60.02

[Issue 60.2] You’re Just Who I Was Looking For Letter from the Editor

L

isten up. I’m only going to do this once. The Union Weekly needs you. Yes, you. You’re exactly who I wanted to talk to. See, here’s the thing. We just started our Spring semester, and while things are going well, they could be going a little better. There is only so much we can do on our own. So we held this meeting, and we kicked some names around, and, you know what? Yours came up. Yeah, I know, weird huh?

We figured that no one knows what they want to see in the Union Weekly more than you do.

I’m sure you’ve got plenty of things you wished were in our newspaper, like more movie reviews, or more coverage of campus events, or more student opinions. But the problem is that we can’t have more of any of those things without your help. See, we’re the Students’ Newspaper, meaning we live and die with the contributions of the students – students just like you.

There’s two ways you can help us. You can email the section editors, or myself, at any of the email addresses listed to the right, and tell us what you’d like to see more of, or pitch something new you’d like to see each week. We’re open to suggestions, and depending on the feasibility of your idea, there’s a better than average chance that you’ll eventually see it in our pages.

That being said, requests for comprehensive coverage of the parking situation or lines at the bookstore, or suggestions of sex columns by freshman girls will be considered cruel jokes.

The other way you can help us is to write. Simply put, there is no better way to get what you’d like to see in the Union Weekly by doing it yourself. Have an opinion? Erin Hickey would love to hear it. Are you an aspiring journalist with a hard nose for raking muck?

Ryan Kobane’s got some leads for you. Has your favorite sporting team let you down? JJ Fiddler knows what you’re going through. Do you like free CDs and concerts? Guess what, Matt Dupree and Sean Boulger do too. Have you always wanted to see your very own pseudonym on the Grunion? Fancy Lash couldn’t care less, but I’m sure he’d laugh at your expense. Are you a fan of pizza and soda? Our meetings are stocked with both, and we’re usually forced to throw most of it out.

I know it sounds like an incredible waste of food, but that’s why we’re turning to you.

It’s really simple. All you have to do is let us know.

This is an open-ended invitation, so take your time, think it over, and we’ll be waiting by the phone.

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

If you’ve been in the ‘Myd this season, you know that our men’s basketball team has got that winning feeling at home, undefeated at 10-0. Now it’s time to export that home court advantage elsewhere; join the Union Weekly on a free bus, with free tickets to the Fullerton game on Wednesday, February 14th.

Anyone who wants to support the team, or lose their loneliness among a sea of basketball fans is welcome. There’s more information at the Beach Pride Center; get there early to ensure your name gets on the list. Given that this is TOTALLY FREE FOR YOU, it’s sure to be a hot-ticket event that fills up fast. Thanks to Beach Pride and the Athletics Department for getting this together; here’s hoping to see you at the Valentine’s Day Massacre in Fullerton.

By Katie Wynne

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

Oh shoot. You totally forgot you had that one important thing to do. You should take care of that. Also, there is a 47% chance that you may be seriously injured over the weekend. Your sexy-fun-time day is Friday.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)

You are still the prettiest/most handsome of all the signs this week. Midweek you may find a kitten and name him Sandra D. Then he may get upset by that and run away into a busy street. I just wouldn’t pick up any strays. This week’s sexy-fun-time day is Tuesday.

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)

You’re totally an Emo lame this week, but instead of writing crappy poetry try turning to drink. Think of all the great writers who did that! You could be just like Hemingway! Your sexy-fun-time day is Tuesday.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)

Hey, you’re being a dick right now. Seriously, that’s not cool for anyone. People hate you and are talking about you behind your back. There is really nothing you can do about it and you will probably lose a couple of friends because of it. Your sexy-fun-time day is Sunday.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

This week a lot of people you know are going to be jumping down your throat like babies down a well. Try not to let them get you down. Instead busy yourself with personal projects like building a model train or planting some daisies. Your sexy-fun-time day is Wednesday.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

Cancer? That sucks. A lot of people like to joke

2

Moon Editor

about it, but I mean, whoa, ya know? So listen, this week I would tie up any loose ends. Reunite with lost friends or family members, see Paris at night, and go sky diving maybe. Then you can take solace in the fact that cancer is way more fun than your estranged molester Uncle Bill. Your sexy-fun-time day is Monday-Thursday.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

It’s a sure thing that your parents pretty much love to f*©k in November. Am I wrong? C’mon, am I wrong? Your sexy-fun-time day is Friday.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)

Our second sun is in Mars making you very shiny this week. What you do with that is your own personal thing. Your sexy-fun-time day is Saturday.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

Some people like to believe that dragons are not a serious problem, but you know better don’t you?

This week prepare for the worst. You have no sexyfun-time day this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

Some kid in your afternoon class is going to say something really stupid this week and because the professor is being polite they won’t call them on it.

Don’t let that crap slide; make sure that idiot knows what’s up. Your sexy-fun-time day is Thursday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

Did you see The Office last week? Man it was a good one. Your sexy-fun-time day is Wednesday.

Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)

This is a great time to eat some meat. No, I’m serious. It tastes really good and has a lot of good things inside of it for your body. I would look into that this week. Your sexy-fun-time day is Saturday.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager

brian@lbunion.com

Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor

ryan@lbunion.com

jeff@lbunion.com mike@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com

erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com

Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Erin Hickey Copy Editor Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Ryan Kobane Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Sean Boulger, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor!

Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, Derek Crossley, Sean Bernhoft, Darren Davis, Matt Linzmeier, Jimmy Dinh, Mike Turner, Cynthia Romanowski, David Faulk

Contributors

On Our Cover: OF Jason Corder Photo by Ryan Kobane Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions.

They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments?

Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

5 February 2007

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

Long Beach Has Cake, Eats it Too

By Chris B & Mike G Union Staffers

By Ryan Kobane

Y

It’s Not a Tumor

News Director

ou could smell the freshly baked cannolies a full block away from New York Pizza Co, and the line for a BJ’s mini Pizookie was over two blocks long on Saturday afternoon. Hyper toddlers ran amuck, chocolate covered faces with frozen grins from ear to ear.

Held on Belmont Shore’s 2nd Street, the Second Annual Belmont Shores Chocolate Festival was a perfect day to spend with loved ones, but for others it was bitter sweet.

This year’s festival was the first without past director Tori Busch, who due to ovarian cancer, died last May. In her honor, the Belmont Shore’s Business Association dedicated this year’s festival to her, and will be donating $5 out of every ticket sold to the Tori Miller Busch Ovarian Cancer Fund.

While many people would agree that everyone that partook in the day’s samplings were the true winners, there was an actual dessert contest.

With over fifteen local businesses participating; Frosted Cupcakery, Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, and Sweet Jill’s just to name a few, the judges had a very tough task to decide who would take top honors.

“I always look at presentation first,” said judge AJ Yager, Publisher of Long Beach Magazine. “I cleaned my pallet every time I tried another desert, so to give every contestant

Photo By Ryan Kobane Sometimes it isn’t about winning, or who can do something the best, but who can enjoy something the most. Ryan, 4, of Long Beach, decided that he wasn’t giving up his pie, or his seat.

a fare shot. But for me, the dessert called, Heart of Chocolate, was the clear winner.”

While most of the judges opted for the gourmet treats offered up in the contest, chocolate cream pie was the dessert of choice of the kids who participated in the pie eating contest.

With three different age groups, 5-8, 9-12, and 13-16, it gave every child brave enough a fighting chance; even Ryan (pictured) of Long Beach, who was only 4, but battled to the very

end of the competition.

Eventually 2nd street settled down, and the hustle and bustle of hundreds all culminated on the corner of 2nd and Corona St. where the awards ceremony took place. And while trophies were handed out to the winners of the contest, and to those who scarfed down pie the quickest, it was easy to see that not one person in attendance was going to leave without a full belly, and a handful of memories to take with them forever.

Campus Eddie G to Play Nugget Calen d a r

Week of Feb. 5

Tues.

Week of Welcome Starts Spring Sports Fair USU South West Terrace from 11 a.m. – 2 p.m.

FREE FOOD

Wed. Week of Welcome Club & Organization Fair Friendship Walk from 11 a.m. – 2 p.m.

FREE FOOD

Thur.

Week of Welcome Club & Organization Fair Friendship Walk from 11 a.m. – 2 p.m.

Eddie G in the Nug! 7 p.m.

FREE FOOD

On February 8th, Kbeach Radio, in conjunction with ASI Government and The Nugget Grill and Pub will be presenting Eddie G, a Long Beach native Reggaeton Artist.

Eddie G has appeared nationally with Don Omar and Ivy Queen, and was formally on Universal Latino records. This is the official Week of Welcome Concert. Most recently, he performed in Los Angeles at “Club Yes,” after opening for DJ Quick and Cypress Hills at House of Blues. He’s been on numerous Television shows and his videos play regularly on LATV. Eddie began writing poems and songs at the tender age of 12, and hasn’t stopped since. Noted as being one of the more versatile Reggaeton artists around, Eddie G has garnered numerous awards, and more importantly respect from his peers.

His performance is sure to be a hit, so show up early to make sure you have a seat for this very special appearance.

35 Percent of Students Skip Class In a recent study conducted by the Union Weekly staff, it was found that a staggering 35% of CSULB students skip class on a consistent basis.

While these numbers may seem high, it was even more unnerving to find out that 12% of students don’t go to class at all. But to show that there were a few students who took their academics seriously, 25% of students surveyed admitted to never missing class, ever.

On average, the study found that 88% of students are going to class, at least sometimes. Go Beach!

8%

2% 35%

18%

12%

25%

Study may or may not have actually been conducted.

A couple weeks ago the journal Cancer Cell published a paper by Dr. Evangelos Michelakis from the University of Alberta. Although a mundane occurrence in its own right, it’s surprising how little attention this paper has garnered. In brief, the paper explains that tumor cells become deprived of oxygen and switch off their oxygen-using mitochondria to use glycolysis for energy instead. Unfortunately, the process by which abnormal cells die, called apoptosis, is controlled by mitochondria. This causes cancerous tumors to become immortal, but also causes cancer to spread once the lactic acid from glycolysis builds up and damages the collagen matrix holding cells together. The paper goes further, though, and suggests that dichloroacetate (DCA), a drug already used to treat some metabolic disorders with only minor sideeffects, is effective at reactivating the mitocondria deep inside human tumors. Trials conducted on externally cultured human tumors show that the introduction of DCA caused the cancer cells to die, effectively curing many forms of cancer. “What’s the hold up? Why isn’t this in the news!” you might ask.

Surprisingly, DCA is just vinegar with two of its hydrogen atoms replaced by chlorine atoms. This makes DCA easy to produce, useful in treating even brain cancers, but also unpatentable, and thus not worth it for pharmaceutical companies to fund human trials. So, cancer may be cured, but it will be a long time before we get to know about or use the cure.

T-Shirts of Lies Winners Go to Disneyland, Losers Go to Sierra Leone. There are a few images that immediately come to mind when you think of a Super Bowl victory: spilled Gatorade, spraying champagne, the hosting of Mr. Lombardi’s trophy, and, as important as nearly anything else, the immediate appearance of the Super Bowl Champions gear. Obviously they have two sets printed up, which begs the question: what happens to the loser’s t-shirts? Apparently, the NFL mandates that the shirts are to never appear anywhere on American soil, so they’re shipped overseas, via World Vision, an international aid group, to Africa. Once there, they’re distributed to hundreds of impoverished people, who know little to nothing of football, and even less of who won the recent Super Bowl. All in all, it comes out to 288 T-shirts and hats donated to the less fortunate; kudos to the league for putting its refuse to good use.

Mon. 5th Tues. 6th Wed. 7th Thur. 8th Fri. 9th Your Weekend Hi 76° Lo 48° Hi 72° Lo 45° Hi 67° Lo 47° Hi 63° Lo 49° Hi 65° Lo 47° Hi 63° Lo 49° Partly Cloudy Partly Cloudy Cloudy Showers Cloudy Cloudy and Showers 5 February 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

3

[Sports]

Dirtbags Hit The Diamond Against Trojans With 21 underclassmen on the roster, the Dirtbags lack experience on the bench but five of the position players are veterans.

Provided by Long Beach State Sports Information Department

Women’s Tennis

Photos By Ryan Kobane Manny McElroy took the mound on saturday at Blair Field and helped defeat the USC Trojans 5-3.

By JJ Fiddler

T

Sports Editor

“Having a year under my belt at this level helps, and being in better shape,” said Worley. “I slowed down the eating and playing in the summer helped a lot.”

After taking the 1-0 lead in the third, the Dirtbags struggled to get anything going against Trojan pitcher Ryan Cook, who finished with four strikeouts but only allowed one run on three hits.

he infamous Long Beach State Dirtbags had a lot to be happy about early on Friday night at USC. In the first four innings sophomore pitcher Vance Worley struck out four while retiring 11 of the first 13 hitters. He also picked off a runner at first, two batters after junior catcher Travis Howell threw a runner out at second; and, after senior Allen Woods singled in fellow senior Robert Perry, Long Beach led 1-0.

However, the Trojans scored twice in the late innings and took home the victory, 2-1.

Worley, who struggled last year as a freshman, pitched six strong innings, allowing four hits and only one run while striking Dirtbags Second baseman Matt Cline out six.

“He really threw well,” Dirtbags coach In the bottom of the sixth with two Mike Weathers said of Worley. “His outs and a man on first, Worley hung a velocity was good and he was aggressive four-seam fastball over the edge of the to the glove. He set the tone for us plate and USC shortstop Grant Green and we played pretty well. We had our sliced a triple into the right field corner. opportunities.”

The Trojans scored again in the seventh Worley lost 15 pounds during his stint on a single to right field by pinch hitter in the Cape Cod league over the summer. Darren Gemoll.

4

“The pinch hit RBI... that’s a game winning at-bat,” said Weathers. “We need those at-bats.”

So, on Saturday the Dirtbags proved to be rude hosts and evened the series with a 5-3 victory.

Junior pitcher Manny McElroy ruled the day, at one point retiring 14 of 16 batters, on the way to his first collegiate victory. He pitched into the seventh, using just 83 pitches and giving up three runs—two earned— on five hits over six and 1/3 innings.

McElroy at one point retired seven in a row and did not allow a hit from the third until Derek Perren led off the seventh with a double.

A two-run home run by Jason Corder in the first (see cover) gave LBSU an early 2-0 lead, as a tworun triple by TJ Mittelstaedt in the second re-took the lead at 4-2. All four of the runs were unearned, based on three USC errors as Brad Boxberger gave up all four runs over the first five innings. Robert Perry added a run in the sixth, the fifth two-out run the Dirtbags scored.

The series concluded on Sunday at noon at Dedeaux Field.

Long Beach returns home on Friday to take on the Texas Longhorns.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

The No. 28-ranked women’s tennis team hit the court on Friday to continue their spring schedule, taking out rival Cal State Fullerton, 7-0, winning all six matches in straight sets.

After winning their first round match-up in the NCAA tournament last year, the team (2-1) has all of its marquee names back and hopes to continue the program’s success.

The 49ers began the afternoon by sweeping doubles play as Hannah Grady and Jessica Weeks, who are ranked No. 48 nationally, defeated Gina Le and Mai-Ly Tran 8-3. At the two spot, Stephanie Bengson and Katy Williams won 8-4, and Emmanuelle Tabatruong and Sandra Rocha won 9-8 at number three doubles.

In singles play the 49ers had only one set that went beyond three games. At number one singles, Grady defeated Le 7-5, 6-1. While Williams rolled to a 6-3, 6-2 win over Domela and Bengson won her match at the number three spot 6-3, 6-1 over Tran.

Weeks earned a singles win at the four spot; Tabatruong won 6-2, 6-3 and Rocha closed things out with a 6-2, 6-2 win at six singles over Cruz.

Grady, an All-American candidate, had a great freshmen year in 2006 being named the Big West Player and Freshman of the Year. She earned first team all-league honors in singles and doubles play and finished the year ranked No. 53 in singles play and No. 46 in doubles with partner Jessica Weeks.

Grady was the No. 7-ranked freshman in the nation last season and earned a bid to the NCAA Championships in singles and doubles, a first for a 49er women’s tennis player.

The 49ers will next be in action on Saturday, February 10 when they host Cal State Northridge at 12 pm at the 49er Campus Courts.

Men’s Golf

In their first tournament of the spring, the Long Beach State Men’s Golf team finished in 16th place at the Ping Arizona Intercollegiate at the Arizona National Golf Course in Tucson, AZ. Long Beach shot a 306 in Monday’s opening round, followed that up with a 295 in the second round and finished with a 310 for a total of 911. UNLV won the team title with an 829.

Individually, freshman Michael Drake tied for 61st place with a six-over-par 225 (73-75-77).

Senior Nick Badel shot a 226 (76-70-80) to tie for 65th place, while redshirt freshman Karl Katnik shot a 230 (83-74-73) to tie for 76th place, as did senior Brett Lederer (74-76-80).

“With the exception of one good round each from Karl Katnik and Nick Badel, we just didn’t play very well,” said Head Coach Bob Livingstone.

“When you’re on a course this difficult with a field this strong, you’re just not going to finish well.

We’ve got two weeks to prepare for Hawaii, which is also a very strong field, and hopefully we’ll do better.”

The 49ers will next be in action on February 21-23 when they compete at the John A. Burns Intercollegiate at the Leilehua Golf Course in Hawaii.

5 February 2007

Track & Field

At the Air Force Invite over the weekend, senior Chris Richardson won the heptathlon, scoring a personal-best in five of seven events, and senior Ronald Carter joined him as one of three 49ers with NCAA provisional qualifying marks this season, with a school-record in the triple jump.

Richardson tallied a mark of 5312 points to win his first indoor event of the season and was forced to run the 60-meter hurdles twice due to a timing malfunction. Carter posted a mark of 51’8.5” in the triple jump, while junior sprinter Brent Gray bettered his schoolrecord from Friday with a mark of 21.14 to finish second in the 200-meter. Gray was also third in the 60-meter, tying his school-record set last week, at 6.85.

Senior Ezra Kwong and junior David Sampson finished 1-2 in the indoor shot, as Kwong’s mark of 58’6.5” was also a personal-best. On the women’s side, senior Jessica Branker finished second in the 60-meter finals and fifth in the 200-meter dash. Junior Jill Reyolds was third in the pole vault with a mark of 12’0”.

Sophomore Miia Mobley rounded out the meet with the fourth-best triple jump in school-history, at 38’10.75”, which was also fourth at the meet.

The team travels to the Northern Arizona Invite next weekend.

Men’s Volleyball

A young 49er men’s volleyball team has struggled with consistency in this young campaign, and last weekend was no different.

On Friday, Long Beach hit .407 while holding the Stanford Cardinal to a .091 clip cruising to a 30-18, 30-23, 30-25 victory.

“The difference from last week to this week was definitely our passing,” said Head Coach Alan Knipe. “We were in offense a lot more and we were much better in all areas of our blocking, defense, and transition game.”

Dustin Watten posted a match-high 15 digs while Conor Eaton issued 38 assists. Paul Lotman led the 49ers with a match-high 19 kills, hitting .486 on the evening and Teddy Liles had seven kills to go along with six blocks. Saturday night against Pacific was a different story.

Long Beach was in position to win game one and game four, but errors at key junctures lead to a 27-30, 32-30, 22-30, 25-30 loss to the Univerity of Pacific. Lotman led the way again with 25 kills, but that was not near enough to combat a team .186 hit percentage.

“We didn’t come out with focus… you want to win that first game at home,” said Knipe.

“We just couldn’t maintain our rhythm on offense.”

Since Knipe’s arrival at the Beach, men’s volleyball has improved and reached the MPSF championship three years in a row. To the idea that this might be a rebuilding year, Knipe scoffs.

“When you are winning, they don’t say anything about you being young. When Michigan had the Fab 5, they weren’t called the Young 5. We are what we are… we need better balance on offense and improve our focus and approach.”

The men return to the ‘Myd next Friday against Cal Baptist.

Need Some Good Sports Talk?

Check out Union SportsNight On lbunion.com

5 February 2007

Women’s Water Polo

It’s a new day and a new year for the women’s water polo squad. In September, Catharine von Schwarz was selected as the new Head Women’s Water Polo coach for the 49ers. For the past two years von Schwarz has been the head coach of the 18 and under, 20 and under and Senior Women’s teams for the Los Angeles Water Polo Club.

“I am very excited to be at Long Beach State and get started,” said von Schwarz. “With the help of the Athletic Department and the administration, I hope to build Long Beach State into a very successful women’s water polo program.”

Von Schwarz was a member of the U.S. Senior National Team from 1995-2003. She competed in over 100 international matches during her professional career, and was the second alternate for the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia.

She began her coaching career as an undergraduate assistant coach at UCLA in 200001 where the Bruins won the 2001 NCAA Championship. She then spent one year as an assistant coach at Golden West College before heading over to play professionally in Italy.

In 2003-04 she was a full-time assistant coach at UCLA. Over the weekend, the current squad for Long Beach State women’s water polo defeated its alumnae, 16-9 as Cecilia and Marina Canetti had three goals a piece for the current team.

Four other players added two goals a piece. Kim Hayes had nine saves in goal.

The 49ers open the regular season next weekend when they travel to UC San Diego for the season opening Triton Invite.

‘Niners Stay Perfect At Home

By Ryan ZumMallen

I

BeachBall Guru t takes a big elephant to fill CSULB’s Walter Pyramid, though the men’s basketball team did a great job of ignoring it on the way to home victories over Cal State Northridge (79-72) and the University of Pacific (92-64).

Suspensions to key players Kejuan Johnson and Mark Dawson served as the pachyderm in question after an NCAA eligibility investigation forced the two to sit for an as yet undisclosed amount of games. Associate head coach Reggie Howard also received a suspension for apparent recruiting violations during the summer of 2005.

But riding a wave of fan support not seen on this campus in many a year, the 49ers rolled through a vital two-game homestand with victories over both Cal State Northridge and the University of Pacific. The wins secured a tie for first with Cal Poly SLO in the Big West conference.

Sterling Byrd in flight With the lead on lock for the time being, CSULB holds their destiny in their hands heading into the final few conference games.

Both Northridge and Pacific may have come to Long Beach believing in their chances, but their endings began when Sterling Byrd strapped on his sneakers. The senior forward averaged 22.5 ppg and 5.5 rpg in the two home wins and scored from all spots on the floor. Also stepping up in the absence of his two teammates, Dominique “X-Factor” Ricks racked up 13 points and 12 rebounds in the Northridge win. “I knew that we were missing part of our team and I understand that it was my job to step up,” said the X-Man. The team’s recent success has not gone unnoticed by CSULB students, who showed up en masse for both contests, providing a united support section for the home team and a scathing pit of fire to the opposition. Let’s just say that Beach opponents should think twice before putting up shots that fail to draw iron.

But while the 49ers dominated their two visiting oppo“...get your asses over there and thank the fans” -Coach Larry Reynolds nents, Johnson and Dawson were caught up in a whirlwind of controversy and unanswered questions. CSULB’s athletics department remained extremely secretive concerning the suspensions, though the Long Beach Press-Telegram has reported that the issue surrounds summer school classes taken by both players while attending their respective junior colleges, prior to attending CSULB. Someone close to the situation, however, hinted that the players’ suspensions may be related to that of associate head coach Howard. Howard has been suspended pending an investigation of recruiting violations, possibly the recruitment of both Johnson and Dawson.

Though neither player lent an official statement concerning the issue, both offered the helpful, “It’s some [expletive].”

Without an official word from administration, it is difficult to cast blame on the players. Though the nature and severity of Howard’s violation is unclear, it is still a violation committed by a member of the school’s athletic program, severe enough to warrant NCAA investigation. The athletics department did concede that the NCAA first came to campus to investigate in either late October or early November of 2006. The statement casts a shadow of suspicion on the administration’s claim that the suspensions were self-imposed as “proactive measures.” Yet, suspensions dealt out 4-5 months after initial investigations do not exactly qualify as “proactive.”

Admitting that the department had knowledge of the violations as early as October 2006 but did not act until February of 2007 puts the university’s athletics and moral reputation on the chopping block. Risking the season and futures of two scholar-athletes in hopes to dodge more severe penalties is the most cowardly thing the school could have done, yet it seems to be the truth.

All this thanks to the God-complex NCAA, an organization so blind to its hypocrisy that it is convinced that punishing players for minor violations improves the integrity of collegiate sports. In an age when a recruit cannot accept a hamburger or a ride home from practice but a university can reap millions from the success of its unpaid athletes, integrity is long gone.

Until administration offers to clear up the air, it seems there is no other reasonable conclusion. Perhaps the two people most heavily penalized are the two who best understand the issue. The situation, no matter who is truly at fault, is indeed bullshit.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

5

Opinions

Homeopathic Medicine: Industry of Death

By Sean Bernhoft Contributor

By Derek Crossley Contributor I’ve been called a misogynist more than once, but the best thing I’ve ever been called (besides the time my mom called me, “A son of a bitch”) was when a girl told me I was, “A sadistic, misogynist, trying to live out a male rape fantasy.”

Now, I’m not going to try to defend myself; if someone thinks something about me, then more power to them.

Call me a racist, then fine I’m a racist. Call me a pedophile, then fine I’m a pedophile. I don’t mind.

But I do love women, which at least in my mind, means I can’t be a misogynist. If anything I love girls too much.

But more than hating them, or loving them, I feel bad for them. Not only because they have to go through the pain of child birth and the monthly pain of not having a child. Not because they get paid less for doing the same work. Not even because they can’t pee standing up.

I feel bad because they get emotionally and mentally raped on a daily basis. Our society has decided that no matter what a girl does she is wrong.

The old, “fucked if you do, fucked if you don’t.” If a girl is skinny, she is of course anorexic. If she is normal and has hips, an ass, breasts—you know those things that differentiate the two sexes, then she is fat. No girls on the cover of magazines have any of those things, so neither should they. Now don’t think I’m condoning obesity. Being fat is bad, unhealthy and quite unattractive. But if a girl has any meat on her bones she is labeled with that stigma; taunted and ridiculed, if not by her friends, then by pop culture, until she either starves or overworks herself down to a size -3 or whatever Nicole Richie is this week.

So not only do girls have to worry about their weight, being too big or too small, their breast size, (and let me chime in here for a second from a male’s point of view, SMALL BREASTS ARE FANTASTIC, PLEASE STOP PUTTING SILICONE IN YOUR SKIN.) they also have to worry about who they sleep with.

Not enough guys and they’re a tease.

Too many guys and they’re a whore.

Now this is something I really don’t understand. Guys, men, boys, anyone with a bit of skin dangling between their legs of the heterosexual persuasion, wants to have sex with girls. We can’t help it, I swear. You’re just so soft and, you know…good.

So if the goal of most guys is to get laid, then why the hell are they making girls feel bad about having sex? When I meet a girl that has had sex with a lot of guys I stand up and applaud. “Good for you,” I say. Because inside, secretly, I’m just hoping that one day I’ll be on that list. So don’t call girls sluts and whores.

Don’t call them easy or loose. Throw skank, tramp, wench, bitch, and all those other words out of your vocabulary. Because, don’t you want to get laid?

6

Y

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

Call Me A Sexist

ou like that title, eh? I borrowed it from Tom Cruise. At this point you are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about, which is good —it shows that the popularity of homeopathy has been on the decline in the United States. At any rate, let this serve as a warning to you: first and foremost, homeopathy is quackery.

It is a fraud. It is also a huge industry taking advantage of the ailing and uneducated all over the world. There are alleged homeopathic cures for just about anything: acne, allergies, arthritis, menopause, the flu, and PMS, to name a few. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Too bad all of these homeopathic cures contain absolutely no active ingredient. The key to homeopathy, its advocates claim, is that “like cures like.” With this in mind, what homeopathic “doctors” do is find and presumably eat things to see what effects they have on the human body. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that the liver of the South African wood duck, when ingested, gives a homeopathic “doctor” a severe case of incontinence—violent uncontrollable diarrhea, if you will.

Since “like cures like,” he would insist on using South African wood duck liver in his homeopathic cure for the runs.

It isn’t as simple as feeding wood duck liver to anyone who has incontinence, because if wood duck liver gave him incontinence, logically it must also give someone else the shits. So, in his infinite wisdom, what the “doctor” does is put one part duck liver into ten parts water (or alcohol, which is probably more fun) and shakes it up and down ten times. Next, he would take one part of our new mixture, add it to ten parts water, and shake that mixture up and down ten times. He would continue to dilute each new mixture in this way fifteen (for “normal” potencies) to thirty times (for “stronger” potencies). The doctor would insist that the active “ingredient,” in this case wood duck liver, leaves a negative energy on the water molecules. This mystical “energy,” which can’t be detected by science, is supposed to negate the effects of the wood duck liver in our hypothetical. So, can you imagine what would be produced if we applied the same method to create, say, homeopathic birth control? One part semen in ten parts water, shake ten times, and so on until you have a mixture that almost definitely does not contain a single sperm. “Negative sperm energy” should be created, inhibiting pregnancy. Likewise, this “energy” negates the effects of whatever ingredients homeopathic “doctors” don’t want to actually put in their “real” cures.

This is fucking weird, I know. But people really are selling this stuff.

Look for it in a pharmacy, it can be found in the alternative medicine section. If you look at the back of the bottle, the inactive ingredient will almost always be sugar or water. The “active” ingredient will be listed in Latin (this is because they really do use “remedies” as wacky as wood duck liver). Next to the name will be a number followed by the letter “X” or “C.” This number stands for how many times the dilution process has taken place, and is usually from around nine to thirty. The letter stands for the ratio of ingredient to water: “X” meaning one part

ingredient to ten parts water, “C” meaning one part ingredient to 100 parts water.

A “real” remedy for anxiety and depression lists Plumbus Met, 10X as its active ingredient. Our hypothetical homeopathic birth control might say Sperma Humanus, 15X. The latter is obviously fake, but Plumbus Met seems almost legit, right? That is Latin for lead. Other homeopathic “cures” include arsenic, onions, and ground up honey bees. Not that you could ever find any of these “ingredients” in the final product, anyway. Homeopathy is a fraud, and its “effectiveness” is based entirely on anecdotal evidence. You can’t cure anything but a sweet tooth with sugar pills, and if you think you have you are fooling yourself. Please, don’t use homeopathy, psychic healing, chakra adjustment or any other baseless form of alternative medicine. If any of this stuff worked, it wouldn’t be “alternative” any more. Real medical science requires controlled repeatable evidence, something alternative medicine just doesn’t have.

Veggie or Not Veggie, That Is the Question

By Matthew Linzmeier Contributor It’s never pained me to eat a double western bacon cheeseburger, in fact, I quite enjoy them. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I was aware that an animal was born, raised, slaughtered, and ground up along with others to form the twin patties that composed the bulk of my lunch, but I was content to keep this notion in the back of my mind. Recently though, by accident, I mused over the possible number of now deceased animals I have personally sampled. I became unnerved by the potential thousands. It struck me that the subsequent suffering and death caused by meat eating needed further justification than its being tasty. I went on a fact-finding mission. I was going to find rational and empirical reasons for continuing to be a modern carnivore. I did find that meat was a prime source for all the essential amino acids and a number of important nutrients.

But the list of benefits seemed to stop there.

The consequences proved more numerous and severe.

The ethical problems with meat consumption are obvious. Animals are killed to make food. Infinitely worse, however,

is the suffering by which their lives are defined. From birth, livestock are fed growth hormones that can cripple and deform, and antibiotics to fight against the infectious feces-ridden environments into which they are densely packed for the duration of their lives. Come killing time, slaughter is typically accomplished by a slitting of the throat, a means of execution which is only usually fast, and never painless. Even if intelligence is directly related to a capacity for suffering, there is no doubt that to whatever extent these beasts are capable of, they are spending their entire lives in misery. The meat industry is a business in which efficiency trumps any form of compassion.

Suffering aside, there are a great number of environmental, economical, and health consequences to meat consumption. The industry is wasteful in most ways imaginable.

Slightly more than half the water and harvested agriculture in the United States is distributed to the maintenance of livestock.

More of our food is given to our food than to ourselves. As it currently stands, the industry couldn’t maintain a profit without the help of generous government subsidies paid for by our taxes. And meat isn’t the industry’s only output. Meat farms and factories are leading

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

purveyors of water, air, and soil pollution.

As well, trace contaminants from hormones, antibiotics, and pesticides can find their way into the final product along with already present saturated fats and cholesterol, which may help explain how certain studies show that vegetarians have longer life expectancies than even casual meat eaters.

The fallacies of eating meat as I have presented have been greatly abbreviated. They are far more numerous and detailed than I can possibly describe in this space. There’s a wealth of information and literature lauding a meat-free diet and society, and much less so in opposition of one. Essentially I began my informational search by seeking rebuttals to vegetarianism, but I’ve found that such a community doesn’t exist in any serious form.

This has given me the impression that the meat industry is largely supported by apathy.

People don’t often bother reevaluating social norms and the consumption of meat is no exception. I myself have not yet made any personal convictions, but that double western cheeseburger already sounds a lot less tasty, and the more knowledge I come into, the more practical vegetarianism seems on both a personal and global scale. At the very least it deserves some serious consideration.

5 February 2007

[Opinions]

Random Rants

California vs. The Slow Motion Apocalypse

By Darren Davis

R

Union Staffer

emember when global warming was just a conspiracy of liberals and godless scientists trying to trick the hardworking people of America into destroying their cars and converting to a utopian community of pagan worship and LSD dropping?

Well, those days are now over.

Despite the hundreds of scientific journals published over the last couple of decades providing substantial evidence that human meddling has pushed our planet’s delicate climate to a breaking point, general concern for the annihilation of species seems to have only recently been added to the average American’s already crowded list of crippling fears. Thanks to a little help from Katrina, Al Gore, a couple drowned polar bears, some snow in Malibu and, you know, scientific fact, global warming has become pop culture.

Even the most staunch red state conservatives, the ones who drink crude oil and physically radiate greenhouse gases, are joining in on the fun as the American people gather together to give out one, big, patriotic, “Oh, shit.”

Although the Federal government is making some headway (Pelosi and the gang have finally been able to get the President to use the words “emissions” and “cut-back” in relative sequence at his State of The Union address), real change will be slow coming. The problem lies in the fact that that any proactive steps towards reducing air pollutants will not yield tangible results, which is what the American public wants. Most proposed plans to improve air quality on the state and federal level are measured out in decades, with no way for tax payers to know if their money is actually going to good use; no person will be able to walk outside one morning, sniff the air and say, “The net carbon increase is down 0.006% today. Look at my tax dollars go!” Now alienated from The Cause, we have replaced ignorance with ambivalence, a whole country stuck in political gridlock as the world crawls along on a slow motion apocalypse.

What is needed are governing bodies on a more local level to act in spite of the wider social static, to make decisions for the long-term and stick to them, to kick-start a social, political and technological upheaval from the inside out. Enter California.

The Golden State, led by Arnie and his split-ticket state office, is quickly becoming the frontrunner in The War On Life As We Know It No Longer Existing. As you may or may not have heard, last June the state filed a lawsuit against 6 of the largest automobile manufacturers for their contribution to what is being called a “public nuisance.” The state demanded retribution for the billions of dollars spent to reverse damages to the environment caused by automobile carbon dioxide emissions. While many political analysts and my old Negative Nancy of a roommate considered the lawsuit to be a stunt aimed at humoring environmentally concerned voters before mid-term and gubernatorial election, I still felt proud of my boys up in Sac-town when I heard the news. (Although, I do drive a Ford—talk about ambivalence).

Even if the lawsuit evaporated over the summer, you can bet it caused a bunch of CEOs and shareholders to give out a little “Oh, shit” of their own; and it is the CEOs and shareholders in this great nation who have the power to decide whether or not we jump head first into oblivion. Best to scare them early and scare them often.

Then, on November 20th, the Long Beach and Los Angeles Port Commissions announced a new agreement called the San Pedro Bay Ports Clean Air Action Plan, or as I call it the SPBPCAAP. The new act will reduce air pollutants caused by California’s two busiest ports by 47% within the next five years by incorporating new technology and phasing out all “dirty” trucks and other machinery. No, I do not know what that means either, but it sounds nice. The important thing is this new plan is not being talked about, negotiated, seriously considered, tested, or sent to focus groups. It is happening now. And while it is only a small step in the grand scheme of things, it is still a step.

With other states such as New York and Washington announcing similar industrial changes on more local levels, we should all be hoping for a domino effect. If nothing else, maybe the rest of the country will begin to look to California as an example of positive progressive change, instead of wishing for a cataclysmic earthquake to send the state sailing off into the Pacific, taking all of the illegals, pot smokers, and Hollywierdos with it.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

On Holey Sticks Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about; if you get Degree sticks, they have holes drilled in them to let you know how much more you have.

Halfway through, there’s one hole, and by the time there’s only a quarter of a stick left, there’s three. They say these holes are there to help us better plan our deodorizing life. Supposedly.

I think they’re really just trying to gyp me out of two five inch long, five millimeters in diameter holes of deodorant. And it really, really, steams my vegetables. I mean, I paid two fifty for a whole stick, not a holey one. This is the biggest consumer outrage since Ticketmaster invented the “convenience charge.”

-Mike Guardabascio

On Morality and Tidbits: Few philosophers admit it and I can’t think of a single religious person who will even entertain the thought, but there is nothing certain about morality. As far as we know, the word “moral” has no significant meaning.

Really, morality’s only justified use is for a person to guide his or her own behavior.

Somehow this tidbit has completely escaped a lot of people in the public spotlight, even some of our policy makers. It has become commonplace for people to judge and even repress others based on their own personal sense of morality. Some call such people self-righteous or high-and-mighty but I prefer an older word: bigot. So, fuck morality, and fuck the morality police.

-Chris Barrett

STUDENT RECREATION AND WELLNESS CENTER NOTICE OF ADVISORY STUDENT FEE REFERENDUM VOTER PAMPHLET AND COPY OF OFFICIAL BALLOT

VOTER INFORMATION

A fee referendum has been requested through the university’s Student Fee Advisory Committee by the University Student Union Board of Trustees (USUBOT). The advisory student fee referendum will be conducted to determine if a Student Recreation and Wellness Center will be constructed at CSULB. The fee referendum will be conducted on Tuesday, February 27, and Wednesday, February 28, 2007. Polls will be open from 9 a.m. – 7 p.m. and will be located at the Main Library, Bookstore, CBA East Walkway, West Campus Turnaround, VEC/SSPA area and at the Residence Commons. No campaigning, for or against the referendum, will be permitted within 50 ft. of the polls.

BACKGROUND

Over the past few years, the USUBOT and the Associated Students, Inc. (ASI) conducted a number of meetings and focus groups, as well as an online survey of the CSULB student body, to ascertain the students’ interest in a Student Recreation and Wellness Center. As a result of these actions, the USUBOT and ASI are proposing the construction of a 125,000 sq. ft. facility that will include such amenities as a large area for new weight lifting and cardio equipment; eight basketball, volleyball, and badminton courts; seven multi-purpose dance/ group fitness rooms for student group use; multiple racquetball courts; an indoor jogging track; a rock climbing wall; a juice bar; and lounge and an outdoor recreation swimming pool. The proposed Student Recreation and Wellness Center will also include programming elements such as new group fitness and aerobic classes; dietary, body fat, health and wellness programming; and guaranteed late night facility access with open gym time for all

students. The proposed plan will also double the Intramural Sports and Sport Clubs budgets, provide personal fitness training and student-run programs and services. The proposed fee would be an increase in the University Student Union fee of $110 per semester ($83 for summer students).

GENERAL INFORMATION Argument for a Fee Increase All currently enrolled CSULB students will be allowed full access to the Student Recreation and Wellness Center without paying any additional fees for the facility.

Students will not have to pay the new fee until the year the Student Recreation and Wellness Center opens.

CSULB students will have access to the same level of recreational opportunities as college students at other quality CSU and UC campuses.

The Student Recreation and Wellness Center will provide employment opportunities for approximately 300 CSULB students.

Argument against a Fee Increase The current campus recreation facilities and wellness programs for students are sufficient.

The proposed fee would be another fee increase during a period of continued fee increases.

Students can join health clubs and gyms in the community if they want additional recreation facilities.

This notice is issued by the Student Fee Advisory Committee.

5 February 2006

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

7

Photo Courtesy of Silversun Pickups

Lily Allen Monday @ Hollywood Henry Fonda Theatre

Monday5 Pennywise @ House of Blues Anaheim – 7pm $20 The Game @ House of Blues Sunset Strip – 8pm $40 Paul Weller @ Avalon, Hollywood – 8pm $37.50 Lily Allen @ Henry Fonda, Hollywood – 9pm $23 Division Day @ Spaceland, Silverlake – 9pm FREE

Tuesday6 Otep @ Whiskey, Hollywood – 7pm $20 Pennywise @ House of Blues Anaheim – 7pm $20 The 88 @ Key Club, Hollywood – 8pm $10 The Hatch @ The Troubadour, West Hollywood – 9.30 pm $8 Dynamite Walls @ Spaceland, Silverlake – 10pm $8 Bad Dudes @ The Smell – 10pm $5

Wednesday7 Pennywise @ House of Blues, Anaheim – 7pm $20 Stellastarr* @ Troubadour, West Hollywood – 8pm $15 King Kong @ Echo, Hollywood – 9pm $12 The Lady Tigra @ Spaceland, Silverlake – 10pm $8 Seven Falls @ Chain Reaction, Anaheim – 7.30pm $10 Pocahaunted @ The Smell – 10pm $5

Thursday8 Brazilian Girls @ Glass House, Pomona – 7pm $17 The Game @ House of Blues Anaheim – 7pm $40 Sarah Silverman @ The Troubadour, West Hollywood – 7pm $25 Emmure @ Chain Reaction, Anaheim – 7.30pm $10 Eleni Mandell @ The Echo, Hollywood – 8pm $18 Stanley Clarke @ The Vault 350 – 6pm $25

Friday9 Sparklehorse @ The Henry Fonda, Hollywood – 9pm $18 Bullets and Octane @ The Roxy, Hollywood – 8pm $11 Miho Hatori @ The Troubadour, West Hollywood – 8pm $12 The Autumns @ The Echo, Hollywood – 8.30pm $8 Metro Station @ Chain Reaction, Anaheim – 7.30pm $10 Arches @ The Smell – 11pm $5 Coco Montoya @ The Coach House – 8pm $15

Saturday10 Mirah @ The Troubadour, West Hollywood – 8pm $10 The Roots @ The Gibson Ampitheatre, Universal City – 8.15 $45-65 Sarah Shannon @ Spaceland, Silverlake – 10pm $10 Cheap Sex @ Chain Reaction, Anaheim – 7.30 $12 Kenny G. @ The Wilshire Theatre, Beverly Hills – 7.30pm $66 - 350 Flaspar @ The Smell – 11pm $5 The Tubes @ The Coach House – 8pm $25

Sunday11 Incubus @ The Wiltern LG, Los Angeles – 8pm $40 Julieta Venegas @ The Grove, Anaheim – 8pm $37.50 Los Lobos @ The Key Club at Morongo - 8pm $35 Run For Cover @ Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Part Time Punks @ The Echo, Hollywood – 10pm $5 The Wildbirds @ Spaceland, Silverlake – 8pm $10

8

Silversun Pickups: Live & Stunning

I

wish that someone somewhere would give out an award called “Most Surprisingly Impressive Live Band of the Year.” In fact, I wish I were in charge of giving that award. You know, I wish I could give that award to someone right now, because if I could, I would give it to a group of humans from Silverlake, California called Silversun Pickups. A very obvious product of Silverlake’s penchant for presenting the music industry with little babies begotten from the seed of its undying shoegazer scene, Silversun Pickups caught my interest when I heard them on Indie 103.1FM. You know, that station that never tells you what band it’s playing?

Well thank the lord they told me who this band was, otherwise I would never have been able to catch them at West Hollywood’s the Troubadour.

My expectations of a band’s live performance are generally pretty accurate when based on their ability to impress me via their studio recordings. I’m usually pretty good at sifting through the layers and understanding the creativity and inventiveness that went into the actual recordings themselves, stripping away the nuggets of gold brought to the table by a shrewd producer or mixer.

This doesn’t necessarily mean I preemptively judge a live show based on how good I think a band is, it means I make this prediction based on how creative and inventive I perceive them to be. I believe that these two qualities are the cornerstones to a good live performance. In general, my mental barometer is fairly on-target, inasmuch as bands are generally as impressive (or unimpressive) as I’m expecting them to be. There are instances, however, when I’m completely thrown off guard. Every once in a while, a band will completely come from nowhere with a blisteringly good live show that makes me question my psychic abilities altogether.

Silversun Pickups took the stage at the Troubadour two nights in a row to the screams of a sold-out crowd.

The band just got through touring as the opening act for Aussie megaband and newfound MTV fodder

Wolfmother, and they were clearly riding high on the fact that they were playing to a club full of people there to see them and them alone. As they took the stage, these guys’ (and gal—Nikki Monninger played the part of adorable female bass player) faces were all aglow with the smiles of kids who are still genuinely pleasantly surprised about the fact that they were playing in front of a shitload of strangers who want to listen to their music for two hours.

That’s the greatest part about Silversun Pickups— they’re still new to the game, it seems, and they give it all they’ve got. Maybe it’ll never change, maybe it’ll be the hallmark of Silversun Pickups shows years into the future…but at this point it seems like Silversun Pickups are still so genuinely stoked to be playing music in front of people that they give it their all. The energy and hopefulness with which they play can’t be described as anything but youthful. As they began their set, frontman Brian Aubert struck a classic rockout pose, his right foot up on the monitor in front of him, and the band ripped into the opening chords of “Melatonin.” The show progressed as such for the next hour and a half, as the band played every track off their debut full-length Carnavas (available on Dangerbird records), and even a couple off their old school EP, Pikul.

SSPU rode their high through their entire set. Every song was infused with an energy not heard on the record. Even the most self-conscious music aficionados had to be pumping fists in the air as the band screamed through the chords of songs like the radio-friendly “Lazy Eye,” and the end-of-album-picker-upper “Common Reactor.” Aubert thrashed his guitar and screamed his lungs out, and the result was a blisteringly energetic, yet refreshingly austere performance by a band with one of the most earnest and unassumingly good live shows I’ve seen in a long time. Oh, and bassist Nikki Monninger is super hot, too.

-By Sean Bouger

Plagued by rumors of discontent and unrest within the band, the year looked uncertain for Sparta. Media coverage of rifts and tension both between band members and towards Mars Volta (which comprises old bandmates from At The Drive-In), left many fans concerned over the much-speculated third album.

The departure of Paul Hinojos, who rejoined old bandmates Cedric Bixler-Zavala and Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (Mars Volta), meant Sparta was able to begin writing new material, seeking to widen the void between old ties and a fresh sound. In January 2006, guitarist Keeley Davis (formerly of Denali and Engine Down), joined Sparta. During a recent show at HOB Anaheim, Davis spoke of his admiration for the producers and engineers on Sparta’s recent release Threes and how producer Dave Bassett helped the band “get the songs as strong as possible,” a process he described as, “so natural.” By having no pre-conceived ideas on the direction of the new record, Sparta has emerged with a fuller and more richly layered “big” sound, a clear gravitation away from sophomore album Porcelain which appeared limp and lackluster after the heartwrenching energy of debut release, Wiretap Scars.

Threes, like Wiretap Scars, is an album full of immediate and provocative singles, each markedly different,

which in the eyes of Keeley Davis is the product of the mixed influences of the band members. “First off, Tony, our drummer, grew up listening to metal. Jim [lead singer/guitarist] and I are kind of on the same page. We listen to a lot more of the East Coast Punk scene, and Matt [bass player], I think, was more into the California Punk scene. We all grew up on that stuff. So when you mix it all, that’s how it makes a unique sound.

Sometimes, I’ll be like ‘what you’re doing is completely butting heads with what I want to do,’ but sometimes that makes things work. Because when you have that tension, it creates something brand new.”

In October 2006, Sparta headlined a tour with bands Sound Team, Lola Ray, and As Tall As Lions. Their live performance (for which they have always been highly acclaimed) shows no sign of tiring; at HOB Anaheim, Sparta ripped up the stage and stunned the audience with the sheer energy of “Assemble The Empire,” “Cut Your Ribbon,” “Mye,” “Guns of Memorial Park” and “Unstitch Your Mouth,” taken from Threes. Considering the history of the band and the short time the new lineup has had to work, produce and perform together, the live performance of Sparta and the new hope of Threes shatters any perception of the band’s early demise.

-By Katy Thomas

Madness?! This Is Sparta!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

5 February 2007

Let’s Pretend We Don’t Exist I Of Montreal hosts a psychedelic dance party at the Troubadour.

t was a lonely Sunday night, and goddamnit I was looking to be a part of an ecstacy-fueled, homoerotic disco dance party complete with gold-sequin-wearing performers, a giant lobster claw being worn over a man’s arm, and a skinny dude with his face painted exposing his pubes to the audience while wearing incredibly short denim shorts and fishnet leggings. Yeah… that’s exactly how I felt. But where in the holy hell was I going to find such a shindig?! Where in the name of all things blasphemous was I going to locate and attend such an event, without running the risk of contracting some sort of life-threatening disease as a result of being anally raped?

The answer, of course, was to be found at West Hollywood’s beloved Troubadour, where indie-pop demigods Of Montreal were to be staging a performance.

Of Montreal come to us from the relatively normalsounding Athens, Georgia, but they bring with them all the bizarreness, homosexuality, sequins, and Vaudevillian silliness of a West Hollywood theatre troupe. Their show at the Troubadour in Hollywood was a relentless onslaught of delightfully sweet indie pop fused with brightly enjoyable and equally danceable funk pop.

At about 10pm, the band took the stage wearing sparkling, gold-sequined outfits with frontman Kevin Barnes sauntering out wearing odd-looking face-paint and some kind of Native American dress thing. By about ten-fifteen, the entire audience was a singular hopping mass, every tapered-jean-wearing indie kid in the crowd jumping up and down, grooving to the phatty beats pulsing from the stage.

A band as conceptually tight as Of Montreal certainly faces difficulties when preparing their songs for live performances: the tunes are harmonically rich and are accompanied by electronic beats and densely layered arrangements… not always easy to accomplish on stage. Of Montreal, however, handled this obstacle with the greatest of ease. Every harmony heard on the album was represented perfectly on stage. Every

5 February 2007

double bass line, every keyboard riff, every electronic drum beat was replicated with stunning accuracy and attention to detail. At the show, I was standing next to a young woman who was a friend of Barnes’ from Athens. She told me that he was close to obsessive when it came to practicing, insisting that everything be executed perfectly, and these habits really paid off live. The show was engaging, entertaining, energetic, and excellent. It was also extremely exciting. Of Montreal entranced me with their enigmatically epic exhibition of musical exploits.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

All alliteration aside, the band was fantastic. The show had all the hallmarks of a great performance: interesting visuals, well-orchestrated live versions of songs that are already great when recorded, frequent costume changes, and a giant lobster claw. That’s right, at one point singer Kevin Barnes put a giant rubber lobster claw on his arm and went around poking his band members. This, of course, was when he wasn’t wearing giant vaudeville clown pants (complete with suspenders) with no shirt, or prancing around in a giant, glittery gold shirt with short shorts underneath. And let’s not forget when he got up on a ladder and put on a giant gown and headdress, singing “Oslo in the Summertime” looking like a giant person.

In spite of all its bizarreness, Of Montreal’s show at the Troubadour was a fantastic foray into a strange, theatrical and funky world of craziness. Here’s hoping I get invited back.

-By Sean Boulger

Photo Courtesy of Of Montreal

9

BOOM!

David Lynch Builds An Empire

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Review of Inland Empire

By Mike Turner

C

oming out of the theater, everything looks…weird.

Too vivid, too dimensional. David Lynch’s latest is a three-hour nightmare recorded on consumer grade digital cameras that—to a greater degree than any film commercially released in 2006, or in our recent era for that matter—takes its audience into the dream of what the medium of cinema offers. If I had seen this earlier in my life, it would have either shaken my palette to the core or I would’ve dismissed it as incoherent; that’s hard to say. But here, in 2007, upon the threshold of the future, Inland Empire confirms everything I believed film could be.

That is, what if all the tethers of making a film could be cut? No tight schedules—no script rewrites—no lighting set-ups—no studios—on and on. I don’t understand why the bulk of young filmmakers are so beholden to what Old Hollywood expects of them, catering to what the masses raised on it expect to see. If you’re in it for the paycheck, the parties, that’s one thing. For those in it for the art, Lynch just positioned himself head and shoulders above his peers—and with a fraction of their studio budgets. Others have gotten close, but they are still too shackled to literary traditions and studio production values that need to be stripped off. These shackles are self-imposed.

Film has the ability to tell stories like poetry: abstractly, and with cavernous space for interpretation. Take the Maggie Gyllenhaal vehicle SherryBaby, which came out shortly after Empire. Both films could share Lynch’s tagline “A Woman in Trouble,” but Sherry is a dull showing of it, primarily for the reason that it could just as easily work as a short story, and perhaps be better for it. Empire would not work on paper. It uses sight and sound to transport you like no other medium can, through shapes and darkness and noise and rhythms that achieve transfiguration.

Empire, like its far more conventional predecessor Mulholland Drive, is not necessarily a mystery to be solved.

The real mysteries never are. There are engaging narrative threads, but those are secondary to the visceral experience.

We’ve seen much of Empire in Lynch’s other work, but this is hardly rehashing the past. He has found a language, in faces and hallways and mantras, through which he can communicate symbolically the themes over which he obsesses. Mulholland Drive was a stepping off point. Inland Empire is the beginning of the depth.

The significance of this film lies in what would happen if the great cinematic talents of our generation left the studio system and all of its tethers, and instead used cameras they can operate on their own, let their stories evolve in the moment, were conscious of soundscape, got lost in their own experience, and resurfaced with a real Photo Courtesy of Studio Canal product of their mind’s eye. Look. It occurred just now, and it’s something very beautiful in its singularity.

Unlike the numbing horror dribble released every three weeks nationwide, this is—finally—a horror film that actually scares in the tradition of Psycho, fucking deeply with daily associative processes. And it will scare Hollywood on two levels. Literally, because it’s aimed at people who make movies—the actor who gets too lost in her role, who hears strange noises coming from beneath the covered sets. It’s also terrifying for many to imagine what would happen if their most bankable talents follow Lynch into the wild to forsake the studios for art. They have to believe their audiences will follow them.

I’m tired of going to the theater knowing what to expect.

I’m ready for something different. You’re set free.

pull up a stool

with cynthia romanowski

Club Sachi Personally I am a dive bar, beer drinking redneck but when I do feel like dressing all slutty, sipping on a specialty drink and dancing my ass off, Club Sachi is my favorite place to be.

Thursday is college night at Sachi (which is the Japanese word for happy) featuring no cover charge with college I.D., $5 Long Island ice teas, and $3 domestic beers. Located in the Seaport Marina Hotel on 2nd and PCH, it may not look very impressive on the outside but don’t be fooled, inside is a sleek, crimson atmosphere that for some reason everybody seems drawn to. And it’s true: ask around and you won’t find many first timers. Many people have already discovered that Sachi is an excellent place to party at and keep coming back every week.

Sachi features two large rooms, private V.I.P. booths complete with bottle service and big patio with an outdoor bar which is one of the few places where you can still smoke and order a drink outside. But overall the best thing about Sachi is that there’s always something to do there. You can play pool, munch on some of the authentic Mexican tacos on the patio (the perfect drunk food), have fun with the stripper pole or simply dance the night away courtesy of resident DJ Jack Martin.

Formerly of Club Rubber and the Gaslamp, Jack likes to kick it old school as far as DJ-ing goes, which includes packing his car to the brim and lugging in tons of vinyl for your enjoyment. He and DJ Coley Coal play a nice mix of Top 40, hip hop, pop, classic rock and every once in a while a touch of house (but not too much).

If DJ’s aren’t your thing, Sachi is also the best place in Long Beach to catch Southern California’s finest tribute bands, from classics like The Doors and Led Zeppelin to more recent favorites like Nirvana and Metallica. These trib-

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ute bands take their jobs very seriously and go to any length to rock your socks off. They usually play on Friday nights, which, as you could probably guess, brings in a little bit of an older crowd until it gets late.

Saturday nights, on the other hand, are a completely different story; it’s always packed so get there early because you definitely don’t want to miss the ultimate 80s tribute band: The Spazmatics. With high energy, choreographed dance moves and a wardrobe that consists of pocket protectors, bike helmets, and neck braces these guys are thoroughly entertaining, even if you don’t like to dance.

The latest promo night at Sachi is the recently introduced Montego Nights every Monday. Claiming to be a truly “hedonistic experience” with a full-out bikini bar and $4 Jack-and-cokes and Absolute Rockstars, Montego Nights is the perfect guys’ night out. I actually haven’t gone yet (it just kicked off on Jan. 22nd) but all of the bartenders at Sachi are super hot (male and female alike), and most of them are local to Long Beach, so it’s worth checking out.

INTERNET

Hello friends! Welcome to my guide to the magical world that is the Internet. If you are anything like me (which for the good of humanity I hope you aren’t) then you’ve not only heard of YouTube and newgrounds, you have seen scores of pointless video clips and flash animations. Unfortunately, it’s hard to tell if it’s worth it to load a video from some ten-year-old gansta parodying a cheesy R&B hit. Luckily for you I’ve volunteered to be your guide. Think of me as your safari guide to a jungle of time-wasting flash games and idiots making fools of themselves. So without further ado, let’s move on to our first video, shall we?

Zladko Vladcik may not be a household name in America, but one look at his out of this world video (found at http://www. molvania.com/video_medium_2.html / or search Google for Molvania Zlad) and you’ll agree he should be. His hit, “Elektronik Supersonik”, is performed à la Shatner, more spoken than sung, and in a Cold War spy film accent that pushes the kitsch factor over the top. From missing the number three in his launch countdown to claiming the sun rises in the west, Zladko is a little bit of a Cold War stereotype and a lot of comic plutonium.

Next up is a video that, while not laugh-out-loud funny, shows an insane amount of dedication. It kind of awes you in the way the back of a dollar bill awes a stoner. Tony vs. Paul (found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJzU3NjDikY / or search YouTube for Tony vs. Paul) is like The Matrix as a teen drama done in painstaking stop-motion animation. The video shows two friends fighting each other with an array of superhuman powers, like levitation and telekinesis. It’s both violent and whimsical; what’s not to love!

Our next internet video (visit http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=Y7YSCRWAjDU / or search YouTube for Mr. F.A.B. ghost ride it), is at the center of the craze of ghost riding. If you don’t know how to “ghost ride it”, all it involves is hopping out of your car and sitting on the car as it rolls down the street. As if just watching that isn’t ridiculous enough, the video-sport guys in hard hats, a gold plated megaphone and what appears to be a giant Muppet all caught in the magical web of ghost riding.

The last YouTube clip I present is an investigative report on a problem affecting thousands of young adult males.

I’m talking about bro rape (http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8 / or search YouTube for bro rape). The video covers what to look for in a bro rapist, mostly the stench of Axe body spray and a deep appreciation of Jack Johnson. It ends with a sting that catches a few bro rapists ready to pounce on their unsuspecting fellow bros, complete with their gamecubes, bottles of Axe and other incriminating evidence.

Well, it looks like our time together is at an end. While I’m sure my ideas will make you look far more connected than your loser friends, you might have an idea for me. Feel free to e-mail me any of your favorite Internet pastimes to dylan@lbunion.com.

-By Dylan Little

6400 E. PCH Long Beach 562-252-8434

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

5 February 2007

Reel News Hannibal Rising R

Pale Rider

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Chris Penn Director: Clint Eastwood Retail Price: $12.98 Marking the first western by Clint Eastwood in nearly a decade, like a gunshot that resonates throughout the ages, 1985’s Pale Rider was Eastwood’s answer to the long silence. The timeless struggle against injustice carries on in Eastwood’s vision of the old west as the citizens of a poor mining community are threatened by a greedy tycoon who wants to take their land for his own. As their community and the land is ravaged by the strip-mining operation, one man, only known as the Preacher (Eastwood), comes out of the sunset to right all that is wrong in this hell-torn world.

The cast portrays the full range of emotions as the plot unfolds in Eastwood’s classic tale of survival. Ranging from the dastardly Stockburn, who acts with the cold, calculating, heartless actions of a man driven by greed, to the kind hearted fourteen year-old Megan, who opens her heart up to the wandering Preacher. Eastwood’s selection of stellar cast is only dwarfed by his own performance in this skillfully crafted western. Instilling the essence of the true wandering savior, the Preacher’s hand can bring as much hope and warmth as he can bring pain and wrath upon the lawless. Demanding nothing from the viewer, Pale Rider gives back the kind of emotional prowess that is only seen once in a blue moon.

The epic storytelling of Eastwood is enough to forgive the lack of normally expected special features in today’s DVDs. Opening up the DVD menu you find what was once considered standard in the beginning of DVDs: scene selections, theatrical trailers, and subtitles. The true spirit of this movie is what compels you to buy the DVD and not all the fancy bells and whistles tacked onto today’s substandard cinematic creations.

So, for anyone who is looking to enjoy a classic while huddling in the corner recovering from winter break withdrawals, run to your nearest video store and pick up your own copy of Clint Eastwood’s Pale Rider, a true bang for your buck.

-By Philip Vargas

5 February 2007

Face/Off

Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Travolta Director: John Woo Retail Price: $12.98 Since Ghost Rider will be blazing into theaters next week, I felt more than compelled to showcase another Cage classic and review Face/Off, easily one of the greatest action movies ever made.

The movie begins with Nicolas Cage playing Castor Troy, one of the screens most badass, witty and maniacal sons of bitches. Opposite of Cage, John Travolta plays Sean Archer, the FBI cop who has a long history of tracking down Cage and having him just slip through his fingers. Travolta manages to arrest Cage after he tries to escape the U.S. in a private jet, shooting down his jet with the help of a helicopter and handgun.

After taking Castor Troy in, Archer gets wise to the fact that Troy has secretly planted a bomb somewhere in LA and the only way to find out where it is, is to go deep undercover. And considering the fact that only Castor Troy’s brother knows where it is, it’s going to be nearly impossible to find out. That is until he hears about a crazy new operation that would allow him to literally switch faces with his arch-nemesis!

Okay, the only other thing you need to know about the story now is the obvious, they switch faces. The good guy becomes the bad guy and the bad guy becomes the good guy. This allows for Travolta and Cage to both go all out and act as crazy/heroic as they like. The action never stops and the gun fights are amazing. Cage actually has a pair of golden guns! No one has had that since that one Bond movie about the guy with the golden gun, and he only had one!

For all you naysayers who think the plot of this movie is a little too over-the-top, that it’s not possible for people to switch faces, then I have some news for you. In 2005, science fiction became science fact when a 38 year-old french woman received the first ever face transplant, after having most of her face decimated by a dog. Too bad she didn’t look anything like Nicolas Cage or John Travolta afterwards.

View the origin of a murderer, as a man becomes a monster who enjoys eating your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Differentiating from its predecessors, Hannibal Rising is written by the demented Thomas Harris, creator of Red Dragon and Silence of the Lambs. The events in Lecter’s war-torn youth reveal the tragedies and hardships that shaped him into the sadistic killer that all have come to both fear and admire. The revelations of the beginnings of a serial killer are portrayed as those of revenge that soon transform into an insatiable thirst for blood. This movie earns the honor of being the pick of the week.

Norbit PG-13

It seems like Eddie Murphy has to let those voices in his head out in the only way he knows how…wearing a fat suit. Trying too hard to be funny, this movie can’t be anything more than a complete steaming pile on the already questionable career of Eddie Murphy. Hanging by a single comedic thread, the story revolves around Norbit (Murphy), a man who has always been down on his luck, as is shown in his presence in this movie. On top of things he is married to his fat demeaning self, Rasputia, who crushes every ounce of life out of him as well as all the funny that could have possibly been in this movie. Run as fast you can away from this one because if you dare look at it, you will have two hours of your life completely sucked away that you can never get back.

-By Mike Pallotta

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

5 February 2007

Angels & Demons Intake

By Mike Guardabascio

Y T I N ETER

Illustration by Jimmy Dinh

[Creative Arts]

Arranging the paperwork into exact right angles on his desk, the demon stroked his goatee and said, “Right.

What are you here for?”

The man in front of him, tall, skinny, wearing a suit, quivered. “Are you…Sa-sa-sa-Satan?”

The demon snorted. “Yeah right. You don’t warrant the big guy, bub. I’m just intake. Now: What. Are. You. Here. For?” “I-I don’t know. I didn’t. I mean. I never did anything wrong.”

The demon threw his head back and roared laughter, small tendrils of steam wafting up from his nostrils. “Right.

Sure. Of course you didn’t. Ever sleep around on your wife?”

The man paled. “Maybe once or twice.”

The demon looked at the papers and cocked an eyebrow. “Uhuh. How’d your mother die?”

“Ca-cancer.”

“Simply dreadful. But I’m sure you were there to comfort her, right?”

“Well. I. There was a conference.”

“Of course there was. You never did anything wrong, so you weren’t ever involved in a hit and run, right?”

“But they- they never caught me.”

The demon looked around. “Please. And how about that girl you came on to junior year of high school?”

The man swallowed, hard.

“And maybe worst of all; you’ve got two kids, right?”

“Yeah…”

“I will let you out of here if you can name one friend of either of your children.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck! This isn’t fair!”

“Oh shut up, already. You don’t even know the meaning of the word. Fair is exactly what this is.

Unfair…I can tell you about unfair. Try being here for two hundred years in order to move up to a fucking desk job, processing idiot after idiot like you, who wasted their lives and never gave a shit about anything, and then comes in here all mopey that they don’t get to spend eternity in bliss. Fuck off, man. You had your whole life to do one decent thing, one great act of charity or kindness, and you didn’t, not once, in 55 years. You’re here because of you; nothing could be fairer.”

The man hung his head. “So…what happens now?”

“What happens now? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing for the rest of time. You get to waste eternity like you wasted your life on earth; sitting. Waiting. And if you’re really good at doing nothing, you might just get to take a pretty stamp, like this one,” he said, holding up an ornate stamp.

The man nodded.

“And talk to idiots like yourself.”

The man nodded again.

“And stamp their paperwork like this,” he said, slamming the stamp down. “And then press this button to send them off to absolutely nothing. An eternity of silence, boredom, and uselessness. Hope you make the most of it, pal.”

He hit the red button on the left of his desk and the man went shooting down a hole in the floor.

The demon sighed, and shuffled the man’s paperwork together, dropping it in a little chute in the wall next to him.

“Fuck,” he muttered quietly. Then he took another stack of papers from his pile, and hit the intercom to let them know he was ready for another one.

The End

The door slammed in his face. The warmth from the fire was gone and the chill of winter air began to sting his cheeks. He stared at the planks of wood separating him from her, studying the grain, paralyzed on her doorstep in the snow. The light next to his head shut off, even the warm glow from the small light bulb had gone cold. The tears welling up in his eyes froze as they slid down his cheeks. He turned and began his descent down the stairs. The stairs that used to bring him so much joy and promise as he climbed his way up to the top. His mind was no longer blank and the questions began as his pace quickened on the icy sidewalk. How could this be? The world he once knew, the happiness he once had, the future he had planned for himself had all been shattered by a single word. No. It was over.

He felt as if a noose had been tied around his heart, and the bottom had just dropped out from below him, tightening the rope. It was as if with every heartbeat his body strained to receive enough blood. It was over.

In between that which lies above and below I feel all that I have ever known be torn in two.

What is good and what is evil, other than words for things that are far beyond what man has ever known.

To feel the blistering flames of the abyss lick the pit of your soul is to truly experience the emptiness of the beyond .

Illuminous ascention.

Endless plight.

- By Katie Reinman

My choice no longer matters I feel the pull of fate and accept what will be My time is here and the judgment shall be final

Illustration By Katie Reinman

Illustration By Philip Vargas

Illustration By Philip Vargas

5 February 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

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[Comics] Life n Times By Lewis Grey

Tom By Andrew “Android” Wilson

Craiyon Box By David Faulk

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: Byrd@lbunion.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a Across 1- Financial institution 5- Creamy-beige color 9- Mutilate, spoil 12- Purim month 13- Rasp 15- Musical composition for one 16- Increase in height or

number 17- Daisy 18- Currency unit in Western Samoa 19- Endurance 21- Namesake 23- Watch 24- Legal science 25- Affectionate

28- Deficiency of oxygen 33- Goes into business 34- Trudge 35- Depression in a surface 36- Night spot 37- Oneness 38- Indian dish 39- La Scala solo 41- Greek goddess of victory

42- Woody vine 44- Swiss dish 46- Names 47- Acceptable score for a professional golfer 48- Trigonometric function 49- Constitution of a person 53- Beg 57- School founded in 1440 58- Inanimate object 60- Malarial fever 61- Red flower 62- Stallion, e.g.

63- Shipping deduction 64- Printer’s measures 65- Undesirable plant 66- Dutch cheese, wrapped in red wax Down 1- Obstructs 2- Mine entrance 3- American space agency 4- Citadel of Moscow 5- Milk and egg drink 6- Frog sound 7- Uncooked 8- Four Corners state 9- Grumble 10- Supporter 11- Wander

14- Science of winemaking 15- Put away 20- Electrically charged particles 22- Most, briefly 25- Like lungs 26- Musical drama 27- Of Hindu scriptures 28- Similar 29- Short letter 30- Decoration 31- Mindlessly stupid 32- Collection of maps 34- Agitated state 37- Lie 40- Skiing style 42- Bits of thread 43- Do repeatedly 45- Use, consume 46- Tinct 48- Psychics claim to have a sixth one 49- “You are ___” 50- Molecular component 51- Manager 52- Display 54- Mild oath 55- Charisma, atmosphere 56- Abound 59- Wrath

Medium

Hard

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

5 February 2007

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle.

Medium

5 February 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hard

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VOLUME 60

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Catholics Upset By Harry Potter Star’s Lack of Full Frontal Nudity “Stop teasing us,” said stereotypical priest.

I’VE GOT DOOKIE ON MY DICK! FART!!

ISSUE 2

Girlfriend Can’t Pretend To Enjoy Shitty Valentine’s Gift Much Longer

City Terrorized by Flashing Lights!!

Headlines And Other Cartoon Marketing Mishaps

Area Man Undresses You With His Eyes—Slowly

Heh: So what’s that top made out of? Cotton?

Yeah, I was gonna say cotton. It looks so soft.

Homeless Woman Abandons Hope Following American Idol Failure

Dreadful: Simon blames poor performance on song choice/possible crack addiction.

Jamie Foxx Can’t Wait To Taint Oscar Win With Fat-Suit Comedy

Murphy’s Law: We’re just saying: his new one man show is fucking crazy, and it’s only a matter of time before his hubris gets the better of him and he stars alongside 10 versions of Eddie Murphy in some Rick Baker-induced nightmare.

By Avocado Bean Dip

of men to carry the message of sorrow into the streets. Dressed only in black trench coats, the men would jump from behind parked cars or out of dark alleyways and fire novelty pistols his past week, Boston was shaken by to surprise passers by. While the a series of guerilla adpistols simply unfurled a scroll vertisements that frightthat read “We’re Sorry – Warner ened commuters, slowed comBros,” many New Yorkers with merce, and delighted stoners. hearts weakened by tuberculosis The flashing “Mooninite” adsuffered fatal heart attacks. verts for the Aqua Teen Hunger Years later, in an attempt to Force movie sent a shockwave spark the waning popularity of of fear throughout the Boston his Peanuts comic strips, Charles area as city officials scrambled Schultz, who was known as a to remove the harmless magkeen businessman, decided to netic ads from the bridges and capitalize on the tremendous buildings on which they were ratings of the Super Bowl by placed. Many have lambasted staging an elaborate marketing the advertisements as a sensestunt. In 1976, while many busiless hoax, and claimed that they nesses had settled for purchasincited fears of terrorism, but ing 30-second commercial slots producers of the movie claim during Super Bowl X, Schultz that they had simply followed contacted Pittsburg Steelers a traditional method of cartoon Lee Harvey Oswald (above) gets a solid belly laugh, courtesy of the “We’re quarterback Terry Bradshaw advertising.

Sorry - Warner Bros” gun. for a much more lucrative camThe Warner Brothers animated series of cartoons, Looney Toons be- New York City officials forcibly removed the paign. On a second half field-goal attempt, gan the tradition of unorthodox advertising ads when one anvil came crashing to earth, placeholder Bradshaw pulled the ball away in the early 1930s in an attempt to gain the landing squarely on two tuberculosis-rid- from place-kicker Roy Gerela, sending Gerela mindshare of young boys whose preoccupa- den orphans. In Warner Brothers’ defense, through the air. It is said that Gerala screamed tion with The Great Depression (then called the orphans were standing on top of a large, “Aaugh” as he landed on his backside, severely “The Minor Setback”) caused them to either painted X. Then-mayor Fiorello LaGuardia fracturing his tailbone.

The stunt paid off for Schultz, as the be so busy working in dark coal mines to called the accident a “crushing blow to the event’s frequent appearance in Super Bowl support their families, or to be so poor and tuberculosis-ridden populace.”

Warner Brothers, reeling from their tar- blooper reels continues to remind folks of hungry as to be unable to physically watch nished image following the anvil advertise- Lucy’s hilarious antics. To this day, Bradmoving pictures.

The WB studio’s series of advertise- ments attempted to apologize to New York shaw stands by his decision to pull the ball ments featuring popular cartoon characters City citizens. Leon Schlesinger, the eccentric away, though many claim that he has been etched on the sides of enormous iron an- Looney Toons producer insisted on apologiz- cursed to live the rest of his life with Charlie vils hung precariously over busy New York ing to the people personally, and hired a group Brown’s hair.

GRUNION SHOUT ABOUTIST

T

City streets were an immediate success.

Onlookers eagerly gawked at the iron marvels dangling overhead, referring to them fondly as “the great metal testicles of God.”

Viagra Used By Women As New Date Rape Drug

By The Sophisticated Grizzlly Bear GRUNION TRAINEE

A new study conducted by Rape Culture Magazine reports that U.S. women have begun using Viagra as a date-rape drug on thousands of young males. RCM reports that countless women have been taking advantage of men by slipping the boner-inducing pill into their drinks, luring them back to their apartments and subjecting them to a sordid sundry of sexual acts. “The Viagra makes the men dizzyingly horny and, when combined with alcohol, blurs their judgment beyond that of a retarded Doberman who would fuck a mirror if he walked in front of it in just the right way,” said Dr. Vinny Donaldo, Professor of Canines and Sexual Medicine at Columbia University. The report places the age of the average rapist between 35-50, an age which does not account for various transvestite homosexuals or 49er staff writers (whose ages are indeterminate due to the overwhelming amount of scar tissue found on both).

“With the Viagra in them, they can’t help but have sex with me. And I know for sure they’re not gonna get whiskey dick,” said one anonymous 44-year-old woman, tossing

the body of a fully erect young man into a dumpster. “This one was drinking Michelob Ultra, so it was pretty much cake getting him back to my place. It’s the ones drinking Wild Turkey that can be a little harder to handle.

They’re fighters.”

The majority of victims awake the following morning laying haphazardly in a back-alley dumpster or naked in an open field. No matter the circumstances of where they awake, the young men always have hard-ons that last for at least 12 more hours.

When questioned about the night of debauchery, one victim, choking through the tears, told police, “I tried everything: thinking about putting my balls in a snowman’s mouth, seeing Rent with my mom…but then I just flat out opened my eyes and looked at what was on top of me.

That’s when I passed out.”

It is said that roughly two-thirds of Viagra-induced “rapes” go unreported due to the indecisiveness of the victim on whether or not the sex was, in fact, unwanted. The remaining one-third of the men who have reported the crimes have later been seen wandering the streets wearing Chanel sunglasses and carrying Bichons.

48 African-Americans, Coach Win Super Bowl XLI

By Father McKenzie GRUNION CHAPPY

An historic Super Bowl took place last Sunday, the conclusion of which saw 48 African-Americans winning the Super Bowl, as well as one black coach. There was also a white quarterback, kicker, two offensive lineman and one linebacker. This achievement represents a huge step forward for all African-Americans, as well as the city they represent, and the quarterback of the winning team. It is said that the entire team will be traveling together to Disney World to celebrate the victory, before beginning the difficult task of rebuilding for next season. Though he could not be reached for comment, it is to be assumed that Jesse Jackson is pleased, and that Bill Cosby is happy, but probably also a bit cranky.

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And, like that man that died on the cross, we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Morph!