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[Issue 60.7] March Madness is Uponst Us Letter from the Editor

hat a week Long Beach State has had. Our men’s basketball team headed into the Big West tournament as the top seed, and promptly knocked off UC Irvine on Friday evening in front of an overwhelmingly Beach-friendly crowd in the Anaheim Convention Center. The next night, we faced Cal Poly, a team we beat twice during the regular season, but with the way college basketball works, there was no guaranteeing a victory. The game was rough to watch for so many reasons; the scoring was back and forth, and for the first half, it seemed none of the Long Beach men could hit a shot; the stands were packed, so bad in fact that CSULB students were near fisticuffs trying to secure space close to the court; and this is Long Beach, where most elevated expectations are met with grim, grim disappointment. But this was our year, and in the second half of the game against Poly, we ran the Mustangs straight out of the building. There was an energy in the stands, as people slowly began to realize the gravity of the situation: we are going to the dance. We, Long Beach, are going to be playing on College Basketball’s biggest stage in front of the entire world.

But which stage? With a packed house in the Nug’, the team, the coaching staff, friends, family, alums, and students looked on with baited breath as we found out that Long Beach State would be the number 12 seed in the South bracket of the NCAA tourney, going up against the Tennessee Volunteers in… Columbus, Ohio. Sure, it wasn’t Sacramento (the closest site for the first round of games), and it wasn’t even Spokane, Washington (a day away by car), but you know what, it didn’t matter. For the fans that have been with the team this year from day one, there were only two words that could describe going to Ohio: road trip. Let me be the first to apologize for next week’s Union Weekly. We’re leaving Tuesday night to drive across the country to get in by Friday for the game. Let me also be the first to apologize to all the professors who are going to wonder why none of us are in class. But we feel that this is important. It’s the first time in a long time that Long Beach has had an opportunity to truly be among the nation’s best, and we would hate to miss one single minute of it.

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

Short Story Contest Deadline Approaches! The Union Weekly’s own Lit Page is sponsoring its fourth semesterly short story contest, this time with bigger cash payouts and more lax standards! If you’re interested in submitting, which, frankly, you should be, listen and listen close: send all entries (you can submit up to 5 per person), of 155 words or LESS, to shortstory@lbunion.com, by midnight on March 30th. $155 of total prize money will be available, and we expect to receive plenty of entries. All CSULB students, including employees of the Union Weekly, are eligible, and entries will be judged anonymously to ensure fairness. There’s some other legal mumbo jumbo, like that we’ll print the winners along with professional-level illustrations, and the like. But basically: 155 words or less, shortstory@lbunion.com, midnight on March 30th, lots of prizes. Cool? Cool. By Katie Wynne

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)

This week you will find yourself trying to improve several areas of your life all at once. This will either lead to great success, a Nobel Peace prize, and a huge Jacuzzi filled with gold coins, or a nervous breakdown that will destroy your romantic future. Good luck with that.

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)

Hey buddy, I am really sorry about last week. That thing with your friend was a real bummer, and while I can’t hold myself completely responsible, I do feel that the way they were treated is partly my fault. That being said, they totally deserved it. This week I insist you play disc golf because the weather is just too damn nice not to.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)

You may take credit for things that you shouldn’t, but yesterday’s monster in the toilet was definitely all you. Even though all your friends and family didn’t seem that impressed, trust me, they were. This week go on a bike ride; if you don’t have a bike steal one, the weather is just too damn nice not to.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

Being the chatter that you are, something you say tomorrow is going to effect the rest of the week. It might be good, or it might be bad. All I can say is that South Park is funny when they say it, you aren’t. You are a 136 pound white wimp. Maybe you should start running for practice; besides, the weather is too nice not to.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You may not care about all this stuff, and that’s fine. But I really wish you would stop calling me names behind my back. If you have a problem with the future or me then just drown in some river, okay? The weather is too damn nice not to, ass.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

Two days from now you are going to ask yourself why you spent nine dollars on that piece of crap. But as of right now, the shitty service you received and the lack of lettuce on that Quizno’s sandwich was totally worth

Moon Editor

it. Do some crunches out on the lawn after you’re done eating, the weather is too nice not to.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)

Marco, polo, Pergo, ergo, Rambo, commando, “let’s go,” Lando and Jello all kind of rhyme with Virgo. Not that any of the above will make a difference this week, I just wanted to waste your time the way you wasted your mom’s. You won’t enjoy the nice weather this week, because you are a mean ole grump.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

Well, well, well, look who came back. This week you are going to have a lot of fun. How do I know? I happen to have sent you a little something called the Crocodile Mile. Yeah, it is pretty great, and with this weather the only thing better would have been buying you a dolphin to ride around campus, and I don’t know you that well.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

You hate these horoscopes and yet, here you are. You are such a hypocrite. This week you will use the nice weather as an excuse to “get drunk.” Unfortunately this will lead to three skipped classes, one thirddegree burn, and a stranger dressed in tin foil laying in your bed on Friday.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

It didn’t take long for you to talk yourself into eating that month-old sour cream. Yes, I did see that. I also saw you watching the Real Housewives of Orange County. Try to turn your life around this week by swimming in the school pool and discovering the untapped pleasure of the diving board.

Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)

Nice weather we’re having, huh? I wish I had more to to tell you, but I’d be lying if I said you had a future.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

Your life will be like a Beck music video this week. The rhythm will be solid, the mood will be happy, but nothing will really make much sense. Tomorrow you will run into a familiar face when you look in the mirror.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mikeg@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com

Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Christine Hodinh Copy Editors Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, James Kislingbury, Derek Crossley, Darren Davis, Jimmy Dinh, Drew Evans, Steven Carey, David Faulk, Christopher Troutman, Cynthia Romanowski, Patricia Alonzo, Alan Passman, Jennifer Schwartz, Anna Mavromati, Matthew Blanchett, Jason Oppliger, Jared Kenelm Collins, Marcus Bockman, Annalisa Brizuela

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

12 March 2007

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

How Now, Pow-Wow?

By Chris Barrett Union Staffer

Generations young and old join in celebration, food, and dance at CSULB’s Thirty-Seventh Annual Pow-Wow.

Food Pyramid Turned on its Apex

By Cynthia Romanowski & Ryan Kobane Union Staffer & News Director

he smell of frybread drenched the senses, while the yellows and greens of customary regalia made sure everyone’s head was on a constant swivel. CSULB was once again in the midst of its very own Pow-wow. For the thirty-seventh year in a row, the longest running university pow-wow west of the Mississippi once again marched its way onto CSULB’s campus for two days of celebration, spiritual guidance, and awards. Less then a century ago, Native Americans were not able to express their culture, and some would even be arrested for speaking their native languages. This changed in 1924 when Native Americans were granted citizenship, but it took an additional ten years for the ban on dancing to be lifted. “It’s a social dance to help celebrate all of our various cultures,” said Cannon Coccellato, CSULB alumni, from the Cherokee nation. “Long Beach’s pow-wow is unique because lots of different tribes with many different customs come together.” In conjunction with the pow-wow, CSULB was also host to two documentaries. The Canary Effect: Kill the Indian, Save the Man demonstrated Native Americans’ struggle in the United States, and was the West Coast premiere of the film.

Campus Calen d a r

Week of Mar.12

Tues. Financial Workshop USU Ballroom B @ 12:30 - 2:00 p.m.

Wed. Meet Your ASI Executive Candidates USU Room 224 from 4-6 p.m.

Thur. Kevin & Bean Show Guinness World Record Attempt

@ Elektric Hair Starting at 5:45 a.m. Meet All ASI Candidates Southwest Terrace from 12-1 p.m.

Sat. St. Paddy’s Day

Photos by Ryan Kobane (Left) Saginaw Grant, of the Iowa and Otoe Missouria tribes and “Sac & Fox” tribe gave a stirring prayer that addressed everything from strength, spirituality, and the war in Iraq. (Right) Two generations participate in a ceremonial Gourd dance.

With its powerful imagery, interviews with leading scholars, and testimonies from those living on reservations today, The Canary Effect traces the struggles of Native Americans from the misconceptions of Christopher Columbus all the way to contemporary issues with Indian gaming and sovereignty. After the screening co-director Robin Davey commented that the primary purpose of the film was to educate people and familiarize them with issues that Native Americans face, as well as to try to bring understanding to the hopelessness that plagues those directly affected by the problems discussed in the film.

“It was a fascinating story that didn’t seem to be told in the right way,” said Davey when asked about his motivations for making the film. The other documentary, By Any Means Necessary, directed by James Alvarez was screened in the Daniel Recital Hall. By Any Means Necessary tells the story of the Buffalo River Dene Nation, and their current battle with the government of Canada. “Any time we can inform people, and allow them to become more aware of the federal policies placed upon Native Americans and how devastating they have been, it’s a good thing,” said Georgiana Sanchez, American Indian Studies Professor at CSULB.

CSULB Gets Schooled in The Art of Grindin’ Boost Mobile sent panelists and alumni to CSULB for a discusion on The Game Behind The Game

By Ryan Kobane News Director When a panel full of top executives, industry moguls, and self-professed fashonistas take time to explain the best route up the ladder of success, you listen, and hopefully take notes. In conjunction with Boost Mobile, Vibe Entertainment, and CSULB’s Program Council, Long Beach students, high school and college, were given a one-on-one experience to see exactly what it takes to succeed in the world of entertainment. After all of the panelists were introduced, Fonsworth Bentley (entertainer, hip-hop artist, and fashion designer) looked directly at the crowd that had almost entirely filled the USU Auditorium, “I see some of you aren’t taking notes; I suggest you take out a piece of paper and pen right about now.” Discussions were held on topics from the daily activities and routine of each panelist, to how each made their initial steps in the right direction toward their dream. “For the people that took the panel seriously, and not just for entertainment, I think it was very valuable,” said Pat Dean, 21, Journalism major. “They gave some great advice.” Advice came quickly and often during the

A new study out of Stanford University has found that Atkins may be the best diet amongst those intended for weight loss. On average, the participants in the year-long study lost 10.4 pounds on the Atkins diet, 5.7 pounds on the US Government’s suggested LEARN diet, 4.8 pounds on the Ornish diet, and 3.5 pounds on the Zone diet. Further results showed that people on the Atkins diet don’t experience increased blood pressure or cholesterol levels, the two symptoms doctors previously cited as reasons to exercise caution when on the diet. Other recent studies also show that the Atkins diet doesn’t increase the risk of stroke, heart disease, or cancer when properly followed. Doctors still suggest caution, though, as simply replacing carbohydrates with red meat will undoubtedly lead to increased cholesterol and heart disease. Also, though the Atkins diet is the quickest way to weight loss, it also leads to the quickest weight regain after quitting the diet.

Britain Makes Strides Towards Apocalypse Skynet 5 was officially launched this past Saturday. The new satellite system will help the British military and its allies exchange huge amounts of data very quickly all across the globe. Winning modern wars has become increasingly dependent on information, and the new satellite system will prove a huge advantage, allowing militaries to simultaneously see the whole world and act together as a single conscious entity. John Connor could not immediately be reached for comment. Have you seen this boy?

Rainy Day Pope Number XVI

Photo by Ryan Kobane Fonsworth Bentley, along with many other big names in the entertainment industry, took time out to drop some knowledge on campus last Wednesday in the USU Auditorium.

hour and a half discussion, and with top executives from the Magic Johnson Foundation, NASCAR, and Boost Mobile, students were eager to absorb the knowledge being handed out. “The work isn’t glamorous, it’s the end product,” said Darrel Butler, Boost Mobile representative. “Leaders are made when no one is looking, remember that. And always be unique, white noise isn’t heard. Find a way to be non-traditional.”

Pope Benedict has gone public to assert that Bob Dylan is a false prophet. In a book of memoirs about Pope John Paul II issued Thursday, he discloses that he was opposed to Dylan appearing with John Paul II at a youth event in 1997, saying that these types shouldn’t be allowed to intervene. Pope Benedict didn’t explain what about Bob Dylan he dislikes or why he considers him a false prophet. But, being that the Pope is humanity’s link to God and that he is infallible, it seems that when Dylan finally does go knocking on heaven’s door, the answer will be blowing in the wind.

Mon. 12th Tues. 13th Wed. 14th Thur. 15th Fri. 16th Your Weekend Hi 85° Lo 58° Hi 80° Lo 55° Hi 78° Lo 56° Hi 79° Lo 55° Hi 77° Lo 54° Hot/Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny 12 March 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hi 74° Lo 52° Perfect, Seriously

Opinions

Cultural Funding Needs Real Criteria By Guido D’Onofrio

Call Me A Prostitute By Derek Crossley Union Staffer Have you ever felt cheap? Like you let yourself go to the lowest bidder; a human-vase at a dyslexic auction house? Well, I’m sure you have. But what’s surprising is that I have too. See how much we have in common? I’m more than just an egomaniacal, one-trick pony. I was on tour, in Seattle, and our van blew up (quite literally) a block from the venue. We pushed the smoldering heap the final fifty yards and played the show. Afterwards, we went to a friend’s house who was gracious enough to put us up for the night. That’s when I met her. She claimed we’d met before. I even told her I remembered, (I didn’t). I played a Hamlet worthy role in our awkward flirting; until, I was told that she was dating the kid whose house we were staying at. I curbed my minor-league-game and she left. The next morning we rented a moving truck and I spent the following twenty-four hours cooped-up in the windowless, steel box. The following day I got a call. Yes, it was from her. She claimed to have gotten my number from a mutual friend. I asked her about her boyfriend and she told me she broke up with him that night and she wanted me to visit. I was intrigued; however, I was also broke. I told her I had never bought a girl a drink, let alone a plane ticket. In my mind sex is only good if it takes less than twenty minutes travel time to get. But she had a solution. She offered to fly me up there and take care of me for a few days. I thought that sounded pretty interesting. There are two rules that I live my life by. The first is: Take lots of naps. The second is: Never say no to a bad idea. Well, this idea sounded terrible, so how could I say no? I packed a bag, printed out my eticket and flew up to Seattle on her dime. We spent the majority of our time dining on the best vegan food the northwest has to provide and doing other things that would make a cigarstore Indian blush. I enjoyed myself. I think. At the very least it was a horrible idea, which is exactly what I had in mind. And when I got back I had a full belly, an extra couple thousand frequent flyer miles, and a rash, that thankfully turned out to be nothing more than rug-burn. But as the plane landed and I was once again in contact, both metaphorically and physically, with the world, it hit me. I had just been taken advantage of. I had been used, like some expensive sex toy, until she had gotten what she wanted. And all it cost her was a four-hundred dollar plane ticket and a half-dozen meals. At least now I know what I’m worth. Priceless? Hardly. Five-hundred bucks and I’m all yours. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

ASI Senator

he Lavender Graduation celebration proposed by the Rainbow Alliance is the latest $3,445 entry in our university’s list of ASI-sponsored (and student funded) special graduation celebrations for minorities and historically disadvantaged cultural groups. If you are not knowledgeable about student event funding, I will fill you in on an open secret: The Associated Students is conned yearly into paying thousands for Black, Latino, and Pacific Islander graduation celebrations under the premise of advancing the vague goal of cultural diversity. Because of subjectivity and an unwillingness to define “culture,” “disadvantaged,” or “diversity,” any half-baked event proposed by student organizations may receive hundreds or thousands of dollars if its goals can be remotely credited with the advancement of cultural diversity or minority interests. $3,445 is hardly chump change for most students, but students are played for chumps when their Associated Students representatives spend the students’ money on well-meaning but entirely fruitless events like the Lavender Graduation celebration that provide nothing more than a pat on the back for “cultural” groups. Every year CSULB’s students have thousands of their dollars dedicated to special graduation celebrations for minorities and disadvantaged cultural groups. These wellintentioned programs provide much-deserved public congratulations for disadvantaged students who make it to graduation shouldering the weighty burden of society’s discrimination, and provide an extra opportunity for these graduates to celebrate their success among cultural peers. Although these goals are noble, the university’s students cannot realistically afford to throw thousands of dollars at celebrations for every new group that identifies itself as a culture and cannot have the legitimacy of this claim checked against real criteria. Instead, cultural groups, including the LGBT community, should fund graduation celebrations by seeking donations from successful entrepreneurs and alumni that belong to their group. Disadvantaged minority and cultural groups ought to continue seeking funds, and ASI student representatives should respond by funding proposed events that further equality and tolerance in society. Groups like the Rainbow Alliance should reconsider wasting $3,445 on rainbow tassels and the

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

like for events like the Lavender Graduation celebration because these feel-good events do not provide tangible results in return for the students’ investment. Instead of using thousands of student dollars to divide students with segregated self-congratulatory group events, student funds dedicated to advancing cultural diversity should be applied toward potent events like discussion panels and bringing renowned speakers on campus to unite students around the lofty cause of extending equal human rights for all. CSULB students must advocate imposing real standards to determine what constitutes culture and its advancement so that student funds may be allocated for worthwhile cultural events with tangible goals—and not given to groups of friends wishing to have parties at the student body’s expense. I encourage students to voice their concerns about student organization funding and demand reasonable criteria and accountability from their ASI representatives. ASI Senators are required a minimum of three office hours a week in USU-311. Students pay for the office and are welcome to stop by any time. ASI representatives look forward to your input. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Random Rants On Gas-Guzzling Trucks: Unnecessarily large trucks may look “cool” to some people, but look at what they really do to the environment. They guzzle up so much fucking gas that it makes it ridiculously hard to slow down global warming. And the fact that you drive 90 on the freeway and cut people off whenever you feel like it doesn’t make you look like a badass, it makes you look like a dumbass. I think I’m stating the obvious when I say that the person driving the truck probably doesn’t give a shit about global warming or saving energy. But hey, I understand people’s needs to compensate for their small dicks with large trucks. But as a result, you’ve just successfully killed a polar bear. Congratulations.

-Annalisa Brizuela

On Last Minute Space-Filler: It really toasts my marshmallows when I’m almost done with my page and I find out I’m one stick short of a bundle—or one random rant short of a completed Opinions page, and I’ve got to write one myself. Aaargh!

-Erin Hickey Upset About Something? Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students who may or may not give a shit). Send your one hundred-word rants to: erin@ lbunion.com and see ‘em in print.

Scarf’s European Travel Guide: Lagos, Portugal As a disclaimer I have to say that this city has almost no history. It was the first place slaves were sold in Europe and it has some old city walls, but besides that there are no museums or sites. This city is for parties. I arrived after the victory of Portugal over England; the streets were filled with honking cars and Portuguese flags. I checked in and headed to the bar across the street and started the drinking. I only planned on staying one day. After three days of visiting the dozens of clubs in the white-walled old town and laying out on the picturesque, crystal clear Atlantic beaches waiting for the hangover to fade, I realized that I wasn’t just drunk from the free flowing beer, but from the laid back atmosphere and the love of fun. A fair amount of the summer residents are extremely friendly Americans, British, and Australian college students, wasting their summer away in the warmth and enjoying the salty, relaxing air as expatriates. I made about a dozen friends within three days and would definitely recommend this city as a welcomed break from the museum tours and worries of travel.

-Michaël “Scarf” Veremans

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

12 March 2007

Sports

Quote O’ The Week “I don’t know man, like 200.”

~Aaron Nixon on how many tickets he is going to need for the ‘Niners first-round game in Columbus, his home town.

Nothin’ Finer Than A Dancin’ Niner

After a season full of ups, downs, suspensions, scrutiny and job security, the Long Beach State Men’s Basketball team is going to the Big Dance after winning the Big West Tournament, while the woman’s team made a good showing as well.

Photos By Ryan Kobane Travon Free, Sterling Byrd, Kevin Houston and Lou Darby want to get close to the hardware. Long Beach to Columbus: Not really that far. Roadie, baby!

By Ryan ZumMallen BeachBall Guru

Straight

ong Beach State’s first trip to the NCAA Tournament since 1995 wasn’t official when they sealed the Big West regular season title. It wasn’t official when they earned an automatic bye into the conference tournament semifinals, or when they defeated UC Irvine to advance to the championship game. It wasn’t even official when the buzzer sounded on the 49ers’ 94-83 victory over Cal Poly SLO in Saturday’s tournament finale. One by one, each member of the team ascended up a ladder to cut off individual pieces of the net, and Aaron Nixon held his tournament MVP trophy in one hand and the Big West championship in the other. When senior Kevin Houston clutched the title trophy, staring into the giant golden basketball at his own reflection, the culmination of a four-year career that saw him go 6-21 as a freshman 49er, then it was official. “Who would’ve ever thought?” he said. “After my first year here, when we went 6-21, who would’ve ever thought?” Few would have believed that the 49ers would win the Big West title and earn an automatic bid to the NCAA Tournament when Houston began his playing days at Long Beach State in 2003. But Saturday night’s victory over Cal Poly SLO wrapped up one of CSULB’s most successful seasons in history, and will send them to the NCAA Tournament for the first time in twelve years. Aaron Nixon was solid in both games and engineered the title game victory, netting 29 points and snatching 11 boards. But it was 6th man Mark Dawson who provided the team’s biggest spark. Dawson picked the perfect time to have his best two games of the season; blocking shots in spectacular fashion, pulling down rebounds with authority, playing stellar defense and energizing Long Beach with two outstanding dunks. In the first half he used his freakish length and athleticism to two-hand stuff an errant shot, and in the middle of a 49er run in the second half, Dawson displayed mad boosties and threw down a Kevin Houston lob that we all thought was too

with

ROOF

JJ Fiddler

Please don’t pinch me. While attempting to shake off my hangover on Sunday morning (both emotional and alcohol induced) I watched the Ohio State vs. Wisconsin first half. And every time the “Big West Champions: Long Beach State” scrolled across the bottom of the screen, I made sure to look, and smile. No matter what was going on in the game I just had to glance at MY UNIVERSITY’S name on national television for the entire world to see. ESPNEWS had us on the breaking news section next to the real time ticker, “Long Beach St wins Big West champ.” and of course I took a picture of it. We’re goin’ dancin’ baby, and even if you are not a sports

12 March 2007

high. The 6’9” center finished with 12 points and 10 boards. After a night of basking in the glory of victory, the team learned that they will face the University of Tennessee in Columbus, Ohio on Friday. Many were surprised that Long Beach earned the South Region #12 seed, including regular season and tournament MVP Aaron Nixon. “I thought we’d be a thirteen or fourteen,” he said. Besides being thrilled at the unexpected seeding, Nixon was also excited to be headed back to Columbus, his hometown, estimating the number of tickets he’ll need for friends and family at, “Probably 200.” The world stopped for a second for CSULB, as the giant basketball trophy made its way around the team to Aaron Nixon. Long Beach’s golden boy stared hard at his golden reflection, student fans in a raucous frenzy around him, running up to exchange pounds and offer congratulations. The university had been waiting to see this pandemonium for over a decade. Guard Kejuan Johnson, who put in 24 points in the final victory, was far from satisfied, though. “Hell nah,” he said. “We ain’t done yet.” * * * Maybe the team finally came together as they knew they could. Maybe shots that weren’t falling all season finally did. Or maybe Karina Figueroa was more than slightly peeved that she wasn’t named to the Big West All-First Team. Whatever the case, Fig & the crew played extremely well in three conference tournament games, winning two before falling to eventual champions UC Riverside in the semifinals. The Beach rallied after a disappointing 8-22 season to upset UC Irvine and Cal Poly SLO in the opening two rounds. They scored an uncharacteristically high 76 and 70 points in the two victories before falling to Riverside, 5953. With the entire squad coming back next year, the ladies look to build on this new found confidence. Questions? Comments? Send your questions to fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

fan you should be excited. The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is a mecca of American sport. A university, which is worthy, receives a ticket to the dance, money and attention for their season’s efforts. That is us. We are them. I don’t know how else to say it. After watching Selection Sunday all my life, my university was on it this year. Unheard of! Unbelievable! * * * I got to The Nugget around 2 p.m. on Sunday (that’s 1 p.m. body time, plus a vicious hangover in tow) to watch Selection Sunday with the team and a few loyal fans. To my, and everyone else’s surprise, the pub was packed with more than 100 Long Beach fans ready to see “Long Beach State” placed on a bracket. * * * So, we are a No. 12 seed, taking on No. 5 Tennessee University in Columbus, Ohio. That’s a 5,000-mile round trip, and a select few of the Union’s editorial staff will be making the roadie. Question, how many days does it take

to drive to Ohio? And if you ever needed proof that the NCAA selection committee takes into account story lines and sub plot when deciding seedings and placement, look at Long Beach State traveling to Big West Player of the Year Aaron Nixon’s home town of Columbus to take on Bruce Pearl and Tennessee, a coach Larry Reynolds lost to in a Division II Championship game earlier in their careers. * * * Forgive my delusions of grandeur, but looking at our season’s story and the history of our program, I can’t help but think of a little school called Gonzaga. Like the Zags, we are a small school whose basketball team has recently run into success. Like the Zags, a prolific scorer anchors us, and like the Zags we have a solid fan base of donors and students. Gonzaga has continued to succeed, and they are going to the Tournament again this year. Why should we do any different? SEE YOU IN COLUMBUS!!!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Photo Courtesy of Bloc Party

Monday12

Bright Eyes Gets Scleritis

The Sword at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $10 Metal Skool at the Key Club LA â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $15 Epmd at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $26.50

Tuesday13 Taking Back Sunday at the Bren Events Center â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $23 William Tell at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $10 Aaron Lewis at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $40 Anberlin at the El Rey â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $14.50 Youth Group at Spaceland â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $10 Billy Connolly at the Brentwood Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $50-75 Hatebreed at the Avalon â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 6pm $22 Patty Griffin at the Wiltern â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $38.50 Poptropolis at the HOB Sunset â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8.30pm $8

Wednesday14 Aaron Lewis at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $40 My Chemical Romance at the Selland Arena â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $28.25 Billy Connolly at the Brentwood Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $50-75 Dr. Dog at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $10

Thursday15 Eddie Money at the Coach House â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $29.50 Head Automatica at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $13 Perish at the Galaxy Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $10 Billy Connolly at the Brentwood Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $50-75 West Coast Alliance at the Save Mart Center â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $20 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 100

Friday16 Sir Mix-a-Lot at Velvet Jones â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $20 Wayne Newton at the Canyon Club â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $62.50 The Zombies at the Henry Fonda â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $45 Evanescence at the Selland Arena â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $24.25 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 32.25 Young Dubliners at the Key Club â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $22 Stephen Lynch at the Avalon â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8.30pm $29.50 Koffin Kats at the Showcase Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $10 Slim Jim Phantom at the Galaxy Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $15 Billy Connolly at the Brentwood Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $50-75 Metal Skool at the Key Club Morongo â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $15 George Clinton at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $36 Clipse at the El Rey â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $21.50 Twilight of the Gods IX at the Knitting Factory â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $5

Saturday17 Eric Clapton at the Pond â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.30pm $55 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 125 The Ambulance at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7.45pm $10 Notorious at Velvet Jones â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $10 The Presets at the Ex Plx â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $15 Epitaph Tour 2007 at the El Rey â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $12 The Fenians at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $22.50 Three Bad Jacks at the Glass House â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $12 No Fear Tour at the HOB Sunset â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $23 The Zombies at the Grove â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $41 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 46 Ollin at Spaceland â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $10 Fat Lenny at the Knitting Factory â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 9pm $5 Billy Connolly at the Brentwood Theatre â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $50-75

The Faint performs at Long Beachâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Vault 350

orse than seeing a great artist at a venue insufficient to highlight their talent is seeing a great artist on an off night, and last Thursday that is exactly what the crowd at the El Rey saw. Each ticket holder of the sold out Bright Eyes show got to stand in a stale room for three hours watching substandard performances while getting a contact high. My frustration was jump-started with the help of the two opening bands, Annie Stela and Vetiver. Annie Stela, reminiscent of Ben Folds Five meets Alanis Morissette, sang five songs all pertaining to her broken heart, her crushed heart, or growing up broken-hearted in Michigan. I am sure that deep down inside this gal is a really awesome person, and may even be a blast to hang out with, but she puts on an undeniably bad show. Sitting at a keyboard decorated with a lackluster string of green Christmas lights, Stela belted out the same note over and over again like an annoying bird outside your window on a sleepy Sunday morning. The only difference being you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t throw a Koosh ball at Annie Stela to make her go away. Despite the fact that the crowd had already waited an hour to see Stela go on, there was a second opening band that didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take the stage until 10:15. So, now Vetiver comes on with a bunch of guys and a banjo, something I would be into on any other day, but I really just wanted a giant novelty cane to pull them off stage so the real show could start. The band proceeded to play five songs that were each twelve minutes long, allowing all of the weed smokers in the middle of the crowd to provide some ambient smoke for their performance, which was similar to The Sadies if they tried to be Built to Spill, ending each song with an all-out jam session.

Finally, three hours after we had arrived Bright Eyes came out. Now, the El Rey is a really cute venue. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cute because itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s small, it has pretty chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and people like Kirsten Dunst seem to go there every other night. It is the perfect place for artists like Pinback or Cat Power to play because they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need much space to perform and they tend to be more mellow when it comes to crowd participation. But, when a band that becomes emotionally charged by the music plays the El Rey, it can be a frustration. Normally a very dynamic and attention-grabbing lead, Conor Oberst seemed to meld into the bland lighting from the very start. The set started out with a marathon of songs off of the new Four Winds EP, including a solid rendition of the title track, but the crowd seemed to want to hear something more familiar. After twenty minutes Oberst finally started â&#x20AC;&#x153;We Are Nowhere, And Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Now,â&#x20AC;? sending the crowd into a gleeful frenzy, but he stopped four lines in saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;no, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wanna play that one.â&#x20AC;? That pretty much summed up the entire evening. There was constant reference to the great show they had played there the night before, and that was obviously the show to see. What the Thursday night crowd got was a disinterested singer trying to promote his six new songs, while improvising the rest of the show with slapdash effort. It was a major disappointment to see a guy who is normally so into the show and his words being indifferent to everything. While Bright Eyes isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the kind of band to put on a circus, I was expecting at least the same enthusiasm I had seen at previous shows of theirs. In all honesty, it would have been more interesting to watch Conor prepare and eat his morning bagel. -By Katie Wynne

0ARTY 3AFE THIS 3T 0ATRICKS $AY

Sunday18 Street Dogs at the Troubadour â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 8pm $12 Tyla with the Beggars at the Knitting Factory â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 10pm $7 Clipse at the HOB Anaheim â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 7pm $17.50

Long Beach Union Weekly â&#x20AC;˘ The Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Newspaper

12 March 2007

Clinic Performs Musical Vasectomy Clinic, Seawolf play the Troubadour

never seem to factor traffic into my driving plans. Clinic’s first opener was set to take the stage at eight-thirty, so I figured I’d get there with time to spare if I left Long Beach by six-thirty, right? Wrong. I arrived at the Troubadour a little after nine, convinced our press tickets would be gone—after all, it was a sold out show—and dashed inside, just in time to catch opener, Earlimart’s last two songs. When I finally caught my breath for long enough to look around, I realized the venue was all but empty. True, Clinic wasn’t set to take the stage until ten, but it was a sold out show in a standing room only venue; I expected at least a few fans to be there early. Most of the audience arrived around ten-thirty, cramming into the venue at the last minute before Clinic began playing, which was fortunate in retrospect, as it allowed me to enjoy the surprisingly good opening bands—Clinic fans are about as pleasant as they are punctual. As Seawolf (the second opener) left the stage, and Clinic’s roadies set the stage, a series of drunken yells erupted through the audience. They were, for the most part, the standard frat-boy declarations of, “This band fuckin’ rocks!” but one scream in particular stood out. I’ve never been able to refer to a scream as bloodcurdling until now, but it’s the only accurate description. This scream was met with a peal of laughter, and it launched a series of copycat screams that continued well into Clinic’s set. The Liverpool natives took the stage in their standard uniform: scrubs, top hats and surgical masks (lead vocalist, Ade Blackburn, had a mouth hole cut out of his to accommodate his singing and melodica-playing). Though they looked the same as they did in their press photos, the doctor outfits seemed a little more gimmicky than usual, and the fog machine and strobe lights left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Maybe it was the fact that Earlimart and Seawolf were such hard acts to follow, or maybe it was the obnoxious screaming fans, but Clinic’s set was pretty disappointing. Though they were well rehearsed, they seemed detached from the audience. They played their songs undeniably well, but failed to adjust their volume for a

12 March 2007

New Beastie Boys Album!

Apparently, these guys are the Radiohead of whiteguy hip-hop: The Beastie Boys have decided they can release new albums whenever the fuck they want, regardless of how many years have gone by.

New Iron & Wine Album!

Garden State Soundtrack contributor and sleepyeyed troubadour Sam Beam has revealed that his next album will be titled Shepherd’s Dog, and hipsters everywhere will have one more album to listen to whilst doing it with their girlfriends.

Decemberists’ Meloy Judges Book Tourney Colin Meloy, habitué of the literary world, will be judging an old-school tournament of books. Meloy is to read two different books (both from 2006), and decide which he likes better based not only on the content of the books, but on the physical prowess of the respective authors. venue as intimate as the Troubadour: both the lyrics and the subtleties of the music were drowned out by the overpowering loudness of the notes. The show wasn’t terrible—Clinic are a great band, and the show was enjoyable enough, but their live shows have been builtup to such mythic proportions by fans and reviewers alike, that they couldn’t help but disappoint. If I had it to do over, I’d still have gone to the show (and I’d probably have liked Clinic’s performance better too, since my expectations wouldn’t be as high), but I would’ve considered traffic, left Long Beach earlier, and made sure to catch all of Earlimart’s exceptionally good set. -By Erin Hickey

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Ryan Adams to play Stonehenge

No, I’m not kidding. The man will be playing a concert at fucking Stonehenge. I wonder what seating is going to be like. Hopefully it’s stadium.

Feist Releases New Album

French-Canadian songstress and Broken Social Scene alumnus Feist has a new LP, The Reminder, due out May 1st, to which hipsters will do it with their girlfriends until the Iron & Wine album comes out. -By Sean Boulger

his Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day. To assist in your binge drinking, members of The Union editorial staff and myself initiated a Tuesday night pub crawl, hitting up all of the Belmont Shore-area Irish pubs for a drink and recording our findings. The results were tragic.

bic. The bathrooms are too small; their steps, according to my scribbling on a coaster, are “all-up-ons”. Regardless, the porch, $4 black and tans, and the Hall of Hops are reason enough to check this place out.

7:16pm - Limerick’s - 5734 E. 2nd Street

Food break. Archibald’s is open and has everything. I pay $3 for a cheeseburger, Brian gets a breakfast burrito, and Jeff orders an absurdly large heap of chili-cheese fries. We eat, read The Union, then help ourselves to the restroom around the back, which, for one reason or another, is wallpapered with inspirational posters. Wayne Gretzky tells me that I miss 100% of the shots I do not take, and I believe him. The night will go to hell from here.

After taking the Long Beach Passport “D” from campus, Brian Dunning, Jeff Gould and yours truly end up at Limerick’s Irish Pub, a bulky little beer bar on the outskirts of Belmont Shore, just west of PCH on 2nd Street. We pay $5 for a pint each and take a gander. Inside, Limerick’s is cluttered and stuffy. There is a large jar of pickled eggs on the short bar, peanut shells covering the floor, and a hurried bartender. Standard old-timey bar art is peppered on the grainy wood wall, including a collection of Guinness posters, as well as novelty decor like the antique metal piano, fat tire bike, and full sized canoe fastened to the wall. The place feels like a locals only dive, most of the locals being middle-aged men in denim shorts (although it is 7pm on a Tuesday). A waiter informs us that although they will not be having any drink specials for St. Patty’s, the place is sure to be packed.

7:48pm - 2nd Street Sidewalk As we embark on what would be the second longest walk of the night, Miles Lemaire and his corn cob pipe join our crew. If we had known then, in those earliest stages of the night, that our trek would claim a life, that only three would again see the sun rise over pale sky, would we have pressed on? Would we have waltzed head-first into certain doom? Prolly.

8:01 - Shannon’s - 5335 E. 2nd Street

10:06 - Yankee Doodles - 4100 E. Ocean Blvd. A little bit of a side trip. The four of us have been drinking long enough so that our priority is to continue drinking rather than responsibly report our findings. But who were we kidding, really? Do not go to Yankee Doodles. It should be in Orlando. It feels like a place divorced dads would take their kids. The only thing to do is order a pitcher of Stella Artois for $10.75 and sing karaoke...at the table...a good fifteen yards from where karaoke is actually taking place.

10:33 - Belmont Brewery - 25 39th Place. Jeff takes us here. At this point my notes become unreliable. I do not write anything except “great mfing beer,” which I remember to be correct. We share a pitcher of pale ale, brewed in-house. Late night happy hour is from 8:30-10:30 Monday-Friday, weekends 8:30-10.

10:57 - The long walk. It is still early and we are making our way to Broadway. We pass a sorority house where a girl is carrying a large load of laundry to her front door. Miles keeps on shouting “Yeah, I know how that is!”, referring, I assume, to doing laundry, but also to sex...I guess. She cannot get inside fast enough. Where are we now? Yes, Broadway, passing the Reno Room. I jot down inappropriate things Jeff is saying about a word that rhymes with clit.

8:24 - Quinn’s - 200 Nieto Ave @ 2nd

11:22 - Gallagher’s - 2751 E. Broadway

On to my favorite bar of the night. Quinn’s is tucked away just off 2nd Street; the kind of place you won’t find unless you are looking for it. It feels like an actual European pub: small, and friendly, with a good beer selection, including Karl Strauss Red Trolley and Stone IPA draft. Another $5.50 for black and tans when Laura, the owner, joins our table. She gives us the scoop on Quinn’s St. Patty’s festivities, which include bagpipes, sandwiches, and the night’s first mention of green beer. They are planning for a packed house, tables will be cleared and port-apottys set up around back. However, Quinn’s is only open from 10am-10pm, so get here early and start the night off right!

I do not even know what we are doing here. It is big and Irish and empty. $20 and four more black and tans. My notes say “I dunno, s’okay” and “Jeff has respect for Sam Adams.” Steven Carey joins the crew in a full suit. It is last call and we are leaving.

Not much can be said about Murphy’s that is not already common knowledge. It is the largest Irish bar on 2nd, and will most likely be Belmont Shore’s go-to place this Saturday. The most notable part of Murphy’s is its large outside porch that overlooks 2nd street. It is perfect for cigarette breaks and/or hollering at bitches and large enough to hold a decent amount of drunkards without feeling claustropho-

The Irish!

9:29 - Archibald’s - 4600 E. 2nd Street

A walk to shoo away any hint of a buzz and we are in Shannon’s. Shannon’s is the type of place that will pretend it is of the Ol’ Country come St. Patty’s, but she is not fooling anyone. She belongs in downtown Fullerton. An elongated bar and a recently renovated garage-cum-game room make up the joint. With maybe eight feet of walking space between the bar and far wall, Shannon’s is sure to resemble a sheep pen on weekends. $6 a piece for black and tans and we toast to Life, Love and Treason, then pull a “thisplace-is-dead-anyways” and head off.

9:02 - Murphy’s - 4918 E. 2nd Street

Drink Like

12:03 - O’Connell’s - 2746 E. 4th Street The last stop: A cash-only bar with either 2 or 3 pool tables. Cozy, I remember, with a stout bartender. We order 4 Jameson and sodas and stare at them mournfully. Jeff drinks them all. It is decided we all need to go home, and Brian pickpockets a pair of keys as we are leaving. The second we are outside, he hops into a white 1987 Ford Tempo. Screaming what I would later recognize as passages from Gibran’s The Prophet, he drives towards the intersection and, in a bit of tragic irony, straight into a red double decker bus.

12:32 - Night’s End For shame.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

-By Darren Davis

Black & Tan Float half of a pint of Guinness on top of half a pint of Harp.

Black & Blue Float half of a pint of Guinness on top of half a pint of Blue Moon Belgian White.

Irish Black & Tan Float half of a pint of Guinness on top of half a pint of Smithwicks (pronounced “Smithicks”) Draught.

Half & Half Float half of a pint of Guinness on top of half a pint of Bass Ale

Irish Carbomb Float 1/2oz of Bailey’s Irish Cream on top of half a pint of Guinness then drop a 1oz shot of Irish Whiskey* into the glass and drink as quickly as possible.

Baby Guinness Float 1/2oz of Bailey’s Irish Cream on top of 2.5oz of Tia Maria. It looks just like a mini Guinness!

Irish Coffee Grab a half-full cup of hot coffee, add half as much Irish Whiskey* and top with a nip of fresh cream and a spoonful of brown sugar.

Whiskey & Water An Irish Staple. Irish Whiskey*, water, and ice. Sláinte! *Which Irish Whiskey you choose is really up to preference; but a general rule of thumb is Jameson for the Catholics and Bushmills for the Protestants.

12 March 2007

Pub-Crawl Adventure Map! Follow our Pub-Crawl Adventure map to find your own pot of golden vomit at the end of a rainbow of booze!

1. Limerick’s - 5734 E. 2nd Street - (562) 439-6507 2. Shannon’s - 5335 E. 2nd Street - (562) 433-5901 3. Quinn’s - 200 Nieto Ave (at 2nd Street) - (562) 434-2606 4. Murphy’s - 4918 E. 2nd Street - (562) 433-6338 5. Yankee Doodles - 4100 E. Ocean Blvd - (562) 439-9777 6. Belmont Brewing Co. - 25 39th Place - (562) 433-3891 7. Gallagher’s - 2751 E. Broadway - (562) 856-8000 8. O’Connell’s - 2746 E. 4th Street - (562)433-5068

This is the cover you would have seen for this week’s issue, had the Men’s Basketball team not won the Big West Championship in Anaheim this past weekend. Congrats again to the team, and a big thanks to Jeff Gould for putting this cover together, even though it had to be scaled down to a third it’s original size.

Daily Specials

Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

JOIN US FOR LAKERS, COLLEGE HOOPS Bloody Marys & Irish Coffee

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 12 March 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Creative Arts

By Philip Vargas

As I drank the last drop, I found myself feeling slightly stranger than when I had begun. Before, I felt lonely and buried beneath the darkness that had enveloped my life in the aftermath of my brother’s death. Depression had run deep in our family and now it seemed that I found myself walking the path that my father and brother had tread before me. The bottle seemed to bring me a sense of comfort in the gloominess of the dank bar, that never seemed to change wherever I would go. One round, two round, fifteen, in the dazed stumbling and conversations they all seemed to bleed together. Time was no longer my friend, leaving me for days at a time as I found myself in the bar one minute and an alley the next, wallowing in my own filth. But I no longer cared; as long as I had my friend in hand, nothing else really existed. That’s around the time that I had found that things weren’t what they once had been. In the beginning I would be the one doing the drinking but now the bottle was the one drinking me. Each day I lost a little more of my self in the bottom of the bottle, till one day there was nothing left. Now I stare aimlessly at the shadows, finding myself in a tomb of brown glass and emptiness.

One More Drink By Philip Vargas

One more drink and then I’m through The glass glistens in the fluorescent light I stumble along through a bar room fight Always searching for you One more trip to a green lush grave Another one of my buddies gone We’ve sung our last Irish song And tasted the last drop that we all crave

Foggy Memories By Philip Vargas As the night continued much was forgotten but still fragments come through the foggy haze. As the monkeys beat drums in my head, I remember that in my charming arrogance I dazzled my friends. I jumped on the bar and danced to the music that no one else could hear. As we walked along the beating pulse of the night, my feats of glory began to grow and grow. The last thing I remember I escorted a charming beauty to my room where we merged as one. Why is it now that as I turn in my bed, this mangy wildebeest sleeps where once a beautiful damsel lay?

This is it The end has come We are done Well maybe… One More

Beerku By Jeff Gould

Hoppy and bitter Arrogance is now defined The strong man enjoys A gargoyle to guard Your precious concavity A mighty substance Amber brown darkness Your hue deepens in the light Forewarning drinkers Potency beyond What is found in average glass A night is forgot

Gone Drinkin’

Liquid Relief

Arrogant bastard You rich ill tempered brown beast I loathe and love thee

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

12 March 2007

From Hell

By Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell

By Frank Miller

Top Shelf Publications 560 Pages $35.00

Dark Horse 88 Pages $30.00

Reviewed by Mike Pallotta

Reviewed by James Kislingbury

f you haven’t seen the dozens of trailers or posters dropped onto society this past month, Frank Miller’s (Sin City, Batman: Year One) 300 is the tale of 300 Spartans (with roughly 7,000 other Greek volunteers) defending their homeland against a Persian army that numbers in the tens of thousands. From the first page, it is clear that this isn’t an underdog story where our heroes overcome incredible odds, this is a story where the underdog gets crushed under the heel of an emperor gone mad. Frank Miller’s name as a writer and an artist has become synonymous with unapologetic machismo. 300 reads like a colored version of Sin City with swords instead of Berettas and Greeks instead of prostitutes (with hearts of gold, mind you). Where this comic differs from Sin City is that the action is not for personal reasons, but to save the integrity of an entire civilization. Miller’s weakness and strength is that he doesn’t have much range as a writer. It’s a weakness because what he hits, he tends to hit repea-

tedly. It’s his strength, because although the types of stories he tells are few, there are few others that can write noble (or sometimes meaningless) violence as well as Miller can. The Spartans fit perfectly into Miller’s niche – they’re as brave as they are violent and obsessive as they are noble. While they might make for terrible drinking buddies, they are brilliant reading material. Watching these ancient killing machines perform their vocation against Persian ninjas, elephants and slavers is exhilarating. Each page of battle adds up to an incredible ending that as dire as it is, still leaves the reader with some hope and with awe for what these men died for. This is the best piece of work Miller has done since Batman: Year One. The story of sacrifice and courage unfolds beautifully on the book’s extra large pages. There are as many flaws in this book as there are in a Spartan phalanx (read: few). 300 is not only a masterwork of the sword and sandals genre, but is among one of the great pieces of graphic literature written in the past fifteen years.

QUIZNO’S

Originally released over the span of 9 years, and finally collected in 1999 as a 572 page graphic novel, From Hell is widely regarded by historians as the most complete account of the Jack the Ripper murders. Taking place in 1880s London, Moore’s story leaves no stone unturned and makes no attempt to hide the facts in order to make this a mystery; the mystery has been built up over the past 100 years, we don’t need it anymore. Acknowledging this, Moore introduces the character that will later be given the nickname “Jack the Ripper” and immediately explains his motives behind the killings. Eddie Campbell’s scratchy, chaotic style of drawing the murder scenes and gruesome aftermath with sharp lines of ink gives the book a feel of authenticity and reality. Campbell’s art goes hand in hand with Moore’s keen sense of pacing, using more than the average amount of panels per page to show pacing, and making the situations at hand that much more suspenseful. Moore also knows when to let the book get text heavy, explaining the thorough history of London (which leads into why the murders are happening in the first place), and when to let Campbell’s

art take over and tell the story panel by panel, much like in a movie when the camera moves in on a single object. From Hell is an intricately woven, extremely well thought out graphic novel giving deep insight into what might have actually happened. So much so, that you can’t help but believe that this is the truest account of what took place, creating a near bulletproof scenario for the murders and what lead up to them along with the identity of Jack the Ripper himself. It’s easy to see why it was so hard for anyone to unravel the mystery of Jack for so long, he had an air of mysticism around him, an untouchable mythic quality; but when someone gathers ALL the facts and pieces it together in the ten year span that Alan Moore did, you’re left with the truth. Which makes a really fucking good book.

(on campus)

Now Hiring! Quizno’s in the University Dining Plaza is now

Under New Ownership & Management (as of 2.22.07)

Looking for

Hard-Working Applicants

good pay & flexible hours! Call John @ (213) 219-8725 12 March 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

300

is the best video-game cut scene of all time. Really. There’s no film this year that looks better than 300. And—oh fuck, guess what—there’s tons of blood in this movie. Rhinos die. Asian orc beasties get the piss taken out of them on a mass scale. Heads are loosed from bodies in slooooooooow mooooootioooon. Honestly, the best music video I’ve ever seen. I missed the POD songs in the background though. My only real complaint is that the movie is too short. Usually my Pepsi-fucked attention span doesn’t allow me to focus on things for more than three minutes and—fuck Zodiac was long and boooooring—oh look, an oily rainbow puddle! That shit’s gorgeous. Anyway, another movie that was way longer started playing after 300. It was about these motorcycle-riding friends. I laughed the roof of my balls off and then I realized I’d only seen the preview for 300 and that I’d paid to see last week’s box-office champ, Wild Hogs. Boy was my face red! I was so embarrassed by my filmic boner that all I could think of were black jokes! I still loved 300 though. I feel like there’s nothing in that trailer that isn’t in the movie. But I’m sure that at some point in the real movie they make you care about the characters and probably show some tits. They couldn’t possibly make a two hour-long movie that’s nothing more than larynx rattling dialogue and pretty images. They would have to make you care about the characters at some point, wouldn’t they? Maybe not. I guess it worked for Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. You know what else is great about 300? That shitty looking mutant guy. The whole time, before he showed up, I was thinking that the movie really needed a sub-par Gollum character sculpted in PlayDoh. Someone should tell Quaid to turn Mars’ air back on before that poor, misunderstood deus-ex machina suffocates. Anyway, I just got one of the posters to hang in my dorm room. Looking at it really brings back a lot of memories from the movie. They’re both very pretty, very flat and keep my heart beating at a steady, emotionless pace. Oh, and they’re both in sloooooow motioooooooon! I actually think the pace of the poster is a little faster than the movie, but whatever. THIS! IS! ENDED!

’m not saying that if you didn’t like 300 you’re a sarcastic movie snob, but I will say that if you’re a sarcastic movie snob, there’s a decent chance you won’t like 300. Being a sarcastic book snob who primarily attends movies to have a good time/be entertained, I loved it. Then again, when I go to movies, it’s never to critique the film, it’s to enjoy it. And there is plenty to enjoy about 300–much of the action is beautifully choreographed, and the oft-used slow motion gave me plenty of time to look at it; unlike most huge fight scenes, the camera tended to linger long enough on each character that I had no trouble following what was going on. I also have to say it’s nice to finally see a fantasy/war film that has no Orlando Bloom type in it. Every man of the 300 looks like the archetype of the “warrior,” dripping with the kind of raw machismo that 300 author Frank Miller always deals in. While I appreciate this aspect of realism, what may be the movie’s biggest flaw for me was that, like Robert Rodriguez’s Sin City, it may have been too faithful to its source material. There is a tendency with adapting Frank Miller’s work to film directly from the comic (would that Alan Moore or other comic writers were so lucky). Were there things wrong with 300? I’m not going to pretend there aren’t; there was an awful lot of slow motion, the dialogue was often pure shite, and it was very heavily influenced by Lord of the Rings, as I guess most movies of this kind for the next decade will be. We got the Gimli/Legolas “How many have you killed?” banter, the extended shots of a troubled king, and the stalking-in-the-shadows Gollum–I mean, Ephialtes. Still, none of these things ever became more important to me than the movie as a whole: a beautifully shot war film that shows how a tragedy, with the right motivations, can be more glorious than it is tragic. 300 is a humongous movie, bursting with vitality, that always feels like it’s going to pop out the sides of the screen. Reactions to it have been split, with many of my friends ranking it among their favorite movies in recent history, and many decrying it as too slow, and boring. I find it hard to understand the latter claim, but as I said, while I’m aware that every movie has its flaws, and that thousands of decisions go into the movie, I don’t focus on those things: I’m not a filmmaker, I’m a moviegoer. And if you lose the forest for the trees, and focus on the negatives of a movie, then what’s the point of paying money to see them? Every piece of creative art should be judged by its own aesthetic; 300 set out to be a loud, dramatic story of 300 loud, dramatic soldiers. By any standards, it achieved that measure. What more could I have asked of it?

- By Mike Guardabascio

-By Miles Lemaire

FRank Miller : The Man Behind The Masks

Easily one of the coolest men in Hollywood, Frank Miller made the transition from comic book icon to Hollywood’s favorite writer in 2005 with the release of Sin City. Since then production companies have been fighting tooth and nail to snatch any one of the many comics that he’s written/drawn over the past twenty five years. His comics have inspired and entertained many for years. Tim Burton based much of the first Batman film on what Miller wrote in Batman: Dark Knight Returns and Christopher Nolan followed suit by taking a lot of what he wrote in another Batman book (Batman: Year One) and adapting it for Batman Begins. Miller has been behind the scenes of Hollywood for years, inspiring actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Nicolas Cage, along with directors like Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino, who are all known comic fans. Each have been quoted over the years as giving praise to Miller’s work while also crediting him as a big

reason why comics are more than just reading material for commercial breaks during Saturday morning cartoons. Miller has made prior attempts towards taking a crack at making movies. In the late ‘80s he wrote a draft of Robocop 2, injecting his style of hard-boiled action into obscene scenarios (the fucking main character is a half man/half robot cop for fuck’s sake). He also has a knack for writing good dialogue with well-placed expletives. However well-written any one of his scripts were, the quality of the movie always came down to the director and the studio. Both decided to have a number of other writers come in and re-work what Miller had crafted. When Robocop 2 finally came out it wasn’t well received by either fans or critics and thus didn’t garner any success for Miller. That is, until Robert Rodriguez decided to adapt his

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Sin City comics to the big screen, making sure that the movie was seen as “Frank Miller’s Sin City” on movie posters around the world. As for the future, Miller is set to write and direct Sin City 2 and The Spirit, based off of the comics of the same names. What’s cool about Spirit is that it isn’t even one of his own comics, but one of his idol’s: Will Eisner. The Spirit tells the story of Denny Colt, a young detective who comes comes back from the dead after being dosed by a strange liquid while trying to apprehend one of his hometown’s most evil madmen. He dons a blue fedora and a domino mask and guards Central City calling himself “The Spirit.” Miller has had Robert Rodriguez to rely on as far the directing reigns are concerned for Sin City, but with this one we’ll be able to see how he can handle things on his own.

-By Mike Pallotta

12 March 2007

South Park

Borat

Director: Trey Parker, Matt Stone Retail Price: $49.98

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen Director: Larry Charles Retail Price: $29.99

Complete Ninth Season

As soon as I saw that South Park Season 9 was coming out, I knew that I had to get it. Not because I had never seen the season before but because like any true fan, I can never seem to get enough. The beauty of South Park is that while most of the time it is timeless, there are those few episodes that stand alone. These few glorious episodes bring you back to times not so long ago, when the world stood in apathy and South Park came along and slapped us into entertained awareness. So, let the good times roll. Okay, there may not be any kind of special features in the ordinary sense but come on, it’s South Park. Who needs fancy special features when you have the funny? The true fan doesn’t need a bunch of extra fluff and act as a supplement for a show that is already awesome. What you do get, that should be considered a special feature, is the delightfully colorful commentary of the creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, at the beginning of each episode. If you want something in the nature of extra South Park action, then enter the Comedy Central website and enjoy all that is South Park. Some of the best episodes on the three-disc set are those that sparked the kind of controversy that South Park is no stranger to. Just to name a few precious episodes, “Bloody Mary,” with a miraculous statue of the Virgin Mary that bleeds out of her anus surely aggravated a few people. No one knows mercy at the hands of South Park, as was shown by the award-nominated “Trapped in the Closet” episode which ripped on the religion of Scientology while simultaneously questioning the sexual orientation of Tom Cruise. Tons of awesome episodes bring hours of delightful enjoyment in the town of South Park. Cartoon violence and comedy, the best comedy ever. If you’re one of those people who loves to watch your favorite episodes on loop, then South Park Season 9 is the DVD for you. -By Philip Vargas

When you pick up the DVD you find yourself surprised to find a little touch of Kazakhstan dripping onto the bootleg style packaging, which is reminiscent of something that you would pick up at any corner for $15. As you pop in the movie a DVD menu that could only come out of a third-world country dazzles your eyes and ears. You’d better strap yourself in and get ready for a devilishly good time. For those whom have never seen the movie, and you should, the film follows Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev as he travels across America in order to make a documentary for his people of Kazakhstan. As Borat begins to learn about this country he finds himself drawn to California to marry the woman of his dreams, Pamela Anderson, after watching her from afar on the beaches of Baywatch. Borat is a non-stop roller coaster of funny that comes out swinging and doesn’t stop until the last line of credits roll across the screen. The best part of the DVD hands down was the Censored Footage (deleted scenes), which easily stands alone. As Borat visits doctors, supermarkets, and dog pounds, the stupidity that people reveal and tolerate can’t help but make you laugh your ass off. Bit after bit makes you hungry for whatever Borat will do next to reveal the lesser known side of America and its people. Aside from deleted scenes, the DVD also sports a compilation of Propaganda footage that follows the post-shooting promotion of Borat’s immaculate creation. The highlights of the footage are Borat’s appearances on The Conan O’Brien Show, Jay Leno, and Saturday Night Live where Borat attempts to harvest Conan’s rare red pubis, bed Martha Stewart, and sell his eleven year old son’s child to Madonna. As side splitting as the film is, the aftermath that follows is all the more delish to the viewer as each second of film is greedily consumed and appreciated. So, if you want to see one of the funniest movies of the year run out and get a copy of Borat. You wouldn’t be disappointed.

-By Philip Vargas

Fuck Hugh, I Love Chick Flicks! Review of Music and Lyrics

Hugh Grant has once again blessed us with another romantic comedy. By now I’d say the equation is set, and as long as Hugh follows it he can’t go wrong. First, boy and girl, both single and lonely, meet randomly. In this case the meeting occurs when Drew Barrymore is filling in for Mr. Fletcher’s (Grant) normal plant lady. The boy and girl are forced to spend time together, and through these hours spent together they get to know one another and ultimately fall in love. But wait! There must always be a conflict that will test their love, which they must overcome in order to strengthen their relationship. So when Alex Fletcher, singer of the ‘80s band POP!, doesn’t fight for the words that he and Sophie Fisher (Drew Barrymore) have written together, Sophie must walk away from Alex and the harsh realities of the commercial music business. It is a good thing that Grant is so good at wooing the ladies back into his arms with his charming English accent. If you’re in the mood for a romantic comedy, go ahead and see this movie, or any other movie starring Hugh Grant for that matter.

–By Katie Reinman

Okay guys, another week, another set of videos for your enjoyment. In this installment we’ve got everything: fine dining, skateboarding, and of course, horrible acting. So sit right back and enjoy the ride.

Search YouTube for Doctor and the Medics

Next is a series of travel videos by a group called the Tokyo Krawlers (search YouTube for Tokyo Krawlers). Unlike most travel shows, which show expensive resorts and tourist traps, these guys get right into the grunge-y underworld of Tokyo and Hong Kong. They mostly show punk and rockabilly clubs, but they also hit up a porn and maps store, a Chinese skate park, and a used panty shop. Along the way they meet scene girls, musicians, and a deranged supposed Chinese solider. Each of their destinations is punctuated by segments of them skating (badly) or chatting (awkwardly) to underground Japanese punk.

Straight from the ‘80s comes our first video. It’s the music video of the Doctor and the Medics cover of “Spirit in the Sky” (search YouTube for Doctor and the Medics). This video looks like The Grudge ate some ‘shrooms and vomited all over the set. The lead singer tries to look like he is singing while climbing a ladder, but both are preformed with the skill of an eight-yearold child actor. Nothing in this video makes any sense, it’s as if the band went to a prop room and just grabbed shit that they liked. This definitely falls under the category of “so-bad-it’s-good.” But at least the song is kind of catchy.

Search YouTube for Tokyo Krawlers

Well amigos, that’s it for this week. I hope you enjoyed it, and send your god-damned videos to dylan@lbunion.com. -By Dylan Little

12 March 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

[Comics]

Life n Times By Lewis Grey

Tom By Andrew Wilson

Let’s Celebrate! By The Coat Hanger Coalition

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Disgruntled Editor By MLB

Across 1- Mountain range in central Europe 5- Tirade 9- Intimidate 14- Anchored float 15- Having wings 16- Concur 17- Building for storing hay

18- Baby’s cry 19- Approaches 20- Self-service restaurant 22- One-piece bathing suit for women 24- Palm fruits 26- Command to a horse 27- Starvation 30- Sudden collapse into

failure 35- With speed 36- Knot in wool 37- Completely without madness 38- X 39- King’s staff 42- Animal foot 43- Gaelic language of Ireland or Scotland

45- Dreg 46- Modify 48- Material used as a dye 50- Grownups 51- Weep 52- Aquatic opossum 54- Side by side 58- Small end-blown flute 62- Debris 63- Highly excited 65- Double 66- Put into law 67- Stage gig 68- Burden 69- Awry 70- Not bright 71- Spouse Down 1- Swedish pop band whose hits include “Waterloo” 2- Hawaiian outdoor feast 3- Harbor 4- Pertaining to a synod 5- Branched 6- Winged 7- Where some vets served 8- Streetcar 9- Hebrew prophet

10- Eternal 11- Russian range 12- Roman emperor 13- Student’s hurdle 21- Horse locks 23- Quick and nimble 25- Astonish 27- Destined 28- Mimicry 29- The house of a parson 31- Collective word for intellectual pursuits 32- Pertaining to Benedict XVI 33- Not proper 34- Efts 36- Taco choice 40- Bludgeons 41- Radioactive gas 44- Spirit 47- Duchy 49- Warm and cozy 50- Climax 53- Coral island 54- Geographical expanse 55- Stopper 56- Monetary unit of Iran 57- Diamond cover 59- “Chicken of the sea” 60- Tense 61- Otherwise 64- Indian holiday resort

Submit Your Own Comics Send them to editor Matt Byrd: Byrd@lbunion.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a Medium

Hard

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

12 March 2007

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Medium

12 March 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hard

VOLUME 60

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

ISSUE 7

Cap’n Crunch Mourns Fallen Comrade Captain America

See BROTHER AT ARMS Page 5

Headlines

Daredevil Child Leaps 1,000 An Inconvenient Truth DVDs on Sled

Stephen Hawking Develops A Headache

Paparazzi Stalk Ann Coulter Outside Local Wal-Mart

Area Child Underwhelmed By David Mammet’s Latest Play

I ERODE VAGNIA

“I’m Your God Now,” Exclaims God

Bush Wins Staring Contest With Latin America By The Nothing

of clean water, and substandard construction of city benches. The situation was brought before the AO PAULO, BRAZIL– United Nations in January of 2005, After receiving harsh and President Chavez maintains that criticism for the United President Bush has been among the States’ allegedly ignoring the most unhelpful leaders in regards to poverty issue in Latin America, bettering the situation. “Every time I Bush visited Venezuelan Presibring it up he just ignores me,” comdent, Hugo Chavez to settle plained Chavez while administering things once and for all, the only eye drops to his dry, red eyes. “He way he knows how. “I’ma look looks at me with those glassy, dead him square in the eye,” said eyes and does nothing to help.” Bush. “My silence will speak In response to the attacks on his volumes.” suggestion to have the staring conThe approach was met with test, Bush defended his win with intense doubt by the press and conviction and pride, stating, “Peomembers of the United Naple are jist mad that they didn’t think tions, including Fahruk Chiba- President Bush (above) practices his ocular attacks on a wayward infant he of this first. They want to worry da of India, who adamantly caught wandering the White House. about the body counts, and the exclaimed, “The U.S. continually plosions, the drug dealers, the dirty uses methods opposed to solutions proposed began officially at 2:36pm and ended three water, the bombs, the dying soldiers, pestiby the U.N. This contest is an immature and hours later, with Bush as the victor. lence and plague. They bum me out. If they worthless attempt by the U.S. to save face, so “I knew I had him after fifteen minutes,” would just see that when you stare into the to speak.” Bush said afterwards. “His left eye was twitch- eyes of someone lesser than you, all the probDespite these negative comments by inter- ing when he heard one of his advisors in the lems seem to sink way down into the blacks national officials, Bush and Chavez sat down next room talking about the fifty-seven dead of their pupils.” face-to-face last Friday to settle the score and folks they found under a bridge that mornWhile poverty remains a “hot” issue in address the issues. The Associated Press re- ing.” Bush went on to say, “I felt bad for the Latin America, President Bush counts his visit leased the rules agreed upon by the two men, guy, but when you got something that serious and the contest as a “huge success.” In a press the list of which included: “Looking away is on the table, people dying just aren’t that im- meeting upon his return to Washington, Bush prohibited. Making noise is prohibited. Fun- portant.” said that he would be resolving all matters in ny faces are allowed but discouraged. The first Currently, over 15,000 impoverished like fashion, “starting with a trip to Iraq and a man to blink is deemed the loser.” The contest citizens die each day in Brazil due to a lack good ole match of Reaux, Sham, Beaux.” GRUNION LIDS

This April, Put the Christ Back in Easter

Jake Plummer Retires 10 Years Short of Hall of Fame Career

By Chastity Faith McFearson GRUNION OPINIONIST

First: Yes, I realize that Easter is a month away, but I’ve already given up birth control for Lent, so forgive me. Second: I ask you these questions now. Did Christ have RainBlo egg gum on the cross? Was he wearing a crown of plastic green shreds, for some reason labeled “grass”? Was he stuck with a spear by a full-grown man dressed as a baby rabbit? If you believe America, then yes, all of these things are true. Well I’m here to tell you that’s as preposterous as the idea that Grampa Joe was a gorilla. Easter, like every second, minute, and hour of the year, is all about Jesus. You might find it silly to devote your life to a millenia-dead philosopher, but you also might find yourself lashed to a fence in my backyard, so watch’er damn mouth, as my pap used to say. Here’s a history lesson for you: On Easter of the year 0, Christ was killed by Jewish scum. Then they threw him in a cave, where he defeated the Cyclops known as Polyphemus and came back to life. If you believe what you see on television and at Target, that wasn’t Christ, but the “Easter Bunny.” Secular liberals would have you believe that the “Easter Bunny” is a cuddly rabbit that lays eggs under your children’s pillows. Not so. Let me use some numerology to enumerate the problems with the Easter Bunny. Count the number of letters in his name. I

By Father McKenzie count 11. That’s practically the number of the beast. Take the first six, then add the second, then subtract the number of sixes remaining, and you have 11. Therefore, ergo sum, the Easter Bunny is the devil, and your children who devour his eggs will become demons serving his dark furry teats. I urge you all to turn away from the temptations of the Bunny Beast, and look instead to the light. Forget not that Christ died on the Christ for you, and endured the worst of all horrors before he could complete his journey homeward to his wife Penelope. Please: stow away your Peeps and your baskets, because while Christ has had trouble putting down the demon lord Santa Claus, surely an infidel such as the Easter Bunny cannot stand before his might.

GRUNION PLUMBER

Jake Plummer announced his intention to retire last week, as well as his intention to attend Hall of Fame ceremonies for the next few decades. Plummer leaves the NFL with the dubious distinction of being the player with the greatest unrealized potential in the league’s history. NFL higher-ups say that Plummer was only “ten to fifteen” great seasons away from reaching enshrinement in Canton. Plummer has vowed to spend “some time” with his kids, and maybe show up for “a day or two of commentary work a week. You know, nothing bit; I figure I’d be a great backup for Costas if he gets injured or something.” The Boise native will be missed by some, mostly the long snapper and the equipment manager.

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And, like that man that died on the cross, we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Murphy Brown!