[Issue 59.12] That Webster Guy Was an Asshole Letter from the Editor
H
ere we are in the twelfth week, and we’re about to kick off…wait. Is that spelled right? Twelfth? I’m not getting that little red squiggly line, so it must be. But wouldn’t it be something like twelveth? I mean, logically that makes sense, right? Tenth, eleventh, twelveth, thirteenth, and so on. So who the hell decided to drop the ve for an f? Was it just a typo someone made when they were writing the dictionary, and no one decided to fix it? Webster was probably rushing because he was about to miss his deadline, and was all like, “I, uh, don’t know what you’re talking about. Of course that’s how you spell ‘twelfth,’ who do you think I am? Someone that doesn’t know how to spell ‘twelfth?’ I say good day, Sir!” I always knew that Webster guy was an asshole. He was probably that kid at the spelling bee that scoffed when you got a word wrong, but cried when he lost. What a prick that kid was. You know who I mean: the type of twelve year old that tucks his button-up shirt into his brown seersucker pants, and shines the penny in his loafers; the small, dweebish, snot-nosed kid with spectacles too large for his tiny, round head. He’s got that stupid bowl cut his mom gave him because she’s too cheap to pay the local barber 10 bucks for a kid’s haircut, but spends like 85 dollars a month to cover up her grey at some fancy salon. You’re not fooling anyone, ma’am. And how the hell do you pronounce it? I really don’t think English has a sound attached to the -fth combination. FFFthhh? Just try to say it out loud right now. You can’t do it, can you? That’s because it’s a stupid word. It’s the single reason that non-English spea-
king students at this school spend so much time trying to learn English. They’re just rolling right though the number system, and then bam! Hit by twelfth like a ton of bricks. Regardless, here we are in dozenth week, and we’re about to kick off a whole new era in Cal State Long Beach history. For the past decade, our men’s basketball team has seen attendance at the Pyramid dwindle to a lackluster 1,600 students per home game. On a campus that boasts 35,000 strong, there is no doubt in my mind that we should be able to pull in nearly double that and average, let’s say, a conservative estimate of 2,900 students. What is that? Let me just pull up a calculator here… 35,000 students divided by 2,900… and carry the 2… looks like we’re aiming for a... twelfth of the student body. Hmm. That shouldn’t be too hard for a FREE game, should it? If you’re one of those 33,400 students not taking advantage of collegiate basketball at its finest, then you should really be ashamed of yourself, because honestly, you don’t even need to enjoy basketball in general for the opportunity to root for your home team. Simply being among the small portion of fans proud enough to support their 49ers is entertaining in its own right. And if you’re one of those people who secretly wished that they were living the fairy tale college experience (see Animal House, Hoosiers) then there is no better opportunity than this Friday night (November 17th) at 7:30pm to see how you can make that happen. The entire Union Weekly staff will be on hand, dressed in all black, rooting for our boys in yellow for their home opener. It’d be nice to see you there.
-Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
Give As Much As You Can Yay for homeless people! While we and most/all of you are chowing down on an unbelievably glutton-like feast of food, there are people all over the country who won’t have anything…unless you help us change that. The Union Weekly is holding its first annual can drive for the homeless; any time between now and Thanksgiving break, bring by any canned goods you’ve got sitting around (or be a sport and actually buy some appetizing stuff from the store) and we’ll make sure they get where they belong. Our office is located in the courtyard on the second story of the Student Union, right next to the police station. Look for the pirate flag…the pirate flag of caring.
Last Chance to Grade Your Professors We know you can go to hundreds of online sources to find ratings for your professors, but we’re not interested in just a grade – no, we’re looking for a little more. Give us an honest opinion of why your professor sucks (or doesn’t) so that your fellow students can benefit. We’ll post the results in an upcoming issue so that you can better plan your Spring 2007 schedule.
Class Title______________ Professor___________________ Grade______ GE____ Notes_________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Please return these grades to the Union Weekly offices in the University Student Union (U256a). We’re located next to the Music Listening Lounge and across from the Elektric Hair Salon. You may also email your results to info@lbunion.com, or fill out the form on www.lbunion.com.
Our Cover in the Making
Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Izzett Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Katie Wynne Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design
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Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Jared Kenelm Collins, Giuliano De Pieri, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Christopher Troutman, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Kevin Ferguson, Jimmy Dinh, Christine Hodinh, Eric Bryan, Art Montoya, Michael Matthew Mudge, James Kislingbury
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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13 November 2006
Opinions Quit Yer Bitchin’ and Git Back in the Kitchin’ By Erin Hickey Opinions Editor
It seems like these days, every time a woman doesn’t get her way, she cries sexism. Whether it be a promotion at work, a good grade on an essay, or even just speedy service at a restaurant, if a woman doesn’t get it, it’s automatically a man’s fault for holding her down. Just as common as the often complained about, “race card,” is the subtler “gender card.” Rather than putting in the extra effort to obtain what they want, many women attribute their failures to the assumption that “women just have it harder.” By constantly complaining about how sexist our society is and expecting things to be handed to them because of it, these women perpetuate the very stereotype they claim to be battling: helplessness. I’m often shocked by how easily offended some women are. If a man offers to help them with a heavy box, or even opens a door for them, they insist that he is demeaning them, assuming they can’t do things for themselves. Conversely, if a woman holds the door open as she leaves a building, they marvel at how considerate she is. Newsflash: men don’t open doors for you because they think you’re defenseless. They, like women, open doors and offer assistance because they are nice things to do. Even if men were trying to imply that you’re weaker than they are, rather than simply making a thoughtful gesture, who cares? Biologically, women are weaker than men; it’s not sexism, it’s a fact. On that note, when you go out in public wearing a skimpy outfit, you relinquish
your right to be offended by compliments, catcalls, or horn honks. This rule applies to both genders. Before you start screaming about freedom of expression, I’m not saying women should be reprimanded when they dress like whores; by all means, wear what you like. Just don’t be upset
a complete stranger’s sexuality and calling her names? I can guarantee you women are the ones doing the latter. In fact, we’re our own worst enemies. The modern feminist movement is ridiculous, because it was founded on the assumption that women actually want to see other women succeed. This is not the case. Women view each other as competition, and jump at the opportunity to bring each other down. Why get caught up in the idea of female empowerment? What’s wrong with selfe mp ow e r m e nt ? Look out for you: work your ass off, fight only for what you think is worth fighting for, and don’t worry about anyone else, cause chances are, they’re not worrying about you. You’ll get a lot further in life without all of womankind clinging to your coat tails. Okay, maybe I’m being a little judgmental; it’s possible that it actually is more difficult to be female than male in Western society, although, as a woman, I’ve never noIllustration By Andrew Wilson ticed it. In that case, prove that you aren’t the stereotypical wilting flower of the fifwhen you receive the attention you’re obvi- ties, and work a little harder than men do to ously asking for. Contrary to popular belief, get where they are. I promise you’ll get a lot when men whistle, it is far from demeaning. more done by standing up and taking action If anything, they have just empowered you: than by sitting around and whining about when you set out to provoke a reaction from how unfair life is. men and they play into it, you’ve gained the Questions? Comments? upper hand. I mean what’s worse? Catcalling Erin Hickey can be reached at erin@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com or making generalized assumptions about
A Day at The Polls By James Kislingbury Contributor
5:00 AM– The alarm wakes me up. It must be some sort of cruel joke, because it’s five in the morning. My first instinct is to file this among the several reasons I can’t stand my roommates. Then I realize it’s my alarm clock: It’s election day and I volunteered as a poll worker. I know by noon I’m going to be mainlining coffee. 5:17 AM- Downstairs, I am surprised to see the neon beer pong table hanging from our ceiling and a kid with half a first name passed out on the couch. Classy. 6:00 AM- I meet the poll workers. Amiable fellows it seems, but then again Boris and his fifth-columnist cronies don’t advertise. I add them to my list of possible communist agents. 7:00 AM– It is way too early for me to be getting warned about committing a federal crime. Most people don’t think listening to NPR on headphones is a big deal. The control freak from the other precinct across the room seems to think otherwise. Not being too into prison or sodomy, I put the iPod away. 9:45 AM– The day has just started and my
13 November 2006
fellow poll worker has started reminiscing about the Korean War. Apparently, I shouldn’t mess with Turks because they’ll slit your throat and wear your ears as a necklace. This does not improve the table’s levity. 10:50 AM– I stop my rant against 9/11 conspiracy theories when a man whose arms are decorated with said event approaches to vote. Thankfully, he doesn’t hear the conversation. My paycheck for this is not big enough to deal with that kind of awkwardness. 11:39 AM– The veteran shows off a photo of himself with Teddy Kennedy. I mean to say, “Is this before or after he murdered that hooker?” but “That’s cool,” slips out instead. 12:00 PM– Eight more hours of this. I wonder how I can kill myself with this pencil. 12: 34 PM– My ass is sore. Everyone else at the table is sitting on a pillow. Bastards. Again, I curse God for giving me the ass of an anemic twelve year-old girl. 12:50 PM– Fish taco time. Hells yes. My food disappears quickly, as I’ve only been given about forty seconds to eat by the state. 1:08 PM– I play the beat from some White Stripes song I forget the name of on the table. This is my 400th time doing this today. Ad-
mittedly, this is far better than having Meat Loaf ’s “I Will Do Anything For Love” stuck in my head again. 4:07 PM– A guy with a suspiciously trimmed beard is worried about provisional voting. I joke about the situation. He doesn’t laugh. I fear that stupid people have figured out how to vote. 6:47 PM– A man with a learning disability is forced to vote provisionally and is angered quickly, like a less green and violent Hulk. I instantly realize that this metaphor makes little sense and am glad I kept it to myself. 7:18 PM– I chow down on some pizza. It tastes like freedom. And eggplant. 8:00 PM– So another four years of bitching about stuff only a tenth of the population has bothered voting about officially begins. 8:34 PM– We finish counting all of the ballots. The realization that I failed to write in “Oliver Cromwell” saddens me. The other precinct is still counting. That’s what you get for taking my NPR away from me, bitch. 8:35 PM– Now, off to write a philosophy paper that I am in no way ready for. God bless America. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Previously I’ve said that light is just a pulse in the electric force and that the electric force emanates from charges to create force fields. One thing I didn’t mention, though, was that these forces aren’t felt instantaneously. If you take some charges and move them, a charge that is far away from them will behave as if they haven’t moved until the force field emanating from the charges reaches it. As light is such a jolt in the force field, it shouldn’t surprise you that the speed at which these forces propagate is the speed of light. To illustrate: Electrons in some light sources are being jolted back and forth a lot. The chemical structure of this paper is such that its electrons jolt in similar fashion to that source’s when the force reaches it. On the other hand, the ink’s electrons don’t. So only the paper reemits the force. Some of the reemitted force from the paper enters your eyes where it jolts more electrons, which trigger chemical reactions when jolted at visible frequencies. These chemical reactions are what get reported, via your nervous system, to your brain, allowing you to see. Similar to how most of us only hear sounds of frequency between 20Hz and 20,000Hz (Hz meaning “waves per second” in this case), we are also only able to see a certain range of frequencies in electrical jolts, from approximately 4.3X1014Hz to 7.5X1014Hz. That’s less than an octave, compared to the almost 10 audible octaves, but just because we can’t see certain frequencies doesn’t mean we can’t use them. If we were to run a strong electrical signal through a wire, then the moving charges in it would radiate a force field that could be felt elsewhere by another wire. Given the right physical properties, the second wire’s electrons would start moving in the same way as those in the first wire, successfully transferring the electrical signal from one wire to another. If we call the first wire a transmitter antenna, call the second wire a receiver antenna, and add an amplifier and speakers then we have a basic setup for radio. This isn’t quite what goes on, as we can tell from broadcast radio. If everyone just used the radio frequencies we can hear then there would only be one radio station, i.e. the one that broadcasts the frequencies we can hear, and it would just be everyone shouting over each other. Instead, audio signals are encoded to occupy certain ranges of radio frequencies, and by “tuning” a radio to each range you are really just setting it to properly decode the signals in that range. Focusing on FM, the details of encoding and decoding are uninteresting and involve calculus, but it is interesting to know that FM only uses audio frequencies between 30Hz and 15,000Hz, which explains why it has relatively low sound quality when playing sharp sounds like applause. In the U.S. each station is allotted a 200,000Hz range over which it alone may broadcast. This is broken up into 15,000Hz for monaural sound, 8,000Hz for the tuning signal, 15,000Hz for the left-right difference channel, which your radio may use in optimal reception conditions to produce stereo sound, and the remaining 162,000Hz goes largely unused. It is this remaining frequency range in which HD radio stations are starting to pop up. So, in the end, our eyes, ears, and radios all serve the same simple function, which is to pick up information from the waves in forces.
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WE’RE STARTING UP THE BANDWAGON AND WE’VE JUST GOT ONE QUESTION: WHO’S COMING WITH US? The Men’s basketball
home opener for the 2006-07 season is on Friday at 7:30. The Union will be there to make a ruckus and support our school. Bandwagoners are most definitely welcome, so hop on.
I watch other universities on ESPN
with a packed student section and school spirit to spare. Sometimes it seems easier to complain about how we at Long
Beach State miss out on some college traditions, but we’re sick of complaining. I want to heckle. I want to jump up and down. I want to say proudly that “yeah I go to Long Beach, and yeah we have a great student section.” Last Thursday, the Press Telegram’s Bob Keisser wrote an article entitled “Deserted Pyramid.” Accompanying the front-page article is a picture of
empty stands during a 2005 basketball game in the ‘Myd.
Keisser explains that the attendance at Long Beach home games
Illustration By Andrew Wilson
HOW TO: ATTEND A COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME
#1 ATTIRE
BLACK CLOTHES
SUNGLASSES
ACCESSORIES
Shirts and pants? Why not! It’s easy, and with everyone in black the student section will look that much better.
AKA Stunna Shades. We’re the Beach for goodness’ sake, and any excuse to wear a sick pair of shades is a good idea.
Hat, scarfs, face paint, sweat bands, anything black, really. I guess this would include signs as well. The wittier the better.
#2
NO SITTING
06-07 LOCAL SCHEDULE 11-17
CS BAKERSFIELD
7:30
11-24
@ USC
7:30
11-28
@UCLA
7:30
12-07
PEPPERDINE
7:00
12-09
SACRAMENTO ST.
7:00
12-22
@ LMU
7:00
12-28
@ UC Davis
7:00
12-30
MANHATTAN
7:00
1-04
UCSB*
7:00
1-06
CAL POLY*
7:00
1-13
@ CS Northridge*
7:00
1-18
CAL STATE FULLERTON*
7:00
1-20
UC RIVERSIDE*
7:00
1-25
@ UC Irvine*
7:00
2-01
CS NORTHRIDGE*
7:00
2-03
PACIFIC*
4:30
2-08
@ Cal Poly*
7:00
DO NOT SIT. You are of college age with young, spry legs. 2-10 We stand for the whole game along with our fellow students on the floor. Don’t sit: don’t be that guy. 2-14
@ UCSB*
7:00
@ Cal State Fullerton*
7:00
2-17
ESPN BRACKET BUSTER
7:00
2-24
UC DAVIS
4:00
2-26
@ Pacific*
9:00
3-01
UC IRVINE*
7:00
3-03
@ UC Riverside*
5:00
3-07
Big West Tournament
TBA
#3 PRE-GAME
For the home opener, 80’s cover band Knight Rider will be playing before the Men’s game. If this were a regular week, I would implore those of you who are legal age to tie one on at the Nugget before the game. There’s nothing finer than a “slightly buzzed” ‘Niner.
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*Big West Conference game HOME GAMES IN BOLD
has slowly declined over the past 12 years. He quotes Athletic Director Vic Ceglas: “This is a key year for us in generating excitement and getting people back to the Pyramid, because it’s what we need to do most. [President Alexander] wants kids to have the full college experience and that development isn’t necessarily all in the classroom. The school had a commuter image at one time, but the reality is that most students live within 20 minutes of campus, and we want to grow on that in every area.” He makes a great point, but I take this article as a challenge to the student body and you should too. We live in a world-renowned city and are attending the fourth largest state school in the nation. There is no reason we shouldn’t be tying one on at the Nugget and repping LB for the entire world to see. So, here is a challenge to you, average college student: Do you want a sense of community? Do you want to put that one black Long Beach shirt on and join your fellow students in the ‘Myd for an old-fashioned good time? I do. The Union does, and when we see you on campus tell us you do too.
TO THE ‘MYD!!!
-JJ Fiddler Union Sports Editor
Freshmen Expectations By Vincent Girimonte Frosh Union Staffer I’ll be completely honest; I had little expectation of living the NCAA game day experience here at CSULB. It’s not why I chose to come here, long ago deciding that I could have fun at a school that isn’t dubbed a “Joe College.” But man, in the midst of a great college football season, and with basketball starting up once again; I want me some pom-poms and Dickey V. Flip on the television early Saturday morning and you’ll see thousands of students screaming their heads off while guzzling down that morning lager. Coeds crowd surfing in the student section. Lee Corso making terrible predictions. Face painting. Chest Painting. Perhaps what we lack the most is that game day buzz, where students actually talk about the game with a confidence that everybody is as stoked as they are. Sure, college football in Long Beach is pretty much limited to being jealous of those snot-nosed Trojans up North, but we do have an opportunity to support a basketball squad that is full of talent and athleticism. We have the Walter Pyramid, which can hold over 5,000 students, we think. We have shooting guard Aaron Nixon. We even have one game scheduled to air on ESPN. Indeed, we have lots to be excited about this basketball season, so maybe I’ll cut the cynicism for just little while. But I’m not the super fan, I’m just a guy who loves sports and is dying to support his college team next to a seat that is not empty. If we can’t have all the pomp and circumstance of a big time basketball program, then maybe we can at least pretend. I’m not asking you to paint your chest, but all the better if you choose to do so. So if you’re fed up with watching other universities enjoy the hoopla of college hoops, then join me in heckling the shit of CSU Bakersfield this Friday.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
13 November 2006
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NT
IN
UE
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HOW TO: ATTEND A COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME
#4 THA LB!
USC has the V. Texas has the horns. Long Beach doesn’t really have anything, but this “LB” sign is what you hold in the air during the Alma Mater after the game. “Looks like a d” you say? Well, look in the mirror smart ass. Other influence: Bobby Maxon.
#5 FIGHT SONG
There are words to the song, but we’re not sure anyone knows them. So instead, clap to the beat. It’s easy and the song is actually pretty catchy.
#6 HECKLING
The beauty of the student section is the mob mentality. You are safe in there and we stand as one. That, and you can pretty much yell whatever you want. But let’s avoid racial and sexual slurs for taste’s sake. And “you suck” is just stupid. Again, the wittier the better.
#7 THREES
When Long Beach takes a three-point shot, we all put our “3’s” in the air and say “Threeeeeee!” All colleges do it, and we should too. This is reliant on whether you can count to three or not.
Hands up when Long Beach takes a foul shot, and down with (insert your own noise here) after a make. A miss is followed by nothing, but hopefully that doesn’t happen much. If you are confused, watch the band because they have it down pat.
13 November 2006
#8 FOUL SHOTS
Beach Update: Part One of a Two-Part Interview with CSULB Star Guard Aaron Nixon; Lady ‘Niners fall to USC Ryan ZumMallen BeachBall Guru Aaron Nixon is noticeably slimmer this year, a combination of his dedication to improving his stamina, and having his jaw wired shut after breaking it in a pickup game. “That came from not being able to eat,” he says. “I still ran while my mouth was wired shut. I tried to benefit from it a little bit. Everything happens for a reason.” After a solid season and a breakout Big West tournament last year, all eyes will be on Nixon in 2006-07. No more flying under the radar. He lost that luxury after nailing a fallaway three-pointer to beat the buzzer against UC Irvine, sending the 49ers to the Big West Championship Game. “That was crazy,” he says. At this point in Nixon’s career, that infamous shot ranks as his number one highlight. “It had to be number one. You make a lot of shots, but you dream of being on ESPN. Then, when I made it on ESPN and it was #1, it was a good feeling.” Nixon lit up the three games CSULB played in the conference tournament, averaging 25.3 points per contest and positioning himself squarely in the spotlight this year. With the 49ers losing their two top scorers to graduation, the focus will be on the scoring machine. Nixon is ready for the challenge. “Gamewise, I think I’ve got a lot to prove. I guess you should always play with a chip on your shoulder.” The man who won’t keep quiet on the court speaks softly, like the upcoming season is going to be a matter of life and death. “I go out every day like it’s the last day I got to hoop.” A lot rests on Nixon’s shoulders this season. He’ll have to prove that he can carry this team to reach it’s championship aspirations. “We can’t lay off for one game. One game could kill our dreams of making it to the [NCAA] tournament. We gotta take every game seriously.” He’ll have to prove the team is worthy of its #1 preseason Big West Conference ranking. “Now the target is on our back,” Nixon says. “Our coach always stresses to us that we have four starters coming back and 8 seniors, so [our ranking] could just be based off of that. We’ve got to go and prove ourselves.” He’s not getting overly excited about the ranking, though. “I think that’s how people get caught up in the hype and lose.” He’ll have to prove that last season’s CSULB squad that led the nation in scoring was no fluke. “We plan on being #1 in the nation again. That’s one of our team goals, scoring. We got enough people to do it.” It is that scoring ability that makes this team the most legitimate threat this campus has seen in years. With highprofile early season games at USC and UCLA, Nixon and the 49ers enter a season that could reap unprecedented benefits for the program. “Every game is a must win. If we beat USC and lose to San Jose State, that game meant nothing,” he says. “People will say, ‘They just had a good day. Now they’re back to normal Long Beach.’ We gotta win every game. At least try to.” While CSULB is no secret in the Big West Conference, they’ll definitely have a chance to surprise some teams on a national scale. For one, 5th ranked UCLA on November 28. “UCLA is just another game, they can lose on any given day just like we can. I don’t see Michael Jordan on their team right now.” Nixon may not be too psyched about any one game in particular, but you won’t find anyone more ready for the season’s opening tipoff. “Tuesday can’t come soon enough,” he says.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Photo By Art Montoya
Women’s Basketball
The 49ers traveled to play a USC team ranked #22 in the nation on their home floor. A task daunting enough, but the game also marked the opening night for USC’s brand new arena, the Galen Center. On top of that, USC selected this night to retire the jerseys of two of the greatest females ever to play the game, Lisa Leslie and Cheryl Miller. USC rode the momentum created by all of the night’s excitement, and trounced CSULB en route to an 85-50 win on Saturday night. CSULB is an extremely young team with few returners and a team chemistry that is early in its development, all made painfully obvious against the more experienced Trojans. The 49ers hung tough in the first half, and even took a 14-12 lead behind Tyresha Calhoun’s penetration and Karina Figueroa’s shooting. CSULB looked confused at times, though, a sure sign that the team is still trying to find its identity. The defense stayed solid but the offense sputtered; too many turnovers and stupid fouls allowed USC to take a 37-30 lead into the half. From that point on it was all USC, who started the half on a 26-6 run from which the 49ers would not recover. Sloppy passing and overall disorganization plagued CSULB, and the Trojans, inspired by the halftime ceremonies, capitalized. To be sure, the early season will be a learning experience for the young team. In their first official game playing together, there were impressive stretches and downright awful stretches. Calhoun played stingy pressure defense on USC’s point guards and was able to create on offense, finishing with a team-high 14 points. Calhoun was the lone bright spot for the 49ers, however. Figueroa tried too often to score on her own and was unable to find her shot. Freshman sharpshooter Lauren Sims was only 2-12 from the field. The USC game was a telling sign that the team has spent very little time together, and has many things to improve upon. A 7/19 assists-to-turnover ratio, for one. The 49ers have a lot of young, raw talent, but must continue to develop an effective system to utilize it.
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in Iraq that much. Because after all, the final decision is made by Bush; and we all know how he feels about the war,” said Katie Bloove, 18. Still, some students remain hopeful that any
Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, was asked to “resign” by Bush, only weeks after telling the country that Mr. Rumsfeld would finish his term. This news spread like wildfire on Wednesday morning, and left many students on campus wondering what it would mean to have a breath of fresh air in charge of our military. Skepticism was prevalent in many students upon hearing the news, “I don’t think it will change the path
-Maria Garcia CSULB Student on Nancy Pelosi change, is good change. “The strategy should shift to a more pro-pullout thinking now that Rumsfeld is out,” said Bodaman. The problem still remains though; what is the answer to the ongoing war in Iraq, and what is the correct way to deal with it? No student chose to offer up answers to this very difficult question, but then again, neither has anyone in Congress up to this point. But the key is that this election at least opened up bipartisan talks, something our country has lacked for some time. Hope is on the horizon, and with Nancy Pelosi taking over as Speaker of the House; Bush may have no other option but to open up, and finally allow himself to veer slightly off his course. “With Nancy Pelosi as the Speaker of the House, I think it will help a lot. I really believe that genuine new changes will occur,” said Kristine D, 19, Health Sciences. Students seem to be encouraged by her very aggressive attitude and way of thinking, and think that it may be the only way to get people to actually listen, “No one has accomplished anything by not being vocal or active in their quest. Hopefully she will change things for the better,” said Garcia. As of Saturday, bipartisan talks have already begun in Congress, and both sides of the aisle seem to be in favor of at least putting a firm deadline on Iraq to meet a long list of political goals; this truely is progress, and should be welcomed by many CSULB students. Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be contacted at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
ASI Gets Big Thanks From President Alexander By Vincent Girimonte Union Staffer President F. King Alexander stopped by the ASI Senate meeting this past Wednesday to deliver a message of thanks for all of their hard work in getting students to vote for Prop 1D. The bond will give $90 million to CSULB, as part of the $10 billion in total granted to the California public school system. “Thank you for all your help on 1D,” said a smiling Alexander, who even lost sleep over the pending measure, as it was too close to call well into Wednesday morning. After Alexander left the podium, he was
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quickly replaced by the school’s other president, Shefali Mistry. President Mistry, however, was probably less inclined to thank the senate after the meeting. Almost unanimously, the senate approved to reconsider the Executive Commission, focusing on whether commissioners should remain presidential appointees or become elected officers. President Mistry has placed great importance on having a close working relationship with her staff, as they are often present at events that she herself cannot attend. In many cases, her commissioners are the only students present at meetings, and asked the senate to, “not
Saddam to Hang for Crimes Against Humanity
No one has accomplished anything by not being vocal or active in their quest. Hopefully she will change things for the better.
Illustration By Jimmy Dinh
y Thursday morning all of the ballots had been cast and counted; and once everyone was sure that Dem. Jim Webb indeed narrowly defeated Rep. George Allen for the position of Virginia Senator, it was final. The largest White House makeover in twelve years had come to fruition just as predicted, and students quickly began to imagine what it really meant to have both branches of Congress controlled by Democrats for the first time since 1994. “I see the situation in Iraq changing drastically,” said Brittanie Murch, 18, Journalism major. “I have a feeling that public disapproval of Bush’s handling of that situation is what gave the Democrats the power in this election.” While some students think that a Democratically run House and Senate will dramatically alter the vision and path of the war in Iraq, others felt differently. “I don’t think anything will change,” said Maria Garcia, 18, Art major. “The damage has already been done, we can’t pull out now.” Voters ensured that their voices were heard on Tuesday, coming out in record numbers in what seemed like a unanimous outcry concerning everything from the war in Iraq to Congressional corruption. “I voted because if I didn’t, I would have felt like I have no right to complain about political issues,” said Marcus Bodaman, 20, Journalism major. The feeling of accountability for those who chose to vote was widespread across campus during the week after the election. Students were quick to point fingers at those who chose not to vote, but still chose to voice their opinions after all was said and done. “I had to vote,” said Murch. “This way, I can bitch about the results with some validity.” It may have been easy for some to vote right here on campus, but some people went to great extents to cast their ballot. “Every year I forget
to register up here,” said Andrea Pritchard, 22. “So I drive down to San Diego just to vote.” Even though the large picture was inevitably going to change in Congress, it was clear that some students were more concerned about certain propositions than who would ultimately control the House or Senate. “No on 85. This proposition would have made it illegal for girls under the age of 18 to get an abortion without their parent’s consent. I would have voted just so this prop wouldn’t have passed,” said Garcia. “And I’m glad to say it didn’t.” While the power in Congress was eventually handed over to the Democrats officially on Thursday, Wednesday actually may have been more important in regards to immediate change.
Illustration Editor
underestimate the student voice on committees.” The ASI president seemed to be on the defensive throughout her conversations with the Senate, whether it was simple questions about her plans for the year, or the necessity of appointing her own commissioners. “It is my job to delegate certain duties,” Mistry said, and made it clear that she did not support the proposed amendment. The Senate stressed student participation as a reason for commissioners to be elected into office. With the broad goal of getting the campus more involved in the ASI, the amendment is intent on “giving students more opportunity” to hold responsibility.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Illustration By Andrew Wilson
By Ryan Kobane
By Philip Vargas
Frat Boys Blame Borat Two frat boys recently filed a lawsuit against the spoof documentary Borat. In the film, the two men fileing suit were captured uttering racist and sexist comments, which they claim was a result of the sly hand of Fox. They argue that the production crew took them out to a bar where they reputably got them drunk in an attempt to loosen them up before they made their appearance on the documentary. After signing a release form under inebriation, they are now suing for an injunction against the company to stop the studio from exhibiting their image and likeness.
Pepsi Pleases Healthy Consumers Pepsi, the soft drink giant, has now created a new brand for the chain that bears no tell tale signs of their trademark, instead marketing towards their health-conscious consumers. In an attempt to rake in some of the $25 billion natural-foods category Pepsi’s new Fuelosophy is taking advantage of the trust of the consumer who expects to be paying more for a product that is supposed to be better for you. This new direction into Whole Foods will also allow PepsiCo to test new brands in an inexpensive form instead of spending millions on advertising and placement in traditional grocery stores.
13 November 2006
Monday13 Ciara: House of Blues Anaheim, $32.50, 7pm Wolf Eyes: The Echo, $10, 8pm Indigo Girls: The Wiltern, $30-$40, 8pm Clipse: House of Blues Sunset Strip, $20, 8pm Goldenboy: The Viper Room, 8pm Sparta: The Avalon, $15, 8pm Explosions in the Sky: Glass House, $12, 7:30pm The Prisoners Dillemma: Chain Reaction, $10, 7:30pm
Good News For People Who Love Bad Music
Modest Mouse Flails At The Grove
Tuesday14 The Fray: The Wiltern, $27.50, 8pm (two nights) Boom Boom Kid: The Smell, $5, 8pm Dr. Octagon: Safari Sam’s, $20, 9pm Explosions In The Sky: El Rey Theatre, $14, 9pm Paul Stanley: House of Blues Sunset Strip, $35, 8pm
Wednesday15 Lady Sovereign: El Rey Theatre, $15, 8pm The Naked Eyes: Cerritos Center, $22-$40, 8pm That 1 Guy: Knitting Factory, $10, 7:30pm Everybody Else: The Troubadour, $10, 8pm Suicide Girls Burlesque Tour: The Key Club, $15.00, 8pm Cary Brothers: House of Blues (Anaheim), $14.00, 7pm
Thursday16 John Legend: The Wiltern, $35.00, 8pm Andre Legacy: Chain Reaction, $10, 7:30pm Murder By Death: El Rey Theatre, $12, 6:30pm Ariel Pink: Echo, $7, 8pm James Blunt: House of Blues Sunset Strip, $40, 9pm Cut Chemist: The Viper Room, $10, 8pm Ben Lee: The Avalon, $17, 8pm Hello Stranger: The Troubadour, $10, 8pm
Friday17 The Mutaytor: Henry Fonda, $20, 9pm Madlib: El Rey Theatre, $20, 8pm Straylight Run: The Roxy Theatre, $15., 7pm Julieta Venegas: The Wiltern, $35, 8pm Frank Black: House of Blues Sunset Strip, $27.50-$30, 8pm The Slits: The Troubadour, $20, 8pm Sepultura: The Vault 350, $17, 7pm Brian Regan: The Grove of Anaheim, $39.50, 7:30pm
Saturday18 Jim Gaffigan: The Wiltern, $29.75, 8pm Straylight Run: Chain Reaction, $14, 7:30pm GWAR: Glass House, $21, 7pm Hot Chip: Henry Fonda, $18, 7:30pm The Rolling Stones w/Bonnie Raitt: Dodger Stadium, $79-$500, 7pm Sean Lennon: El Rey Theatre, $25, 9pm Split Lip Rayfield: The Troubadour, $15, 9pm Maxeen: Echo The Toasters: Knitting Factory, $15, 8pm Buck-O-Nine: Knitting Factory, $15, 8pm The Damned: House of Blues Sunset Strip, $25, 7:30pm Ozomatli: House of Blues Anaheim, $25, 8pm (Fri/Sat)
Sunday19 Randy Newman: Walt Disney Concert Hall, $28-$87, 7:30pm The Warriors: Whiskey A Go Go, $12, 7pm La Oreja De Van Gogh: Gibson Amphitheatre, $50-$70, 8:15pm Heavy Heavy Low Low: Showcase Theatre, $10, 7pm Frank Black: House of Blues Anaheim, $27.50, 7:30
13 November 2006
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here are a few things I don’t pass up in life: offshore head-high days in the summer, a fine single malt scotch, any movie with Nicolas Cage in it, and ten-dollar Modest Mouse tickets. So when I was notified that Isaac Brock and company would be playing a show at the Grove for ten bucks on Tuesday night; I immediately realigned my plans for the evening. I’ve seen the progression. I’ve seen Modest Mouse play from Washington to Long Beach. I’ve followed them to Coachella and back; and on numerous occasions I’ve waited outside the Wiltern, Glasshouse, and Avalon anxiously anticipating greatness. I’ve seen Isaac slur, stagger, and stutter during “Life Like Weeds” and “Cowboy Dan.” I’ve seen Modest Mouse transform from indie-rock icons, into radio and MTV-friendly pop stars. And through it all I’ve stuck with’ em. But what I saw on Tuesday night is still hard for me to put into words. If the word sucky was lit on fire by a flaming bag of dog shit, then dragged over a couple K-Fed live performances, you may just get the feeling of how bad this show actually was, but probably not. Not introducing themselves, and absolutely never giving song names isn’t uncommon for a Modest Mouse show, but seeing the band take the stage looking as if they just got back from a close friend’s funeral was a bit unnerving; I let it pass. They opened with a horribly slow, noticeably sober rendition of “Ocean Breathes Salty.” Off-beat, and out of tune, they lumbered through one of the most artistically pleasing tracks off of Good News For People Who Love Bad News; I let it pass. Playing sullenly throughout the entire song, Isaac, Judy, and Galucci never made eye contact during “Black Cadillac’s” or any song for that matter; I begrudgingly gave them another pass. They were two songs in, and they had already lost the crowd. That’s when they did the oddest thing; they played a song that fans actually wanted to hear, Paper Thin Walls. But just like the songs that proceeded, it was lackluster, leaving the crowd, and myself mystified and disappointed at the same time. I was done giving passes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing: I was in the middle of possibly the worst set I’ve ever seen, and it was being played by my all time favorite band; I almost started to well-up right there. By the time they got to their first new song off of the much anticipated and delayed, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, I was reeling. The song is probably called “Fire it Up”, I’m only thinking that because it was repeated somewhere around 600 times during the five minute song. By this time I was pissed. They begrudgingly played “Float On” with their eyes closed, they completely changed the sound of “The View,” and by the time Brock picked up his banjo to play “Bukowski” I no longer cared. They intermittently threw in some new
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Photos Courtesy Epic Records
songs during the first part of the set which sounded a little like this: Imagine if The Arcade Fire and Sufjan Stevens made a baby, then imagine it being really ugly, apathetic, and arrogant; slap Isaac Brock on as the lead singer, and there you have it, just a bunch of noises thrown together and passed off as a song. It’s really too bad that the highlight of the show came eleven songs into the debacle; for one song they had it, they had the crowd jumping and yelling every lyric to “Tiny City Made of Ashes.” It’s what everyone who paid thirty dollars for a ticket wanted to see. Guitars were flying over shoulders, drummers were standing up, and cigarettes were being inhaled at a feverish pace. Truthfully all I wanted was to see them all get shitty drunk and wail on their chosen instrument. I mean come on, with a bugle, glockenspiel, accordion, and banjo something fucking rad has to come out at some point. But it never really did. They made the crowd wait way too long for the encore, and at one point I almost thought they were going to put the cherry on top of their rancid sundae by not coming back out. But after they played two more new songs that not one, single, real fan wanted to hear, they played “Dramamine” to end it all. It was kind of like getting a lap dance for free at the end of the night by the fat, middle-age, crack-head stripper that’s just there because she doesn’t have a house to go home to; they tried to finish strong, but in the end it just left you even more mad that you’ve spent the last few dollars in your pocket to see something that was way better five years ago. So here’s some advice if you’ve never seen Modest Mouse live; don’t bother anymore. You are much better served putting in their first four CDs, pushing random, and hearing what once was the greatest indie-rock band of their generation.
-By Ryan Kobane
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music
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hey were far more than the original glam rockers: the brash attitude of the five notorious drug-using New York Dolls essentially jump-started the punk rock era, giving the go-ahead for super-groups that would later take credit for the Dolls’ accomplishments. Last Tuesday the two remaining original members—singer David Johansen and guitarist Sylvain Sylvain—began a tour in support of their first studio recording in
sions. In the first show they seemed tired, the next they seemed like they’d gotten the ball rolling and were 100% better, this third show was magic. From the opening song through the encore the Dolls were running on all cylinders, slowing only momentarily for a respectful rendition of “You Can’t Put Your Arm Around A Memory,” written by the late great Johnny Thunders (the other original Dolls guitarist), played in tribute to him and all the dearly departed. Proven crowd pleasers “Trash” and “Jet Boy” were reworked and cranked out at two or three times the speed of the original. The crowd could scarcely keep up.
It was a show an Alzheimer’s patient would remember.
Photos and Words By Patrick Dooley ho are the New York Dolls? If you’re in college, sadly, odds are you haven’t heard of them. But all the music you’re jamming to, all the radio-rage, the punkers, the catch-all bands who were spawned from punkers, those who swear their bulletproof vest is cutting-edge (yes, I’m bad-mouthing My Chemical Romance), but fall well short of impressing old music aficionados (snobs, like me, who were spoiled with the best, the originals, then expected to respect twice-removed replicas)—they wouldn’t be there if David Johansen and the New York Dolls hadn’t set the stage in the early 70s.
It was a show an Alzheimer’s patient would remember. Perhaps the most unsung accomplishment was their success in seamlessly blending tracks from their new album with their classics. Imagine the stones it must have taken to put out a new record, well into your fifties, and risking tarnishing your legendary name after thirty years of the rock industry thinking you could do no wrong in your short twoalbum lifespan. Johansen even impressed himself. A few times during the set he bragged, “Is this a great band, or what?” What an understatement. And what a pity that only a few hundred old fans and the girlfriends of the supporting acts showed up to witness the Dolls put on a rock-nroll clinic. The Hollywood Reporter aptly pointed out that just a mile away Areosmith had sold out the Hollywood Bowl. I could just imagine Steven Tyler up on stage wrapped in all those scarves and desperately pretending he didn’t pull all his best stuff from The New York Dolls. Morrissey said it best: “Mick Jagger stole everything from David Johansen.”
Between Two Worlds
Ys
I
Joanna Newsom
Reviewed By Eric Bryan
Reviewed By Jenny Long
Nuclear Blast Records
It's rare that an established musician, let alone one in the fickle and often pretentious black metal crowd, can leave a legendary outfit and start a project that actually rivals its predecessor. However, Abbath Doom Occulta (of Immortal fame) has done just that. Between Two Worlds is the exact intersection of the evil and grim elements of black metal and the sort of overall badass quality of bands like Motorhead. Stepping a bit back from his aforementioned former outfits' talent for pure atmosphere and leaping forward into pure catchiness, I are a beast that, though they aren’t necessarily reinventing the wheel, are certainly polishing it.
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nearly thirty years, One Day It Will Please Us To Remember Even This, headlining the Underground Garage a Go-Go tour kicked-off at the Avalon in Hollywood. I wouldn’t feel right writing this without at least a brief mention of one of the remarkable opening acts. Given that I’m partial to a particular brand of east coast rock, I thought the Chesterfield Kings had bested the other openers. The blatancy of the Dolls’ influence was inescapable, if not completely over-the-top. Singer Greg Prevost wrapped himself in familiar women’s clothing, sang with a throaty New Yorker’s rasp, and even borrowed some stage moves from the Johansen—and was not a hair shy of impressive in his execution. The point is: if you mimic the Dolls (as so many have) and come within a stone’s throw of actually resembling them, you’re going to be phenomenal. Which accounts for why so many bands have cashed in on their influence. The Dolls themselves were on top of their game. Since reuniting for Morrissey’s Meltdown Festival a couple years ago I was able to catch them on two previous occa-
Drag City
However, while Abbath is certainly a big name in the black metal scene and the other band members, coming from Enslaved and Sahg, aren't exactly unknown, Between Two Worlds doesn't feel like a side project. Tracks like "The Storm I Ride" and "Cursed We Are" burn and rampage like a viking with hemorrhoids, something most side projects can't claim, and even at the album's low points there is always something interesting going on. If you're not a fan of black metal, this may not be for you. But if you're looking for some quality metal with integrity and hooks to spare, head towards Tower Records and pick this up for somewhere around a dollar.
With her second full-length release Joanna Newsom defies the confines of the contemporary song length as she unveils her latest stretch of an album, Ys (pronounced eees). Featuring five lengthy tracks of whimsical nonsense, Ys offers a dialogue between the imagery and distorted storyline of each song, beneath the intricate harp patterns and string section. Newsom's gorgeous harp compositions were enough to win me over when I heard her first album Milk-Eyed Mender, but this latest effort allows her precision as a songwriter to
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
spearhead the art. Her voice is not for easily offended ears, although I can understand why the majority of the public might overlook Newsom based on its quirkiness. Nevertheless she has cultivated a devoted fan base which shows her talents are less than overlooked. To the general populous, fifteen minute narrative poetry with no possible "radio ready" single in sight, may be a possible turnoff, however the ambition of her artistry will transcend the way we see Newsom and the architecture of an album.
13 November 2006
music
Wolfmother: The Down-Under Thunder Wonders
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don’t know why, but it seems to me that a lot of the best music comes from other countries. Not to say that Americans aren’t great at making music…it just seems that foreigners are significantly better at it. Enter Wolfmother, the newest shining example of foreigners dominating the collective ass of the USA, kicking out jams sweeter than any we’ve been able to muster in quite some time. Formed in Sydney, Australia about six years ago, Wolfmother were just three young gentleman that love themselves some classic rock and wanted to rock out. Jamming ensued, each member wanting to rock out with their respective instruments, and eventually, in 2003, it was decided that a proper live show was in order. Of course, original songs were necessary for said live show, so a few were written, and by about the fifth live show, the band had caught the attention of Steve Pavlovic, founder of Aussie label Modular Records. A very friendly relationship between the label and the band ensued, beginning their imminent rise to stardom. It’s been an intense couple of years for Wolfmother. After their debut EP hit stores in September of 2004, the band began playing several high-profile festival shows around Australia, including the immensely popular Big Day Out festival, put on by influential Aussie radio station Triple J. In 2005, Wolfmother got to-
gether with producer Dave Sardy (who has also worked with bands like Oasis, Jet, The Dandy Warhols, and Slayer) to record their debut full-length LP. The album dropped in Australia in October of 2005 (not until February of 2006 in the States), and was met with instantaneous approval. Catapulted to superstardom, Wolfmother embarked on a two-year binge of live shows and public appearances in countries all around the world. In a time when bands seem to be trying harder and harder to make the most original music since the Beatles, it’s a rare thing to find a band as purposefully and happily unoriginal as Wolfmother. These blokes have settled comfortably into a niche of classic rock/heavy metal flavor, and really couldn’t seem to give less of a shit. With their influences ranging from Black Sabbath and Slayer to De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest, Wolfmother have set out to make music that just plain kicks ass. Mission accomplished. As bassist Chris Ross told me, the band’s premise is “don’t fucking worry about stuff.” It’s obvious that these songs are born from jam sessions and a love for making music; the music is spontaneous, unapologetic, and above all, fun. Contrary to the derision laid upon them by music snobs and naysayers, there was no conscious effort on the band’s part to emulate
The Union Weekly’s Sean Boulger chats with Chris Ross of Wolfmother
think it sounds like classic rock. Which is really wicked.
any of the classic rock acts to whom they are so readily compared. The band’s focus, rather than copycatting Led Zeppelin, is simply “lots of distortion, big chords, [and] sweet riffs.” Sure, Wolfmother may not be the most original band in recent memory, and the concept behind their music might not be that groundbreaking. But originality doesn’t mean quality. There’s an almost paradoxical amount of originality in how much Wolfmother’s music is a throwback to days when bands relied on huge chords and mythological (almost to a silly, tongue-in-cheek degree) songwriting to make great tunes. Wolfmother unleash upon their listeners a refreshingly unadulter-
ated brand of heavy rock ‘n roll that assaults the ears and doesn’t let up until the stop button is pushed. Andrew Stockdales blistering wail combines with Chris Ross’ thundering bass lines, razorblade keyboard riffs, and Myles Heskett’s machine gun drums to form a hurricane of rock that will make you want to crawl into the fetal position. And they don’t give a crap if it sounds like Led Zeppelin. In the words of bassist Chris Ross: “At least they’re not saying we sound like Huey Lewis.” Wolfmother’s self-titled LP is in stores now; the band plays the Palladium in Los Angeles on December 12th.
-By Sean Boulger
“
UW: In the last couple years, you guys have UW: What’s your favorite band to play with played quite a few festival shows. Do you like live? doing the big festival shows better, or do you WM: Ah, we’ve played with heaps of cool bands. I love the Presets, they’re great. I think like the smaller club shows? WM: I like ‘em both. You know, when you’re they’re touring with the Rapture at the moplaying your own show, you’ve got as much ment in the States. We just came over with time as you want, and you know everyone’s the Mess Hall as well. [They’re] a two piece, there to see you, and you can kind of take them kind of blues group. Excellent. And Two Galon your own trip. When you’re doing a festi- lants, from San Fransisco—they’re really cool, val, you know, you’ve only got a small window I love those guys. A band called Wolf and Cub to utilize as much as possible. Also, you get to from Adelaide, they’re doing some amazing hang out with stuff. I think all the other their album is bands and stuff, out there soon, I think this mash up of and too. gotta stuff ended in this place where you’ve check it out. It’s UW: Obviously, people think it sounds like classic rock. very Black Rebyou guys are el Motorcycle, Which is . drawing inevitaPrimal Scream ble comparisons kind of thing. to bands from Really cool. the 1970s, like Zeppelin and Rush. How do you They’ve got two drummers. It’s awesome. guys feel about what people are saying? WM: Uh…you know, I just kind of think, UW: How did the recording process go? Were “whatever.” you pleased with what came out, and how do you feel about the record? UW: Doesn’t really bother you? WM: I love it. It was probably the hardest I’ve WM: Nah. When we first heard it, we were ever worked in my life, besides touring. We like “Wow, are you serious?” Like, that was the started out not thinking about what we were highest compliment. Those bands are monu- doing and just going with the vibe, and [Dave] mental, you know? Having people compare us Sardy, [our producer], really made us think to them is far out, you know? It’s awesome. At about what we were doing. He was aligned least they’re not saying we’re like Huey Lewis with what we wanted to do, and we managed or something. to treat him like a fourth member of the band. It was really good. UW: So where do your musical influences come I think a lot of people wanted to make us from? sound retro, which is not really what we wantWM: Well, we came from this kind of stoner kind of direction. Kind of a Kyuss, Fu Man- ed to do at all. Sardy would say, “let’s use this chu, Queens of the Stone Age direction, com- ‘70s organ, but then let’s use this crappy ‘90s plimented with like a real groove, a James distortion pedal, because it’s really working Brown, Motown vibe. We were really on this for you…and we’ll do all the drums on tape stoner thing, but we wanted a real groove as but then edit them in Pro Tools and stuff.” He’s well, because I like a lot of dance stuff. I’m kind of the same as us—wanting to take the into Daft Punk and a lot of deep house kind best elements of anything to get exactly what of stuff, so I’ve always wanted something I you want and not being a stickler. I really liked what he did with Dandy Warcan dance to, but I always liked heavy music hols, as well. We kind of wanted that really big, as well. I think this mash up of stoner and groove stuff ended in this place where people American, metal, hip hop kind of sound.
“ groove
stoner
really wicked
13 November 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Reel News Happy Feet
PG Warner Bros. Pictures Nothing will melt your heart faster than an animated family film about an outcast penguin that seeks the one thing that he needs to find his mate. Hmmm, you smell that, I smell a lawsuit coming on. Wait a minute! This flick looks suspiciously like a rehashed, reanimated, rip-off of the 1995 Disney movie Pebble and the Penguin. Oh well, anyone who is going to go see this movie isn’t going to be old enough to remember anything more than their ABZs.
Death of a Taxman
Will Ferrell and Dustin Hoffman star in the tragi-comedy Stranger Than Fiction
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his is a review about a man named Harold Crick, a man who finds himself in a situation stranger than fiction. In this film, a mundane man who has lived a life hardly worth living, finds his world turned upside down when he begins to hear a mysterious voice narrating his life. And so, as the omnipotent voice of a narrator begins to read this review aloud in your head, let’s explore the wonderful film that is Stranger Than Fiction. The story begins like any other, with a simple man who lives an otherwise simple life, narrated by a voice that only the audience is aware of, at first. Harold Crick (Will Ferrell) is an IRS agent who lives a life ruled by numbers, compelled to count off the tedium of his life ranging from the number of brush strokes it took to brush his teeth to the exact number of steps briskly taken every day to catch the same bus at exactly the right time. His is a life of content monotony and clockwork precision, until one day he begins to hear the narration of a life that he was never meant to hear. As he helplessly teeters on the brink of insanity, he is pushed over the edge and into action when he hears the voice utter, “little did he know that these events would result in his eminent death.” Motivated by the thought of his demise at the hands of this mysterious narrator, he seeks the aid of a Literature professor, Jules Hilbert (Dustin Hoffman), who aids him in his discovery of the author and his attempt to interrupt the plot that appears to be unfolding be-
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fore him. Crick’s determination to avoid the clutches of death leads him on a path of self-discovery and fulfillment that he never would have attained had it not been for the intervention of an unknowing author. The author driving Harold Crick mad throughout the film is Karen Eiffel (Emma Thompson), who has been working on Harold’s story, Death and Taxes, for ten years but is now hung up on one final stroke to complete her masterpiece: how to kill Harold Crick? As the tale unfolds she finds herself searching for the perfect way to end the life of a man whose very existence she unwittingly holds in the palm of her hand. By the end of the film, she faces the man whom she thought was only a figment of her imagination and is torn by a choice. Can she knowingly send a man to his doom in order to attain perfection? What I loved most about this film was that it left you asking yourself, “What if you were in that situation?” Would you be able to throw caution to wind and attain that one object of your desire that you have always yearned for but never had the guts to grasp? Maybe you would find yourself unable to do anything because fate was no longer was in your hands. Knowing when and where death would take your hand, would you run or would you face your poetic death that would instill within it more meaning than any other end. If your life were a work of fiction, would you want to know?
Let’s Go To Prison R Universal Pictures
Get yourself all dolled up and purty, cause we’re going to prison. Arrested Development’s Will Arnett and Idiocracy’s Dax Shepard, from several aborted forms of media, come together to bring the public a truly original comedy where two guys go to prison and try to survive the prison riots, shankings, and tasty man-on-man sodomy.
Casino Royale
Photo Courtesy Sony Pictures
This film is the perfect movie for anyone who loves greatness. A perfect mix of comedy and tragedy, you’ll find yourself laughing at Crick one minute and sympathizing with his plight the next. Stranger is not complicated to the point where it leaves you wondering what the hell is going on, but sophisticated enough to leave you with a sense of awe and wonder as you leave the theater with the idea of, “what if one person’s reality is simply another’s fiction?”
-By Philip Vargas
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
PG-13 Columbia Pictures Looks like Bond has decided to have himself another face transplant for this latest installment of the 007 movies, the series that wouldn’t die. In this latest mind-numbing action-packed adventure flick, the non-geriatric James Bond, just after gaining his Double-O status, must ravel to the Bahamas and battle a new diabolical villain in a game of Texas Hold ‘em. I wonder if Bond will be able to trump the competition and flush the bad guys in time to snatch the pot, the girl, and drop his ace all before they find another actor to replace him.
13 November 2006
pull up a stool
Previews • Reviews • Release Dates Caligula with carolynn romana
Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Peter O’Toole, Terry Ann Savoy, and Helen Mirren Director: Tinto Brass Year: 1979, 156 minutes Retail Price: $29.99
Itoy Sariling Atin and Goldilocks Restaurant & Bakery
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xisting somewhere between island food and general pan-Asian flavors, Filipino food is just plain tasty. For a safe-for-beginners venture into authentic Filipino food, Itoy Sariling Atin is welcoming, casual and, fittingly not unlike stepping into a Filipino family’s kitchen. And a two-item combo with rice and soup rings up for less than $5! It pains me, though, to have to warn even the common omnivore of how predominantly meat-based the dishes are. I often theorize on how Filipinos can thrive on pancit (a classic noodle dish) and adobo (popular simmered meat dish) alone. My recommendations include: bistek (a tender “beefsteak”), lechon, crispy-skinned pit-roasted pork and caldereta, beef simmered in tomato sauce and maybe a piece or two of bell pepper. Adobo, another stewed meat dish, is a real Filipino classic. One of those dishes with so few ingredients and yet, after an upwards of half a dozen tries, I still can’t seem to make it as yummy as my lola does. Some other traditional foods include lumpia, a smaller fried egg roll which is predominantly meat-filled (and addictive with sweet and sour sauce) and pancit, a vermicelli noodle plate. I hope when you go that there is sinigang in a pot simmering away. A real favorite, it’s a sour soup flavored using tamarind, a fruit so delicious it’s eaten in any and every way, but is really common in every continent but North America. If you want to get adventurous try some dinuguan. Don’t believe what they tell you, its thick chocolatey sauce is really pig’s blood and offal. Wash it all down with fresh mango or calamansi juice (a sour citrusy little fruit) because you just had yourself a true ethnic experience! Goldilocks is the touristy spot that people flock towards, and naturally that’s made the restaurant not
only overrated but pricey. Actually, I take it back, go to Goldilocks. But only for a dessert or pastry, of which Filipinos are really known for. Polvoron (crumbly unbaked biscuity num-num) and ensemadas (cheese-slathered sweet bread) are a good place to start. And do not discount your savory experience and leave without a halo-halo drink, which translates
loosely into “mix-mix.” Here’s a list of the seemingly infinite number of ingredients which could come in your layered mélange (in order from bottom to top): mung beans, garbanzo beans, jackfruit, sweet coconut, tapioca balls, flan or jello, evaporated milk, shaved ice, and ube ice cream (purple yam). Honestly, even if you don’t know half of these fruits, I’m pretty sure you’ll dig it. Itoy Sariling Atin 11232 Artesia Blvd., Artesia (562) 402-9632 Goldilocks Restaurant & Bakery 11489 South St. Cerritos (562) 860-7786
Probably the most controversial and graphic film made in the 1970’s starring mainstream actors and actresses. Caligula isn’t a film for people with weak stomachs. The film is a graphic depiction of ancient Rome under the reign of Caligula, Rome’s most degenerate and depraved emperor. What made the film controversial at the time, was not the roles performed and those associated, but the graphic nature showing actual penetration. The film was directed by a controversial Italian film-maker Tinto Brass teaming up with Bob Guccione (founder/publisher of Penthouse Magazine) and Franco Rosselini (another Italian film-maker) for production. If the names involved with the production are unfamiliar, it might help to know that the original script was written by famed American writer Gore Vidal, but was re-written by Tinto Brass and Malcolm McDowell. Originally, the film’s budget was $17.5 million, however it totaled $22 million, all financed by Penthouse. Upon the film’s release, it only grossed $21 million and became a home video cult classic. Under MPAA standards, the film should’ve been rated X for its deviant scenes, however two versions of the film were released, a 105 minute edited R-rated version and a 156 minute uncensored X-rated version. Although controversy associated with nature of the film was not enough. The film stars British actor Malcolm McDowell (well-known in Clockwork Orange) as Caligula and Peter O’Toole as Tiberius, grandfather of Caligula. In addition, the film also stars Terry Ann Savoy as Drusilla (Caligula’s sister) along with Helen Mirren as Caesonia (Caligula’s wife). Also included are Penthouse pets Anneka di Lorenzo and Lori Wagner. Resulting in the films controversy and criticism, many of the actors and actress in the film would later denounce it. The film received endless criticism by movie critiques and those associated with the film after the release. Roger Ebert described the film as “sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash” and included in his list of most hated films. Additionally, both Malcolm McDowell and Peter O’Toole would later express regret for participation in the film. Infuriated by Tinto Brass re-writing the original script, Gore Vidal criticized the film as “fictionalized political fable” on part of Brass and McDowell.
-By Giuliano DePieri
HORSE RACING
$1 HOT DOGS & DRINKS
★
NOVEMBER 10 – A Flock Of Seagulls with When In Rome NOVEMBER 17 – The English Beat
THE NIGHT TIME COMES ALIVE. FA N TA S T I C C O N C E RT S AT H O L LY W O O D PA R K POST TIMES: Wed., Thurs., Sat., Sun. — 12:30 p.m.; Friday Nights — 7:05 p.m. 1050 S. Prairie Avenue, Inglewood, CA • (310) 419-1549 • www.hollywoodpark.com
Concert begins immediately following the races. ★ $1 beer served from 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
13 10.30-LBUnion-HPBandAd.indd November 2006
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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10/24/06 6:40:41 PM
I.
By Stephen Dixon McSweeny’s 338 pages $18 Reviewed By Erin Hickey
This Week: Halloween! HALLOWEEN WAS SOOOOOOO GREAT! Like I don’t think you even realize how great of a time I had on halloween. I dressed up like Whinny-The-Pooh, but not just any old WhinnyThe-Pooh–SEXY WHINNY-THE-POOH. It was great, I drank out of a honey jar! and I kept saying stuff like ‘WHERE’S MY PICK-A-NICK BASKET” people were stoked... Well, at least I was stoked–and DRUNK! so drunk I forgot most of what happened, until last thursday when I was going through my trickertreating loot and I found a fucking BOOK! WHO THE HELL GIVES OUT BOOKS FOR HALLOWEEN? That’s like going to the doctor and getting pooped on, an unpleasant surprise, to say the least. Anyway, the book that I got wasn’t actually a book, it was more like a comic book but not interesting or funny. Mike called it a ‘tract’ and I was all like “tract? more like crapct!” it was pretty great. OH YEAH! The ‘tract’ – so it looked like a comic book and it was about this little girl suzy who didn’t like halloween (who the crapct doesn’t like halloween?) and didn’t want to dress up for halloween so instead she dressed like Santa. I don’t get it. But apparently her teacher ho is a bitch dressed like a witch got all pissed and then Suzy like told everyone about Jesus and how he hates halloween because it’s the Devil’s day. YEAH! that’s what I said, that’s no reason to hate halloween, Jesus is probably just pissed because nobody gets his letter T costume. WHATEVER! So yeah, suzy told me how to go to heaven and crap because apparently hell is Lamesauce McSucertown. But that’s cool because I’m pretty sure that I’m like buddhist or something, because when I sit down on the floor in my underwear I LOOK JUST LIKE THAT GUY! It’s pretty uncanny, especially if i shaved my head. So anywway yeah, if i’m a buddhist I’m totally gonna get reincarnated, hopefully as like my dad or something so I can get me a sweet car when I turn sixteen to that I might have a chance at loosing my virginity while I’m still in highschool. GIRLS DONT GIVE IT UP TO GUYS WITH SHITTY CARS. Especially not when they look like buddah in their underwear. It’s a fact.
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kay, I’ll admit it: I judged a book by its cover, and in doing so, ruined a perfectly good novel for myself. I think it was the Dan Clowes illustration that pulled me in, but it could have been the cutout cover; it’s hard to put my finger on it. In any case, Stephen Dixon’s I. looks phenomenal, and I began reading it with higher expectations than I’ve had in a while. I was sorely disappointed. I. is good, but is by no means as earthshattering as Dixon seems to believe it is. His protagonist is a middle-aged, unpublished author with a slight anger management problem, whose wife is confined to a wheelchair thanks to a debilitating disease that is getting progressively worse. His story is told in fragmented memories that come sort of close to being interesting, but never quite form a cohesive storyline. I spent the first half of the book waiting for
it to grab me, desperate for that can’t-putit-down plot twist, or at least for a character that I gave a damn about, but gave up shortly afterwards, reading on only to find out if the story improved. It didn’t. With that said, I’ve read worse. There are three or four redeeming chapters, the ones that touched upon his relationship with his wife being the best, but Dixon fails to establish enough of a motivation. The protagonist’s wife is completely helpless—he’s constantly cleaning up after her, and even has to lift her onto the toilet. The reader can only assume that he is providing this constant care because he loves her, but Dixon never establishes a believable romance between the two of them. He comes incredibly close at certain points, nearly creating a convincing relationship, but falls short every time, cutting each chapter off just as it gets interesting. The writing is convoluted at best, as Dixon goes out of his way to be excessively wordy and in certain parts, blatantly shuns standard grammatical rules. He is intentionally vague, leaving out the main character’s names, and refusing to disclose the “debilitating disease” with which the
wife is afflicted, presumably because he is operating under the false assumption that it makes him an edgier writer. I would like to believe that his not quite stream of consciousness ramblings are a stylistic decision, but the further I read, the more it just seems like lazy writing. In all fairness, I dove into this novel with incredibly high expectations (not only because of the phenomenal cover design, but because it is published by McSweeney’s), so I’m probably being a bit harsher than necessary. It was not a terrible book. It was in fact, a pretty good book, albeit one tainted a little by a pretentious writing style, but there was so much more that Dixon could have done with the storyline. There were so many opportunities for him to develop his characters and to give them a complexity that would have turned this good novel into a fantastic novel. Despite what I’ve just written, chances are I’m going to read the sequel, The End of I., partially because I want to see if Dixon adds to the characters or finds a way to unify the fragmented chapters in I., but mostly just because it has a really cool cover.
The Book Of Lost Things By John Connolly Atria 350 pages $23 Hardcover Reviewed By Shar Higa
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here’s nothing inherently unique about a coming-of-age novel. Not when such novels blanket the “New Fiction Releases” table at our local booksellers and pepper suggested reading lists for high schoolers, college freshmen, and middle-aged housewives in need of something absorbant to wipe away the salty despair of lives behind vacuums. Even a coming-of-age novel straddling lines between reality and fantasy isn’t unheard of. The runaway success of the Harry Potter franchise saw to that. Yet John Connolly, bestselling author of the gritty crime novel Every Dead Thing, manages with The Book of Lost Things to craft a
novel that’s as fresh and new as it is thoroughly satisfying. Last week, Word Baron Guardabascio took me to Borders and told me to pick a book. Any book at all. So I picked the one with the coolest cover: metallic gold inlay etching thorny vines, keys, lanterns, and other accoutrements of fantasy adventure into the thick purple matte. Whimsical, but very important-looking. In a way, I’m glad I judged this book’s merits by its cover because there are so many layers to it that I’m happy to have started at the most superficial of them. The Book of Lost Things is an adventure story populated by legitimately terrifying creatures out of an intelligent child’s nightmare, familiar friends and villains from the pages of a Grimm Brothers storybook, and an army of strange and magnificent creatures struggling in an ancient battle between good and evil. Through it all, a twelve-year-old boy named David tries to make sense of both this world of fantasy
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
and magic and of his own world, where a countryside ravaged by World War II is lonely and cold without his mother, who taught him the special power of stories. This highly entertaining novel is strongly reminiscent of works by storytelling giants Stephen King and Neil Gaiman. Although the plot is quite unique, it is woven together with threads of old stories. There are trolls under bridges in this world, and the towers here are surrounded by brambles to keep heroes from awakening the sleeping beauties within. But, though the book opens with “Once upon a time,” this is not a fairytale. There’s no “happily ever after,” just a boy who learns that life—real life, not the kind found in his storybooks—sometimes sucks, no matter how pure of heart you are. It’s finding the magic in that sort of life that makes the difference between childhood and maturity for David. An excellent book, executed exquisitely. The beautiful cover is a nice bonus.
13 November 2006
[Creative Arts]
Tears Roll Off to the Salty Sea Part Five
I watch the beauty of luna setting along illuminated yellow clouds vaporized to the vastly endless sea; horizon a reflection of the night, this setting deeper black. It is there I finally realize my reality. I seem to be cast, strapped and locked to the invisible line centered between the night sky and the end of the earth. A waterfall to space carries me with unfightable current I’ve paved personally. Floating in a vacant aloneness, a forest about me burnt by matches I regret yet continue striking. Pathways lite by my flames blindingly, spinning, undesirable, forcing debt, depression and constant distraction. Flying like a bat out of hell encompassed in smoke of disguise and lies I begin my war. Couldn’t I wake from this nightmare? Change ways, learn from mistake, grow, become a man! Stop the hurt, self hatred pitty parties. Killing those who care cause you don’t. Demolish possession, the demon of your decision. I must turn from the setting of the moon.
Illustration by Philip Vargas
The ice-eyed stranger awaited the Captain’s revelation for several mercilessly paralyzing moments. Yet the contents of Ulysses’ mind produced nothing of immediate interest. His eyes turned up slowly toward the night-shrouded stranger, seeking the answer to his ignorance. “The phrases inscribed on that handle are the answer to everything, Lawless. Gnothi sauton, omnibus caritas, veritas vincit. Know thyself, compassion in all things, and truth conquers all. The Veto comprises all I have lived by throughout the course of more lifetimes and more realities than I care to remember. There were others before, institutions and civilizations and galaxies of us…and now only I remain; the lone survivor of a lost ideal. ” The voice became lower, edgy and bitter as it continued. “The brilliant and understanding are always crushed by the brutal and ignorant. No longer. The future we of the Veto have written begins with you, Lawless. The brutally understanding. ” “I don’t have a choice, then, if my fate has already been written. ” Ulysses’ every word betrayed obvious frustration. “You always have a choice, Lawless,” said the piercing ice-blue eyes, squinting, as the sound of rattling chains echoed ominously from the direction of the calm clear voice. “You see, Captain,” continued the stranger as two manacled fists were thrust from the shadows into moonlight, arms held high there, straining in palpable discomfort as they held a pair of heavy chains aloft, “the choice is all yours. Take the Veto and free both of us. Immortal life, freedom from fear and hunger and irrationality. Freedom from the chains that bind,” rattled the manacled fists, shaking with passion inflamed by the words. “Or you can simply walk away, refusing the greatest opportunity the fates have ever presented to the human race. ” Bathed in silver moonlight, the manacled fists fell back into the foreboding shadows with a menacing clatter of heavy chains. “The choice is yours, and yours alone,” concluded the disembodied voice, resigning its fate to the shipwrecked Captain. Ulysses lowered to the floor, one knee upon the coldest shimmering ice, to regard the mysterious Veto. Three white curling vines arose from the handle, swaying softly in an absent wind as if seeking out the new life so near. On the dagger’s hilt, nestled between the vines atop it, lay a single silver sphere. The startling clarity of his own grey eyes reflected back from that metallic orb was too surreal a gaze to hold, yet he could not turn away. “Who are you?” he asked the stranger, with as much calmness as his deep gruff voice could muster. “We’ve met before, Lawless. I hoped you had retained that memory. The fates, it seems, are not without a sense of irony,” said the stranger, fixing his eyes on the icy chamber’s distant ceiling. “But there is a sort of delusive clarity to your mind that I simply cannot ignore…and the vicissitudes of the universe itself remain poised upon this moment. ” The stranger fell silent, as always, deep in thought. “They have called me Sollvraell,” uttered the voice, eyes snapping down like a guillotine to rest upon Ulysses. “So what exactly does that mean to you?” Ulysses met the intensity of those piercing hawk-like eyes, saw straight to the soul within, and couldn’t blink away. Steeling himself, he reached for the Veto.
Sitting in the same old boat with my favorite hooded friend now contemplating my options. I cried, to sleep escape, adventure away to the distant planet mystically formed over the hot spot in the mid-Pacific. Can only dream to find that island voices in my head map me there in isolation might I finally think rather than acting solely on impulse?
Sunrise through mourning due, dense, unwilling marine layer timelessly evaporates dark lifestyles, my attitude came subconsciously. Destruction a painful price I pay, my family drained poor self esteem, negative worth, pessimism all I know. In trouble back pressed bricks surrounded always solo inside the lions pit. Blackout found me here suddenly I know when I wake what to do. The excitement of escape thrills me although it’s a taxing situation to constantly face. Disappointment, rejection, no one want’s you, hatred for thyself pinned me vs. the world. Twenty twisted nightmares tonight-in each I am the devil. Attire: red zoot suit, black pin stripes, arrogant tux tails, mickey mouse gloves hold carcass and gutter of choice. Grim top hat conceals my pompadour and shades the mask; not my face although familiar as are the victims. List in hand. Who is the scroll calling for? I long to explore since I find things myself by trial and error; top line looking in the mirror the man I’ve become. When will his day come!?
Illustration by Andrew Wilson
Wooden creaks crack off the wooden pier, legs dangle, kicking, as a child lost smiling amused by the red trickle creeping down forearms rolling off to the salty sea. Carnivorous dorsal fin circling below; I feel cold but embrace the warmth of feeling, life experience, truth finally served on the table straight up in person on my nose cross eyed, pupils arousedfalling from fantasy to end the dreams. Splash! Sinking, lungs sucking now bloated, eaten alive final episode watching the beam of light screaming towards past the barrier of dry and wet; sea level more distant, light fades gloomily pressure so strong slowly the abyssal black hole hell awaits me.
By Michael Matthew Mudge
Wednesdays Are
13 November 2006
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Tom By Andrew Wilson
Life and Times By Lewis Grey
androidwilsonx@aol.com
Bad Pun Comic By Boy and Girl
Across 1- Thwart 5- Sketched 9- Overturn 14- Timber wolf 15- Possess 16- Small rodent 17- Long poem, such as those attributed to Homer
18- Predictive sign 19- Common people 20- Helper 22- Wave-related 23- Central 24- Previous monetary unit of Spain 25- Latin-American dance 29- Alert, knowing 32- Citrus fruit
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
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34- Toothlike 39- Old Italian money 40- Brand name for a copying machine 42- Assistant, particularly to heads of state 43- Produces milk 45- Egg yolk 47- Shades 49- With cunning
50- Fill with horror 54- Green shade 56- Stage play 57- Incite 63- Stupid person 64- Diamond cover 65- On the ocean 66- Inactive 67- Way out 68- Conks out 69- Outer coat of a seed 70- Be sorry for 71- Identical Down 1- Bloodsucking insect 2- “My fault!” 3- Large wading bird 4- Positions 5- Loincloth worn by Hindu men 6- Open shelter 7- Level 8- Departed 9- Many 10- Ancient Greek citystate 11- Kid leather 12- Convocation of witches 13- Unit of magnetic induction 21- Problem with L.A.
24- Agent 25- Tribute 26- Type of song, to be sung solo 27- DEA agent 28- Midge 30- More unfavorable 31- “Much ___ About Nothing”, play by Shakespeare 33- Laud 35- Lofty 36- Greasy 37- Image of a deity 38- Like grass in the morning 41- Still, in poetry 44- Capital of Georgia 46- Name of Isaac’s eldest son in the Bible 48- Vital essence 50- Allow to enter 51- Lying flat 52- Trims 53- Lifeless 55- Vacant 57- Word that can succeed dance, foot and door 58- Cab 59- Scottish boys 60- Home to most people 61- Abound 62- facilitate
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Easy
Hard
13 November 2006
[Comics] Flightless Bird Boy By Christopher Troutman
How to Play Sudoku
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Easy
13 November 2006
Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com
Hard
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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VOLUME 59
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
Area Woman Less Fuckable Than Her Dog
Headlines
Saddam Choked Up By Spears/K-Fed Split
TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART: “Just take me now,” said Hussein.
Actor Jack Palance’s Decaying Earth Husk Finally Stops Moving
MORE FUNNIER THAN YOU, DUMB DUMB
ISSUE 12
Fucking Snorlax is Helping Everybody Right Now
Campus Christians Unite! Against Campus Crusade For Christ By Father McKenzie GRUNION BIRTHING CAUL
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nti-Christian sentiment has been sweeping across the CSULB campus, a backlash against the increasingly extreme recruitment methods employed by the on-campus group, the Campus Crusaders for Christ. When not preying on non-English speaking foreign exchange students, C-Tre has taken to severe, often violent methods. Last Wednesday, several students were assaulted by a pack of wild monkeys set loose on the campus. The monkeys ripped backpacks asunder, pulled hair out, flung feces, and generally acted like oversexed Republican politicians. All this to the soundtrack of a wild-eyed CTre manager, screaming, “Are THESE your forefathers? Are THESE your grandparents? Will you give your children to THESE to look after while you go shopping on Sunday when you should be upon bended knee paying tribute to He Most High?” One bloodied, feces-ed student spoke about her experience, saying, “I mean, I understood what he was trying to say, but I think he went too far; maybe a leaflet would have been better.” C-Tre has, of course, expanded their aggressive campaign to leafletting, lining the walls of every classroom on campus with information on everything from which teargases best break up gay pride rallies to which circle of hell you’ll be joining for making 9/11 jokes. One student, Christine Miranda, said she encountered a much scarier form of propaganda: “This guy grabbed me and threw me in this huge bowl of bread dough,
and then started pouring grape juice all over me. He said I was taking a ‘Christ bath’ and that it was the only way to wash away my sins. Then he tried to make out with me. It was really weird.” The agents of C-Tre have cleaned out the spraypaint supply of hardware stores across the city, forcibly “converting” every tree and duck on campus to their cause by spraypainting a neon-green cross on them, and etching the word “Unite!” onto posters taped up by other religious groups. Religious Studies professor Saul Tester WHERE’S YOUR DARWIN NOW?: Christian-trained said that their behavior doesn’t chimps hump their scientific brethren. really make sense. “They seem to be uniting against an invisible oppression, A backlash has been slowly but steadily perhaps developed from a highly refined growing at The Beach, as students who see Christian ‘persecution complex’; they’re Christ as neither a get rich quick scheme nor lashing out at an anti-Christian sentiment a marketing device are banding together, that hasn’t been a problem for Christianity behind their leader, a foreign exchange since…well, never, in this country. Maybe it’s student from Taiwan. “They pick me up, more acceptable to make jokes about them, my first day on campus. I did no speak but you don’t generally see churches being good English then, and they take me to bombed…except by racist Christians.” their meeting, say they teach me read. But C-Tre has vowed not to let Dr. Tester’s then they made me pay them for lesson, “anti-Christian” sentiment stop them and it ended up being just that they teach from delivering their message of peace me to pray, and then send me home with and tolerance, as they prepare to launch new tattoo of lowercase ‘t’ on my forehead. their most ambitious project yet in 2007. Tattoo does no come off.” It remains to be “We’re calling it the Crusade for Christ,” seen whether this new group can exert any one member said anonymously. “We’re kind of influence on the out-of-control going to invade––I mean lead missions Crusaders, who are already crying that their to other schools, that haven’t heard the rights are being trampled, but one things is glorious word of our Director. Um, clear: that funny Taiwanese guy is way easier our director being the Lord, of course.” to understand.
Pelosi’s Barbie Dream House of Representatives By The Nothing
GRUNION SPEAKER ONE-HANDED DAISY PUSH-UP: Palance’s will found in the brim of his hat.
Sen. Allen Remembers Hilarious Racial Slur
BUCK UP: Seriously though, he cut off the head of a male deer and put it in the mailbox of the nearest black person. For trues. Look it up.
Following last week’s elections the nation is beginning to see the changes made by the new Democratic leaders in individual states, as well as in Washington. Democratic House leader, Nancy Pelosi was welcomed with open arms that were soon filled with gift baskets from Bath & Body covered in pink cellophane. The new edition made herself comfortable in the capitol last Friday. “I know what America has been through,” said Pelosi regarding President Bush’s current term, “and I think what needs to happen is a complete revamping of the administration. Yes, Rumsfeld’s resignation (she applied air quotes) is a start, but what I am talking about is a full overhaul of Washington.” Soon after the press greeting, Pelosi welcomed the Bravo network’s “Fab Five” to help her assess the situation. Carson Kressley, fashion extraordinaire, began his transformation of Condoleezza Rice, fitting her in a bright pink chiffon suit with teal hosiery, Dick Cheney in a pin-striped Valentino number, and George W. Bush in signature Gucci couture. When Kressley
was asked about the nation’s current climate he stated, “Things are FANTASTIC! Now that this peach is here we are going to see a lot of beautiful changes to our country. I couldn’t be more happy, gay.” Pelosi then hired painters to refurbish Washington D.C., including the Capital Building which received a fresh coat of “pretty princess sparkle time” paint and fourteen-hundred new bulbs of red and white roses for the lawn. “I was reading last month’s Homes & Gardens and they said that in order to keep a healthy house, you need to start with a pretty house that people feel comfortable visiting,” Pelosi said. “I am also inviting all permanent and elected members of the UN to a nice dinner next week. I got this great recipe for a 30-minute Pesto alla Genovese from Rachel Ray that I know they will all love!” When asked how he felt about the recent changes to the capital, as well as the power shift in the Senate and House, President George W. Bush stated, “I could not be more happier. I feel that our nation spoke their voice and it was heard. We are lucky to have Nancy Pelosi and all other kinds of good people in power now. Things have not looked more brighter or more lighten than they do right now. Mrs. Pelosi also made a
very yummy spaghetti thing the other day that I really liked. The country is in good shape.” Other changes Pelosi is set to make are mandatory manicures for all House members, and once a week sleepover/ pillow fights for the Senate. “After all,” Pelosi ended, “there’s no reason, red or blue, we can’t just get along and thrive on our mutual goal of peace and freedom.”
Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to Fancylash@ lbunion.com if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.
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