[Issue 60.6] The Road to Wellness: A Prediction Letter from the Editor
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ongratulations, Long Beach, you are now the proud owners of a state-of-the-art recreation and wellness center, to be opened in the Fall of 2010. With an absolutely overwhelming seventy-five percent of the votes in favor of constructing the 125,000 square foot behemoth, the students of 2007 stood up and said that they are ready for positive change – no matter the cost. And so it begins; the long, three-year road to the grand opening. Since there is little else to talk about on this campus, I can confidently predict that the next three years of news coverage at CSULB will revolve around the construction of, and the various controversies surrounding, the student recreation and wellness center. Fall 2007: Initial sketches are drawn for the rec center, giving students the first look at the new facility, but are met with skepticism. In an attempt to capture the architectural patterns of CSULB, the firm hired to do the sketches decide that an inverted pyramid would be the best shape for the building. 98% of students polled find the inverted pyramid shape both boring and outdated, while the remaining 2% of students continue to put out a daily newspaper. Early Summer 2008: The student body approves the final architectural plans after numerous renderings and changes, and ground is finally broken. With photographers, reporters, alumni, and administration looking on, President F. King Alexander’s shovel hits a foreign object during the groundbreaking ceremony. Further digging finds numerous bodies buried directly under the construction site. This prompts rampant speculation of a second Indian burial ground located on the CSULB campus. Construction is halted and DNA tests are ordered. Late Summer 2008: Construction begins as the DNA tests come back negative. The tests reveal that the bodies belong to a forgotten 19th century cemetery, but since none of the bodies are of Native American origin, there is little opposition to exhuming the site.
Spring 2009: Construction is ahead of schedule, but the parking crunch begins to take its toll as neighboring neighborhoods begin to outlaw student parking in their streets, forcing students to get to school earlier and earlier to find parking. The situation becomes so dire that on-campus residency booms with small shantytowns popping up all around campus, filled with unshowered students desperate to attend class. The unwashed masses develop a system of barter before converting their currency to party fliers. The ubiquitous Glam and Sachi fliers continue to be worthless. Winter 2009-2010: With the rec center nearly completed, heavy Southern California rains force the construction crew to halt. The harsh winter storm dumps a half-inch of rain on Long Beach, causing massive flooding across campus, forcing students to skip class, and generally making most things slightly damp. The construction crew refuses to return to work until conditions improve. The Grunion comments that the storm is like the long-forgotten Hurricane Katrina, and the construction crew must have been hired by FEMA. 95% of the campus “doesn’t get the joke.” Early Fall 2010: After much deliberation, administrators settle on the name “Student Athletic Center” as the official name of the student recreation and wellness center, beating out the the blatantly obvious “The California State University, Long Beach Student Recreation and Wellness Center.” Or CSULBSRWC for short. Late Fall 2010: Much to the shock of everyone on campus, the doors of the Student Athletic Center open on time. But before initial ventilation problems can be addressed, the building quickly earns the nickname of the “Sweaty SAC,” instantly dooming any hope that the center would positively increase the reputation of CSULB. There you go Long Beach, that’s what you have to look forward to.
–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
By Katie Wynne
Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
This is the Zodiac speaking. I am the person who made your car run like crap last week. To prove that I did this I shall state a fact that only the tow truck driver and I know: The problem was the fuel injector. This week’s bad day will be the day you say “Hi” to me on the street, not knowing who I am.
Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)
This is the Zodiac speaking. This week I will be watching you as you walk to and from class. I will see you consider getting a sausage sandwich, but then opt for a smoothie instead. My knife will be drawn, but no one will see it. Your bad day will be the day you sit next to me in class and make fun of my new Keds.
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)
I am the murderer of the two kids that died from natural causes last week. The cops thought it was asthma, but it was me. I made them have trouble breathing. This week you will try to be a hero, but you will never catch me because I am too clever. Your bad day will be when you break my code and discover that you are a homosexual man.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
From one psychotic killer to another, I feel it necessary to tell you that your method of scheduling study groups with the girls you want to kill is very outdated. In the future it would be better to avoid being seen with your victims prior to their disappearance. That is what we call fundamentals.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
This is the Zodiac speaking. Your word of the week is DISMEMBERMENT. Your lucky color is invisible. Your song is “Somebody’s Watching Me.” Your good day will be the day I am caught by the pigs, but unfortunately for you, that day will never come.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Leo, it’s me, the Zodiac killer. Listen, I have been listening to a lot of Patsy Cline lately and I think I
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Moon Editor
Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor
byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com
Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Christine Hodinh Copy Editors Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design
Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
This week you are safe. You are the only one that will survive the kitchen fire. Consider yourself lucky, for now. –the Zodiac
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
This is the Zodiac speaking. Decipher this code and you will find your horoscope: dyioeu dyioeu dyioeu dyioeu dyioeu dyioeu dyioeu
Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)
Last week wasn’t a very good one. I have been there too. Have you ever considered a change in career? Might I suggest serial butcher? I am able to point out several key spots to loom in, and I will even let you borrow the gun I used to shoot your goldfish.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
This is the Zodiac speaking. This is the Zodiac reading. You are the Zodiac. You are confused. You are a murderer. This is the end of the line. They are onto you. Go to class. You will be the Zodiac and truant in three minutes.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
ryan@lbunion.com
fiddler@lbunion.com
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)
This week will be a week of confessions. Hi there, this is the Zodiac speaking. Around Wednesday you will feel the need to purge yourself of all of the bad deeds you have done so far this month. That is because you are a weak-willed animal. You would be so easy to kill, like a wounded squirrel fallen from a tree. This week try to stay out of trees.
katie@lbunion.com
erin@lbunion.com
Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
jeff@lbunion.com mikeg@lbunion.com
ryan@lbunion.com
have been wrong all along. Hunting people is not the greatest game, it is a terrible crime, and I am sorry. Now, please look over your shoulder and enjoy this knife in your eyeball. Zodiac here. This week you will go to class and live your life like normal. The only difference will be Thursday. I will tell you this: it will involve a taxi, a bull, and boiling hot spaghetti sauce. But, if I were you I would focus more on the quiz in biology.
brian@lbunion.com
beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com
sales@lbunion.com
Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, James Kislingbury, Derek Crossley, Darren Davis, Jimmy Dinh, Drew Evans, Steven Carey, David Faulk, Christopher Troutman, Cynthia Romanowski, Patricia Alonzo, Alan Passman, Jennifer Schwartz, Anna Mavromati, Matthew Blanchett, Jason Oppliger, Jared Kenelm Collins, Jacquelyn Day, Christine Casillas, Erin Snow
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web
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5 March 2007
News
Students Talk About Rec, Like The Idea After years of talks, different proposals, and misleading information, CSULB finally gets it right by passing the Rec referendum.
By Ryan Kobane News Director
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ast week, students were given the opportunity to decide the worth of their degrees. Students were asked to voice their opinion on whether or not a student recreation and wellness center would truly benefit our campus, and ultimately, how other universities view CSULB. And in an overwhelming support for the progression of this campus, over 75% of the close to 3,000 students were in favor of the referendum; passing it by a landslide. Posters, banners, and pamphlets were strewn all over campus for the better part of this semester. The slogan read, “Let’s talk about rec,” and most certainly left you singing that horribly catchy Color Me Bad song from way back when; you know the one I’m talking about. For the first time some students really felt they were given all of the information they needed to make an educated decision on the rec vote. “There was definitely a lot of information out there,” said Josh Fisher, graphic design major, 28. Breaking ground in July 2009, the Recreation and Wellness Center will be massive; around 125,000 square feet of fun to be exact. Ever wanted to climb a rock wall? Well only three years from now, you will be able to. Ever felt like there wasn’t enough open gym time
Campus Calen d a r
Week of Mar. 5
for all students? Well in three years there will be hours upon hours of time to perfect your dribbling skills and half-court buzzer beaters. And if that hasn’t sparked your interest in the idea of Rec, then just think about this; all the badminton a person could ever play; boom goes the shuttlecock. “The students’ huge support for the proposed Rec/Wellness Center is a godsend for future and current students,” said Guido D’Onofrio ASI Senator.
The Beach Laps Up Jewlicious CSULB’s third annual Jewlicious festival celebrates judaism with 3 days of music, food, and Shabbat.
Mon.
By Alan Passman
Multiple Personalities Day
In 2005, the first ever Beach Hillel-sponsored Jewlicious weekend drew over a hundred people. Jewlicious 2.0 doubled in size, with 350 people and over 40 campuses represented, as well as Grammy Nominee Matisyahu dropping by. This year’s event is expected to draw an even larger crowd. Jewlicious 3.0 will be the largest youth gathering of contemporary Jewish culture and identity. It will be held in Long Beach, CA on March 9th-11th at the Alpert Jewish Community Center. Jewlicious brings students together for 60 hours of music, food and fun that includes a concert series, fashion show, speakers from around the globe and special guests. The current music line-up includes Golem, Rav Schmuel, Missflag, The Makkabees, My Second Surprise, Shankbone, DJ Eric Rosen and several others. “Jewlicious is this crazy-amazing weekend spent with Jewish, young adults. Celebrating the weekend with Shabbat, music, food, and love. Its a big hit!” says Lisa Blumberg, Student Cochair of the Jewlicious Festival Committee.
5 p.m. - 2 p.m.
Wed.
Men’s Basketball Big West Tournament @ Irvine Convention Center National Crown Roast of Pork Day Hopefully only at dinner time
Sat/Sun CSULB Pow Wow California State University, Long Beach’s annual Pow Wow, an American Indian social celebration, returns to the campus’ central quad on Saturday and Sunday, March 10-11, 2007. The largest spring event of its kind in Southern California.
“Hopefully, future students will petition for implementation of some innovative services that will set CSULB’s rec center apart from the others! I’d like to see something creative like indoor skydiving or paintball offered to really put our rec center on the map.” While it is true that many of the students who chose to vote for the referendum will never be able to use the facilities, it didn’t stop current students from seeing the benefits a state of the art rec center will bring to our school. “The university should meet international standards,” said Linn Naung Zaw, biology major. “I looked at the other universities in other countries and they all have rec centers. The rec center will attract international students to CSULB.” The recreation and wellness center will not just be a place for students to work out or play sports, it will be a new place on campus for students to congregate, and hopefully continue to due away with the stigma we have attained as a commuter school. With nearly 3,000 CSULB students coming to the polls on Tuesday and Wednesday of last week, it was easy to see why University Student’s Union Board of Trustee Vice Chair Montery Powell was excited to hear the results. “The Student’s voice was heard,” said Powell. “In the end, all that matters is that students had the opportunity to have a voice in the future of the university.” Additional reporting by Marc Bockman and Anna Mavromati.
Contributor
Major themes and topics that will be addressed during the conference will range from Israel to Darfur, social action, the roles Jews play in Hollywood, and the emergence of young Jewish publications. “Young Jews want to drop divisions in the Jewish world and seek unity, spirituality, and new ways to celebrate their identity.” says Jewlicious Festival Director Rabbi Yonah Bookstein. “This is more than just a conference, it’s a Jewish unity event unlike you’ve never seen…unless you’ve already been to one of our conferences.”
Jewlicious is this crazy-amazing weekend spent with Jewish, young adults. Celebrating the weekend with Shabbat, music, food, and love. It’s a big hit.
-Lisa Blumber On-site accommodations and at nearby hotels are being made available. Tickets for all 3 days are $36 for full-time students, $54 for adults (26 and under) and $72 for adults (27 and older). For an updated list of speakers/performers, ticket information, and news regarding the conference please www.visitjewliciousfestival.com. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Mon. 5th Tues. 6th Wed. 7th Thur. 8th
Fri. 9th
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should By Chris Barrett Union Staffer
Deadliest Kite Festival in Years Kills 11 Last week’s annual kite festival in eastern Pakistan has resulted in the deaths of at least eleven people. The longstanding practice of using wire for a kite string or coating a kite’s string in ground glass to damage others’ kites and to cut others’ kite strings led to the deaths of two children when kite strings cut their throats. Another tradition, that of firing guns into the air in celebration, claimed the lives of five when they were struck by stray bullets. Two more died from being electrocuted while attempting to untangle kites from overhead power lines. A boy died when he fell from a roof while chasing after a kite, and a mother also fell to her death attempting to stop her child from chasing a kite on a roof. There were also over 100 injuries, over 700 arrests made, and over 280 illegally held weapons confiscated at the event. All this occurred over a two-day period during which a Pakistani kite-flying ban was lifted because the Punjab government promised to take safety measures. The kite-flying ban in Pakistan was originally instituted in 2005 after nine deaths occurred at 2004’s kite festival. This is all true. No Joke.
“Hey Mom Can I Get Some Honey For My Tea?” Sorry Timmy, All of The Bees Are Dead Now, and Dad Lost His Job at The Farm Today. So You’re Just Going to Have to Use Regular Sugar From Now On Bees are disappearing. Lots of them. Like, all over the world. It sucks. In some areas wild populations are almost completely missing and now domestic hives are being affected. Similar has happened in the past with parasite outbreaks, but never as alarming as now because hives are mysteriously going from active and healthy to completely empty within a matter of days, without even a dead bee left behind. This news has resulted in elated cheers from many who are afraid of bees, but a bee extinction will be as much of a catastrophe as bee-haters are little bitches. Bees remain the only efficient way for many plants to pollinate, including many of the crops we live off of. If bees go extinct then so will many species of plant and a large amount of the food we eat will never be available again or become extremely expensive.
Your Weekend
Hi 69° Lo 51° Hi 68° Lo 52° Hi 66° Lo 53° Hi 70° Lo 51° Hi 71° Lo 52° Hi 65° Lo 46° A Weekend of Commerce Partly Cloudy Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny 5 March 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Opinions
God Hates Fags: An Open Letter to The Christian Right By Jeff Gould
The Lost Art of Not Being an Asshole By Derek Crossley Union Staffer I was sitting outside of the coffee shop where I spend the majority of my day, toying with my keyboard, putting words down on electronic paper, when two kids rolled up (quite literally) on skateboards. They sat down silently beside me and took out their Sidekicks. Sidekicks are by far the second greatest sin our generation has had to endure, coming in right behind blazers with jeans. Their phones began to buzz and vibrate, one even chirped like a cricket, and they responded with fingers flying over their Oompa Loompa-sized keyboards. They sat next to me for half an hour, sending messages through the air, communicating in the most pedestrian and mundane way possible. No sounds emanated from their mouths, their lips didn’t budge; all I heard was the electronic squawks and honks coming from their hands. I say fuck that, I say throw your cellphone into the ocean. Open your mouth and have a conversation, give your tongue a workout. Take the headphones off and live a little. All day I see people hiding behind technology, using it as a front to either look cool or carry on three hour text conversations about where the party is tonight. I’d rather send smoke signals, something, anything, with a human touch, a little personality. The best times I have are talking to people I don’t know. Random people I meet on the street, at a store, in front of the coffee shop, at bars and clubs. I’ve met bank robbers, bums, millionaires, war heroes, cowards, rapists, artists, and the most annoying hippy I’ve ever met, banging away spastically on his bongos, telling me his life story. I’ve been taken around the world with their stories, their ideology. I’ve been hit on by underage girls and men in their fifties. But no matter who they are or what they have to say, I get something out of it, a story to tell, a few minutes of life, a breath of fresh air. It’s something I never get from TV or seeing the new Hollywood blockbuster, because these people are real, not made up in some office somewhere, formed to emote sympathy from their target demographic. So don’t be an asshole, turn off your iPod, don’t answer your phone, get out and talk, smile, nod your head as you pass someone. Because when I’m gone, I want to look back and see more than a phone bill. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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Managing Editor
ey, wait a minute: who are you to say who God hates or doesn’t hate? I’m pretty sure that whom God hates should be left up to God to decide. Don’t you? Oh, it says in the Bible that he hates fags?… Let me just look there for myself…Okay, well, according to Proverbs 6:16, “There are six things that the Lord hates…haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.” Hmm, that’s odd; I didn’t see fags anywhere on that list. What is it that you mean by fags anyway? Since you are the Christian Right I’m sure you don’t mean fags the way the Brits do when they are hoping to bum a cigarette. You probably don’t even like the British, huh? Damn Anglicans. Don’t worry, I’m right there with you, they’re way too liberal, with all of their government-sponsored health care and acceptance of different cultures. So you probably mean homosexuals when you say fags, huh? I can only assume this because you commonly use the word sodomites when referring to people God hates as well. Okay, so let’s go with sodomites for a bit: The American Heritage Dictionary defines sodomy as: 1. Any of various forms of sexual intercourse held to be unnatural or abnormal, especially anal intercourse or bestiality, while dictionary.com defines sodomy as: 1. anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex. It doesn’t seem to say anything about homosexuals. In fact, dictionary.com actually specifies that sodomy occurs between opposite sex partners, and that even getting a nice wholesome beej’ is considered sodomy. Great, so god hates 98% of people at CSULB…and people who have sex with goats… I agree with the last part, goat sex is totally not cool, but come on, does God really hate everyone on the receiving end of a blowjob? Doubtful. I’m sure God’s more of a bro than that, he’d probably give me a high five if it wouldn’t shatter my hand (you know…because he’s all-powerful and junk). Oh, okay, you want me to look at Leviticus 18:22, alright, well why don’t I just read all of Leviticus 18, I’m sure that will give me some good context as to why God hates fags… right? (Here’s my abridged version, but
Illustration By Andrew Wilson
you should probably look it up yourself if you don’t believe me) Alright… God tells Moses to tell everyone to obey him… “No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations” (Lev 18:6) alright, that’s good, no incest… right there with ya… don’t fuck your mom, don’t fuck your step mom, don’t fuck your sister, don’t fuck your grandchildren, don’t fuck your aunt (mom or dad’s side), don’t fuck your uncle’s wife, don’t fuck your daughter-inlaw, don’t fuck your sister-in-law, don’t fuck your wife’s sister while your wife is still alive, don’t fuck a chick on her rag, don’t fuck your neighbor’s wife, don’t sacrifice your children to Molech (Lev 18:7-21)…and finally “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” (Lev 18:22) It then goes right back into not having sex with animals…that hardly seems like hate. God seems more concerned with not making incest babies, and not killing your children for the sake of that Molech character than he is with dudes doing it with each other. It almost seems like he just thinks it’s a little gross (that’s what detestable means…right?). I think I might agree with him there. As a heterosexual male I think dudes doing it with each other is kind of gross; we’re a misshapen and overly hairy gender… I don’t even understand why women have sex with us, really… But that doesn’t mean I hate homosexuals, some of my best
drinking buddies have been gay guys...they make great wingmen (they lure the ladies in with talk of Project Runway and The Hills, and then I move in for the kill!) So to be completely serious for a moment, stop it already with the “God hates fags!” talk. Seriously, do you think you are converting people to Christianity by telling them who you think God hates? No. I was raised as a Southern Baptist, and in all of my study of the Bible I haven’t come across much talk of God hating anything but sin, all of which he hates equally (so, he supposedly hates pride and hate-mongering just as murder and rape), and Satan. In fact, one of the major selling-points of God is his infinite and divine grace. For the uninformed, God’s grace consists of his unquestioning love and unlimited forgiveness for all of his creation (whether you believe in God or not, that’s a pretty cool concept: to think that there’s a being that loves you no matter what you do). But, you know what? If you really feel like overtly hating people, whose sins are no worse than your own in the eyes of the only guy who’s opinion really matters, just because you don’t understand it and it kind of creeps you out, go right ahead...You will only drive people away from Christianity, as you have driven me away, and the world just might be better for it. Questions? Comments? Jeff Gould can be reached at: jeff@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Scarf’s European Travel Guide: Bruges, Belgium I have been spending this school year studying abroad in Germany, and as foreign correspondent for the Union Weekly, I figured it might be interesting to give a glimpse of some less-likely destinations for the backpacker—places I visited while traveling through Europe. I got off to a bad start by exiting the wrong side of the train station, but after a few miles of walking I was rewarded with a beautifully preserved medieval city. To enter the city, I had to go through the old gates and over the river that surrounds a town known as the Venice of the North. My first goal of the evening was to drink some Belgian beer. Did you know that you can go a year in Belgium and never drink the same beer twice? Well it’s true, and the Bruges Biertje serves over 300 different sorts. The next day, I took a surprisingly interesting tour of the Halve Maand brewery and learned all about how the delicious golden brew is made and like any good beer tour, it ended with a free glass of their private lager. No trip to Bruges is complete without scaling the Belfry in the center of town to see the entire city panorama; it was like taking a step back in time. For the rest of the day, I wandered around the small side streets through the old neighborhood. And by old, I mean sometimes more than 500 years old.
-Michaël “Scarf” Veremans
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5 March 2007
[Opinions]
A Devalued Diploma By Guido D’Onofrio
L
Special to the Union
ast Wednesday, my weekly Cyberspace Citizenship course delivered more than enough entertainment to make attendance a pleasure. After collecting the course’s first paper assignment, the professor read the first sentence of every student’s paper, exposing blatant grammatical errors and, in the process, embarrassing several classmates. In this stunning demonstration of student carelessness and lack of writing proficiency in an upperdivision course, all but five or so papers had blatant grammatical errors or careless flaws in the first sentence. One may assume that the errors my professor exposed were merely the careless oversights of busy students. However, a campus-wide epidemic of poor writing skills among students becomes apparent when one considers September 2006’s eighteen percent fail rate for CSULB students who attempted the laughably easy Writing Proficiency Exam. And for a more vivid illustration of our university’s sad state of student writing, one has
only to pore over the university’s Daily 49er to behold the unrivaled eloquence of those dedicated journalism majors who wish to make a career of—what again? One may rationalize forgiving poor writing skills among art or mathematics majors but what excuse have journalism majors for ineptness in a practice they wish to make their careers, and what excuse have their professors for not raising the bar of expectations? Unfortunately, our university’s low expectations harm students and stifle improvement by allowing students with substandard writing skills to pass upper-division courses and eventually graduate with a false sense of confidence. It is disheartening to know that unfortunate CSULB graduates will enter their careers with a ticking time bomb ready explode with the revelation that they are hopelessly unequipped to communicate on paper. I am horrified by the fact that the value of my future diploma (and that of every serious CSULB student) is diminished with every passing grade issued to students who lack the ability to compose legible essays and the discipline to proof-read their work before submitting it.
The Betrayal of Organics By Erin Shaw Contributor I recently read a Lip Magazine article that confirmed what I had always suspected but chose to ignore about organic foods. According to the author, certified organic foods are not necessarily organic. Buying organics does not necessarily support small farms or cause less damage to the environment. The animals are not necessarily treated any better on organic farms than on conventional farms, and neither are the workers. And to top it off, organic food isn’t always better for you. Most of the problems with organic foods come down to lax USDA standards and the fact that organic farming is not a philosophy as much as it is a marketing niche. Disillusioned consumers like me demonstrate that they’re willing to pay more money for certified organic products than conventionally farmed ones, however the
Random Rants
On Silencing Cell Phones: The purpose of a cell phone is to be able to contact some one when you need something. Why is it, that when I try to call someone and they don’t answer, they reply with, “Oh, I forgot I had it on silent.” What the fuck? You’re negating the only reason you have the phone. Sure, you were in class and shut it off so you wouldn’t disrupt the class. Did you forget that your class ended two hours ago! How many phone calls do you miss a day having that thing on silent? Have it on vibrate at least!
-Jacquelyn Day
On His Roommate’s Appendix: Fourteen days ago my roommate’s appendix ruptured, and although he didn’t realize until a week later when his body went into shock and he had to be rushed to the emergency room for surgery and was bedridden in the hospital for five days, pumped full of morphine with a tube sticking out of his intestine to drain the scar fluid, all I can think about is how amazing my Halloween costume is going to be this year when I dress up as his former organ with a belt of dynamite strapped around my waist.
-Darren Davis
cards are stacked against the genuine small organic farmer when almost all competition is supported by parent companies like General Mills and Con Agra. The insidious takeover of the organic market by companies that some shoppers would not knowingly support (like Phillip Morris, Halliburton, and Monsanto) is a symptom of conglomerates in general cornering small business out of the picture. The question is what to do about it. It seems as though becoming a hunter-gatherer is the only way out...until I remember that I live in the city. The solution, I’m told, is to buy locally or grow my own food. I can buy a lot of things at the local farmer’s market, but starting a little farm is hardly an option for an apartment renter, and local markets can’t supply everything. In the meantime, I wait for agribusiness to come to its senses and make organic farming the norm. After all, everything was grown organically until the mid 20th century, and clean healthy food is a right, not a privilege.
On People’s Generosity: I hate when people take it upon themselves to make a decision that will ultimately give me great joy. Case in point: the recreation center. Many of the students who voted on the referendum will not even be students at CSULB when the rec center is completed. Why should they care? It’s not like they’ll have a chance to play on one of our new courts, swim in the pools, work out in the fitness and weight rooms; nor will they benefit from a cent of the money going to intramural sports. So really, do not keep my interests in mind. You reek of common sense and sanity, and I hate you for it. And the money! I think they should donate into a fund that will ease the burden of that an extra $110 fee per semester will create, or else I might have to curb my daily intake of fuckwad pills to save some money.
-Vincent Girimonte Upset About Something? Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students who may or may not give a shit). Send your one hundred-word rants to: erin@ lbunion.com and see ‘em in print.
QUIZNO’S (on campus)
Now Hiring! Quizno’s in the University Dining Plaza is now
Under New Ownership & Management (as of 2.22.07)
Looking for
Hard-Working Applicants
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Sports
Get On Da Bus!
Men’s Basketball Game This Week For Friday’s Semifinal game a bus will be provided by Beach Pride and ASI. For more information and to sign up, go to the Beach Pride Center located on the first floor of the Student Union
It’s Tournament Week, A Senior’s Time To Shine By Ryan ZumMallen BeachBall Guru
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hen our nine seniors lined up on the court, proud families by their sides, at halftime during last Thursday’s Senior Night, holding framed jerseys and thanking the fans that have so much to thank them for, two thoughts entered my mind. One: Man, it has been so much fun watching these guys. Two: Man, what the hell are we going to do next year? The bad thing about collegiate eligibility is that (duh) it eventually runs out, and so it soon will a month from now for more than half of our men’s basketball team. We’ll lose the heart and soul of our program. We’ll lose a stellar assembly of individual talent that in two short years has blossomed into one cohesive, championship-caliber unit. Ahh, but the beauty of college basketball is that the bell does not toll until you allow. You can stretch your playing days for weeks, and these seniors have put themselves in great position to do so. And if that were to happen, to put CSULB on college basketball’s national map. They’re a mature, intelligent squad that averages a relatively
geezerly twenty-two years in the starting lineup. Much older than the powerhouse programs that double as both NBA-factories and daycare centers. A squad that rolled through the Big West, earning the #1 seed in this weekend’s conference tournament and the luxury of automatically advancing to Friday’s semifinal round. A squad that’s only scratched the surface. The legacy of the traditional college basketball senior is a treasured, time-honored symbol of purity that has evolved into an anomaly in recent years. Potential draft picks sometimes don’t stick around through their freshman year Spring semester, let alone exhaust four years of eligibility. There’s an aura about teams stocked with seniors. Confidence. Poise. Focus. The feeling that no matter how badly we’re playing or the extent of our deficit, the power of The Senior assures us. We shout their praises, partly because of their talent and on court ability. Mostly, though, because they’ve put in the same time that we have. They’re not ballplayers who go to school at CSULB. They’re CSULB students who play ball. They’ll be missed. But they ain’t done yet. Not by a long shot.
Photos By Ryan Kobane
Just in case you were wondering, this is how we think the weekend will look. Wednesday, March 7
Thursday, March 8
Friday, March 9
#5 UC Irvine
#4 UCSB
#1 Long Beach
6:00 p.m.
6:00 p.m.
6:30 p.m.
#8 UCR
#5 UC Irvine
#7 Pacific
#6 CSUN
#3 Fullerton
#2 Cal Poly
8:30 p.m.
8:30 p.m.
9:00 p.m.
#7 Pacific
#7 Pacific
#4 UCSB
Saturday, March 10 Knock On Wood
8:00 p.m. ESPN2
Knock On Wood
#2 Cal Poly
High Quality Men’s Volleyball Invades ‘Myd, Gold Mine By JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Last year in the Mountain Pacific Sports Federation Conference Championship held at UC Irvine, a senior-laden Long Beach State men’s volleyball team knocked off the top ranked Anteaters in the semifinals. The 3-0 victory ended Irvine’s 21-match win streak. In the following night’s Championship game, the 49ers fell to UCLA, 3-1. In the ‘Myd last Wednesday and the Gold Mine on Saturday, all the tables were turned. Redshirt freshman Dean Bittner posted a career-high 21 kills to help the ‘Niners come back from a 2-1 deficit and defeat UCLA in a five game thriller, avenging last year’s loss, 30-23, 24-30, 26-30, 30-23, 16-14. It seemed Irvine had revenge on their mind as well on Saturday as the ‘Eaters blew a 2-1 lead, but held off Long Beach in the fifth game for a 3-2 win, 23-30, 30-19, 30-25, 2830, 15-12. “I told [the team] we had a good week,” said Long Beach head coach Alan Knipe. “We stayed physical… this team is starting to gel.” This team, dominated by freshmen and
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first time starters, is still trying to find its game. “We are getting better,” said senior leader Paul Lotman, who collected his third doubledouble of the year on Wednesday with 17 kills and 10 digs, and led the ‘Niners with 16 kills on Saturday. “It’s not just the seniors or the young guys, it’s everybody.” “Coming in to [Wednesday’s] match we weren’t concerned about UCLA, but we were concerned with us and how we played on our side of the net,” said Knipe. “We tried new guys tonight which we’ve been doing a lot this season and it looked good.” Along with Bittner’s 21 kills and Lotman’s double-double, senior Teddy Liles banged home 14 kills to go along with a .632 hit percentage, and redshirt freshman Dan Alexander added eight kills.
UCLA hit an impressive .559 in game three to take the 2-1 game lead, but in the fourth game Long Beach came out strong and went up 10-2 after a Lotman kill. The Bruins got within five points, 2722, but a Liles kill ended the set. In the fifth game, which had 13 tie scores, Lotman put away two consecutive kills to ice the victory, 16-14. Coming into Saturday’s game in the Gold Mine, the ‘Niners had an aggressive game plan which lead to 17 service aces. “[Irvine] is a real good team and we knew we had to get them out of their offense,” said Knipe. “We stayed real aggressive with our serves.” The Beach’s service game was a barometer for the match. After suffering through seven service errors in game three, which
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Irvine took 30-25, Long Beach came back with six aces in game four to force a fifth game, 30-28. The match was chalk full of fantastic play on both sides. Irvine senior Matt Weber posted a game-high 20 kills while Long Beach senior Tyler Caldwell wowed the crowd with some fantastic hustle on one point when he had three diving digs, one on each side of the court. “Tyler played defensive back in high school,” said Knipe after the game. “Those digs were more about hustle and will than good technique.” It’s that hustle and will which the ‘Niners need to bring with them to each match. They proved to themselves, against two great volleyball programs, that they have gotten better and their potential looks limitless. “The seniors are leading by example and not just by talking,” said Knipe. “And we are halfway through the season… the freshman’s eyes aren’t quite as big now.” After a short hiatus, the men will be back in the ‘Myd on Friday, March 16 for the Active Ankle Classic.
5 March 2007
Monday5
Disagreement! At The Disco
Blue Skies for Black Hearts at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $7 Metal Skool at the Key Club – 8.30pm $15 Christina Aguilera at the Pond of Anaheim – 7.30pm $52-93
Tuesday6 Kittie at the HOB Anaheim – 6.30pm $17 Albert Hammond, Jr. at the El Rey – 9pm $17.50 Sam Phillips at Spaceland – 8.30pm $15 Christina Aguilera at the Staples Center – 7.30pm $55-95 Lola Ray at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10
Wednesday7 Sick Puppies at the Troubadour – 8pm $10 Skaandangolandia XX at JC Fandango - 8pm $10 Queensryche at the Key Club – 8pm $20 Bright Eyes at the El Rey – 9pm $24 The Young Knives at Spaceland – 8.30pm $8 Zoe at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $15 Deadbeat Sinatra at the Knitting Factory – 8.30pm $8
Thursday8 Jetliner at the Roxy – 8pm $9 Royal Houser at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $7 Bright Eyes at the El Rey – 9pm $24 Ladyhawk at Spaceland – 9pm $8 Kenny Loggins at the Troubadour – 7pm $35 Gene Loves Jezebel at Velvet Jones – 8pm $12 Groovaloo at the Luckman Fine Arts Complex – 8pm $30
Friday9 The Detours at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 The Prom Kings at the Key Club – 7pm $12 Olympia at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Sebadoh at the Troubadour – 8pm $15 Razorlight at the El Rey – 9pm $15 The Donnas at the Henry Fonda – 9pm $10.67 Metal Skool at the Key Club – 9pm $15 Groovaloo at the Luckman Fine Arts Complex – 8pm $35 Persephone’s Bees at Velvet Jones – 8pm $12 Super Diamond at the HOB Anaheim – 8pm $22.50 Loverboy at the Canyon Club – 9pm $10-25
Saturday10 Anberlin at the Glass House – 6.30pm $15 Comes with the Fall at the Whisky – 7pm $10 Do Make Say Think at the Troubadour – 8pm $15 My Chemical Romance at the Forum – 8pm $27.75 Black Fiction at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $6 Sebadoh at Spaceland – 8.30pm $15 Cattle Decapitation at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 INXS at the Key Club Morongo – 7pm $65 Little Richard at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $43 B Side Players at the Roxy – 8pm $14 Big Bad Voodoo Daddy at Cal State Northridge – 8pm $60
Sunday11 Behind Enemy Lines at the Showcase – 2pm $10 The Exploited at the HOB Anaheim – 6pm $18.50 Do Make Say Think at the Glass House – 7pm $12 Hellogoodbye at Biola University – 7pm $15 Internal Affairs at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 Australian Music Collective at the Troubadour – 7.30pm $10 The Mountain Goats at the El Rey – 9pm $16
5 March 2007
We Play Devil’s (and Disco’s) Advocate
B
efore you roll your eyes, call this band a bunch of pussies and turn the page, take the time to read this. I’m going to help this band out by giving you some thoughts on their album, their live show that I attended, and how the public views them wrongly. Panic! At the Disco had their first hit album A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out, which has instruments ranging from the regular guitar and drums to accordions, synthesizers and vaudevillian piano! How many other bands use such a variety? Another reason I love them is because instead of a slow, drawn-out song, they have quick bursts of song that energize you. Their music makes you want to get up and start moving. For example, I can’t sit still during “Camisado” and “Time to Dance.” When they started their band a couple years ago, yeah, they sucked; I saw footage of a gig they did. Yet, I saw them in early December of ‘06 when Cobra Starship and Jack’s Mannequin opened for them. I should also add that while in the pit, people were getting sick all around me. Some chick was trying to get out and ended up puking ALL over me. My left side was covered and it smelled funky. But I stayed because they were THAT good. They sang their songs so vivaciously and energetically. They also had Burlesque dancers, which was different and oh-so-interesting. The dancers were especially cool when “I Write Sins, Not Tragedies” came on. A bride and groom were on stilts and as they got into the main part of the song, the other dancers kept walking out from underneath the bride’s dress. It was amazing. This band IS NOT only for the emo crowd. Their songs aren’t about the regular emo concepts like how sad the world is or how heartbreak makes you want to slit your wrists. That’s lame. Panic! At the Disco is all about making you get-up-and-go. If their fan base is so huge and their album is selling so great and their concerts are sold out, then they can’t be as crappy as you think they are. Give them a chance and listen to their songs that aren’t on the radio. You just might like what you hear. -By Jacquelyn Day
K-Os
Atlantis: Hymns For Disco
Universal/Motown Records Reviewed By Matthew Blanchette
When K-Os steps to the microphone, music aficionados can rest assured that “it’s about to go down,” as intimated by the first phrase that kicks off Atlantis: Hymns for Disco. There are perhaps no words better suited to prepare the listener for what K-Os has in store. Atlantis is a product of Kheaven Brereton’s maturation. For anyone familiar with K-Os’ 2003 debut Exit or his near double platinum Joyful Rebellion, they know that this Canadian native incorporates many musical influences into his craft. Atlantis:
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
I
was unaware that Panic! had such a beef with the word “Emo.” To be honest, I have never considered them to be the slightest bit emo, but I still think of emo in its original connotation (i.e. positively). Emo used to imply that a band played as hard as they fucking could, making a whirlwind of music, sweat, and destruction before leaving the stage completely exhausted. It wasn’t glamorous or cool, and it had very little in the way of catchiness; but it was brutally honest. And that, as far as I can tell, is the antithesis of Panic! At the Disco. This isn’t to say that I hate these guys or their music. Hatred would imply that I cringe upon the mention of their name and secretly plot to disrupt their every move. I can’t really muster much of any particular feeling when I think of this group or any of their music. They just aren’t worth it. As far as I can tell, the only remarkable aspect of Panic! is their carefully-managed image. If you look at the picture above, you’ll clearly see that they’re all wearing eye-shadow, and 3 of them have poofy shirts on as well. You’d be hard-pressed to find a picture of these guys in t-shirts and jeans. So even though their music is a fairly straightforward pop collection of hooks and high notes, it’s their appearance and aesthetic that has captivated their fans. I have trouble imagining these guys as anything more than a clever novelty predicated on an adroit understanding of what looks hip (at least for now). Now, if David Bowie has taught us anything, it’s that image counts. But when Bowie donned his eye-shadow and glitter, he made Ziggy Stardust, a timeless opus of rock n’ roll. So until Panic! starts making world-altering music to go along with their plastic burlesque gimmickry, I’ll continue to ignore them. Because although you should never judge a band by its makeup, androgyny isn’t really that novel. On another note, these guys really are pussies. At Reading Festival, where the audience is famous for throwing plastic bottles at bands they dislike, singer Brendan Urie was K.O.’d by a water bottle. -By Matt Dupree Hymns for Disco is characterized by an amalgamation of hip hop, reggae, soul, pop, rock, and blues as K-Os creates his version of eclectic brilliance. The album assumes a more organic vibe, straying a bit from the acoustic stylings and hip hop thump of his earlier work, instead relying on live drums and lush instrumentation. Some of the songs seem to follow the same up-tempo formula that worked for him in the past, but make no mistake: this album is an expression of distinct creativity. Atlantis ranges from energetic to mellow, flavored with introspection and nostalgia. Whether rapping or singing, K-Os communicates his socially conscious message via fresh, poignant lyricism, enhanced by the interesting, diverse musical arrangements. This album can most likely be found in the Hip Hop/Rap section of your local record store; however, there is really no genre that can encompass the style of this versatile artist.
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W
hen it comes to Senses Fail, you shouldn’t judge the book by its cover. On stage, front man Buddy Nielsen may crack jokes about throwing his back out while having sex with his girlfriend right before the band started their set. Or he’ll cause mayhem by telling the pit to start “boxing circles” before performing “Irony of Dying on Your Birthday.” But backstage he laughs at the fact that I’m a huge fan of Guiding Light, a soap opera his mother, Lisa Brown, once starred in. “No one ever brings that up. Not a lot of people know.” The band is known for keeping things in the family (sort of) because they were able to use Guiding Light’s sets and actors in their music video “Buried a Lie” in 2005. For this quartet from Jersey, plus newest addition Heath Saraceno (former guitarist/vocalist of Midtown), life has all sorts of ups and downs. In 2005, Buddy, Garrett Zablocki, Mike Glita, Dan Trapp, and former guitarist Dave Miller released their full-length debut Let It Enfold You, which sold over 300,000 copies. During that same year, Dave left the band. Luckily, Heath was available. “I got a call from Mike Glita and he asked if I’d be interested in filling in for a while,” he said. “I’ve known the guys for a couple years because my old band toured with them and Reggie and the Full Effect in 2003. It just fell together.” As the guys hit the stage last Thursday night at the Taste of Chaos concert at the LB Convention Center, everything seemed to fall together beautifully just as he said. They opened their set with “Shark Attack” off their new CD Still Searching. As Garrett and Heath went into their solos the fans in the pit were going crazy. Everyone was up on their feet and I could barely hear Buddy over all the singing fans. The band played songs off of Let It Enfold You and Still Searching, including “Rum is For Drinking, Not for Burning”, “You’re Cute When You Scream”, “Bone Crusher”, “Sick or Sane”, and their recent single “Calling All Cars.” The band started working on the new record early in 2006.
Over our phone interview Heath went into more detail. “We just had a lot that we wanted to get out that was built up, and a lot of the ideas for the record came from sitting in a room and jamming. But I
think we kind of influenced each other for this record.” As the sophomore album released by Vagrant Records, Still Searching shows how much the guys have matured together as a band and as individual musicians. The lyrics are more intense, the guitar dueling is heavier, and Dan’s drums are harder than ever. And what did Heath want the fans to get from this album? “I just hope they get into it. There are a lot of good messages on the CD. Buddy went through a lot while he was writing the lyrics for the CD; he struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. And anyone who is going through those things or has a friend going through those things, hopefully it’ll help them out. Then we’ll be pretty happy with it.” Overall, my night at the Taste of Chaos was amazing! It was a very organized concert; every band made their set time and the show concluded right before curfew. The fact that they had a double-sided stage that rotated made the breaks between sets shorter. While one band was on the main stage performing, behind the curtain on the other side the next band was setting up for their set. Fans were definitely satisfied because not only were they able to see band after band without too much of a wait, but it absolutely kept the energy going throughout the night. If you’re a fan of Van’s Warped Tour, then this is where you should be over the winter. It has everything a fan of Warped Tour would want minus the sunburn. There were so many vendors, including Hurley, Glamour Kills, Sugar Hooker, Vans, and multiple charities including Music Saves Lives and PETA2. This, of course, makes the experience even better because all of us were able to have fun watching our favorite bands, while having an opportunity to shop a little and help others in need. -By Christine Casillas
Senses Fail, Words Succeed The Union Weekly’s Christine Casillas sits down with Senses Fail’s Heath Saraceno to discuss touring, the weather, and what-thefuck-ever. Union Weekly: How’s the weather in England? Heath Saraceno: Yeah, it’s kinda of snowing. UW: I love cold weather. H: Yeah, but you live in California, so your ‘cold’ isn’t really that cold. UW: I guess that’s true. So how are you guys doing so far? H: We’re doing really good. We’re halfway done with the European tour. And then we go home and have one day off, and we go straight to out to Taste of Chaos. UW: Yeah, that’s a long tour. Are you really excited or nervous about anything? H: Ummm, I’m pretty excited about it. We’re touring with some good dudes and we like playing in front of a bunch of people in arenas everyday. UW: What is the best quality that you brought to the band? Because on the new album there was definitely a change in the guitars’ sound. There’s guitar dueling and guitar solos. Was that your idea or did you guys all thinking of doing that together? H: We were all on the same page. Me and Garrett came from the same school of guitar playing, soloing, shit like that, and it’s something they never got to do before. UW: Not many bands play like that anymore, with the guitar soloing. It definitely reminded me of old school rock. You guys brought it back, and I like it! H: Yeah, I really like it too. Ha ha! UW: Who or what actually influenced you guys while writing the CD? H: That’s a good question. I don’t think anything I was listening to at the time came through in the music; I was listening to a lot of classic rock like the Allman Brothers and Lynyrd Skynyrd. UW: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened
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to you guys on tour… any tour you guys have done together? H: I don’t know. There was one time when we sat on the bus and listened to music all night long and we stayed up way past our bed time. We really don’t do anything really interesting. We’re a pretty boring band. Last night we got the opportunity to DJ at a bar and it was pretty much the same exact thing that goes on on our bus. We have a pretty good routine. We just pretty much hang out and listen to music and get loose and hang out. We’re pretty boring dudes. UW: For me personally, when I listened to the CD it was pretty intense. And I was reading articles about you guys at the same time and read about what Buddy went through and I related to that because my grandma passed away past year. And I had panic attacks and anxiety, so when I listened to the songs it felt like he took the words out of my head. For me, it definitely hit home and it gave me the hope of if someone else with this problem could make it, then I could too. H: Right, well there it is. That’s exactly it. UW: When you were a little kid what did you want to be when you grew up? H: I wanted to be in a band. I wanted to be in Eddie and the Cruisers. I’d find anything in the house and make it a guitar. I would pretend to play along on a broom or make guitars out of cardboard and yarn, whatever was lying around. I was kind of obsessed with it, even when I was a little kid. UW: What kind of music did you listen to while growing up? Classic rock? H: Pretty much whatever my dad had on the car radio. Like James Taylor or Jim Croce, Led Zeppelin or Rod Stewart. I started listening to metal when I started to play guitar in punk rock bands, like Bad Religion and Minor Threat. UW: Are you guys going to play Warped tour this year? H: No, we did the past three years in a row. Maybe next year, who knows?
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5 March 2007
Fire! At The Arcade
An Album of Neon Biblical Proportions
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f anything, you have to respect Arcade Fire’s dedication to becoming the people’s band. Musically, the band tends toward the sweeping and the grandiose. They toe the line brilliantly between speaking to the group and speaking to the individual, often doing both simultaneously. They’ve been known to parade through the audience during the closing song at concerts. And take a look at lead singer Win Butler on the Feb. 24th episode of Saturday Night Live: working-man haircut, populist Creole proverb written Guthrie-style in duct tape on his guitar, which he smashes at the end of the band’s first tune as though it were an occupational mandate. People’s band is an understatement: these guys are gunning to become indie-rock’s own William Jennings Bryan. The band’s sophomore album, Neon Bible, takes this agenda to a whole new level. Having tackled themes of mortality and growing up on their debut, Funeral, Neon Bible is the band’s statement on the plight of the common man in 21st-century America (yeah, they’re not really afraid to aim high thematically). It is eleven tracks of Big-Brother anxiety, political distrust, unrealized escapism, and a sense of general and utter helplessness. Sound about right? The album opens with “Black Mirror,” a Bowie-esque jaunt which introduces some of the album’s key motifs; the lines
5 March 2007
“Shot by a security camera / You can’t watch your own image / And also look yourself in the eye” more or less mapping out the course of sentiment to come. The “neighborhoods” of Funeral have been traded for bigger, less personal cities, as on “Keep the Car Running,” in which Butler confesses “Every night my dream’s the same / Same old city with a different name / And men are coming to take me away.” This sense of frustration and entrapment finds a counterpoint on tracks like “No Cars Go” and “Windowsill,” the former a paean to intellectual escape and the latter a definitive statement of the narrator’s exhaustion. “Antichrist Television Blues,” however, is probably the album’s thematic centerpiece. Originally titled “Joe Simpson” (after the father of Jessica and Ashlee), the song is a five minute romp concerning the contradictory relationship between American capitalism and American Christianity. It is to this phenomenon that the album’s title refers. Neon Bible finds the band throttled down a bit musically from Funeral’s four-on-the-floor assaults, and this bit of temperance has done them good. Owen Pallett’s string arrangements are not as omnipresent as on Funeral, they rather tend to hang back a little, making their show-stealing moments hit even harder. The band trades the baroque for a bit more restraint and some smaller, more precise arrangements; the monolithic for a hint of twang, as on tracks like the aforementioned “Keep the Car Running” and “Antichrist Television Blues.” But don’t think they’ve forgotten the things that made them famous. “Intervention” is probably the ultimate summation of the band’s signature aesthetic. Starting with only voice over organ and acoustic guitar, by the end it has built itself into an orchestral behemoth: Butler howling with last-words intensity, Régine Chassagne’s backing vocals raining down among swelled-to-
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
burst strings and organ and a kamikaze bass line. “My Body is a Cage” closes the album with a similar climax, though a more hopeful one—one of Butler’s finest vocal moments. Perhaps the album’s greatest fault, though minor, is that it denies Chassagne a chance to shine as she did on Funeral’s “In the Backseat.” Still, even in her smaller role, she turns in an unforgettable performance on more than one song. Arguably the most anticipated album of 2007, Neon Bible is more or less a perfect follow-up to Funeral. By finding a balance between embracing the strengths of their debut and challenging themselves to grow and evolve, the Arcade Fire have managed to surpass what some thought an album impossible to match. Take a listen to the end of “Windowsill,” one of the album’s many group choruses; a mass-rejection of American values, and one which demands your singing along. Above all, perhaps Neon Bible’s greatest triumph is that it is undeniably an album for the people—and what more should we expect from the people’s band? -By Drew Evans
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RS, KILLE
COMEDY Dearest Gil,
CENTRAL
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Review of Black Snake Moan
T
he idea to have a sex-crazed chick chained up in the house of a heartbroken old man was a good one. It was a good idea for an extreme exploitation film made with 1970’s technology and a rock-solid soundtrack. Instead, Black Snake Moan director, Craig Brewer decided to make a film about nothing, offering nothing, where close to nothing happens. The trailer for the film makes false promises to the audience. A fit and revamped Ricci appears to be chained up on the floor of a Jesus freak’s (Samuel L. Jackson) house where she is presumably exorcised of all her evil ways. However, in the film she is chained for a lackluster fifteen minutes, where by some miracle her white underwear remain spotless, despite the fact that she was supposedly unconscious for two days and locked up for an additional few. It was either the greatest advertisement for Hanes Her Way, or the worst continuity error ever. The film goes on to introduce Justin Timberlake as an anxiety-suffering National Guard reject, who loves Ricci
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SNL: The Best of John Belushi
Starring: The Saturday Night Live “Not Ready For Primetime Player” Runtime: 78 minutes Retail Price: $14.98 John Belushi was a pioneer for late night sketch comedy, but many of you might know him as the guy from your kick-ass poster chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels in a “College” sweater. Yeah, he’s that guy, and he was really funny too. SNL has put together a plethora of these “Best of ” DVDs, and frankly, there’s no mind-numbing special features, or really anything that cool barring a few candid moments of John being sweaty, grumpy, booze-and-drugs-John. But the feature, which includes some of his more memorable sketches and musical performances, makes the disc worth its weight in gold! Belushi was an old fashioned performer, and for me, his talent really shines through in his solid tunes. Belushi and Dan Akroyd make up The Blues Brothers, and watching them do their thing may be the most fun you can have with your clothes on. Also taking the stage are The Bumble Bees, Joe Cocker, and good old Ludwig Van; the latter two, of course, parodied by Belushi. The Cocker sketch may be his best work. Belushi throwing his gut around stage while growling out every note is timeless. Bill Murray and Chevy Chase are present in many of the sketches, and both are obviously huge stars that used SNL to spark their careers. But this was Belushi’s show, and at that time, he dominated the scenes with confidence that only the great Blutarsky could manage. It takes a big man to pull off a Vito Corleone without looking like an idiot. An interesting diversion lies in the special features section, but requires some reading. It’s not often that magazine articles make their way onto a DVD, but Charles M. Young’s piece on Belushi, published in Rolling Stone, proved itself to be a compelling read. It’s hard to think of a modern parallel, but maybe that’s a good thing. The blood and sweat that Belushi put into every performance obviously took its toll. Better to burn out, I guess.
–By Vincent Girimonte
pull up a stool
with cynthia romanowski
Portfolio Cafe
-G
Skank on a Chain
Previews • Reviews • Release Dates
but just doesn’t know how to tame her sex addiction. His awful performance is as good as any you could expect from a four year-old kid who just got his ice cream bar stolen by a clown. He is joined by a handful of unknown actors who play southern country folk, with a peculiar appreciation for blues music that Brewer never really explains, connects, or develops, leaving the audience ambivalent to any of their relationships and the rest of the movie. There is only one almost saving grace of the film and that is Samuel L. Jackson singing “Stack-O-Lee.” The roughly three-minute scene involves Jackson on a dirty barroom stage, picking at a blues guitar and singing the most derogatory song imaginable; we would expect nothing less. For me, this scene is up there with his sharkchomp death in Deep Blue Sea, it’s that good. The film is beyond saving though. When the end finally comes you are left wishing that a truck-load of lumber will fall onto Timberlake and Ricci, killing them instantly as the director stretches to make a poignant moment of closure. But, that moment never comes. The characters are still trashy, southern folk who smoke nineteen packs of cigs a day just to keep the heartache at bay.
–By Katie Wynne
Walking into Portfolio is like walking onto the Central Perk set of Friends but without all the good-looking people. Instead, you’re much more likely to find artists vigorously sketching on tattered notepads, students tapping away on their laptops or tattooed locals pretending to read intellectual books. Voted one of the “Best Coffee Houses in Long Beach” by Press Telegram readers for more than 6 years in a row and selected one of the City’s Best by AOL’s City Guide, Portfolio is a locally famous destination. It takes one visit to realize that its got a lot more to offer than your standard-issue coffee spot. For $6 an hour you can waste away on Myspace (or use Microsoft Office to write a paper) on one of their flat screen computers or soak up the free Wi-fi access if you bring a laptop. They also sell a nice array of semi-alternative magazines like Ad Busters and Spin if you’re not in a cyberspace kind of mood. Wednesday is Open Mic Night, Mondays they have a free knitting workshop, and Fridays and Saturdays are reserved for live music, which is usually local and mellow. Everyday from 11am-3pm they serve up a nice little lunch menu of panini and other sandwiches but if you don’t make it in time they have a bunch of cold pre-made stuff too. I went for the turkey wrap, which is a red tortilla with tomato, onion, cucumbers, lettuce, cream cheese, Swiss and sliced turkey of course. Two words: fresh and delicious. Vegetarian options are available and prices for coffee and treats are average. Conveniently located by 4th Street’s line of vintage stores and the Art Theater the atmosphere definitely caters to alternative/artsyfartsy crowds and makes for a good pit stop on a lazy afternoon. It’s open until 11pm during the week and until midnight on the weekends. 2300 East 4th St. (at Junipero) 562-434-02486 www.portfoliocoffeehouse.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5 March 2007
Reel News 300 R
I
t dawned on me late in David Fincher’s latest film, Zodiac, that unsolved crimes make for the best crime films. Some reviewers have claimed that this project was doomed from the start, as we all know that the person responsible for the Zodiac killings in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s was never caught. What good is a police procedural drama when there’s no resolution? What’s the draw? If you need to see the good guys get their man and the villain scowling from behind iron bars, then you probably won’t find much to like about this movie. Personally, I loved the fuck out of it. Get ready for some really insightful reasons why.
Photos Courtesy of Paramount Pictures
5 March 2007
First, let’s talk plot. The Zodiac struck randomly in two Californian cities before sending messages and encrypted codes to three of San Francisco’s biggest newspapers. He demanded that his codes be printed on the front page, lest he go on a killing spree the following weekend. Writer Paul Avery (Robert Downey Jr.) and cartoonist, Robert Graysmith (Jake Gyllenhaal) became obsessed with the case, and embarked on investigations that intersected with one another, as well as the two detectives assigned to the case (played by Mark Ruffalo and Anthony Edwards). The investigation and killings went on for years, destroying the lives of most involved and eventually leading to a handful of suspects who were never brought to justice. This is a new development in Fincher’s career. Gone are the digital cameras swooping through bullet holes in car windows, wrapping around plastic explosive wires and dropping down the sides of skyscrapers. He’s refined his visual style in a sedate, but no less exciting way since the near fetishistic overload of Panic Room. The few shots that he does create with CGI are as graceful as they are invisible. If this seems like a step down—again—you won’t like this film. And of course there’s a damn good reason why Fincher’s backed off from his old visual tricks. The real beauty of this film is the patience of the storytelling. Since Zodiac was never caught, everyone’s a suspect and the story never pretends that the end goal is a solution to the mystery. Instead, we’re allowed to wallow in the impatience and frustration of those
investigating the case. The obsession that envelops these characters translates perfectly. No. Fuck that. Their obsession transposes itself onto the audience in a way that I haven’t seen since All The President’s Men. Every new clue, whether genuine or not, is thrilling, even when you’re aware that it’s going to lead to another dead end. Eventually, the uncertainty in the case manifests itself in increasingly intense, paranoiac scenes, like when Graysmith follows a lead that possibly places himself in the hands of the killer. And of course, the story doesn’t work without the actors. The main cast has the arduous task of making the audience as interested in the development of the case as the characters. In the first half, Downey Jr. and Ruffalo achieve this perfectly, all the while creating distinct, magnetic and believable personas. You want them to win. You want them to crack this case and get their lives back. When they don’t, and the focus shifts to Gyllenhaal’s character, it’s scary. But Jake makes the movie his own in the second half. His erratic behavior and inability to connect with his family ratchets the tension even higher. And as unbelievable as his motivations are, Gyllenhaal’s physical dedication to the role (he’s a bundle of raw nerves by the end) makes you believe it. This film ain’t Se7en and it won’t spawn a cult like Fight Club, but this is undoubtedly Fincher’s most accomplished film. Get past the length of this film and bask in the ethereal glow of one of the most unnerving thrillers to come along in a decade.
–By Miles Lemaire
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
This is really the only movie you should bother seeing this week. Based off of Frank Miller’s comic book of the same name, 300 tells the tale of the 300 Spartan warriors that fought the Persian army in the battle of Thermopylae. Adapted from book to screen by Zach Snyder, director of the Dawn of the Dead remake, 300 looks visually different from any other movie ever made and if it stays true to the trailer, then you can be sure to see a plentiful amount of kicks in the chests and blood-stained battlefields. In the same vein as Gladiator, I expect to get up out of my seat and want to stab someone’s head off by the time this movie’s over.
The Namesake PG-13
What are you doing? Don’t even go to the theater expecting to see anything else. Just go watch 300. What’s wrong with you? Okay, mildly interesting story, Kal Penn goes to the country where his family immigrated from in order to find himself and some other shit happens. Right. This’ll still be in the theaters next week. See it then, and if it isn’t? Big fuckin’ deal. I doubt it’ll matter if you watch this one on a big screen or on a 17-inch TV. This is madness. Go see 300.
The Ultimate Gift PG
Ultimate Gift is another “moral of the story” pretentious indie movie that tries to teach the audience a lesson in life. Lame. Go see 300.
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Daredevil: Yellow
with Daredevil was 2003’s abomination of a movie. That is why I was hesitant to read Daredevil: Yellow, even with my deep admiration for Loeb and Sale. In my mind, Matt Murdock was Ben Affleck, and Daredevil was Ben Affleck in a stupid costume, fighting crime with no apparent motivation. Daredevil: Yellow changed this. Loeb’s flawless storytelling drew me in immediately, despite my inherent and irrational dislike for the character, and Sale’s ink washes, though a bit muddier than usual, were as striking as always. This book is ideal for readers who are unfamiliar with Daredevil; it tells the story of his origin, and delves into his relationships with his father, his law partner and best friend, Foggy, and his first real love, Karen Page. Most importantly, Loeb and Sale make Matt Murdock a believable and relatable character, and there is no question as to Daredevil’s motivation for fighting crime. Daredevil: Yellow has a driving narrative that is more character-oriented than actionbased, and distinctive retro-inspired art, which makes it an easy read for those who prefer indie titles. It’s a quick read as well; I finished it in about half-an-hour, and reading it greatly improved my day. I can’t recommend this book (or any of Loeb’s and Sale’s work) highly enough, either as a first comic or as a refreshing departure from standard superhero comics.
By Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale Marvel Comics 152 Pages $14.95
Reviewed By Erin Hickey
I
fell in love with Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale last summer when I read Spider-Man: Blue. Though I had always been into comics, I mainly read indie titles, and it was the first superhero comic I’d read. Loeb’s writing eased me into the genre, providing enough information for a newbie like myself, without being too repetitive for a seasoned fan, while Sale’s phenomenal artwork had me staring at each panel for hours on end. Since then, I devoured as much of their work as I could get my hands on, but for some reason, couldn’t bring myself to pull Daredevil: Yellow off of my shelf and start reading. As much as it pains me to admit it, before I read this book, my first and only experience
Good Omens
Wandering through the bookstore, I stumbled across a book that I hadn’t heard of before. Glancing across the cover, I spotted the name of one of my favorite authors and knew immediately that I was sold. If experience has taught me anything, it’s that any piece of literature written by Neil Gaiman is pure gold. So, seeing that he had teamed up with esteemed author Terry Pratchett, I knew there was bound to be magic lurking within the pages of Good Omens. As I began to read, page after page rushing by in a flurry of anticipation, I found myself captivated in a world where the end of times is only a few days away. The story follows an angel and a demon as they bear witness to the creation of man. Eventually they find themselves charged with planting the seed of man’s destruction, in the form of the Antichrist, on Earth. As time goes on, the two seem to find themselves attached to their otherwise mundane existence on this tiny little planet, called Earth. When the end of days is near, the unlikely pair find themselves rushing to do everything in their power to stop it, only to find that someone has misplaced the Antichrist. As the plot unfolds, the armies of heaven and hell hasten towards the final battle and humanity is put to the ultimate test of survival. Never have I found myself more entertained by the idea of the end of the world. The
By Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman HarperTorch Press 432 Pages $7.99
LitRant:
Check Out This Library Censorship
By Mike Guardabascio
This week I was supposed to read... something. I forget what. But I think running around on my vision quest last week gave me a case of the sniffilis... and the soar-throatilitis. Well, I guess I read something... I read the back of the night-time flu medicine box, it wasn’t very interesting, it just said something about not operating tractors after eating a box of them . WHATEVER I’ll OPERATE A BACK-HOE AFTER EATING A BOX PILLS! On that note, have you ever noticed that the night flu medicine is blue and the day flu medicine is red? I have, I like to put one in each of my hands and pretend like I’m Morpheous offering them to mirror me (because i look in a mirror when i’m doing it) and then I always choose the blue pill because that’s the one that makes me wake up out of the matrix and become Neo and dodge bullets and shit. But it doesn’t work if you take just the one, so you have to stop pretending for a bit and finish the box. But when you finish the box you can put on a black robe and some sunglasses and wait a while and the rest of your day is pretty much like the movie. Flu medicine is rad.
In the biggest literary news since James Frey turned out to have told a Million Little Lies, the latest Newbery Award-winning children’s book, The Higher Power of Lukcy, has been banned from a number of libraries across the country. Why has a book that’s won the most prestigious award in children’s literature been banned, you ask? Because of the most dreaded seven letter word in the English language: scrotum. The word, which appears in an entirely anatomically descriptive context (explaining where a dog was bitten by a snake), is so offensive to parents that they’re going insane; God forbid they have to explain to their children what a scrotum is. There have been several good back and forths about this hot button issue, the best of which can be found at Neil Gaiman’s blog at NeilGaiman.com/journal; it features primarily comments sent in by librarians from opposing sides of the book banning issue. Probably unsurprisingly, we’re always against censorship here at the Union Weekly, particularly when it’s on such flimsy grounds as this. If you agree strongly, or disagree strongly, please send a 100200 word rant/diatribe to MikeG@ lbunion.com.
Reviewed By Philip Vargas
authors weave a reality that is surprisingly not that far off from our own. In an age where technology rules supreme, how can we not question where it is all leading and how it will eventually all come to an end? Walking the fine line between humor and terror, Gaiman and Pratchett bestow upon the public a tome of divinity and damnation, which is bound to captivate all who read even the first few pages. Delivering all that can possibly be offered in a work of fiction, Good Omens is a must read. So, if you’re looking for an entertaining read, then pick up a copy of Good Omens and enjoy.
A NEW TELEVISION SHOW WILL BE IN LONG BEACH THIS WEEK AND WE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU !!
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5 March 2007
[Creative Arts] Mythical Creatures Ariel’s Colorful Soul
T
By Jennifer Schwartz
here was once a lonesome butterfly named Ariel who had no friends of her own. The other butterflies would always glare at her with one eyebrow raised and then walk in the other direction because they could not look past her different appearance on the outside. She had black and white wings and while others lived a frantic, colorful pace she would always stop to feel the magic in her surroundings. Ariel, unlike the other butterflies, loved the freedom and brisk feeling of flying through the vast wilderness in winter time. One frosty winter morning, the sun raised its sleepy head and peeked through the cascade of leaves as if it was calling Ariel’s name. She gave her black and white wings a good long stretch and she leapt out of her cozy bark home with a burst of excitement unlike anything she had felt before. The invigorating winter chill with the soft caress of the sun’s rays against her wings made her soul dance and sing. It brought her peace and hope to see the earth lovingly blanketed with white snow that glimmered like bright jewels in the sunlight. Suddenly a strange gnawing sound turned her attention to a light-brown mouse on the ground who was earnestly trying to break open a walnut. She was going to stop and offer to help him in some way when ahead in the distance she heard the shrill cry of black, menacing hawk that was swooping down towards the defenseless mouse. Ariel knew she had to act fast and with no time to waste she reached the little mouse and embraced him with her black and white wings so they would blend in with the snow. The hawk had now lost sight of its prey and he reluctantly headed back toward his nest with an empty unsatisfied stomach. Ariel was so relieved to see the hawk fly away that she did not notice that her body had become limp in the cold snow and she was fading away. The enchanting tree goddess with her long green tresses had seen Ariel’s generous sacrifice and knew she was a soul worth saving; that Ariel had more to give the world than others realized. A peaceful feeling came over Ariel as her body became warm from within and her youthful vigor was restored. Ariel will never forget how safe and calm she felt in the arms of the tree goddess and how it was the first day someone had seen her for who she really was. Before Ariel’s very eyes the mouse she had protected slowly rose up in the air and became engulfed in a blinding light. Then out of the light a male butterfly that had black and white wings came forth and embraced Ariel. Without saying a word, Ariel knew he was the mouse she had saved and that she now had someone who could truly understand her. The two black and white butterflies lived happily ever-after and can be seen flying through the wilderness every time old man winter visits the land.
In Search of Centaurs By Brian Dunning Two figures, surrounded by shadows, slipped through the darkness of the petting zoo. It was just after midnight. Travis struggled to keep up with his older brother as he glided through gates and over fences. “Leo, what are we doing here?” asked Travis, stepping over a cold pile of goat droppings. “I told you, I just wanted to get a closer look,” whispered his brother, “just try and keep up.” “Get a closer look at what? You saw all the animals this morning,” moaned Travis, “besides, why’d you have to sneak me out of the house too? If Mom –” Leo stopped in his tracks and turned to face his brother. “Listen Travis, nobody’s forcing you to be here. I just thought you’d like to come along and see the animals again, close up. But I swear, if you don’t keep your voice down, I’m going to feed you to the hogs.” Travis nodded his head silently and pushed forward with his brother. When they reached the pony’s stable, Leo climbed on top of a hay bale next to the edge of the fence. Resting his elbows on the fence, he began staring at the solitary mare standing just inches from his reach. “Isn’t she beautiful?” he said, reaching his hand out to pet the animal. “I guess,” said Travis, watching as his brother ran his hand through the pony’s coarse mane. “I didn’t know you liked horses so much.” Travis was silent. He continued running his hands over the mare’s body, down the mane, across the sloping back. “You ever wish you were an animal?” he asked. “I dunno, it might be nice if I was wild,” said Travis, “though this horse here doesn’t seem to mind being in a petting zoo. I bet it meets all sorts of nice people during the day.” “You ever read about those people who used to be half animals, like back in ancient Greece?” asked Leo, his hands caressing the beautiful horse in front of him. “Oh yeah! Mrs. White told us about those,” burst Travis. A few chickens rustled in their cages. He lowered his voice. “But she said they were just myths, they weren’t real or nothing.” “What if they were real?” asked Leo, who began climbing into the pony’s stable. “What if all those stories you heard about the centaurs were real?” “You don’t think Mrs. White would lie to us like that, do you, Leo?” “All I’m saying is that there had to be one person that was half horse along the way somewhere,” he said as he began circling the pony. “You don’t think that back then, someone loved a horse so much to make a family with it? You know, before it was illegal?” “What are you talking about Leo?” “I bet there were all sorts of half people, half animal families. Half lion families, half horse families, heck, I’d bet there was even a half chicken family.” Illustration by Kathy Miranda “What are you doing Leo? I don’t think she likes that, Leo.”
Listen! By Jared Kenelm Collins Humanity shadows over me powerfully, roosting red atop its ivory tower. The wind picks up. Students scuttle by, tunnel-vision smooth, holding their breath in the dangerously clean air. The rain has stopped and society tells me a brilliant blue sky is beautiful. I still can’t shake off that shadow.
Sitting on that cold rectangle of concrete, I hold a book in front of me. It can’t hold my attention. I start reading the memories of the smooth-barked tree before me. No I don’t know what kind it is. I’m from Massachusetts. Besides, it isn’t important. Anyway. So I’m watching this tree standing there in the sun, ignoring everyone that passes. Ants. Humans. Whatever they are. I don’t think trees use the same words. They call all animate life shlee, last time I asked. So it’s stretching out in the sunlight there, determined to catch the fireball some day. Maybe it will. The sun still finds the whole prospect quite amusing. Notice, though, how our blessed orb always keeps towering brick-red humanity like a wall twixt it and tree? That’s right. Fear. The tree stands there below the steps, perfectly asymmetrical, perfectly ugly and ordinary, laughing at the shlee while the sun laughs at the tree. I laugh at all of them, of course. Then humanity’s shadow crashes over me again and the little rain cloud reappears. It’s cold. Our tree is basking in the sun, bristling with passion and reaching – ever-reaching! Ha! laughs the shlee. We need to get to class. I finally solved that equation the last night dude! Dude. I’m on the phone. Oh. I just know the tree will get pissed someday and just come stomping out of the dirt and climb brick-red humanity. Maybe crush a few people on the way over. Leap and smother the sun. No one would be laughing then. Hehe! giggles the sprite at my ear. The tree already knows everything! What reason hath he to uproot his alleged self? The gossamer wings twitter. You could know everything too, if you just stay put long enough. I reach for my cell to call the Uni police. They’ll swat this annoying conscience of mine. Fool! it giggles. Look at all those shlee! So I watch my zombie-mates scuttling by, single file. The sun laughs. I laugh. Listen! whispers the sprite, dusty wings spawning chaos, black fangs dripping order. Since nothing can be proven…two choices! it squeaks, raising a right hand missing the necessary fingers. Be an optimist, love everything. Be a pessimist, love nothing. In other words: smile! be happy! Or – the ugly thing grins black death and severs its own finger, slurps the crooked length down its gullet like evil spaghetti. Giggles, chokes. Innocent round saucereyes implore my aid. Pupils sparkling like the cartoons. I laugh. Grab the thing out of the air and slam it against the cold rectangle. Use the carcass to write out Listen! in the concrete. Like charcoal. Like the pure blue sky screaming beauty, and the sun laughing heartburn.
Attention: This week’s winner of the Creative Arts’ contest was Brian Dunning with his stunnin short story. For this next week I plan on getting the page laid out early in honor of the Big West Tournament, so send all submissions to Philip@lbunion.com by Thursday night at 10:00 pm. This week’s theme, in homage to St. Patrick’s Day, is “gone drinking.” Send in your drinking songs, short stories and poems: 300 words or less.
5 March 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Comics]
Life n Times By Lewis Grey
Tom By Andrew Wilson
Bellyful of Spite By James Kislingbury
Crayon Box By David Faulk
PERP By A. Traitor
Across 1- Germinated grain used in brewing 5- European wheat 10- Sketch 14- Neighborhood 15- Roman god of the underworld 16- Title bestowed upon the wife of a raja 17- Star-___ tuna
18- First prime minister of India 19- Common abbreviation for “is not” 20- Compass direction 21- Religious writings 23- Cereal grass 25- Hasten 26- Raging 31- Flavor 35- Division of geologic
time 36- Chief of the Vedic gods 38- More pleasant 40- Yearn 42- Modify 44- Sewing case 45- Fool 47- Pilfer 49- Donkey 50- Consumed
52- Person who has been expelled 54- Goddess of dawn in Greek mythology 56- Self-esteem 57- Unchanging things 62- Spoken 66- Pipe 67- Wide-awake 68- Japanese syllabic script 69- Potpourri 70- High building 71- Locks up 72- Predictive sign 73- Exalt 74- Salamander Down 1- Bring into existence 2- La Scala solo 3- Not as much 4- Body art 5- Short composition 6- Type of school or cook 7- Mimic 8- Stagger 9- Trouble, slangily 10- Faucet problem 11- Skin eruption 12- Editor Wintour 13- Intelligence 22- Bring forth young
24- Black bird 26- Where heroes are made 27- Wear down, physically or emotionally 28- Craze 29- Increases 30- Slatted wooden box 32- Filled pastry crust 33- The number system with base 8 34- Employ again 37- Vertex 39- Increase in height or number 41- Obtained 43- Hand woven pictorial design 46- Driving aids 48- Relay race part 51- Write down 53- Brief glance 55- Drawing room 57- Coal dust 58- Off-Broadway theater award 59- Inert gas 60- Information 61- Journey 63- Contest, ethnicity 64- Once more 65- Ultimate 66- As well
Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: Byrd@lbunion.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a Medium
Hard
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5 March 2007
[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
How to Play Sudoku
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Medium
5 March 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Hard
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VOLUME 60
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
Some Pig Just Wants To Watch You Eat Your Bacon See SOME PIG Page 5
Headlines
Cat Burglar Successfully Licks His Own Asshole
Daily Burgle: Man mugs own silhouette.
Make-A-Wish Kid Wishes For Three More Wishes
WHY DOESN’T SHE BUY HER BEAUTY BACK?
ISSUE 6
Mayor McCheese Signs Historic Peace Accord With The Thousand Islands
Stephen Hawking to Be Human Kite During Anti-Gravity Flight By The Nothing
When asked to elaborate on the modifications made for the flight, Jensen said that they have been working on specialast week Zero Gravity, an enter- ized “string technology.” “We plan on havtainment-based flight company, ing mister Hawking leave his wheelchair sent a personal invitation to the behind,” said the excited CEO. “He will notorious theoenjoy the flight in retical physicist, an extremely thin Stephen Hawksuit developed by ing to be the next NASA engineers.” premier passenJensen went on to ger on their antisay, “Because Mr. gravity jet. “I do Hawking has no not know why this control over his would appeal to limbs we will be me,” pokerfaced tying a very speHawking stated. cialized string to “I haven’t felt the his left ankle to effects of gravity keep him within for as long as I can our reach.” remember. In fact, S t e p h e n are my legs floatHawking released ing right now?” a statement on Despite the Saturday acceptfact that the intering the invite and view took place in graciously thankProfessor Stephen Hawking (above) sails on the solar Hawking’s pool, winds, watching starbursts from a million years ago and ing Jensen for the comment has other scientific type shit like that. his efforts. “It is a shocked Zero dream of mine to Gravity CEO, Derek Jensen. “We were fly like the cosmos,” said Hawking. “I will really looking forward to sending him finally be able to float upon the clouds of up there to experience what he has con- knowledge, greatness, and now the trotributed so much to,” Jensen said. “I un- posphere.” Hawking did make one sugderstand that his disability would be a gestion for the flight, that being that the challenge, but we have modified his par- string have a key tied to the other end of ticular flight to avoid any inconvenienc- it in case the plane should experience any es for him.” electrical storms while in the air. GRUNION KITE EATING TREE
L
Stolen Rockwell, Cup of a Carpenter Found in Spielberg’s Collection Death Baby Rattle: “Stop laughing at my pain, Wishmaster,” exclaims duped child.
Polar Cub Joins Rag-Tag Soccer Misfits, Nothing In Rules Says He Can’t
This Holiday Season: Rudy the polar cub thought he had it all. But if he wants to get back to his family in time for Christmas, he’s going to have to team up with the worst amateur soccer team in the league! Can he turn these soccer zeros into futból heroes and take the team to victory against the Boston Celtics? Find out in Air Cub!
Obese Woman Gives Birth to Fully Clothed Child
By The Nothing
GRUNION CRUSADER
“Russian Schoolroom,” a Norman Rockwell painting stolen over thirty years ago was found by director Steven Spielberg’s staff last week after they saw the picture posted on the FBI’s website labeled “stolen.” After authorities confirmed the authenticity of the painting on Friday, Spielberg was placed under investigation for multiple counts of felony theft when several other historical pieces were found in his prop room, including the biblical Holy Grail. “I bought both pieces from a legitimate dealer, “ said Spielberg. “I also paid top dollar for this art and plan on doing whatever it takes to retain possession of it, and I mean whatever it takes.” Spielberg went on to give the name of the dealer who sold the pieces to him back in 1989, incriminating longtime friend and director, George Lucas. “It is a shock that Steven would do this to me,” sighed Lucas, “but it is true. I did sell him the pieces. It was back when I really needed the cash to fund Willow. I
By Avocado Bean Dip GRUNION FOLD
ORANGE, CA – 420-pound woman April Barnum, 39, gave birth to a healthy boy last week without ever knowing she was with child. Doctors credit her extreme obesity and poor health as the reason Barnum ignored stomachaches, kicking, and screaming for the past nine months. “I just figured my tummy was a grumblin’,” said Barnum, in between bites of a comically large chicken drumstick, “so I continued eating for two.” Barnum’s healthy baby boy was born at 78 pounds 8 ounces, with a full head of brown hair, and wearing a Shrek t-shirt far too small for his body. Barnum named the child “Bailey” after her favorite coffee liquor. The child bares a striking resemblance to a child by the name of Charlie Allen, who disappeared from a bench without a trace 6 years ago at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Miraculously, Bailey was born with the ability of speech, and recalls the exact moment of his conception. “All I can remember,” said Bailey, “Was the sun completely disappearing before I was enveloped by a warm, slippery cocoon. I survived on crumbs and liquids that found their way into my fold.” Bailey also hinted that he might have a twin: “There are others. They must be saved.”
Child Hears the Word “Scrotum”; Head Explodes By Father McKenzie
GRUNION LOVE SACK
made a lot of promises to a lot of people. I regret what I have done.” The directors will both be questioned throughout the week to determine how the FBI will move forward in granting possession of the artifacts. In the meantime, the authorities have acquired all of Spielberg’s collection, including the Arc of the Covenant, a Mayan temple, and actor Sam Rockwell.
At a library reading of the recent Newbery Award-winnning The Higher Power of Lucky, young Sarah Stromley’s head exploded after she heard the word “scrotum.” The word, which occurs tragically early in the book, kept the other children from getting to hear the rest of Lucky’s story. Stromley’s parents were understandably distraught, as they gave an interview covered in their daughter’s pink brain splatter. “We’re liberal intellectuals, ourselves; we always thought censorship was ridiculous, that mere words could never do actual harm in America. We were flat out wrong. It turns out that certain words, particular letters and sounds arranged one after another, are capable of…well, of literally blowing our daughter’s mind. I guess Rush and O’Reilly were right.”
Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And, like that man that died on the cross, we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, ticking clock!