[Issue 59.10] The Howloween Spooktacular! Letter from the Editor
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went as Indiana Jones one Halloween. I had just received my first leather jacket from my parents and was intent on wearing it wherever I could. So when the opportunity came to go to school as one of my favorite heroes, I was ecstatic. I borrowed my older cousin’s fedora hat, stuffed it with socks to fit my tiny head, and fashioned a section of rope to my belt to simulate a whip. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that I was a dead ringer for Indy, or at least Young Indy, and headed off to school to engage in the Halloween festivities with my friends. I was in high school. The hat was comically large on my head, I was still “growing into” my leather jacket, and I was channeling a character from a decadeold film. Needless to say, boys and girls alike mocked me. Apparently, the youth of my town had gathered together and decided that dressing up for Halloween was considered childish after entering high school, and had forgotten to pass the message along to myself. I distinctly remembering one especially cruel girl remarking that I “looked like a kid dressed up in his dad’s clothes.” It bothered me – I don’t know exactly why – but for years, I refused to dress up for Halloween. Soon, I stopped participating in the holiday all together – no candy, no costumes, and no scary movies – and assumed that everyone my age had done so as well. It wasn’t until I was invited to my first Halloween party in college that I saw that the spirit was alive and well. Costumed coeds came together for a night of drinking, partying, and downright revelry. It was amazing, and it opened up my eyes to the prospect of an adult holiday. Liquor would be our candy, bars would be our darkened neighborhoods, and the morning after would be more frightening than anything we could ever imag-
ine. But at the core of it, we’re still having fun like we did as children. This is not an uncommon experience. This year, Americans are expected to spend more than 5 billion dollars for Halloween costumes and related festivities, with an outstanding 80% of adults 25-34 going in costume. It’s a 1.5 billion dollar increase over last year according to the National Retail Federation’s survey, and in a few years time, Halloween spending could approach that of Father’s Day and the other zombie-worshipping holiday, Easter. It marks a significant change in trends for adults and the holiday, and gives me hope that Halloween can grow into the full-fledged national holiday it deserves to be. But this increase in popularity isn’t hard to understand when you think about what the holiday can mean for most people. It’s not just the promises of candy or trickery that gets people pumped for Halloween; those are just lies we’ve made up to occupy children until they’re old enough to drive themselves to a stranger’s darkened house on a random Tuesday night and threaten them for handouts. What really lures people to the holiday is that it affords us the opportunity to shed our normal image, let our hair down, and for a day, to be someone – or something – out of the ordinary. Whether we’re going as sexy schoolgirls when we’re normally pretty reserved, or we’re putting on our parents’ clothing in an attempt to look more adventurous, all we’re looking for is the chance to be someone else for a day. Now sit back and enjoy our third annual Howloween Spooktacular issue. It’s filled with horrors and frights and plenty of spooks. Our feature this week is brought to you by a crack team of young staffers who scoured the campus to get to the bottom of some of our school’s deepest and darkest secrets.
-Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
Short Story Contest Reminder The Union Weekly’s own Lit Page is sponsoring it’s third semesterly short story contest, this time with bigger cash payouts and more lax standards! If you’re interested in submitting, which, frankly, you should be, listen and listen close: send all entries, of 1,000 words or LESS, to shortstory@lbunion.com, by midnight on November 28th. At least $100 of total prize money will be available, and we expect to receive plenty of entries. All CSULB students, including employees of the Union Weekly, are eligible, and entries will be judged anonymously to ensure fairness. There’s some other legal mumbo jumbo, like that we’ll print the winners along with professional-level illustrations, and the like. But basically: 1,000 words or less, shortstory@lbunion.com, midnight on November 28th, lots of cash. Cool? Cool.
An Apology to a Reader Last week (Vol 59, No 9), we published information in an article titled “Et Tattoo, Brute?” to coincide with a Tattoo Cover-Up Art contest for our readers. What we did not know at the time was that the tattoo in question had a much larger back-story than we could have ever imagined. It turns out that “Valerie” is a student at our school, and a valued reader of the Union Weekly. We deeply regret that we did not more rigorously check the facts presented in the article.
Grade Your Professors We know you can go to hundreds of online sources to find ratings for your professors, but we’re not interested in just a grade – no, we’re looking for a little more. Give us an honest opinion of why your professor sucks (or doesn’t) so that your fellow students can benefit. We’ll post the results in an upcoming issue so that you can better plan your Spring 2007 schedule.
Class Title______________ Professor___________________ Grade______ GE____ Notes_________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Class Title______________ Professor___________________ Grade______ GE____ Notes_________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Please return your results to the Union Weekly offices in the University Student Union (U256a). We’re located next to the Music Listening Lounge and across from the Elektric Hair Salon. You may also email your results to info@lbunion.com, or fill out the form on www.lbunion.com.
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Dyin’ J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Ghould Yikes! Garglebascio Managing Editors Katie Sin Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Terrorizzett Business Manager
brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com
Ryan “Kurt” Kobane ryan@lbunion.com News Director Erin “Sickly” Hickey erin@lbunion.com Opinions Editor JJ “The Riddler” Fiddler fiddler@lbunion.com Sports Editor Matt “The Raven” Byrd byrd@lbunion.com Comics Editor Carolynn RoManos: The Hands of Fate Creative Arts Editor carolynn@lbunion.com Fancy Gash fancylash@lbunion.com Grunion Editor Patrick Boo!ley Intune Director Yikes! Garglebascio Literature Editor Rancid Beef Pallotta Entertainment Editor Rat Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Scary Calendar Editor
patrick@lbunion.com
beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com jenperry@lbunion.com
Kiiiillllllip Vargas philip@lbunion.com Illustration Editor Yikes! Garglebascio Shards of Glass Higa Dan “Your Future” Slimebacher Copy Editors Dyin’ Dunning Conor Terrorizzett Advertising Representatives sales@lbunion.com Dyin’ Dunning Jeff Ghould Graphic Design Jeff Ghould Web Design Shards of Glass Higa On-Campus Distribution Rusty Fence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Scare-emans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Kevin Ferguson, Michael Yee, Eric Bryan, Jenny Long, Laura Sardisco, Pete Olsen, Michael Mudge, Katy Thomas, Guiliano Di Pieri, Tommy Coleman, Annalisa Brizuela, Casey Curran, Michael Mermelstein, Jimmy Dinh, Christine Hodinh
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad revenue and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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30 October 2006
Opinions
The Cowardly Silencers of Free Speech
To keep with the Halloween theme, in this week’s column I’ll explain modern science’s view of a few recurring ideas from science fiction and fantasy. **** Levitation: As far as we know, true levitation just isn’t possible for most materials. To levitate, you need a force to counter that of Earth’s gravity. But the only forces extending over larger-thanatomic distances that we can control are electricity, magnetism, and gravity. If we were to use gravity, though, then the device providing the levitation force would need to be comparable in mass to the Earth itself. So our only options are electricity and magnetism. Materials in electric fields attract to maxima in the force fields, and maxima in force fields only occur interior to the materials emitting them, so we are only left with those few materials that are attracted to minima in magnetic fields. Materials that do this polarize to oppose magnetic fields and are called paramagnetic. We are lucky, though, because one such material is water, which means people may be levitated. (As it turns out, some of the research being done with magnets at this school will result in designs of devices that can accomplish this type of levitation.) We are unlucky, though, because this means levitation must be caused by a seperately supported device exterior to what is being levitated, and thus selfcontained levitation isn’t possible, so we’ll likely never have the thrustless hoverboards from Back to the Future. **** 21 grams: In 1907 Dr. Duncan MacDougall attempted to show that the soul had a physical component. He tried to do this by measuring the weight of a human body before and after death considering any weight lost to be the weight of the soul. Unfortunately, his methods weren’t scientific and his results varied widely between patients, leaving no clear conclusion about the soul. It is a mystery as to why, but many people, MacDougall included, took his work to mean that the soul weighed precisely 21 grams. Even if his results were consistent, there are reasons for weight loss during death that aren’t supernatural. Even if you were able to measure exactly all the mass that left the body during death and accounted for it the human body would still appear to lose additional weight. This is because, much like a fish is buoyant in water and seems lighter when it dies so it floats, a human is buoyant in air and when it dies also seems lighter. This isn’t actually the result of losing mass in either case but the result of bloating. By keeping the same mass and increasing in volume a corpse decreases in density and so seems lighter relative to the air. **** Invisibility: Some people seem to think it would be good to be invisible. One of the most common reasons is to get away with being a peeping tom. The thing people never seem to realize is that being invisible would completely negate anything positive that could come from it. For instance, if you were
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Illustration By Andrew Wilson
By Conor Izzett
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Business Manager
einrich Heine, a 19th century German poet, wrote, “Where they burn books, they will end in burning human beings.” No one group is more synonymous with book burning than the Nazis, but by no means did they invent the practice. Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of unified China, ordered the mass collection and burning of all philosophy books that were not written in his home state of Qin. Many popes have been guilty of burning Jewish literature. Before the invention of the printing press, it wasn’t entirely inconceivable that a work might be wiped out, but once mass-production became a reality, it became all the more difficult if not practically impossible. Even today there are incidences of church-initiated burnings of Harry Potter books which, I must say, is understandable. Harry poses quite a threat. So why the history lesson? Well, last week about 2,000 issues of the Union were stolen over the course of a couple days, and although this is a free newspaper, that’s not to say that it is without value. People burn books in an attempt to silence an opposing or undermining viewpoint, most times because they don’t have the brains to form a reasonable argument against it. The weak-minded fools who burn books or otherwise destroy literature are burning more
than paper. They are burning the greater ideals that we should all hold dear. They are destroying the collective work and beliefs of many people, whose hearts and souls have often been poured onto the page. What’s more is that book burning is largely ineffective. Even when books were being written out by hand it was rare for any work to be entirely snuffed out. The destruction of a work serves to embolden the author. While Catholic popes were ordering the destruction of Jewish literature, Jewish scribes were doubling their efforts in penning new copies, and although the Catholics came close to succeeding, copies of the Torah and the Talmud survived. Book burning inspires new works as well; the likes of Ray Bradbury, Aldous Huxley, and George Orwell were influenced to write books that were further detrimental to the causes of book burners. Those that seek to destroy literature will never succeed no matter how hard they try because you just can’t stamp out human dissent. I don’t want to veer into exaggeration. The Unions weren’t thrown away because they expressed some great ideals that threatened some dictatorial madman. Odds are the Unions were taken because someone didn’t like the fact that a blurry vagina was printed on the back page two weeks ago. Although the Union may not always express great ideals in print, it always expresses great ideals in spirit; that the pen is
mightier that the sword, that discourse is better than destruction, and that satire is the greatest literary device in existence, despite the fact that most people just don’t get it. So to whoever stole the papers, I’ll say this: you’re not the first and you probably won’t be the last. For every issue that you stole, three others were read. Every time you attempt to silence us we will come back louder, and the next time you try to steal what the students pay for, you will be caught. You’ve aligned yourself with the likes of fascists and anti-intellectuals all because you’re too intellectually limpdicked to write a reasonable response to what you so unreasonably objected to. We would have even printed it. Next time you throw away a Union, I suggest you read it first. You might learn something.
$100 REWARD FOR INFORMATION
Did you see someone emptying Long Beach Union Weekly stands on Lower Campus this past week? Did you overhear someone stating that they had done so? Are you peripherally involved by affiliation, but uncomfortable that people you associate with would jeopardize the First Amendment? The Union Weekly is offering a $100 reward for information resulting in bringing the individuals who stole 2,000 newspapers off our stands to justice. This is a violation of campus policies, and punishable through campus Judicial Affairs.
My Cellular, Bananular Phone! By Tommy Coleman Contributor
It seems everyone has a cell phone these days. Those who don’t own them have effectively become social pariahs. These little technological wonders have so permeated our day-to-day life that they’ve become more of a fashion accessory than a tool. What people fail to realize is that the acceptance of cell phones has encouraged a dramatic shift in behavioral norms. The cell phone has given people the green light to be rude, introverted schmucks. For those inclined to disagree or to take offense, I offer this scenario: you’re conversing with a good friend of yours and are on the verge of making an important point but, just as you’re about to speak a third party enters who demands the attention of the friend with whom you were speaking. Your friend then ignores your presence and strikes up a conversation
with this other person, offering no apology for their actions. Rude? Offensive? I think most would agree that kind of behavior is in bad taste. So what makes it acceptable for someone to do this if the interloper is the disembodied voice from a cell phone? It pisses me off that these mechanical atrocities have effectively done away with common courtesy and that people now accept the idea that a non-corporeal voice is more important than themselves. Letting someone on a cell phone take precedence over what you have to say is akin to allowing a toaster to take your seat on a bus. If increased rudeness were the only negative effect cellular phones had on people, I’d have no issue with the little bastards, but as it is they’ve done more damage than that. Recently I was out with some friends of mine at a jazz club; almost everyone at the table was talking, but not to anyone else at the table. No, the entire party,
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
save two of us, were on their cell phones at any given time that night. That was okay though, because cell phones have made interpersonal skills a thing of the past. It irks me to know that people these days can speak to each other easily with a hint of eloquence when the conversation is over a phone line yet, when face to face these same people will clam up and have nothing at all to say. Is that normal? Unfortunately, thanks to cell phones, it is. I, for one, have had enough of this chicanery. I’m tired of living in a society where it’s okay to be a prick to those around you or to ignore them because your cell phone has made you forget how to engage in an actual conversation. It’s okay to be a jerk, but be a jerk to someone who’s physically there to offend. I beseech each and every one of you to put your phone down and strike up a conversation with the person next to you. It can’t hurt and it may actually help make this already screwed up world a little better.
30 October 2006
ASI Funds Used For Propaganda By Sumiko Braun
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Student Submission
e are intelligent college students who can critically analyze issues and make decisions on what is best for our communities…right? Well, the CSULB Recreation & Wellness Center Educational Campaign does not agree. Students interested in supporting the campaign are instructed that “when you come to pick up your flyers and handbills, you will be briefly trained on what to say and how to say it.” There is no discussion of the pros and cons of having a Recreation Center on campus, just brainwashing and propaganda being dispersed throughout our higher educational institution. And here is something to think about: where is this campaign getting its funds to print out such nice glossy flyers? Could it be our ASI fees, authorized by an ASI official working on this campaign, that are being used to tell us how to think? Now, I want you to think about the reasons we all are at CSULB. Of course, there is the socializing, the interacting with all kinds of people, the partying, but ultimately it is so we can leave after a number of years with a degree and with a better understanding of the world in which we live. Before we even start talking about a Recreation Center, let us recognize that over half of the population at CSULB does not
graduate. Of the freshmen enrolled, only 10% of them will graduate within four years, and just less than half of the population will graduate within six. Students dropping out is a serious issue and can be attributed to many factors, the absence of a Recreation Center not being a primary one. What is even more pressing is the fact that these retention rates are even worse when specifically focusing on the African American and Latina/o communities on campus. It is safe to say that less than one third of the African American and Latina/o students on this campus will graduate within even a six year span of time. Instead of wasting time on a campaign for a Recreation Center that will only benefit a small percentage of the campus community, that will take up more of CSULB’s green space, that will increase student fees, that will duplicate resources already available to students, why not focus on improving student resources on this campus? Better financial aid and more scholarships, accessible academic advising that coincides with departmental advising, fully funded resource centers that serve and support marginalized communities on this campus--THESE, my friends, are what we as responsible students need to be demanding! In addition, here are a few questions for you regarding the issue of student health and well-being. How does having a Recreation Center promote wellness when students just walk over and have a burger,
[Opinions]
pizza, or hot dog with a Coca Cola beverage to wash all that greasy lard down for lunch? Working out does not replace poor eating habits because your body still absorbs all the fat and grease and does not get the proper nutrients it needs. Why aren’t we promoting the Nutritional Counseling sessions the Health Resource Center already offers? Or fighting to push out the fast food chains and bring in healthier independents that do not mass produce their products and provide healthier choices? And on the topic of exercise, why don’t we encourage students to form “bike pools” so people can get their cardio while being productive in transporting themselves to and from class? Not only are these students healthier, but also polluting less and saving money! These are much more feasible options that will not cost students nearly the amount building a Recreation Center will. Decide for yourself. The next time a student in favor of the Recreation Center talks to you, make sure to pull out the plug attaching their brain to the campaign machine and then discuss with them the facts, not the propaganda. And demand accountability from your ASI officers! ASI is a six-million-dollar corporation that is supposed to represent all the students of CSULB. Do you know how your money is being spent? Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Why I Dine Alone By Annalisa Brizuela Contributor
As I sit here all alone in the student dining halls eating my panda bowl from Panda Express, I notice other people eating alone as well. There are about twelve people around me, slouching in their wooden seats, wondering the exact same thing that I’m wondering: “Why am I eating alone?” I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Wow, what a massive loser.” But I beg to differ, my friend. We’ve all been forced to eat alone at some point in our lives. And if you are lucky enough that you haven’t had to experience the lonely desperation that I feel in the school dining halls, then your day will come as well. Now back when I was in high school, I never ate alone. I always had my ‘crew’ with me no matter where I went, and on the rare occasion that they didn’t come along, my pride took over and I ate lunch alone at the restaurant of my choice. However, to my dismay, this was not the case once I got
to college. As an incoming freshman here at Cal State Long Beach, I have to agree with what the Union editors have said in the past. There is no sense of community here at “The Beach.” Sure, it may feel like the weirdest and most random thing in the world to go up to a complete stranger and ask, “Is this seat taken?” But honestly, I think we should be far beyond the point of stressing out over what is weird or random. I eat alone, and I’m sick of it. Sure, I have some friends to eat with every now and then, but what if they have class when I’m ready to eat? That’s when the hunger slowly starts seeping in. I don’t know whether I should cover it up with a smile in my classroom, or just run to the nearest El Pollo Loco and stuff my face—by myself. We never really stop to consider the fact that one day, we will have to eat by ourselves, with nothing to distract us, and without people to talk to. For me, that day was today—and the past forty-five days. However, I don’t blame myself. No, my lonely friend, I don’t, and neither should
you. I blame my parents. It’s their fault I was raised with social inadequacies that have taken such a toll on my social life. I blame them for not signing me up for Girl Scouts. I blame them for not talking me into playing for a soccer team, taking a dance class, or hell, even joining a book club. I blame them for allowing me stay inside my little bedroom with my enormous television and letting me mindlessly watch the Power Rangers, followed by Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? I am unable to remember a day where I willingly left my house and went outside to play with my neighborhood friends. So I will leave you today with a few words of advice. Don’t feel ashamed to go up to a lonely person and talk to them. They too might secretly yearn to reach out and talk to someone. So, by all means, tear yourself away from your lonely lunchtable, and join me for a mid-day meal. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Believe This Continued from page 3
invisible then your eyes would also be invisible. But if your eyes were invisible, they would fail to interact with light and it would be impossible for you to see, ruining your perverted fantasies. It gets worse: light is just a phenomenon in the electrical force, so in order for you to be invisible you would have to lose your electrical properties, which means you would at best fall into the center of the earth and at worst fall apart and cease to exist. **** Ghosts: The idea of ghosts is already ludicrous, considering the problems with levitation and invisibility. They have the added problem of making their physical properties change at will: sometimes moving objects and sometimes moving through them with ease, sometimes being invisible and sometimes being opaque. Even if there were a way for a ghost to communicate with every piece of itself, for these changes to spontaneously occur would be comparable to atomic fusion taking place without the energy required to start the process. Assuming it were possible for ghosts to rid themselves of their electrical properties, they would face the same problem of falling apart, as in the invisibility case. If we assume that ghosts don’t possess any electrical properties, then it is unlikely that we would ever be able to notice them anyway and there certainly would be no reason for us to ever fear them. **** Teleportation: Despite the recent claims of journalists, teleportation is impossible, at least in the instantaneous sense. And I don’t just mean for objects either. Even information alone cannot be transmitted faster than the speed of light. The recent story of advances in teleportation actually just boiled down to the equivalent of a perfectly efficient radio transmitter, i.e. one that sends its signal only to its intended recipient instead of everywhere. Even noninstantaneous teleportation is unlikely to ever be developed for animals. This is because an animal’s life depends not just on the position of the molecules that it is made up of but also their instantaneous electrical interactions. So, in order for an animal to be successfully teleported it would somehow have to have all of its molecules reconstructed in their precise relative positions without any interactions taking place during the reconstruction. But, this would mean they would have to all be put in their place simultaneously and instantaneously, which is impossible, again because of the instantaneous aspect, but also because of the necessary uncertainty involved in both the timing and placement of the molecules in any microscopic-scale construction.
Wednesdays Are
30 October 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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News
CSULB Students Make a Difference Rebuilding Together Long Beach, which also does another day very News Director similar to “Make a Difference ainting an entire house; most of Day” in late April. “We try to us can’t fathom how large of a get volunteers to help rebuild commitment that is. Even an able- our community a couple times a bodied college student would find this task year,” said Diane Anglin, Board of daunting. Now think about a frail, 80-year- Directors of Rebuilding Together old widow trying to take on that job; not Long Beach. “We want to create going to happen, no matter how bad the first of all a safe environment for house needs to be painted. So when Ruth the elderly or disabled. Most of the Anderson, along with four other houses time we work on handicap ramps in the Friendly Village Mobile Home and making stairs safer for people Community were notified that their homes that can’t fix it themselves.” would be completely re-painted by over So when students showed up 130 CSULB students on Saturday 28th, bright and early, groups of thirty her gratitude came out in tears rather than were put together and sent to five words. different houses in need of some “I’ve been at this house for fifteen years love. Armed with paint brushes, not now,” said Anderson, with her eyes welling paint guns, each volunteer started up. “I lived in a big house in Downey, but on different tasks which included when my husband died, taking care of such covering windows, taping off a large house wasn’t possible for me to do. corners, and covering the ground Since I’ve lived here my house hasn’t been so as not to paint unwanted areas of painted once, this is a blessing for me.” the house. “We always do projects that are around the skill-level of I’ve been at this house for fif- our volunteers,” said Anglin. “So teen years now, and since I’ve today they paint, anyone can paint, lived here my house hasn’t it’s not something you have to have much practice at to be good Photos By Ryan Kobane been painted once. This is a very at.” Armed with only rudimentary painting tools and blessing for me. Covered in white paint from a whole lot of ambition, many CSULB students took -Ruth Anderson head to toe, student Chau Nguyen, the opportunity to express their own creativity and Friendly Village Resident 22, took a few seconds to shed talent during “Make a Difference Day.” some light on her recent trip to The day started at 7 a.m. for the 130 Louisiana. “Last spring break I volunteers and board members involved went there (Louisiana) with Rebuilding couple of forms asking stuff like how much “Make a Difference Day”. A la Carte Together Long Beach to repair a house that money I had and things like that, and two Catering was there to greet the willing was destroyed by Hurricane Rita. I ended weeks ago they (Rebuilding Together Long students with a smorgasbord of foods up helping install all of the fiberglass- Beach) called me and said the 28th , we’re and beverages. From breakfast burritos to insulation in the house. It was a home that a coming, and I couldn’t even believe it.” pancakes, the tired students welcomed the mom and her two kids were living in at that The way people are chosen to have such a free food with open arms. “People looked time. And when we were done, they sent a gift is purely based on need. It was easy to really tired in the morning, but then things letter saying that we were the answer to all see that Anderson was a worthy recipient picked up after we ate,” said Scott Sun, 22. of their prayers and gave them hope. It was when her neighbors were not jealous, but “People got into it pretty quick once things an amazing experience.” Chau Nguyen has elated that she had such a thing happen to warmed up.” By midday the weather was been giving back to different communities her. “She’s (Anderson) the nicest and most perfect, and smiles could be seen plastered since she can remember being able to make caring person I know,” said neighbor and across almost all of the volunteers’ faces. the decision on her own; her story was not long-time friend Jackie Sloan, who was All of the events that took place on an uncommon one to hear at the rebuilding sitting on her rocker outside of her house Saturday in Friendly Village were being day though. “I keep getting emails from watching the painting take place. “I care organized by a non-profit company called school even though I graduated last year,” about her very much and couldn’t think of said Tanisha Dean, 27. “It’s a a better person for this to happen to.” way to keep connected with the All of this work and equipment does community and help the people cost quite a bit of money, but with sponsors that can’t help themselves.” Tanisha such as Frazzee and RM Hasson Painting and Chau are seasoned veterans Contractors donating seventy-five gallons when it comes to community of white paint, and A La Carte Catering service, but for some that chose to providing food for breakfast and lunch, the volunteer on “Make a Difference burden of private donations was made a Day” it was their first experience. much less trying endeavor. “We try to raise “One of our friends told us about funds throughout the year, put personal this project that was going to help donations and business donations make up paint houses for people, and I most of our funds,” said Anglin. couldn’t think of a better way to Through amazing projects like “Make spend a Saturday if you ask me,” a Difference Day,” and companies like said Scott Sun. Rebuild Together Long Beach, it is safe to Walking from house to house, say that the lucky ones who are receiving there was never a time when a the help are thrilled at the results, and complaint was voiced, a piece thankful beyond words. “I feel lucky, that’s of trash wasn’t picked up due to all I can say. They are doing an amazing laziness, or even once was there a job, and I can’t wait until it’s done,” said person sitting down doing nothing. Anderson. The vibe was one of happiness, Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be contacted at ryan@lbunion.com not out of thinking that they were Or comment online at www.lbunion.com gaining some kind of good karma; it was evident that everyone really Correction cared about doing the best possible Last week (Vol 59, No 9), in an article entitled job for these people. The application process was “ASI to Host 46th Congressional District In one day, fifteen years of rust and grime were cleaned Candidates,” Dana Rohrabacher was incorrectly easy according to Anderson who referred to as our Congresswoman. He is, in and painted off Ruth Anderson’s house. Mrs. Anderson only spent a few minutes outside, but took the time to said, “I was in the main office and fact, our Congressman, as is evidenced in the thank one of the volunteers for their hard work. someone said I should fill out a article on Page 7.
By Ryan Kobane
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should By Vincent Girimonte Union Staffer
Limbaugh Questions Fox’s Integrity Just days after his public lambasting at the hands of Rush Limbaugh, Michael J. Fox remains in the public spotlight in an interview with CBS anchor Katie Couric. In a recent campaign ad supporting Missouri Senate candidate Claire McCaskill, Fox’s tremors, due to his advanced state of Parkinson’s disease, appeared to have been worse than ever,causing Limbaugh to believe he was “acting.” Despite his support of Democrat McCaskill, Fox believes his quest for stem cell research funding is a “nonpartisan problem that requires a bipartisan solution.” With the country so thoroughly divided over most issues, especially those pertaining to morality, Fox’s bi-partisan attitude towards politics is commendable. It’s becoming more and more apparent that change will only come through compromises on both sides. (CBS)
Senators Fight Dirty Senator George Allen (R) from Virginia is using the fictional writings of his Democratic opponent, James Webb, to paint the challenger as unfeeling towards females. Battles between Allen and Webb have continued to escalate as the election approaches, and the attacks have not been subtle. Webb, a Vietnam veteran, has authored works of fiction, many of which contain sexual and incestuous scenes. Webb fired back by claiming Allen’s disparaging comments stem from the fact that he has a stagnating campaign, and is desperate for a last minute assault. I’m not sure what Sen. Allen is trying to achieve here. More than anything, he is bringing to the attention of voters that James Webb is an accomplished novelist, among many other qualifications. As for his idea that people would be outraged over the content of a FICTIONAL work, well, I think that reveals what politicians think of our intelligence. (Washington Post)
Campaign Costs Reach Record Highs $550 million has been spent on campaigns for the November elections. $550 million dollars This amount easily breaks the record, largely due to tobacco and oil companies investing heavy sums to sway voters’ opinions on two ballot measures. Prop 87, for instance, has caused oil companies to spend $85 million, hoping to defeat the measure that would tax California’s oil industry. On the other side, supporters of Prop 87 have raised nearly $50 million. When you have a superstar as your candidate, fundraising becomes much easier. With Schwarzenegger’s help, the California Republican Party has raised $40 million, outdoing the Democrats, who’ve amassed $24 million. Politicians are not stupid, especially when it comes to spending their money. The fact that this money is necessary, and probably will increase with each election, shows how fickle the modern voter has become. If campaigners buy the ads, they must work. (LA Times)
30 October 2006
[News]
Rohrabacher For Toll Road By Kevin Ferguson
O
Union Staffer
n Monday, October 23, some Long Beach State students saw a debate between Congressman Dana Rohrabacher and his opponent Jim Brandt, squaring off for California’s 46th district. Some students didn’t go, and other students couldn’t go because they had to wait outside. The room the debate was booked in was too small to accommodate all of the students that wanted to attend. The debate was framed around what candidates saw as most important to their campaigns: Candidate Jim Brandt said, “My number one passion is the energy plan,” and went on to say that, “we need to focus on our core values like freedom and service.” His website also cites national security and public education as other important issues, and his beliefs about immigration were in direct contrast to Rohrabacher’s, stating that, “we need to help people that can’t help themselves.” Incumbent, Rohrabacher (R-CA), lists his campaign’s three most important issues: Immigration, taxes, and national security. He doesn’t want our jobs to be “taken away” by illegal immigrants, nor does he want those jobs to be “taxed away” by the federal government; he also wishes to guard students against “people who hate our way of life”. What wasn’t mentioned at the debate Monday was the controversial Foothill-South extension of the 241 toll road. The Transportation Corridor Agency (TCA) plans on extending the new toll road 16 miles to meet up at the Basilone Road exit off of the 5 Freeway, threatening to permanently alter the waves on San Onofre State Beach, infamously known as “the Yosemite of surfing.” Surfers statewide have voiced their opposition to the plan. Notably, the Surfrider Foundation has waged an aggressive campaign (called “Save
Trestles, in reference to the threatened beach) to stop the extension from being built. They assert that the toll road “will alter the natural sediment flow through San Mateo Creek, which supplies sand to the Trestles surf breaks.” Interestingly, also not often mentioned is Dana Rohrabacher’s enthusiasm for surfing. Type www. surfdana.com and you’re taken to his campaign’s website. Once there you’ll see a picture of the 59 year-old hunched over on a surfboard, catching a wave on a sunny day. When I interviewed him over the phone, Congressman Rohrabacher invited me several times to go surfing with him. I asked him about Trestles, and why, given his firm roots in surfing, he signed a letter of support of the 241 to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in 2004. “I do not think that the toll road is in any way going to affect trestles” he said, “except perhaps maybe make it easier for certain surfers to get down into that area.” When he asked me to explain how the road could affect the waves, “Surf ” Dana Rohrabacher cut me off, calling it “baloney”. On Monday, I interviewed Jim Brandt. He made it clear that he was opposed to the toll road extension, saying that he, like Rohrabacher, is also a surfer. However, regardless of where students may fall on the issue. Brandt’s outlook for winning the seat is grim: in 2004 Rohrabacher decimated Brandt with a near 30 percent lead. In today’s political climate, when the issues at stake seem to rarely hit close to home, the Toll Road issue is something that many CSULB students can relate to. There is the obvious deduction that, most, students like to surf, and that those students that do surf, like Trestles. In fact, Trestles is host to the only West Coast stop on the WCT, and one of the most popular surf destinations in the country. Traffic in LA, Orange, and San Diego county is at stake here. In any case, the concept of a notoriously surfing Congressman who breaks lines with the Surfrider Foundation on one of their most controversial issues is nothing short of ironic.
Beach Clean-Up
This beach clean-up day was nothing new for many of the students that showed up at 9 a.m. to the beach at South Granada and Ocean Avenue, but for some first-time beach cleaners, it was a way to give back to the community that gives so much to them.
Daily Specials
Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm
Monday: Monday Night Football $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights! Weekends: Football! Football! Football! Saturdays: Your Home for Irish Football! Sundays: NFL action all day long.
We’ve got every football game from College to NFL!
140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 30 October 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7
Sports
Second Annual Basketball Preview
Casey Curran
Brian Dunning
Ryan ZumMallen
Vincent Girimonte
NBA Correspondent
‘Anaheim’ Kings Fan
BeachBall Guru
News Page Refugee
I want you all to listen very closely: Robert Swift! But in a more serious vein, it’s Lebron James without a doubt. He almost beat the Pistons single-handedly in the second round last year with Eric Snow as his starting point.
It’s a toss up between LeBron and Dwyane Wade. Sure, LeBron may be a more dominating player, but D-Wade carried the Big Diesel and the rest of the Heat on his shoulders to get the title.
Dwyane Wade is the defending Finals MVP and LeBron is the King, but Kobe Bryant is still the best player in the NBA. Who would you rather have taking the game winning shot?
Kobe Bryant. The complete two guard. Throw in King James as a close second, and he’ll take over soon enough. But with clock running down, the game belongs to Kobe, period.
You have to love a league that has to ban the Second Amendment to the Constitution in order to control the behavior of its players. I think a better rule would be to allow only those players not on probation or on the Utah Jazz to carry firearms. That way 10% of the league could still pack heat.
This should seem like a no-brainer. Show me one instance where a 255 pound 6’11” black guy needs a gun to protect himself, and I’ll show you Jayson Williams and his dead limo driver.
Stephen Jackson will invite David Stern over for dinner and shoot him, thereby adhering to Stern’s request that players leave their guns at home.
Doesn’t David Stern realize that an NBA player needs protection? Come on, Dave. First the dress code, now the guns? What’s next? Mandatory condom checks? You could have saved Sean Kemp!
Golden State Warriors!!! Yeah f-ing right. Probably the Magic but I always jinx the team I pick.
The Toronto Raptors will have a great season, but this better not come as a surprise to anyone after seeing what Colangelo did with the Suns. Bosh will finally become the star that he is.
Chris Bosh has been overshadowed by the other three great members of his draft class, but has quietly become one of the most vicious big men in the League. Rookie Andrea Bargnani will surprise a lot of people, and Toronto will put up a lot of points this season and shock the Eastern Conference.
Utah Jazz. Team ball back in the Salt Lake, and Jerry Sloan’s squad just might sneak their way into the playoffs. Along with being the weirdest looking dude in the NBA, Andrei Kirilenko is a fantasy stud, and don’t be shocked to see him breaking faces come this Spring.
DISAPPOINTMENT
The Warriors, but this isn’t really a disappointment because I know they’re going to be awful. I think the Suns might struggle with integrating Amare, but they’ll get it together because their coach has the best mustache in all of sports. Him and Adam Morrison.
For the second year in a row, The New York Knickerbockers will end up in the Atlantic cellar. It’s going to take longer to rebuild this franchise than it will to finish the WTC, and somehow, it’s become far more tragic.
Houston is tabbed as a title contender every single year simply because they possess Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming, one of which (if not both) will go down by January. This team has very little depth and very little extra firepower. They’re mediocre at best.
Detroit Pistons. Why? No Ben Wallaaaaace. The game’s real intellectuals know that nothing more needs to be said, but for my humble colleagues here at the sports desk: Can you imagine Detroit without Big Ben? Neither can I.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Definitely Foye or Roy or maybe Rudy Gay-boy if he can grow some stones. I’ll give the edge to Roy because he’ll get way more shots a game.
We’ve got a great batch of great young players, but no standouts like in years past. I’m going to go with Tyrus Thomas in Chicago; they’ve had a great track record recently, and he and Big Ben should make a nice pair.
Brandon Roy is the most NBAready rookie, but the ball is going to be in Randy Foye’s hands early and often, and Minnesota will be glad they snatched him up with the 5th pick this year.
If he establishes his NBA niche, J.J Reddick will be a threat early in his career. The kid’s a worker. Guards naturally make the jump to the NBA much quicker than big men, and Reddick will be no different.
NBA CHAMP
Dallas vs. Chicago because Dwyane Wade will get hurt. No one can take the amount of punishment he’s gonna get this season.
Any team could go this year, though I’d personally love do see some underdogs make it. Possibly a Bobcats/Warriors affair? Or Kings/Hawks? Look out for Texas out West, and the Heat in the East. West over East in 6.
Dirk Nowitzki and Josh Howard signed monster extensions in the offseason, and Jason Terry rounds out the most dangerous threesome in the NBA. After tanking in the Finals with a 2-0 lead, the Mavs will seek redemption and capture the title in 2007.
If Hinrich and Gordon get the expected support from the big men inside, I don’t see any team in the East stopping the Bulls’ rising stars. Plus, Ben Wallace brings valuable defense and playoff experience.. CHI-TOWN baby.
BEST PLAYER IN THE NBA
DAVID STERN’S NEW ANTI-GUN CAMPAIGN
SUPRISE TEAM
BIGGEST
Beach To Host Big West Tourny
Games to Watch This Weekend: Week Nine By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots @5:15 p.m.
Provided by longbeachstate.com
Kim Silos’ goal with 45 seconds left in the first half of the Long Beach women’s soccer win over CS Fullerton last Wendsday, 1-0, gave the ‘Niners at least a share of the regular season title, and the honor of hosting the Big West Tournament on Friday November 5 at George Allen Field. The team set school records for victories, shutouts (13) and conference wins, and will play the second game on Friday. The first semi-final game starts at 11:00 a.m. For ticket information visit longbeachstate.com.
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As far as I am concerned, this is THE game to watch this week. There may be a few other decent games, but honestly, Colts versus Pats has been THE rivalry in the NFL over the past half-decade. And I’ll continue using the obnoxious all-caps “THE” until you believe me. I even have a proposition for all the fanatics who know Sundays were made for football, watch countless re-runs of NFL Live until it’s quotable, and probably retire early on Saturdays, as staying out late would interfere with waking up early to catch the pre-game shows: go out this Saturday night and get drunk… very, very drunk. Then, spend Sunday recuperating, not watching the other imbalanced and unimportant games, and preparing for “Football Night in America.” This is your last chance to do so until after the Super Bowl. Has anyone else sensed the media being too hard on the Patriots again this year? They start off with a loss early in the season and everyone is quick to jump on the end-ofdynasty bandwagon. Yet, when week 10 or 12 rolls around when the Pats are inevitably back near the top of the AFC, the theme surrounding the team shifts to, “if they do it this year, it’ll be the best coaching/managing/team accomplishment!” Whoop-di-doo. How about you dimwits give them a shot to prove their worth in more than a few weeks. I’ll lay it out simply: the Patriots are good and will continue being so as long as they retain their great QB/Coach combo. It’s amazing how those two are so integral to a teams’ success. Oh and look at those Colts! They have the same formula… but are haplessly lacking in the championship department. I’d like to say that Peyton Manning is too good of a quarterback to not get his ring(s), but Dan Marino disproved any sort of correlation between the two. The Colts aren’t really missing Edgerrin James this season as Rhodes and Addai are proving to be a decent one-two punch while Addai develops into the future premiere back for the organization. PICK: The winner of this game will become the front-runner to win the AFC. The Colts give up too many points and will struggle to score in Boston. Pats survive an ugly one 14-9.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
30 October 2006
Figueroa To Lead Young Group By Ryan ZumMallen
X-Country Brings It Home Provided By LongBeachState.com/Sports Information Department
BeachBall Guru Women’s basketball coach Mary Hegarty has extremely high expectations for her team as they enter the 2006-07 season. Especially considering that the 49ers return just one senior and welcome nine freshmen. Despite the new faces, many agree with Hegarty, and the 49ers were picked to finish 3rd in the Big West Conference in both the coaches’ and media polls. “Our goal is winning the conference tournament championship,” she says with confidence. The reigning Big West Conference’s Coach of the Year is optimistic about the upcoming season, following one in which the 49ers did not finish as expected. The women’s basketball team finished 10-4 in conference play in 2005-06, good enough to tie UC Santa Barbara for a share of the Big West title. Entering the conference tournament with a first round bye, however, the 49ers fell to underdog and eventual champion UC Riverside. Following the disappointment of an early exit, Coach seems to have a brand new eagerness about her team. Perhaps because there are only four holdovers from last season. “We don’t have many returners, but we have smart returners,” she says. Of those returners, guards Val Willhoit and Karina Figueroa logged the most minutes last season, and they can expect to see their minutes increase heavily starting in November. Willhoit is the only one to have seen major minutes in last year’s tournament loss to UCR, however, due to a foot injury that kept Figueroa out of the latter part of the campaign. Ironically, she endured another injury to the other foot over the summer, which is now “almost 100%,” she excitedly explains. Coach Hegarty will rely heavily on Figueroa in 06-07, who led all returners in points, assists, steals, blocks and minutes last year, and looks to
[Sports]
Tyresha Calhoun takes on Figueroa during practice.
step into more of a leadership role this season. Did I mention she’s only a sophomore? “I wanted the leadership position,” she says. “Point guards have so much responsibility. You have to be patient and that’s important with this team.” The real X-factor for the new-look 49ers is going to be the play of the youth. Though early, everyone is thrilled to see what the newcomers can do on the court. “I’ve never been more excited about coaching a young team,” coach says. “They’re so excited and eager. Almost too eager. They all want to contribute, they all want to start.” They may very well get their chance to start, because an influx of new talent brings new opportunity for everyone. Unlike last season, CSULB is very deep at every position, and if a player is lost to injury, Hegarty won’t have to look too far down the bench to find a replacement. “There are twelve players we think we can play this year. We’ve got much more depth.” Even with the plethora of new faces, the most obvious change in this year’s team may be the overall attitude. After the team self-destructed due to a lack of cohesiveness in last year’s tournament, don’t expect to see that from this group. “This team has it’s priorities straight: basketball and school,” says Hegarty. “The group we’ve brought in, they’re here because they want to be here, they want to uphold the tradition.” Next Week: Men’s Basketball Preview
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA-- The Long Beach State women’s cross country team produced its best finish in program history, tying the 1989 and 1979 squads, by finishing second at the Big West Championships on Saturday morning. This year’s team did so by finishing ahead of two previously ranked programs and behind overall leader, UC Santa Barbara, who is ranked No. 7 nationally. The men finished in fourth place as both teams had their best two-year finish since the late 1980’s. Meredith Kramon was named allconference for the second consecutive season, as she was one of five runners to break the course record, running 22:08.0, for fifth place. The women finished with 72 points, which was also a school-record and bettered last year’s 75 points and third place showing. “It was a great finish for the women in a very close race,” said Distance Coach Matt Roe, whose team produced the best combined finish in program history for the second consecutive year. “We were able to get by two teams ranked ahead of us in the region (UC Irvine and Nicole Blalock also received Big UC Riverside) and ran well overall West athlete of the week honors. with all five scorers finishing in the top-25.” After Kramon, the 49er women kept in a close pack, as Jenessa Botello was 13th with a time of 22:54.5, followed by Ludi Valdez (22:59.6) in 14th place. To prove how tough the conference has gotten over the past couple of seasons, Nicole Blalock, whose time of 23:08.1 was nearly identical to her all-conference run as a freshman, instead put her in 18th place. Kristina Wilson rounded out the scoring in 22nd place with a time of 23:26.1. The men finished fourth overall, as Wolhan Ovalle was the top finisher, finishing 21st with a time of 27:22.7. After being picked to finish fifth, the men just missed the top-three, firing off 110 points for fourth place, four points behind third place UC Irvine. Cal Poly won the overall men’s title with 29 points. “It is bitter sweet for the men, said Roe. “We ran well placed well considering we graduated our top two runners from last year, but I thought we were capable of more. We just came up short.” The 49ers will take next week off before heading to the Regionals in Portland, OR on November 11.
HORSE RACING
$1 HOT DOGS & DRINKS
★
NOVEMBER 10 – A Flock Of Seagulls with When In Rome NOVEMBER 17 – The English Beat
THE NIGHT TIME COMES ALIVE. FA N TA S T I C C O N C E RT S AT H O L LY W O O D PA R K POST TIMES: Wed., Thurs., Sat., Sun. — 12:30 p.m.; Friday Nights — 7:05 p.m. 1050 S. Prairie Avenue, Inglewood, CA • (310) 419-1549 • www.hollywoodpark.com
Concert begins immediately following the races. ★ $1 beer served from 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
30 October 2006
10.30-LBUnion-HPBandAd.indd 1
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
9
10/24/06 6:40:41 PM
Pirates in the LG with Diamond
Monday30
The Decemberists & Lavender Diamond play the Wiltern LG – October 21, 2006
Trivium: Glass House $15.50, 630pm Scritti Politti: HOB Anaheim $15, 7pm Vice Squad: Showcase Theatre $13, 7pm Breakthru Halloween: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm OK Go: Troubadour $20, 8pm The Roots: Avalon $37, 9pm, two nights
Tuesday31 Reel Big Fish: HOB Anaheim $17, 630pm Say Anything: Glass House $13.50, 630pm Otep: Whisky $20, 7pm Ghouls Gone Wild, Devo, A Flock of Seagulls, Bow Wow Wow: Greek Theatre $40-50, 730pm My Chemical Romance, Hot Like a Robot: HOB Sunset 8pm (on sale day of) Australian Pink Floyd Show: Grove of Anaheim $47-52, 8pm Brazilian Girls: Wiltern LG $25, 9pm Ladytron: El Rey Theatre $25.50, 9pm
Wednesday1 Pet Sounds: Royce Hall–UCLA $68-125, 8pm Voxtrot: Troubadour $10, 8pm Dirty Sanchez, Jeffrey Star: Key Club $15, 10pm Ankla: Whisky $12, 7pm OK Go: Glass House $13, 7pm Gin Blossoms: HOB Sunset $22.50, 730pm Lakes: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm
Thursday2 Silverstein: HOB Anaheim $17, 630pm Death Threat: Showcase Theatre $10, 7pm Robert Randolph & The Family Band: HOB Sunset $25, 7pm Path of Resistance: Chain Reaction $15, 730pm Cheap Trick: Wiltern LG $37.50-42.50, 8pm James Hunter: Roxy Theatre $15, 8pm Peter Frampton: Canyon Club $67.50, 8pm Regina Spektor: Avalon $21.50, 8pm Rocco De Luca & The Burden: Troubadour $10, 8pm Shelby Lynne: El Rey Theatre $24, 8pm The Sounds, Imarobot: El Rey Theatre $25, 8pm
Friday3 Bouncing Souls, Street Dogs: HOB Sunset $15, 7pm Rise Against, Thursday: Wiltern LG $23.50, 7pm Sublime Remembered: Club Bellagio $13, 7pm Guttermouth: Troubadour $12.50, 730pm Henceforth: Chain Reaction $10, 730pm Manntis: Showcase Theatre $10, 730pm Lindsey Buckingham: Grove of Anaheim $60, 8pm The Cramps: HOB Anaheim $25, 8pm Vicente Fernandez: Gibson Amphitheatre $62.50-160.50, 815pm
Saturday4 Norma Jean: Avalon $17, 6pm Russell Peters: Wiltern LG $45.50, 7pm Bouncing Souls: HOB Anaheim $16, 7pm The Who: Hollywood Bowl $56.50-282.50, 730pm, two nights Five for Fighting: HOB Sunset $20, 8pm Jackie Greene: Roxy Theatre $15, 8pm John Brown’s Body: Key Club $10, 8pm The Ark: Troubadour $12, 8pm The Knife: El Rey Theatre $24, 9pm
Sunday5 Modest Mouse: Avalon $30, 9pm 2006 Radio Rebellion feat. Norma Jean: HOB Anaheim $17, 7pm Moonspell: Whisky $22, 7pm Eric Benet: Henry Fonda Theatre $55-65, 7pm Lloyd Banks: HOB Sunset $25, 7pm
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T
he criminal understatement would be if I were to say that Lavender Diamond, opening band for the Decemberists at their recent date with the Wiltern in L.A., was terrible. Let me instead say that Lavender Diamond was so horrifyingly and explosively bad that the effect was hypnotic, causing the entire crowd to sway slowly to and fro like buoys on a tide of derisive laughter. When lead vocalist Becky Stark traipsed onto stage dressed like a first-grader’s failed experiment in autonomous dressing, I think most of us knew there would be trouble. Now, it would have been difficult for any band to win over as devoted and angst-ridden a crowd as the assembled Decemberists fans. But Becky, flailing about arhythmically and occasionally pulling her silken gown up to expose her knees, was a particular and odd breed of bad. Throwing her arms wide, she congratulated us breathily on achieving world peace. “Hahaha,” she laughed alone. There are few things that bring people closer together than catastrophic events. When Lavender Diamond’s drummer, two tiny pigtails flopping, began to beat martial staccatos and Becky Stark began to wail her impressively vapid lyrics, I felt the other 2,200 people in the theater struggling to hold their laughter in become closer than family. And when we all (and I mean all, including the guitarist onstage) finally let our peals of mirth loose, it was like one of those cherished family memories of falling down into freshly fallen snow or cannonballing into Nana’s pool. Refreshing. Soul-satisfying. Inevitable. -By Shar Higa
I
had seen The Decemberists play a few other times before in San Diego and Los Angeles. Each time I would be inexplicably excited for two weeks prior to the show, telling everyone I knew about this band that was going to change the world, and their lead singer who had the soul of a child pirate unnoticed by his parents and in love with a prostitute named Rita. It was a lot to take in for those friends, and consequently my enthusiasm was usually discarded and forgotten. Because of this I would have to ensnare people through cunning, offering to drive to get lunch, or what have you, while listening to a specific song by the band (an opus called “Mariner’s Revenge Song”). Usually it would only take two minutes before the person was enthralled and asked who the band was and why they had not heard of them before. The Decembertists are much more well known now, and deservedly so. No other band that I have heard is able to successfully merge genre and anachronistic lyrics in such a way that they address political and personal issues so infectiously.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Photo By Katie Wynne
I walked into the crowded Wiltern LG Theater, filled with excited fans and a stage adorned with a classical Asian-style portrait of a crane soaring over a modest home for a backdrop, and large, round hanging lanterns pouring red onto the band. It was no wonder that all of the audience members seemed to share a common bond. Whereas at some concerts the diverse audience can range from young to old with fans of punk-goth to pixie-folk, at this event academic prowess filled the air as devotees read McSweeney’s volumes and talked about that last episode of The Colbert Report. There was a feeling of unity and anticipation, and then everyone began to stare at the stage as if we thought we could materialize Colin Meloy just by using our collective minds. I had no idea it would actually work. The band consists of six members who can all play multiple instruments (drums, accordion, violin, cello, and some strange thing that looks like the instrument that a sidewalk performer would play while his monkey collected change from the gathering crowd). Throughout the set Meloy changed guitars almost every song; he even brought out a lute in a couple of instances. (Did you know that it was possible to rock out with a lute? Because I did not.) Playing six songs off the new Crane Wife album, the live renditions vastly improved some of the weaker moments of the albums songs like “The Perfect Crime;” a thirteen minute jam of “The Island-Come & See/The Landlord’s Daughter/You’ll Not Feel The Drowning” took half of the time to say the name and the other six and a half minutes performing a musical pillaging to a swaying and cheering crowd. Meloy belted “O, Valencia,” a loose modern Romeo & Juliet story. Also doling out fan favorites from previous albums, The Decemberists finished off a genuinely great show, and came back for an encore with a disgustingly eerie song, both unreleased and unrecorded, “Culling the Fold,” about killing the people you love because, after all, they’re going to have to die sometime. Meloy grabbed a phone from an audience member midway through the song and scrolled through the contact list until he found “mom.” He then proceeded to sing the second half of the gruesome song to this person’s mom and then handed the phone back as if nothing ever happened. Who knows, by this time next year the band might be able to play every instrument on the planet (including the exploding penguin). Colin Meloy is one of the best songwriters I have heard, and his effortless live performances merely confirm the fact that his band of renegades has a lot more to bring the studious admirers. -By Katie Wynne
30 October 2006
“If You’re Into That Kind Of Thing” An Interview with The Decemberists’ Jenny Conlee Union Weekly: How different is it working at a major label like Capitol? The Decemberists: It enabled us to go in the studio for two months, which is more than twice as long as we went in for our last record on Kill Rock Stars, so that was pretty cool. We thought they’d be checking in on us, making sure we were doing the right things, or not agreeing with us about things, but that really hasn’t been the case. They’ve been pretty hands off in terms of the music, the production of the whole thing. It’s just been great to get some more money. We were also able to have two producers, Tucker [Martine] and Chris [Walla, of Death Cab for Cutie], so that was pretty awesome, too. UW: Has there been any indie backlash? D: It seems like most of our fans have been pretty supportive, and the record’s a little more experimental, so I think they were pleasantly surprised we didn’t just do a total pop record. We may have lost a little bit of indie cred, but people who really like the music don’t seem to care. UW: What are your thoughts about the evolution of the Decemberists’ sound? The Crane Wife does seem more experimental. D: When I first met Colin, way back in the day, I think he had more of an idea of a folky group. He loved the upright bass, that’s why he had Meg play with him, then when I met him I played accordion, so the band was sort of a quartet: accordion, upright bass, acoustic guitar and drums. That
was a simplified, pared down folk, almost country thing, but as soon as Colin said, “Oh you play keyboards, let’s have you play keyboards on a couple tracks”; we tried that, and it worked pretty well. Then all of a sudden Chris Funk joined the band, and had a lot of instruments he could play. We’ve been playing with the idea of, we’re in this band and we can afford to take some time off and learn different instruments. Meg learned to play the cello, Chris learned to play the violin. Chris is going to be playing two violin songs on the tour, so that kind of stuff has been fun.
#1” is attached to another song, “The Day That You Did Not Come Back.” Those haven’t been designated, they’ll probably come out on a compilation. It’s good to have extra tracks; that way you can still give exclusive tracks to compilations for benefits without going back in the studio.
UW: “When the War Came,” off the new album, seems be the most different from what you’ve done. D: That’s a funny song in a way. We were playing a show here at Reed College, and Colin started playing that riff, and we were like, “What is that?” And he said, “Oh just a song I’ve been kicking around, but there’s not really any verses yet.” He just had this idea, and we said, “We should do that.” He wasn’t planning to put it on the record, but we thought it was so much fun playing it. It’s a bit on the hard rock side, but everyone in the band has a tendency to like that kind of music, so that’s an expression of that. There’s a poll on our message board for least favorite song on the new record, and “When the War Came” is way over the top; people don’t like it so much.
UW: Favorite song that you’ve recorded? D: I love “California One/Youth and Beauty Brigade.”
UW: Are you doing an EP with some of the B-side stuff? D: We gave one, “Culling of the Fold,” to iTunes, and then “After the Bomb,” which is at some other downloading thing. “Perfect Crime
UW: Glockenspiel or accordion? D: (With NO hesitation) The accordion.
UW: Okay, now, I have for you, a lightning round. D: Okay. What’s that? UW: Um…I’ll ask you a lot of questions really fast, and you answer as fast as you can. D: (laughs) Okay.
UW: Most fun song to play live? D: I think “Landlord’s Daughter” is going to be that song. UW: Creepiest Decemberists song? D: You haven’t heard it, but “Culling of the Fold” is definitely the darkest, and Shankhill Butchers” off the new record is really creepy. UW: Favorite newish book you’ve read? D: I just finished Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, which is a big fantasy kind of beautiful book. If you’re into that kind of thing. UW: Favorite oldish book? D: I’m a huge Lord of the Rings fan. You can put that down.
UW: Finally, will you be bringing your Chewbacca doll along with you on this tour? D: Yes, Chewie’s coming, he always comes. -By Mike Guardabascio Read the entire interview with The Decemberists’ Jenny Conlee on www.lbunion.com
Photo Courtesy The Decemberists/Carson Ellis
30 October 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
¡Foward, Russia! Give Me a Wall
Dance to the Radio Reviewed By Michael Mermelstein At first glance, ¡Forward, Russia! seem to have a lot of strikes against them: unnecessary foreign grammar, naming all their songs after the order in which they were written, and the fact that their Wikipedia entry creepily hypes up how popular their t-shirts are. However, Give Me a Wall is a CD which manages to rise above all doubt. This band follows in the footsteps of recent British imports like Bloc Party and the Futureheads by cranking out similar dance floor-conscious rock. If ¡Forward, Russia! is above the dance punk pack it will be because of the constant energy that seems to be on a higher level then any of their contemporaries can muster. The combination of the expected Gang of Four angular style guitar playing, with a much louder, yelping singing style lends the band a sense of urgency that bands like the moving units don’t strive for, and it works out great on Give Me a Wall.
Masters of Horror II Various Artists
Dawntown Recordings Reviewed By Giuliano De Pieri
Yet another compilation attempting to introduce underground music. Artists featured are Hatebreed, Cradle of Filth, Lacuna Coil, Chimaira and All That Remains. The compilation does offer a diverse selection of underground music genres, among them being black & death metal, hardcore, melodic/gothic, and some obscure other underground types. Among the most diverting songs are “Foetus of a Day Kicking,” performed by Cradle of Filth who take a progressive Iron Maiden panache. Another odd song is “I Like To Move in the Night” performed by Eagles of Death Metal who take a 70s blues-rock approach. Two other diverting tracks are live acoustic recordings by Seether and Shinedown. Some of the other tracks are meant for getting high or reading existential writing. Two other diverting tracks are performed by Wo u n d e d Cougar and A s u n d e r. By the end of the CD, the listener will either want to headbang or get high.
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LAST MINUTE COSTUMES!
By DYLAN LITTLE
f midterms made you neglect the important Halloween duty of picking out a costume, despair not! The friendly and attractive people at the Long Beach Union Weekly have brainstormed some amazing costumes requiring only some normal clothes and a good background story.
Serial Killer They look like everyone else so this costume doesn’t even require taking off any clothing. All you really have to do is tell anyone that asks that you’re dressed as a serial killer, then go on to party the night away. If you are into going the extra mile then you could act creepy and stand offish then eventually break down repeating something like “It rubs the lotion on its skin.” Or something.
STORY By KAtie/Kathy
Backwards Man Come dressed as the most underrated hero ever: Backwards Man. All this costume requires is wearing your shirt and pants backwards (bonus points for wearing your underwear backwards too.) To make this costume even cooler you could talk in backwards sentences, like Yoda.
Inside Out Man Just like Backwards Man, but inside out instead of backwards. Wear your shirt and pants inside out, your underwear and socks over your pants and shoes respectively. This one is especially great if you are wearing cool underwear so you can show them off.
Yourself, But Fat Ok, so you need a little bit more than just your normal clothes, for this one: something to stuff your shirt and/or pants with. If you really want to get into the character of Fat You, try eating a bunch of food and/or smearing it all over your face.
Illustration By Andrew Wilson
Mormon No offense to the Church of Latter-Day Saints, but dressing as a Mormon is an easy costume. You need a white shirt and a tie. Some added accessories include a Book of Mormon and a name tag.
Online RPG player The essence of this costume is how you talk. The more you can use the words “uber,” “leet,” or “pwned,” the better. This costume idea is even better if you combine it with the Fat costume.
Daily 49er Staff Member All you have to do is pull your pants up as high as you can, give yourself a bowl cut, and act apathetic and self righteous at the same time. If you want to go the extra mile, make sure you get other people to do the stuff you should be doing and lie constantly.
T
he massacre continues as the professor dubbed “Count Tenure” murders yet another victim, leaving the remains to be found at the Puvungna Burial Grounds. Three students claiming to have been “hanging around” the grounds, found the victim laying disheveled and nude. Poor Vanessa Girimonte (pronounced GEARUH-MON-TAY), within only months of experiencing college, fell into the clutches of the Count. Authorities have notified the girl’s family and a service will be held in the her honor this Saturday. For the past month, a professor (whose real name could not be revealed) has reportedly killed three girls by sucking their blood; all freshmen with blonde hair and blue eyes. Eyewitness reports claim that no one knows
how he looks or who he is except that he leaves two distinctive marks on each victims’ neck. It is believed that he is a vampire. The identity of the killer is unknown to the public, but authorites have assured us that matters are being taken to apprehend the man. In a school-wide conference CSULB officials state, “We’re trying our best to arrest the professor but unfortunately, he has tenure.” DUN DUN DUUUUUN. “We are doomed!” the students cry. Rumor has it, the Count is quite friendly with his female students. One student was last seen entering a full elevator, only to be found dead in her lingerie. To this day, no one knows what went on in that elevator, and unfortunately, the man, swift as he is, got away with his first kill. No traces of evi-
By Vincent Girimonte For those of us “adults” who still choose to partake in a perfectly normal American pastime, may this be your guide: #10 - Dots This barely made the list. While some flavors are undeniably delicious, the gooeyness is fucking ridiculous. Then again, it’s a great way to get rid of those pesky fillings. Plus, they’re strong enough to hold together a broken household.
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#9 - almond Joy
#7 - whoppers This candy is a deceiving bastard. It looks like it would be a tasty little chocolate drop, but one bite will ruin your night. Any candy that showcases powdered milk as their filling should stay away from your sack, among other things/candies/people.
#8 - Boston baked beans
Something about the texture here really bothers me. It’s like chocolate covered wood shaving. I love chocolate, coconut, and almonds, and I like the concept of mixing the three, but it just doesn’t work, like having just one almond in a candy bar.
dence were found except for the horrifying marks on the neck of an innocent girl, and all she ever wanted was a good grade. The question that remains unanswered is; Why, God oh, Why? The scandal has affected many of the students here at CSULB. Clubs have formed and trends have taken place, there’s even a vampire cult hoping to be saved by The Count himself. Garlic necklaces and cross tattoos have taken the place of over-sized glasses and Rainbow sandals. It looks like we’ve grown attached to this lifestyle. Also, there’s a huge decrease in the attendance of most blonde-haired, blue-eyed students–which reminds me, the bookstore is now selling “Brunettes Are Having Way More Fun” tshirts, get yours today! Pamphlets are now circulating throughout campus containing the ways to avoid this so called “Count Tenure.” Police have taken into account all previous attacks in order to conjour up a list of possible victims. But it seems that it is only a matter of time till the mangled body is found on campus. “It is important to be aware of the dangers on campus,” states Officer Wilkins, “But we are also doing all we can to make sure the campus is safe.” However, in the case of a tenured professor, he is best described as untouchable. His identity remains under wraps, but how many of these killings will it take until it’s just too much? How long will the students let this continue? Count Tenure, however, has begun to infiltrate the student body. Not every attack has resulted in a death. There have been numerous accounts of students who have come into the Health Center wearing two puncture wounds on the side of their neck. A vampire epidemic is likely to strike the campus of California State University Long Beach and ultimately spread into the surrounding community if this man is not stopped. Beware!
Outdated and disgusting. You should avoid people who give away this candy, seeing how they probably haven’t left the house since prohibition. screw the candy, Boston, and devote all of your time to Sam Adam’s Oktoberfest amber. Now there’s a treat for the kids.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
#5 - Tootsie rolls Yes, the first real surprise. Granted, this candy is an institution, and I’m probably crossing the line here. But there’s no getting around it: Tootsie Rolls look and taste like shit. Curse the distributor for lack of originality.
to be continued...
30 October 2006
STORY By KATHY miranda
Illustration By jimmy dinh
I
t all started on a dark October night. A group of friends went out to the ominous territory we know as the Puvungna Indian Burial Grounds. For years, rumors went around school that whoever entered the grounds at night would never make it out alive. Despite the rumors, students lingered amidst the barren land, unprepared for the wrath of the dead that was long buried there. It is said that the ancestors of the Puvungna tribe can be summoned when specific rituals are performed. To summon the spirits, a crowd must gather together in a circle and ignite a fire of herbs, unleashing a massive amount of smoke. The gathering smoke then results in the appearance of innocent souls that once occupied the land. Legend has it that the Indian spirits are looking for revenge after the decision was made to build a college on top of their precious land.
Many doubtful college students roamed the area, unconvinced of the terror these supernatural beings are rumored to deliver. Ever since the land has been unoccupied, it has unofficially become the home of recreational drug usage, everything from marijuana to LSD–it was the new venue for partying. Nothing crazy ever occurred aside from some bad memories and intense hangovers–until one group decided to enter after sundown. It began as a typical Friday night, drinking some booze and lighting up some Mary Jane. The crowd gathered around the fire passing around the peace pipe. A few hours into the night the party started to get rowdy, allowing the fire to go completely out of control. Suddenly a massive flame erupted from the ground and within seconds a multitude of ghosts started to appear. The victims stood still assuming that the drugs were taking a toll on their conscious minds. The spirits pervaded through their bodies causing all internal organs to spew out of their mouths uncontrollably. Finally, the group began to realize that this wasn’t your normal hallucinogenic trip. All hell broke loose and as each victim tried to escape, one by one bodies began to explode. By the time the sun came up the land was covered with bits of human body parts. The remains were left to become fertilizer, making up for the debt owed to the Indians. Beware of crossing the territory of the Puvungna Indians; while it may look like a great place to smoke a bowl or two, think about the people that came before you, the bodies you will be stepping on and the horror that has been said of the infamous Puvungna Burial Grounds! Enter if you dare!
Illustration By Andrew wlson
S
ome say it looks like a giant onion. And others say, if looked at from the correct angle, it’s a burning book; a Nazi symbol right under our noses. Indeed, there are numerous theories as to what in fact the giant shiny thing is supposed to be. The safe bet is that it’s a commissioned piece of trendy abstract modern art, and we, the idiots, are supposed to gather some type of deeper meaning from pieces of steel sticking out of a lawn. But these so-called theories were not good enough for the dedicated employees of the Investigative Bureau over at the Long Beach Union Weekly. With some extensive research, we dug up this headline: “Greeks Found Dead, Naked in Shiny Thing.” Or, as the Daily 49er put it: “Greeks Found Dead, Not Breathing” The articles went on to state the details of the atrocity, which sent shockwaves through the then young Cal State Long Beach campus. No less than a dozen students were found lifeless in the center of sculpture, or, as some pundits have said, “they were the dip in the bloomin’ onion.” The crime scene left officials perplexed, as each body appeared to be unscathed, and “They were NAKED!” as one campus cop shouted. The campus police issued a BOL (“Be On the Lookout” or “Be Obvious and Lazy,” we’re not quite sure), and assured students and faculty that the killer would #5 - twizzlers Two words: Red Vine. Twizzlers is the young, slutty whore of the licorice world. Anybody who’s enjoyed a good licorice knows that the sweetness is subtle and savory, and Twizzlers is neither. Plus, strawberry flavored licorice is nothing short of an abomination.
#3 - mexican candy I have lots of Mexican friends. Lots. I still think their candy sucks. Beware of those spicy lollipops and lemon salt tubes if you like your teeth. Under no circumstances should you feel bad about asking for a taco instead.
30 October 2006
Top 5 worst ways to die on campus By Philip Vargas
Recycle or Die – Death by Bailer Some think that a bailer is only good for compacting those good old recyclable materials, but you’d be surprised how useful they can be in a pinch. It’s always a shock when you awaken to the hum of the engine and the screech of the steel hammer as it slowly slides towards them with no place to go. The pain is excruciating as the massive metal mass slowly releases thousands of pounds of pressure upon your body, pulpifying muscle, bone and sinew. The last thought that goes through your mind before your skull finally pops like a cherry is, “When will the darkness finally come and release me from the agony of the flesh?”
Death by Campus Renovations There you are, just walking to the library for several excruciating hours of study time when you hear a shout come from above. The first thing you feel is a cool heavy wetness splatter down on you. You feel hands attempt to wipe away the quick drying cement from your body, but soon enough all you feel is the moisture seeping away as the cement starts to set. As you listen to the muffled cries through cement encased walls you are slightly comforted by the fact that you will now be part of the newest library renovations of CSULB forever.
Drop From The Psych Tower
be caught and punished immediately. But nearly a year passed, and not one suspect was apprehended. Nobody seemed to mind though, and public paranoia quickly faded at The Beach. Yes, things were back to normal…that is until, one year after the original crime, twelve more bodies were found dead inside the sculpture, all naked. But this time, a note was attached to one of the limp bodies, and read as follows: I will not kill any more students. All of my attention will be focused on my bocci ball league. This is Pablo Picasso. I’m dead, and it really annoys me that I’m forced to sacrifice in-
#4 - pennies
nocent students because of this shiny, onion thingy, but I just can’t take it anymore. It’s butt ugly. One would think, me, of all people, would appreciate abstract art, but this is undoubtedly the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The students suffered no pain in their death. As for the nudity, you Americans are such prudes and need some boobs in your life. And thus, the mystery was solved. 49ers were able to sleep with peace, and life resumed its hopeless course. But the Shiny Thing remains, and we continue to bask in its pointless existence.
STORY By Vincent Girimonte
Have you ever watched anything drop from the top of the Psych tower? As the object slowly falls, time seems to slow down, prolonging the embrace with the life-giving earth. As you slowly descend, the only thing that you can think of is how you could have avoided the unlucky spill over the rail that has sealed your fate as a smear on the campus. That is, until they wash you off the ground. Well, at least you won’t have to worry about that essay due Tuesday.
Burning in a Blaze of Glory by the Gas Plant All you wanted was to spark a grit before class and the burning red bricks looked like as good a place as any to squat and light up. Huh, what could that smell be? Oh well, the sooner you light up, the sooner you can leave. As the lighter ignites, you watch the tiny explosion spread beyond the perimeters of normalcy. Your eyes grow with wonder as the flames consume your body in their warm embrace. Think about it though, at least it wasn’t the cancer stick that got you.
The number one worst candy is...
It’s pretty rare that you would receive pennies as a treat, but the world is never short of tight-fisted assholes. Not a lot of taste here, and the last thing I bought for a penny was a night with your mom! Ha! No, really. Tell her “Hi” for me.
candy corn Unanimous winner, and perhaps in the top five worst candies of all time. The only thing more shocking than the amount of candy corn purchased each Halloween is the amount thrown away. I think it’s recycled. Much like its Easter equivalent, Peeps, candy corn is more of a necessary evil at this point, kind of like that smelly aunt you invite to Christmas.
#2 - fruit I’m all for eating healthy, but, unless it’s covered in caramel, fruit is not a treat for Halloween. And for those who do give away fruit: we know you forgot to buy candy, so don’t act like you’re doing a public service by giving away nectarines.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Death by Escalator As you rush to class from work you hop on the escalator with the hopes of catching your breath, if only for a second. Your hair’s a mess, papers crumpled in hand, and shoes are untied. All that matters is that you get to class before the midterm starts. As you reach the top of the escalator you feel a tug at your foot and glance down in horror as you witness your shoelace caught in the steps of the escalator, slowly dragged into the gears and chewed with cold mechanical precision. As you are mangled in the gears, your only hope is that you’ll still be able to have an open casket funeral.
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They’ll Tear Your Soul Apart
Previews • Reviews • Release Dates
The Top 5 Creature Features
Nosferatu (1922) Director: F.W. Murnau Starring: Max Schreck Length: 81 minutes
By Philip Vargas
1. Hellraiser
If you ever thought nothing ever came from playing with a box, you would be dead wrong. Let your fingers slide over the sleek façade of Lemarchand’s puzzle box and unlock a doorway into the inner reaches of Hell, where the demonic cenobites, merchants of pain and pleasure, wait to show you delights beyond imagination. Look upon those lost souls desperate to seek out the secrets of the unholy puzzle box only to find their inner most desires twisted and mutilated in the pliant fingers of the demonic engineer, Pinhead. The Hellraiser series is a window through the cracks that lie behind our world and the next, allowing us to discover the greatest articulate manipulation of human flesh and desire ever forged in heaven, hell, or anywhere in between.
2. The Thing (1982)
Stranded in the desolate wasteland of the Antarctic, a remote group of twelve researchers fight for their lives as they are slowly picked off one by one by an alien being that can assimilate the form of any living being it encounters. After spending over 100,000 years in the ice, the thing awakens pissed off and hungry for flesh. As the team finds its numbers dwindling, they begin turning on each other for fear that the Thing, which is slowly consuming one at a time, may be hiding amongst them. The Thing sends shivers down your spine as you watch the alien being transform from one hideous form to another, never quite one thing or the next until the transformation is complete, and by then it’s to late. At the end of the film, you’re still left guessing who is human and who is the Thing.
3. Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Not only are these creatures rampaging killer clowns that feast on an unsuspecting town, but they’re from outer space too. Only Killer Klowns can deliver people being sucked dry through crazy straws in cotton candy cocoons, hunted down by balloon animals, and eaten alive by shadow puppets. You’ll die laughing as these tricksters of terror parade across the screen rounding up people like cattle in order to load them on their big top tent space ship for a midnight snack. If you ever wanted to traumatize a child with a fear of clowns for the rest of their lives, this is the film to sit them down in front of. Laugh, cry and die later.
4. The Monster Squad
What is better than one monster in a movie? How about five of the greatest monsters in movie history? In this creature feature, a gang of suburban adventurers are on a quest for an amulet forged from pure good, in hopes of destroying the dark forces that go bump in the night. Fortunately for us they
have the misfortune of searching for the same object of desire that the one and only Dracula wishes to possess in order to shroud the Earth under the powers of darkness. With the aid of Abraham Van Helsing’s diary, a scary german dude, and Frankenstein’s monster, the boys battle Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf man, and the gill man in an action-packed climax at midnight in order to decide the fate of the world as we know it.
5. IT
Forged from the twisted mind of Stephen King comes a story that will never let you look at a shower drain the same way ever again. Let yourself be entertained by the one and only Pennywise the Clown. He’ll tantalize your insides and feed upon your fear as he shows you your greatest nightmares unbound. Seven children once defeated him in the small town of Derry, Maine but now he is back and these childhood friends must finish the job they started 30 years ago. Having fed on Derry for decades, “it” now wants to play with you. So come on down to the sewer––he has a balloon for you and they float, everything floats down there, and soon enough you’ll float too.
Can we expect Hot Topic T-shirts in 3-D? A Review of Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D What’s the point of re-releasing a thirteen-year old film in three dimensions? Good question, and one that I asked myself when I first heard that Nightmare Before Christmas was being re-released. Well, the most obvious reason would be to tap into the cult following the film has, during the Halloween season so as to make as much money as possible off of the film. The second reason could well have been to add an extra element to the film that had been missing in the past. By adding the dimension of depth to the film, it is my belief that the creators aid in the audience’s ability to be brought into the world being seen on screen. After all, the film was constructed in a three-dimensional world, with three-dimensional characters that were compressed into a two-dimensional, or flat, image viewed by audience members when recorded in traditional film. Inevitably, the two-dimensionality audiences have become familiar with over the years has partially detracted from the world the creative team attempted to create. For all intents and purposes, I will assume that it is common knowledge what this film is about, and that the
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particulars of the plot are known by just about everyone, considering that this is not a new release. For myself, I think that the reason I was so attracted to seeing this film in its new form on the big screen was that it was such a part of my childhood that seeing the oh-so-familiar images projected as larger-than-life felt almost necessary, as I did not see the film originally until it was released on video tape. To be honest, yes, being in three-dimensions was fun and, at least for me personally, it added to the film. Ultimately, though, it is not much more than a publicity ploy by the studio seeking to stuff their pockets with even more of our cash than they already have. It could even be said that this new version is just uninspired overproduction, further cheapening a once-classic film. On a side note, Disney has released a special twodisc soundtrack to coincide with the re-release. This soundtrack features Fall Out Boy, Marilyn Manson, Panic! At The Disco, Fiona Apple and She Wants Revenge, covering songs featured in the film.
-By Laura Sardisco
Originally entitled Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (English: Nosferatu, a Symphony of Horror), this was one of the first movies that attempted to make a motion picture of Bram Stoker’s infamous novel Dracula. Originally, F.W. Murnau had intentions of making the film solely based on Dracula, however his movie studio was unable to obtain rights to use the original names. The film was released in 1922, using a story based on Stoker’s novel. Due to the setback of not being able to use the original title and story of Stoker’s Dracula, Murnau made a version of his own with slight changes in the character names and setting. In the movie Nosferatu, the infamous Count Dracula becomes Graf Orlok played by Max Schreck. Gustav von Wangenheim plays the part of Thomas Hutter (aka Jonathan Harker) alongside his wife Ellen Hutter (aka Elizabeth Harker) performed by Greta Schröder. Of course the story is not complete without an insane character, which is performed by Alexander Granach as Knock (aka R.M. Renfield). In addition, parts of the movie depicting Transylvania were filmed in Slovakia, more specifically Nosferatu’s castle, which is really Orava Castle in northern Slovakia. The film was the first and last film released by Prana-Film GmbH, as the company was forced to declare bankruptcy resulting from a lawsuit by Florence Stoker, widow of Bram Stoker. The Stoker family alleged that Nosferatu was a copyright infringement and won the suit. As a result, all existing copies of the film were to be destroyed. It was from that point on that Nosferatu became a cult classic being traded as a bootleg among horror movie fans. Murnau’s film would be remade in 1979 as Nosferatu, Phantom der Nacht (English: Nosferatu, Phantom of the Night) by Werner Herzog, another German filmmaker. For the 1979 version starring Bruno Ganz, two versions were made, one in German and another in English (which is not dubbed and the actors are speaking/performing in English with their own voices). Although Herzog attempts to restore the original Murnau version, nothing can duplicate an original classic.
Tales from the Crypt: The Complete First Season
2-Disc Set featuring 6 episodes List Price: $26.98 One of the first shows of its kind, Tales from the Crypt gave comic books a bad name and became a scapegoat for parents and communities when their children did something that was considered unorthodox. Ironically, the comics of Tales from the Crypt would come back to haunt the television screen, specifically premium cable television, in the late 80s on HBO. William Gaines in part of EC Comics first created Tales From the Crypt; because educational comics did not, horror and super heroes and villains were the way to go. Like any other comics of the time, there was always a possible twist in which the “bad guy” got their just desserts. The masterminds behind putting comics into a real life were famed producers Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis. These days many comics are being made into movies and cartoons, but once every so often something comes along like Tales that gets made into a TV series with real actors. Maybe it was so successful because it was a horror series, much like The Outer Limits and Alfred Hitchcock Presents. At that time, one could never imagine that any legitimate actors and actresses would want to take part in a series based on a comic book. Any critic at that time can now be proven wrong, with parts and cameos being played by names such as Demi Moore, Don Rickles, Katey Segal, Teri Hatcher, Iggy Pop and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although each episode is entertaining and might actually contain a moral to the story, the show is not complete without its host “The Cryptkeeper,” a festering and rotting corpse with a cheesy but morbid sense of humor who is half freak and half mummy (his mommy was a mummy). The original comics that spawned this series are now out-of-print collectibles, as are all the replicas and reprints. So come on folks, pull up a chair and watch Hollywood types and wannabes have their lives ruined or ended by a fatal twist of serial killers, psychopaths, zombies, vampires and werewolves. -By Giuliano DePieri
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
30 October 2006
Saturday Morning Scaretoons! A Review of Kid’s Halloween Cartoons
L
ike every other good human being in the world, I watch a fair amount of horror movies during October, as part of my pre-Halloween ritual. But when I was younger, I had a routine entirely different, one governed by animated ghouls and goblins: the glorious animated Halloween special. As far as I know, the great American tradition of Halloween cartoons began with 1966s’ It’s
the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. But, if you’re lucky enough to be reading this newspaper, you were probably also lucky enough to have grown up during the real heyday of Halloween cartoons. When I was a lad, I looked forward to the annual animated feast nearly as much as I did to the candied one; every year I was guaranteed at least four or five fantastic Halloween specials, ranging from the excellent (and currently unavailable) Far Side special, to the legitimately horrifying episodes that The Real Ghostbusters would do. One, which featured a green-haired, giant-headed troll-like creature, is still one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen, and it gave me nightmares for over a week. Of course, if you’re talking about Halloween specials, the discussion begins and ends with The Simpsons’ epic “Treehouse of Horror” episodes, which, year in and year out for over a decade, was one of the best half hours of television. You may notice that I’m speaking about the specials in the past tense, despite the fact that FOX will be airing the seventeenth special in a few weeks. I use the past tense because,
to me, the specials died a few years ago, when they stopped being funny. We screened the upcoming FOX one (which, unnaturally, will be airing in November AGAIN this year), and it’s got nearly nothing in common with such classics as “The Shinning”, “King Homer”, and other classic shorts. When I was young, I had a routine: I’d go around my block on one side of the street, then come home and watch “Treehouse of Horror” while I sorted candy and traded with my brother (if “Treehouse” weren’t so funny, he probably never would have given me a full bag of Skittles for two of those puffy peanut things). Then after it was over, sweaty with candy grease, laughter, and latex mask flopsweat, we’d head back out and hit the other side of the street. I also made a point to record, on classic VHS, every Halloween animated special that would come on that year. That way, the next year, I could sit down and watch any of the good ones again. Recently, I found a few of these mix tapes, which yielded up some of my
Dramacula
old favorites, including the 1949 Disney version of Legend of Sleepy Hollow, which holds up stunningly well to rewatching. But if you’re like me, and yearning for the quality cartoons of the past, fret not; a few brave souls are still trying to blaze new paths in the canon. If you need a pick-me-up, look no farther than last week’s South Park, an instant classic that’s available on iTunes and other online spookeries. -By Mike Guardabascio
Submitted For Your Approval
A Review of Dracula Performed by the Inland Pacific Ballet Company
A Review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Dracula as a ballet? Sounds interesting enough, though with much potential for outlandish failure. In all honesty, I had doubts about this production, especially considering my past experiences with performances dealing with similar subject matter. This piece is an original work created by Victoria Koenig and Keven Myers for the Inland Pacific Ballet. It is loosely based upon the text written by Bram Stoker in 1897, maintaining all the principal characters while reworking the original fiction. This performance was a wonderful example of the utilization of non-verbal language, as there was not a single word of spoken dialogue throughout the ballet. In a very real way, it was a direct response to Peter Brook’s question: “Is there another language, just as exacting for the author as a language of words? Is there a language of actions, a language of sounds – a language of word-aspart-of movement[?]…” (The Empty Space). This unique interpretation of Dracula demonstrates a construction of the relationship of the imitation of life or nature to reality that does not merely imitate superficially, but communicates with deeper forces, utilizing the unconscious images we all have to unlink dramatic cause and effect, and, with that, familiar relations of signification. This was achieved in part by establishing a different relationship between the stage and auditorium. “[I]nstead of making the stage and auditorium two closed worlds, without possible communication, [the
Are You Afraid of the Dark? might not have been as scary if it weren’t for the intro: the sound of laughing children, mysteriously igniting matches, creaky abandoned swings...and that clown. Oh God, the clown. But that’s a lie. The unnerving intro (and accompanying music that was equally creepy) only foretold the horrors to come. Almost every episode, despite its terrible acting and sometimes sluggish pace, hit home with its ability to inflict a Twilight Zone-esque twist or to leave terrifying images ingrained into innocent young minds. To say that a child would have been better off without this Nickelodeon classic from the ‘90s is another lie—it taught quality, lifelong lessons. Plagued by an invisible creature in the school swimming pool? Just add manganate (“The Tale of the Dead Man’s Float”). Not sure if those new neighbors on the thirteenth floor were aliens? Don’t take the elevator (aptly titled “The Tale of the Thirteenth Floor”). But the one that possibly takes the cake for both steeling impressionable young minds against the corruption of adulthood AND scaring the shit out of them: “The Tale of the Doll Maker”. An abandoned house, a doll house in the attic, and a girl in the doll house slowly turning into a doll—don’t tell me you don’t remember the hand. THE HAAAAAAND! (Moral of the story: DO NOT try to help your friends.) Not to mention the priceless slang (P.U., dweeb) and the fashion choices (flannel!) combined with clever episode titles (“The Tale of the Dangerous Soup”, which sufficiently prepared Neve Campbell for her illustrious horror movie career). I’ll admit it: I am definitely afraid of the dark, and this winner did everything to worsen that fear. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this The Best Show to Come Out of Canada, Like, Ever. -By Christine Hodinh
30 October 2006
spectacle] spreads its visual and sonorous outbursts over the entire mass of the spectators” (Artuad, The Theater and Cruelty). In Dracula, one of the best demonstrations of this philosophy was in Act 2 at the beginning of Scene 2. As the Undead gathered in Dracula’s castle, his minions, drawn by his power, appeared in the aisles. As they whisked by, the breeze from their bodies washed over the audience. Everything for this production was originally done by and for the Inland Pacific Ballet Company. This being said, the costumes, with one exception, were some of the best that I have seen in a long time. Each and every article of clothing was a large part of the total theatre experience, clearly demonstrating what role each individual fit into in the societal context of the world they created. The one exception was Dracula’s costume. Yes, his formal suit and tails, along with his cape, clearly identified who he was. But the costume was out of place with the others on stage. Primarily what perturbed me was his cape, perhaps because it seemed so visually heavy in comparison with the rest of the costumes, which flowed easily through the air. Dracula ran from October 21st through the 29th at the Bridges Auditorium in Claremont. This is the fourth year that the Inland Pacific Ballet has produced this ballet, and they will most likely repeat their success next October. -By Laura Sardisco
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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dead
Glossary
Introduction to Zombology 1.1 Creation
Humans can be reanimated by a range of causes including, but not limited to, Trioxin 245, unspecified viruses spread through the blood, chemical agents brought from outer space, and voodoo usually practiced in areas such as Haiti. They are characterized by their undead bodily decomposition (missing face, guts spilling out, etc.) and lack of brain activity. If infected with a virus zombies will typical reanimate within two minutes of the original fatality, otherwise reanimation time may vary from one year, as in instances of voodoo, to one hour. Sounds and actions can typically verify if a subject is indeed a zombie. Slowness, awkward silence, and sudden attacks on your person may suggest zombification.
1.2 Classifications
Diagram provided by A. Wilson’s Guide to Undead Anatomy
Fig. 1.1
The multiple ways of creating a zombie has expanded the categories of undead which exist in the world. Running: Certain zombies seem to have completely reversed the effects of rigor mortis to the point where they can sprint at the full speeds capable of any living human. Walking Swimming: The lack of any need for a respiratory system allows the undead to travel underwater without the aid of a breathing apparatus. Working as a survival tactic this enables the zombie to spread disease throughout lands far and wide. Slow/Fast Virus victims (fueled by chemical need) Mind slaves/free willed
Trioxin 245 (n.) Chemical nerve agent that reanimates dead tissue. Highly pressurized gas, white or green in appearance. Can be stored at various temperatures (see Return of the Living Dead). Rigor Mortis (n.) The stiffening of the joints caused by chemical changes in the human body after death. Sets in 3-4 hours after clinical death and can last for long periods of time, and can be slowed by continual movement of the joints. Slow/Fast (adj.) Depending on the level of rigor mortis, and the cause of zombification, the speed of the undead may differ from fast (28 Days Later) to slow (Dawn of the Dead, 1978).
1.3 Diet
The zombie diet consists of: * Brains (human) * Muscle * Limbs left unguarded * Guts and various organs Zombies need to be fed at a consistent rate. If left without food a zombie will starve within 90 days, surviving off of its own remaining body tissue. * Voodoo zombies are exempt to this diet as they have yet to show instances of cannibalistic tendencies and aggressive behavior, and can survive an uninvestigated amount of time without food.
1.4 Termination
Diagram provided by A. Wilson’s Guide to Undead Anatomy
Fig. 1.2
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For the purpose of our own survival, each human being needs to know how to properly kill a member of the walking dead. Listed below are the most effective methods of killing a zombie. Head Trauma: Any form of brain damage can stop a zombie. The more severe the damage, the more effective the kill. Effective weaponry includes: axe, shovel, machete, bat (wood/aluminum), or any form of bludgeoning tool. Explosion: Complete obliteration of zombified tissue is the most efficient way of making sure the disease does not spread. A nuclear explosion will work best if containable; otherwise use a smaller explosive such as dynamite. Spinal Cord Detachment: Any way possible.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Diagram provided by A. Wilson’s Guide to Undead Anatomy
Fig. 1.3
30 October 2006
Y ou Should Read: Clive Barker
By Philip Vargas
“E
verybody is a book of blood; Wherever we’re opened, we’re red.” These are the first words that greet you as you enter into the world that lies behind Clive Barker’s Books of Blood. Brought forth from the inner workings of one of the true masters of horror, a world awaits where the deepest darkest nightmares of the mind lay only a stone’s throw away. Clive Barker has emerged as
one of the finest weavers of horror and fantasy in this century, soaring above all others, going where others dared not to venture. With the inspiration bestowed upon him by such literary masters as Edgar Allan Poe, Ray Bradbury, William Blake, and Arthur Machen, Clive Barker has been able to shape his visions into works that will stand the test of time. His works have found no limits, varying from sinister short stories (Books of Blood,
Incarnations: Three Plays, and Forms of Heaven Three Plays), to gut wrenching novels (The Hellbound Heart and The Damnation Game) to illustrious collections of visual artwork (Illustrator and Illustrator II:The Art of Clive Barker) binding the forms forged in his mind to the page. To walk along his savagely rendered settings captivates the reader, leading them down a path that they may not want to take, but are compelled to follow. Barker leads you on a journey into a world where the realms of heaven and hell coexist with our own. In his world, demons and angels don’t lie above and below, they walk alongside us, watching and waiting in the shadows. His is a world that knows no bounds. Barker’s greatest gift is his ability to cast aside the thin veneer that shrouds our view of the horrors of hell and the wondrous delights of heaven and reveal the gritty truth that lies beneath. His visions cause one to truly look at
the world around them and wonder how far fiction truly is from reality. His style of “dark fantasy” draws in the fears, fantasies, and mythologies of an already turbulent world, refashioning them in a way that is rich with the sensual nature of the supernatural and the horrific truth, peeled aside to expose the rawness hidden underneath. His spellbinding literature pierces the reader, not releasing its hooks until the last words are consumed in their entirety and the time of admiration has ended. Interpretations of his visions not only via the articulation of the written word but through illustrious illustration and the direction and creation of films, cast aside the shroud that masks the interpretation of his skewed view of reality. Bringing images out of the darkest regions of hell, we bear witness to the masterful practitioners of pain and pleasure that lie behind doorways waiting eagerly
World War Z:
An Oral History of the Zombie War Review by Katie Wynne Max Brooks, writer of the acclaimed and imperative Zombie Survival Guide, now unleashes his life’s work; an oral history of World War Z. In this mockumentary about the terrifying and catastrophic zombie incursion, the few and brave survivors share their stories and tragic losses in the hopes to avoid future disasters of such a gruesome magnitude. I will honestly say that writing this review will be difficult, as Brooks has written such a detailed account that I was convinced several times that this war had actually taken place. Whether it was the strange resemblance to our current government at war with foreign terrors, or just the amazing attention to detail that Brooks employed, I was shaken. You awake on a normal morning, a bit overcast, and go through the motions of daily life. You check your email and battle pop ups, drive to work, grind away and hurry home. This was the story of Kwang Jingshu, a medical doctor in the Greater Federation of China. Before the “Great Panic,” Jingshu made a seemingly ordinary house call to a village hut in the outskirts of town where there were complaints of a new type of flu. After inspecting the infected however, Jingshu came to the grim realization that this was something far worse, and also, something he could not combat on his own. So began the “Great Panic.” Mass hysteria and rapid outbreak had the world on its knees. The disease had spread to every shore, leaving hordes of the living dead consuming all ignorance in their path. People did not know what to do to stop them, no cure,
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Washington
Irving’s
Sleepy Hollow no plan, no way to win. Blood curdling and tear-wrenching tales of family members watching their loved ones get torn apart in front of their frozen-in-fear faces is a true testament of Brooks’s range. People rising from the dead to feast upon the living is a phenomenon that most will dismiss, but world war and global decimation explained in extreme detail with realistic and current social implications is much harder to brush off. The Z history illustrates how an overzealous American President puts his party’s needs before the safety and good of his people, how the shortcomings and fabrications of government programs lead to chaos and disaster, and how disregard and isolation will leave our world in dust. For horror fans not so keen on reading, fear not. The Hollywood Reporter revealed that after a heated biding war Brad Pit’s Plan B has bought the filming rights for World War Z. You can look forward to something along the lines of Fahrenheit 9/11 meets Dawn of the Dead.
By Mike Guardabascio
in the darkness within such works as The Hellbound Heart and the Faustian The Damnation Game waiting to be opened. Vivid acts of violence and mutilation cause the body to cringe but captivates the mind in such a way that the hunger to devour every drop of blood spilt on the page is irresistible. Clive Barker is a visionary who comes along only once in a blue moon, sure to bring countless years of inspiration and enjoyment to the old and young for generations to come.
When I was younger (well, okay, I still do this), I used to have a stack of stories that I’d read every Halloween. At the top of the stack was always Washington Irving’s “Legend of Sleepy Hollow.” As I got older, I found out a lot of really unfortunate things about this story; for example, Irving more or less stole the entire plot from German folk tales, and apparently the story I grew up reading contains little to no original creative output from Irving. Also, rereading it this year for the first time in a while, I realized for the first time (somehow) that the ending pretty unambiguously disproves the existence of the Headless Horseman. Yes, the Hessian of my wild imagination was nothing more than a prank, devised to defend the heart of a girl who was way more annoying than I ever remembered her. The same thing was true with the classic Disney adaptation; at the end of it, I somehow never noticed the clear signs that the horseman was the invention of a slow-witted jealous idiot. If this story has a flaw, which to me it really doesn’t, it’s that very fact; all of the story’s real imaginative wonderwork is grounded much too much in reality. Most people I know that were inspired creatively by this story tend to forget that the Horseman wasn’t real; one of the story’s greatest strengths is that it allows you to forget its ending. The strengths of “Sleepy Hollow,” wonderful scenesetting and the characterization of this imaginary monster, are so strong that, much like the citizens of Sleepy Hollow, these magic and terrifying fictions are infinitely more powerful than reality.
Comic Spotlight: EC Comics By Beef
Many children’s first introduction to comic books begins with Superman or Batman or even Spider-Man. Not me; my first one was Tales from the Crypt, and it scared the shit out of me. Trying to get me to read more than just children’s books from the library, my mom thought it might be nice to treat me to a comic book from the new comic shop that opened around the corner from our house. I was about 7 years old and at the time I loved all the classic superheroes
and cartoons that all kids in 1992 loved. Unfortunately since the shop was still moving into their new digs, all they had to offer me were hundreds of Star Trek comics and reprinted old issues of Tales from the Crypt displayed on a spinning rack. After opening the comic up and reading the first page, my memory gets a little hazy, not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because this story in particular scared me to the point where I had to block it from my memory so that I wouldn’t have recurring nightmares. It was my first introduction to the world of the macabre, and I didn’t want to see any more. I wasn’t ready for these kinds of stories, so I tossed it into the bottom of my toy bin and left it there under my Bat-cave toy set and Ecto-1. It would be 3 years until I picked up another comic book. Fortunately, some of the best storytellers in recent history were more indulgent of the stories that EC Comics (publisher of Tales)
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
put out every month back in the ‘50s. Ray Bradbury allowed for his short stories to be turned into comics throughout multiple issues of EC’s sci-fi titles, which were a strong influence on not only George Lucas, but Steven Spielberg as well. Some of the horror genre’s top creators like George Romero (director of Night of the Living Dead) and Stephen King grew up on reading these comics month to month. They were so heavily inspired by the stories in Tales from the Crypt and Vault of Horror, that in the early ‘80s they felt the need to give homage by making the film Creepshow, which offers up three vignettes in the EC horror fashion. The EC comics can finally be read by a new generation thanks to new hardcover “archive edition” books being put out by RCP (Russ Cochran Publisher). Each one of EC’s popular titles is getting its first six issues printed in a hardcover with subsequent volumes to come out at a later date.
30 October 2006
Comic Spotlight: Marvel Zombies
L
ast year we gave love to Robert Kirkman’s fantastic zombie epic, The Walking Dead. This year, we’re giving love to Kirkman’s fantastic zombie epic (of the mini-series variety) Marvel Zombies. Why? Because no one writes a better zombie comic than Robert “Fuggin” Kirkman. The premise is this: the greatest heroes in the Marvel Universe have been infected by a plague that turns them into undead flesh eaters. Within a few days the entire world population has been wiped out and a group of surviving zombies (Spider-Man, Wolverine, Captain America, Hulk, etc.) hunt down Magneto, one of the last remaining survivors. Along the way some incredibly gruesome scenes take place and one of
the biggest characters in the Marvel Universe is eaten alive. Like I said in the last comic spotlight, (Black Hole) not all comics are for kids. This book is no exception to that rule. I’m not sure how Kirkman got the green light on a script that involved Captain America losing part of his head to his shield, or Spider-Man ripping off one of his legs as he moans about eating Aunt May and Mary Jane, but he did. I’m not complaining, mind you, I just can’t fathom it. Aside from the gore…actually, there is no aside. A lot of the best parts of this book involve terrible shit happening to beloved characters. And while it sounds insane, Kirkman underscores the terror with a wit and creativity that
transcend most genre conventions. This isn’t a book about social and mental collapse, like Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, but rather the perfect example of modern day, “What If?” writing: fun, gruesome and consistently surprising. Likewise, I’ve got nothing but praise for Sean Phillips. His art is both iconic and spooky, with zombie faces mainly comprised of white eyes and teeth hidden in shadow. While it would’ve been nice to see some variety in the decay of the characters, his art doesn’t hurt the book either. At the end of the day, he does a great job and I can’t imagine anyone else’s art accompanying this story. If you love zombies, or Marvel, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t read this book. -By Miles Lemaire
Rue Morgue Magazine Profile I don’t shop at Hot Topic, or jism at the alter of the Jack Skellington. I don’t listen to death metal, or pierce and tattoo my unmentionables. I don’t even wear dark clothes on a consistent basis. I’m the rare breed of horror fan that balances a social life with the mass consumption of horror films. And because of this, or perhaps in spite of it, I read Rue Morgue Magazine. Rue Morgue covers all things horror; i.e. movies, literature, music, video games, toys, conventions, etc. The tagline of their magazine is “Horror in Culture & Entertainment,” which should give you a pretty good idea of the range of topics they’re willing to include in the average issue.
What makes it worth reading in a world of Fangoria and Bloody-Disgusting.com is a craftsmanship that few publications, genre or otherwise, can lay claim to. The head designers and layout artists for Rue Morgue seem to take their cues from Dario Argento, in the sense that every blood-spattered page is both gruesome and gorgeous. Case in point: a few months ago, Stuart Gordon’s masterpiece From Beyond received top billing with a cover image that nearly dripped off the page in fluorescent pink and green. That cover alone proves that Rue Morgue isn’t in the business of pimping remakes or appeasing sponsors. They’re here because they love hor-
ror (just like you?) and they aren’t afraid to pull any punches when they come across something they hate. And while I don’t always agree with the reviews they give certain films or DVDs, I do appreciate the honesty and intelligence they use when approaching their subjects. The writers seem to understand the history of the genre, without ever allowing it to tie them down. This month’s issue includes a massive retrospective on Lucio Fulci, a guide to 50 alternative horror novels (i.e. no Stephen King), a history of the Quija board and a metric ton of reviews. Read it today and lament the fact that Canada puts out a better horror magazine than the US. -By Miles Lemaire
ZOMBIE POETRY The Final Solution: A Zombie Ezra Pound Sestina paper sticks to my flesh and my eyeballs have liquefied anyhow…I drank them slow with a nicely chilled Pinot. There’s nothing like eyewine when the evening drags. A small cry belies a hiding mother and child—I drag them from behind their shanty and bathe in blood. The child, tender and succulent, I choose to slowcook it into a fluffy quiche. I chew the woman’s uterus, a life giving womb becomes my death dinner. Mmmmm, slut-flesh. Yea, I fill the air with a “Gggghhhhhhh…” my cry of thirst. Damn it all! One would hope that the tasty flesh of the whore and her dog would slow the hunger creeping throughout my soul, I’ve licked blood off the broad (and my fingers) but my thirst remains unquenched, alas, I’ll just gnaw on a knucklebone as I drag myself over to the Moulin Rouge in search of more food-giving life. I was the greatest living poet, back when I could claim to have life. Now, because of toxic waste, I consume living flesh in order to satisfy this unending starvation, time drags on for enternity after eternity, as the plague slowly encircles the earth. Briefly, I wonder what thirsty zombie mosquito’s feast upon—living or undead blood? A man wielding a cross and a torch approaches, his blood sprays in an arc from his jugular, and the lucky man loses his life. A spiked plasma punch, warm sweet elixer, a momentary lapse in thirst. If only there was a decent poem to critique, but
30 October 2006
I remember vaguely when women and music could slake my thirst, instead of recently living bodies, the sound of teeth dragging across bones causes my still heart to rejoice, but my manflesh cannot rise, tis a hollow pleasure now. Oh bloody hell! Being an irate, arrogant zombie-critic is no life for a brilliant (if decomposing) mind. Goddamn, do I walk slow. Perhaps this will not be so bad after all, zombies are slow But undead, eventually we will tire of all this violence and thirst For brain-food again, for words and poetry, to create life In literature when non exists on Earth. The awful epic zombie poems will drag on and accumulate until I take up my pen (or finger) and write critiques in blood, teasing gems from the piles of rubble, bones, and rotting flesh. So let the slow eternity drag; Hell’s hot thirst is doused not with blood, But with everlasting words carved in flesh.
A Zombie Speaks of Livers By Zombie Langston Hughes I’ve known livers: I’ve known livers succulent and soft as tender baby skulls, warm and slippery by the flow of human blood in human veins. My hunger has grown strong like the livers. I bathed in the diaphragm when dawns were dead. I scratched into hepatic caves near the cystic duct and it begged me to creep. I looked upon the bile and raised the entrails above it. I heard the crying of men when I took them, in my hands and teeth, down to the doomed city, and I’ve seen its bloody bosom turn all shimmering crimson in the sunset. I’ve known livers: Succulent, tender livers. My hunger has grown strong like the livers.
b o d y by zombee cummings arm finger; leg||||| finger arm neck torso genitals8 finger head hand foottoetoetoetoetoetoe
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Creative Arts]
ILLustrative creatures
By Andrew Wilson
Evil Crown
By Michael Matthew Mudge
I Am Suicidal By Aracely Ceja
Trick or Treat
By Mischievous Kid
nh
my Di
Stagnant glassy lake; shore side across the basin headhunters dance about skyscraper emissions disposing remains. Coolness drops the time late at the end of the tunnel of flames off the lake willow trees sway to the tranquil sound of a train in the distance. Concealed backstage it builds; sweat beading off the tortured spider fog rolling, emerges from corner peripherals; wings pierce spinal flesh sensing the lour craving addictively sedation of spell. Warlock magic boils the lake now the culdren. Witch laughter dominatrically suppressed, slave to monk goth chants secrets to my wings. “Inhale for fog is gaseous potion spike” Spider fog’s infinite legs skate the water quicker in the wind about me my wings in a fit, breathing hard blasting off to escape overdose. Scavenging space to Dracula’s concrete gargoyle, brick of his castle forgotten in the crater of the moon. High above I watch evil engulf my prior pinpoint as the sun watches from light years beyond clouds slowly glide over ocean of the earth.
Trick or Treat Smell my feet Give me something good to eat. If you don’t I don’t care I’ll pull down your underwear. Give me dimes, Give me pennies On your house Eggs a-plenty. TP on trees Silly string on cars If I don’t get some candy bars!
By Jim
Illustration by Philip Vargas
Now transformed to fly I hawk the siluette of a broom Zooming cryptically between stars; new nocturnal life. Airborne hunting in pitch fog ‘n’ darkness swooping from sadows of strife, fangs striking bull’s-eye! Carving afterlife as a knive. This witch my revenge to cursed eternity. Consumed! Evilives through this crown. Curdled lashes roll off shore of devils pit.
quintiSuicide
By Giuliano De Pieri
By
I try to find love, but no one is there. I look below and above, but nobody cares. I lock myself in my room, and fall into a trance. I see a bride and groom, take their first married dance. Why does everyone smile? And why do I cry? Why does it only take a while, for my feelings to die? How loud must I yell, for people to hear? And why can’t they tell, that I need them near? I cut myself, only for attention. I’ve always felt, I needed affection. Will someone please notice, your live is vital? This is why, I am suicidal.
The day is upon us, your end when it decides to fetch it’s fiendemented friend; your date for the celebration. Dark Christmissing; Witch’s Sabboth join us else simpleton surely sacrificed. Why Tiss the season! Drink from our culdren! A suspicious spike?
an
einm ie R Kat
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
30 October 2006
[Comics] Tom By Andrew Wilson
androidwilsonx@aol.com
Life and Times By Lewis Grey
Graveyard By Guiliano
Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake
kookoo.monsquad.com
Bad Pun Comic By Boy and Girl
Across 1- Cruise stops 6- Let it stand 10- Monetary unit of Thailand 14- Sierra ___ 15- Listen to 16- Apart 17- Atlas feature 18- Describes a gently
cooked steak 19- DEA agent 20- Manipulator 21- Having a foreign appearance 23- Convergent 25- Assuage 26- Vanilla ___, American rap star 27- Moved back and forth
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
30 October 2006
29- Like gauze 32- Gaze intently 33- 7th letter of the Greek alphabet 36- Land measure 37- Friendship 38- Haul 39- 1980’s movie starring Bo Derek and Dudley Moore
40- Flaw 41- Animation 42- Rush 43- Step in ballet 44- Utterly senseless 47- Least amount possible 51- Reevaluate 54- Ascend 55- Extol 56- Having wings 57- Ethical 58- Teen spots? 59- Roster 60- Money paid 61- Wither through heat exposure 62- Ship stabilizer 63- Gray Down 1- Hipbone 2- Inward feeling 3- One in second, say 4- Endow with energy 5- Become firm 6- Gesture of indifference 7- Nipple 8- British nobleman 9- Exchequer 10- Bloodhound 11- Look for 12- Stern
13- Greek goddess of fortune 21- Washington bill 22- Not one 24- Very cold 27- Subway turner 28- Unit of power 29- Gangster’s gun 30- Very skilled person 31- Vase 32- Complacent 33- Be human 34- 22nd letter of the Hebrew alphabet 35- It’s just a number 37- Large burrowing African mammal 38- Desiring 40- Animal pelts 41- Covered vehicle 42- Divide 43- Filled pastry crust 44- Collection of maps 45- Clamp 46- Sweatbox 47- Wall painting 48- Jollity 49- Grammarian’s topic 50- Breakfast fruit 52- Tropical plant 53- Overdue 57- Extinct flightless bird
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Easy
Medium
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[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
How to Play Sudoku
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Easy
22
Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com
Medium
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
30 October 2006
VOLUME 59
I’M ON THE TRADER JOE’S BAG
Stoned Monster Fascinated By Own Hands
ISSUE 10
Grunion Roll Call! Fancy Lash The Nothing
Invisible Man Tickles The Hell Out of Bush
Angel-Soft Mummy Unravels During Rush Week
THIS CHARMIN MAN: Enjoy, Pat.
Lump Found During Wolf Manogram
Father McKenzie
Cheney Denies ‘Turtle-Tickle’ Torture
By The Nothing
GRUNION HATCHET WOUND
A
fter speculations concerning Vice President Dick Cheney’s favoritism towards torture arose on Friday, Republican representatives and the Vice Lady assert that, “Dick has always run on an anti-torment platform. He has never wavered, or changed views, and he has a really sweet side that most Americans don’t get to see.” The Vice President was elected in 2000 with a campaign that boasted, “Freedom First, Questions Later!” and “Feel This Hot Poker & Tell Me That Again Asshole!” Yet despite these questionable slogans Cheney now says he never endorsed torture, specifically the very controversial “turtletickle.” In 2003 reports that POWs were enduring a new kind of torture in order to persuade them to give up the location of certain terrorist leaders linked to the 2001 September 11th attacks. Allegedly they were tied to a chair and forced to eat forty-two live baby sea turtles in front of the mother turtle. Then, when the mother was good and angry she would climb up
the prisoner’s pee hole and proceed to do a search and rescue for her young. “It just isn’t my style,” the Vice President told the Associated Press while holding a dainty cup of tea. “I have always treated our captives with politeness and grace. I make sure they have a television to watch Oprah every day, and have even taken them out hunting with me on occasion.” Guards of WARTORTLE: Cheney likes strokes. the national POW camps confirmed this information and one added, temple rubs,” Cheney insisted. “Hurting “That guy loves Oprah.” them would only make them weak and These conflicting accounts of Cheney’s scared. I am a really nice guy and people stance have left Americans and UN should start realizing that I have strong leaders confused and angry. The Russian view about family, friends, and happiness. I representative voiced his unrest at a press figured I would start by sending the nation conference on Saturday saying, “The some photo Christmas postcards like this American Vice President needs to fess one (see above photo)." up. He has been pro-pain from day one.” The Vice President will be on close watch Other heads of the UN claim that they have as he continues to flip-flop from nice guy to always considered Cheney the poster boy strange dementor, but many speculate that for information gathering. this sudden public change of heart stems “Listen, if I want answers from these from the upcoming Guantanamo Bay gents then I will offer them a toffee and some inspections next month.
I’m Finally Legal…ly Allowed to Ride My Bike With No Helmet
Zombies Angry Over ‘Junk Food Brains’
By David Needlemeyer GRUNION OPINIONEE
TIT HOUND: Really, cancer’s no joke.
Jim Jarmusch to Direct ‘Loft of Frankenstein’
It’s finally here, thank God, thank GOD! Today is my 18th birthday, and I think we all know what that means. Yeah, baby, I can finally ride this sweet-ass Magma 12-speed without a helmet. Hold on to your women: I’m coming for them, at any one of twelve defined speeds and without any protective head covering. Oh that an eternity of waiting should come to an end, that my life’s apex should be attained at so young an age! Why, it seemed like only yesterday that I was walking into an R-rated movie for the first time, and here I am, wind blowing through my hair, no strap chafing my cheeks. When I get to school, I won’t need to make the decision between giving up valuable backpack space to store my helmet and leaving it in the bike cage where any idiot who wants can just come up and take it. So, to any and all ladies attending Woodrow Wilson High School, come and take a ride with me—I don’t need a car, I’ve got double-wide handlebars. ADVERTISEMENT
DEAD MAN: If you understand this joke, you’re my friend.
By Flying Jellyfish
GRUNION TRAINEE
In a pre-Halloween conference, the Continually Under Nourished Team of Zombies (CUNTZ) expounded their outrage over unhealthy gray matter. Their spokeszombie claimed that humans’ habits of sitting on the couch and memorizing pop culture facts have led them to a state of mental malnourishment. The human community has responded by saying, ”We, like, totally aren’t stupid bro. Those zombies are just hatin’ on our freedoms dawg. We don’t have to be like Shakespeare and stuff to be like smart.” They then added, “Shut up.” Zombie researchers have found that since the 50s human brains have seen an increase in vitamin deprived areas like the lobe that cares about which celebrities are having sex with each other or how to change
the channels on the TV without getting up when the remote is across the room. Likewise more healthy cerebral areas are in decline. “How can these humans, with their whole lives to look forward to, just be content to think idly about sex and old TV shows?” said lead scientist zombie Bub. “There is so much to discover, so much to learn, yet these people just want to watch stoned kids laughing at Pokémon. What in the dark lord Satan’s domain?” Some of the undead think that the concerns are overblown. “The atrophied condition of the human population’s neural system makes it easier to kill and consume their brains,” said veteran human trapper zombie Bruce Graow. “They used to fight back or run, but now all you have to do is tell them you’re filming a reality show and they practically jump into our waiting nets.”
VOLUME 59
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
John Goodman Tempts Trick-or-Treaters
ISSUE 10
HAPPY HOWL’WEEN, STINK-O
Freddy and Jason Spotted Necking At Spago
Headlines War on Terror Targets Halloween
Michael J. Fox to Star in Remake of Tremors
GRABOID: Just another joke assuring our place in hell.
Candy Stealer Super Stoked On Life
By Fancy Lash
GRUNION GENTLEMAN
L
ast Sunday, President Bush announced a series of extensions to the Patriot Act that would allow for the prevention of the proposed terrorist attack: “Halloween.” The televised address took place in the bed of a pick-up truck where a notably rosy-cheeked Bush explained his decision. “I think I’ve made it fairly clear that terror, horror or phantasmagoria of any sort will not be tolerated during my time as president,” said Bush. “Which is why I think it’s crucial to put an end to the Halloween holiday before terror runs unchecked through our streets.” The President outlined a series of amendments to the Patriot Act that would allow citizens suspicious of terrorist activities in their neighborhood to take matters into their own hands. “If a child is caught wearing any sort of disguise or costume that incites fear, they may be detained and or executed by any
means necessary,” said Bush. “Even a grown man, like myself, is encouraged to push these tiny demons to the ground and grab their candy away from them. I’m serious. Even a president, like me, can push a small mermaid creature-child on the ground and take the delicious fruits of their terrorist labor.” The President then produced a baseball bat, crudely marked with the words “Teh Peecmaker.” BUSH’S LIPS: President Bush gives us our 5th straight “Likewise, any home found vagina joke this year. to be supporting or enticing these monster children with promises of sweetAs the press conference drew to a close, meats or sugared confections will be seen as the truck radio began a re-broadcast of a threat to national security. These houses will Orson Well’s classic radio adaptation of War suffer an extreme pumpkin demolitionization, of the Worlds. The President, who was in the a domicile zygoting and “TP”ing. Now watch process egging a suspicious house, was pulled this drive.” The President then proceeded to aside by one of his aides and listened to the tear a pumpkin asunder with his bat, grunting broadcast. and guffawing as bits of pulp and shell sprayed “Oh God,” Bush said. “Oh Jesus Christ! across the street. It’s too late.”
Pedophilia on Parade: Favorite Halloween Costumes Reviewed By Father McKenzie
GRUNION GHOST OF HUMAN KINDNESS
Well, not quite as many kids come around the parish since the second arrest, but we’ll still get our fair share of visitors this year, delicious little delights turning tricky tricks to get their treats. This year, expect to see the classics of course; hiding behind a candy display at Target, I’ve seen tons of kids begging their parents for Spider-Man and Batman costumes. Personally, I don’t like to see this mockery of a child’s body. If the good Lord wanted those abhorrently developed muscles on a fresh-faced boy, he would have put them there himself. Cheerleader outfits continue to sell consistently high, though it appears (regrettably) to mostly parents of young girls.
Perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve been following some of the more cutting edge Halloween fashions, including some truly delicious designs by major labels like Versace and Armani. These progressive designers are casting away the Puritanical tights and designing new costumes that show of a child’s assets: his skin, his smile, and his posterior. One of my favorites has to be the Darling Dominatrix outfit put out by Gucci, which features four-inch long fishnet stockings perfect for your little toddler girl (or boy!), as well as a cute little whip, that really makes a cracking noise when you snap it! Also, the last few days have seen Isaac Mizrahi’s sexy schoolgirl outfit rising in stock considerably since Zazul modeled it on South Park. If you’re looking for my
pick of the year, though, look no further than Vera Wang’s wonderfully objectifying Young Trashy Slut outfit, which is slutty enough for a young girl, but durable enough to be worn by a rambunctious little boy. It seems with each passing year that there are less and less pedophobes on the streets, something we should all be thankful for. If anyone in our society should be considered sex objects, it’s children, and Halloween is the perfect holiday to put the goods on display. If you’re a parent and you’re reading this, I urge you to forego those dressed-down duds of the past, and buy your child something they’ll remember forever, no matter how many times you send them to therapy. And for God’s sakes, don’t be one of those parents who denies their child the joys of trick-ortreating; in fact, if you want, feel free to bring them by the back of the church any day of the week; I always keep a fresh bowl waiting.
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MIKE LIKES JOKES: Grunion writer redeems self in 11th hour.
John Goodman: Popular Halloween Costume
VAGINAS AND GOODMAN: Because we love them.
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