[Issue 59.8] Beer is Proof That God Loves Us Letter from the Editor It is no small secret that the Union Weekly as an organization is a fan of beer. We’ve dedicated no less than three issues in the past year to our favorite elixir, not including an innumerable amount of mentions and references to our drinking habits in other issues. It’s not like we can help it; beer fuels our creative process and makes us more attractive and witty. This week, for our secondannual DrunktoBeerfest special, we sent our foreign correspondent Michaël Veremans halfway across the globe to cover Oktoberfest first-hand, because honestly, why should those sausage-stuffing, lager-loving Germans have all the fun? As you’ll see on page 10, Michaël had enough fun for the rest of us. It’s a shame he had to travel half way across the globe though. For all the partying, revelry, and history associated with Oktoberfest, I personally don’t see any reason that America couldn’t out-toberfest the Germans. But I guess that’s what happens when we refuse to celebrate beer for all it’s done for our nation. Don’t let those myths about the founding fathers fool you: aside from wearing powdered wigs and buckled shoes, those guys were serious beer drinkers. Samuel Adams, as the beers bearing his name proudly proclaim, was a “Brewer, Patriot,” in that order. The man helped organize the Boston Tea Party, which was essentially the nation’s first TPing. I’m sure if he would have had access to some high-quality, doublequilted Charmin back then, the British would have had a lot more than soggy tea-bags to worry about. The title of this letter is a quote from Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, and further proves that hypocritical conservatives responsible for higher drinking ages, social stigmas, prohibitions, and light beers are turning our beloved beverage into some sort of devil’s
drink. If “beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to prosper,” then restrictions in any form are not only unpatriotic, but blasphemous as well. So I raise my glass to you, my readers and fellow Americans, in hopes that you never forget what our Founding Fathers were truly fighting for. * * * Remember these great words the next time it’s your turn to toast: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” –Ernest Hemingway “May your glass be ever full, May the roof over your head be always strong, And may you be in heaven Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.” “Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking. If you cheat, may you cheat death. If you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart. If you fight, may you fight for a brother. And if you drink, may you drink with me.” “To high treason. That’s what these men were committing when they signed the Declaration. Had we lost the war, they would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and-Oh! Oh, my personal favorite-and had their entrails cut out and burned!” –Ben Gates (Nicholas Cage, National Treasure) “Here’s to you and here’s to me, May we never disagree, But if we do, the hell with you, Here’s to me!” “May you live all the days of your life”
-Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
Poety Slam Competition This Tuesday This Tuesday, October 17th, there will be a Poetry Slam competition in the USU Press Room (bottom floor) from 8-10pm. This is a competition unlike any traditional open-mic poetry night where audience members sit quietly and watch poets read their work. Poetry Slam is just the opposite. Instead of individuals, there are teams of poets. Each poet on a team has three minutes to take the stage to perform using only their creativity and quick wits. There are no props, no costumes and no musical instruments. The other twist to this competition is that audience members are a major part of the show. They are free to show their love for poets or boo them off stage. This means poets must be quick-thinking, have major creativity, show a competitive edge and most of all have a thick skin. Poets with stage fright need not apply. This competition is part of larger national competition, and Poetry Slam is in collaboration with Association of College Unions International (ACUI) and the USU Program Council. In the past, CSULB has participated and competed on a national level. Also, don’t forget to check out the Union Weekly Slam Poetry podcasts on www.lbunion.com.
Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Erin Hickey Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design
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Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent
Remember to Register to Vote CSULB is part of the American Association of State Colleges and Universities multi-state non-partisan project to register 40,000 young voters this election year. 2006 is the biggest year ever for youth-oriented voter mobilization during a midterm election. Campaigns simply cannot ignore young voters! According to Census Bureau figures, by 2015 Generation Y voters (ages 18-38) will make up 37.8% of the U.S. electorate. In 2004, turnout among 18-24 year olds increased an unprecedented 11 percentage points over 2000 levels (from 36% to 47%), nearly three times the overall electorate’s turnout increase (U.S. Census Bureau). It’s time for candidates and campaigns to target young people and turn them out in November. Have you registered to vote yet? If you don’t register to vote by October 23, 2006, you can’t vote in this year’s national election on Tuesday, November 7th. Register to vote before it’s too late. You can register by going to www.csulb.edu/sld and clicking on Voter Registration Information.
–Jeff Klaus
Our Cover in the Making
Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Izzett Business Manager
Director of Student Life and Development
Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Kevin Ferguson, Jimmy Dinh, Michael Yee, Eric Bryan, Art Montoya, Wesley Whitehead, Omid Mousaei, Cynthia Romanowski, Julio Salgadas, Cori Salinas, Jenny Long, Charlene Galicia
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Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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16 October 2006
Opinions
Don’t Get So Fucking Offended
With Oktober Fest gearing up, we know most of you are reading this drunk. So this week we’ll forego the explanation and just lay out the facts, Guinness Book of World Records style: There are more water molecules in a cup of water than there are cups of water in the whole world. This means that you currently share blood with some of the world’s greatest scholars such as Shakespeare and Einstein. This also means everyone at the Union Weekly has pissed in your breakfast cereal multiple times. Now you know why you hate us. * * * There are more bacterial cells in your skin than you have skin cells, and yet your personality still manages to be what women find most repulsive. * * * Most mathematicians suspect that if you had a computer calculate out pi and opened it up in a text processor you would find in it exact transcripts of every conversation you’ll ever have in your entire life. If you opened it up in a graphics processor you’d find pictures of your grandparents doing it in positions you’ve never even heard of. If you opened it in an audio processor it would play every song that will ever be recorded. Don’t tell the RIAA though, or they might outlaw circles. * * * Close to one-sixteenth of all prisoners in all the world’s jails are US citizens who were busted for drug-related charges. That’s over half a million people. The average cost of one of these prisoners is close to $22,000 a year. That means we could save over $11,000,000,000 a year if we were to act logically and do away with the drug laws that send these people to jail...and instead give them the death penalty! * * * According to some interpretations of quantum mechanics, all objects everywhere are touching at all times. This means our articles have touched the hearts and minds of people the world over. If you believe in the “it’s only gay if the balls touch” rule, this also means you’ve been gay with every man alive.
Continued on page 4
16 October 2006
By Mike Guardabascio
F
Managing Editor
uck. Shit. Cunt. Say these words (especially successively) in most situations you find yourself in, and you’re liable to get yourself into deep shit. You can’t say them in class, probably can’t say them around some or all of your friends, most of your family, and I’m almost positive you can’t say them at work, unless you’re lucky enough to work for The Union. When you say them, you’ll see shocked faces, and maybe a fainted old lady or two. What I want to know is: why? The English language is not some monster from outer space who arrived on the planet to terrorize us. It’s a system of representative letters and words designed specifically for the benefit of human beings; language exists so we can communicate, cooperate, and interact better with one another. It’s made up of 26 letters, borrowed from the Latin alphabet over 1500 years ago. Those letters, which are just objective symbols constructed for everyone to learn, know, and recognize, can be placed in different orders to form different words, words which can and will convey different meanings and emotions. But the words are practically nonexistent; they carry no power, weight, or substance of their own. What I’m trying to say is, if an angry man cuts you off on Bellflower and screams, “FUCK YOU!” out the window, you should be offended. But you should only be offended by,
first, his actions (cutting you off), and, second, the emotion he was trying to convey (anger/ hatred). Those are the emotions he put behind the word “fuck.” In other cases, the word fuck, just like all words, can be used to convey emotions or meanings that should not offend anyone. To say that a movie was “fucking great” conveys not just a positive emotion, but an extreme positive emotion; why should anyone be offended by that? I argue that an inherent classism can be found in taking offense at words. You can see even worse prejudices in offense, as well; Americans find the word “cunt” to be perhaps the most offensive word in the language, at least more offensive than “cock,” its male counterpart. I think this belies an inherent sexism in the country, and perhaps a fear of female empowerment; cunt is just a four letter word meant to represent a woman’s genitals. What could possibly be offensive about that, unless you’re saying that the genitals are offensive? Cunt is a word used frequently in other English speaking countries, but it’s used rarely in America because of how many people (including a number of women) go along with tradition and are offended blindly and causelessly by it. If you feel the need to be offended by a word, I’d go with “vagina,” a much more offensive word in its construction as its Latin roots come from the word “scabbard.” Classism, as I mentioned earlier, can be seen as an inherent part of being offended by words. “Polite circles” deem words like “fuck”
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wholly offensive, no matter how they are used. In other words, they find those words beneath them; there is also a conception that the people who cuss the most are the impoverished, a conception furthered by nearly every form of media (this is an image that goes back hundreds of years). Coupled, this indicates to me that the “polite” part of society sees curse words as filthy, fit for people beneath them, whose mouths are as dirty as their fingernails. There’s also the issue of pejorative language (in particular racist slurs); in this case, there is a lot more gray area, and it’s a subject that deserves its own article, which I hope to get around to writing soon. My main point, which is difficult to articulate, is this: language, including the “offensive” words, was constructed by human beings, to be used by human beings. It doesn’t make logical sense to be offended by the presence of words created for communication. To be offended by, and to not use, a subset of the language you speak seems a little to me like being offended by a room of your house, and refusing to ever enter it, or even to acknowledge its existence. Everyone reading this speaks the English language, or at least understands it: don’t be afraid to speak the whole thing. So I beg you, the next time you’re offended by a word, or you see someone who is, ask yourself: what’s the big fucking deal? Questions? Comments? Mike Guardabascio can be reached at mike@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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[Opinions]
Believe This Continued from page 3
Multiculturalism at the Beach By F. King Alexander The F*King President
CSULB has recently been afforded a wonderful opportunity to enhance services to its growing Latino student population. The university’s designation as a Hispanic Serving Institution (HSI) has come as a result of considerable effort on the part of several key faculty and other members of the university community. The campus will receive a $570,000 annual planning grant for five years that will allow a steering committee to further refine the guiding principles, activities, and key initiatives to be implemented during the next five years. More specifically, the resources will allow the university to initiate a number of important activities for Latino students, including the enhancement of academic advising and mentoring opportunities, professional development for faculty and staff to develop more culturally relevant advising and instructional strategies, and institutional research assistance to better measure and follow Latino student academic progress. Securing the HSI planning grant for the university comes at a point when key indicators suggest that CSULB is making important progress in serving its Latino student population. There has been a
steady increase in the enrollment of Latino undergraduate students, growing from 6,323 in 2001 to 7,496 in 2005. The one-year retention rates for both first-time freshmen and transfer Latino students also improved to 80.0% and 91.3% respectively. Furthermore, the six-year graduation rates for first-time Latino freshmen and four-year graduation rates for transfer Latino students improved by 15% and 12.5% respectively during the 5 year period that began in 1999. In fact, these increases have helped CSULB’s graduation rates for Latino students exceed that of the national average for public universities. While these indicators suggest that the university is making remarkable progress in the provision of quality services to many students, more focused efforts directed toward improvements to the university’s infrastructure should yield even greater results. Additionally, the university is constantly looking to improve these trends for all traditionally underrepresented students as well. From a different perspective, however, the university must carefully develop its HSI activities to ensure that we do not compromise the values and principles inherent in the mission of a great public university. At its roots, CSULB remains a diverse, comprehensive university that
seeks ways, in its methods and practices, to promote inclusion for each unique population we serve. To that end the various sets of programs developed under the aegis of the HSI grant will seek to be inclusive and will not embrace exclusionary practices that may be deemed impractical for a public higher education institution such as ours. The separate but equal mandate that was struck down by the United States Supreme Court in the 1954 Brown v Board of Education decision came as a result of a failed experiment in our nation from which we have yet to fully recover. We have learned much from this and other lessons throughout the history of our nation which demonstrated that neo-conservative ideals that segregate societies should be avoided at all costs. This is the inception of a grant that we hope will lead to improved retention services, innovative classrooms and other campus life experiences, campus internships and employment opportunities, and continuous improvement in the building of a campus culture that remains focused on student success. Finally, these initiatives will provide the university community with increased chances to work together to build a more welcoming environment for Latino and other students throughout the university.
Foley’s Filthy Folly By Kevin Ferguson Contributor
So the story broke through ABC and now not only is Congressman Mark Foley (RFL) kicked out of the house (with the locks changed on the doors, no less), but, more importantly, now Democrats would have to try, and try hard, to not gain control of the House in November. The scandal is playing out pretty typically. The only exception is the fortunate timing: liken it to the movie Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman. In this case Foley would be the infected monkey that makes young congressional pages feel “sick, sick, sick, sick, sick,” as one boy wrote regarding Foley’s overtly sexual emails. Then House Speaker Dennis Hastert, of course, would be Kevin Spacey’s character (Casey Schuler) who, in a classic cinematic flub, mishandles the situation and becomes equally at risk. Naturally, the Democrats are Morgan Freeman (General Ford) who, along with the army, wants to bomb the whole town (house and senate takeover!) to eliminate the virus (corruption!). The metaphor falls apart there (who’s
Dustin Hoffman going to be?) but still seems surprisingly apt and gets the point across that virtually anybody who’s had contact with the Foley scandal is in deep shit. Apparently an effective quarantine, at least if you’re Rep. Thomas Reynolds, is to surround yourself with children at press conferences and refuse to let them leave: make the topic taboo! What rational reporter would ask about pedophilic emails in front of children? Obviously, the Foley scandal brings back memories of the Lewinsky affair, as it should. Like “Monicagate,” the only scandalous thing about it at first was the sex act, which in and of itself isn’t that bad, or incriminating, considering what else we’ve caught politicians doing. What got Clinton impeached was when he was put on the stand and got caught on a perjury charge. Gotcha! And likewise: Foley acting alone wasn’t what got Hastert and Reynolds mired in the scandal, it was the fact that they both knew about the emails, but neither did anything about them until ABC broke the story. Given the above comparison, I find myself at a philosophical impasse: in the Lewinsky scandal, the GOP congressional leaders were an opportunistic, disingenuous flock of vultures masquerading as an enraged
(but moral) village mob, out to rid the town of its tyrannical ruler. In the Foley scandal, Democrats are those exact same despicable vultures. Who am I, an idealistic liberal who likes his politics as clean and polite as possible, supposed to get behind? The answer is obvious: the Democrats. This kind of game is never going to end. Politicians are politicians and there is no way I can vote in this election that’ll change that. The Democratic Party is finally opening their eyes to the notion that maybe the war in Iraq wasn’t such a great idea, and that maybe it’s possible take a stance on an issue other than “see what the Republicans are doing? We’d never do that!” Said differently, they’re actually earning the term “opposition party,” instead of receiving it by default. So fuck it. Bring in the vultures, call in the angry mob, order Morgan Freeman to carpet-bomb the infected town, anything. Democrats are playing dirty and God bless them for it. They’re committed to putting a stop to the GOP agenda and, for this election, that’s enough for me. I’ll save my idealistic liberal outrage for the primaries. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
* * * Did you know that a Hummer is the manliest vehicle you can ever drive? It’s true, owing mostly to the fact that they are rated as low as only 8 miles per gallon. But you may not know that the manliest way to drive your Hummer is really, really fast. That’s because when you drive one at 50mph half the gas used is spent to push air out of the way. At 70mph this jumps to over 65% and at 85mph only a fourth of the fuel used goes into actually moving the car. Also, 80% of the energy most large car engines burn is never used anyway, so you end up paying for twenty times as much gas as you actually use at 80mph. What, too much manly for you to handle? * * * Contrary to popular belief, jewelrygrade pearls don’t have grains of sandat their center. Instead, they are the result of a parasitic flatworm larvaburrowing into an oyster, which the oyster defends against with repeatedcoatings. Then someone goes through great care to string together these entombed worm corpses so that rich people can spend fortunes not knowing what they are. * * * Scientists can now make diamonds more perfect than those that are mined out of the earth for far less than the imperfect diamonds cost. You’re unlikely to see them in jewelry anytime soon, though, because who would care enough to demand perfect custom diamonds that cost less? Probably the same people who understand how wasteful jewelry is in the first place. * * * A study performed on people who lead inactive lives showed that the best determining factor for whether such a person would be skinny or obese is whether or not they fidget. It turns out that pacing back and forth and even those little jerky movements some people perform involuntarily when not much else is going on can add up to burning an extra 400 calories every day. The study also revealed that changing a person’s weight didn’t change the habits of fidgeting; some people just fidget whereas others just don’t. It may turn out after all that there aren’t people with slower or faster metabolisms, just people who can or can’t sit still. * * * The human brain uses between twenty and thirty percent of the energy burned by your body every day. Assuming a 2000-calorie diet, the difference in how much you use your brain can account for 200 extra calories burned a day. Coupled with the above fact, a nerd who spends his day fidgeting in front of a computer can end up burning 600 calories more per day than a similar listless person watching TV all day. Now you know how we do it.
Wednesdays Are
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
16 October 2006
Sports
Quote O’ The Week “There will be no more friendly nothing... We are merely co-workers, and that’s it.” ~T.O. on his relationship with receivers coach Todd Haley. Is anyone surprised?
Beach Bounces Tigers On Get Away Day By JJ Fiddler Sports Editor
Week Seven
W
omen’s volleyball won their season high fourth straight game, beating the visiting Pacific Tigers, 30-13, 30-19, 30-20, in front of 1400 fans at the ‘Myd on Saturday night. The Niners dominated the match on offense and defense, holding the Tigers to a .102 attack percentage while tallying a .393 percentage of their own. Quincy Verdin led the way with 12 kills, while Alexis Crimes and Dyanne Lawlor added 11 kills of their own. “We did a lot of things well tonight,” said coach Brian Gimmillaro. “[Pacific] is a good team with good ability. We just executed well and our serve and receive game was really strong.” That strong service led to six aces in game one and 11 on the night, three of which came from setter Nicole Vargas who added 40 assists and five kills. “Coach has talked about it a lot, and we practice it a lot,” said Vargas of the team’s service game. “We came out and played really well tonight.” “When you can get 11 aces and only two errors, you are doing pretty well,” said Gimmillaro.
By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent
Carolina at Cincinnati @ 10 a.m.
Setter Nicole Vargas shows off her jump serve in the second game Long Beach wasn’t even at full strength on Saturday with Robin Miramontes and Naomi Washington sidelined with various injuries, but players like Lawlor, who led the team with 15 points scored, stepped up. And with the team’s next five Big West contests on the road, it will be imperative for the energy off the bench to travel well. “I would rather not have that many games in a row on the road, but that’s what we were dealt,” said Gimmillaro. “They will be five tough games. We are playing with a lot of confidence, but that comes from
executing. When you execute you get a lot of confidence, and that’s important on the road. We need to work hard all week and get better at everything.” The Niners are now 14-4, 4-1 in the Big West. That’s just a game back of first place Cal Poly, where the team travels in two weeks, right in the middle of the season’s longest road trip. “Yeah, it’s hard not to look ahead,” said Vargas. “But, every road game is tough, and we need to come out and go hard every night.”
Friday Night Hoops Shows Promise By Ryan ZumMallen Optimistic Knicks Fan Fresh off of last year’s successes, both the men’s and women’s basketball teams were looking for a way to kick off the 2006-07 season with a bang. On Friday, October 13th, the first day that teams are officially allowed to practice for the first time, Friday Night Hoops was supposed to be that bang. Following the women’s volleyball team’s drubbing of UC Davis, both basketball teams held an open practice and skills showcase in an attempt to raise hopes for the upcoming season, familiarize the players with the fans, and show off the progress that both teams have made over the summer in preparation for the season. They competed against each other in a threepoint shootout, conducted scrimmages, and the men wowed the crowd with what was called a “Dunk Extravaganza,” but was really a handful of players performing two dunks each. It’s a very good idea. So good, in fact, you have to wonder why CSULB has not had an opening night like this in recent memory. I ran into a former Beach player and asked him why there was no Friday Night Hoops during his playing days. “Because we sucked when I played here,” he responded. True enough, but the 2006 rendition was undoubtedly hindered by the fact that it was the first in recent school history. The crowd was sparsely populated, maybe about 40% full, and many of those were holdovers from the earlier volleyball game. The crowd was probably split 50-50 between students and boosters. Women’s coach Mary Hegarty told me that it was “great to see fans coming in after the volleyball game just to see us,” and while I agree with her, it was disheartening to see how few students showed up for the basketball opener. The event started off with both coaches addressing the crowd, thanking them for coming and asking for their support in the upcoming season. The teams then
16 October 2006
Games to Watch This Weekend
competed in a three-point shootout, and after the first round, freshman shooting specialist Lauren Sims was matched up against long-range deadeye Sterling Bird to find out who could claim to be the best 3-point shooter at CSULB. Sims nailed eleven treys in 60 seconds, but Bird edged her out by one and won the contest with a final score of 12-11. The women then scrimmaged in a tenminute contest, and showed off their most notable asset: speed. Every player on the floor ran end to end, definite foreshadowing to their style of play during the upcoming season. Junior point guard Tyresha Calhoun blazed past everyone on several occasions and soon had three easy layups, but otherwise, the game was marred by turnovers and questionable shot selection, a sure sign that the team hasn’t had much time playing together and familiarizing themselves with each other yet. The team’s summer conditioning seemed to be paying off, though. “We looked fast,” coach Hegarty said. “We’ll get our first real look at the team tomorrow in practice, tonight was all about having fun.” Notably missing from the squad was star sophomore point guard Karina Figueroa, still on the mend after suffering an injury to her right foot and ankle. Figueroa should be back in action soon, though, and the absence was most likely just a precaution. During the women’s scrimmage, I asked high-flyer Louis Darby what he planned to do for the “Dunk Extravaganza.” “I don’t know yet,” he claimed. “I haven’t decided.” You wouldn’t have known it from his performance. Darby was up third, and the 6-foot-5 senior guard who made a name for himself as a powerful dunker last year threw down two sickening jams. The first was an off-the-backboard pass to himself that he cocked back and stuffed through the rim, practically looking down on it after launching himself into space. The other was a 180-degree windmill from underneath the basket that left
the fans wanting more, but a lack of creative planning during the event dashed those hopes. Why not make it an actual dunk contest with judges instead of just having a couple players randomly throw down? Hopefully I’ll be in charge by next year, because Darby could have some major competition in junior guard Donovan Morris, who flew in from somewhere around Atherton & Bellflower for his first dunk. The men then ran their own team scrimmage, also without their star returner, Aaron Nixon, who suffered a broken jaw in a pickup game a few weeks ago and had to have it wired shut. Coach Larry Reynolds told me that the wires will be cut in about two weeks, and Nixon will be back to normal shortly after that. Good news for the 49ers, who looked sloppy but athletic in the scrimmage and will no doubt make a run for the Big West title with Nixon in the lineup. Guard Kejuan Johnson and center Mark Dawson looked to be in great form for the season, while many of the new faces on the team impressed as well. And was I the only one that noticed 5-foot-10 guard Kevin Houston cleanly dunk off of two feet after the buzzer sounded? “We’ve got some athletes,” coach Reynolds said after the scrimmage. “We’re not that big, but we can go up against anybody.” Friday Night Hoops was definitely entertaining and a moderate success with good intentions. There is no doubt, however, that it could benefit from a little more organization, promotion and livening up. The cheerleading team and dance team had impressive performances, but there were several instances in which the event seemed to hit a dull spot, and the only real cheers from the crowd came when cheerleaders began handing out free pizzas. The most notable change needed at the event was more of you, the students. Both teams are going to make a run at a conference championship and NCAA tournament bid this year. Don’t miss out on them. See you at Friday Night Hoops 2007.
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Julius Peppers is the current front-runner for defensive player of the year with 6 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, and 4 pass deflections. He is a feared pass rusher but disciplined enough to stick his mark in pass coverage. Carson Palmer will need to locate Peppers on every snap and audible when necessary. Lucky for Carson, the Cincinnati offense provides him plenty of options whether it is on the ground with Rudi Johnson or passing to the best wide receiver tandem in the league, T.J. Houshmanzadeh and Chad Johnson. Jake Delhomme isn’t an underrated quarterback as some will say; he just sucks. Steve Smith is still trying to regain his production from last year, but do not look for it this week. Pick: Peppers cannot guard three people, so Palmer will need to spread the ball around to keep Carolina’s defense guessing. Cincinnati will control the game and win 28-17.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta @10 a.m. Ben Roethlisberger is the perfect example of falling into the right place at the right time. The Steelers of today are nowhere near the level of last year. That team allowed Ben to simply manage games and build his confidence as they won week after week, but that’s not at all the case this year. Big Ben can’t get them out of this slump because he’s incapable, and the rest of the team has no identity to support him. Mister Joey Porter seems to talk a lot of trash and here’s his chance to back it up in facing the dynamic running duo of Vick and Dunn. And finally the coaching staff in Atlanta is figuring out hot to use Vick: the option might not work in the NFL with most teams, but Vick isn’t on most teams; he’s on Atlanta, and they need to play to his strengths. Pick: Atlanta’s old-fashioned style of play, strong running game, and great defense, combined with the new-age flare from Vick is a formula for success. Atlanta wins 17-7.
New York Giants at Dallas @5:30 p.m. Monday Night Football and Terrell Owens… I wonder what drama the press will use to hype this game. Ignoring the TO fiasco, this game is set to be a good one in the highly competitive NFC East division. Philly may be leading the division but it’s never too early to think about the NFC wildcard spots. Both teams have an arsenal on offense with strong RBs and pairs of solid WRs; the difference in this game will come from the QB position. Bledsoe reverted back to statue status as Dallas gave up 7 sacks against Philadelphia in week 5. Blame the offensive line all you want but he holds on to the ball way too long and has no sense of incoming pressure. Pick: New York gets a solid game from Eli Manning and involves Tiki Barber more in the offense. Dallas loses, furthers the frustration of TO, and the plague spreads throughout the locker room. Oh, you want a score? 35-21 Giants.
5
News
MAKING A Difference In Your
Community
Two-Thirds of Students Drink and Drive By Ryan Kobane
W
News Director
e justify lots of things. We smoke cigarettes, all the while thinking that cancer can’t touch us. We don’t go to class because it’s just another lecture day. We never work out, because our young metabolisms will keep us thin. Oh yeah, and 67% of CSULB students justify drinking and driving. A study conducted in 2005 by the Prevention Research Center’s California Safer Schools Survey are posted all over campus; it reads, “Most of us, 80% of CSULB students choose not to drink and drive.” At first glace this statistic may seem to many a very powerful and uplifting achievement, something to be proud of. Then it may dawn on you that there are over 35,000 undergraduates enrolled here. And if 20% (students who do choose to drink and drive according to the survey) are truly doing so, that means over 7,000 students on campus say yes to drinking and driving on a consistent basis. We’ve grown up in a society that condemns drunk drivers. It’s forced down our throats that drunk driving isn’t okay by our parents, teachers, and friends by the time we reach puberty; so why is it still such a common practice? Because people like to sleep in their own beds, that’s why. Surveys were passed out to 96 random students on our campus; from classes to dorms, they were the people that define our population. The survey asked the questions that most people don’t want the answers to. Have you been drunk in the last 12 months and decided to drive? And if you have, what was your excuse, or, justification? The results were scary to say the least. Here are some of the responses from the 64 of 96 students that admitted to drinking and driving: “I had just hooked up with a crazy chick and had to get away. I regret both very much,” read one anonymous response. “Yeah, I have; I live in LA, and the only transportation is my own or my friends. No public transportation available man,” said one junior, 22. “I needed a ride home. It was either drive and risk it, or be late for work for the 7th time that month,” senior, 23. “Well, I really just wanted my bed, and I’m an excellent drunk driver,” senior, 21. These are only a few of the responses that students gave, but for the most part, students are justifying drinking and driving without even thinking of the consequences. And the funny thing is that 95 out of 96 students think that it’s never okay to drink and drive; one student left the question blank. “You would be surprised,” said Nigel
ASI Chief-of-Staff Added to Pay-roll Mekonnen Garedew, Chief-of-Staff to the ASI president, had a reason to smile this past Wednesday. His office is now included in the Executive Fellowship, meaning he recieves a stipend for his services to ASI. Visibly relieved after the Senate voting approved the amendment, Garedew will now be compensated for his role as President Mistry’s head assistant; a new benefit that is greatly appreciated. “This [stipend] will allow me to do my job,” Garedew said after the meeting. He currently works off-campus, supporting himself financially while maintaining a full schedule as both a student and Chief of Staff. Prior to the Senate’s vote on the amendment, President Mistry urged Senators to make Garedew an executive officer, insist-
6
Illustration By Andrew Wilson
Witham, of Gold & Witham Attorneys at Law. “Nearly 25% of the people we take as clients are between the ages of 17-24. And most of them have no idea what they are in for when they are arrested for DUI.” State records show that on average, between 1,200-1,500 DUI convictions are recorded in the Long Beach Courthouse every year; that’s five people per day being convicted of an alcohol-related offense in our city. “Even if the client pleads guilty, the costs are usually between $3,500 and $5,500,” continued Witham. “And that’s not including trial costs.” If they decided to go to trial, the fees can easily exceed $10,000.” Money shouldn’t be the only thing that students are concerned about losing if they are convicted. “For the first offense it’s usually 3 years of informal probation, $1,500 of fines and fees, three months of alcohol education courses that take lots of time and cost even more money. And most of the time the client’s license is suspended or revoked for at least six months.” And this is just the first offense; the consequences get exponentially worse depending on the severity of the case, and if you have been convicted in the past; most of the time you get some amount of jail time. The survey found that some students on campus, nearly one third, do choose to stay safe. “The decision to drink and drive may be easy to make when you are under the influence; but the consequences are brutal, and seeing people directly affected by a DUI is what stops me from doing it,” said Kathy M., freshmen. When defending their decision to drink and drive, most students offered up ways that our city could reduce the amount of people driving under the influence. “Most of my
friends drive drunk because cabs are so fucking expensive!” said super senior, 23. Granted, a yellow cab from campus to 2nd street may cost 11 bucks; but if you were arrested for a DUI, you would be able to buy 500 cab rides for the cost of that attorney you are now going to need. “I’ve driven when I shouldn’t have for sure, but the answer to all of this is that we need better public transportation,” said senior, 22. This truly could be the answer to the ever-growing problem of drinking and driving here in Long Beach. Our buses take forever, stopping at what feels like every single street. The buses also go into areas where many of our students don’t feel safe when on the way to downtown, leaving many with a tough decision to make. Public transportation may never be perfect, or even adequate in California; in fact, it may be our most glaring flaw. This fact leaves many students wondering if something can actually be done to stop, or even slow the amount of drunk drivers on our streets. It’s clear that no one seems to have the answers. Stopping people from drinking and driving will always be a source problem; it starts with the person doing the drinking, and it’s ultimately in their hands whether or not they chose to get behind the wheel. For some, the choice isn’t made because of money, jail time, or loss of their license; it’s made because of past experiences. “I do not drink and drive because I have seen what fatal outcomes can be brought about when someone makes an ill choice,” said Lisa Krivchuk, 19.
ing that his time on campus was vital to the success of her presidency. “It would be detrimental to the ASI for Mekonnen not to be an executive officer,” she said, and continued to reinforce the importance of his presence. The vote was a lopsided approval, with only one Senator voting against the amendment. -By Vincent Girimonte
of minority. Smith and Williams civilly exchanged ideas on ways to control the current situation of hate speech on campus by reaching an agreement of, “More speech is better than less speech.” In addition, both professors offered a solution to the problem by encouraging students to cite any incident of hate speech on campus and report them to the staff. Students and professors challenged the two speakers by proposing questions of how hate speech can be controlled without taking away the student’s right to free speech and the realistic expectations of the proposed solution both speakers agreed on. Overall, both speakers relayed a positive message towards first amendment rights and a noteworthy concern for the students’ well being on the college campus. -By Kathy Miranda
Hate Speech on American Campuses On Monday October 9th, students, faculty, and guest speakers Craig Smith and Gary C. Williams came together to hold a discussion on “Hate Speech on the American Campus.” The question of “What is ‘hate speech’?” arose several times during the debate; both guest speakers defined it as a form of speech that degrades, humiliates and provokes violence towards any type
Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be reached at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
By Cynthia Romanowski Union Staffer Most of us start college all wideeyed and ambitious with hopes of making real change in the world. Then, a few years pass, reality sets in, and all those dreams start to fade. Luckily, there still is a way to make a difference, while helping others and the local community. Taking a few hours out to give back to the community each month goes a long way, from making other people’s lives easier to adding an activity to your resume. Each month here at the Union, we like to take time to show you just a few of the many community service opportunities that are available to students. And we’re always looking for new ideas, so if you know of any nonprofit or student organizations looking for volunteers please e-mail the news editor at ryan@ lbunion.com.
Make A Difference Day Last year this annual day of service sponsored by the USA Today newspaper, brought together over 3 million volunteers, who carried out thousands of community service projects in hundreds of towns. This year, CSULB’s Office of Student Life and Development is working with an organization called Rebuilding Together at a mobile home park for senior citizens in Long Beach. Over 150 students, staff and faculty will work throughout the day on Saturday Oct. 28th, to help senior residents improve their homes by painting, refurbishing and helping with other various projects. So far this projects’ day-long shifts are full but you can sign up on the waiting list or for an afternoon shift, at Student Life and Development in the Student Union. For more information on National Make a Difference Day go to www. usaweekend/diffday.
Beach Walk CSULB’s Circle K community service organization is looking for volunteers to help out at the 16th Annual Beach Walk for the Children’s Clinic of Long Beach. This 5K walk takes place on Saturday Oct. 28th from 8-11 am at Shoreline Drive and Ocean Blvd. Fundraising will provide health care visits, prescriptions, immunizations and health education classes to thousands of uninsured children and families in the Long Beach community. There are two options for helping with this event. First, you can raise money by gathering donations and walking with friends by signing up at http://tcc.kintera. org/beachwalk2006. Or you can help run a booth on bike safety and pediatric trauma prevention. To sign-up, e-mail CSULB’s Circle K President Michael Raymundo at president@beachcki.org.
16 October 2006
yourPocket
Daydream Believer By Mikles Guardlemaskaire
M
att was sitting at the back of his ECON 100 class, bored out of his mind, when the newspaper caught his eye. It had a halfnaked drunk man passed out against a bus stop pole on the cover; he was intrigued. He picked it up, mouthing the paper’s title to himself: Union Weekly. He’d seen it around, in the garish yellow newspaper stands, but had never read a copy. As the clock ticked impossibly slowly towards the halfway point of class, he just wanted something, anything to focus on that wasn’t his teacher. Flipping open to the middle of the paper, he saw it: a full-page advertisement about the Third Semesterly Union Weekly Short Story Contest. And the paper was offering cash money, and accepting submissions of up to 1,000 words. As his teacher droned on, Matt’s mind began to wander and daydream…. I wasn’t sure where it came from, but there it was. Viperwolves: An Erotic Thriller. And then a man rode his bike past the window. He had a big mole on his face and I hoped that it wasn’t cancerous. My mother had been hit and killed by a drunk driver, and while on trial for vehicular manslaughter, he had died of stomach cancer. He said, while on the stand, that he’d just gotten out of a chemo session and that he’d finished a handle of Wild Turkey to get the taste of arsenic out of the back of his throat. I remember looking at his back from across the courtroom. It looked like the joint that connected his arms to his shoulders had been snipped. The sweat had soaked right through his shirt and exposed the wet outline of his spine, which apparently hadn’t been snipped. Worst of all was the slow pulsing of his body as his tired lungs grudgingly let sleepy breaths lift him up and drop him back into a slump. I was actually a little relieved when the police told us he’d died. That would probably make a good story, except I couldn’t call it Viperwolves. A story like that needed a classy name that provoked thought and touched the heart all at once. But I didn’t want to write that story, so I tried to think of something that matched Viperwolves. Viperwolves certainly wouldn’t have a scene where the protagonist, a young boy—possibly precocious, probably precious—cared for a baby made of semen that had crawled out of the drain. My mom had told me, when I was first discovering the joys of tugging at my cock, that a baby would grow in the pipes if I masturbated in the shower. She was a liar. She was a sweet lady too, but she was also a liar. And out the window, while I’m thinking about semen babies and lying mothers, I see a man scraping his fingernails against the cement. Someone must’ve glued a penny to the pavement and he’s slow to catch on to the joke. And I wonder if the person that glued the penny had counted on a man as desperate as this. And it got me thinking about the prize money. And the prize money gets me thinking about work, and how a hundred bucks is good for a least a couple of sick days. I could sleep in, get up late and maybe get some reading done for a change. I could sit around, sipping noodles from yellow
16 October 2006
story.
i
t’s time for the third semesterly union short story contest. 1,000 words or less could put $100 in your pocket. new deadline is 11:59pm on november 28th. send submissions to shortstory@lbunion.com
short story.
(recap) •short story contest •1,000 words or LESS •due 11.28.06 •shortstory@lbunion.com •$100
(broke) salt water in a Styrofoam cup, pretending that I’m a real intellectual college student type. …He looked up from the paper. The world was swirling. The world was white. The world was fuzzy, and then clear. The clock was gone. He looked at his neighbor’s laptop. It was November 29th; he’d been sitting there, daydreaming, for a month and a half. He looked at the ad again. The deadline had been the 28th. He’d missed it. He’d missed it. He was too late. “Oh well,” he thought. “At least I only have to listen to this fucking teacher for two more weeks.”
(re-recap) contest short stories 1,000 words not 1,001 words 857 words is okay 23 words might be too short shortstory@lbunion.com by 11/28/06 before midnight winner gets a bill 1bill = $100
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7
Monday16
L.A. Takes Musical Detour
Strike Anywhere, Bane: Glass House $13, 6pm Method Man: HOB Anaheim $25, 7pm The Forecast: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians: Henry Fonda Theatre $21, 8pm The Hold Steady: Troubadour $13, 8pm Antigone Rising: El Rey Theatre $15, 9pm
Tuesday17 Mushroomhead: Whisky $17, 6:30pm The Adicts: Showcase Theatre $15, 7pm Murder by Death: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Ziggy Marley: HOB Anaheim $31, 7:30pm Joseph Arthur: El Rey Theatre $15, 8pm Ladytron: John Anson Ford $25.50, 8pm The Black Angels: Troubadour $10, 8pm The Pogues: Grove of Anaheim $60, 8pm Craig Morgan: HOB Anaheim $25, 7pm
Wednesday18 Switchfoot: Roxy Theatre $20, 7pm Less Than Jake: HOB Sunset $18, 7:30pm Badly Drawn Boy: Troubadour $18, 8pm, two nights Michael Bolton: Kodak Theatre $41-71, 8pm Rancid: Henry Fonda Theatre $22, 8pm
Thursday19 Arthur Nights feat. Devendra Banhart: Palace Theatre $24, 6pm Second Chance, Empty Seat: HOB Sunset $10, 7pm RX Bandits: Roxy Theatre $13, 8pm Vice Squad, Total Chaos: Galaxy Theatre $15, 8pm Cut Chemist, Lyrics Born: El Rey Theatre $19, 9pm
Friday20 Arthur Nights, feat. Tav Falco: Palace Theatre $24, 6pm Ed, Red Snow: Whisky $10, 7pm Gather: Showcase Theatre $10, 7pm Now It’s Overhead: Glass House $12, 7pm Xzibit: HOB Anaheim $22.50, 7pm Bob Dylan: Forum $35-75, 7:30pm Like It or Not: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm India Arie: Wilshire Theatre $37.50-57.50, 8pm Two Gallants: Troubadour $12, 8pm Sammy Hagar: Gibson Amphitheatre $50-65, 8:15pm Swollen Members: El Rey Theatre $15, 9pm
Saturday21
I
n what could prove to be the most rocking roadblock in Los Angeles history, the Detour Festival set up camp near 1st and Main streets last Saturday. Traffic was ensnared by both the festival (which was roughly 4 blocks in area) and the nearby Grand Avenue community event. Add thousands of festival-going pedestrians to the surrounding throughfares, and you’ve got a seriously intrusive rock concert. It was certainly an interesting choice for a festival, and likely an expensive one, but it proved to be a massive success. The Festival had 4 venues, and one unofficial venue just off the main stage. 3 of the stages were fairly runof-the-mill when you consider that they were in the street just outside city hall. But the real treasure was the DJ stage, which featured mix sets from Shepard Fairey and VHS or BETA and was housed in an honest-togod catholic church complete with confessional booths. Reactions from the crowd were somewhat mixed, but some seemed to be even more pumped to dance sinfully under the gaze of a crucifix. But the surreal awe doesn’t end there. One of the first acts of the day was Of Montreal, who took to the stage in outfits so outrageous it was difficult to pay attention to the music. Frontman Kevin Barnes wore a pair of jean shorts so short that it seemed that his testis might make a guest appearance. They didn’t, but it’s still unknown if this would have made the performance better or worse.
Arthur Nights feat. Sun Ra Arkestra: Palace Theatre $24, 3pm Juan Gabriel: Santa Barbara Bowl $51.50106.50, 7pm Soilwork: HOB Anaheim $20, 7pm The Vibrators: Showcase Theatre $10, 7pm Umphrey’s McGee: Avalon $20, 7pm Be Your Own Pet: Glass House: $12, 7:30pm Betrayed: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Bob Dylan: Long Beach Arena $49.50, 7:30pm Cliff Winston, Norman Lewis: Roxy Theatre $50, 7:30pm Beirut: Troubadour $12, 8pm Ebi: Greek Theatre $37-135, 7pm Detroit Cobras: Key Club $15, 8pm The Decemberists: Wiltern LG $23.50, 9pm
Sunday22 Arthur Nights feat. Comets on Fire: Palace Theatre $24, 3pm Bruce Bruce: HOB Sunset $27.50, 7pm Wheatus: Glass House $10, 7pm She Wants Revenge: Greek Theatre $35, 730pm
8
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Blackalicious took the west stage soon after, representing the hip hop contingent at the festival. Within minutes, he had the crowd putting up rap hands to the beat, although they looked remarkably out of place doing it. But I suppose if you can get a crowd that’s trying to look terribly cool to wave their arms irrhythmically like drugged-out fascists, your appeal is essentially unquestionable. When Blonde Redhead swept into the east stage, they did so with such a hushed calm that only the audience swell of applause marked their opening. They began with “Falling Man,” which seems to multiply its pleading charm tenfold when performed live. Both of Blonde Redhead’s singers’ voices have a remarkably soothing quality, and there were times were the crowd seemed to be simply somnambulating to the rhythms that punctuated the lullabye melodies. The day seemed to be marked by differing experiences as well as styles, as The Blood Arm’s furious swagger contrasted The Elected’s cooing joy, which both seemed alltoo-normal compared to Nortec Collective’s Audiovisual neo-psychedelia assault. None of these acts, however, could prepare one for what the evening’s artists were to inflict upon the wandering festival masses. The Basement Jaxx are out of their fucking minds. I have no better words to describe the 45 minutes of costume-changing, horn-blowing, drum-blitzing soundstorm that took place under a banner of Basement Jaxx. They are out of their fucking minds, and it was unforgettably amazing. Nobody needs to really talk more about Beck live. At this point, if you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m going to say. And if you haven’t, you probably wouldn’t understand anyways. There were puppets, there was craziness, it was great. Queens of the Stone Age were likewise jaw-dropping, but in only the most rocktastic sort of way. They are indeed modern rock-n-roll royalty, and they carry it with ease. Nobody can write guitar parts like Josh Homme, and the timeless quality of his riffs was on parade at Detour. The real story of the night was !!! (pronounced “chk chk chk,” or with any 3 repetitive sounds), who started their set just a half-hour after Beck at the small second street stage. Within seconds of the first drum hit, singer Nic Offer was in full dance-frenzy, flailing and thrusting to the dizzying beats and driving riffs. The crowd soon followed, and even the photographers in front of the stage couldn’t resist the urge to get down. If you have never heard the beat drop from “Pardon My Freedom” live, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s pleasantly intense, and intensely pleasant. If this all sounds nonsensically exaggerated, it’s because that’s exactly the experience that !!! is. These guys are all about superdance-funk drum-decadence. Let it ring. – By Matt Dupree
16 October 2006
Sufjan Stevens is Nice
And by that we mean really, reeeaaallly nice. Like colossally, awe-inspiringly nice.
“M
agical Butterfly Brigade” is what he called his band as they walked on stage in their mystical butterfly uniforms. Sufjan Stevens, the leader of this enchanting orchestra, took his audience on a journey back in time to when things were innocent, when all you had to do was gaze at the full moon and ponder what was in the night’s sky. On Monday, October 9, accompanied by a 13-piece band, Mr. Stevens took the stage at Los Angeles’ Wiltern Theatre, pumping out song after brilliant song, touching on his glorious albums such as Greetings From Michigan and the remarkable Illinois. Before he began his soft-spoken song “The Man of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts” he warned that inflatable supermen would be flying through the air. As the announcement was uttered, only the idea of an imaginary superman came to mind, until in one glorious windfall actual inflatable supermen started flying through the air. It wasn’t simply one or two; in great Sufjan fashion, roughly 30 supermen soared overhead to thunderous cheers and adoring smiles.
Besides butterfly ensembles and soaring supermen (and at one point inflatable Santa Clauses floating overhead), home movies began to play on a screen behind the enigmatic band. Images of a young boy gallivanting in a soft green field, smiling and flying a kite into that same sky you can feel your body soaring through. Images of clouds, flowers, and people laughing and smiling were felt almost as vividly as they were seen. It was tonight that I realized Sufjan Stevens is not simply a master storyteller or a whimsical figure, but a man trying to convey the sheer beauty of this world. Even if that beauty is just a smile or laugh, or the simple image of a kite being thrown through the air. He points out that there is so much more to life than the daily grind of trying to “win” or trying to be “perfect,” but instead you should try to be satisfied with all encompasses you. With his music, he transcends so many levels and boundaries that his contemporaries could only dream of reaching. Next time Sufjan Stevens comes to town, do yourself a favor and indulge in his glorious nature. – By Cori Salinas
MC Chris At The Roxy The Roxy Theatre is a place where legends have played. The exterior is posh: neon lights and cute displays show the upcoming acts. If you ever get the chance to see a good band there, take it. Its small main room has the stage pushing into the audience, so it seems like you can high five the band, even from the back wall. It’s by far one of the best and most intimate places to get up close to a band. Unfortunately, the opening act, The Hairbrain Scheme, wasn’t the type of band I’d want to get into bed with. I’m sure somewhere inside this mess of a group there is some great talent and ability. When one band member was in the forefront they would sound great, but when they all tried to rock out in unison it was cacophony. After they left the stage, the all-girl band Go Betty Go was up. Their sound was pretty much classic rock, with a dash of rockabilly. Featuring a talented singer, a skilled (and attractive) drum and bass section, and some ferocious guitar, this band at knew what they were doing. They kept the tempo fast, which in turn pumped up the audience. In short: the perfect opening band. After a short break, the curtain lifted to reveal . . . an empty stage and the intro to Gary Glitter’s jock-jam classic “Rock and Roll Part Two.” After a few seconds a short, dwarf-like man in a jean jacket and a Cubs entered, mic in hand. This was MC Chris, and he was going to spit verse like no one’s business. You might recognize MC Chris’ voice as Hesh from Sealab 2021 or MC Pee Pants from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, both on Cartoon Network’s adult swim. He is the premier nerd rapper, dropping references to Mario Kart, Dungeons and Dragons and
Scissor Sisters
Hammerfall
Ta-Dah
Threshold
Universal/Motown Records
Nuclear Blast Records
Reviewed By Charlene Galicia
Reviewed By Eric Bryan
The newly released Scissor Sisters’ Ta-Dah tempted me to run to the nearest club and dance with a gaggle of shirtless gay boys. If you’re a homophobic prude, this is obviously not the music for you. But if “Screw it, I’m getting naked” music is your style, then “I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’” is definitely for you. If you find yourself simultaneously feeling hate and love, the Old West-like song “I Can’t Decide” has lyrics proclaiming “I can’t decide/ whether you should live or die/ oh, you’ll prob’ly go to heaven/ please don’t hang your head and cry.” If my opinion doesn’t validate this masterpiece for you, Elton John’s guest piano and vocals asserting “Listen to it or the bitch will be back” should. If you can’t figure out the humorous love/hate juxtaposition or appreciate the lyrical skills, its okay: I’m sure you can go back to listening to Tool and forget you ever bothered to read this. (Editor’s Note: This album is enjoyable by heterosexual males as well. Take my word for it.)
16 October 2006
Monty Python. In addition to rapping about nerd culture, he also raps about using Robitussin to get high, smoking out and getting women: something for everyone. His fast rapping style makes Ludacris look like a non-native English speaker, yet his delivery is clear enough to get the gags and references his songs are based on. Its good content on record, but a live show by MC Chris is off-the-chain. In person, his high-pitched voice raps every bit as fast and his frequent monologues are just as funny as the skits on his album. While his music is definitely funny and makes you want to get your hands in the air, his monologues make the experience feel personal. He is just really funny, going off on tangents about how he fucked his mom in the womb, or how Pharrell wrote EVERY song (even that one you just thought up yourself). Text can’t really do it justice. He tries to involve the audience in his monologues and music as much as possible, a trick he said he picked up from playing with Jurassic 5. He gave audience members nicknames, got people to rhyme along with him, and get their hands in the air, 8 Mile style. He is just a great performer. He skillfully plays off the crowd, teasing the crowd before playing his smash hit “Fett’s Vette” and offering to smoke out in the parking lot with everyone. Plus he’s a cool guy. He said that he is just an unsigned artist, so he is thankful that his fans show up to his shows, buy his merchandise, and listen to his music. His respect for his fans shows, and after the show he stuck around to sign autographs, give hugs, take pictures and just talk to the fans to show he cares. – By Dylan Little
If Monica Lewinski was a band, she would be Hammerfall. Except if she was, she wouldn’t be nearly as famous, despite sucking just as hard. I can’t exactly put my finger on what makes them so useless. They have a competent group of musicians, a good budget for recording, and even a few good songs in their past going for them. However, no matter what the album, it turns out in quality what Charlie Sheen turns out in class. Their newest release, Threshold, is no different. While past albums such as Crimson Thunder had at least one really stand-out, get-your-blood-pumping, time-to-hit-your-mother type songs, this one has none. In fact, they’ve actually stooped lower than before, by having the balls, (or lack thereof) to write a song called “Howlin’ with the ëPac.” No spell-check necessary, that’s correct. So if you’re looking for the end result of mixing Iron Maiden and Judas Priest with anal leakage and tofu, check out Hammerfall. If you’d like the equivalent without so much pain though, put your genitals in a blender and hit frappe. Youll have more fun, trust me.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
-By Matt Dupree
HITS I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness The enigmatically elegant rock group has enlisted enigmatically elegant artist Emmanuel Ho to create an enigmatically elegant video for their enigmatically elegant song “The Owl.” Hmmm... I’m seeing an enigmatically elegant pattern.
Sebadoh On the heels of Dinosaur Jr’s triumphant reformation, Lou Barlow has reformed Sebadoh, which was originally his passive-aggressive retaliation at Dino’s frontman J. Mascis. This time around, it should be all about mid-life crisis angst.
MISSES Modest Mouse The most anticipated release of 2006 is now the most anticipated release of 2007. The band recently announced that they will be postponing their new album, We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank, until the new year. This is definitely good news for people who love bad news.
KISS The Supreme Court declined to hear a case involving Vinnie Vincent’s claim that he’s owed royalties on KISS’ 1983 album Lick It Up. Vincent had replaced Ace Frehley for the album but was kicked out of the band shortly after. This could be a landmark precedent for future cases involving musical abortions.
UP IN THE AIR Music From The O.C. The hit television show which spawned a series of hit soundtrack albums gears up for #6 in the series of albums. The new disc will be titled Covering Our Tracks and will feature a bevy of only the hippest artists covering similarly hip tunes. Joining the parade of ephemeral hype is Band Of Horses, Pinback, Mates of State and Rogue Wave, among others. Color me waiting for #7.
Nirvana Just in case you should forget about them, Nirvana’s surviving members are reissuing footage of a live performance from 1992 that had previously only been released on VHS in 1994. Also, a recording of interviews between Cobain and journalist Michael Azerrad called Kurt Cobain: About A Son is set to hit theaters nationwide. Finally, Courtney Love will release a memoir called Dirty Blonde. Here’s a spoiler: it’s mainly about drugs.
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beer
DRUNKTOBEERFEST!
The Union’s salute to Oktoberfest, the greatest alcoholiday this side of the Super Bowl
my adventure at oktoberfest byMichaël Veremans
CHEERS! aroundtheworld A votre sante! Alla Salute! Egé szé gé re! Kanpai! Na Zdrowie! Ooogy Wawa!
French Italian Hungarian Japanese Polish Zulu
Prosit!
German
Salud!
Spanish
Saúde!
Brazilian
Skal!
Swedish
Slainte! Wen Lie! Yasas!
Irish Chinese Greek
Za vashe zdorovye!
Russian
Zivili
Serbian
Zum Wohl
Austrian
ktoberfest has become a legend among the American drinking public. For many it is an elusive but all inclusive party across the Atlantic, but for Germans it’s just a damn good excuse to get really drunk at nine in the morning and keep it rolling for two weeks. As foreign correspondent, I took it upon myself to investigate this festival of beer in Munich (München), Germany and bring back my findings as well as a photo diary of my adventure at Oktoberfest. First of all, a little background is necessary. The first Oktoberfest was celebrated on October 12th, 1810, to commemorate the wedding of then Crown Prince Ludwig (now known as Ludwig I) and Princess Therese. When it was first celebrated it lasted two weeks and included a parade and a series of horse races, as well as probably a little drinking. It is now held in the end of September (because the weather tends to be better) and lasts until the first Sunday in October; though the name Oktoberfest remains, it is mostly a misnomer. The festival begins with the mayor of Munich tapping the first barrel of beer and declaring “O’ zapft is!” which translates to “it’s tapped.” Until the tapping, which always occurs at 12 p.m., no beer is allowed to be sold. It has become the world’s largest people’s fair, with over a million visitors during its two-week span, though before 1960, it was mostly an untouristed event. Here are some fun facts about the consumption: 88 oxen are eaten, 219,443 pairs of sausage, and 459,279 chickens. 6 million mugs of beer were sold in 2005 (making 6 million liters) and according one of the over 12,000 service personnel, each man drinks about 4 to 5 beers. There is seating for 100,000 people in a series of giant beer tents, the largest (Hofbräu Festhalle) holding over 10,000.I arrived about mid-afternoon on my iron chariot known as the Deutsche Bahn (German rail) at the center of Munich. At first I was dazed by the throngs of people in lederhosen and dirndls (Bavarian dresses), but eventually I got myself together, got over the culture shock, and began my trek to Theresienplatz, the site of the world renowned Oktoberfest. As I came upon the festivities scores, I noticed of people prepartying it up, drinking whatever beer they could get their hands on. Despite the large amount of Beck’s bottles littered about, along with foreign beers, 30% of the beer produced in Munich breweries is drunken within the two weeks of Oktoberfest; staggering to think about, but completely unsurprising. The atmosphere of the huge fairground hit me as soon as I stepped off the street and into Oktoberfest. Drunk, merry, lively, and, dare I say, jaunty all describe but do no justice to what it was like. There were literally hundreds of thousands of people in this place celebrating nothing but beer. There were tons of food vendors and even more carnival type rides, including a giant Ferris wheel. I didn’t get a chance to ride any of them, though because that night I had a mission.I made my way over to the heavily crowded pedestrian thoroughfare that all of the beer tents faced. There are six breweries in Munich: Spaten, Augustiner, Paulaner, Hacker-Pschorr, Hofbräu, and Löwenbräu, and each of them had multiple tents, depending on what kind of food was being served inside; there was also a Champaign tent. I found out that Paris Hilton was spotted in the Spaten Hippodrome with some guy
inside the tents: Munich
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
16 October 2006
beer myadventure|continued
in the first week of Oktoberfest, though she was thoroughly distraught that there were no mirrors around. So I picked a beer tent from the virtual grab bag of bedrunkifying semi-permanent party structures, and went in to find a pair of seats a bit out of the way. Then I ordered my first liter of beer, or should I say, Bier. I found out that they don’t call them steins in Germany, but rather a Mass (measure) or a Krug (beer cup). I also found out later that I stole three of them as trophies. When the beer hit my tongue it was magic. The special Oktoberfest brew that all of the breweries pump out specifically for the festival is darker and stronger, and thoroughly delicious; it’s also the only kind of beer they are allowed to serve at the fest. I noticed that almost all the Bayers and Bayerinnens (Ba-
varians) were in their traditional dress, lederhosen or dirndls. According to one of the Bavarians, you can tell what region of Bavaria the person comes from based on the color, style, and patterns on his lederhosen. I proceeded to get drunker and drunker, not realizing that one Mass is worth about three American beers; they don’t have ounces here, so it became hard to judge how much I was drinking in the metric system. But the waitresses kept bringing on the Krüge, holding up to seven at a time per hand. A brass band started off the day but by the night, a pop band hit the stage playing traditional fare as well. I sang along to songs I didn’t know, talked broken German to the people next to me, almost vomited, and all before 5 p.m., though some people were partied out as early as ten in the morning! I blacked out after about the third beer, but luckily I had a photographer with me to trace the rest of the night’s events. I would have to say that as far as I know, I had a lot of fun. The party environment there has been developed for almost 200 years and it shows, I would recommend that anyone with the opporrunity to visit Oktoberfest go and drink, but remember: get there early for a place, as the tents fill up by 10 p.m. You can also hold your own Oktoberfest at home: just marathon drink for two weeks while wearing leather pants.
goodbye from Germany!
drunkenmyths
1.
“Olive Oil” This myth is widely recognized as being true, with effectiveness comparable to consuming a meal of greasy food before drinking. Apparently if you consume a certain amount of olive oil (4 ounces approx. 2 1/2 shots) the lining of your stomach will be coated, thus you absorb the alcohol slower. This would give you the ability to become drunk at a slower rate and less susceptible to the ailments of overdrinking. *To avoid the unpleasantness of drinking straight olive oil, you can eat it with a nice French loaf.
2.
“Mints ‘N’ Pennies” People believe that you can mask the smell of alcohol on your breath and fool a Breathalyzer. This is false. A small vial of a chemical agent is placed in the Breathalyzer. This chemical reacts when the alcohol in your breath comes in contact with it. The only way to fool a Breathalyzer would be to decrease the amount of alcohol from your breath. The copper and/or mint would not successfully remove the alcohol and you would be caught. *Newer models of Breathalyzers use new infrared technology to scan the amount of alcohol in your breath, so again, this method would not work.
3.
“Bye-Bye Brain Cells” Consumption of alcohol will kill brain cells. False. Moderate to light drinking has not been shown to kill brain cells in any clinical study. In fact, studies show that moderate consumption can improve cognitive performance.
4.
“Hangovers Are for Drunks” It is a common misconception that hangovers only occur after someone drinks too much. False. According to recent studies, lighter drinkers have a 70% greater risk of suffering from hangovers than heavy drinkers do.
sandiegobeerfest A 5. by ryan kobane
rriving at Columbia and B Street around 9 p.m. on the 22nd of September, my belly was full, my body was rested, and I was thirsty. Walking up to the desk of San Diego’s first ever Festival of Beer, I had high expectations. Drinking copious amounts of beer is always a good idea if done in the proper manner, but when the money you spend on the beer goes to a good cause, well then, it’s just a down right win-win situation for everyone involved. The San Diego Professionals Against Cancer (SDPAC) is a non-profit organization dedicated to generating money for cancer research, patient treatment, and services through fund-raising events such as the San Diego Beer Festival. So when I forked over $25 of my hard earned cash (money my amazing mom gave me) for 10, 4oz. mugs of beer, I was more than happy. This is an account of the night, and morning, from what I remember. Grand tales of Stone Brewing Company’s 10th Anniversary Ale made my first destination a given. The Stone tent was busy, crowded by boozers and hotties nearly 100 people deep; Stone is a religion in San Diego. Oh wait, allow me to regress. There were over 50 San Diego microbreweries in attendance that night, all offering their best, and most potent concoctions. No 10th Anniversary Ale, no problem; hit me up with some Arrogant Bastard. One
16 October 2006
check off my 10-beer checklist. Walking a distance of no more then thirteen steps, I found Coronado Brewing Co. Mermaid Red Ale was next; it was a reddish carmel-colored beverage that had a taste which only generous amounts of caramel malt could give it: decent. Redhook Ale Brewery; sure, why not? “Serve it up Mr. Beer Man,” I say. Check three and four I think. Walking further to my left I see food. Beer and Bratwurst, God’s gift to man, which can only come in the form of a hideous beer belly by the age of 22; the brat was amazing. Check five and six came at the hands of Kona Brewing Company; I feel heavy. Choppier steps as I walk past the sage where it looks like a chick is doing her best Cassandra impression from Wayne’s World; not cool man. Then it happened; one of my friends told me that it was a good idea to drink out of the overflow bin. This thing was being used to catch the overflow for all of five different beers that were being offered by Karl Strauss Brewing Company. I did it, much to the chagrin the guy I spilled half of it on; sorry man. The last thing I remember from that glorious night, was someone saying that they were pouring full pints of some brewing company’s “Double IPA.” This ended the night for me. My reminders of the night came in the morning, the form of brat, all over the toilet.
“Harmless Hangovers” Many drinkers claim that a hangover causes no bodily harm. A hangover is the result of a by-product of alcohol metabolism called acetaldehyde, which is more toxic than alcohol. What you experience after a night of drinking is your body’s violent reaction to being poisoned, which is never “harmless.”
6.
“Over-the- Counter Cures” Most drinkers will take Aspirin, Tylenol, or Advil/Motrin to avoid or cure a hangover caused from dinking. Aspirin actually worsens a hangover and can lead to gastrointestinal discomfort and bleeding, and increases the absorption of alcohol in the stomach. Tylenol can increase you chances of liver disease (Advil/Motrin will have similar effects plus stomach bleeding).
7.
“I’m Not Even That Drunk” Drunk drivers often rationalize that once the blood alcohol level falls below .08 then it is safe to drive. False. If you are in the hangover stage then it is unsafe to drive due to the acetaldehyde that is still present in your system; however, a Breathalyzer cannot detect this. It has been shown that 19 out of 22 people drove 20% worse when hung-over.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Must Present Coupon cannot combine with any other offer exp 10/30/06
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Throw Review Down the Well Review of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Top 3 Movies About Drinking of All Time! Beerfest (2006) I’m not sure if it just was that I first saw this movie with the Broken Lizard guys a few rows behind me, but I nearly pissed myself on more than one occasion while watching this for the first time. As with Super Troopers, it’s the little stuff in Beerfest that gets to me: One guy trying to ride a five-seat tandem bicycle, “Schnitzengiggle,” an effeminate male prostitute scavenging for discarded quarters, “Call me, Landfill, too,” etc. The only regret I had while watching this in the theatre was that I couldn’t get drunk. There’s no doubt in my mind that this movie will go the way of Animal House and become a classic drinking movie, but is it too much to ask that Broken Lizard have one legitimate box-office hit?
By Miles Lemaire
T
here are people—people who I’d never like to meet—that will not like Borat. These people are probably some of the stars of the film. The premise for Borat is simple: a Kazakh reporter goes to the United States to make a film about American culture for his homeland. Along the way he falls in love with Pamela Anderson, buys an ice cream truck and travels to California in the hopes of marrying her. Everything that happens in between is amazing. The plot of Borat—which actually skewers the conventions of the genre a bit—is not really that important. However, the character, Borat, is one of the greatest satirical vehicles created since Nigel Tufnell in This is Spinal Tap. He’s anti-Semitic, filthy and doesn’t respect women, but there’s something about the innocence in which he says such awful things that brings out the best from his targets (i.e. everyone he meets). In a strange way, he’s no more evil than the ignorant rednecks or frat boys that he encounters throughout his trip. Like them, he’s been raised with a certain point of view and doesn’t realize that the things he says are horrible.
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Previews • Reviews • Release Dates
Animal House (1978)
“Come and see my movie film, you like!” Had this film been released as a loose collections of sketches shot in the heartland of the US, it would have been just as funny. The key to Sacha Baron Cohen’s (Ali G) comedy has always been in the reactions of his targets and the fearlessness of his satire. As Borat, Cohen infiltrates a feminist headquarters, a Texas rodeo, an evangelical church, and an elderly Jewish couple’s home. Even when placed in situations where the things he says and does could get him seriously hurt (there are a few instances where this is the case), Cohen pushes forward, never breaking character, even when doing so could save him from getting killed. The toughest part about writing this review is keeping the specifics of the movie a secret. The film won’t be out for another couple of weeks, but I want the rest of the world to see it so that I can talk about it with them. I want to quote lines in my horrible Borat accent. I want to debate which parts were scripted and which weren’t. But more than anything else, I just want to see it again. I mentioned This is Spinal Tap earlier because that’s really the only movie worth comparing Borat to. Aside from the obvious aesthetic values of both films, they’re equally funny and infinitely re-watchable in a way that few films are these days. When I was a kid, I watched Spinal Tap at least once—sometimes twice—a day for an entire month. I feel like I’ll probably do the same when Borat finally comes out on DVD. And although Will Ferrell knocked another one out of the park earlier this year with Talladega Nights (also starring Cohen) and the Broken Lizard guys made my all-time favorite drinking comedy with Beerfest, I have no qualms in saying that Borat is the funniest movie of the year. Far and away.
What would you do with an explanation of this film’s place on the list if I provided it for you? I won’t, but I’d like to know what good it would do you. Saying that this movie is one of the best of the subgenre is like saying that sunlight is a great source of natural lighting. Instead, I’ll clue you in to this great new invention called the internet, which my friends have been telling me about for years and I’ve just now decided to check out. Word count informs me that I’ve still got a bit of space to fill before I’ve reached my quota of 150. Another 40 words or so, and you and I can both go back to doing what we do best: drinking and watching movies. I’d include writing, but this article has proven that I’m no longer fit to…oops, met my quota.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995) This 1995 instant bummer classic stars Nicolas Cage as a screenwriter whose alcohol problem leaves him alone and out of work. Hating himself and his life he figures it would be a great idea to head to Vegas, get a hotel room at a cheap hotel, and drink himself to death. He is off to a good start, drinking a full quart of bourbon in about twenty seconds, when he meets a prostitute (Elizabeth Shue) who decides to board up with him while he continues to drown himself in boozeahol. This is definitely the movie to watch if you hate your life and need that final nail in the coffin. It was filmed in super 16mm format leaving a raw and heartbreaking Cage in perfect form. Go into a dark room with a plastic bottle of Popov and a damp blanket, cower in the corner and check it out.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
–By Miles Lemaire and Katie Wynne
16 October 2006
Reel News Marie Antoinette
PG-13 “Let them eat cake.” The words of a queen who was swept up in propaganda and scandal at a period in France’s history when the tides of change came crashing down upon those in power. The film, directed by Sofia Coppola, follows the story of the French Queen, Marie Antoinette, as she is snatched out of her life at the age of 14 to begin grooming for a position of power that would lead her down a tragic path paved in gold. As her naiveté is cast aside, and she begins to grasp control of her life, she is confronted with a revolution.
21 Gun Salute for The Departed A Review of The Departed
S
corsese has taken five trips to the Oscars for some of the greatest movies ever made, and yet remains without the entertainment industry’s most prestigious award. Certainly he’ll have another shot with his latest effort, The Departed, which centers on an undercover agent (DiCaprio) infiltrating Boston’s Irish mob, who have in turn planted a spy (Damon) in the highest level of the State Department. To come away with the statue, The Departed will have to succeed where such iconic movies as Goodfellas and Raging Bull have failed. Some early reviews called the film better than Goodfellas, but whether it’s as complete and timeless is still up for speculation. The acting is on par, and that’s no small feat considering the comparing cast has such heavyweights as Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci in one of their most lauded and recognizable roles. Leo delivers one of his finest performances though not terribly unlike his role in another Scorsese film, Gangs of New York, in which he plays a rogue that deceives the leader of a gang, taking up with him while plotting revenge for his dead father. This role is much edgier and showcases a conflicted and strung-out, red-eyed DiCaprio and his most convincing acting. On the other side of the action is Matt Damon as a less admirable, but equally impressive character. His Southie accent is second to none, and he plays the de-
testable, clean-cut bad guy bit as good as any I’ve ever seen. Come Oscar time it’s going to be all Jack Nicholson, for his role as the top dog of the Boston Mafia. He’s wily, disheveled and absolutely out of his mind in a conscienceless way; it’s classic Nicholson. His character is made great by the many nuances—the hideous disregard of his mismatched pompous wardrobe, his crass diction, and a dirty intellectualism displayed by the best criminals. The supporting cast is just as impressive. Mark Wahlberg really deserved some more screen time. Almost every line he gives is brilliant, and he makes ordinary lines sound brilliant. And Alec Baldwin is exactly what everyone wanted—Alec Baldwin. As a suspense thriller, The Departed is top notch. The story unfolds linearly, though a scene will often be spread out over a couple interspersing scenes. As the movie progresses you get a look at the similar paths taken by Damon and DiCaprio, and the parallelism of the radically different directions by their lives of deception. You get a sense of injustice watching DiCaprio embroiled in a daily struggle for his life, getting shit on at every turn while Damon’s scummy character lives in luxury and is praised daily for his faked efforts against the mafia. The two soon become aware of each other, and spend the duration of the movie in a long, delicate mission to
pull up a stool with cynthia romanowski
Flags of Our Fathers
find out the identity of one another and ensure their own survival. Scorsese does a fantastic job of directing this film, absolutely worth an Oscar and all the acclaim that’s already come his way. The cinematography is interesting throughout, and draws attention to various techniques employed in the movie. There’s really no aspect that appears to have been half-assed, no overly-Hollywood moment that ruined it. The Departed has everything Scorsese’s best films had, and more, leaving it to the competition to beat him out for the Oscar. Goodfellas and Raging Bull were incredible movies, but they ran into some stiff competition come Oscar time. This year, there haven’t been any Dances With Wolves or The Pianists; I’ve got to believe the coast is clear this year, and Scorsese will finally get his long overdue accolades.
-By Patrick Dooley
R During the war torn times of 1945, six unsuspecting soldiers became immortalized as heroes for bearing the American Flag in a fateful battle in the Pacific. The story, based on the best-selling book by James Bradley and Ron Powers, follows the battle for Iwo Jima during WWII and the aftermath that followed those six men who fought for their country and became part of a legend.
The Prestige
PG-13 Following the tale of two magicians, (Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman) the audience is taken into a world of illusion and magic, between which there is a fine line that few dare to cross. We watch as the course of time transforms a simple feud into a vendetta for supremacy. How far would one be willing to go to be the best? And how much further would one be willing to go to learn the secret behind the ultimate illusion?
Aroma Di Roma Whether you’re looking for something sweet, a delicious sandwich or a good place to study and enjoy a great cup of coffee, Aroma Di Roma on 2nd Street is easy to miss but worth looking for. “This is the best coffee shop on 2nd Street,” said Aroma Di Roma customer and Belmont Shore local, Natalie Newel, “and the service is cute, friendly and on your level.” Even though it’s a small café it has over 18 panini to choose from, all served on toasted foccacia bread. The food, coffee and gelato are all made perfectly and are so satisfying it’s no surprise why so many people make Aroma Di Roma their café of choice on 2nd Street. Every year owner Tim Terrell travels to Rome to keep up on trends and recipes to make sure his restaurant is a true Italian style café. And it shows, with classic menu items like prociutto and mozzarella and more exotic choices like a swordfish panino with mayonnaise al limon, tomatoes, arugula and capers. Obviously, Aroma Di Roma is an excellent choice for lunch between classes. But even if you’re not that hungry do try one of their delicious coffee drinks, like my personal favorite, the Carmel Machiavelli. Or go for the cool creamy gelato which comes in more than 24 different flavors like blackberry champagne and white chocolate raspberry to name a couple. The prices are reasonable too, it’s about $7-9 for a panino, salad or pizza; $2-4 for coffee and $3-4 for gelato. Besides the food they also have two flat-screen TVs where live soccer is on anytime there’s a game and a chessboard if you’re feeling competitive. www.aromadiroma.com 5327 E. 2nd St. Long Beach 562-434-6353
16 October 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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This Week: Line Rider This week Mike had planned for me to read The Scarlet Letter but... uhmm. Whatever, I’ve been busy... Besides, who wants to read a letter by that breezy from “The Island” anyhow? I mean, yeah there’s things I’d like to do to her, many involving motor boat noises (BRHHHBUUBRBRBRRB!), but none of them involve reading! What have I been busy with? LINE RIDER, THAT’S WHAT! “What’s that?” you ask, “Stop reversing the words in my sentences!” I reply. It’s this sweet game where you draw a line and this dude sleds on it. Yeah, so what, it doesn’t sound cool but it is. Mike told me that reading is more important than sledding on pretend lines because nobody has ever won a nobel prize for drawing lines for a stick man with a red scarf to sled on. WHATEVER. THEY SHOULD.
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What’s so different about the two anyway? Sure, books are as old as time (I bet they can’t drive and they crap their pants a lot) but new forms of entertainment can be just as valid. For example, Line Rider sounds pretty stupid when you first hear about it, but once you play it you really start to get a sense of why everybody is crazy about it. You can create a world for this little man with a little red scarf to play in, make him do jumps and loops, you can even kill him and watch him fall to his death for the rest of eternity. The best part about this is that this simple game has evolved at the hand of its players into a social activity. People who create great levels will take video of them and post it on the internet, or friends will get together and constantly try to outdo each other. This game has created a community which caused the game to evolve and it has only been out for about 2 weeks! (as a beta version) Who knows how long this cycle could repeat itself? What I’m trying to say here is that there are many forms of legitimate ways to entertain yourself and enrich your life. Books are great for some people, people who smell and can’t get friends. For the rest of us, however, who is to say that new forms of media, entertainment, and community aren’t as legitimate? Plus, he can do loopey loops!
Ambitious Brew: The Story of American Beer
By Maureen Ogle Harcourt Publishing 384 Pages Reviewed By Brian Dunning
I
f there is one thing better than an American book written under the influence of alcohol, it’s a book written about the influence of alcohol in America. Maureen Ogle’s Ambitious Brew traces the roots of commercial American beer brewing back to the German immigrants that founded the tradition. Ogle
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
brings to life 19th-century Milwaukee and St. Louis, where the companies that would eventually become Pabst Brewing and Anheuser-Busch began, detailing their early goals of bringing German biergartens to America to replace the dank saloons that had monopolized American drinking establishments. Believe it or not, Pabst actually earned that Blue Ribbon over one hundred years ago, but as drinking trends changed in America — notably a transition to spirits during and after Prohibition — so did the marketing of beer. Breweries began changing formulas, placing a greater emphasis on the bottom line than on the beer itself, resulting in the highly profitable, less-filling, less-tasty brews we’re familiar with today; great-tasting stouts, porters, and ales that defined the early brewing attitudes were replaced with bland, watery lagers made from concentrate. As monopolies emerged, many popular breweries were not able to keep up with the blistering brewing pace set by A-B and Miller. By the end of the 1970s, the number of brewers in America had crashed to an all-time low and set the stage for the micro-brewing revolution that followed. We are currently in the middle of an interesting time in American brewing history; there have never been more breweries operating in America than there are right now. Thanks to a small handful of Californian breweries, including Anchor Steam and Sierra Nevada, microbreweries began reminding Americans why they fell in love with the hoppy beverage in the first place. Though Budweiser still has a commanding 18% of the beer market, it’s nice to know that beer enthusiasts no longer have to look overseas to find great tasting ales, porters, lagers, and stouts. The parallels between modern microbrewers and the German immigrants who came to realize the American Dream are fascinating, and for anyone wondering how Budweiser became the King of Beers, Ambitious Brew is an amazing resource.
16 October 2006
The Road
The Sandman
By Neil Gaiman Pictures By Sam Keith, Dave McKean and Many Others DC/ Vertigo 240 Pages, $13.49
the Sandman of the 1930s DC universe, who Reviewed By gasses evil-doShar Higa ers with the help of his teenaged sidekick Sandy the Golden Boy. This is not the Sandman of t begins like this: you are walk- 1950s doo-wop who will, if you sing ing, slowly but purposefully. most melodiously, bring you a dream Your footsteps echo down a long (the sweetest that you’ve ever seen). hallway and echoes trip over each No. This is Dream. He has domain other, seeming to come from ev- over hopes and imaginings. His lierywhere at once. Other than that, braries are filled with all of the stories there is silence. There are no smells. never written. He has the power to The walls are covered in a green vel- give you nightmares that will never vet that shifts as you walk: lime and fade upon waking. The secret octurquoise, stripes and spots, faces of cultist group (all capes and cloaks) old lovers. You find a light switch and should not have fucked with him. flick it. Nothing. Dream is one of the seven siblings You are dreaming. called the Endless, who each repreThese hallways are his hallways. sent an aspect of existence. The oldest These walls are his walls. And the is Destiny, the youngest is Delirium light, if it comes on at all, will be at (once called Delight). Their stories his wish and will flicker according to are here too, intricately woven into the whim of Dream of the Endless. the fabric of each story. At the end of In the first storyarc of the Sandman the series, there is a family funeral. series, which DC Comics began pubOver the course of 8 years and 75 lishing in 1988, the King of Dreams is issues, the inestimable Neil Gaiman summoned by a secret occultist group spun, meticulously and artfully, a (all capes and cloaks), stripped of his universe of extreme depth, horror, objects of power, and imprisoned for and beauty. By the time the series seventy years. Remember: this is not ended in 1996, we had witnessed a
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16 October 2006
serial killer’s convention, the destruction of a little girl’s dream world, the life and death of the only Emperor of America, and the first production of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream. In one arc, Lucifer grows bored of Hell and hands Dream the key. Each story is expertly crafted and delivered in visual perfection by some of the best artists in any medium. Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman is commonly regarded as one of the best comic series of all time. Endless Nights, the epilogue released in 2003, was the first hardcover graphic novel ever to crack the New York Times’ bestseller list. All ten volumes of the regular series are in print, at your local bookstore, for less than $20 a pop. Last week DC gave the series its VIP treatment, releasing the first of three Absolute editions—recolored and printed on thick, glossy paper encased in leather binding. If you can spare the big money (list price is $99, but you can find it cheaper on Amazon or at some local comic shops), there is no better way to read The Sandman. It is one of the most beautiful pieces of art ever created, transcending genres and media. At times, it seems realer than reality. Do not be surprised if it begins to shape your dreams. Do not be startled if it does not stop there.
How Reading One Book Changed My Outlook Forever By Cormac McCarthy Published By Alfred A. Knopf 241 Pages $24.00
Picking up this book piqued my interest; the glossy black cover with red lettering only Reviewed By Charlene Galicia brought on the vibes of a serious duty to do: to read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and not let it affect me. The battle was lost, and I accepted the future. It alludes to the possibility that may bring many emotions to one’s mind: fear, sadness, and confusion, which aren’t the equation to a “happy ever after.” It tells the story of a man and his son after the much dreaded Apocalypse occurs. Devastation is shown all around them, where cities stand burned and empty, land unfertile, the sea and sky covered in ash and no sign of life. McCarthy’s different turn from writing Western novels such as the well-known All the Pretty Horses, doesn’t diminish his talents at the pen, expressing the survival of the man and son through their bond of unquestionable trust and love. The unusual part of the novel is the treatment the man and son give each other; the child as an equal with the man, with a say in what they do in order to survive their travels through the ruined land. The fear and sadness expressed throughout the book will bring questions to mind: What if this happens tomorrow? Who will survive? Would I kill a man so that I live? You have to read this masterpiece to understand the story of these two people’s journey toward the ocean, where the hope of a better land than the ash colored snow of the mountains they cross is at the end of their travels. The message of this story can only be understood by reading the truth that is deeper than any artery you could ever cut; the possibility of what can happen to us at any time, through the hate and violence that happens every day, if we do not learn to set aside our differences and our past mistakes. It will make you rethink how you affect this world; how you live your life today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Creative Arts] Art by Jimmy Dinh
Vantage Guardian
Aiming a dart at this blood black hallow heart, watch it burst and break apart more now than at the start.
Venom all through my veins, darkness in brains and retinas reign as her spell concludes our loving tail.
Vantage Guardian
Jared Kenelm Collins We talk about the waters, stars and sky About the beauty out there waiting The potential of humanity The negligence of their spirits That if only a few would rise against the monster As you against me, one spinning year ago The silent angel whispered toward my path Then compassion could heal the world’s heart To float upon eternity o’er depthless void The truth would bring enlightenment And wrap me in a light, yet warm, embrace And, knowing ourselves completely Where acceptance played across her face We would find that the God out there That spirit of so many disunited names We spoke of life entire upon that porch Living in everything divine upon this earth That rose ‘bove grasses, a beacon to the mind Could never be a lonely God I awaited judgment on the sands Where compassion grew For in each of us, we hold so close At infinity’s warmest end And truth alone was granted passage That spirit held in happiness Feet observing a thousand worlds Through the heart and soul to mind Where the answer clicks within In sand grains tossed about by winds As we explored the depths of self Your eyes sparkle with their usual beautiful luster So still now, and so clear Reaching through void once again And I feel the seasons change Where stars reflected on calmest waters To find the answer Hoping I’ve finally given back Though I desired, still, a vantage point more near The answer that does not exist To the guardian angel that gave me life Where humanity’s reach While we leave the comfort of the known So narrow and feeble, yet extended Staring out ‘cross water and sky beyond Then you have no fear anymore An arm, unknowing, into our infinity Contented peacefully in now You’re completely free. Where I awaited verdict, as Questioning those things that repress us Wondering why we give them power Simply through sorrowful recognition Late in starlight, August Fifth I stood upon the steps in darkness Taking in the night, so crisp Eyes transfixed by wayward stars More sentient than I, so they First saw as she approached Behind me to unlock the gates And extend to me a gaze so pure As I extend the folded square as lure And with a grin to fate, declare So it begins, my Blessed Defiant
Don’t walk straight, you won’t reach the sun Did I walk on cold ground? Or am I jus walking on air? Leave me alone If not now, just forever A city of dust Lives within me My head has been your ashtray Please don’t blow I got to stay Make me live without a reason Place to place, as of lifeless sand Watch me dry, A red rose given Look at the way it folds itself to death By your eyes today Gray clouds never need to be hated Many think that they are depressing I enjoy having them, covering the sky empty gray Or maybe I am just one step behind from everyone else As the sun gets pulled up To stop at the horizon My thoughts awake to feed me As well to take my energy away
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Maybe she’s at the mall to find and crawl back with someone else to their stall, just another horse bitten by her magic. Moment unknown and tragic victim to her venom I fall to the witch. Hidden fantasies played out but which door in this endless hall is that bitch having a ball?
Strolling down snakes trail suddenly steamrolled by a meat plow driven by someone as artificial as an overplayed decal on a blond suburban from so-cal. Slammed, hit from the blindside my trust wide and humming the tune soon to be forgotten like eggs in the fridge turned rotten. Spoiled to the inner core head boiled intense in thought hair foiled, motives coil as venom anticipates her next strike.
Venom Omid Mousaei
Photo by Michael Yee
Did I deserve to never See the ocean with you The ocean that is full of trash But somehow we manage to accept it How it was, what it was, for what it will be Our first kiss near water, under one sun I wonder how the fish Manages to live In salt, trash, and the Mechanical robots that are always Covering their surface To catch air, to see the round sun Watch gray clouds, and beg the mankind to stay Away, far away… I wonder if the sea creatures Fall in love And pray for a better day Than yesterday Or perhaps they fuck another And move on They pretend like we do Lie, run to nowhere, and die like We do
I don’t have any access to advance science But I have a brain I think? And ten cheap fingers made out of Things that I don’t have any knowledge of Or care for anymore Maybe one day I become Handy To someone, something, But till that day Life just moves on!
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
16 October 2006
[Comics] Tom By Andrew Wilson
androidwilsonx@aol.com
Life and Times By Lewis Grey
Flightless Bird-Boy By Christopher Troutman
Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake
kookoo.monsquad.com
Bad Pun Comic By Boy and Girl
Across 1- Muse of poetry in Greek mythology 6- Type of song, to be sung solo 10- Building wings 14- Pertaining to the moon 15- Title bestowed upon the wife of a raja
16- Kicker 17- High-speed separator 20- Meadow 21- Latin-American dance 22- Storage center 23- Pop 24- Fairly dry, when describing champagne 25- Agent 32- Weeping
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
16 October 2006
33- Monetary unit of Iran 34- Of recent origin 35- New Orleans is The Big ___ 36- Stony gray 38- Verge 39- Woman created from the rib of Adam 40- “Is ___ it?” 41- Wild rose
42- Given to using long words 46- Vase 47- Paradise 48- Reddish dye 51- Religion of the Muslims 53- Periodical, briefly 56- Cause light to pass through 59- Capone’s nemesis 60- Slip 61- Drawing room 62- Wan 63- Spouse 64- Aids Down 1- 12th month of the Jewish religious calendar 2- Dominion 3- Rectangular pier 4- Paving material 5- Art of public speaking 6- Places of contest 7- Tolled 8- Excited about 9- Atmosphere 10- Result 11- Half-mask 12- Trademark 13- Keep it, to an editor
18- Juniper 19- Standard of perfection 23- Agile 24- Remain 25- Steal, ransack 26- Moves with care 27- Efface 28- It may be picked 29- Gandhi’s land 30- Dairy eschewer 31- Pitcher 32- Driving aids 36- Type of guard 37- Edge 38- Ireland 40- Rotates 41- Flaw 43- Throat abscess 44- Deceive 45- According to the Bible, he was the first man 48- Sicilian volcano 49- Minerals 50- Scarf 51- Actress Chase 52- Split 53- Public walk 54- On 55- Mil. leaders 57- Doctrine 58- Not for a Scot
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Easy
Medium
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[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
How to Play Sudoku
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Easy
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Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com
Medium
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
16 October 2006
VOLUME 59
HER BALLS ARE UGLY
ISSUE 8
Red Lobster Introduces “All You Can Pay Buffet” By The Sophomaniac
GRUNION SACK PROVIDER
I Area ‘Man’ Ridiculed for Admiring Nature’s Beauty
By Avocado Bean Dip Long Beach, CA– Local ‘man’ Chuck Curtis claims to have been “mercilessly ridiculed” last Friday by a group of his heterosexual male friends for what he called, “an innocent observation on nature’s beauty.” “I was just sitting there, admiring the natural beauty of a crisp autumn day, when I found myself at a loss of words,” recalled Curtis, “and when I attempted to communicate this with my fellow heterosexual friends, they immediately began ridiculing me.” “Yeah, I called him a flamer,” said ridiculer Lance Lemiox in a fake lisp, “and I’d know too. The guy can really lick a ballsack, not that I’d know or anything, but I mean really, what kind of heterosexual male admires nature’s beauty, other than myself of course? Did you see that rainbow yesterday? God, it was magnificent!”
Kirsten Dunst Mistaken As Sexy
By Fancy Lash Long Beach, CA- Foot-faced actress Kirsten Dunst was recently mistaken as someone that you might actually want to look down at during a sexual exchange. “What?” said local podiatrist, Erin Cruise. “I totally think she’s hot!” Ms. Cruise probably isn’t bothered by the fact that Ms. Dunst’s teeth look like broken rocks, or that you can see her ribcage through her nipples. She’s probably also un-fazed by the toe-nail growing out of the back of Dunst’s tangled mass of greasy hair. “Dude, you guys are fucking idiots,” said Ms. Cruise, who then proceeded to stroke a bruised and broken foot with a wig on it. “Oh, Mary Jane!”
n a last ditch effort to rescue sinking profits, the one-time decent Red Lobster Restaurant franchise launched their latest promotional effort, “All You Can Pay Buffet” this week, marking the latest attempt to recover the failing company and send seafood sales back into the red. CEO Ted Ferguson boasted about the ingenious marketing ploy and took credit for creating such a simple solution to the sales problems. “Well, this is actually quite brilliant,” Ferguson told reporters at a press conference unveiling the new program. “With ‘All You Can Pay Buffet,” the customers are invited to dig as deep into their pockets, pocket books and wallets as they can reach, all while dining on a set—and really very small—portion of food.” In the last few months Red Lobster has undertaken several campaigns in futile attempts to both bring in money and cut costs. Intending to limit company spending by reducing employee payroll, regional managers of the company instituted “Wash Your Own Dishes Day” with only modest success. Another program aimed to improve upon special family-oriented days recognized in much of corporate America, with the implementation of “Bring Your Kid To Work Full-Time Day.” Ferguson defended the promotion, saying, “Almost every company celebrates Bring Your Kid To Work Day. Our program simply illustrates how much more inviting and family-oriented Red Lobster really is.”
SLOBSTER: A man does something with a lobster at some point in some place. This picture is proof of that. Despite the short-lived success brought about by termination-leery employees, these company-saving events eventually saw an end. Taking a new direction that would bolster sales revenues while placing the extra income solely on the shoulders of the customers, Red Lobster big-wigs decided to experiment with “Pot Luck Tuesdays,” in which everyone dining on Tuesday was offered free seating for bringing their own entree and side dish. Long-time Red Lobster hostess Sharon Freemont, 38, recalled the lack of support for “Pot Luck Tuesday,” telling reporters, “Yeah, that one never re-
It’s a Tough Market Out There
By Donald Williams, former CTO GRUNION OPINIONEER
Last Friday marked the fourth unsuccessful interview I have gone to this month. It is amazing how bad the job market is right now. I happened to have graduated sixth in my class at Dartmouth College with a degree in Computer Science. I do not deserve to suffer the pangs of economic decay. I blame the pending crisis with Iraq; companies have gone into hiring freezes while they wait for some kind of closure. Plus, now we have North Korea to worry about and investors remain on the fence until our war situation gets resolved. So, here I am, unemployed and pissed off.
On Friday my prospective employer recommended that I look to Knott’s Berry Farm’s Halloween Haunt for a job. Can you believe that guy? I asked him what he thought I could do there and all he did was give me a blank stare. Probably because he knows there are no CTO or CIO positions available and he was just trying to send me on a wild goose chase. Seriously, it is so frustrating when you are capable of overseeing a company’s IT needs and assisting company-wide users with Management Information Services, ya know? I mean I have built Microsoft Exchange Servers to enhance email capability, upgraded Microsoft Windows NT 4.0 to Server 2003, implemented firewall and an enterprise antivirus, directed development of corporate EDI system to reduce charge back and increased company compliance performance by 65%. C’Mon! All I am asking is for this market to open up again. What kind of future are we creating for this country’s future graduates? Please stop this war so that we normal, everyday Americans can go back to work already.
UN Releases Sanctions By Father McKenzie
GRUNION DOOKIE DIXIE CHICK
This Tuesday, the international pop group U.N. will be releasing its fourth album, titled: Sanctions (North Korea). Initial reviews have been mostly favorable, with many reviewers pleased at the speed with which the new collection is following U.N.’s last release. But older fans are crying that the new release lacks the strength of U.N.’s older material, claiming that it barely elicits any emotional response, and that it’s “easy to ignore.”
The band’s core audience is demanding they start returning to their old, hardcore sound, before they become completely irrelevant.
ally took off. We had a little better luck with the ‘Buy One Get One For Twice As Much’ offer we had for a while. That was when we gave you an entrée of equal or more value for twice as much, provided you buy the first dinner at full price.” Ferguson stated that as CEO he would continue to try alternative special offers to boost profit numbers. “If none of this works,” he said at the press conference, “we’ll have to look to the future and new methods of scraping a few extra dollars out of our diminishing clientele. Perhaps a 15% on deal…Does that make sense?”
My New Mix Tape Really Clarifies Situation in Middle East By Daryl DeBurgles
GRUNION OPINION HAVER
I think a lot of people have given up the fight for peace. And that’s sad. We have to have the courage to use our positive power to show the world that violence is not the answer. Peace is the answer. Community is the answer. But if you’re still confused about it, take a listen to this mixtape I made. Maybe you just can’t understand that the American point of view is one of ignorance, immaturity, imperialism and ignorance. So I’ve got “American Idiot” By Green Day, and “Big Yellow Taxi” by Billie Joe Armstrong. I’ll bet it changes a few hearts about how the US treats other countries. Not very well, I’d say. But what do we do about it? Protest. And so I’ve put some great protest songs, including the original protest song “Stop Hey What’s That Sound?” No one’s sure who wrote it, but it still rings true in today’s powder-keg world. I’ve also included “Toxicity” by System Of A Down (totally underrated) and “Big Yellow Taxi” by Bob Dylan, one of the best American protest songwriters in the past 35 years. And we all know who’s to blame for all of the world’s problems today: President Bush. If he stopped being president, we could finally have peace and love. My mixtape really gets this across with the songs “Dear Mr. President” by Pink, and “Moron” by Sum 41. There’s also a song by Radiohead which I can’t really understand, but I’ve heard they’re anti-Bush in their songs too. Finally, there’s songs which show how much better life can be when you follow the righteous path of non-involvement. Songs like “Waitin’ on the world to change” by John Mayer, and “Big Yellow Taxi” by the Counting Crows. Hopefully, through rejection of negative influences and unwavering determination, we can stop the singleminded zealotry of the warmongers in the world. I’ve been distributing my mix everywhere I go, because every little bit helps. I would even send some to Iraq, but they don’t have CD players there yet.
VOLUME 59
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
Crippled Soldier Attempts To Shoot Self In Head See NO NUB FOR OIL Page 7
FUTURE ROLLING PAPERS
ISSUE 8
Drug-Sniffing Dog Follows Trail To Bobby Brown’s Stash
Headlines ‘Nuclear Tests’ Just an Elaborate Fart Joke
Kids Prepare For Nuclear Devastation
ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN: On account of the radiation, you see?
Plus-Sized Model Shocks Fashion Community
By Fancy Lash
GRUNION GENTLEMAN
A
s tensions intensified over the alleged North Korean underground nuclear test on Monday, news came from inside of Kim Jong Il’s personal entourage claiming that no such tests took place. “It’s a fart joke,” said palm leaf fan maiden Chung M. Bison. “We were all sitting around, fanning him, peeling the skin off of his grapes and babies, etc. when we felt the ground shake a little. Kim’s a big fan of Larry the Cable Guy, so he sort of made a joke about how his fart caused the earthquake. Then he said he was doing some underground nuclear testing. The pregnant woman that he was using as a chair didn’t laugh, so he executed her. The joke just sort of spiraled out of control from there.” This news has shocked the world community, prompting the UN to draw up new sanctions on fart jokes that may cause international incidents. Even China, North Korea’s main ally condemned Kim Jong Il for such a sophomoric display of “tomfoolery and shenanigans.” “Why would anyone make such a juvenile joke?” said Chinese President Hu Jintano. “He’s wasted everyone’s time with this idiotic bullshit. I mean, who wants to read something in the newspaper that’s essentially one big fart joke? At least now the story will end. Right?”
PULL MY STRING-ER: Kim Jong IL is even scarier in real life. Kim Jong Il is apparently furious with the response to his joke and has threatened to treat any sanctions on his flatulence as a declaration of war. “I’ll probably get killed for saying this,” said Bison, “But don’t worry about him. He’s only a threat to his own people. His battle plans are crude drawings of him riding on James Bond’s shoulders, surrounded by the words, ‘I love Whitney Houston.’ He keeps it all in a Trapper Keeper. Need I say more?”
The only country who has yet to speak out against North Korea, or support the new sanctions against the country is the United States. “I think that the two of us are finally beginning to see eye to eye,” said President Bush at a recent rodeo christening. After smashing a ceremonial bottle of champagne over a bull’s testicles, Bush praised the North Korean leader for the originality with which he constructed his joke. “He got me. I’m a sucker for the dookie.”
Cutbacks Force Pope to Close Purgatory
By Father McKenzie
didn’t fit one way or the other. They couldn’t commit to really being good, or really being bad, and now A further sign of hard times they’re in Shit City. It’s unfortunate, in the Catholic Church came last but that’s just business; it’s nothing Wednesday in the form of an anpersonal.” nouncement from the Pope that PurOf course, the now-jobless emgatory would be closing. “It’s simple ployees haven’t been taking things arithmetic; revenue is down, proso lightly, with dozens of union ductivity is down, the stockholders protests dotting the afterworld. are unhappy, and we flat out cannot The biggest union, the Purgatorial afford to keep a third location open Federation of Aborted Fetuses and at this point. Perhaps in the future Unbaptized Babies, or PFA-FUB, we’ll see a return to glory, but it ain’t seems dedicated to protecting their happening soon.” Financial analysts members in the wake of the closing. have been following the Church “This cannot, and will not stand,” closely since they announced their said union president [never given moral bankruptcy in the wake of the a first name] O’Connor. “We’ve alPedoPriest scandals of a few years ready been aborted once, and we ago, and no one is surprised by the won’t tolerate it happening again. massive cutbacks. These aren’t just our jobs, these are “This has been brewing in the our homes we’re talking about. We Church for a long time,” said Joshua will fill the streets with our dissatisGreenwald. “They’ve been hemorfied slime trails, and let the heavens rhaging credibility in the spiritual CHICKEN LIMBO: The big, sloppy doors to Purgatory will ring with our cries.” community for centuries, and it was mush together and sober up. Reaction aside, it’s undenionly a matter of time before it caught able that the PFA-FUB will need to up with them; PedoPriest was really adapt. There’s no clear consensus as just the straw that broke the papacy’s withered, hunched back. These to what the millions-strong union will do; clearly, they’d love to gain layoffs have been a long time coming.” employment in Heaven, but the highly selective applications process As for what will happen to Purgatory’s employees, the Pope will most likely send the majority heading south of the border. Never seemed completely indifferent. “Yes, they’ve served us well, but one to miss a shrewd business move, Satan has begun recruiting for they’ve always been third best, people; we’re all grownups here, and assembling an army of unborn fetuses, as predicted in Revelawe can admit that. They’re the rejects, the irregulars, the ones that tions. GRUNION GASH
CANKLE SORE: Get this disgusting display of humanatee out of my sight!
John Goodman Shaves Mustache
TOTAL RECALL: Observant readers will laugh doubly hard at this piece of shit joke.
Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to Fancylash@ lbunion.com if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.