60.01

[Issue 60.1] The Times, They Are A Changin’ Letter from the Editor

W

hen I stepped back onto this campus for the first time for the Spring 2007 semester, I noticed that much had changed since I left for my winter hibernation. It’s nearly impossible to miss the newly shorn grasses and trimmed tree branches, giving the campus’ landscape a tidy feel. It’s also hard to miss the progress that has been made on the construction work around campus. The library has finally opened its doors with a full-fledged Starbucks hiding in the rear of the lobby. Those lucky enough to visit the campus on Friday were treated to a free drink, which is always nice. On the North Side of campus, two new Seattle’s Best coffee shops are preparing to open their doors to the fortunate few to be living in the dormitories. Each of these three facilities are going to be open late, until 1am each night to serve late-night students in a way Cal State Long Beach has never served them before: serving them at all. It’s a valuable step in keeping students on campus, and finally brings to fruition the promise that CSULB would become more student-friendly.

But as simple as that sounds, it still seems that a small majority of the campus has a tough time grasping that they’re there to serve the students. Take for instance, Parking Services. The campus’ number one moneymaker, Parking Services has been an oft-chided and feared organization, and is simply one of the very best examples of what turns students off about staying on campus. Forget for a moment the limited number of parking spaces during peak times or the soaring permit costs each semester. It seems that Parking Services has taken to gouging students coming to the home events in the Pyramid. Sure, the ticket to the game may be free for ID card-carrying students, but to park? That’s an entirely different situation all together.

Over the break, while attending home games, myself and members of the Union staff eagerly attended the Men’s basketball home games, but when we pulled up to park in the nearly empty Lot 14, we were met

with barricades and Parking Services officials. “Surely,” we thought, “our day passes would still be valid.” Begrudgingly, one attendant let us pass through without paying. Other parking attendants, on the other hand, were not as willing. Students, including those with their CSULB student IDs, were asked to pay the five dollar toll or were turned away and instructed to park on the street or across campus.

This is infuriating for many reasons, but two reign supreme. If students are expected to attend these free home games, Parking Services should be doing all it possibly can to accommodate them. Students don’t like feeling like second-class citizens on their own campus when they’re attempting to support their teams. With the level attendance has been at in the past few years, our athletics department cannot afford to have students turned away from the game before it begins. Is it so hard to have a designated student’s parking section close to the ‘Myd? Or do those spaces have to be reserved for the visiting, but more importantly, paying fans of our opponents?

Not to mention it’s a goddamn rip off. After six o’clock, those lots become fair game on any other day but game day, and those three dollar and twenty five cent day passes mysteriously become extinct, and are replaced with their evil five-dollar counterparts. It makes sense to gouge those that don’t know better, namely alumni and visiting fans, but to nickel and dime students who’re already infuriated with parking on campus is simply reprehensible.

But then again, I’m just complaining about parking, if for no other reason than that there’s not much else to complain about. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see a solution on the behalf of Parking Services about what to do with students at home games, but for the first time in years, our campus seems to be finding solutions to it’s problems rather than compounding them. And who would have thought that all it took was building a Starbucks?

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

By Katie Wynne

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

Normally you would be dreading the first week of classes, but for some reason you are open to possibilities right now. Just remember that while academia is good for you, unprotected sex is not. This week’s day for getting lucky is Saturday, and your lucky day is Tuesday.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)

You are definitely the prettiest/most handsome of all the signs this week. While this winter break may have been one of work and/or stress for you, this semester will be a new beginning, starting with this week.

Midweek you will find that a friend of yours has been hiding romantic feelings for you. This week’s lucky day is Sunday.

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)

It’s the first week of school and you may feel completely unprepared but you will find that by Thursday you have already settled into the groove. That cute guy/girl that you thought was looking at you on Wednesday was not in fact looking at you. This week’s lucky day is Saturday.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)

Financial worries are at the forefront of your thoughts this week. It would be better to make a plan: write out what you need and what you want. Then subtract all the books your professor will probably never get to, and buy the stuff that you want. This week’s lucky day is Thursday.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

This week try not to let your emotions overwhelm your scholarly or professional life. Realize that it isn’t the people around you, or even the circumstances that surround you, but rather the fact that you are just being a whiny lame. This week’s luck day is Tuesday.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You may feel inclined to give advice or help to others this week. However, some people may not be open to your pushiness so back off. Also, you may discover that lovers will prove to be undeserving so keep your options open. This week’s lucky day is Friday.

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Moon Editor

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

The sickness seems to be going around and this week you will be particularly susceptible to it. Tea, water, juice, and Airborne should be a constant for you. Sit back. Don’t absorb any tension from ten-page syllabi or overwhelming reading assignments. This week’s lucky day is Saturday.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)

Some of your friends may be sending you negative vibes. Tell them they are being jerks, that should help.

This week you will feel very focused and motivated to get things done, that will last until Sunday around 3pm.

This week’s lucky day is Monday.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

Everything is going your way. Use that positive energy and be productive. Start a new workout regimen or get homework done early. Your upbeat disposition will inspire others who need help getting back to the grind.

Also, pamper yourself for a job well done. This week’s lucky day is Sunday.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

You could experience strange events and meet unusual individuals this week. Be careful, your outgoing nature may work against you in the end.

Priorities seem to be all mixed up for you. Figure your sh*t out and get things straight. This week’s lucky day is Wednesday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

This is a good time for travel, of course since you just started a new semester that may seem impossible. Try exploring a new place on campus or eat someplace new. It is a week of discovery and moderate adventure.

This week’s lucky day is Friday.

Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)

Alright, whatever your problem is you really need to get over it. You have been festering about this crap for way too long now. Do whatever it takes to get your mind into a flexible frame. Maybe you should go to the Long Beach Men’s Basketball game on Thursday night.

This week’s lucky day is Thursday.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com conor@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com

Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Katie Wynne Copy Editor Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design Jeff Gould Web Design

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Ryan Kobane Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, Derek Crossley, Sean Bernhoft, Darren Davis, Kenny Hardy, Jimmy Dinh Contributors Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

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1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

29 January 2007

Opinions

Credit vs. Drugs: Which is Worse?

Call Me A Terrorist

By Derek Crossley Union Staffer Ok, I’m going to start off with an apology. I know we are all tired of hearing the political ramblings of some young, ideological kid. At least I know I am, but I think a few things have to be said.

First off: What is a war on terror? As far as I’m concerned, that’s the same thing as having a war on happiness. You can’t fight an emotion. You can’t blow up an idea with a bomb, and bullets have no effect on it. We “fought” Communism for fifty years and look how well we did. I mean what could be worse than a political idea where everyone is equal? That’s just unpatriotic—that’s downright criminal.

My cousin just joined the Marines; she signed up like her father did, like my father did. She asked me if I agreed with the war in Iraq. I told her no, that it was silly posturing and that we shouldn’t attack people that never did anything to us. She told me, “but they did attack us.”

She asked me if I remembered 9/11.

I told her I did remember, I remember that not one of the people involved was from Iraq; I remember that the people that did it died along with the people they killed. Isn’t that justice? Every religion seems to back the whole “eye for an eye” policy. And how is killing children’s fathers the way to stop them from hating us?

But to her it was all the same. Every Muslim was the same; every country in the Middle East was out to get us. She told me how they were killing Americans over there.

I laughed. Of course they are. We are going to their country, dropping bombs on them, shooting them, telling them what to believe: that their God is wrong, the way they’ve lived for hundreds of years is wrong and that they should be like us; the happy, democratic, fun loving, Americans.

You know, Americans, the people that drop atomic bombs on entire cities, the ones that practically repeal the Bill of Rights at the drop of a hat in the name of patriotism, the country that still employs the death penalty. Where the minimum wage is unlivable and healthcare is reserved for the rich. I told her, I don’t really see how becoming more like us is a step in the right direction.

And I know, for damn sure, that if someone came to my block, my city, where my family lives, my father, my mother, my brother, with weapons in their hands, I would be in the middle of the street, ready to fight back.

By any means necessary, I would protect those I love and my way of life.

No one will ever tell me how or if I should pray. So let’s just say I understand; I sympathize. Because I know if I was put in the same situation I would do anything to protect the ones I love.

So call me a terrorist, the same way they did Jefferson, Washington and Franklin. Put my face on a dollar bill, because sometimes you have to fight.

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Illustration By Andrew Wilson

By Ryan Kobane

W

News Director

hen we receive four unsolicited envelopes in our mailboxes a week, containing pre-approved credit cards with laughably high APR’s, most of us don’t even bat an eye. We open the envelopes, check to see what kind of “benefits” we will receive by opening a line of credit, and then either fill them out and send them back, or throw them out. But do we ever really think about what credit is doing to our lives? Do we ever see Visa and American Express as evil companies? Some of you may, but they’re certainly not in the same vein as a drug dealer, right?

Think about this: when a person offers you drugs, they are called a drug dealer. Duh. They prey on the weak. A drug dealer’s prime customer is someone who cannot deal with their habit, either financially, physically, or both. The dealer knows that every time that person buys drugs from them, they become more and more reliant on the high they receive.

But the problem most users face is that it takes more and more of a drug to attain that same feeling once you become addicted. The same

can be said of those who fall into the hole of eternal indebtedness. But the stigma placed upon drug dealers in our culture is that of a deadbeat; why is that same stigma not placed upon credit agencies? Isn’t a Credit agency just a nice name for “Dealer?” They are certainly using the very same tactics to make money as the drug dealer is. Let’s examine the facts.

Just like drug dealers, credit card companies prey on those who are in the most trouble. The more substantial the debt of the customer, the more money the credit company stands to make. That is exactly why we college students are at the highest risk for going into debt. Ever noticed that once you send one credit card application in, you are immediately sent three more by different companies? They love it every time you say, “Leave that card open,” at your local pub. They love to see you spend $400 on a purse even though you only make $300 every two weeks. Visa’s greedy Grinch smile gets larger with every swipe of that little piece of plastic. It’s the same theory that drug dealers subscribe to: once you have a taste, it’s easy to justify coming back for just a little more.

So who’s worse, the slimy guy on the corner wearing a Sublime t-shirt, peddling

dime bags of pot, or the suits, pedaling instant gratification? Honestly, I think it’s the suits in the long run. See, the main difference with drug dealers is that they don’t buy advertisements on your favorite TV shows, or at half time of the Super Bowl. They don’t come to the middle of campus and offer you a t-shirt for just filling out a tiny piece of paper. They don’t send mail to your home asking if you want to buy a kilo of Columbian cocaine. But credit card companies do (well not the whole cocaine thing, but you get the picture.)

More and more people each day fall prey to the “I want this now, no matter how much this costs me later,” mentality. People run up credit cards to live a certain lifestyle, most of whom are living beyond their means, and when the cards run out so does the lifestyle they were used to living. And what do they do next? They go looking for a card with a larger limit. I think that people need to understand that if you live your life on borrowed money, it’s going to catch up with you in the long run.

So next time you think about filling out that pre-approved Visa card application, think of it as a proposition from a drug dealer, not from a credit agency.

I Want My Traditional TV

By Erin Hickey Opinions Editor Tech-nerds everywhere are practically jizzing themselves over the prospect that internet television (youtube and the like) may soon replace actual television—you know, the kind that’s televised. Sorry to kill your boners, guys, but that notion is absolutely ridiculous. Not to say that I wouldn’t prefer to wait five minutes to watch a highly pixilated two-minute clip over the instant gratification of a high-resolution half-hourlong episode of South Park, but it’s just not worth it. A small, blurry reproduction of the television shows I have come to know and love just isn’t going to cut it for me, and I’m sure many others feel the same.

Granted, the television industry will have to change if it wants to stay at the top of the dog pile. What with TiVo allowing audiences to fast-forward through ads, and the methodical cancellation of every show with any substance to it (FOX, I’m looking

at you), to continue coasting on the format they’ve become accustomed to would be suicide. Many networks have recognized this and embrace the Internet, viewing it as an invaluable resource and relatively inexpensive marketing tool.

MTV is one of the prime purveyors of juicy internet content, offering a virtual Laguna Beach, where fans can choose not only to watch the vapid and nauseating reality show, but to actually participate in it. Two of the show’s main characters go online in a sort of chat room with visual representations of themselves (think The Sims). If I had no social life and fewer brain cells, I’d probably be pretty stoked on it.

ABC and several other networks offer broadcasts of their most popular shows on their websites within minutes of the televised broadcasts, which is convenient if you miss a week of Desperate Housewives and need to catch up, while CW offers interactive games and quizzes. Most of us are dismayed by the rapid increase in reality shows over

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

the past few years, though even they play a large part in keeping traditional TV afloat by offering a very basic level of interactivity.

Generally, networks are evolving (though perhaps not as rapidly as they need to) and, as Darwin knows, those that evolve generally survive.

While internet videos offer brief amusement that is readily available at the click of a button, it is doubtful that anything with genuine plot development will be able to surface until the vast majority of Americans have higher-speed internet connections than they do now. And being able to actually pay actors couldn’t hurt, either. Until youtube can promise me hourlong episodes of a continuing storyline once a week that load quickly, and play continuously, I’m sticking to my good oldfashioned boob tube, and I’m pretty sure most consumers feel the same.

Questions? Comments?

Erin Hickey can be reached at: erin@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

29 January 2007

[Opinions]

No Butts About it: Psychics are Full of Shit

By Sean Bernhoft Union Staffer

I

am sure many of you have heard about the Shawn Hornbeck case over the past week or so, but if you haven’t, here is the scoop: About four years ago an eleven year old boy named Shawn Hornbeck was kidnapped.

His parents and the authorities searched for him, and eventually gave up. A few weeks ago, they found him alive and well. There is a lot of interesting debate about why he didn’t leave sooner, since apparently he had many opportunities, but I am not interested in discussing the Stockholm syndrome or leaping on the blame-the-victim-bandwagon.

No, who I want to talk about is a lying, ravenous crook named Sylvia Browne. Browne claims to be a psychic, posessing such skills as ESP, Clairvoyance, and the ability to chat with the deceased in her repertoire of deceit. Sylvia is loved by many, and she presumably rakes in a pretty penny. So, what does she have to do with any of this? She was dead wrong about Shawn Hornbeck.

Shortly after his kidnapping, Shawn Hornbeck’s parents, obviously griefstricken and desperate for answers, went to a taping of the Montel Williams show where Browne was scheduled to appear.

The Hornbecks inquired about their son, and Browne (remember she is a “psychic”), confidently explained that he was “no longer with us,” and that his body was located in a field, or a meadow of some sort, between two oddly placed rocks. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she felt compelled to describe Shawn’s abductor as dark Hispanic man with dreadlocks. In the real world, Shawn is alive, has a lip ring, and the man who abducted him was a fat white asshole with a patchy beard. Can Hispanic guys even grow dreadlocks? Some psychic.

This is, of course, not her first unforgivable blunder. For instance, a few years ago, shortly after she insisted upon a McCain vs. Kerry presidential race in ’04 , Browne assured her audience, and the news media, that all but one of the victims

of a tragic Virginia mining accident were alive. That simply was not the case, and shortly after Browne made her statement of “clairvoyance,” it was reported that all the members of the mining crew had perished and had been dead for some time.

Similarly, she once insisted on the Montel Williams show that a bereaved couple’s daughter had been shot.

Unfortunately for Browne, she misread the couple’s question, assuming that their daughter was missing.

She wasn’t, she was found dead in her bedroom with no apparent cause of death. If she’d been shot, it seems that the parents just might have noticed the bleeding hole in her skull. Browne proceeded to backpedal, insisting desperately that the child had been shot or struck in some way – perhaps during school sport. Nice try, Ms. Browne, trying to save your ass with vague language. Or, there was the time that she suggested to the grandmother of a missing child that her grandaughter, whose body was found later not far from her home, had been sold into “some sort of slavery-thing” in Japan. There are more; Browne is usually wrong. When she is right, which isn’t very often, it can be attributed to pure chance.

People like Sylvia Browne, John Edwards (see the South Park Illustration By Erin Hickey episode, “The Biggest Douche in the Universe.”), and, as far as I can tell, all alleged psychics and purveyors of the supernatural willing to take your money are tricksters and frauds. The rest are, in all likelihood, deluded. They use techniques like cold reading, preacquired data, and vague language to fool people, and subsequently empty their pocket-books, usually during times of extreme emotional vulnerability. Some of these “psychics,” while they won’t admit that they are fakes, suggest that they do a service for people. They say that they help people get through periods of grief, but I can’t see how telling an old woman that her grand daughter has been sold into slavery would work to that end. I fail to see how spending 750 dollars to talk on the phone with Sylvia Browne for 20 minutes would help, either.

Unless, of course, the goal is to help Sylvia Browne.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Earning My Vacation

By Darren Davis Union Staffer It is a new day in a relatively new year, and the world is laid out like a blank canvas. Somewhere out there, a tree is dying and will become the soil in which a younger, better looking one will sprout.

Employees are being hired and fired, mothers are giving birth, congressmen are being discredited, and the students at CSULB are beginning a new semester.

For those of us who didn’t attend the winter session (high-fives all around), the past month was either a time of quiet reflection or a cocktail of equal parts laziness and debauchery. For the latter group, whom for the sake of argument I will place myself amongst, the space between our last exam of 2006 and our first class of 2007 came and went like a flashbulb. You know who you are, you winos.

Look around campus; the general populace should be able to pick us out easily enough. We are the ones who sulk around in various forms of headgear and eyewear, hoping not to be noticed. We carry nothing but a pen in our jaded pockets, for we know that the first week of instruction is a cakewalk, a grace period.

We wear clothes that look as though they could also function as pajamas…because they do. After all, it has only been a few

29 January 2006

days since we crawled out of our beds/ futons/prison cots and, cursing at the unforgiving daylight, cried out “Is it January yet?!” In fact, it is pretty much February, which is why this semester I am trying to do something different.

A while back, while researching grad schools, shirtless, with a bottle of Whalers Rum and a completely decent microwave burrito, I came to a realization. Perhaps it was the dichotomy of my appearance against the Northwestern University website, or it could have been the rum, but it suddenly occurred to me that for the past two years I had been getting the grades I wanted, but I had been doing it the hard way: in competition with my actin’ a fool. If I were truly to be the hard-working, making-Mommaproud student I had come to see myself as, I would have to start living the part, beginning with this semester.

Step 1: Instead of waiting until week 5 to buy my books, I showed up on campus last week and, as Tom Robbins would have said, rocked the bookstore like winos rock wine. As a sidenote, to those who have never walked the campus while it is empty, I suggest you do so. It is actually quite beautiful.

Step 2: Having purchased the majority of my books early, I returned to my apartment and opted not to spend the whole day watching Arrested

Development DVDs. Instead, I threw away all of the empty bottles, food wrappers, and crumpled pages of a failed novel that I had accumulated over the break. I even managed to put a dent in the pile of dishes that had begun to dominate my kitchen. If I was going to prepare myself for the coming semester, my place of residence would follow suit.

Step 3: With new books and a clean apartment, I was ready to read ahead.

Yes, read ahead. I am telling you, it was an epiphany; really serious stuff. I became the annoying overachiever of my youth. The discipline that had been forced down my throat in high school suddenly resurfaced. I found myself reading rather dilligently throughout consecutive evenings. Evenings where I would have normally been either watching Arrested Development DVDs or galavanting around like the young fool I was just days prior.

Step 4: I began writing for this paper.

Fret not, my former comrades. Come this summer, you will still find me at my usual haunts, shouting obscenities and beating you at pool. It’s just this time around, I am really going to earn my vacation.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Random Rants

On Malaise and Hangnails: I was going to write 100 words about how much I hate either slacker malaise or international slacker malaise about Darfur, but, to be honest, what really has me annoyed right now is this damn hangnail. I thought it was one of those cut-and-dry ones, where I could just pull it off no problem, but it’s still attached to living tissue, so the more I pull it the wider it gets, and at this point, it’s maddening enough trying to type with it that I might just pull it all the way down my arm, around my elbow, and up to my shoulder.

-Mike Guardabascio

On Blinkers and Ass-hats: Earlier today I was turning left onto a busy street from a stop sign; for those that are interested I was turning onto Lakewood from Outer Circle. With Common on the radio and a freshly brewed thermos of green tea in my hand I really couldn’t have asked for a better moment on my way into the office; the world, for an instant, seemed at peace. After spotting a rare break in traffic out of the circle, I turned my gaze left and waited for the approaching Tahoe to pass me so that I could make my turn. I waited... and waited some more... Why was he going so slow?

There’s nobody waiting to get into the circle…oh, YOU’RE TURNING RIGHT!?

USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKER YOU ASS-HAT. I could have made that turn if you weren’t too stupid to operate your turn signals. Go suck a bag of dicks.

-Jeff Gould

On What She’s Shoutin’: Here’s what I’m shoutin’, who’s idea was it to put Ryan Reynolds in a movie where he is holding a gun and yet at no point takes his shirt off (Smokin’ Aces)?

They’ve just spent millions of dollars for an actor for no reason. Yes Ryan Reynolds is an amazing, Oscar worthy, aweinspiring actor, but let’s face it, the guy is meant to act without his shirt on. Would you eat an orange without peeling it? Or buy a Playboy that didn’t have any articles in it? No, you wouldn’t! All I am sayin’ is why spend the money for a Ferrari if you’re gonna keep it in the garage, collecting dust!

-Katie Wynne

On Following the Pack: Predominantly in our society today we rarely see the impulse to stray from the pack and venture where others have only dreamed. The typical person today is content to wander through life aimlessly without any question of why they do the things they do. If you ever want to see proof of this go to any place where there are a lot of people and watch how they shuffle around in their daily lives, shut off and isolated from the world that is bustling with life all around them.

Make the choice to wake up from the state of perpetual apathy and embrace all that the world has to offer.

-Philip Vargas

On Food and No Food: I’m pretty upset about the lack of food in my stomach right now. It would be a lot easier to think of something to rant about if I weren’t so goddamn hungry. Seriously, what’s the deal with hunger? That shit pisses me off—almost as much as not having anything to be pissed off about for the random rants column.

-Erin Hickey Upset About Something?

Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students who may or may not give a shit). Send your one hundred-word rants to erin@lbunion.com and see ‘em in print.

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I

Seventeen months after Katrina Shar Higa visits the Gulf Coast to lend a helping hand.

It’s not that anyone could forget the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. It’s not like we weren’t all glued to the television sets on that horrible day in August of 2005 watching in disbelief as the rain and wind became epic, as hours passed and things got more surreal. Numbers and dollar amounts and racial demographics scrolled across our screens for weeks after, but they made no more sense than the footage of roofs just barely breaking over the top of filthy gray water, silent and vast. From our homes in Southern California, where rain is a rare but polite visitor that almost never overstays its welcome, it was hard to even imagine that kind of devastation.

Nonetheless, we did what we could, as well as we could. Many of us donated money to charities for disaster relief, whether directly or as part of the dozens of partnership programs between charities and other organizations. Our dollars bought food, clothing, and medical supplies for a region torn apart.

But we did not stop with just our monetary donations. Blood banks after the storm were filled with people wanting to give life in an even more direct way. And the Gulf Coast itself was overwhelmed with volunteers who wanted to make their muscles their donations. The national and international response to an historic disaster was beautiful and immediate.

No, we didn’t forget the storm. How could we? But as the months wore on, the stories on the news were about politics and bureaucracies: what went wrong? The storm cost $80 billion and two thousand human lives.

Who was to blame? There were questions of embezzlement, of misuse of federally granted and donated funds, and of preferential treatment of certain areas over others based on race. And, though we didn’t forget the Gulf Coast or the horror of those first days after the storm, we began to think about other things. Blood banks dried up. Churches and other sites that opened their doors to so many volunteers that their housing was becoming a whole new problem relaxed as thousands became hundreds and then dozens. Slowly government help started to trickle in, but it has proven again and again to be simply not enough to replace whole neighborhoods, to say nothing of the other, less tangible but more profound devastation.

I decided to spend the week before Christmas in Gulfport, Mississippi. In our new apartment, my fiancé and I were lining walls with bookshelves and hanging up pictures, moving furniture around to fit our first tree and buying hooks for our stockings. I had a lot to be thankful for. And, during a season when the good things in life seem so much better, pain and loss are just that much harder to bear. Money won’t cure despair, and I don’t have much of it anyway. But I could pack a suitcase and spend a week proving

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that, though it’s been over a year and new tragedies and scandals have taken over our front pages, we haven’t forgotten. And, since I could, I did.

the heavy cloud cover, but within an hour of take-off I had no idea where I was. Somewhere above the southwestern portion of Ameri-

ca, between Irvine and Gulfport. Somewhere far enough above that borders and cities and townships couldn’t be distinguished, and

Arriving “There were houses here.”

Our team was a dozen strong: six collegeaged kids and six adults. Almost immediately after the storm, Grace First pledged $1 million for relief in the area. One of the first major purchases was the Grace First Mission House, a two-story building in Gulfport that’s housed hundreds of volunteers since its dedication. During our week in Mississippi, we’d be staying there.

On December 17th, as we took an alarmingly steep ascent out of John Wayne Airport, I was amazed at how quickly we were out of the Southern California metropolitan area. Looking out the window of the plane, I could see patches of partitioned land beyond everything just looked like land. Watching fifteen hundred nameless miles crawl far beneath you has a way of reminding you just how artificial Southern California’s sense of isolation is. From tens of thousands of miles above ground, it was easy to see that it really is just one country. With no lines except the lazy meandering of rivers, it was easy to see that the storm hadn’t hit as far away from us as it’d seemed.

We were met at the Biloxi/Gulfport airport by a charming lady named Martha Lee, leader of the youth group for Westminster Presbyterian Church, with whom Grace First had partnered in the months after the storm.

Before we headed to the house for the night, Martha Lee took us on a drive down the coastline. I don’t know what I was expecting.

Something that looked more like the loud violence of an earthquake, maybe. Instead there were skeleton houses standing silent and stoic in the waning light. More often, there were just empty lots or broken foundations. “There were houses here,” said Martha Lee. “Anywhere you see nothing, it’s because there used to be something there.”

Working Tearing Down & Rebuilding

Early Monday morning, we set out for our worksite. On the way to the house we would be working on, we passed more devastation. Along the coast, houses had been ripped from their foundations. Further inland, there had been the quick and deadly flooding and the torrential rains. Everywhe-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

29 January 2007

history, a home. Every day, life finds new ways to grind down hope.

Martha Lee said: “It’s the second Christmas since the storm, and people are starting to wonder if things will ever get better.” As we drive down the coast for the last time before heading back to California, we see new houses and damaged houses and even FEMA trailers decked out for the holidays, ready to celebrate. And, on a lonely wall in the middle of an empty lot, the spraypaint says: “We are still here.” Still in pain, still in need. But still here.

Joggers pick their way down the beach. In an abandoned shopping center, a mom-and-pop pizza joint is open for business. Students are in school plays, and people are getting married. We are still here.

re there was damage, and everywhere there was construction.

So long after the storm, there were many buildings that had been restored or rebuilt. There were signs on lampposts and fences selling lumber and other building supplies. But next door to the new houses were those empty lots, those classic Southern mansions, in families for generations, that would never be houses again.

Our worksite was a white house with a FEMA trailer on its front lawn. Between 20 and 30 feet long, these trailers are meant to be replacements for the homes of whole families.

They are tiny, and they reek of temporariness. The owner of the house, Margaret, had lived in this one with her daughter for about a year. They are lucky: FEMA doesn’t provide trailers unless the site has working gas and water hook-ups.

Many families who need shelter were left with less than that.

Sometime after the storm, someone had laid a beautiful roof of new shingles on Margaret’s house. A few weeks before our team got to Mississippi, another team working with Westminster had gone to hang dry wall inside. The next day, a heavy rain had revealed that the roof was leaking like a sieve. The first roofers, whoever they were, had used shingles to cover wet and rotten baseboards. An aesthetic, surface-level fix that was nothing but a lie.

We climbed up on the roof and, working with another team from Tennessee, we got to work. We spent the first day demolishing the beautiful roof and revealing the ugliness underneath. Holes in the soggy baseboard. Broken rafters. Rats living (and dying) in the insulation. And, inside, the new drywall had been compromised. Wasted money, wasted time.

I am one for symbols and metaphors. There was something poignant about wielding shovels and hammer-claws and crowbars for monotonous and neck-wrenching hours in order to end up with more holes that when we’d started. Frustrating as it was to spend a full day of work tearing down what we wanted to rebuild, this was a part of the process. Nothing lasts long if it’s built on a rotten foundation.

Over the next two days, we laid the new roof. New baseboards cut to size and tar paper unrolled and stapled down in the surprising heat. I become a nail-gun virtuoso: exactly

29 January 2007

five nails in each sheet of shingles aligned and positioned just so. Working furiously, filling our hands with splinters and covering our clothes with tar, we were racing every day against time. There were no street lights, and, on our third day of work, as the sun started sinking into the horizon and the shadows started inching towards just being dusk, it became obvious that we were going to have to leave the roof unfinished, trusting that the team from Tennessee would be able to finish alone what we’d started together.

As we drove back from the worksite on Wednesday, after packing up all our tools and preparing the site for the rain that was forcasted to begin that night, I stared, frustrated, out the window at the houses as we passed. In all fairness, after three full days of work, with all that needed to be done, we should have been able to at least roof one house. But, then again, in all fairness, a lot of things would have been different.

Leaving “We are still here.”

Ultimately, the point of my trip to Mississippi was to show the residents there that they had not been forgotten. One night, we delivered cookies to several Gulfport families. On another, we helped wrap Christmas presents for children at a battered women’s shelter in the area. Just our being there, walking down the street or the aisles of the supermarket, brought grins to people’s faces.

Since the storm, reports of domestic violence have tripled in number as people are forced into tiny trailers with their families and frustrations and pain. Many familes are paying mortgages on empty lots that they can neither live on nor sell.

Sometimes new roofs still leak. And insurance companies are audacious in their estimates of the monetary value of a life, a

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

What you can do.

What’s left to do on the Gulf Coast? It’s complicated and it’s varied. In places like Gulfport, there are roofs to be laid.

There are also museums to reopen and a long beach to make safe again. The city of New Orleans is only about 15% rebuilt and, though the famous French Quarter is just about pictureperfect, the poverty-stricken Ninth Ward is still in shambles.

And that’s just one city in what was a federal disaster area of 90 thousand square miles. The Gulf Coast needs money, teachers for its schools, and people with hammers and shovels. And, when the past year and a half has seen alarming rises in suicide rates and cases of serious mental illness, it needs hope.

There are countless charities still at work on the coast. In addition to those that you’d expect, like the American Red Cross, there are organizations working to reunite pets with their owners. There are groups at work to bring music and the arts back into the region by donating instruments and costumes and scripts. Faith-based groups are donating millions to the area and are able, in some cases, to avoid the political bureaucratic red-tape and work directly with the people. If you have extra cash, there are many people who can put it to good use.

But, if you can, you should go there yourself. Groups like Habitat for Humanity are bringing together people who can help and people who need it. It’s not just the pain of the Gulf Coast.

It’s the pain of America. It’s all of our pain. And there’s absolutely nothing in the world like being a part of the healing.

7

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

Let the Caffeine Battle Begin

By Ryan Kobane News Director During the all-too-short winter break we were just given, you may have noticed some dramatic cosmetic changes to our campus; oh wait, you say you weren’t on campus during the break? There’s no reason to call me names for hanging out on this campus during break.

Well that’s okay; allow me to enlighten you.

Some of the changes could directly affect your grades, and some of them just seem, well, down right unnecessary. It’s up to you to decide if you like the facelift, but like it or not, the changes are here to stay.

I’ve seen you in line at The Coffee Bean; yes you. I’ve seen your disgust. I’ve seen you begrudgingly order something other than your usual, iced, decaf, triple, grande, cinnamon, nonfat, no-whip mocha. I’ve seen you wish that there were a Starbucks here on campus so you could use all of those gift cards you received from your parents for Christmas. You lucky dog you! Well guess what? Now there is a Starbucks on campus! Yippee, hooray, another Starbucks located within walking distance from another Starbucks. Go Beach!

But really, the very large, Internet-ready caffeine shack is located in the also newly renovated library. What’s that?

You don’t know what the library is? That’s okay, neither did I until they told me Starbucks was giving out free coffee last week. Man, the library certainly is cool now.

So you say two choices for ultra-high quality coffee aren’t enough? Well lucky you, because not only is there a new Starbucks I can imagine it now. My day will start off in the Union with a on campus, there are TWO new cup of Coffee... BEAN, then I’ll make my way up to the library pretending all the way that I’m going there to study, but in realSeattle’s Best’s. I know, I know, ity I’m just going there for Starbucks. And then when I’m walkcalm down and keep your cool so ing home I’ll stop at Seattle’s Best for a pick-me-up. The new I can explain how unnecessarily coffee shop in Parkside looks like something from the Getty. posh these places are.

Walking into the Parkside Residence Hall, addition to being the coolest place to be seen you will be greeted with all of the fantastic on campus, you can drink coffee until 1 A.M. noises that a perpetually busy coffee shop Oh yeah, and the Student Union made a usually has (this is all speculation because the few changes too, but I doubt you care about only Seattle’s Best we could get into wasn’t even that. Let the caffeine battle begin! up and running yet). Flat screen TV’s, art deco Questions? Comments? furniture, and stained wood-panel ceilings are Ryan Kobane can be contacted at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com now in what once was a boring office space. In

Decision 2007? You Decide the Future of CSULB Did you know that CSULB is the second largest college campus in the United States without a rec center?

You have a chance to change this on February 27th and 28th. The following is a public service anouncement from a fellow student.

By Amanda Stone Special to the Union Now that students have returned from Winter Break, they have the chance to make a pretty big decision for the campus. This Spring Semester, February 27th-28th to be exact, students will have the chance to vote on whether or not Cal State Long Beach will have a Student Recreation and Wellness Center. I am writing to encourage students to seek information regarding the proposed Student Rec and Wellness Center and more importantly to encourage students to go out and vote.

For about the past 10 years, students at The Beach have been discussing the possibility of a Student Rec and Wellness Center. Associated Students, Inc. (ASI), one of the main sources of student activities and services outside of the classroom, decided the issue was important enough to do some research on the subject.

ASI held focus groups, interviews and even an on-line survey during 2005 to evaluate CSULB students’ thoughts and feelings about a Student Recreation and Wellness Center. The on-line survey, dubbed the “Campus Recreation Needs Assessment,” asked about CSULB students’ recreational needs. A link to the online survey was e-mailed out and completed by about 8,000 students. That’s close to 22% of our entire student body. The survey results showed ASI that it was time to have students vote on whether or not they would like to have a Student Recreation and Wellness Center.

So you’re probably wondering what exactly students will be voting for or against in February. As it stands today the proposed Student Recreation and Wellness Center would be a 125,000 square foot facility that will include a variety of recreational opportunities such as cardio and weight equipment; a rock climbing wall; basketball, volleyball, & badminton courts; multi-purpose dance/group fitness rooms; and a variety of other student-run

8

programs and services. The Center would also include a wellness component that would offer students fitness classes, nutrition support, body fat testing and other wellness opportunities. If students vote in favor of the Center there will be an increase of $110 per semester ($83 for summer students). The fee would appear on your tuition statement as part of the University Student Union fee. That fee would not go into effect until the year that the facility opens in

The fee would not go into effect until the year that the facility opens in 2010

-Amanda Stone

the Fall of 2010. All CSULB students would be permitted to use the facility without any additional charges.

Voting against the Center would mean you simply do not want it.

As you can see, this vote will have a big impact on the campus for decades to come.

It is your right as a student at this University to vote on issues that effect you, such as this one. I hope every student takes advantage of this right. To help this process ASI is going to give you as much information as possible about the issue. As your student voice, it is ASI’s responsibility to do this. And when it comes down to it, it will be the Associated Student, Inc.’s job to oversee the Center and continue to make sure the students’ needs are being met in the Center, in addition to our other areas of responsibility such as the University Student Union, the Beach Pride Center, the Isabel Patterson Child Development Center and the AS Recycling Center.

There will be plenty more information about the proposed Student Recreation and Wellness Center and the upcoming vote available online at www.studentrecandwellnesscenter.com. As your peer and as an active student leader within ASI, I encourage every student to check out the website, ask questions and most importantly let’s get ready to talk about rec. Then tell ASI what you want by going to the polls on February 27th-28th 2007.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

But Should

By Phil Vargas Union Staffer

Get a Kick in the Head to Quit the Habit A man who has smoked for 24 years has found that after suffering from a stroke that he know longer had any desire to smoke. There was no slow reduction of his use ;he simply out rate quit. After closer examination of his case it was discovered that the silver dollar sized spot in his brain that had sustained damage appeared to have been the reason for his complete and total quitting of his addiction. Comparrison to 69 others who had sustained similar brain injuries the location of the brain known as the insula appears to be a part of brain tied directly to brain addiction. Of course, the answer isn’t to give anyone who wants to quit smoking a stroke ,but the findings have led to mass interest in the scientific community and the hope that a drug can be developed that can target that section of the brain and create the same effect allowing for countless smokers who want to quit to do so whenever they desire.

Agua Make Me WiiWii A radio station is being sued in Sacramento after the death of a woman who competed in one of their contests.The woman competed in a water-drinking contest in order to win a Nintendo Wii but as a result of her competing she suffered from water poisoning. The true question to ask in the lawsuit is who is to blame. Should the radio station be held accountable for its actions by placing certain individuals in a situation where they are in danger or should those individual who compete take responsibility or their actions.Going into a competition like this you have to realize the dangers and despite the fact that Radio DJ’s were egging the contestant on she had the ability to choose at any time to quit and leave with her health intact. The family plans to sue.

29 January 2007

Sports

Game’s O’ The Week Men’s Basketball Games This Week

•Thursday, Feb. 1 v. Northridge, 7pm •Saturday, Feb. 3 v. Pacific, 4:30pm (Telecast on FSN Prime Ticket) Come be on TV. See you in the ‘Myd!

Undefeated At Home, ‘Niners Continue To Improve

Super Bowl Preview

By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent

By Ryan ZumMallen

H

BeachBall Guru

alfway through the Big West Conference schedule, the Long Beach State Men’s basketball team sits tentatively in 2nd place and will look forward to two vital home games this week.

With a 4-2 conference record, CSULB trails only Cal State Fullerton (5-2) for top billing in the standings. The ‘Niners defeated Fullerton over the break, 95-85.

Thursday, the 49ers will welcome fifthplace Cal State Northridge (3-3) to the Pyramid at 7:05pm. Long Beach fell to the Matadors earlier in the conference schedule and seek to return the favor. On Saturday, Long Beach will host third-place Pacific (3-2) in an afternoon game at 4:35pm. The matchup will be televised on Fox Sports Net Prime Ticket. CSULB must defend the home court to separate themselves from the rest of the pack and gain ground on first-place Fullerton.

The 49ers have been superb at home thus far, winning all four conference games in the Walter Pyramid and eight-of-eight overall.

Impressive victories include a ten-point win over Cal State Fullerton, and 30-point blowouts of both UC Riverside and UC Santa Barbara.

CSULB is led by a high scoring quartet of guards, most notably senior Aaron Nixon, who ranks third in the conference in scoring at 17.3 ppg. Last week, Nixon picked up Big West Conference Player of the Week honors for the third time this season.

The 49ers have also been led by explosive guards Kejuan Johnson (15.1 ppg) and Kevin Houston (10.2 ppg), who use their speed to set up easy baskets for themselves and their teammates. The 49ers’ do-it-all man has been senior swingman Sterling Byrd (12.5 ppg). An excellent defender capable of scoring from anywhere on the floor, Byrd is also the team’s leading rebounder and has been very reliable.

Senior forward Dominique Ricks rounds out the starting five, of which Ricks is the only true post player. He has brought a defensive-minded intensity and hustle to a team that previously focused only on offense. Ricks’ tough, bullying play has rubbed off on the rest of the 49ers, who have greatly improved their team defense over the course of the season. The 49ers have been able to

Playoffs?!?!?

By Mike Guardabascio Wordsmith This Sunday, I’m looking forward to (hopefully) watching Peyton Manning hoist Mr. Lombardi’s trophy, but really, all day long, I’m going to have January 14th on my mind. The Chargers. The Patriots.

What should have been one of the best days of my life turned into the biggest sports disappointment since Long Beach Poly, my high school, lost to Mater Dei my senior year in the first ever high school national championship game.

My best friend and I are season ticket holders, so we had tickets to the playoffs

29 January 2007

Photo By Art Montoya

create steals and force bad shots, which lead to fast break opportunities. Sixth man Mark Dawson has also been instrumental in the team’s defensive turnaround, although his play can be inconsistent at times. Dawson leads the team in blocks and is a great advantage on offense because of his athleticism and 6’9 frame.

Long Beach must win both games this week to stay undefeated at home and improve their place in the conference standings. Competition is fierce in the Big West, and high seeding for March’s conference tournament is up for grabs. Cal State Fullerton is perhaps the only team with as much pure talent as CSULB. Explosive senior guard Bobby Brown is the conference’s second highest scorer with 20.6 ppg, and junior forward Scott Cutley has terrorized opposing post players with 16.8 ppg and 9.5 rebounds per game, tops in the Big West. UC Santa Barbara has been the surprise success of the young season, boasting the conference’s top

scorer, junior Alex Harris (20.8 ppg). The Guachos 4-2 record is good enough to tie with CSULB for second place. UC Irvine and Cal State Northridge have also shown the potential to win tough games, handing the 49ers their only two conference losses thus far.

Play has been intense in a conference that many thought would be flooded with mediocrity. Cal State Fullerton and Long Beach were supposed to run away with the Big West and only be challenged by each other.

However, there have been many surprising successes so far, and many looked-over players have turned into gems with solid play. Cal State Long Beach has a very good chance to win the Big West Conference, but will not be able to rely only on athleticism and talent. As we head into the thick of the schedule, each game becomes more vital if the Beach expects to obtain a high seed in the conference tournament.

See you at the game.

too. And, maybe you don’t know this, but when they send you playoff tickets, they send you all the playoff tickets. If you haven’t done the math, let me spell it out for you: we have tickets to the AFC Championship. The one that should have been the Colts at Chargers. The one that would have been the best day of all time.

And the tickets were GOLD. THEY WERE GOLDEN TICKETS. All the other tickets were blue. So now, for the rest of my life, there is a golden ticket in my mind, saying, “Here but for a should-have-been-batteddown-pass go you, sucker.”

Anyway. I made a pact with J.J., now broken, to not talk about the Chargers game till after the Super Bowl, but I had to get that off my chest. The story for the rest of the country is Peyton Manning, who

finally manned up and knocked the Brady monkey off his back; not enough credit has been given to his coach, however, who had clearly been game-planning all playoffs for Peyton’s disintegration. The first two games, he threw several interceptions, but this year it didn’t kill them, because the rest of the Colts, especially the defense, stepped up and took responsibility for their team, instead of bemoaning Peyton’s annual collapse. Here’s hoping it keeps up and makes for a great game, that’s guaranteed to give us the first Super Bowl-winning African American coach in history. Enjoy. And try not to think about my golden ticket, ‘Bolts fans.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

There once was a time when football was not about your premier quarterback; contrarily, nobody cared who was taking the snaps. Games were won by controlling the line of scrimmage. The game was fought in the trenches as stout defenses squared off against power run games. The Chicago Bears of this season are as old-fashioned as any team in the past decade: the face of their franchise is a middle linebacker, their most exciting plays have come on special teams, and they have a one-two punch in the backfield as strong as any in the league.

The media tends to isolate the erratic play of Rex Grossman at quarterback because the media doesn’t know any better. Ever since Roger Staubach, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, etc. ushered in the new era of a “quarterback’s league,” the focus of a team has been that position. Your leader “should” be your most consistent—and probably your best—player. The difference with the Bears is that Rex Grossman does not need to win the games for his team. The Bears finished the regular season 13-3 with Grossman playing atrociously half of the time. Remember earlier this season when he had a 1.4 quarterback rating and they rallied from a huge deficit to win with no offensive touchdowns? If the Bears win, the credit better go to someone who performed phenomenally all season: Brian Urlacher or Devin Hester or Robbie Gould or Lovie Smith or the rest of the coaching staff.

As much as the Bears mimic old-school football, the Colts exemplify how the game has changed. Peyton Manning, their quarterback, is the pinnacle of the organization: he is as consistent and explosive as any quarterback has ever been and is the face of the team (and the league). Their run game is not about pounding it inside, but rather, they run a stretch play trying to beat the defense to the outside. Their defense is not smashmouthed: they are undersized, quick, and prone to mis-tackles. If the Colts win this game, the credit should be given predominantly to Peyton Manning. There is not a single player on any other team that is more valuable. Manning spends more time in the film room than anyone, he is practically a second head coach on the field, and his entire career as a Colt has been building to this game.

PREDICTION

The match-up in this game will seem familiar to both teams as their roads to the Super Bowl have been against similar adversaries. The Bears had to shut down the #1 offense in the league, the Saints, in the NFC Championship while the Colts had to get past two of the best defenses in the league, the Patriots and the Ravens. This game will answer the perennial sports question: what wins games, offense or defense? I hope each team brings their top level of performance. I don’t want to watch a turnover-ridden performance by Rex Grossman. I do not want to see the Colts defense allow 200 yards rushing. I want the winning team to earn it. It’s the Super Bowl; no freebies.

I envision this game unfolding like Super Bowl XXIX (also coincidentally played in Miami) when Steve Young completely destroyed the Chargers, stripped the monkey from his back, and continued the trend of an NFC dominant league. Now fast forward a decade-ish, replace Young with Manning’s “inability to win the big one,” and flip-flop the best division recognition to the AFC. Similar setting, similar result: Colts 35-17.

9

Morrissey Saturday @ Pasadena Civic Auditorium

Monday29 Brian Wilson @Malibu Performing Arts Center Pennywise @ House of Blues Sunset Strip Tin Panda @ Knitting Factory Submarines @ The Echo Lou Barlow @ Safari Sam’s Broken West @ Spaceland Black Lips @ Westwood Plaza

Tuesday30 Bruce Hornsby @ Malibu Performing Arts Center Bluebeat Lounge @ Knitting Factory Ampop w/ Autodrone @ Cinespace Kaki King @ Largo Nightwatchman(Tom Morello) @ Hotel Cafr Flosstradamus@ Safari Sams Procession @ El Cid

Wednesday31 Garbage, Bonnie Raitt, Keb’Mo @ Alex Theater Ampop w/ Autodrone @ Silverlake Lounge Polysics @ Knitting Factory Tanya Varona @ Catalina Bar & Grill Kaki King @ Hotel Café Chapin Sisters @ Tangier Priscilla Ahn @ Hotel Cafe

Thursday1 Peter, Bjorn and John @ The Roxy Helmet @ Troubadour Morrissey @ Pasadena Civic Auditorium Dosh @ Echo Young Love @ Knitting Factory Pharoah Sanders Quartet @ Catalina Bar & Grill

Friday2 G Love & Special Sauce @ House of Blues Sunset Strip Watson Twins @ The Getty (free w/ RSVP) Margaret Cho @ Largo M.Ward w/ Victoria Williams @ The El Rey The Airborne Toxic Event @ Echo Hidden Hand @ Spaceland Hello Menno @ The Smell KRS-One @ Knitting Factory Dengue Fever @ Temple Bar

Saturday3 Moving Units @ Troubadour Estradasphere @ Knitting Factory Chris Williams @ OC Pavilion Ex-Oblivione @ The Smell Morrissey @ Pasadena Civic Auditorium Paul Weller @ Avalon

Sunday4 The Blow @ Echo Nana Pancha @ Knitting Factory The Game @ House Of Blues Paul Weller @ Avalon

10

Milk Eyes In Malibu

Joanna Newsom at the Malibu Performing Arts Center

T

o say Joanna Newsom is an acquired taste would be an understatement; anyone who’s heard her first album, The Milk-Eyed Mender can attest to that. Ys, her latest release, is even harder to swallow, as each track is ten to fifteen minutes long. But all of this is forgotten when she takes the stage. At the Malibu Performing Arts Center on November 29th, the strikingly pretty and surprisingly elf-like musician speaks softly, welcoming the crowd, and taking a seat at hear harp. She mentions the chilly temperature of the auditorium, to which a drunken male fan responds, “I’ll keep you warm, Joanna!” She giggles.

She heads off the set with a few tracks from The MilkEyed Mender, alone with her harp, leaving the bemused audience wondering about the additional chairs and drumset littering the stage. After performing two tracks from her debut album, and one hauntingly beautiful rendition of a Scottish folk song, Newsom is joined by a band. She introduces them, then announces that she intends to play the entirety of Ys from start to finish for the remainder of the concert. I hear a couple of people seated next to me groan, but the overall reaction to this news is positive.

From the moment she sings the first note of “Emily,” the audience is captive. I am fastened to my chair, unable to move for fear of breaking the spell she has cast on me; hearing her play is as close to euphoria as I’ve gotten without doing anything my mother would disapprove of. With her band’s help, Joanna plays Ys flawlessly—a feat that surely requires a large amount of stamina to accomplish, leaving the audience stunned. At the album’s completion, she and her band leave the stage, and she returns, alone once again, to encore with three more tracks from The Milk-Eyed Mender.

I collect my belongings to leave, nearly forgetting my jaw, which hit the floor at some point during “Only Skin,” the fourth track on Ys, and rested there for the remainder of the show. I struggle to regain my composure, or at the very least, a few of my basic motor skills and realize that my fellow audience members seem to be experiencing a similar sensation: that somehow the world had shifted during the concert, and we had only just noticed. I glance to my left and am pleased to see that even the two groaners from earlier in the concert are unable to wipe the ear-to-ear grins from their faces.

-By Erin Hickey

The Sounds Of Tomorrow

Ryan Kobane sums up the coming year’s most anticipated albums Let’s be honest, what’s more fun than anticipating one of your favorite bands upcoming record? Well, I guess there are a few things, but knowing that bands like Interpol, The Pixies, and Wu-Tang Clan are poised to release some new tunes this year is a very exciting thought.

To end last semester a few of us at the Union Weekly put together what we considered as the best of 2006. Those bands lucky enough to grace our pages weren’t there simply because of their name. Those bands produced extraordinary music that we felt every man, women, and child should know about; and hopefully own. And while many of the bands that released hits last year will not be releasing music in 2007, we wanted to let you know who is. And more importantly, whom you can’t miss!

Interpol - Ok, ok… wait… ok. Fucking Interpol.

Love em’. Ok, I’m done being an obnoxious fan now.

Just in case you weren’t in the know when these guys released their last offering, Antics, or even worse, their classic, Turn on the Bright Lights, it’s time to hop on the bandwagon before their CD comes out sometime in 2007, it should be a doozy! There was a reason they were back-to-back Rolling Stone band of the year people.

The Pixies - coming off of their hugely successful reunion tour people began to talk about a new album; front man Frank Black quickly nicked that. But word is that they are already beginning to record, and plan to release sometime this year. Here’s to hoping that one of the greatest bands of all time can conjure up some of the magic they possessed in the late 80’s.

Modest Mouse - It’s make it or break it time. The addition of Johnny Marr of the Smiths to the mix of an already eclectic group of musicians should be amazing.

But if Isaac Brock can’t see past the dollars of pop stardom/ the dark side, Modest Mouse’s ship could sink before anyone even cares to notice.

Three Mile Pilot - Do you like The Black Heart Procession, or Pinback? Well if you know either of those bands, you should have in some way heard of 3MP. This band was light years ahead of the indie game back in the early 90’s when San Diego was a hot bed for emerging talent. Pick up their album this year and realize that almost everything you listen to today is in some way influenced by what these guys were doing 15 years ago.

Wu Tang Clan - No ODB, but still lyrically and musically some of the most talented MC’s left in the game. These guys have seen thousands of hip-hop/rap artists come and go, and they are still left laying down dope beats and hot tracks. Look for the Wu to once again blow your fucking socks off.

Bloc Party - If Silent Alarm was any indication of what is to come with A Weekend in the City, it’s time to free up some space on that Ipod, or if you are stuck in the 90’s, a spot in your CD case for some time to come.

Honestly, was there any album in 2005 that was sounder from start to finish as Silent Alarm was? I don’t think so.

And here is some inside info, I’ve had this CD for a while

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

now, and it fucking rocks! Pick it up ASAP. Marilyn Manson - I don’t care what anyone says, Manson is as much of a rock star as this generation has ever seen. He may be ugly as fuck, and his lyrics sometimes make me want to gag, but he consistently puts out some of the most ROCKING tracks in this diluted rock era. Give respect where respect is do.

RJD2 - When it comes to catchy beats no one can hold a candle to RJD2. Their sound transcends racial, political, and ethnic borders. I have yet to put an RJD2 track on in a car and not look back and see every single person bobbing up and down with reckless abandon.

Good for all situations, RJD2 is as sure a thing as it gets in music right now. Cop this shit with the quickness.

Wolf Parade - So here is the story behind their first offering, Apologies to the Queen Mary. While playing at the All Tomorrow’s Parties Festival a couple years ago, they pull one of the biggest stunts ever seen by the staff of our very own Queen Mary. They basically broke everything in the room, partied like it was their last day on earth, and became one of the first bands ever to be thrown out of her majesty. Oh yeah, and the album is still on heavy rotation in my car, Ipod, computer, and whenever or wherever I listen to music. Be really happy about this one.

Scarlett Johansson - Yes, you read this correctly, that says Scarlett Johansson. And yes, she is the actress that you think is incredibly hot in almost everything she has ever done. I’m buying this for the cover art and inside sleeve photographs and nothing more.

Radiohead/Guns and Roses - Realistically both of these albums have been years in the making, and no one really knows if they are going to be released this year, but if they are, be prepared to hear copious amounts of Axle Rose and Thom York on the radio waves.

The Fratellis - You’ve seen the new iPod commercials, and you have actually gotten off of your ass and danced around your room with reckless abandon on multiple occasions. The Fratelli’s are the reason you are dancing.

They are already huge in Europe, and you know what they say right? No, neither do I, but I bet you wanna go listen to the Fratelli’s now don’t you?

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Ok, by the time you read this you should have already picked this CD up.

But here’s the thing, the first reviews are not that great. I personally haven’t heard anything from it, but if it is even half as good as their first CD it’s worth picking up.

Arcade Fire - They put on one of the best shows I have ever seen at Coachella, and they produced one of the best albums in recent memory last time around. I love this band, and that means you should too.

Talib Kweli - Is there a more likeable hip-hop artist in the game right now? He has single handedly made it ok to listen to hip-hop in the last decade. Everyone who is rocking bling bling needs to thank this man for giving hip-hop and rap some credibility.

-By Ryan Kobane

29 January 2007

The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Album Reviews T

he world of music criticism has a bad reputation for being haughty and exclusive, the realm of elitist musical scholars and profound audiophiles alone.

And while it’s true that these types of people do gravitate towards musical journalism (some simply to reconcile their personal lack of musical talent), reviewing music is an extremely simple task once you get the hang of it. And because I love sharing knowledge (and it would make my job as an editor easier), I’m going to show you exactly how to do it. If you’ve got a thesaurus and an album nearby, you’ve got the makings of a top-notch album review. Just remember to italicize album titles and put quotes around songs, and then follow this formula: Although today’s (Music genre) scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, (Artist)’s new album (Album title) shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, (Album Title) has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become (his/her/their) trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of (Sonic Youth/Prince/De La Soul, whichever works) in (his/their) heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to their tracks. Though (Album title) offers plenty of quintessential (Artist name) for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well.

(Lead vocalist’s name) has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with (him/her). From the slow swagger of (song title) to the agile ambience of (different song title), the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety. But all of (Album title)’s tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite mustlisten; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the (critic’s lists/radio airwaves) in the near future.

Now you may think that there’s no way that this formula can work for every album from every artist. But music is extremely subjective, and music criticism is even moreso.

For instance, it doesn’t matter if the artist in question actually does shatter the mold, because its entirely your opinion which mold is in question and whether or not it has been shattered. Likewise, the artist’s “trademark” is completely subject to individual opinion and could be nothing more than the artist’s name.

It’s essential that any review you write display a distinctive display of vocabulary prowess. If you can write 200 words without ever repeating an adjective, your review immediately ascends to the top 50% of all album reviews. If you can compare the album you’re reviewing to a renaissance painter or an 19th century president, it jumps to the top 10% of all album reviews. Sure, it

-By Matt Dupree Complete Idiot

Eye To The Telescope Virgin Records

Reviewed by Matt Dupree w/ the Formula

Although today’s songwriter scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, KT Tunstall’s new album Eye To The Telescope shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, Eye To The Telescope has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become her trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of Sonic Youth in their heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to their tracks. Though Eye To The Telescope offers plenty of quintessential KT Tunstall for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well. KT has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with her. From the slow swagger of “False Alarm” to the agile ambience of “Silent Sea,” the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety. But all of Eye To The Telescope’s tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite must-listen; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the radio airwaves in the near future.

Crowded House Farewell To The World Capitol Records

Reviewed by Matt Dupree w/ the Formula

Although today’s pop scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, Crowded House’s new album (Album title) shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, Farewell To The World has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become their trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of Prince in his heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to their tracks. Though Farewell To The World offers plenty of quintessential Crowded House for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well. Crowded House has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with them. From the slow swagger of “Hole In The River” to the agile ambience of “Something So Strong,” the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety.

But all of Farewell To The World’s tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite must-listen; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the critic’s lists in the near future.

Pilot Speed

Jay-Z

Justin Timberlake

Wind-Up Records

Roc-A-Fella Records

Jive Records

Into The West

Kingdom Come

Reviewed by Matt Dupree w/ the Formula

Reviewed by Matt Dupree w/ the Formula

Although today’s rock scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, Pilot Speed’s new album Into The West shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, Into The West has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become their trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of Sonic Youth in their heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to their tracks. Though Into The West offers plenty of quintessential Pilot Speed for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well.

Pilot Speed has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with them. From the slow swagger of “Don’t Stare” to the agile ambience of “Ambulance,” the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety. But all of Into The West’s tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite must-listen; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the critic’s lists/ in the near future.

29 January 2007

would be great if the music actually warranted five-dollar vocabulary and obscure metaphors, but let’s be realistic: most albums won’t.

I’m sure the most questionable section of the formula is the sentence which infers that any album can be appropriately compared to Sonic Youth, Prince or De La Soul in their heyday. The beautiful thing about this statement is that it’s so vaguely positive that although it sounds like weak analogy, it can’t really be proven false. And since it demonstrates a functional knowledge of a classic artist, it makes you the reviewer sound knowledgeable (and thus, correct).

It’s important that your review seem in touch with the artist’s fan base. After all, they’re probably going to scrutinize your review more than anyone. This is why you must include a clause which claims that die-hard fans will absolutely love it. After all, if they don’t love it, are they really die-hard fans? I submit that they are not.

The statement about the vocalist expressing emotions is a bit tricky, and could possibly get you the reviewer in trouble if you should accidentally review an album without lyrics. In such a case, substitute a lead guitarist (or violinist if applicable) and the personal emotion will be assumed entirely instrumental.

When describing songs that you didn’t care to listen to, use oxymoronic descriptions. It may not be an entirely accurate description, but it sounds cryptic enough to chalk up as creative license. It also helps to use descriptive words which aren’t very specific, so that even a discriminating reader will assign their own meaning to your words.

There is no greater weapon in the lazy reviewer’s arsenal than the phrase “modern classic.” It cuts like a razor, making a bold statement that says that the artist had made a major milestone. It’s also impossible to refute, since it’ll take at least 20 years for any definitive answer as to whether the album becomes a classic.

Finally, when writing your conclusion, be sure to call the album a “must-listen.” It seems like a positive statement, but it’s technically not, and it’s vague enough to fit with whatever bullshit you wrote for the body of the review. Obviously the reader must listen to it to disagree with you, so you’ve got them in a catch-22. Let’s not forget the delicious irony of calling it a must-listen when you probably didn’t ever listen to it.

So why not give it a shot?

“Write” a review using the formula, or invent your own formula, and send it to me at matt@lbunion.com

KT Tunstall

Although today’s Hip hop scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, Jay-Z’s new album Kingdom Come shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, Kingdom Come has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become his trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of De La Soul in their heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to his tracks. Though Kingdom Come offers plenty of quintessential Jay-Z for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well. JayZ has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with him. From the slow swagger of “Oh My God” to the agile ambience of “Do U Wanna Ride,” the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety. But all of Kingdom Come’s tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite mustlisten; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the radio airwaves in the near future.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

FutureSex/LoveSounds

Reviewed By Matt Dupree w/ the Formula

Although today’s pop scene seems to keep churning out the same old thing, Justin Timberlake’s new album FutureSex/LoveSounds shatters the mold. Blending subtle nuance with an exhilarating sense of pacing, FutureSex/ LoveSounds has plenty of power without losing that sonic passion that has become his trademark. The album is somewhat reminiscent of Prince in his heyday, but uses that sound as more of a template than a target, choosing a more exploratory approach to their tracks. Though FutureSex/LoveSounds offers plenty of quintessential Justin for die-hard fans, this release is sure to impress first-time listeners as well. JT has a way of expressing personal emotion in such a vivid way that listeners can’t help but empathize with him. From the slow swagger of “SexyBack” to the agile ambience of “Losing My Way,” the track list is ostensibly a case study in variety. But all of FutureSex/LoveSounds’ tracks share one common element: the effortless charm of a modern classic. This album is a definite must-listen; don’t be surprised to find it dominating the radio airwaves in the near future.

11

The Colour Of Music L.A.’s The Colour finds higher ground Between Earth & Sky

I

t’s January 18th, a chilly Thursday that marks the 3rd week of the Colour’s residency shows at Spaceland.

Heavy traffic has held up several members of one of the opening acts and the sound technician is scrambling to compensate. Flyers are being tacked up on walls and stickers are placed in small piles on tables. This is the season of anticipation for the Colour.

Vocalist Wyatt Hull pulls up a stool next to me. He slouches forward, arms folded, and every so often he looks exactly like Val Kilmer circa the Doors movie. I ask him if he’s ever received comments about this. “Yeah.

Every once in awhile.” He replies. Wyatt is reserved; apparently a combination of anxious optimism and taciturn composure. He tells me that if he hadn’t pursued music, he would have liked to be a veterinarian: “I like animals.”

His interest piques on the topic of musical influences, “I love the old rock n’ roll… I love Syd Barrett, T-Rex… I like bands who aren’t afraid to be weird.”

The Colour has come quite a way since forming in 2003. “I was working up at a camp over summer when it was closed down by a fire,” Wyatt recalls. “I ended up living on our drummer Nathan’s porch. Then we just became friends and started a band.”

The band quickly developed an ironclad work ethic, forged in the dog-eat-dog music scene of Los Angeles, “It’s its own little world down here. It’s hard to get people to accept your art here. They’re pretty picky.

“When we first started out, we were kinda lumped into the 80’s revival scene. I don’t know if we really fit there. We could get put into throwback a little, but we haven’t yet. People have really thought it’s something fresh. There’s a modern flair there.”

The Colour soon hit the road, sharing the stage with acts like the Moving Units and OK Go. “We were touring with OK Go coming back from Las Vegas, and they started a food fight on the road. They had like a grocery store in their van, and we had just 2 pieces of trash that we were trying to figure out how to do the most damage with. Pretty much outgunned.” As fun and exciting as it seems, the road hasn’t been kind to the guys’ wallets. “We were in London and we didn’t have enough money to get an extra room so we had to sneak people in the window.” Living the rock life can hit some pretty rough spots.

“We’re pretty homeless right now. We have great friends who’ve been putting us up each night. We’re really hoping the record release opens some doors for us.”

Here lies the source of the expectation that hangs palpably in the air. Their debut album, entitled Between Earth And Sky and coming out February 6th, will be the crystallization of three years of hard living in pursuit of their music. “We moved up to Nashville for 3 months to do our album. We did it all live to tape to get a really warm sound like a live performance.” The album is a powerful piece of rock n’ roll, deeply rooted in the traditions of classic rock and blues. Everything about the album feels extremely honest and unassuming: a pure musical expression that sacrifices neither intensity nor intimacy. Hull’s voice is vivaciously masculine, with an unashamed explosiveness that sounds unlike anything in contemporary music. Not that this is, as some may suggest, a throwback sound; it simply seems to transcend the trappings of any particular time period.

His lyrics are poetic yet simple; a slightly figurative take on familiar material. “I’m not trying to do anything too pretentious with it.”

Intentional or not, Hull manages to display considerable range, conveying complicated emotional states in uncomplicated language and remarkable imagery with ease. “I just write it from the heart and try to put a good melody to it.”

The band is an insatiable touring machine. Wyatt shows no hesitation in saying that the band is primarily a live act. “We’d love to tour more. That’s our strongest quality. People really like our live show.” The crowd that gathers proves his point. A large contingent of them

are attending their 2nd or 3rd Colour show at Spaceland this month. The guys are constantly approached for handshakes and congratulations as the opening acts perform, and are on a first-name basis with many of the fans they chat with.

A couple hours after our interview, the Colour takes the stage. Instantly, the calm and leisurely manner of the band gave way to a stormy spectacle of rock n’ roll glory.

Wyatt struts about the stage with a serpentine swagger while Davey, Derek and Nathan thunder wildly against the gaudy blue-and-silver curtains all around them.

Within 3 songs the crowd is fully entranced. The band rocked slower tunes such as “Silver Meadows” and “Bearded Lady” with equal passion as their barn burner tracks “Our Children Were The Stars” and “Devil’s Got A Holda Me.” You could almost feel the foundation crack when they finally wrapped up their set.

While it’s certainly not surprising that a band of their acclaim and caliber could put on a captivating live performance, there seems to be something more elusive at work with the Colour. Perhaps it’s some sort of cohesive quality, with the whole being more than the sum of its parts. Perhaps they channel the art of previous successes, and their appeal is simply a well-played pantomime of rock royalty. I don’t believe their power lies in anything so obvious as this, but neither would I claim to truly understand it. I can only hope that it earns them the respect and accolade they deserve for all the hard work and love they’ve poured into their music.

It’s hard to get people to accept your art here.

They’re pretty picky

29 January 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

13

Bob Saget talks about Alaskan strip clubs, Jewish penguins and sex with Dave Coulier.

Interview by Brian Dunning Union Weekly – Your new film Farce of the Penguins looks at the mating habits of Emperor Penguins in Antarctica. Of all movies to spoof, what was so appealing about doing a heart-felt documentary about penguins?

Bob Saget – An Oscar-winning documentary about penguins. I was watching the original movie and I couldn’t believe how crazy it was that they walk 75 miles – it takes three months – they have sex once a year, and there are jokes in here – they’re like my relatives – and so I narrated it while I watched it, then I called my buddy David Permut and said, “You know what, this is just funny to me”, so we met with National Geographic and Warner Independent, and they said it’s a funny idea to take Morgan Freeman off and put your voice on as narrator, but we can’t really do it. It’s against the law; it’s made by these wonderful French directors, who made this beautiful movie.

And so then David suggested we just go get stock footage, so we met and talked with Think Film and they said “we’d love to finance this thing” and they did and we ended up going through 200 hours with Michael Miller, this really talented editor. He started and worked his ass off for six, seven months and we cut together this footage to this scratch track of dialogue and it became a movie. I’m just very proud that it worked out at all.

What is it about penguins that make them so ripe for humor?

Well they really do look like members of Hillel. That sounds racist, I didn’t mean it that way. They look like orthodox rabbis a little bit.

When you look at them, the gracefulness of their bodies – trying to get out of the hole I just dug – they have a human quality to them. And so there was the humanness, and the beauty to them too, and there’s obviously the comedic look to them, they look like those clowns you punch that pop back up again.

A lot of people have begun comparing your success on 1 vs 100 to NBC’s other hit Deal or No Deal. Do you see yourself becoming the next Howie Mandel?

Well, I’m going to shave my head and the rest of my body as well. No, I don’t see myself becoming the next anybody, I never have. I love Howie. Howie is one of the reasons I even did the show at all. It’s an hour of prime-time television for better or for worse, and the idea is to entertain people. Howie said they [Endemol] were good people to work for, and loved the experience. My show was number 5 last week, out of all the shows on television. I don’t

14

I like shrapnel to an old man’s head. Where you know that once the video cuts, when the people in the studio laugh, he did not survive. mind having a hit show, and if it will allow me to make people laugh, I’m fine with that.

Your popularity with young college crowds is at an all time high right now, do you think it’s because you became a father figure to them when you were on Full House and doing Americas Funniest Home Videos?

I think people really responded. They grew up watching me, and Dave [Coulier], John [Stamos], and all the people who were on that show. I really love college audiences, and I think that’s what it’s about. I just love being there, I’ve kind of always been a 20 year old, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Are there some types of crowds that you just don’t connect with?

I worked a strip club 25 years ago in Alaska, and it was a place where a lot of us went in. I went in with Kevin Nealon and [Jay] Leno had worked there. They paid you cash, and the people in the crowd smoked pot and had guns, both of which were legal in Alaska.

That was probably one of my worst gigs. It was pretty damn quiet.

You’ve been on the circuit doing stand up for a while now, what was the reaction like a month ago when the Michael Richards incident happened?

It’s interesting, my dad got really sick this year, and I’ve been really busy doing this TV show, and finishing up Penguins, so I really didn’t go in and do a lot of stand-up in the Laugh Factory. I haven’t been there since it happened. But one night on the road, I was doing a theater and it was sold-out, the crowd was really rowdy, and it was fun. This guy yells out from the audience, “Do something like Kramer!” And I just said, “Dude, you know what, the world’s suffering enough, shut the fuck up.” It’s really just not something that needs to be given any attention. There’s so much hurt in the world, you feel it every minute, but I just want to do whatever I can do get away from it.

Your song “Danny Tanner was not Gay” has been making the rounds on YouTube.

Yeah, that’s unfortunate. Legally, they’re not supposed to have it on there. We’re trying to figure out whether or not to do a cease-and-desist with them because they’re not supposed to have it, but I’m doing a special, so hopefully it’ll be

gone before too much of the world sees it. I’m shooting the special in a few months, and the entire audience will probably sing it with me.

Do you find that having a good sense of humor about Full House helps you connect with the audience?

Yeah, I definitely do. People grew up watching it, and when you say what people are thinking, even when it’s about yourself, that’s where comedy comes from. It’s just honesty.

I remember when, of course I’m on a lesser level, but when Richard Pryor was doing his stand-up after he had had his fire accident, he was doing this stand-up and he took a match, lit it, and said, “here’s a quick impression of Richard Pryor” and made it look like it was running. When you’re telling people about yourself and they know about you, it’s right in their face, it’s disarming.

And now, the Lightning Round Mary Kate or Ashley?

If you mean just taking them to lunch, and going over old times, I can’t pick one. I know that’s not what you mean, and they know that too, and that’s what’s so great about them, they knew about the Countdown. They’re very wise.

They’re the TV daughters, I can’t go there.

Kimmy Gibbler or DJ? Kimmy because she’s annoying when she comes in the house, so maybe she’ll be easier on the way out.

Uncle Jesse or Joey?

Well, that’s a tough one. I’d say Uncle Jesse because Dave Coulier has a farting problem, he’s just sloppy back there, so if you’re going to make that choice, you don’t want to get all dirty.

Kick to the balls or falling on roller skates?

That’s really tough. I like shrapnel to an old man’s head. Where you know that once the video cuts, when the people in the studio laugh, he did not survive.

Puking brides or Jackalopes?

Well, actually, if you jackalope into a bride’s mouth, she’s going to puke. But since the jackalope was Dave Coulier doing a voice on America’s Funniest People, I’d have to go for the puking bride, because the next time I get married, I’m sure that’s going to be the reaction.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

2001: A Space Odyssey, Gone With The Wind, Goodfellas, these are just a few of the films comparable to the newest edition to the classic film genre: Farce of the Penguins. The film has to be one of the most hilarious romps through the secret world of those wacky, well-dressed mammals since, well since ever!

Watching the film for the first time is like eating filet mignon with a side of fresh green beans and then slowly drinking a glass of fifty year-old Merlot while discussing the political climate of Tanzania, it is that good. I would have never foreseen the brilliance of Carlos Mencia playing a weed-smoking penguin. Who does that?! Ha-ha!

Furthermore, the non-stop laughs brought on by narrator, Samuel L. Jackson’s tremendous ability to make jokes about “butt holes,” well, terrifyingly funny. His presence in the film is as imperative as Marlon’s Brando’s was in The Godfather. It is amazing how flawlessly and effortlessly he is commands the direction of the film to follow his every step, through snow, through heat, and through the dramatic and heart-wrenching plight of these brave little creatures.

Of all the movies to come out in the past, I would say, 112 years, this is the one to buy without question. The DVD is sure to bring you hours, nay, days of joy and tenderness.

Bob Saget has done no better deed than to have written this film. Sure there is the AIDS drive, abstinence awareness, and even the whole adopt a child from Uganda thing, but this tops them all. If an unfortunate youth is starving to death, what do you think would help them more, a steak, or a big fat slab of comedy? Mmm, tastes just like chicken.

29 January 2007

A Human Race to the Finish A Review of Children of Men

By Erin Hickey

C

hildren of Men, set in the year 2027, tells the story of a troubled world where all women are infertile and all of the world’s nations but Britain have crumbled, prompting numerous illegal immigrants to flock to London. The film begins with an attention-grabber: in a coffee shop, a crowd watches as a newscaster announces that eighteen year-old “Baby” Di-

ego, the youngest person in the world, has just died. Though the pace drops for a while to allow for character-development, smaller signs of the fear and desperation that have gripped the world are constantly visible. In the background of nearly every city scene, billboards read “avoiding fertility tests is a crime,” and monitors in buses and subways repeat the same televised warning against harboring illegal immigrants.

Immigrants who have made it past the border are held in large chain-link cages that litter street corners, where they are held before they are deported.

What I enjoyed most about this movie was the subtlety with which director Alfonso Cuarón (of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and Y tu mamá también fame) portrays a time twenty years in the future. There are neither robot slaves, nor flying cars, and there are certainly no matching unitards. Rather, there are small differences in the design of the same technology and appliances we employ today. While some would argue that technology would have changed more rapidly from today to 2027 than it appears to have in the film, I find it thoroughly believable.

I mean, think about it: if you knew you were probably goPhoto Courtesy of Universal Pictures ing to be the last generation of

Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures

human beings on earth, would you really be worried about improving upon science and technology, or would you be deep in the throes of clinical depression?

The film picks up when Theo Faron, the main character, played by Clive Owen, is abducted by a group of “terrorists,” one of whom is his previous love-interest, Julien Taylor (Julianne Moore). They charge him with the task of obtaining transit papers for a woman who, as he later discovers, is pregnant. With the future of humanity resting upon his shoulders, Theo must safely transport the woman who will soon bear the first human child in eighteen years to The Human Project, a group of scientists who are desperately trying to salvage the human race.

Jasper Palmer (Michael Caine) is by far the most interesting character in the movie; as Theo’s friend and mentor, he offers both a humanizing element and small bits of comic relief throughout the movie. Jasper is a stereotypical hippie, dwelling with his

catatonic wife in the English countryside, where he grows marijuana (ironically still illegal, despite the country’s desperation for release) for a living.

To divulge any more of the plot would ruin the movie, but I will tell you that Children of Men offers one of the most chilling and strikingly realistic views of what the future may hold. Interestingly enough, modern scientists have recently issued a warning that high-levels of trans-fat in women’s diets may lead to infertility, so this seemingly drastic scenario may not be so far off-base.

Like many good movies, this one was based on a novel. I’ve yet to read the book, written by P.D. James, but the film follows a literary format, beginning with a bang, tapering off into character development, then culminating when everything collides.

I highly recommend that you see it, though I’m not sure if I’d see it again—the horrifying depiction of what our future may hold is all just a little too close to home.

My Pan-ties Are in a Bunch A Review of Pan’s Labyrinth

I remember reading several months ago about how director Guillermo del Toro almost called his Oscar-nominated film a wash when he left four years of sketches in the backseat of a British cab. He didn’t even notice that his leather notebook was missing until the taxi took off down the busy London street, and after running until he was too short of breath he watched as his four-year obsession and the taxi disappeared into a sea of grey clouds and crowded road.

Luckily for him, and for us, the cabbie happened to notice the notebook in the back, and working only from a piece of stationery with only the hotel logo, he returned it to the elated director two days later. The $900 tip he received was well earned.

Guillermo took that providence as a sign and began feverishly working on Pan’s Labyrinth, a fairy tale film more appropriate for adults with an appeal for gore than anyone else. While the magical world of a small girl’s mind takes hold of reality, the ends and the means are what make this film too dark for even the Grimm brothers to have attempted.

In rural Spain, post-Fascism, a war for power still permeates the forests around young Ofelia’s new home, the military base of a malicious captain who also happens to be the father of Ofelia’s newborn brother. As she tries to escape the tyrannical stronghold she discovers that within the farm grounds there lies a secret labyrinth, and guided by fairies and her natural inclination for enchantment, she meets Pan. Those who can stop obsessing about the visual smorgasbord in front of them soon learn that Ofelia is actually the lost princess of the Underworld and that she is now faced with three challenges in order to return to her throne.

What del Toro does so well in this film is keep you wondering how you are seeing what is in front of you. When someone’s face gets sliced and you watch as they sew it up, you can’t help but look for the seam in the green screen magic; here you will never find it. When Pan walks on screen with his creaky bottom half and his large ram horns there is never a glitch or clue revealed that breaks the fourth wall.

The two main actresses in the film, 12 year-old Ivana Baquero and Maribel Verdú of Y Tú Mamá También share a chemistry that really helped the film gain some realism that the giant

29 January 2007

killer frog and evil child eater may have taken away. The cast as a whole worked well together and created contrasting environments of fantasy and reality that, in the end, melded to a bittersweet close.

If you have little siblings I wouldn’t recommend taking them to see it, if not because the film is subtitled (in Spanish with English subtitles) then for the fact that it is gruesome, dark, and geared more towards the mature crowd.

-By Katie Wynne

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

All of us here at the Union Weekly have been festering over the recently announced Oscar noms.

Most people don’t really care who wins or loses. In fact, until last year when Jon Stewart hosted, nobody even watched the Oscars. I can respect that. For me, though, the Oscars have always been an event, a guiding light of cinematic knowledge and appreciation… that was until I realized that the Academy is a bunch of clueless jackanapes.

For example, this year Click is nominated. Click, starring Adam Sandler, is an Oscar-nominated film.

Click! The moment they announced that, I knew that was the very end for me.

In addition to giving credit where it certainly isn’t due, the Academy also continues to pass on films that truly were the best of the year. Children of Men was by far one of the best movies to come out in the past five years, and yet it gets only three nods, none of which are for acting. Bootless elf-skinned louts! Yes, the screenplay, cinematography and editing all deserve to be mentioned, but the fact that Cuarón was snubbed for directing is piss-poor.

Then there is the main event, the moment that we have been waiting for since 1980 when Marty was snubbed for Raging Bull. Of course the Academy proceeded to snub him four more times for his directing nominations, and this year should be his year. However, some speculate that while The Departed deserves the vote, Eastwood may swipe the golden boy. Either way, watching the last five minutes of the Oscars will be epic. You will either see Marty, for the sixth time, be dismissed, or you will hear his long-awaited acceptance speech.

This year’s host is my girl crush, Ellen DeGeneres, who hopefully will keep the show somewhat tolerable in-between those epic remembrance montages. However, it probably isn’t worth it.

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Reel News Seraphim Falls R Samuel Goldwyn Films LLC

Smokin’ Deuces A Review of Smokin’ Aces

By Phil Vargas

S

even hitmen, one mark, the shit is about to hit the fan. As you gear up for what is expected to be a fast-paced action shootout, you soon find yourself shockingly disappointed. Smokin’ Aces enters the chamber and as the hammer slams down, there is only the silence of a misfiring dud.

One of the movie’s few saving graces was the action sequences, which were scarce at best. The first twenty minutes that you expect to be filled with action and gore are stuffed with bits and pieces of shoddy jokes and rabbit punches that are meant to make you laugh just long enough not to realize that you came to see an action movie and not a comedy.

This carrot is dangled in front of the viewer for far too long before they are rewarded with the very thing that was expected to be coursing throughout the feature: hard-hitting full-throttle action.

Fast-flying gunfire illuminates the theatre as the vision of the director comes to life behind the eyes of the gun-toting mercenaries that are all in pursuit of one man: Buddy “Aces” Israel (Jeremy Piven).

Sprinkled intermittently throughout are truncated segments of murder and violence that whet the appetite before dinner is finally served in the slaughterhouse of the Nomad Casino. When the big action sequence comes, it comes in double vision as two separate acts of carnage that are carried out simultaneously. Blood paints the walls red and all is right in the world for the time being as you trudge onward through a carpet of gore and shell casings.

The compilation of cast members in Smokin’ Aces is as varied as a full deck, with just as many aces and deuces. The advantage that this has within the context of the film is that it allows for the viewer to attain a sample of the gambit, giving any viewer one or more characters that they can identify with. The problem with having so many unnecessary characters within the story is that there are too many players in the game to follow, creating the same effect as trying to pick a card out of a shuffling deck; once you think you have it, it’s gone. It is almost as though the director was relying on the

Photos Courtesy of Universal Pictures

star-studded cast alone to support a film that hobbled along on a gimp leg. Focusing on a few of the stellar performances, such as the one given by Jeremy Piven, would have made a far more entertaining movie than the house of cards amassed throughout the film.

It’s always a disappointment when the strings behind the illusion are revealed, as is the case with the elaborate plot that is haphazardly weaved throughout the movie. With bits and pieces of useless information and storyline thrown in between the outcome of the elaborate hit, the aftermath is easily seen halfway through, leaving the viewer feeling frustrated from having discovered that they’ve seen through the shroud of cinematic misdirection. The weakness of the plotline is only further exacerbated by the onslaught of spliced flashbacks and recaps of what has just been seen over the last hour and a half, spelling out the revelation at the end for anyone who may be a little slow on the uptake or simply younger than the age of five. Even if you don’t mind being told what has just happened you probably won’t catch it since it whirls by so fast if you just happen to blink you’ll probably miss the barrage of images that can’t help but make you shake your head in discontent.

Despite the weak parts of the film the few amazing performances and action sequences that are present make up for the movie’s shortcomings…barely.

It’s heartbreaking to look at something that had so much potential just flop on the ground like a dead fish. In my opinion if you have to see a movie this week, then Smokin’ Aces may not be the worst choice to make, but I wouldn’t go running to the theatres to go and see it if I were you.

Even though it debuted in limited release last week, my pick for this week, if you can find it, is hands down, Seraphim Falls. Revitalizing a seemingly forgotten genre, this western starring Pierce Brosnan and Liam Neeson, takes you on a journey set in the backdrop of the American Civil War, through a tale of vengeance and survival. The repercussions of war resound throughout the mountains as the actions of the past catch up to those who have forsaken them long ago. As the compelling Liam Neeson pursues his prey, Pierce Brosnan, a trail of blood leads into the vast wilderness where two men will face off atop of the countless numbers whom have fallen in the pursuit of a final act of retribution. What is right and what is wrong, all are in the eyes of the beholder but one thing that is definitely right this week is a certain gun-slinging epic that will be striding into theatres near you.

The Messengers PG-13 Columbia Pictures Another pathetic attempt at a horror flick stinks up the not-all-that-great line up for this week with the debut of The Messengers. The film appears to be just another dud in this failing genre with freaky little poltergeists running around a farm that only a little boy, who can’t even talk, can see. I think I’ve already pissed myself laughing at just the idea of how horrible this film is going to be. Relying heavily on the past precedence of other horror movies, such as The Ring and The Grudge, it appears that The Messengers is nothing more than a rip-off that is going to try to scare up an audience this week by sticking to the tried and true formula of suck.

Because I Said So PG-13 Universal Studios Did anyone order a chick flick because I believe Because I Said So is ready to be served. A mother, Diane Keaton, scorned by love in the past, attempts to find the right man for her youngest daughter, Mandy Moore, in order to spare her the pain that she herself has felt in the past.

The weepy romance unfolds as Keaton discovers in the process of searching for love that the love she needs may not be much further than she thinks. Which is a completely new concept as yet unseen in the romantic comedy. Pulling some jabs and punches this movie may be just the thing for that Friday night date or for anyone who loves to see a tear-jerker at the theater.

Seven Days, Seven Shows. Here’s What You Should Be TiVoing This Week...

Survivorman Marathon (Discovery) Friday 8-11 pm The Office (NBC) Thursday 8:30 pm Heroes (NBC) Monday 9 pm Rome (HBO) Sunday 9 pm Studio 60 (NBC) Monday 10 pm Extras: Series Two (HBO) Sunday 10 pm The Super Bowl (CBS) Kickoff 3:30 pm

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

29 January 2007

Previews • Reviews • Release Dates

Forest Rules The Jungle

Six Feet Under The Complete Series

A Review of The Last King of Scotland

A

llowing his future to be decided by nothing more than chance, Nicholas Garrigan (played by newbie British actor James McAvoy), spun his household globe once, and recklessly placed his index finger on Africa. Just days after graduating with a prestigious medical degree, young Garrigan opts for the unknown; a life millions of miles from his father’s shadow, and even further from his privileged upbringing. Nicholas’ finger ultimately lands on Uganda, a land he knows nothing about, and so begins The Last King of Scotland.

Full of piss and vinegar, and an idealized concept of fun through adventure, Nicholas begins his voyage with grandiose visions of being a savior to the masses; but this lasts all of a week. After having a chance meeting with the newly crowned President of Uganda, General Idi Amin (played by Forest Whitaker), Garrigan is offered the position of personal physician to the President by Amin himself.

From the second Whitaker takes the screen, his infectious laugh and childish smile demand your sympathy and love, making it all too easy to forget what a maniacal dictator he was; you like him instantly. Placing himself directly beside recent legendary performances such as Philip Seymour Hoffman’s portrayal of Truman Capote, and Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles, Whitaker matches the charisma of Amin note for note. Going from zero to serial killer quicker than Hannibal Lecter, Whitaker forces you to believe his cause is

29 January 2007

just, and leaves you almost in disbelief that Amin could have been such a deplorable human being.

But quickly the relationship between Garrigan and Amin escalates to a level that almost seems comically unrealistic.

Within a few weeks, Garrigan is going to meetings in place of Amin, making million dollar business deals, and standing by his side during press conferences. Garrigan’s unwarranted ascension to the top of the Ugandan power struggle undoubtedly brings hatred from within Amin’s camp, leaving Garrigan paranoid and suspicious; much like his counterpart Amin.

As the suspense escalates, and it becomes clear that Amin isn’t the goodhearted man-child he makes everyone believe, Garrigan decides that it is time to leave Uganda, and return to the sanctuary he was so quick to take for granted back home. But as Amin puts it, “Uganda is your home now!” and refuses to let his number one adviser leave while his reign is in such turmoil.

While The Last King of Scotland plays out like so many other films depicting Africa’s struggle within; a hostile, godless, land of bloodthirsty tyrants, director Kevin Macdonald deserves praise for allowing the actors to shine through a story line that really doesn’t urge you to do much thinking post-viewing.

It’s obvious that Whitaker carries the film on his broad shoulders, and will in my mind follow his Golden Globe with an Oscar for best actor. But the real surprise is James

McAvoy’s performance. He will not garner nominations, nor will he be propelled into immediate stardom, but if this performance is any sign of things to come, McAvoy will be gracing the silver screen in numerous pictures in the near future.

In a day and age where almost every film that’s deemed Oscar-worthy has some kind of political or social agenda, the issues and topics can become heavily over symbolic and cliché. But The Last King of Scotland steers clear of the norm throughout, providing powerful performances that show a lovable madman and a hypocritical hero. I strongly urge everyone to see this film that certainly deserves to be regarded as one of this year’s best movies.

-By Ryan Kobane

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

This DVD was a completely new experience for me. On a whim, I put this set on my Christmas list for my grandparents, since I’m a fan of Alan Ball (writer/director of American Beauty), as well as Sports Night’s Peter Krause. When I opened it up, however, I had never seen a single episode of Six Feet Under, since it’s HBO. As my fiancée and I have plowed through episode after episode, I’ve been blown away by the level of writing, acting and directing.

If you’ve never seen the show, or heard much about it, it’s a family saga about the Fishers, who own an independent funeral home in Los Angeles. The show begins right before Nathaniel Fisher is killed, leaving his business to his two sons, one of whom is a tightwad who’s grown up obsessed with the family business, the other a free spirit who moved to Seattle and works in a co-op.

Each episode begins with a one minute depiction of someone dying; the deceased then moves into the background of the story as we follow the lives of the people who prepare them for their viewing, and then bury them. It’s hard not to go on and on about the show, because every episode is so rich; if you watch them with someone else, you’ll have hours of discussion material.

The package itself is part of what’s so remarkable about it, though. It’s the first Complete Series I’ve ever owned, and I have to say it’s a damn nice way to watch a show. The five season sets came boxed in a gorgeous case that has a tombstone and fake grass on top, and a soil pattern on the sides so it looks like a cross-section of a grave. It’s also got all the usual extras that came on the season sets when they were released initially, including commentaries, deleted scenes, and featurettes that are actually really interesting. As far as physical possessions go, it’s a pretty rad one.

-By Mike Guardabascio

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The Golden Compass

I have no clue what that means, but it sounds really meaningful, I totally believe whatever the fuck that means. I think it says something to the effect that my mom is going to give me a present.. ROCK ON! I love presents. I can’t wait until my mom gives me a present… I hope it’s a Wii! Ohhh, that would be soooo rad if my mom gave me a Wii! Maybe this book will tell me if I’m getting a Wii…

By Philip ������� Pullman ������� Yearling Books 399 Pages $7.50 Reviewed By Philip Vargas

The Tao is ungraspable. How can her mind be at one with it? Because she doesn’t cling to ideas.

This Week: Taoism Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu ARE THOSE EVEN WORDS?! I have no idea how to say the title of this book. You’d think that if you were going to read something, you should at least be able to know how to say the title, but no. taahhhh…. tehhh…. Ching… by laaahhhh tehzzzzzz. That can’t be right, no way. This is bullshit. Whatever it’s what’s inside the book that counts… I hope all of the words in this book aren’t like that. It’s bad enough that they’re words, but if they aren’t pronounceable someone’s getting a flaming sack of shit on their doorstep.

WOAH! This is great! There are like 3 sentences in a chapter! I’ve only been reading this for an hour and I’m already on chapter 4!

Check it out, we can read it together: The Tao is called the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds.

It is always present within you.

18

CRAP! I’m almost positive that that says something about my mom being forgetful.

IT’S TOTALLY RIGHT. MY MOM FORGETS SHIT ALL OF THE TIME! She probably forgot how hard I wanted a Wii. DAMNIT . DAMN YOU LAHH TEHZZZZ! I should totally start talking like that, maybe people would take me more seriously… Here, I’m gonna try it, and if you believe what I write you should let me know, because then I’ll talk like that all of the fucking time: Books know many words but they know few things The illiterate knows few words yet their knowledge is infinite Words come from the mouth, while paper comes from the jungle Which of these is less scary?

The mouth holds only tooth and tongue, while jungles have tigers and bears aplenty Tigers and bears are the scariest beasts of all and will probably kill you Books are the tiger’s claws, and the bear’s teeth Both will kill you Books are suckey.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was the most profound thing ever. Now I just need to work on my Yoda voice and I’ll be rad.

J

ourney through the gateway crafted

by Philip Pullman that is The Golden Compass, book one of three in His Dark Materials, into a world that isn’t much different than our own. Pullman skillfully crafts a reality that in theory could possibly coexist aside this one, leaving the passive observer to be none the wiser. But in the world of The Golden Compass, the soul of an individual isn’t simply an incorporeal abstract that resides within the individual, their soul sits upon their shoulder or walks beside them in the form of an animal better known as a daemon. However, despite how cheerful the façade may be within this world, darkness is gathering, as the future of the children and their daemons sways in the balance unless a courageous and valiant young girl, Lyra, and her daemon find out what is snatching children from the shadows and what it has to do with this strange new material called Dust.

Pullman explores several interesting aspects of the human condition that often times are hastily overlooked. One of the most interesting of these aspects is the fear of the unknown. Within the first few

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

pages of the novel the reader is introduced to a strange substance known as Dust which appears to be ever present but never ordinarily seen. Consequently, two particularly strong characters, Mrs. Coulter and Lord Asriel, travel to the far north in pursuit of that which others fear, for their own mysterious reasons. Is the answer to destroy what isn’t understood or is the true path one of discovery and exploration of the unknown?

The religious aspect buried beneath the context of the book also offers another curious view into society. It seems that the antagonist of the novel in general takes on the face of the­ Magisterium, a religious government that rules supreme, which seems to believe that in performing certain acts that are taboo against the culture, people are better off for it. The consequences of their actions reverberate throughout the land and eventually fall upon Lyra and her friends, who will not go quietly into the darkness. Within this seemingly spellbound fantasy, a question is posed: how far will a power go in pursuit of what they believe to be right for the people, despite the costs in the process.

Overall, this book is definitely up there with other works in its genre, written by authors such as C.S. Lewis. At first glance it may seem to be simply an innocent story but to look beyond the veil is to see a lesson in life. If you’re looking for a quick read to entertain and make you think a little, then The Golden Compass is for you.

29 January 2007

The Children’s Hospital

Superman The Original Man of Steel

By Chris ������ Adrian ������ McSweeney’s Books 610 Pages $24.00 Reviewed By Erin Hickey

C

hris Adrian’s The Children’s Hospital is a post-apocalyptic tale of the residents of ­­­ a children’s hospital, trapped aboard a modern Noah’s Ark after a storm floods the rest of the world. It is also near impossible to review, as it is incomparable to anything I’ve read in the past. I could say it evokes Vonnegut, but that would be a lie. Yes, it is the type of story he might pen, but Adrian’s writing style is far more intricate and emotional.

I only mention Vonnegut, because to say that The Children’s Hospital had elements of fantasy and science fiction without doing so would be misleading. I’ve tried to describe it to several people, only to be met with bemused stares, raised eyebrows, and possibly the worst of all, “Oh, so it’s like Harry Potter.” It is not in the least bit like Harry Potter, though I am an admitted fan of the series. Adrian writes with a level of complexity that I haven’t seen in quite a while, producing a novel that is not only a riveting page-turner, but a philosophical marvel as well.

The story is told by the recording angel, whose fate is sealed as an observer and narrator, never allowed to intervene in the events that unfold. As the story progresses, other angels emerge, including the omnipotent and meddling preserving angel who occupies the walls and basement of the hospital, speaking with and encouraging each resident, whether or not they desire her company. Though ostensibly, this narrative revolves around the survivors of large-scale destruction, it also delves into the numbing effects of per-

sonal loss, and the challenges of becoming close to others after the death of a loved one.

While the majority of the survivors mourn those lost in the flood, or as it comes to be known around the hospital, “The Thing,” Jemma is left unmoved. Having lost both of her parents, her brother, and her only serious boyfriend earlier in life, she fears that everyone she cares for is cursed to die in horrible ways, and will not allow herself to become close with anyone. She struggles with this, feeling guilty both for her lack of grief and for her inability to open herself up to Rob, her love interest and fellow doctor.

Despite the tragedy, hospital life goes on as usual, with no foreseeable end to the work: as time passes, the patients worsen, though none die, and the hospital staff have no choice but to continue to treat them. This continues for some time until Rob is injured while assisting a surgery and Jemma becomes responsible for Thing Two. After Thing Two, the hospital dynamic changes drastically, and Jemma and those around her are forced to reevaluate their positions at the hospital.

Though I will not reveal what Thing Two was, it wouldn’t matter if I did, since to do so would only ruin one of the major plot twists, and this novel’s shockers are in large supply.

Even the most perceptive reader will find it difficult to complete the book without being surprised at least twice.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a great deal of difficulty describing The Children’s Hospital, and this is mainly because it is one of the best books I’ve read in quite a while—or ever. It recently made amazon.com’s “Top 50 Books of 2006” list, and with good cause. If you buy a single book this year, make it this one. It’s over six-hundred pages long, so you’ll certainly get your money’s worth. I couldn’t possibly recommend this book more highly, nor could I do it justice in a review. I don’t care how you get your hands on it—buy it, steal it, rent it from the library, heck, I’ll even loan it to you—just please read this book.

By Mark ����� Waid ���� DC Comics 314 Pages $19.99

Reviewed By Kenny Hardy

For most people, when they hear the word “superhero” they usually think of Superman. Although most people never really understand or relate to the “Man of Steel” fully, they still have heard of him. Even though Superman is extremely big in pop culture, not many people can relate to the old Superman stories and need something fresher and more real.

Superman Birthright fulfills this, while making Superman easy to relate to in this overcritical, capitalistic, frightening world we live in.

Mark Waid the writer of Superman Birthright, really brings a more genuine Superman to his audience. Waid really nails the separation of personalities of Clark Kent and Superman. Clark is just an act, an alien trying to be human, while Superman is the true defender of justice and truth. Mark also brings a new feel to other characters in Superman’s life.

For example Lex Luthor, the series’ arch-nemesis, was actually Clark Kent’s childhood friend from Smallville. He tries to help Lex by being his only pal in the small farm community, but it leads to isolation of Lex and his discovery of Superman’s greatest weakness, Kryptonite.

Another character that has a new twist is Ma Kent, who Clark confides in throughout the story. Ma helps Clark make his Superman outfit while helping him discover himself. The most remarkable part of this new take on an iconic character is that Clark is continuing to try and find his true identity. This allows anyone to relate to Superman because we all at one point of our lives try to find our identity. Also, like Superman, an alien from Krypton, we all try to discover our purpose in this world.

Mark Waid did a phenomenal job writing this story. I recommend Superman Birthright to anyone, especially fans of the show Smallville. It is full of complexities and touches on a very common topic: identity.

Daily Specials

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

Superbowl Sunday: Show up early for 30 lbs. of free chicken wings and $2.00 tacos!

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 29 January 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

19

[Creative Arts] Scorched Earth

By Philip V argas

As the wayward traveler’s eyes wander They fall upon the land As his heart plummets into darkness He gazes at the razing of the earth

The fires of industry greedily devour Mother of creation ravaged by the fruit of her womb Ravenous flames lick the meat The sweet smell of ages As a century crumbles to ash As the arcane smoke of progress ascends So does hope plunge into the inferno The ferocious fires roar to be fed Only when all is consumed will peace reign Only when there is nothing As the brittle charred earth cracks Only memories remain Cascading in the mist of the mind The forest lives Tears shall rain down upon their roots And hope will give them warmth As the last embers fade Life still lingers Beneath the wasteland a new beginning Birth from death Life finds a way

Illustration By Jimmy Dinh

Age of Man

By Philip V argas

Flame of potential flickers into existence Feeble steps announce his coming Fumbling to grasp that which is seen Dreams dance faintly in the distance Whispers in the wind softly cry The inner spirit drives him on

The Best Of Both Worlds Baby!

She smiles at me with what could only be described as bedroom eyes. Her bleach blonde hair falling just short of her massive fake breasts that were doing their best to pop every stitch on her miniscule top, which ends far above her belly button. Her stomach disappears into one of the shortest pleated skirts I have ever had the pleasure to see.

She is one of those girls you should only see on T.V. late at night or in a wet dream; but here she is in my store trying on shoes.

I greet her as she comes in and give her the standard, can I help you with anything line. Something I’ve said a thousand times before but hadn’t meant till this moment. She slowly peruses the store as I soak her up like the last bit of gravy on my plate.

After what feels like an eternity she asks me to get her some shoes to try on, a pair of slinky black heels; a size eleven. I think to myself pretty big, but she is almost six feet tall.

As I help them onto her feet I get to touch her soft milky legs. I swear her mouth O’s and she purrs just barely as I slide it over her heel. She gets up and takes a stroll around the store; performs a twirl causing her skirt to billow in the air giving me the smallest glimpse of her ass.

She then asks to try on a pair of leather, knee high, lace up boots. I grab her size and kneel in front of her removing the previous pair of shoes and start sliding her foot into the boot.

After some effort I get them both in and start to lace them up.

As I move higher and higher up the boot she begins to breathe heavier and heavier.

I finish one and start on the other. By this point she is moaning with reckless abandon, and I can’t wait to finish lacing it up and see what happens; my hands flying with a surgeon’s precision.

With just a few eyelets left to thread she begins to part her runway worthy legs. My mouth is dry with anticipation as more skin gets exposed; the pleats rise higher as she opens wider trying to give me a peek.

When suddenly into view comes the biggest bulge I have ever seen. The breath flees from my lungs like someone just pulled the fire alarm. She/He/It smiles down at me and coos, “The best of both worlds baby.”

By Derek Crossley

At his pinnacle Immortality, Invincibility, and Glory Blind to what could be By what is not yet his own Dreams once electric Now lie still and weak Hobbled by the hammer of power and greed The last grain has fallen Stillness washes over that which once was The end is not known It is felt Greatness and glory crumble into distant memory All that is left to mark his existence scatters in the wind And so it is that the flame fades and is no more What was and could have been echoes across the vast sea of time As the sun sets on this once great time Illustration By Philip Vargas

The Dawn-Scented Calm

By Katie Wynne

Illustration By Philip Vargas

I am usually not this picky about what I eat, but tear until the tears in my eyes blinded me into a sleep after Gail mentioned yesterday that my gait has of depression that lasted for weeks. They started slowed to an alarmingly loud clop, one that “has giving me shots of something that kept me awake been causing my stripes to stretch,” I am a little and anxious. I guess that when the people came more aware of what goes into my body. For they had something to look at. example, this morning I only ate one leg and a For the record I wasn’t dying or near death. piece of the back off of Hugo’s zebra. Everything in I wasn’t even sick. I was getting a drink at this moderation, I suppose. pond after a group of us went hunting. The

I probably shouldn’t be so judgmental rest of them went ahead to get settled for the of myself, but Gail has a point. Why should I stuff afternoon romp, and just then, in the dawnmyself silly? There really is no need. Maybe if there scented calm of the African summer, I was was some sort of weather catastrophe coming and bombarded, trapped– I knew that I would be starving in a few weeks, or I didn’t used to be this picky about what I if, like one of those bears across the walk, I slept ate, but Gail is right. I mean it isn’t like I live in away half of my pathetic life and needed that fat the wild where I need to fend for myself. Here, fuck body in order to live. I mean, that would be a the food is just placed in front of me and all I different story. (Sigh) I am fat. Great. Here we go. need to do is reach out and grab it.

“And this is Trianna. She is the only oncewild Bengal here. Our crew in Africa saved her when “I have never seen her act like that in they found her almost dead in a pond. Now she lives my life,” Gail whispered to Hugo. “I can’t happily here with our two other Bengal Tigers who were imagine what made her do it.” bred right here in San Grenada.”

“What?” asked Hugo. “I was sleeping when it

Hi, yes look at me. Here I am sitting here still, same as happened.” before. Ha-ha, yeah we are silly. Listen you little prick you should “She dug a hole under the fence last night and got out. come closer to this gate. I fucking dare you. Yeah, you could defiantly But she didn’t escape. Instead, she leaped into Bruno’s cage, Illustration By Philip Vargas pet me. Check it out, your parents aren’t even watching. They’re too busy arguing you know the bear across the walk, and tore him to pieces. He didn’t about how expensive that cotton candy that you are shoving down your throat was. Please, even see it coming.” oh please let me just rip that chin off of your face…(Sigh) sure go see what the bear is doing.

“Wow, that’s rough.”

I could tell you right now though, sleeping that fuck.

“Yeah, when they found her in the morning I heard she was just laying there in his I used to fight this feeling of hopelessness. I would pounce and roar and rip and cave, asleep. Probably for the first time in months.”

20

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

29 January 2007

[Comics] Life n Times By Lewis Grey

Tom By Andrew “Android” Wilson

Koo-koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

kookoo.monsquad.com

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Disgruntled Editor By MLB

Across 1- Strike breaker 5- Sows 10- Ailing 14- Traditional knowledge 15- Turn away 16- Sheltered, nautically 17- Amazes 18- Locale 19- Periodic movement of

the sea 20- Phonograph record 22- Sheikdom in the Persian Gulf 24- Free 25- Hawaiian acacia 26- Pertaining to sound 29- Floor covering 32- Mass of eggs 36- Jail

37- Wide-mouthed bottle 39- Not for a Scot 40- Reserved 43- Very skilled person 44- Wholly 45- Second hand, took advantage of 46- Quizzes, trials 48- Some 49- Board for nails

50- That woman 52- White linen vestment, usually worn by priests 53- Existing power structure 57- Having thickened or hardened skin 61- Configuration 62- Visible exhalation 64- Thought 65- Tropical plant 66- Muse of lyric poetry 67- Devices for fishing 68- Staffs 69- Water-repellent cloth 70- Between white and black Down 1- Smack 2- Hood worn by monks 3- Geographical expanse 4- Straddle 5- Rescued 6- At any time 7- Still, in poetry 8- Thrash 9- Meat 10- Subordinate ruler 11- Hip bones 12- Basic monetary unit of Ghana 13- Sharp 21- Involuntary muscular

contraction 23- Old Testament book 26- Crouch 27- Prevention dose 28- Swellings 29- Devilfish 30- Burning of another’s property 31- Tawdry 33- Licorice-like flavoring 34- Vacillate 35- Destitute 37- Jailbird 38- To’s partner 41- Skinflint 42- Rolling about 47- English river 49- Former measure of length 51- Entangle 52- Brother of Moses 53- From a distance 54- Game played on horseback 55- Goad 56- Edible tuber 57- Pigeon coop 58- River which empties into the Baltic Sea 59- Bristle 60- Not difficult 63- Cushion

Medium

Hard

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

29 January 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

21

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.

Medium

22

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: byrd@lbunion.com See more comics online at www.lbunion.com

Hard

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

29 January 2007

VOLUME 60

WAR BEARS

World’s First Green Bluejay Photographed

Canada Apologizes to Tortured Man: ‘Our Bad Eh?’

The picture (above) is real. Someone made this. Creepy.

By The Nothing

GRUNION REYNOLDS

Ottawa, Canada– Last Friday the Canadian Prime Minister apologized to Maher Arar for Canada’s part in his wrongful deportation to Syria where he was tortured and forced to make false confessions. In addition, the Canadian government is compensating him with a lifetime supply of Labatt Blue, the Criterion Edition of Strange Brew, and season tickets for the Canadiens.

“We feel that a great wrong has been done to one of our citizens,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper said. “It should have never happened and we hope that these gestures will help quiet the silent suffering of his wife and children.”

Arar accepted the apology with some hesitation.

“My kids are really excited about the hockey games, but I am a recovering alcoholic. Who gives a recovering alcoholic booze…or Strange Brew for that matter?” Arar asked curtly.

Harper maintained that the government was unaware of Arar’s dependency issues. “While we were pretty sure that he was a terrorist, or at least an Islamic fundamentalist, I guess we never noticed how often he went to the bars.” The Prime Minister continued, “This is a perfect example of why our nation needs to take a more personal approach with our citizens in the future. I guess it was strange how he was always carrying around that water bottle filled with, what he told his daughter was, ‘Daddy’s orange juice.’”

Arar was actually deported to Syria by the U.S. government, and was held there for ten months while being viciously tortured. U.S. officials have yet to make a public or private apology to Arar or his family in regards to their involvement.

Harper retracted the offer for Labatt Blue and instead presented the Arar family with a check for $10.5 million, a donation that Canadian representatives hope will go towards rebuilding a life without alcohol and without some hooded man putting jumper cables on your nipples while peeling back your toe nails.

“I am much happier,” admitted Arar. “My family and I have been able to spend a lot of time together. Although the Alanis performance at my daughter’s Sweet 16 didn’t go over so well, I’m happy to have been here to see it.”

ISSUE 1 Squiggles!

The Glory of Prisms!

Why They Could Be Giving Your Children’s Balls Cancer

Fab Five Resurrect Minstrel Theatre in Long Beach

By Fancy Lash

GRUNION GENTLEMAN

T

he “Fab Five,” best known for their hit Bravo show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, have recently announced plans to open a minstrel theatre in the heart of downtown Long Beach. The decision has sparked a powder keg of controversy among the community, particularly since the troupe’s announcement that blackface will feature prominently in their new act.

Given the sensitivity of the subject matter, group fashion savant, Carson Kressley distributed a pre-recorded explanation of the group’s decision. The tape, which was distributed to major news networks across the country, only seemed to compound the problem as Kressley chose to deliver his statement in full blackface make-up.

“This is so a freedom of speech issue,” Kressley proclaimed while tickling the lens of the camera with an oversized pink feather. “If I’m able to perpetuate one stereotype on national television, then why shouldn’t I be able to try another?”

The gay icon then sucked whipped cream from the tip of a strawberry held in front of his mouth by a heavily oiled man wearing a bow tie without a shirt.

“How is my doing this, or gesturing with hands that look like their tendons have been snipped, any different from wearing shoe polish on my face and eating watermelon? How is my hyper sexualized and fey persona any more of a false stereotype than those perpetuated in 19th century minstrel acts? It’s not, sillies.

You don’t need to love cock to act this way.” Kressley then spread an oriental accordion fan, which he fluttered in front of his face as his shirtless companion bent

Carson Kressley (above center) and the rest of the “Fab Five” on the set of their last minstrel show, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

over to retrieve a wayward strawberry.

Since the video aired, a number of contemporary minstrel performers, like Ned “Carlos Mencia” Holness and Dan “Larry the Cable Guy” Whitney have come to the aide of Kressley and the rest of the “Fab Five.”

“I’d be a hypocrite if I begrudged these guys their new career move,” said Mencia.

“I mean, I changed my first name to Carlos and took my mother’s last name because they sounded a hell of a lot more ethnic than Ned Holness. Ned Holness can’t say ‘wetback’ or ‘beaner,’ but Carlos Mencia can say whatever the fuck he wants. It doesn’t matter if my humor is lazy and predicated upon stereotypes that should have died out years ago. As long as I throw in a little ‘dee dee dee’ at the end, people eat my shit up.”

M. Cable Guy mirrored the sentiments

of his colleague during an impromptu interview backstage at a Decemberists show.

“Those homosexual gentlemen are, in all honesty, the finest human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting,” said Lawrence. “I’ve always lived by the old adage, ‘To thine own self, be true,’ and I believe that they are doing just that. I wish I had their bravery, but alas, I’m currently mired in a fetid cesspool of fecal ‘humor.’

Personally, I’m shocked that persons from the southern states have yet to tire of my rhetoric, or at least taken offensive to my portrayal of their culture. But I digress.”

In the spirit of inclusion, Eddie Murphy was asked to express his opinions while on the set of his new film, Norbit. The actor, wearing make-up that made him look like an elderly Asian man had this to say: “I’m sorry, what were we talking about?”

AMNESIA continued from the page that preceded this one Spanish authorities released a statement late last week assuring that Dillinger never was nor is the King of Spain. “It is an unfortunate thing when a man hits desperation so hard,” said Prime Minister, José Zapatero. “Many men would like to be king and will do anything for power. This man has feigned injury to embellish a lie that he is someone he is not.”

Dillinger’s wife continues to stand by her husband’s claim, and insists that he is given the proper attention. “Alfred is a good man,

and he does not lie. If he thinks that he is married to my much better looking sister who has been flirting with him since we were twelve, then he must be married to her and not me. Yes, I may have thought I bore three sons by him, but I have been known to get distracted. Maybe I was wrong.”

Despite his efforts Dillinger went back to work as a toy maker in Cristo del Fuego. “We will not be sending any monies or jewels,” said King of Spain, Juan Carlos I.

World’s Oldest Person Dies…Again

By Father McKenzie

GRUNION GOOD TIMES

Emiliano Mercado del Toro (above) is with the rest of the angels now.

For the eighth time in the last two months, the world’s oldest person died last week, at the age of 118. Seriously, it’s starting to get lame, world’s oldest person. We get it. You’re old. You’re dead. Quit being such a drama queen and just grow up, maybe start acting like the world’s oldest adult for a change, and not the world’s oldest crybaby wawa machine. Despite repeated phone calls, the world’s oldest person was not available to field questions or give comments; her publicist told me she’s at a ceremony accepting the world’s newest dead person award.

Advertisement

VOLUME 60

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Salad Dressing Impresario Breaks Into Acting

Y’ALL’RE ABOUT TO HAVE THE GIGGLES

Will this risky gambit pay off? Page 6

Headlines

President Bush Eats A Whole Mess Of Funyuns

Frito-Lame Duck: Bush enjoys a snack while imposing an embargo on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Julia Roberts Named World’s Horsiest Woman

ISSUE 1

Ticklish Polar Bear High-Fives An Angel

May I Co-Opt Your Tragedy?

By Chip Griffiths

GRUNION OPINIONIST

O

h, heeeey. I heard about your cousin, and I am SO sorry—one time my parakeet died, and that made me really sad, so I know exactly how you feel, probably even better than you do.

Oh, it was your brother? In combat, and in Iraq? Wow, that’s great! How horribly tragic! So, if it’s not too much trouble, could I co-opt your tragedy for my own benefit?

Here, I’m going to avoid eye contact and make cliché, perfunctory condolences in an attempt to outwardly show my sympathy, but inside, I’m beaming with all the possibilities this opens up for me.

I know we’re in the middle of a crowded store, but why don’t you take a few minutes to outline, in detail, to a near-stranger, about the finer points of the event that has ripped your seemingly stable world apart, and left you walking around like a raw wound in a salt blizzard? Don’t worry, I won’t watch you nervously fidget and dance around my far-too direct questions…in fact, I won’t even notice, as my head is just spinning with how I can usurp your grief and use it for my own personal gain!

I know it seems shallow and incredibly

callous, but this is really important: I need the nitty-gritty details about how he died.

Was it a sniper? Was he a proud solider one moment, a burst of bloody spray the next?

Was it a rocket or a suicide bomber? How many limbs were left on his body? Will you still be able to recognize his face, or did the shrapnel leave him a bunch of mangled meaty parts? Was it a roadside bomb?

Gosh, I hope it was! Those are the worst!

Did your brother die scared, trying to gasp out one final cry as he tried vainly to hold his insides in? Why are you crying?

Now, now, no tears! Real men don’t cry! Listen, if you don’t tell me, how in the world am I going to be able to relate them to the girl from e-Harmony that I’m going out to dinner with tonight? See, I’ll be able to enthrall her with my gory particulars, and in the midst of them she’ll totally forget that I’m only connected to your loss by the thinnest of threads. She’ll (probably because she’ll be drunk after all the extra strong drinks I’ll be feeding her) attribute all the empathy she feels for your loss onto me, and we ALL know how horny chicks get at funerals. Giggity giggity, all right!

What? I thought a little Family Guy would cheer you right up!

So, if there’s anything I can do at all, please don’t hesitate to call me. No, no, I

Chip Griffiths (above) pondering how best to exploit your horrible, terrible loss.

couldn’t possibly call you, that’s a bit too much to ask. But, I should tell you that on the off-chance you do call, I won’t pick up.

Hey, just because your world has crumbled into pieces doesn’t mean mine has. It’s just that there’s some more important stuff to do in life than listen to your pansy ass go on and on about how you’ve watched your parents age decades in the last weeks. I’ve got to go get my low-end BMW (and my back) waxed before the date.

Best Laid Plans of Generous Amnesia Victim Man Spoiled by Cynical Youth Pretty Sure He

By Father McKenzie

fully related later, he did not receive any requests for the free merchandise. And, worse still, when he put his email address More sad news from the Internet last and home phone number on the ads to week, as the spirits of the elderly Chester encourage people to get their bounty, he Dawson were crushed by the jaded youth received copious amounts of hate e and that populate Myspace. Dawson, a well- voicemail. meaning philanthropist with little to no “It was awful. Thousands of emails, understanding of technology or culture, calling me words my wife would never had recently let me say, come, by a shipif she were ping accident, alive. Words into possession like asshole of a large numand fuckshit. ber of iPods, big And hax0r. I screen TVs, and don’t even laptop computknow what a ers.

Dawson hax0r is. How had no use for do I delete an such devices, email? What is nor any dea wing chair? sire to alert the Hey boy, Chester Dawson (above) attends a super exclusive Hello?

Can Club Glam party thrown in honor of his benevolence. mu lt i n at i on a l anyone hear corporations that produced them of their me?” Dawson has filed a complaint with error, so he decided instead to give them the FCC against young people, and also away to the youth of America, whom he requested directions to the Dairy Queen. ascertained were in need of the gadgets.

Sadly, this kind of malfeasant mistreatHe knew little of the generation he ment is becoming more and more complanned to give so generously to, but if the mon, and Dawson’s complaint has been visits his grandson paid him on occasion joined by other well-meaning philanthrowere any indication, he knew they spent a pists who’ve been spurned by Myspace uslot of time on “the internet.” He looked up ers, including the homeless shelter/sexy the most visited website on “the internet,” party host Club Glam, as well as traveland took out a number of advertisements. ing nurse F0rbidden. If you’ve been the These advertisements simply exclaimed: victim of jaded youth, please email fan“Click Here! Free iPods, Big Screen TVs, cylash@lbunion.com to add your name to and Laptop Computers!” As Dawson tear- the filing.

GRUNION TYPHOID FAMINE

Hay Fever: Sarah Jessica Parker demanded a recount before clopping off into an open field.

Modern-Day Johnny Appleseed Fucked To Death By Horse

Lost Boy: Julia Roberts wanted for questioning.

And also, we know this is the Peter Pan guy, so don’t send us letters.

is King of Spain

By The Nothing

GRUNION MOON

Almeria, Spain– Waking up in a strange bed on Thursday morning, Alfred Dillinger sauntered downstairs and found a sea of foreign faces staring up at him. A victim of a derailed passenger train on its way to a small port in Almeria, Spain, Dillinger suffered minor head wounds and a sprained ankle.

“I woke up this morning and I wasn’t sure what happened,” said Dillinger. “All of my gold trunks were missing and I was all-arounded by people who stink of grilled tomatoes.”

Diego Guego, a witness of the accident said that the damage seemed minimal. “The train just kind of came to a slow stop. We didn’t even notice that anything had gone wrong.” Diego continued, “the people just kind of walked off the train and that was it.”

Despite these reports, Dillinger maintains that he does not recall any particulars of the event or any details of his life prior to his trip, least of all the fact that he was working as a toy maker in the small village of Cristo del Fuego.

“Listen, I don’t know what is going on here,” an angry Dillinger told Spanish authorities following his forced removal from the Spanish Parliament building, “but I am really upset now. I would like you to send all of my monies and my jewels to my home in the Fuego. I am serious!”

See AMNESIA next page

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And like that man that died on the cross we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Vince!