60.10 by Union Weekly

[Issue 60.10]

The Best of Long Beach Letter from the Editor

t’s no big secret that Cal State Long Beach is regarded as a commuter school. Why is that? Well, it’s probably because a large portion of the students travel from the local area to campus for their classes and then travel home. That, and we only have 2,000 students actually living on campus. Not to mention that CSULB students really don’t have a local watering hole to call their own. Go to any other �� “�� college town��”�� in the nation, and you’ll find fine establishment after fine establishment and affordable student housing within walking distance of the campus. It’s also no big secret that most of the students on campus are sick of this reputation. Take for instance, newly-elected ASI President Mark Andrews, who campaigned largely on the platform of erasing the commuter school stigma. CSULB President F. King Alexander is dedicated to the cause as well. But what about Long Beach? What is the city doing to reel students into staying in town? From the look of it: not much. The campus is stuck over on the East side of Long Beach, nestled in between the 22 and the 405, surrounded by some of the highest priced properties in the city (not counting the beach-side property), so it’s not hard for the rest of the city to forget about us. I know that, in the past, I’ve complained that the student body needs to pick up the slack when it comes to spirit, but we’re not the only ones to blame. It also comes down to the city waking up and realizing that every weekday, the city’s population rises and falls with those commuting students, and there is absoutely no reason students

shouldn’t be sticking around a little longer then they are. What the city can do to change this, I do not know, but I do know that spread out like a shotgun scatter, there are some diamonds in the rough of the greater Long Beach area that are, for lack of a better term �� “�� student friendly;��”�� the types of places that you wouldn’t be shocked to see someone wearing BEACH gear at. So we’ve compiled this issue, what we’re calling the �� “�� Best of Long Beach.» �� Last year, we tried our hand at exposing the Bests and Worsts of the Campus, so we thought we’d expand our focus this time around. For the most part, we chose places around Long Beach that give it that certain flair that residents have come to enjoy. I say “�� for the most part��”�� because �� Signal Hill and Seal Beach (while technically not part of Long Beach) offer some pretty great stuff too, and are closer to campus than even Downtown LB. If you’re not too familiar with the Long Beach area, consider this your guide to getting out there and exploring it. Just keep in mind that everything you’re about to read is completely opinionated and in no way scientific and is in absolutely no way complete; these are just some of the places that we simply love and wanted to share with you. And if you’re one of the thousands of students who call Long Beach their home, I’m sure you’re going to have some objections or additions to our list, and that’s awesome. Go ahead and go onto our website (www.lbunion.com) and post a message in the blog about some of the great places that we may have missed.

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

By Katie Wynne

Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)

An inconvenient illness made your break fall a little flat, but fear not. This week you will accidentally ingest an ancient recipe for quick healing and mind control that will make this week the best in months. Welcome back, snuggle-bottom.

Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)

You may not understand now, but believe me when I say that people are going to want to hear that song you sang in the shower this morning. If you didn’t shower today, go home and start over. Your mastery of words in that watery, musical chamber is about to send the world into chaos. Welcome back, Ol’ Blue Eyes.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)

You didn’t make it back across the border yet, but if you are reading this a couple of week’s from now just know that I would have come to your aide if you had called twenty minutes earlier. That night was really hectic for me. Welcome back, amigo.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)

You didn’t realize what they meant when they said, “We should take a spring break” until it was too late. I’m sorry, and I am also sorry that you had to see us like that. I feel a bit awkward about everything, but I hope that we can still keep in touch. Welcome back, runner up.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

You weren’t ready for classes to start up again, which was obvious when you walked into class today covered in stale nacho crumbs and spiced rum. No worries, just remember that there are only six weeks left until finals. Welcome back, spareribs.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)

You are devastatingly good looking and with each step wit and charm ooze out of every pore. People gravitate towards your positive energy, and secretly your friends want to be more like you. This week your ability to win the lottery will leave you with an extra four hundred bucks–wait, you’re a Virgo? Strike the above. Welcome back, schmuck.

Moon Editor

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)

Your idea for a campus monorail may have been shot down, but don’t let that deter your from sharing other ideas with those around you. Eventually people will understand and value your genius. I would meditate on the kangaroo campus police officers though, that needs some work. Welcome back, mate.

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mikeg@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com

Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Drew Evans Michael Pallotta Copy Editors Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)

Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)

Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, James Kislingbury, Derek Crossley, Darren Davis, Jimmy Dinh, Drew Evans, Steven Carey, David Faulk, Christopher Troutman, Cynthia Romanowski, Patricia Alonzo, Alan Passman, Jennifer Schwartz, Anna Mavromati, Matthew Blanchett, Jason Oppliger, Marcus Bockman, Ryan Ortega, Alan Passman

This week you will be focused on your family, which is nice. Families are good to have. I wish I had a family still. Listen, stay close to your family forever and ever. Sometimes they may do things that you disagree with, or they may leave you in the woods by accident and never come back. Cherish these times. Welcome back, lucky. Thanks to new radio technology you just discovered a new band called, The Cranberries. I think that it would be a sin to keep that to yourself, so make sure that you tell everyone you know about this great new band that is changing the way we view female lead vocalists, okay? Welcome back, zah-ahm-bay, zah-ahm-bay, zahahm-bay a-ah a-ah.

Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)

What’s up, corn dawg? I hope your break was swell because this week is going to be a rough one. We are talking a total re-evaluation of your entire existence. This will be sparked when you watch a Planet Earth marathon tonight and realize how small you really are in relation to the universe. Welcome back, speck.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)

Check you out with your new knapsack and Trapper Keeper. I am really proud of you. You know, you have really made the most of this semester so far and that’s commendable. Seriously, you have been getting along really well. Welcome back, Kotter.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life. When the world never seems, to be living up to your dreams. And suddenly you’re finding out, the facts of life are all about you. All about you. Welcome back, buddy.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Questions? Comments? Mail Phone Fax E-mail Web

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 562.985.4867 562.985.5684 info@lbunion.com www.lbunion.com

9 April 2007

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

49ers Find Gold With New Basketball Coach We know he’s a family man, and that he turned Gonzaga into the national power it is now; but can Dan Monson bring the 49ers to the promise land?

By Chris Barrett Union Staffer

Short Guys Are Way Sad, Dead Research out of Sweden has found that short men are more than twice as likely to commit suicide as tall men. The trend didn’t stem from socioeconomic, prenatal, psychiatric, or marital factors. The study did find alcoholism contributed significantly to the higher suicide rate. The study failed to comment on how many of the deaths resulted from short people falling distances that would result in only minor injuries for normal-height men.

By Ryan Kobane News Director

f ever there were a polar opposite of Larry Reynolds, it would be Dan Monson. During his first few moments at the podium as newly appointed head coach, Monson showed more charisma than did Reynolds in his entire tenure at California State University, Long Beach. As Vic Cegles took to the stage at 10 a.m. on a gloomy Saturday morning, the Pointe Room was full of Boosters, directors, and press, all anxiously awaiting the announcement of CSULB’s new Men’s Basketball head coach. What they got were smiles, laughs, and optimism; something most in the room haven’t felt in almost five years. “We were looking for someone committed to discipline, and also committed to building a program,” said Cegles. “We found that in Dan Monson.” The search lasted all of eighteen days. During that short span of time at least half a dozen candidates were interviewed for the head coaching position. Former coaches Mike Montgomery and Rick Majerus were talked to, along with current assistant coaches Cameron Dollar of the University of Washington and Kerry Keating of UCLA. But ultimately Monson was decided to be the best possible fit for CSULB.

But Should

Photos by Ryan Kobane (Left) Athletic Director Vic Cegles gives Dan Monson his very first CSULB Basketball jacket during Thursday’s press conference. (Right) Monson laughs and smiles; thank god!

“I want people to start talking about the now, not the past” said Monson. “There isn’t any magic 49er dust to throw on the program, it’s going to take a lot of hard work. It’s something I think I’m ready for.” Monson has been a Division I coach for 10 years, turning programs like Gonzaga into the national power they are today, and most recently at the University of Minnesota where he led the Golden Gophers to five post-season appearances before he was let go after a slow start to the 2006-07 season. “I learned a lot from him both recruiting and basketball-wise and he’s a big part of the success we’ve had at Gonzaga University,” said Gonzaga Head Coach Mark Few. “It’s a great

fit and I know he’ll do a great job.” It wasn’t until Thursday that Monson was officially offered the job, and as he says, it wasn’t a job that immediately jumped out at him. “I didn’t know it was a fit until I came to the campus and met Vic and President Alexander,” said Monson. “But once we had the offer and I knew my family was excited I knew it was the place for me.” A five-year deal is still in the works as of print time, but preparation for next season has already begun according to Monson. “I don’t want to lose next year,” said Monson. “I’m here to win and build a program. I’m excited about the possibilities.”

Andrews Elected as ASI President in Run-Off

CSU’s Reach Agreement With Faculty, No Strike in CSULB’s Future

Mark Andrews poised to take over ASI presidency after winning by the slimmest of margins in run-off over Mistry

By Mike Guardabascio

By Ryan Kobane

News Savior

News Director

The CSU system reached an agreement with the faculty union last week that will prevent a teacher’s strike at CSULB and across the CSUs. The CSU Board of Trustees announced on March 25 th that the current faculty contract was extended to the 6 th of April while a new contract was finalized. A little over a week later, the new contract was signed and the terms made public: it guarantees a 21 percent raise over the next four years for all faculty, with some professors eligible for up to a 31 percent increase. John Travis, president of the California Faculty association, told the AP that the new deal is, “Pretty much…everything that we’d asked for.” CSU Chancellor Charles Reed said that, “This agreement strikes a realistic balance between providing deserved raises to our faculty and our limited financial resources.” The new contract ends the imminent threat of rolling strikes, and is worth a grand total of about $400 million to the union’s 23,000 members.

It takes 50% plus one to win in a run-off election; Mark Andrews got 50.9%, and will now be your ASI president and CEO for the upcoming 07-08 academic year. “I was out there from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. everyday during the run-off,” said Andrews. “I really feel that was the difference, I got enough people to feel like they should go out and vote not once, but twice for me.” Andrews will be taking over for the current ASI president Shefali Mistry effective June 1st, and says there is a lot to do before then to make his job as president as effective and efficient as it can be. “Starting now I feel that we (ASI) need to fill all open positions in the Senate. I hope to have a full house come next semester,” said Andrews. Entering the run-off current President Shefali Mistry actually had a definitive lead (46.7% of the votes to Andrews 35.7%) but lacked the 51% of votes needed to be re-elected as ASI president. “I’m pretty disappointed,” said Mistry. “I was surprised when the results came out.” After everything was tabulated, it came

Starting now I feel that we (ASI) need to fill all open positions in the Senate. I hope to have a full house come next semester. -Mark Andrews

07-08 ASI President

down to only 19 votes campus-wide separating the two candidates. And while Andrews ended out being elected by his student body, only 1,027 people voted in the election, something Andrews says needs to change. “It was a horrible turn out,” said Andrews. “I’m at least glad that some students took the time to speak their minds. I really think that we should be seeing numbers double or triple that though.” President Mistry also commented that the turn out was “embarrassing”. Mistry, currently a fine arts major, still plans on giving her expertise and experience to ASI for the upcoming year, but as of now has not decided to what extent. “I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing next year,” said Mistry. “I still have to be appointed. But I really felt like I focused on reaching out to students, and I feel like I can still be a large help for ASI in the future.” Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be reached at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

What a Gay World After All Disney land, Disney World, and Disney’s cruise line have all modified their Fairy Tale Wedding guidelines to accommodate commitment ceremonies aimed at same-sex couples. This is in response to criticism from gay groups aimed at Disney for previously barring gay couples from these ceremonies and from holding commitment ceremonies in areas designated for wedding ceremonies. Now Disney is coming under scrutiny from the Southern Baptist Convention, which has declared this move as promoting a gay agenda. The Southern Baptist Convention previously boycotted Disney from 1997 to 2005 on the grounds that Disney gave health benefits to same-sex couples, allowed gays to celebrate Gay Day in their theme parks, and employed Ellen DeGeneres. In similar news, I’m boycotting Vons ‘cause my roommate uses their food to make dishes that I personally don’t find appetizing.

Jackson 5, More Like Jackson 500 Foot With the help of Las Vegas, Michael Jackson plans to construct a 50-foot robotic replica of himself that will roam the desert and shoot lasers as part of an elaborate show. Blueprints for the show and robot have already been approved by Michael, who hopes the robot is the first thing people see when flying into Las Vegas. The star hopes that the show will lead to a comeback after his troubling 2004 child sex case. I think if anything can do it, it’s a 50foot robot that shoots lasers.

San Francisco Gets Even Smuggier Ugh, seriously, who does San Francisco think they are? Now they’re going to tell us we can’t have our groceries bagged in plastic bags. I mean, sure paper bags are recyclable and compostable whereas plastic bags are made out of the fossil fuels we are running desperately low on, but what happened to the right to ignorantly waste scarce resources?

Mon. 9th Tues. 10th Wed. 11th Thur. 12th Fri. 13th Your Weekend Hi 66° Lo 56° Hi 67° Lo 55° Hi 68° Lo 55° Hi 65° Lo 52° Hi 70° Lo 56° Cloudyish Cloudyish Sunny Sunny Sunny 9 April 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hi 70° Lo 57° Grand Prix?

Opinions

Making A Case For Capitalism By Ryan Ortega Contributor

The Che Guevara of The Afterlife By Derek Crossley Union Staffer I’ve been a devout atheist, if you’ll excuse the joke, since I was four years old. That’s not to say that religion doesn’t fascinate me. I’ve read chunks of the Koran, dabbled in the Tao, meditated on the teachings of the Buddha, been to a Bar Mitzvah or two. I happen to agree that cows (and for that matter, all animals) are sacred, choosing to take the “thou shalt not kill” advice literally, unlike my cross-waving brethren, who seem to take pleasure in the decadent murder of “god’s” creation, (this is a less than subtle hint for all monotheists out there to go vegan). I’ve memorized teachings of more than one incarnation of the Dalai Lama and have read the Bible cover to cover, on more than one occasion—the majority of “Christians” I know, who put their life, death and afterlife in the hands of “god,” have not. This perplexes me. If I were to believe in a divine power, I would definitely want to get the whole scoop, and not just the ravings of men that claim to interpret “god’s” wishes for others. Does the Bible not say, in the New Testament of course, that there should be nothing between man and “god?” Did Jesus, who (aside from the fact that he supposedly claimed to be the son of “god”) I find very likeable, not destroy the temple because he knew the church to be corrupt? Which makes me think about people’s relationships with “god.” What are they trying to get out of them? What purpose does “god” serve to them? And in what way, if any, are heaven and “god” preferable to hell and “Satan?” Are they not two sides of the same coin? Which poses another question. I wonder what heaven is to a Biblethumping evangelist? Maybe his heaven is getting to do all the things he didn’t get to do when he was alive. Maybe a priest’s heaven is going to bars and getting wasted, having sex with underage girls, stealing by the truckload, sodomizing men in bath-houses and lying like a rug. Because if heaven were just lounging around all day, eating grapes and listening to harps, I think a lot of people would be trying to get to hell. I for one would much rather take a deity that said, “Fuck you god, you can’t have it all,” because, at the very core, when you take away all the neoChristian anti-pagan overtones, Satan, Lucifer, whichever moniker you choose, was an angel. He was an angel that didn’t think “god” should call all the shots; that maybe people should have a say in their lives. So I for one, would much rather take the Che Guevara of the afterlife than the Mussolini. I would rather question than buy into blind faith, take freedom over totalitarianism, chocolate over vanilla, and most importantly, fun over anything. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Recently there has been a war going on. I am not talking about the war on terror, but an attack on corporate America. Big oil has taken the brunt of this ongoing anti-capitalist hate parade. Exxon-Mobil is the world’s most profitable company and recently reported a record profit amount of $39.5 billion in 2006, translating into an astounding $75,000 per second. On the contrary, advertisement spots in this year’s Super Bowl ran for an average of $85,000 per second and nobody seemed to be complaining. There has been pressure from several Democrats to put a windfall tax on corporate profits and even cut CEO pay. Now gas prices have risen above $3.00 per gallon again in California and everyone in the State is feeling the pressure, including myself. Despite this, the last thing we should do is penalize companies for being profitable. Nobody seemed to take issue when these companies were not making record profits despite the fact they had the same operating costs of refining and delivering their petroleum product to the pump. Furthermore, the executive officers who run these companies deserve to be paid a high wage if the company is producing higher profits each quarter. The reason top executives are paid so much is similar to why talented athletes get jumbo salaries. It is because they produce large amounts of revenue and their salary is usually a small percentage of the money they generate each year. The problem is many Americans feel cheated and even ripped off by large corporations. The truth of the matter is that corporations are in business to make money for their shareholders, not to do charity work. If you are unhappy with the cost to fill your tank then it is time to invest and share in the profits. Try researching an exchange traded fund or mutual fund instead of complaining about a company helping to make your commute easier. These issues have hit close to home here on campus as students and teachers alike have been outraged in a fight over money and power. The California State University Union members have been engaged in a contract dispute and the Trustees of the California State University system raised fees 10% adding another $252 to the tuition cost. It is not difficult to see why this battle is

Illustration By Steven Carey

occurring. Instead of a free market, we have a socialist educational system. Anybody who has ever been to certain government agencies knows that the lack of competition breeds laziness. After all, why would you put more effort into your job if you knew your salary was capped out and you could not be fired? Many successful educators agree the tenure system is flawed. Sure bad professors have reason to worry. On the other hand, great instructors know they would be getting a raise just as someone in a private industry would for excellence. Abolishing the tenure system would improve the quality of professors and enhance students’ chances for academic success. Inflation, as measured by the CPI, is currently under control, but certain goods and services are costing more than the average. Higher education has been going up in cost for a long time and it is not surprising to see this increase, yet there is no shortage of complaining on campus. However, many

students have the luxury of an iPod costing around $250 so there should be no excuses. It seems clear laissez-faire capitalism is the best way to provide us with the highest quality of life. Nevertheless, this does not stop global-warming-crazed Gulf stream liberals from proclaiming their socialist propaganda as they continue to push their agenda of rewarding the lazy. In the spirit of being fair and balanced I will note many rightwing religious conservatives are against the policies of Hugo Chavez, but fully support the Pope, who runs a similar scam by stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. I hope the corporate bashers will have the courage to admit the flaws in their logic and stop living in a hypocritical dream world. After all, greed in moderation can be good, and capitalism epitomizes every American’s dream. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Scarf’s European Travel Guide: Pamplona, Spain My heart was pumping fast and my legs were ready to run at any moment. The screams of the crowd were suddenly silenced with the burst of fireworks and then a thundering sound from hooves on concrete: the bulls were coming. In Pamplona every year you can find Sanfermines, the running of the bulls on July 7th and lasting for a week. Every day of the week, early in the morning, bulls run a course through the city and crazy folk like me run with them before the bull fights. In the afternoon people start to drink and festivities start. Most people dress in all white with a red bandana and a red scarf around the waist—not just tourists, but the entire city—turning the crowds into a huge sea of white and red. They drink like crazy until the sun comes up, with bands playing in the street and impromptu parades and dance parties. Everything is literally packed and sleep is not an option. Don’t even bother to book a room; let yourself be swallowed by the party with tens of thousands of drunken Spaniards and a few drunk foreigners. My adrenaline rush lasted about an hour after a bull’s horn whizzed by just inches from my chest. It is one of those things you have to experience in your life, but be safe.

-Michaël “Scarf” Veremans

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9 April 2007

Transfers Got Spirit Too Sex and the CSULB

[Opinions]

By Anna Mavromati

By Kathy Miranda

Contributor

Union Staffer

’m no pep-rally girl, but for the first time ever, I have school spirit. Ever since I decided which university I was transferring to, the same question has popped up in almost every conversation I’ve had: “Why Cal State Long Beach?” It’s a casual question and I assume that everyone who asks it is probably expecting some reasonable, common answer. Maybe I love the campus. Maybe Long Beach has a fantastic Journalism program that I can’t turn down. Maybe my family is full of Long Beach alumni. But to be honest, I didn’t have any particular reason for choosing Long Beach. When I accepted my admission, I had never even seen the campus before, I knew very little about the Journalism program, and my parents went to school in the Midwest. Originally, my transfer from a community college to CSULB was motivated by practicality. I could commute to Long Beach and save myself the expense of moving out, and CSULB was one of the few universities that accepted mid-year transfers. Plus, those bastards at UC Irvine rejected my application. Long Beach was basically the rebound relationship of my college education. But don’t get me wrong; it’s not a rebound that I’m going to take for granted. I have never understood “school spirit.” For me, college was just something I had to go through to get a career. Which university I ended up at didn’t really matter. I was never in love with a particular university anyway. I just applied to colleges that were relatively nearby and offered my major: journalism. This apathetic attitude towards education was furthered by my experiences in community college. Though I enjoyed the cheaper classes and the nearby location, the general mission of community college students is to get their education over with and graduate. But something strange happened to me the first day. I actually wanted to buy a “Go Beach!” sweater. Was that actually a hint of enthusiasm? I was surprised with myself. My excitement about attending a new school continued to build up as the beginning of the semester drew nearer. I would drive to Long Beach to take walks around the campus. I was looking forward to the classes that I had registered for. After two and a half years of community college, I was excited about being someplace new. The semester is well underway and that interest still hasn’t faded. In fact, I plan to keep that enthusiasm alive. Something about being here has made me a less apathetic student and for that, Long Beach has been the best rebound decision I’ve ever made.

As a devoted viewer of Sex and the City, I was always exposed to casual sex, but I never understood why it was so appealing. I grew up believing that sex should only be the outcome of love. At one point, I was even told it was a sin. A sin! I disagree. Women should never have to justify why they enjoy sex, nor should they ever be ashamed of having sex. Unfortunately, most of the time we are reluctant to admit to enjoying sex, which is silly, because we all know sex is great. I am aware of the difficulty a woman faces when confronting this issue. There’s a fine line that determines how much is okay, too much, or just plain scandalous. We girls keep matters like these to ourselves and hope that no one ever asks, “So, how many?” As this number runs through our minds, we don’t know whether to feel ashamed or proud. But is it wrong to be satisfied with the activities you enjoy? I’d never feel guilty for eating too much or going out dancing on the weekends, why should I feel guilty for having sex? Most would argue that sex, at its core, is an act of love—a symbol of commitment. And for the most part, I agree. But what about those who haven’t fallen in love, those who are just looking for a good time? I know that sounds bad, but most of the time, girls are so worried about their reputations, they never mention sex at all. I’d rather hear you talk about your sexual encounters than hear you lying about not having any just to make yourself appear to be “innocent.” There are those who do choose to wait, who I have the utmost respect for. But, if you wave your virginity in my face and act like you’re better than everyone else, that respect is lost. The bottom line is, we shouldn’t have to lie about whether or not we’ve had sex to justify our self-worth. We’re not any less respectable just because we’ve had sex, nor are we any better just because we’ve decided to wait. Of course, there are exceptions; some girls can get a little too crazy, which is when the name-calling starts to take place. At that point, it’s really up to the girl to decide whether or not she’s out of control. At least she’s comfortable with her sexuality. Basically, sex is good for you. Not only does it fulfill your physical desires, it can also be quite refreshing, like a good shower. I’m not advocating promiscuous sex nor am I suggesting we should deny our sexual desires. I just think we’d all breathe easier if we accepted that sex is not a crime, not a sin, and not a bad thing at all. Ladies, do what you want and be proud. The guys can’t have all the fun.

9 April 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Random Rants! On Six-Dollar Burrito Bowls: Chipotle’s great, don’t get me wrong on that, they’re just not as great as they used to be. When they first opened up, you could get a delicious, filled to the brim burrito bowl for a mere six bucks (after tax). These days, the price is the same, and the food’s just as tasty, but you get about half of what you used to. That really pickles my peppers. Six dollars is a lot for fast food, and I for one, would like my money’s worth. Maybe it’s just the Burrito God’s way of telling me I eat too much. Way too much. I’ve found a way to get around it though. Just ask for extra everything but meat (they charge you two bucks for extra meat). Be coy about it and they’ll never see it coming. Flirt a little. Wink and say, “Hey, can I get a little more of that rice? Oh, while you’re at it, can I get both kinds of beans?” Get two salsas too. They’re down for that.

-Erin Hickey

On Meat and About Gout: Someone just told me how one gets gout. All you have to do to get it is eat a ton of salty meat, which instantly reminded me that I had a pastrami sandwich with extra pastrami for lunch, and that the other night I had only meat for dinner (carne asada and a thing of salami from tradey j’s. Looking back I really should’ve wrapped the carne asada around the salami and ate it that way. I mean if you’re in for a penny, you’re in for a pound right). I expect to have some kind of toe pain soon. I’m not really angry about probably getting gout. I have no regrets. It’s not even guaranteed that I’ll get it, it’s just that I’m a mild hypochondriac and an avid consumer of meat. Hell, I’d take a heart-shaped box of steaks over chocolates any day.

-Mike Pallotta Upset About Something? Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students who may or may not give a shit). Send your one hundred-word rants to: erin@ lbunion.com and see ‘em in print.

Sports

~West Coast~ Why not start on the best coast? In the American League, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have the pitching to take the division, but nothing is for sure this year. Like the AL Central last season, the West is full of young pitching talent. Highlighting that list is the Angels’ Ervin Santana and former Dirtbag Jared Weaver, but don’t forget about Seattle’s Felix Hernandez or Oakland’s Dan Haren. On the AL offensive side of things, there is Vlad and then everybody else. The big daddy has started the season with a bang, and if someone can protect him, this could be his MVP year. Bottom line, the Angels’ bullpen should prove to be the difference in the late months. Shields to K-Rod, doesn’t get much better than that. On the National League side, the West has become arguably the best overall division after multiple years of carrying the “NL Worst” tag line. The Giants are old but talented, and Bruce Bochy can only improve your ball club. The Rockies and Diamondbacks are both carrying some of the best young talent in the league. The Padres have finally realized their ball club needs to complement their ballpark, and the Dodgers have the best pitching on paper in the league. Needless to say, it’s going to be a great race that could turn into all five teams beating up on other divisions and then beating up on each other. At the end of the year,

~ Dirtbag Danny Espinosa, responding to a ticket salesman’s request that he ante up the money for a ticket, “Just pay the $8 and support the program.”

Baseball Bottom Line: 2007

with

Illustration By Philip Vargas

don’t look at the division’s overall record but their overall record against the other divisions. Bottom line, this will be a dogfight and there’s a good chance the wild card will come out of the West for the second straight year. The Giants need a healthy Bonds, which probably won’t happen, and the Padres need a healthy Greg Maddox, which probably won’t happen either. There is no such thing as too much youth, but if there were then Arizona and Colorado would stumble at some point. That leaves the Dodgers, who need to stay healthy and have their pitching staff perform up to their salaries, which is more likely than Bonds playing 100 games or the Rockies being this year’s Marlins. ~Central~ On the National League side of the Central, watch out for the Milwaukee Brewers. They have improved at almost every position from last year, and youngsters like Price Fielder and J.J. Hardy look to get that much closer to their potential after impressive ‘06 campaigns. Not to mention the fact that starter Ben Sheets could be an early pick for the NL Cy Young Award. It’s not going to be easy to knock off the world champion Cardinals, though, who picked up another former Angel, second baseman Adam Kennedy. And there’s also this guy named Pujols. Bottom line, Albert Pujols. That’s it. In the American League Central, the division is up for grabs. The Indians look like the favorite because, why not, someone dif-

ferent wins this division each year. The White Sox will be dangerous because of their new found experience, as will the Tigers, whose young talent on the mound needs to prove that last year wasn’t a fluke. Bottom line, there is only one thing for sure, the Royals aren’t good and smart money says they never will be. ~East Coast~ The National League East looks a little top heavy because after the Mets and Braves there is minimal talent. The Phillies will never win in that cracker box of a ballpark with the pitching they run out every year. The Marlins ran off the best thing to happen to them in former manager Joe Girardi, and the Nationals are waiting for their new stadium to even field a competitive team. Bottom line, this is a two horse race, the Mets leading around the first turn with the best lineup in the league. In the American League, the surprise could be the Orioles. After spending a ton of money on their bullpen, the O’s hope they can get early leads and hand the ball to their golden arms. One problem, as they found out on Saturday when Alex Rodriguez hit a walk-off grand slam in the bottom of the ninth, they still play in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox. Bottom line, this is also a two horse race, and if Dice-K can win anywhere near 20 games, the Bo-Sox could keep the Yankees out of the playoffs for the first time in a long time. Questions? Comments?

Let us know what you think at www.lbunion.com Also, check out the Union SportsNight podcast for more!

Live From Da Bay: Friday Night’s Alright For Fightin’ Vincent Girimonte Admitted Giants Fan It’s Friday night in San Francisco’s beautiful AT&T Park. Giants vs. Dodgers. Northern California vs. Southern California. Right vs. Wrong. The best rivalry in baseball (this side of the Mississippi) lies before me, and the only thing colder than the Dodger-Giant tension is this damn fog rolling in off the bay. Noah Lowry and Brad Penny treated the spectators to an old fashioned pitcher’s duel. The game was tight all the way through. Excluding two bonehead plays, both defenses were very solid, and at times spectacular. The Giants came out aggressive on the base paths, but were stonewalled by two lasers thrown to second base by Dodger catcher Russell Martin. Shortly thereafter, Giant

Straight

t’s going to cost you $15 to park at Dodger Stadium this year, and you still can’t tailgate. Barry Bonds is going to invade the history books, for better or more likely worse. Roger Clemens might actually hold a few teams hostage in June for a half-year contract, with the magazine lettered ransom note and everything. Just like every year, there are controversial story lines. But since we are now a week into the season, how about we just talk some baseball bottom lines?

Quote O’ The Week “I’m the program”

shortstop Omar Vizquel turned the sexiest double play I’ve ever seen. Indeed, there was plenty of entertainment on the field to satisfy any baseball enthusiast. Did I mention Barry Bonds was in left field? But that was only the game aspect of the game. In the stands, rival fists swung with a predictable rhythm that was likely dictated and fueled by alcohol. The night had many train wreck moments; you just had to watch. My brothers and I witnessed what was easily the longest fight we had ever seen at a sporting event. It was a good two minutes before the situation was resolved. Then, up high in the nosebleeds, a scuffle broke out, one fan being tossed over five rows of seats. A guy wearing a Dodgers jersey inscribed with “Hollywood” called the action “gnarly.” Well put, I thought. The Dodgers held on to defeat the Gi-

ants, but only after a drama-filled ninth inning. Even still, as we exited the stadium amidst various profane arguments between blue and orange, I felt like the game took a backseat to the lunacy that has become a Dodger-Giant Friday night event. I’ll certainly admit that the brawls added a dose of adrenaline to the stadium’s atmosphere. They fire everybody up (including me), but the game should always come first. You couldn’t help but wonder why these so called “fans” had showed up that evening. Was it to watch a top-notch divisional rivalry, or to throw blows? So, to these boxers, grapplers, and in some cases, stunt men, I’ve but one thing to say: sit down and watch the damn game, please. But if you have to fight, make sure to do it between innings.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ROOF

JJ Fiddler

The “full body of work.” I’ve heard this expression more in the last few months then ever before. When Martin Scorsese won his first Acadamy Award, it wasn’t just for The Departed, it was for his full body of work. When the NCAA Selection Committee sat down to place the field of 65, they didn’t just look at how a team finished the season or how they finished in their conference tournament. It was based on their full body of work. When the NFL front office was deciding whether or not to punish Pacman Jones for his off-the-field shenanagins, they weren’t looking at only one of his ten run-ins with the law. They took into consideration his full body of work. When Vic Cegles and F. King Alexander were deciding on Larry Reynold’s future, they didnt just look at his 24 victories, Big West title and trip to the Big Dance this last year. They looked at his full body of work that included three seasons of 10 or fewer wins and trouble with the NCAA. The decision was made, and over the weekend Long Beach hired former Gonzaga and Minnesota head coach, Dan Monson. Naturally, they chose him after they looked at his full body of work. * * * The excitement was palpable during the press conference to announce Monson as the newest coach here at Long Beach. Cegles was all glowing praise and jokes as he introduced his first hire since arriving. F. King was laughing out loud at the smallest joke Monson or Cegles threw out, and the boosters were all smiles and nods as Monson addressed them for the first time. And Monson felt no need to hide his excitement, “I know I’m going to say this a lot, but, I’m just really excited to be here.” We are excited to have you, Dan. This is a guy who started as a graduate assistant at Alabama-Birmingham University, worked his way up the ladder, and helped turn Gonzaga into the mid-major powerhouse it is today. In 1999, he took the big money/big challenge job at Minnesota just in time for the NCAA to punish the school for shady recruiting that happened before he got there. Now, after being fired seven games into this past season, Monson is where he wants to be, and did I mention he’s excited? “It’s not about a team, it’s about building a program,” said the Washington native. “But I don’t want to be Gonzaga, I want to be Long Beach State.” This quote brought the loudest applause of the morning from the crowd, and you could feel the expectation. This is the right kind of guy for this kind of school. We have a great community here, and this past season they found out how fun it is to have a good basketball team. They expect it now. And Monson expects it, too. He spent this last year at home with his wife and four children. As much as he enjoyed that, he’s looking forward to returning to “the trenches.” “When I left Minnesota, for a few days my phone was ringing off the hook with well wishers. Then the calls stopped. I was almost late this morning because of all the calls I got, I had the ear piece in all morning. It felt good to be on the phone again.” Well, Dan, it feels good to have a basketball coach again. It’s so exciting I almost want to stay in school for an extra year. Almost.

9 April 2007

[Sports] Update By Ryan ZumMallen BeachBall Guru Women’s Golf The 49er women’s golf team tied for fourth place at the Peg Barnard California Collegiate at the Stanford University Golf Course. But the big news of the day was that 49er junior Kay Hoey won the overall individual title. Hoey shot an eight-under 134 (65-69) to capture the championship, winning by three shots. Finishing second was Stanford’s Lauren Todd who shot a 137 (70-67). The tournament title is the third this season for Hoey. Earlier this year she won the Kitahara Fresno State Invitational on February 27 and she began the season by winning the Ptarmigan Ram Fall Classic in Ft. Collins, CO (Sept. 12) The 49ers currently enjoy an off-week as they prepare for the Big West conference championships April 23-24.

Photos By Ryan Kobane

9 April 2007

Women’s Water Polo The women’s water polo team fell to San Jose State last Friday in a 9-6 loss, but the game marked a milestone for 49er Christina Wensman, who netted three goals to become just the ninth 49er in history to score 100 goals in her collegiate career. The team stands at 7-14 after dropping their home finale to Stanford, 13-6 on Saturday, and will travel to Arizona State next weekend to take on the Sun Devils. Time is ticking away for the 49ers, who have just two remaining games in the season. Men’s Golf The CSULB men’s golf team finished in 12th place at the OGIO Pacific Coast Intercollegiate in Solvang last weekend. Senior Brett Lederer and freshman Michael Drake both shot a four-under 212 score to tie for 26th in the standings. Freshman Karl Katnik scored a 218 to place 53rd. The team will not be in action again until the conference championships in Rancho Santa Margarita on the 23rd and 24th. Women’s Tennis The Beach continued its winning ways in tennis last week as the 49ers (12-8) visited Brown and Boston College and returned home victorious. Sophomore Hannah Grady (above) has been superb all season and nothing changed on the road trip, where Grady won her singles match at Boston College in three sets. Grady lost her singles match at Brown but teamed up with Jessica Weeks to win the pair’s doubles match, 8-2. The team travels to Pacific on Friday and UC Davis on Saturday. The Beach will look to improve upon its #51 national ranking. Softball CSULB softball (18-20, 2-4) took a hit last week when the team was defeated by Big West

leaders Cal Poly (29-9, 5-0) in consecutive games Friday. The Mustangs beat the Beach 3-1 and 6-1 in last Friday’s doubleheader. The Beach lost to CP SLO again on Saturday, 3-0. The 49ers find themselves in the middle of the Big West season schedule and need to pick up several wins to improve their standings. There is plenty of time though, as the Big West season schedule will not conclude until May. This weekend they will face Cal State Fullerton three times on Saturday and Sunday at the softball complex on Campus. Baseball Dirtbag head coach Mike Weathers earned a distinguished honor last week as he was named the head coach of the USA Nationals team for the third time in his career. Weathers will lead the amateur squad on a 57-game tour this summer, playing in Rio de Janeiro and the Netherlands. On the field, #23-ranked Long Beach (1612, 1-2) hosted a three-game series with visitors Oral Roberts, who recently fell out of the Top 25. The Dirtbags took two from ORU, 4-0 on Thursday, 8-7 on Friday and lost 3-2 on Saturday. The team will face Pepperdine on Tuesday before hosting another three-game series against Cal State Northridge over the weekend.

Hawaii went on an 8-2 run to take a 2216 lead in game four, but the 49ers responded with a huge 9-0 run capped by a Liles kill to go up by three, 25-22. LBSU was able to hold on and force a decisive fifth game on a kill by Bittner. The fifth game saw ten ties and five lead changes. The 49ers went on a 4-0 run to take match point, but the Warriors were able to stay alive and ended up winning the set 19-17 on a block. Saturday was not nearly as close. Long Beach led in both the kill and dig categories, but were out-blocked 24.5 to 10.0 as they dropped their sixth consecutive match while the Warriors pretty much sealed a playoff spot with their eighth consecutive win, 2530, 30-24, 30-24, 30-28. Bittner led The Beach with 16 kills while Lotman registered 14 kills and 11 digs. “We go through lulls and then we play great,” said head coach Alan Knipe. “We need to find somewhere in between. One of the byproducts of being so young is that we are resillient... these guys come ready and practice hard. It’s tough, but we were in every match, and we got better as we played more.”

Men’s Volleyball The volleyball team dropped their final two home matches of the year to the University of Hawaii this weekend to officially eliminate them from the MPSF playoffs. On Friday, junior Paul Lotman led The Beach with 19 kills and a career-high 11 blocks to go along with nine digs. Redshirt freshman Dean Bittner finished with 17 kills, while senior Teddy Liles (below) chipped in nine kills. The 49ers hit .156 on the evening, losing 30-27, 30-20, 22-30, 27-30, 19-17.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ON CAMPUS gawk Walk Outside of The Nugg’ Let’s face it, engineers aren’t that interesting to look at. Fortunately, all of the weird art kids, the introverted philosophers, the brooding history majors, and the lonely, lonely English majors all walk through one corridor to get to their classes. If people watching is your gig, you should grab your smoothie or Panda bowl, and head to that little clearing in front of the Nug, where you’re free to spend all day gawking at weird college students. Enjoy it while it lasts, friend; once you graduate, you’re going to spend the rest of your life staring at the same suits with a different face behind them. -Mike Guardabascio

Snackanarium Vending Machines

BEST PLACE ON CAMPUS... Period

The Nugget

If you grew up watching Saved by the Bell and/or California Dreams, then you most likely harbor a special love for places like Long Beach State’s Nugget. Despite the fact that Kelly, Slater, Zack, Tiffany and Jake aren’t there to pass you a chocolate shake and an order of cheese fries, our official college pub provides more than enough company and comfort to make you feel at home. Located next to the campus bookstore, and nestled behind the Greek dominated patio, The Nugg is the spot to be no matter what time of day. Whether you are in the mood to play some pool before, between, or after class, or if you’re just hankering for a quick drink to help gather your wits before a quiz, when you walk through the doors everything just comes together. FACT: Pam, or Mama Nugg, is one of the five most important people to know during your tenure here at CSULB. Her experience as an executive chef has left her with an appreciation of good food, and a management ideol-

ogy that always puts the guest first. To put it in perspective for you, Pam is Max (easy-going owner of The Max) only much better looking and not Ed Alonzo. If you are lucky enough to visit the Nugg during her shift, Mama Nugg will greet you with a wide grin and an energy that can only be described as infectious. Plus, if you come in on a Saturday around 2:30 you are almost guaranteed free food. Why’s that? Pam takes care of her babies, and hates to let good food go to waste. In addition to great company, The Nugg also offers you affordable breakfast and lunch items that will fill your belly, but not empty your wallet. For example, you can get a burger (beef, turkey, or veggie), fries and a drink for under $6. Compare that to the price of a Quizno’s sandwich before you add a drink and you have already saved about $4. What’s more is that the food tastes good. If burgers aren’t really your scene, there is a turkey cranberry sandwich that is stupendous. In a hurry? Grab a slice of pizza on

the way to class and avoid going down to the dungeon that is Round Table. Break up with your significant other? The Nugg is the only place on campus to enjoy a brew, and they have a wide variety of beers on tap that range between $3.75 and $4.75. HINT: Order the NGP, it’s the bestest! The Nugg has really stepped up to the plate this year, hosting Thursday night live bands, weekend sports coverage of CSULB games, and holiday celebrations to get you in the spirit no matter what your age, color or creed. So many people complain that this campus lacks the glue to hold a student body together. Hogwash! The Nugg is our glue, so start sniffing and start coming in more often. Pam has been saving you a seat for some time now, and she would hate to have your food get cold. -Katie Wynne Nugg Info is superfluous It’s on campus. Fine: (562) 985-4133

Campus Notables Watch Social Decay:

Pick Up a New Pet

Never have so many gathered to do so little; now it’s true that while we’re in college, we should spend as much time as possible doing whatever it is that makes us happy. But…you have to draw the line somewhere, and we draw the line at people throwing things in the air as a hobby. We’re not saying it’s evil, we’re not saying it’s morally wrong…we’re just saying it’s so totally pointless that, well, it’s kind of evil. -Mike Guardabascio

If you find yourself in a pickle on your boo’s birthday then you need not worry. The SSPA building is home to one of the largest communities of feral cats this side of the Santa Ana River. Any time of day you can walk by and scoop up at least three older cats, but on a good day you can find a wide-eyed kitten that is perfect for any occasion. Sure, you may have to drop a few bucks for shots and spay/neutering, but it will be worth it to see the happiness flood into your true love’s eyes. -Katie Wynne

Wherever the Juggling Club is Meeting

Hide and Seek: ASI Recycling Center

The best place to play hide and seek has to be ASI Recycling Center, because it’s your childhood dream course: it’s dirty, there’s tons of big bins to hide in, lots of debris to hide under, and plenty of surprises (you’d be stunned how many cockroaches worm their way into those bottles, friend). Plus, if that’s not enough, there’s a damn forklift. -Mike Guardabascio

SSPA Building

Spring/Summer Fun The Science Building Hill

The new science building not only provides state of the art facilities for students, it receives the title for best place on campus for outdoor fun due to the huge hill that spills into the east campus shuttle stop. The hill is perfect for ice blocking, suicide summersaults, or the ulti-

mate Slip-N-Slide ride. People may try to stop you from your festivities, but you just let them know that the hill is for everyone to enjoy and remind them that you will be wearing a bike helmet for the duration. Not only will they eventually come around, but they’ll be pleased that you brought an extra helmet just in case. -Katie Wynne

Secret Booze

Campus Art Shows

CSULB has an amazing art program. Not only do they inspire and yield some of Long Beach’s greatest local talent, but they also host gallery openings that offer free food and drinks for guests, without charge. These events are ideal for cheap date ideas, subsequent dorm meals, or resident Long Beach homeless wanderers. Not only will you be able to support your fellow students in their artistic endeavors and make some new hipster friends, but also you just can’t beat free cheese and wine. -Katie Wynne

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

The area between the LH and FO2 buildings is home to the best-priced snack food on campus. While other campus “convenience” stores may have ore variety, the lines can be deal breakers when you’re in a hurry. The snackanarium also provides you with a microwave, for quick burritos etc. Plus, it also has the best coffee for $1.25. Normally you would have to wait seven minutes to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks or C-Bean that is the same size as the vending machine, and you would be paying at least $.50 extra for something that doesn’t even taste that good (I am talking about the House Blends). -Katie Wynne

Danger Sex! Library Scaffolding Everyone knows that physical danger is the perfect spice for your sex life; what could provide more exciting physical danger than a construction site? Grab your hard hats and your partner and cuddle up on a wobbly scaffold outside the library. You’re only yards away from a free copy of the Kama Sutra, and just inches from death; what could be sexier than that? -Mike Guardabascio & JJ Fiddler

Serene Scene Melon Bowling Macintosh Building This one is just plain obvious: the higher you go, the better your view, right? So where better to go than the top floor of the tallest building at the top of upper campus? If you’ve ever wanted to appreciate CSULB as more than just a collection of mostly ugly buildings…well, head to the Japanese Gardens. But if you’ve ever wanted that appreciation with a really nice view, head to the Philosophy department, on the top floor of the Macintosh building. -Mike Gaurdabascio

9 April 2007

Yonic Statue CBA Metal Vagina

First, a word about the word Yonic: it is to vaginas what phallic is penis, and if you’re planning on doing a post-feminist critique of Georgia O’Keefe’s work, you’d better learn it now. Anyway, no statue in the world reminds us of the old “yon” like that giant vagina-like statue in front of CBA. It’s a work of art and porn at the same time; plus, it’s the perfect complement to the bell tower. If you know what we mean. -Mike Gaurdabascio

ear trash UDP Pavilion It’s happened to the best of us: you’re sitting in the University Dining Plaza, eating your Quizno’s, and trying to grab a quick study sesh before your midterm. Then, all of a sudden, a noise like the bowels of hell broiling up shatters your eardrums and your attention. Maybe there’s been a good band that’s played on the Plaza Pavilion, but we’ve never heard one, and we work directly below it, so we’ve pretty much heard them all. -Mike Guardabascio

FREE FISH Peterson Hall There are certain Marine Biology labs that house thriving, controlled tide-pools and salt water environments on campus. At almost any time of day students can visit these aquatic wonderlands, hidden within the depths of the Peterson Halls, and admire the teeming life of our fishy-faced friends for free. Listen, it may not be Monterey Bay, but it is a great way to pass the time between classes. -Katie Wynne

Nap sack Class Sleeping in class is fantastic. Much more funner than learning. -Jeff Gould

Best Worst Place

The Dorms

It’s the place that everybody loves to hate and, unfortunately, many poor souls are also forced to call it home. Dorms are a necessary evil on most college campuses, but Long Beach State has the advantage of being mostly a commuter school, which means that most of us get to go home when our classes are over, unlike these poor bastards. Dormies, as some people decided to nickname them at one point in time (me, now), get to eat, sleep, date, party, and poop on campus every day of their lives until they are told to find someplace else to sleep for spring break or are caught drinking away their harsh reality and forced to move out. Okay, so the dorms aren’t all bad. You get to live with hundreds of people your age, and some of them are attractive (the other ones

might even talk to you). If you have been graced with a 21-year-old acquaintance and a duffel bag that can muffle the sound of 4 cases of High-Life, it’s actually a pretty great place to party, because you don’t have far to stumble if you need to throw up, pass out, have shameful sex with a chick who has low self-esteem, etc. The dorms are a great place to meet people, lose your virginity, hide from police, and develop substance abuse problems. In other words, it’s pretty much like Club Med, except you have to use a cowboy hat every time you poop, and if you fall asleep with your shoes on you will be shamed. But does Club Med offer any activities that involve sliding down a hallway on a slip-n-slide made of shower curtains? Or showers that have no curtains? Probably not…because Club Med has self-

QUIZNO’S (on campus)

Now Hiring!

respect. Alright, so I retract my previous statement– the dorms are probably the worst place ever. Have you ever lived somewhere you felt comfortable setting fire to a chair, or mistaking a dresser for a urinal? Not unless you’ve lived in the dorms… or Thailand, but that’s an entirely different list. There is one definite upside, however, to living in the dorms: you can move out of them. Not only that, but when you move into that $200/mo 2 bedroom apartment off of Anaheim and Martin Luther King Blvd., you will not have to use a cowboy hat to poop in your own toilet, or wear sandals just to take a shower. Well, maybe you will. But at least you’ll be off campus. -Jeff Gould

A Major Television NETWORK Is LOOKING FOR A FEMALE LATINA, to be our next HOST/VJ

Must be between the age of 18 to 25, fluent in English and Spanish More than experience we need, Charismatic, smart, witty, georgeous, with a good knowledge of the Hispanic Pop Culture and Music.

Quizno’s in the University Dining Plaza is now Please send Headshot of Picture with contact numbers,

Under New Ownership & Management Looking forHard-Working Applicants good pay & flexible hours!

Call John @ (213) 219-8725 9 April 2007

we will be on campus next week!

E-MAIL US AT: RealityCasting2001@yahoo.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Music & Entertainment Get your gear World of Strings

best record shop

Fingerprints When I called Fingerprints records to ask for some information for the writing of this article, the employee on the other end seemed surprised we’d selected them as Long Beach’s best record store: “Really? In fifteen years of business we’ve never been chosen best of anything.” This was surprising to me, as choosing Fingerprints for best record store seemed to me like this issue’s most obvious choice. Maybe we at the Union just aren’t as hip as we think we are, but if there’s another Long Beach record store half as good as this one then we’ve been sleeping big time. Fingerprints has been doing business in Belmont Shore since July 1992, and since its opening has grown to double its original size and come to be recognized as a mecca of local music activity. As you’d expect, the store features both new and used CDs and vinyl, as well as DVDs, books, posters, and other musicrelated items, but Fingerprints’ variety accounts for much of its appeal, especially in its used section. At least a few times per

Photo By Jeff Gould

year the store has parking lot sales to blow out their surplus records and CDs, a great opportunity to take a chance and maybe unearth a little-known gem. As for new music, you’d be hard pressed to find a genre not represented there, and on the off chance the album you’re looking for isn’t in stock, they’ll order it for you with a ten percent discount. More remarkable than its selection of music, however, is Fingerprints’ commitment to Long Beach’s music community. The most obvious examples of this are the frequent in-store performances the store sponsors. Over the years the store has attracted big names in independent music, such as Iron & Wine, Rilo Kiley, Jack Johnson, and the Hold Steady. Recent performances have featured, among others, Peter Bjorn and John, Sparklehorse, and local up-and-comers Cold War Kids. The shows are usually free, though some of the more popular shows will require you to support the artist by buying their album to gain admission. In keeping with Fingerprints’ commu-

Dizzy on Vinyl

runner up In my experience, the best vinyl shops are the ones that look like exactly what you’re hoping to find inside them. Sure, Amoeba has infinitely more records than the average hole in the wall dealer, but they’re far from being a secret. Odds are their used record stands have been picked through dozens of times before you get a chance to look through them—which is fine if you’re looking for a hundred copies of Frampton Comes Alive, but not so great if you’re looking to make a real find. With ubiquity comes higher prices too, so the odds of someone letting a rare or limited edition LP fall through the cracks—and into your hands—for cheap are basically nil. These stores sacrifice personality for utility, and they’ve got their time and place, but a real vinyl enthusiast is looking for a gem of a store as much as they are a gem of a record.

nity-mindedness, their website, indierecordshop.com, features a calendar of all Los Angeles concerts and musical goings-on, as well as a mailing list to keep you on top of weekly releases and events. Its location in Belmont Shore doesn’t hurt, as there’re always plenty of people around. At any time of day you’re likely to find at least a few people, paid or paying, who are looking for some good music conversation. Personally, though I love the store and have made plenty of fantastic musical discoveries there, my favorite part about the store is their music buyback system. More than once they’ve saved me from impending debt by offering good money for scraps from the early days of my music fandom. Any place that’s going to pay my rent by putting up eight bucks a pop for old Dave Matthews Band live albums is okay in my book (So I kept Crash…we all have our faults). -Drew Evans 4612 E 2nd St Long Beach, CA 90803

Dizzy on Vinyl, located at the corner of 7th and Orizaba (in the castle building), is exactly this kind of store. It’s dark inside, covered with posters and memorabilia, looks like every fixture in the store has been hand built, and has way more records than seem possible to fit in its tiny space. It’s not very efficiently organized—I’m pretty sure there was a copy of Springsteen’s The River in the ‘70s rock, ‘80s rock, jazz, hip-hop, country, and soul sections—and many of the records are just freely stuffed underneath and above displays for lack of room, but that just means you’re going to have to spend some time looking. This might not be a great prospect at a frustratingly large, cold store like Amoeba, but Dizzy on Vinyl is the kind of place you actually want to spend time in. The employees are friendly and know enough music history to make even the most

knowledgeable music historian blush a little—and they want to talk about it, not impress you with it. The store also features maybe the best in-store soundtrack I’ve ever heard; during my few visits there the music was a veritable beginner’s guide to understanding rhythm and funk. Upon leaving the store after my last visit, I noticed another bike was locked to mine. One of the store’s customers came out and apologized, but assured me that the next time I come I’m welcome to lock my bike to his, “because that’s how brothers do.” He was drunk, but, I mean, there’re generally some good folks hanging out there. But really, what else would you expect from one of Long Beach’s local gems? -Drew Evans 3004 E 7th St Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 438-8928

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

I was recently getting my guitar ready to sell, and needed some advice about repairs and pricing. Being relatively new to the area, I called up Guitar Center in Cerritos. After getting bounced around to a few employees, one finally leveled with me. “You should call World of Strings in Long Beach, bro.” I don’t really remember whether or not he called me bro, but he works at Guitar Center so he probably did. Either way, I was glad for the tip. World of Strings is an exceptional music supply and repair store due to its laid back, customer-friendly atmosphere. The employees are all trained in instrument building and repair, but don’t look down on you for not knowing as much as they do. Instead, you get a smiling face and good conversation—when I went it was Guillermo, more interested in talking baseball and hometowns than guitars—followed by willingness to help you out with whatever you need. They won’t try to overcharge you for your lack of knowledge, either, and always seem to fudge the numbers a bit to get you the best deal. They carry a fantastic selection of guitars, basses, violins, and other stringed instruments on display for you to pick up and play as you like. World of Strings also sponsors a monthly blues jam in the warmer months of the year, private lessons, and a free weekly class on Indian music, among other musical events. -Drew Evans 1738 E 7th St Long Beach, CA 90813 (562) 599-3913

Go Go Guitars Need yourself some sweet guitar-related equipment and/or accessories? Here in Long Beach, the pickins are somewhat slim, but it doesn’t really matter, because the limited options available offer up some pretty rockin commodities to the wary connoisseur of the sixstringed music box. Go-Go Guitars might not be the biggest joint in town, but what it lacks in grandeur, it makes up for with its relatively wide and diverse selection of guitars. A licensed dealer of everything from PRS to Schecter to G&L, Go-Go Guitars will be sure to slake the thirst of any salivating guitar junkie that dares cross through its doors. While the amp selection might not be too terribly impressive—an obvious restriction being the size of the store itself—the supply of effects pedals certainly makes up. The glass case surrounding the employees’ work area is filled with all sorts of different guitar effects, from the Electro-Harmonix distortion pedal to the classic Cry Baby Wah-Wah. Other standard wares are of course included: anything needed to repair a guitar (strings, pickups, hardware, etc.) can be found here, and the best part is the isolation room. That’s right, Go-Go Guitars has a soundproof room in which you can go take your equipment of choice for a test drive. -Sean Boulger 5752 East 2nd Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 434-1300

9 April 2007

Movie houses United Artists Marketplace Playing both Hollywood movies and indie films, The United Artists Long BeachMarketplace Theater allows locals the chance to see quality films shown on only a few hundred theaters across the country. Thanks to the Marketplace Theater, you don’t have to drive up to LA to see an amazing foreign film like The Host, you can just drive a couple of minutes up PCH. With six screens total, the amount of “hard-to-find” and big budget films is usually split up evenly. 6601 E Pacific Coast Hwy Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 430-2228 General Admission $9.75 Matinee $7.75 Student w/ ID $8.50

Bay Theatre Open since 1947, The Bay Theatre in Seal Beach is a singlescreen theatre and thus only has one to two showtimes a day. What sets The Bay apart from the others is that it fluctuates between screening classics (Caddyshack, Lolita), foreign films (Pan’s Labyrinth), and new films (For Your Consideration). The theatre also features a Wurlitzer pipe organ which is used during screenings of silent films, adding authenticity and awe to the setting. 340 Main Street Seal Beach, CA 90740 (562) 431-9988 General Admission $8 Student w/ ID $6

New Beverly Cinema Although a bit of a drive, The New Beverly Cinema on Beverly in LA is about as phenomenal as a theatre can get. In the same vein as The Bay, The New Beverly has only one movie screen and is a revival movie theater, showcasing new, old, and foreign films. However, this cinema has two things The Bay doesn’t; first, every show is a double feature and at nearly the same cost as The Bay, and second, it plays host every month to the Grindhouse Film Festival. The Grindhouse is a double feature of two insane, fun, good movies made between the ‘60s and the ‘80s, that are rarely seen anywhere (most of the time these films aren’t even on DVD). The Grindhouse is as insane an experience as the movies shown on screen. If you enjoyed the new Tarantino/ Rodriguez film Grindhouse then make sure to check out the Grindhouse Film Festival. 7165 West Beverly Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90036 (323) 938-4038 General Admission $7 Student w/ ID $6 -Mike Pallotta

9 April 2007

Best Small Venue Photo By Ryan Kobane

DiPiazzas Any music fan living in Long Beach knows that, aside from being home to Snoop Dogg and Bradley Nowell, the LBC isn’t exactly the music capital of the world. Live venues out this way are few and far between, and all-ages clubs are even harder to find, making it decidedly tough for a local band of scruffy hipster misfits to play their music for all their buddies and the buddies of the band playing before or after them. There are, however, a couple of diamonds nestled in the rough of Long Beach, and one of them is right down the street from the campus on the corner of PCH and Anaheim. DiPiazzas is an all-ages club / restaurant where one can enjoy some delicious, home style Italian food; watch a thrilling live show by an up-and-coming rock-n-roll band; or both—the possibilities are nearly unlimited! Located quite centrally on 7th Street, DiPiazzas is in a good location relative to campus, Beverly Plaza, Baycrest, Archstone, and other apartment complexes that are popular with

the crazy students living about Long Beach. DiPiazzas has been family-owned since it was founded about thirty-five years ago, and it has been faithfully serving the Long Beach community with great food and quality live shows ever since. The inside of the club is warm and inviting: walls are decorated with posters of bands that have played in the past, as well as other framed pictures and paintings. Standard issue wall décor for any restaurant, one would imagine. To the left is the restaurant portion of the club, with the tables and booths. Here, one can enjoy a delicious Italian meal of “the finest family tradition.” Then, as soon as the meal is over, if one is of age, one is more than welcome to take but a few steps over to the bar and enjoy a cocktail to warm the insides, protecting against the brisk night air outside. Or, if one does not care for alcoholic beverages, one may head over to the right side of the club, where there is a small stage for bands to play their music shows on. Acts can range from more well-

Best Art Theatre

The Art Theatre

First opened in 1924, The Art Theatre is Long Beach’s oldest operating single screen theatre and exists as the city’s quiet little Mecca for independent cinema. Its rich history and architecture make it an important artifact from the Long Beach of yesteryear. Located along Retro Row and surrounded by shops that celebrate the era the theatre represents, The Art is like an old, jaded afficionato who has spent more time watching movies than you and your parents have lived. Over the course of the century, it underwent a number of renovations, including a complete remolding after the 1933 earthquake, but has remained continuous in its early art deco style. Within the last decade The Art, much like the Nuart in Los Angeles, was made popular amongst young people by its Saturday night screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture show, which were widely

considered the best the area had to offer. While the theatre no longer hosts Rocky Horror screenings, it still houses some of the best independent and foreign filmmaking has to offer. This year alone, The Art has screened the likes of Terry Gilliam’s Tideland, Peter O’Toole in Venus, and is currently showing the Academy Award Winner for Best Foreign Language Film The Lives of Others. The theatre is rarely full, and sometimes will not show a film at the scheduled time if there is less than four people in the audience, which happens more often then you’d think. So if you want a quiet, intimate, sneak-a-flask moving going experience, The Art is your place. -Darren Davis 2099 N Bellflower Blvd Long Beach, CA 90815 (562) 985-3053

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

known bands like Redondo Beach’s punk act The Smut Peddlers to local acts like Orange County’s own indie-folk outfit, The Countless Thousands. Though the stage isn’t especially big, the club is a great place for local bands to get up on a stage in front of people and practice their live chops. The cover charge is definitely affordable; even five bucks isn’t too much for the average college student to drop on a buddy’s band’s show. Bands will have an easy time booking a show here, and punters will have an easy time getting in the door and enjoying some killer live jams. The environment is relaxed and friendly; the service and food are great. Anyone looking for a good experience in music and food need travel no farther than the corner of Anaheim and Seventh, to DiPiazza’s Restaurant and Lounge. -Sean Boulger 5205 E. Pacific Coast Highway Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 498-2461

Hogue Barmichael’s Located on Campus Drive near John Wayne Airport (easily the manliest airport in California), Hogue’s is known for its occupation as the Beach Area’s version of Chain Reaction. Another easy place for unknown or unsigned bands to book and play shows, Hogue Barmichael’s doesn’t necessarily have the best sound or the most enticing atmosphere…but it’s so loaded with character that nobody seems to have a problem going there. It’s simply a fun place to see a show. Whether you’re nodding your head to a fun indie-rock band or joining those douchebags that punch the air as they listen to the newest local hardcore band, Hogue’s is always a good place to get yer ya-ya’s out. Commendably, Hogue’s makes every effort to accommodate live band’s performances, offering the services of mics, drum mics, a PA system, lighting, and a sound engineer. Bands are also invited to record their live shows for a mere ten dollars—a pretty nice perk that’s not really afforded by very many local venues. -Sean Boulger 3950 Campus Drive Newport Beach, CA 92658 (949) 261-6270

restaurants & bars runner up Smooth’s Sports Grille

best sports bar Photo By Jeff Gould

Pete’s at The Beach When dissecting the quality of a sports bar, there are three things you must consider. This first, obviously, is the television situation. Pete’s has by far the best setup in the city. Their 23 television sets, which cover the wall behind the bar, carry nine satellite feeds. One large projector screen is surrounded by eight other screens, under those are 10 more TVs carrying the feeds, and two in the back room make sure every seat has a view. This setup works almost like a movie theater where everyone is facing the same way watching one screen. The projector is used for big sporting events and local teams’ games, but the other eight screens are big enough to see from any part of the bar.

Legend for Restaurants & Bars

The best time to see all nine screens working in perfect harmony is any Sunday during football season. Utilizing NFL Direct Ticket from DirecTV, Pete’s shows every single game. It’s a football orgy. Every football fan needs to experience this, but make sure you show up at 10 a.m. because the place fills up fast. Also be sure to ask which game is on which TV because the bar is so long you don’t want to be on the opposite side of the game you want to watch. While groups of fans gather around the TV showing their favorite team, some others sit in the booths that line the back of the room. This creates an exciting atmosphere when multiple games come to a conclusion at the same time. NCAA Tournament time is awesome too, especially the first weekend. The second factor is the ambiance. Businessmen and college students frequent Pete’s, but more important than that, sports fans frequent Pete’s. There are few things more annoying than trying to watch a game while a group of soccer mom’s or senior citizens are running their mouths about this and that. The “movie theater” set up I mentioned before helps a lot. No talking during the movie/game unless it pertains to the movie/game. Want to step out for some fresh air or a

cigarette? The outside patio which seats 50 comfortably is hollering distance from the bar (this is vital when sucking down a ‘grit during a commercial break, “Hey, is it back on yet!?”) and located right next to the bathroom. Specking of the loo, Pete’s facilities are pretty sanitary which is saying something when discussing sports bars. If only they could get that TV above the urinal to work again. And oh yea, some of the waitresses could give the Hooters Girls a run for their money. So Pete’s has that going for it, which is nice. The third is the menu. The food is ok, but the drinks are superb. There is a good range of quality drafts, and when was the last time you could order a martini with your Saturday evening basketball? Not that I would order a martini, ever, but I’m just saying it’s nice to know I could. Happy Hour, 4-7 p.m., is worth checking out as well with discounted drinks ($2 domestic drafts) and food (2 for $2 Tapas Menu.) So, next time you want to get off the couch, put some pants on and mingle with sports fans while watching the game, Pete’s is your place. -JJ Fiddler 5755 E. Pacific Coast Highway Long Beach, CA 92803 (562) 494-7593

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

I love drinking myself into oblivion while screaming for my team on TV. Generally, making an ass out of myself in front of strangers. I’ve done it a million times and I’m going to do it a million more. But rest assured, sports fans, there is another way. Take a shower, throw on a button-up and your finest pair of Air Force Ones and head down to Smooth’s on Pine Street, one of the classiest sports bars you’ll ever find. There are so many plasmas hanging from the ceiling that it’s hard to figure out which one to glue yourself to. From any given table you’ll have a great view of your favorite team {winning, losing, getting blown away by Tennessee}. Located next to Hooters on Pine Street, Smooth’s has much better food and way hotter girls. There is a wide array of appetizers to choose from if you’re just there to watch the game with your buddies, and great entrees if you’re in for the long haul. I recommend that you clear plans for the evening; once you get there you won’t want to leave. The place has over a dozen beers on tap, and every Thursday you can get any one of them for a paltry $3, well martinis for just $5. Add an appetizer from the “College Night” list for $5 and it all adds up to be the best student value in Long Beach. That amazing deal also runs Monday through Friday from 3:30 to 6:30. Happy hour or not, you always feel like you’re spending more money than you actually are. It’s enough to trick yourself, or more importantly, a date. The atmosphere is classier than you would find at any run-of-the-mill sports bar. Smooth’s makes you feel like a professional fan. So whether you’re in the mood for fine lobster and steak, or good spinach dip and a Fat Tire, bring yo’self down to Smooth’s. Won’tcha bring yo’self? -Ryan ZumMallen 144 Pine Ave. Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 437-7700

9 April 2007

runner up Belmont Brewing Co. The Belmont Brewing Company is one of the best-kept secrets of Long Beach drinkers. A threeminute drive from 2nd Street’s flutter and bedazzled boutique windows will lead you to BBC. A Happy Hour Hunter will attest that, “It’s all in the timing.” Making sure that you can travel from one place to the next with seamless cheap beer deals can be a challenge. That is why BBC’s multiple happy hours are so perfect. The first session goes from 4:30-6:30 and the deals are top-notch. We’re talking two bucks for some of the best brews in the city, including the infamous Marathon, which everyone seems to be keen on. Couple that with buck and a half chicken tacos and you have yourself a perfect Southern California afternoon. BBC welcomes you back from 8:30-10:30 for their late night happy hour where pints are $2.50, wells run for $3, and overflowing pitchers of Belmont’s own tasty brew are a mere $7. Its SoCal locale and premiere brews make Belmont Brewing Company one of the best spots to enjoy the beach, friends, and strangers’ suspiciously increasing attractiveness. -Katie Wynne 25-39th Place Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 433-3891

9 April 2007

Frisco’s Driving home from campus one afternoon my roommate and I had resigned ourselves to simply going home, watching reruns of Scrubs on TiVo and drinking some leftover Sierra Nevadas. Little did we know that our empty gas tank would be the divine intervention that eventually led us to what I have come to call Man-Disneyland. Adjacent to the Vons-Gas station at the intersection of Los Coyotes & Termino lies Frisco’s, a 1950’s carhop-themed diner that seems to exclusively employ hot girls who don’t mind roller-skating around in skirts that could easily be mistaken for frilly-belts. If this isn’t enough to earn Frisco’s the right to be called the happiest place on earth for men who like drinking, add to it their nearly unrivaled happy-hour. Frisco’s happy hour consists of $2 beers and $3 well drinks. That alone is a pretty good happy hour, but if you take into consideration the fact that the $2 beer offer is in no way limited to the ‘Big Three’ beers (Miller, Bud, Coors) you might start to realize how dumb you have been for not penciling Frisco’s into your 2:30-6PM MF timeframe. Do you understand the gravity of this situation? Next Tuesday from 3-6 you could be in your chem-lab inserting small droplets of iodine into various other liquids… or you could be drinking Guinness, Bass, the wonderful amalgamation of the two that is known worldwide as a Half&Half, the ever potent Great White Ale, or a number of other top-shelf beers (draft or bottle) that you won’t find with a $2 price tag anywhere else. Oh, and did I mention that they have $3 wells for those days when efficiency/low-carb-lushery is your goal? Yes… I did. A few notes for the amateur-Frisco’s-happy-hour-er:

best happy hour Photo By Jeff Gould

1) If you are going with a group, or just want the chance to talk to a hot girl in a short skirt and roller-skates, don’t hesitate to sit at a table, the hour is as happy in Frisco’s cozy booths as it is at the bar. However, I tend to order my beers two at a time when I am being waited on–for efficiency’s sake. I’d hate to have a hot girl on roller-skates get mad at me because I need a fresh beer every 10 minutes! 2) Frisco’s employs a super-high-tech cooling system which keeps their draft beers at sub-freezing temperatures. These 30° beers are then served in ice-cold chilled glasses, producing something that is half-beer, halfslushie… Which is great when you are drinking mass-produced swill (see: Big Three) but when you are drinking a finely crafted brew like Guinness or Great White Ale, you might want to ask for a room-temperature glass to avoid beer stalactites.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

3) While Frisco’s also has large selection of great food, none of it is included in happyhour, so I’d come on a full stomach. 4) The waitresses are super hot, wear crazy-short skirts, and wear roller-skates (for expeditious service) but that doesn’t mean you should get drunk and harass them… because you probably have class with one of them… I know I do. 5) Frisco’s is not exclusively enjoyed by pervy guys like myself. In fact, I have many lady-friends who enjoy cheap booze and the fun atmosphere that Frisco’s provides. Also, I’m not just saying this so ladies will come, get drunk, and let me hit on them… that’s just an added bonus. -Jeff Gould 5755 E. Pacific Coast Highway Long Beach, CA 92803 (562) 494-7593

restaurants & bars karaoke The Prospector Go to The Prospector on any given weeknight, and you’ll see the place is usually filled with bikers, post office employees and the lot. However, weekends are always a cheap spectacle as the drunkards of the city come out of the woodwork to sing Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell” over and over again. And if you care to dance, the place is small enough to get up in other people’s grill. -Darren Davis 2400 E 7th St Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 438-3839

Gay bar Silver Fox

best Dive Bar

The Interlude What can one say about the Interlude that isn’t already etched in stale vomit drizzling down the steps of this fine establishment? Last year, when we announced this bar as the diviest in Long Beach, people in search of cheap drinks within walking distance of their apartment complex flocked to our little slice of paradise. The flood lasted until people’s eyes adjusted to the dim, neon lights and realized that, while the ‘Lude may be heaven to a group of alcoholic writers, its purgatory to everyone else. And perhaps it’s for this reason alone that the ‘Lude has topped our list for the second year in a row. This place is magic. It’s a blur of flushed faces, beating hot in an alcoholic throb. And while it’s not the cleanest place to get a drink, it is the best for stories. For example, on any given night, if you were to sing Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” (and if you were to sing it particularly well), you might find yourself sitting at the bar talking to a paint-stained, toothless gentleman who insists that you (yes, you!) could have a lucrative career playing cover songs at bars just like The ‘Lude! For the rest of your life! And then he’ll tell you about the time Sublime played a house party in his backyard and how he smoked a bowl with Brad in his garage after

runner up

The Reno Room When en route to The Lubery, stop off at its neighbor to loosen your goose. The Reno Room remains one of the best watering holes in Long Beach and is a good place to drink when you’re not feeling inclined to mingle with the hipsters of The Red Room on 4th Street. Unlike many bars in the city, The Reno has its own parking lot which is usually wide open on weekdays. During the week the inside is quiet but not drab; you can engage in witty banter with the usually friendly bar staff, watch SportsCenter, shoot pool on one of the two tables, or just as easily drink/lurk in the corner booth without feeling like your life is a complete joke to those around you. Their beer selection is nothing spectacular, but with a place that is essentially a

Photo By Jeff Gould

the show! And then you’ll still be waiting for the ‘Lude’s chief bar maiden, Ruth, to notice that the last drink she brought you (the one that came a good forty minutes ago) is empty and that you’d like another. You won’t feel bad when you take extra popcorn this way. Partly because it’s extra stale. Partly because you’re extra drunk. And when you and your friends finish the bottle of Wild Turkey, move on to the Jack Daniels, because it’s good enough at this point. And when that’s gone, try a 151 and Coke, made strong, like Ruth’s ankles. For those of strong constitutions, one drink has risen above the rest as the drink of choice when blacking out at the Interlude is the desired outcome of your evening: the Rusty Nail. Made with equal parts Drambuie, Scotch, and Tetnus, the Rusty Nail is sure to be the final nail in your night’s coffin. I honestly dare you to not only order one, but to finish it, with a straight face. That is, unless you’re a pussy. If that’s the case, there are some frosty Zimas behind the bar for your drinking pleasure. Stumble, at this point, to the pool table. Grab a cue off the wall and perhaps peruse the ‘Lude’s library of Michael Crichton novels with the white veins cracked into the spine. Read just enough to realize that you’re

dive no one should be asking for more than a Stella or hefeweizen. On the weekends the bar fills up nicely, but it won’t take you twenty minutes to get a drink. The crowd usually consists of East Broadway folk, college kids (and occasionally a professor), one or two booths filled with mom-skanks, and Red Room runoff. Perhaps the most notable part about The Reno Room is that it is connected to a completely decent Mexican food joint called CocoRenos. Instead of hobbling down the street to make it to Taco Bell when feeling the drunk-hungry, at The Reno all you have to do is ask for a heaping plate of nachos and a heaping plate of nachos will be placed in front you. You won’t even have to interrupt the pool game which you are undoubtedly losing. -Darren Davis 3400 E Broadway Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 438-4590

too drunk to read and then attempt a game of pool. Look at the other table. The girl playing at that table is almost always beautiful. Maybe it’s because she’s a pool player. You could get married here, you think. Ruth could preside over the ceremonies; if she’s not too busy pouring the world’s slowest, stiffest drink. Grab a handful of quarters and head over to the touch-screen MegaMaster games and turn on some photo-hunt. The two screens will soon become one, and you’ll soon realize that you haven’t spotted the difference at all, rather you’ve been poking at your own reflection in one of the bar’s many mirrors. Why anyone would want to look at themselves in the face at the ‘Lude is beyond me, but to each his own. Get the fuck out while you still can. Harass the locals a bit. Don’t worry. You’re with your friends and you’re drunk and that’s all that matters. Maybe crash your elbow through the glass of the telephone booth on the way home. Walk, seasick, into the night. You’ll be back. -Miles Lemaire 1710 Clark Ave Long Beach, CA 90815 (562) 597-2963

Frostiest Mugs

Thirsty Isle The people that drink here don’t have time for cheap beer in red Solo cups. They want to play pool while their 32oz mug sweats off the fresh coat of frost accumulated from the near polar beer nestled inside. They will arm-wrestle your girlfriend away from you, and you’ll be proud to have lost her to such a true, harddrinking American. If you’d like to be like these men, then start at the bar, where a dozen or so of the best brews in and out of the country await. This place also gets bonus points for having a bar door made of stripped rubber straps. Manly as fuck. -Miles Lemaire 4317 E Carson St. Long Beach, CA 90808 (562) 421-3571

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

The Silver Fox, (the Best Gay Bar Named After a Small, Metallic Forest Creature) is Long Beach’s first “video entertainment club.” Established in 1981, the Fox has been packing in the hotties ever since with great music, a peppy staff, special events, and theme parties scheduled year-round. No matter your sexual preference this bar is a great place to come for a good time. The energy is incomparable to any other nightclub in Long Beach, and their karaoke Wednesdays and Sundays impart more laughs than you would ever hope for. Next time you and your friends are bored, head on over to The Fox and see what’s up, it’s almost a sure thing the guys will be rocking out with their Fox out. -Katie Wynne 411 Redondo Ave Long Beach, CA 90814 (562) 439-6343

long wait Ye Auld Dubliner While there are a ton of great bars close to campus, some people seem to think that driving downtown to The Dubliner is a better idea. This overrated bar is by far the best place to get crammed into a group of Abercrombie bros, where you will wait at least forty minutes to order your overpriced beer. While The Dub does have some occasionally decent live music, the crowd, prices, and wait time make it a total bust. However, if you need to spend some time standing around to sober up, then this may be the perfect spot. -Katie Wynne 71 S Pine Ave Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 437-8300

billiards Yankee Doodles There are a lot of tables here: dozens if not more. -Brian Dunning 4100 E Ocean Blvd Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 439-9777

9 April 2007

Coffee joint Portfolio Coffee House A sign outside the place says “Voted Best Coffee House in Long Beach.” When this vote took place and by whom, it does not say, but the city must believe it. Ask anyone in Alamitos Bay where they usually get their coffee and chances are The Portfolio Coffeehouse will come up in the conversation. A Long Beach staple, The Portfolio caters to all walks of life. Drive by at any point in the day and you’ll see a very diverse assembly of people sitting outside. From sidewalk bums to soccer moms to over-caffeinated students to Starbucks-hating hipsters, the eclectic environment one would expect from a coffee house on Retro Row is in full swing 7 days a week. The good people of Long Beach come for the coffee, which at the very least remains consistent in its quality, but stay for the comfy couches, local artwork, free wi-fi (for customers), and generally good music. Following the unspoken rules of good local coffee shops, The Portfolio is open early in the morning till late at night, which, believe it or not, is becoming less and less frequent among its contemporaries (here’s looking at you, Passport), and on Wednesday nights they host an open mic, a popular mid-week hang-out for young people. Here you’ll find the hub of this city’s coffee house culture; generations of Long Beach locals going to places and coming from places, but stopping in to drink, relax, and shoot the shit. The Portfolio aims at being the little beating heart of the neighborhood, and it has been succeeding at doing so for a long time. -Darren Davis 2300 E 4th St. Long Beach, 90814 (562) 434-2486

5 Ft. Burrito Casa Sanchez I’m no expert on five-foot burritos, but what I do know is that Casa Sanchez offers up one behemoth of a burrito for the low, low price of $40. With it, you get a genuine five-foot burrito with your choice of meat (chicken, carne asada, and carnitas among others) on a foil-wrapped plank of wood with all the sides you can shake a stick at: 32-ounce cups of guacamole, sour creme, and salsa. And if that wasn’t big enough, how ‘bout a tray of tortilla chips to go along with it? The beast will feed a family of 10. There is also something to be said about ordering and picking up an item that has to be laid sideways in your car, or be loaded into the back of a flat-bed truck. You’ll be the envy of everyone in line, and you’ll undoubedly hear these comments: “Is that a big burrito?!” “Five-foot burrito? More like fivehundred-foot burrito!” Note: I have actually witnessed both of those comments being said. -Brian Dunning 3948 E Anaheim St. Long Beach, 90804 (562) 494-4156

9 April 2007

Midnight Food Photo By Jeff Gould

The Shore House After a night of drinking and puking you’re bound to be pretty hungry, and what better place to eat than anywhere but Denny’s. Well that’s exactly what Shore House offers to the late night drunkard/stoner/ambiguous junkie, a place to take a breather and eat some quality food. Their prices aren’t too low, but compared to most sit-down restaurants, they’re pretty fair, expect to spend around $8-10 for a meal. The food isn’t awful, offering breakfast, lunch, and dinner at all hours, and featuring such greats as the Monte Cristo (which most restaurants can’t pull off), curly fries, some solid chorizo, respectable nachos, and other basics cooked to an uncomplainable level of decency. All backed up with some nice, clear-headed service. Yes, clear-headed, as opposed to Denny’s old ladies forgetting your toast, and Harbor House’s “constantly-drunker-than-you-at-1am” staff. Shore House gets your order right and is even considerate enough to ask if you want to split the check at the beginning of the meal, knowing full well that you don’t want to explain math to your friends and then argue over tip etiquette. Besides, when it comes to a

tip, they’re bound to get more out of you separately than altogether. As you’re eating your pancakes lightly snowed with powdered sugar, you’ll notice your foot gently tapping up and down. This is uncontrollable due to the fucking great selection of music playing. Juxtaposing Pat Benatar’s classic “We Belong” with Boston’s “More Than a Feeling,” Shore House creates an atmosphere that won’t rock you too hard, but will definitely make everyone at the table hum from their distraught throats. Open 24 hours a day, Shore House acts as a haven for a wonderful crowd whether it’s 2 am, or noon (where you can usually see the same people only with glazed over eyes and bed head), and is located just down the road from CSULB in Belmont Shore, so you don’t have to stray too far from home. All these powers combined make Shore House the top late night restaurant of the area. -Mike Pallotta 941 Pacific Coast Hwy Seal Beach, CA 90740 (562) 430-0116

5271 E 2nd St Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 433-2266

runner up

Archibald’s Restaurant It’s a little after midnight on a Wednesday and you’re starving. You’re too broke for Shorehouse, but you’re looking for something a little classier than Del Taco. Where do you go? Archibald’s is where. Conveniently nestled on Second Street a few blocks away from most of the bars, it’s foolproof. Your drinking buddy has his heart set on Mexican food and your girlfriend wants Greek, but you’re craving a burger? No problemo. Archibald’s boasts both a Mediterranean menu and “south of the border” options in addition to their standard greasy American diner food. If you’re looking to fill up, you pretty much can’t go wrong with the pastrami dip sandwich. It comes “au jus,” and is pretty much the most delicious thing you’ll ever taste, drunk or sober. For something a little lighter, their grilled cheese is fantastic (but then again, how can you mess up grilled cheese?) and their chili cheese fries aren’t bad. They’ve got a taco Tuesday, too, and

their tacos are far better than you’d expect. You’d think that with such a menagerie of different foods that they couldn’t get everything right, but they do. The gyros are every bit as good as their fantastic breakfast burritos, and they make a mean tuna melt. Possibly the best thing about Archibald’s is the readily available parking. The lot in back looks small, but there’s almost always a spot. On top of that, the employees are friendly as heck, and though it sometimes takes a few minutes to get the food, it’s well worth the wait, especially since they’ve usually got The Simpsons playing on a television in the corner. For cheap n’ tasty latenight dining that won’t make you feel like dying the morning after, Archibald’s is the way to go. -Erin Hickey 4600 E 2nd St. Long Beach, CA. 90803 (562) 434-0444

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hangover food Natraj Cuisine of India For the morning after those long nights of rum, vodka, Miller High Life, and Del Taco nachos, Natraj Cuisine of India is a saving grace. Located on 2nd Street under the peaceful shade of the green awning that boasts, “Real Taste of India, Fresh & Natural,” Natraj on Sundays is now your official go to spot. Every Sunday between 11am and 3pm they host a champagne brunch buffet. There is no better way to fill a grumbly tummy and cleanse a system than to eat a limitless amount of fresh vegetables, curry, and a large assortment of sauce-based items. The owner is the nicest man you will ever meet. An accident from childhood must have left him with a permanent smile on his face and irreversible generosity, and each Sunday he is there with bottomless champagne and a table (on the people-watching patio, or the intimate indoors) just for you. The food is amazing, and for only $10.95 even those who don’t like Indian cuisine will be satisfied with nibbling on naan and sipping non-stop booze (or juice, milk, soda, traditional Indian beverages). Don’t like to wake up until 4pm on Sundays? No problem. Natraj Cuisine of India has a daily brunch special that will cater to your weekday binging as well. Mein bukha hun, are you? -Katie Wynne 5262 E 2nd St. Long Beach, 90803 (562) 930-0930

Best Place Cafe Here’s the thing about Best Place Cafe: the eggs taste like eggs, the hash browns taste like hash browns, and the coffee tastes like coffee. And sometimes, after a night of hard living, that’s all you really need. You don’t need a fancy omelette or any of that buisness from the Internaional House of Pancakes aross the street. All you need is a plate of 3 eggs any style, hash browns, bacon or sausage and toast, and all you want to pay is around $4.25, and that’s pretty damn tough to beat. Oh, and counter service means little to no tipping expected. Save those dollars for the juke box. -Brian Dunning 2099 N Bellflower Blvd Long Beach, CA 90815 (562) 985-3053

romance & dating Wine Night

best Date spot

Ambrosia Café Every Monday, the Ambrosia Café offers bottles of some of their wines for half off. While many similar establishments have equally similar wine deals early in the week, what separates Ambrosia as far as winos are concerned is its ambiance. The café completely isolates itself from the outside, creating a bungalow-like interior and patio that will make diners forget they are pinned against Broadway with their back to a hospice. -Darren Davis 1923 E Broadway Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 432-1098

date ideas Queen Mary Ghost Tour

Sushi Studio While most college students are ballers on budgets, some nights call for spending a few extra dimes on that special someone. Date night may not happen often, or ever for you, but when it does Sushi Studio will be waiting with open arms and a crowded motel parking lot. Sushi Studio happens to share a lot space with a dingy motel that rents rooms, and presumably women, by the month, and it is often the reason it is a good idea to park across PCH and just run back over to the restaurant. The location may not be the most appealing, or reassuring for such an occasion, but in truth it’s what’s inside that counts. Inside the newly renovated sushi bar, bright lights and the hustle and bustle of servers carrying colorful plates of raw fish and miso fill the room. Depending on the time you get there, the wait can be anywhere from zero to forty minutes, but again, it is worth it no matter what. For argument’s sake, let’s say you have to wait those forty

minutes, now you can sit outside and comment on the people carrying saws and tarps as they enter the motel rooms, and violently draw the curtains. Sitting down at your table, or the bar, you will be given a comic book style menu, featuring appetizers, traditional sushi, and Sushi Studio’s infamous specialty rolls, including the “Sunrise On Second Street.” This roll is so good that when most people have their first bite their bodies go into an involuntary drool state of wonder and glee. The prices can range from $2.90 to $12.90 for a sushi roll, which is what qualifies Sushi Studio as a “date night” location. Any other night you can walk to the market and buy microwaveable Marie Calendar’s country fried steak, and a bottle of Gatorade, but the premium sake and fresh edamame make it official, you love your lady. Those of you who do still love her, but also love the idea of saving a couple bucks on a nice meal will be happy to hear that Sushi Studio also has

runner up

Puppy Love

The Original Fish Company If you’ve got a few hundred bucks to blow on a single meal (and don’t we all), then the Fish Company is the place to go. The waiting area up front is a clutter of faded photographs from the mid-nineties, featuring such mega-celebrities as Mel Gibson, Dustin Hoffman and Ron Howard. They all love this place, and why wouldn’t they? The food here is as good as you’re going to get at $20-30 a plate, and it smells like an oceanic orgasm of lobster tails and melted butter. Just don’t expect to see Chevy Chase piling scallops into the hole above the dimpled mound of flesh hanging at the bottom of his face. The celebrities here are far outweighed by middleaged men in button-up Hawaiian shirts with slicked back gray hair and the women they’re married to that month. Honestly, college students have no

happy hour. Monday through Thursday starting at 3pm, three select specialty rolls are an even $6. Plus, there are cheap oyster shooters, sashimi and beer deals so you and your date will be set for a nice dinner at a reasonable price. Listen, try to ignore the fact that you are eating dinner at the same time as your grand folks, and just enjoy yourselves. All that extra time in the evening can now be spent on post-sushi sex, nice and raw. The service is usually quick and inexplicably humble, as each item is placed before you alongside a jubilant “thank you.” No, thank you Sushi Studio. It’s far and away the best sushi in Long Beach, and it is perfect for a romantic date, or even a first date. What’s a better way to break the ice than daring each other to eat the octopus? Ew. -Katie Wynne 4917 E Pacific Coast Highway Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 498-9008

business eating here, unless they’re celebrating their parents’ wedding anniversary. It’s meant for an older crowd or older money or people that don’t mind paying $15 for a bowl of clam chowder. However, if you have the money, eat here. It’s fucking amazing. I wish my grandma could turn 80 every day, so that she and my parents and I could get sick off of the richest scallops on planet Flavorblastion 8X. Seriously. And while I’m still not convinced that this is a great place to take a date (your mouth will typically smell like a fishmonger crapped garlic in your molars after a meal here), I am convinced that the food here rivals a firm, but fair, hand job. -Miles Lemaire 11061 Los Alamitos Blvd. Los Alamitos, CA (562) 594-4553

Companion Animal Village If you’re trying to impress that special someone, or if you’re an animal lover looking for a nice way to spend an afternoon then stop by the Companion Animal Shelter on Spring Street near El Dorado Park. The state of the art facilities are a by-product of the city of Long beach partnering up with spcaLA, and provide revolutionary care to each animal that enters the village. Tons of money was spent building the 6-acre village, and it really looks more like an elementary school than anything else. It’s safe, clean, and doesn’t stink to high heaven. What is awesome about the CAV is that you can go and ask to walk, or play with any of the dogs. It is a great way to bring joy to the animals and have a good time with your date. -Katie Wynne 7700 E. Spring Street Long Beach, CA 90808 (562) 570-3053

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

The Queen Mary is often dismissed as a lame accessory to Long Beach’s Ocean Blvd. However, if you happen to be into the dark stuff it can be a neat way to spend a special evening. For a steep $50 per person, you and your date can embark on the paranormal ship walk tour, where a physic guides you through areas of the Queen inaccessible to the general public. Many participants say they have experienced strange noises, smells, temperature changes, and even sights that can’t be easily explained while on the tour. It’s expensive, sure, but hanging out on one of Long Beach’s most recognizable landmarks and enjoying a night of cheesy fun is worth it. Plus, there is even a fairly inexpensive restaurant on the ship where you and your ghoulish gal/guy pal can get a bite before the 8pm tour. -Katie Wynne 411 Redondo Ave Long Beach, CA 90814 (562) 439-6343

Beach Bike Rides Say what you want about the bay. Yes, it is barren, polluted and an eyesore. But that long stretch of cement laid out across the beach makes for an amazing ride. If you go too far east you’ll hit downtown; go too far West and the road ends. But in between Junipero and Park, the road is straight, flat, and the most scenic you are going to get. -Darren Davis The Coastline Between Juniper and Park

Melon Bowling The concept of melon bowling is simple: roll a melon fast enough and the heat from the friction will cause it to explode. So hop in a four door, buy a bunch of cantaloupes and drive up Signal Hill. Each person grabs a melon and hangs out a window. The driver takes off down the hill and when the appropriate speed is reached each person releases their melon in a bowler’s fashion. Slow down and watch those cantaloupes speed away. Whosever explodes last wins. -Darren Davis Signal Hill Cherry Ave, heading South

9 April 2007

Make Out Spots El Dorado Park Okay, so, you’ve got your date, she’s super impressed with you, you fall in love, and she gets bored with you (because, let’s face it, you’re not that impressive). What do you do now? Why not pretend you’re in high school and find a good old fashioned make-out spot? Yes, there are plenty of places to park your car and spend some quiet time with your lady in Long Beach (most of them won’t even put you at risk for a carjacking). The number one make out spot in Long Beach has to be next to the duck pond at El Dorado. You get great lighting, the illusion of privacy, and a truly beautiful view of one of the best parks in the country. Since this is park property, the cops tend to leave it to the rangers to patrol, and frankly, most of them aren’t paid well enough for it to be worth their while to harass you.

Hilltop Park The second best makeout spot is difficult, but worth it. Hilltop Park, at the very top of Signal Hill (which is included in the Long Beach best of because they’re not a real city, no matter what they tell you), provides an amazing view of the city of Long Beach. It used to be you could park up there for hours at a time without being bothered, but since they built all of those expensive homes, you’re lucky to get five uninterrupted minutes of alone time before the cop starts knocking; still, the danger only makes it that much more exciting, and the view is worth getting hassled by the man.

Women of the Night If you’re all alone, Long Beach has got you covered too, with a thriving prostitution industry. If you’re “looking for a good time,” it’s hard to go wrong once the sun goes down on PCH, anywhere between Redondo and Pacific. If the cops have been out, just head up a side street (away from the nice houses) on Signal Hill. -Mike Guardabascio

Best Place to Dispose of Prostitute Anyone who has ever been to Ralph’s on Obispo feels the looming presence of the Grace Hotel tucked away behind the shopping center. Driving by the Grace, you’ll usually see at least one tranny, a couple of cops, and someone yelling down at them from a second story window. Part Amityville, part Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror, the entire place looks as though it is just soaked in bodily fluids. If those walls could talk...goodness gracious. -Darren Davis The Grace Hotel 1090 Obispo Ave

9 April 2007

Best Sex Shop

The Lubery (Condom Revolution) Kids like The Lubery (soon to be renamed Condom Revolution) because they feel comfortable while browsing for their toys and unmentionables. Inside you will find top-brand items and quality lingerie, without the creepy old man looming behind the dank counter covered in mysterious goop. Instead, the store is usually manned by young folks in their twenties who are trained in the workings of all things sex. While the sign will soon change to announce the new owner of the location, the inner workings of the store will remain pretty much the same. Students can come in and comfortably ask any questions they may have regarding any product. In fact, employees make it a point to ensure their customers know exactly what their purchase

does, and how it works. If you want to really test the experts go in and tell them exactly what you want to do to someone, or what you want done to you and they will tell you just what you need, unless of course what you want to do is illegal. The best part is that they’ve heard it all, so they won’t be surprised when you mention your rubber ducky fixation (or whatever). This is the kind of place that young couples can go together and not feel awkward. The clean and bright interior may be what sets this place apart from others. The majority of people will imagine a sex shop as a dirty place that exists behind the curtain of a pedophile’s mind. Think of this as more of an Ikea of sex. The prices are pretty standard for all of

Dinner for 2

Ferraro’s Cucina Italiana Ferraro’s is the holy grail of dating: an affordable, tasty Italian place with a decent helping of atmosphere. You could find plenty of places that are nicer, and plenty of places that cost a lot more; but unless you’re celebrating a special occasion, Ferraro’s should do the trick. And even though more expensive places are easy to find, it’s hard to beat the food there; their popular dishes include (of course) their pizza, as well as the pasta fagioli. I’d also recommend the minestrone, and the tiramisu for dessert (I’ve been told Joe’s Tomato Salad is to die for, if you’re into that kind of thing). It’s obvious from your first step in the restaurant that Ferraro’s is family owned, with an attentive, familiar waiting staff; they’re expanding, too, with a second location opened in Long Beach (at Palos Verde and Los Coyotes) as well as a companion bakery for the new venue. I’ve yet to sample the food at the new restaurant, but I can recommend the bakery if you’re looking for great freshly-made Italian bread or pastries (which, frankly, you should be). -Mike Guardabascio 6204 E Pacific Coast Hwy Long Beach, 90803 (562) 986-4860

Hof’s Hut

their products. For example, vibrators can range from $9.99 to $135.99 and are available in all shapes. Even if you aren’t down with the sex, The Lubery has tons of fun gag gifts (pun intended) for any occasion. What’s cool about this place is that they want you to practice safe, fun sex. So much so, that if you are really broke, but you really want to bone tonight, you can stop in and they will hit you with a free condom. With creams, lubes, dildos, ropes, chains, masks, finger puppets, socks, DVDs, music and condoms, this is your one-stop sexanarium in Long Beach. Go forth, and enjoy! -Katie Wynne 3316 East Broadway Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 438-8169

Dinner On a Budget

My fiancée and I have been going out for four and a half years, and we’re both of modest income, so you can bet that most Fridays we weren’t at L’Opera. Hof ’s Hut started as an actual hut in Long Beach, where Harold Hofman sold hamburgers to hungry youngsters. Over the years, their business has slowly expanded, reaching to nine locations throughout Southern California, including three in Long Beach. What can you expect from the Hof? First, none of their restaurants look the same; far from the cookie cutter standard of even most smaller chains, each of their locations fits its venue perfectly. The prices, service and food are designed to fit you perfectly. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship understands the value of a mid-level date place, where you can go when you want a night out, but when you only have twenty or thirty bucks to spare on a meal.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

At a recent birthday dinner, the rest of the Union staff and I realized what makes Hof ’s so truly unique: it’s perfectly mediocre. Everything about it, from the pricing to the ambience to the quality of the food to the service, is exactly middle of the road restaurant fare. In fact, I would suggest to their ownership that they make their official slogan: “Hof ’s Hut: Better Than Denny’s, Worse Than Black Angus.” Or maybe: “Hof ’s Hut: Exactly Good Enough.” Over the last four years I’ve tried nearly everything on the menu, and never found anything lacking. I’ve never found anything to be to die for, but everything has been generally good. Of course, the company I’ve had hasn’t hurt either. -Mike Guardabascio 2147 N Bellflower Blvd Long Beach, 90815 (562) 597-5811

Outdoor activities Golf Courses Best 18-Hole Course

best Public Park Photo By Jeff Gould

El Dorado Regional Park I spent literally weeks researching this write-up, and two of the three online articles I skimmed used the world “sprawling” to describe what is, without a doubt, the gem of Long Beach’s award-winning Parks & Rec system. And, indeed, El Dorado Park beautifies a sizable chunk of East Long Beach. Weighing in at 800 acres, Long Beach’s largest park is available for just about anything you might want to do, whether you have an hour, an afternoon, or a whole weekend to spare. If you’re looking to film a movie or a crappy reality show, or to have a birthday picnic, or to sit under a tree and catch up on your Kafka, you needn’t look any further than that patch of green sprawling across Google Earth’s aerial map between the 605 freeway and Studebaker Blvd. El Dorado Park East The lion’s share of El Dorado’s awesomeness is in the 400 acres east of the San Gabriel River, known affectionately as “El Dorado Park East.” Here, over four miles of bicycle trails circle four big lakes populated by cheerful ducks, ornery (and vaguely carnivorous) geese, and lots of dart-y little fish things to startle. There are hills to run up and then down, or to fly a kite atop. There are scattered barbeques and literally bunches of picnic tables. There’s even a little train that circles the perimeter of the place: a $2 ticket buys an afternoon of childish delight. In addition to these more whimsical features, El Dorado Park East has many Things To Do for those who can’t justify allotting an afternoon to pure relaxation. Take the ar-

chery range, for example. In 1984, when the Summer Olympic Games were in Los Angeles, the archery competitions were held in the park. Now, the park offers free archery instructions for youth, and several bow-narrow toting groups use the grounds for their practices. If you’re into radio-controlled airplanes or boats, there are designated areas for practicing those arts as well. And if fishing’s your pastime, get a license from Parks & Rec and start filling those buckets with juicy nightcrawlers. El Dorado Nature Center Just the other side of Spring St. from El Dorado Park East lies the El Dorado Nature Center, one of the most uniquely delightful patches of land you will ever find in an urban environment. Parking here is $6, but entrance to the park is free, so if you don’t mind a short walk from the neighborhood over the river, you can have a day’s vacation for nothing at all. If you haven’t experienced the Nature Center yet, I recommend you skip class for the rest of the day and get a real education from the 100+ acres of wilderness and wonder. Beautiful in any season, now is the time to go and see the Nature Center bloom and grow as it shakes off the winter and prepares for spring’s renewal. There are 2 miles of dirt path winding through this magical place, as well as a ½ mile paved trail for those in wheelchairs or fancy shoes. The best part of the Nature Center is that you can choose how to enjoy it. The small visitor’s center at the beginning of the trail

runner up

Heartwell Park

Heartwell Park is nowhere near as big as the mammoth El Dorado Park that’s a scant few miles away from it, but growing up between the two, I spent way more time at Heartwell. That’s because, for all of El Dorado’s picturesque beauty, Heartwell was the park we could use; I attended over ten years of soccer practices and games there, and took countless family bike rides through the park. I also used to volunteer at Ruth Back library, on the west end of the park. Plus, Heartwell is beautiful, too; it has a

duck pond (which I played pickup football games next to for two years in high school), and some nice rolling hills, and shady picnic areas. The park is a sprawling 122 acres, running along the southern side of Carson St. from Studebaker all the way to Clark; on your way home from class someday, I suggest a drive along the park’s border. Find a place that looks nice, pull into one of the ample parking lots, and go lie under a tree to eat lunch, or start your studying. Heck, stay in your car and roll down your win-

has the feel of a mountain ranger’s station, with a tiny gift store, some bugs and reptiles behind glass to peer in on, and simple explanations of how the ecosystem works. Here you can also obtain a pamphlet guide to the numbered plants and landmarks along the trails. You can sign up for classes on the life in the Center, an oasis of wild and indigenous animals and vegetation. Alternately, you can choose to bypass the helpful folks in the khaki uniforms and head straight for the trail. If you time your visit just right, youl probably won’t see anyone else on the winding paths as you visit lakes, streams, and wooded areas thick with creative inspiration and a drone of birds and humming bugs that calms the soul and clears the head. El Dorado Park West The park’s public face is the 300 acres west of the San Gabriel River. This section features every kind of athletic field you could want, from the standard (basketball and tennis) to the unique (there’s a great disc golf course as well as a skate park if you feel like picking on middle school kids). There’s also a large duck pond, which is great for…feeding ducks, or, more likely, finding tons of local high school kids making out in their cars after the sun goes down. There’s free parking, and this part of the park is easy to find (it runs along Studebaker from Stearns to Spring), so if you’ve never been to El Dorado, this is the place to start; if you pick your day wisely, you’ll probably encounter scads of Union staffers and alums disc-ing it up. -Shar Higa

dows, as I’ve been known to do from time to time. Once you’ve spent a few hours there, it’s easy to get in the habit of making this neighborhood park part of your daily routine. Most people who grow up within driving distance of it spent a significant portion of their childhood there, and those of us who’ve remained in Long Beach do our best to stop by as often as possible. There’s plenty of space to play, sunbathe, or just get lost in. -Mike Guardabascio

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Eighteen holes will take up most of your day, so you want to make sure it’s a good experience. How you play that day is the most important, but the quality of the course can affect your bottom line. We golfers have all paid a ridiculous greens fee to play Crabgrass Creek where the rough is just dead grass and the creek is more like a sewer runoff, so it’s nice to run into a place like Long Beach Recreation Park. This 6000-yard par-72 course is located in the middle of Long Beach off of Anaheim St. It’s not too expensive, but more importantly, the price fits the experience. There is a driving range with lights, a full restaurant, pro-shop and reliable carts with those nifty GPS maps inside. It’s clean, it’s not too difficult (but not a kiddy course), and for less than $80 you could spend the whole day there. 5001 Deukmejian Drive Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 494-4424

Best 9-Hole Course Hands down, this has to go to Bixby Village Golf Course located on PCH over by Gaslamp Restaurant. This short course is fun for all ages and talent levels, and it’s priced correctly. The crowds in the morning and afternoon show how popular this is, so be ready to play fast because most of the crowd are regulars who play at a good pace. Best part about Bixby is that you can pay the twilight price (which varies throughout the year, but hasn’t been more than eight bucks,) play nine, if there is no one waiting to tee-off when you finish (which there never is), you can play again for free until it gets too dark to see your shot. 6180 Bixby Village Dr. Long Beach, CA 90803 (562) 498-7003

Most Overrated Course Everyone loves to talk about Heartwell Golf Course. “Hey, you play golf, too?” “Yea.” “Ever play Heartwell?” Look, it’s not that special. There are other courses in the world that had the same novel idea of putting lights up for night play. Heartwell didn’t invent it. And where is the fun of playing at night when you have to wait for the FIVESOME in front of you to putt out their quad-bogey. I’m all for par-3 courses, but this one is the same as all the rest, but with lights. Get over it. 6700 Carson St. Long Beach, CA (562) 412-8855 -JJ Fiddler

9 April 2007

Used Bookstores runner up Planet Books Planet Books is a great quirky little store on Anaheim; it’s easy to miss, but worth the search. I first discovered the Planet when I went to a signing there, by one of the artists from the Simpsons, who seemed to know the owners pretty well, and took the time to do head sketches for every kid that showed up. The selection at Planet Books is pretty good, but the staff is probably more involved and attentive to the customer than any other store I’ve been in locally. There’s also plenty of great hidden gems there; I once found an early edition of Stephen Joyce’s book about his brother for about twenty bucks. This store doesn’t have the amazing selection that Acres does, or the personal attachment that Once Read has for me, but it has been growing on me steadily since I first stepped in its door. If you’ve got a few bucks and are looking to kill a few minutes at a shop that’s close to school, I’d recommend making the jaunt over to the Planet; they’ll have something you’re looking for, even if you’re not sure that you’re looking for it. -Mike Guardabascio 3917 E. Anaheim St. Long Beach, CA 90804 (562) 985-3154

9 April 2007

best Bookstore Photo By Jeff Gould

Acres of Books Acres of Books is the worst place in the world to be during an earthquake, but one of the best places to be at any other given time. Founded over 70 years ago, the bookstore has swelled to become one of the country’s finest used booksellsers, with over a million books in stock. Its draw is enormous; I once met a

professor from Australia who, upon hearing I was from Long Beach, exclaimed, “You’ve got Acres of Books in your backyard! You lucky dog, you!” The biggest bookstore in California, it was immortalized by Ray Bradbury (the store’s most famous patron) in an essay called “I Sing the Bookstore Eclectic.” Eclectic is a good word to describe their collection, which spans every topic I’ve ever been able to come up with. It’s an amazing resource if you’re within driving distance; for years now, whenever any subject has caught my fancy, I’d scrounge up ten bucks, head to Acres, and find two or three amazing books to sate my curiosity. When researching a novel, it’s a godsend; with twenty bucks I was able to snag two books about Egyptian funerary archaeology and one beat up but functional copy of Gilgamesh. Boasting more than just selection, Acres continues to be a important part of its community, as well. In addition to being named a historic

landmark, they still host weekly open mic nights, Fridays at 7:30 PM. Bradbury claimed he goes to the bookstore to get “lost,” something that’s easy to do when the store covers practically an entire city block. But between the amazing selection and the (sometimes unreasonably) affordable prices, you’re liable to be happy wherever you end up. The best time to visit Acres (and probably the best time to visit any bookstore) is on a rainy afternoon, when you’ve done nothing all day, and you have a few hours to kill before returning home, dusty books in hand, to do nothing until you go to sleep. Its fame and reputation speak volumes for it by themselves, but since I have the pulpit I have to state: Acres is one of the best two or three things about living in Long Beach. The Queen Mary may be on the postcards, but this mammoth bookstore is the true crown jewel of the city. If you’re capable of reading this sentence and you’ve never been there, you should really be ashamed of yourself. It’s okay though; with miles and miles of shelf space, there’s plenty of room to hide your face. -Mike Guardabascio 240 Long Beach Blvd. Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 437-6980

Once Read Books

runner up

Once Read Books is my favorite smaller-sized used bookstore in the country. It can’t compete with the overwhelming selection and sprawl of Acres, or Portland’s Powell’s or Berkeley’s Moe’s, but it does have a unique feature: when I was growing up, it was within biking distance. I used to make weekly pilgrimages there, and load my backpack up with as many Stephen King novels as I could find (usually priced between one and two dollars). Then I’d make the book-laden journey home and devour them, eagerly awaiting next week’s trip. Once Read has since moved a few blocks down the road, and is currently located in the great little shopping center on Carson between Bellflower and Clark. The location is really notable, though, because they now inhabit what used to be a jewelry store, back in the ‘40s. The locations came complete with an authentic vault, which shoppers can enter into to check out Once Read’s collectible and valuable signed and first edition books.

Though they’ve moved locations, one thing has stayed the same since my childhood: Once Read offers tons of great incentives for repeat customers. They have a great trade in policy (three paperbacks gets you one free) that has been incredibly beneficial to me throughout my life, as well as a punch card that nets you a free gift certificate when you’ve bought enough books. And although it’s much smaller than a mega-used bookstore or a chain bookstore, Once Read still has over 30,000 titles in their shop, as cheap and eclectic as you could hope for from a second hand bookshop. Once Read is also making it an easy task to find out more about them by embracing technology in a way few small bookstores ever do: they have a very helpful website, as well as a myspace page (myspace.com/oncereadbooks). -Mike Guardabascio 5422 E. Village Road Long Beach, CA 90808 (562) 420-1034

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Arts & Museums Installations Belmont Chalk Art Later this month, come to Second Street and see a bunch of high school and college students temporarily deface public property! The annual Belmont Shore sidewalk art contest is nearly upon us, and it’s gonna be siiiiiiiick! Wait. What’s that you say? Contestants aren’t actually allowed to draw on the sidewalk? So how exactly is it sidewalk art? Oh, you’re going to tape a sheet of paper to the ground and have people draw on that with chalk. That makes loads of sense. No, really, great idea! You guys enjoy yourselves; while you’re busy making fake sidewalk art, I’ll be busy checking out the fake sidewalk shadows. Which brings me to…

best Museum

Museum of Latin American Art As I drive down the street looking for some place called the MOLAA, an immense building that looms out from behind an iron fence catches my eye. I almost crash into the car in front of me as jerk my head around to make sure that the building of pink, blue, and beige I just saw was real and not my eyes playing tricks on me. As I cruise by again I discover that I have found my destination, the Museum of Latin American Art. Finding no windows to look through, I walk along the immense building moving closer to the entrance and walk through the towering doorways. The atmosphere that surrounds me as I cross the barrier is a friendly one that hangs in the air as I stroll through the galleries. Casting a weary eye from side to side, I take in the entirety of my surroundings before I carry on any further. The high ceilings and beautiful wooden floors add to the ambiance as I walk amongst the art sitting on pedestals and hanging on the walls. With each step I hear the echoes of the past resonate off the walls alongside my footsteps.

The massiveness of the pieces exhibited aids in drawing me into the world of Latin American art. As I walk across the floor of the museum I stand before paintings and sculptures that tower above me and force me to stand back and truly see the image resting at my feet as it was intended to be seen. As I stride across the floor from piece to piece, I am taken on a journey through the eyes of artists to strange and exotic Latino lands such as Cuba and the Dominican Republic. Amassing a grand collection of Latin American art, the MOLAA shows a wide variety of art originating from the imagination of various Latino artists from all walks of the Latin American Community. I stare at fanciful views of reality and portrayals of a world that isn’t much different from the one that I see every day. The vibrant colors reach out from the canvases, dazzling the eyes and igniting the senses. Compelled to reach out and touch the colors, a guard touches my shoulder and pulls me back to reality.

The Long Beach Museum of Art runners up The Long Beach Museum of Art is perfectly positioned along the Long Beach shore with a pristine view of the rhythmic waves as they crash upon the coast in and out, perfectly framed by the brilliant blue sky. “I think I’ll just stay outside for a bit and appreciate the view for a while,” I think to myself as I sit in one of the available chairs outside of the two story building. My piece of nirvana is shattered as I am jolted by a sudden shock to my body as I tip out of my chair and collide with the ground. As my hand rubs my bruised head I realize that I’ve fallen asleep and rushing to the door make it just in time as they are about to close the doors. All and all the place isn’t half bad. Downstairs their galleries are littered with their special temporary work, which will be on show for a limited time, in this case a couple months. As you climb their massive wooden stairs to the second floor you find hanging on the walls and sitting on the shelves their permanent collection of paintings and ceram-

ics. Journeying to the back of the builging the wandering art afficionado is pleasantly surprised by the beautiful view of the beach that greets you as you enter the vast wooden room. As I sit down to appreciate the view, surrounded by beauty crafted by the hands of man and nature, I feel at peace and bask in the feeling that washes over me like everlasting tide. Unfortunately, the only problem that plagues the musuem is its size, which would make for a magnificent home but serves as a medium-size museum that you could probably wander through in about thirty minutes. If you find yourself yearning to go to a place where you can take in wonders of the art world as well as the breathtaking landscape of the Long Beach coast, then the Long Beach Museum of Art is the one stop shop for all of your desires. Just be warned that there is a six dollar cover charge for artists, so if you have the extra cash in hand then stop by whenever you get the chance. -Philip Vargas 2300 E Ocean Blvd. Long Beach, 90803 (562) 439-2119

Photo By Jeff Gould

Located in the heart of Long Beach’s newly developing East Village Arts District, the Museum of Latin American Art is one of the best museums around. With a vast collection, the MOLAA sports the claim of being the only museum in the western United States that exclusively features contemporary Latin American Art. The museum successfully exhibits art that represents the culture of the Latin American people at a time when most others would simply cast aside the culture and history of the Latino community. All else aside, it’s free. So come on, take a chance and take a peek at something that you may not otherwise have a chance to look upon in your lifetime. Besides, you can always drag a date along to make them believe you’re a little more sophisticated then you really are. The Grand Opening for the new renovations will be in early June. -Philip Vargas 628 Alamitos Ave. Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 437-1689

The American Museum of Straw Art The American Museum of Straw Art showcases the culture and folklore associated with straw craft. Conveniently located in Long Beach, the museum boasts an array of straw crafts, ranging from straw hats and bonnets to an exhibit of asian straw weaving techniques. Though several of the pieces were damaged in 1995 when two firebombs were set off in another section of the shared building, the collection has since been built back up. Some would argue that straw art is boring, but any museum that’s been bombed and lived to tell the tale is okay in my book. For those of you who are too lazy to leave the house, their website offers a variety of virtual tours that are interesting and informational, but more importantly, free. -Erin Hickey 2324 Snowden Avenue Long Beach, CA 90802 (562) 431-3540

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Parking Meter Shadows Next time you’re enjoying a nice stroll down Second Street in Belmont Shore, take a glance down at the ground. Don’t be alarmed, that’s not really the shadow of an enormous and menacing flock of seagulls swooping down to maul you and/or steal your lunch. ‘Tis merely an illusion—an illusion created by Long Beach artist, Craig Cree Stone. Stone, along with the City of Long Beach created these “permanent shadows” to give the impression of a laid-back beach community.

The Sidewalk Surrounding that Giant Blue Cat Sure, the enormous blue metal cat and yellow metal dog between the Borders and the Tradey J’s on Stearns are hard to miss, but the concrete below them is often overlooked. Next time you’re stuck waiting around while your geeky friends are in Amazing Comics, glance down at the sidewalk, where you’ll find engraved bits of fables and colorful tiled animals, guaranteed to keep you busy for hours on end. But then again, you’re probably better off just joining your buddies in Amazing. I mean, if you’re just going to read words next to pictures anyway, why not buy a Spidey comic instead?

The Cesar Chavez “Maiz” Located in Long Beach’s 13 acre Cesar E. Chavez Park, nestled near the swing and slides, lay a circular grass and concrete maze. Created by artists, Barbra McCarren and Jud Fine, the maze begins in the park’s community center, alongside brass images of fish and corn and extends outdoors, where the concrete portions of the maze are inscribed with quotes from Pablo Neruda, Theodore Roethke, Joy Harjo, Booker T. Washington and Ernesto Galarza. The olive tree at the center of the maze symbolizes peace, and serves as an homage to our country’s invaluable farm workers. -Erin Hickey

9 April 2007

[Comics]

Crayon Box By David Faulk

Koo-koo and Luke By Jessie Blake

Life n Times By Lewis Grey

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Disgruntled Editor By MB3

Across 1- Financial institution 5- Creamy-beige color 9- Mutilate, spoil 12- Purim month 13- Rasp 15- Musical composition for one 16- Increase in height or

number 17- Daisy 18- Currency unit in Western Samoa 19- Endurance 21- Namesake 23- Watch 24- Legal science 25- Affectionate

28- Deficiency of oxygen 33- Goes into business 34- Trudge 35- Depression in a surface 36- Night spot 37- Oneness 38- Indian dish 39- La Scala solo 41- Greek goddess of

victory 42- Woody vine 44- Swiss dish 46- Names 47- Acceptable score for a professional golfer 48- Trigonometric function 49- Constitution of a person 53- Beg 57- School founded in 1440 58- Inanimate object 60- Malarial fever 61- Red flower 62- Stallion, e.g. 63- Shipping deduction 64- Printer’s measures 65- Undesirable plant 66- Dutch cheese, wrapped in red wax Down 1- Obstructs 2- Mine entrance 3- American space agency 4- Citadel of Moscow 5- Milk and egg drink 6- Frog sound 7- Uncooked 8- Four Corners state 9- Grumble

10- Supporter 11- Wander 14- Science of winemaking 15- Put away 20- Electrically charged particles 22- Most, briefly 25- Like lungs 26- Musical drama 27- Of Hindu scriptures 28- Similar 29- Short letter 30- Decoration 31- Mindlessly stupid 32- Collection of maps 34- Agitated state 37- Lie 40- Skiing style 42- Bits of thread 43- Do repeatedly 45- Use, consume 46- Tinct 48- Psychics claim to have a sixth one 49- “You are ___” 50- Molecular component 51- Manager 52- Display 54- Mild oath 55- Charisma, atmosphere 56- Abound 59- Wrath

Medium

Hard

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

9 April 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Medium

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hard

9 April 2007

VOLUME 60

A CHILD CALLED “IT”

ISSUE 10

The End is Near!! Grunion Editor Wants to Die After Having Seen This Picture

Get in My Belly!

Thomas Edison Sues YouTube By Father McKenzie

GRUNION TESLA COILS

By Fat Bastard

GRUNION OPINION HAVER

You’ve heard it before; you’ll hear it again. Your friends all think it’s the funniest thing in the world, but while you’re laughing, I’m just repeatin’ mah request: Get in my beeelly! I’m hungry over here, and while you may just think of me as a “fat bastard” clown, here to amuse you, I have real needs. I’m a real person. A person who’s dead sexy, to boot! Ah’m just playin’ with ya, I get plenty to eat. Mah assistants keep me hosed down and fed up pretty damn neat, ah’ll tell yah. But life ain’t all roses and butter farts for me; ah’m a bit short on cash, because of a bit of reverse racism. As yah’re probably aware, there’s another fella runnin’ around out there, doin mah timeless voice; but just ‘cause he’s got green skin and wee little ears that stick up out’a his round head, all tha little kiddies flock to ‘im. It’s totally ludicrous! Ah’ve got plenty goin for mahself, though. I’m starrin’ in a direct to DVD release called Dead & Sexxxy; it’s somethin’ of a porno, but one of them artsy fartsy ones. Like, there’s this one scene where ah fart on a girl’s butt. The director told me it was ironic. Ah don’t really care; ah’m just happy to be exercising my gifts, bringin’ laughter to your American nation like ah’ve been doin’ for a decade now. Ah still get swamped every time I leave mah home; all the little kiddies comin’ up and askin’ for autographs an’ that. Ah’m happy to oblige; ah mean, ah hear all these celebrities whingin on about their fame, but ah could be doin’ what ah was doin’ before ah got famous: cleanin’ the shite out of whale tanks at Sea World. It’s even less pretty than it sounds.

hrowing his name into the ring of big names suing YouTube, Thomas Edison has announced he’ll be filing suit against the online video sharing site. Reached via satellite at his comfortable Virginian estate, Edison had this to say: “I’ve been following the news about Viacom and FOX suing YouTube for putting up copyrighted material; well, I realized that I’m the true father of all that content. Without me, motion pictures would be a pipe dream; I demand nothing less than the full removal of all moving pictures from YouTube, or a tidy sum of three billion dollars, to be delivered to me in gold bullion and ingots.” YouTube has filed a countersuit, claiming that Edison is seeking to defame them by returning from the grave to file this lawsuit. “Seriously,” said YouTube co-founder Thomas Sterns, “This would be like God suing all of existence for existing. Mr. Edison hasn’t come up with a viable invention

in centuries, a fact he appears to be all too aware of. We consider this lawsuit an affront to everything that makes this country what it is…actually I guess this is pretty in line with what we think this country is. Still, we demand that it be dropped.” Legal analysts have been split on how the suit is likely to end up, with some citing the technical, “fine print-y” correctness of Mr. Edison’s claim, while others point out the relatively low rate of success for postdeath lawsuits. “Not since George Washington sued Sarah Jessica Parker for stealing his ‘wooden teeth’ gag have we seen a lawsuit like this,” said Duke Law Professor Duke Salsbrah. “Edison is unlikely to succeed; if he wins, this will open up a can of worms when it comes to old inventors. Ben [Franklin, the original inventor of electricity] could wind up suing Edison for stealing electricity for the light bulb. JFK could sue Bill Clinton for stealing his blowjobs in the Oval Office idea. My God, Oscar Wilde could sue the cast and crew of Queer Eye. It would be chaos in the streets!”

Edison (above) is presumably one of the men in this photograph.

Our marketing analysts suspect that it may all be part of a publicity stunt engineered to hawk Edison’s latest invention, the de-chaos-in-the-streets-isizer. Edison could not be reached for comment.

Bush Finds Hope in Seuss’s Histories By The Nothing

GRUNION LORAX

explain to the Associate Press that the book was a history that recounted the story of a boy trying to reach a town and was then met with adversity. “Jist like me, that man-child

Washington, DC– Following a weekend of international, political mishaps and befuddleloos, President George W. Bush thinks he may have found the greatest hope for the United States since the invention of the Segway. While visiting the Movimas, a Bolivian family currently living in Louisiana, Iaona Movima, age six, gave President Bush her copy of the Dr. Seuss classic, The Lorax. “It was so good,” Bush said. “I’m gonna read it again on the way to Alaska. We’re de- Bush (above) likes to read the pictures to his friends and the trees. ciding where to put the new was trying to get to a place. Well, I try to get derricks up there.” President Bush has lately received nega- to places all the time, and people sometimes tive criticism from allies, as well as U.S. of- try to stop me from getting to those places.” ficials, for his unenthusiastic involvement in While Bush is known for visiting schools foreign aide, most recently in South Ameri- in order to read to students, White House ca. Bush now asserts that he has never been residents admit that they have never seen more excited about reaching out to other him so enthralled in literature before. “He countries. “Lorax was really like a gateway stays up all night taking notes,” said white book for me,” Bush confessed. “I bought I White House housekeeper Claire St. Tood. Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew in Fort “This morning he insisted on eating green Worth about an hour ago.” Bush went on to ham. We only had old ham, so I gave him

that. Do you think he noticed?” Many leaders are worried that the President’s interest in the books is becoming dangerous. When asked what was the basis of their concern, Democratic spokesperson Jerry Kline said, “The President has decided that Christmas will no longer include gifts. He feels that true American Christmas is about sharing time with families.” He continued saying, “The President will also be invading North Korea next month.” Bush confirmed the statement by declaring, “In one of his autobiographical works I read: ‘You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.’ Well, if that ain’t the truth.” First Lady Laura Bush told press members earlier today, “I am happy that he is showing interest in his job again, but I do understand the skepticism from other political figures.” Mrs. Bush added, “I had the same reaction when he made me wear giant elephant ears and sit on our Easter eggs for ten hours last weekend.”

Bill O’Reilly Crowned “King Surf-a-Bunga” of Spring Break ‘07 By Fancy Lash and Father McKenzie GRUNION GENTLEMEN

Political pundit and lovesick underdog, Bill O’Reilly recently won Malibu’s prestigious “King Surf-a-Bunga” trophy, upsetting the previous champ, Brad “The Chad” Chaddington in a test of both surfing dexterity and moral fiber. O’Reilly’s prizes included a trophy, a twenty dollar gift certificate to the Cracker Barrel, membership to a prestigious Malibu country-club and the love of his rival’s icy lady-friend; however, the current champ eschewed all such rewards in order to stay true to his self and hang out with his band of lovable loser friends. “I did a lot of growing over the course of this week,” said O’Reilly. “When I first got here, things were tough, you

know? My friends and I were just a bunch of horny guys looking to score with the hottest babes in Malibu. But Brad and all of his surfing buddies were giving my friends ‘Cooter’ and ‘The Doofus’ a hard time from the start. I mean, they hit the food right out of their hands, dropping it onto the sand and everything! I knew the only way to make things right—and to get with Brad’s girl, Julie—was to become King Surf-a-Bunga.” O’Reilly spent the next 48 hours training in slow motion and listening to “Eye of the Tiger.” Thankfully, he had his true blue bud-buds to rely on every step of the way. “Cooter and the Doof-man were invaluable; helping me into my wet suit, laughing with me as we faced the camera…I thought about those guys the entire time I was boning Julie. That’s not weird, right?”

As O’Reilly and his ragtag crew of ragamuffins headed back to their regular lives, a lone figure remained in Malibu: a haunted, driven Chaddington. “I just don’t understand,” he said. “I’ve been surfing since before I could walk; this O’Reilly gets on a board and in two days’ time is good enough to take The Chad? Yeah right! It just doesn’t seem fair…it doesn’t seem…realistic.” Regardless of Chaddington’s regrets, O’Reilly is the undisputed Surf-a-Bunga King, a title he’ll retain until next year, when he’ll return to face a Brad “The Chad” Chaddington that’s a little bid older, a little bit wiser, and perhaps, a little more serious. Until then, O’Reilly can be seen on his FOX News show, The O’Reilly Factor, and Chaddington can be seen as a distant silhouette on the Malibu horizon, where he’s remained to train for next year’s Surf-a-Bungabonanza.

VOLUME 60

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Area Girl Mistakes Guitar For Ham

THE OOZINATOR

ISSUE 10

Tomb Full of Unhatched Jesus-Eggs Discovered

More Fairies to Join Walt Disney Cast Headlines By The Nothing

Area Baby Wanted Milk, But Not Like This...Not Like This!

Fallujah Egg Hunt Ends In Tragedy

GRUNION FAG HAG

fter years of begging and pleading from the gay community, The Walt Disney Company announced last week that it will finally allow same-sex couples to participate in their extremely popular “Fairy Tale Wedding” ceremonies. “We figured it was time,” Disney spokesman Harold Maude said. “Besides, now we can cancel casting for the new Tinker Bell Salute to the Stars Parade.” According to Disney math, the addition of one gay ceremony per week would increase profits by close to $1.5 million a year. “You can’t ignore the numbers,” Maude continued, “That’s 1.5 mill plus the money we will save in labor. Are you getting this yet?” But while Disney executives are celebrating their breakthrough, some members of the gay community are saying it’s too little too late. “Excuse me, but I have been demanding my castle wedding since 1997,” said Jacob Harrera, a forty-seven year-old gay man and SoCal resident. “They told me that it would be too much of a spectacle, but they aren’t fooling anyone. I saw the Electrical Parade eightythree times, I think I know what spectacle is, thank you very mucho.” The ceremony will include the exchanging of vows in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle, a walk down by Snow White’s wishing well, and then a “pink bonanza of fireworks” (named by the first gay couple to participate in the

Some gays (above) finally find a house as fabulous as they are in the Magic Kingdom

ceremony, Frank and Paul GiaMateo). The ceremony fee also includes costumes for the couple, who can choose from Cinderella and Prince Charming, Beauty and Beast, Aladdin and Genie, and Ariel and Prince Eric. “It was the most magical day for us,” shared Paul GiaMateo. “Sure it was a little strange when they asked us to greet the guests for a few hours afterwards, but I really didn’t mind. I looked great in my pantyhose.” The Walt Disney Company may be the first theme park to open its gates to a same-

sex ceremony, but the Associated Press has learned that NBC Universal is in talks to move forward with their “Will & Grace Wedding Spectacularaganzadazzle,” a new ceremony that will take place on the Universal lot. For a competitive fee, same-sex couples will be able to film an entire wedding episode of the television series as they play their favorite characters. When asked what the motivation was for the proposed program, an NBC representative, who asked to remain anonymous said, “Guh.”

Letters to the Predator Yo Pretator, My bro has been really lazy lately. He wont do his chores and he stays up late at night watching nakee ladie movies. I’m pretty sure hes doing maryjuanana and listenin to swedish death metal. What can I do?? I do not want my bro to death. -Rian

Get Zwinky Get Zwinky Get Zwinky Get Zwinky Get Zwinky Get Zwinky

RRRRggggggggnnnn, Hhhhhgggggg-ccckkkkkkkk!!! KKKKLLLLL. Hhhhherrrrrrkkkkkk. Gggggrrrrrrrnnnnnotify the authorities immediately. Hey Pred, My girlfriend dumped me like a year ago and I’m super lonely. I’ve been thinking about ordering one of those inflatable dolls online. Could you recommend any to me? Or maybe even another sex toy that I’d like? What pleases you the most? Get back to me asap. -SexPred6669@yohoo.net Sssssskkkkxxxxx PPRRrrrrrrggggllllddddd, Cccllllkkkkkkaaaallllkkkkkggggg. Kkkkkkkrrrrrrrrabbit vibrator. Hhhh-r-rr-rrrrrr Dearest Predator, My name’s Ashley and I’m 18. I’m in high school and have an enlarged clitoris. It’s never really been a problem until recently. I’ve become sexually active. I’m

worried that the guys I’m with think it’s gross and I think it doesn’t look good. I want to get corrective surgery, but I’m worried about losing sensation. What do you think I should do? -ashley Ashley, You should really accept who you are and realize that this is just how you’re made. If the boys you’re with don’t think your clitoris is aesthetically pleasing then that’s their problem. Your friend, The Predator Dear The Predator, I’ve been in a deep depression for weeks now. It’s like a bottomless pit of darkness that I can’t climb out of, I keep going down and down. I try to get rid of the sadness but there’s nothing I can do. I started experimenting with drugs to see if that could ease the pain. Cocaine, mescalin, heroin, crack, acid, oxycontin, you name it, and I’ve wasted all my money to try it. What do I do with my life at this point Predator? I want to turn my life around and feel happiness for once, but I don’t know how. -“Jer Bear” JjjjjrrrrrBRRrrrrgghh, RRrrrrrrlllllclk-clk-clk-clk. Tttttggggkkkkgggghhhhh!

GGGRRRRAAAAGGHHHHHCCCCCCCC, nnnnrrrrrrggggkkkk. Hhhhgggsshit happens. Dear Predator, My boyfriend thinks we don’t have enough sex. He wants it all the time and I just don’t have as many needs as he does. I can only do it once every few days. I don’t want to have to do it more than that, but I don’t want to lose my boo. What do I do? -Kelly Kkkkllllyy, HAHAHAHAHA! Beep-beep-beep-BOOM.

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And, like that man that died on the cross, we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Whimsy!