59.07

[Issue 59.7] What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up? Letter from the Editor

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Izzett Business Manager

I filed to graduate this past week – a BA in Creative Writing – and I am scared shitless. To make things even more stressful, last week was also my 22nd birthday. You know, the first birthday where you take a look at your life and see what kind of alcoholic you’ve become; turns out, I’m a raging one. So, for the first time in a long time, when people asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I had absolutely no answer. My go-to answers of “working for Rolling Stone or Esquire,” or “starting my own publication,” or “writing for television,” started sounding a lot like growing up and being a cowboy, doctor or astronaut.

So I resorted to brushing off questions regarding my future endeavors by joking with the same affable line, “I just want to get my degree,” and I found that most people just laugh along. I really hope that they’re just appreciating my cutting wit and superb sarcasm, but I’m starting to ponder whether there is a possibility that they’re not laughing along with me, but that I’m just providing the same punch line to a different joke; that they know something about getting a degree that I don’t.

I keep asking myself, every minute of every day, what I am going to do next, and every single time, I come up with the same answer: this. I want to continue what I am doing. I want to work on a renegade publication on a shoestring budget with like-minded individuals for the rest of my life. I want to have that stressful rush of adrenaline when we’re nearing deadline. I want to spend my long, long weekends with people I absolutely admire and respect. My experience with the Union Weekly is unlike anything I have ever known, and I am sure that you know exactly what I mean: it’s that certain something that keeps you sane in the midst of finals, bullshit busy-work for your lower-division classes (and occasionally upperdivision classes), and personal troubles. Be it your fraternity or sorority; your small clique made up of other co-eds; the juggling club; the bottom floor of the University Student Union in front of Kbeach; or your good old, frosty friends at the Nugget; we all have that one thing that will we would never trade for a degree (except maybe the juggling club). No offense guys, but I’m just saying…

I suppose I am just hesitant to pigeonhole myself into one career path because I want badly not to know what the future holds; I want to be surprised. I want more than anything to never have to look back at my life and see that the credits should have run years before.

When I grow up, I want to be a cowboy. I want to gallop across the Wild West on my faithful steed, fighting off bank robbers and outlaws, and drinking sassparilla. No wait, I want to be a doctor. I want to fix broken bones and cure sick people of diseases so that no one dies young. Even better, I want to be an astronaut. Yeah, I want to travel deep into the cosmos and find alien life forms that can give us humans a greater insight into the true nature of existence. Then, if I have time, I want to play professional baseball and hit the game-winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth to take the World Series from the former champions. I want to be that certain person who, at the end of a movie, the thankful crowd picks up and raises high into the air for a celebratory fist-pump as the screen freezes and the credits begin to roll. I want to do something that matters; I want to make a difference. I want to be a hero.

Or, at least I did when I was younger, before I grew up and realized that the world is without heroes.

It’s no coincidence that filmmakers end their films with these images of victory and glory. If they were to continue the story, we’d see our heroes being let down off those shoulders, only to be returned to the faceless crowd that once supported them. College is a lot like those movies. We’re pushed to reach that moment where we rise high above our friends and family and receive a diploma. We pose for a moment as our photos are taken, our fists pumping high into the air, signifying that we’ve completed what is arguably the best time of our lives. But the credits don’t roll, and seconds later, we’re returned to the crowd with only a diploma to remind us of that moment. Our moment of glory has come and gone, and many of us didn’t even realize we were living it.

Life from then on is simply playing out the clock.

This is the part of the movie filmmakers don’t want you to see: we join the ranks of the workforce with goals of promotions and raises, and paid vacations; we marry spouses we believe will bring us happiness, and then we have children we believe will make us happier; we start saving money, staying in, and staying out of trouble. We attend out children’s graduation from college, and, for a moment, as they reach their moment of glory, we remember what it was like before we graduated; the heavy drinking, the unbridled passion, and the lust for life. We realize that we peaked too early. * * *

Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Beef Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design

“The Creepy Bathroom” by noun

and her cousin

noun

adjective

and headed out the door with them

noun

and I could barely

adjective

in front of my

noun

-ing verb

. The bathrooms

were a little ways off so we had to

verb

bathroom, they went inside and I

past verb

outside. A few

out of the bathroom,

-ing verb

like I’ve never heard anyone do before. I

past verb

-ing verb

her and attempted to

she said she had a (n) plural noun

adjective

and verb

verb

in the dark for a while. When we got to the noun

later my friend ran

her down. When I asked her what had happened,

experience in the

, she suddenly looked in the

She was about to

noun

noun

. While she was

adjective

-ing verb

her

to see a dark figure standing behind her.

when the figure said “Your mother’s as good as dead and your

father hates you.” This was too much to handle. Even worse the figure’s out to be

. It was late one night, when she told me she had to go to

the bathroom. So I got up out of my behind. It was

noun

plural noun

turned

. Sadly, at this time the mother is in the hospital. She has breast cancer

and her chemotherapy isn’t working. Earlier this year her mother and father split up and she hasn’t heard from him since.

2

katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com carolynn@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com patrick@lbunion.com

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com jenperry@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent

brian@lbunion.com

Now Enjoy A Union Rad Lib A few years ago I camped at Camp

jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution

-Brian Dunning

your name for the first time. I went with my friend

brian@lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Giuliano De Pieri, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Kevin Ferguson, Julie Dinh, Jimmy Dinh, Michael Yee, Christine Hodinh, David Hook, Eric Bryan, Art Montoya, Wesley Whitehead, Katrina Prow, Omid Mousaei

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

9 October 2006

Opinions

Online Gambling Banned, Industry Folds

Despite what Star Trek tells us, a force field is nothing more than the different forces that can be felt at every point in space because of some phenomenon.

Because that’s a lot of words all at once, I’ll try to explain it through a couple examples instead. The planet Earth has its own force fields. One of them is its gravity field. The force exerted on an object

by Earth’s gravity is proportional to the Earth’s mass, is proportional to the object’s mass, is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between their centers, and this force acts toward Earth. More simply, heavier objects have stronger gravity fields than lighter objects, an object’s gravity field is stronger at points closer to it, and all forces in a gravity field point toward the object that exerts the field. As you may recall, this is very similar to how the electric force works. An electric field is the same as a gravity field except that it is caused by charge, not mass. So, whereas there is no negative mass, there is negative charge, so it is possible for electric forces to be repulsive.

Earth also has a magnetic field. This is what makes the straight magnet in a compass turn toward the North Pole.

This field is more difficult to describe, but imagine a ball covered in short hairs, with a cowlick at two opposite ends of the ball, with the hair on the half near one cowlick black while the other half is red.

Imagine that each hair is then combed to lie along the sphere pointing away from the cowlick that is on its half; the hairs closer to the cowlicks won’t comb as flat.

If we take the black cowlick to represent the North Pole and the red one as the South Pole, then the hairs determine the magnetic field along the surface of the Earth. A straight magnet on the Earth’s surface will have its “N” end attracted to black roots and red tips and its “S” end attracted to red roots and black tips. It’s helpful to think of this like springs attached between the ends of the magnet and the correct ends of the hair. Also, just like the other fields, as you get further away from Earth the field’s strength gets weaker, or the springs’ strengths gets weaker.

Continued on page 4

9 October 2006

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

By Patrick Dooley Intune Director I can think of countless descriptors for the recent bill to illegalize online gambling. Call it another religious, right wing attack, an electiontime pandering ploy for the conservative voters.

Call it unwarranted, unacceptable, downright unbelievable. Call it what you want, but be sure to recognize it for what it is: the most disgusting abuse of recreational freedoms this country has seen since prohibition.

The online gambling ban was added as a last-minute attachment to a port security bill.

It targets banks and credit card companies by making it illegal for them to transfer money from online accounts to personal bank accounts. This action has massacred the $12 billion industry, causing wide-spread balance withdrawals by panicked gamblers.

The damage has already been done. Players have been pulling out and the companies are setting their sights on the radical changes that will befall their industry. The talk is that the small companies will be bought by the big companies, which will then direct all of their business to the overseas market and in turn possibly be bought by major casinos who

previously shied away, leery of an eventual ban. It all adds up to American’s getting the short end of a very lucrative stick.

If this is truly a $12 billion industry (and it is), it’s obviously a service in high demand by a large portion of our population. And yet their interests are not being appreciated or accounted for by the suits in DC. I call this taxation without representation. Middle America is beaten down by taxes for things that usually don’t affect us—not to mention that most of these initiatives are rife with earmarks these filthy politicians (on both sides of the aisle) use to funnel our money into their pockets—and honest citizens are denied the legality of supplementing the remains of their menial wages with profits from their favorite game, their hobby, their business. Everyone deposits money of their own accord. Everyone knows the risk, no one is complaining about their losses—so what’s the problem?

The problem is that our government doesn’t feel their slice is large enough.

No doubt this ban was aimed at the everswelling poker boom, which presents its own set of problems. Poker is an intelligent game dominated by very clever players. Some have figured out that small cash-outs yield lighter

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ravagings by the federal tax man. Of course, not every poker player is a razor-sharp grifter, but then, the losers aren’t too concerned about withdrawing money, are they?

What remains to be seen is how this will affect the brick-and-mortar casinos. There’s the looming threat they will become grossly over-crowded, making it nearly impossible to get into a game. It depends on how the online players react. With the relatively recent explosion of poker, many players have quit their day jobs, realizing that full-time poker afforded them a higher hourly rate. If the uprooted players come in droves to the casinos it will result in the above-mentioned drawbacks.

On the other hand, if they don’t change their medium of play, we could be staring at the first large-scale decline in poker since consumer interest spiked. I would have preferred a natural demise to the execution-style death dealt by our self-interested law-makers. Fight the ban by joining Michael Bolcerek and the Poker Player’s Alliance. They even have a Myspace account, at: www.myspace.com/ pokerplayeralliance Questions? Comments?

Patrick Dooley can be reached at patrick@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

3

[Opinions]

Continued from Believe This page 3

Porn: The Sticky White Glue That Holds Our Society Together

By Dylan Little Contributor For centuries, one of the most unspeakable and secretive topics in society has been pornography, or porn for short. Everyone has sex, yet the idea of recording sex and watching others have sex has not just been looked down on, but outright banned. There is no reason that porn should warrant such hostility; after all, it’s just sex.

Porn combines two of our most basic instincts: curiosity and the desire to mate. Sex is something everyone wants to know more about because of their hardwired need to breed. In the grocery store, there are a myriad of magazine covers teasing you with sex secrets, tips on how to be a better lover, and other racy content, next to the can-

4

dies, where kids can flip though it.

Yet porn, which is covered up and stored far away from children is somehow more damaging. No one has any objection to Cosmopolitan showing half-naked models and encouraging sexual behavior, but when Playboy goes that extra mile, somehow no one, not even consenting adults, should be allowed to read it.

Another double standard regarding porn is its objectors saying that it’s unrealistic and damaging to the viewer’s self esteem. Porn is full of fantasy chicks with giant fake breasts and men with yardstick penises, but is it really any different from any TV show? Most doctors don’t look like George Clooney or Jennifer Morrison, yet no one complains about medical dramas hurting doctors self esteem.

Porn isn’t just a selfish masturbatory endeavor; it aids a professional industry. Porn stars are paid above minimum wage in a job that requires few, if any skills. And it’s not just porn stars that benefit; there is a crew, director, and even a scriptwriter for each porn film that makes it to the back of your seedy video store. Porn is big business, making several billion dollars annually, despite how few people get a raging hard-on from it.

Porn, the sticky white glue that holds society together, is no more wrong than any other type of movie for adult audiences. It supports thousands of film crews and actors and spurs our economy. So keep watching.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

There are two simple ways to cause magnetism. One is through moving charges. We will put off discussing this method for now. The other way is to use the natural magnetism that the pieces of atoms have.

In addition to their other properties, protons, electrons, and neutrons have what is called spin. A spin is simply a magnetization, like that of Earth, and it may only have one of two values, called “up” and “down.” You can think of an up spin having a field in the opposite direction of a down spin. If you’ve ever played with straight magnets you may have noticed that placing them close together causes them to turn and line up N to S so that their magnetic fields almost cancel.

The same thing often happens in atoms. Non-metals tend to not be very magnetic because their electrons usually all pair up to cancel magnetically. Some metals are special in that as many as five of their electrons remain unpaired and have spins of the same type, making them magnetic. Even in the nucleus, protons and neutrons usually cancel magnetically so at most a single up or down spin is felt.

Putting all this together: all atomic nuclei of the same type have the same magnetization and mass, so imagine that each acts like a straight magnet with its ends being pulled by springs in the direction of the magnetic field. As the magnet is pulled it starts turning, and once it aligns with the springs it actu-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ally keeps turning because of its inertia. The springs then pull it to slow down and line up again.

This makes the magnet oscillate some until it slowly stops.

The frequency of this oscillation depends on the strength of the field and the mass of the nucleus. If we consider only one nucleus type and a fixed magnetic field, then the oscillation frequency for a given nucleus depends only on where it is in space. If we bombard this space with radio waves of a certain frequency then some nuclei at the places in that field that correspond to that frequency will resonate. This resonation causes them to emit radio waves of the same frequency as came in, and we can then approximate the number of nuclei that resonate. By repeatedly changing the frequency of bombardment and the magnetic field, we can tell how many of a certain type of nucleus are at each point in space, which we can then compile into a 3-D image.

This entire process is what is called nuclear magnetic resonance imaging, but because everyone is irrationally afraid of being confined to a “nuclear” machine for over a half hour, we shorten it to MRI. Yep, that big scary machine that looks at your insides is just causing your little bits to jiggle by using magnets, which makes MRI the least invasive medical procedure to date and also our best hope for the future of microscopic imaging. Hell, the light from a light bulb does more damage.

9 October 2006

Sports

A look-a-like?

Fall Sports Preview: The NBA vs. The NHL The Case for the NHL

with

By Ryan Kobane

E

News Director

ver seen one of those annoying NBA fans? You know, that wear those XXXL jerseys down to their ankles, with a team’s best players’ name on it, sometimes even from decades ago, cause it’s retro?

They claim to be the biggest fan ever, that is until said team starts to fall off! I really hate these people. Not only because they are the definition of fair-weather-fans, but more importantly because they are fans of the NBA! I really hate the NBA; so let me elaborate on my reasoning.

The NBA sucks big monkey ass, and is without a doubt, the most pathetic excuse for a sport. For anyone who has watched one of these bore-fests for any length of time, it should be easy to realize that what they are watching is worthless. Here is how a normal NBA game goes: two really tall, non athletic guys jump as high as they can to get the ball, which is being thrown in the air by some 5’10’’ ref, who looks really scared. Whichever big man secures the ball then passes it to a slightly smaller man who dribbles the ball up the very small court at a lethargic pace. The player then does one of two things: he either dribbles the ball for what seems like an eternity, all the while looking like a chicken with his head cut off, or he shoots the ball in an attempt to boost his stats, looking to be the best individual on his so-called “TEAM.” This ritual goes on for like 48 minutes I think, and at the end, the score is 68-62. Leaving all in attendance drunk with madness, knowing they just shelled out 80 dollars to see these ass faces apathetically lollygag up and down the court.

Aside from a few players, the league is saturated with mediocrity. There are more characters that would rather bitch about not being able to wear sweatpants on the sidelines than actual talented individuals. I am so sick of hearing about the Allen Iversons and Ron Artests of the league. These idiots remain the focal point of what once was an amazing sport (see Jordan era), and it really bums me out.

NHL hockey, now that’s a man’s game!

This sport remains misunderstood and underappreciated by the masses, and I know why: because everyone else is lame. See, the fairies of the NBA prance up and down their shiny, lacquered, hardwood floors making 30 million dollars a year and still complain that they aren’t making enough money. While NBA players sit out a week of games due to a sore throat, I once saw an NHL player actually die on the ice, I mean blood seeping out of his ears fucked-up, and return the same night, not even missing a shift. If you ever watch SportsCenter, you will surely be familiar with the phrase, “Don’t worry, he’ll came back… he’s a hockey player!” There is a reason for this, people: it’s because they LOVE what they are doing. They don’t complain when they get hit in the face with a puck flying 100 miles per hour, it’s all a part of the game. Talking back to a coach, yeah right, no one even dares give their coach an evil eye, because most of the time their coach is even stronger and meaner then they are.

More than one issue separates these two sports, but the lack of class shown in the NBA is what really sends me over the edge. When the game is over in the NBA, most players who have lost take their shirts off and mope

9 October 2006

Straight

Coach George Karl

Illustration By Jimmy Dinh

away with their heads down, sometimes even giving the bird to a 10-year-old fan on their way into the locker room. See, they’re dicks, and they don’t even try to hide it.

Conversely, in the greatest show of sportsmanship in all sports, at the end of every NHL game, players line up and shake hands, win or lose, no matter what.

It’s not that I don’t like basketball; I love pretending I can dunk on a 7-foot hoop just as much as the next man. It’s that I hate the NBA. They have turned a once proud sport, full of iconic men, into a sport full of pansies.

And as far as hockey goes, I don’t care that the NHL doesn’t get any respect, I like it that way. Give me an ice rink full of gladiators any day of the week over that pathetic excuse for a sport that you people call the NBA.

The Case for the NBA

By Ryan ZumMallen Union Staff Writer Coming off the most exciting and unpredictable season in NBA history, the 2006-07 season promises to be just as good, if not better.

The NBA is wide open this year, which will make play that much more exciting and worthwhile to watch. The old cliché is that the NBA season doesn’t start until the playoffs, because the regular season is so long that it just becomes a bore. This is true to a certain extent, but tell me if there is a league more full of drama than the NBA. There isn’t, is there?

You’ve got the ever-growing LeBron– Wade–Carmelo rivalry, plus the added bonus that everyone will be gunning for Finals MVP Wade this year. Is Adam Morrison the next Larry Bird or the next Christian Laettner? The Suns were very good last year but get Amare Stoudemire back from injury this season. Can the Mavericks still best them with Amare in the lineup? Is Kobe Bryant’s surgically repaired knee fully recovered, and will the Lakers be able to top the Clippers in the battle for Los Angeles?

And who can forget the never-ending soap opera that is the New York Knicks? There is

just too much good stuff going on this year for you to waste your time watching hockey and trying to pronounce names that the human tongue is not supposed to be able to say.

Any way you look at it, the 2006-07 NBA season is going to be a very exciting one, and I’ll definitely be watching. So will Ryan Kobane’s girlfriend, who recently told me, “I guess I just like watching basketball better than hockey.”

Me too, Leslie. Me too. * * * Man was not meant to skate around atop frozen ponds and lakes. It’s science.

Man was meant to run around in the mud and the grass and the dirt, and also atop hardwood floors beautifully lacquered and swept clean. All awesome sports allow man to showcase his ability in his natural element. Hell, even soccer does this.

But not hockey. Maybe it’s because hockey is a combination of soccer and figure skating, or maybe it’s just because Americans didn’t invent hockey. Whatever the reason, I don’t like it, and I especially don’t like its astronomically long season taking up all the highlights on SportsCenter that could be devoted to more basketball clips and analysis.

The greatest year of my life was 2004, in which the NHL announced that there would be no hockey season until the following year.

Finally, my life’s dream had been realized. The sport that I cannot stand would be shelved for an entire season, and I have an ignorant NHL commissioner and a clueless NHL Players Union President to thank for it!

Two thumbs up from me!

Alas, this NHL season will be played, but fret not, because as much as the NBA regular season is a boring, drawn-out affair, this is quadrupley true for the NHL. Yes, the postseason is actually quite exciting and the play is much improved. Sometimes I’ll even watch an entire NHL highlight without changing the channel during playoff time!

But don’t waste your time during the regular season. Just do what every other American in the country does, and avoid watching hockey on TV like it’s the chupacabra.

Questions? Comments?

Disagree? Send your rebuttals to fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Aqua Teen’s Carl

ROOF

JJ Fiddler

Ahh, the power of sports.

I traveled back east over the weekend, and had some time to kill at LAX before my flight. What does one do with about an hour to kill in an airport? Well, get drunk of course.

So, I strolled the terminal and came upon the local establishment. It was late, around 10:00, but the place was still pretty full. I took a seat at the bar and got to it, making sure to set my cell phone alarm for 15 minutes before my flight.

You know, just in case.

Looking around I saw that most of the patrons were watching SportsCenter on the big screen television against the far wall. Most would be an understatement, actually. Almost all of the people in the bar were watching highlights.

Now, it’s my estimation that between 55 and 65 percent of the population are sports fans. Not the type of “sports fan” that will watch the first half of a football game and change the channel at halftime.

My definition of a sports fan is someone who knows the roster of their favorite team. Even if they only like baseball, if they can rattle off the starters and backups for their home town ball club, they are a sports fan.

But, in an airport bar that percentage is more like 85-95 percent. Everyone is a sports fan. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has something to say.

Midway through my first drink, a chowder head (that’s someone you know is from New England before they even start talking) sat down to my right and ordered a beer. I was wearing my Dodgers hat, and since we had gone down 0-2 to the Mets that night, he felt the need to mention the game. I came back with the fact that we might be joining the Red Sox on the golf course soon, and he chuckled.

That was all it took.

Over the next hour, he and I discussed and argued everything from Laurence Maroney and his fantasy prowess to the fact that UConn is going to be really good this year, again. Midway though the second beer, the Laker fan at the end of the bar was chiming in, as well as the lady with the accent. It was an impromptu roundtable, and it ended up being better than anything on TV. We laughed, and the more we talked about the Dodgers I felt like crying, but this is the power of sports. I swear an hour at a bar has never gone by so fast. * * * I was in Washington DC for the weekend visiting family, and on Sunday I went to a party to watch the Redskins game.

With all the talk about Los Angeles not having a football team, I realized this weekend what we are really missing out on. That town is Redskins Country. They live and die with the ‘Skins.

However, that is them, and we are most defiantly us. If Los Angeles was “awarded” an NFL franchise, would we support the team like the true football towns around the country do? Would you?

Questions? Comments?

JJ Fiddler can be reached at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

5

News

EcoZone Secures Bright Future for Long Beach

By Ryan Kobane News Director

T

he air was crisp and fresh on the 4th of September. The blue sky was painted with intermittent wisps of clouds, allowing the warm sun to reflect off the ocean. It would have been easy to forget that not every day in Long Beach is so perfect. But Mayor Bob Foster, alongside EcoMedia President and CEO Paul Polizzotto and many others, was in attendance at the Long Beach lighthouse to remind us that our environment is indeed threatened.

First to take the stage, Mayor Foster announced that the city of Long Beach would be the first city in California and the Western United States to launch the “EcoZone” program – a program that is designed to create solutions to Long Beach’s most critical environmental issues – and “won’t cost the taxpayer a dollar,” said Mayor Foster.

EcoZone is a unique, public/privatelyfunded program that will fund important technologies and solutions to measurably improve the local environment in the areas of air, water, energy and greenspace. Calling it a, “win-win situation for the environment and the City of Long Beach,” Mayor

Photo By Ryan Kobane

While Long Beach’s shores look clean in the summer, winter’s first rains bring metric tons of sewage and waste.

Foster praised EcoMedia for the possibilities that EcoZone will have on his city.

Paul Polizzotto, founder and CEO of EcoMedia, spoke of the virtues his company plans to instill in the people of Long Beach: “EcoZone will work in three different ways; first being community outreach programs; second, EcoMedia will provide the critical funding needed to make the changes; and finally giving direction and advice.” Polizzotto went on to say that, “it is only by offering our cities and states real solutions to overwhelming environmental problems, while at the same time connecting them with educated and motivated sponsors, that we can afford to keep bringing the additional funding in and execute the messages and solutions.”

Watching firsthand as rainwaters rushed down the L.A. streets, carrying toxic sediment and trash, and finally settling onto the beaches, Polizzotto knew it was time to create change. With the aim of first cleaning up his hometown surf break of Manhattan Beach, Polizzotto, an avid surfer, developed the Adopt-a-Waterway program, which quickly grew into EcoMedia, his for-profit company.

EcoZone, the flagship program of EcoMedia, is the first environmental program in the country that ties public/private partnerships in which city and state governments derive revenue from corporate sponsorships to fund environmental projects. A proven leader in environmental media, EcoMedia is dedicated to generating the necessary funds and resources that are paramount in achieving the lofty goals of the city of Long Beach. “We are going modern with our media,” said Polizzotto.

“We need to reach people now, where they are getting their information, such as podcasts, so we can pass on a cleaner environment to our grandchildren.”

Terry Tamminen, former Cabinet Secretary of Governor Schwarzenegger’s Office, further elaborated on the need for immediate improvements to California’s ecosystems. “Something that is as well thought-out as EcoZone is can only be bound for success,” said Tamminen.

“Everyone needs to understand that everything in our ecosystem is connected.”

Seeing that we need to change the way we treat our environment isn’t hard, but finding the money to fund such a great program is usually the barrier that prevents the needed change from being implemented. So where is the money coming from?

Photo By Ryan Kobane

LB Mayor Bob Foster and Paul Polizzotto, EcoMedia President and CEO, appeared excited and hopeful about the possibilites EcoZone will bring to Long Beach.

Joining a strong list of national and local sponsors for the EcoZone program that already includes such names as DaimlerChrysler and CH2M Hill are Comerica Bank, AbTech, and the Long Beach Airport. AbTech Industries, already a leading environmental technologies firm, addresses issues such as water pollutants and bacterial contamination through the use of their innovative products. Glenn Rink, founder and president of AbTech said, “We plan on using innovative ways to educate the public about the affects of pollution as well as help cities and local municipalities to meet their obligations under the Clean Water Act.”

A lot is riding on the development of new products that influence the way we will save our environment. Your generation is the key to the solution.

-Paul Polizzotto EcoMedia President and CEO While the summer often allows the bacterial levels to drop, and the accumulation of trash on the Long Beach beaches seems less, Tom Leary, of the Long Beach Storm water Management Division, warned that the rainy season is when the

majority of problems occur. “In the record rainy season of April 2005, over 12,000 tons of debris washed on the shores of our beaches,” said Leary. “Lots of things need to be done, no one has the golden bullet, but if we change behavior, and begin with source reduction, and ways to capture trash curbside, we can eliminate a large portion of the problem.”

In an aggressive effort to promote awareness, EcoZone programs have goals to launch nationally in the top 25 major markets by year-end 2007. Cities such as Washington, D.C., Miami, and Sacramento County plan to launch their own programs this year. Local cities such as Hermosa Beach, Redondo Beach, Malibu, and Inglewood will soon follow suit.

When asked how he felt that a student from California State University, Long Beach could be a part of the solution, Polizzotto immediately replied, “Find a career that deals with environmental issues.”

Polizzotto continued, “We are dependent on this generation, a lot is riding on the development of new products that influence the way we will save our environment. Your generation is the key to the solution.”

Questions? Comments?

Ryan Kobane can be reached at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

BELMONT STATION

MEXICAN RESTAURANT, CANTINA & DANCE CLUB •Great Food •Best DJs •Dancing 7 Nights A Week •Live Bands Sat-Sun Afternoon Please Drink Responsibly and Don’t Drink & Drive •Sports •NFL Package 5300 East 2nd Street • Belmont Shore, Long Beach • 562-438-2026

6

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 October 2006

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

By Ryan Kobane News Director

North Korea Threatens Nuclear Tests Carrying threats of unspecified consequences, the U.N. Security council urged North Korea not to carry out its planned nuclearweapon test on Friday. Coming three days after North Korea announced it had planned its first underground nuclear test, the warning came in the form of a formal statement that was adopted unanimously by the U.N. A nuclear test would “jeopardize peace, stability and security in the region and beyond” and “bring universal condemnation by the international community,” said the Security Council statement, read at a formal meeting by Japan’s U.N. Ambassador Kenzo Oshima, this month’s council president. Saying their hand had been forced by the U.S. by “threats of nuclear war and sanctions,” U.S. officials said that North Korea plans to detonate its nuclear device as early as this weekend. While North Korea is said to have enough fissile material to make six to eight nuclear bombs, it is uncertain if they have the technology to make a bomb small enough to attach to a missile. U.S. Ambassador John Bolton told reporters, “if they do test it, it will be a very different world a day after the test.” (Reuters)

Baker Commission Carves Up Iraq

[News]

National Anti-Bush Rally Hits CSULB

By Vincent Girimonte

T

Union Staff Writer

wo students were threatened with arrest this past Thursday, after plans for a student protest disintegrated into a chaotic event.

Corresponding with a national day of protest, CSULB students originally gathered near the Friendship Walk to rally against President Bush and the new legislation giving the U.S. more protection when interrogating terror suspects. The legislation, which was a subject of heated debate in the Senate, along with a growing dissatisfaction with the war in Iraq, inspired citizens across the nation to protest, many walking out from their daily jobs.

Several students then proceeded to the Career Fair in the University Student Union, where they stood in front of the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol kiosk. Jeff Klaus, head of Student Life and Development, told the students that they must leave the club fair, citing CSULB regulations prohibiting a protest inside the Student Union. After refusing to leave, University Police were contacted and subsequently removed the students without force. Klaus, who approved the protest near the Friendship Walk (where many protests have previously taken place), was forced to take action when the students “defaced the property of one of the venders” by allegedly putting signs on the booth. “We support the students’ right to protest,” he said, but acknowledged that “approved locations” are necessary.

CSULB regulations prohibit “solicitation” “within 32 feet of the escalator,” making the improvised protest in the Career Fair

Photo By Ryan Kobane

A statement of peace instead of war. This message set the tone for CSULB’s The World Can’t Wait anti-Bush rally; according to many of the students involved, it was a success. technically legal, although it was not where the original protest was intended to take place.

However, the regulations continue to say that “solicitation be conducted in a manner that does not interfere with classes and other normal university functions,” offering up many interpretations.

Just outside of the USU, protesters continued to voice their complaints, and ask why there were being forced outside.

University Police then took control of the situation, and ordered the students to leave the area. After another refusal to leave the premises, the police issued a dispersal order, where if the students did not leave within ten minutes, they would be arrested.

Rachel Winet, one of the protesters who was issued a dispersal order, said that the protesters followed the administrative orders, and that the protest outside of the USU was perfectly legal. “We were outside of 32 feet from the elevator,” she said, and was still uncertain as to why the dispersal order was given by University Police.

The official statement from University Police gave the reasons for the dispersal order, saying the protesters were “blocking points of egress to the Student Union.” They also stressed that the protesters were given a place to protest on campus, and by leaving this position, they were not helping their cause.

Career Fair Opens Door to Workforce The sweet smell of opportunity floated in the Career Fair air last week as dozen of vendors, representing all types of industries, set up kiosk in the University Student Union.

Students, many dapperly dressed in suits, wandered the various booths, talking to company reps about job and internship opportunities. Interior design major Wren Robb deemed the event a success, saying there was “a lot of stuff for everyone.” Alicia Fernandez, a representative from World Savings Bank, offered words of encouragement for those of us struggling to graduate. “A degree in general is something we are looking for. It shows a great commitment.”

The Iraq Study Group, an independent commission that was set up by Congress, and approved

by President George W Bush, may end up recommending that carving up Iraq into three highly autonomous regions would be the best idea, UK Times Online reports.

Co-chairman James Baker, the former US Secretary of State, plans to report this during next month’s congressional elections. Amid the chaos that is claiming the lives of 100 civilians a day, the commission has grown increasingly interested in the idea of splitting the Shi’ite, Sunni and Kurdish regions of Iraq as the only alternative to what Baker calls “cutting and running.” (UK Times Online)

Wednesdays Are

9 October 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

7

Common Sense

Monday9 Sufjan Stevens: Wiltern LG $20-25, 8pm Hatebreed: HOB Sunset $20, 6pm Brooks & Dunn: Gibson Amphitheatre $39.50-49.50, 715pm, two nights The National: Troubadour $12, 8pm Family Tree Analog: Plush $5, 9pm

Common Live At CSUN’s Big Show 6

Tuesday10 All That Remains: Whisky $14, 7pm Matt Kearney: Roxy Theatre $15, 7pm Zoe: Glass House $15, 7pm Dresden Dolls: Orpheum Theatre $23, 8pm Long Live Logos: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm Gov’t Mule/ Donavon Frankenreiter: Grove of Anaheim $30, 8pm Kamelot/ Epica: Galaxy Theatre $25, 8pm Del Castillo: Vine Street Lounge $10, 9pm

Wednesday11 Porcupine Tree: HOB Sunset $27, 7pm Cult Movie Nite: DiPiazza’s 11pm Pablo Francisco: Irvine Improv $22, five nights, times vary An Evening with Jon Lovitz: Laugh Factory $17-27, 8pm The Sliders: Plush $5, 9pm Rancid: HOB Anaheim $18, 7pm, three nights Solillaquists of Sound: Glass House $10, 730pm Blue October: Grove of Anaheim $20, 8pm Merle Haggard: Royce Hall – UCLA $38-65, 8pm Kasabian: Henry Fonda Theatre $18, 9pm Afterfall, Illustrious Gentlemen: Plush $5, 815pm

Thursday12 Citizen Cope: HOB Sunset $23, 8pm Ian Bagg, Bert Kreischer: Brea Improv $15, four nights, times vary Electric Six: Galaxy Theatre $13.50, 8pm Jedi Mind Tricks: Troubadour $20, 8pm The Feeling: Key Club $14, 830pm

Friday the 13th

Union Film Series: Friday the 13th part V $2.50, 730pm Def Leppard/ Journey: Hollywood Bowl $30-175, 730pm Good Clean Fun: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm Subtle: Glass House $10, 730pm Fiendfest w/ The Misfits: Galaxy Theatre $30, 8pm, two nights Lucero: Troubadour $12, 8pm Foreigner: Canyon Club $56-75, 9pm Particle: Henry Fonda Theatre $20, 9pm

Saturday14 Bamboozle Left: Cal Poly Pomona $33.33, 11am Adema: Knitting Factory $15, 7pm Congress of Corruption: HOB Sunset $10, 7pm Juan Gabriel: Hollywood Bowl $45.50-365.50, 8pm Lily Allen: Troubadour $12, 8pm Whispers/ The Temptations: Gibson Amphitheatre $45.50-75.50, 815pm Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: Henry Fonda Theatre $20.50, 9pm, two nights Once Upon A Time…: Key Club $20, 9pm

Sunday15 Bamboozle Left: Cal Poly Pomona $33.33, 11am Andre: The Pasadena Civic $25-100, 7pm Anthony B & Wisdom: Roxy Theatre $25, 8pm Mushroomhead: Galaxy Theatre $15, 8pm Samiam: Troubadour $13, 8pm Smokey Robinson: Grove of Anaheim $93-103, 8pm Xzibit: HOB Sunset $25, 8pm

8

Photo By Kathy Miranda

H

ip-hop artist Common headlined The Big Show 6, held on September 30th at Cal State University, Northridge. Anxious college students and eager fans, from teens to 20-somethings, lined up patiently outside the campus waiting for their turn to enter. With constant glances at my watch—4:10...4:20...4:40—I became skeptical. Finally, a member of CSUN’s A.S. approached the line and reassured everyone that we would all enter on time for the performance. The looks on everyone’s faces were priceless; it was as if they were accused of being the father on Jenny Jones but the results came out negative. Yeah, that kind of face. That just goes to show you, we were that ecstatic.

As we entered the campus the adrenaline pumped even harder. The atmosphere was filled with an intense energy, a feeling only a crowd could relate to. The sun was going down as the crowd grew quiet. Everyone gathered up toward the stage and instantly noticed the stage lights turn on.

The chatter set in, and as everyone started to get comfortable conversing with their fellow Common fans, that beautiful bass line began. Oh, if only this paper had sound! The keyboard followed, then the drums. And like a sucker punch, Common rushed out from backstage and started singing the first track off his latest album, Be—I’m singing along while I write this. What followed was one of the best shows I’ve ever witnessed. Common is an artist who continues to send positive messages about life and love, changing people across the country.

The second song to be performed was his hit single “Go,” pumping up the crowd with their hands raised high and singing along. After a couple more songs from his Grammy award-winning album, Be, the set was interrupted by a phone call. Common cleverly teased the crowd with a call from fellow hip-hop artists Talib Kweli and Mos Def, together known as Blackstar. The crowd was curious—could it be? Are they here, performing, tonight?!?! At the peak of my suspicion, Blackstar’s song “Respiration” began. But no Mos, and no Talib. The anxiety was killing me, but a minute into the song we realized the phone call was just another one of Common’s ploys to keep us wanting more. Nevertheless, Common’s cover of the two songs, “Respiration” and “Get ‘Em High,” only got the crowd jumping higher, and screaming louder.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

After the two covers, Common’s DJ (Dumi), accompanied by Common himself started to play some old school, classic hip-hop songs to electrify the crowd.

Songs included “Love of my Life” by Erykah Badu, “Passing Me By” by The Pharcyde, and “Nuthin’ But A G Thang” by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. This interlude introduced Common’s idea of “where hiphop began,” performing the fan-favorite, “I Used To Love Her,” and closing with a “different side of where hip-hop began,” the song “The Corner.”

Each interlude uniquely emphasizing a reoccurring theme of his songs, illustrating Common’s ingenious artistic ability.

Towards the end of the show, Common praised many of his fellow artists, particularly one special to him. A tribute to J Dilla, hip-hop producer, MC and close friend to Common, was held in honor of his death in February of this year. Jay Dee’s track, “Thelonius,” was played while Common MCed to the beat. But the encore was the most memorable part. While the crowd was convinced Common and his band were gone, they surprised us yet again with one last song, my favorite to be precise. Common’s famous track, “The Light,” sampled with the famous Bobby Caldwell song, “Open Your Eyes,” closed the show with couples dancing and fans singing their hearts out. That song was without a doubt the icing on the cake, the cherry on top and whatever else is considered the last step to perfection.

-By Kathy Miranda

9 October 2006

Band Of Horses trot into the Avalon

F

rom the outside, the Avalon isn’t very impressive, but on the inside, its cozy ambience is ideal for music. Two full bars grace both sides of the dimly lit hallways that lead to the stage. When you finally get to the floor, you look up and see that the Avalon is much more than a hip Hollywood club.

In the late 1920’s, this very venue was born as Los Angeles’ first legitimate theater, and has been host to some of music’s most influential bands. So to say that playing there is an honor would be a huge understatement.

Deciding that my pocketbook wasn’t deep enough for the booze, I skated past the bars, and onto my favorite place to reside, laying claim to the drink table, and using it as my chair for the night. As I sat down, Simon Dawes, the opening band, that will one day be headlining their own show, struck their first chords. The lead singer, whose name is neither Simon nor Dawes, played guitar at a feverish pace, while being perfectly complimented by his bandmates. Then, lead guitarist and backup vocalist Blake Mills took the mic, giving the band a whole new sound, and preceded into a song that lasted nearly 10 minutes, completely rocking the entire time. It’s very apparent that these kids, yes kids, know how to play their instruments, holding the audience captive for their entire set.

“I just finished my mini ramp, and I have a really beautiful girlfriend at home in Calgary, so I really fucking hate touring,” were the first words uttered by middleman Chad VanGaalen as he took the stage. I was hooked, instantly. He was a loner, a one-man band; with guitar in hand, bass drum, and harmonica, Chad sang songs about dogs, Canada; and then his guitar string broke. Looking lost without his tool, Chad took an early exit, much to the dismay of myself, and most of the crowd from what it seemed.

The first time I laid eyes on the men of Band Of Horses was on Letterman. Not the greatest introduction to say the least, they were green, and looked nervous on such a grand arena. So

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Artist Spotlight

Music in its ideal form is something that can take a person back to a particular memory or feeling, or amplify a given situation. By that definition, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds are the epitome of music. Now, that may be an exaggeration, but Nick Cave seems to have written a song for every aspect of the human condition. From screaming fury (“Cabin Fever”) to the very depths of human love (“Into My Arms”), there is a song for whatever ails you.

Starting with the raw and maniacal From Her to Eternity in 1983, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds created a sound that, while obviously influenced by such acts as Leonard Cohen and The Birthday Party (the latter of which Cave and fellow Bad Seed Mick Harvey were both a part of), had its own feel, managing originality even out of such tired bleeding heart anthems as Elvis’ “In the Ghetto.”

From there, several albums were released that created a more fine-tuned band, one that at one moment could be the soundtrack to your first love, and the next your last breath.

However, it was arguably 1989s Henry’s Dream that blew the potential of the band wide open. Sporting such off color love songs as “Straight to You” (a love song set at the Apocalypse) and “Jack the Ripper” as well as brooding hulks like “John Finn’s Wife” and “Poppa Won’t Leave You Henry,” the album truly had something for everyone.

As good as that album was though, it wasn’t until 1996’s Murder Ballads that Cave and his Bad Seed cohorts gained any substantial commercial support. However, the following albums, instead of being carbon copies of Murder Ballads and possibly rocketing the band to higher financial status, were taken in a strikingly personal direction.

The release of the following The Boatman’s Call and No More Shall We Part showed a side of Cave that was less based in fantastical environments, such as the aforementioned “Straight to You,” and more centered around a much more personal side of Cave. The band seemed born anew, and the music, now saturated in haunting piano melodies and violin lines, truly became something to behold.

From there it’s been a journey in that direction, with the following Nocturama jumping head first into the feeling of its immediate predecessors. While the most recent Abattoir Blues/ The Lyre of Orpheus was in a strangely gospel-influenced vein, the personal element continues, and helps to keep Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds a fresh and viable musical entity, something very few bands with a career span as long as theirs can say.

Duper Sessions Astralwerks

Reviewed By Erin Hickey

Photo Courtesy Robin Laananen

when they took the stage, and lead vocalist Ben Bridwell immediately stopped three lines into their most popular song, “The Funeral,” and laughed, “I don’t know why, but I’m nervous,” I was hoping for the best, but expecting another unrefined performance. With only seven songs to work with, I expected covers, but when I got almost half a set of them, I was left disappointed. Allow me to clarify; this band is so musically talented that every song left me wanting more of their signature sound, but instead, they made every cover their own.

This band is indeed fresh, like a statue cut from granite in its earliest stages; rough and raw. It’s easy to see that the end product is going to be brilliant; but years of hard work, and hours of sweat and tears will have to be put into this project to fully capture that brilliance. Band of Horses didn’t put on the greatest show I have ever seen, not even the best show I’ve seen at the Avalon, but it was very clear that these guys are having a blast. From jokes about the guy in the front row with a mullet, to tales of weed parties, and omni-present smiles, it was refreshing to see a band with such talent, still understanding that music can be fun.

Norwegian singer-songwriter Sondre Lerche seems to be channeling Chet Baker on his latest release, Duper Sessions. His seamless blend of pop and jazz has the accessibility and charm of Sinatra with one key difference: aside from three covers of songs by Cole Porter, Elvis Costello, and Paddy McAloon, the album is entirely self-written and composed.

What is most surprising about Lerche’s mostly self-penned tribute to an era when pop songs were rarely performed by their authors, is how remarkably well he adapts to the genre. His melodies have a familiarity that allows them to fall comfortably into place alongside those of Porter, and George Gershwin, though they maintain an originality that prevents them from sounding too dated. Duper Sessions is beautifully written and The Faces Down Quartet perform with a degree of finesse and subtlety that much of modern jazz greatly lacks.

IV Thieves

If We Can’t Escape My Pretty New West Records Reviewed By Katy Thomas

-By Ryan Kobane

Introducing…The Noisettes

Artist Spotlight

Dirty streets, smog-laden skylines, crazy people, reliable public transport,; I guess that last one gave it away that I’m not talking about L.A., but London. At present the finest export of fair, Dickensian London is none other than bluespunk trio, The Noisettes.

Shingai Shinowi erupts onto the stage like an Amazonian queen laden with costume jewels, tribal make-up and always wears the same crazed and excited expression, holding the knowledge of the fury she is about to unleash upon her unsuspecting crowd. Shingai, the singer and bassist of The Noisettes is joined by guitarist Dan Smith, a modern pioneer of the kind of riveting intro on early Stones’ tracks, and drummer Jamie Morrison, whose stripped down kit drives the insane pace of their music.

Shinowa sexes up the stage, she won’t shy away from erotically and explicitly whipping up her sixties print shift dress and I’ve first hand account of her mounting some ecstatic guy in the front row at an intimate London academy venue. The Noisettes thrive on live performances, and with only one EP to date, 2005’s Three Moods of the Noisettes, and imminent full length release What’s the Time Mr. Wolf? coming early next year, it’s testament to their musical ability that they have already been named “best live band in Britain.”

The Noisettes started out when Shinowa and Smith, who had met previously around 1998, joined forces with drum thrashing Morrison and embarked on wild, year long gig schedule where they played in and around London in any venue that they were able. This passion for live music continued and later shows included a performance at revered London ‘scene’ hotspot, The Garage; they also performed recently at SXSW. Shoniwa’s vocal is unearthly, like nothing you would have heard, almost like Debbie Harry on speed and without the wispy elegance, with a streak of Jagger’s eccentric grace, poise and unpredictable intonation. Often the talent of her vocal is overshadowed by the stage acrobatics mandatory in her performance, although it is too powerful to be undermined.

The true audacity of Shinowa’s vocal and the skills of Smith and Morrison are most evident on the new single, “Scratch Your Name,” the ridiculously fanciful “Signs” and the uncompromising manic anthem to my first year of university, “Don’t Give Up.”

IV Thieves lack pace, energy and, although it seems harsh to say, the lyrics to Track Two, “Catastrophe”: “You should really act your age,” hit closer to home than the young band may have hoped. With these extra components the band would have struck a winner, but they would also sound just like current favourite Brit pop-rockers The Subways.

IV Thieves sound is over-done, stuck somewhere in the mid 90’s heyday of Oasis.

Although the band has been acclaimed by the talented Gallagher — I’m talking Noel — it seems to be a case of flattery because IV Thieves’ sound isn’t far removed from that of Oasis, even the likeable, colloquial vocal. However, with an injection of pace, “All The Time” makes for an enjoyable listen and the glam undertones of “Have Pity” rocks harder than the rest of the album combined!

Veruca Salt IV

Sympathy for the Record Industry Reviewed By Wesley A. Whitehead

-By Katy Thomas

I initially disliked all of the songs on the album.

The album had a little harder rock sound then Resolver but was still giant steps away from the sound of Veruca Salt’s earlier albums. It seemed like they were taking a step away from the type of music I like and towards a harder rock sound.

Despite initially disliking the album, I went to see their performance at the Key Club in September. After hearing “So Weird” performed live, I realized that some of the songs would grow on me. Songs like “So Weird” and “Innocent” have openings that yank you right into the song.

Perhaps with some more listening I’ll learn to appreciate the album more.

It is a little disappointing that some of the songs on IV were already released on the album Lords of Sound and Lesser Things, which was released last year. If you are a fan of Veruca Salt you have probably already purchased this album, but if not then perhaps you should try listening to American Thighs or Resolver first.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9

-By Eric Bryan

9 October 2006

Sondre Lerche & The Faces Down Quartet

FRIDAY THE

T

MOVIE

This Friday marks the first Union Movie Series screening.

Friday the 13th: Part V is probably one of the awesomest horror movies to come out in 1985 and will be perfect for this kind of event. We promote loud comments berating this film, personal commentary, and general crude humor. Basically, if you are a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 then you know what kind of experience this will be.

Come and bring your friends, just beware that the staff of the Union Weekly will be there and we tend to get a little rowdy.

If you are under the impression that you will be able to quietly take in the film with your little bag of popcorn you are sorely mistaken. I can’t guarantee that you won’t be offended, but I am pretty sure that you will have a great time.

There is also going to be music, dancing, food and free pool

“

13

SERIES

“

UNION

th

and bowling provided by Kbeach and Program Council. Yeah, everyone is coming together for this thing and it is only the beginning of a slew of events that will promote students staying on campus. You are going to notice more and more signs and flyers with “Keep it on Campus” slapped on them. That is the slogan for turning this commuter school full of strangers with their heads down and iPods on, into a place where you can hang out and show some school spirit.

We’ll see you at the University Theater on Friday and, if you are so inclined, you can dress up. We will be giving away prizes for best costume, because we are lame like that. You can get your tickets at the candy counter in the Student Union, the Program Council office, or in the residence dining halls.

-By Katie Wynne

It s Got A Death Curse

Miles and Beef Give You a History of the Friday the 13th series Friday the 13th Pamela Voorhees (an old friend of the Christies) seeks vengeance on drug addled, sexually charged teens as well as their mustachioed, frayed jean-short sporting camp manager. The reason: her son Jason drowned in the camp lake years ago due to neglectful counselors.

Body Count: 10 Best Deaths: Jack (Kevin Bacon) with the arrow stabbed through the bottom of his bed.

What Makes It Great?: It’s not the best slasher and it’s not the best of the series; however, it is the first (which must count for something, right?) and the “twist” ending still makes me jump.

Friday the 13th Part 2 After Pamela Voorhees death, Jason comes back to life and seeks revenge on the young girl who killed his mother. Jason goes back to Camp Crystal Lake and lives in a shanty in the middle of the woods. 5 years later, camp counselors show up to reopen the camp and get decimated along the way.

Body Count: 10 Best Deaths: Jason finally strangles toothless prophet of doom, Crazy Ralph, to death with barbwire. Also, a wheel chair bound counselor gets a machete to the face and then pushed down a flight of stairs.

What Makes It Great?: Jason wears overalls and a knapsack for a mask, making him look like a KKK reject. And the reveal of Jason’s face makes the movie worth seeing.

Friday the 13th Part 3-D More kids head into “Jason’s wilderness,” and pay for their transgressions…in 3-D! Body Count: 12 Best Deaths: The spear gun in the eye, the hand stand machete death and the head squeeze/eye pop (in glorious 3-D!).

What Makes It Great?: Jason wears the mask for the first time and yet he’s creepier when he takes it off. I know that a lot of people love the emaciated-zombie look that Jason adopts in later films, but for me, the character peaked as a toothless maniac that was too retarded to die.

Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter 12 year-old Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman) and family move into a house by Camp Crystal Lake and are soon ravaged by Jason, who is unbiased in his hatred of all outsiders. Corey Feldman and his boyish wit prove to be a fair match for Jason’s waterlogged brain.

Body Count: Jason Voorhees-13 Tommy Jarvis-1 Best Deaths: Crispin Glover gets a corkscrew to the hand and then an instantaneous cleaver to the face.

Some girl gets tossed out of a second story window and lands on a parked car.

What Makes It Great?: There’s a character in the movie whose sole purpose is to find and kill Jason for killing his sister. He seems badass, but the second he’s confronted by Jason he’s immediately killed with a garden harrow. Nice going, buddy.

10

Union Favorites: Our picks for best 13th posters.

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning Jason stalks a group of kids with questionable mental health while Tommy Jarvis freaks out and tosses bullies around using Ju-Jitsu. Affectionately referred to as the “Retard Camp” installment.

Body Count: 19 real deaths and 22 if you count dreams and hallucinations Best Deaths: “Well if that’s the way you feel about it, then forget it, Vic! But I think you’re really out of line.” Also, “Jason” enjoys a bit of pop-locking from one of his victims before ending her.

What Makes It Great?: What part of “Retard Camp” don’t you understand? Despite the fact that the real Jason is once again absent, this is perhaps the best installment of the series. Plus, there’s no better film in this series to experience with a large group of drunken college kids (wink).

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives Tommy Jarvis (played by another actor for a third time) is released from a mental institution and feels the need to dig up Jason’s body to make sure he’s dead. Once the grave’s open, Tommy shoves a spear through Jason’s heart, which is then struck by lightning and brings him back to life. Zombie Jason wrecks havoc once again.

Body Count: 18 Best Deaths: 3 people are killed all at once in a triple decapitation with a machete. The movie starts with a punch through the chest to Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

What Makes It Great?: This one doesn’t take itself seriously at all. It knows the series is ridiculous in its killings, storylines, and sex scenes, and it lives up to it in every moment of the film.

Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood A young girl with psychic powers goes on a retreat with her therapist to develop her gift. Along the way she meets some future machete fodder and battles Jason with “mind-bullets.”

Body Count: 16 Best Deaths: Jason slams a sleeping-bag against a tree until the poor girl inside is dead.

What Makes It Great?: Kane Hodder steps into the role of Jason, as well as some incredibly chimp-like zombie make-up. Plus, the final fight is a lot of fun.

Katie Wynne’s

Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan Jason hops on board a ship with some high school seniors on their way to New York. He manages to slaughter the majority of teenagers while at sea, but when Jason and the remaining students finally get to New York, a citywide battle ensues.

Body Count: 19, and then about 20-30 more students who drown in the sinking boat.

Best Deaths: One kid hits Jason a few times in the head before Jason retaliates and decapitates him with an uppercut. Also, Jason smashes a guitarist’s head in with her own electric guitar.

What Makes It Great?: Probably the worst in the series. The title is a bit of a tease, leaving you to think Jason will run around New York killing anything that gets in his way, instead of sticking to one group of teens. Instead, it turns out to be Jason at sea. Its got some good kills, but offers nothing more than that.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday We finally discover that the source of Jason’s immortality is a hell-worm that jumps from body to body. After suffering a major explosioning, Jason’s worm inhabits and kills a number of people before being sent to hell via a stabbing from a “magical dagger.” Meh. Body Count: 25 Best Deaths: The coroner examining Jason’s corpse feels compelled to eat Mr. Voorhees’ heart, thus becoming him and technically dying.

What Makes It Great?: It’s the goriest of the series, bar none.

Jason X Jason’s cryogenically frozen body is discovered by a group of space traveling students on “Old Earth” in the year 2455. Of course, he thaws out, wakes up and starts killing people…in space!

Body Count: 25, plus some virtual reality related deaths.

Best Deaths: A woman’s face is frozen with liquid nitrogen and then smashed onto a counter.

What Makes It Great?: Like Jason Goes to Hell, it tries something new. Unfortunately, the “new” shit has been done in other, equally shitty horror films, like Hellraiser: Bloodline and Leprechaun 4: In Space.

Freddy Vs. Jason Freddy uses Jason to spread fear through Springwood in the hopes of regaining his old powers and escaping hell. Some kids die and the two horror icons fight. Based on Dostoevsky’s immortal classic of the same name.

Body Count: 24 Best Deaths: Freddy is impaled by his own severed arm/razor glove and then decapitated with a machete.

What Makes It Great?: The final fight was worth the wait, even if the shitty teenaged subplots weren’t.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Facts A bout Friday The th 13

W

hy do we find Friday the 13th unlucky? Well, for Christians, Friday is the unluckiest day of the week because they believe that Christ was crucified on this day. They also believe the number thirteen to be unlucky because there were thirteen figures present at the Last Supper.

That would make Friday the 13th double trouble, but the history of this superstition goes back even farther.

In Norse mythology there were thirteen present at a banquet in Valhalla when the chief god Odin’s son Balder, god of peace, innocence and beauty was slain, which led to the downfall of the gods. Also, around 1000 B.C., Hesiod wrote in “Works and Days” that the thirteenth day is unlucky for sowing, but favorable for planting.

Friday the 13th will happen between one and three times in any given year. This is unfortunate for many sufferers of Paraskavedekatriaphobia, the fear of Friday the 13th. The word derives from the Greek word for Friday "paraskeue" + dekatria "thirteen" (deka "ten" + tria "three;" not "thirteenth," which is "dekatreis") + fobos "fear" + ia.

Psychologists have found that people are more likely to get sick or have an accident on these days due to a heightened level of anxiety, and The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina estimates that in the United States alone, $800 or $900 million is lost in business each Friday the 13th because some people will not travel or go to work.

Still not convinced that Friday the 13th is unlucky? Then remember that the Mayans predicted that the end of the world will occur on October 13, 4772, and guess what, that also happens to fall on a Friday. They believed that we are all living in a fourth world, where the first three were all unsuccessful creations by the gods. This fourth world was predicted to be destroyed by catastrophe and the creation of the fifth world would signal the end of mankind.

9 October 2006

Pleatherface

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates

Review of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

South Park: The Hits, Volume One Director: Trey Parker, Matt Stone Retail Price: $26.99

By Christine Hodinh

A

12

Man of the Year makes it a point to quote a recent study, indicating that more Americans are getting their news from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than Larry King. This study is the rallying cry for the Dobbs campaign, who see this “statistic” as a vindication for a platform based on quips and witty observations.

While political comedians may in fact be the “Gatekeepers of Liberty” that Williams hails, if there’s one thing this film proves it’s that the jester should entertain the king, not sit on his throne.

Still, fans of Robin Williams will be glad to see him return to the comedic roles he is best known for. If you enjoy stand-up comedy, and you’re looking for something that will make you laugh without having to resort to toilet humor, this is definitely your ticket.

-By David Hook

wrongs and our righ ts.

Coming to theaters October 13th is Robin Williams new film, Man of the Year. The film itself is about acerbic comedian Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams), the host of a politically-driven talk show, who ends up running for President and winning. Don’t worry, I haven’t spoiled the ending for you––that’s just the beginning.

Tom Dobbs runs as an independent on a platform that abhors the sort of campaigning that leaves a candidate in debt to special interest groups. Dobbs has his principles put to the test when he learns that his victory was a part of a computer glitch in the new digital voting system.

All told, Man of the Year is an above average comedy.

Comedic veterans Lewis Black, Laura Linny and hallof-fame weird-guy Christopher Walken all complement each other and Robin Williams in the newest satire directed by Oscar winner Barry Levinson (Wag the Dog).

Even with an all-star cast, the film fell short of being “great.” The only noteworthy plot in the film was the election scandal, and it could best be characterized as a less-than-plausible after thought to the comedic soundbytes that dominated the film. The actors could have all gone by their real names in the film, because there was little or no effort made at characterization.

As a satire of the state of our political system, Man of the Year attacks special interest groups, campaign finance, and bi-partisan politics. While Dobbs makes fun of a lot of these, the only solution he offers is that congressmen be selected the same way we do jurors, randomly. “We’d get a much better cross-section,” says Dobbs.

ur of o

Review of Man of the Year starring Robin “Jon Stewart” Williams

rge

The Bicentennial Man of the Year

ha nc si

ventional screeching music and Dutch angles, creating some cause for anxiety and unease but generally falling back on revulsion from Leatherface’s merciless carnage.

The unspeakable horrors performed on the victims are relieved by the film’s well-executed dark humor and surprisingly respectable acting. There is never “nudity for art’s sake” and the plot ties in fairly well to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, leaving many questions answered.

The relationship between the Hewitts is never fully explained, though, adding to the movie’s unsettling, backwoods feel. And unlike many horror films, it’s tough to become too attached to the victims—the fact that this is a prequel dictates that the Hewitts survive.

Despite the gruesome atrocities and worn-out premise, being at least the sixth movie based on the fictional series of events, the film’s clear direction, respectable casting and cinematography that is reminiscent of the original’s rough, unforgiving intensity make up for it reasonably well.

While nowhere near the caliber of the disturbing psychological thrillers of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining or Brian De Palma’s Carrie, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning manages to create an acceptable depiction of early Leatherface et al., from its chilling shrieks to its mangled bodies.

One of the best shows ever has released its best shows ever in one of the best TV-DVD releases…ever. Unlike the random and scattered singledisc Simpsons releases that FOX puts out occasionally (ranging from the excellent Treehouse of Horror ones to random and useless collections of four “party” episodes of the show), Comedy Central and South Park have released a worthwhile smaller set. A perfect alternative to buying 10 $30 season sets (and an even better supplement to doing that) South Park: The Hits Volume 1 collects what many would agree are the shows best ten episodes, along with four bonus episodes.

The playlist was handpicked by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, who say that have “no problem choosing between their children.

The tall, smart, good-looking one––that’s their favorite child.”

From “Trapped in the Closet” (the infamous Tom Cruise episode) to “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” (the infamous Paris Hilton episode), these are some of their tallest, best looking children for sure. The set also includes new Stone/Parker “mini-commentaries” on each episode, with insights into why they picked the episodes and how they’re important in the body of South Park work.

I already own the season sets, but since this was only $15, the new commentaries were worth it, along with the first ever DVD appearance of The Spirit of Christmas.

The Spirit of Christmas was originally commissioned by FOX charge of our days a nd es in exec Brian Graden, who paid M il ou Stone and Parker $2,000 to produce rn ig an animated Christmas card forhts. Mhim. The five minute clip features Jesus and Santa fighting in front of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny (who dies for the first time in the video). The video circulated before falling in front of Comedy Central, who liked it so much they had Stone and Parker develop South Park. Thus, from humble beginnings, a behemoth was born, one that would end up being popular enough to generate a greatest hits DVD, that could include the poorly animated clip in its Special Features.

With great episodes, commentaries, special features, and some spiffy silver packaging, this Greatest Hits collection (do note the Volume One tag) is the perfect beginning to any casual fan’s South Park collection, and the perfect addition to the die-hard fan’s library.

-By Mike Guardabascio ile

side from the bloodcurdling screams, grisly torture sequences, cheap sex scenes and allaround grime, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is not a typical terror fest. No, really.

The Beginning chronicles the events that lead up to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), from the birth of Leatherface to how Old Monty ended up legless.

After the primary job supply, the local slaughterhouse, is closed down in a small Texan town in the summer of 1969, the Hewitt family quickly find themselves alone but vow never to desert their home. Unfortunately, in order to survive, they are forced to resort to cannibalism. That’s dedication.

Meanwhile, in an attempt to have a final shot at fun, two brothers head to Vietnam and their girlfriends take a road trip together. However, they get in a major accident and are stopped by the self-appointed Sheriff Hoyt (R. Lee Ermey), the leader of the Hewitt clan, who takes them to his house for dinner.

So begins a rampage of torture and death upon the unlucky group, orchestrated by Sheriff Hoyt and carried out by his deformed protégé Thomas, who was found in a dumpster as an infant and raised by the Hewitts.

Thomas now begins to explore the full depth of his ruthlessness with the help of the four kids, experimenting with meat hooks and knives before eventually discovering his gift with a chainsaw.

What makes the torture simultaneously nauseating and mesmerizing is that the visual and audio effects are never lacking. Director Jonathan Liebesman with KNB Effects ensured that when anyone got his head smashed in, every damned broken bone was audible and every burst capillary was exposed. In some ways, the torture is almost too graphic, but it certainly doesn’t disappoint.

Drawing parallels to the ongoing war in Vietnam, Liebesman juxtaposes the gritty brutality of combat with the raw, feral instinct of survival to which humans turn when cornered, employing hard cuts and rapid camera movement to create a dizzying sense of fear and adrenaline. At some points, the film resorts to con-

I’ve been away for a while, so I’ll explain this section before we get into it.

Most people, I’m told, do not ingest movie news with the same religious fervor that I do. And that’s fine, because I’m here to filter out the boring bullshit and serve up the best of last week’s big stories. Here we go…

Robert Downey Jr. has been cast as Tony Stark in Jon Favreau’s adaptation of Iron Man. As a nerd and someone that has just recently fallen in love with the character, I couldn’t be happier with this news. Aside from the fact that the character and the actor share a history of substance abuse, Downey’s smart enough to play the role as manipulative and flawed as the character deserves.

Zach Snyder (Dawn of the Dead remake) has been in talks to direct the adaptation of Alan Moore’s Watchmen (a graphic novel that we’ve discussed on more than one occasion in this paper). Recently, he spoke about his plans for the film. “1985’s a problem for people.

The Cold War’s a problem for people. But these are things I’ve been trying to [tell people] would be cool. I like that Richard Nixon is the president in it. I think that’s important. Those kinds of things tell you exactly what kind of movie this is – it’s not Fantastic Four, you know.” While I love that this adaptation sounds like it’s on the right track, don’t forget that this project has been in one stage of development or another for the past twenty years now.

Jim Carrey is having a run of bad luck lately. After having one project fall apart due to a ballooning budget (Used Men), and another sidelined for the same reason (Ripley’s Believe It Or Not), he recently quit A Little Game. The film was set to star Cameron Diaz, but both she and Carrey dropped out of the project as the director, Gabriele Muccino (L’Ultimo Bacio) was fired. Frankly, I could give a fuck.

To discuss any of these topics, head over to www.lbunion.com and leave a comment on our blog.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 October 2006

Reel News The Grudge 2

pull up a stool

PG-13 Columbia Pictures Asian children are everywhere in this sequel to the 2004 global hit, The Grudge. We follow the trail of a girl (Amber Tamblyn) who travels to Tokyo to retrieve her sister (Sarah Michelle Gellar) from a hospital after she has burned down a house that took her to hell and back. As the story continues, the tortured Asian souls who wreaked havoc in the first film are unleashed.

Free from the house that they were once bound to, vengeance is theirs to reign upon any that cross their path.

with ryan kobane

Da Vinci Ristorante

T

here aren’t many things more fulfilling than a fantastic meal.

Being college students, we don’t necessarily characterize most of what we eat as “fantastic”; more filling than fulfilling if you will. While I am no exception to this norm, nearly two months ago, at Da Vinci Ristorante, I was treated to possibly the single best dining experience of my life.

Da Vinci’s inauspicious location just adds to its allure. On the third floor of what can only be called an office building connected to the LB Airport tarmac, there is no sign of this high-class eatery on the outside. But once you step out of the elevator, and into its sheik surroundings, you are instantly aware that you are in for a treat.

From the multi-tiered dining room floor, to the elegant wine cellar, and open kitchen, everything has refined elegance written all over it. Greeted with a smile and a, “right this way,” our night was off to an almost overwhelmingly good start. We were quickly introduced to our waiter, who all night treated us as if we truly belonged there, a pleasant surprise. The service was impeccable all night long.

I started off with the Calamari e Gamberi Frittti, a calamari and prawns dished lightly fried and presented in a spicy tomato vodka martini sauce. Sometimes calamari can end up overcooked when deep fried, leaving the consistency rubbery and not very appetizing; this dish was anything but. The prawns were delicious, and the spicy tomato sauce perfectly complimented the salty seafood morsels they accompanied.

Leaving enough time to enjoy our first course, we were then given the difficult task of choosing one of eleven soups or salads. I decided to go with the Stefano, a signature salad of Di Vinci’s. The spinach salad was tossed with dried cranberries, candied almonds, dry ricotta cheese, and Asian apples, all perfectly coated in a strawberry balsamic dressing. The salad was refreshing to start off, but ended up being a little too sweet for my taste. I tried my girlfriends’ minestrone and immediately regretted my decision of salad over the perfectly home-cooked soup.

The list of pastas ranges from sunrise-shaped broccoli pasta from Toscana, to homemade stuffed ravioli from Lombardia. But when I saw the word gnocchi, my decision was a no-brainer. When

Man of the Year I tell you that this potato dumpling pasta, sautéed with four cheeses and fresh tomatoes may be my favorite pasta dish I have ever had, please believe me. I’ve been to Italy, I’ve eaten some of my families’ best efforts at this very same dish, and nothing has even come close.

The gnocchi was light and airy, and the cheese sauce was as close to perfect as food can possibly be. My night would have been amazing if it ended there, but it was time for my main course, a decision I had been deliberating the entire night.

I went with the 16oz. flame-broiled veal loin porterhouse chop, glazed with brandy-roasted garlic sauce, over grilled radicchio and endive. Heaven; the meat was perfectly medium rare, allowing me to slice through every bite effortlessly. It was moist and flavorful, a perfect finalé.

It should be obvious to you by now that this place isn’t somewhere that you just go to on a whim, like CPK or BJ’s. Da Vinci’s is the kind of restaurant you want to go to when you are sharing a romantic night with that special someone; or when your parents want to take you out to dinner, of course. Head chef and culinary genius, Stefano Colaiacomo has truly created something special at Da Vinci Ristorante, his cuisine expresses deliciously subtle influences, and Stefanos’ artistic presentations are something that if you have the chance to see and taste, will never be forgotten.

2801 East Spring Street, 3rd Floor www.stefanosdavinci.com

PG-13 Universal Pictures

The biggest name in fake news, Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams), decides to make the ultimate political joke by running for president. But who would guess that in a nation held captive by the eerie caress of television, a man of the media would be favored over a man of the people.

The Marine

PG-13 20th Century Fox The WWE’s John Cena takes his in the ring acting to the silver screen. When this Marine is forcibly discharged from duty, he finds a new war at home when his wife is kidnapped by a gang of ruthless criminals. Delivering the fast-paced hard-hitting action we have come to expect from the WWE, if you want mind-numbing senseless violence this weekend, this movie is for you.

On a waiting list?

Get the classes you need at Cerritos College.

General education courses are available at convenient times for a fraction of the CSU tuition cost.

9-week fall session begins October 16.

Register at www.cerritos.edu

Cerritos College

9 October 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

13

Call For Submissions!

Guide to Writing Romantic Poetry

H

ey Creative Writing students, and the other thousands of you who fancy the idea of being a writer; read this article!

The Long Beach Public Library Foundation is putting together an anthology of local authors to benefit the Library.

They’ve got the book and the idea; now they need your words to make it happen. The contest is open to all, and is for about the best cause a writer could find.

The maximum word length for submissions is 300 words, since this book will be aimed at the general public of Long Beach, but they will be accepting submissions in nearly any form, including fiction, essays, blurbs, thoughts, misgivings, literature, biographies, Holy Writ, memoirs, monologues, lyrics, guides, critique, plays, screenplays, observations, indictments, drama, comedy, dissertations, and lore.

When you submit an entry, you may include a photograph or illustration if you’d like, or, if you don’t and your piece is selected for publication, they will have one done for your story. Fifty winners will be selected, making, along with fifty illustrations, a wonderful little 100-page yearbook of Long Beach’s best and brightest.

The book will be on sale beginning December 1st at local coffee shops, art galleries, and, of course, the libraries.

Because it’s coming out so quickly, the deadline is approaching rapidly: October 15th is the final day to submit, but most of you have

14

By Michaël Veremans

cranked out essays much longer than 300 words in a few hours, so time shouldn’t be an issue.

They’re sure to receive plenty of submissions, but CSULB’s presence is lacking; with one of the biggest Creative Writing programs in the area, we need to show off a little, and this is the perfect opportunity.

So, if you’re interested: Send a 300 word (or less) submission of any genre to book@smolarcorp.com (send in Word format), by OCTOBER 15th. There is no limit to how many pieces you can submit, so if you’ve got some dusty old gems, polish them off and send them in. The libraries need you, and this is a great opportunity to start getting your name as a writer out there locally. The winners from the Union’s own Spring 2006 Short Story Contest will be submitted, so be sure to look for our names as well as your own on December 1st, when this ambitious and much-needed project hits the streets.

-By Mike Guardabascio

Talk about lambs and their innocence Say methinks about something Always use God in the plural Always pick nature as your setting Talk about cherishing someone, but make it slightly homosexual Liken death to night and sleeping and life to the day Claim that the peasants are happy Talk about some abstract longing Begin every line with O! Make some obscure Mythological reference It must rhyme at all costs Talk about the sound a specific bird makes Talk about the ancient days and immortality Always capitalize Beauty and Joy Refer to leopards as pards Center your theme on some natural event like wind or a storm Use Shakespearian English even though it’s outdated Describe something as azure or starry Somehow claim that you’re modest Talk about your soul being a shipwrecked schooner Always use exclamation points with dialogue Say you sing instead of write poetry

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 October 2006

IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas

Audiobook Read By Author Chuck Klosterman Reviewed By Katie Wynne

There is a quote on the back of the new Klosterman audio book that reads, “Mr. Klosterman makes good, smart company.”

The New York Times wants you to think that Chuck is the kind of guy you invite to a bar to impress you friends, and try to convince them that you too know intellectuals, funny ones to boot. Yeah, this guy is pretty much the nerdy rock-star journalist that everyone wants to be.

What the New York Times doesn’t tell before you load this book onto your iPod or Walkman, ghetto blaster or whatever, is that Chuck is not the kind of guy you want to listen to. His voice is eerily reminiscent of Quentin Tarantino; not the kind of soothing storyteller that Morgan Freeman is. Voice aside, what he has to say is pretty damn good.

The book is split up into three sections where he examines truth, possible truth, and the opposite of truth. Basically it is a remembrance of his articles published in Esquire, Spin and GQ wherein he examines contemporary society and the bullshit that we live in. Personally I found truth the most intriguing.

His interview with Britney Spears is an amazing look into the business that is this

paparazzi favorite. His questions were so wisely and intricately answered by her, which he explains was what made her so marvelously perfect as an enterprise in and of herself. He also covers an interview he did with actor Val Kilmer that took place on a ranch in Mexico.

By far the best interview with a delusional and self-worshiping person I have ever heard/ read.

There is no denying Klosterman’s skill as an interviewer, but what about as an observer of the world? Well, did you know that he was actually the first one to do the fast food experiment? For seven days straight he ate nothing but McNuggets and documented his health and attitude afterward. Naturally, in the book he gives some insight to the validity of Fast Food Nation and Super Size Me’s messages.

To be honest, the moments when he is not quoting from his earlier published articles seem a little contrived to me, and his voice doesn’t help the matter. I would say that if you are a fan of his writing just keep on reading him, but if you are looking for someone to bring along to impress your friends, stick with Tarantino. He has an awesome forehead.

Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders

By Neil Gaiman William Morrow Publishers 360 pages, $26.95

words of explanation from the #1 New York Times Bestselling Author himself.

Neil Gaiman has written Reviewed By countless introductions.

Shar Higa Maybe you read this one, maybe you don’t. If you do, you’re rewarded with amusing anecdotes and fascinating insights, as It is a beautiful book. You know that well as contextual information on each of the before you even open it. On the glossy stories and poems in the book. There is one white cover are printed in brilliant purples thing that he says, which he calls his credo, and teals a broken butterfly, two perfect that you should know before reading on: “I snowflakes, a human heart. A translucent believe we owe it to each other to tell stories.” overlay with a broken eggshell in one corner And you realize that that’s what makes has the title of the book, which is embossed every Neil Gaiman book worth reading, in thick black type so you can run your even the ones that don’t immediately jump fingers over it and feel its substance: Fragile into your hands as you pass them in the Things. It is a beautiful book, a gorgeous aisle at Borders. Because Neil Gaiman book, even before you crack the cover and is committed to the art of storytelling. hear that satisfying crack—the sound of a Fantasies are pulled from his mind, from new purchase that’s about to make your life the collective imagination, from that a just little bit more magical. place between waking and dreaming, and You open the cover (careful to put off they become realer than real. Memories that lamentable first crease in the spine for are transformed from back-corner-attic another few days) and flip past the blue cobwebs into vivid tableaus, all grays and flyleaf, and open to the introduction, the yellows under the sodium gaslamps of

Gaiman’s childhood. And even stories that you’ve heard before, fairytales and horror stories, are reworked and remodeled, becoming new stories that live and breath and haunt you at night when you think you’re alone.

Most of these stories and poems have appeared previously in collections and magazines (two were written for McSweeney’s anthologies). There’s a Lovecraftian Sherlock Holmesish murder mystery that’s expertly crafted to walk in both styles. An oddly disturbing and erotic story called “How Do You Think It Feels?” is about a man who puts a gargoyle over his heart to protect him from “beautiful women with blue-green eyes and from ever feeling anything again.” And there’s a brilliant novella revisiting Shadow, Mr. Wednesday’s hired man from Gaiman’s masterful novel, American Gods.

There are a hundred reasons for you to pick up this book and run your fingers over its titles and put that first crease in its spine. I’ll leave you with this one: a month in which a new Neil Gaiman book comes out is a good month, and every day is better for having been shaped by his storytelling.

Destined for Destiny

The Unauthorized Autobiography

By George W. Bush (with an assist from Scott Dikkers and Peter Hilleren) Simon and Schuster 166 pages

ribbon prize on the cover: “As seen on TheOnion.com”.

That’s right: this potentially Reviewed By bland book was written Mike in part by Scott Dikkers, Guardabascio the editor-in-chief of The Onion.

Destined for Destiny is a deceptively Aside from the fact that the cover should funny book; I say deceptively because, if have made the quality of this book more you judge the book by its cover, it looks like obvious, attempts at realism aside, there is a cookie cutter spoof of the fact that the little to nothing wrong with Destined for president is stupid. Looking at it, you get the Destiny. The book follows George W. Bush impression that there might be a few jokes as he struggles through his “strugglesome in it that would make you laugh, but that youth,” managing to overcome a healthy it would overall be kind of a waste of time. helping of idiocy to…well, you probably In fact, when I first picked it up out of our know by now that he’s president. You will review cabinet, I was hesitant. rise and fall with Bush, and relive what he Then I noticed the fine print on the fake calls the “finest hour” of his presidency:

9 October 2006

September 11, 2001. You’ll also learn plenty about the love of Bush’s life: Jesus (and there’s some really funny stuff about “the clown-faced zombie” that he’s married to).

This book is worth any price you could pay for it; it’s up there with The Daily Show’s America: The Book, and John Hodgman’s Areas of My Expertise as one of the funniest books to come out in recent memory. But if reading’s not your thing, first let me congratulate you on getting this far, and second, let me direct your attention to the audiobook version of this book, which the people at Simon and Schuster were kind enough to send along as well. The Bush impersonator, the same guy who does his voice on WeeklyRadioAddress. com, is absolutely hilarious, and a joy to listen to even if you’ve already read the book.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Must Present Coupon cannot combine with any other offer exp 10/30/06

15

Photo by Micheal Yee

[Creative Arts] Block

Katrina Prow

A huge brick wall stands red before me.

It calls me stupid, laughs at my ideas, and tells me, Give up.

They don’t like you.

You’re toast.

Each day the wall grows taller and wider until I cannot see the few things that are my inspiration.

My mother’s covered by cement, there’s a late night lust calling to me between bricks, and the soothing melodies of classical piano is muffled by construction.

A bigger wall.

The wall stretches out so far that it reaches my hometown.

Farm fields are mowed down to a dirt plateau so even larger buildings can arise.

This great wall dashes down south to beaches too.

Three summers worth of rum waves are stopped by a giant dam- my enemy wall.

It inflates towards my miserable job and east to my European heritage.

Hammering my dick It chokes my fears Inside her road to our happiness and knocks over my triumphs.

She screams unwanted It teases my brother Like scared crows on the telephone pole and smashes my roommates.

I closed my eyes to vision It comes between me Someone else underneath me and my future, As I felt out of touch crushing my creative growth.

No sound echoed in the coffin It takes over my life, Of my ears, not even her ghostly whispers this huge solid block, I have became the deaf man eating everything in its path While the blind man in my witness until I have nothing left to write about.

In this guilty sin We both came loudly As her body shook the table Spoons fell, and two forks, so did the plastic knife That she was using to cut her birthday cake, About ten minutes ago.

I carried her to her show white bed Where we made love before To look at her Her eyes, two green lakes floating calm I joined her in bed And we slept on one pillow Our dream was silent And so was my cold heart.

Unnoticed

Sun rays flow through scattered leaves Laid in mosaic high above Where feathery branches alleviate The suffering of a thousand moons

As the rushing waters tumbling down Drown the night in subtle darkness Where before the fates celestial Had held a more beneficent gaze Yet now the cold and shivering earth In glory and hypocrisy Is all we’ve left to learn to love Pleading to myths in desperation While the branches part more fluidly As the winds blow lightly over And the sun, our tyrant of the ages Casts beams of brilliance on the grass Unnoticed, unknown, and untamed.

Jared Kenelm Collins

Freedom of the Flesh

Philip Vargas

Darkness caresses the moonlight Entwined in a never ending dance Music of the eternal plays through the still night air Awaiting the eager ears of entangled entities Forbidden from the light of day Cursed by the dawn of the night Two forms slink through the twilight Embraced in an undeniable unity Steady pulse Coursing back and forth Rush of internal fire Duel hearts beating as one Sweet invocative scent of innocence Stumbling gestures of inexperience Gentle caress of tenderness Forceful tension of unchained passion Electric energy surges Flesh flows over flesh Volcanic heat of liquid fire erupts Short gasps of air and ecstasy One moment An eternity A second Time is lost The world falls away Time doesn’t exist Sights, sounds, senses overwhelmed All that matters is the one All that exists is the other Euphoric release of life’s essence Steadiness Silence Peace

Lucid Sensation

Omid Mousaei

Illustration by Jimmy Dinh

16

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 October 2006

[Comics] Life and Times By Lewis Grey

Tom By Andrew Wilson

Rules For Action By Christopher Troutman

Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

kookoo.monsquad.com

Graveyard By Guiliano

Across 1- Rude person 5- Unearthly 10- Keep it, to an editor 14- Impulse to act 15- Capital of Vietnam 16- Central part 17- Ridge of rock 18- Lowermost deck 19- Oil-rich Islamic theocracy

neighboring Iraq 20- Pen name 22- Sumptuous meal 23- Distress signal 24- Play on words 25- Showy 29- Outer coat 33- Implements 34- Single entity 36- Therefore

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

9 October 2006

37- Long-sleeved linen vestment 38- Penniless 39- Breach 40- Decree 42- Carry 43- Become less intense, die off 45- Small opening 47- Person who drives a

wagon 49- Male sheep who may play football for St Louis!

50- Zip 51- Set straight 54- Philanderer 60- Travel on 61- Uncovered 62- Meadow mouse 63- Encounter 64- To talk, usually in a pompous manner 65- Exclamation to express sorrow 66- Figure (out) 67- Plant tissue 68- Tirade Down 1- Dinner faux-pas 2- Minerals 3- Double curve 4- Option 5- Loud, rushing noise 6- Acquire through work 7- Inwardly 8- Chamber 9- Immerse 10- Systematically arranged body of facts 11- When said three times, a

1970 war movie 12- Periods of history 13- Portable shelter 21- Improvised bed 22- Fine hair 24- Golf stroke 25- Employees 26- Salk’s conquest 27- Like lungs 28- Klondike territory 29- Tendon 30- Church instrument 31- Playing marble 32- Hard drinker 35- It may be picked 38- Stalk 41- Goals 43- Not fer 44- Monetary unit of Venezuela 46- Adult male 48- Head garland 51- Upper limbs, weapons 52- Stead 53- Mid-month times 54- Watchful 55- Spoken 56- Allot 57- French novelist 58- Dash 59- Repose 61- Spar

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Easy

Hard

17

[Comics] Your Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

数 独

123 456 789 prizesudoku.com Easy

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FRE E.

Play more Sudoku and

The Sudoku Source of

win prizes at:

“LB Union”.

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com

Hard

Daily Specials

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: Monday Night Football $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

Weekends: Football! Football! Football!

Saturdays: Your Home for Irish Football!

Sundays: NFL action all day long.

We’ve got every football game from College to NFL!

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 18

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 October 2006

VOLUME 59

SHAFOLEY MYSTERY

ISSUE 7

GRUNION EXCLUSIVE: Senator Foley’s Instant Messages Unveiled Grunion Messenger Grunion Messenger

Ahh, Hello? Still Being Tortured Here

By Hamzah al-Kazim GRUNION 3/5 OF A PERSON For the last few days, the news has been dominated by the story of a Republican Congressman having dirty conversations with little boys, and that’s interesting and all, but I thought you might like to know that I’ve had this hood bolted around my neck for the last 72 hours.

The big news the previous week was that of Republican senators going against party lines and objecting to the Bush administration’s stance on the Geneva Convention. John McCain, himself a victim of torture, and John Warner both decried the President’s wish to interpret article three of the Geneva Convention according to his own needs. This story has, of course, been eclipsed by Foley’s illicit conversations. Line C, of paragraph one, of article three prohibits any “outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment.” I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but I’ve got about 10 volts of outrages-upon-personal-dignity attached to my balls right now.

By now, everyone who wants to has read the transcripts of Mark Foley’s instant message conversation. He uses lots of typical IM abbreviations, like BRB, LOL, and the like. I don’t think that there’s a waterboarding abbreviation. Maybe it should be GRGL OMG! I guess I’m just feeling ignored. There’s a lot of time to fill when you are forced to stay awake for days at a time, so I guess I think about it a lot. I know that a conversation between a Republican Congressman and a 16-year-old boy with lines like, “cute butt bouncing in the air,” is a juicy news story, but I’ve got some juicy lines too. Like, sometimes I have to put my butt in the air – and then keep it there for a few hours. It’s called a “stress position,” and usually I have to be naked. See? Totally hot.

Brb…my interrogator is yelling.

Back. Man, those dogs are scary. Anyway, while the American people are getting their collective jollies off the abbreviated ramblings of a confused young man and the misspelled perversions of a hypocritical congressman, I’m here – still – getting hosed down and smeared with menstrual blood.

So where does that leave us? I’m not really sure. But I’m not sure about a lot of things. Like why I’m here, or what rights I have, or when this horrific purgatory will end. But I can take solace in the fact that I, and my fellow detainees, have something in common with Representative Foley: Congress still isn’t sure whether or not they’ll try us for a crime.

Maf54: Where are you right now??

Teen: sittin Indian stylez in my livin room watchin saved belldo it face down Maf54:by do the you really Boy: ya Maf54: OoooOOOoo Maf54: kneeling Teen: how bout u babycakes Boy: well I don’t use my hand…I use the bed itself Maf54: just touchin my self, were doing some votingMaf54: and where its super do you unload it Boy: towel boring Maf54: really Teen: I wish I had your job its important and stuff lolMaf54: completely naked?

Boy: well ya Maf54: Yeah but theres no cute guys around. Lyke you.

Maf54: very nice Teen: your so funny sugar tits Boy: lol Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air Maf54 : How fluffy are your pubes???

Boy: haha Teen: OMG SO RANDOM! ROFL!11!

Boy: well I’ve never watched myself Grunionanswer Messenger Maf54: Hahaha. me.

Boy: but ya I guess Teen: I don't know I trim em n stuff. If I let em go wild theyd be Maf54: do you really do it face down lyke 2 inches long.

Grunion Messenger Boy: ya Maf54: Maf54: Mmmmmm big boy kneeling Teen: I know tehehehehehe Boy: well I don’t use my hand…I use the bed itself Maf54: How was your day kitten cheeks???

Grunion Messenger Maf54: where do you unload it Teen: Totally tiring. I had lyke 3 tests adn then soccer practise after Boy: towel Maf54: really words.

Maf54: Where are you right now??

Maf54: completely naked?

Maf54: Mmmmnm soccer makes me horny. i coudnt hide ny boner Teen: sittin Indian Boy: well ya stylez in my livin room watchin saved by the bell under thos baggy shorts Maf54: very nice Maf54: OoooOOOoo Boy: lol Teen: how bout u babycakes Teen: your so silly. ;-) 3=======D----->.< Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air Maf54: Maf54: just touchin my self, were doingok some voting and its super Boy: haha Teen: IM SO SWEATY!1! ARG!11 boring Boy: well I’ve never watched myself Maf54: I bet Boy: but ya I guess Teen: I wish I had your job its important andyou stuffsmell lol nice. im drinkin sume arrowhead right now, i wish it was yur sweat thou ...

Maf54: Yeah but theres no cute guys around. Lyke you.

Teen: your so funny sugar tits Teen: u sure theres not any vodcka in that water bottle?

Maf54: hush...im not supossed to tell hehe lol Maf54 : How fluffy are your pubes???

Teen: can i hav sum?

Teen: OMG SO RANDOM! ROFL!11!

Maf54: do u put your finger in your butt when you jerk it?

Maf54: Hahaha. answer me.

Teen:If hunh? you theyd have work Teen: I don't know I trim em n stuff.

I let emdont go wild be to do lover?

Maf54: yeah...hehehe. lyke 2 inches long.

Maf54: tell me now.

Maf54: Mmmmmm big boy Teen: I know tehehehehehe Maf54: Im a powerful man.

Teen: ummm wood u want me 2 Maf54: voting. gotta go brb Teen: <huggsies>

Look, Here’s the Thing…

By Mark Foley GRUNION OPINIONIST

I

sorta kinda had to do it. I mean, I know, everyone had some rough stuff going on in their childhood, but check this out: I was molested by a priest as we jumped out the window of one of the burning Twin Towers before Hurricane Katrina swept us off to Guantanamo Bay. It’s been a rough life, dig? So yes, I’m really sorry that now I have a 17 year-old boy fetish, and that I really love big dicks. Does that make me a sicko? No; it makes me a 45 yearold woman. Which, by the way, I really am.

I’m also the real killer, the real deal Holyfield, and the reincarnated soul of John Lennon, in no particular order. I mean, when you get to the heart of the matter, what am I but an alien consciousness floating within this all-too human sack of flesh with its all-too-human desires? Nothing. Nothing except

the Wizard of Oz. And neither are you, middle America, so don’t judge me. You’re all closet homosexual pedophile flower picking elephant humpers, too.

And now my party is selling me out, calling me crazy. Well I say, they can shove it up their asses.

And I further say, I would really enjoy watching. It doesn’t matter what they shove up there; it could be a chicken, a telephone, or, maybe, just maybe, a gorgeous, young, supple but firm 17 ½ inch teenaged penis. Oh glorious, frabjous day, what a sight that would be.

In summation: please stop trying to kill me. I’m a victim of circumstance, too much wine, and an abundance of beautiful young men. And my horrible life. And the fact that I’m batshit crazy (this is a real diagnosis pronounced upon me when I began bathing in batshit). But if I could stress one thing, it would be this: I did not kill JonBenet. I think. Yeah, I’m I CAN’T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE: We were merely freshmen. pretty sure.

VOLUME 59

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

ISSUE 7

Racist Tree Segregates Colored Leaves See HELL SILVERSTEIN Page 7

CHEVY CHASERS

Breast Cancer Rally Raises Spirits, Cocks

Headlines Madonna: ‘I Want THAT One!’

Tragedy Churns Amish Community

SNAKES ON A PLAIN: Why live this way?

Oprah Takes In Homeless Youth

By The Nothing

GRUNION EDITOR-IN-QUEEF

O

n her current tour Madonna can be seen being crucified and raped, as well as bathed by a donkey, who is reportedly named “Mr. Sass A. Frass.” It now seems that Madonna wants something new, and what fans can expect is a circus of AIDSinfected African orphans.

Madonna announced in August her plans to donate $3 million towards building an orphanage in Malawi where 1,000 African children would receive food and shelter. Last Wednesday an African official reported that the pop-icon had adopted a baby boy, but the statement was denied hours later by Madonna’s rep, who stated, “Hold up! That is a lie. Madonna hasn’t adopted; she has chosen her cast.”

“I really want to make people think, ya know?” asked Madonna. “What is more powerful than dressing these poor children up in pink lace and having them defecate on the stage?” Madonna went on to explain that most of her plans for the performance are still confidential: “I want the audience to really take in the experience and the music.”

While African officials are still being vague regarding what actually happened during the diva’s special visit, an old man on the street saw what happened when Madonna arrived at a village in Malawi. “She came in to this village,” he remembered, “wearing strange cones on her chest. She looked like a very strange person.”

OILY MADGE DISCHARGE Madonna’s womb was a rocky place, where my seed could find no purchase.

The old man continued saying that she, “would walk down the path and point at children she wanted to take with her, others she would just step over like puddles of dirty water. She looked like a very strange person.”

Ten children in all have been reported as taken into the star’s custody.

The $3 million donated is now being debated as “hush money” given to the Malawi government for their cooperation and support. “She wants us to build an orphanage in her name,” stated President Mutharika. “We are supposed to teach Kabballah. I am looking forward to it being a sort of African Hogwart’s.” Only 1,000 of the nation’s children will be housed in the new

United States Misunderstands North Korea’s Intent

Congress Calls Bullshit On BigDicked Teen

By Uncle Feeb

OPRAH’S BOX CLUB: We found this picture by Googling “penis vagina party.”

GRUNION DEATH METAL FAN

Vin Diesel Squanders Fortune On Palm-Aide

By Avocado Bean Dip

GRUNION CHEDDITOR-’N-BEEF

DICK FAG: This space is reserved for dick fags.

facility, and Madonna will also choose these select few. “She has an idea of what she wants to accomplish,” finished Mutharika, “At least some will be saved.”

Madonna was seen with a group of children days later in a field by the same old man. “I followed her around because I like the cones,” he admitted, “but I saw her on one child’s back licking his open wounds.

Then she whipped another with a cane and yelled, ‘You are my lucky star little thing!’ I was confused, but maybe American people will want to watch this strangeness.”

While reports on the matter continue to conflict, you can look for updates in the upcoming weeks.

This past week, the United States gave rogue nation North Korea a stern warning not to continue with nuclear bomb testing when Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill told reporters, “We are not going to live with a nuclear North Korea.”

When asked to comment on the United States’ warning, North Korean film-buff Kim Jong Il responded, “Oh, so you think

nuclear bomb all about America, huh?

Well, think again America! Without nuclear North Korea, no one lives! We’re not going to waste our superior weaponry on lousy Americans! Unless you’ve forgotten, there’s a big asteroid heading right toward us, and unless Ben Affleck somehow saves the day, we’re all doomed! Doomed!”

Before stepping down from the milkcrate behind his podium, Il continued, ”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch the end of Armageddon.”

Republican Congressman Mark Foley recently resigned due to allegations of inappropriate Internet conversations with a minor, after transcripts of the conversations were leaked to the press this week. But some GOP officials, as well as Foley’s lawyers, are crying foul over the validity of the boy’s claims.

In the transcript, Rep. Foley asks the boy the length of his penis. “Get a ruler and measure it for me,” he said. The boy went on to respond that his penis was seven and a half inches long. “Yeah right,” said David Roth, Foley’s attorney. “Like a teenager has a dick that big, give me a break.”

“This is all such a huge mistake on my part,” said Foley. “I really should have known that this kid was full of shit when he said he had balls the size of light bulbs. What was I thinking?”

House majority leader Dennis Hastert has said that this is all just a Democratic ploy. “All signs point to the Democrats being behind this,” said Hastert. “This sort of explicit talk about dolphin-skinned, big-dicked teenagers is just the sort of tripe the Democrats try to entice us with.

Why does it always work? Why?!”

In the transcript the boy went on to say that he’s got a “totally hot girlfriend,” but that she lives in Minnesota. “You wouldn’t know her.”

Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to Fancylash@ lbunion.com if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.