59.05

[Issue 59.5] Why are you reading my letter?

Letter from the Editor You’re bored, right? How’d I know? Well, there could be no other answer to why you’d be reading this newspaper at this exact moment other than that you are bored out of your mind. Let me guess: you grabbed a copy of the Union Weekly–mistaking it for a copy of the OC Weekly–on your way into class so that you’d have something to occupy your attention while your professor blathers on about coefficients, dangling participles, or Nietzsche’s musings on the nature of existence. You’re sitting somewhere near the back of the class–not too far though, you don’t want to be suspicious–and you’re attempting to shield yourself from the professors line-of-sight to your inclass reading material with the assistance of the husky body of one of your classmates. I’d suggest checking out the crossword puzzle or Sudoku on page 17. I’ll give you a hint: CAIN is Adam and Eve’s first-born son. Thank me later.

You’ve found yourself getting distracted more and more often in class, and you attribute it directly to the professor’s lack of teaching ability; you’d think that someone would screen these people before they got hired to teach. I mean look at him/her: dorky clothing, graying hair, and they could probably stand to lose a couple of pounds.

Or, you’re in a secluded area on campus, whether it be at a lonely table in one of the courtyards, a small patch of grass behind your class, or just removed from the world with the help of your trusty iPod. You’re one of the lucky ones because you’ve found a way to take some time for yourself between classes to just sit back and relax. Put down the paper and take a look at the people around you; not all of them are as lucky. See that guy? Yeah, he has to work full time in addition to his 16 units so that he can graduate in four years or else he’ll lose his financial aid and be forced to drop out. He worked his ass off in high-school to make it into a University he could afford, and makes sure that every day he spends on campus is for the benefit of his education. The poor sap doesn’t even know what the Union Weekly is, let alone have the time to slow down and actually read a copy. Wish him luck.

Or look at her, over there in the high-heels. That poor girl is so wrapped up in her appearances and social status that she’s forgone bringing her books to school so that she can bring her new Gucci bag. I mean you have to feel bad for her. All of her friends got into UCLA or USC because their parents spoiled them. She wasn’t so lucky; she has some of those asshole parents that think you should work for what you

want. Lucky for her, her grades won’t quite shine and she won’t have to worry about coming back to Cal State Long Beach next year. She’ll never even know what the Union Weekly is because she never took the time to find out that her school even had a newspaper, let alone two.

Or, I have completely underestimated our readership, and as it turns out, you’re one of my professors.

Hi, how’s it going? Sorry I didn’t come to class last week, I swear I’ve been fighting off a wicked cold for a while now, and needed the rest. I’ll see you in class tomorrow for sure. I promise. Oh, and that crack I made about standing to lose a couple of pounds? I wasn’t talking about you, really, I was talking about this other teacher who wears dorky clothing and is beginning to gray, I swear.

Or maybe you’re reading the Union Weekly in the exact place where it’s meant to be read. We’ve strategically placed a stand in close proximity many of the restrooms on campus for an optimal reading experience.

Personally, I get my best reading done in the privacy of my own stall, so you and I are on the same page. I know I’ll have to keep this brief, as our time is fleeting, but thank you for reading, it means the world to us.

Just make sure to throw away this copy and get a new one before reading the rest of the newspaper. Better yet, slide this copy under the barrier and into the stall next to you, maybe someone less fortunate than you will pick it up and discover the Union Weekly for the first time.

Or maybe you’re reading this two weeks from now, and you found a copy wedged between the seat cushions of your buddy’s car. You don’t normally read school newspapers, and why should you? They’re stuffy, boring, and well, informative, and who the hell wants that? Lucky for you, you’re reading the Union Weekly, and you won’t have to worry about any of those things.

But whoever you are, and wherever you are reading this issue, I just want to thank you for taking a Union Weekly with you. This week, we’ve got 20 pages chock full of other interesting stuff for you to sink your teeth into. Just to the right, on page 3, we’ve got an Opinion

by President F. King Alexander encouraging you to get off your lazy ass and graduate for God’s sake. We’ve got a great article on the future of the campus library on page 5. There’s a feature on the Black Keys, the saviors of Rock and Roll on page 11, as well as an opportunity to win a bunch of cash, simply by writing us a short story on page 15. Enjoy.

-Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

Letter to the Editor While the Long Beach Union Weekly should be commended for covering on-campus political events rather than buying filler pieces from non-CSULB students off theUniversity Wire, its report on the September 13th visit from Israeli Consul Gilad Millo was sorely disappointing.

First, the article included a glaring factual error by implying that the demonstrators at the event were Muslim students who continually yelled out at the speaker. In fact, the majority of the demonstrators questioning Israeli policy were not Muslim. Additionally, the Muslim students who were demonstrating organized a specifically silent protest and did not speak at all, much less shout at the speaker in any way. It would be a terrible shame if individual Muslim students or the Muslim Students Association as a whole were held responsible for the actions of others due to the mistake in the article.

Sadly, such misinformation reinforces the general trend for any discussion of the Middle East to devolve into the ridiculous stereotype that all Muslims hate all Jews (or vice versa). Unfortunately, the article printed in the Union fed right into this fallacious assessment because it appeared that the author was presenting the oversimplified and unqualified jingoism of a professional mouthpiece of the Israeli state as an objective analysis of recent Middle Eastern affairs. Due to what I believe was carelessness in the author’s choice of words, a disservice to the Union’s readers, as well as its own journalistic integrity, was committed.

In order to make any progress, we as a society and as individuals must forgo relying on obviously biased remarks to piece together an overview of Middle Eastern conflicts in favor of actually researching historical evidence in a comprehensive manner that incorporates multiple perspectives. Snap judgments and vague statements not only present incomplete and inaccurate information, they furthermore obscure the path to peaceful resolution.

-Elisa Herrera Graduate student of Middle Eastern History

Tell us what you think. Log onto www.lbunion.com and read “Far Away Issue, Hits Close to Home” for yourself.

The Third Semesterly Short Story Contest Hey all! Strapped for cash? Looking to make some quick dough for a short story? Be sure to flip to page 15 and check out the announcement of the Union Weekly’s third semesterly short story contest. Be part of a tradition, a tradition that includes bounced checks, dodged calls, and at least one lawsuit. Just kidding. Mostly. But whether you need the bones or not, make sure to read about and enter the story contest; with a little luck, and a dollop of skill, that could be your name up there in lights someday.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Izzett Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Erin Hickey Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com carolynn@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com pat@lbunion.com

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com jenperry@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, F. King Alexander, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Giuliano De Pieri, Chris Barrett, Katy Parker, Vincent Girimonte, Cynthia Romanowski, Katy Thomas, Eric Bryan, Laura Sardisco, Dylan Little, Christine Hodinh, Wesley Whitehead, Annalisa Brizuela, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Marcus Bockman, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

25 September 2006

Opinions

Graduation Begins Today

Last week we discussed how matter is made up of atoms, which are just a cluster of protons and neutrons with electrons swarming around outside. It’s important to know that electrons tend to pair up. Most non-metal atoms are stable when there are four such pairs around the outer edges of the electron swarm. For instance, in pure silicon, each atom typically has four electrons around its outer edges, so each atom shares its outer electrons with four other silicon atoms, forming four shared pairs. Each of these shared pairs is called a bond, and bonds are what hold materials together.

Electrons may also escape the atoms they’re part of and move to another atom completely. Materials in which this happens easily, like copper, are called conductors. Materials that don’t allow electrons to move between atoms, such as rubber, are called insulators. Then there are some materials, like silicon, that are in between; these are called semi conductors. Silicon normally acts as an insulator, but if you mix certain atoms into it, conduction can occur. For instance, phosphorous has five electrons around its edges normally. When a phosphorous atom is mixed with silicon, four of its electrons pair with surrounding silicon atoms, as if it too were a silicon atom. Unbonded, the remaining electron can more easily move to other atoms, so the material now partially conducts; this is n-type doping. Alternatively, if you mix in boron, which normally has three outer electrons, there will be one bond missing an electron, into which an electron may move freely; this is p-type doping.

These moving electrons are collectively called a current. Conventionally, we say that the current moves in the opposite direction that the electrons move; this means that electrons have a negative charge and protons have a positive charge. So anywhere that’s positive in charge has fewer electrons than protons, and anywhere that’s negative in charge has more electrons than protons.

Using these materials together we may design a device that conducts only

Continued on page 4

By F. King Alexander The F*King President

As you walk around campus this fall you have probably noticed many references to the slogan “Graduation Begins Today.” In a simplified way this statement may appear to be nothing more than a casual reminder that graduating is one of the primary reasons why you are enrolled at Cal State Long Beach.

However, the purpose for advancing this message throughout campus is to consistently remind you that unlike any other period in the history of American higher education, graduating with a university degree has never meant more for your future well-being than it does today. In fact, recent national data suggests that if you begin your college education and drop out, your average earning capacity for a lifetime will not differ very much from that of a high school graduate who never attended college at all. According to the 2004 U.S. Census Bureau, average median earnings for full-time year-round workers 25 years and over with a high school degree was $31,075, while the median average earnings of a student who attended but did not finish college was only $36,381. As these figures clearly indicate, there is very little difference in the limited earnings capacity of a high school graduate and that of a college attendee. However, if you complete your bachelor’s degree your average median earnings increase considerably to $50,394 per year. When compounding these annual differences, students who complete their bachelor’s degree when compared to students who only attend college will earn over $600,000 more throughout their lifetime.

Enhanced individual earnings capacities

are not the only benefit that bachelor’s degree recipients receive when compared to collegiate attendees who do not complete their degrees.

If you drop out of college you will have a much greater likelihood of being unemployed during your lifetime. According to 2005 U.S. Census Bureau data only 2.6% of bachelor’s degree recipients remained unemployed while 4.2% of college attendees were unemployed.

Also, your long term health can be negatively impacted in numerous ways if you do not complete your degree. For example, college attendees are less likely to have quality health insurance options when compared to those who have completed their degrees.

Unfortunately, in the U.S., higher earnings and better health insurance give individuals improved health care opportunities and many other health-related benefits including increased spending on medical services, drugs, and medical supplies. Ultimately, this means that bachelor’s degree recipients are more likely to live longer than individuals who attend a university but do not complete their degrees.

In addition, bachelor’s degree recipients enjoy greater career satisfaction and mobility when compared to those who never completed their undergraduate degrees. Having more career opportunities enables a higher level of job satisfaction and the ability to relocate for career advancement. Bachelor’s degree recipients are also more likely to retire much later in life than college attendees because their career satisfaction is much higher, thus increasing their earnings capacity as well.

However, university graduates are not the only beneficiaries of higher collegiate degree attainment levels. Society at-large also gains significantly from improving student success

and completion rates. When individual earnings increase, local and state economies benefit immensely from higher tax revenues and more spending per capita. Society also benefits from increased volunteerism in local community and civic organizations.

Bachelor’s degree recipients volunteer more at civic, religious, educational, health, sport and recreational organizations than do individuals who did not complete their college degrees. College graduates also vote in much higher percentages than do those who did not graduate from college, thus positively impacting the “democratization” of society.

Various national surveys over the last decade also indicate that university graduates read newspapers more frequently, attend live music and theatre performances, enjoy museums, exercise more, and are more environmentally active than individuals who did not graduate from college. Each of these outcomes provides benefits that extend far beyond the individual and help create attractive, diverse, and welleducated societies.

Therefore, it is imperative that you remain focused on your graduation goal. Graduation must always be at the forefront of your educational objectives as a student at Cal State Long Beach.

As a University, we stand prepared to assist you with a multitude of academic and student services that are devoted to your success, whether you are pursuing an undergraduate or graduate education. Please take advantage of these programs and services. As these data clearly show, the odds will rapidly shift in your favor once you walk across the graduation stage. For these collective reasons, graduation “does” begin today and should be a part of your daily thoughts as a Cal State Long Beach student.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

3

[Opinions]

Continued from page 3 if we apply the right charge. Thus, it acts like a light switch that’s turned on and off by electricity rather than a toggle.

The following diagram shows this:

Shoot The Messenger

N-doped N-channel Insulator

+ P-doped NPN Transistor

N-doped

When a negative charge is applied, the central p-doped region doesn’t conduct. When a positive charge is applied, electrons collect against the insulator, and allow conduction between ndoped regions. Reversing the dopings reverses the operation, so a PNP transistor would conduct when a negative charge is applied.

By Patrick Dooley Intune Director

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

I Pierce The Body Electric

By Wesley A. Whitehead Contributor

I don’t have any numbers, but it seems to me that a sizable amount of college students modify their appearances during their college years. They may change their hair, get a piercing, or get other forms of body art. Some of the alterations are easily fixed: hair and, to a degree, piercings. Other forms of changing your appearance are a little more permanent.

Most of you will eventually have to leave the ivory tower and enter the job force, and the more permanent forms of body modification will not be as easily removed as an earring. Give serious thought to the more permanent ways you modify your body.

Spend time thinking about what you want imprinted on you. If it is something you are not certain will properly reflect you for the rest of your life, you may not want to put it on your flesh. If it withstands that test, give thought to where you are going to have it placed. If you do not like the idea of other people being able to easily see your body art in the future, have it placed somewhere most people wont look.

You should also recognize that certain images carry weight because of what they symbolize. Displaying those images on your flesh can cause people to think differently about you. Make sure you understand the meaning of your tattoos, and that you are okay with other people knowing the meaning as well.

This is of extra importance if your body art has meaning but you assume most people won’t know the meaning of it (There is the possibility that you will encounter someone who knows the meaning of the body art, though you assume they don’t).

Some members of our society would like for you to believe that people will not act on their prejudices and think of you, but the reality is that people do allow their prejudices to affect their thoughts. You can’t always judge a book by its cover, but the cover usually gives you a pretty damned good idea of what the book is about.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Input 1

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himself so forcefully.” He used a pertinent historical quotation to drive home an important point about reason and harmony amongst people of faith, and he handled it with reserved delicacy. Does this call for the outcry radicals have stirred up? My opinion is that it does not.

In actuality the out-spoken radicals—and I say radicals not only because that’s what they are, but to differentiate between peace-loving, rational Muslims—have succeeded only in proving the violent nature they assumed the Pope had addressed, when in actuality he’d never intended what they thought. For all of its seriousness, there’s something inherently funny in a group of people saying “What? He called us violent? I’m gonna kill that bastard!” Of course that’s not a direct quote, but it is about the equivalent of saying, “Don’t come to Turkey.”

Input 2

.0.

By now all the world has heard about Pope Benedict XVI’s remarks during his speech in Germany. We’ve read about the Catholic nun who was murdered, presumably in connection to the pontiff ’s comment, and there’s been no shortage of Islamic backlash toward the supposed anti-Muslim sentiment. There have been apologies, acceptance, retractions of acceptance and re-apologies, but the glaring question in my mind is whether this tornado of controversy is justified, or whether it’s been a very ironic way of proving the misconstrued meaning of the initial comment.

The Pope’s questionable quote in “full” as you may have read in any number of national or local publication reads: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith

he preached.” At face value, this small section of Benedict’s broad speech could very well be misunderstood and consequently rendered quite offensive. Now step aside and use that lump of wet noodle behind your forehead, and consider the greater context of the quotation’s usage. Was it an attack on Islam?

It turns out that the words “Islam” and “Muslim” are used once apiece in the entirety of the address, and “Mohammed” was uttered only twice. Furthermore, the only reference to Islam was not only a quotation from a 14th century Byzantine emperor, but its inclusion was only to illustrate a point the Pope was making about reason in religion.

He emphasized that violence had no place in religion, and used this medieval example as a call for reason and peaceable understanding.

Given the bluntness of the quotation, Benedict preceded it with an almost condemning declaration of its “startling brusqueness,” and later said that the emperor had “expressed

This device is a transistor that’s useful in digital devices. In fact, its operation is what has allowed our digital revolution.

It may not be obvious why a light switch controlled by electric forces is useful, but consider your brain cells; they receive electrical signals from other brain cells and output a signal depending on what those signals were. Transistors work in the same way; they are special because what they switch on and off is what causes them to switch. When put together properly, they can then ”process” information in ways similar to brain cells. The following diagram shows one assembly that is called a NAND gate, whose output is positive in charge only if both inputs are positive and is negative in charge otherwise:

NPN

PNP Output

NAND Gate

This is called digital logic because negative charge can be thought of as representing a 0 digit, and positive as representing a 1 digit. By combining these digits, you can represent any integer in binary. Using transistor assemblies with multiple inputs, we can then represent numbers, and also perform logical and mathematical manipulations of these numbers. This ability to perform automated calculations is what makes these transistors so useful.

Although there were ways to do this before transistors, they were too large and inefficient for common use.

Transistors differ because they can be made out of very little material and, if designed properly, only need to use energy and produce heat when switching.

In fact, modern transistors can be made so small that they’re less than 65 nanometers in length; that’s less than onethousandth the thickness of this page.

Due to their small size and efficiency, as many as a billion transistors can be fit into a single computer and not overheat, malfunction, or waste power.

I hope this article has demystified transistors and computers, the two modern necessities most often complicated unnecessarily.

Questions? Comments?

Brian Dunning can be reached at brian@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

25 September 2006

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

Shedding Light on Library Renovations

By Vincent Girimonte

and Recovery System, or ASRS. The robotic structure will resolve this dilemma by providing an on-site high capacity facility which will house, protect, and rapidly retrieve materials which are low demand, specialized or which are particularly vulnerable to theft and mutilation.”

This massive structure will be constructed on the south side of the library, in between the multimedia building and the library.

With steel frames and a brick veneer exterior, the new structure will take up approximately 3,200 square feet and have a height of 45 feet. If this wasn’t impressive enough, the robot will have a freestanding rack structure that will store over 5,100 bins, and it will be able to find any book or journal in less then 5 minutes.

“We simply needed to make room; room for new faculty, room for new books, and we wanted to make the library more study-oriented,” said Henry Dubois, Assistant Dean of the library. “But ORCA isn’t the only thing that is going to make this library state-of-the-art.”

In addition to the ORCA system, there are going to be many other innovative ideas

It’s Not a Right, It’s a Requirement

By Ryan Kobane News Director

T

he responses are mixed; some think that there will be robots, quickly passing out books on silver trays; others seem to have heard that there will no longer be any books to browse through on the shelves; but the majority of students simply have no clue at all, the consensus is that after nearly six months of construction, no one truly has a grasp on the library renovation’s purpose.

“I haven’t the slightest clue of what’s going on in there,” said junior Devin O’Neill.

The funny thing about this comment isn’t the fact that he is clueless about a huge renovation project that has been underway for some time, it’s the fact that not a single person interviewed had any understanding of what is happening with their library.

There are two main reasons that seem to add to this lack of knowledge; indifference is prevalent in those that choose not to use the library, citing that they don’t care what’s going on. Second is the fact that students feel they have been left in the dark, thinking they’ve been given little to no information on the renovation and how it will affect them.

Thus it was time to get to the bottom of the rumors and shed some light on the situation.

“One to one service is still our main goal, and something we do very well already,” said Faculty Facilities Coordinator Tracey Mayfield. “All of the renovations are simply to make using the library an easier and less stressful experience.”

The new “Online Remote Collections Access,” or ORCA for short, is the name given to the main renovation project happening in the library. This same system has been used in such universities as California State Northridge and Sonoma to great success.

“The students love it,” said Richard Maxon, nighttime library supervisor at Cal State Sonoma. “We use it to save space in the library. We store about 25% of our books and journals in the system, and other than when it has mechanical issues, which isn’t very often, it is a very useful tool to have.”

So what is an ORCA? This very technical machine is perfectly explained on the CSULB website: “Since part of the library renovation project is to vacate the three story East building, a need arose to deal with continued collection growth vs. available space. The University Library is presently short of stack space and is adding 12-15,000 volumes each year. The solution is an Automated Storage

All of the renovations are simply to make using the library an easier and less stressful experience.

-Tracey Mayfield Faculty Facilites Coordinator inside the library itself, the first being a selfcheck-out station on every floor. If there are lines at the main desk, it’s going to be as simple as swiping your ID and book of choice, and you’re out of there, hassle free.

And how about the fact that it’s very difficult to have a productive group study session because of all the distractions going on in the designated areas? Well they thought about that as well. The information commons will be the most technically advanced area of the renovation. Booths that are equipped with one flat screen computer are being placed so all the students using that booth can see easily without distraction. In addition, small things that create large problems, such as limited access to wireless Internet and power outlets, have also been addressed in the plans.

Oh, and once you thought the library couldn’t get any cooler, they decided to put a Starbucks in, especially for those late night caffeine fixes we have all become so accustomed to. With the comfy couches and oh-sorelaxing music, floor one of the library should

Photo Courtesy ED2

This ‘file’ photo shows the type of filing system that is going to be installed in the campus library. Other CSU schools, including Sonoma State, have already succumbed to our new robotic overlords. become the place to be during finals, and is supposed to be open by next semester. Open mic nights are also in the works, giving students a perfect forum to express themselves.

Some students are concerned that the library will not be a conducive study atmosphere during finals, but now the library and the Horn center will act as one entity, staying open for the same amount of time, and allowing the overflow of students a place to work. Also, construction never lasts past 5 o’clock, leaving the main library quiet and peaceful during the high traffic times.

“The complete renovation will cost somewhere between 26 and 29 million dollars of bond money already approved by voters, meaning that no money comes directly out of the students’ pockets,” said Dubois, dispelling any rumors that the students will have to pay for the project.

According to the renovation schedule, construction should be finished around the end of Fall 2007. For more information about the renovations, as well as information about where specific collections have been relocated to, see the official Library renovation website at: www.csulb.edu/library/remodel/index.html.

Questions? Comments?

Ryan Kobane can be reached at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

President Alexander Supports Proposition 1D

By Vincent Girimonte Union Staffer If the upcoming elections have slipped under your political radar these past couple months, you are hereby forgiven. School is upon us once again, like a warm, smelly blanket. We barely have time to fit a game of disc golf into our busy schedule, let alone watch the news and partake in other peripheral activities.

However, there comes a time when we must give some thought as to what we are voting for this November. Do not let the hoopla that comes with a gubernatorial race distract you from the many ballot measures.

Take Proposition 1D, for instance. Proposi-

25 September 2006

tion 1D is a measure that will give a total of 10.4 billion dollars to the public school system in California, ranging from kindergarten all the way to the CSU and UC systems.

90 million of this bond act will come directly to CSULB, more than any other school in the CSU system.

President Alexander visited the student senate this past Wednesday, pointing out the benefits of Prop 1D. “Make sure the students understand that this will impact them directly,” he said, calling for a strong voter turnout amongst CSULB students. The money, he continued, would be used for a new science center, and a revamping of the school’s nursing program. Also, a large sum will head directly to the improvement of the library.

Despite the obvious benefits for public education, Prop 1D raises some major criticisms. For starters, borrowing money never gets voters too excited, let alone 10.4 billion dollars. Many critics simply believe California cannot afford 1D, and that a more specific and targeted approach would be more effective while the state faces massive debt.

Regardless of your opinion on the matter, Proposition 1D merits your valuable thinking time. And remember, this is just one of many measures that will placed in front of you come November 7th. Overwhelming? Too bad! It’s democracy, and nobody said it was easy.

Questions? Comments?

Any questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Union Staffer

The city of Greenleaf, Idaho, has taken a bold step towards making sure their small, rural community remains a safe haven for reclusive Americans. A new ordinance, proposed by the Greenleaf city council, is in the works to require that every head of household own a firearm. Such a law has been passed before, including an ordinance passed in Kennesaw, Georgia, in 1982. The Civil Emergencies Ordinance is coming just in time according to the city council and Art Bailey, citizen of Greenleaf.

“There is not a lot of crime here, but I know it’s coming,” Bailey remarked. The area surrounding Greenleaf has seen large growth in the recent years, and the city is bracing itself for chaos as the population is expected to spike to 1,000 people.

President Bush Talks Taxes President Bush is going back to his trusty campaign pistols, warning Americans against the danger of a Democratic congress, and the tax-raising that will inevitably follow. Throughout the Bush presidency, tax cuts have been a backbone of his policy, often drawing criticisms from Democrats, accusing Bush’s progrowth plans of benefiting the rich and stretching the income gap. “They will raise your taxes.

It’ll hurt our economy,” alleged Bush. The November 7th elections have Republicans concerned due to the possibility of a Democratic takeover in both the House of Representatives and Senate.

Toodles Tony Just weeks after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his plan to resign, Britain’s Labour Party is feeling pressure to regain credibility amongst voters. The building dissatisfaction with Blair reached its climax earlier this year. With the public fed up with the war in Iraq and Blair’s strong alliance with U.S. President Bush, the Labour Party has struggled to remain intact after political in-fighting.

The Conservative opposition, led by the young and charismatic David Cameron, has gained support and is currently favored over the Labour Party in a recent poll.

Gordon Brown, current Treasury chief and likely successor to Blair, has yet to inspire the public, many still doubting his ability to run the country.

Correction A passage in last week’s article “Far Away Issue, Hits Close to Home” should have read: “Shortly after he commenced his speech, several students, including silent protesting Muslim students, raised homemade banners...” We regret the error and any confusion the lexical ambiguity caused.

5

Sports

Quote O’ The Week “I’m not a slow quarterback.

I’m just the slowest black one.”

uper Fan Speaks Again

By Jo-Ryan Salazar

I

Special to the Union

personally think the Event Staff people who look over these athletic events are really pushing it now. They simply won’t leave Super Fan alone to rally the troops. Obviously either they didn’t read my previous article that I wrote in the second issue for this semester, or they simply don’t know what the Union newspaper is. I’ll leave it to you to ask those turds, but don’t waste your time. Working in events staff has to be the loneliest job at the Beach, more so than the Annual Fund (which is a next-to-impossible mission in itself!) To those people, especially the boss, I pity you.

However, I’ll give these insensitive ingrates two things: they let me stay for the entire match, this time against UNLV, which we won 3 games to 1, and they referred to me by my informal nickname, “The Super Fan,” which might be a possible idea for a comic; we’ll just have to wait and see. But the fact that I can’t even get inside the Pyramid for the next home game has to be a shot in the foot for Event Staff, because UC Santa Barbara’s coming to town, and we split two games with them last year. We did win at home, though, and given that they will probably be stumbling into conference play against Alexis Crimes, Misha Hasalikova and the crew, this is a winnable match.

But no one ever said a game was a piece of cake just by the records. In the Big West, records don’t matter. What matters is how you play against the other squads, because there is no tournament in this conference, meaning that if you finish high or even win the title, you

get into the NCAA Tournament, and from there, it’s a new ball game. Those Gauchokes could either choke, or we could. Event Staffers, you’d better hope that the Beach wins, because if they fall gracelessly, it’s your fault for kicking out the Super Fan for that game.

And since I stuck it to those Vegas fans after the game was over, let me say this to whoever had to blow the whistle on that: “Beach students don’t eject other Beach students after some other Beach students won a game for the Beach.” You know who you are, and it would have been best to have just ignored it. In short: you have no Beach Pride. Repent while you still can.

But if you want a little bit of sympathy from me, at least give me my game ticket and bobblehead before I leave you guys to waste your time again on Event Staff for that darn match on the 29th. Win-win situation. Think about that for a while.

And I still pity you.

An Open Letter From Major League Baseball

By Ryan ZumMallen Union Staffer Dear Sports Fan: “Remember us? You and me hung out all summer! Well, I’ve noticed that things haven’t been the same between us lately. I heard you’ve been hanging out with football a lot.

That’s cool.

Hey! Remember how much fun we had this summer? Before football? You don’t? Oh, well, I was just thinking that maybe we could do it again sometime. I mean, the PLAYOFFS are coming up and all. Well, no, they haven’t started yet. The season’s not quite over. Yeah, so it’s a little long, but hey! It’s gonna be a great playoff race! Ok, so it’s a little bit lopsided this year, what with the American League being vastly superior to the National League. I mean, Jesus, even I would take the Blue Jays over the Mets in a seven-game series. Still, it’s better than football, right? Where are you going? Please pay attention to me!”

Love, MLB Don’t be fooled. The 2006 MLB playoffs are nothing more than a feeble attempt to pry your attention away from the NFL for a couple of weeks.

Here is all you need to know about the

Read more on Men’s Water Polo on Page 7.

Photos by Art Montoya

6

American League: The winner of the ALCS will be the world champion. No need to watch the World Series this year. No one can keep the AL champ from beating the NL champ this year. Not even Chuck Norris.

Here is all you need to know about the National League: Ryan Howard is a boss.

That’s it.

There are still games to be decided, but as of right now, the Yankees, Tigers, Twins and Athletics have all but locked up their spots in the American League.

The Mets and Cardinals are nearly locked up in the NL, but the other two spots teeter between the Padres, Dodgers and Phillies.

Too bad that the Padres and Phillies are capable of winning games down the stretch and the hometown Dodgers are not. Sorry, Blue.

You guys had a pretty impressive season and all. I mean, that 17 wins out of 18 games streak was a great run. However… all of your opponents during that run were under .500, and you play in the NL West, (AKA worst division in the history of professional sports) soooooooo… you’ve got no chance.

Asking me to predict who will win the World Series is like asking me to predict which team’s hat will start popping up on campus this fall. Remember all the White Sox fans last year? Where are they now?

They’re at the mall, stocking up on Minnesota Twins caps. Because they’re going to win the World Series. And they’ve also got pretty sweet hats.

Prepare to meet a lot of people who claim that they are, “Well, not exactly FROM Minnesota, but I grew up in the surrounding area for a couple of years. And by years I mean months. And by months I mean I visited there a couple times. Actually, once. So I’m a die-hard Twins fan. For life! I just waited until they won the World Series in 2006 to buy the hat and wear it in public, that’s all.”

So maybe I’m just a little bitter because the White Sox won’t be in the hunt this postseason.

So what? Unlike most Sox fans, I’m actually from Chicago. I have permission to bitch.

Because on paper, we had a great chance to repeat as champs this year, and we blew it.

But games are not played on paper, they are played on SportsCenter.

I won’t make the excuse that we played in baseball’s most competitive division in years.

I won’t. I won’t even remind you that we were the only team in the majors to have four 30-HR hitters. I won’t. Still, no matter how badly we’ve underachieved this year…we’re still better than the Cubs!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled football game.

This is My Team

hurts. My seventh birthday sucked. There was a fucking earthquake, AND the Giants got swept in the ’89 Series. I cried. They lost the ’62 series in game seven. My dad cried. I will never forgive Dusty Baker for pulling Russ Ortiz out of game six of the ‘02 World Series.

The guy’s throwing a two hitter and you pull him out of game six? What the hell are you saving him for! They blew a five run lead to lose, and went on to lose to Anaheim. Let’s not forget the ’93 fall from grace, in which the third-place Dodgers defeated them in the final game, nixing their last chance for a playoff appearance.

It’s tough being a Giants fan. It’s an existence fraught with second places, game seven losses, and Barry Bonds. He can’t run, can’t hit, and costs as much as a mission to Mars.

The team, on average, has the oldest players in baseball, which is bad, but it also means that they’ll be retiring soon (hopefully), and we can get some new blood. Go Giants, and fuck Orel Hershisher.

-By Conor Izzett

It has occurred to me that many of the people reading this, including the Sports editor, will have little to no sympathy for me, but whatever. I hate the Dodgers, and you know what that means! I’m a Giants fan.

I grew up on Will Clark, Matt Williams, and Robby Thompson, so naturally, I also grew up hating the likes of Orel Hershiser. Hating the Dodgers is as big a part of being a San Francisco fan as loving the Giants. It’s the oldest rivalry in baseball, and if you’re going to be committed to either team to any degree, there’s pretty much no avoiding it. It’s in the blood. I’m a third generation Giants fan, and it’s just how I was raised. Somebody once asked me, “If the Dodgers were playing Osama Bin Laden, who would you root for?” Well…

A lot is made of the long World Series droughts of some teams; formally the Red Sox, and of course, the Cubs, but the only other team that has gone longer without winning a big’un, is the Giants (52 years), and it

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Straight

...Byron Leftwich showing it doesn’t hurt to be truthful, and that his wit is quicker than his feet.

with

ROOF

JJ Fiddler

The NFL is now the NHL: No Hitting League.

Every time I turn on a football game this year it seems like someone is getting flagged for a late hit, roughing the passer, or unnecessary roughness. With all these flags it’s like the Raiders are playing every game; we sure have come a long way from Deacon Jones terrorizing quarterbacks and Ronnie Lott crushing receivers coming across the middle.

Last Sunday night, Redskin’s safety Sean Taylor hit a receiver as he extended to catch a ball thrown down the sidelines. The ball went off the receiver’s hands as Taylor drove his shoulder pad into the receiver’s gut. Then the flag came.

If the receiver had caught the ball as Taylor cracked him, it would have been an amazing play and Taylor could have knocked the ball loose. But, because the receiver couldn’t find the handle, it’s a penalty for unnecessary roughness?

How many times has a defensive lineman stumbled into the backfield as the quarterback releases the ball, only to be flagged for roughing the passer, or the new “Carson Palmer” rule for coming in too low around the QB’s knees?

I know, I know, this is a quarterback league and the referees are under strict instruction to “protect the passer.” The NFL can’t sell jerseys for players on the injured reserve, but when the 15 yards changes the game, where do we draw the line? Do we put flags on the QB? How about we just count alligators? If at the end of the game you can recite the first and last name of the head referee, something needs to change. * * * Speaking of the NHL, the Anaheim Pond was about 1/3 full for the first Ducks exhibition game against the Kings last week.

Granted, hockey pre-season isn’t the sexiest of sporting events, but the amount of people at the Pond would have fit in a high school football stadium. What’s happened to hockey? Where is the interest that brought the entire community of Orange County to Anaheim to congratulate the Ducks after their playoff run a few years ago? I’ll tell you why it’s gone, because it was a few years ago.

Remember baseball in 1995? Yah, me neither because I still had a bad taste in my mouth after the ’94 strike. Hockey is experiencing the same thing.

More detrimental than that, however, is the fact that ESPN has ceased its NHL game coverage, passing it off to the obscure Outdoor Living Network. Most fair-weather hockey fans would tune into a game if it were on before Sportcenter, but are you going to search the channels for the Buffalo Sabers game at 4 p.m. on a Thursday?

Most of all, the NHL needs to fill its seats, even if that means driving down ticket prices. If you’ve been to a professional hockey game, you agree with me when I say the excitement does not transfer well through the T.V. Live hockey is one of the most electrifying environments I’ve been privy to, and I think that if more sports fans attended hockey games they would walk out hockey fans. * * * With all this anti-Dodger sentiment on the page, I’m hoping for some positive PLAYOFF karma. GO BLUE!!!

Questions? Comments?

JJ Fiddler can be reached at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

25 September 2006

[Sports]

Women’s Golf

Junior Kay Hoey won the individual title at the Ptarmigan Ram Fall Classic by shooting a seven-under 209 (67-74-68).

Hoey shot a four-under 68 in Tuesday’s second round to claim the tournament title by five strokes over her nearest competitor. As a team, the 49ers finished in eighth place with a three-round score of 898.

Hoey set numerous 49er records on the day with her winning performance. Her three-round score of 209 broke her previous school-record low of 216 which she had accomplished three times previously. Her 67 in Monday’s opening round was a new low individual record, breaking her mark of 68 which set last spring at the Fresno State Spring Invitational.

“I was extremely proud of the way Kay played today,” said 49er Head Coach Sue Ewart. “Yesterday we had to sit through two weather delays and that kind of threw everybody off.

Our scores weren’t great in the second round. But last night at dinner when Kay looked at where she was after Monday’s play, seeing the look on her face, I knew she would come out and have a great day on Tuesday. Overall I was pleased with everybody’s performance on Tuesday.”

Also for the 49ers, junior Katy Barrett tied for 40th place overall with a 229 (77-79-73), Senior Beth Holtermann tied for 46th with a 230 (77-76-77), sophomore Josefine Lindbergh finished 51st at 232 (76-80-76) and junior Kira Murashige tied for 52nd at 234 (75-82-77).

Men’s Water Polo

Number one ranked USC improved to 7-0 on the young season (1-0 in the MPSF) with a 12-7 win over Long Beach State (1-4/0-1 MPSF) on Saturday afternoon at the 49er Campus Pool. Senior Kevin Bradley and junior Nick Korsgaden tallied twice each for the 49ers.

The 49ers battled the Trojans almost evenly in the first half, leading 5-4 before USC tallied two goals in the final 1:36 of the second quarter to take a 6-5 lead. Trailing 4-2, the 49ers scored three goals in just over two minutes to take the lead. Korsgaden scored his second goal of the day at 4:25 to pull the 49ers to within 4-3. Bradley tied the game at 4-4 at 2:58 and then Senior Jay Gerardi gave the 49ers the advantage with a goal at 2:06.

“Depth is an issue for us right now,” said 49er Head Coach Gavin Arroyo. “I only played eight or nine guys today. The

Men’s Basketball

Provided by LongBeachState.com mistakes we made in the second half, we didn’t make in the first. This is a game of momentum shifts. The team that can survive the counter-attacks, controls the game. I thought we controlled the first half.”

The 49ers will next be in action on Saturday, September 30 when they host UC San Diego at 3 pm and Pomona-Pitzer at 6 pm at the 49er Campus Pool.

Cross Country

Distance runner Meredith Kramon was named the Big West Conference’s athlete of the week following her personal-best 18:01 at San Diego State’s Aztec Invitational last Saturday.

Kramon enters just her third year in the sport after converting from an all-league prep soccer player in 2004, and now has top-10 marks in both distances. She ranks seventh all-time in the 5K following Saturday’s performance and leads the pack compared to other 49er distance runners all-time in the 6K with a mark of 21:13.9.

Last year Kramon was named All-Big West last year, one of two 49ers who earned all-conference who return for their senior seasons. The Beach are off this Saturday, before heading to the Stanford Invitational next weekend.

Long Beach State senior guard Aaron Nixon will be out of action an estimated 4-6 weeks due to a broken jaw. Nixon suffered the injury running into a screen during a pick-up game on Monday afternoon on the 49er campus.

“It is very unfortunate that Aaron has to go through this,” said 49er Head Coach Larry Reynolds. “We took him to the hospital after the accident and the doctors wired his jaw shut late that evening. He will have another visit with the doctors early next week to get a further prognosis.”

Nixon was the 49er’s leading scorer last season at 14.7 points per game and was named to the All-Tournament Team at the 2006 Big West Tournament, where he averaged 25.3 points per outing in leading the 49ers to the championship game.

Collegiate basketball teams may begin official practices on Friday, October 13. The 49ers begin their 2006-07 season on November 4 when they host Chapman in an exhibition game at 7 pm in the Walter Pyramid.

Women’s Soccer

Eastern Washington snapped No. 21-ranked Long Beach State’s (7-2-0 through Saturday) four-match winning streak with a fluke goal in the 58th minute, lifting the Eagles to a 2-1 victory on Friday.

Down 0-1, The Beach tied it up in the second half as Sophomore Midfielder Dana Farquhar was the benefactor of a loose ball in the box, 38 seconds into the second half, tying the game 1-1 at 45:38.

E. Washington scored the go-ahead goal at 57:34 after 49er goalkeeper Liz Ramos swung and missed at the ball on a clear, allowing Mott to score on an empty net. The 49ers outshoot the Eagles 13-to-5 over the final 45 minutes, but were unable to tally the equalizer.

Junior forward Kristin Childers apparently tied the match in the 83rd minute, as her shot went off the bottom of the cross bar and might have touched the netting, but was ruled out by the linesman. The ‘Niners had other chances. Sophomore Midfielder Hayley Bolt direct kick in the 61st minute and Sophomore Midfielder Kim Silos’ shot following an indirect kick in the 88th minute were both denied by E. Washington.

The Women return home on Friday at 3 p.m. against Pacific to open Big West play. Be there to root on your ‘Niners as they start their run at the Conference Title.

w w w. c s u l b s t u d e n t u n i o n . c o m

ASI STREETTEAM

on”

cti nne

Co t n de

u

St r u “Yo

ASSOCIATED STUDENTS, INC.

tuesday september 26th

ASI Street Team

“Your Student Connection” 5-7p.m.

Parkside Dorms Find out about campus events and get free give-aways

25 September 2006

wednesday september 27th

thursday september 28th

Scientific Lifestyle

Dress for Success Workshop

Noontime Concert 12p.m.

USU Southwest Terrace

with Career Development Center 12-1:30p.m.

USU Room 224

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

monday October 2nd

Employee of the Month

Advance Screening 7-10p.m.

USU Beach Auditorium TICKETS available in Program Council Office (USU 107J)

7

Album MEGA-Preview

Monday25 DMX: House of Blues, Anaheim $34, 7pm DJ Shadow: Avalon $28, 9pm Sea Wolf: Spaceland $Free, 7pm Somitra: Temple Bar $5, 830pm Crash Davis: Temple Bar $Free, 11pm

Tuesday26 TV On the Radio: Glass House $15, 730pm Snow Patrol: Wiltern LG $25, 8pm (and Wednesday) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Hollywood Bowl $40+, 7pm Necro & Friends: Henry Fonda $23, 9pm

Wednesday27 Captin Ahab: The Smell $5, 9pm John Mayer & Sheryl Crow: Verizon Wireless $30, 7pm The Dreaming: Whisky $12 7pm Ghost: The Gig $10, 1030pm Amalagtron: The Baked Potato $10, 930pm

Thursday28 Wolfmother: Hollywood Palladium $23, 7pm Scissor Sisters: Shrine Expo $35, 8pm Sonic Youth: Wiltern LG $25, 9pm Eliane Ellias: Knitting Factory $30 10pm Grizzly Bear: Spaceland $8, 9pm M. Ward: Henry Fonda $18, 9pm Los Angeles Philharmonic: Disney Concert Hall $1,500, 7pm

Friday29 Starsailor: Troubador $20, 8pm Good Charlotte: Venture Theatre $20, 8pm Guster: Wiltern LG $28, 8pm Jon Brion: Largo $25+, 8pm (Every Friday) Mojave 3: Roxy $20, 8pm Peony Pavillion: UCLA $30, 8pm Pepe Aguilar: Gibson $65, 815pm

Opening with a drummer lead in of “one/two/you know what to do,” Beck jumps right into a sonic sea filled with fifteen extraordinary tracks.

Beck is a product of his eclectic Los Angeles surroundings, as is his music--a huge melting of ethnic blends incorporating hip hop, funk, trance, Latin and Middle Eastern flavor. He seems to draw from a kaleidoscope of influences from everything that surrounds him. On “Cell Phone’s Dead” and “Horrible Fanfare/Landslide/Exoskeleton” he pays homage to the prolific French virtuoso, Serge Gainsbourg, by taking direct samples from two of Gainsbourg’s songs. Many baselines appear to be heavily influenced by Air (whom Beck has previously worked with on the album “10,000 Hz Legend”), but the album is unique. Elements of this album are far more diverse than the folkish Sea Change, but many of the tracks incorporate a

prominent heavy bass line and lyrics not dissimilar to those on his previous release, Midnight Vultures.

There are blatant themes in lyrics throughout the album, some of which seem to reference Beck’s religion, Scientology. Lyrics like “We’re in spaceships/take a visit to the Pyrenees,” in the song “No Complaints,” or “Corrupted files from galactical planets/They act like earth was terrestrial prison” on “1000 BPM” may point to his faith in the almighty Xenu.

Although Beck’s latest album, The Information, may not be his Abbey Road, but it incorporates all of the explosive creative vision he uses on each of his albums. The Information is by far Beck’s longest, and took the longest to make, clocking in at three full years. Produced by Nigel Goodrich (Ok Computer, Kid A, as well as two of Beck’s albums, Sea Change and Mutations), this album encompasses the sound that is unique to Beck’s diverse style.

Closing the album is the eerie ten minute track Horrible/Fanfare/Landslide/Exoskeleton. It is by far the most experimental and exploratory song on the album, as well as a personal favorite. If this is what Scientology sounds like, maybe it’s time to sign up.

-By Jenny Long

Decemberists change their leaves.

Saturday30 We Are Scientists: Henry Fonda $18, 9pm Colin Hay: Largo $25+, 8pm Peter Frampton: Wiltern LG $38+, 8pm Lily Tomlin: Cal State Northridge $60, 8pm Godsmack & Rob Zombie: Irvine Meadows $25+, 7pm Flogging Molly: UCI $24, 7pm DJ Krush: Kniting Factory $18, 830pm

Sunday 1 Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Hollywood Palladium $33, 730pm The Silence: Knitting Factory $10, 645pm Elvis: Flamingo $43+, 10pm The Rat Pack: Stardust $98, 930pm Lion Fever: The Echo $5, 10pm Lebanon: The Smell $5, 9pm Chocolate Sundaes w/ Chris Spencer: Laugh Factory, $7, 8pm

Want to see your favorite band / comedian / DJ / taco featured here?

Send the information to matt@lbunion.com and we’ll think about it... maybe.

8

Beck returns... to get informative.

On October 3rd, indie rock darlings The Decemberists are releasing The Crane Wife, their first fulllength album since 2005’s Picaresque. Fans are awaiting the album with anticipation, and some trepidation, too, as it’s their first major label release after signing with Capitol late last year. The Decemberists have always been a radio friendly group, if not a radio-present one; for every lengthy pirate anthem like “The Mariner’s Revenge Song,” there’s a hit single waiting to happen, like “July! July!” The Crane Wife does, in fact, sound like a more mainstream release, but loyalists need not fear: the evolution of their sound does not seem to spell any compromise in quality.

And to any fan too worried that the band would lose their particular weirdness, allow me to direct your attention to track two of the disc, sandwiched between two catchy, beautiful songs. It’s called “The Island/Come and See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Hear the Drowning”; it’s twelve minutes long, and, from its Pink Floyd-esque lengthy instrumental opening to its hauntingly creepy end, it’s the antithesis of everything conformist about mainstream music. In fact, the only real flaw with the disc is that it may be too experimental in places, primarily the aforementioned track, which is guaranteed to disrupt the flow of the album unless you’re giving it a close listen. If you’re

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

using it as background music, say while laying out a newspaper, it’s distracting, and almost confusing.

Even that uneven song is redeemed by the album’s greatest strength: the excellent songwriting and unique characters that people the whole of The Decemberists work. There’s “Yankee Bayonet,” sung by a dead Civil War soldier and his wife; there’s “O Valencia,” a Romeo and Juliet-esque tale of two lovers and a violent, interfering family; and then there’s “When the War Came,” the most surprising, and best song on the album. Starting with a hard guitar riff, something I can’t recall ever hearing from The Decemberists, it’s the ultimate protest song, one you barely even realize is a protest song. “Yankee Bayonet” also features Laura Veirs, the creepy voice from “Mariner’s Revenge Song,” getting to do some lead vocal work along with Meloy.

There are also some nice intellectual pieces that Literature majors will enjoy (Why is the first song called “The Crane Wife 3” while we don’t get “The Crane Wife 1 and 2” until track nine?), and still plenty of piratey instrumentation for the oldtime fans, as well as “Shankhill Butchers,” a creepy boogeyman story with a plodding rhythm in the vein of “A Cautionary Song.” The Crane Wife strikes a delicate and difficult balance, one particularly hard to find with a band’s first major label release; it contains enough of their usual sound to please long-time fans, contains enough new sounds to please listeners who want to see them move forward, and is well-enough put together to pull in new listeners. Plus, it’s a damn good album. So, you know, buy it.

-By Mike Guardabascio

25 September 2006

Lost Prophets

Jason Collett

Torment Records

Arts & Crafts

Liberation Transmission Reviewed By Dylan Little

Don’t let the name fool you, Lost Prophets’ newest album, Liberation Transmission, is lacking in anything resembling political rebellion, feeling or artistry.

The absence of sincerity comes from the lyrics and vocals. None of the songs have any specificity to them. It just sounds fake, like some creepy guy making up a sad story to convince a girl to mercy-fuck him. And the singing just reinforces how contrived and desperate the lyrics are.

They just don’t sound like they believe it, and if they can’t believe their own song, how will anyone else?

Usually a pop group can overcome their lack of songwriting prowess by at least writing a catchy melody, but Lost Prophets can’t even do that correctly. Every single song sounds like the same three overdriven power chords played in nearly the same order at nearly the same tempo.

And like the guitar, the rest of the instruments fail to impress—the drums and bass are the same as every other “hardcore” band.

Reviewed By Annalisa Brizuela

Alternative rockers, come and sing along. Hardcore rockers, stay home, you won’t want to listen to this. With his smooth beat and slightly happy lyrics, Jason Collett makes you wonder why you didn’t keep your bag of Canadian super grass. His clever lyrics make you want to sing along—even if you do look like an idiot.

With his Death Cab for Cutie-ish sound, Jason Collett’s lyrics make your feelings contradict one another. If you ever find yourself driving down PCH, I suggest that you pop this into your CD player while smoking a bowl. His strong and soothing voice makes you want to keep coming back for more.

The only thing I disagree with is track 4, where the introduction sounds a little bit too much like a nonthreatening acoustic version of The Smashing Pumpkins song, “Disarm”. In spite of that flaw, I highly suggest you go buy this album, without delay.

Sandi Thom

Greg Laswell

Smile... It Confuses People

Through Toledo

Sony Records

Vanguard Records

Reviewed By Eric Bryan

Reviewed By Katy Thomas

Imagine a perfect mix of the Beatles in their prime, Nick Cave, and Bob Dylan. If he was better. Now, imagine the antithesis of that. This is Sandi Thom’s Smile... It Confuses People.

To say this music is terrible is like saying Hitler was disagreeable. There’s so much bad that it’s almost unfair to take potshots at any one thing. The music is utter drivel, based on the same boring chord progressions that Sheryl Crow and Alanis Morrisette were abusing in the mid-90’s, but set to a modern R&B backdrop and doused liberally with suck. The lyrics are repetitive and pre-pubescent in nature, as exemplified perfectly with the shining star that is “Little Remedy”: Now you’ve only got a moment boy, to get it right, to get it right, to get it right, to get it right.

Why someone with this kind of intelligence would have relationship issues is a topic i’m sure our scholars will be debating about for years to come. Oh well, she’s always got the next album to get it right. To get it right. To get it right. To get it right.

You can’t fault the effortless beauty of Through Toledo.

From the outset, Greg Laswell’s brand of mesmerizing vocals carries through opening tracks, “Sing, Theresa Says” and “Amazed.” It’s even more likeable when you read that Laswell played all but a few instruments on the album himself. Comparable to the poetic beauty and seeming innocence of a Ben Kweller lyric, with undertones of Beck, this is a sound that has the potential to drift into the murky water surrounding all the Jack Johnson’s and Donavon Frankenreiter’s, but with Through Toledo Laswell showcases a relaxing but intense sound.

On a whole the mood of Through Toledo is much like Soulwax and in places also lends itself to a “Black Hole Sun” era Soundgarden, especially on down tempo “I’m Hit” which on a second listen drew insane comparison to Chris Cornell. As a singer-songwriter-musician, Greg Laswell has managed to steer clear of the vast number of his kinsmen who just roll out the same old sound, and with Through Toledo proves his true talent in music and production.

Cities

Bound Stems

Self-Titled

Smile... It Confuses People

Yep-Roc Records

Records

Reviewed By Brian J. Dunning

Reviewed By Michael Mermelstein

The self-titled debut from North Carolina’s Cities finds the group lost in the shuffle of other similar bands in an increasingly overcrowded style of rock. Influenced by The Bends-era Radiohead, and popularized by bands like Interpol, a new breed of rock has emerged characterized by clean guitars, tight drumming, and a melodious male lead singer.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but with such a simple style, it takes quite a bit of talent to really burst out of the pack and stand out. Unfortunately, Cities isn’t able to do this, and it takes a few forced listens to actually begin to appreciate the album. But even then, not one single track stands out above the rest. It’s extremely unfortunate that there are so many other bands doing the same type of music so much better, because otherwise, Cities’ debut would be a solid album.

25 September 2006

Idols Of Exile

This Chicago quintet manages to tap into the current musical climate and come out with a fantastic CD, having a sound that combines the sort of jangling fun of folk with indie rock reminiscent of Modest Mouse and Trail of Dead. The album starts with a 30-second intro that leads right into the next track, a perfect album starter called “Andover” where the singer’s lyrics and quiet-loud dynamics roll right over a complicated drum beat and bouncing keys and guitar chords, creating a whir of sound that is familiar yet distinct.

These 5 artists work through stabs at country and folk, coated heavily with electric jams and varied time signatures. “55 Cross,” the albums closer, is the real winner hear, starting out with a simple strum-and-drum with soft vocals and grows to an epic crescendo. The point is, this album is the real deal.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

-By Matt Dupree

HITS Bad Brains The masters of reggae-punk have finally reformed and will play two shows at also-legendary punk club CBGB. All of the original members have been confirmed to play what will surely be punk’s most important event this year.

Keane You might think that a cancelled tour would go in the “misses” category, but get this: castratoesque frontman Tom Chaplin is going to rehab for drugs and alcohol. Welcome to the business, Tom.

MISSES Weezer The nerd-rockers dust off their ironic solidgold guitars one more time, denying rumors and a quote from singer Rivers Cuomo that they were “done.” This is certain to bring disappointment to long-time Weezer fans, who will now have another album to not be a fan of.

Arab Strap Unlike the sexual device that is their namesake, Arab Strap can no longer keep it up. The band announced their split at the same time they announced a new career retrospective and farewell tour. What a perfect coincidence!

Hawthorne Heights The cry-kings have been countersued by their former label, Victory, after they pursued a claim for “fraudulent accounting” and “illegal schemes.”

Victory claims that this is an attempt to get out of their recording contract, which requires the band to make two more albums with Victory. Apparently, selling out may sometimes also require suing out.

UP IN THE AIR André 3000 André 3000 has announced that he will star in a cartoon called “Class of 3000” about a celebrity teaching in an art-centric Atlanta high school. Assuming that it retains Mr. Benjamin’s trademark style, it should be bafflingly cool.

The Book of Exodus Some might question the point of an album that’s all about the seven biblical plagues. Others might be surprised to hear that Sufjan Stevens is nowhere on it. Plague Songs features Rufus Wainwright, Brian Eno, Imogen Heap, and most importantly, a song about boils.

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AFRO-PUNK : The Cinematic Adventure Begins

A

fro-punk, on the surface, is a documentary about how African-Americans fit into the punk rock/hardcore music scene in America.

But in reality, it’s not about the scene, or the even music for the most part—it’s the journey of how each individual black person got there, is getting there, or is going away from there.

Along with various people who do sidebars, it focuses on four individuals, each of them characters in their own right, and shows, through their own words and music, how each of them play their own unique role in their scenes. The main players in the movie are Moe Mitchell (contrasting black pride man/punk rock band member), Tamar Kali Brown (a female believing that integrating the scene could really change things), Mariko Jones (black punker—or a teenage whitewashed, suburban, and trend-following casualty?), and Matt Davis (a believer that black and white can truly mix in the scene, traveling the country with his white band members to find that place).

The basics of the film are this: each person is proudly black. Each person is proudly punk. But how do they mix? It’s a confusing mix, and it seems, they do mix in some ways.

The consensus seems to be that because punk is alienated from society, and that many of these black people felt alienated from society, they assumed when they decided to go punk, that they would fit right in.

But then comes the hard part: though that seems like good reasoning on paper, why doesn’t it work sometimes? The consensus, again, is that the punk scene is stark white. Not necessarily racist in nature, but unaware of these other cultures in the “outside” world.

When white (punk rock) and black (African-American culture) try to mix, it seems that some in the movie encounter a dilemma: it’s like mixing oil and water, one is going to float to the top, and one is going to sink to the bottom, revealing the true agenda of a person.

While some believe that the two can mix thoroughly, the selection of interview segments used seems to make one thing clear: at the end of the day, the two don’t mix completely, and are unlikely to ever do so. But what makes the film a treasure is the way each individual creates and maintains their own reality, where white and black mix in perfect harmony in their own world. But rather than creating a gray area, it creates something more akin to a black and white pinstripe pattern, where from a distance, it looks gray, but upon closer inspection, it is simply two alternating colors—two alternating and linked realities.

hand Penned by the

man of Marcus Bock

I felt like I was stuck in the video game “Space Invaders” in the aptly named “Space Dancehall” by the Eternals. “Winter 01” by Building Better Bombs simply made me think this: “You can yell, and slam on the drums all you want—I don’t care!” The Afro Punk, Vol 1 disc doesn’t have a lot going for it. I had high hopes. A CD dedicated to African-Americans producing music in a white-bread genre sounded good to me. Unfortunately, a lot of the disc is dedicated to songs with hardcore-growling and yelling (like “Protoculture (Sankofa)” by CIpher), or never ending repetition in choruses (a la “A Murder in the Shadow Cabinet,” by Cutlery). However, check out the last track if you get a chance—it’s not punk, but there’s something magical about Kimya Dawson’s sing-song tone that bounces along like a children’s folk song while singing such odd, darkly-hilarious lyrics.

III esq.

Afro-Punk Vol. 1

Various Artists

Image Entertainment Reviewed By Marcus Bockman

TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW! $25 for the Event on Oct. 13, 14, 20 & 31 $35 for the Event on Oct. 21, 27 & 28 Buy your tickets at the Information Desk (562) 985-4834 This event may be too intense for young children. Sorry, no costumes allowed. ©2006 Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved. 06-LOC-4634

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

25 September 2006

your high school girlfriend. The Black Keys last album, Chulahoma, is an EP tribute to the late Junior Kimbrough, a legendary and sexually prolific delta blues guitarist, while their first album, The Big Come Up, has a range running from down home Texas blues, to hip-hop, incorporating samples and just a pinch of break beats.

The pack at the Avalon was abuzz when the modest silhouette of Auerbach graced the stage, followed by the imposing Carney. They took their places, the lights came up, and a scream tore through the gathering. The knobs were turned to ten on Auerbach’s triple-humbucker. white Gibson SG, whammy bar and bottleneck in tow. A buzz of feedback filled the room punctuated by shouts, Auerbach meandered around a blues scale, and then laid down a fat riff. It was “Modern Times” off the new album, and off we went.

Even the typically jaded Hollywood audience disregarded reservation, and took to dancing, pouring affection onto the stage. The Keys are inseparable in terms of rhythm, not just two musicians, but rather a two-headed blues monster. It’s so rare to find a band that sounds as good on stage as on the album, but the Keys’ accuracy and passion are really a testament to the level of their musician-and-showmanship. They sound better.

They ended the set with “Have Love Will Travel,” a slightly retooled classic that slams it’s foot down on the gas pedal, redlining the audience; the perfect song to end with. A showstopper, if you will. Probably at the behest of the venue management, they came back for a double encore. I got the impression that if they had not, the crowd would have torn the place down.

I liked it so much that I bought tickets for their show the following Saturday. In Arizona. Girls were throwing panties onto the stage. I’m serious.

So with that, I must say, I get the feeling that my days of knowing something that most do not are numbered, and for that I am bittersweet. But I am able to take comfort when MTV is on, knowing that rock and roll is not dead; it’s just in Akron.

id you ever have that little band that you absolutely worshiped? That little band that was all your own, and you quietly scoffed at everyone else for not being hip to the greatest band on the planet? Did you then wake up one morning and find that your little band was being featured on MySpace? Aww shit.

Over the last few years i’ve enjoyed a very intimate relationship with Akron, Ohio’s favorite sons, the Black Keys – their recordings anyway – after being introduced to them by a very close friend. If you are one of the unenlightened individuals, one of the fools who think that rock and roll is dead due to its absence from MTV, then I refer you to the article at the bottom of the page concerning the Black Keys’ newest album. I’ve heard the fall of the early 2000’s garage rock, and I’ve heard the rise of the emo-punk bullshit that is currently in the process of filling our lungs with sticky sweet gelatin. There has been no other music that has graced my ears with the sublime sensation, the moving, inexplicable salve of the Black Keys.

The bringers of soul, the purveyors of love won and lost, the Black Keys, are Dan Auerbach on guitar, and Patrick Carney on drums. They are the band, the great hope – the best band playing today.

The attention being paid to the Keys has been growing slowly over the last few years but not as quickly as one might expect, especially with glowing reviews in Rolling Stone, the stamp of approval from Robert Plant himself, and a recent run of songs accompanying Victoria’s Secret commercials.

But there seems to be an excitement present in the audiences of their shows; that feeling that everybody there knows something that everyone else doesn’t.

I caught the Black Keys performance at the Avalon in Hollywood last Saturday, and I hope that you were there, because you would have loved it. I bought tickets for this show back in July I think, and had been counting the days from the time I clicked, PLACE ORDER. Auerbach sings with unparalleled soul, and reminds us, fondly, of a time when music wasn’t about being dumped by

WORDS & PICTURES BY CONOR IZZETT

Album Review: Magic Potion T

heir fifth album, this is the most ambitious. There is a certain measure of creepy, sold your soul kind of feel, because, how the hell else could Dan Auerbach play guitar like that? In what seems to be a pattern for the Keys, there really isn’t a weak link on this raucous, exposed blues/rock album.

Auerbach’s slide work is featured a lot more, a technique not only very hard to master, but rarely used in popular music. It’s a nice bow on a beautiful gift. Each song leaves the listener with the feeling of exquisite sadness in this old-soul blues

25 September 2006

album, and at the same time, amped at the timeless feel of feedback-grown, distortion-fed, down home blues.

“You’re the One,” which evokes a mother’s love, gently rocks you to blissful sleep, then follows up with “A Little Heat,” which evokes being woken up by a strange and beautiful woman who lures you into the night for God knows what. “Strange Desire” seems like the flagship song on the album: “I don’t wanna go to hell, but if I do, it’ll be because of you.” Gladly.

This album is beautifully simplistic, and masterfully self-produced. Keep ‘em coming guys.

The Black Keys Magic Potion Nonesuch Reviewed By Conor Izzett

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

11

Medical Dramas Plague TV Delirium

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates

A Review of Cirque du Soleil

The Dead Zone

By Laura Sardisco

Special Edition DVD

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he lights dim. Out of the darkness a purple glow pulses over the crowd, and from beneath the runway-like stage a billow of smoke escapes. Inside crouches a young woman in a backless red dress.

As she stands her voice rises in song. This is Nitza, who opened the show with a short set of her original pieces, followed by a twenty-minute intermission. Essentially this all seemed somewhat unnecessary, it felt like the warm-up act to a pop concert.

“Life begins and ends as a question with no answer.”

This was one of the first spoken lines in the piece, yet the one that stands out the most, fundamentally summing up the trough line of the piece. The show is a far edgier, more urban performance than what we are familiar with from the Cirque collection. The plot of what is basically one man’s dream, his lost soul floating in air, looking for human contact, while an ominous man on stilts deals with the shallow pulse of the world below.

Themes of trust and fearlessness run rampant throughout the piece. Trust in yourself and trust in your partner was preeminent not only in the soul’s search for contact but strongly required of the performers on stage and especially in the air, when one acrobat depended upon another to hold them while winding through the air forty feet above the stage. On top of this, there was a necessity among the performers to have the fearlessness to attempt the task at hand, knowing that any slip could potentially end their careers.

Starring: Christopher Walken, Brooke Adams, Martin Sheen Director: David Cronenberg

At several points throughout the show there were times when the focal point was lost. There was too much to look at, leaving the audience’s eyes switching between fantastic projection screens, beautiful aerobatic choreography, and the action on the stage.

There were also many moments that would have been aided by pausing to let everyone take a breath of fresh air and absorb what they were being presented with. Everything seemed to happen right after another, at times running into and over one another, barely giving anyone a chance to really see what was happening.

Yes, this is intended to be a fast-paced show, but there can be a fast pace that doesn’t truncate key moments of the work.

In all, what stays with me the most is a line towards the end of the performance: “We step forward with both feet firmly on the ground looking towards the stars.” If nothing else, take this for what you will. Mull it over and let it settle in your subconscious.

Delirium played in Los Angeles on September 15, 16, 17th and returns to the Staples Center on September 27 running through the 29th, all shows are at 8pm. Tickets range from $69.50 to $125.00.

Barely Legal

A Review of the Banksy Art Exhibit After tagging scores of public property, including the Palestinian side of the Israeli West Bank wall, Banksy’s three-day “Barely Legal” warehouse exhibit in a run-down Los Angeles neighborhood seems tame in comparison.

London-based artist Banksy, whose identity remains unknown, is notorious for his graffiti work in guarded and often dangerous sites. He has managed to tack his works along the likes of Van Gogh at the MoMA in New York and Da Vinci at the Louvre in France, and more recently installed a life-size figure of a Guantanamo Bay detainee in the midst of a Disneyland ride.

The location of his exhibit, held in a stiflingly hot warehouse, was announced just hours before a media preview and opened to the public Friday, Sep. 15.

On display were reproductions of many of his most infamous pieces, which commonly contain messages of exploitation and scathing criticisms of society’s passive attitude toward global issues.

One room played footage of some of Banksy’s more popular ventures caught on film and contained a glass case filled with copies of Banksy’s recent collaboration with DJ Danger Mouse: a doctored remix of Paris Hilton’s debut album, crawling with live Madagascan hissing cockroaches.

The main attraction, however, proved to be a 38-yearold elephant named Tai, who was covered entirely in nontoxic paint to match the wallpaper of an accompanying display of a living room. Flyers proclaimed the “elephant in the room” that people ignore, citing statistics on world poverty and destitution.

Banksy’s display, a rare occurrence, induced hordes of curious fans and critics alike the entire weekend, often with lines winding down the warehouse’s alley and creating an oppressive heat inside the venue itself.

The biting irony of admirers queuing up to buy prints with a nearby stencil of “free-thinkers” and “individuals” waiting to purchase a “Destroy Capitalism” shirt conveys Banksy’s own contradiction in his attempt to sell copies of his work.

As for the title, who knows? “Barely Legal” could hold a number of meanings. Perhaps he means this literally: he’s scraped by a permit for the elephant, actually held a space to display his work legally, but he’s been inundated by trouble despite his efforts.

Or maybe he only means himself; with several warrants out for his arrest, his ability to tag seemingly undetected is a cause for admiration. In either case, the glimpse into Banksy’s clamoring, explosively creative mind made for an unforgettable exhibit.

-By Christine Hodinh

Saturday Night 5-Second Delay!

Comedy in the US has been delivered in the form of news and satirical news lately. The light that once illuminated stand-up and sketch comedy seems to have faded away, and Saturday Night Live remains in the dark. As if from a sinking ship we have seen all of the greatest cast members jump into the sea of lucrative films and better deals, leaving the stage bare and nearly forgotten.

Only ten years ago everyone had SNL written on their calendars. In school, crowds would gather just to talk about the amazing skit they had seen over the weekend.

Today, we have traded up for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report for water cooler conversation.

Some responsibility for the downfall should be given to content restrictions; as the newly aired Studio 60 pointed out in its homage to Network, the regulatory filters have left

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only the stupidest, cleanliest, and politically correct drivel to be performed.

Perhaps it is time to pull the plug. When a dog is in pain, so near death, moaning on the kitchen floor, unable to walk or even lick its own genitals, we, having hearts and souls, consider a sympathetic intervention. Doesn’t SNL deserve the same pity?

The accomplishment of becoming a member of the team seems to have entirely lost its significance. Where once it meant you could be in a hot tub with Ferrell, it now forces you into a lackluster skit with All That’s Kenan. The sanctity of the show built by Murray, Belushi, and Radner has been all but ruined. The time to pull the plug on this dead legend has come.

-By Katie Wynne

At first glance, The Dead Zone might seem like a strange entry in director David Cronenberg’s career. For a man who made his mark in bizarre body-based horror films oozing to the brim with prosthetics and existentialist undertones, the story of a psychic (Christopher Walken) who receives visions of the future by touch, does seem a bit out of place. But beneath the surface, many of the same themes that have been touched upon in Cronenberg’s previous work, most notably Scanners, are on display here as well. And while this film’s use of the theme of “body in revolt” doesn’t require lumpy, glistening prosthetics, it is still there.

But beyond that, the main attraction is clearly Christopher Walken’s eerie performance as Johnny Smith, a man who awakens from a five-year coma with a horrible “gift.” Walken’s an amazing actor when he wants to be and it’s too bad that he doesn’t get more work doing horror or drama as opposed to comedies. At this point in his career, he’s just playing into the third-rate SNL jokes that were made by far lesser talents. Sure, it’s been fun for a while, but shit like The Dead Zone makes me wish that the guy would go back to the work that built his reputation in the first place.

This new “Special Collector’s Edition DVD” is stacked with interviews with Cronenberg, multiple documentaries on the film and the theatrical trailer. It’ll be available separately, or as part of a new Stephen King four-disc collection featuring a collector’s edition of Pet Sematary, as well as standard versions of Graveyard Shift and Silver Bullet.

This pack offers a plentiful dose of Walken, Busey, werewolf priests, giant subterranean rats, undead cats/kids and of course, a writhing, bed-ridden spinabifeda sister. Enjoy.

-By Miles Lemaire

DVD Releases: September 26th, 2006 The Adventures of Dick Tracy: Complete Animated Series Curious George (widescreen) (2006) The Dead Zone: Special Edition (1983) The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006) Lady Vengeance (Chinjeolhan geumjassi) (2005) The Lake House (2006) Imprint: Masters of Horror Mama’s Family: Season One (2-disc set) A Nightmare on Elm Street: infinifilm (2-disc) (1984) The Notorious Bettie Page (2005) Pet Sematary: Special Edition (1989) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2-Disc Ultimate Ed.) (1974) Thriller: Season One (4-disc set)

Retail Price

$39.98 $29.98 $14.99 $29.98 $22.95 $28.98 $16.98 $26.98 $26.98 $27.98 $14.99 $29.98 $79.95

The 26th looks to be a good day for any fan of horror movies. At the top of the stack of promising DVDs this week is the 2-disc release of A Nightmare on Elm Street, the story of a child molester by the name of Freddy Krueger, who is captured by the town’s parents and thrown into the furnace of a boiler room that also doubled as his workshop. The first disc contains the feature film, but the second disc’s special features are what make this DVD worth spending your cash, including a making-of documentary, a trivia challenge, and a featurette on how the movie saved the failing New Line Studios. Make sure to watch this while you’re laying down in bed, so you get the full effect of a serial killer who slashes people’s guts open in their sleep.

Backing up that 80’s classic is the equally horrific and brutally realistic film The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), now getting it’s own 2-disc DVD set as well. Setting this DVD apart from the $6 DVD already in stores are two audio commentaries along with deleted scenes, a blooper reel, a tour of the house used in the film with Gunnar Hansen, and a documentary called “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Shocking Truth,” all in a shiny steel package.

Unlike Nightmare you’ll want to get a nice chunk of meat to chew on while you’re watching the gritty on-screen massacre. Don’t worry though, the movie is not as gory as you think; there’s actually little to no bloodshed.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

-By Beef

25 September 2006

Reel News Open Season

PG Sony Pictures The revolution of the fur has begun. As Boog, a pampered home-raised grizzly, and Elliot, a misfit mule deer, wander through the woods trying to figure out how to fit in, they find themselves leading a revolution against the hunters who have stalked them. Animated animals run rampant across the silver screen, showing what it really looks like when animals attack.

The Black Dull-ia A Review of The Black Dahlia

By Carolynn Romana

A

s a fan of genre films like film noir and being someone who was just really excited about this film, the most difficult part of sitting in that dark theater Monday night was trying to toss aside the dreadful reviews everyone had given the film over the weekend. My struggle to resist what the critics had been saying all along dissolved in the first half hour. Real, fictionalized or anything in between, it really doesn’t matter––this flick should’ve been a shot in the bucket for everyone involved: director Brian De Palma (Carrie, Scarface), novelist James Ellroy, the greedy studios, even the moviegoers, who crave the gritty and smoky murder mystery that this film had all the potential to deliver.

A central letdown was the performances. Scarlett Johansson seems to have such a classic face and talent to boot, whether she’s ennui-laden in Ghost World or a complacent denizen of The Island. Yet she delivered possibly the flattest performance of her career. Casting Josh Hartnett, in and of itself, is simply inexcusable. How can anyone see him as something other than an Ashton Kutcher wannabe and the dreamboat who couldn’t hold his load in 40 Days and 40 Nights? To be balanced, a few minuscule roles that actually knew their place and purpose really did come through. Fiona Shaw (the mother) and Mia Kirshner (Elizabeth Short/Black Dahlia) provided tiny breathers

throughout the film, which was otherwise suffocating under the heaviness of awful performances.

Novelist Ellroy himself wrote a piece for the L.A. Times titled, “Love Letter for a ‘Dahlia’”, in which he thanks the film for giving life to his Dahlia when all he had was his word, his imagination, his obsession… or is he thanking Kirshner alone? Her honest doe-eyed Elizabeth Short, her “three incandescent minutes.”

Notably missing is praise for heartthrob Hartnett, sultry Scarlett or so-so Swank.

The cinematography alone brings this film down a full star. The fake sets were obvious; dirty in a clean way and never as gritty as they should’ve been. The lighting was blinding, especially for a film noir. Incessant smoking in a true film noir acts like flies at a picnic––it just belongs. In this film it seems everyone’s lighting up but there’s never enough smoke.

How can they not realize that any crazy story would’ve done perfectly well? The real life Black Dahlia case is completely unsolved; its Wikipedia page mentions no less than 3 dozen suspects. Despite the nostalgic website, the L.A. Times cross-promotion complete with actual archival Dahliarelated articles, and the endless potential

School for Scoundrels PG-13 Dimension Films

behind the enduring murder mystery of Elizabeth Short herself, this film chose instead to hand the show over to the detectives and their girlfriends. Could we possibly trade in the ‘boxing detective / looney father’ subplot for more of Elizabeth Short, the enduring, vulnerable flower of a Dahlia, sliced up and dumped?

My insight on this film’s fatal flaw is something I’ve fittingly saved for the end.

Maybe it’s an attempt to mimic the film where the actual mystery of the Dahlia (read: good parts) is saved for the last 10 minutes––or, dare I say––saved, by De Palma, for someone else’s film altogether.

The alluring, dripping lipstick movie poster proved not to be a teaser, but more like a bad promise––the movie isn’t about the Black Dahlia. In my research I’ve found that those intrigued by the Black Dahlia hardly need truth, but they do seek story. I left the theater feeling that even that story remained painfully untold. Betty sits still with her knees to her chest, her finger toying her nylons, half a tear in her eye.

From the creators of Old School comes a film about a group of losers who turn to an unorthodox doctor in hopes that he can help them turn their lives around. But when one student, Roger (Jon Heder), soars to the top of his class, the teacher (Billy Bob Thornton) gives him a brutal lesson in the school of life. At the end of his rope, the student becomes the teacher, gathering his classmates to educate the teacher in a lesson from the book of humiliation and pain.

The Guardian

PG-13 Touchstone Pictures Even the best couldn’t help this beast from drowning this weekend. Fallen star Kevin Costner and dud Ashton Kutcher star in this behemoth as two lifeguards that face the grueling tempest of the sea, following the motto, “So others may live.” In order to survive this flick, you must make the choice to leave.

pull up a stool with cynthia romanowski

Apengo If you have an hour break between classes, then do yourself a favor and try out Apengo’s lunch special for $5.95. Apengo, formally known as Sushi Land and Gapengo, is a delicious little sushi bar and grill right near the beginning of 2nd street in Belmont Shore. The lunch special is cheap and includes edamame, soup, salad, rice and your choice of two of the following items: chicken, beef or salmon teriyaki, pork or chicken cutlet, California roll, spicy tuna roll, Gyoza or mixed tempura. The lunch starts with edamame and warm salty miso soup with little pieces of tofu in it. Then the salad and entrée items are served together with steamed white rice. The salad has an orange ginger dressing that is tangy and is also served with tomatoes and cucumbers. My favorite items are the salmon teriyaki and spicy tuna roll. The salmon is a good size, probably a four to six ounce cut, and smothered with sweet teriyaki sauce; the spicy tuna roll is fresh and very spicy but not unbearable. Overall, the entire meal is the perfect price and perfect amount of food, as well as being low in calories, and fat, too. I of course suggest washing it all down with a nice Japanese beer; they have Sapporo, Asahi and Kirin, all just $3.50 each and only $6.00 for a large. It’s also a great place for dinner: they have tons of rolls and sashimi all fresh and reasonably priced. The service is always very good and quick and it’s never crowded so if you go for the lunch special you’ll definitely be able to get back to class on time.

5325 E. 2nd Street Long Beach 562-433-0221

25 September 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

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Black Hole

Written and Illustrated By Charles Burns Pantheon 352 pages Reviewed By Miles Lemaire

This Week: Instant Self Hypnosis This week I am reviewing a book called “Instant Self-Hypnosis” normally I wouldn’t give a book like this a second look - Well normally I wouldn’t give any book a second look, you know, because of all the words. - because I don’t believe in all that hoogely moogely. But this book is different because it claims that with Instant SelfHypnosis, I CAN HAVE GREAT SEX! SEX!!1!

If you’ve ever met me, you probably know how I feel about sex. But GREAT SEX is another story entirely. Apparently, all I have to do to have great sex is read this ‘induction script’ out loud, and then I’ll be hypnotized, and then my hypnotized shell of a body will turn the page to the GREAT SEX page and... uhmm ... something will happen, and I’ll have a DICKLOAD of GREAT SEX. Hooray!

Just as a disclaimer, I want to make it clear that I don’t think this is going to work at all. Unless some hot totties read this and totally want to do me. That’d be sweet. In Fact, Maybe I’ll just go ahead and hypnotize you, as long as your Hot, and a lady. OOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOOO YOUR GETTING SLEEPY.... SLEEEEEPY...

Sleeeepy.... sleepy. Now you want to make sex with a handsome man who doesn’t know how to read... read... read... sleeeeeepppp ppppppp pppppppppppppppp pppppppppp ppppppppppp pppppppppppppp - BWAHHH WHAT HAPPENED?! did we make sex? where am I? why is Pappa Roach on the radio?

It’s Banned Book Week As I’m sure you all know, Banned Books Week started last Friday, and lasts until this Friday, September 30th. The week is a celebration of great literature that barely made it into the hands of the public (and in this country, that covers nearly every great piece of literature ever produced). Go to the library or bookstore and pick up some of our country’s best works, and do whatever you can to keep great books from being banned in the future. For more information, just Google “Banned Books Week.”

Thanks from your ever-lovin Lit Editor.

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T

he biggest misconception regarding comic books and graphic novels, for those who haven’t picked up either since the mid-90s, is that the medium is aimed at children and shut-ins. And while the latter may be truer than the former, it’s by no fault of the fearless authors like Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, Grant Morrison, Frank Miller and now, Charles Burns, who have pushed the medium beyond the realm of spandex-clad super-heroes and into something unmistakably literary.

Black Hole is written and illustrated by underground comic artist, Charles Burns, most famous for his work in Art Spiegelman’s RAW magazine, as well as his cover illustrations for The Believer. His latest

graphic novel, which has been more than a decade in the making, tells the story of a small group of teenaged kids in 1970s Seattle who smoke pot, have sex and turn into hideous freaks. The “bug” is a sexually transmitted disease that’s spreading rapidly through the school, affecting each student in a unique way. One girl frequently sheds her skin, while the boy that passed the disease onto her has a tiny, talking mouth growing on his neck. Others are even more severely deformed and forced to camp in the woods on the outskirts of town.

This book is in no way for kids. Regardless of the copious nudity and drug use, most readers under the age of 18 won’t understand the subtext or nostalgia that Burns has injected into his story. Every summary I’ve read about this book, including the one that I’ve written above, gives off the impression that this book is a straight-up horror story. Hell, most reviews I’ve read talk about how scary this book is. Those reviews aren’t wrong, but the word “scary” is perhaps too vague to properly pin down the emotions that Burns dredges up. The horror in this book is the fear of growing up and moving

into a lifestyle that’s infinitely more complicated than your childhood prepares you for.

One minute, the kids in this book are worrying about their lab partner in biology class and the next they’re suffering the extreme physical and emotional effects of the “bug.”

It may not be the most subtle analogy for adolescence, but it’s an astoundingly effective one, particularly as depicted in Burn’s distinct artistic style.

I’ve been in love with Burns’ art ever since I read Big Baby (an incredibly different, but no less beautiful read) a few years ago. He fuses pop art with film noir and sets it all in the drug culture of the 70s. Even when the panels aren’t brimming with mutated teens, Burns creates a chilling atmosphere in his inks that should be oddly reminiscent for anyone who made it out of high school alive. His monsters, which were the part of the book that initially drew me in, are always grotesque, but drawn with a sympathy that hasn’t been seen since Karloff ’s Frankenstein.

Burns has created a strange and beautiful world with Black Hole, but I’m glad that I don’t have to live there.

The Song of the Dodo

By David Quammen Scribner 704 pages Reviewed By Shar Higa

As I flip open the cover of The Song of the Dodo, one of the most well-loved paperbacks in my collection, I see that I have carefully written in the upper right-hand corner of the flyleaf my name and the occasion of my purchase: “Christmas 2001.” I remember now that it was on a whim (and, ironically, on the merit of its gorgeous cover) that I chose to spend my Borders gift card on this rather than any of the others in the tall stack I’d been lugging around that night. But it’s the random chances that lead to big changes, right? And this book certainly revolutionized my way of thinking.

The Song of the Dodo is about evolution and extinction, specifically on islands and other isolated areas. It is also an overview of biogeography, the science concerned with

the relationship between a species of plant or animal and where it is on earth. David Quammen is an award-winning columnist for Outside magazine whose essays have spanned topics ranging from travel to obituaries to natural science. What he’s good at is making complicated ideas and topics as big as the biosphere make so much sense that you can incorporate them into conversations with friends much, much stupider than you are. You know who I mean. And The Song of the Dodo, weighing in at 700 pages with maps and blessedly few equations, is his masterpiece.

He starts off with a simple thought experiment that I ask you to engage in now: imagine a priceless carpet, intricately designed and finely woven. Now imagine scissing the carpet into a few dozen small pieces. No matter how carefully you cut and how perfectly equal the resulting squares are, you’ve lost your priceless carpet. What you’ve got are 36 perfectly square fragments, useless and slowly unraveling. Quammen spends the rest of the book explaining why life on earth is like that carpet: just as priceless, just as beautiful, and just as subject to unraveling when cut into pieces.

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And he does it in a completely unexpectedly delightful way. Woven with never-dense evolutionary theory and fascinating science history are threads of anecdotal travel journals. We travel with him as he searches for the all-but-mythological bird of paradise in Indonesia, the species that enchanted Alfred Russel Wallace, contemporary to Darwin who less-famously developed the theory of evolution by natural selection. Together, in a section that actually moved me to tears, we imagine the last moments of the last dodo. And he is hilarious, and his extremely intelligent prose borders on poetry.

I read this book the first time because of random chance and a highly-qualified graphic designer. I recommended it to a half-dozen friends and my AP Biology teacher because it brought evolution and extinction into very personal focus. I recommend it to you now because, in this atmosphere polluted by fear-mongering on one side of environmental policy and blatant and irresponsible disregard for the truth on the other, it’s easy to forget what we’re fighting for. In a book that is an absolute joy to ingest, David Quammen reminds us.

25 September 2006

You Can Make Some Money!

With The Third Semesterly Short Story Contest That’s right boys and girls, you can make money a-plenty!

This semester, the Union Weekly’s Lit Page is sponsoring the Third Semesterly Short Story contest! The rules are simple: Stories can be up to, but no longer than, 1,000 words.

Stories must be submitted by midnight on November 30th.

Send stories to CHIYEKO@UCLA.EDU; if you send stories to any other email address, they won’t be read.

Please include your name and phone number with your submission, to ensure that we can get your prize money to you.

That’s about it! The total prize money is as of yet undetermined, but probably in the neighborhood of $100 to be distributed among the top few stories. The contest is open to all writers, including Union staffers, and all submissions will be judged with

no names attached, to guarantee that I won’t play favorites.

The contest was a huge success last year, garnering dozens of submissions, many of them absolutely fantastic. Please, even if you’ve never written a story before, sit down and give it a try; I’d love to read your work, and you might end up making a hefty chunk of change (more than I get paid for sure).

Winners will also receive one additional prize, in that they’ll be illustrated by our top illustrators, who are currently turning out professional-level work at an almost alarming rate.

So don’t delay! Act today! Short story contest! And once more, just in case you missed it: get your stories to chiyeko@ucla.edu, by midnight on the last day of November, and make sure they’re no longer than 1,000 words. Thanks, and good luck!

Post Office

By Charles Bukowski Chronicle Books 224 pages Reviewed By Erin Hickey

I’ll be honest: the first time I read Post Office, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. A couple of years ago on the tail end of a horrible day, I swung by the bookstore, hoping to purchase something that would cheer me up. Ashamed that I had yet to read a novel by Charles Bukowski, though I had heard his name

dropped so frequently, I headed over to the fiction section to weigh my options.

I chose Post Office; weighing in at a little under 200 pages, it was the thinnest of his books, and I knew I could easily finish it that night. The purchase alone cheered me up–I whistled a little on my way home, and walked with a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

Post Office follows Bukowski’s semiautobiographical character, Henry Chinaski’s increasingly dismal career as a postal worker. Taking what he thought would be an easy job as a mail carrier, Chinaski sleepwalks through his route, thinking only of getting drunk and getting laid. Despite constant clashes with his an-

tagonistic supervisor, Chinaski is hardly a protagonist. Even as conditions at the post office worsen, it is near impossible to sympathize with Chinaski: womanizing, lazy, and perpetually drunk, he seems to have been born without a conscience. In fact, he manages to get through the entire novel without a single redeeming quality, and is just as despicable at its close as he was at its beginning.

With that said, Post Office is wonderfully written and I highly recommend that you read it. Just don’t expect to sympathize with any of the characters, don’t look for a moral, and make sure you’re happy to be alive when you start reading–you certainly won’t be when you’ve finished.

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

By Rachael Cohn & David Levithan Knopf Books 192 pages Reviewed By Ryan Kobane

I want to preface this review by saying I am a macho guy who likes guns, sports, 4x4 vehicles, and sometimes, on occasion, a mushy love story to balance out my chi.

With that said, here goes: Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist is written by two of the most well respected, youngadult authors in America. Rachel Cohn and David Levithan have both produced books

that have landed them on the ALA Top 10 Best Books for Young Adults list. Together, their voices create an unusual, but very refreshing outlook on modern love.

The novel starts off in a quintessential New York dive. Nick O’Leary is the heterosexual lead singer of a queercore band playing that night. After playing their set, Nick sees his ex-girlfriend walking into the show with a new guy, and in an effort to make her jealous, he asks the first girl he sees to be his “five minute girlfriend.” Norah Silverberg, a self-professed straightedge neurotic, quickly accepts the offer. And that’s how the night starts.

Each chapter alternates between the two main characters’ points of views, Levithan writing Nick’s, and Cohn writing Norah’s. It

would have been easy for them to create a cliché, he-said, she-said novel that ends up with two young people falling in love. Instead, what they created was an illuminating display of actual human emotion. You have absolutely no choice but to feel compassion for both of them. Nick has no idea how to love someone other then his ex, and Norah has never been treated well by any man she has ever dated; both situations are very real, and allow the reader to connect with both of them.

Written with late teens in mind, it’s not the most complex novel you will ever read, but that’s not what Cohn and Levithan had in mind. It’s a page-turner, providing a very real account of being a confused youth in America. And I loved it.

V For Vendetta

By Steve Moore Pocket Star 368 pages Reviewed By Jared Kenelm Collins So the Wachowski brothers produce this movie based on a comic series: Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta. Fine, make it accessible to the lovable masses and market it as pure entertainment. No problem there. Then Steve Moore (no relation) decided to write a novelization of the film. Yes, I’m reviewing the novelization of a movie based on a comic book series. Go figure.

Anyway, what the book does best is fully explain the history behind the plot in V for Vendetta, which the movie was technically

25 September 2006

incapable of doing without becoming another tortuously drawn-out trilogy. The main points–the ideas and agendas, conspiracy theories and government cronies–are all very well “novelized” into the book. And for all you visual learners out there like me who prefer your media clear, distilled, and crammed between the pages in vivid black and white? No more straining to hear those missed lines and mull over them later–now they’re in print!

Of course, despite my thin façade of spite and humor, I actually hold the story itself in high esteem. It has the best and worst of our world: justice and terror, freedom and oppression, beauty and ugliness, love and hatred. And when the dark plot’s violent continuity is illuminated by one fleeting pinprick of light, the poignancy is well

worth it. I even find myself overwhelmed by that feeling insidiously programmed in every American’s heart with an explosion of fireworks–especially when their creator represents the voice of freedom. Yet for me, fighter for change and lover of enlightenment, the most piercing moment is when Evey’s cruel interrogator asks her one final time to surrender her last bit of self, her integrity, and cave to his demands. To which she calmly replies, “Thank you, but I’d rather die behind the chemical sheds.”

The interrogator himself surrenders then, saying, “Then you have no fear any more. You’re completely free.” Of course, the profound implications of her freedom are summarily shattered by the fact that… Oh wait…I can’t tell you that part. Just read the damned book!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Must Present Coupon cannot combine with any other offer exp 9/30/06

15

[Creative Arts]

Cowled Sentinel

That small glowing orb, the moon Rises high, full in the starry sky Casting a silvery blue light upon the land While I corrupt such simple elegant innocence Only with long shadows of somber blackness As I wander through the biting midnight chill Of the silent forest, calm in its dark serenity But for the light snow crunching underfoot Rendered a surreal silvery blue from the heavens.

Merciful Dissolution The gaze of Sol is harsh, blinding, as it chases away the morning Wind shakes the tree again and hails me with seeds, that link that falls as bridge over potential and reality

Tall narrow pines dominate the sky As I ascend the hill toward the light atop it Where a small field allows the moon To send the ghosts of pine trees sprawling Like strong iron bars round the distinct periphery Keeping strangers from the snowcapped hilltop Where they’d regard the mysteries of Luna Attempting to unlock her deepest of secrets In the silvery blue realm of solemn night.

I catch the last to fall in two awaiting fingers, dissect it with my eyes, and quietly ask the universe a simple question: why?

It crumbles then, fades to dust, and the seed’s merciful dissolution falls into the sky Winds sweep away the seed’s thin ghost

A vine of thorns climbs a towering pine Through the snow at silent field’s edge Where the vine sways in the wind, reaching Ever closer toward the divine glowing orb To seek fulfillment with misguided thorns That strive for aggressive understanding Of those things above its windblown end Despite knowing full well its own futility That none could ever hope to truly know Just what drives those spiraling spheres.

to spell the answer in the stars Yet those close forgotten truths are lost again, kept hidden by such delusive skies of blue So as I look upon my open palms, I ask the question: why?

Unnoticed Sun rays flow through scattered leaves Laid in mosaic high above Where feathery branches alleviate The suffering of a thousand moons As the rushing waters tumbling down Drown the night in subtle darkness Where before the fates celestial Had held a more beneficent gaze Yet now the cold and shivering earth In glory and hypocrisy Is all we’ve left to learn to love Pleading to myths in desperation While the branches part more fluidly As the winds blow lightly over And the sun, our tyrant of the ages Casts beams of brilliance on the grass Unnoticed, unknown, and untamed

Illustration by Philip Vargas Poetry by Jared Kenelm Collins

16

So as I feel the piercing gaze of nocturnal eyes Burning an inquisitive hole into my skull I fall still on the path of my own creation And peer into the trees before me, searching Until my eyes find the quiet austere sentinel Resting upon the highest bough of a bone-white oak Its dark impenetrable silhouette fixed on my presence Like some deep-hooded executioner in silver moonlight Forsaking all with an intense stare from beneath the cowl That conceals its mysterious thoughts from the world.

The winged sentinel tips its high-domed head Shifting its predatory talons on the bare frozen branch As its huge glaring eyes penetrate my soul Searching the thoughts of this odd primate below That stands dumbly in the clearing of silvery blue Deaf to the fierce, raucous wolves in the distance That howl in vain to the pale pagan goddess Lying eternally imprisoned within the moon.

Now I watch as the cowled sentinel rises on silent wings Far above my head inclined in awed reverence To focus and follow its forceful yet graceful ascent While I cannot help but wonder of its power If this dark enigma could aid the too-weak innocent dove And bring a new peace, not in love or kindness Not in great selfless acts of beautiful benevolence But in fearful respect of those cold ominous forces That soar unfettered over distant lands of silvery blue.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

25 September 2006

[Comics] Life and Times By Lewis Grey

Tom By Andrew Wilson

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

kookoo.monsquad.com

Misheard Lyrics By Little Dylan

“Jesus was a giant whistle.”

-Tool

“Sober”

18- Word that can precede hygiene, tradition and agreement.

19- Blemish 21- Liveliness 23- Type of guard 25- Bedouin 26- Round bread roll 29- Romantic couple 31- Cedes

35- Black bird 36- Large cat 38- Monetary unit of Nigeria 39- Reside 41- Heals 43- Actual 44- Stable compartment 46- Nasal cavity 48- Obtain, slangily 49- Out, in bed

51- Monetary unit of Western Samoa 52- Printing widths 53- Festive occasion 55- Overdue 57- Light ax 61- Having the shape of a wedge 65- Enthusiastic vigor and liveliness 66- Greek island 68- Clotted blood 69- Bits of thread 70- Specific geographical places 71- Relaxation 72- Brine-cured salmon 73- Hindu mother goddess 74- Dog-powered snow vehicle Down 1- Thick slice 2- Fling 3- Not fooled by 4- Quizzes, trials 5- Having rickets 6- G-8 nation 7- Gull-like predatory bird 8- Unit of magnetic induction 9- Dress often worn by Hindu women 10- Land map

11- Supporter 14- Fatigued 15- Desist from 20- Voucher 22- First son of Adam and Eve 24- Old Ethiopian emperor 26- Light wood 27- Single things 28- Growing in snow 30- Worth 32- Feudal vassal 33- Draw off liquid gradually 34- Old sailors 37- Related to the kidneys 40- Graceful in form 42- Island in central Indonesia 45- Wife of Jacob 47- Fill to surfeit 50- Public square 54- Give merit 56- Boundaries 57- Narrate 58- Potpourri 59- Pertaining to the Isle of Man 60- Leg joint 62- Score 63- Gaelic language of Ireland or Scotland 64- Feat 67- 22nd letter of the Hebrew alphabet

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Across 1- Ammo 5- Corrosion 9- Mineral spring 12- Crescent-shaped figure 13- Slanted 15- Drop 16- Collective word for intellectual pursuits 17- Bring about

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

25 September 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

17

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

123 456 789 prizesudoku.com

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FRE E.

Play more Sudoku and

The Sudoku Source of

“LB Union”.

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com

Medium

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win prizes at:

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Daily Specials

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: Monday Night Football $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

Weekends: Football! Football! Football!

Saturdays: Your Home for Irish Football!

Sundays: NFL action all day long.

We’ve got every football game from College to NFL!

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 18

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

25 September 2006

VOLUME 59

WIZARD GANG BANG

ISSUE 5

Baby More Than Disappointed with New Parents

By The Nothing

GRUNION OVARIES

Windowless Van Owner Fed Up With Stereotype, Prude Boys

By The Sophomaniac

GRUNION LATE BLOOMER

Tustin, CA—Harold Balskin, the 42 year-old owner/operator of a windowless ’78 Dodge Ram van, has declared he is “sick and tired” of all the negative stereotypes surrounding windowless van-owning citizens. In a tirade launched on a fellow Yum Yum Donut customer, Balskin denounced such presumptions as the popular belief that drivers of windowless vans were sexual predators, and cited real life occurrences when young children had fled at his approach. “It’s bullshit!” concluded Balskin. “And frankly, it’s making it a lot harder to get laid.”

Later Balskin stationed himself out in front of the donut shop and downed several cups of coffee while he berated passers-by.

“You think it’s easy?” he rhetorically shouted.

“Well, it’s not! You have any idea what my candy bill looks like? And now here I am, drowning on janitor’s salary, unable to pay my gas bill because I have to drive around all day looking for naïve kids—all because we get bad rap.”

Balskin spoke to anyone who would listen, taking on a faraway look as he reminisced about the golden days of child abduction. “It used to be you could just go up to the first kid, offer him a lolly (we called’em lollys back then), and he was a 'jumpin’ for a humpin’.”

Harold’s expression turned sour as he shifted his tale of woe toward today’s generation.

“Today you have these kids who simply refuse to put out. They just take your candy and run before you can snatch them up, and damn it, I’m fed up with it!"

Harold shifted his attention to the hard work he had put in to customizing his van, and grieved over its recent disuse. “I spent over 60 bucks putting in zebra interior, soundproofing, and a mattress. Are you kidding? I’ve got a TV/VCR combo in there with a virtual playground of kiddie porn, but are my efforts being appreciated? No! I’m fed up with those little prude bastards—they don’t know what they’re missing.”

Balskin then focused on the future and verbally contemplated investing in ice cream stickers as a ploy to lure unsuspecting children within “snatching distance.” If posing as an ice cream truck were to prove unsuccessful, Harold plans to pursue a Myspace account, and forgo all negativity associated with his windowless van by simply phasing it out of his abducting repertoire.

Claire and Joseph Gersh of Tampa Bay, FL., welcomed their new son Dennis Falcon Gersh last Wednesday. While the infant arrived without complications during a routine birth, Baby Gersh has refused to go home with the new parents, assuring the nurses that he will remain in the hospital’s care for as long as it takes to find him a more suitable pair.

“You haven’t seen them,” Baby Gersh told Tampa Bay press during his diaper change on Saturday. “This woman is dressed in fairy wings and Jelly sandals, and this guy, my god! He thinks he is some kind of ancient warrior. I refuse to be represented by these kind of deranged and reprehensible loonies!”

The Gersh couple work as senior accounting managers for two different major phones companies by day. At night they are active members in the growing gaming community participating in a role-playing lifestyle.

“I duh-don’t understand, wh-why he doesn’t luh-love me,” a sobbing Mrs. Gersh confided in the nurses of St. Mary’s of Perpetual Suffering. “He would make such a guh-good little Puck or Grey Knight.”

Baby Gersh is being held in the infant ward, and while the past week was covered, the insurance company is now insisting he be released. The nurses and doctors feel for both the parents and Baby Gersh, but the longer he stays in the nurses’ care the more compelling they find his argument.

“I wouldn’t want to subject myself to that kind of life,” admitted R.N. Kelly Jacobs. “They came in here with tambourines, little bottles of potions, and a ridiculous green hat for him

CRADLE RASH DECISION: Baby (pictured above) snuffs ‘Brown Coat’ parents after 8th straight viewing of Serenity. to wear. What the frick is that all about?” Jacobs has been the main caregiver to Baby Gersh the past week.

“Listen folks,” Baby Gersh wrote in a Penny Saver classified ad last week, “I am looking for two parents. I don’t care if it is two men, or two women, or two wild bears. I am confident that anyone could do a better job of raising me than these fucks. If you have a stable job, enjoy hiking and watching sports on the weekends then please call this nurse lady that is touching my belly.”

The ad was said to have cost the hospital $967.65 as they charge by the word.

Letters to The Grunion Dear Grunion, Hey Buuuuuuuhhhhhdddddeeeeeeee! I heard last week that Rock n Roll, like, totally lost its sweet grooves, and was, like dead? Since when did the crunchy sexnoodle tunes of the White Stripes not count as Rollage? Was I hallucinating when I saw Eagles of Death Metal touch the hearts and boobies of the crowd during their buff fest, while at the same time weazin’ the awesome juice of the rock gods?

Listen Bro, rocky road rollage extreme is most certainly not dead, and your melon is smashed if you think so. Maybe you are just low on the sweet green fundage and can’t afford to see the goodie bandoids playing the magical tunes.

Do me a favorski brohamage. Expand your nug and listen to something other than the best of albums of Maiden and Guns N Roses. Get a prescription for something other than guitar riffs, like crunchy tasty drums, or some sweet as molasses vocals.

Rock isn’t dead bro trust me, it’s thriving. If anyone knows anything about dead legacies it’s me.

Peace and Love Buddy, Pauley Shore Dear Pauley, Remember how you did that movie about pretending to be dead? Well, we took an informal poll of everyone on the planet and it’s unanimous: Make the movie real, Pauley...

Make it real.

Embrace the Void, -Grun

Dear Grunion, I’d like to know why you ran a picture of the Pope with his middle finger up last week. I sincerely doubt that the Pope really “flipped the bird,” but I don’t know how you could have printed it if it didn’t happen. Did you dress a man up like the Pope? Because that could confuse people. I’m confused.

Sincerely, Old Lady

Dear Old Lady, It’s called Photoshop. Welcome to the 21st century you slagging idiot. If you ever write to us again, we’ll break your hips, slash the tires on your walker, and unplug your VCR. If ther’es one thing we can’t stand, it’s old people. Bbb-bbb--ggggg...maybe if you didn’t reek of piss and baby powder, you old biddy.

Hugs and enemas, -Grun Dear Grunion, Hey, remember me? We used to be pals like five years ago, and now I’m destitute and alone, and looking to relive some wonderful old times. Can I come and hang out?

Pleadingly, Dave Ladders Dave, No. -Grun Dear Grunion, Thanks to you bastards, I was horribly embarrassed at Carl’s Jr. this week when I cheerfully tried to order a $6,000 Burger.

I was starving, had several hours to kill in between classes, and wanted desperately to get out of an arranged marriage to a Hindu girl that I had made online while drunk a few weeks ago. I figured eating a giant hunk of dead cow would be the best bet. However, I was informed that the burger was a “joke” and that I was an “idiot.” Now I have to get my wife to set herself on fire without making it look like it was my fault. May the Brahma curse your immortal souls, if any of you have them!

Love, Jerry Yemen Dear Jerry, Usually when we get drunk and go online, it only results in some poorly chosen eBay bids.

FYI, those “miracle-gro” pills for your hoohah are bogus. And as everyone knows, Russians, not Hindus, are the unwilling brides of choice for classy drunks everywhere. Step your game up, son, ‘fore we come correct on your ass.

Death to the nonbelievers, -Grun P.S. We have to sell our souls to pay for the rent on the basement every semester, so nice try, asshole.

Dear Grunion, As the legal counsel of Scientology Inc., I must command you to cease and desist from continuing your horrible libel against Our Lord, OT-7 Master Tom Cruise. You clearly have a dangerous level of body thetans poisonings your mind and are in need of emergency e-reading. When our crack team of deprogrammers stops by your house in the dead of night to take you our hidden Center, please, don’t disrupt the delicate process by screaming or struggling. The sooner you get clear, the better.

We’re doing this for the good of humanity.

By the way, our services run in the tens of thousands, so please have a bank statement handy so that we can charge the fees to your account.

Yours in Hubbard, Shirley Yubbadoo Dear Crazytrain, If we had a dollar for every time a Scientologist threatened us, we‘d have enough to launch an expedition to free Xenu from beneath that volano in Spain. But maybe you‘re right. We have been feeling angry and/or sad as of late, and we‘ve been thinking that the problem might be the brainwashed ghosts of aliens cluttering up our heads. Can you come on Tuesday? We‘ve got a thing with the Super Adventurers Club on Monday, so we won‘t be there.

Suri, -Grun Dear Grunion, I used to attend CSULB in the late 70’s and am now a mother. My children, now students of CSULB, bring home copies of your newspaper and I have to say it appears to be a publication run by 3rd graders with too much freedom. You’re not funny. Please make it more like the old days. Any chance of seeing a tip of the hat to The Carpenters sometime soon?

Begrudgingly, Cheryl Danvers Dear Cheryl, Your anorexic sorority days ended the day you decided not to get an abortion. Your daughter is now a bigger whore than you were and you’re jealous you can’t continue the lifestyle that she gets too. We’re not going to try and be like your home makeover shows that actually do manage to make you laugh.

Young and lively, -Grun

VOLUME 59

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Area Man Lays Witness To Ark Of The Covenant

Headlines

Prince William Comes Down With Lethal ‘Baby Fever’

SOFT WHEN WET: It’s a Prince joke. Get it?

Creepy Dude Sniffs Condi’s Hair

A VULGAR SORT OF PATRIOTISM

ISSUE 5

Sophomoric Astronaut Describes ‘Rocket Shaft’

Those Quotes Weren’t Taken Out of Context

By The Pope

GRUNION OPINIONEE

Y

ou are all evil and inhuman, all of you! And not just the Muslims (although them especially). Honestly, I don’t really understand what the uproar is about. It’s in my job description to think that pretty much the whole world is evil, and I’m a bit confused as to why one group is getting upset about me calling them out.

I mean, I’ve already made it perfectly clear that I think all non-Catholics are going to hell, which, for those of you who watched the Bears get destroyed on Sunday instead of going to church, means an eternity of the worst emotional, physical, and spiritual pain imaginable. An eternity! There is literally nothing I can think of that’s worse than that, ‘cause, you know, that’s sort of hell’s point.

So now all of a sudden I suggest that a prophet was “inhuman,” and people are offing nuns? What the shit? I mean, first off, I think that everyone seems to be forgetting that I’m infallible. Infallible, people! Maybe you don’t understand what that means because you’ve knocked your heads against the ground once too often, but it means that I’m always right, no matter what, no takebacks, shammies, or double cuts. And not just me: anyone I quote is right in the eyes of God, too. It’s a perfectly reasonable part of the Catholic religion, where I, a hu-

POPEING AND PRODDING: The pope could give a fuck about how weepy you get over this article. man being, am considered to be the voice of God, correct and to be obeyed in all circumstances.

So, Muslims, please do me a favor and step in line behind the gays, women pregnant out of wedlock, women who have premarital sex, all other women, anyone married or not who’s ever used a condom, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Wiccans,

turtles, Protestants, elves, and babies who die before they’re baptized; you’re all going to hell, so you might as well try and keep your damn mouths shut on the way.

And don’t bother blaming me, I didn’t create the world, I just interpret it in a narrow way and make sweeping generalizations taken seriously by millions about who’s going to hell and who isn’t.

YouTube Is Ruining My Drug Habit

By Bob Saget

GRUNION OPINIONEE

THE HAIR UP THERE: This is the third time that an Air Up There joke has been made this year.

John Goodman Grows Moustache

So I was doing a Google search for “lonely girls,” in hopes of finding a date for this weekend, when I stumbled onto a news article about a new web-celebrity named lonelygirl15 on some website called “YouTube.”

“Wow,” I said to myself, “why go out and run the risk of being caught for statutory rape in the back of my Buick, when there are videos of lonely girls for me to defile myself to in the comfort of my own apartment?”

Needless to say, my interest perked up, as did my cock, and I clicked on a link to check out what all the fuss was about.

I was sorely disappointed. Not only did this bitch not get naked, but she was more annoying than the Olsen twin I banged.

Don’t ask me which one; I just called her “Michelle.” So here I am, staring at a computer, wearing nothing but a single gym sock over my Johnson, and not a lonely girl in sight. What’s a washed-up comedian to do? Other than hate-fuck a trannie I picked up off Hollywood and Vine? I guess nothing really.

So I watched some videos on YouTube.

And you know what I found? Rampant copyright infringement, that’s what. It may not the most respectable job in the world, but my time at America’s Funniest Home Videos not only supported, but also fueled my cocaine habit in the 90s, and the royalties from syndication are keeping me high as a

kite as I scribble these words on the back of a cum-stained escort flyer. And now, these amateurs are ruining the great legacy I began.

It takes a real comedic genius to comment on people making asses of themselves; not some 13 year-old in the comment section screaming “lol omg that was theh hilaioius!” [sic] There is high art is choosing exactly the right nut-kick to follow up a bride passing out at the alter during a montage. I would have kicked myself in the nuts if AFHV was caught showing some asshole playing the Super Mario theme song on their acoustic guitar. You think that’s gonna get you laid, punk? Believe me, it doesn’t.

That is, unless you bash the bitch over the head with the guitar and molest her before YOU GOT IT, DUDE: This picture speaks for itself. she regains consciousness. Just ask Michelle.

And now I hear that shit’s about to be and Simpsons clips that you could find by sold for a BILLION dollars? You know watching the fucking television, all YouTube how much blow that would buy?! Give me would be is a whole bunch of high school ten grand and I’ll host the shit out of a new and college faggots jerking each other season of AFHV, complete with some new off for the title of biggest Douche Bag on jackalope material. But what really pisses me the Internet. It’s worse than that abortion off is that none of that shit on YouTube is America’s Funniest People that Coulier even funny; if it weren’t for the Family Guy hosted. Seriously YouTube, cut it out.

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