The A Totally Fictitious Campus Publication at California State University, Long Beach
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Since 1949ish
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Today, April 2007 • Vol. LX No. 9 Inside Our Pages* *Now more plural than ever
News
Coffee Crisis
It explains how a local coffee shop serves up drinks that gives people herpes. – Page £
Book Refunds
Bookstore going to give you all the money back for returning books to them earlier this year for some students. – Page ?
Japanese Garden
It explains how Japanese students to intern at Earl Warren Jap-Gar. – Page ¶
Opinion
Our View
It explains why the campus is totally going to miss us when we're gone. You'll see. – Page ¡!
Cultural Diversity
It explains why non-students should be treated differently, just like all other students. – Page ≠
Tube Tops
It explains why the campus is once again safe for women to wear low-cut clothing at night. – Page \/
Diversions
The 49rs Newspaper to shut down, close doors Fierce competition and devastating business blunders force campus publication to shut down following this issue. By Philip Johnson
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer LONG BEACH, CA - After fifty-eight years of responsible and hard hitting journalism on the California State University, Long Beach campus, Monday March 26th 2007 will mark the last issue of the beloved 49rs Newspaper and DIQ Magazine. Four consecutive nights were spent deliberating the decision to shut down the paper, many different opinions were voiced, and almost the entire staff of The 49rs and DIQ were able to cast a vote on whether or not it was the best idea to close its doors. And after all thirty-five ballots were cast, and a 34-1 vote was tabulated, it was decided that the 49rs and DIQ would no longer be fixtures on the CSULB campus. “We were in the office later then I can ever remember during this past week,” said editor Heather Williams. “It was a difficult decision to make, but due to a number of factors, it was a general consen-
sus that it was no longer worth the struggles we were enduring.” For it’s first fifty-three years The 49rs was a campus oriented and funded newspaper, but five years ago the decision was made to go “independent,” a decision some say wasn’t the smartest path to take. “At the time it sounded like the thing to do,” said General/Business Manager Meredith Winston. “I just can’t sell our paper to advertisers anymore. And when the bookstore took out almost all of their ads from our paper it left a huge hole in our budget; almost 30%. But I voted against the closure; this leaves me without a job, seeing as though I’m not a student here, I have nowhere to go.” While being independent, The 49rs still had the backing of the Journalism department. Most professors gave extra credit for students who “chose” to write for The 49rs, while some even required it, making it a portion of the student’s cumulative grade. The closure leaves hundreds of budding journalist with no option but to write for the “alternative” newspaper, the Union Weekly, and in turn the Journalism department has now made an official statement that makes it “Utterly unacceptable to write for, or contribute to, any campus news outlet.” This statement has left tens of journal-
See INEVITABLE / 3
The end of an era • Editor Russell Sturgeon closes up for the final time in 49rs history by turning out the lights and deadbolting the door. The photographer was locked inside. For more information on our closing, call (562) 985-8000. Chewie Chow / The Forty-Niners
Everything Must Go! • Ten Apple G5 computers with flat-screen monitors, rarely used, and un-opened Adobe Creative Suite 2 software. To purchase any of our equipment at low, low prices, please call (562) 985-8000. Chewie Chow / The Forty-Niners
CSU faculty strike begins tomorrow, classes cancelled By Hal Baldwin
New Band
The rest of this picture and some words about a band. – Page Æ
Entertainment News
Why go to the multitudes of other entertainment news sources when you can just settle for our coverage? – Page ™
Retrospective
A Fond Look Back
There's nothing better than old news that's probably a little dated and irrelevant! – Page ß
Sports
A Sports Article
Balls and games and scores from around the leagues! – Page ≥
Jenny
I Got Your Number
I need to make you mine. Jenny, don't change your number. 562-985-8000 – Page ∆
What's Online? Nothing, Really
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer In a bold and unexpected move, CSULB faculty has decided to hasten its strike schedule and begin its protest against the CSU tomorrow. They are also pleading with students to not cross picket lines, and to not attend their classes tomorrow in order to send a more profound message. The CFA, a union representing the CSU faculty, issued a statement last Sunday citing “pro-longed negligence, harassment, and an overall attitude of deceit” as reasons for the change of schedule. “We’ve been pushed to the wall, groped a little and then cuffed by the system that we have given so much to,” said Dr. Timothy Laphroig, a professor of neoteric design strategies at CSULB. “The faculty wants change, and the time is now. We cannot wait any longer. A strike will take place tomorrow, and that’s final.” The strike gained momentum last week, when professors and CFA officers held a vote to determine whether a strike was desired by faculty. The vote was a landside, with over 90 percent approving a strike should a compromise
not be reached between CFA and CSU administration. The strike was originally planned for midApril, but unforeseen bickering and cold blood amongst the CSU and CFA has boiled over, and made an immediate strike inevitable.
“Once out of class, we'd like students to recruit sympathizers for tomorrow. Build signs, bring bullhorns, do whatever it takes. Make it loud and clear: No school tomorrow." — Dr. Timothy Laphroig, professor
“We are tired of low wages, no job security, and then people telling us to ‘shut-up’ and ‘quit your bitching,’” said the animated Ty Svenson, an English Lecturer at CSU Fullerton. “Hopefully this strike will show people that we are not to be toyed with. Don’t mess with us.” Strike festivities will begin tomorrow at 10 am near the friendship walk, but faculty advises students who wish to take a pro-active
stance to walk out of classes at noon starting today. “Once out of class, we’d like students to recruit sympathizers for tomorrow. Build signs, bring bullhorns, do whatever it takes. Make it loud and clear: No school tomorrow. Your fees have already increased, don’t think they won’t stonewall your professors into leaving,” said Laphroig. “It’s important that students realize that they need to support this strike for better education. We did not support the fee increase and we also fight for smaller class sizes. We’d love to see you fight for us, just once, promises.” In response to faculties accusations of “deceit,” the Harlan J. Tweedle, president of the CSU, claims the CFA guilty of their own deception, stating that their campaign is “riddled with unethical maneuvers.” He specifically mentions the notion that administrative salaries have been increased out of greed. “Listen, our salaries are not too high. Just look at the numbers, that’s all I can say. I’m not sure what they’re complaining about. We’re on par with most other university systems.” To see if your classes are being cancelled, please call Student Services at 562-985-8000.
Students to walk out today at noon, 12 pm Massive walk out planned to take place on campus today at noon. Students are expected to walk out of class. By Russell Sturgeon
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer After months of turmoil and unrest, a large faction of students at CSULB is planning on walking out of class today at noon in protest. Protest organizer, Rudy Santero, said the following in a press release: “The students at this university have to understand the importance of progressive change. Things have progressed to a point that’s wholly unacceptable, and it’s time to do something about it; that’s why we’re asking CSULB students to show some of that much-lacking solidarity in walking out of class, today, at noon.” Santero said the students would convene at the speaker’s platform on Friendship Walk, where he’ll be giving a short speech, and then opening up the microphone to any students who wanted to air grievances, and make their voices heard. Preliminary support has See WALK OUT / 3
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The
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
Events and Meetings
Early book return spells big bucks for some students
Monday- The chick that never gets picked on Iron Chef America comes to the Residence Dinning Hall for an impromptu Iron Chef challenge with anyone who will actually chose her. Also in attendance will be the pompous ass hole Bobby Fley, who will probably challenge the chick to a “I’m better than you are at this dish” competition anyways and beat her. Chef competition starts at Monday at 7 p.m. Bobby Fley stoning starts immediately after he shows his face on campus. Tuesday- Molto Mario tries to set single sitting meatball-eating record at Electric Hair. Why he chose Electric Hair no one knows, but hey, it has to be better than that Dick the Armenian Comedian, right? Record is 124 quarter pound meatballs; even money says Mario breaks the 150 mark. Dude, enough parmigiano reggiano already, we’re worried. Starting at Daybreak. Wednesday- Subway workers try to make one foot long sandwich correctly. Competition starts and ends immediately after the entire staff smokes a huge blunt and tries to rob the first customer at gunpoint. Thursday- Duff Goldman of Ace of Cakes tries to replicate the Walter Pyramid. 4,000 slaves/students will be needed to pull 10,000, two ton blocks of cake. A camp is being set up that will have first come first serve living arrangements. Food will be provided on week-by-week basis.
Back Your Book Back Buyback, Buck • Get your bucks back, bill. Bite back your bile and bring your books to the bookstore, if you think big bucks are beneficial. Book Back Buyback! Don't get left behind. Chewie Chow / The Forty-Niners
Friday- Bear from Man vs. Wild comes to the Japanese Gardens and has seven days to find his way out. While inside the Gardens, Bear gives a tutorial on how to eat Koi fish raw, for no reason at all. Bear also gives tutorial on how to shit ones brains out at 8 p.m. sharp.
Most students eagerly await the end of the semester for literally a variety of reasons; now, CSULB’s bookstore is providing yet a new one. Most students sell back 2550% of their textbooks once classes are over, on average earning 15-30% of what they payed back. It may not sound like much, but for students in expensive texbook majors such as the maths and sciences, it can add up to big bucks. Now, thanks to shipping problems caused by the blizzard weather occurring across much of the country, the bookstore is offering to add up even bigger bucks for students willing to return their books a few weeks early. “The problem,” says bookstore manager Raymond DeSanto, “is that the blizzards in the north have crippled our air freighter shipments, and we haven’t gotten the books in for summer session yet.” Since it takes the bookstore two months to process a shipment and turn it around for sale, that’s
Japanese Studies students intern at Jap-Gar By Franklin Shumeister
Daily Sixty-Niner Contributing Writer CSULB’s fledgling Japanese Studies Department announced the implementation of an innovative new program last week. This summer, all of its students will be…“invited” to spend all three months living in CSULB’s Japanese Gardens, where they will intern in a number of different fields. The program’s director, Earl Warren Jr., lauded its forward-thinkingness: “This is a really good opportunity for these kids. Most of them are cooped up at home, with their laptops and other niceties, and it gets hard to focus on their studies, and their work. In this ‘summer camp,’ as we’re calling it, they’ll be supervised 24 hours a day, and…‘encouraged’ to do their work.” Some students, such as Manny Zar, feel that the “camp” takes things too far: “I don’t really understand why they’re doing this. I feel like I can be trusted to take care of myself this summer. Why in the hell do I need to be forced into this stupid camp to do my work? I’d rather intern at a magazine, or a record company, than at some stupid garden.” Other students weren’t quite so down on the program. One, Maria Granada, seemed downright jubilant. “I think it’s going to be, like, the best summer camp I’ve been to since Barbie Beauty Brigade. I heard they’re going to have arts-and-crafts and let us stay up till ten. My mom said we get to whittle stones down into hearts, using only toothbrushes and our teeth. It sounds like the funnest.”
The campus administration continues to support Warren Jr. and the camp and its goal. When asked what that was exactly, representative Jeffrey Dunn replied, “The camp has many goals and just as many benefits. One benefit being that it will keep them out of their dangerous cars and off busy roads where they can drive, and be injured.” He went on to say, “Plus, they get to use their favorite Sanrio characterthemed shovels, like Hello Kitty and Keropi, to work the gardens. They love that. We spared no expense in buying those darling little hats that they like to wear too.” The camp will also provide three healthy meals a day for interns, including bottomless rice patties from the day’s work, fried Koi sticks, and a hibiscus salad. Dormitories on the facility grounds have been criticized as being small, but the four foot by four foot square sleeping cubicles were designed to be FengShui, and optimal for keeping campers safe indoors and out of harms way. “The beds are made of dirt for the purposes of back support,” added Warren Jr. “Classroom desks these days do quite a number on the developing bones of students. Our beds help straighten them out.” Warren Jr. has slammed unfavorable comparisons between his program and that of the United States government during WWII, saying, “The only kind of internment that will be happening at these camps is intern-tain-ment.” If you’re interested in joining the program, or if national law mandates that you have to, please call (562) 985-8000.
By Greg Craigelstein
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer
proven something of a problem. In order to better stagger book sales, the bookstore is offering to pay a FULL REFUND to students who return their textbooks within the next two weeks. The library has ordered more copied of GE textbooks to place on reserve to meet the demand of students who will suddently find themselves bookless come finals week. Most students don’t seem to mind: “When I heard they were offering a full refund, I sold all of my books back, immediately,” said senior Engineering student Tasha Knowles. “My car just broke down, which has made it incredibly hard to get to class more than once or twice a week. Selling these books back mean I can get there again; I’ll just have to figure out what to do when finals roll around.” The only drawback is that some shipments made it through before the storms hit, meaning that the bookstore is only offering these nearly unbeilvable refunds for certain textbooks. To prevent a deluge of students crowding in, they’re requesting that students please call
(562) 985-8000 to find out whether their books are eligible for a full or significant buyback price. “We’re expecting it to be a pretty successfull program,” says DeSanto. “We figure most students will want to take advantage of this opportunity to make some really good money at a point in the semester when few have much or any. I just hope too many students don’t get caught book-less for finals.” The only real question with this amazing buyback opportunity is how the bookstore will continue to maintain their mammoth profit margin. DeSanto says it won’t be a problem: “We’re actually planning on raising prices on the affected titles 15-20% to cover the elevated buyback prices. I know it’s unfortunate, but it has to be done at this point. You know what they say about drastic times,” he said with a knowing nod. If you’re interested in getting a lot of money back for your textbooks, the number for the bookstore, again, is (562) 985-8000; they’d love to hear from you, so call early and often.
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
INEVITABLE Continued from Page 1
ism students confused as to how they are going to obtain first-hand knowledge of a working newspaper. “So now all of the classes are going on 'hypothetical' situations? I don’t get. It’s not like I was going to write for one of the papers on campus anyways, but now I can’t, even if I wanted to,” said Ted Nugent, senior journalism major. Over a year ago, The 49rs put forward a referendum to request an increase in tuition by four dollars a semester for additional money that would go toward the production of both the newspaper and DIQ Magazine, but was overwhelmingly denied by the campus in an overwhelming response against an “independent” newspaper asking for student monies. Most of the staffers still left at The 49rs and DIQ saw this refusal as the straw that broke the dying camel's back. “That was pretty much it as I saw it,” said Jonathan Blake, managing editor of The 49rs. “We thought U-Wire articles
could put some life back into the publication, but all it did was cost more money than the yearly salary of our “Business” Manager.” A yard sale will be held everyday this week to get rid of all 49rs Newspaper production products. Everything from hardly-used Apple G5’s to unopened Adobe CS2 boxes will be sold at bargain-basement prices. The sale will be held on the lawn between the SPA building and the Outpost Café between the hours of 9 a.m. and 10 p.m. (product in exchange for copy editing jobs at either the Press Telegram or Grunion Gazette gladly excepted). When asked how he felt about the closure of The 49rs, the EIC of the Union Weekly had these words to say: “We’re all pretty bummed around here. They were by far the funniest thing on campus. They will be missed, kinda.” For more information regarding the closure of The 49rs and DIQ Magazine, or for a complete list of equipment for sale, please call 562-985-8000.
WALK OUT Continued from Page 1
been overwhelming, with as many as five thousand students expected to walk out, making this by far the biggest such event in the school’s history. Santero and other organizers claim this is irrefutable proof of the change in the campus climate, while others are unimpressed. “I’m totally fine with things the way
they are,” stated Jill Rosenthal on her way to class. “I’m not about to risk my attendance grades for a protest.” Those interested in helping organize the massive walk out should call (562) 985-8000, or just walk out, today, at noon.
The
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Herpes scare causes quite a stir at local Starbucks coffee shop (U-Wire) LONG BEACH, NY – Last Friday, a Manhattan Starbucks was closed indefinitely due to a sudden rash of oral herpes. The rash is estimated to have spread to 86% of the people who ordered coffee from the location on this single day. The outbreak was typically located at the corners of the mouth and the lower lip, leading experts to conclude that the site’s cardboard cups were the host of the virus. The company’s senior spokesman, Brad Schweitzer, issued a public statement the following day in regards to the outbreak. “We are still unsure of the nature of this outbreak,” said Schweitzer. “However, given early speculation that our cups were the source of the disease, we have placed an immediate recall into affect. All cups, from all site locations, will be replaced. The new cups will look exactly like the old cups, so that no one—not even myself—will be able to tell the difference between the two.” Schweitzer went on to explain that there was nothing to worry about, and that the possibility existed that these people probably had herpes prior to entering the coffeehouse. “Yeah, for real,” said Schweitzer. “It’s probably not even our fault. The location of that Starbucks was in Manhattan. Mouths get fucked in that city every day. Who’s to say that a cup of freshly brewed coffee was any more a cause of their herpes than their own deviant lifestyle? I bet a few of them even do that—what’s it called?—“splo-
Half-calf with Herps • This story, despite being accompained by a picture of our own campus' Starbucks, has nothing to do with CSULB. I guess the picture is a little misleading when you think about it, huh? Chewie Chow / The Forty-Niners
oshing?” Yeah, I bet some of them drink coffee or mustard or whatever out of each other’s gurgling, gaping assholes. But because we’re a big chain we get blamed for every little mound of puss on every pair of lips in the city. I’ve fucking had it with this bullshit.” Schweitzer then loosened his tie, threw it on the floor and exited the stage to a cavalcade of flashing cameras. Since the incident, smaller coffee chains have begun posting simple, homemade signs in their windows touting the freshness of their coffee, as well as their cups. Many of them, including Morey Schweitzer, of Schweitzer Bros. Coffee, see this as the final slingshot in this epic battle of David vs. Goliath.
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“Running your own business can be tough,” said Schweitzer. “Especially when your only brother and partner for 23 years decides to moonlight for a major competitor. He said it would be good for business. Is it Bradley? Is it? My family can’t subsist on day-old bagels and stale coffee forever, Bradley! God dammit! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to vent during a newspaper interview. You don’t have to use any of this if you don’t want to. Especially that last part. I just don’t see how the problems of two brothers both united and divided by the coffee that they so passionately love would be of any interest to your readers.” To see if your local Starbucks is affected, please call 562-985-8000 for more information.
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
The 49rs
49rs closing signals the end of an era, time frame
A
ccording to an article published today on the front page of this issue of The 49rs, The 49rs Newspaper will be ceasing publication from this day forward. To many on this campus, this comes as quite a surprise, as they ask themselves, "oh, we had a newspaper?" and while it is very telling not only about the state of print media as a whole, it is more telling about the reading habits of students of this campus. According to The 49rs media kit, The 49rs Newspaper is more widely read than the Los Angeles Times and Cat Fancy magazine combined. Combined! The numbers don't lie, people, that's nearly fives of hundreds of readers a day – almost thousands a week. This is not very encouraging at all. According to our logic, if no one is reading our newspaper, then that means that no one is reading at all, which means that CSULB is nearing pure illiteracy. By this time next year, people may be so far away from proper reading habits that they may actually pick up a copy of the Union Weekly, and then read it – the bad
words and all. Eww! How unfortunate! But if every cloud has a silver light at the end of the tunnel, we too can take solace in the fact that the print media industry is falling on the same exact hardships that we here at The 49rs have too fallen upon: dwindling readership, increasing pressure from online newssources, and our parents telling us we're spending too much time pretending to be journalists and that we should just give up and become real-estate agents like them or else we're going to end up copy-editing for the Press Telegram for the rest of our lives, or until they go out of business, whichever one comes first. Sadly, suicide does not seem far off. But whom truly will suffer when The 49rs is gone are all the students on this campus who needed a place to have education about journalism, but now are forced to endure workshop classes without a positive end-result;
all the students who, instead of publishing a daily newspaper will do the blogging on the internet instead, never knowing the skills required to type things for a newspaper made of real-life paper and not of computer screen glass. Things do not look good for CSULB. Take for instance, the last time that the campus was without a copy of The 49rs on the stands – some four years ago, when a devastating power outage at our printing press caused a Monday issue to never see the light of day. The campus went into widespread panic, with students wandering the halls of the SSPA building bravely going to class pretending like they didn't even notice. But that time, we were lucky, and we were able to write about why there was not a Monday issue on the stands on Tuesday, and explain the whole mess to make sure nobody worried about us.
But this time, there will be no issue the day after tomorrow to explain why there is no issue tomorrow. No, there will be no more issues explaining anything to anyone. Yes, the closing of The 49rs signals the end of an era – roughly 58 years – of hard-hitting news coverage of events that happened two or three days ago. The campus will miss us, and we know this because our fingers are placed really near to the pulse of the students. For a full recap of things we have covered over the years, please try and read our two pages of articles that we wrote over the years but have put in this newspaper as a way to show you, our readers, the good things we have done over the years without having to ask you all to come down to our office and look at the issues on a desk in our office. They are kind of old, and years of neglect and too many people touching them could make them fall apart, like our credibility has. The 49rs Newspaper is a senior journalism major and hopes to one day work at a big-time newspaper as a journalist reporting stories.
If you want something done, you've got to do nothing yourself
E
arlier this semester a campus publication published an article that caused widespread anger amongst the feminist community. The article was written by a girl, whose name escapes me at the moment, and promoted a woman’s right to be submissive, wear trashy clothes and be a stay at home mother or wife. I was outraged! How dare a woman a) have that right, and b) be promoting things that take steps backwards for her entire sex? I rallied all of my supporters and we did the only thing we could that would get our disgust across, nothing. We boycotted the publication and didn’t read it for the whole week. Mind you, it is only a weekly publication so having read it once there was no need to read it again, the fact that we only picked up one issue each really showed those bigots! I bet their distribution suffered greatly! We also cut out a bunch of copies of the article and pasted them to this
very tasteful poster board collage that showed how despicable their kind of mentality is. When students passed by it in the LA hallways they really appreciated the bedazzled flowers and progressive angst that we represented. Our campus feminist group received some minor criticism following the boycott, during which we were called “worthless pansies” by some of our predecessors. They claimed that our actions were having no effect, and that we were “all talk and no action ninnies.” Apparently they didn’t take the silent treatments and badmouthing behind people’s back seriously. They said that those were easy ways out, and that they “made no difference.” Well, what were we supposed to do? We could have written in to the publication and had them run
a rebuttal to the article, but that would have required some intelligent thought and, to be quite honest, I have been too busy beading my hair to go to class and learn the meanings of the words I steal from Janis Joplin. Besides, what would I say? “Listen you don’t speak for all women?” Well, duh! I am sure people already know that! What past protesters don’t understand is that we are living in a new world, okay? We can’t just rip off our bras and burn them – what would hide our pierced nipples that our boyfriends said would liberate us? We can’t make pickets in parking lots or quad areas, because people would stop seeing us as cute and start seeing us as aggressive, stinky-pits, stereotypes. What options do we really have other than arts and crafts glued
Cindy Hafner
together with oppressed anger and two-sided tape? So, to that weekly publication with the occasionally good music articles, consider this a warning: when you allow a woman to voice her opinion, an opinion that may or may not be the same as mine, don’t expect a rebuttal, don’t expect an intelligent discourse by any means. Instead, look forward to literally weeks filled with angry women who were told by their Women’s Studies professors that what you published was smut, to give you some really bad stink-eye. Don’t plan on sitting at our table during lunch break, and certainly don’t count on ever getting us to read more than five, maybe six issues a semester. You deserve it, jerks. Cindy Hafner hopes to graduate next fall with a degree in Women’s Studies from CSULB. She hopes to be a social worker, providing help for battered women and runaway teens.
Campus rapists caught, women safe to walk alone again
R
ape is very serious to me. I’ve known countless women who have been raped, and the effect it has on their lives is nothing short of devastating. So last week, when our paper reported the capture of CSULB’s campus rapists, I was overjoyed. And while their arrest does not take away the pain and humiliation inflicted on the victims, the women of this campus can rest assured that nothing like this will ever happen to them again. Ever. Many assumed that the increased media attention garnered by these attacks, coupled with the fact that no one had been assaulted or raped since mid November meant that the danger had passed. This was a dangerous misconception. The rapists, while presumably leery of any future attacks, could have struck at any time. As the months went on, and the campus let their guard down, the chances of such an attack
increased exponentially. But now that the two men suspected of perpetrating these disgusting acts have been caught, I feel it is the right of every woman on campus to show their strength by walking alone at night. This could be very much like a rally, except you probably shouldn’t bring your friends with you. Yes, its time for the women of CSULB to take back the night in their own way. Since the campus never mobilized during the actual attacks (it’s a commuter school), now is the time for our women to let their guards down and roam the campus aimlessly during the wee hours of the night. Wear something nice. Leave the sweatshirts and bulky clothes at home, especially now that the warm summer air lingers like a phantom in every corner
of the campus. I’ll be out there. Granted, I’m not a woman, but this latest development in the case is great news for me. You see, I matched the police sketch drawings to an eerie degree. Can you imagine that? They told the newspapers that they were 98% certain that I was responsible for the sexual assaults on campus. 98%! Isn’t that crazy? But now that the real rapists are locked up, no one’s watching me anymore. That’s really awesome. You have no idea what its like to have the police scrutinize your every move. It makes it difficult to do even the simplest things, like walking across campus to your car dressed in black through a shortcut I learned that takes me through a lot of bushes near the dorms with my dick in my hand for
Kelly Maplethrape
The
good luck. And now that the nightmare is over, I just want to get back to the way things used to be. I think I’m owed at least that much. I think we all are. So yes, ladies, let’s end the fear now! I know that you’ve all been very vigilant during these past few months—perhaps frustratingly so—but the danger has passed now. Enrich the night with your sweet, singular aromas. Stand bravely beneath the silver reflection of the moon. Brings condoms with you to taunt the fading memory of the incarcerated creeps that cast such an ugly shadow on our campus for too long. Shave your pussies. Feel as beautiful and free as you have every right to. Everything’s all right now. Nothing bad can ever happen to you ever again. Ever. Kelley Maplethrape is a junior psychology major and definitely not the rapist.
Since 1949ish
BYRON DUNDEE Editor in Chief
KIKE GARGLEBARGLEDO JAIME GOLDBERG Managing Editor
RUSSELL STURGEON City Editor
TRYIN SLOWBRAIN Asst. City Editor
SICKLY HICKLEY
Asst. City Editor
QUEEF RIGOTTA News Editor
BALLHOLE
Asst. News Editor
FRANKLIN SCHUMEISTER Diversions Editor
CHARLIE SINCLAIRE Opinion Editor
GREG CRAIGELSTEIN Asst. Opinion Editor
HAL BALDWIN Sports Editor
PHILIP JOHNSON Asst. Sports Editor
CINDY HAFNER Photo Editor
HEY HEY TWIDDLER Chief Photographer
RYAN ZEBOULEVARD KELLY MAPLETHRAPE ANDY WILLIAMS Copy Editors
"TWO ARMS" TIM WARD Calendar Editor
ALEC BALDWIN
Editorial Assistant
ARTHUR DAVIZZLE General Manager
EBOLA DEEZNUTS Asst. to the General Manager
JESSE COMERS
Advertising Representative
NICOLE WINGER GITETH DUNER LAZY SNIFHUEVOS Öuiah Hløaj
Production Assistants
LEGGO MY EGGLESTON Production Assistants
PITTY PARTY
Web Assistant
DICK CRAVIN' BROKE RECTUM Circulation Staff
EDITORIAL OFFICES 562/985-4867 FAX 562/985-5684 e-mail info@lbunion.com 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256a Long Beach, CA 90815 www.lbunion.com
Disclaimer
Every single word and number contained in this spoof is completely false and satirical. Not a single one of them are meant to be taken seriously, nor do they represent the views of The Union Weekly, CSULB, Associated Students Incorporated, the Daily 49er, or any person mentioned herein. The content was written with the intent to entertain, amuse, and satirize. All spelling errors and mistakes are intentional and are making light of the D49er's ineptitude. Whatever you do, don’t call any numbers you read. If you fell for anything in here, we’re sorry. Well, we’re never sorry, but it’s not our fault. It’s yours, for not reading this disclaimer; so don't go walking out of class tomorrow, okay? April fools.
"Please, someone take a joke for a change and don't get offended."
-An unheeded plea
TODAY, APRIL, 2007
T his Week in Cartoons
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s a non-Cal State Long Beach student who is constantly on campus I am disgruntled and disgusted at the lack of graduations for non-students like myself. That is why I propose the Transparent Graduation, a graduation ceremony specifically targeted and held for all non-students that attend CSULB. We are an important part of this campus, making it look fuller and more crowded than it could ever possibly be. We park in the neighborhood and walk in, backpack and ipod ready to make us look like one of you. We come to your games, wearing black of course, cheering your team along, and what do we get in return? Nothing. The least we deserve is our own graduation ceremony separate from everyone else, since we are in fact separate from every other student already. I mean, it’s not the 1950s anymore people, everyone should be able to segregate themselves right? Although one may consider the NCSULBS a culture, one must also address the issue of funding the Transparent Graduation on its merits of effectively cultivating diversity on campus. ASS needs to worry about keeping that culture alive and the only way of possibly doing that is to fund our cause, showing all NCSULBS that they are being supported and looked to as an important part of this campus. We’re tired of just
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roaming around your campus, eating your Subway sandwiches, using your bathrooms, attending your basketball games, and getting zero recognition for it. There is a passion brought to this campus that no real student could possibly bring to it. Students are so burnt out on classes that all they can do is leave when class is over, leaving all of us NonStudents to pick up the slack and enliven this campus in their absence. However, we don’t want to leave any student out of the Transparent Graduation, all Non-non-CSULB students will be allowed to attend our graduation ceremony as long as they stay in their own roped off seating section and remain silent behind a large black curtain. Don’t even try to identify with us while you’re there, we’ll talk down to you, because you’re not one of us. In fact, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t blindly support us in any way then you’ll be asked to not attend the ceremony. Here’s to a better, brighter, more accepting tomorrow! Transparent Grad forevers!!! If you want to keep the NCSULBS culture alive, please write to your ASS representatives in support of the Transparent Graduation today. "Two Arms" Tim Ward is not a CSULB student, and especially not a junior journalism major.
"Two Arms" Tim Ward
–Andy Williams
The 49rs cartoonest
Cut the Chancellor some slack
I was very disappointed to hear that some newspaper from some university which resides under the protection of my mighty cloak had run an article which shined a harsh light upon He Who Chancels. This has been quite troubling, and has certainly caused quite a boost in my hazard stipend this month. But allow me to redress some of the concerns of the peasants who work at or attend any of my multitude institutions of higher
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Non-students deserve student-funded graduation
This week we saw hobos graduating (big thanks to Two Arms for giving me such a great topic to work with, I had a great time doing it ^_^), Hillary (or as I like to call her, Hillar-ious) making a push for the presidency, and Barack Obama going back to school for terrorists (I made a joke about how his name is kinda like Osama that I totally didn't steal from 30 Rock, even though I loooove Tina Fey, she rox!). When it all comes down to it, I think about how lucky I am to work with such a super fantastic newspaper with such great people! I love you guys! I'll miss you all!
learning with this assurance: I shall rise above. You may say to yourself, “He doesn’t deserve a raise.” And you wouldn’t be completely incorrect, either. I deserve multiple raises. Considering all of the chancelling that I get done in a given day, I’m surprised I’m not the highest paid chancellor in the world. When you compare my pay to that of many of America’s most moneyridden private colleges, you’ll see that I’m still lagging by a good 10%. I mean, sure, I get free cars and lucrative shoe deals, but it only barely covers the extreme emotional stress of chancelling my ass off all day at least 3 days a week. And it’s not like I’m the only one getting the much-needed
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raises. There are at least 10 other top CSU administrators getting more money from our dramatic student fee increases. Students, I might add, who require vigilant chancelling to continue their pitiful poor existences. The part that really bugs His Chancellency is the rampant hypocrisy of it all. I mean, honestly, who among us when faced with opportunity to raise their own pay would refrain from doing so? If LeBron James had voted to give himself more millions no one would raise a complaint, so why should I face such hostility? I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit, frankly. -Chance L. Ore Chancellor
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
The
F
or 58 Years The 49rs have brought you the nation and world’s most important news. We have seen it all, from Luis Marín becoming the first democratically elected Governor of Puerto Rico, to the magical moment when J.K. Rowling revealed that the next Potter book will be titled Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Yes, we have covered a lot of the big stories that changed the lives of students and staff alike, but apparently that doesn’t make a lick of difference when it comes to our former advertisers that’s just not enough. But, before we close the doors for good, we would like to invite you to take a look back at history through our eyes. Thank you for your loyalty. If it weren’t for us knowing that people read us faithfully and frequently, we would have nothing, literally nothing left to live for. Thank you, and GO BEACH!
S e p te m b e r 19t h, 1949
O c t o b e r 18t h, 1949
M a rc h 7t h, 1955
Ju n e 10 t h, 1965
A u g u s t 5t h, 1966
Ap r i l 12t h, 1977
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
The
De c e m b e r 12t h, 1972
Ju l y 20 t h, 1983
No ve m b e r 30 t h, 1989
De c e m b e r 18t h, 1995
M ay 3rd , 1994
Fe b r u a r y 3, 1997
J a n u a r y 1, 2006 J a n u a r y 20, 2001
Fe b r u a r y 19, 2007
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TODAY, APRIL, 2007
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Self-Inflicted Wounds seek to save Rock 'n' Rap By Arthur DaVizzle
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer “I guess you could call our style pretty average, but don’t label us.” Sayeth S-IW’s frontman Geromy Fillete, “We hate to be labeled.” Coming from the mean streets of Mission Viejo, these boys and their guitars and other instruments are poised to make a big smash on the scene. But their journey hasn’t been easy. The band, according to their recently-deleted wikipedia entry, began whence two of the future bandmates met at fat camp. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” claims venerable Geromy. The two became fast friends, using their feigned love of music to hide their true passion. “We smuggled candy in our instrument cases. Sometimes cupcakes too.” reminisces drummer Terence ‘Terrible’ Prazziati. But soon they began their musical project in earnest. It became sometimes a mostly difficult task. “We started out as a hip-hop/ rock/reggae/rock fusion band called ‘Cup O’ Poodles.’ Then we lost our keyboardist and decided to switch to progressive drug-related acid-infused stoner-metal and call ourselves “Dinosaur BRAINS!” At the time, it was very important to have the exclamation point. Now I’m not sure why.” And then, tragedy struck. “We ended up selling our instruments for drugs. So we became an acoustic, sometimes a-cappella group.” “I don’t remember anything from that year,” admits Terence, “Total fucking blur. I think I was homeless.” “We renamed our acoustic project The Suffocating Nacho, after hearing Terry scream about it for a day or so.” Quoth Geromy. “And then like, this whole pop-punkpost-hardcore thing got popular, so we decided to get a slice for ourselves.” “Yeah man, we’re all about the
Fuck that, we're too cool to write a caption • Yeah, seriously, we're way too fucking cool to write a caption. Fuck man, we're so fucking cool. Photo Courtesy Self Inflicted Wounds
music.” Replied Prazziati. “It’s all about expression of emotional feelings.” The band picked their current name after a long discussion of how hip self-mutilation had become. “Pretty Edgy, Huh?” remarks Geromy, who is considering changing his name to Charlie Monoxide. “Really In-your-face like.” But the road to musical success hadn’t always been an easy one forthwith to traverse. The band struggled to find their sound early on, finally finding it in the most unlikely of places. “We discovered that whatever was playing on the radio was where we wanted to go with our music. It really called to us. Deep-like.” So
announceth the Geromy. “I think that modern rock has fallen astray with a lot of listeners, and we want to reverse that by playing these flagging styles faster and louder than they normally are. I guess you could say we’re inspired by a higher purpose.” “Mostly just Incubus though.” Retorts the always-chatty Terence. But ease has not always been in the cards musically for these musicians. “We had a record deal, but it got fucked up when some cock-block spoilsports from the record corporations decided to sick their lawyers on us.” So reports the Geromy. “Flagrant musical plagiarism, man. U2 totally nailed us, too.
Get ready to hear from your sound holes Hello once again from Musictown USA! This is Jesse coming at you live in-print with some of the best new sounds to hit your head holes since Simon ditched Garfunkel! I have been scouring all of my supersecret resources that only I can find on the internets, to bring into your face microphones! It’s been a while since I’ve written my weekly column about new bands that you should keep an ear out for, so this week has got some exciting new talent for you to check out! First up we’ve got a group of guys that like to call themselves Fall out Boy. I don’t know where they came from, or where they got that crazy name, but boy do they make my feet move! Their latest album is called Infinity on High, and I hear that there are even a few progressive radio stations around the county that are playing their single, This Ain’t a Scene,
it’s an Arms Race. So open your head holes next time you’re flying down the 405 and maybe you’ll get lucky! Next on the list is a band that
great Blink 182, I have discovered a new Lazarus, and it’s name is +44. Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker have joined up with two new, yet equally talented musicians, to bless your sound ports with more of the best PUNK RAWK that can be made by man alone. You are going to start hearing about these boys big time, but just remember where you heard it first! Well, that’s all for this week folks make sure to tune your newspaper dial to the Daily 49rs next week for more great up and comers from the darkest depths of the globe. And don’t forget, that if you just can’t get enough, to check me out on K-Beach Global radio every Friday and Sunday morning at 10am where I blast these tunes and more into the beat orifices of your brain and listeners around the world on my show, New Music Meltdown Mornings with DJ Jesse the Jesus of New Music.
Up And Comers By Jesse Comers has been playing the underground scene for a while called Good Charlotte. I’ve been a fan of these guys from the very beginning and am really glad to see them put out an album that might garner them some mainstream success. To give you an idea of how these dudes rock, why don’t you go put your favorite Ramones CD in the blender, throw in Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon and garnish with a little Beatles to taste. Shove that down you brain port and you’ve got a taste of how Good Charlotte rox! Finally, from the ashes of the late,
How were we supposed to know we had line-for-line copied Joshua Tree. I guess it’s true, nothing new under the sun.” interrupted Terry, dangerously treading on Geromy’s patience. And when it comes to money, it’s been a long and not-very-easy adventure into the harsh realities of recording songs and stuff. After signing a record contract sight-unseen and hiring 3 separate managers to manage the band, the S-IW’s are facing some tough decisions. “We’re still waiting for a few checks to clear, so we’re pretty deep in debt. I don’t know exactly what happened, but somehow we lose money on CD sales. I’ve started telling people
to not buy our music, and they’ve agreed to. We have great fans.” “Like at least 40 of them too.” spewed Prazziati, clearly asking to get slapped. And as long as their voyage has been, so too it has been equally difficult. The band had to kick out their lead guitarist, who had been the only talented member of the group. “He flatly refused to dye his hair. It was a serious gut-check for us as a band, but we persevered.” Says Geromy, and so shall it be written. “I miss Tony,” chimed Prazziati’s big fucking mouth, “His hair was already black, so I don’t even know what the big deal was.”
TODAY, APRIL, 2007
Getting lost on Hollywood and Vine
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer Nothing tickles me more funny than when a band comes on stage after making me wait waaaaaay to long. The anticipation just kills me. I mean the only thing better than seeing your favorite band, is going to see them, and they never show up; how indie is that? Set in a small town adjacent to Los Angeles called Hollywood, the Avalon begs not to be found. Hidden on basically a side street, Vine is only driven by locals, and only the hippest of hipsters walk the streets. If I didn’t Google map this place it would have been impossible to find, so don’t even try to find it on your own. While waiting in line for my press pass someone punched me in the face and called me something that sounded like pussy. When I woke up there were a lot of people wearing tight jeans and converse smoking like chimneys pretending like they didn’t see me; that’s when I knew the night would be awesome. Walking into the Avalon I got a sense that some really big bands have played there. The scent of cheap perfume and whiskey infiltrated my nostrils giving me a contact high that lasted nearly the entire night. It was dark and mysterious; with only the faintest of lights illuminating what once was a late 20’s theater. I took a seat in the balcony as to not allow the ruckus crowd to ruin my experience.
Hollywood and Vine • I think this is the guy that looks like Kurt Cobain, but I'm not sure. Ebola Deeznuts / The Forty-Niners
Alone in the balcony I anxiously awaited the opening band, and man was the wait worth it. A guy dressed like Kurt Cobain took the stage, to minimal applause, and sat in front of a base drum, harmonica, and keyboard. He gracefully played his acoustic guitar while simultaneously playing all three additional instruments. The man sounded like something between late Creed, and early Nickleback; it was music to my ears. But for some reason not one other person in attendance shared in my enthusiasm. They obviously didn’t get the deeper meaning of his music. I was getting antsy, my palms were sweating profusely, and I couldn’t handle the suspense any longer. The extremely funny MC said that my favorite band would be on shortly, and that’s when I almost lost it. I really had to pee, but the thought of
missing one moment of my favorite band’s set forced me to sit crossed legged for the duration of the night. Fifteen minutes later and nothing, thirty minutes later and nearly the entire crowd had left the main floor area. Over the intercom I heard a man say that my favorite band didn’t feel like playing their set, and that they wouldn’t be making up the show anytime in the near future. I knew they were just making sure their real fans were the only ones that waited around, so I did. I waited until they turned out the lights, surely I would hear the screaming guitar rifts soon enough. But they never came on stage, and when the janitor told me I had to leave I knew it was code to go backstage. I was punched again on the way backstage. Man what a night!
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Entertainment News! By Jimmy Spain
By Ebola Deeznuts
The
Variety reports that the 1986 smash hit Howard the Duck is being remade by 20th Century Fox and the studio already has an actor picked out for the starring role. The 4-foot sassy duck with a spit curl will be played by none other than Kyra Sedgwick. “The great thing about casting Kyra as Howard is that we’ll need very little make-up or CGI effects for this film, it’s really the only reason we picked her,” said studio executive Max Glasscock. This new Howard the Duck is due out sometime in Fall 2008 and will most likely be direct to TV. Pixar is looking to the indie film crowd for their next blockbuster success and as such they’re in final talks to remake the 2005 film The Squid and The Whale as a completely computer-animated film. This time however, the film will have an actual animated squid and whale in place of the divorcing parents. The movie will act as a quirky, educational look into why parents get divorced, explaining to children exactly what disheartened parents never could. The only question coming from many Pixar fans’ is which parent will be “The Squid” and which will be “The Whale?” In other Entertainment news, Christopher Nolan is set to direct
next year’s sequel to The Prestige starring James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman as dueling narrators. The movie is said to have insanely high expectations among movie-goers, most likely leaving many to walk out of the theater saying it was “just okay.”
The mega corporation Starbucks is looking to increase their amount of consumers between the ages of 3-12 by funding a new Saturday Morning cartoon entitled “Buck Starlington: Space Age Adventurer!” Buck will be seen every episode crash landing on a new planet (most likely named Lattevia or Frap9) where he will have to battle hideously deformed burn victim aliens and the infamous DecaffeiNazis. McDonalds is expected to rerun episodes of The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald in response. This summer, Gary Busey travels to the furthest reaches of the globe to fight a 1,000 yearold dragon monster. Along the way he befriends a pre-pubescent Godzilla, and together they roam the streets of London learning what it means to be men, and how to love a woman. But there’s one crucial thing that they didn’t learn…and that’s how to find the dragon monster. That is until they realize it’s Godzilla’s dad…and that he has found them. Also Gary Busey has signed on to do a film, The Country Bears 2.
10 TODAY, APRIL, 2007
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The Beach gets X-Treme at The Beach By Öuiah Hløaj
The Forty-Niners Contributing Writer ESPN announced last Thursday that it would bring its uber-popular Summer XGames competition to The Beach. Along with the Special Olympics, this makes two sporting events populated entirely by retards on the CSULB campus. Details have yet to be announced, but ESPN says some of the events will be specific to the campus’ layout. Here is a preview of what summer session students can expect to see:
The Bus-athalon
Bus Skating Bus Skating originated in the heart of East L.A. when young toughs got the bright idea to ride on top of city buses like they were skateboards. Doesn’t sound extreme enough, does it? Well, in the X-Games version, you skate a bus into another guy’s bus, and try to knock him out as you slam together in mid-air. Getting Hit By a Bus Many see Getting Hit By a Bus as a less elegant art form than Bus Skating, but some purists think it’s the only true extreme bus sport. Simple to learn but impossible to master, Getting Hit By a Bus involves getting hit by a bus, at a speed of at least 30 mph. Points are assessed and assigned based on resilience, form in the air, and the sound your body makes as it slams earthward.
Quarter-Pipe Skating
This even is being held in the infamous “Onion Reading a Book” sculpture out in front of Robeks on the second floor of the Student Union. Boarders will skate down the near-vertical slope of the Onion, affectionately referred to by competitors as the “Yun”; when they hit the bottom, it’ll be a trick in and of itself to avoid the hospital.
Bee Bombing
Bee Bombing is a true season sport, that can only be played or practiced at all during the summer. CSULB’s copious honey-bee hives make a perfect location for this contest, in which players throw softballs into bee
hives from one yard away, then run across campus into the USU pool. The player who gets stung the least number of times wins a free ambulance trip to the ER. Losers win a free trip to the bottom of Puvugna. Bell Tower Base Jumping: What would you do with two seconds of airtime? Well some CSULB students think it’s enough time to jump off of the bell tower, base jump chute in hand, and land without a scratch. This event tests even the most hardcore xtreme athletes’ nerves, making it among CSULB’s most watched events. “I saw three men die last year,” said Jack Russell, a CSULB communications major. “They didn’t even get the chute out of their hands. It was pretty hardcore though.”
Escalator Surfing
Razor sharp metal, rickety plastic tables, and a shit load of cajones. Thirty-seven point five steps of death are all that stand in the way of these hellraisers and immortality. Last years record was 4.4 seconds from top to bottom, and all Billy Liar had to endure was three severed fingers, a lacerated kidney, and the complete loss of feeling in his right leg.
Pyramid Balancing Act
The Myd isn’t just a place for basketballers and volleyballers to have fun in; it’s a place for the most daring of darers to stand on one leg at its apex for as long as they possibly can. Hundreds of feet in the air and one tinny gust of wind can throw contestants hurling down the Myd’s glorious, blue, bird shit covered sides. This is the inaugural year for this event, so the sky is the limit.
Downhill Skate Luge The coarse is full of juggling idiots, ranting activists, and squirrels, lots of squirrels.
Exclusive EA Sports NHL '03 Coverage By Nicole Winger
The Forty-Niners Conributing Writer Not many people get a window into an alternate dimension; then again, not many people are sitting alone in the 49rs newsroom at 3 AM on Saturday night, just having been dumped by their girlfriend of three years. You might say that I had an “altered state of consciousness,” and you might be right. But that doesn’t discount what I saw, not one bit. There, on the television screen in the middle of the night, I watched an entire season of NHL hockey played before me (specifically the 2003 season); this wasn’t some cheesy highlight show, no, this was in real time. And let me tell you, it was different from reality. I watch hockey in real life, enough so to know that in 2003, the league champs were the New Jersey Devils. In this world, however, the ice wasn’t owned by the evil devils, but by several also-rans, namely the Philadelphia Flyers, the Boston Bruins, and the Detroit Red Wings. You should have seen it, hockey fans: the Bruins’ Joe Thornton skated around the rink like he had angel wings strapped to
his ankles, and the Flyers were hittin’ folks so hard they made Marty McSorley look like a little bitch. Like I said, my state of mind wasn’t what you’d call “un-altered,” but I can recall enough to accurately say that I watched at least 350 hockey games that night, in their entirety. How is that possible, you ask? Don’t worry about it. Would you ask how it’s possible for Jeremy Roenick to score 13 goals in a game? Not if you’d seen it, friends. This was a world without a strike, a world where hockey teams scored at least 10 goals each, and, most of all, a world with the most entertaining games in hockey history. In all honesty, if the NHL played games this interesting, their ratings would be through the roof. I tried to record a few of the games, especially the playoffs, but all I got was static and the sound of little girls screaming, so I have no proof of what I saw. However, I am planning on staking out all night again this Saturday to see if the alternate world returns; who knows, maybe I’ll get to see the 2004 season this week? Either way, you’re welcome to join me. Especially if you have drugs. I like hockey and drugs.
Boom! • Local sculptures and bell towers are going to be utilized for the X-Treme Sportz Action at The Beach. We think that that is totally rad. Bodacious! Chewie Chow / The Forty-Niners
The death defying luge runs almost the entire length of CSULB’s upper campus, and if done correctly ends somewhere around the Horn Center. Xtreme lugeist have been known to reach speeds of 92 mph when it is time to make the decision of their life; is it the green pastures of the hill near the science building, or is it the hundred or so stairs in front of Coffee Bean strait to victory? Last year’s fastest contestant, and eventual paraplegic Jumping Jack Flash had this to say about the competition, “No matter how tempting the stairs look, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!” Not one contestant has ever finished the entire coarse, but if someone does finish this year, they will be the proud owner of a brand new Sector 9 long board.
Emergency Race
Station
Relay
This is the grand finale of the X-Games at the Beach; two teams position one player at every station on campus, then race from post to post, pushing the emergency call button to start the next runner. The winner gets an escort to their car from a hunky young police officer, and the loser gets mugged by a masked bandit, then carted home penniless and ashamed.
Motorcross Racing? With a TWIST!!!!!!
For the first time in professional motorcross racing, the bikers will race?underwater! That?s right, these pro racers will really have a chance to ?get their feet wet,? as it were, as they try to see who can make it one lap across the 30-foot long pool. To the winner goes the oxygen tank, and to the losers?well, they?ll be learning the combination to Davy Jones? locker.
11 TODAY, APRIL, 2007
Free Dogs Litter of beaten pups. Found outside Parking Services office after staff party. Adorable. Most have all appendages. Contact 562 985 8000
Free Signed limited edition copy of Self Inflicted Wounds platinum first record. Comes with additional in-house performance and borrowed copy of Donnie Darko. Hugs and smiles. Facials. Ladies only, revolutionary new skin cream. Contact beef@lbunion.com.
Lost Our anal virginity. Last seen around Union Weekly office, walking with a limp. If found, call us please! 562 985 8000
Seriously, apply in Youtube comment box (and give five stars plz).
Romance Man seeking bezee with junk in da trunk! A nice bun to be spread wit my jelly! Boom! No really, a pleasant dame with an affinity for learning and epicurian delights will do. Good day. Man looking for women. Must love round features in general, roman jaw, overall jolliness, cuddling, back/ass/ nipple hair, comics maybe, or at the very least not be bummed if I read comics after lackluster sex. Contact beef@lbunion.com. Man seeking man. Interests include opera, jogging, gardening, and other gay shit like that.
Wanted NHL 03 competition. Seriously, we’re getting tired of killing each other on a daily basis. Drop the magic cards and lace up your make-believe skates, bah.
Undeniable evidence of sympathy rule. Hockey is three quarter game, brosef. Feminists good at cutting and pasting things to a sandwich board. We need to get those boys, because Ashley R said that they made fun of us girls and our smelly privates. Also, Verne needs some help shaving her back.
The
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LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME?
Announcement Testicular Torsion is soooooooo real, and will bum you out so bad. It’s two balls, one sack. Think about it!
562-985-8000
Needed A baby, or parents willing to adopt a baby that they will then loan out to us. Basically, we need this baby to sneeze in a dog’s face while we videotape it for youtube. A testicle which has become unloosed from its skin casing and unraveled like silly string. Basically, we need this testicle string, so that we may dangle it above a dog’s head while
he jumps up trying to eat it. Did I mention that we’ll be filming this for youtube? A video camera, and/or baby with access to a video camera/dog/unspooled testicle. A room to store my incredibly chuge porno collection. Reason not to kill my fat wife
and three horribly ugly children. She promised me that she wouldn’t let herself go, she fucking promised.
Condoms for Rent 1 condom with plenty of extra space, gated community, 24 hour security, hardwood floors, pets welcome. Priced to move quick.
Employment Union editor looking for honest, hard working testicle. Free room and board. Fuck your mother in the pants? “What’s Up Beach” is looking for you. Talented writers and personalities needed, badly. Bros before Hos.
Campus Voice
"What do you think about the closing of The 49rs Newspaper?"
"It's going to be really... really cold... without that single sheet of insulation every night, my tuberculosis might start acting up again. *cough* *cough* Oh God, what is that? It's red and warm." – "Two Arms" Tim Ward, Hobo King, 2 years running
"Oh, it's a crying shame really. Those kids work hard. Having 'special' students run a newspaper is a creative idea for social development, but it sounds like it looked better on paper than in reality. There's always Subway." – Skip Encarnacion, Junior, Sympathetic Studies with minor in douchery
"49rs?" – Chilly Palmer
"Oh, bad luck is! I read paper everyday when I first come to US, and job they gave me. Headlines I wrote all year long. Union Fuck staff!" – Ivana Talkvel, Junior, major of English
“Print journalism is a decaying corpse anyway, really, so I guess they’re, ahead of the trend. Some real talent in there, and I’m not talking about attractive girls, obviously.” – Ian Denial, Long Beach Press-Telegram Talent Scouter
12 TODAY, APRIL, 2007
That's it, I quit, and this Sports page sucks I’m not saying I’m quitting journalism completely, but I am quitting this second rate, poorly managed piece of shit excuse for a rag school publication. I can’t win, and I’m not just talking about the race for best sports coverage on campus. I wrote a column earlier this year entitled “This Sports Page is Bad, But it Will Get Better.” I lied. I can’t win with the editors in charge who continue to give me minimal space and minimal recourses to do my job of relaying the up most important Long Beach State athletic information. Any new writers that walk into the office are offered opportunities to write for every other section but mine. I can’t do it all by my self, even though I have for the past year and a half. How about this lay out? Does it look like I know what I’m doing? Yea didn’t think so. Did you see the lay out for our NCAA basketball tournament coverage? With that picture cutting the column in half it was harder to follow than Jai-alai. How about the space they give me? Minimal at best. I can’t fit the entire Big West woman’s water polo preview into a page and a half. Who am I, Houdini? I never even liked sports growing up. I was so bad at them that my little league coach made me the “honorable bat boy.” I can’t even watch sports on TV, unless it’s the playoffs, of course. What doesn’t make my job any easier is the
fact that the athletes I interview know exactly what publication I write for. I can’t win with them either. You try to get a solid answer when the interviewee’s first comment is, “you write for that shitty paper?” That on top of the fact that no one seems to like me very much. This job is impossible. I even tried my hand at predictions, but that fell on its face like every other sport feature idea that this paper has tried. I wrote an article predicting that even if the woman’s soccer team lost in the Big West Tournament, they would still be chosen by the NCAA committee to participate in the year ending tournament. The soccer team lost, and was subsequently left out of the NCAA’s. I anticipated a woman’s volleyball victory in the NCAA regional held in the Pyramid, but the ladies lost to Hawaii. After an unsuccessful year of predicting, I held off my praise of the men’s basketball team until they had officially wrapped up the regular season Big West Championship. When they did in fact win the regular season crown, I rode my wave of good fortune and said that head coach Larry Reynolds would keep his job if the team won the Big West Tournament. They did, but once again I was proved wrong when Reynolds was fired a few days after the end of the team’s season ended. After I clean out my drawer, I will use my new found free time to promote my rap album, “Cravin' Bitch, What!”
The
49rs
Three-Point Shot!
Dick Cravin'
Louis Darby 49er Three-point extrordinaire • Darby sets up to put the nail in the coffin during the 3rd quarter of a basketball match versus visiting Minnie Gant Elementary. Darby scored fifteen wickets in the second inning of the game to tie a club-high. Chewie Chow / Daily Sixty-Niner
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