59.14

[Issue 59.14] It Was Over Before It Began Letter from the Editor

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his week, Managing Editor Mike Guardabascio (yes, the Mike Guardabascio) announced the winners of the Third Semesterly Short Story Contest. We received twenties of submissions from within the staff and from across the campus to complete yet another amazingly successful competition. I was among those who entered, submitting a small piece of fiction I have been working on for a Creative Writing class. I felt it was good, but nothing special, and, frankly submitted it purely because I wanted Mike to have something to read.

So you can imagine my surprise when Mr. Guardabascio pulled me aside one afternoon to inform me that my story “The Station,” was, based on entirely anonymous judging, tapped as this year’s finest story. I was shocked for a moment, considering the competition, but realized that my victory was in the cards all along.

If history teaches us anything, it will be that the Union Weekly Editor-in-Chief will always win the Fall Short Story Contest. Last year, Union Weekly EIC Patrick Dooley won the event with his story “The Jostler,” a tale about some sort of fellow whom jostles.

Now, I would love to assert that this was, in some way, a representation of the amount of power that the Editor-in-Chief wields over the staff, and that with a simple thumbs-up or thumbs-down, decisions both large and small will be made at our whim. But it certainly isn’t the case – not at all. It is a testament to the amazing instincts of our Managing Editor, and his ability to guarantee his own job security. If you’re wondering why this week’s issue feels a little light, you’ll have to look no further than Mr. Guardabascio’s paycheck for answers. Regardless, check out pages 8 and 9 for his four

favorite stories, illustrated by the Union Weekly’s very own Andrew Wilson and Philip Vargas.

I’d also like to clear up confusion that our Thanksgiving hiatus may have caused. If you are one of our many regular readers, you’re probably asking yourself why there was no new issue out last Monday. I’d love to say that it was because of some amazingly complex story involving power outages and a printing press-induced death that destroyed what would have been our most controversial and influential issue to date, but unfortunately, we just took the week off. Most of the staff became hopelessly addicted to video game hockey or alcohol, and in certain cases, both. Others took the rare opportunity of a Saturday night away from the newspaper to sit at home in the dark and weep silently. I, for one, am still trying to remove the stench of Thanksgiving leftovers from my refrigerator. I swear, for all the hype it’s received, using Arm & Hammer is the equivalent of Fabreezing a hobo.

See, tradition states that we put out a special issue before the break to satiate your hunger for some delicious alternative student news for a couple of weeks. But I guess you all just devoured The Grunion’s breakout issue too damn quick. Though, if you haven’t seen it, there are still a small amount of copies still available.

We’re actually wondering what you thought about it, so feel free to send in some comments – good or bad – to Grunion editor Fancy Lash. Now. We’re pretty proud of what we were able to accomplish with the 28-page monster magazine, and hope that it sets a precedent for other campus publications to follow. Oh, and Dig, in case you were wondering… what you do badly in a month, we did better in a day.

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

Give As Much As You Can, Continued Yay for homeless people! While we and most/all of you are chowing down on an unbelievably glutton-like feast of food, there are people all over the country who won’t have anything…unless you help us change that. The Union Weekly is exending its first annual can drive for the homeless; any time between now and the Holiday break, bring by any canned goods you’ve got sitting around (or be a sport and actually buy some appetizing stuff from the store) and we’ll make sure they get where they belong. Our office is located in the courtyard on the second story of the Student Union, right next to the police station. Look for the pirate flag…the pirate flag of caring.

The History vs. The Legacy of Thanksgiving “Thanksgiving puts steel into our patriotic veins. It reminds us of our great heritage. It carries us back with numbing nostalgia to that first dreadful winter at Plymouth where less than half a handful of people survived. It speaks in clear, crisp tones of forgotten terms, like: integrity...bravery...respect...faith...vigilance...dignity...honor... freedom...discipline...sacrifice...godliness.”

– Charles R. Swindoll Many great establishments, revolutions and traditions endure tumultuous formations. Catholicism has the history of the Inquisition to contend with. America has its horrible treatment of the Indians in the chaotic period of Western Expansion. Today’s Muslim Reformation and struggle for a moderate Islam faces the backlash of radical terrorist fanatics in these tumultuous times. Sweeping change and progress often face chaotic beginnings when they promote the upheaval of social, political, and religious institutions.

The great traditions and institutions we value today, such as Thanksgiving, America, and the great tenets of the world’s religions are the products of chaotic beginnings that eventually gave way to progress and order. It’s foolish and shallow to judge these institutions solely by their chaotic and violent beginnings. Consider their motives, means, and legacies, as well history, when passing judgment on America’s traditions and institutions.

Today, Thanksgiving brings families together, provides a holiday for Americans to appreciate our many blessings, and the teaching of the colonists’ poor treatment of the Indians promotes tolerance and diversity in elementary schools. These are the enduring positive legacies of an American tradition rooted in unfortunate and chaotic beginnings. The positive spirit of Thanksgiving makes it worth observing and passing on, and no amount of pilgrim-bashing can lower my opinion of the fine holiday of Thanksgiving.

– Guido D’Onofrio

ASI Senator at Large

Letter to the Editor Thoroughly examining the ignorance and idiocy of Erin Hickey’s imprudent piece “Quit Yer Bitchin’ and Git Back in the Kitchin’” (Volume 59, No. 12) would be a demanding undertaking, so for the sake of time and space I will address only the most severe grievances I have regarding the commentary.

First of all, one cannot ignore the irrefutable fact that it is more difficult to be female than male in Western society and criticizing the institutionalized sexism that negatively affects half the population is in itself a crucial aspect of taking action.

Furthermore, Hickey’s assertion that women who “dress like whores” have no right to be upset when they get the “attention” they are obviously “asking for” is reminiscent of the cultural tendency to blame the victims of sexual offenses. Sometimes just being female is reason enough for a woman to be harassed, threatened, abused, assaulted, raped or murdered, regardless of her appearance or her actions. This dismissive attitude toward sexual harassment is particularly irresponsible given the recent events that remind us of the real dangers women face daily, although it seems downright compassionate in comparison to the ill-advised mock advertisement for “Rape [and Canola] Culture Monthly” featured in The Grunion.

Finally, I also take issue with the contention that women view each other only as competition and do not wish for other women to succeed. On the contrary, I would like to personally offer my congratulations to Ms. Hickey on her position as Opinions Editor of the Union, a position, I would like to point out, that she would not have if she were to take her own advice and quit her uninformed bitchin’ and get back in the kitchin’.

– Megan Adams

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Conor Izzett Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Carolynn Romana Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor Patrick Dooley Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Jennifer Perry Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Katie Wynne Copy Editor Brian Dunning Conor Izzett Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com carolynn@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com patrick@lbunion.com

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com jenperry@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Dustin Spence Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Ryan ZumMallen, Giuliano De Pieri, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Art Montoya, James Kislingbury, Omar Zahzah, Joshua Peralta, Michael Mermelstein, Matthew Blanche, Jenny Long, Caroline Sinay, Pete Olsen

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

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1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

4 December 2006

Opinions

Putting The F Back In The FCC

By Omar Zahzah Student Submission

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amn you, Janet Jackson—your infamous “wardrobe malfunction” during the Super Bowl of 2004 was probably the last instance of truly unscripted live television that we will ever know. Immediately following the incident, US TV networks and the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) went to court to determine just what could and couldn’t be seen and heard on television; to this day, networks are still battling the new regulations imposed by the FCC, claiming that they are both vague and tough.

During its brief to the 2nd US Circuit Court of Appeals in New York, FOX argued that the regulations, (under which “virtually any use of the words ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ are prohibited, no matter how isolated or fleeting, no matter how inadvertent and no matter whether they occur spontaneously during live programming”) will result in “the end of truly live television and a gross expansion of the FCC’s intrusion into the creative and editorial process.”

For once in my life, I actually agree with FOX. People talk about how wonderful it is that we have freedom of speech, but what good is having that right if a board of etiquette Nazis who masquerade under the banner of public decency are going to do everything within their power to curtail it?

The FCC argued that “By continuing to argue that it is okay to say the f-word and the s-word on television whenever it wants, Hol-

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

lywood is demonstrating how out of touch it is with the American people. We believe there should be limits on what can be shown when children are likely to be watching.” Personally, I think a group of uptight assholes with a first graders’ vernacular (f-word? s-word?) are far more out of touch with the American people than FOX or CNN. The idea of censoring live broadcasts because “children might be watching” is ridiculous—the whole point of a live broadcast is that it’s LIVE. Any parent with half a brain ought to know that if you’re concerned

about what your child watches, anything live and unscripted is not the best option.

So Janet Jackson flashed her nipple during the Super Bowl. So Bono said “Fucking brilliant,” during the Golden Globes. I don’t hear the American people that the FCC claims to be in touch with bitching about it.

Maybe that’s because, unlike the FCC, we know that shit happens.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Israel vs. Palestine: The Never Ending Story

By Raid Khoury CSULB Alumnus Submission I recently opened my inbox and found an email containing a Press-Telegram article about the Muslim Student Association (MSA)-sponsored speaker back in May of this year. As I read the article I was taken back to my days as a student at Long Beach State between 1990 and 1994. In October of 1993 I wrote an article in this paper opposing the recently-signed Oslo Accord between the P.L.O. and Israel. I stated back then that it did not address the root cause of the conflict, and will not provide a foundation for a just and durable peace. I also criticized Yassir Arafat for shaking the hand of Yitzhak Rabin. Rabin, Israel’s great “peacemaker,” was a career war criminal who had spent the previous few years breaking the bones of Palestinian children who threw stones at Israeli occupation soldiers during the first Intifadah. A series of attacks on me by Pro-Zionist students followed and most of them were strikingly similar to what was said about the speaker, and students who invited him this past May. Typical of pro-Israel activists, the attacks centered on accusations of anti-Semitism, support for terrorism, and hate speech all of which have become familiar rhetoric well-known to all of us in the Pro-Palestine camp. These same students were also celebrating Israel’s independence, a euphemism for the ethnic cleansing of Palestine and the attempt to erase an entire country and people from the map and history.

The anti-Semitic charge is hardly new for Israel’s cheerleaders. Its one of their favorites and they have been hurling it at anyone who dares criticize the Zionist state for years. This charge is blatantly false and intellectually dishonest. The anti-Semites are those who equate the Jewish religion with the Zionist colonial

4 December 2006

project in Palestine and defend the Zionist, apartheid regime in the name of the adherents of this moral tradition. Tellingly, the most anti-Semitic group in the US is the evangelical Christians, but Israel’s hypocritical supporters never levy this charge against the most fanatical supporters of the Israeli state.

Supporters of the Palestinian cause have also been accused of supporting terror for decades.

Israel’s attack dogs in this country never seem to get tired of this one. Someone should remind them it was the early Zionists that inaugurated the era of modern terrorism in Palestine, and it’s those who support Israel who are the real supporters of terrorism. The assertion that support for the struggle of the native inhabitants of Palestine to the colonization of their country amounts to support for terrorism is another ridiculous lie, and an insult to the real victims of terrorism anywhere in the world.

Another exhausted accusation directed towards critics of Israel is that of hate speech.

Anyone who condemns the Zionist, apartheid regime in Palestine is considered to be engaging in hate speech. As far as Zionists are concerned Israel represents all adherents of the Jewish faith (thousands of years old), and therefore any attack on the Jewish state (created in 1948) is an attack on all adherents of this religious tradition. This argument, in addition to its problematic logic, is really an admission of the racist nature of the Israeli state, but does not amount to hate speech.

The root cause of this conflict is found in the events of 1947-8. Israel was violently created in 1948 by European colonial settlers with no historical connection to Palestine, and no legitimate claim of right. An entire society was uprooted and over a million Arabs, both Muslim and Christian were evicted from their ancestral land to make room for a racist, exclu-

sivist, Jewish state. 531 villages were destroyed; mosques and churches razed, and the names of streets, towns, villages, and buildings were changed all in an attempt to erase Palestine from the map. A very timely, recently-released book, The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine, by Israeli academic Ilan Pappe traces the planning and execution of the ethnic cleansing of Palestine in 1947-8 without which the state of Israel would not exist. Today this apartheid regime continues in Palestine, and the refugees have not been allowed to return to their homes, towns, and villages. The continued denial of the events of 1948 in Palestine is itself hate speech of the ugliest kind.

The historical revisionism inherent in the fictional Zionist narrative still being peddled in America can not change the basic facts that put into motion a conflict now almost six decades old. Zionism is illegitimate for the racist principle that underlies it. Israel’s apologists will never be able to see or admit the utter bankruptcy of Israel’s founding idea. Instead they resort to the obviously absurd accusations of anti-Semitism, support for terror, or hate speech. These thuggish tactics are designed to stifle any criticism of Israel, deflect attention away from its murderous history, and justify the accusers’ own support for the last remaining colonial project in existence today. We in the Pro-Palestine camp must continue to frame the issue and conflict on our own terms. In the end, only a secular, democratic state in all of Palestine and the return of the refugees to their land will bring this conflict to an end. The smarter people in Israel have already begun to see the ultimate coming collapse of Israel and Zionism. It’s too bad some students at Long Beach are not that smart.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Previously we’ve discussed electrons as reacting to and causing forces. Today we discuss a use for the magnetic force and light emission via electron collision.

Heating an electrical conductor causes its atoms and electrons to move and vibrate a lot. This is all heating is, in fact. If you keep heating it, over a thousand degrees depending on the material, and apply a flow of electrons to it, then electrons will start shooting off of the conductor in all directions. With proper shielding and electrical force fields, these electrons may be focused into a beam and controlled in intensity. A device that does this is called an electron gun.

Shooting this beam of electrons past electromagnets causes the beam to bend because each electron feels a force from the magnets. Changing the current in the electromagnets alters the direction in which the beam is bent by the magnets, allowing the point at which the electron beam is aimed to be changed quickly and constantly without moving the gun at all.

Placing a screen coated with special (phosphorescent) chemicals in front of this setup causes light to emit from the screen wherever the beam hits. These elements together in a vacuum tube make the basic setup of a black and white television set. By sweeping the magnets that control the horizontal aim of the beam through a range of currents 14,400 times per second, cycling the vertical control magnets through two interlaced sets of 240 currents each 30 times per second, and varying the voltage applied to the electron gun, the electron beam will hit each point on the screen 30 times per second, causing each to shine a certain amount of light each time. The variation in voltage to the electron gun is provided from an electrical signal, such as that from an antenna (see last week and prior for discussion on this). Because of this procedure, though, only every other row is lit up in a single picture. This is what causes the picture to look weird if you pause a movie playing in a VCR, because in order for your VCR to pause while showing an image it needs to combine two pictures that were taken one-sixtieth of a second apart. This also causes a television being filmed to have a horizontal strip that is darker than the rest. The darker area is just the few rows on the screen that didn’t get hit by the electron beam while the camera took a picture, and since televisions and television cameras refresh at about the same rate, this strip remains at the same part of the screen of slowly scrolls up or down.

A tube color television works with the same basic ideas, but it instead has three electron guns, one for each of red, green, and blue. Since the guns are the same, another screen is placed between the electron guns and the real screen.

This new screen has holes in it so that electrons from the red gun passing through a hole can hit all of and only the red-emitting chemical, and the same for green and blue. Thus, every red dot corresponds to a hole in this screen, and a green dot and blue dot next to it share this same hole. This screen is sensitive to magnetization, though. If you put a magnet near a tube color TV, you may notice that the electrons are deflected to different parts of the screen making the picture look funny. After removing the magnet the screen retains some of the magnetization so part of your TV will have mixed up colors until you get it demagnetized by a repairman. Old black and white screens don’t have this problem, though, so you can distort their image all you want free of worry.

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[Opinions] Do Your Best and Don’t Worry

By Patrick Dooley

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InTune Director

musical philosopher—charming, handsome, and a better lyricist than Lennon—once asked, “And when you want to live, how do you start?

Where do you go? Who do you need to know?” If I knew the answer to even one of those questions I’d feel infinitely better about tying off my college career just three short weeks from now. I certainly feel ready to live—in the “real world,” that is. So how do I start? Get a job. Right. Setting aside for the moment that I’m utterly unemployable at the minion level, a decent job opening in winter is as mercilessly pursued as the skinny chick at a drunken frat party.

You understand what I mean. Unless you were at that party. Anyway, getting a start out of the gate is still not as easy as that skinny Greek. This is the source of my anxiety. It’s go time and I’m idling.

Looking for that perfect job inevitably leads you to the second question. Where am I going to go? Beyond twenty visits per day to Monster.com and a variety of job search sites. The simplistic looming decision: “Where do I want to kick-start my future?” The routine of attending class during Fall and Spring, then finding various ways to pass the summertime is now obsolete in my life; I’m straying from scholastic shelter into the frigid open air of the working world. I won’t lie—it’s startling when that realization solidifies.

There’s no component in me that’s not confident I’ll survive, but I’m sure there’s a stark difference between survival and actually living.

When the future seems a snowballing bundle of all-important uncertainties, you

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want nothing more than an all-knowing confidant with an all-answers arsenal.

Should I stay put, travel for some perspective, hop right into a job elsewhere for a change of venue, or apply everywhere and go where I get the best offer? That last option assumes that life’s solitary consolation is a career and financial rewards. There’s more, isn’t there? Isn’t there? Isn’t there someone who can answer that? Perhaps you have a friend you can refer me to that has given you that speech, making grandiose hand gestures that led to the tragic spilling of vodka tonic (with lime). Somebody can tell me. Who do I need to know?

I’m on my own. We all are.

The Payoff: The quickest route to developing a debilitating fear of the future is to obsess about it, instead of staying focused on the present. If you lose sight of what’s going on now, you will have stopped preparing the future for your arrival. Taking it one day at a time keeps you busy and sharp, whereas stagnancy in your creativity and work habits will atrophy your confidence, and then you’ll feel out of control and could wind up wasting your potential. Who was it that said, “The devil will find work for idle hands to do”? It sure wasn’t Lennon. I’ll be fair, he did say, “Imagine all the people living for today.” That’s good advice.

It’s just poetically inferior. Find solace in knowing that air will be in your lungs, food will likely be in your belly, and the human mind always finds a way to survive when it becomes necessity. Raise your hand if you get the feeling it’s not you I’m trying to convince.

Questions? Comments?

Patrick Dooley can be reached at patrick@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Four More Years: It’s Gonna Be Okay

By Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent I was only a young high school lad with left leanings when I first heard of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bid for Sacramento. I was a petitioner for the recall, I didn’t know who would win, but I knew that whoever was in office was not doing a good job so I took up my clipboard and hit the streets. It was while standing outside of a Rite-Aid asking people to sign for the recall when I heard two soccer mom types talking: Mom 1: I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger might be running for the Republicans.

Mom 2: Oh, I am very interested in the Republican party.

I was dumbstruck. What was I doing here? Was I fighting for accountability in the state government, or was I setting the stage for a fiasco of gubernatorial proportions? Arnold, the Body-Builder, the Actor, the… Austrian. I rode out the recall and voted Green, hoping all would be ok.

Schwarzenegger broke the party lines, drawing in equally from regular Democrats and Republicans, blowing the other candidates away with his clear majority.

Needless to say I was upset, and have been since then.

That is until the last month when I saw some of the new policies he has signed.

Will someone please tell me, “I told you so.”

So I did something I don’t normally do before a liberal rant: I did some research.

By checking both the governor’s official webpage and several news sources, I found that he has been signing a lot of bills. Most of these seem like run of the mill political

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

jargon bills that sound good but don’t do anything, like lowering prescription medicine cost and reducing gang violence. It’s nice to see that his intentions are in the right place, but where are the real changes that had been promised California?

Well, in September he signed a bill to significantly and workably reduce greenhouse gas emissions in California. Furthermore, he (at least clandestinely) criticized the Bush administration for not taking a stand on this global issue. Now there are detractors for this bill, how it may hurt small businesses, but it does something very important. It is one of the first major, mainstream political events in America to acknowledge global warming and its causes. It is a landmark occasion.

The second thing, and he only approved the legislation on this (as in, he didn’t veto it), is the massive increase in minimum wage. By 2008 it will be raised to $8 per hour, the highest in the nation.

I, personally, am happy to see the government playing a roll in curbing the poverty of America and am happy to see a strong character like Schwarzenegger leading the way. This decision is under a lot of fire from economic libertarians. I just want to remind you that the last time there was no minimum wage, outrageous poverty was the mode.

I don’t know who is guiding his hand to sign these bills (probably his wife, though), but I would say I strongly approve and look forward to his upcoming, first full term in a more that “slightly amused” way. It’s nice to see a Republican lean left rather than towards the Nazis.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

4 December 2006

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

CSULB’s Awareness Fair Gives Out Advice, Condoms

O

News Director

Photo By Ryan Kobane In front of large crowds all day long, Heidi Burkey and Chrisina Goldpaint of the Health Resource Center explained the importance of practicing safe sex.

for students who signed up for the quick test.

“The test only takes twenty minutes,” said Calvin Moore, Health Educator and HIV councilor. “We only had time for 17 students today, and we filled every time slot. I really think we could have done this all week and had the same results, students seemed happy we were doing this. Next year I hope we can do testing for a longer period of time.”

In addition to the Awareness Fair, during the week there was also an HIV-Positive Speaker’s Panel in the Student Union on Tuesday, a lunchtime performance by the band Depswa and film screening/ discussion of the movie Touch Me on Wednesday, and a spoken word event regarding HIV/AIDS during the “Poet’s Lounge” in the Soroptomist House on Thursday.

Not all topics discussed during the Awareness Fair were as heavy as intervenes drug use and contracting HIV,.It was clear that many of the students that came across the fair were interested in the freebies being handed out. “Just today I think we have given out over 300 condoms to students,”

said Burkey. “We ran out, but we’re getting more.

Safe sex is one of the easiest things students can do to protect themselves from HIV, so we are hoping that if we give students condoms, they won’t have an excuse not to use them.”

Burkey was also very clear to students that Student Health Services is always open for testing Monday through Thursday for free HIV testing, also providing low-cost STD testing.Burkey, along with many others who helped during the week made it a point to show students why it was important to get involved in World AIDS Day events, “Raising awareness among college students about HIV/ AIDS is important because they are our future leaders who will effect change,” said Burkey.

CSULB In Need of Culture Change

By Vincent Girimonte Union Staffer As dozens of students, educators, and parents filled the University Student Union Auditorium last Wednesday to attend a town hall-style meeting regarding the sexual assaults on campus, it became obvious that many still harbored doubt as to whether CSULB has returned to its previous state of safety.

“Our campus has suffered serious, atrocious, sexual assaults,” said Associate Vice-President Dr. Mike Hostetler, explaining that the town hall format was designed to both inform and gather suggestions from the public. After a briefing from Corporal Ami Rzasa, the focus shifted to the panel of experts concerning sexual assaults and fields relevant to rape prevention. One such panelist was Dr. Courtney Ahrens, an assistant professor from the Department of Psychology, stressing the need to “change the culture” at CSULB. College females face a higher chance of sexual assault than any other demographic, and the cases at CSULB are by no means new or rare occurrences on the national level. She also pointed out that myths regarding selfdefense need to be put to rest. “Woman who fight back are no more likely to get hurt, and more likely to get away,” said Ahrens in response to a question from a female student asking what is the best way to prevent assault.

4 December 2006

By Conor Izzett Business Manager

Rumsfeld Memo: Strategy Failing in Iraq

By Ryan Kobane n Thursday November 30th, only one day before the internationally recognized “AIDS Day”, California State University Long Beach, along with help from many different university organizations, had its first annual Awareness Fair in front of Brotman Hall.

Booths were set up at 10 A.M. and included such organizations as Student Health Services, Project Choice, LGBT Resource Center, Women’s Resource Center, Latino Student Union, Program Council, and ATOD. “The goal of the Awareness Fair is to increase knowledge about HIV and safer sex techniques, not only locally at our college, but nationally and globally as well,” said Heidi Burkey, Health Educator and HIV test counselor. Constantly engaging with interested students during the day, Burkey explaining such topics as the connection between alcohol and STD’s, and the importance of being tested on a consistent basis.

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Other Drugs Program, or ATOD, is an organization on campus that provides information, outreach programs, resources, and alcoholics anonymous meetings for all willing CSULB students. ATOD’s booth was full of pamphlets and information sheets that explained the direct link between alcohol, drugs, and the spread of HIV. The facts speak for themselves; with more than one-third of AIDS cases in the United States being caused by injection drug use, and the ever-increasing number of people using Meth and contracting STD’s, ATOD served a very important role in the Awareness Fair.

“The connection between drugs and STD’s is something that I don’t think many students are fully aware of,” said Christina Goldpaint, office supervisor of the Human Resource Center.

“We’re just glad we had such a good turn out, people really seem to be interested in the fair.”

In conjunction with the Awareness Fair on Thursday, there was also free rapid HIV testing

But Should

Dr. Marc Rich, an assistant communications professor at CSULB, echoed similar sentiments, and also revealed “35% of male college students would sexually assault another student if they knew they could get away with it.” This statistic, according to Rich, is indicative of the relative Photo By Ryan Kobane acceptance rape has gained in our culture.

Rich works with students through Inter- Cristina Goldpaint, Office Supervisor of the Act, a program intent on educating stu- Health Resource Center gave demonstrations of dents on sexual assaults and ways to pre- how to properly place a condom on a fake penis. vent being victimized. “Despite the tragic events, I’m glad [the sexual assaults] have gained attention.” Rape on college campuses, which many panelists believed to be an unrecognized epidemic throughout American universities, is perpetuated by victims hesitating to come forward. The assault, for instance, that took place on Oct 21st was not reported until days after the crime had been committed, but the fact that the victim did end up comeing forward was lauded by the panelists and the police alike.

Later that day, President Alexander addressed the ASI Student Senate, making clear that CSULB must take steps to ensure safety for its students. “We are not immune to everything around us,” said Alexander, citing the dangers that certain areas of Long Beach and the interstate possess.

Video cameras were amongst his suggestions, along with students taking precautions, such as walking in pairs and using the school’s escort service, which he believes to be vital to personal safety.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

In a memo to President Bush, Rumsfeld wrote, “In my view it is time for a major adjustment. Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough.” Despite months of criticism of the Bush administration’s strategy in Iraq, Rumsfeld, until now, has been its biggest supporter. The Pentagon confirmed that the memo is authentic, but would not comment beyond that. Among Rumsfeld’s recommendations for change were a reduction in troop numbers and a redefinition of the American goal in Iraq.

The memo was dated November, 6, just one day before the midterm elections leading to the Democratic takeover of the house. Two days later Rumsfeld resigned. Since both houses of Congress changed hands last month, Bush has admitted to some shortcomings in Iraq strategy, and has called for advice from both parties. The National Security Council has warned, however, not to expect any major policy changes any time soon.

Castro Misses 50th Anniversary Celebration A parade took place in Cuba last week, complete with tanks on the ground, and jets overhead. It was a military celebration marking the 50th anniversary of the beginning of the Cuban revolution, which led to a near five-decade rule over the country by Fidel Castro. Castro, however, was absent. Castro has not appeared in public since he underwent emergency surgery in July leading many to believe that his reign is coming to an end. Upon Castro’s surgery, he gave temporary control to his brother, Raul Castro. Many have taken Castro’s absence as an indication of increasing illness, especially considering his appearance in the few photos released of since his hospitalization. Some have taken the show of military force as a warning against U.S. invasion amid Castro’s waning health. The Communist leader has survived the attempts of 10 presidents to depose him, and it’s increasingly likely that time will succeed where they have failed.

5

Sports

Quote O’ The Week

“What do you want us to do, put our head down and run to a corner? We don’t do that. We’re men.”

~Mike Strahan to a female reporter after he called out Plaxico Burress on the radio and then lied about it.

Long Beach Beats Pepperdine, Falls To Hawaii In NCAA’s

By JJ Fiddler Sports Editor

I

t was an up and down weekend for the Long Beach State women’s volleyball team. After beating Pepperdine in four

Photo By Art Montoya Alexis Crimes

sets on Friday night in the first round on the NCAA Women’s Volleyball Tournament, the Niners fell to Hawaii in the second round on Saturday in the ‘Myd. Long Beach used great defense and Big West Player of the Year Alexis Crimes led the way with 16 kills to take down the Pepperdine Waves, 30-22, 30-27, 25-30, 30-26.

“We played well most of the time,” said coach Brian Gimmillaro. “I was really proud of our attitude tonight.”

That attitude needed an adjustment early in the first game when the Waves opened up a 6-2 lead and coach Gimmillaro called a timeout.

“The way we were playing was unacceptable,” said Gimmillaro. “We wanted to remind them that we could not win playing like that.”

The ladies came out of the huddle a new team and ran off six straight points to take the lead, and they never looked back. Quincy Verdin and Michaela Hasalikova each added 11 kills and the backline of Cynthia Buggs and Talaya Whitfield compiled 30 digs, 12 and 18 respectively.

Verdin, who sat out much of the season with a knee injury, was pivotal on defense and offense.

“My leg felt great tonight,” said Verdin.

“The adrenaline and support from my teammates defiantly helped.”

So, on Saturday…

Long Beach welcomed the Hawaii Rainbow Wahine to the ‘Myd, a place where Hawaii had never won; that all changed as the Wahine took down the Beach in four games, 30-28, 30-25, 24-30, 30-17.

“Hawaii was certainly stronger than us and out played us in most areas” said Gimmillaro. “Their game plan was good and was well coached and executed. The first game. I thought both teams played poorly and anyone could take that game. Game two was the same but unfortunately we couldn’t steal that one.”

With Verdin still slowed by her injury and normal starter Naomi Washington still sidelined, Hawaii and outside hitter Sarah Mason attacked the left side where Mason tallied a game-high 24 kills.

“It was not their strong point,” said Ha-

Aaron Nixon: Part II Beach Basketball Update

By Ryan ZumMallen BeachBall Guru “I’ve come a long way,” Aaron Nixon wants you to know. He means it, figuratively and literally. The 6’2” shooting guard from Cleveland, Ohio recently began his second and final season in a CSULB uniform. He’ll leave campus with professional aspirations.

“I wouldn’t have started playing ten years ago if I didn’t want to do anything with basketball,” Nixon says. “I could’ve just gone to school. But that’s what its about, playing pro basketball somewhere.”

After two stellar seasons at the DivisionII level, Nixon passed on offers from bigger programs like Ohio State and Nebraska to come to CSULB. “I trusted the coaches,” he explains. “Other people were recruiting me, but I would hear from them one week then in two weeks I wouldn’t hear from them. Long Beach called me every week.”

Last year’s 49ers led the nation in scoring, but through six games this year the offense has struggled to find its stride. Nixon is the one that will be expected to put points on the board during a drought.

“If I have a bad game, it’s on me,” he says.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be stopped. Not to sound cocky or anything, but it’s mental, the whole game is mental. There are a million ways to score.” Nixon’s attitude should not

be confused with conceit. It’s his gunslinger mentality that allowed him to put up 25.3 points in three Big West tournament games last season. CSULB’s chances may depend on whether Nixon plays with a conscience or not.

Any success the team has this year will certainly influence Nixon’s individual success in the future, a lesson he learned from conversations with several former 49ers who spent time in the League. “They gave me a lot of advice, because they’ve already been there,” Nixon says. “If your team wins, it makes it look better for you. If you score 30 and ya’ll are 5-25, then it means nothing.”

Nixon knows this is a big year for both himself and the team. He continues to chase the dream that consumes the soul of every kid big enough to hold a basketball. Everything he has done in his career has led him to this point, the one season that will determine whether or not a professional career is in his future. “I could be working a 9-to-5 or I could be playing basketball somewhere. That’s the ultimate goal,” he says. “Somewhere, as long as I’m playing basketball, it’s cool.”

To do that, he’ll need to have a stellar individual season and help his team realize its championship potential.

“Go out there like every day is your last,” he says. * * *

Mama said there’d be games like this.

Long Beach State men’s basketball had a very eventful week, with an opportunity to prove themselves against three very good opponents, all on the road. Instead, the 49ers seemed out of sync with their offense and struggled to score in all three games, shooting less than 30% from the field in five of the six halves played. With the losses, Long Beach State fell to 2-4 overall on the season.

The Beach first traveled to USC on Nov. 24, where they trailed by just six points at halftime before allowing the Trojans’ guards to take over. Nick Young and Lodrick Stewart combined for 38 points and USC beat CSULB, 79-61. Aaron Nixon led CSULB with 13 points. Kejuan Johnson, who had broken his nose in practice just days earlier, played against USC but was hit with a technical foul for taking a swing at Lodrick just before halftime, and did not play again.

Johnson sat out the following two games nursing his injury, and should be out another 3-4 weeks.

On Nov. 29, CSULB went north to take on #1 in the nation UCLA in their home stadium. Once again, the 49ers hung tough and led by Sterling Byrd, cut UCLA’s lead to only five points by the half. However, the Bruins came out on fire, scoring the first 15 points of the half and going on to defeat the 49ers, 8858. Josh Shipp totaled 24 points and 6 three-

Photo By Art Montoya Cynthia Buggs (front) and Talaya Whitfield

waii coach David Shoji. “We needed to serve tough to make them set to the left. If they were going to set Crimes and Crum all night, it would have been real tough.”

Long Beach ends their season with a 26-6 record.

Gimmillaro couldn’t help but look forward after the match. “I really liked this team because they were healthy enough to practice all year and were determined to get better. I will be fond of them forever. I don’t want to let them go just yet. As a long time coach, I am making plans (for next year) as I sit here.”

pointers, as CSULB failed to defend UCLA’s shooters, who made 13 three’s in the contest.

After a short rest, the 49ers headed East to take on Temple this past Saturday, where for a change of pace, they managed to completely lose control of the game in the first half instead of the second. Long Beach shot 6 for 30 in the opening half and managed just 13 points, ending the game shooting 24.3% from the field and 14.3% from long range. Aaron Nixon shot 2-13 from the field and failed to score in double figures for the first time this season. Temple defeated CSULB 74-49, handing the Beach their third straight loss by double-figures.

On the road, CSULB was not allowed to play the uptempo style that they are accustomed to, and the team’s offensive one-dimensionality was exposed by every team they faced. The 49ers, who led the NCAA in scoring last season, put up just 56.0 ppg over the course of the three games.

Forward Sterling Byrd was one of the lone bright spots for the Beach, as he notched 15 points and 16 rebounds against UCLA, and led CSULB with 12 points against Temple.

Byrd, however, was held scoreless against USC. After one more road game, the 49ers will return to the ‘Myd this Thursday to take on Pepperdine, hopefully with more success than they have recently experienced.

Wednesdays Are

6

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

4 December 2006

The National Football League Union Style

Games to Watch This Weekend: Week 14

By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs @10:00 a.m.

The loss last week at Cincinnati is not cause for panic in Baltimore yet, but if the Chiefs find a way to upset the Ravens, pandemonium will be on the brink of outbreak. A Ravens loss coupled with a probable Bengal win over the meager Raiders and the gap in the AFC West will be only one game.

And unfortunately for the Ravens, Herm Edwards’ Chiefs are not a team to just roll over in the face of adversity: besides, the Chiefs’ playoff hopes will increase when the Chargers destroy the Broncos later in the day (see below). No matter what happens, the Ravens will be in the playoffs: their defense is too good, they have a run game, and Steve McNair is simply a winner.

PICK: The Raven defense showed some vulnerability last week, but they’ll find the magic this week to secure their spot in the playoffs. Ravens slow down Larry Johnson and win 16-14.

Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers @1:15 p.m.

It feels like just yesterday the Chargers were down by 17 in the 3rd quarter at Mile High Stadium ready to give up the AFC West to a Bronco team that was hitting its stride. Oh how much has changed since that game just a few weeks ago! LaDainian Tomlinson has broken all sorts of records, the Chargers are surging, and the Broncos have vested their playoff hopes in rookie quarterback, Jay Cutler. The Chargers were able to erase that deficit effortlessly playing in hostile territory; they will surely have no problem playing at home. Be sure to watch out for some big collisions between Antonio Gates and John Lynch in the secondary… there are bound to be at least two.

PICK: The Chargers have the better offense and defense. No need for a comeback this week as the Chargers roll, 35-20.

Buffalo Bills at New York Jets @1:15 p.m.

At the beginning of the year nobody expected a Bills / Jets game to mean anything in week 14, but both teams have fought hard and are still alive in the playoff hunt, surprisingly. New England may be atop the division, but the Bills, Jets, and the Dolphins are making it interesting this year. Both the Jets and the Bills are young teams with tremendous upside for the future: developing quarterbacks and potentially solid running backs. Whichever team clicks first will become a real threat for at least a few years. I’d put my money on the Bills… ha, get it?! No seriously, I’m a huge Chad Pennington fan, but his propensity to get injured is too high. J.P. Losman, however, has shown great ability and continues to develop chemistry with his number one wide-out, Lee Evans.

PICK: The Jets have a better shot at the playoffs; the Jets will play more inspired; the Jets will win. Expect bad weather and a close, low-scoring game. Jets 10-3.

4 December 2006

[Sports]

Fantasy Update: Playoff Edition

By Ryan Kobane New UCLA Fan Let’s just hope by this time in your fantasy season you have secured a playoff spot; if you would have followed my predictions the first week you may just be in first place. Reading through my sleepers predictions is like a who’s who of fantasy gold right now: Frank Gore (called it), Willie Parker (called it), Reggie Brown (called it). And when I told you to stay as far as possible from the likes of Ron Dayne, Isaac Bruce, Chris Brown, Keenan McCardell, Joe Jurevicius, and most horrible of all, Carnell Williams, I really hope you listened.

So it’s that time of the year, when looking at each players match-up is more paramount then ever; you start the right guy against the wrong defense and it could lose you a championship.

I mean, other than LT and LJ, the fantasy world really hasn’t been that consistent this year, so when you’re looking at your team the morning of your first (and hopefully not last) playoff game of the season, it may do you some good to listen to a man that lives, breathes, and eats fantasy football. But honestly, go with your gut, cause I’m taking no responsibility for the homicidal rampage you take part in if you lose because of what I say next.

So this is what I did for ya; I single-handedly looked at every player in the NFL: I gave every one of them a personal phone call, you know, asked ‘em how they felt health wise. Then I looked at each player’s match-ups for weeks 14-16 (I really hope you don’t play in one of those lame ass leagues that play in week 17, if you do, read no further). So here it goes, my top 3 wideouts, quarterbacks, running backs, and a couple of sleepers that should earn you that much-anticipated trophy come week 16.

—Quarterbacks— 1) Peyton Manning- I almost didn’t want to put him on the list due to the sheer DUH factor, but he faces by far the easiest schedule the rest of the way, (Houston, Tennessee, and Cincinnati). The rich get richer. Lets just hope Addai doesn’t take away

I Fell In Love With A Sports Fan

By Shar Higa Mike Guardabascio’s Better Half Early in the morning, the TV goes on. It’s the Countdown to the Pregame, and it starts earlier than he would otherwise be up.

Some Sundays, he doesn’t even get out of bed—his alarm goes off, and he rolls over to grab the remote, barely disturbing the covers as he introduces loud men in gray suits into our bedroom. He pulls on his sweat pants and his 49ers jersey and tries to be quiet as the count ticks down towards kickoff. I am, of course, awake.

This isn’t something you can sleep through. This is sports, and this is our life.

At first I thought it was kind of funny. I could leave the house for hours and come back to find my Mike in the exact same place on the couch, the growing pile of peanut shells and gum wrappers being the only evidence he’d moved at all. During a playoff game I giggled as a tiny hole in the butt of his pants slowly became a gaping split with every reception, first down, and fumble. He wore his Niners socks down to transparency, but still pulled them on for every time Mooch’s team took the field. But then one game when the 49ers started advancing down the field towards an early

those ever-so-nice one yard TD’s Manning owners have gotten so used to.

2) Rex Grossman- See, this is where I come into play, you may have thought about benching poor Rex for the rest of the way, DON’T! (St. Louis, Tampa, and Detroit).

3) Brett Favre- It’s been hit or miss for the guy all season, but with the WR’s healthy, play Farve for all his 83-year-old arm is worth. (San Francisco, Detroit, Minnesota).

Sleeper: Matt Leinert- just do it!

—Running Backs— 1) Justin Fargas- I can’t believe I just wrote that! The kid could actually be a player that wins you a championship at the flex spot. This one I take no responsibility for by the way. (Cincinnati, St. Louis, and Kansas City).

2) Travis Henry- He doesn’t run against anyone that even comes close to knowing how to stop the run, well except Jacksonville, don’t start him week 15. Start this guy without hesitation against the rest, (Colts, Texans, Bills).

3) Frank Gore- The guy is tough, and by this time your team needs him to be really tough! (Green Bay, Seattle, Arizona).

Sleeper: Ladell Betts- (Philly, New Orleans, St. Louis), enough said.

—Wide Receivers— 1) TO- If the asshole can shut up for the rest of the season, he may just take the Cowboys all the way. (New Orleans, Atlanta, Philly) 2) Marques Colston- The guy is a rookie god, and if he can come back from an ankle injury by week 14, plan on a big next three weeks! (Dallas, Washington, New York Giants).

3) Donald Driver- It’s the same concept that makes Favre so valuable come playoff time. (San Francisco, Detroit, Minnesota).

Sleeper: Lee Evans- (Jets, Miami, Tennessee) No.1 choice for Losman looked good for the second straight week.

lead, Mike turned to me where I perched on the arm of the sofa and said, “Don’t move. You’re good luck.” And, as he adjusted his hat minutely to determine which angle best propelled his team to victory, I realized—this wasn’t a joke. This was love.

I know a lot of girlfriends who get pissed off at the role sports play in their man’s life. I admit, trying to fit a conversation into game breaks and halftimes can be frustrating. When he’s got his friends over and they’re trading stats or making predictions, there’s really nothing for me to do but sit. But my sports fan learned to listen to college a cappella so he could support me in what I loved, and learning to love the smack of a perfectly thrown football in the hands of an airborne receiver is the much smaller sacrifice.

Sports are easy to enjoy when you make even the slightest effort. Here’s a hint: whoever has the most points wins. Try and get excited about a close game or a thorough stomping. Even if you don’t know exactly how it happened, you know what a touchdown looks like. And caring even a little about a guy’s favorite sport can make him disproportionately happy. I sit down on the couch and cheer along with him. If I can’t stand to do that, I’m not a bitch about it: I get up, make him a snack, and go about my day. I chose not to be widowed by the football season. I fell in love with a sports fan, and I don’t stop loving him just because the game’s on.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

7

SHORT STORY SHOWCASE Illustration by Andrew Wilson

The Station Y

es, with Vitameatavegamin, you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a great big tablespoonful after every meal. Mmmmmm... It’s so tasty, too! Tastes just like candy!

“Ey, Alvin,” shouted Earl, the night manager for the Best Stop Gas and Lube, adjusting the reception on a small black and white television, “looks like you got a customer.”

Alvin tossed aside his broom and peered though the faded tobacco advertisements covering the front window of the station. An attractive woman in her forties stepped out of a virginal white Toyota Camry, cautiously watching her step as she circled around the rear of the car. Searching though her leopard-print clutch purse, Jessica pulled out a debit card and reached toward the pump. She paused, surprised to find that there was no slot for her card, nor were there any buttons or touch-screens.

Alvin watched intently as she inspected all sides of the pump before stepping through the front door. A small jingle announced his presence. “Howdy ma’am, what can I do you for?”

Jessica was short with Alvin, “Hi,” swinging out her debit card, “Where does this go?”

“Ha. Ma’am, we don’t take those here,” Alvin said, signaling over his shoulder with his thumb to a sign reading “Cash

The King And The Cup

Only.” “We’re cash only. You got cash don’t you?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Jessica, feeling herself growing upset. She swung open the door of her car and began rummaging around in the glove box, finding a few bills and a handful of change. “Here, how much does this buy?”

“Enough to get you to where you’re going,” replied Alvin.

“Fine,” snapped Jessica, now growing impatient with the slack-jawed attendant, “could you just go ahead and ring me up, I’m running late.”

“Sure thing ma’am, let me just reach by you here and gra–” “That’ll be fine,” interrupted Jessica, snatching the handle from Alvin’s reach, “I think I’ve got it from here.” Now squinting to read the name on the attendant’s shirt in the dim light, Jessica lowered her voice, asserting her request.

“Now, Alvin, if you could just run along and ring me up. I’d like a receipt if possible.”

Brushing off the front of his shirt and adjusting his cap, Alvin gathered himself, “Ma’am, I’m sure you’d do a damn fine dandy job at pumping your gas, but I take it you’re not from around here.” He motioned to the Camry’s Top-Valu Rent-A-Car license plate frame; “State law says I gotta pump the gas for you. It’s alright though, you can trust me, ma’am, I’ma professional.”

Reluctantly turning over the pump, Jessica stepped back around to the driver’s side of the car and allowed Alvin to finish his work. Lost in thought, Jessica set her attention to the small amount of light coming from Earl’s television while nervously fidgeting with her fingers. With a whistle, Alvin completed his task, and told Jessica she could be on her way.

“Looking for a bite to eat?” asked Alvin, catching Jessica off guard. “I mean, I noticed you were biting your fingernails, and my mama always said it’s better to eat a meal than to eat yo’ fingers.”

“Yeah, I guess I could use a bite to eat,” replied Jessica, slightly embarrassed to be receiving etiquette tips from a gas station attendant. “Know a place?”

“Sure do. Take this road right here down about a mile, then make a left on Main, you’ll see a little diner that makes the best damn flapjacks in the county on your right.” Alvin then reached his hand into his pocket and came around the front of the car, pulling out the cash Jessica just handed him.

“Here, this tank’s on the house.”

“What’s this for?” asked Jessica, reluctantly taking the crumpled bills from his hand.

“They don’t take cards, neither.”

T

here was once a rich industrialist who found his home on the shores of the North Sea. His grand manor stood far away from his factories and his smoke stacks; away from the perpetually gray skies, and closer to where the sun dips below the horizon while its purple and orange cape whips up behind it. Here was where he felt safe and conducted his various and immense duties.

In one of the many high-ceilinged rooms of his estate laid his wife, come down with a terminal illness. When doctors from Brussels and Paris declared her incurable, husband and wife cried together in an embrace. Her pale face would bulge over his shoulder desperately and he would pray to a God he couldn’t believe in. Despite his sorrow his smile persisted below his bristling mustache.

One evening, when the curtains stopped flooding into the room with the wind, she gave him the gift of a half liter glass, made of crystal and decorated elaborately. He treasured the cup from his wife, and at supper he sipped generously of its contents. When he noticed it was empty, the cup began to fill with tears. Later that night his wife passed with the wind, a shade past, carried over the sea with the dirty haze from the city.

After the body was interred, the businessman gathered his managers and executives from Brugge, Gent, and Antwerpen to his dining hall. It was here that he divided his dominion among his subjects.

Factories, capital, fields, and the lives of the poor parceled out, now distasteful to the mourning king of industry. This last meal was his most decadent, the reception carried on until the dawn when his knights, fat with beef and gold retired.

As the sun rose slowly from the east, rubbing its eyes and squinting from its own light, the capitalist walked to the cold morning beach. And taking sip from his beloved cup, the last remnant of a beauty relegated to memory, he threw it into the waves that lapped at his pant legs. He watched it flounder and sink under the salty surface that sprayed sea foam onto his already streaming face. When the last glint of glass reflected the sun and blinded his eyes, he fell deep into the tide, taking his final sip of life, never to drink again.

-By Michaël Veremans

Illustrations by Philip Vargas

8

–By Brian Dunning

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

4 December 2006

Sweet Rain T

he ship left Dakar off the North coast of Africa on what I can best reckon as August 18 of the year 1861. I can recall the faint cry of seagulls near the fading coast providing the winds section to the orchestra of waving and wailing family members, and unrequited lovers. Soon the crowd melted into the horizon and the only sound that could be heard was the creaking hull and the flapping sails. I tried to squint and imagine my mother– “Take them to the holds!” the bearish captain roared and with his giant arms he carried his bags to his quarters. He had been a successful trader for forty-seven hauls, something he was extremely prideful of. When Americans purchased a slave from the ship of Captain James Hunter they knew they were paying top dollar for premium workers. This was due to the selection process that each of his captives endured.

First we were lined up and weighed. Fewer than 135 pounds and you were passed, approximately that weight and you were given large crates to lift in order to test your strength and adequately tally your agility, and over the weight you were chosen without trial. Captain Hunter figured that if the slave proved unworthy during the journey, he could be killed and served as additional meat for the crew and cargo. Next, we were chained, one cuff around the left ankle and two shackles on the wrists.

During the first few days the skin would redden, scrape, and bleed but once the salt air entered the holds it worked as an airborne sting that was far worse than any flogging. Finally, after the first week at sea we were taken out onto the deck and lined up again. This time we were branded with a three-pronged iron that left the sign of the bear claw on our skin, burning for days and lasting forever. That was the mark of quality.

One day, about thirty-three tally marks from home, the ship boarded a new member of the crew. He came down to see us and I instantly liked him. He was a strangely pale man, tall and bald. His voice was loud but he spoke to us with a jolly air.

“Lads, look to the stars! It is there that you shall be free.”

He walked down the rows and stopped at me. “YOU shall be free.” He took my fettered hand and squeezed, his gold watch rattling like a bell. As he walked away and back up onto deck, I saw that on my hands lay his white strangeness, powder like and sweet as I took it on my tongue.

The night before it began I found a rat near my knee. I hadn’t eaten in two days and desperation had won over my soul and my now distended belly. I grabbed the thing and popped his head like the cherries that grow in African spring

and looked down into its body, but nothing was there. I dipped my finger into the blood and drew a watch onto my shackle.

I awoke the next morning to a violent shaking. The thunder echoed through the wooden cage and gunshots ripped through the winds. In the dark of morning I could not see anything. I pushed on the man to my left and quivering he cried, “I do not know! I do not know!” Just then the door to the hold exploded open and in ran a man unfamiliar at first. His skin was coal black save for thick clumps of white all over. His eyes darted left and right and then spotting me he ran to my side. Grabbing my arm, his watch gleamed, and he shouted, “Now! We must do it NOW! The rain, the rain! NOW!” The surprise storm had washed away his race and giving him sweet liberty.

“But, how?” I screamed in panic and confusion.

“The sugar. The rain. Now!” The crew, now shouting orders to one another from above, was the last to learn of his secret. As a special guest of Captain Hunter he was able to bunk with him. He waited until the last of the wine was spilled and then spilled his insides with a sword that hung above his mantle.

“My friend we are alone in the world. His time has gone and ours just arrived. Let us step foot on new ground free men. Come with me.”

“I do not understand. How? Who are you?”

“I am the sugar, and it is your time.” I looked down at my bloodstained clock and it was _ , same as the Sugarman’s golden piece. I was amazed and afraid, but desperation left me little choice but to follow him. He undid my ankle chain with the Captain’s key and we rushed up the stairs and into the fray. A large man came at me with the branding iron sizzling in the rain. The Sugarman’s leg stretched out and the man went flying overboard into the storm. I never heard a splash. I grabbed a sword from out of a crewman’s chest, the earlier work of my companion, and with

bonded hands loosed seventeen men’s hearts from their cages. I never stammered, never screamed. It was with a strange intimacy of confidence that I danced; not tribal, civilized. Like the traders danced, with happy hearts and colorful garb, mine a deep red.

The white now had the red, and that leads us to you. I can see your fear little one, but your eyes say more than your lips ever will. Their rare blue voice screams within all our veins. It is the sugar, the blood and the sea. The White, Red and Blue.

“NOW! The rain, the rain!” the Sugarman shouted from above.

–By Katie Wynne

Illustration by Andrew Wilson

Crepuscule, Euphony, Remembrance

W

e remember the first days a bit differently. I remember boxes and boxes and boxes stacked around our apartment, stiff cardboard sentinels awaiting orders. You remember we moved in together the day after the first day of summer.

We remember the incredible ease of earliness on mornings when we woke and did not work. I remember coffee. And you remember coffee, too.

I remember coming home early in the evening on a warm Saturday in mid July. I tippedtoed up the stairs, hoping to sneak up on you.

Instead, I found you sprawled in the middle of the living room asleep in the last light of the day, the cat snuggling beside you. I remember the cat woke up and slunk over to me. We decided to leave you sleeping. You remember waking up after sunset to the pop of a cork.

You remember you found me waiting for you.

We remember the smothering heat of summer and the utter incompetence of ceiling fans. I remember cursing our landlords.

You remember cursing our landlords, too.

You remember throwing open every window in our apartment and propping the doors as wide as they could possibly go.

We remember the subtle, savory breeze that rescued us each night for a week in late August. It blew in off the ocean and swept up the few short blocks from the harbor where it whispered through the plants you potted on the balcony and found its way into our living room. I remember the swish of the eucalyptus outside our kitchen window as it conspired with the twilight air. You remem-

ber the surprise of its pink blossoms.

You remember our first meal cooked on our new stove. How gingerly we prepared it, the two of us dancing clumsily around each other with wooden spoons and steaming colanders. I remember burning bread before we broke it.

We remember dessert. How our bodies pressed into one another against the fridge.

I remember the distinct sound our fingers made as they pushed through a white sea of tiny magnets, parting clusters of poems and spilling them onto the floor. You remember us after, sitting naked in our little kitchen, our backs against the cool surface of lacquered cabinetry, the flesh of our pale soft bottoms like cushions on clean new linoleum. The way I peered at you from under heavy eyelids, grinning as you showed me the fallen words: simple, with, vision, almost, matter, under, purple, time. euphony. I remember the tone of your voice when you asked me what that word meant. I remember begging you to repeat yourself. I wanted so much to make you understand that word the way I understood it. But when you asked me a second, and then a third time, the lilt in your voice had left. Then, when I finally told you what it meant, you burst into laughter. In that moment I remember a captivating charm returned to your voice. I remember euphony.

-By Joshua Peralta

Well, the results are in, the votes (mine) have all been tallied, and the product is before you: the Third Semesterly Union Short Story Contest is a smashing success. I would like to personally thank everyone who submitted, for giving me over twenty great stories, and making it hard as hell to pick the winners.

I’d also like to extend my thanks to my always lovely assistant, Shar Higa, who took all your submissions and organized them into anonymous little packages for me to sort through. Her help every semester makes this contest possible. Now I’ll just have to figure out how to pay out the $100 I owe the winners above. A thanks also to Josh Peralta, winner of the first contest, for coming back to our pages to show off his talents once again.

On a final note, I’d like to dedicate this contest to Phil Guardabascio, who probably would have thought this was pretty cool.

–Mike Guardabascio

4 December 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9

Wolf Eyes @ The Echo

Monday4 The Color Turning: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Death Cab for Cutie: Terrace Theatre-- Long Beach Convention Center $29.50, 8pm Palehorse: Showcase Theatre $10, 7pm Andre Rieu: Honda Center (Arrowhead Pond) $40-60, 8pm, two nights Metal Skool: Key Club $15, 9pm Pit Er Pat: The Smell $5, 9pm

Tuesday5

T

Death Cab for Cutie: UCI Bren Events Center $28, 8pm Gob Iron: Troubadour $15, 8pm At Battles End: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Gregg Allman & Friends: Galaxy Theatre $55, 8pm The New Cars, Persephone’s Bees: HOB Sunset $50, 8pm

Wednesday6 Gary Allan: Ventura Theatre $45-55, 7pm Panic! At the Disco: Long Beach Arena $22.50-29.50, 7pm Jagermeister Music Tour feat. Slightly Stoopid and Pepper: Wiltern LG $25, 7:30pm Nightengales, Flashby Image: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Primus: Hollywood Palladium $35, 7:30pm The Colour: Troubadour $10, 8pm The Disco Biscuits: Roxy Theatre $17, 8pm Dierks Bentley: Gibson Amphitheatre $27.50-37.50, 8:15pm Amos Lee: El Rey Theatre $24, 9pm

Thursday7

Robin Thicke

The Evolution Of Robin Thicke

The Faint, Ladytron: Hollywood Palladium $20, 7pm Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, and more: Honda Center $55-150, 6pm Children of Bodom: HOB Anaheim $23, 7pm A Heartwell Ending: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Amy Millan (Stars): Troubadour $12, 8pm Enrique Iglesias: Wiltern LG $39.50-49.50, 8pm KT Tunstall: Key Club $25, 8pm Napalm Death: Galaxy Theatre $17.50, 8pm

Interscope Records

Reviewed By Matthew Blanche In a time when the mainstream R&B scene is dominated by up-and-coming pop idols equipped with their bump-n-grind dance acts and overproduced club bangers that satisfy the ears of the young crowd, it is refreshing when someone comes along who exemplifies this contemporary style while still bringing that old school essence and class to the music world. The Evolution of Robin Thicke, the self-identified artist’s second album, boasts a diverse array of self-produced songs that have an almost timeless classic nature about them.

Friday8 Eighteen Visions: Glass House $15, 7pm Gin Blossoms: HOB Anaheim $27.50, 7pm Outbreak: Showcase Theatre $12, 7pm Strung Out: Chain Reaction $15, 730pm Aquabats: El Rey Theatre $16.50, 8pm Black Label Society: Wiltern LG $30, 8pm Brett Dennen: Troubadour $12, 8pm Damien Rice: Orpheum Theatre $33-38, 8pm Kottonmouth Kings: Galaxy Theatre $25, 8pm Lutheran Gun Club: The Smell $5, 9pm Ziggy Marley: Avalon Hollywood $36, 8pm

Unlike seminal album Source Tags & Codes, So Divided does not work in its entirety as it lacks cohesion in most part due to the eclectic variety of influences and sounds throughout this, their fifth full-length release.

Moments of inspiration become apparent on “Wasted State of Mind,” an anthemic blockbuster of song that is far better than their chosen single, “So Divided,” a generic EMOtive token track that will undoubtedly go down well with the hoards of kids that like talking about their feelings. The Beatles-edged quirky blues of “Eight Days of Hell” and then the lost sentiment of hollow “Witches Web” further unravels the effort the band whose initiative and experimentation has earned them acclaim in the past, but now seems to have led

Saturday9 The Faint: Glass House $18, 7pm Bullets n Octane: Chain Reaction $10, 7:30pm Nilbog: The Smell $5, 9pm The Little Ones: The Echo $10, 8:30pm Dead Meadow: Troubadour $13, 8pm Tea Leaf Green: Roxy Theatre $17, 8pm Trey Anastasio: Ventura Theatre $38, 8pm Which One’s Pink, Led Zepagain: Galaxy Theatre $19.50, 8pm Shooter Jennings: El Rey Theatre $17.50, 9pm Occult Wonderland: Shrine Auditorium $38-128, 7pm

My Chemical Romance The Black Parade Reprise Records

Sunday10

Reviewed By Jenny Long

Public Enemy: HOB Sunset $30, 8pm Trey Anastasio: Wiltern LG $39.50, 8pm Element Band: Orpheum Theatre $18-48, 6pm Musica Angelica presents Baroque Fanfare: Schoenberg Hall--UCLA $20-45, 4pm Showcase Showdown: Showcase Theatre $9, 5:30pm

10

he Echo might be the best venue in Los Angeles.

It has a great intimate setting without being too snobby or seedy, but the location alone does not a great concert make. What set this night apart from the hundreds of shows that have taken place on the Echo’s hallowed stage? Two words: Wolf Eyes.

The show started off with a great set by Great Northern, who acknowledged early on that they felt a bit out of place with the biggest and baddest from Detroit. They put on a clinic for all future shoegaze bands by taking advantage of an extensive array of effects pedals, and playing through their extensive spacey catalog. The audience seemed to be very receptive despite their intense departure from the Wolf Eyes style. As soon as Great Northern’s set was over, the crowd got ready for pure noise from Sick Lama, Raven Strain, and Wolf Eyes. Sick Lama was a quick kaos pad driven explosion of noise, which was decent but visually uninteresting, as it was just one man and a machine. Raven Strain was a similar set up but his

Close the blinds, grab your eyeliner and put on your Hot Topic goth-inspired threads to prepare yourself for My Chemical Romance’s latest release, The Black Parade.

With feats that have been accomplished previously by bands such as The Who and Green Day, MCR took the same approach with a rock opera depicting a terminally ill patient reflecting on his miserable existence. Person-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

brand of noise was seemingly more brutal.

As the legends from Michigan set up the crowd went absolutely nuts, almost mirroring the assault of noise about to be released. The most frightening thing about Wolf Eyes, is that they are not masked men, like Gwar or Slipknot, they do not need to result to gimmicks to be successful. For those who are not familiar with the Wolf Eyes sound, it can best be compared to the ambient noise from your favorite brutal horror film, all the creaks all the drills, and all the blood curdling screams. The band started building that precious tension they strive for with the first song of the set with blips and whirs from the bands sick instruments. The band tore through some fan favorites like, “stabbed in the face,” which is on the short list for most brutal songs ever recorded. Wolf Eyes was by turns focused during there songs and interactive and witty during breaks. Wolf Eyes brought a truly unique and vicious experience to The Echo.

–By Michael Mermelstein

Though there is surely no lack of catchy dance tracks that will keep your feet moving and head bobbing, Robin Thicke does not extend himself too far, managing to stay grounded with simple songs that exude soul.

Thicke’s falsetto compliments the silky guitar and lustrous piano instrumentation wonderfully.

True to its title, the album takes the listener on a journey (albeit a lengthy one) through various atmospheres, exploring different moods and concepts.

Though the extensive 16-track project yields a bit of filler material, by the end of the album, the charming piano backdrop marks the culmination of an evolution of the artist and listener both. With this quality sophomore effort, Robin Thicke crafts a sound laced with upbeat tunes and sultry ballads that define the unique sophistication that characterizes his style. The musical dexterity of this soulful stud will contribute to his artistic longevity, making him a talent to take notice of now and in the future.

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead So Divided

Interscope Records Reviewed By Katy Thomas them astray. “Sunken Dreams” is perhaps the only track testament to their ability to display their unique song writing skills while pushing musical boundaries and bridging genres. It makes an epic end to an album that otherwise leaves little to be desired. ally I’m a fan of the pinball wizard, and this will never compare. Oh, how quickly we forget anything brilliant that has been done more than 5 years ago. MCR took on another concept for this album: creating a persona for the whole band as the Black Parade. Sgt. Pepper Lonely Heart’s Club Band, anyone?

Pre-teens that are pre-disposed for anger management class will find solace in My Chemical Romance’s latest, with lyrics they’ll think somehow mirrors the anguish they’ve felt inside in their long fifteen years on earth. Most tracks have a towering chord progressions much like Queen paired with an 80s hair metal band, but towards the end of the album MCR regresses back to the melancholy whining we know and love. And although the musicianship is impressive, you will not find this compact disc anywhere near my precious car stereo.

4 December 2006

Minus The Beer Indie band Minus The Bear discusses In-N-Out, fashion and ale.

H

e stands there in white pants, holding out two different belts and describing how his shirt will be white as well. I convince him that the brown leather belt is the best choice, because the white one would just hide itself.

Nearby, his friend sits slouched in an armchair, surveying the painstaking process. It might sound a bit strange, but if you were about to play a sold-out show in front of hundreds of fans, you’d be doing the same thing. It just shows how detailed Minus the Bear can get.

Bassist Cory Murchy is the one weighing his belt options.

After he agrees to go for the brown he takes a seat on the couch of the El Rey’s dressing room, set 20 feet above the stage. His friend, drummer Erin Tate, is the one in the armchair, holding an unlit cigarette and an open Red Bull from which he occasionally swigs. When I invite him to smoke, he tells me he’s not allowed to here, though the room smells faintly of weed and musty cigarettes. Fellow band member Alex Rose, who plays keyboard, comes in and sits quietly on the floor, leaning against the wall between a small table laden with sandwich fixings and a mini fridge stocked with Coronas, bottled water and more energy drinks.

“You can ask us any questions,” Cory reassures me. They’re used to the interviews. Cory, Erin and Alex, along with guitarist Dave Knudson and singer Jake Snider, who also plays guitar, enjoy wide success. Occasionally, Dave and Jake wander in but don’t linger. Since releasing their first album, “This Is What I Know About Being Gigantic,” in 2001, the band has developed a respectable fan base that stretches from their home state of Washington to across the Atlantic and beyond.

Eclectricity

Minus the Bear distinguishes itself by its technical, smoothly complex sounds and ever-maturing subject matter.

Tonight, they play the second L.A. show of their two-monthlong tour that began in October in Chicago and ends next month in London.

“The tour’s been going very very well and it’s been really fun,” Erin says. “The bands that we’re on tour with, we handpicked out everyone from not only music that we like but people that we like as well.”

Together with instrumental band Russian Circles, the Velvet Teen and rapper P.O.S., they perform these last few dates before holing up in February for two months to record their sixth album, with help from producer and former member Matt Bayles and their friend Chris.

The line-up is as eclectic as they are. “We like everything,” Cory declares.

Erin agrees. “In our van, you’ll hear a heavy metal song, and then a rap song, and then an R&B song, and then a country song, and then a rock song, and an indie rock song, and a...” he trails off.

“A reggae song,” Cory suggests.

“A reggae song,” Erin echoes, laughing. “There’s no, like, ‘influence’, necessarily. Everyone goes through phases of listening to different kinds of stuff.”

“I think in a lot of ways we all kind of, like, turn each other on to different stuff that we wouldn’t necessarily know about,” Cory explains. They cringe when I ask them how they would classify their music.

“It’s tough ‘cause I mean, we’re in the middle of it,” Cory says. “It’s hard to kind of sit back and look at it as in, ‘Oh... we’re classic rock from the future.’”

“Classic rock of the future,” Erin corrects him. They question which is the right preposition, at which point Alex, who has been silent so far, speaks up.

“Of. Of,” he says. They tell me that he’s the author of that phrase, introducing him as “our friend Alex.”

“He’s the new guy,” Erin adds.

“Is it OK if I join this interview?” Alex asks.

“You’re in the band, man,” says Erin, at the same time that Cory grins, “We’ll high-five you in, man.” They do that a lot, helping each other finish thoughts and affirming one another’s opinions. You can tell they’ve been around each other a long time. They’re no strangers to their fellow tourmates, either.

“We’ve toured with the Velvet Teen a couple times,” Erin says. “Played like a million shows with them. Judah and Josh [two of the members] both sang on our record. They’re some real good friends. We had the Russian Circles on our last tour.”

“And P.O.S. has been no different,” Cory assures me. “I mean, that whole camp has been instantly, you know, bro, killer. Fuckin’...dude.”

“This tour has been really awesome,” Erin says. “Not only is all the music great, and like, the shows are great, but all the people that are on the tour really are awesome. It’s pretty rad.

I feel lucky.”

4 December 2006

I’ll drink it

Article and Interview by Christine Hodinh

It’s not all excitement and partying, though. With touring comes inevitable disadvantages. They’re quick to list them.

“Long drives, fast food,” Cory begins.

“Fast food, bad foods, not getting enough sleep,” Erin continues.

“I’m getting trapped up in all the writing, as well,” Alex offers. “I take my keyboard in and try to do stuff, but i never do.”

Erin finally sums it up. “The perpetual hurry up and wait, everyday. Like, hurry up, get to the club—uh, wait. Hurry up—uh, wait wait wait wait. And just so much downtime but you can’t really do anything.”

“But it’s a damn fun job,” Cory says.

“It is, it’s great,” Erin confirms.

They can’t think of any really crazy fan stories, which could be construed as a plus. “Sometimes they stalk us at InN-Out burger,” Cory says. “It’s a little weird.” When I ask them what they eat at home, because Washington suffers the great setback of not housing any In-N-Outs, Cory impresses me by pronouncing the name of a Vietnamese restaurant correctly.

And since we’re on the subject of fine dining, I ask about their favorite beer. That perks them right up.

“I’ve been digging the Tecate or Pacifico. Mexican beer.

Any kind of Mexican beer,” Cory immediately answers.

“Japanese beer,” Erin says. “Sapporo. Kirin’s pretty good.

Or Tsingtao. Chinese beer.”

“Isn’t that Thai?” I ask (I’m wrong), launching them into a discussion.

“I think it’s Chinese, isn’t it? Or is it Thai?” Erin asks.

“Uh, there’s...what’s the Thai one...I think...yeah, um...” Cory starts.

“I don’t know. Whatever. I’ll drink it,” Erin finishes, settling the matter, and Cory nods.

“Beer is beer. No big deal.”

I love L.A.

It’s not the first time Minus the Bear has headlined a tour, and they like it that way. They laugh when I ask them if they like playing festivals.

“Festivals are a tricky one,” Cory says carefully, smiling.

“Yeah. I hate playing festivals,” Erin admits.

“I think I liked one festival and that was Coachella,” Cory concedes.

Erin explains. “I like doing these headlining shows. One of the reasons I like doing it personally so much is that, like, you kind of get to call the shots a little more, you know? And like, when there’s some douchebag fucking bouncer guy you can just be like, ‘get this guy out of here.’” The others, somewhat unnervingly, say “get him out of here!” as Erin says it, but maybe I should be used to it by now.

They joke when I add that the fans are mostly there for them if they’re headlining. “Yeah. In theory,” Erin says.

They’re loyal to their fan base, too. I ask about their favorite city and Cory asks what city we’re in. I get a big response when I tell him.

“L.A. I looooooove L.A.!” he enthuses.

“Wait, this is coming out of L.A., right?” Erin asks cautiously.

(Meanwhile) “Yeah, L.A. I love it. LOS ANGELES!” “Actually, it’s coming out of Long Beach,” I tell him.

“LONG BEACH! LBC! What uuup!” Cory shouts.

“There you go, that’s my favorite city,” Erin says.

“Yeah, shout out to Long Beach. Woo!”

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

It’s happening.

As great as the tour is going, however, they can’t wait for Washington.

“It’s bittersweet,” Cory says.

“Totally. I’m excited to like, sleep in one place for more than a night,” Erin adds. “That’s pretty exciting for us. You know, not feeling like you’re going crazy and on the move constantly.”

“It’s gonna be sad to end it,” Cory concludes.

As we wrap up the interview, we all thank each other and Erin kindly reassures me that they had just finished sound check, so if traffic hadn’t held me up I would have been waiting for them anyway. He turns to Cory and says, “OK, I’m going to go have a cigarette now.”

“Good,” Cory replies.

“It’s happening,” he presses.

“It’s happening? It’s happening?” Cory asks.

“I think it’s happening.”

Finally, I ask if they have anything to say to Union Weekly readers. Cory says without hesitation, “What up, LBC?”, but Erin furrows his brow.

“Um...No,” he says.

“What up LBC!” Later, I remember: the Thai beer was Singha.

“This is gonna be nuts”

At this point there’s no stopping these people. They swell the room and elbow for spots closer to the front, even during P.O.S.’s set, and by the time he’s finished to thunderous applause the floor is packed solid with sweat for glue. I listen to the expert opinions of those around me.

“This is gonna be nuts.”

“They’re really good live.”

“The bass lines are like, brilliant!”

And with deafening cheers, Minus the Bear begins their long-awaited set.

There’s a reason they’re headlining shows now—they sweep the crowd up, hugging them with steady rhythms and whispering soft lyrics into their ears. The songs are so catchy that during Dave’s guitar solo, you can hear the audience singing along (picture Strong Bad “meedley”-ing). In the middle of the stage are the two tigers, half-empty beer bottles strewn by the amps, some of them tipped over.

Smoke curls around them and once again, they display their disorienting synchronicity, often stepping forward or backward at the same time. The audience is one huge, rolling, wonderful sweaty mess at this point, the twinkling lights from around Erin’s bass drum reflecting in their eyes. The playing gets more intense, more frantic, as sweat beads on Cory’s face and Jake’s hair falls in his eyes. As Jake sings, his lips are pressed against the mic, his eyes closed in concentration. The audience is enthralled, and Minus the Bear knows how to satisfy them.

At separate points, members from the Velvet Teen and Russian Circles join them, turning the stage into a massive explosion of talent. Even the strobes were dancing. After they leave and come back for their encore, throwing foam “Minus the Bear” paws into the crowd, they play “Pachuca Sunrise” to excited yells and finish playing at the stroke of midnight. The emptied venue looks like Times Square on January 1st, and you’re left reeling, wondering just what exactly happened. Maybe Minus the Bear put it best: “at this moment from where I sit, nothing here seems real.”

11

Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates

Review of For Your Consideration

That’s My Bush!

The Definitive Collection

By Vincent Girimonte

Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone Retail Price: $26.99

F

or many good people, the name Christopher Guest is synonymous with comic brilliance. With his ensemble of Hollywood B-listers, Guest has made the mockumentary an art form: a rise to stardom firmly rooted in the masterpiece This is Spinal Tap, in which he co-wrote and acted in.

In his latest film, For Your Consideration, which was co-written by Eugene Levy, Guest abandons the mockumentary format, but not his cast or genius. Catherine O’Hara plays Marilyn Hack, a washedup Hollywood star reluctant to accept the rising Oscar buzz her latest film, Home for Purim, is creating in Tinsel town. The film is a drama set in the South, dealing with a Jewish family distraught over a dying mother, a war, and a recently out of the closet lesbian daughter. Hack, along with stars Victor Allen Miller (Harry Shear) and Callie Webb (Parker Posey) are soon subjected to the Hollywood press that never before bothered to cover their floundering careers. Guest himself plays the director of Home for Purim, Jay Berman, who struggles to protect his artistic license from those who wish to destroy him, which appears to be every living thing.

The ball is in motion. Oscar nominations are in the works for the cast, and the painstakingly bad Home for Purim continues to inflate egos to unprecedented heights.

With the impending success, we see the cast fall victim to the Hollywood press, which was all too predictable and deliciously funny. As the nominations approach, Hack has manifested into a fame-seeking, silicon-filled wilting flower who often daydreams about her certain red carpet appearance. Miller is also a stranger to good press. Most famous for his hot dog commercials, the over-the-hill Miller suddenly finds himself in the dangerous studios of TRL,

surrounded by cheering teenage girls, dapperly dressed in clothes that belong on somebody half his age. Levy and Guest pull no punches when criticizing the Hollywood press machine and the power it holds over films. Home for Purim was subtly changed to Home for Thanksgiving by a studio exec played by Ricky Gervais, implying that Hollywood remains an anti-Semitic community.

It’s no surprise that Home for Thanksgiving flopped, with Hack being snubbed for a nomination. The aftermath means a return to obscurity for the cast, their last hope of stardom gone forever. Fred Willard plays an Entertainment Tonight-type host, malicious in his pursuit of the suffering celebrity. Seeing Fred Willard in a bleached faux-hawk is probably the best part of the film.

Forget the plot, For Your Consideration is built on its character’s inability to cope with their emotional problems, which sounds very cruel, and probably is; but the driving force behind their problems belongs to the Hollywood media, intent on building hype at any expense.

If you’ve never seen a Guest film, do not let this be your first and last. It is definitely a funny, well-acted film, but nowhere near his best. More than anything, I appreciate this film. Please continue making movies, Mr. Guest. I enjoy the sound of laughter that doesn’t come at my expense.

During the presidential election of 2001, South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker began putting the pieces together to produce a sitcom for Comedy Central based in the White House. Unfortunately, they were missing one important piece: a president. When George W. Bush finally came out on top in late 2000, That’s My Bush was born and eight episodes of the show were produced. It was cancelled after one season due to both high episode costs and the events of September 11th.

While “The Definitive Collection” packaging implies that it’s a politically charged series along the lines of The West Wing, That’s My Bush is more a parody of sitcom clichés than it is an indictment of the Bush Administration. The first episode finds President Bush – played by presidential doppelganger Timothy Bottoms – literally needing to be in two places at the same time, with hilarious results.

Taking a page out of The Flintstones’ playbook, Bush races back and forth from a dinner with wife Laura to save his marriage and an abortion summit in the main dining room in an attempt to unite an aborted fetus (Pro-Life) and a butch lesbian (Pro-Choice).

As if parodying television norms weren’t enough, Parker and Stone also cannot resist flexing some satirical muscle and each episode takes on a hot-button issue, including gun control and capital punishment among others. All while the bumbling president and his staff (sidekick Karl Rove, a sassy maid named Maggie, and a bombshell secretary named Princess) engage in a series of wacky scenarios appreciated by an annoying studio audience. Quite possibly one of the more brilliant jokes in the series is the fake studio audience’ “woo” for the buxom Princess whenever she enters the scene.

And what would a sitcom be if there weren’t a wacky neighbor bursting through the front door? Enter Larry O’Shea, the White House’s next-door neighbor always ready with a joke. (“Hey, George, it’s your favorite neighbor! Say, you got some snoo on your lawn.” “What’s snoo, Larry?” “Nothing, what snoo with you?”) That type of thing.

Each episode on the “The Definitive Collection” also features mini-commentary tracks by Matt Stone, Trey Parker and the rest of the cast. Fans familiar with the mini-commentary tracks for the South Park box sets will know that they only last a few minutes at the beginning of each episode, but the true value of this box set really lies in the brilliance of all eight episodes.

–By Brian Dunning

Down in the Valley

Starring Edward Norton and Evan Rachel Wood Retail Price: $27.98

Faulty Towers

A Review of The Architect A lot of factors contribute to the disintegration of a neighborhood—gangs, drug abuse, state neglect, poverty—that rapidly turn it into a slum. The same goes for movies: combine uninspired characters, a distorted plot, and poor editing, and even the best actors wither.

The Architect, Matt Tauber’s feature-film directorial debut based on David Greig’s play, struggles throughout to bridge the wide expanse between race and class, between sexuality and status, but consistently falls short.

The story veers between two spheres: one, the hushed tony life of architect Leo Waters (Anthony LaPaglia) and his family and the other, a grimy housing development named Eden Court in Chicago, which Waters designed in his early days. Tonya Neeley (Viola Davis), a fiercely protective mother living in the projects, wants to see the buildings razed in the hopes that the area’s crime and gloomy reputation are eradicated in the process.

Ignoring angry neighbors and menacing local gangs,

12

Tonya pursues her quest with the determination of a grieving mother seeking absolution (which, incidentally, she is). The petition that she’s passing around, though, lacks one influential signature: that of the architect. The underlying tension within both groups intensifies in a torturously slow boil when Tonya finally contacts Leo. Tonya’s daughter, living with a friend in order to attend a better school, inadvertently reveals her embarrassment of her mother. Leo’s daughter, physically mature but emotionally naïve, desperately chases men. One by one, the Waters’ pristine façade crumbles as efficiently as Tonya wishes Eden Court would.

Despite valiant efforts by the cast, which includes the venerable Isabella Rossellini, The Architect misses that crucial energy, that force behind any notable drama.

There’s a detachment in watching these characters toil through their conflicts, a hollow ring in their emotions.

As Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is mentioned, so these characters crave the motivation to achieve self-actualization. They never find it, but they have accepted that they won’t: the first step to reaching their fullest potential.

Cowboys are Gun-toatin’, whiskey-drinkin’, cigarette smokin’, horse-ridin’ individuals: icons like Dirty Harry and Butch Cassidy usually come to mind walking the streets with a stiff-legged swagger that commands respect. Cowboys’ need a 5 o’clock shadow at noon, and should dance the two-step with ease. It’s charisma; every cowboy has it. Maybe it’s the way in which the drawl comes out, or the ten-gallon hat that just slightly obscures one eye, only adding too their allure?

But never does a picture of Edward Norton show up in ones imagination when the word cowboy is uttered; that is until now.

Making the San Fernando Valley look and feel potently alive, classically beautiful, and altogether reminiscent of a modern day Santa Fe at times, Down in the Valley creates one of the most vivid images of confusion and rebellion that has been portrayed on film in some time. Norton’s character, Harlan Carruthers, is a cowboy at heart, but in reality is just a valley-kid who’s watched to many Clint Eastwood movies. While Harlan plays the part of a chivalrous cowboy drifter to a tee, there is no doubt that during the entire movie you are expecting him to be either an escaped mental patient or a serial killer. At times, Harlan’s character is weighed down by lengthy, melodramatic dialogue, and oversimplified justifications for his mid-western mentality; this undoubtedly hurts the film.

While Norton received top billing for his portrayal of an urban cowboy, the films strongest performance may have come from his underage girlfriend Tobe, played by Evan Rachel Wood. She struggles mightily with a father that is none to happy about his daughter dating what has to be a thirty-something man, and a damaged brother who clings to her almost to the point of nausea. Ranging from a sultry temptress to a scared teenager, Wood’s performance is very solid and shows that this young actress will be around for a long time.

The entire movie could have been better, but with strong performances across the board, any independent film buff should enjoy Down in the Valley. But be warned, rather than satisfaction, will be felt by the time the credits roll.

–By Christine Hodinh

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

–By Ryan Kobane

4 December 2006

Reel News Apocalypto

R From acclaimed director/Christian enthusiast Mel Gibson, comes another film that you are going to have to read on screen in order to enjoy. As Gibson tells the story through the eyes of one man who is caught in the turbulent times that surround the end of the Mayan empire, he is able to truly depict what the lack of Christianity in such trying times can do to the heathen hordes. If you’re looking for a symbolically preachy art film this coming weekend then go see Apocalypto and don’t forget to bring your sacrificial hearts.

Jackman and Weisz Time-Travel Speed A Review of The Fountain

D

arren Aronofsky’s The Fountain takes you on a starry eyed adventure through time and space. As you sit through the movie, the fragmented plotline takes you from the 16th century, to present day, all the way into the distant future where nothing is left but a man and a tree. When it comes down to it, The Fountain is an art film.

This isn’t a bad thing, but it does mean that it will be shunned by most, leaving only a select few to embrace its strange ways.

What will throw off most is that the film revolves around a love story between Thomas (Hugh Jackman) and his wife Izzy (Rachel Weisz), whose love seems to transcend time and space. While Jackman’s character desperately attempts to find a cure for his dying wife in the present, the viewer is ricocheted back and forth between coinciding tales set in the past and future. In a story written by Izzy set in the 16th century, Jackman plays a conquistador who sets out for the Amazon in search of the tree of life in order to bestow immortality upon his queen, played by Weisz. At the same time 500 years in the future, a bald and spaced out yoga-meditating Jackman hurtles through space encased in a giant bubble with a tree toward a dying star shrouded within a mysterious yellow nebula.

A major downfall of the film is that even when you think you have an idea of what is going on, Aronofsky manages to shift things around just enough to leave you questioning whether he knows this is meant to be just one movie. This irritation doesn’t cease after being bombarded for an hour and thirty-five min-

Unaccompanied Minors

Photo Courtesy Warner Bros.

utes by three fragmented plotlines that seem to have been assembled by a deaf, dumb, and blind butcher. The only thing more bothersome than the barrage of storylines is alack of sequences within these storylines that would have solidified the film and given the viewer a sense of resolution and fulfillment walking out of the theater.

Visually speaking, Aronofsky did an amazing job, considering the budget that he had to work with in the end. The futuristic scenes are beautifully rendered and awe inspiring. The simplicity of the scenes allow for complete an utter focus to be directed to Jackman and his interaction with the dying tree and memories of his past. The most amazing scenes revolved around the dying star and the tree set in the past and future. It is easy for one to realize that this is where most of the special effects budget went, and with good reason. Aronofsky’s direction brings the viewer in to idolize the

heavenly bliss of the cosmos and the bountiful beauty of the earth. In the heavens and on the earth, life revolves around a cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

If you can look past the fact that this is a love story, then you are in good shape. Don’t walk into this movie and expect to leave fulfilled or satisfied because that wasn’t the goal of the director. Aronofsky’s goal was to bestow upon the viewer an experience that they are meant to take with them as they leave the theatre. Wrought with symbolism and deeper meaning, this is the type of film that demands to be watched over and over again in order to grasp the entirety of the work. This is definitely not the type of film that you should take little Timmy to as an after-school treat, unless you want to be pummeled with an onslaught of questions about what is going on.

-By Philip Vargas

PG Another holiday film being released weeks before Christmas rolls around.

This steaming pile of cheer follows the story of a group of kids locked in an airport the day after Christmas as they are shuffled from one divorced parent to the other for the holidays. This Holiday wonder is bound to join the ranks of other timeless classics such as Ernest Saves Christmas and Christmas Vacation II.

Blood Diamond

R Diamonds can be a girl’s best friend and an Africans most bitter enemy. Set in the war-torn times that surrounded Sierra Leon in the 1990s, Blood Diamond tells the story of a rare pink diamond and how it links two Africans and a reporter, all in pursuit of it for their own unique reasons. How can the pain of thousands really be worth the wealth their suffering brings to the few? Sometimes the price of something so precious isn’t worth the cost it takes to possess it.

What A “S”hit Ending A Review of Superman 2: The Richard Don-

The original version of Superman 2 that came out in theaters doesn’t make much sense. That’s because the first director, Richard Donner, was kicked off the movie, leaving Warner Bros. to hire a new director to come in and pick up where he left off. Unfortunately the new guy on the scene added in some whacky hijinks and made it so that if Superman fucked Lois Lane, he’d lose all his powers and become human. What? They didn’t even bother to explain that with their own bullshit Super-logic. Apparently Lois has got some kryptonite-lined vaginal walls.

Obviously Superman 2 is a wonderful film, but it leaves much to be desired. Fans over the years have been clamoring for Richard Donner’s original cut to be pieced together and put out. Most thought it wouldn’t see the light of day, but after the release of Superman Returns and Warner Bros. subsequently being bombarded with fanfare, the studio finally agreed to let Donner find his old movie reels and piece together his version of film. His 2-hour version of Superman 2 coincides with the release of Superman Returns on DVD as well as being included in the new Superman Ultimate Collector’s Edition DVD set.

For the most part, Donner’s Superman 2 is much better than the theatrical cut of Superman 2 that we all grew up with. This version doesn’t drag on, it (under its own logic) makes sense, has a more coherent story, and has that overall classic Superman feel, reminis-

Fed TV

cent of the first film and all the great comics. But there’s one catch: the end sucks. It’s a cop-out. I won’t tell you exactly what happens because you should really go see it for yourself. It’s ridiculous, but the rest of the movie was so much better than the original version I couldn’t complain too much.

Although, there are some scenes that have been taken out from the original that will annoy the occasional viewer. The opening scene in Paris with the terrorists at the Eiffel Tower got booted. Along with a few of the scenes of General Zod and his crew playing with us “earthlings” before taking over the world. However, so many of the new scenes that have been put in their place are much more satisfactory.

The scene where Lois finds out Superman and Clark are one and the same is jaw-dropping. So if you are a fan of the original Superman 2, or if you’ve never seen a Superman movie, you should give this new version a try. But remember to tie a towel around your neck first.

-By Mike Pallotta

pull up a stool with caroline sinay The Exchange Hookah Lounge & Emporium Having problems figuring out what to do on a Friday night?

Let me see: you’re too broke for the leisure’s of 2nd street, you’re underage, your Myspace friends ditched you, and the clubbing scene Avec leather pants and techno music isn’t cracking it for you?

Fear not my penniless amigos, for I have one word for you…

HOOKAH! This smoking experience filled with ultra long Egyptian pipes and mystical smoke, has been the pastime for over 500 years with origins stretching as far as the Middle East. Hookah, pronounced “hoo-kuh”, is fast becoming a popular activity for its taste and convenience. Downtown Long Beach sports its own full hookah bar complete with live music and entertainment, hookah merchandise and ice chambers. Located between 5th and 6th on Pine, The Exchange boasts over 25 flavors both exotic and regu-

4 December 2006

lar with exceptional delights such as “Sex on the Beach” (mind you non-alcoholic… pity), “Superman” and my all-time favorite “Green Ghost”.

The tobacco which is filtered through water and considerably less harmful than cigarette smoke (that was said for the health conscious nut), produces a kick-ass taste and experience.

So don’t let your empty pockets and lack of transportation hinder you from having an effing fantastic Friday night. Just get off your lazy ass, round up the fellow myspacers, take a ride in the wonderful public limo, split the $8 hookah, and you’re all set to go. Trust me, it’s not going to get any simpler than this.

517 Pine Avenue Long Beach 562-436-0040

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

After suffering bouts of cooter exposure and Hilton molestation, it looks like Britney, who just celebrated her twenty-fifth birthday on Saturday, will have to endure further grief in the form of a new reality show starring Fed-ex. The San Francisco Chronicle has reported that Kevin Federline has been in talks with House of Carters producer Kenneth Crear. We can look forward to a half-hour long epic about being broke, disliked, and pretty stoked about wearing your hat slightly to the side.

Federline is also being accused of cheating on his former wife with porn star, Kendra Jade. You may remember Kendra from such classics as 100% Blowjobs 4, The Sopornos, and Ass Clowns. The validity of the affair could have an affect on the judges decision to grant custody rights to Spears during the final gavel dropping (not to be confused with Dropping Loads 2, which also starred Jade).

Lohan: Fully Loaded

Lindsay Lohan has chucked the bottle for good. Lohan’s mother has given an official statement verifying her daughter’s involvement in the AA program. Was this sparked by the alleged bitch-slap of Paris Hilton, or maybe the kleptomania that is causing Lindsay to steal all of innocent Spears’s unmentionables? Perhaps, but Lohan’s publicist assured the Associated Press that Lohan is certainly not ready to give up the drink completely, assuring that, “it’s going to be a slow process.”

Upcoming Films

In other news, Martin Scorsese has announced that that during his four-year deal with Paramount Pictures he would like to make The Last Duel, a period piece about the final duel sanctioned by the French Government in 1386. Also, Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost’s (Shaun of the Dead) new film, Hot Fuzz, now has a full trailer available online and it is already being praised as, potentially, the funniest film of 2007.

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[Comics]

Life and Times By Lewis Grey

androidwilsonx@aol.com

Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

kookoo.monsquad.com

Bad Pun Comic By Boy and Girl

Across 1- Breathe convulsively 5- Delhi wrap 9- Failures 14- Having wings 15- Son of Zeus in Greek mythology 16- Water-repellent cloth 17- Concerned with

politics 19- Musical drama, usually sung in Italian 20- Closely trimmed 21- Repose 23- Little drink 24- Experts 26- Indifferent 28- Roofing items

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

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30- Bewail 34- Foul 37- Instrument for measuring mechanical force 39- Ages 41- Neckwear 42- Nada 43- Eliminate segregation

48- Born 49- North African desert 50- Wide-awake 52- Reddish-brown gem 54- Thoroughfare 57- Posed 60- Flesh 62- Posterior 64- Hipbone 66- Cycling arena 68- Brainy org.

69- Chilled 70- On the ocean 71- Tire (out) 72- How you used to be?

73- Writing table Down 1- Openings 2- Luau greeting 3- Dish of raw vegetables 4- Evergreen shrub 5- Holy 6- Joan of ___, French heroine 7- Back 8- Cruise stops 9- Refuse floating on water 10- Cut (off) 11- Lyric poems 12- Persian fairy 13- Crack

18- Lukewarm 22- Han ___ was a “Star Wars” character 25- Monetary unit of Lesotho 27- Augury 29- Goat-like antelope 31- School founded in 1440 32- Hawaiian goose 33- Family portrait?

34- Places to sleep 35- Neighborhood 36- Morse element 38- Repasts 40- Mariners can sail on seven of these 44- Science of language 45- Hard to find 46- Vacuum tube type 47- Made a mistake 51- Group of four 53- Life-boat lowering device 55- Uneven 56- Domesticates 57- Fool 58- Sheltered, nautically 59- Hue 61- PC expert 63- Escaping fluid 65- Employ, utilize 67- Shelter

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Medium

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4 December 2006

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.

Medium

4 December 2006

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

15

VOLUME 59

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Dakota Fanning’s Baby Photos Released

Headlines

‘iPod Killer’ Police Sketch Released

HE BECAME SILHOUETTES: This guy is definitely not in the social.

Britney Spears Queefing Accident Wounds Three

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER LAUGHTER?

Danza in the Streets

HIDEOUS, HUNGRY AND LOOSE: John Goodman takes the week off.

Michael Richards Heckles ‘Black Friday’ Shoppers

Review: Kids Say the Darndest Things—On Their Deathbeds

By Fancy Lash

children with wide, sunken eyes are reciting heart songs or asking God to “suffer the little me ill “The Cos” Cosby’s that comes to You”? Trust me latest bit of Hollywood when I say that these candid firazzle-dazzlery hit the nal moments definitely, “show airwaves last Friday night on us the funny!” the PAX network and ooh la la And while some fuddy dudwas the end product sweet. Like dies from the opposite political honey-wine frothing up from a party than I’m affiliated with forbidden mountain spring, the might claim that this show Cos’ brand newest entry into pushes the boundaries of comthe hit “Darndest Things” canon mon decency and taste—well— was a breath of fresh air amid it doesn’t. Maybe when they lose the currently morbid ranks of a child of their own—when their televillainy (see: CSI: Miami and Benjamin’s life is torn to shreds 7th Heaven). Death? Fun? You by a pit bull in a Kmart parking bet! lot—oh Jesus, where the fuck COS PLAY: I’m not saying that I wrote this article because I wanted Kids Say the Darndest people to send me hate mail, but— did that dog come from?—mayThings—On Their Deathbeds, be then, when they’ve learned to takes cameras into the orphanages and see these kids are all so special,” said host, rejoice in the tragedy of others in a thinly cribs of sickly children across America, Bill Cosby. “And when one of these bald veiled attempt to escape their own dark capturing some truly highlarious final mo- little beauties says something like, ‘can I past, they can—oh God, the barking never ments in the lives of its young stars. have a race car coffin?’ it’s just really hard stops!

“Will I have hair again in heaven?” to keep a straight face.”

Here’s hoping that the Cos’ latest bit of quipped future angel, Terrence Shaivo.

And keep a straight face the Cos does comedic gold lasts longer than the lives of “The hardest part of my job—well you not do. But how can we blame him when most of its tiny stars!

GRUNION GENTLEMAN

B

Listen Bro, Taxin’ Ain’t Free

By Mitchell Taxmen

GRUNION OPINIONIST

LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS: Listen, we’re not saying that we wouldn’t hump Britney Spears after seeing those pictures of her cooter, but—Mick Jagger’s chapped lips are more appealing.

ISSUE 14

That’s right, I’m a tax collector. It’s a tough job, mainly because I’m about as popular as a canker sore, or a punch in the mouth.

Yesterday a friend of mine was complaining about the fee required to renew his driver’s license. “26 dollars!” he said. “Why does it cost 26 dollars for a new license? What the hell are my taxes going towards?” Well to him I say, it costs money to collect money out of your hard earned paycheck.

Taxin’ ain’t free.

Think about it. DMV forms don’t grow in trees. They’re not just giving them away. Do you know how much it costs to pay the IRS utility bill? A lot. Calculating just how much we’re going to require from you takes a lot of time, and you know what they say: time is money. So pony up.

My friend seems to think that the only cost of a renewed license is the few pennies for a 2X3 inch piece of plastic with his name on it. Well he’s wrong.

The form he’s got to fill out? Money.

The three hours of fluorescent lighting he’s going to stand under? Money.

Don’t like the sweltering heat inside the DMV? Somebody’s got to fix the air conditioning, and that costs money.

And let’s not forget the rude, stuck-up woman behind the counter correcting

the driver’s test. She gots to get paid!

Those two-inch acrylic nails ain’t free honey, nuh-uh!

Factor in the extreme political corruption, gratuitous police helicopters, and mind-numbingly slow CalTrans workers, and he’s fucking lucky to pay 26 dollars.

Look, here’s the thing: a cold, heartless, complicated, harsh, inhuman bureaucracy isn’t easy to maintain. It takes hundreds of thousands of unionized, under-qualified and overpaid GED recipients who would otherwise be working at Subway, to make this brutal, Orwellian machine run.

Without their government jobs, which are practically impossible to be fired from, our current DMV workers would be nothing more than our current welfare recipients. And that shit is really expensive! Just ask their fellow airport-security brethren.

So even though tax day isn’t for another few months, rest assured that I’m working hard to make sure that you pay your fair share. And you should take pride in that. Every time you pay that parking ticket, every time you pay your car registration, you’re part of the group that does the backbreaking and thankless job of carrying both the poor, and the rich. You know. The middle class!

NYPD Officers Turn Mozzarella into Swiss

By Father McKenzie GRUNION WOP

Five New York policemen began a new moonlighting job last week, turning giant blocks of mozzarella and parmesan cheese into Swiss.

The reasons motivating the new job, as well as its benefits, are not yet entirely clear, but one officer did comment that it’s been an incredible help for getting rid of “all our excess bullets.”

While New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg didn’t seem pleased with the officer’s new efforts, he did say that he was “happy they’re no longer shooting guys at their bachelor parties fifty times for no reason. I’d rather they shoot the cheese for no reason than some guy for no reason. Fifty times.” Big Papa’s Cheese Factory in Brooklyn has announced that they’re prepared to offer the cops a job hole-ifying Swiss cheese for a living. The salary offer had not yet been made public as of print time.

Dingleberries Threaten Global Deforestation

By Father McKenzie

GRUNION DEVIL’S SNARE

Rainforests across the world are being hacked into stumps, all because of one man, Ronald Dilder, whose excessive taint and anus hair may bring an end to the world. Dilder, who averages over a half a roll of toilet paper for every time he drops a deuce, had this to say: “It’s not my fault. I’ve got a lot of hair down there, and its just dingleberry city.

What do people want me to do? Just walk around with shit in my pants?” But experts say that’s exactly what he should do; they’re projecting that if Dilder continues using up paper at his current rate, the planet could be as bald of trees as his ass is plentiful of bush within ten years.

Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is serious. It’s satire. If you don’t understand this, then I suggest you fall on a knife. We’re not affiliated with anyone and as such, we don’t represent anyone’s views, which is a shame. Specifically, we don’t represent CSULB, ASI, or anyone else without a sense of humor. Seriously though, you’re lucky to have something this cool on your campus and if you’re smart like we are, then you’ll join us. If not, then keep your invalid opinion to yourself. Or don’t. We’ve never run hate mail on this page as far as I know, but if your hatred is true then I’ll consider running some. Send it to Fancylash@ lbunion.com if you’ve got the notion to do so. This one’s for you, Morph.