[Issue 59.3] Alternative = Different. Different ≠ Bad. Letter from the Editor
W
ith the rise in popularity of publications like The Onion and broadcasts like The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report, you have to begin wonder why so many people are turning to alternative news outlets for their news. Is it simply because these forms of media are comical, and allow people to passively stomach the news? Or is it because mainstream forms of media like FOX News, CNN and The Today Show are so inbred with corporate influences that they’ve become all-but-indistinguishable from supermarket tabloids? Or is it a case of the latter fueling the former? You may also be asking yourself why you care. You are, of course, a college student and don’t really follow the news behind the news. You know that Bill O’Reilly is a jackass and that Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are the funniest men on the face of the planet. But what I find so interesting is that we are in a period of history where the traditional media has become the target in many peoples’ crosshairs. The old schools of journalism are starting to lose their stranglehold on how people want their information given to them, and as such, are scrambling to grasp a foot-hold so that they don’t lose their dominance in the media. In March 2006, I attended a conference in New York for members of student media. The keynote speech of this conference came from Bill Keller, the Executive Editor of The New York Times, who gave us a bleak outlook on the future of journalism. First he acknowledged the slow death of print media, referring to complete format overhauls, major mergers, and the elimination of many small-market newspapers across the country; then, during the Question and Answer portion of the speech, one bright-eyed young woman asked what it would take for her to be able to work for The New York Times. In no uncertain terms, she was told that it took decades of work at smaller publications before they would even begin to consider her, or anyone else in that room, for a writing position. Later that evening, last year’s Union Weekly Editor-in-Chief Patrick Dooley and I took a small trip to the newsroom of The New Jersey Star-Ledger, a typical small-market newspaper. The attitude here was the same as Bill Keller’s. The reporter who was kind enough to tear himself away from his desk for twenty minutes to show us around talked about nothing but downsizing and the horrible state of the industry. He told us that The Star-Ledger has not made new hires in almost a decade, and because of a special contractual obligation, none of the current staffers could be laid off for financial reasons. This meant that there would be no new hires for quite a while longer, if ever. These reporters were some of the lucky ones; not all publications have the same downsizing policies.
Just ask anyone at The Press-Telegram. Long Beach’s own small-market newspaper, and probable future employer of CSULB’s many journalistic hopefuls, has found itself in a whole heap of financial trouble, and as a result, has lost a large portion of their staff. To add insult to injury, The Press-Telegram was then forced to sell its historic building to a firm intent on adding even more high-end condos to the downtown area. The Press-Telegram will move its offices for the first time since the mid 1920s, signifying the end of an era. So where are young journalists to turn to? They can’t write for the big-boys like The New York Times until they have experience in a small-market newspaper. Yet the small-markets aren’t looking to expand their stable of writers due to heavy financial crises. The irony here is that the amount of small-market publications will continue to decrease as the number of journalistic hopefuls continues to grow. Students have been tricked into thinking that there is a market for their talents, and that a Journalism degree and a small amount of work on an independent daily tabloid newspaper will ensure a job on the hottest beat The Los Angeles Times has to offer. Students have their heads filled with the romantic idea of being a journalist, and arrogant professors teaching the old school of journalism are continually compounding that image without revealing to them the true nature of the industry. There is, however, a growing market for writers in the alternative media. These Journalism professors should not be brainwashing their students into believing that the alternative media is somehow less credible than traditional media; it is a sign of ignorance and weakness, and is the same tactic that racists, bigots, and homophobes have used over the years to holdback the advancement of minorities and homosexuals. Simply because the alternative media chooses to focus on more eclectic subject matter than their traditional counterparts does not mean that either is doing news the “right” way. In both cases, the publications are providing information to their readers, but the real difference comes down to the quality level of content provided. Alternative publications are providing their readers a more real and honest look at the news from a perspective that the reader can relate to, rather than the cold, sterile format of the inverted pyramid. It’s good for the readers, but it’s even better for the writers; creative writers for the alternative media are preparing themselves for a career in writing, something that can translate across several different fields, rather than pigeonholing themselves into a dying profession. The face of media is evolving, and journalism professors (and students they influence) shouldn’t be afraid to embrace it.
-Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
Are you interested in working for the Union? Over the past couple of weeks, we have seen a surge of interest in working for The Union Weekly. If you are one of those people, listen closely because I am going to tell you what I have told everyone else: working for The Union Weekly means doing something. Anything. We aren’t your traditional publication, which means we don’t play by the traditional rules. We are not interested in holding your hand while you decide whether or not you want to write for us or the other campus publications. If you want to be published; if you want to become a better writer; if you simply want to be a part of your Student Newspaper, then simply become a part of it. If you’re interested in helping out, please email myself (brian@lbunion.com) or any of the section editors listed to the right of this column. If you don’t know how to get started, simply pitch an idea for an article, column, or just an idea to the section editor of your choice, and they’ll help you go from there. The Union is CSULB’s loudest voice, and we’re looking for people to make it louder. We also have positions available for people interested in taking photographs, drawing illustrations, creating graphics, or helping to sell ads. If there isn’t a position for what you’re interested in doing, then it’s your duty to help make it. Stop by our offices on Fridays at 2pm to be a part of our regular staff meetings. Meet editors and writers and see how we put this beast together. Or stop by O’Malley’s this Thursday night to see us in our true form.
Attention: Media Board Openings! Would you like to help influence the effectiveness* of your campus Media? Then apply to be on the ASI Media Board. The Media Board is a governing body for the Long Beach Union Weekly, The Goldmine Yearbook, and Kbeach Internet Radio. Applications are being taken currently for At-Large Members. You may file your application in the AS Government Offices 3rd Floor USU. Call 562-985-9316 and speak to John Trapper for more information. *Note: “influence the effectiveness” does not include influencing content or altering budgets.
2
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Public Relations Director Conor Izzett Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Erin Hickey Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design
brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com carolynn@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com pat@lbunion.com
beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com jenperry@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com
sales@lbunion.com
Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Giuliano De Pieri, Jimmy Dihn, Wesley Whitehead, Katy Parker, Vincent Girimonte, Cynthia Romanowski, Katy Thomas, Eric Bryan, Christine Hodinh, Marcus Bockman, Jacquelyn Day, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, James Kislingbury, Zilla, Victor! Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web
1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com
11 September 2006
Opinions
Life After Graduation By Wesley Whitehead Contributor Last week’s Union was filled with articles about the trials and difficulties of graduating, but none of those articles actually seemed to focus on what is to be done with the degrees you are working so hard to earn. I completed my B.A. in Psychology in the Fall of 2002. Unfortunately, the thought I put into my degree and how it related to my future did not go too much further than: 1.) Experimental psychology and conducting therapy sessions is not for me. 2.) I want to complete my degree as quickly as possible so that I can leave the area. 3.) Once I get my B.A. I’ll be a substitute teacher. 4.) Most of the Psychology classes I’m taking are easy. It was not until I reached my final semester that I began to realize that what I wanted to do was to teach English. Instead of buckling down and taking care of business properly, I frigged around, took a semester or two off and six units or so a year. I learned the hard way that substitute teaching does not come with health insurance. I have also grown to accept that just because a class is “easy” does not necessarily mean it will be useful. Now that I’ve committed myself to properly finishing my education, I am being rewarded with tuition that is 50% higher than what my parents were paying in the early 2000’s and an extra week of school each semester. I’m not writing this article to gloat or whine. In fact, I probably can’t even tell anybody how to properly assess whether or not the program they are currently in will lead them to a better future or career. Though I think I’m on the right path, because most of the classes I’ve been taking are ones that I actually enjoy attending, and that seem relevant to my future, I can’t know for sure. I suggest that you give it some thought and try to determine whether your B.A. will be a key that unlocks the door to your future, or a piece of paper that won’t even get you into a job interview. If you realize that you are going down a path that does not lead to where you plan to be in the future, you may want to begin taking care of business properly as soon as possible. Once you graduate, start working, and get out of the school habit, you may find that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to return to school and earn the degree you need for a better future for you. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Why I Don’t Despair By Conor Izzett Business Manager
T
he last few weeks have been thick with media tributes to the anniversary of some tragedy or another. Unless you’re a staff member of the 49er, you’ve noticed the stream of Katrina coverage and this week, you will undoubtedly be subject to the annual masochistic reliving of the September 11th tragedy. I find some people’s strange obsession with the anniversary off-putting, along with the “never forget” tagline that goes along with it. It seems to me that moving on after a loss is the only option available that affords one their sanity. That being said, I usually avoid the long, repetitive tributes to those we have lost, not out of disrespect, but out of concern for my own emotional well being. I am a very big Jon Stewart fan. He and Stephen Colbert, along with the stars and writers of The Daily Show, I have long said, are doing the most important and groundbreaking work that has been on television since the debut of Saturday Night Live. So when a friend of mine asked if I’d seen Jon Stewart’s speech from The Daily Show’s first post-9/11 broadcast, I was surprised to find myself saying no. I quickly found the clip on YouTube, which presented a mournful Stewart. He started off with an apology. “I’m sorry to do this to you,” he said. “It’s another entertainment show beginning with an overwrought speech of a
In The Beginning By Katy Parker Contributor You may not have known this, friends, but when God began creating the heavens and the earth and the institutions of higher education, the CSULB campus was but a shapeless, chaotic assembly of backpacks and confused high school graduates meandering aimlessly through dark squalor and brooding vapors. On the first day, God said, “Let there be light!” and light appeared. And God was pleased with it, but he felt that it needed something more. And God said, “Also, um, let there be a taco bar on the front
11 September 2006
lawn of the Los Alamitos hall. Let the children eat churros off of paper plates and enjoy their popular rap music, and let the party be jammin’.” And so it was, and God was pleased. It went on like this for the first six days. “Let frisbees fly through the air,” said the Almighty. “Let us concoct a liquid that overrides the inhibitions of man.” “Let there be frat parties.” “Let there be more frat parties.” “Let us create just a few more frat parties.” Now, at long last, the college experience had been created. On the seventh day, God ceased his work, shut the blinds, hit the snooze button, and called it a day. It was on this seventh day, after everything
shaken host.” Fighting back tears, he began to speak. “I wanted to tell you why I grieve, but why I don’t despair,” and quite suddenly, it all came rushing back. Tears welled up in my eyes. It was one of those moments of pure honesty, where all the veils are dropped and the walls come down. For about eight minutes, Stewart struggled through a speech that was sincere and self-effacing. “Subliminable,” he said, “is not a punch line anymore.” It was the first thing in five years that has really brought me back to the way I felt on that day. This small paragraph in no way does it justice, and is certainly no reflection of its weight. As the clip ended and his speech came to a close, it dawned on me that this man, in this moment, became the voice of our generation. In the recent past we have looked to musicians like Lennon and Dylan to do our speaking for us, to express our generational ideals, and for a long time I had wondered who that musician would be for us. But it quite powerfully occurred to me that the voice of our generation happened to come in the form of a comedian. He didn’t talk about revenge, or hate, or cry eye for an eye. He just cried. In his speech Stewart expressed a love for this country’s principles, especially free speech, and communicated a supreme admiration for American imagination and ingenuity. But in the days and years following this speech, the state of this nation’s leadership has become so detestable that I had all but forgotten our great became quiet, that I came out of hiding and decided to write an article for the Union Weekly. I began this week-long endeavor anticipating that college would be similar to a brand new diaper on the pristine babybutt-cheeks of my young life. I walked from class to class with a fresh, clean feeling, murmuring, “I’m a big kid now. I’m a big kid now,” and for a while, it felt that way. I made a small handful of friends--one was a nice man who seemed really excited about magazines. The more subscriptions I bought, the closer we became. There later came several chortling, shifty-eyed sorority girls patting me on the shoulder, telling me that everything was going to be alright. I even chatted it up with a few squirrels, but they disillusioned when
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
doctrine of beliefs. Beliefs that allow satire, and descent, and freedom. So let me tell you why I mourn, but why I don’t despair. I mourn that we have allowed our freedom to be used in the name of war. I mourn that our initial reaction of pulling together has been torn apart by those who would prefer us divided. I mourn that I have been forced to shy away from identifying myself as an American out of shame. I mourn that fear has driven many of our nation’s actions in the last five years. But I don’t despair. I don’t despair because we live in a nation where the voice of a generation can be a man like Jon Stewart. I don’t despair because I, as an American, come from a long line of descent and rebellion; two things that freedom thrives on. I don’t despair because I have hope, and I’m not the only one. The greatest Americans are the ones who truly believe in its ideals, and are not afraid to act according to the those ideals. In the aftermath of 9/11, Stewart is a true believer, and he has the ability and the courage to makes others believers as well. Thanks to him, subliminable is a punchline again. I strongly urge you to watch the speech at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v+ZfOZ1CuJ6w, or just go to YouTube.com and search “Jon Stewart 911.” Questions? Comments? Conor Izzett can be reached at conor@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
they found out that I don’t have nuts. To be honest, the whole process has been a bit complicated, and quite humbling. I really thought those squirrels liked me, and I really expected something different. In response to a recent question posed in the “Letter From the Editor” of the Union, I re-examined the expectations that I had brought with me to college. I guess I assumed that the merits and wisdom of a senior year in high school would transcend all the way over to “The Beach,” but what I have come to realize is that I am, once again, a lost freshman. I suppose that all I can do is live with that for now and try to avoid any small, nut-loving rodents. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
3
[Opinions] Katie Couric: News’ Number One Enemy The Rich: The Poor’s Number One Enemy By Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondant
By Brian Dunning
I
Editor-in-Chief
n an attempt to right a sinking ship over at the CBS Evening News, Katie Couric was stolen from the soft-news morning show, Today to plug the enormous hole left behind in the wake of Walter Cronkite’s departure. Couric made her evening-news debut last Tuesday to heaps of praise by many publications across the country, some even on this campus. She was lauded for breaking into a nightlynews program as the first solo female host. It was a landmark achievement for the entire female gender. However, she was not commended on her performance. And how could she be? Couric began the show by referring to the Taliban as, “al-Qaeda’s best friends.” Best friends? Excuse me? I thought we were talking about terrorist organizations that thirst for the blood of innocent people, not a couple of middle school bullies making a blood-brother pact behind Mrs. Johnson’s 3rd grade classroom. Hell, I don’t even blame them for hating us now, because if you ever wanted a reason why terrorists hate Americans, you need to look no further than Katie Couric’s inane banter, and what apparently passes for ‘news’ in this country. Speaking of news, in a segment called “Snapshots,” Couric reported the release of Suri Cruise’s baby photos by comparing the child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to the 1948 baby photos of Prince Charles, the Prince of Wales. Actually, she reported the release of a Vanity Fair magazine featuring the first baby photos. Thank Zenu! If it weren’t for Couric’s hard-nosed investigative reporting, millions of people would have missed out on seeing the photos on newsstands, Access Hollywood, or the Internet within hours. Apparently this qualifies as news, but if the segment wasn’t asinine enough, Couric delivered the piece in the same somber tone that she used to report the violence in Afghanistan, and ended the segment by informing
4
viewers that the “top-secret” article on Suri Cruise was “completed in an undisclosed location under heavy security.” I thought the kid looked a little like Cheney. Couric capped off her first broadcast with a series of videos mocking the profession: Ted Knight as Ted Baxter, the inept broadcaster on the Mary Tyler Moore Show; and Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, the inept broadcaster from Anchorman both provided their signature sign-offs as Couric asked her viewers to help choose one of her own. In the end, I began to wonder what was the bigger joke: the comedy of Ted Knight and Will Ferrell perfectly satirizing the overconfident and chauvinistic anchorman, or Katie Couric perfectly embodying the naïve and mildly attractive female anchorperson. I thought I’d cut her some slack though; maybe it’s just a case of the first-show jitters. Surely she won’t make the same mistakes two nights in a row. But then it happened: “al-Qaeda, America’s Number One Enemy.” Please dear God; tell me when it will end. Why does she feel the need to come up with cutesy nicknames for al-Qaeda? You know what though, I’m sure the Taliban has to be a little jealous that their best friend is the Number One Enemy and they’re not; I bet al-Qaeda totally thinks they’re all that. Is “terrorist organization” not catchy enough? How about “religious fanatics bent on murdering Americans and destroying freedom?” Does that not have the right ring to it? Who was on the voting committee to decide who America’s Number One Enemy would be? I hear Iraq was in the running, though North Korea came on strong in the late rounds, but the biggest surprise was perennial favorite Grizzly Bears getting knocked out in an upset. Personally, I would have voted for soft-news broadcasters. As Couric opens the floodgates of gimmick news casting, let’s hope the other networks follow by finding more attractive and even less-qualified women to report their news.
Simply put, the rich and powerful have caused every social problem in America. Many Caucasian people have taken it upon themselves to apologize for their history—to apologize for the actions of other malicious people. Well, the rich don’t need some poor student to buy indulgences for them; they know the cost of their affluence. It was the rich and powerful African chieftains and slave traders that sold “their own people” to Europeans, and I say that pointedly because no farming peasant had enough time between raising food for the nobles and being raped by the lord of the land to spend a second’s thought on who their undemocratic government was oppressing. They were oppressing everyone, and the kings were elected by God. Who can argue with that? Well, eventually people did, and that is what began to nudge European-Americans up the social ladder in America. When it was found that Irish indentured servants and early black slaves were drinking their evenings away together, sharing the same misery, rumor leaked that the Irish were white! What a thing to hear. No longer were they just lower class; now they were put on some imaginary status rung with the richer people of that particular land based on something as superficial as skin color—sly move on the part of the landowners. So when you think about the idea of “white oppression,” think about the money. There happen to be more rich people with
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
light skin, so whites are seen as the winning team, when in fact, the millions of poor white Americans are doing no better than poor Americans of different heritage. Even Alex Haley spoke of poor whites eating dirt in Roots. What is separating these two groups from realizing the ruling class’ common goal: The maintenance of racial tension by the ruling class? By squabbling and saying you don’t have the same privileges as another race, you won’t realize that they are just as poor as you. Every poor person, regardless of nationality or “color” wants to be that rich person on TV. Look at the real enemy, or to be less extreme, the real protagonist to this human tragedy. Saying that the European-Americans today are responsible for the mundane racism of past generations is like asking an orphan to pay his deceased parent’s bills. The fact that my great-great grandmother said the “N word” does not mean I have an ounce of racism in me. It is not what the common people have said but what those with power have created. The landlord says that if you talk to the dark-skinned people, you’ll be kicked out of your farm, so without any other means, you oblige and fall into the depressingly dismal power scheme of the world. Petty lower-class racial skirmishes fit perfectly into our current power scheme, but it won’t be until the real enemy is identified that we will see real progress in race relations. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
11 September 2006
Sports
A look-a-like?
By Ryan ZumMallen Union Staffer
H
ave teams figured out how to stop All-American Alexis Crimes? The best attacker in the Big West conference last year has not been her dominating self thus far into the volleyball season. There is no doubt that this season, defenses are geared towards stopping her, sending two blockers for nearly every one of her attacks. Whatever the case, Crimes is averaging 2.76 kills per game in 2006, down from 3.62 in 2005. The 49ers must find a way to help Crimes regain her dominating form if they plan to win the Big West championship. When teams focus on Alexis, however, it frees up opportunities for other 49ers. The team has a very balanced attack and it’s impossible for defenses to key on all of our weapons. Quincy Verdin, Michaela Hasalikova and Naomi Washington have all excelled this season, in part because of the defensive attention Crimes is receiving. * * * We here at the Union Weekly Sports Page are not liars. Far from it. We told you that this year we’d be spearheading CSULB sports, and we meant it. We are in the process of creating an
Alexis Crimes samples the air up there. Photo by JJ Fiddler
Raiders Owner Al Davis
e-mail list with messages to be sent out daily, with information including updates, game schedules and meetings, so you never miss a second of action. If you’d like to be added to the list, send us your e-mail address now! Once we get enough people to start this ball rolling, there’s no stoppin’ us. * * * If there is one thing to be learned from the Marion Jones debacle, it’s that drug testing is still far from accurate. After testing positive for an EPO test in August, a second test from the same sample revealed that Jones was clean, after all. Sportswriters across America scrambled to write apologies for writing Jones off as a cheater and steroid user. Will we ever be able to trust drug testing again? Probably not in the immediate future. Yes, usage is still significant, but testing methods are ineffective and inconclusive. No one is going to jump out and accuse an athlete of using after being proven wrong by the Jones issue, which is sad. We may be entering another Golden Age for steroid users. * * * This just in: Women’s soccer is really good. If you picked up last week’s issue, you read all about it. If you needed more proof, #24 CSULB fell to #5 UCLA by just one goal. The game was scoreless until the 83rd minute, when UCLA managed to sneak one by Liz “Human Wall” Ramos. Ramos finished the game with an impressive seven saves. The goal was the first the 49ers have allowed in five games this season. * * * You know what’s sad? When the media has turned high school basketball into nothing more than a circus. High school senior O.J. Mayo is the best combo guard in the nation, and has recently transferred from North College Hill (Ohio) to Huntington High School (W. Virginia), following a spectacular yet bizarre threeyear stint at NCS. Mayo has become a household name for his incredible allaround skills, but has run into trouble with alarming regularity. He has twice been involved in fights at school, and received a suspension for the second altercation. After being unhappy at NCH after the 2006 season, Mayo attempted to transfer to basketball powerhouse Oak Hill Academy, who denied his application upon learning his reputation. “He’s not LeBron James,” Oak Hill coach Steve Smith explained. “He’s not Carmelo Anthony.” Good. Don’t give him a free pass. It’s not his fault that his ego wouldn’t fit in the Staples Center, it’s the media’s. Mayo is very good, but he does not walk on water. I love high school basketball, but it’s turning into a game of exploitation and overexposure. Mayo is just the latest example, but there will be more. God, will there ever be more. * * * Is it just me, or are the Florida Marlins the coolest team in the history of baseball? In just over ten years of existence, they’ve amassed two championships and four no-hitters, including last week’s no-no for rookie Anibal Sanchez. Not to mention the fact that the team with the lowest payroll in baseball ($15 million) is only 3 1/2 games out of the NL Wildcard spot. Eight of their nine starters earn at or near the league minimum. How can you not root for this team? See you at the game.
The Best Sport, Hands Down By Mike Guardabascio Managing Editor It’s an argument that every sports fan has had, and an argument that every nonsports fan has rolled their eyes at: what’s the best sport? Now obviously, every sport has its own advantages and disadvantages, and its own pacing and other aspects that can’t really be objectively compared to each other; the answer to the question is purely subjective, and anyone who thinks he has the “right” answer to it is clearly a raving lunatic. That said, football is easily the best sport and you’re a raving lunatic if you don’t agree with me. First, although it should need no clarification, let me say that I am referring to American football, what with the pads and scoring and everything, and not what
11 September 2006
I have referred to as soccer since I was playing it at the age of five. With that out of the way, let me do some explaining: football is the best sport because it has the best combination of everything there is to love about sports. If you are intellectually interested in sports, as I partially am, many of the country’s smartest coaches have coached football, from Bill Walsh to Bill Bellicheck, and even the dumbest offensive lineman has a playbook of hundreds of plays in his heads, which is more memorization and thought than is required by other sports. But unlike other sports that require so much brain power, football provides action too. If you prefer violence, there is plenty of violence, as football is easily the sport most compared to war. But there is a grace too in football, and there have
never been more graceful athletes than Jerry Rice, Barry Sanders, Lynn Swann, the list goes on… Because it offers everything there is to love, and because the 16-game season offers fans the opportunity to see every game without losing their lives to a hundred-game plus season, and because absolutely nothing beats the NFL playoffs, football stands head and shoulders above the crowd; even better, the NFL has been better managed than the other major leagues in America over the last ten years. And just to cap it all off, football has something that no other sport has: Sunday, a feeling and experience all its own. Questions? Comments? Disagree? Respond at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Straight
I Don’t Mean to Go Off on a Rant Here, But...
with
The Crypt Keeper
ROOF
JJ Fiddler
Last Tuesday at a news conference before his No.1 Ohio State Buckeyes 247 win over the No.2 Texas Longhorns, Head Coach Jim Tressel let the media know, “I’ve got (the Longhorns) ranked No. 1 on our ballot,” referring to his vote in the USA Today coaches poll. USA Today disclosed late Tuesday that Tressel’s ballot had OSU No.1 and Texas No.2. Ohio State’s director of player development Stan Jefferson responded by saying that he had changed Tressel’s ballot and didn’t have time to tell Tressel, calling the whole thing an “honest mistake.” Just what college football needed, another reason for a playoff. If it’s that easy for someone in administration to change the COACHES poll, then where is the integrity? It’s time for change. The normal operating procedure is to not disclose the coach’s votes, but USA Today called Tressel out when he was caught in the “lie.” I say, the vote should be public anyway, and they should change the name. If the coaches are too busy and the sports administration office can change the ballot, then make the whole sports department responsible for the votes. “The School’s Poll,” where everyone has a say, and the vote is public. If we make the voters responsible, maybe coaches will stop voting for the school that gave them their first job (Steve Spurrier admits to voting for Duke every week, no matter what) or giving their poll to the Sports Information Department’s student assistant. * * * On a very serious note, I can’t write a column this week without thinking about where I was 5 years ago. My friends and I all went to our football coach’s classroom to watch the news and ask whether or not our game for that week would be canceled. Looking back, I can’t believe how selfish that looks, but if you have ever played football you know how it takes over your life. We ended up playing the game that Friday, but a lot of games both professional and amateur were canceled or rescheduled. A Mets’ game was the first sporting event in the city of New York. A few hours after one of the most emotional pre-game ceremonies I’ve ever seen, Mets’ catcher Mike Piazza put a gamewinning home run deep into the night, and New York cheered for the first time in a week. Sometimes it takes sports to make it all simple again, and that’s why I’m a fan. No matter what, the games will always be there. No one can unteach me the rules and nuances. No one can take away my passion for teams I don’t even belong to. I played in that football game only four days after the tragedy, but for three hours all I thought about was football. That’s why I’m a fan. Questions? Comments? JJ Fiddler can be reached at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
5
News
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should
Implementing Change Proves Difficult for ASI By Cynthia Romanowski Union Staffer While many of the members of Associated Students Incorporated are compensated for their time spent working for the students, the president’s Chief of Staff, an integral part of the student-run organization, remains unpaid, even after a vote was held to amend the bylaw last Wednesday. Requiring a two-thirds majority to amend any bylaw in ASI, it only took two abstentions and one opposing vote to block the amendment’s passage. With so many vacant seats left to fill, the Senate is finding it difficult to enact any kind of change. This year’s appointed Chief of Staff, Mekonnen Garedew, has currently been working for ASI full-time for two and a half months with no compensation. This issue is extremely important to ASI because, without Garedew’s help, meeting their goals and objectives could prove a trying experience. Not only has compensation become an issue in ASI, but whether or not the Chief of Staff should be an elected official has been addressed as well. “This position should be elected by the students because they are serving the student body,” said Senator-at-Large Ashley Stanton. Yet the idea to make the Chief of Staff an
elected position was highly scrutinized by other members of the Senate. Many felt that it would be risky electing the the Chief of Staff, because there is no guarantee that they will have the same goals and views as the president. “The chief of staff should be someone to represent me,” said President Shefali Mistry. “It needs to be someone that can act as my confidant.”
The position of Chief of Staff should be elected by the students because they are serving the students -Ashley Stanton Senator-at-Large If the amendment passed, the position would have been added to the executive fellowship, which pays for the officers’ cost of living. Garedew would then become the only non-elected, fully compensated member in the fellowship. However, according to Mistry, ASI did decide that the motion would be revisited, and the issue will probably be brought up again by the end of the month. This incident brings to light the fact that a lack of Senators simply makes thing harder to get accomplished, and this isn’t the only instance where vacancies make things difficult.
During the meeting, Mistry also expressed that there was great difficultly running Week of Welcome without a Commissioner of Spirit or an administrator. Right now there are five positions available in ASI. These include three Senator-atLarge positions, Senator for the College of Health and Human Services, and Senator for the College of Natural Sciences and Mathematics. Commissioner positions are also open for Sports and Spirit, Entertainment, and Student Orientation. The Commissioner for Sports and Spirit deals with programs pertinent to the campus community, helping develop programs and activities to serve student interests. The Entertainment Commissioner is responsible for campus concerts and forums for guest speakers, along with many other events on campus. Finally, the Student Orientation Commissioner works with the SOAR committee and coordinates barbecues, in addition to entertainment and organization fairs. There are other open positions in the Presidential Cabinet, as well as executive officer positions. If you have any interest in helping ASI this year, you can go to http:// www.csulb.edu/divisions/students2/asi, or call the ASI offices at (562) 985-5241 for more information.
UCLA Responds to Lack of Diversity By Ryan Kobane hile the University of California Los Angeles is a UC school, and California State Long Beach is merely a state school, when universities as prominent as UCLA implement change, everyone listens. Partially due to concerns voiced by the campus and community, UCLA is looking to make a dramatic change in their admissions process. A diminishing number of African American students being admitted to the campus raised concern throughout the university, thus initiating the need for change. Figures released in June 2006 showed that only 96 African Americans, or roughly 2% of the incoming freshmen class, were likely to enroll at UCLA, its lowest number of African American freshmen since 1973. These low numbers sparked calls from See UCLA on Page 7
Union Staffer
Schwarzenegger inserts foot in mouth Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has bit his tongue, yet again. In another series of school-boy like inappropriate statements, the Governor cited the reasons for Cuban and Puerto Rican hot tempers, a stereotype in itself, saying it’s due to the “black blood” and “Latino blood” they possess. The comments were made when Schwarzenegger was reflecting on state Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia’s heritage, and her sassiness. In true political form, the governor gave a heartfelt apology, and is quickly trying repair any damage he may have caused before the rapidly approaching elections.
Do not pass go, do not collect $200 American journalist Paul Salopek was released from Sudanese custody this past week after being wrongfully accused of espionage and seditious libel. Salopek, an award-winning journalist and current writer for National Geographic, was freed only after the almighty and powerful governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson, spoke with Sudanese president, Omar al-Bashir, and convinced him it was “the right thing to do.” Salopek, a grateful citizen of New Mexico, expressed his relief that Sudan had not learned the efficiency of Guantanamo Bay.
Bush admits what we already knew
jimbolic
W
News Director
By Vincent Girimonte
By taking “personal experiences” into account, UCLA’s new policy may help students that were otherwise left behind gain admittance to the prestigious school.
A senate committee on pre-war security issued some very surprising news Friday morning. After declassifying a CIA document published in Oct 2005, the Senate concluded that there was no tie between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda, not a single connection, prior to the U.S. invasion in 2002. Okay, that makes sense. President Bush must have been trying to clarify this fact when he used the two factions in the same sentence, I don’t know, every time he moved his lips, for the better part of three years.
BELMONT STATION
MEXICAN RESTAURANT, CANTINA & DANCE CLUB •Great Food •Best DJs •Dancing 7 Nights A Week •Live Bands Sat-Sun Afternoon Please Drink Responsibly and Don’t Drink & Drive •Sports •NFL Package 5300 East 2nd Street • Belmont Shore, Long Beach • 562-438-2026 6
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
11 September 2006
[News]
UCLA from Page 6 black alumni, community leaders, and legislators demanding that something be done to improve the amount of African Americans coming to UCLA. But in 1996 Proposition 209 was passed, barring any California public university from considering race in admissions or employment. UCLA officials say they still plan to abide by all the same rules that Proposition 209 implements, but they intend to take a more “holistic” admissions model that has already been a success at UC Berkeley and Ivy League schools. This holistic admissions model will allow officials to view student’s achievements in light of their life experiences. Here at CSULB, there is no condition that allows students to voice their life experiences when applying, like UCs do. When a student applies for a UC they are required to write an essay that gives them a chance to express themselves, giving the university a chance to see a prospective students’ personalities as well as their grades and SAT scores. But as of right now, the academic aspect of a students’ background and their essay are read by different people, not allowing one to affect the others’ opinion. Some feel that this change isn’t in the best interest of the students, in particular the prospective students that did not face hardships growing up, but excelled in high school academics. “That’s how UCLA has always been, it’s just that they’re finally admitting that they care about race now,” said Arlene Freemen, an ‘06 University of Southern California graduate. “I don’t think that race should ever come into consideration on an application, it’s about qualifications, not hardships that you faced growing up.”
Ward Connerly, former UC regent, laughed at the idea that UCLA wasn’t making the shift in admissions in direct response to the declining racial numbers by saying it doesn’t pass the giggle test. “It’s obvious why they’re doing it and what their objective is.” While some people seem to think this will harm prospective students, many are in favor of changing the current structure, including acting Chancellor Norman Abrams. Abrams said that many faculty members have done extensive research on admissions reform. The framework for the admissions changes was approved last week by a UCLA faculty committee, leaving only two more faculty votes to take place in order for them to initiate the change. Thomas Lifka, UCLA’s assistant vice chancellor for student services said that students shouldn’t worry about having to change the way in which they submit an application to the University. “They shouldn’t worry about presenting their credentials in a different light or manner,” Lifka said. “It has to do with how we capture the concept of merit and it means that for each applicant, we’ll be looking at all the information about them at the same time.” With the ever-increasing number of applicants every semester at CSULB and pretty much every other university in California, it can’t be long before even state schools are looking for alternate ways to filter the cream of the crop when it comes to applicants. If UCLA has success in the near future with their “holistic” application method, it wouldn’t be surprising to see a complete overhaul in the way California schools accept students. Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be contacted at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Smorgasportal Kombat
Photo By Vincent Girimonte
From sticky-velcro-wall jumpy things, to high-risk obstacle courses, free billiards and 45-minute lines for cotton candy and pizza, Smorgasport was super duper! The bars and clubs of Long Beach must have been empty last Friday night due to all the cool kids showing up to drink the strong Sex on the Beaches and Fuzzy Navels being passed out as if they were virgins or something. If that wasn’t enough, everyone had free reign over caricature artists and fake tattoo parlors that completely rocked. You shoulda been there.
Add Military Science 101 (3883) to your schedule. For more information contact CPT Tom Mitchell at 562-985-5766 or visit www.trojanrotc.org 11 September 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7
25 Years of
Monday11 Tracy Lawrence: HOB Anaheim $30-33, 8pm Dave Matthews Tribute Band: HOB Sunset $12, 830pm This Love Machine: DiPiazza’s Sea Wolf: Spaceland Free, 9pm Global Battle of the Bands: The Knitting Factory $5, 7pm
‘Indie’
Tuesday12 Silver Jews: Henry Fonda Theatre $20, 9pm Paper Plane, Rio Bravo: DiPiazza’s AFI: UCI Bren Events Center $27.50, 730pm Adam Green: Troubadour $15, 8pm White Wale: Spaceland $10, 9pm The Atomic Punks: The Whisky $13, 7pm
Wednesday13 John Legend: Roxy $25, 8pm Mae, The New Amsterdams: Henry Fonda Theatre 8pm Black Keys: Troubadour $18, 8pm Turning Robots Into People: The Whisky $13, 7pm Wylde Bunch: The Knitting Factory $5, 7pm Mae: Henry Fonda $13.50, 8pm
Thursday14 The English Beat: Glass House $17, 7pm Underneath The Gun: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm Shawn Wayans, Bruce Fine: Brea Improv $35, four nights, times vary Carmina Burana: The Hollywood Bowl $12-34, 8pm Butch Walker and the Lets Go Out Tonites: Henry Fonda Theater $17.50, 9pm
Friday15
seemingly self-inflicted obscurity, some of the most influential records ever made were born. Sonic Youth’s Daydream Nation proved that alternate instrument tunings could move beyond self-indulgence and introduced the world to the anti-anthem with “Teen Age Riot.” Big Black’s Songs About Fucking introduced the masses to the razor-throated Steve Albini, whose last-nerve approach to lyrics and music raised the bar for any project that should dare to call itself edgy. Hüsker Dü’s Zen Arcade, released in 1984, shattered the mold by being recorded and mixed in only 85 hours, and all but two of the songs were first takes (including the 14-minute instrumental “Reoccuring Dreams”). The album, which tells the story of a runaway who finds the outside world to be worse than the home he’d left, is generally considered one of the most influential punk albums of all time. The indie movement ended in 1991 with the release of Nirvana’s Nevermind. Nirvana had been heavily influenced by the indie scene as teenagers and had come up through the same ranks as many of their heroes before being catapulted to mainstream stardom. Almost instantly, major labels began plumbing the depths of the indie underground to find the next Cobain to sign. It was the general equivalent of an armed invasion. Many of the old guard of indie rock bands were already gone, either signing to major labels or disbanding, and the remaining underground simply couldn’t hold. -By Matt Dupree
Bob Dylan returns to Modern Times
The Advantage: Glass House $10, 730pm Coco Montoya, Johnny A: Galaxy Theatre $15, 730pm Sinai Beach: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm The Young Dubliners: HOB Anaheim $17.50-20, 730pm Black Black: The Smell $5, 8pm Frank Moore: Il Corral Free, 7pm
Saturday16 LA Guns: Galaxy Theatre $15, 8pm Unearth: Wiltern LG $20, 630pm Drake Bell: Roxy $20, 8pm Mikoto: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm The Plimsouls: Blue Café
Sunday17 Etta James and The Roots Band: HOB Anaheim $46-50, 830pm Full Blown Chaos: Whisky $13, 7pm Blacklisted: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm Blowupnihilist: The Smell $5, 8pm Eric Burdon and the Animals: The Greek $29.50-69.50, 7pm
8
T
his year, Touch & Go Records celebrated its 25th birthday. The label started as an outlet for the nascent hardcore scene, but grew to become, arguably, the most influential outlet of indie music. Indie music itself celebrates its 25th as well (by my count), as 1981 was also the year that brought us the most influential of indie bands: Sonic Youth. So, to celebrate this strange dragon we call “indie,” here’s an informative trip down memory lane. The term ‘indie’ started its life as shorthand for independent, referring to the record labels that indie bands were signed to. It also referred to the aggressively Do-It-Yourself attitude that fueled the movement. It was this tenacity that caused albums to spread nationwide entirely on reputation and the occasional tour. Originally, indie rock referred to a very guitaroriented style of rock which borrowed liberally from both punk rock and 60’s folk and was championed by such acts as The Replacements, The Minutemen, and Hüsker Dü. Although the style differed from the breakneck punk of the Hardcore movement, the two musical communities shared a large portion of their audiences, forging a bond of unflagging zeal and an all-consuming love of the guitar. The indie underground gained an immense following, pulling in a surprising amount of influence upon the venues in major cities and a well-traveled quorum of record stores. It was the invisible elephant that wouldn’t go away no matter how little press it received. That didn’t stop the movement from having its share of pressworthy accomplishments. Out of this
I’m a big Dylan fan—about as big a Dylan fan as they come, actually. I worship the ground he walks on; I am clearly biased, but even I can see the flaws in Modern Times, which the critics seem to be oblivious to. Yes, this is a good album, but it is not a fantastic one—something which people tend to overlook when they consider that this is Dylan’s first new album in five years. Actually, most of the hype surrounding this album, and its rise to the number one slot on the Billboard music chart, can be attributed to the fact that it was so highly anticipated. I’ll admit I was mentally writing this review before I even unwrapped the plastic on the album: I planned to give it five stars, rave about how good ol’ Bob retains his relevance, even at 65, and hail his genius. I mean, how could it not be brilliant? It’s fucking Dylan! In all honesty, the first two or three times I listened to Modern Times, I adored it. There was something so comforting and familiar about it that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then it hit me: the reason I felt like I had heard the album before was because I had—five years ago. Modern Times is simply a reiteration of Love and Theft, Dylan’s widely ignored 2001 release. Musically, the album holds up remarkably well in today’s marketplace, but is disappointing when set in the context of Dylan’s earlier work. Though it is unrealistic to expect any artist, even one as prolific as Dylan, to consistently produce fresh, high-caliber material, I don’t think a little creativity is too much to ask for. Self-produced by Dylan under pseudonym Jack Frost, the album has its redeeming qualities: lyrically, it’s fantastic (as is the case with most Dylan records) and the touch of rockabilly influence goes
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
a long way. Modern Times is jaunty in parts and relaxed in others, but each song retains the worldweary wisdom that Dylan has become famous for. “Spirit on the Water,” the second track, is by far the standout of the record. Its beautifully meandering melody draws you in, while the lyrics keep you listening for the long haul in a way that is classically Dylan, yet strikingly original. Modern Times has a lot going for it, but does not quite deserve the critical acclaim that comes with a musician as weighty as Dylan. If you enjoyed Love and Theft, I recommend this album—just think of it as a two disc set. As long as you aren’t expecting anything new, you won’t be disappointed. -By Erin Hickey
11 September 2006
Blood Meridian Kick Up The Dust V2 Records
Reviewed By Erin Hickey
Jeffrey & Jack Lewis City & Eastern Songs
Rough Trade Records Reviewed By Katy Thomas
Kick Up the Dust, though slightly unoriginal, is a thoroughly enjoyable listen that evokes Modest Mouse, Beck, Bright Eyes; and on a few songs like “Soldiers Of Christ,” calls to mind the White Stripes and the Soledad Brothers. Blood Meridian makes their influences known without overpowering the listener. Slide guitar and upright bass complement the rock songs on the album just as nicely as the more bluesy and folksy tracks, adding a level of dimension that the album would not survive without. This is a home album, not a car album, and best listened to when lying in bed with your eyes closed, or as background music. While parts of the album are catchy or amusing, others are strangely beautiful; leaving the listener thoughtful, content, and slightly sleepy at their conclusion. Though the lyrics lack depth, and Matthew Camirand’s vocals sound forced in parts, the rest of the album is a solid success.
Blind Guardian A Twist in the Myth
Nuclear Blast Records Reviewed By Eric Bryan
Hailing from the lower east side of New York City, antifolk hero Jeffrey Lewis is another jewel in the ever-growing crown of Rough Trade artists, drawing comparisons with Adam Green (of Moldy Peaches fame), Bob Dylan, and even Lou Reed. His voice resonates with a distinct NY twang in a poetic slur and at points the lyrics seem to flow from Jeff like an unplanned trail of thought, all the time undermining the true wit and intelligence of the words he sings. “Posters” opens his latest offering City and Eastern Songs with an offbeat, distortion-laced verse and a chorus that’ll stick all day. Other highlights include “Something Good,” and “Art Land.” In the current musical climate of unoriginal bands trying to outdo each other by substituting musicality for image and controversy, the sound brought by Jeff and Jack bridges the gap between folk, NYC rock, and acoustic country in an eccentric frenzy. Listen to seminal album, It’s the Ones Who’ve Cracked That The Light Shines Through for similar cynicism and genius.
Dirty Pretty Things
Waterloo To Anywhere Interscope Records
Reviewed By Katy Thomas Metal heads rejoice! The most consistent power metal band of all time has returned! With Blind Guardian’s tenth release, A Twist in the Myth, they have solidified their place as power metal’s reigning kings. Combining the symphonic elements of 2002’s A Night at the Opera and a speedier, more experimental edge, A Twist in the Myth has something for everyone. Opening with the immediately catchy “This Will Never End,” those crazy Germans rage through 11 tracks of soaring vocals, melodious guitar-work and overdone, if not nerdy, lyrics. However, that is the charm that has garnered them the massive following they have. Therein also lies the album’s one weakness. With this release, they are not as widely accessible as before, as they’ve moved down a musical path where they’re more concerned with dwarves and elves than winning over new fans. If you’re already a fan of them though, A Twist in the Myth is for you. Get your swords and shields, tell your mom you’ll be back by ten, and enjoy.
The Grates
Goo Goo Dolls
Cherrytree/Interscope Records
Warner Bros. Records A 2am Review by Matt Dupree, and Mike Guardabascio
Gravity Won’t Get You High
Reviewed By Erin Hickey
The best thing Aussie favorite The Grates have going for them is lead singer Patience Hodgson’s remarkable inability to pronounce the word “eyes.” On Gravity Won’t Get You High’s second track, “Lies Are Much More Fun,” She says, “ay-uhrz,” several times throughout the song, while managing to sing the words “lies,” “twice,” and “goodbye,” successfully. This peculiarity makes “Lies Are Much More Fun” the only song on the album engaging enough to prompt a second listen, which is enough to permanently lodge the tune in your head. The album starts off strong, with a giddy charm that sticks to the roof of your mouth and makes you want to dance around the room in your underwear; but it loses steam somewhere after the third track, leaving the rest of the album trite and unimpressive. Hodgson’s vocals and stage antics, the band’s claim to fame, are those of a flatter, more self-aware and warbling Karen O. You could buy this album, but you wouldn’t be missing anything if you didn’t.
11 September 2006
The Libertines revived a limp London indie scene, and from the ashes of Pete Doherty’s ridiculously over-documented drug habit and subsequent effort Babyshambles, now Carl Barat debuts his own solo band, Dirty Pretty Things. Composite of ex-Libertines members and former Cooper Temple Clause bassist Didz Hammond, the distinct feeling of malaise listening to the album affirms a prior knowledge of the pretension of Barat. The lucid poetry of early Libertines lyrics showcased Doherty’s talent, but where does that leave Barat? DPT sound like the Libertines, all cool bass lines, spikey guitar riffs and pacey clean crisp drums. Lyrically though, they miss the elegance of Doherty. Both “Deadwood,” and “Gin and Milk” are progressive tracks which punctuate the commercial colloquialism of the band, but DPT only truly shine on, “Bang Bang you’re dead” which has already achieved a high degree of success in the club circuit and charts of England. Best example of this style–stick with The Libertines 2004 self-titled release.
Let Love In
Goo Goo Dolls? More like Poo Poo Dolls. This album was sent to us printed on a CD-shaped piece of stinky shit. The music was digitally recorded in little shit grooves pressed into the larger piece of shit. But if you completely ignore that its composed almost entirely of shit, it’s a pretty awesome album! If you like shit and sorts of shit like that. It’s really pretty shitty actually, the sounds more than the smell even, which is an impressive accomplishment worthy of some accolade, even if that accolade is just that we won’t wipe. On the bright side, it makes excellent bathroom music. Especially for those little trips to the bathroom that involve shitting. Shit! What a rippingly shitty album! The city’s waste management department just called, and they’re threatening to stop service if we place this album in the garbage can. Apparently, they think it’s just too shitty. If you’re looking for the future Grammy winner for shittiest album, your search is over. Provided its ended at the toilet bowl containing this floating honker of a shit-log. Shit. Seriously. Goo Goo Dolls? More like the Ca-Ca Dolls. Tastes like shit too.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
HITS Danger Mouse/Banksy The legendary producer of Gorillaz/Gnarls Barkley issued a mock remix of Paris Hilton’s album, completely with scathingly amazing cover art by also-legendary UK artist Banksy. The albums were first released in true guerrilla form: put in place of Paris’ album in several UK music stores.
Sub Pop Records The amazingly accomplished record label has just achieved Green-e certification. It is the first label to receive this honor, which declares that they have purchased enough renewable energy credits to completely cover their energy usage. The environment was a fan of Sub Pop back when they were releasing Smashing Pumpkins albums, but now it’s even more stoked on them.
Badly Drawn Boy Damon Gough has announced a date for the release of his project’s fifth studio album. It is being titled Born In The UK, and will be in stores on October 17th. The single “Nothing’s Gonna Change Your Mind” will hit airwaves October 2.
MISSES Paris Hilton In addition to being mocked openly by music and art legends, she earned herself a DUI recently. Not surprisingly, her agent claimed fatigue. In other news, Paris Hilton needs to get the hell out of music.
WOXY.com The very first internet radio station will go off the air on Friday. According to their website, “Sometimes no matter how hard you try and how special the thing you do, it simply isn’t enough to beat the odds.” In other news, the internet is for porn.
Sufjan’s Mind Tricks Jedi Mind Tricks announced they will have a guest appearance by Sufjan Stevens on their new album Servants In Heaven, Kings In Hell. Although it may sound like a huge departure for the master of baroque pop, our sources tell us that the Suf ’ has mad street cred.
UP IN THE AIR Sufjan Stevens Despite his emerging career in hip-hop, Sufjan Stevens is planning to release a five-volume boxed set of christmas tunes. The albums are a collection of an annual project Sufjan would do for friends, but would inevitably leak. Now we can all share in the joy... for an undoubtedly steep price.
9
The Union’s Patrick Dooley goes road trippin’ with super-group, Tool. The greatest moments of all four shows are now brought to you without a lousy warm-up act or five tanks of three-dollar gasoline. On the Rail in Bakersfield— Every new tour means a new get-up for sing-
R
emember the rock scene of the Nineties? Grunge came and went, and almost every band that mattered split up and left listeners with SemiCharmed kind of bullshit. It was desolate toward the end of that decade. Then a friend left a CD in my possession that begged attention. In the center of the black disk was a big picture of a contortionist with his legs over his head, and though his back was turned, he appeared to be fellating himself. That album had more than a self-sucking contortionist; it had nine of the most dark and imaginative tracks ever conceived, separated by a handful of intermissions—something I’d never before heard on an album. What I’d discovered was Tool’s Ænima. Here was a band selling the art, and not their own faces; a band that pushed higher consciousness and prayed for a hole to open up and swallow L.A. along with all the inhabiting “gun-toting hip gangster wannabes” and “insecure actresses.” It was the start of an unwavering devotion, so unwavering in fact that I’m sure to be at any Tool show within 300 miles. This past week I caught my 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th Tool concerts, making the trek to Vegas, Bakersfield, and twice to L.A.’s Staples Center. Their set list was varied by only one song per night, but each show had something unique and worthy of a full-length review in itself. For the most part, the list was as follows: Stinkfist, The Pot, Forty Six & 2, Jambi, Schism, Lost Keys/Rosetta Stoned, Opiate/Sober/Right In Two/ Wings for Marie, Lateralus, Vicarious, Ænima.
Vegas, Opiate, and a new Schism— They opened with an extended
version of “Stinkfist,” a song that has become a staple of their live shows. During the Lateralus tour this song was reinvented with a minute-long breakdown, implemented right when the audience expects the climax. The big surprise, however, was the ending newly adjoined to “Schism.” The recipe for this version contains all the ingredients of the old, but with about a pound of methamphetamine added to the end. The drum work on the new “Schism” gave Zeppelin fans a reason to hate Tool’s Danny Carey, as he proved once again that the title of all-time greatest drummer is in his back pocket. Sorry Bonham. Another highlight came with the surprise playing of “Opiate,” the title track of the first album. The song stood alone in this performance for instantly separating the die-hard fans from the newcomers.
er Maynard James Keenan, and with this being my first show of the tour within a stones throw of the stage, I could get a close-up look at the new style. The Ænima tour was remembered for full-body paints and the occasional cross-dressing. The Lateralus tour gave rise to the era of Edward Scissorhands-like leather suits, and more body paint. The 10,000 Days tour has seen a new, more open Maynard, taking the stage shirtless in blue jeans, with a cowboy hat covering a mohawk reminiscent of his look during the Opiate tour. The cowboy look came complete with authentic boots and a belt buckle big enough for a four-course meal. As for the rest of the quartet, they all seemed very much the same—Adam and Justin still with long hair and dressed like they would any other day, and Danny in a basketball jersey, as ever. I felt like I’d sacrificed a little sound quality, but what a treat it was to see Maynard up close in top gyrating, creepy form.
10,000 Days at Staples Center— I’ve never been so close to crying at a
concert. The title track of 10,000 Days is the second part to its predecessor, “Wings For Marie.” Combined, the songs are 17 ½ minutes of an array of raw emotions, all for the recent loss of Maynard’s mother. In front of about 30,000, Tool decided to debut “Wings For Marie, Parts 1 & 2.” The music began and was followed by the opening lines, and then a startling view of Maynard the man. A few lines into the lyrics, Maynard abruptly stopped singing and exited the stage, removing his glasses to wipe his eyes and being received in the waiting arms of a concerned friend. Members of the crowd weren’t sure whether to be silent or to cheer as an offer of solace. I just watched from my seat to the left of the stage, directly above where he walked off. I felt like an antsize spectator to this massive personal drama unfolding before me. The band carried on. A minute later he came back and finished the song, clearly shaken by the public exercising of these personal emotions. My eyes welled up several times throughout the song, but I was closest to actually losing it during the climax of the song when Maynard screams, “I have come home now. Fetch me the Spirit, the Son and the Father. Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended. It’s time now! My time now! Give me my, give me my wings!” It took serious gut-checking, but I’m happy to report that I’ve still never cried at a concert.
Maynardisms Vegas—Tool plays in the parking lot of
the Hard Rock, and Maynard address the hotel guests watching from their rooms.
“How many of you freeloading bastards in the balconies are having sex...or at least jerking off?”
“ Thank you for taking a break from your compulsive gambling
and raging alcoholisim to see us!” Bakersfield—Maynard talks shit on a shithole.
“Oh that’s right, they took all your crack pipes at the door.” “Bakersfield Huh? I regret to inform that I am not from. Korn is though, you have that going for you.” “So, where you all visiting from?” Los Angeles—First he called it a
“three-ring circus,” and now he’s abusing the people!
“L.A.—Everyone’s a fucking VIP...” “Are all the VIPs here now? Can we start the show?”
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ATTRACTIONS! General Admission only $35 per person. College Pass* only $45 per person. †
*Black-out dates apply.
Buy your tickets at the Information Desk (562) 985-4834 Offers valid though 1/31/07. †Offer valid only on one day General Admission at Universal Studios Hollywood. *Black-out dates apply. College Pass expires 1 year from first use. This offer not available at the Universal Studios Hollywood box office. Cannot be combined with other offers or per capita sightseeing tours. Prices subject to change without notice. No exchanges or refunds. For operating hours, please call 1-800-UNIVERSAL. Jurassic Park TM & ©2006 Universal Studios, Inc. and Amblin Entertainment, Inc. The Mummy ©2006 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved. 06-LOC-4778
TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW! $25 for the Event on Oct. 13, 14, 20 & 31 $35 for the Event on Oct. 21, 27 & 28 THIS EVENT MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN. SORRY, NO COSTUMES ALLOWED.
10
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
11 September 2006
The Office Previewed by Katie Wynne
Steve 3:16 “Would I rather be feared or loved? Um... Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” Connoisseurs of comedy cry tears of joy during every episode of the American remix of the BBC’s greatest achievement, The Office. Perhaps this is preaching to the choir, but if you are not one of the saved souls who have already accepted the power of Steve Carrell into their hearts and minds, then please take a moment to ask yourself, “what am I doing wrong?” The first step to finding the answer is to examine what you are currently doing. If you regularly watch any of the following: Mind of Mencia, The Tyra Banks Show, or Dancing with the Stars then you have unfortunately stepped over the line; your sins have left you helpless and destined to be left behind. However, if you are just “too busy” to watch television, or maintain that a good book provides a far more profitable evening, then there is still hope. Winner of this year’s Emmy award for “best comedy,” the office boasts a colorful cast comprised of the best improv disciples in the land. Led by their humble prophet, this group wanders the desolate primetime line up
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Previewed by Mike Guardabascio Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip had me at two words: Aaron Sorkin. TV’s best writer returns to NBC on September 18th with this new show starring Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet, and West Wing’s Bradley Whitford. Actually, I saw the trailer for this show and thought it looked pretty shitty. Then, I saw the trailer again, from the beginning, and heard, “New, from Aaron Sorkin.” All of a sudden it was the most exciting thing hitting the air this fall (except Heroes of course). Between Sports Night and West Wing, Sorkin’s proven his supremacy in TVLand. Add in the fact that he’ll be writing for Matthew Perry, who has made a career off of delivering
lines the way Sorkin coaxes his actors too, as well as proven veteran Whitford and hot-ass Peet, and that about rounds her out. There’s also the makings of a stellar supporting casts with names including D.L. Hughley and Steven Weber. Studio 60 is a (probably semiautobiographical) show about two producers (Perry and Whitford) reviving an ailing popular late-night sketch comedy show. The early reviews seem to all be positive, and with Sorkin helming this cast, I see no reason why they shouldn’t be. Especially since longtime Sorkin friend and collaborator Tommy Schlamme will be along for the ride, and rumor has it that Sorkin’s managed to lay off the shrooms. Well, I think that’s a good thing.
My Name is Earl
Saturday, September 16
12:30am: Talk Show with Spike Feresten (FOX)
Monday, September 18 8:00 pm: The Class (CBS) 10:00 pm: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC) in the hopes of saving as many as they can. It is thirty minutes that feels like five, and the writing quality of the show is comparable to any of the best contemporary comedic fiction writers. It doesn’t require that you spend your Sundays holed up in a pew with a bunch of people who insist on shaking your hand at the most inopportune times. The Office only asks that you have faith in good television, and look to it for comfort in these dark times.
Arrested Development Season 4
Previewed by Miles Lemaire
Season four of the smash hit Fox series returns with an all-new cast, a laugh track and a new team of writers. Paul Sorvino plays George Bluth Sr., head of Bluth Construction and a single banana stand. With the help of his son Michael (Two and a Half Men’s Jon Cryer), George tries to rebuild his broken corporation and keep his zany family antics under wraps. Saturday Night Live’s Jimmy Fallon plays Michael’s older brother, Gob, a magician who laughs intermittently during his act. In the first episode of this new season, Gob gets a job at a child’s birthday party, but blows the gig when he can’t stop laughing at his
own theme music (Europe’s “The Final Countdown”). Mama mia! Also along for the wacky antics is Jason Alexander as Tobias Funke. Tobias is married to Michael’s sister, Lindsay (Anne Heche) and is trying desperately to kick-start his acting career following a very successful nine-year stint as a psychologist. Did we mention he’s gay? Oopsie daisy! And finally, on narration duties we have acclaimed producer/ director, Uwe Boll. He lends his unique narrative style to the mix by starting every episode off with a black screen, three minutes of text and his voice. Zowza! Tune in Thursdays, or Sundays, or maybe even Mondays and see what…develops.
Wednesday, September 20 8:00 pm: Jericho (CBS) 10:00 pm: Kidnapped (NBC)
Thursday, September 21 10:00 pm: Shark (CBS) 10:00 pm: Six Degrees (ABC)
Friday, September 22
9:00 pm: Men in Trees (ABC)
Sunday, September 24
10:00 pm: Brothers & Sisters
Monday, September 25 9:00 pm: Runaway (CW) 9:00 pm: Heroes (NBC)
Tuesday, September 26 9:30 pm: Help Me Help You (ABC)
Thursday, September 28 8:00 pm: Ugly Betty (ABC)
Sunday, October 1
8:30 pm: The Game (CW)
8:00 pm: Twenty Good Years (NBC) 10:00 pm: The Nine (ABC)
Thursday, October 5
“Throw a stone into water. Ripples spread and affect many things, even after the stone has left. The stone, this is called action. The ripples, these are called karma.”
11 September 2006
9:00 pm: Smith (CBS)
Wednesday, October 4
Previewed by Jeffrey R. Gould
Writer Greg Garcia taken this simple Buddhist precept and twisted it into a hilariously zany bastardization as the plot for the hit NBC comedy My Name is Earl. Starring Jason Lee (Stealing Harvard) Jamie Pressly (Poison Ivy: The New Seduction) and Ethan Suplee (Boy Meets World) , My Name is Earl is probably one of the funniest shows in this year’s fall lineup... because it’s about white trash. The poor white trash genre is really too sparse these days, inhabited only by South Park and The War at Home. This is a real shame since it’s pretty hard to not be funny in the stupid poor white trash genre so long
Tuesday, September 19
8:00 pm: Big Day (ABC) 8:30 pm: Notes from the Underbelly (ABC) as you’re not Michael Rapaport. Furthermore, My Name is Earl is about stupid poor white trash that come into an unexpected sum of money, which is a tried and tested formula, thanks to The Beverly Hillbillies. But I digress... I have always liked Ethan Suplee and Jason Lee, so Earl has that going for it, but what’s even better than these guys being idiots together is the fact that they’ve got a couple of hot broads, played by Jamie Pressly and Nadine Velazquez, hanging off their arms almost constantly, which is pretty much great; because nobody likes a sausage fest.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Wednesday, October 11 8:30 pm: 30 Rock (NBC)
Tuesday, October 17
9:00 pm: The Knights of Prosperity (ABC)
Wednesday, November 15 9:00 pm: Day Break (ABC)
11
‘Northern Lights’ Sucks A Black Hole
Previews • Reviews • Release Dates
A Review of Aurora Borealis By Christine Hodinh
E
very few years, a movie comes along that dazzles the audience, that touches their hearts and opens their minds. Aurora Borealis is not one of them. In an attempt to portray a young man’s struggle with his family and love, director James C.E. Burke has created a world that seems all too familiar—not from its similarity to real life, but from its tired, overused storyline. Aurora Borealis follows the life of Minneapolis native Duncan Shorter (Joshua Jackson), who’s troubled with the failing health of Ronald, his grandfather (Donald Sutherland. He’s also haunted by the looming ten-year anniversary of his father’s mysterious death, while trying to find a steady job. As he tries to cope with the sudden responsibility of checking up on his grandfather, Duncan meets the home assistant, Kate, played by a charming Juliette Lewis. Kate breathes fresh life into Duncan’s seemingly trite routine, speaking of new cities and exotic sights. Soon Duncan becomes torn between two worlds— staying with his rocky, dreary, yet committed life in Minnesota, or following Kate to new adventures in California. The challenge is leaving Ronald behind, who seems to find his only real solace in Duncan, and his friends, whose loyalty has been with him since childhood. Duncan’s fight to control his rapidly crumbling existence, from his financial instability to his brother’s unfaithfulness, gives a stark contrast to the contentment he feels around Kate. This perpetual strain forces him finally to start making decisions for his personal good, driving him into manhood the way his friends and family could not.
Despite valiant efforts by Jackson and Lewis, Aurora Borealis cannot survive the muck of that undeniable feeling of déjà vu. Every scene feels like it’s from The Little Mermaid (which, incidentally, is playing at the El Capitan theater through Sep. 24): a youth who wishes to escape her old life to experience a thrilling new journey, but is too attached to her family and friends. OK, possibly a stretch, but all the same, you’ve seen this movie before. Sutherland’s brilliant performance as Duncan’s grandfather Ronald is the film’s only saving grace. His portrayal of an ailing, suicidal patriarch is a touching one; he’s both pitiable and entertaining. Ronald steals the screen in a dramatic, troubling climax centered around his desire to ease his own suffering and that of his loved ones. The periodic references to the aurora borealis, the northern lights seen in generally polar zones, provides a shaky theme. Whether real or imagined, the glow represents a passage for the characters: a transition from light to dark, life to death, and stability to insanity. But from start to finish, Aurora Borealis represents a passage that should not be taken; or in other words, that should not be taken again.
Uhh-merican History XXX The third film from the writer/director of Office Space, Mike Judge, is finally in theaters. Originally filmed in 2004, Idiocracy has been sitting on the shelf of Fox Studios collecting dust and waiting for its time to shine. Unfortunately, that time didn’t come until a week ago (September 1st), and even then it only got a limited release, playing in select few theaters around the country. Luckily for local residents, the Edwards 26 Theater in the Long Beach Towne Center was one of those select few. The film got zero marketing as far as television and newspapers are concerned, leaving only internet movie sites to inform the masses of its existence. Idiocracy isn’t the funniest movie you will see this year, but it certainly deserved better than this. The film stars Luke Wilson as the most average man alive, Joe Bowers, a private in the army with a simple job. That is, until he’s chosen for a new project that needs an average man as a guinea pig, so that if it’s a failure they don’t waste any good soldiers. That new project is the government’s first attempt at cryogenic freezing. Rita (Mia Rudolph) is a prostitute chosen as the female guinea pig
for said experiment in exchange for dropping some criminal charges. The experiment, which was only supposed to last a year, gets forgotten after the officer in charge is arrested for running a prostitution ring with Rita’s pimp “UP-GRAY-EDD.” Joe and Rita awake 1,000 years in the future to find that the world is completely made up of morons, the result of less and less intellectuals having children and years of idiots fucking as many partners as possible. Joe and the rest of society come to the conclusion that he is now the smartest man alive and only he can solve the world’s problems. Mike Judge straddles the line between social commentary and stupid humor, managing to fall slightly short of the very things he’s making fun of: a society that laughs at a man getting hit in the nuts over and over. Judge achieves getting laughs, but overall Idiocracy lacks in many performances, although if any scene with Mia Rudolph gets boring you can just ogle her chest. It’s noticeably massive whether you’re into boobs or not. My apologies to female readers.
-By Beef
Waiting to get your next fix of movies you can watch at home? Well this week looks to be a little better than others, especially if you like space battles and light-swords. The original Star Wars trilogy is coming to DVD again, only this time on individual 2-disc releases and not a complete box set. On the plus side, not only do you get the special edition cuts of the films from 1997, but also the original cuts from when they were first released. On the down side, the original cuts are NOT enhanced for DVD, which basically means it will be like watching a grainy picture through a peep hole. Lucasfilms production company finally opted to put out both versions due to a massive uproar from multiple Jedi’s over the age of 35 who love the internet and the anonymity it provides. Most fans will still be pissed since they’ve already bought each movie 7 times. In other DVD news, The Office Season 2 is coming out with a nice stamp of approval from the Emmy’s, having won Best Comedy Series this year. Steve Carrell and the rest of the cast provide a show with smart humor that doesn’t feel like a hollow shell trying to rehash its original BBC counterpart. It’s all on a set of 4 discs containing 22 episodes. If you don’t have tivo, this is the next best way to watch it.
DVD Releases: September 12th, 2006 Agatha Christie Classic Mystery Collection (8-disc) The Batman: Season Two The Complete Kathy & Mo Show (2-disc) Dance of the Dead: Masters of Horror Empire Strikes Back: Limited Edition (2-disc) (1980) Gloomy Sunday (2003) Goal! The Dream Begins (2005) Grey’s Anatomy: Season Two (6-disc) HellBent (2004) Las Vegas: Season Three The Laurel & Hardy Collection: Vol. 2 (3-disc) Lucky Number Slevin (2006) The Maid (2005) The Miracle Match (2005) Moonlighting: Season Four (4-disc) Murder a la Mod/The Moving Finger (1968) Mutant (1983) The Office: Season Two (4-disc) Return of the Jedi: Limited Edition (2-disc) (1983) Roseanne: Season Five (4-disc) Smallville: Complete Fifth Season Star Wars: Limited Edition (2-disc) (1977) Stella: Season One Taps: 25th Anniversary Edition (1981) Teen Terror Collection (3-disc) Teen Titans: Season Two Warner International Cinema Collection (5-disc) Wildboyz: Seasons 3-4
Retail Price
$99.98 $19.98 $19.99 $16.98 $29.98 $19.95 $29.99 $59.99 $24.95 $59.98 $34.98 $29.95 $22.95 $29.99 $39.98 $19.99 $14.95 $49.98 $29.98 $39.98 $59.95 $29.98 $27.95 $19.98 $19.99 $19.98 $79.98 $38.99
As far as purchasing these little screen gems, if you’re a DVD collector you probably want to make the drive out to Huntington Beach and check out DVD Planet (www.dvdplanet.com) on Beach Blvd. They provide hard to find films along with well-known favorites, all for fair prices. For the casual movie-goer, you’ll probably want to stick with Tower Records or Best Buy.
-By Beef
pull up a stool
with cynthia romanowski
George’s Greek Cafe
O’Connell’s Irish Pub
Monday is “½ price bottle of wine night” at George’s Greek Café. Start your meal off with the saganaki appetizer and shout “opa!” as your server douses a piece of fried kasseri cheese in brandy and then lights it on fire right at your table. The kasseri is then extinguished with lemon juice, topped with olives and served with warm pita bread. The sweetness of the cheese with the salty olives creates a delicious contrast that melts in your mouth. Don’t know what wine to get? Then try the Wild Horse pinot noir. It’s a medium-bodied red wine with light flavors of cherry vanilla and cinnamon that is semi-sweet but not strong enough to overpower the food. The house specialty at George’s is the lamb chops, the souvlakia (skewers of lamb) are cheaper and also good, but not nearly as tender. Overall, George’s has a great atmosphere and friendly service. Out of the fifteen restaurants I’ve been to on 2nd it is definitely one of my favorites. They have live acoustic guitar Mondays through Thursdays from 7p.m.-10p.m., and belly dancers on Saturday at 8:30. Last but not least, if you want the absolute best service at George’s ask for Simon, he’s the perky Greek guy with the Italian soccer player hair, he’ll take good care of you.
“We screw the other people and pass the savings on to you”–these are the words of Rocket, the weekend bartender at O’Connell’s. And it’s true, when you’re sick of pricey drinks on 2nd St. in downtown Long Beach, it’s time give this good old neighborhood bar a try. O’Connell’s–where the liquor license is the oldest in Long Beach; where the bartenders are Rocket and the Chicken Man; and where Jameson’s has been the beer of the week for the last six years. Well drinks and domestic beers are only $2.75, and even though it’s not that big, it’s still great for checking out the big game cause they’ve got 17 TVs. They also have two pool tables and it’s just 50 cents a game. The juke box is cheap too, $1 for four songs, but it’s mostly rock n’ roll, swing and classic rock so it depends on what you’re into. Whether you want to keep the party going or are just looking for a place to watch World Cup soccer four years from now, O’Connell’s is open everyday at 6a.m. and has $2.50 Bloody Marys. And, if you come hungry (and before ten), you can order food from the restaurant and have it served to you in the bar.
5316 E 2nd St. Long Beach (562) 433-1755 www.georgesgreekcafe.com
2746 East 4th St. Long Beach (562) 433-5068 www.oconnells.us
12
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
11 September 2006
Reel News Gridiron Gang PG-13
Medical Dramas Plague TV
Columbia Pictures
Is this one “Rock” that is going to sink in the cinematic pond, or rise above the rest? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars as a coach who gives a group of juvenile delinquents a chance to feel good about themselves by having them work together on a football team. Looks like he wants them to learn how to be better people by inflicting as much pain as possible on their opponents.
House, Apply Directly to the Forehead House, Apply Directly to the Forehead
I
felt like throwing up. On the TV set in a friend’s dorm room, a lone tear streaked down the cheek of Dr. Preston Burke. This was supposed to be the most dramatic moment in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Dr. Christina Yan had just walked out on Burke while he was in a hospital bed recovering from possible career-ending hand surgery, and Burke was shattered. Four people in the room were on the edge of their seats. “Oh...my...God...she did not just do that!” said one, with two others nodding in agreement. My friend simply had her face wrinkled up in a look of pity, and was biting her fingernails. A single tear streaming down a cheek is one of the most clichéd emotional reactions in any form of entertainment. It was trash TV hour at its finest. In Grey’s Anatomy, doctors fuck each other in the hospital closets, relationships are born and broken apart, tension builds between characters, tension eases between characters, but regardless of all of these possibly intriguing elements, there’s nothing compelling about it. The show doesn’t provide enough laughs for it to fit into the dramady category, and, its storyline and characters don’t provide the level of seriousness required for a spellbinding, straight drama. It has campy segments involving the doctors’ boss, Dr. Miranda Bailey, shouting at them to do things, but they aren’t amusing. There was one episode where a guy had a hard-on after having sex with one of the star female doctors that wouldn’t come down, and then had to get it to do so medicinally—but even that wasn’t funny. On the other side of the coin of medical dramas, there is House. House is an intelligent show, and it’s strikingly funny, too. In House, every scathing joke has me laughing. And every change (for better or for worse) in a patient’s condition has me actually caring. A hilariously sarcastic, bitter, middle aged, pain-killer-popping Doctor House, leads the show and the treatments of patients. A great ensemble cast of mixed personalities backs it up (each of different socio-economical backgrounds, and none of them feel like stereotypes inserted to fill network diversity quotas). The patient treated in every episode is of human interest.
11 September 2006
Black Dahlia R
Universal Pictures
-By Marcus Bockman In House, there is tension between characters and questions that begged to be answered as the seasons (two total at this point) move along. How did House’s leg become crippled? Will he ever stop being so bitter? What are his histories with his two contemporaries on the show, Dr. Lisa Cuddy and Stacy Warner? When offered an opportunity, will Dr. Eric Foreman leave House’s team? House is incredibly rude to his whole team, but would Foreman actually benefit more from a high rolling job, as opposed to House’s critical, but honed technique? And what the hell is Wegener’s Granulomatosis, which the patient may have? We all know trash television rules American airwaves; that’s nothing new. The University Bookstore runs American Idol clips while you wait in line to get ripped off on your book and supplies purchase. Still, feel free to watch Grey’s Anatomy and groan, moan and start to cry throughout all of the moronic and predictable plot twists; if I’m ever in the room with you watching it I’ll try my best to not criticize your idiotic choice of TV viewing.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Some stories can never truly be given justice. Some murders are so horrible that they can never be forgotten, as is the case with the Black Dahlia, the most infamous murder in California history. Following the grizzly murder of Elizabeth Short, Black Dahlia delves deep into the investigation of the horrific crime that became an obsession for investigators and a sensation to the public.
The U.S. vs. John Lennon PG-13 Lionsgate
Dead men tell no tales, unless they’re John Lennon. Twenty-six years after his death, through the miracle of cinema, John Lennon speaks on peace in war-torn times. In words that ring as true today as they did decades ago, it is up to the people to listen and heed their message in order make sure there is a tomorrow for our children.
13
Trouble
By Patrick Somerville 212 Pages Release Date: 9.12.06 Reviewed By Miles Lemaire
I
’ll be honest with you; I’ve only read the first story in this collection. We received this book weeks ago and despite my best efforts I’ve managed to read very little of it. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I did. The cover’s great! As a matter of fact, the cover had a lot to do with our picking this book from the
Vintage catalogue way back when. I also know nothing about the author, Patrick Somerville. He teaches at a school somewhere, but I’m not about to do the research (i.e. open the book) to find out the specifics. Sorry. But that’s beside the point. Let’s talk about “Puberty.” The first story in this collection is about a young boy named Brandon who takes his mother’s old menopause pills in the hopes of jumpstarting his hormones. He makes the simple mistake of thinking that the “men” in menopause has something to do with becoming a man and pops the pills as frequently as he can. Of course, nothing happens. The story then switches gears back and forth between
Brandon and his father, who plays a large part in the harassment that Brandon suffers on a daily basis. I don’t often think of stories in terms of demographics, but in the case of “Puberty,” I’d say that there’s no better time to read this story than now. This story, with its Nintendo references and preteen awkwardness seems tailor made for the same audience that watches their Freaks and Geeks DVD religiously between D&D sessions. But aside from that, this is an extremely sweet story with a universally sympathetic character in Brandon. You want to tell him all of the things that his parents can’t – that everything is going to be okay. It’s a strangely affecting story and I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Mission to America By Walter Kirrn
This Week: illLit?
It was recently brought to my attention that I am a managing editor for this fine rag along with Lit-demon-Mike, yet I have never read a single word of the damn thing. Crap I haven’t even WRITTEN a single word of it (the forging of illLit involves some funny sensors and probes that make friends with my head) So I thought I’d give this whole ‘reading’ thing a spin in the real world with this very newspaper. Mike picked out an article for me to read that he said would be at my ‘reading level’ so here we go… Let’s see here… page 14, last weeks ish, left side. Oh my. Who is that handsome man? He’s like an Adonis that spent too much time in south-central, got shot in the ears with a twelve gauge slug, and is subsequently very sad. Sad but sexy. If I were a gay man I would definitely have sex with that sexy sexy man. - Enough of that, on to the article: Good lord what is this rubbish? Is he supposed to be yelling? WHY ARE SO MANY SENTENCES IN ALL CAPS? It’s very distracting. All this asshole is talking about is boobies and lady-holes. That’s gross. What a perv… What a sexy, sexy perv. And Look at this! Of course they’re stuck together, they’re ladies, they get stuck together like… all the time. I think they have magnets in their pants, that’s why my pants always get tight when they’re around. Magnets. But seriously, We print this rubbish? in MY newspaper? I’m going to have to talk to this – Oh good lord it’s – Heh… umm… What a great article! I give it 5 Unicorns! Hooray Union!
14
Reviewed By Philip Vargas
Welcome to the church of the Aboriginal Fulfilled Apostles. You have been saved – or, more appropriately, in the case of Walter Kirn’s latest novel, Mission to America, you have saved us. This invocative tale follows two members of the church of the Aboriginal Fulfilled Apostles, a dying religious community hidden in the hills of Bluff, Montana as they are sent out into America on a mission to find wives and new disciples for their order. As they venture on
their journey they face temptations and hardships that try their faith and their very being. Through the eyes of one naïve and innocent individual, Kirn shows us the beauty as well as the filth of America. Bound within these pages is the internal message to take in the beauty and wonders that America has to offer but to do so in moderation. It is wonderful to enjoy what we have at our fingertips, but it’s necessary to hold back so as not to be consumed by them. As the two main characters, Mason LaVerne and Elder Stark, stumble along on their mission, their characters are defined greatly by the paths that they follow and the decisions they make in this brave new world. Mason, the narrator of this intriguing quest, finds himself succumbing to the temptations of the outside world but desperately attempts to hold on to his faith and his moral innocence on his mission. As his journey nears its end,
he undergoes an awakening in which he begins to think for himself by questioning everything he should have, such as the true purpose of their mission in America. Mason’s counterpart on this journey, Elder Stark, finds himself traveling down a long and dark downward spiral that eventually transforms him into the very thing that his people had set out to save from the clutches of America. Elder strides through America and life headfirst without question or self-control. Despite how the fact that Mason and Elder may at times be on opposite ends of the spectrum, they learn that they need each other to survive, because in the vastness of America all they have is each other. Mission to America is an intriguing satirical jab at the state of religion in today’s fast-paced morally deprived America. After reading this book you’ll find yourself questioning the way things are and why they have to be that way.
Invincible
“Probably the best superSuperman). Mark has grown up with a hero comic book in the dad who can fly around and beat up giant universe” dragon monsters; unfortunately he has
never had any powers for himself. He’s used to being normal, but in the past few weeks he’s noticed that a normal toss of the trash into a dumpster now propels it into the stratosphere. Immediately following in his father’s footstep, Mark makes a costume and tries to fight crime. He soon gets discovered by his father who uses his connections to get him a professional costume and set him up with the right people to teach him to be a great hero. What sets Invincible apart from other coming-of-age-superhero stories is that Robert Kirkman manages to inject key elements into ideas that seem redundant. By creating characters that either sound like us or sound like people we know, he adds an air of
By Robert Kirkman and Corey Walker Reviewed By Beef
Every time I try to recommend Invincible to someone, I fall short of making it seem unique. The premise sounds overdone and basic. Let me explain it first, then I’ll give you the reasons why it is the best superhero book out there. Mark Grayson is a senior in high school who is essentially the son of Superman (an alien from another planet who is called Omni-man in this universe instead of
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
authenticity to each person in the book, super or not. Kirkman also places them in situations that are really just exaggerated versions of conflicts we face day to day. When Mark gets in a fight with his dad, it’s not a “yell, slap, I’m so sorry”; it’s a “BRAKKOW! Crash through a building, realize you’re not as ‘Invincible’ as you thought, and then bleed a few pints” kind of fight. Right about now you may be thinking it’s just violence and teen angst; well, you’d be wrong. Kirkman and Walker put in a good bit of humor to keep the book from getting too serious. They’re also able to add drama, horror, romance, sci-fi, and any other genre you can think up into one comic book. Pick up Invincible, you don’t have to worry about years of continuity, annoying art, or whether or not you’ve ever even read a comic before. Trust me, this is coming from a guy who works in a comic shop.
11 September 2006
#OME (AVE A $RINK 7ITH THE
Being in college is
hard, and free time is even harder to find, but when you do manage
waste it (along with your hard-earned money and liver health) than by drinking some booze. In an effort to help our readers further their delinquency here are some recipes and tips so that you too can drink like the Union. to get some there’s no better way to
Beer:
It’s not just for bonging anymore
tips
A good beer will cost you a bit more than something like Bud or PBR but your investment will be rewarded for two reasons: 1) Expensive beer is often much more ‘potent’ than your staple domestics 2) Expensive beer makes you seem like less of an alcoholic because saying “Oh I love Stone’s 10th IPA it’s so hoppy” is better than saying “Dude I got a 64 pack of PGD, let’s load up the bong and get SHITTY!”
What you drink: Men drink beer and whiskey:
Of course men CAN drink other things, but you must be able to prove your masculinity by being good at pool or darts, playing the best song on the jukebox, or being able to get the bartender’s attention.
Don’t mix with the big boys:
You shouldn’t water down premium spirits by ordering them with mixers. If you’re getting whiskey and Coke, drink from the well, if you’re drinking scotch-rocks make it three fingers of The Glenlivet.
Plop-Plop, Fizz-Fizz:
Fizzy Drinks are more effective at getting you drunk. Don’t ask me why, but it’s the truth. So if you are looking to get a quick buzz you might want to bust out the champagne.
If you like a full-bodied beer (sometimes called bitter) you want something hoppy like an amber or pale ale, for something a little more palatable (sometimes called girly) try a nice blonde, hefeweizen, or anything that claims to be a “summer beer.”
Drink Recipes The Staples
For Men Only
Go Beach!
Here’s the Recipe: 1. Fill a Collins glass with ice. 2. Add 1oz of your main liquor *
Here’s the Recipe: 1. Grab yourself a rocks glass and fill
Here’s the Recipe: 1. Fill a collins glass with ice. 2. Add a half ounce of each of the
I have a saying that goes “when in doubt, order a Collins.” The Collins family is a large family (probably Catholic) that will always treat you well.
Women drink appletinis:
A man with an appletini is analogous to a woman with a penis, it’s as simple as that.
Taste the Difference
2oz of Sweet & Sour 3. Fill the glass to the top with soda water and garnish with a cherry.
*Your main liquor is determined by
which Collins you are drinking; a Tom Collins is gin, a John Collins is Bourbon or Kentuckey whiskey, and a Joe Collins is scotch. You could also order a vodka Collins, a rum Collins, or even a Jaeger Collins. But why would you want to?
The Rusty Nail is probably the manliest drink you will ever consume—but only if you’re man enough. Be forewarned, however, because it will probably give you tetanus*. But it’s worth it.
it with ice. 2. Dump in 1.5oz of scotch (try some Johnny Walker Red Label) 3. Top it off with 5oz of Drambuie (a delicious licorice liquer forged from scotch and pure evil) 4. Enjoy the drink and your newfound masculnity.
*In this context you could also define
tetanus as a ‘violent fit of vomiting.’ So make sure that this is one of your first drinks of the night, otherwise it MIGHT BE YOUR LAST!
Show your beach pride and enjoy a cup of iced tea, Long Beach style. Long Beach Iced Teas* are as refreshing as a glass of the regular stuff but potent enough to kill a small rhinocerous.
3. 4. 5. 6.
following: Vodka, Gin, Tequila, Triple Sec, and Light Rum Add 1.5oz of Sweet & Sour Fill the glass almost to the top with cranberry juice. Add a splash of 7up or Sprite if you’ve got it. Consume and attempt to remain standing.
*This is just one of the many Iced Tea variations, consult your personal bartender for others.
Daily Specials
This Thursday, September 14th Join the Union Weekly Staff and Readers! Special Guest Bartenders!
Monday: Monday Night Football $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights! Weekends: Football! Football! Football! Saturdays: Your Home for Irish Football! Sundays: NFL action all day long.
We’ve got every football game from College to NFL!
140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 11 September 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
15
[Creative Arts] As Ulysses approached the icy ledge and dropped himself down beside Crath, his first mate, the sailor leaned forward to seize the rope held under his heavy boot. He hauled up the cargo dangling into the fiery abyss, a fresh seal carcass roasting in the lively flames of the none-too-distant underworld, and looked up at Ulysses. “We knew you’d make it,” Crath said matter-of-factly through his crooked grin. “It was only a matter of time.” The sailor knew better than to lend his Captain a blade. Ulysses fought off the burning in his hand as he gripped the seal to tear off a flipper separable only by an axe to any other man. “How long has it been?” he asked, ripping off a bite with his teeth. Sara sat contentedly at his side, eyelids readily soaking in the warmth of the flickering flames below. “Just one day since the Maelstrom, Captain. December tenth.” Ulysses turned to Crath quizzically. Misinterpreting his movement, Sara continued, “We didn’t leave you out there that long.” She laughed as he turned back to look down at her, “And it was my idea to call it the Maelstrom.” “How fitting,” he rumbled, staring into her vibrant green eyes, wide in the low light. “Very fitting indeed,” he continued, turning to peer into the fiery depths of the lava stream. Ulysses fell silent a moment, and the whole crew could sense the tension as his mind began to churn. “What cruel twist of fate could send us to such a place?” Their eyes followed his gaze slowly into the fires, where they fell into the all-consuming silence as one.
the cloak he shared with her. Ulysses brushed a stray golden lock away from her pretty face before smiling painfully, rising ever-so-slowly so as not to disturb her. Just lying there awake, taking in Sara’s closeness and her beauty, her innocence and naiveté, was just too much for him to bear. There were things some people just couldn’t understand. He could never bring himself to explain a world to her that she failed to see through mercifully uncorrupted eyes. The world was a dark place – a place that she would never truly see, if Ulysses could help it. As quietly a man his size and persona could manage, Ulysses stepped away from his soundly sleeping crew and ventured outward into the darkness. An entire network of unexplored tunnels lay just beyond the lights of moon and lava; he turned toward the darkest shadow and followed the rocky floor’s ascension where it led him skyward to the peak. Everywhere he turned, the walls spoke of forgotten myths that even the great Ulysses had yet to lay eyes on – stalactites growing from the arching ceiling, ice glowing from the threatening promise of magma behind it, even the molten rock itself pouring forth and hardening before him on the trail, intent on laying new obstacles in his path. Through freezing cold and searing heat, Ulysses steeled himself and pressed inexorably onward. read parts I & II on lbunion.com
Ulysses awoke late at night, safe under the benevolent gaze of the moon that shone down brightly upon them. Carefully equidistant between crashing waves and roiling lava, he lay beside Sara in the warmth of
part three
Tuning in Someone left the tube on in my room. Left me listening to the tuning in Between crackling channels And the static sizzle in the search for Anything coming in clearly. I live alone with the people in the room Quietly conversing without ever a thought To include me. They don’t ask what I’m doing. I’ve tuned them down to a backing track To the television, still alive with ant races. Once in a while, when the EBS hits A high note, I find I’m staring hard at a wall, And the broken, inaudible discussion Rises to a chorus of voices shouting over each other, Then dies away into the frying airwaves. For the most part, this is what it is To live alone with others Talking with inexhaustible dedication To the cause, Keeping Me From Hearing Myself. -By Patrick Dooley
Ode to “The Bridge” I chose to end my life on that bridge. It seemed beautiful and mysterious. It felt like the perfect way to end my life. I couldn’t take the monotony of everyday living. The feeling that nothing would change and it never did. When I reached the bridge, I felt ready. I felt determined to achieve the one goal I knew I could achieve. It was all in my hands. I saw the families as I passed by. Knowing that their lives would continue whereas mine would be gone; almost as if I had never existed. I stopped at the middle of the bridge feeling that this was a nice area. I paused for a moment, looking at the water beneath me, flowing to who knows where. I stepped up and out onto the ledge. Some looked at me, other just walked by. I think that made me want to do it more knowing that some didn’t care. Not that they should, they don’t know me. I stood and looked down. The water seemed like it would be cool. One foot off the ledge, then the other. The second after my feet were off and my body was descending in the air, I realized my mistake. Knowing I was already falling to my death, I saw there was nothing I could do. While falling, I kept thinking about what I would miss. I could have done so much more. It seemed like forever until I hit the water. Then it happened. And to this day, I still feel awful about taking my life. -By Jacquelyn Day
16
The Raven’s Last Flight
By Mike Guardabascio Falling delicately, A smooth crescent creasing an arc in the sky The raven contemplates its fate. There were colorful explosions throughout the sky Bright colors reflecting off his dark slick feathers Then gunshots, Celebratory, enthused And a neat, tidy hole torn through his left wing Now, in the wake of celebration In the clamor of noise The dark bird falls silently Without complaint.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
11 September 2006
[Comics]
You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
Bellyful of Spite By James Kislingbury
Tom By Andrew Wilson
The Flightless Bird-Boy By Christopher Troutman
Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com
18- Nicholas II was the last Russian one 19- Very large city 22- In favor of 23- Apex 24- Molten rock 26- Emitting odor 29- Vocal organ of birds 31- Wood sorrel
32- Molars, e.g. 34- Like Wrigley Field’s walls 36- Very small quantity 38- Fortune-telling cards 40- First-class 41- Nearby 43- Thick sweet liquid 45- High hit
46- Shove 48- Boring tool 50- Dissolve 51- New Zealand parrot 52- Mineral spring 54- Depressed 61- Canoeing body 63- Heaps 64- Capital of Italy 65- Sheltered, nautically 66- Partly melted snow 67- Ireland 68- Capital of Switzerland 69- Nevertheless 70- Venture Down 1- Thin layer 2- Off-Broadway theater award 3- Circular band 4- Fancy home 5- Work up lather 6- Not fooled by 7- Labor 8- Tasteless items, junk 9- Island in the West Indies 10- 6th month of the Jewish religious calendar 11- Roman emperor 13- Bit of liquid 14- Turbulent
20- Rhythmic swing 21- Delhi wrap 25- Exclamation of acclaim 26- Go swiftly 27- Person who arranges marriages 28- Brewer’s need 29- Curt 30- Chemically inactive gas 31- Black gold! 33- Attempt, a score in rugby 35- Society girl 37- Swiss river 39- Pertaining to Turkey 42- Soothe 44- Look 47- Halts 49- Twinned 52- Thick slice 53- Not bright 55- Crafty 56- Swerve sharply 57- Nuisance 58- When said three times, a 1970 war movie 59- Chieftain, usually in Africa 60- Sandy tract 62- Still, in poetry
Medium
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� �
� � � �
��������������������������������������
Across 1- Golfer’s “watch out!” 5- Drunkard 8- Word of comparison 12- Large wading bird 13- Giver 15- Helper 16- Bits of thread 17- Rate
Hard
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
11 September 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
17
[Comics] The Life and Times By Lewis Grey
byrd@lbunion.com
Knowing That You Know Nothing By The Zilla and Mason
Bad Pun By Mike and Shar
Medium
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � �
18
� � � � � � � � �
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.
� � � � � � � � �
How to Play Sudoku
Hard
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Must Present Coupon cannot combine with any other offer exp 9/30/06
11 September 2006
VOLUME 59
MORE 9/11 AND OTHER UNRELATED TRAGEDIES
National News Magazines Take the Week Off
By Avocado Bean Dip GRUNION BOO BOO
F 9/11: The Fucking Ride
ISSUE 3
or the fifth straight year, national news magazines Time and US News & World Report kicked back and took the week off in honor of the tragedies of September 11th, 2001. “We figured as long as we throw a picture of the World Trade Center on the cover with some sort of rhetorical question or vague claim, no one will notice. I mean really, nobody actually wants to read about 9/11, especially on the week of the anniversary,” said US News & World Report Editor-in-Chief Mortimer B. Zuckerman. “This year we went with the headline ‘What Have We Learned?’ We all know that 9/11 was our fault; we need to now admit our mistake and move on. Until those fascist schmucks in the White House and the people who voted for them admit to their wrongdoings, we’re not going to
stop. Next year’s headline is already in the works: ‘Now Are You Happy?’ is the leading frontrunner, but we’re thinking ‘Look At What You’ve Done’ has some potential.” Time magazine took a slightly different approach in their handling of the touchy September 11th issue. A photo shot from atop the Chrysler Building shows the World Trade Centers still standing in Lower Manhattan with the headline, “What We Lost.” “I’m very disappointed in how our cover came out,” said a spokesperson for Time, “It was supposed to read ‘What, We Lost?’ as a dig at our foreign policy and the bleak outlook of the United States’ involvement in the Middle East. But due to a printing error, it just looks like we’re playing on peoples’ emotional response to the terrorist attacks and the loss of thousands of innocent lives in the World Trade Center to sell magazines. And why would we do that? Buy Time.”
JESUS CHRYSLER: Old joke ressurected due to a complete and utter bankruptcy of imagination.
Paul Hogan Dies In A Knife Fight By Fancy Lash
GRUNION GENTLEMAN
roller-coasting into hell: We’ve officially qualified for some kind of CIA investigation for this shit.
By Staff@hotmail.com GRUNION SCAPEGOAT
The New York, New York Hotel and Casino recently unveiled plans to alter portions of their exterior and interior design to commemorate the 5th anniversary of the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center. The head designer for this massive undertaking is none other than famed architect, Olivier S. Tone. “We’ve got some big plans in store for New York, New York,” Tone said in a recent press conference. “First, we’re going to run the roller coaster track through a brand new, semicollapsible replica of the WTC towers. This replica will emit non-toxic smoke plumes amidst a laser light show, on the hour, every hour. And then–get this–we’ve got this huge animatronic Bin Laden that jerks off biodegradable foam onto the towers and the people standing on the streets below. That’s followed by an eagle that flies in and tears his eyes out to some Toby Keith song. Hey, what do you want, it‘s Vegas!?” Other plans for renovation include a “stunt man-approved” air cushion at the base of the towers. Guests will be able to take a ten-story leap off of the towers in an attempt to relive the final moments of the brave souls that took their own lives on that fateful day. And as always, the new renovations have been designed with the children in mind. “We’ve built a ball pit around the base of the towers,” said Tone. “There are incredibly death-like dummies in firefighter gear buried in the balls. Kids can jump in and be heroes, it’s great. And of course we encourage the kids to dress up as police and firefighters themselves. Naturally we’ve got an extensive gift shop dedicated to selling these costumes if you don’t already have your own.” The new renovations will be ready in time for the 5th anniversary and running until they stop making money for the casino.
Paul “Crocodile Dundee” Hogan died last Thursday in a brutal stabbing at a bar in Sydney, Australia. The star of such classic films as Flipper and Strange Bedfellows, Hogan was stabbed after harassing a local barfly regarding the size of his knife. “Eee walks up, roight,” said cultural stereotype and assailant, Angus Pouchington, “an ees all staughtin’ up wiff tha, ‘Thass naw a knoife’ bullshit, so I stabbed ‘im. I don’ see what the big deal is. Snot like he evah did anything to earn that fuckin’ crocodile nickname anyway.” A police report announced Hogan as dead at the scene of the crime. The police report also claims that the actor removed the blade that had been thrust into his still-beating heart only moments before his soul’s “final exit from his defunct life carriage.” Apparently, his body had also been posthumously moved and placed in the women’s restroom. His pants were pulled down and an oversized can of Foster’s was inserted into his “downtown brown.” His wife also alleges that the contents of Hogan’s wallet had been emptied. “Is you makin’ anuva penal colony joke?” Pouchington asked upon hearing this allegation. The 67 year-old’s funeral services were held last Sunday in Hogan’s hometown of Lightning Ridge, New South Wales, Australia. The guests in attendance spanned the spectrum of Australian-Hollywood royalty, with Kangaroo Jack, Yahoo Serious
Hogan hero: This fucking guy never did a decent thing in his entire fucking life and he most certainly never earned the nickname of “Crocodile Dundee.”
and Naomi Watts all there to pay their final respects to a man who commanded none. Serious delivered a stirring eulogy. “Eee died down undah the best possible circumstances,” said Serious. “Eee died doin’ what ee loved. And I’d loike to think that Paul’s up in heaven roight now, flinging a blade into St. Peta’s mohawk.” The ceremony ended with the surviving members of Men At Work playing a sobering rendition of Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock.”
I Hate Football Season By Your Recliner
GRUNION OBVIOUSNESS
You’ve got a much fatter ass than you realize, you know that? You seem to be under the impression that your ass is medium or average-sized judging by the way you sling that thing around, but I assure you that this is not the case. Every Sunday, from sunrise to sunset, for the next 17 weeks (and let’s not forget playoffs!) I’m going to have to sit under you, smothered, choked, unable to go anywhere all day long. And why? Because it’s my karmic duty? Because in a teleological universe my one purpose is to support your ass? Well, really it’s because these four little nubs you call legs aren’t good for walking, so I don’t have much of a choice, now do I? I’m not the only one who has to suffer, either, not that you care as long as your
precious Jacksonville Jaguars are winning. You only care about yourself and your Sunday Ticket package from DirectTV. But what about Me? What about the remote? Do you have any idea how sweaty your palms get when it’s third and long? The remote does. Do you have any idea how much the surround sound speakers hate John Madden’s voice? I do, because they don’t ever shut up about it. And the toilet…dear God, the poor toilet. Maybe you should have some fruits and veggies along with that twelve pack and three bags of chips, Steve, you asshole. But hey, don’t let me get you down. Why should you be? You’re a human, all twolegged and mobile, you can walk anywhere you want, watch anything you want, root for anyone you want (although still, the Jaguars?). Just watch your back after that freak electrical storm animates all your furniture
Advertisement
The chair up there: This chair has a frowny face. Look closely. and appliances–we’ll be looking for you, and I assure you: the remote’s memory lasts way longer than his batteries.
VOLUME 59
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
ISSUE 3
Conditions At Guantanamo Bay Worsen BAYSIDE LOW: Adorable monkey imprisoned without trial.
THE JEWS FAKED 9/11 TOO?
5 Year Anniversary Super Special Completely Tragic 24 Hours A Day, 7 Days A Week
Headlines Karr: “Yeah, that was me.”
Rumsfeld Catches Deadly Ninja Star
DEFENDER OF THE DARK ARTS: The Secretary of Defense unfazed by recent Shoryuken star attack.
Reader’s Poll
Our on-line poll asked readers to vote for one of “Five Things That Can Change Your Life In A Weekend.” The results are below. 1. Take a trip to the city Science Museum, where you wander off, get bitten by a poisonous spider, and gain powers that leave you able to save the world from crime and violence... 2. Christian Camp Adventure, where you accept the Lord (our savior) into your heart, letting the cool river of Jesus’ love flow through your body and change your life forever... 3. Find an oriental skull and switch bodies with Judge Reinhold for an entire weekend. At first it is frustrating, but you learn several life lessons and it brings the two of you that much closer... 4. Surviving in the wilderness with Gary Busey hunting you at every moment. 5. Your grandmother comes back from the Congo with the Ebola virus and unwittingly spreads it to half your family, including you, when she cracks and bleeds out at a family gathering. Luckily you survive the two days of vomiting up your blackened innards with 50% brain activity and get to live the rest of your life in a sanitarium staring at the TV while a retarded man humps your inert body.
By The Nothing GRUNION BIDDY
A
fter weeks of interrogations and blood testing, John Mark Karr was finally cleared of all charges regarding the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. Karr was immediately sent to a high security Colorado prison where he was awaiting child pornography charges, but police then released shocking information about an even graver confession. “Mr. Karr admitted to me during his daily walk around the grounds,” Officer Goodman told reporters Friday, “that he was the lead liaison for terrorist communications in the 2001 September 11 attacks.” Karr then came before a press panel on Saturday where he publicly stated, “Yeah, I was the one who was like, ‘we should totally bring those towers down.’ Then Osama got on board and everything really came together after that.” He then went on to explain, in detail, the intricate role he played in the devastating attacks, providing pie charts, creepy dead-pan stares and a creepy smell, which he claimed was the stench of pure malevolence. FBI senior investigator Clark Fritz was the first to identify major holes in Karr’s story, including conflicting eyewitness accounts of him being at a Chucky Cheese in Wyoming during times he claimed he was coordinating flight plans in Mozambique. “Not to mention the fact,” Fritz continued, “that certain key individuals he said he was working with deny any knowledge
of who he is, that is, with the exception of Kalema Hootine. However, Karr never mentioned him to us.” Hootine, a long time big-wig of the Taliban, recalled many conversations with Karr. “I am not surprised that he did not tell you my name. It wasn’t a clean break by any means. We started having problems when Johnnie would obsess about how beautiful the Twin Towers were. He would often spend hours a day just staring at pictures of them.” “I remember the day it happened,” Hootine recollected of September 11, 2001. “He was hauntingly pale. It was like his mother had died. After that, everything really went downhill. He would sit in our empty study–I had moved everything out to redecorate for Fall–and KARR BOMBING: John Mark Karr (pictured above) will acjust toss playing cards into a top hat cept any blame you care to throw his way. for hours on end.” FBI investigators, Karr explained that he In addition to his suspected mental ill- left the flaming piece of toilet paper that ness and faulty claims and accounts, vari- instigated the summer wild fires of 2003, ous parties have come forward to protest lead the Hutu in Rwandan genocide, ran Karr’s constant willingness to be the nega- over 453 people’s dogs and seven little tive center of attention. girls cats, was responsible for the hang“He is full of it,” explained Dr. Ellision ing chad dilemma in the 2000 election, of Colorado’s St. Bruno of Bovine Crimi- ruined his family’s Christmas in 1974, nal Medical Center, “and we are beginning directed Alexander in 2004, and tamto think that his psychosis is much more pered with the levies causing the further severe than earlier diagnosed. It appears tragic destruction brought on by hurrithat he is now claiming responsibility for cane Katrina. dozens of national, and even natural, diKarr will remain at St. Bruno of Bovine sasters.” until preliminary proceedings for the first These speculations were made evi- of his many trials, which were announced dent when Karr stood in front of a panel as October 19th of this year.
9/11 Anniversary Goes Unnoticed, Ignored By Whore A. Wilkins
OPINIONS EDITOR-DAILY 69ER
As Morgan Freeman’s character from the movie Se7en once said, “The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.” He may have been quoting someone else. I can’t remember. The world has changed a lot over the past 5 years. “Tomkat” had a kitten. “Bennifer” became “Bennifer 2.” Kevin Federline released some songs on MySpace and Brittany walked barefoot in a bathroom. However, approximately five years ago—on September 11, 2001— something happened that is arguably bigger than most of these events combined and yet no one seems to remember. To most people 9/11 is just a number one calls when two 747s crash into the World Trade Center buildings. But why? My sister and her son, Skyler, have recently come to live with me. They made the move from Arkansas. One night, while Skyler’s mom was in the other room listening to a book-on-tape of The O’Reilly Factor For Kids, I asked my nephew if he knew what 9/11 meant. “No,” the three year-old said brightly. I was devastated, not because Skyler is so woefully ignorant, but because I realized
GLAMOUR SHOT AND AWE: Beauty is in the eye that’s looking towards the hairline.
that he is not alone. Based on my best guesstimations, I’ve deduced that nearly everyone in America is unaware of the fact that 9/11 happened five years ago. What’s more, it seems that the only people who are aware of this
anniversary are the writers for The Daily 69er and The Grunion. “I haven’t seen any coverage for it anywhere,” one of our senior staffers declared. “I mean, it’s nowhere in The Grunion or The Daily 69er, so I must assume that the other major publications haven’t touched the story either.” Until now. We cannot sit idly by and ignore the ignorance of one of the greatest tragedies of the past five years just because the war that it spurned is an accomplished mission. Nay, we must heed the words of faded bumper stickers across the heartland and pause in our hastening to disremember. For only in our idle remembrance will the tragedy ever be corrected; in fact, I shudder to think how the war on terror would have ever been won without it. So in closing, I implore you to write to less reputable news sources and alert them to the inadequacies of their coverage. Use a title that panders to your reader and write about a completely different topic about halfway through. Hopefully they won’t read your letter with a blank stare in their eye, missing the point completely. They’d sure be assholes if they read through your entire letter without getting the point. Big, fat, disgusting, assholes.
Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to Fancylash@ lbunion.com if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.