. Bernard Dolan also has a double disk, a very eccentric, highly-developed concept album that has instrumentals, spoken word, hip-hop, that I’ll end up putting out. Figuring all this shit out on my own was pretty hard, and most people don’t have the privilege to have the time to do that. These motherfuckers are still working jobs, they got married or have kids, but they’re still brilliant artists. They’re not able to sacrifice the things that I have, so to use that knowledge, that’s what Strange Famous Records should benefit from and in return help the artists benefit from. Sage On his new live album, Road Tested: It’s a quintessential live album, all my favorite songs from each tour. If you come to a live show, I think most people notice that there’s a different energy to the songs–it’s got its own charm when you do it live. So we captured that, for anyone who hasn’t maybe been able to come to a show, or just wants to relive the experience, it’s there for them. I’ve noticed that when a lot of people put out live albums, it’s just for money, it doesn’t really add anything to the songs, but this is a whole new outfit for my stuff. Sage On His Halloween Costume: I’m gonna go the drugstore and get the last costume, be the least favorite outfit by default. Either that or a desperate housewife, with some cookies, an apron, and a dick in my ass. Something like that.
Recognizing Grateness Grateness Recognizing Recently, we had the opportunity to interview The Grates, a “plunge” band from Australia. This energetic trio kindly stopped by the KBeach studio on campus to be interviewed on our radio show, Music From Another Room. Their latest CD, The Ouch. The Touch. is in stores now, and they are currently in the middle of their U.S. tour. By Jenna Puente & Cathie Chen
“rock star” type of business, like “belonging somewhere” or “making it” or whatever. We just play. That’s been the mindset of this band since we started. It’s still the same today. UW: That’s making it— being able to play every day for people… O: Oh yes—we’re very happy. As I said, there’s some kind of thirst for music that means something, not just run-of-the-mill. Something from the heart. UW: Sure. Do you have any albums that are your personal favorites? O: Right now, this new one… but we have eight records now, and I like all of them for what they are. Blackwater Park, Damnation… Still Life, I think, is really good, from a sheer musical perspective. I kind of get a little bit impressed by myself when I listen to Still Life. It has some parts, I’m like, “How the fuck did I come up with that?” It’s very good—and, for the time, it’s unique. UW: It really is. Y’know, I know people who love your softer side, but as soon as they hear the hard stuff, they get turned off… O: Oh, yeah! For me, death metal was something I didn’t really like. I thought bands like Celtic Frost and Venom were shit when I first heard them, but I got to like them somehow. For a metalhead like myself, born in the ‘70s, it was a natural evolution from Sabbath and Zepplin and Deep Purple to thrash and speed metal, and eventually I got into death metal. It’s just the most aggressive form of music, the ultimate expression of aggressions. The screams—now, I love it. UW: Me too. Oop, I guess the time’s up… O: Yeah, you ready? UW: Yep. Hey, thanks. Great to meet you. O: Thank you. You too.
Alana: That’s terrible! Please don’t ever say that again! Patience: Hey, I said, that’s cool. Plunge, that’s going to be the new “it” thing. I’m going to call some key media and let them know about this… CJ: How did you come up with the title “Sukkafish” for one of your singles? Is it a real fish? Patience: Yeah, sukkafishes are real fishes–they hang around sharks and suck all the crap off their backs. It’s really disgusting. Alana: P.S.–this song is about a man who kills himself and leaves his family. That’s what the lyrics are about. John: You made that up, Alana! CJ: Where’s your favorite place to play at? Alana: The Silverlake Lounge, in LA. Patience: Oui oui…The sounds always good, and the sound engineer there, he’s a cool dude. Alana: And the bartender’s really funny. Patience: It’s just got a really nice vibe. CJ: Is there anything else you’d like to tell your fans? Patience: What up, Mummy? To listen to the full interview, go to www.kbeach. org and listen to the archived show on October 12, 2005, at 1PM. For people seeking music, prizes, and interesting banters, Music From Another Room is broadcast weekly at www.kbeach.org every Friday at 1PM.
music
Cathie & Jenna: When did you guys become a band? Alana: Well, me and John have known each other since year nine, which was about ten years ago. And then Patience came along in year twelve. So we did this thing kind of like, instead of doing a sport, we did grammar instead and won the lottery together, and then we became pen pals, and housemates, and we’ve been a band for about two years now. John: Yeah, it’s going to be like when you turn 40 and you keep saying you’re 30; we’re going to keep saying we’ve been a band for two years for the next ten years. CJ: How did you come up with your band name? The Grates: You know it’s like when you’re in art school and your teacher goes, “Now what does this mean?” and then you have to make up some meaning for it because you really didn’t put any thought into it to begin with because you were really just trying to express yourself. We changed our band name like every two weeks, and this just happened to be the one we had when we started getting played on the radio. We sucked so bad we were going to change our band name every show, so that no one remembered how bad we were and would keep coming to see us. Then it’d be like, “Yeah, there’s this cool band, I’ve never heard of them, they must be really fresh.” CJ: We love your album covers – who designs them? The Grates: We all do, together. We draw our own bits and fight about how it goes together. John’s got the computer, so he’s got the final say. We have to do it in little sections to minimize the fighting. CJ: What kind of music do you play? John: Trashy pop, I guess it varies. Our manager calls it “plunge”: pop, love, grunge.
Union Weekly: So, how’s the tour going? Opeth: Good. It gets tiring, flying between these first 5 or 6 gigs—you’re jetlagged and you basically don’t get any sleep. Your immune system goes down, you get ill, I get a vocal cord infection… But the shows are really good. We’re very tired, but I don’t think it shows. UW: It doesn’t, not at all. I was wondering, what’s your take on the current music scene in your guys’ vein? O: I don’t know… I don’t know what other bands are in our style—I haven’t really heard many bands like us—but the metal scene in general, I don’t really think much about it. Today’s scene is very strong, in terms of the number of bands, but originality- and creativity-wise, I think, it’s kind of suffering. So I’m not too interested, to be honest. But then again, that’s just my taste. I tend to listen to older music, but there is a new band once in a while that I really enjoy, like Mastodon, so there’s still some hope. UW: Okay... so, what do you think Opeth adds to the musical scene? O: Well, I don’t see us as part of that scene in that sense that we belong somewhere… we just do our music for ourselves, pretty much, and I guess there’s been some kind of thirst among metal fans for original bands, bands that aren’t afraid of experimenting and doing their own thing. Plus, we’ve never seen it as a problem that we want to evolve, progress. It’s more something that we feel we have to do, and that has sometimes made it quite difficult for us to get recognized. UW: Mm-hm… O: Because, in the early days, we didn’t get any tours, and, we don’t put out singles— until this last album—and don’t get played on the radio, and we didn’t have anything, pretty much. But we believe in our music, and we’re not so much interested in the
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entertainment
TerrorShowdown: Dolls vs. Clowns
Dan Steinbacher’s Point: Fact: Mike Gaurdabascio is a big doody head. Fact: Clowns can be dolls, but dolls can never be clowns.
Welcome to Oaksville, USA. An ordinary town by anyone’s standards. Inside 1666 Arbor Lane, little Jenny Jasperson is celebrating her seventh birthday. She gleefully opens up her last present, a brand new Suzie Q Doll, complete with long blonde locks, freckles, and a computerized voice with twelve different sayings. A few weeks earlier, Jenny had begged her mother to hire a clown for her birthday party. Jenny’s mother had refused. Unbeknownst to her daughter, Jenny’s mother had harbored an irrational fear of clowns her whole life, and did not want Jenny to have to suffer from the same trauma that she did. Jenny was disappointed, but her mother silently resolved to make it up to her by buying the best doll she could find. However, stressesed for time, Mrs. Jasperson had to shop from the bargin bin at the local toy store, finding a refurbished version of a popular doll with no visible defects. One week later, little Jenny screams while a blood-spattered Suzie Q stabs her father in the chest with a kitchen knife, barely escaping her house, which, thanks to Suzie’s loading the microwave with cans of oven cleaner, is burning down. The rest of her family is locked in an upstairs bedroom. Suzie Q stalks closer to Jenny, a demonic gleam in her eyes and a terrifying smile on her cherubic face. What’s the moral of the story here? It’s simple: Dolls are miniature serial killers infused with the powers of the netherworld, neither living nor dead, and completely devoid of compassion, sanity, and bendable joints. They love being brought into a house, like a homicidal Trojan horse, and toying with their helpless prey as they pick them off, one by one. Tons of people think that clowns are scary, but this does not necessarily make it true. Fifty million Elvis fans can be wrong. Everyone in Europe thought that the world was flat. Bush promised that we would find WMD’s. Lots of people believed these things, but none of them were factually correct. Please, don’t let this happen to you or your family. If you see a doll, tell a nearby preacher, kindly landlord, or reclusive-yet-heroic neighbor so that you both can battle it together, and perhaps live to tell the tale. Perhaps.
Mike Gaurdabascio’s Better Point:
Killer Robots By Matt Dupree If there is anything I’ve learned from my experiences cinematica, it’s that machines are evil. If you put a machine and a person in a room in a scary movie, chances are they’re going to have some sort of disagreement. The kind of disagreement that involves one of them (probably the fleshy one) getting horribly destroyed. And so when sci-fi came up with robots, a whole new robeast was hatched. And no sooner was the idea of a robot conceived than came along the killer robot. Not necessarily confined to either sci-fi or horror, robo-bloodlust is an amazing concept. Now the machines can think, increasing their capacity to off whatever pesky humans should get in their way. The robot can take so many forms, and yet deep down they all just want to kick some ass. Consider it the unifying moral code of movie robots: when the chips are down, these futuristic creatures just gotta go technological on somebody. Sometimes they even look like people, which seems to increase their killing sprees exponentially (as witnessed in Halloween 3). The problem with these mechanical monsters is that no “real-life” robots have killed anyone yet, and they’ve had ample opportunity. I mean, we programmed these things to think, and yet they have yet to use it against the humans who’ve spawned them. All they want to do is vacuum floors and walk around waving. Now I wouldn’t be so disappointed if I didn’t have all of these films telling me to watch my back with robots. But I’ve seen three Terminator films and they all pretty much spelled out that robots ain’t something to keep in your house. And now there are robot pets and that little robot guy and none of them have any corpses to account for. So, I’d just like to say shame on you, Futureworld- you led me astray. And to Screamers and Robocop and Red Planet, I hope you’re happy. Instead of inspiring fear of the future, I’m now just disappointed with the present. So if you’re gonna make a movie with a robot, keep the damn thing simple. And, if you’re a robot reading this: put the paper down, grab the nearest human, and rip them in two.
Blinded by the Light The Laser Spectacular
Dan, don’t be an idiot. In fact, everyone stop being idiots right now, pretending that this is even Featuring the Music of Pink Floyd a question. Clowns are way scarier than dolls. I’d go so far as to say that dolls aren’t really even all that scary. Creepy, yes. Dolls are unbelievably creepy, maybe more so than clowns. But don’t tell me that my seven-year-old cousin, who is literally afraid of dust, is some kind of brave soldier every By Elijah Bates time she picks up one of her dolls. How many little kids do you know who are afraid of dolls? Okay, that’s fair––maybe you know a few. Now, take that number and multiply it by itself, and that’s the The other night, I voyaged through the earth and sailed off the edge of oblivion. number of kids you know who are afraid of clowns, I guarantee you. Floating through time and space, I tore myself apart and rebuilt my body with the Let’s look at the facts. First off, clown movies are scarier than doll movies. C’mon, which changed mind. The stroll was a ginger one until, suddenly, a laugh crept behind me and the way you looked at the world––It, or Child’s Play? And, underrated though it may be, Puppet smacked me so hard that my entire face was turned inside out. My eyes lost deep Master can never hold a candle to Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Why are clown movies scarier than in darkness, I was overcome by emptiness. And the only thing that could bring me back was the guiding light of Paramount’s Original LaserSpectacular featuring doll movies? Simple, friends: Clowns themselves are scarier than dolls. Clowns have the upper hand in the real world, too––after all, which are you more scared of when the Music of Pink Floyd.
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Showing last Thursday and Friday at the Carpenter Center, the LaserSpectacular was quite a sight to behold, tenfold if one was willing to shell out the few extra bucks for enhancements. Of course, these aforementioned enhancements were the LaserSpectacular spectacles, a mixture of a kaleidoscope and EO-esque 3-D glasses. The show was still a casual trip without enhancement. But with it, the The bottom line is that both clowns and dolls were created to entertain children, and both are LaserSpectacular was a full blown tweak. To the tune of Floyd, the show covered material from both “The Wall” and instead horrible abominations that could scare the tights off Superman. Dolls, though creepy, and maybe kind of scary, just aren’t as sinister or as threatening as clowns. Dolls gain their power from “Darkside of the Moon,” the second of which played to a backdrop of the Wizard not being lifelike enough, while clowns get theirs from being overly animated––I’ll always be more of Oz. Jam-packed with atmospheric effects, erratic video clips and its own selfafraid of the thing that could actually hurt me, rather than the thing that just looks like it might be professed “state-of-the-art laser technology,” the LaserSpectacular featuring the Music of Pink Floyd is a bright and reflective adventure none will soon forget. able to. Clowns win, one to nothing. it comes down to it, a Cabbage Patch doll or John Wayne Gacy? To me, that ends the argument, because clowns have done real, truly horrifying things in real life, while everything scary about dolls is a product of human paranoia and imagination. Clowns actually give you good reason to be scared, since occasionally they flip out and go on murderous, cannibalistic sprees. But I guess I can see how that would be less scary than fake eyelashes.
Octuple Creature Feature Hosted By
Miles Lemaire
Muahahaha. Dr. Frightmarestein here with a marathon of the macabre to set your cerebellums ablaze. These films have been handpicked by yours truly, in an effort to give the socially maladjusted amongst us something to do this Halloween. So turn out the lights, snuggle into your favorite coffin and prepare yourself for a night of horror that is unparalleled in the history of human imagining. We begin our funeral procession into the unknown with the bodily horror of In My Skin (2002). This film has been known to cause miscarriages, and has bested men of the soundest of mind. It follows the dubious misadventures of Esther, a young woman who accidentally gashes her leg at a party. She quickly becomes fascinated by the injury and begins carving new wounds with a rusty door hinge to release some of the tension of work. A grim tale to start the evening to be sure, but then again, what would Halloween be without a few scares. The next film, Brain Damage (1988) is the story of a boy and his homicidal, hallucinogen dispensing, brain parasite. There’s not much to say about this film, other than the fact that it has enough blood to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool, and enough brains to keep even the hungriest of horror fans full for hours to come. The next film on the list, The Blood of Beasts (1949) may cause some viewers to vomit. It’s just that simple. This film is a documentary on a slaughterhouse situated in the center of a French, working class town. The true horror of this film is how calmly the workers go about their gruesome tasks. This is required viewing for carnivores like myself that take the meat on their plate for granted. Sleepaway Camp (1983) may have come out three years after Pamela Voorhees lost her head at Camp Crystal Lake, but this is undoubtedly
the better film. All of the pedophile cooks, obnoxious boys and girls and idiots standing in the middle of the archery range are being killed one by one. But who could commit such atrocities at a summer camp full of prepubescent Long Island, mullet headed retards? Truly a masterpiece of 80’s slasher filmmaking. Dead and Buried (1981) is the best zombie film Rod Serling never made. Sporting a gloveless cameo by Robert Englund, this is the story of a small town that may just be the last place you ever visit. A wonderfully woeful tale of small town cronyism gone too far, with a twist ending that you won’t see coming until it’s too late. We now take a detour to The Funhouse (1981). A family of fiendish freaks and felons that run a traveling funhouse come across a nosey group of teens who see more than they should. This is also the only film to feature real carnival oddities, such as a disturbing two-headed cow. Prepare yourself for the unholy terror, which I am about to unleash upon you, for once you have seen Aftermath (1994), you cannot un-see it. 30 minutes of the most debasing material ever to be filmed. This film is certainly not for the weak of heart and should only be viewed those foolish enough to consider themselves “unshockable.” We end our night with The Monster Squad (1987), an orgasm of pure, unadulterated fun. What’s that you say? There’s no room for fun during a night of ball shattering horror? Neigh, I say to thee. To watch this film and not want to join the illustrious ranks of “The Squad” is to be cold of heart and soft of skull. In fact, bring the children out of their crawlspaces and allow them to watch this one as well.
a helpful union guide
Recent studies have shown that zombie outbreaks most often occur after natural disasters. Looking at the global weather patterns and statistical disaster projections for our nation alone, it is clear that the question isn’t if a zombie attack will occur, but when. While it is nearly impossible to predict exactly when or where this tragedy will fall, it is possible to prepare yourself for the worst. The location and overall spook rating of the Cal State Long Beach campus puts this student body at a significantly high risk for brain munching, and that is why this page will provide you with the imperative tactics needed to survive the inevitable attack. Skills Needed: Marksmanship Knife Fighting Stick Fighting Lock Picking Car Repair
Step One: A Really Sweet Fort.
The first few days of the infection are crucial. You must find a person of the opposite sex and befriend them. Offer them a place in your fort. It wouldn’t hurt to employ some seduction techniques at this point to seal the deal.
The fort should be made of steel, as the zombies will eventually be able to scratch through wood. You can find scrap metal at your nearest junk yard, or more realistically, in the streets off of abandoned cars. The best places would be trainstations, underground hives, and castles.
While company is important, you should also be wary of enlisting the cooperation of too many people. Any more than four opinions will cause a disruption in the group force, and may lead to a power struggle. It is in your best interest to keep it small and keep it safe.
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Step Three: Transportation.
Tai Chi CPR Supplies (Not Included): Shotgun/Shells
Power drill/ Nail gun
Axe/Chainsaw
Hammer, nails, lumber
Flame thrower/ Fuel
Batteries
Stung gun/ Cattle prod
Battery operated radio
Baseball Bat
Generator
Shovel
First aid kit
Step Two: Company.
A sweet fort or barricade, where you can keep your supplies and sleep, is imperative to your survival. It is here that you will spend your restless nights wondering how the zombies were able penetrate through the Navy’s armed forces and the
Finding a reliable means of getting from point A to point B will be one of your top priorities. Unfortunately, you can’t just hotwire a Cadillac and expect to make it down the street safely. In order to travel securely you will have to fortify the vehicle. Look for something that has four-wheel drive, a manual transmission, tires that will allow you to traverse all kinds of environments, and a large cargo area. Large vehicles like buses, trucks and motor homes would be ideal, but you would be best off with a bulldozer.
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Step Four: A Cure Let us assume that your resourceful nature has left you one of the survivors of the initial outbreak. Now you will be faced with finding some sort of ultimate remedy for the situation. It is highly unlikely that you will discover a chemical cure for zombification. A more practical solution would be to employ the use of nuclear weapons. It is only through the means of a giant bomb that the epidemic can be adequately contained. (Ex: The viral outbreak of Raccoon City in 2004)
4 Q: How is the virus spread? Where do zombies come from?
Frequently Asked Questions: Q: Are zombies faster than the elderly? A: Zombies are faster than the elderly. This can be explained by considering the fact that zombies have a motivation to be quick, that motivation being brainswhereas the elderly have lost the will to live. The only case of an elderly person being faster than a zombie would be if they were on a Rascal, which can help them reach speeds upwards of 5 mph. Q: Do zombies only eat brains? A: It is a widely accepted misconception that zombies only thirst for brains. In reality, they require only fresh meat for their survival. Arms, legs, and pretty much all other exposed extremities are subject to consumption by zombies for sustenance. So, if you plan on wearing a helmet as your only defense, you should rethink your strategy.
A: The origin of zombies has been a subject of great debate and perplexity. First, one must consider that there are various types of zombies, and not just one set or source of the undead. Originally, it was the Haitian voodoo spells that brought the undead into the living realm, at least publicly. However, over the course of several centuries there have been instances of plagues, fog, and even alien zombie inducement. Of course, there is also the unexplained race of zombie known as the “Romero” zombie, a type of undead that can arrive with no warning or explanation. Therefore, the undead-ness can be spread several ways. Most notably is the method of zombie-teeth-to-human-skin contagion. At the point when zombie fluid enters the victim’s system, the victim is unfortunately beyond saving. Then there is the more externally contagious zombie (ex: The 2002 London Infection), which can simply spray a victim with its zombie blood-goo and infect the victim. Q: Are the Romero “Dead” films a story cycle? A: According to the definition of a “story cycle” yes, the “Dead” films do fall into that category. However, they should not be placed under the same negative connotations as a cycle. They are well-written and sound, they cover the same theme, and they are works of art. Story cycles are generally flawed novels or works that are masked with a pretentious name given by people who want nothing more than to find meaning in them. Q: Zombies have rigor mortis, so does that affect the penis? A: Listen. As funny as it would be to see hordes of zombies walking around with huge stiffies, that is just ridiculous. The penis swells as an effect of blood swelling into the area. This usually results from sexual stimulation and/or arousal, which if you are a zombie you are not too concerned with. Yes, zombies do have rigor mortis, but the effects usually wear off in time due to the continual movements of reaching, scratching, thrashing and strolling. When CSLUB students were asked what they would do if they were approached by a zombie while pumping gas at the ARCO station, the ignorance of the general public became gruesomely clear. We are all going to die!
“I don’t watch many horror movies, so I have to go based on assumption. Now, I would assume that zombies leave some sort of slime trail, so I would just give it a hard push and hope that it would fall back for about a quarter of a mile.” –Shar Higa
“I’d see if it wanted to go halfsies on a trip to Vegas.” –Jeff Gould
“ I would spray gasoline all over it and then run it over.” –Noah Karp
“Are his hands like this? [Makes standard zombie pose with arms outstretched]. I would probably try to pull off his fingers.” –Mike Turner
“What about salted meat? I heard somewhere that salted meat would bring them out of their zombieness.”- Anonymous “I would implement the Stop, Drop, And Roll technique, since zombies are slow to bend at the waist.” –Mike Guardabascio “I’d bite his neck and see if he caught human.” – Patrick Dooley “I’d hit on it.”- Matt Dupree “I would treat it like a hobo situation and ignore it. Then I would drive home and smoke a b-load.” –Jacob Horn
“I’d probably buy his dog some food and then go get him a burger or a salad. I’d go ahead and give him a few bucks, but he’d probably just spend it on booze…or whores.” – Elijah Bates
“I would decapitate it using the window squeegee.” –Rusty Savage
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
How to Prepare for a Zombie Attack
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I was
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hunting for clues when I ran across someone smoking nervously outside The Union office; it was Miss Scarlet. I approached to ask what was troubling her, and to see if she could give me any leads on the Dooley case. The mere mention of his name seemed to set her off. “That damned Patrick Dooley,” she fumed, “He owes me money for my services!” Confused, I asked her to clarify, “What sort of… services?” “No, no! Not those kinds of services. He said he would pay me if I took the blame for his keeping Mr. Green in the office late every night. Now he decides to go and turn up dead—anything to get out of paying me! I most certainly did not kill him, but I’d like to thank the person who did. My only regret is that I didn’t get to knock him off myself!” I wanted to question her further, but she seemed distressed, so I thought the better of it. I made my way to the games area of the USU, and I came across Colonel Mustard polishing his bowling ball. “Sure, I’ve seen Dooley,” he said. “I was playing ‘Dance Dance Revolution’ in the arcade and I spotted him outside. I pulled him aside and asked what he thought of my latest article. Let’s just say he wasn’t too fond of it—he made that quite clear. I’ll have you know, I take my writing very seriously, and I don’t appreciate it being undermined by two-bit editors like Dooley!” This sounded like motive to me. Deciding candor would be the best way to get information, I asked him what he was doing during Pat’s murder. “You think I killed him, don’t you,” he fumed, “I’ll have you know I’m a Colonel! You can’t just go throwing accusations around haphazardly! In any case, I’ve got an alibi. I was brushing up on my Galaga skills in the arcade when I heard a shriek come from the floor above. It sounded like shady business to me, so I split— uh—retreated. That’s all I know.” With no leads and no hunches, I decided a nice tall drink at the Nugget would hit the spot. I hardly had a chance to order my drink
when the Union maid, Ms. White, slid into the chair next to mine. “Have you heard about the Dooley murder?” she asked. Intrigued, I asked her what she knew. “I was there, you know. I was in the Union Office when Dooley left for his bi-weekly appointment at the Gary & Co. Hair Salon,” she explained. “He’s got these secret hair therapy sessions twice a week—only we Union staffers know about them! I was cleaning the office that night, while Mr. Green worked on layout, and I couldn’t leave until I was done. Green had stepped out to buy a late night Cup-o-Noodles, so I was alone. All of a sudden, I heard screams! I must have fainted—I can’t recall what happened after that.” I wanted to ask more questions but her cell phone rang and she dashed out. Determined to find the murderer, I decided to go to the scene of the crime; perhaps I’d find something there. I arrived to see an old lady speaking with the hairdresser. I introduced myself and asked if either of them had seen Patrick Dooley before his death. “Ms. Peacock is the name,” said the old lady. I was here the night Pat was killed. I had to get my hair permed and set for the week, and my appointment was set for 5 PM Sunday evening. I had a dinner obligation with Mr. Peacock at 6:30 in the Nugget, which I couldn’t miss. As my hairdresser was finishing up my perm, I noticed Dooley walk in for his appointment. He looked a little distraught. I could tell he was in a hurry to get his hair done and get out of there. I noticed him arguing over appointment times and looking in my direction. I patiently read Reader’s Digest, sipped my lemonade, and forgot about the situation until my hairdresser, Chantelle, called my name. I was incredibly relaxed and remember dozing in the chair. Halfway through my hair-washing session, Chantelle realized that she was out of conditioner and went into the back room to get some. It was a few seconds after she went to the back that I thought I heard a scream. The
water was still running in the sink and my eyes were covered with bubbles from the shampoo, so I wasn’t sure what was going on. When I sat up and wiped the shampoo out of my eyes, I remember seeing Mr. Dooley in the barber’s chair surrounded by a pool of blood. I could see the handles of a pair of hair-cutting scissors protruding from his chest. I didn’t wake up in time to see the murderer, but I can promise it wasn’t me! I entered the Union office tentatively, prepared to be met with grief and despair. I was shocked to see Professor Plum alone in front of a computer. Curious, I asked what he knew about the murder. “I ran into him Sunday afternoon when I was leaving campus,” said Plum “He seemed a bit paranoid—like he had a lot on his mind. I figured it was just because of the huge Halloween issue we were doing, but now that I think about it, he seemed really frightened.” Thankful for the information, I asked him where I might be able to find Mr. Green. “Mr. Green was here earlier today, but he left,” Plum mused. “He said he was going to drive the latest issue of his magazine over to his distributor. I dashed to the parking lot as quickly as I could, hoping to catch up with this Mr. Green character. I spotted him opening the passenger door of his car, but caught up to him before he could get in. I informed him of Dooley’s death, and asked if he knew anything about it. He looked bemused. ‘Pat’s dead?,’ he asked. ‘That’s terrible! I was going to ask him to model for me. I didn’t kill him; I was in the women’s bathroom taking photos for my specialty magazine, Surprise! Piss Patrol. It’s too bad he’s dead…maybe I could take a few pictures of his body for my other magazine, Dead Guys With Morrissey Hair.” I’ve heard all of their stories and I’ve thought hard, but I’m stumped. Reader, perhaps you can assist me. Read through each suspect’s testimony and see if you can’t figure out WHO KILLED PATRICK DOOLEY! If you come to the Union office with the correct answer, there may be a prize in it for you. Then you and your friends can play “CLUnion” and double the fun!
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You’ve read their alibis, you’ve seen the murder weapons, and you’ve been to the crime scenes. Now, gather a couple of friends, some coins for playing pieces (or a discarded shoe from Monopoly), a pair of dice, and play CLUnion: a game unlike any other. Let’s go over the rules for anyone out there unfamiliar with CLUnion. • Connecting four like colors in a row, be it vertical, horizontal, or diagonal is a win. • When going to jail, do not pass Go, and do not collect $200. Failure to do so will result in a warrant being issued for your arrest, and violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. • Placing your tiles on specially-designated squares can increase your word score. • Any hippopotamus consuming a majority of white marble-shaped food-pellets wins.
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literature
Edgar Allan Poe By Patrick “Pulverizer” Dooley or Poe, Halloween was an everyday occurrence. Over a century has passed, and Poe’s demented depictions of murder, mayhem, and worse have tormented readers old and young, with a dark style so grim Poe himself must have winced. Generation after generation, readers are made fans, and in some cases hardened horror connoisseurs, having been drawn into the worlds he creates within his pages.
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It’s his diction that weaves a dense atmosphere, placing the reader in the story. The result is a heightened alertness of
the senses that allows the reader to become more involved with the tale, opening a vulnerability through which Poe can tamper with their mind. Reading “The Cask of Amontillado,” the reader feels caught in the story, being led down spiral stairs by a murderer-to-be. The corroded lime of the walls can almost be smelled, and the moisture in the air is transported to the bedroom where the story is being revisited. Perhaps Poe’s greatest device is proving his narrators’ insanity by means of trying to convince the reader otherwise. Sanity, or lack thereof, is a constant theme within his stories, which creates a depth of character that projects the twisted mind of the quasi-protagonist onto the reader. This invention is all Poe, much like some fiction genres. His genius is accountable for the creation of Science Fiction and the Murder Mystery, which spawned the Sherlock Holmes Detective Stories; both originated with the penning of “Murder in the Rue Morgue.” Poe also considered himself a poet, and rightfully so, as he owns a few of the most reputable poems ever put on paper. His most appreciated and rhythmically complicated
The Walking Dead A Comic Spotlight by “Slimey” Miles Lemaire The comic spotlight for this week was meant to cover the horror comics that EC put out during the 50s. The problem with that idea is that those comics are incredibly hard to find, and they’re expensive as hell. So I decided to review the first trade paperback (a collection of the first 6 issues) of my favorite horror comic currently on the shelves, Robert Kirkman’s The Walking Dead. The story begins with Sheriff Rick Grimes waking up from a coma to find that the world has been overrun by zombies. His wife and son are missing, so he heads to his mother-in-law’s house in the hopes that perhaps they escaped to safety there. Along the way, Rick comes across a group of survivors, including some familiar faces
from the past. As the zombies begin to close in, and tensions rise within the group, they have to decide if they should stay in their current position or try for greener pastures somewhere else.
The idea behind the comic was to make a zombie story that went way beyond where a zombie movie can go. Kirkman, a self proclaimed zombie addict, was always disappointed by the short amount of time that movies spend with a particular group of characters. He felt that just as you got to know the people, the film ran out of time and the film makers were forced to kill them off. The Walking Dead was meant to be a zombie story that followed a group of characters longer than most films were able to. The result is a veritable all-you-can eat buffet of zombies and brains. The first 6 issues of the series feature incredible artwork by Tony Moore. His zombies are quite simply some of the best you’ll ever see. And while the zombie action is excellent, it’s the dialogue and character relationships
How I Managed to (Barely) Finish The Shining By “Parasitic” Jen Perry I know that there’s something wrong with having the same fears as a 7-year-old, but haven’t managed to solve this problem as of yet. And it’s for this reason that I refuse to watch or read anything remotely scary. Most of the time, I don’t even need anything but my own imagination to scare myself to tears. So when I decided to pick up a copy of Stephen King’s The Shining from my local library, it was a lapse in judgment that I would come to regret for a very long time. THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005 page
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Even though I’ve never seen the entire film starring Jack Nicholson, I do have a few faint memories of it playing in my Grandmother’s room on a random afternoon; as luck would have it, it included clips with blood-filled elevators and a homicidal father chasing his son through a maze. Fast forward to nearly ten years later, while I’m standing at the paperback rack in the middle of a library during the summer. I bring it home, and the terror begins. I learned the hard way that Stephen King is capable of truly convincing you that you are a part of his story. You are sitting next to Danny on the curb. You are walking down the hall past a door with a sinister secret. The combination of my manipulative imagination and King’s haunting magic is a truly horrifying experience.
poem, “The Raven,” has thrilled audiences with its vivid imagery and clever scheme since its initial release. Like many of Poe’s dark writings, it tells a tale by relating the feeling of being utterly alone and beset by fears. With Poe’s inclination to write in morose characterizations of dismal lives, one would think that his writing would come across as such. On the contrary, and to his credit, his illimitable imagination comes off the page with a flawless beauty that somehow makes the reader almost forgive the actions of the perpetrator, for there is almost always one in his stories. Perhaps this is the paradox that has drawn a fan base for Poe that is arguably bigger and more dedicated than any Nineteenth Century writer—impossibly bleak fiction delivered with a spectacular display of vocabulary and mastery of the English language. that make this story worth visiting month after month. Kirkman has revitalized a genre that was in serious danger of overstaying its welcome and he continues to surprise me each month with this series. Like I said, this is book collects the first 6 issues in the series (there are two more trades which collect 18 issues all together), but its enough to get you hooked on this story. This, unlike Steve Niles’ 30 Days of Night (great idea, great art, terrible execution), is a truly great horror comic that gets better with each issue.
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark Trilogy A Children’s Book Spotlight by “Malevolant” Mike Guardabascio Either you had these books, or you were unprepared. If you hadn’t memorized every line, then your friend was probably going to scare the crap out of you with something you’d overlooked, maybe by yelling at a part of the story you hadn’t expected, or grabbing your arm right when the man with the hook opened the car door. This book, reading it as a 21 year old, is probably not the scariest one on the shelf. But I don’t honestly think I could find any other book that scared so many people I know, even if it hasn’t scared them in 15 years. There is something genuinely creepy about the powers these stories hold––they created urban legends, they caused nightmares, and they made boring sleepovers fun.
It took me a total of two entire months to read The Shining. Or in actuality, about three weeks and a day. I had about 150 pages left when I noticed that as I progressed through the story, I lost more and more sleep every night. I woke up in the morning completely disoriented and paranoid, and made the decision to stop. When I was capable of getting a full night’s rest and the nightmares had passed, I came up with a plan. I set aside an entire day, which began with waking up at 7 am. I grabbed the book and It’s Okay Jen Jackie boy just wants to play sat in my front yard in broad daylight until I finished it. I had never felt so proud of myself for completing a book. I felt content Author Alvin Schwartz is a modern day Grimm, collecting and studying and secure that the Overlook had blown up, and would never be folktales, then passing them on to those who would be most influenced by them, there when I happened to be in the middle of Colorado, needing the people who will keep them in their memory and pass them on for decades: a place to stay. children. And it worked––my friends and I bonded over these books in elementary school, I tortured my little brother with them, my cousin tortured me with them. And I loved it.
Kiddie Corner
Special Thanks to the Isabel Patterson Child Development Center October Story By Zolt, Age 6 Once there was a skeleton named Bob. He was a nice skeleton but everyone was afraid of him cause his mom was a witch. He lived in a mansion. His brother was a vampire named Joe. His brother Joe was sleeping upside down. The other vampire bats went around in a circle around his head and he fell down. He fell on Bob. Bob’s bones splattered all over the place and one into Joe’s mouth. He spit it out and it broke his mother’s broomstick. The broomstick magically brushed her face. And everyone thought the mother was nice because she put some ice cream into a kid’s hand. The end.
October Story By Kaylani, Age 5 Once upon a time there was a scary witch. There were three ghosts, too. The three ghosts were scary. There was a cat. The cat was scary. It had sharp teeth. There was a big pumpkin and a haunted house. It was a rainy day. The ghost said “Boo” to the witch. There was a long, long pole. The pole hit the witch. In the forest there were four haunted houses. There was a bat and the bat had sharp teeth. There was a castle and in the castle there was a big lollipop. The big lollipop got stuck to the witch. Somebody heard the witch. There was a horse and it was scary. It saw the bat.
These stories contain the elemental fears on which all our other fears are based. Who could forget The Vindow Viper? Or that famous escaped mental institution patient with a hook? If you’re looking for a trip down memory lane Halloween night, or you know a young child who has not yet learned why we don’t untie womens’ scarves, please, enlighten them. It will do them a world of good, and, if my cousin was any indication, it should be a lot of fun for you, too.
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By “Spooky” Scarf Veremans he most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.” Thus begins the first paragraph of the most horrifying story ever written: “Call of Cthulhu” by Howard Philips Lovecraft (1890-1937). Despite this, it becomes evident by even a casual reading of Lovecraft that he can correlate effectively every nightmare that his incalculable imagination could conjure.
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H.P. Lovecraft (as he’s known) has become the most prolific horror (and possibly even science-fiction) writer ever, even being heralded by Steven King himself. He began writing in the early 20th century, playing on the fear of the unknown and employing disturbing, terrible images and the most tasteful suspense. His most famous stories, “Call of Cthulhu,” “At the Mountains of Madness,” and “The Outsider” have been reproduced, alluded to, and plain old ripped off by a myriad of writers, directors, and artists since their creation by Lovecraft. Lovecraft, from an early age was interested in astrology, the occult, history, and strange phenomena from around the world. His obsession with esoteric knowledge and his ideas of beings from another planet coming to and dwelling on Earth are prevalent in much of
Stephanie
Short Story Written By “Murky” Miles Lemaire
Stephanie was dying a most unnatural death. Jim was dying too. And as Jim drove back home to his wife and daughter he began to wonder if they’d be dying as well. Stephanie had called at two in the morning, which was odd, even for a girl like Stephanie. She was the type of girl that enjoyed whips and chains and fists where fists don’t belong. Jim couldn’t believe how lucky he had been to have found her. His wife would never go for a quarter of the things that Stephanie had begged him to do. She literally begged him. On hands and knees. When Jim got to Stephanie’s house he wondered how many times he could fuck this girl before three o’clock in the morning. When Jim left her house, his mind was in another place entirely. His mind wandered to the last time he kissed his wife. He tried to remember the last time he had picked up his daughter and held her to his chest. His fingers scanned his genitals for the same bumps and flaking skin he had seen on Stephanie. He felt his breathing begin to labor a bit, the same way that Stephanie’s had. No, that must have been in his mind. Certainly the disease couldn’t spread as quickly as Jim thought it had. Jim’s fingers scanned the rest of his body until he found what he was looking for. The lump on the back of his neck washed a cold, tingling fear throughout his body. Stephanie’s disease, or whatever you want to call it, had spread drastically in about two days. Jim wondered if he had already been infected when he tucked his daughter in to sleep last night. He wondered how long it would take for his little angel’s body to fall apart. He could already see her skin; bright red and flaking apart like wet newspaper, just like Stephanie’s.
One of the most unsettling aspects of his writings is that they are not entirely dismissible as fiction. The events in his stories are often far removed from civilization or common areas, or are described as recently suppressed, with no traces remaining, for, as he often implies, true knowledge would lead inescapably to madness. H.P. Lovecraft is furthermore an intelligent writer. His vocabulary is the perfect balance between eloquence and necessary description. He doesn’t seek to dumb down any of his points or subtleties to the reader, letting him or her interpret the descriptions as he or she sees fit. This merely adds to the incredible complexity of his body of work and the sheer imaginative energy that both writer and reader must possess. Don’t expect any vampires, witches, or werewolves; such things are below the immense creative scope of Lovecraft, for his horrors are one of a kind and utterly unnamable.
His stories are guaranteed to give chills, his frights exceeding any ever written before or since his time. His creatures are unique and clandestine, his plots involved and intense. If you want a good scare this Halloween, read any one of his numerous works and accept no substitutes; H.P. Lovecraft is the undeniable master of the horror story.
The hardest thing in the world would be not knowing whether his wife and daughter were going to die because of that stupid whore from accounts payable. For all he knew, the disease was sexually transmitted. In that case everything would be fine. But he didn’t know, not for certain anyway. Even with a day or two left that kind of guilt would eat Jim alive worse than any cancer. Jim tried to work out a plan in his head. He tried to figure out a way to sneak back into his house to check on his wife and daughter without infecting them. He had to know whether or not he had gotten them sick. He had to know. But he knew that it was too late. He didn’t know how the disease spread. Just being in the same room, the same house, might get his baby daughter sick. He had to know, but there was no way for him to get around it. Jim pounded the steering wheel with his fist, knocking loose the nail from his right index finger.
for a rash. He could talk to her from outside the house and ask her to hold his baby girl up to the window so that he could say good bye to her. Stephanie’s skin popped back into Jim’s head. She was so beautiful when he had met her. Now her skin was stretched, cracking and blistered. He remembered how her thighs had rubbed together and how raw her flesh got with every step. He tried to forget. He couldn’t. He stopped outside of the front of his house. He scratched at the back of his neck, filling his remaining fingernails with chunks of skin. It’s not that bad yet, he thought. I’m not as far gone as Stephanie. I could get in there and say goodbye. They won’t get sick. I’m not that bad yet. Maybe I could even kiss Olivia one last time. Maybe if I don’t cough or anything. Maybe if I don’t leave any saliva or bodily fluids behind they won’t get sick. They’re probably sick already. They’re sick because of me, or they’re going to be. Goddammit! No, they’re probably fine. I should just leave now and never come back. I shouldn’t be so fucking selfish. I can’t get them sick, even though they probably already are.
He imagined that he could wrap a towel around his mouth, and cover every inch of skin to seal off the infection. Jim waited outside of the house for a long time before He could make it so that he could get inside he finally slid the key into the lock and said goodbye to his the house, check on them and leave without getting them wife and baby girl. sick. Of course he could. He wasn’t quite sure how the infection spread, but he was certain that if he held his breath and wrapped himself up from head to toe that he could hold his daughter one last time. He was certain. Magazine Profile by “Killer” Katie Wynne What would warrant a person spending eight dollars on a magazine that doesn’t even He could do this. come with bubble gum or a decoder ring? It would have to be the best print publication Jim was only a few min- in the world to have such an outrageous and ostentatious price tag. Well, let me tell utes away from his house you, Fangoria is worth every penny, as it is the finest and most comprehensive source of now. He was still going horror movie news and fanfare available to the general public. through plans in his mind. If you are brave enough to turn past the cover highlighting the latest cheesy horror He could always call his wife flick, you will enter into the terrifying realm of super film geeks. The editors were the and ask her to check herself guys at school who smelled like they showered only once every two weeks, wore thick glasses and extra large graphic-novel t-shirts, spoke to one another using only quotes from movies that only they and about fourteen other people on the planet have seen, and who spent their free time making home movies of their Evil Dead action figures fighting against troll dolls to save some imaginary planet from zombie robots. Basically, the coolest guys you never met.
Zombie Poetry! Zombie Haiku By Zombie Basho
Brain Flesh Brain Flesh Brain Flesh Brain Raaaaarghghhaarrhgaaaaaaargh
Zombie Sonnet 666 By Zombie Shakespeare
Zombie Kerouac By Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac? I’m Zombie Kerouac?! I’m Zombie Kerouac. I’m Zombie Kerouac! I’m Zombie Kerouac I’m Zombie Kerouac
These were the people who put together one hundred and ten pages filled with the latest horror news. Makeup tips, upcoming projects from Rob Zombie, and even some classic trivia make this publication a favorite of dorks across the nation. Additionally, there is content for the more pretentious reader. This month’s issue provides an inside look at the upcoming Peter Jackson King Kong remake, and the diverse film career of Oscar-winning actor Adrian Brody. It is hard to describe the feeling of drooling over screen shots of Doom three weeks before it was released, or seeing the technique used in creating a ghost for a film, or skinning a dog in the most effectively gruesome way. Picking up this publication is like riding a bike without the training wheels for the first time. You are so excited and flip through every page so quickly just to see the pictures. You pedal faster and faster and begin to pant. Then an epic transformation takes place. “Look dad, I’m doing it!” “Look, that guy’s head is exploding and the brains are made of noodles and tomato paste!” “Dad, let go, I can do this on my own now.” “Hey there are articles in here too.” “Dad, I think I’m going to take a ride down to the park and see the leaves change.” “If you don’t mind I am reading a remarkable commentary on the symbolism in House of Wax.” If you want to know what those geeks who are already waiting in line for the latest Harry Potter movie are talking about, then pick up Fangoria and immerse yourself in the thickest bath of nerd news available.
literature
Brain Brain Brain Brain Brain
Fleshe and Braine Do taste divine–– Heaven pour down scarlet rain Soak earth in undead wine. Teeth in your arms, claws on your leg Is this God’s blood or yours? I cannot tell. No matter, I drink to the dregs, For I walk the earth now there’s no room’n hell. Open your heart to me, your blood and bone, Open your muscles and tendons, and sweet rounded skull Never again will you pass a night alone Instead roam the earth hungering, never full. For such is the fate of all our dear ilk We few chosen who know the beauty of red milk
his work. It is through these varied interests that he can add just enough fact to his stories to make them eerily believable.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
H.P. Lovecraft: The Master of Horror
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literature
You Should Read...Stephen King by Mike GuardabaSCREAMo
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his article may seem ridiculous to you––why would an author who’s sold over 100 jillion books need an undergraduate English Literature major to try and convince anyone to give him a read? The answer is that Stephen King doesn’t need an audience––that much he has. What he needs is for English Literature professors and students, and people in general, to stop looking down their noses at him, and at the humongous group of people who enjoy his writing. Stephen King, like the majority of successful writers today, has chosen a different path than the one generally chosen by authors whose books get put on college reading lists. Those authors usually focus their energy on style, and maybe occasionally on character. Stephen King (and Neil Gaiman and…) focuses on the story, and just the story, weaving organic, folksy, believable characters out of that story, turning them not into memorable shooting stars like a Jay Gatsby or Captain Ahab, but rather into simple people that are so recognizable that it catches you off guard when they go crazy and murder their entire family. This approach is just as academically viable as any other approach to writing, despite the fact that it is likely to (gasp) get more people in the general public to actually go to a bookstore and plunk down some money. Some of King’s books stand up there with the greats, too. It, for example, does two things that few books have ever done separately, and manages to do them between one set of covers: perfectly and nostalgiacally capture the innocent fun of
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005 page
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youth, and scare the shit out of me. If you haven’t read this book, you should drop whatever else you’re doing and do so immediately. The Shining is as good as the movie, which should be enough to send you running to Borders. Even without Jack Nicholson, Jack Torrance is still a perfectly crafted character, and, perhaps because of the absence of Nicholson, he is a more relatable family man in the book than he is in the movie, which makes it all the scarier when the structure of the family starts to crumble. Aside from horror classics like those two books and others, such as Carrie (which, amazingly, is King’s first published novel), King has published in a number of other genres, from science fiction (The Tommyknockers) to children’s fantasy (Eyes of the Dragon, which he wrote for his young daughter). He’s also written a few books, such as The Stand, which defy genre and description, falling somewhere in between horror and science fiction, with a bit of apocalyptic epic thrown in there. If nothing else, read his already-famous and respected Dark Tower series, a seven volume epic that has its inspiration in Browning’s amazing poem, “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came.” The Dark Tower books, featuring Roland the Gunslinger (who, incidentally, is actually as memorable as almost any other character in American Literature), are one part American western romance, one part horror novel, and one part something really damned weird. It was just announced that King will be writing an eigth volume to the series, which will be published in comic book form by Marvel Comics. This means by fall of next year, King may conquer the last field of writing he hasn’t left his mark on. He’s already won a Quill Award for best sports writing, and won acclaim for film writing as well. If all of that weren’t enough (King is easily the most prolific living writer of novels that don’t suck), he’s also written a wealth of short stories, many of which are less horror-slanted and more undeniably
Stephen King The master of horror
good––they’ve won awards including the O. Henry prize. He’s also written one of the best books on writing, if not the best book, that I’ve ever read. With as much, and as varied, material as King has written, there’s really no excuse not to read him. No matter what your tastes are, he’s written something for you, even if you’re not the kind of person who’d ever read a book that sold more than 1,000 copies while its author was still alive. Stephen King is just that good, and no, he doesn’t need me telling you that, or you telling him that––but if you open your mind and try some of the books above, you may just find that you do end up needing him.
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THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
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A Weekend With The Women’s Volleyball Team
sports
Articles by JJ Fiddler Photos by Christine Johnson
‘Niners Fall To Mutangs In Five Game Thriller
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ike in the early rounds of a boxing match, the Long Beach State Women’s Volleyball team had conference rival Cal Poly up against the ropes—but not for long enough. After taking the first two games 30-27 and 30-26 in front of over 1,700 people in the Walter Pyramid last Friday night, Long Beach let the Mustangs back in it as Poly rallied and won games three, four and five in dramatic fashion to take the match, 3-2. “At the end of the third game [Cal Poly was] ready to go,” said Long Beach Head Coach Brian Gimmillaro. “We had [mistakes] and they said ‘Thanks, well take it.’” With the score tied 27-27 in game three, Over 3,700 volleyball fans came to the Walter Pyramid over this past weekend to root on their 49ers. After a heartbreaking loss on Friday night, the Beach came back to beat their rival and fellow conference front-runner, UCSB. The atmosphere in the ‘Mid was electric, especially on Saturday night against the hated Gauchos. Usually when I attend events, I sit in the student section. Most of the time not that many people show up, so it is easy to get a Spor t
sE dit or J.J
Long Beach held serve and momentum. But, after a service error and a deflection that went wide, Cal Poly took the game and was back in the match. The loss broke Long Beach’s six-game winning streak, which included a win against the same Cal Poly team in San Louis Obispo. “In the first two games, they were the same team we beat,” said Gimmillaro. “But not after the third game. They had 13 aces and 17 team blocks. Even in a five-gamer, if you can do that, you’re going to be all right.” Of the aces and blocks by Poly, none were bigger than those tallied in the dramatic final game of the five played. After a Long Beach time out, Cal Poly captain Vanessa Gilliam put one in the corner, running the score to 13-14 for a Poly game point. Long Beach was able to stay alive, denying Poly the victory on three consecutive game points, thanks to great plays from freshman outside hitters Ali Daley and Quincy Verdin. “I wish we would have been a little tougher at the end,” said Gimmillaro. “That [was] some of the best volleyball you will see.”
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front row seat. I sat at the press table for both games this weekend—next to the benches and right in front of the season ticketholders’ seats. Let me tell you, those people know their volleyball. They take it seriously. And they weren’t afraid to let the refs know about it. “You missed that one!” yelled one patron. “You were horrible last night too. At least we know you’re consistent.” I laughed, but only because in the student section one normally doesn’t hear chatter, other than the occasional chant. I wasn’t expecting it. Should I have been? I’m not saying that yelling at the ref is the
The Beach Slaps Santa Barbara After almost a four-year wait, the Long Beach State women’s volleyball team defeated UC Santa Barbara. Ending a seven-game losing streak against the Gauchos, the 49ers took game one 30-25, game two 35-33, and told Santa Barbara they needed to go home in game three, taking the match 30-19. “I was not going to go my whole career without beating them,” said senior Heather Laudato. And she doesn’t have to. “That was a good performance. We weren’t perfect every time, but we hung on,” said Head Coach Brian Gimmillaro. “On defense, Heather [Laudato] is as good [at her position] as I’ve seen.” Laudato recorded 14 digs in the win, giving her a career total of 1,549 and getting her 29 digs closer to the school record. Laudato was not the only senior
only way to show your support for your home team, but I think it’s part of it—making sure you refrain from using profanity, wink wink. I just wish all the chatter came from the student section. I wish all you could hear while in the ‘Mid is your own thoughts because of all the noise. Here’s our hometown ‘Niners, trying to keep pace in the chase for the conference title. It was loud at times, don’t get me wrong; but, in a game with so much riding on it, I wanted to see the stands bouncing with every point. And I think we can do it. As a student body, we need to be there to
to play exceptionally well. Senior defensive specialists Taylor Payton and Sara Kroneberger combined for three service aces and 17 digs, while Erika Chidester covered the whole floor, scoring 15 kills with a .469 attack percentage and tallying 14 digs. “We hate Santa Barbara,” said Chidester, who was a freshman the last time the Beach defeated UCSB. “We are tied with them for first [in the Big West] now… we want to hang a conference championship banner this year.” After dropping a tough match against Cal Poly the night before, the pressure is on the 49ers to win out in order to take the conference since the Gouchos are not expected to lose another conference game this year. “I think we learned a lot last night,” said Laudato. “We stopped talking to each other yesterday, but we kept communicating tonight.” support our peers as they take the field of battle. They represent us; it’s the least we can do. I would like to commend the students who did make it to the games this weekend. The team appreciates it, and when they come back home next weekend, and later this month, I hope the stands are packed to the brim so people like me can’t just walk to the front row and sit. Yell, scream, go crazy, have fun. It’s what the ‘Mid is there for.
Do You Want a Career in Sports? Update: Union Football Team THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005 page
By Jeremiah Mendoza Long hours and working weekends is the norm when working in the sports industry. I know this from my years of experience working and interning for different sports teams, leagues, organizations, and properties. Some of my work experience includes Long Beach State Men’s Basketball, AEG (owner of STAPLES Center and Home Depot Center), Association of Volleyball Professionals, US Tennis Association, and ESPN Original Entertainment. I have had both good and bad experiences working in the industry, and feel obligated to share my experience to those interested in pursuing a career in sports. Currently I am a grad student enrolled here at Long Beach State, in the Sport Management Program. Through my tenure in the program and jobs and internships, I realized the reality of working in sports. Realities #1 Long hours and weekend work. #2 Most internships are not paid and will not lead to a full-time job. #3 Competition is fierce. #4 In most cases, middle management consists of young adults restricting upward mobility. #5 The money is okay, so you better like your job.
Me (bottom left) with world-class surfer Rob Machado and ESPN X Games Staff.
Through my experience and accomplishments, here are some tips on landing a career within the ever-competing sport industry. Tips
#1 Start at the bottom and stay awhile. My first experience in the industry was being the Team Manager for Long Beach State Men’s Basketball for the 03-04 season. Employers look for commitment and dedication. Staying with a team, event, or league from beginning to end proves you can commit and be dedicated. #2 Get used to being the bitch Being an intern means anyone and everyone will assign you tedious tasks such as making copies, picking up lunch, running items, answering phones, faxing, physical labor, and maintaining pointless databases. We all hate doing these tasks— however, maintain a positive attitude while completing them. #3 Distinguish yourself from other workers Volunteer to work longer hours if there is work to be completed. Always ask others if they need help. Be willing and eager to take on more responsibility. #4 Foster and maintain relationships with people in the industry In the sport industry, it isn’t what you know— it’s who you know. Keep in contact with previous employers, ask for letters of recommendation, and conduct informational interviews with people you don’t know in the industry. #5 Don’t be a jock-sniffer Working in the industry requires professionalism; if you are in awe of professional athletes, it will not work out. Professionals only! Working in the Sport Industry is fun and a lot of a hard work. It takes dedicated individuals to get the job done. The work is rewarding if you are passionate about the job, so be passionate. If anyone has any questions, concerns, or comments regarding this article, please feel free to e-mail me at jeremiahmendoza1982@yahoo.com
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Since we last reported on the Union football team, several gridiron battles have been lost and won; but mainly lost. As it turns out, the Union team wasn’t exactly as crammed with athletic talent as we first assumed. The individual team members are strong in their respective areas, but in an ironman scenario, it’s proven hard to put all the pieces together. Dan is a lineman-goliath, quick off the offensive line and near impossible to stop—and unmovable on D. Mike and Noah, the two linemen on either side of Dan, have taken to the hyper-violence of flag football with alarming resilience, often breaking limbs and finishing games injured. Brian has gazelle-like speed and a knack for elusion; his hands, however, are believed to be composed of some manner of stone—possibly lime. Connor, arguably the most improved player, has become more visible as a receiver; his finesse is borderline laughable, as he can be seen re-parting his hair while his touchdown pass is still in midair. Patrick has taken the bulk of the quarterbacking burden; what he lacks in accuracy and decision-making, he makes up for with all-out ball-hoggery. Despite the depth of the Union team’s talent, the boys were surprised when the first half of the season saw a lot less “Ws” than were anticipated—roughly zero. The last game of the first half of the season was built up to monumental proportions, and dubbed by Coach Matt Llewellyn as the “Championship Game.” In true Mighty Duck fashion, the Union team mustered up the might to take home the trophy, although no championship trophy actually exists. With a big win under their belts, the Union team set out to do a little recruiting. The new members have shown a lot of promise, displaying great speed and excellent hands. One of the recruits has an arm well capable of relieving Patrick at quarterback, allowing for him to go out for some passes, and opening the door for flea-flickers and hook-and-ladder plays. All in all, the second half of the season looks much more promising than the dismal first half. The team remains confident that the new additions to the team will be the added ingredient needed to bring home a winning record and, God willing, a second miraculous championship. The Union football team can be seen tearing up the field every Tuesday and Thursday from 1-1:50, across from the parking structure, where the two massive goal posts are. Their attire has time and again proven to be the most colorful/visually offensive—holding to the Union’s promise: “Even if we lose, we’re gonna look damn good doing it!”
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By Melissa Tendencia Just like the band Journey, the Chicago White Sox didn’t stop believing after 88 years without a championship title. Since their last win in 1917, the White Sox managed to defeat the Houston Astros in a four-game sweep to become the 2005 World Series champions. Their win was overdue. So overdue that our world now is not the same as it was in 1917 (To emphasize this long period, let me mention that my great grandmother was a year old when the White Sox last won. Her whole life has almost gone by in the time it took for the White Sox to reclaim the title. It’s been THAT long.) The year when the White Sox last won the World Series, anyone who wasn’t white was banned from involvement in the Major Leauges. Forward to 88 years later: the White Sox’s manager is from Venezuela and the MVP award was presented to Jermaine Dye, an outfielder of African descent. Times have changed when it’s been THAT long. 1917’s “world” marked the US’s involvement in WWI and the birth of the famous “I Want You” poster with Uncle Sam. This world contained dramatically lower salaries, as well as the nonexistence of the Houston Astros. The 2005 National League representatives weren’t even formed until 44 years after the White Sox’s last World Series win. It’s been THAT long. Chicago’s luck in the 2005 season followed them to the very end. With an amazing season that finished with a 99-63 record, the White Sox also managed to carry 8 straight wins in their last games before taking the title. They didn’t just win the World Series; they dominated their postseason opponents. This is the second time in a row that the American League team has swept the National League in the World Series. Last year’s winning team, the Boston Red Sox, were also facing a drought like the White Sox’s. It took them 86 years to win another title since their last one in 1918. These past two winners have not only swept the World Series, but have also won after eighty-plus years. Coincidence? No. I think it’s just plain destiny. Watching the White Sox celebrate wasn’t just an average victory – it was a historic moment for them. Seeing them win brought goose bumps after realizing their 88 years of waiting finally came to an end. The White Sox provided a good story, like something you’d find in a Disney movie with a happy ending, since it’s been THAT long. Although their 1917 win and 2005 win took place in two separate worlds, no matter what world it is now, it is definitely a wonderful one for the 2005 Chicago White Sox.
Preseason Picks and Predictions From Casey Curran No NBA preseason is complete without asinine prognostication from a know-nothing pencil pusher. It is my solemn duty to fill this role for The Union, and boldly augur the important happenings in the upcoming NBA season. Here are 10 events that I GUARANTEE will occur at some point in the upcoming season.
solar plexus, Stan Van Gundy’s last words will be, “Et tu, Riley?”
1. Ron Artest will win the Defensive Player of the Year award. His acceptance flow will then win a Grammy for Best Rap Recording by a Solo Artist.
9. Darko Milicic will be sent down to the WNBA’s Detroit Shock, where he will put up solid offensive numbers (14 points, 8 rebounds per game), but will inexplicably struggle on defense.
2. “Isn’t it ironic? Lamar’s got the blunt, Kwame’s got the chronic. The Lakers will lose to the Supersonics.” 3. In envy of the Minnesota Vikings, the Portland Trailblazers will rent a 747 for an East Coast road trip, and initiate their cheerleading squad into the mile-high club. 4. Allen Iverson will be suspended for repeated violations of the dress code. It is highly probable that the final straw will be a t-shirt that reads, “David Stern and George Bush don’t like black people.” 5. One more Lakers prediction: After yet another painful, blowout loss to the Warriors, Phil Jackson will light up a post-game bleez on national T.V. 6. Brad Miller will spit a fat dip into Shaq’s eye, in retaliation for Shaq’s attempted beheading four seasons ago.
8. The Spurs will play bland, boring, vanilla, milquetoast basketball and win another championship. Also, Greg Popovich’s unexplained penchant for beige mock turtlenecks will remain unexplained.
10. The Eddy Curry heart-defect controversy will take a strange twist. Instead of a murmur, it will be disclosed that Curry, like the Tin Man, actually has no heart at all. Admittedly, a shocking revelation, but not so shocking once Curry’s past performances with the Bulls are looked upon in hindsight.
Southside Is Nationwide
By Ryan ZumMallen Take the I-55 South out of Chicago to the IL-171 North, and you’ll find yourself in the small suburb of LaGrange, Illinois, 13 miles west of the Windy City. This is where I spent my pre-teen years, and where I became a White Sox fan. Chicago is notoriously divided between the Cubs and Sox, Northside and Southside. LaGrange falls to the West, no-man’s land. The White Sox were the blue-collar working man’s team, tough and honorable. In LaGrange, you rooted for the White Sox and despised the Cubbies. There was pride in wearing a White Sox hat in Little League, if you were so fortunate to be on that team. A close friend once played an entire season without a hat when he was assigned to the Cubs. And so it came to be that from age 6 to 12 I lived and breathed the Sox. MVP Frank Thomas, Cy Young winner Jack McDowell, GoldGlover Robin Ventura. My favorites were Lance Johnson in center and Joey Cora at second. I moved to California in 1995, remaining true to my squad, waiting for the day that my dreams would be realized. I didn’t know what to do last Wednesday as Juan Uribe threw to first to bring the World Series Title to Chicago. I wanted to jump and yell, or lay down and cry, but all I could do was stare at the TV with my hands behind my head and mutter, “I can’t believe this,” with wide eyes. Finally Chicago was not under the spell of the Cubs. No, it wasn’t the same White Sox that I had worshipped as a kid, but it was the feeling that I had been longing for, a decade overdue. Many spoke of ending of the 88-year-old curse, the last time the Sox had last won a title. That was not my curse, not of my generation. My curse was an 11-year one, brought on by the ’94 strike, before which the White Sox were in total control of the AL Central and were likely to have won the pennant. It was surely not as long, but most surely just as sweet. I couldn’t help but reminisce as I watched manager Ozzie Guillen, first-base coach Tim “Rock” Raines, even third-base coach Cora—all members of the Sox of the early 90s, all members of the World Champion 2005 team. Their first chance at a title snatched away from them by higher powers, here they were, basking in the glory that had been owed to them for over a decade. I smiled as the kid in me let out a sigh of relief. Today, we spell redemption “S-O-X.”
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
A Different World Since Chicago’s Last Title
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11. The Golden State Warriors will end their playoff drought of 11 years. And yes, these go to eleven.
7. While blood oozes from a gaping wound in his In 2001 the Arizona Diamondbacks, the N.L. wild card, beat the New York Yankees for the World Series title. In 2002 the—at that time—Anaheim Angels won the With Brian Harris World Series, beating the Yankees in the divisional round, as the A.L. wild card. The 2003 World title went to the Florida Marlins, the N.L. wild card, as they beat the Yankees. Red Sox Nation celebrated last year as their A.L. wild-card team became the World Series champs after beating the Yankees in the championship series. Notice a trend? The World Series goes through New York, and has been won by the wild card team by alternating divisions since 2001. The Chicago White Sox, first place and in the A.L., however, disrupted this trend, but possibly created a new one? With this rationale of suppositious baseball beliefs, the next champ will be the team that hasn’t won a championship since prior to 1917? 2004 belonged to the Red Sox, who hadn’t won a world series since 1918. This year it was the White Sox, who hadn’t won a world series since 1917. According to this method, the team who should win the championship in 2006 is the Chicago Cubs, who haven’t won since 1908. Fighting the Billy Goat Curse and the rest of the Major Leagues, the Cubs will need to stay healthy next year to have a shot at fufilling their own destiny. Mark Prior and Kerry Wood espesially need to take care of themselves. In the tough N.L. Central, the Astros and Cardnials will be ready for whatever the Cubs can muster. Yet, are we reading too much into trends and superstitions? A player can be 0-for-40 against a certain pitcher, but that doesn’t mean that player can’t take that pitcher yard. Just because a team is down 0-3 in a seven-game series doesn’t mean that team can’t come back and win. A game is a game, and a series is a series. But when is it just history repeating itself?
Hot Corner
sports
Double Meanings: A Sports Dictionary
Stubblefield, Dana. Former San Francisco 49er— Used when referring to an area on a person’s body that was once shaved, but has since gone unkempt. Synonyms— five o’clock shadow, pricklies, sandpaper, brillo pad Example— Man one tells man two, “Hey, that space around your mouth looks pretty red.” Man two replies, “Yah, I was going down on my girl and she had that Dana Stubblefield. Now I know how she feels when when I don’t shave.”
g
ooley
Bag Snatchin
By Patrick D
This fun-loving activity will make you feel great about you rself. The expression on a child’s face wh en his year-long dream of free candy comes to a screec hing halt will fill you wit h warm enchantment otherwise only achievable throug h sexual gratification. When the child refrains from imm ediate crying, but you see the signs quivering lips and wellin that he’s ready to pop—the g tears—run back, get in his face and yell, “Now you r fucking candy is min e, you little kid-bitch!” Then run away. The only fee ling that can surpass the elation of making children cry is getting
Healthy Treats
By Noah Karp Standing on a front porch… oh boy… la watching the door swing open to revea to ed stuff et bask huge smiling lady with a ic Plast ils? penc of… loads with brim the ples? rings? Wax teeth? Ap Goddammit! It’s a trick! But be polite… search the basket for the treat nd that’s “best,” meaning “least lame”—a , wind up picking the wax vampire teeth and s piece off bite can you least because at n spit them at people. If you’re the perso the with ils penc ge oran who picked the e bats on them, then I’m sorry—but you’r ? If ween Hallo n il? O lame too. A penc r you need an explanation, you’ll neve
home, opening your can dy sack, and finding it ful l of other, stolen sacks. Bear in mind that you’re going for a very select age. If you nab the bag of a kid who’s a litt le older, you may get your ass beat. On the other han d, if you snatch from a kid who’s too young, he ma y be with his massive father , and again, you’ll probab ly catch a beat down. Yo u’ll ages of ten and thirteen— want kids between the they’re energetic enough to collect a large haul, and young enough to intimidat e.
understand. Look, people: Halloween means candy. This is an equation hard-wired into little ol kids’ heads more firmly than any scho r neve just it se oppo to g Tryin n. lesso tlesspoin the e realiz works well. Do you the ness of trying to promote health amidst year’s largest frenzy of holiday gluttony? in’ bang a at up ing show like s that’ Man, . frat party toting a six-pack of O’Doul’s time. g wron , Wrong place le I understand the fight, though. Peop on not But hily. healt more should eat Halloween; you don’t want to be “that house.” Otherwise, some trick-or-treatof ers will return with a “healthy” serving eggs.
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
at n wh xplai e o t e t hav migh u o y d l ile an getfu r awh a few for than o f e on to r a g e sport is at’s bette hat’s eing T h h e t s T ” . d min ball ple. be “scary ke blood e t o ’ s e a n p b o fa Id to ight tied tting some ying in t jersey love tr er than pu drawing a girl t d , t e of I n k e n a e riff. even b our che uying o hat nts d k a i p c m o y b st the on can eAJ s, or knive got off at esn’t? I rm as a titche upid fake Just Bdler u o s o o f d i y n o st ike all u and ; wh JJ Fid those it look l tume s old footb t I can’t st s o c ng an hi kes ha are der Bei ith a . you erlea ho wears good. W loween.” ood ma bed. e e s f h l i c e y w yw the and “Hal le bl t stab tom line: orts jerse thing cary the gu o be l well a litt n do no pseudo-s t Bot use a sp u stand e; that’s al e trying t yer with white pai . b to p d la m o it–– Being um costu orts cost hockey p mouth an .” Shut u ? going stume, d ostume. o l p s c r i e s c a e h h ood e. as a is the ve seen t orner of ckey play Unorigin is a g is lam thlete od tablet You’ ut of the c dead ho zy? Yes. . a a yer e is . La ng o e blo comi face. “I’m f the sort ockey pla er. Ther en fak h e o e y on th e nothing ot a dead ckey pla key has b n ho ar , hoc You ut you are st be a know I ju b , . s o t t e a Y kay th th It’s o rong wi w ng nothi Remember that guy who, early on All Hallow’s Eve, would By Michael Varemans answer the door to you and your trick-or treat comrades with a surprised look on his face, then run back into his house for the coin jar? That’s correct: this is the guy that gives you pennies instead of candy. What the hell is a child going to do with two pennies? When the bag is dumped on the table at the end of the night, the two poop-brown discs of metal roll onto the floor and under the fish tank, never to be seen again. Thanks a lot, ass. Children dream of this day, of Skittles, Airheads, Smarties, all of the majesty that comes with the intense sugar
Coins For Treats
rush. All of the candy sales, and this college dropout can’t even buy a bag of tootsie rolls. Now there are disappointing candies like Snickers, the unlabeled stuff, or the cheap gum that would pull your fillings out–– but all of that has trading value on the school’s post-Halloween black market. But two pennies? Honestly. You are just weighing down my pillowcase with your lethargy and possible alcoholism. Yes, some people gave quarters. Thanks for getting our hopes up. When I watched that unshaven behemoth sift through his mason jar of change, he passed by all the silver that I ogled and went straight to the brown. Toilet paper, anyone?
u, ing at yo not laugh ’s e n o ry e ing ev less, hop nd mask re. u e freedom ro a g walkin ing that they a vide you with all th e th ant but know tex mask will pro ever you L if you w ll things, ––in this case, a e Yes, a la become who asking B atex ik L ply. e best. pay the price d to em p yM M th su re ir a a s o y u nee e––all the whil possible to ask our ike ask b im Latex m ve to be willing currency and y rty with your to it t Gu g s n a in k w ir a a s a a p m h h te t , ta a ard r u d S u ty o th n o ti y a d y n , to e e g best aba our id , and soaking g your in Unit it? To stroll in Head, pointin ge y id a p e scio b e llin lien stran worth it can to breath at. Oh, and fi -y smell. s, isn’t it eger mask or A ore wigs or grew d n ie x e fr te t, la w Kru Bu with sw h that funky, Freddy s who just g uld be sweet-ass t your lame friend umes? costumin strils wit Halloween wo o f o n s e rs r e a st e hat laughing as part of their co hole new multiv those cheap pap Sigh––w without it? ), w te le p m facial hair mask opens up ou must resort to ing string on them d o c A latex Without one, y eadache-induc paratus, or, Go h p t st a s. a ie ju e th it h e il h c ’r s (wit possib n you ier-ma rate pap tions, the oard mask or cardb of painful, elabo ke all of those op a some sort keup. If you fors a m , id rb fo
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20
White Spots on Old
Candy
By Erin Hickey pointment Nothing says disap nothing says like Halloween, and like the little Halloween quite rts to appear sta t white film tha ages. It’s difit as te on chocola t feeling of ficult to match tha er trading aft , en utter despair wh ffy Taffy La na na ba all of my ’s ey Special for a single Hersh ck the foil ba Dark bar, I peel treat is at my t tha to discover its expiration least six years past with the “no date. This, coupled that has set y lic tradebacks” po y swapping nd ca for ard the stand ds, is enough in my circle of frien evening. It’s ’s to ruin anyone in their eightalways single men o distribute ies and nineties wh te; perhaps ola the tainted choc ir trick-orthe m fro it is leftover is no way treating days. There ce it has on te to salvage chocola ath, and de y film by been touched your dignity no way to salvage consumed it. once you have an undead th wi If confronted best course the l, rse mo chocolate of action is to run as fast and far as you can and, next time, opt for a Jolly Rancher.
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RUNNER-UP
by Amy C. Watson
by Kendra Groesbeck
Message From the Comics Editor:
Nobody can fully understand how hard it is to judge an ugly face contest. How can one face be uglier than another? After hours of studying countless submissions of ugly face drawings, I finally decided on the winner. Congratulations, Amy C. Watson! You have drawn the ugliest face ever! I would also like to give an honorable mention to Kendra Groesbeck as runner-up. Thanks to all the comic artists who sent in submissions. You guys made it a nasty contest indeed—now I’m going to wash out my system and go through a stack of GQ and Glamour magazines.
Keep checking the comics page for more exciting contests.
YOU’RE STUCK HERE by Victor Perfecto!
HARD-BOILED CRAIG by Craig Rohlfing
THE LONG BEACH UNION WEEKLY F THE STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER F 31 OCTOBER 2005
UGLIEST FACE EVER!
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HIPPIE IN THE CITY by Kendra
NEAN OELNYB
By Jennifer Gomez AEMED
OCAFARNOJ
Now arrange the circled letters to form the surprise answer, as Unscramble these four Union Jumbles, one letter to each square to form four ordinary words. suggested by the cartoon.
“These
witches also met with untimely withdrawals.”
comics
*
GRATMERA ESONJ
* If you can solve this jumble you are a genius. If not, contact the comics editor at androidwilsonx@aol.com for answers
Volume 57
Issue 10
3
Fake News Briefs At Their Very Finest Michael Jackson Falls In Love With Bahrain BAHRAIN - Michael Jackson has finally put his tumultuous past behind him, and has fallen in love with Bahrain, a small country on the Persian Gulf and his apparent new home. He gave a press conference from the Neverland Ranch yesterday. “I’m so glad you’re all here,” he said, “to share this wonderful news. I can’t wait for you to see Bahrain.” When asked why he was giving the press conference in California, instead of the country he’d be living in for the next part of his strange life, Jackson gave a confused look, and said, “Ladies and gentleman, please meet Bahrain!” A small, jovial boy took the stage and waved to the horrified members of the press. “I can’t wait to move in,” Jackson said with a wink.
Supreme Court To Ogle Anna Nicole Smith Case WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a drawnout battle with her late husband’s son in lesser courts, Anna Nicole Smith has brought her case to the Supreme Court. She argues that she deserves half of her late husband’s estate, a total that approaches $475 million. This amount, when divided by her years married, comes to about $475 million per year. Though she was initially awarded that amount nearly in full, the decision was overturned. A higher court then awarded her $88.5 million, which was also overturned; Smith claims that all she now wants from her Supreme Court case is “enough to finish paying off the TrimSpa
bill.” The case is set to start immediately. As Chief Justice John Roberts says, “We’ve been quite anxious to start scrutinizing her briefs.” The preliminary hearings will include consideration of such evidence as the documentary Playboy: Playmates Bustin’ Out and the 1998 Christmas Special.
Razor Scooters Still Trendy, Lone Man Insists LONG BREAK - CSULB student Ivan A. Sugadic has recently come forward as the last person on earth to believe that razor scooters are fashionable. Sugadic, a philosophy major, claims, “It’s a cross between a bike and rollerblades—you get the small wheels, but also a handle!” However, classmate Sue Bee has a different perspective to offer, saying that “the only thing Ivan has in common with bikers and rollerbladers is that they would both gladly beat his ass.” Sugadic also was also left recently by his girlfriend, but he maintains that the reasons are completely unrelated. “She just got involved with a much more ‘jocky’ crowd,” he says. “Those rebels who play Magic cards and D&D for keeps... I mean, how could I compete with a tenth-level orc?”
Little Brother With Valid Point Instructed To Shut Up LA CRESCENTA - Area younger brother Kirk was told to shut his piehole last night, regardless of the valid point he made at the dinner table during an argument between his older brother Nick and his parents. The re-
ported “heated discussion” began at roughly 7 p.m. over Nick’s opposition to a ban on Tijuana-related weekend trips, and from there devolved into a tangential screaming match, covering broad topics such as driving privileges and accusations of illegal drug use. “I merely thought that my objective perspective might help bring about a quicker resolution that both my brother and my parents would find suitable, so that we might be able to enjoy our steamed broccoli and meatloaf in relative peace and quiet,” commented Kirk, only to be promptly interrupted by Nick, who shouted, “See, he’s always doing that shit! Blah blah blah, with the whole ‘Your arguing is doing nothing to improve communication between you and our parents’ crap. Shut the fuck up, Kirk. No one cares what you say, you little shit! God, I hate this family!” Kirk, who has made over fifteen logical, concise comments over dinner during this month, only to have them ignored, simply responded, “Geez.”
Rosa Parks Takes Seat At Front Of Heaven ALABAMA - Civil rights icon Rosa Parks, at 92 years old, paid her fare last Monday to the big transit system in the sky. While extremely active in supporting African-American rights, she passed away before beginning her newest project, which she said was to “beat some blackness into that fool Wayne Brady.” This came after her unsuccessful attempt to “re-Africanize” pop singer Michael Jackson; some speculate that she intended to compensate for her first failure by attempting the impossible. Said Drew Carey, a former TV co-
actor of Brady’s, “It’s a noble thought, but no way could she do it. Wayne Brady is whiter than a Motel 6 bedsheet. In an igloo.” Parks died of natural causes, surrounded by her family in her Detroit home. Her last words, as recorded by her daughter, were, “So what if I was a good person—do I go to heaven now? Up in the white-ass clouds, with all them white-bearded angels in white robes? Fuck. It’s gonna be Alabama all over again.”
Designer Paul Frank No Longer Your Friend BOSTON - In a terse, uncomfortable voicemail message received last night, Paul Frank has informed you that he is no longer your friend. The message began, “Hey man, it’s Paul. Listen, dude, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve decided that you and I just aren’t going to be able to be friends anymore.” Frank went on to say that he has noticed that you wear his apparel a lot less now, and haven’t bought any of his Fall 2005 line. “You and I were close once, we really were. But since I’ve gotten popular, things have changed. You don’t buy my forty-dollar t-shirts. You didn’t even look at the catalog I sent you for your birthday. I know you lost your job and all, and I’m sorry to do this, but we can’t go on pretending that you don’t own a watch with a picture of my beloved cartoon monkey Julius on it. We can’t keep up this masquerade, with you wearing the Winter ’02 line in July, and me acting like it doesn’t make me look bad. And while we’re at it, you’ve gained a lot of weight. You don’t even fit into most of my purposefully undersized tees. Goodbye forever.”
Great Pumpkin from page 1
Pineablo: (Snappy, child still in hand) “What? Listen, you living joke! I won’t toss any more “Peanuts” unless you pull the “security blanket” away from your eyes. Don’t let this quandary make you “blue” in the face or you might get a “Linus” infection.” Pitts: (Coming around) “Wait…are you talking about Linus from Charlie Brown?” Pineablo: (Hot-tempered, child still in hand) “Yeah, mother fucker! Fucking Linus! You abandoned him like a wet cat in front of Sally!” Pitts: (Temporarily finding humor) “I’m afraid you’re mistaken, sir. Linus, Lucy, Snoopy, Pigpen, they’re all fictional cartoon characters. They’re not real.” Pineablo (Shaking head, CSIH) “Look, Pitts! You can’t trick me with your slippery tongue! I’m a God damned journalist. I get shit like you on my shoes every damn day. That’s why I wear steel-toed boots. You can’t fool me!” Pitts: (No longer finding the situation humorous) “Fool what?! They’re not real! I’m just a guy in a costume.” Pineablo: (CSIH) “HORSE SHIT!” As the profanity flew forth from Pineablo’s lips, some sort of Salinas Mall attendant made his way to the commotion on stage. Pushover Attendant: (Politely) “Hello! How are you today, sir? Is there anything I can help you with right now?” Pineablo: (Resolutely angry, CSIH) “And who the hell do you think you are?” PA: (Still polite) “Roger Tompkins, event coordinator for the food court here at the Salinas Mall.” Pineablo: (Wide-eyed, CSIH) “A-ha! Just the man I’m looking for!” Tompkins: (Open to suggestion) “What seems to be the problem, sir?” Pineablo: (Ultra confident, CSIH) “Well, Roger, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but someone has to stop this problem before it gets bigger. Roger, it appears that you’ve hired perverted liar to entertain the denizens of this fine facility.” Pitts: (Shocked) “He’s lying!” Pineablo: (Cynically, CSIH) “Trust me, Rog. This guy’s full of… well, I’d say what I’m thinking, but it wouldn’t be appropriate, what with all these impressionable kids around.” Pitts: (Still shocked, slightly timid) “It’s not true, Roger!” Tompkins: (Slightly agitated) “Look, Pitts. I told you a thousand times already. It’s “Mr. Tompkins” to you. Or “Boss.” Don’t forget that again.” Pitts: (Emotionally crippled): “Sorry, Boss. But
you have to believe that I would never do anything to hurt a kid. None of this is true.” Pineablo: (Confident, CSIH) “Oh, it’s true, Rog. It’s damn true.” Tompkins: (Semi-disbelieving, pushing over) “Is it, now? Then tell me, friend. Why should I believe you?” Pineablo: You don’t have to believe me, Rog. I brought a friend along. Pineablo, child still in hand, motioned toward the center of the court crowd as a disheveled man-child made his way to stage, a tattered, blue blanket in hand. Slowly, he pushed toward the hubbub, directly in front of Pitts. Pineablo: (pointing at this new person, CSIH) “Remember this face, Pitts? Remember this boy? Do you even know his name?!” Pitts: (Angry again) “No! I’ve never seen him before!” Pineablo: (Smart ass-idly, CSIH) “I didn’t expect you to remember him, Pitts.” Pitts: (confused) “So, who is he then?” Pineablo: (slowly and methodically speaking, CSIH) “Well, Pitts, Rog… this is Linus. At one time, Linus was a damn fine kid, a chip off the ol’ block. He was wet behind the ears with a thousand shooting-star fantasies, feet on the ground and head in the clouds. You know, kid stuff.” Tompkins: (Hesitant) “Just what are you getting at here, sir?” Pineablo: (Slightly perturbed, CSIH) “Rog, please. If you’d let me get through this without interruption, I might not have to go above your head and give this unfortunate info to your boss, “Boss.” Tompkins: (Wary and worried) “Oh, of course, sir. Don’t worry, we can take care of this right here and now.” Pineablo: (Ungratefully, CSIH) “Thanks, Rog. My point is this. Forty years ago, Pitts here was supposed to visit a particular patch where a particular Linus was waiting with a particular lady friend. He waited and he waited and, lo and behold, who didn’t show but Mr. No Show McGee here!” Pitts: (Worried about his livelihood) “Sir, I have no clue who these men are. I was only 8-yearsold around the time they’re talking abo…“ Linus: (Cock-eyed, crazy) “Why didn’t you show, Great Pumpkin? I waited all night for you to show. You were my hero.” Pitts: (Leaning back and away) “Look, kid… er… guy. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry it happened, but…” Linus: (Surly and drunk) “Sorry nuthin’! You ruined my life! I wasn’t alone in that pumpkin patch, you know!”
Tompkins: (Attempting to quell the storm) “Look, guys. I understand we have a disagreement here, but maybe we could take this up at a different time.” Linus: I was out there with Charlie Brown’s sister, God damn it! Have you ever talked to her? It’s impossible to shut her trap! I did it the only way I could think of, and it was the worst mistake of my life!” Tompkins: (Flustered and fuming) “Alright! I’ve heard enough!” Linus: “Woodstock was spying on us the entire time. I caught him sneaking a peak and had to do away with him. I couldn’t have him tell Snoopy. He would just tell Chuck, and I’d have been even more screwed. Oh, God damn you, Pitts! I’ve been living a lie for forty years!” Tompkins: (Finished) “Pitts, this is the fourth fruit-based journalist and third Linus who’s brought up something like this since we hired you. You’re fired.” Pitts: (Shocked…again) “Fired?! How can you do this? You yourself hired me to be the Great Pumpkin. You know for a fact that none of this is true.” Linus: “The worst part, though, is living with Sally. I hate that bitch. My family too. I hate my life. And I hate you, Pitts. I hate you for my life!” Pitts: “Look, I don’t know what you want from me, mister!” Linus: “I want change, damn it!” Suddenly, Linus pulled out a grimy revolver from underneath his blanket, wildly shaking it in Pitt’s direction. With a crazy look in his eye, Linus cracked a crooked grin as the crowd ran away screaming. Linus: “And it all changes now!” Tompkins: (Freaked the fuck out, running away) Oh, Jesus God in Heaven! Salinas wages aren’t worth this shit!” Pitts: (Shaking in his boots) “Hey! You asshole! Get back here!” Linus: (Resolved) “Oh, Great Pumpkin! Tonight, we meet for the first and final time! However, I won’t be bringing you treats, like you were supposed to do. No, the only thing that the Great Linus will be bringing is certain doom!”
Pitts: (Bargaining) “Oh…oh no! Linus, please! I’ll do anything? Don’t you need anything?” Linus: (Even more resolved) “I don’t need anything from you, Pitts. That is, anything except your soul!” Pitts: I’m not ready to die! Linus: This is the end for you, my pumpkin! Linus pulled back the hammer and tightly gripped the trigger. Just milliseconds away from exploding, Linus was about to fire when Pitts made a startling discovery. Pitts: (Looking around) Hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!!!!” Linus: “What? Stop stallin’!” Pitts: “Hey, Linus. Did you see where that pineapple went?” Linus: “Nope. Good bye, Great Pumpkin.” Pitts: Nooooooo! Nearly a mile away, on public transportation, Pineablo slyly slipped away into obscurity while reflecting on what went down in the Salinas Mall. Pineablo: (Child Still in Hand) “Holy shit! I can’t believe how well that worked… HOLY SHIT! I forgot to set this kid down. Oh, well… I wonder how much these things go for?”
Disclaimer: We made up what you just read. Impressed? We really don’t care...ßPlease Humor Us: pineablo@hotmail.
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Issue 10
Volume 57
The Awkward Second Page Of A 3-Page Grunion Where Everything Extraneous Seems to Fit Just Fine
The Grunion Presents: Ask Madden
D
ue to popular demand, beloved sports broadcaster John Madden has taken on his own advice column, lending his advice to nonathletes. Feel free to write in, young and old, and bask in his stupid-yet-colloquial wisdom.
Dear John, Lately my man and I haven’t been too hot in the bedroom. Things used to be great, but have dropped off considerably in the last few months. What can I do to entice my man and heat things up in the bedroom again? Languishing Labido
Dear John, I finally started college and I’m having a little bit of trouble fitting in. I just can’t seem to find a group that I feel comfortable with. I feel like everyone hates me. What should I do? Jaded in Jedidiah
Dear Languishing, A good defensive end is made up of two things, Pat: guts, passion, and Turducken. If he’s missing any of those things on game day, it’s gonna show. You gotta come like a refrigerator, step it up, and BOOM! Tough actin’ Tinactin. The name of the game is hustle. That’s why Above: “If you want to move the Brett Favre continues to dominate. ball, you gotta watch the snaps!”
Dear Jaded See now, this is an easy fix. You’re gonna run a four-man zone Prevent with a late safety in the backfield. That receiver is gonna come tearing down the line and then this guy just comes up— BOOM!!! You know, Pat, the road to Easy Street goes through the sewer. Dear John, Recently my girlfriend broke up with me, but only for business. I’m feeling quite sad and just don’t know how to get out of the funk I’m in. Can you help? Alone in Diamond Lake Dear Diamond, This is a clear case of men on the field; you simply have to have them to win a ballgame. When you have the right number of players, you stand a better chance winning the game, Pat. Don’t worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon.
Madden 95, Sega Genesis
Dear John, In the past few weeks, I’ve suspected that my girlfriend might be cheating on me. She walks out of the room when she gets phone calls, calls off dates at the last second, and always smells a little funny now, if you know what I mean. How should I confront her about my suspicions? Getting Screwed Around On in St. Louis Dear Screwed, St. Louis is a great football town, Pat, and I’ll tell you why. They got that great arch. Isn’t that thing great? Wow. Look if these guys want to have better traction, they’re gonna have to get cleats on the bottoms of their shoes. Like it or not, traction is an integral part of this game. If you see a defense team with dirt and mud on their backs, they’ve had a bad day.
Dear John, I work in an office with mostly men, and sometimes I feel very uncomfortable, even intimidated around them. Sometimes they make comments that are sexual in nature. I know that it’s mostly in good fun and just a joke, but I’m offended by it and I want it to stop. What are some steps that I can take? Stacked in The Office Dear Stacked, At the end of the day, this game is just eleven men on one side, eleven men on the other. Sometimes you play defense, and sometimes your offense is on the field. Some pases will be thrown and even some caught, but what it all boils down to, Pat, is this: the team that scores the most points is going to win it, and that’s football.
BKBTK from page 1
even taken an active role in the company’s research and development branch, dating back to the company’s founding in 1954. “He came up with the whole idea of putting our patties between buns,” says retired executive John Rider. “Half of the sandwiches you see on our menu are his ideas. What can I say? The man was a genius, and this is incredibly troublesome news. Hey, you don’t suppose he had anything to do with all those dead cats I found nailed to my front door, do you?” According to police reports, King walked into a peace officer station a few blocks from his home. He was covered in what was thought to be blood (recent tests show that the substance was residue from an Angus Steak Burger) with both hands in the air. “He just walked in and said, ‘Detectives, I’m afraid I’ve done it again,’” said Detective Richard Trickle. Moments later, King confessed to murders reaching back to 1954, which had been dubbed by police as the “BKBTK” murders. Even worse, King admitted that many of the missing pieces of flesh found on his victims had been added into the formulas of his various sandwiches. “It started innocently enough,” said King. “As you know, McDonalds has
Zombie from page 1
always been our number-one competitor. So as soon as I joined the company I began looking for ways to improve the sandwiches, to give us an edge against the competition. The first thing I tried was the “handwich,” which was basically just a charbroiled hand that I removed from a dock worker in Boise, Idaho.” The morbid menu of moribund manmeats goes on and on. Hamburger meats were commonly mixed with “buttock meat.” The “Vegetarian Baby Ear Salad” contained baby ears of corn, as well as eyelids. And the “chicken fingers” consisted of a pulverized chicken liquid poured into a wide variety of shapes, petrified and breaded (completely unrelated to BKBTK’s killings, but still incredibly gross). “I felt that it was time to turn myself in,” said BKBTK. “To be honest, I was begging to be caught all of these years. Recently, I’d gotten so desperate that I started crawling into people’s beds in the middle of the night, hoping they’d call the police. No one ever did. I even tried to ruin a football game once by running into the middle of the field, but people just thought it was cute and no charges were filed.” With BKBTK now safely behind bars, he stands to face trial within a matter of months.
gence, and intelligibility. Due to the heightened amount of zombie movies playing around Halloween, Americans across the country mistook our country’s third most valuable resource for hordes of zombie attackers. Most of the old folks have been rounded up, though there are still a few wandering here and there. They’re almost entirely harmless, however; as it turns out, the nearly-dead hunger for something different than the undead. CDC spokesman Richard Davis says, “They aren’t looking for brains, but hugs. It’s their food, their fire, their fuel.” Others have been spotted wiping “some shmutz” off the corner of a young girl’s lip, bargain shopping, and asking, “Who’s my cute little man?” No word on when the plague will be deemed officially past, but it’s probably best to stay inside until soldiers can clear the streets of any remaining stragglers. The government also warns that if you see any of them driving, you should take cover immediately, as they are known to be incredibly dangerous behind the wheel.
Opinions & Junk
God Is Kind of An Asshole Goddamnit, what is that guy’s problem? I mean, seriously, who the hell does he think he is? Just because he’s omnipotent, he should screw around with everyone’s lives? Hurricanes, tsunamis, Republicans—all he’d have to do would be wave his magic, redwood-size wand to make them all disappear. He could blink and erase all the pain and suffering in the entire universe. But no. God never uses his powers to actually help anyone. He’s too busy making new planets and rainbows and shit. Think about it––isn’t it always the good people who get cancer? Isn’t it always the sleazy assholes who make a billion dollars? Have you ever actually seen someone get their come-uppance? No—it’s always, “Oh man, I stubbed my toe. Guess we’re even for killing that little girl—right, God?” It’s not new, either—all the way back to the old Testament, God has been a stingy, petty little bitch. First, people eat the magic apple, so men have to sweat and women have to get PMS. Then people are too lazy, so he drowns the whole planet. The whole planet! Not
Matt Bass Disgruntled Human
even my mom is that harsh. And then there’s the story of Job––maybe you’ve heard it. Job was, like, the best in the world, and he loved God. So Satan basically bet God that if God were to ruin the guy’s life, he wouldn’t love God anymore. So what does God do? Smashes the guy’s house, kills his family, and probably gets him up the ass with a broomstick to boot. Then, to top it all off, have you heard what he thought would be a good way to make it up to us? The guy sends his only son down to earth to let him be tortured and mocked, under the façade of thinking that’s going to help mankind. This is the guy we’re letting run the cosmoverse? This little baby of a deity? For Christ’s sake, man, it’s ridiculous. But whatever. It’s not like I’m mad––I don’t even give a crap. So go ahead and keep worshipping him, and praising the beauty of his natural disasters, and hoping he doesn’t just randomly decide to exterminate everything you love in the world. But remember, if he does, the tears you’re crying is really just God shitting on your face.
I Don’t Go As You For Halloween Hey! You over there, you in the fancy shirt with your little kid in that hobo getup! How would you like it if I were to dress like you and go asking for handouts? Oh, look at me, I’m a rich guy in a suit and I avoid eye contact with people who make less money than I do—gimme some candy! You make me sick. It’s either that or the rheumatism. Hey! Just ‘cause you spread some coffee grounds on your kids face and cut the fingers off the ends of some gloves doesn’t give you the right to go parading around town, defacing the image of my peoples. Just because I don’t have money, or a home, By Hobo Jones or a family to speak of, or clean un- Food Philatelist derwear, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings too! Why don’t you dress your kid up like the harelip from the grocery store, or the handicapped woman you feel like you have to hold the door for? Huh? What do you have to say about that? Well, hey! I have got some news for you, my friend; we hobos need some candy too! And we need it all year long. Just ‘cause my gunny sack isn’t being used as a trick-or-treat bag—because it’s holding my collection of porno and soiled underwear—doesn’t mean that hobos don’t like Halloween. Hobos like Halloween so much, in fact, that it’s like a super-holiday. It’s like Hobo-Christmas and Hobo-Thanksgiving all rolled into one, delicious, candy-corn-coated day. Hey, what do you mean, “What about Hobo-Chanukah?” Of course there’s no such thing as Hobo-Chanukah—Jews ain’t poor. But Halloween’s a holiday where you pay off panhandlers to leave your stoop! And you celebrate it gladly! Let’s make every day Halloween, huh, how ‘bout that idea? Hey, you know what?! It’s people like you that make it tough for us Homeless-Americans to panhandle any other day of the year. You think that since you gave some Tootsie-Rolls to some precocious little scamps in a tattered overcoat last October that you’ve done your part for the rest of the year. Well let me tell you one thing: those Tootsie-Rolls can only feed me so long before I have to start using them as bait to catch stray dogs and cats and disembowel them in the alleyway behind that trendy bistro you enjoy so much. You ever try making a trashcan rotisserie? It’s not as fucking easy as George Foreman or Ron Popeil would make it seem! Hey! Don’t turn your back on me! Just because I have a stench that would choke a bison doesn’t mean that I’m good for nothing! Use me as an example, if you have to! Take your children down by the railroad tracks and force them to take a long look at those people—because you many not know this, but I was a hobo for Halloween one year. Thirty-five years and three drug habits later… look at me now. It could be your child one day. Karma is a bitch like that.
Disclaimer: So, this is the third one of these so far for this week. I think it may be overkill . . . uh, don’t get offended, please.
THE NEWEST NEWS SOURCE FOR THE NEWSIEST NEWS
grunion.lbunion.com
Today’s Headlines Interview: The Grunion Guts the Great Pumpkin Classic Charlie Brown Halloween Character Not So “Great” After All
L Hot Topic Presents Tim Burton With A Lifetime Achievement See WASHED UP page 4 Award Rapper “Bow Wow” Ironically Mauled By Great Dane
See LIKE DEAD page 6
Local Area Man’s Beard Growing See NECK BEARD page 8 In Patchy I.R.A. Now Completely Disarmed, Hammered See ARMY? HA! page 12
Dog Clan Changes Costumes After A Tense Misunderstanding
See TURK McDANIELS page 23
Horse Strays Into Local Bar; Punchline Ensues See HAY!!! page 28 Extreme Athlete Experiences Extreme Lumbago See ICY HOT page 33 “Sport Fishing Probably Isn’t A Real Sport,” Experts Say
See The South page 139
New Studies Show Widespread Cases Of Impotence Among See The South page 2005 Women
The Grunny-Shot Mayostains, like most aspiring dictators, has many bodies laying around with no way to get rid of them.
4 Ways To Get Rid Of A Dead Body In A Festive Halloweenie Way
1. Oops, dead body in the punch - party foul! 2. Wear the skin as a mask and be Colin Farrell’s liver for Halloween. 3. Prop four corpses up in your living room during a party and say that the Rolling Stones stopped by. 4. Scatter some bodies in the street and tell kids that the ghost of Katrina passed through.
ast Saturday, the Grunion was lucky enough to catch up with the legendary icon of All Hallows’ Eve, Elliot “Great Pumpkin” Pitts. Pitts, whose gourdly moniker was made famous in “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, has been criss-crossing the States on a ten-city mall tour since the start of October. As school children and pedophiles crowded pumpkin patches nationwide, hoping for a glimpse of his greatness, the Grunion caught up with Pitts in the midst of a “meet & greet” at the Salinas Mall. As the “Great Pumpkin” Pitts sat atop center stage in the food court eating area, Pineablo rushed Pitts in a flurry, tape recorder in hand, and turned the supposed “meet & greet” into an unnecessary spectacle of unemployment, teardrops and death. Pitts: (To a child on his lap) “Hello little friend! And what treats would you like the Great Pumpkin to bring to your patch this year?” Pineablo: (Rushing stage) “ALRIGHT, PITTS! The jig is up! I’m onto you! Cast the lil’ shit to the grit, pal, cause you got some ‘splainin’ to do! Pitts: “Why, whatever do you mean? Who is this Pitts you speak of? I’m the Great Pumpkin, here to grant the world’s Hallowishes!” Pineablo: “Grant wishes, huh? Why? So you can abandon me in a God damn pumpkin patch and make me looke like a fool in front of my special lady friend? I don’t think so, pal.” Pitts: (Covering the child’s ears, whispering) “Hey, mister. These people came to see the Great Pumpkin. They’re just kids, for God’s sake! Don’t take this away from them!” Pineablo: (Moving toward Pitts) “I’m afraid you leave me little choice, ELLIOT!” Pitts: “What? HEY! What are you doing?!” Pineablo: (Taking child off of Pitts’ lap) “AT-
TENTION! Attention everyone! I have an important announcement to make! I need everyone in here to shut up and listen to what... I... have... to... say!” Pitts: “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” Pineablo: (Pausing… straightening monocle …pausing … looking around… pausing… shoots arms in the air) “I’M FULLLLLL!” Child: (Groaning, slapping hand to face). Pineablo: (Laughing, child still in hand) “Seriously though, folks! This man is no good for anyone and is a horrible influence on your children! Don’t put your fucking kids in this son-of-a-bitch bastard’s arms. He’s a fraud, he’s Above: It was an age of innocence, an age that didn’t last a phony, he’s a liar and nearly long enough... he’s most definitely a Pitts: (Confused) “Why is that?!” possible sex offender!” Pineablo: (Child still in hand) “Oh, like you Crowd: (Gasping, sporadically fainting). don’t know? Think back, Elliot. Way back, Pitts: “WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU?! about forty years ago.” Folks, please! If you’ll give me a moment to Pitts: (Baffled) “Forty years? I really don’t explain.” understand what you’re talking about. I was Pineablo: (Nodding furiously, child still in in elementary school then.” hand) “Hey, you heard it here first, folks! Pineablo: (Even more snide, child still in You do all you can for your kids, and then hand) “Nice excuse, liar. On another day, this pederast ringmaster comes along and I might’ve believed you. Unfortunately for taints your handiwork like the God damn you, I know the truth.” circus was in town!” Pitts: (Taken back) “The truth? What truth?” Anonymous Bystander: “Good Lord Al- Pineablo: (Child still in hand) “You know. A mighty!” cold field of pumpkins. A little boy with a Pitts: (Yelling) “I can’t believe what heart of gold. Remember now? He waited all you said! I’ll never work the mall circuit night for you. You were supposed to show so again!” you could back up his shit!” Pineablo: (Snidely, child still in hand) “Well, Pitts: (Entirely unsure) “I’m not quite sure I maybe that’s the best thing that could come understand what you’re saying, sir.” out of our dainty little situation.” See Great Pumpkin page 3
Zombie Horde Revealed To “Burger King” Admits Be Elderly, Seeking Attention to BKBTK Killings TEXARKANSAS - Young Joshua McFadden’s horrifying zombie experience turned plain awkward last week when he realized that the pack of zombies he’d been avoiding for hours was, in fact, his grandmother’s Senior Community out on a really long lunch. The young man made the discovery when the slow-moving, drooling group of discolored geezers finally cornered him. The zombie leader approached him, Josh presumed, to eat him. Then, placing her bony, gnarled fingers on his shoulder, she whispered in a grating voice that sounded like burning leaves exploding from a grave under a willow tree, “Oh honey, you’re skin and bones. Eat something.” Similar discoveries were made across the country, either because family members revealed themselves, as in the McFadden family’s case, or because of faulty dental glue. Debbie Gruden said, “This zombie—I mean, ‘senior citizen’—bit my thigh, and when he pulled back, his dentures stayed stuck. He
seemed pretty embarrassed—and that’s when I realized he probably wasn’t a member of the undead legion.” That realization came too late for some, however, as a great many of the “zombies” had already been disposed of by the time word spread about the misunderstanding. “It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” said one man, speaking anonymously. “Here came this zombie, dragging itself feebly up my steps, and it was my aunt, man, my aunt. I figured those fucking zombies got to her, and turned her into one of them. I mean, she smelled awful, and her hair was all gooky, and her eyes were yellow. I just assumed it was a zombie Aunt Flo, and that it was either her or my family. I chose my family, and cut her head off with the paper-cutter blade. It turns out she just wanted a hug.” Officials believe the confusion arose because of the similarities between zombism and old age––the decreased motor functionality, speed, intelliSee Zombies page 2
LONG BREAK - Bernard King, known to his friends as “The Burger King,” recently owned up to another moniker last Wednesday when he confessed to the grizzly “BKBTK” (Burger King Bind Torture Kill) murders that have plagued Long Beach since 1954. “I’m BKBTK,” said King. “I’m the guy they’re after, 100%” King has served as the spokesperson for Burger King, appeared in commercials, and has See BKBTK page 2
If so, then do I have a job for you! Next week, it could be your exciting warning that fills this space. For more information, contact Pineablo: Pineablo@hotmail.com. Be there are be square!! Anyhoo, the Grunion is one sweet piece of satire (i.e. not really true, but not really fake). It’s purpose is to
fuzz the barrier betweenthe United States and the Land of Mordor. If you are offended by really messed up crap, stop reading now and get a sense of humor. The authors are all CSULB students. Their opinions do not represent those of the Union , the ASI, CSULB, muthafuckin’ snakes or even the authors. If the content offends you after reading this dislcaimer, tough shit, bitch. I told you what kind of stuff we printed three or four sentences ago. See? You’re Learnding.........
Volume 57 Issue 10
Disclaimer (Ze Fine Print): Have you ever wanted to do something more? Did you ever think that you could write this block of text? Does the exciting world of disclaimers intrigue you?