60.12 by Union Weekly

[Issue 60.12] Why “30” won’t mean “the end” Letter from the Editor

he term “30” has been used throughout the journalism industry to mean “the end” – the end of an article, or as in the case of the Press-Telegram’s recent headline marking the closing of their historic building, the end of an era. While there are varying rumors as to why 30 means what it does (such as a reporter having a heart attack and typing a 3 and a 0 on his typewriter as he died, therefore being the end of both his article and of himself), it actually originated as part of the Phillip’s Code for telegraphers. In this shorthand code, “30” traditionally meant “the end” or “no more,” and it survived long after the death of the telegraph. The Union turned thirty this past weekend. But we’re not going anywhere, because if there is one thing The Union is not, it’s traditional. On April 22, 1977, the “Premier Issue” of The Union hit stands amidst a climate of change – both on the campus and across the nation. Students of CSULB were simply sick and tired of being told to do news a certain way, and as you’ll read below in Jack Shinar and Debbie Arrington’s (The Union’s first two editors) own words, the planets somehow aligned to allow The Union to be born. The Union stood for rebelliousness, student empowerment and humor – all qualities that have somehow survived the years right to the pages of this very issue. And it’s not as if the road to thirty was an easy one – for a paper with the reputation for the obscene, with a history of closure close-calls, and generally referred to (negatively, I might add) as “the free-speech newspaper,”

it is actually surprising that this paper has survived as long as it has. That last thing always cracks me up – being called the “free-speech newspaper,” as if we’re the only publication in the country that the First Amendment was written for. Speaking of closures, you could probably fill an entire volume with issues claiming to be “the last issue” of The Union, including the 88-page “Classic” Union published in the late 1980s that nearly bankrupted the organization. But guess what, the next semester saw the return of The Union (actually two, read “Dissecting The Union” on page 11) despite the controversy, and we never looked back, both figuratively and literally. One thing that will always remain true about The Union is that the expression “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” is something of a foreign concept. For every controversy surrounding The Union, there was a similar outrage ten years prior, only much less tame the first time around. Most people would call us “stupid,” “irresponsible,” or simply “juvenile,” for not learning from those who came before us. But this is college, and honestly, where is the fun in learning from someone else’s mistakes, especially when The Union is the best course in print libel the university has to offer? There is no other college newspaper in the nation that has had as colorful or as checkered a past, and if there is one thing that can be said about The Union, it is that CSULB would be a lot less interesting place without it. And that we’ll survive long past “30.”

–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com

The Birth of The Union: How it all began Letter from the Editors By Jack Shinar and Debbie Arrington

e didn’t set out to form a more perfect Union. Its evolution just happened, most of it long after we were gone. But we know how it started, and not that many people can tell this tale. We like to think we put the paper on firm footing. We’re told that The Union is poised to become the dominant paper on the campus we love. We couldn’t be prouder. This is an authentic firsthand account from two of the folks who lived through the birth of The Union. Thirty years later, we’re still around with enough surviving brain cells to recollect the facts. Of course, we’re biased. We mostly remember the good parts. In the beginning, it came down to something pretty simple. We were journalism students. We had ideals. We really believed that students should have a student newspaper. And Long Beach State didn’t have one. It was 1976 and the Daily 49er - after a quarter-century of student control - became a “laboratory newspaper.” M.L. Stein, the journalism department chairman, was publisher and ruled his paper fiefdom with an absolute certainty that students could not be trusted to do things like decide what stories to run in a newspaper. We needed direction. Besides, he told anyone who would listen, the department could not become accredited without faculty control of the paper. Stein considered the Niner his private project and instilled a very strict structure. Stories were classroom assignments and followed a very specific outline. First week, we’d write stories on registration. Second week, parking. It was pretty predictable and really boring. Only journalism majors who had passed all their prerequisites could contribute. And absolutely no humor! No satire! No comics! That wasn’t “professional.” We weren’t happy. We knew what it was like “in the old days,” when students were in charge. This was in the age of Watergate and the Journalism Department had 400 Woodward-Bernstein wannabes. We all questioned authority whenever possible. We were reporters at the Niner before and after the conversion. We were used to students being in charge. The Niner had a rich tradition of satire and humor, but all the fun was gone. We tried to stick it out. Debbie became city editor, but got fired. Jack ran unsuccessfully for editor on a “give the Niner back to students” platform. The interview, in fact, consisted of one question: Are you, or are you not, in favor of the laboratory newspaper concept? It was pretty clear that the paper wasn’t changing direction.

There were lots of students in the department who felt just like us, but chose to go along with the program. But the The Union lived up to its name. We chose that name by committee; the other finalists were Phoenix (as in, rising from the ashes) and Fait Accompli (but no one could pronounce it). We liked the idea that to be successful, involvement from a union of students from many different disciplines would be required. Also, we figured it wouldn’t hurt if the name “Long Beach Union” could help find us a home in the University Student Union. With satire a regular feature, “Grunion” – founded by the cartoonist Steven Greenberg and really funny guy Jeff Kessler – came from brainstorming goofy words that contained “Union.” Beer was involved. We really liked the slogan, “All the news that’s fit to fry.” Jack and Debbie (that’s us) spearheaded the journalistic angst and had connections. Covering student government, we saw the Associated Students Inc. in action. We knew student leaders were just as unhappy with the “laboratory newspaper” as us student journalists. (Stein told them, he would take their money, but that didn’t mean they could tell him what to do.) In a once-in-alifetime opportunity, the A.S. had a massive budget surplus and needed to spend it NOW or lose it. We knew this was our chance. After getting the boot from the Niner, we landed jobs in university public affairs as student editors of the alumni and faculty publications and got to know thenPresident Dr. Stephen Horn. He told us he really liked the idea of starting a new student newspaper. It showed spunk. Competition is good. We had many supporters in the administration. But we also had major adversaries who did not want to see a second newspaper on campus, especially one without tight supervision. They remembered the ‘60s. (Burn, baby, burn.) Who knew what we would do? Getting the money was the easy part. The A.S. gave us enough to start publishing in January 1977, then ensured our survival by budgeting us for the next full school year – $100,000! – before we ever put out an issue. But Stu Farber, dean of student affairs, did not want us to spend a dime. Determined to protect the students from themselves, he unleashed a series of conditions that we had to complete before we could print. For example, we had to have a charter. It had to be approved by a committee of the academic senate that had not met in 15 years. We needed an advisor, but he or she could have no affiliation with the journalism department. That advisor had to be a faculty member, preferably with a great knowledge of publishing law. We had to have the approval of many campus departments and the Academic Senate.

The rest of Jack and Debbie’s letter, The Birth of The Union: How it All Began, is continued on page 5

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor

brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mikeg@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com

Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Copy Editor Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design

beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com

Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Jen Perry, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, James Kislingbury, Derek Crossley, Darren Davis, Jimmy Dinh, Drew Evans, Steven Carey, David Faulk, Christopher Troutman, Alan Passman, Jennifer Schwartz, Anna Mavromati, Jason Oppliger, Marcus Bockman, Alan Passman, Michael Carpenter, Sara Tena, Erin Shaw, James Stebik, Jack Shinar, Debbie Arrington, Sergio Ascenico, Casey Curran, Guido D’Onofrio, David Lowrey, Stuart Rose

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

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23 April 2007

News

National High Five Day Makes CSULB Smile During a week that most college students will remember for the rest of their lives, a group of people came to CSULB to deal out high fives and smiles. Here are two different perspectives, both touched by genuine human kindness, and how the day affected us.

By Ryan Kobane & Mike Guardabascio News Director & Managing Editor

nly minutes after waking up I knew it was going to be one of those days. My entire night previous was spent fruitlessly studying/reading backlogged articles about the war in Iraq. I was saturated with bad mojo from all the horrible things I read, and the images my mind had created lingered all the way into the morning. While I sat inside the Union Weekly’s office “studying” all alone, our EIC walked in the door all smiles. This kinda pissed me off. “You excited? It’s National High Five day.” And with that, I was given what would be my first high five of hundreds; this instantly turned my day around. As I walked into the Student Union and through the sliding glass doors, I saw two men, James Boo, and Darryl, anxiously waiting for

someone to stoke out. Boom! I was given two high fives simultaneously. This made me smile for the first time all morning. I then decided that studying would now take a backseat to happiness, and instead I spent some time watching these two men go to work on the glum and apathetic students of CSULB. During the twenty or so minutes I spent taking pictures and observing their style I learned one thing: only really lame people don’t smile and gladly accept a random high five from a stranger wearing an orange shirt. Now only fifteen minutes before my exam I was handed a free Drumstick ice cream cone. As I walked to class I forgot about my bad morning, my test that I was in no way prepared for, and all I could think of was how great those guys were. I’m pretty sure I failed my test, but I walked in smiling, and for some reason left feeling like life wasn’t that bad. High fives RULE! *** National High Five Day is the most inclusive holiday in the world, excluding only the amputee community. Last Thursday I was having an okay day; I woke up in a bad mood, got dressed, and came to school. On my way to the escalators, two enthusi-

Thirty years of News page and I bet you’ve never read a damn word of it. It’s not a secret that this campus lacks interesting news (or maybe I just don’t know about it), but that wasn’t always the case. Here it is, our impression of what each decade of the Union Weekly’s News page thought was newsworthy.

The ‘70s

You didn’t have a choice, you were getting a high-five. Darryl doing work. astic men in bright orange shirts slapped me two enthusiastic high fives; for reasons I can neither explain nor understand, I immediately started smiling. I spent a few hours later in the day hanging out with Union photographers, covering the special event. In those two hours, I saw hundreds of high fives handed out (as well as sharing a few of my own), and to my surprise, nearly everyone walked away smiling. I have never, in five years, seen a morale boost of this caliber on our campus (the free ice cream didn’t hurt either, I assume). People of all ages and majors loved it, with the exception of maybe ten grumplestilskins who abstained. I even saw one kid, taking a tour with his parents, decide on the spot to come to CSULB. He gave an exuberant high five, and was applauded resoundingly by the crowd. His face turned pink, and he looked around with wonder in his eyes, clearly thinking, “Wow…college is awesome!” I agree with you kid, and NH5D is the perfect embodiment of why: it’s a meaningless day of spontaneous happiness and fun.

Diversity Week Opens Eyes, Minds By Vincent Girimonte Asst. to News Director The words “historic” and “unprecedented” were frequently used to describe the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender (LGBT) Diversity Week, a first-time event for CSULB, and certainly a step forward for the LGBT at the Beach. The series of public education programs, which included group panels, discussions, and film viewings, were intended to “highlight diversity within the LGBT community,” and welcomed all students to participate. “It’s amazing that we have a week like this,” said T.J. Huberg , a Communications graduate student, while moderating the Gender/Gender Panel. Huberg herself was kicked out of her school twenty years ago for being homosexual, making her role in the LGBT Diversity Week all the more meaningful and sweet.

On Tuesday, an LGBT Relationships Panel was held in the Beach auditorium, featuring Christine Chavez, granddaughter of labor pioneer Cesar Chavez, and a marriage equality activist in her own right. Chavez’s cause has prompted many of her grandfather’s supporters to criticize her for disgracing the Chicano icon. She is confident, however, that if Cesar Chavez were alive today, he would support the marriage equality movement with the same “si se puede” vigor that made him the working man’s leader. Also present was Rodney McKenzie, a project director for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. “We need to frame this as a civil rights issue,” said McKenzie, acknowledging that many Americans still maintain a relative ambiguity about gay rights. After each guest gave a short presentation, the floor was opened up for questions, which one student used to voice her outrage over a recent epi-

By Ryan Kobane & Vincent Girimonte

sode of The Sopranos, where one mobster was spotted in a gay club, and was subsequently killed. “Where is the outrage?” she asked. A day of silence took place on Wednesday, encouraging all those in support of LGBT progression to maintain silence for 24 hours. Thursday showcased two films: The Hidden Lives of Gay and Lesbian Orthodox and Hassidic Jews, and I Exist: Voices from the Lesbian and Gay Middle Eastern Community in the U.S. Both films embodied the theme of Diversity Week, seeking to display the diversity within the LGBT community and the hardships that each face, and hopefully use the knowledge to strengthen relationships. Dr. Kirstyn Chun, LGBT Resource Center Faculty Co-Advisor and organizer of the week’s activities was “very pleased” with the inaugural event, and stressed its importance: “We cannot support everyone in our community unless we first understand people’s unique needs.”

It’s weird, it honestly seems like people cared about what was happening on campus back in the ‘70s. The main concern for CSULB students seemed to be campus government first, United States politics second, and then art shows. The ‘70s also gave rise to many heated debates, rallies, and protests.

The ‘80s If one were to rapidly flip through the Union archives, specifically searching for ‘80s news articles, three issues would probably jump out at you: Reagan, Central America, and fee increases. Replace the former two with Bush and Iraq, respectively, and I’m fairly convinced that nothing has changed since the 1980s, and that includes The Union’s dedication to hard-hitting news. “Interview with Actual Small Children,” from the October 12th, 1981 issue, pays homage to this lasting standard with class and dignity.

The ‘90s The construction and completion of Parking Structure 1 may have been the story of the decade. Slow news decade, I guess. But really, even today, what gets the CSULB students’ asses chafed more than parking? Also earning a fair amount of coverage was guest speaker Khallid Abdul Muhammad, who was invited to speak at the Black Consciousness Conference, where he subsequently “dropped a bomb” (his words) on the student audience. Also, the Hemp Club was officially recognized in the March 22, 1993 issue, ending their rather dubious campaign for justice.

The 2000s The turn of the millennium spawned an evolving Union. Where once inclined to take on broader political issues, Union writers focused most, but certainly not all, of their attention on the arts and entertainment. This left news in an odd state, mainly covering campus events, which, at times, prompted staffers and readers alike to search for greener news pastures. News will never die, however, mostly because it’s in our charter. Keep reading news.

Mon. 23rd Tues. 24th Wed. 25th Thur. 26th Fri. 27th Your Weekend Hi 68° Lo 54° Hi 76° Lo 57° Hi 72° Lo 58° Hi 70° Lo 56° Hi 72° Lo 56° Partly Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny Sunny 23 April 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hi 73° Lo 57° Beautiful, boom. 3

[News]

Do You Feel Safe on Campus? Good, because you should; and here’s why. Sitting down with the our university’s Chief of Police and Associate Vice President to talk about CSULB security in general certainly made me feel better about our school; here is what was discussed.

Good ol’ Rubbish

tanding inside of our campus’ very own Mobile Command Unit vehicle I instantly feel like our university is prepared for anything. And during my discussion with Jack Pearson, Chief of Police for the University Police Department, and Toni Beron, CSULB Associate Vice President, they assure me that indeed we are.

On Emergency Beacons

On Emergency Procedures

“For our security plan we don’t simply use one conveyance. We have an ongoing procedure because of the fact that we have students all over campus, at practice, in class, eating in the Union. A whole list would be used for the different cases. Email, pre-recorded messages

But Should Union Staffer

News Director

“Response times within two minutes are what we strive for. But with shortages of staffing and the number of students now on campus, getting around is very difficult. Ninety-eight percent of the calls on blue light phones are non-emergencies, people that can’t find their car, stuff like that. Unfortunately that lends an air of complacency to the people answering those calls. But we do a great job responding to all calls,” said Chief Jack Pearson.

You Don’t Know By Chris Barrett

By Ryan Kobane

NEWS

It’s late on a Saturday night, and because our security is soooo good this lonesome student walks to her car all by herself without fear. so people can call and get updates without taking precious time away from emergency personnel, 800 emergency number, word of mouth, KJazz will run emergency notifications, local media, and possibly posting notifications all around campus. Eventually the message will get to you. We are very prepared,” said Toni Beron.

On Feeling Threatened

“Anything that appears credibly threatening we look into. We have a crisis response team on campus that will bring in all of the information we have. Then based on the teams findings we deal with the situation either

through the police, counseling, or the Dean of Students, it all depends on the situation. But all situations are looked into no matter what,” said Chief Jack Pearson.

On The Mobile Command Unit

“If we have a building collapse, or if we have an active shooter on campus we can give our command staff its full capabilities. The Command Unit can also be used for the President and the President’s cabinet during a time of crisis or a major disaster. We have satellite phone, internet, and TV. We have everything we need to keep this campus safe inside this vehicle,” said Sergeant Scott Brown.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

After 20 years of research and development, Startech Environmental Corporation has finally refined their world-changing invention into a marketable product. In brief, their invention uses 30,000°F plasma arcs to break down any waste into its constituent elements, producing an obsidian-like glass, gaseous fuels, and more energy than the process uses. In effect, such a Plasma Converter could burn off the waste produced by a million people forever, power itself and more, and also produce scarce fuels such as hydrogen gas. The glass waste produced can be reprocessed or even recycled as a construction material as long as no toxic metals or radioactive materials are disposed of in its creation. It wasn’t until recently that this technology became cheaper than putting trash into landfills and so easy as to just allow you to dump anything into it, from Agent Orange Stockpiles to live shotgun shells to concrete blocks. Now cities like New York City, which spends $400 million a year on garbage disposal, hope to reduce waste costs by 85%. Countries like Panama hope to fulfill 40% of their electricity demand in the process of converting as well.

23 April 2007

Opinions

The Birth of The Union Continued from page 2

Virginia Tech Shooting Exposes Vultures in the Media By Darren Davis

Union Staffer

he morning of Monday, April 16th, 2007, a student at Virginia Tech University walked onto campus and murdered 32 people before turning the gun on himself in the deadliest shooting in United States history. Utterly horrifying as the above words are, I believe that what we are now witnessing, here in the aftermath, is something just as terrifying. On the Wednesday after the Virginia Tech massacre, I sat in The Union office and watched, in its entirety, what MSNBC coined as the VT shooterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;multimedia manifestoâ&#x20AC;?: a collection of videos, photos, and writings sent by the murderer (who, for reasons of tact, I will not mention by name) in between his shooting sprees. The â&#x20AC;&#x153;manifesto,â&#x20AC;? despite being void of any graphic images, was disturbing by an entirely different level. There I was, sitting in relative comfort, being introduced to a mass murderer, in his own words, on a medium accessible by billions. It became clear that this was something culturally definitive. This was my generation. Like the Zodiac in the 70s, the VT killer is an example of the purposeful exploitation of the media, in the latterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s case, as a posthumous declaration. And, as expected, the media bit. But this is not the 70s. This is the era of point-and-click information, of YouTube, of the effortless reproduction and distribution of information, and MSNBC has poisoned the well. Just as The San Francisco Chronicle did in publishing letters sent by the Zodiac, MSNBC aired the killerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;manifestoâ&#x20AC;? in a decision governed by â&#x20AC;&#x153;responsibleâ&#x20AC;? reporting. What I find frightening is how long, and to what end, a media outlet can hide behind their â&#x20AC;&#x153;obligation to the public.â&#x20AC;? Presented alongside the somber face of Brian Williams, NBC almost looked mournful in releasing the footage on the Nightly News. But you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell me the perpetually last-place network didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t blow their load when the biggest story in the nation landed, literally, on their doorstep. They put the American public on a far-too-intimate level with a monster, on what feels like the monsterâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s terms. Despite this, I watched it. I am human, and when I log onto CNN.com and am bombarded by links and pictures to â&#x20AC;&#x153;the inside of a killerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mind,â&#x20AC;? of course I am curious. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like the horrendous traffic accident you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look away from. If you post it, it will be watched. It simply never should have been posted. But I am not alone in my regret. Backlash against MSNBC was quick and pointed, not just from disgruntled college students and the like, but from within the media itself. It was just too much, too fast. The question also stands as to how this information parade will effect the youth, specifically â&#x20AC;&#x153;troubledâ&#x20AC;? youth. In his declaration, the VT killer cited Dylan and Eric as comrades and martyrs, referring to the tragedy of Columbine, two earlier examples of murderers immortalized at the hands of a media fiasco. What is accomplished by presenting these killers in such a consuming manner, by analyzing them with vigor and diligence, by making them characters,

23 April 2007

Illustration By Steven Carey

is giving others the means to identify with those who should be shut away, evaporated. They warn us of copycat killers, then give them something to copy. The way this country reacts to tragedy is disheartening in itself. It is as though there is an unspoken need for those in power to remain utterly composed, even in the face of something as unimaginable as April 16th. I understand the responsibilities of public figures expected to address the masses and show leadership in a time of despair. But

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s like the horrendous traffic accident you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look away from. If you post it, it will be watched. It simply never should have been posted. when President Bush releases his official statement in response to VT, using â&#x20AC;&#x153;shocked and saddenedâ&#x20AC;? to sum up some sort of reaction, he is distancing himself from it, perhaps in a manner that others wish they could. It would almost be refreshing to have read along the CNN scroll bar: â&#x20AC;&#x153;In response to news of the Virginia Tech murders, President Bush moans â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Oh...oh my God. Oh dear God in heaven. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so sorry. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so fucking sorry.â&#x20AC;&#x2122;â&#x20AC;?

But that would never happen. Humanity is for the birds. The senselessness of mass murder is a consuming one, and I have yet to wrap my head around the numbers. 33 dead. 33 families, including the family of the killer, who perhaps will have a harder time asking themselves why. Here, on a college campus, we are asking our own questions: What if it was us? What if weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re next? Three days ago I was taking a test in a crowded ground floor room in LA-2. I found myself looking at the front door and thinking if someone were to walk in with an automatic weapon we would be fish in a barrel. Would I be one of the first ones to be hit? If not, would I cower on the floor and play dead? Or would I be the hero and fight off the would-be killer like Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to imagine I would? I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know. And I never want to find out. I must expel those questions or I will start looking at faces with distrust. That is not what I want. We must not forfeit one another. As college students, letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mourn the loss of our peers, and pray for their families and friends, but letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not give in to the mania that is gripping the rest of our country. Be safe. And look out for each other. From one student to another. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly â&#x20AC;˘ The Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Newspaper

We jumped through each hoop, determined to get The Union published before the semester ended. Our admin adversaries hoped thatâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;if they could stall us out â&#x20AC;&#x201D;weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d just go away. Students graduate or flunk out. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be gone and so would this idea. But people stepped forward all over campus. We got our charter approved. A meeting with the English Department faculty resulted in professor Dr. Charles Mayâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a national authority on obscenity â&#x20AC;&#x201D;stepping up as our advisor. Because we werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t limited to J. majors, we attracted students from Art, Graphics, History, Psychology, Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Studies, all over. The Union was open to everyone. Those early hurdles made The Union stronger and helped it survive to this day. But the last one almost killed the deal. Much to our surprise, Student Union director Ajay Martin, a hep cat if ever there was one and a guy we really liked, said that our plan to make a home for The Union in his building would be â&#x20AC;&#x153;over my dead body.â&#x20AC;? That left us on a campus-wide waiting list for office space. In the priority pecking order, we came under category No. 21â&#x20AC;&#x201D;all others. Farber gleefully pointed out that we faced about a 10-year wait for an office (weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d even graduate by then) and that having a permanent location on campus was a mandatory condition for publication under school rules. It was April, four months after we got A.S. approval and funding. We found another friend in publisher and California State University trustee Dean Lesher. He argued our case before the trustees, who agreed that lack of office space was no reason to block freedom of the press. We had one more hiccup before that first issue. Our debut was supposed to come out one day earlier. A.S. business advisor Jeffrey Lake read our proofs and panicked. He called the printer and told the company literally to stop the presses. The offending article: A consumer column by Deb with tips on off-brand names used by major liquor companies. Lake thought the liquor companies would sue. He was wrong, of course, but the printer quit the next day and we scrambled to find a new printing company by 6 p.m. We ended up using the same company as the Daily 49er - with the two papers pasted up within feet of each other. You can imagine the sort of shenanigans that ensued. We got out four issues that first semester before finals. The first had an overwhelming reaction, although it was mostly a collection of stuff weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d been carrying around in a satchel for the past couple of months. People wanted to know how did we get that Grunion exclusive about the attack on President Horn (he laughed). We still had no office. (Remember, this was before laptops and cellphones.) We set up shop each day with some old clunky, portable typewriters anywhere we could find some unattended space on campus (the Nugget included). We got chased out of the Union repeatedly. We had one phone extension and a mailbox in the A.S. offices. The following semester, Farber relented and found us two offices in a liberal arts building, squeezed between history professors. Arnie Springer, one of our neighbors, later became our advisor. The Union really made it when it got office space in the Student Union. Martin didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t drop dead. Lake was already gone; he was charged with embezzlement and fired. When we finally did graduate, we resisted suggestions by staff members to take The Union off campus so weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d all have jobs. We couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. The Union belonged to the students and always will.

[Sports]

Know Your Dirtbags

or some, the NFL season ends when the Super Bowl clock reads 00:00. Others follow intently as small teasers (free agency signings, the draft, mini-camps, and pre-season) keep our interest sustained year round. The biggest highlight of each off-season is the draft known for its monumental busts, hidden gems, and most importantly, for teams trying to build their franchise. The 2007 Draft is happening this weekend, April 28-29, with extensive TV coverage by ESPN and the NFL Network. Here is how it should turn out, in my opinion.

SS Danny Espinoza

By Sergio Ascencio Union Contributor

By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent

1) Oakland Raiders (2006 record: 2-14)

Needs: Offense, offense, offense! Draft: Calvin Johnson, WR, Georgia Tech. Many people are projecting the Raiders to draft QB JaMarcus Russell from LSU. Does anyone know the name of the guy who threw to Calvin Johnson at GT? I don’t, and it doesn’t matter who throws him the ball. Calvin Johnson is the undisputed best player in the draft. 2) Detroit Lions (3-13) Needs: Anything besides WR (preferably QB or defensive line) Draft: Brady Quinn, QB, Notre Dame Quinn is the most prepared QB to start immediately in the NFL. Detroit needs that kind of attention from their first round pick. For Matt Millen’s sake, pray he doesn’t bust. 3) Cleveland Browns (4-12) Needs: RB, QB, defensive backs Draft: JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU Assuming Russell is still available, this is a nobrainer. If he is off the board, they will pick RB Adrian Peterson since Jamal Lewis won’t last long for the Browns. 4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12) Needs: WR, defensive line, defensive backs Draft: Gaines Adams, DE, Clemson Since Calvin Johnson is off the board, the Bucs will want to trade this pick. Under a no-trading assumption, they will beef up their D line by getting Adams, the top pass rusher in the draft. 5) Arizona Cardinals (5-11) Needs: The trenches! (O and D lines)

Draft: Joe Thomas, OT, Wisconsin Thomas is the undisputed top offensive lineman in the draft. His contribution to the Cardinals run game will be significant, and he’ll be known as Leinart’s guardian by 2010. 6) Washington Redskins (5-11) Needs: A real pass rush Draft: Amobi Okoye, DT, Louisville Amobi is set to become the youngest player ever drafted in the NFL which could translate to an extra long career if his body can hold up. 7) Minnesota Vikings (6-10) Needs: Everywhere in general Draft: Adrian Peterson, RB, Oklahoma Current running back Chester Taylor is decent, but if Peterson slips this far, the Vikings would be foolish to pass on him. 8) Atlanta Falcons (7-9) Needs: Secondary, O line, D line. Draft: Levi Brown, OT, Penn State Simply put, Levi Brown is massive: 6’5” and weighing in over 320 pounds. 9) Miami Dolphins (6-10) Needs: O line, D line Draft: Alan Branch, DT, Michigan Branch has apparent self-discipline issues on

and off the field. He is accused of not giving 100% on all plays and has let himself go a bit in the weight department. 10) Houston Texans (6-10) Needs: All over on defense Draft: Laron Landry, S, LSU A solid defensive back is the Texans’ biggest need, and Landry is the best in the draft. 11) San Francisco 49ers (7-9) Needs: Front 7 on D Draft: Jamaal Anderson, DE, Arkansas Alan Branch might slip to them at this spot, but don’t count on it. 12) Buffalo Bills (7-9) Needs: LB, CB, a new RB to replace McGahee Draft: Leon Hall, CB, Michigan There are a handful of solid cornerbacks in the draft and Leon Hall is best of the class. 13) St. Louis Rams (8-8) Needs: Holy Jesus, can we get some defense? Draft: Patrick Willis, LB, Mississippi They should draft the best available defensive player. Willis, with the size and speed to be very successful in the NFL, is their guy. Want the rest of the picks? Check out lbunion.com and make a post/prediction.

Photo By Ryan Kobane

There is nowhere Dirtbag switch-hitting shortstop Danny Espinoza would rather be than the baseball diamond. His favorite spot on campus is the baseball practice field, which is sandwiched on the North side of campus between the Pyramid and Track, and on the eve of making his first start in nearly two weeks, Espinoza is posted up hatless sporting some smurf-blue Oakley’s right outside the practice facility dugout. His hair is everywhere and nowhere at the same time and the ‘Myd is mirrored off his baseball locs. It’s clear to see that the one thing on his mind is returning to the field. “The recovery process sucks,” Espinoza said of his sprained muscle that aggravated a nerve in his back. “You’re in the dugout and you try to be the best teammate you can but being in there knowing that no matter what, coach can’t give you a chance to play.” Espinoza has been showtime since the moment he stepped on campus, garnering Big West Conference Freshman of the Year last season, and is currently hitting .310, with four home runs and 21 RBIs in 30 games this season. He leads the team in slugging percentage (.504), doubles (8) and 27 strikeouts. Espinoza Cont. on Page 7

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

23 April 2007

Sports

“WHAT!?!?” O’ The Week

NBA PLAYOFF PREVIEW. BOOM. By Ryan ZumMallen

Union H-O-R-S-E Champ

ast year’s NBA Playoffs proved that the League still has a lot of kick in it. In what was perhaps the most exciting postseason of the past 10 years, the Miami Heat erased a 2-0 deficit in the Finals to claim their first ever championship. Thrilling series between the Suns-Lakers, Cavs-Wizards and Mavs-Spurs brought back long-lost fans to the L. I hung onto every point, rebound and loose ball for two months. This year, the title is up for grabs just as much as it was last year, if not even more so. Dallas ran away with the League’s best record, and will face a running Golden State team that brings new meaning to “small-ball.” Speaking of, the high-octane Phoenix Suns re-face the Kobes this year. Whereas last year’s series went from a 3-1 Laker advantage to a thrilling Phoenix win in Game 7, this year the Suns will have mega-beast Amare Stoudamire, and there is no Laker capable of containing him. San Antonio faces Denver, a series that could be prime for an upset. When Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson are hitting, they have the ability to beat anyone in the League.

Tim Duncan will have to take some time away from making whiney-face if he wants to move into the second round. Utah hosts Houston to round out the Western Conference. The Jazz will win because there’s no way Tracy McGrady stays healthy, and Yao Ming makes Charles Barkley look like a world-class sprinter. Normally, writing about any Eastern Conference team besides the Pistons come playoff time would be a waste of my time. The West is just a better conference. Last year showed, however, that the East has a very exciting style (Cavs-Wiz) and also boasts some of the NBA’s elite (Pistons-Heat). This year, every series is worth paying attention to yet again. The East is all about young, raw, and sometime inexperienced talent. This was evidenced by several teams starting hot and limping into the playoffs. Chicago, Washington and Orlando all sprinted to the top of the standings before hitting a wall around the All-Star Break and relegating themselves to the 5th, 7th and 8th spots, respectively. On the other hand, veteran clubs like Detroit and Miami ran the season like a marathon, finishing strong when it counted. Cleveland also played convincing ball on

their way to 50 wins. The first round series to watch, though, is the #3 Toronto Raptors vs. the #6 New Jersey Nets. The Raptors shocked a lot of “experts” with their play this year, and if stellar rookies Jorge Garbosa and Andrea Bargnani are at full strength, they have a good shot at moving along. New Jersey is still one of the most highlight-prone teams in the NBA, and this series could turn into a dunkfest with the quickness if both offenses are running smoothly. Detroit will handle Orlando fairly easily, Cleveland will squash a Washington team missing two of their top three scorers, and Chicago will probably take Miami to seven games before beating the defending champs. All in all, look for a lot of seven-game series, similar to last season. Even in the #1-#8 series’, the difference in talent is nearly unnoticeable. Any one of five Eastern teams could reach the Finals to face the West’s juggernauts. An Eastern team took it all last year, and though it looks doubtful this season, it could certainly happen again. I would make a Finals prediction here, but it wouldn’t mean anything. I don’t know who’s going to win and I frankly don’t care. I just know it’s gonna be good.

Know Your Dirtbags: Espinoza Continued from 6 The strikeouts are in large part due to his vicious swing from both sides of the plate. That is also the reason he has four bombs this season after hitting none as a freshman. But when it comes down to it, there is no one better in pressure situations than number eight. “I really like to feed off the energy of the crowd,” Espinoza said. “Whether it’s against me or for me. If they’re against me I want to prove them wrong, look at them and when they are booing me I can say ‘I just got you.’” Espinoza continues that his greatest baseball moment occurred earlier this season when the Dirtbags took two out of three games from the University of Texas Longhorns. In those games he drove in and scored the winning run, capping off two come from behind victories on Friday and Saturday. He said that series was key because it showed the squad that they could compete with anyone in the nation. The Big West Conference has named him Player of the Week twice already this season, and he has committed only 5 errors this season, the least amongst every-day shortstops in the conference. “His style of play fits in with what we do here,” said six-year coach Mike Weathers. “We build our team on defense here. Starting with the shortstop, catcher and center fielder. We didn’t care about offense when we recruited [Espinoza]. He knew the game well and played the game hard and that is what I like.”

23 April 2007

Coach Weathers knows a thing or two about grooming a talented shortstop. Former Dirtbag and current Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki held down the position before Espinoza arrived in Long Beach. “I get really excited to watch [Dirtbag Alumni] because they come back here and are cool,” Espinoza said. “Especially Troy, he helps me a lot, working out with me and is always trying to help me.” Espinoza admits that he enjoys making big plays at short rather than getting the big hit. This goes back to his days as a youngster when he would follow his father, Dan Espinoza, to his Adult Baseball League games. Dan said Danny has always had the desire and focus to succeed in baseball. One of his fondest memories of Danny was at age four, when he caught his son watching college baseball on the television all by himself. “As a parent you’re always proud,” Dan Espinoza said. “At the same time, we suffer during the low times more than they do.” Now, Espinoza, a Santa Ana native, is looking forward to traveling to Fullerton at the end of the season. Last year, Titan fans got into his head and took him out his game, he said. “Fullerton recruited me and I told them that I didn’t want to go there,” Espinoza said. “They’re a great program, but the guys here go about playing a different way. It’s harder. The coaches ask more of you as far as playing hard and that’s how I always saw myself. Playing hard. Dirty. Doing anything to win.”

For the last thirteen years fans of the Golden State Warriors have had varying expectations for the upcoming NBA season. High hopes for a playoff berth have been the norm some years, while other times they knew the Warriors were going to be abysmal. Regardless of the expectations, the Warriors never failed to deliver putridity. I know this for a fact, because I have been a fan of The City for more than those thirteen years. When I was a wee youngster my Dad had access to some pretty nice floor-level seats. I went to games coached by Don Nelson before he strapped an extra hundred pounds around his waist, saw Tim “I hate gay people” Hardaway cross-over countless hopeless opponents, and witnessed the perfection that was Chris Mullin’s lefty set shot. During those benevolent times, the assists piled up and the Warriors were the Jedi Knights of the fast-break philosophy. Before the dark times, before Chris Webber. The Warriors mortgaged the franchise (three number ones plus Penny and Lil Penny) to get him, and he stabbed us in the back during his second season. Nelson left as well, and everything went FUBAR. Felons talk of how prison time is different. How it can seem like you walk into your cell one day, leave it the next and ten years have passed in the interim. That is how those years have passed for the devoted Warrior fan. It seems like just yesterday Spree was demonstrating hand-strengthening exercises on P.J. Carliesimo’s neck. The Todd Fuller era passed by with nary a whisper. Agent Zero has come and gone. But that is all in the past now. Don Nelson is back, the Warriors are surging, and the Dallas Mavericks loom. Though they may be a 67 win behemoth, I am strangely optimistic about our chances. That is the optimism that comes with rooting for a team that has missed the playoffs for over half your life. – By Casey Curran

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Straight

Due to complaints during Friday’s Dirtbag’s game, our beloved SuperFan was suspended for Saturday’s game. He was not allowed to enter Blair Field, but he was given a ticket for Beach Pride purposes. All for a few F-bombs? Come on! It’s time for a student section at Blair!

with

ROOF

JJ Fiddler

History repeating itself. In 1983, Gary Warner (former Union Political editor) attended the MLB free agent re-entry draft, which was started in ’77. His article, Baseball Fever: They’re Not Buying It, chronicled the 46-minute draft that took place in the basement of the New York Sheraton. Warner goes over some of the players chosen as well as a conversation between a few reporters. Here is an excerpt from the conclusion of his article: After the last of the execs had bid goodbye, the reporters, camera crews, waiters, hangers on and anybody else gather around. This band of armchair directors of player personnel bandied analysis back and forth with a fervor normally attached to debates on nuclear arms treaties. “Why in God’s name didn’t the Yanks go after [Kent] Tekulve? What are they going to do if Goose [Gossage] really doesn’t come back?” “They’ll sign Bill Caudill. Seattle only wants a couple of everyday players. Like Kemp and Balboni.” “Kemp and Balboni? Kemp can’t see and Balboni can’t hit a curveball.” “So, they’re Seattle. They’re Seattle because they make trades like that.” “Why didn’t anyone touch [Rod] Carew?” “He’s old. He wants a million plus. He chokes with guys on base.” “But he hits .300 every year.” “All singles.” “So what, he hits hundreds of them. Everyone is falling all over Evans, what’s his lifetime average? .250? .260?” “Ya, but he hits 25 homers and he’s a lot cheaper than Carew.” The analysis finally comes to a close when the subject of lunch is broached. Slowly the writers went off to eat and the hotel people cleaned up. In a far corner Yankee G.M. Murray Cook talks with two reporters. “I’d stay here as long as I could if I were him too,” one senior writer says, “I mean what’s there to do, go back to Yankee Stadium and hang around Steinbrenner. I’d stay until they lock the door and turn out the lights.” By the refreshment table, a man with patched pants and shaggy hair is being hassled by a hotel employee for putting three breakfast rolls in his backpack. “Leave him alone,” one of the radio correspondents shouts across the room, “they were stale anyway.” To make it even better, Warner was in New York attending the Columbia School of Journalism. Who says Union writers turn into nothing? Who? * * * Here is an excerpt from a house ad in a 1979 Union issue: Attention! Sports Fans! We need people to write. Yes, write, write sports! All sports! On campus and off. Football, basketball, Mayan skull-kicking… anything. I mean, how about a little 49er spirit! Doesn’t anybody care about sports on this campus anymore? Prove everybody wrong! We’re all fans down here, you know! Call Grunzelda… She’s a Dodger fan! Warner’s article and this ad proves that ending articles with anecdotes and begging for new sports writers are nothing new to Union sports coverage. It also proves that when someone is looking at this page in 20 years they’ll probably be saying to themselves, “wow, these guys were just like us.” Some things never change. And some things shouldn’t. Questions? Comments? JJ Fiddler can be reached at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Monday23 Photo Courtesy of Bloc Party

Rooney at the Roxy – 7pm $11 A Static Lullaby at the Knitting Factory – 7.30pm $12 Local Band Showcase at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Iggy & the Stooges at the Wiltern – 8pm $42.50 Jet at the HOB Anaheim – 8pm $23 Men, Women, and Children at the Troubadour – 8pm $12

Tuesday24 Four Twenty Four at the Knitting Factory – 6pm $15 Evaline at the Whisky – 7pm $13 Local Band Showcase at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Latin Reggae Night at the HOB Sunset – 7.30pm $12 Vast at Velvet Jones – 8pm $15

Wednesday25 Blonde Redhead at the Glass House – 7pm $17.50 Diskonto at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 Mutemath at the HOB Sunset – 7pm $15 Ultra High Frequency at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $7 Janeane Garofolo at the Silent Movie Theatre – 8pm $25 Jet at the Troubadour – 8pm $20 Illinois at Spaceland – 8.30pm $8

Thursday26 The Jesus and Mary Chain at the Glass House – 7pm $30 Sean Lennon at the Roxy – 9pm $20 Embrace the End at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Cage 9 at the Key Club LA – 8pm $7 Janeane Garofolo at the Silent Movie Theatre – 8pm $25 Jet at the Troubadour – 8pm $20 MC Lars at the Knitting Factory – 7.30pm $10 Harlem Shakes at Spaceland – 8.30pm $12 Vast at the El Rey – 9pm $15

Friday27 Coachella at the Empire Polo Field – all day $86 Crowded House at the Glass House – 7pm $25 Dawn Bishop at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $13 Showcase Showdown at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $9 Breakthru Showcase at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Grant Lee Phillips at the Troubadour – 8pm $15 Janeane Garofolo at the Silent Movie Theatre – 8pm $25 Jr. Richard at the Coach House – 8pm $20 Vast at the Galaxy – 8pm $15 Which One’s Pink at the Key Club LA – 8pm $18 Lymbyc System at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $6 The Smithereens at Morongo – 9pm $25

Saturday28 Coachella at the Empire Polo Field – all day $86 Fueled by Fire at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 The Number 12 Looks Like You at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $12 Janeane Garofolo at the Silent Movie Theatre – 8pm $25 The Atomic Punks at the Coach House – 8pm $19.50 The Walkmen at the Echoplex – 8pm $15 Apostle of Hustle at Spaceland – 9pm $10

Sunday29 Showcase Showdown at the Showcase Theatre – 5.30pm $8 No Bragging Rights at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Janeane Garofolo at the Silent Movie Theatre – 8pm $25 CocoRosie at the El Rey – 9pm $20 Coachella at the Empire Polo Field – all day $86

n a cold, October day in 2004, I found myself on the doorstep of the El Rey Theatre. I walked into the El Rey and discovered the charm of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists (TLRX) and while I was unaware of their music walking in, I was positively their newest fan walking out. Ironically, my expectations were not met when I made my way to another show 3 years later at the same venue after the release of their latest effort, Living with the Living. Known for his energetic and remarkable stage presence, you can expect Ted Leo to literally send chills down your spine while he’s on stage. Once the show starts, you won’t be able to stop yourself from dancing, he’s that good. Except on April 12th I was somewhat let down. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists carried out a good performance, presenting their new politically influenced album Living with the Living, but undoubtedly, not good enough. Their performance was enjoyable sure, but in my eyes, it was only a shadow of what they once were. I’m not sure why I was turned off by the performance. Maybe it was bassist, Dave Lerner, who didn’t express an ounce of emotion during their whole set. Or maybe it was the addition of a second guitarist, James Canty, which really confined Ted Leo’s true performing talent. All I know is I didn’t dance. Not one minute was my body compelled to move in the best way it knows how, which is a key reason I attended the show in the first place. Now, I may be exaggerating, but for those of you who are familiar with Ted Leo, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Under all of the political undertones, the criticism of modern day issues and behind the significant meanings of all their songs, TLRX created music

Ted Leo Buys The Pharm that made you want to dance. Their music held a quality that in some respects coerced your body into fast-paced dance movements, whether you liked it or not. They turned a shitty mood into a happy one even when they were singing about controversial issues and that’s why they were so good. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists’ new album might also contribute to why I left the show with a compromised impression. First of all, it’s completely different from Shake the Sheets, which is probably their best effort to this day. The new album, with the exception of a reggae-inspired “The Unwanted Things,” felt to me like an attempt to create a mature sound without having really made any progress. Particularly, their song, “Bomb, Repeat, Bomb” comes to mind, which is a lot like a punk song/slam poem that has no melody at all. The style that Ted Leo likes to write in lends itself to politics and social issues but having realized that our society, at least since the release of Shake the Sheets, hasn’t really changed at all, there is a distinctly sad and morose feeling from TLRX’s latest. Instead of the positive feelings that TLRX fans are used to, there’s a much more “Shit, we’re stuck here” type of attitude. In an interview with Anthem Magazine, Ted Leo says about the new album, “It’s this whole idea that everything has to revolve around disasters and the negative aspects thereof. It’s like, ‘You know what? I’m making a choice right now to be living with the living.’” My overall opinion of TLRX is the same; they still continue to impress me with their music, their message and their cool ability to make me move, but for now, I say, “Cheer up Ted, we’ll be alright.” -By Kathy Miranda

A Musical Mission To Mars Now some may say that with all the hype that this band has received over the years that some detraction was inevitable. On the last several tours, The Mars Volta has been known for bringing back 70s-style fusion jazz-rock odysseys to arena shows by only playing four songs with 45 minute jams betwixt them. It would seem though that they were actually doing that to separate the wheat from the chafe. What someone has to understand is that what one listener considers alienating might send another into a fit of technical ecstasy. On April 3rd, they descended upon the Orpheum Theater in Los Angeles-proper for an intimate show that featured them playing as conventional a set as you could see from them. They actually played about a ten-song set that was augmented with tasteful jamming that worked as segues from one piece to the next. As they walked on stage, there was still an air of calm, but all that changed as the first note of “Rapid Fire” struck. The somewhat-still-afroed duo were on fire as they flung themselves all around the large stage. Within the first 15 minutes, frontman Cedric Bixler-Zevala visited both the middle aisle of the venue and one of the balcony box seats, all while foaming at the mouth and miming the late great James Brown mixed with a classic circus tumbler. Guitarist Omar RodriguezLopez spent most of the show completely lost in his one-pedal-board wizardry. The

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

line-up of the band has changed somewhat with the additions of Thomas Pridgen, Marcellus RodriguezLopez, Adrián Terrazas-González, and (former At The Drive-In member) Paul “Non-hyphenated Last Name” Hinojos, now sans bass and playing guitar like he did in Sparta. Again, jazz’s influence is everpresent, from the call-and-response aural relationship between the guitars and brass to the precision at which the noise is handled. For those who enjoy musicianship as well as stellar songwriting, the meandering nature of what these boys do is a thing of sheer orgasmic amazement. If you need something that is easy to digest and over in 2-5 minutes then they’re not the band for you, especially in a live setting. Even songs from the seemingly lackluster release Amputechture shined brightly, making up a majority of the setlist. Still, fans of the band’s older material should really make an honest effort to check them out next time they make it back home. -By Alan Passman

23 April 2007

Panda Bear

Trent Reznor Travels To Year Zero

rent Reznor, under the flag of his nom de band Nine Inch Nails, is one of the only luminary figures of the 1990s that still manages to conclusively turn out quality material. With all the disillusionment involved with alt.rock supergroups forming as well as great bands reforming to cash in, it is nice to see that one of the heavyweights of the era remains relevant. Known for creating burgeoning and cathartic industrial edged synth-pop that is usually augmented with the diametrically opposed elements of conventional rock instrumentation, NIN has filled the endless void of misery to the delight of critics and fans alike for over a decade now. After a lengthy period of rebirth musically as well as lifestyle-wise between The Fragile and With Teeth, Reznor returns with a political concept record entitled Year Zero. People who enjoyed the more recent previous releases are in for a treat as it happens to feature some of the most beautiful landscapes since The Fragile mixed with the accessibly danceable noisy click IDM qualities of With Teeth. All the while, the brutality of the dark prince’s earlier work manages to return as subtle nuance as opposed to something brutally overt or metallic. This is not to say that this is music to put small children to sleep with but it seems as though what T.R. has gained over the years is the maturity to manage creatively self indulgent excess into an extremely palettable rock experience with pop hooks. The first single, “Survivalism,” is definitely what it should be in terms of the fast paced and aggressive tempo ala “March of the Pigs” off 1994’s The Downward Spiral.

However it’s placed alongside very sardonic lyrics about the security found in bandwagon patriotism. Whereas some reviewers like to spend most reviews taking potshots at Trent Reznor’s lyrical foibles, this review will take a moment to praise him. The song “Capital G” can be seen as a satire of either our lame duck president or the man upstairs himself but works moreso for the corporeal of the two, playing on the latter’s tendency to assume an air of divinity when it comes to his place on a list of importance. When speaking in terms of musicality though, the same piece is an excellent example of how a good, diverse instrumentation can make a song. The implementation of a whole brass section as well as woodwinds demonstrates that messing with conventional configurations of instruments can create a mix of old and new school. “The Good Soldier” feels like it could be at home on another record but utilizes hip-hop 4/4 drums and something that resembles a glockenspiel to create an otherworldly pop song. If you’re looking for something that resembles classic NIN, look no further than “God Given,” which sounds like JT’s “SexyBack” with a set of gorilla-sized balls. A great collection of songs coupled with a visionary marketing campaign, that ties into the reality of the story told by the record, helps to create one of the best records from this man/band to date. If you are barely getting into this band then I wouldn’t suggest starting here but it is so accessibly inaccessible that you might be able to. -By Alan Passman

Person Pitch Paw Tracks

Reviewed By Guido D’Onofrio

You can count on members of New York’s experimental rock group Animal Collective for artistic growth, relentless experimentation and melding of diverse influences, and Panda Bear (Noah Lennox) delivers on all fronts with the psychedelic dub/pop masterpiece Person Pitch. Breaking away from the acoustic, introspective, minimalist compositions of his previous release, Young Prayer, Panda Bear in Person Pitch takes up samplers and synthesizers to deliver gripping, multilayered walls and loops of sound that will have your toe tapping and mind bending. Panda Bear’s diverse influences are apparent. The odd, flowing structures of “Search for the Delicious” and “I’m Not” are evocative of Kid A’s hypnotic post-rock sound. “Take Pills” and “Good Girl/ Carrots” fuse Beach Boys vocals, psychedelic 60s rock reverberation, and trip-hop structures into echo-filled compositions that sound like they’re played underwater. Scattered throughout the eclectic Person Pitch are influences of dance, Latin, electronica, and folk music, to name a few. Person Pitch’s showcase is “Bros,” a twelve minute bouncy composition that demonstrates Panda Bear’s gift for creating layered, catchy, pop-reminiscent songs that meld enough psychedelic influence to elevate Person Pitch from a toe-tapping good time to a blissful journey through sound and emotion. Person Pitch will make listeners feel like they’re experiencing a lucid dream. Its inability to be classified, heavy experimentation and odd song structures will challenge those uninitiated into the experimental scene. However, open-minded listeners will find themselves in an altered state of mind as sound and melody travels through their mind and body. Turn on, tune in, drop out. Forget pills and experience Panda Bear’s Person Pitch. You’ll experience feelings of euphoria without having to destroy your brain with psychedelic drugs.

Two Tickets provided by The Long Beach Theater League. First person to come to Union Weekly offices (Student Union Office 256a, Next to Music Listening Lounge) to request tickets wins! (If we’re not there, it’s your loss.)

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Quizno’s in the University Dining Plaza is now

Under New Ownership & Management Looking forHard-Working Applicants good pay & flexible hours!

Call John @ (213) 219-8725 23 April 2007

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DISSECTING THE UNION Chapter 30:

It’s What’s Inside That Counts!

Has it really only been thirty years? It feels more like ninety.

The Union’s sordid history has left its entire staff frightened and, more often than not, alone. Once you step through the doors of The Union office and become part of the staff, you age three years instantly, are forced to grow a stinky beard, and become bitter at the world around you. While this phenomenon remains a mystery to some, the explanation can be found by examining the inner workings of a publication designed to be the voice of thousands, but run by a small number of contributors. In this chapter you will see what content has shaped The Union, get a brief introduction to the great minds that created it, and hopefully gain a greater understanding for the students who have been bringing you thirty years of unfiltered literary journalism.

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Creation

The Union was spawned by a group of students who originally wrote for The Daily Forty-Niner. Unwilling to write only what they were told to write, these pioneers decided that the time had come for all students to experience the power of the press without the power of repression. The logo changed almost every year, including one year when a mysterious lobster appeared and was never explained.

Pioneers

Everybody working on this issue is greatly indebted to the names that follow, a debt they would likely pay had they any money. With that said, it does seem a little slipshod to merely list the names of the first Union staff. Surely a bio section is in order, complete with superpowers and hobbies alike. Then again, I’m sure they would prefer to remain obscure, world-altering immortals that incidentally gave foul human beings like myself a place to write and be semi-happy with life. So thank you, courageous Union Staff of ‘77. Your frustration with the status quo has not died. It lives right here, in the groin of the Student Union, and will continue to live so long as there are people who like their coffee black and their meat rare. Jack Shinar, Editor Debbie Arrington, Campus Editor Jim Cox, Entertainment Editor Mario Villafuente, Community Editor Mike Stanford, Art Director Steve Greenberg, Cartoonist Charles May, Advisor John Farrell, Oliver Christianson (Revilo), Victor Penman, David Peck, Bob Aisawa, Sandy Novy, Jamie (Arrington) Sandberg, Gregg Rickman/ Eric Blair, Jeff Kessler, Liz Tarnov, Cherry Wood, Ted Myers, Marybeth Goodman-Bloomberg, Bill Sheehan, Mick Thompson, Brad Graverson, John Trausch, Curtis Palmer, John Diamond, David Dange, Leroy Hernandez-Wong, Barbara Johnson, Robert Winters, Dennis Cryor, Doug Pruner, Frank Ford, Max Solomon, Susie Bright, Corinne Chin, Rio Marroquin, Dave Lowery, Dan Poe Newman, Bill Tracy, David Ramsden, Conrad Rosen, Veronica Gunnerson, Ben Serar.

Controversies

Every year of The Union is led by a different Editor-in-Chief, and as such has its pages stained with a new controversy. Whether it was covering sensitive issues on campus, or battling for funding with the callous A. S. Senate, the students’ newspaper has been the talk of the town for 30 strong, and not all of it was praise believe it or not. Beginning in 1978 when The Union was told they were “financially irresponsible” (that may or may not be true, it wasn’t until years later that the staff caused over $10k worth of damages to their office) and continuing on to be threatened time and again with a shut down, many higher-ups felt that The Union wasn’t representing the views of the students, but rather the political agendas of the writers. It was a minor misunderstanding that was cleared up when people realized the students were the writers. Whoops. In 1984 The Union was officially “shut down” when their budget was slashed, but it was back again the next year despite hell’s best efforts. Then in 1989, the world was graced with The Union Classic (see 6), and a new tradition of fearless literary journalism was born. The Union will always be a force to be reckoned with on campus, despite all of the intimidation, threats, criticism and the slaps on the wrist.

Campus Life

If there is an outbreak of influenza in the dorms, we’re on it. Coffee Bean not accepting your frequent buyer card, that’s news. See two kids making out under the bleachers, if it’s a slow week sure, we’ll print that. The Union has always been devoted to covering all aspects of campus life so that you are in the know. Besides, how else would you find out about the sex-offender professors? Certainly not from the administration.

23 April 2007

ABOVE: A real Union House Ad from an actual issue of The Union.

O.D.A.A.O.U.T.C.

Our Doors Are Always Open, Unless They’re Closed.

The Union has always encouraged every student to voice their opinion, whether it’s their love of cheese, or fear of lobsters, the paper has been the best place to come in and gain the experience for a career in writing, editing, design, art, management, business and sales. Listen, if you don’t like what is printed in the paper, you only have yourself to blame. Without your help, we’re just a bunch of overworked children, and we’re easily amused.

88 Pages...

... and the Tale of Two Unions

The year of 1988 was a tumultuous one – in the Spring, many staffers began to question the direction of the paper. A small faction of students published a bizarre parody of The Union titled “The AntiUnion” urging students to take past issues of The Union and burn them in protest of the current incarnation. It may have confused students slightly, but the effects of The Anti-Union would not be seen until nearly a year later. Then September 29, 1988 came along, when the Associated Student Senate shut down The Union for “lewd, indecent or obscene behavior” stemming from the publication of “The Grunion Sexually Frustrated Male Issue” featuring three partially naked men on the back page. The editors of The Union filed suit against the Senate, and were able to resume printing a month later, claiming to be “New and Improved.” It barely qualified as either. Little did students know how much things would change in the Spring of 1989. With an entirely new staff of editors at the helm of The Union, The Anti-Union finally got its wish, and the paper was taken back to its roots – radical as hell. Budgets and The Union never got along, and for one glorious issue, The Union weighed nearly a pound. 88 pages of Grateful Dead tributes and tales of dropping acid at McDonalds cost quite a pretty penny, and The Union was nearly bankrupted. The editors and writers responsible for the issue skipped town, never to face the consequences.

Bandits!

Bandits Stole Our Papers! Because some people believe that the best way to change the world is to hide it, there have been multiple occasions of organizations and rogue students stealing papers from the Union Weekly stands. In 2000, 5k issues were taken and the police refused to take action (I guess they were busy). Then, in 2002 a campus fraternity stole 6k issues after The Union published their secret handshake. This resulted in the creation of the official Union handshake, a group high-five. Most recently, in 2005 one of the A.S. Presidential candidates was found guilty of stealing 6k issues. This resulted in legal action, amended laws of how many free papers one person is entitled to, and a sweet sense of satisfaction.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

n what passed for a music issue of Dig this month, a rather lazy ‘survival guide’ was printed for this year’s Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival. If you missed it, don’t worry: Coachella’s website has a much more informative FAQ that is available year-round (coachella.com/event/rules-faq). Of course, some readers may find that their $300+ investment ought to return more than simply surviving a weekend in the desert, and so I’ve decided to take a break from my sinecurean duties as editor and bless you all with the wisdom I’ve gleaned from my long history at Coachella in the form of ten Coachella commandments. So sayeth I:

#1: Thou shalt not attempt to look hip.

to go to the Neighborhoodies booth and create a shirt that will forever remind you of the logic-impairing power of Long Island Iced Teas.

#4: Thou shalt only drink Long Island Iced Teas.

Sure, they may cause you to get “I Make People Famous” emblazoned on a shirt that doesn’t fit very well, spend 30 bucks on a hat that doesn’t fit you, and hit on women of questionable character that are twice your age, but look at the value! All drinks cost $9, no matter their content, and a Long Island is the paragon of get-you-there-quick drinks.

#5: Thou shalt not attach yourself to any person or group of people.

The desert is a filthy place and it’s silly to try to impress people there. Hair gel and black clothes may score you cred at the goth clubs, but it’ll ruin your day at Coachella. And as hot as your makeup may look, it’s no match for the desert heat, and no T-shirt has ever been made more stylish by a smear of sweat-and-foundation solution. You may enjoy the compliments you get on your $250 swan dress tribute to Bjork in the line to get in, but it’ll look like a tribute to masochism by the time she hits the stage.

This should be printed on the tickets. Consider this the golden rule of Coachella. Do NOT plan to spend all your time with someone or some group. You cannot have fun if you’re seeing someone else’s favorite bands (unless they’re MY favorite bands). Skipping Ozomatli because your boyfriend just HAS to see the Chili Peppers does not make you supportive, it makes you an idiot who’s going to have a crappy time. If you’re dating someone who honestly would rather see RHCP than Ozomatli, you should be dumping them anyway.

A diet consisting entirely of $4 roast-beef sandwiches with catsup may not fly in the city, but it’s like desert manna at Coachella. Your best plan is to think of your trips to the food court as a pit stop, where speed and simplicity are prized more than food quality or preference. Nobody ever comes back thinking “If only I’d spent more time eating.”

This one I can be somewhat flexible on, but remember this: the only people who hang out all day in the dance-oriented Sahara tent are troglodytic stalkers and women who don’t mind their presence. If you see a man wearing mardi gras beads and dancing only from the waist up, it’s time to move on.

Sure, it seems like a great idea at the time, but large amounts of alcohol will most likely just cause you to be “that guy” at the Black Keys show. Or, if you’re me, it’ll cause you

As Andy Dick can tell you, the Indio Police are sticklers about people enhancing their Coachella experience with cre-

#2: Thou shalt eat the cheapest food you can find.

#3: Thou shalt not get really drunk.

#6: Thou shalt not spend all day in the Sahara tent.

#7: Thou shalt not sell, share, trade or otherwise distribute drugs.

ative body chemistry. So although I’d never suggest that you completely avoid this pursuit (like anyone would listen), you should be as discreet and unsociable as possible about it. And if someone comes up and asks if you have any drugs of any kind, tell them something like “Sorry man, Can’t help you.” The only people who randomly ask people for drugs are moochers and narcs, and you don’t want to deal with either.

#8: Thou shalt camp at Lake Cahuilla.

Congratulations, you’ve just been let in on Coachella’s best-kept secret. I’ve camped there twice and it’s always been great. It’s cheaper than on-site camping and they don’t confiscate your booze. Most people are there for Coachella and the people who aren’t are on vacation, and the lake and nearby mountain provide excellent places to drunkenly urinate and climb, respectively. It’s close to the festival grounds and is guaranteed to wake you up in time for the festival with the morning heatwave of intense sun on a vast plain of asphalt.

#9: Thou shalt not complain to your friends.

Coachella is rough; let there be no doubt. But when you and 4 of your pals load up in your 3-seater Datsun pickup, you’re swearing a covenant to deal with all of that pain and hardship in the selfless pursuit of kick-ass tunes. Everyone’s hot, everyone’s tired, and everyone’s feet are bleeding, so don’t announce when you’re feeling uncomfortable. Otherwise, that Datsun might be a little roomier on the trip back.

#10: Thou shalt fear and respect the sun.

If your sunscreen is under SPF-900, it will fail you. If you’ve never ever gotten a sunburn in your life, you will get one at Coachella. Always stay mindful of your exposure to the sun and at around 6pm when the sun goes down you can strip down to almost nothing and rejoice in freedom. It’s a beautiful feeling. -By Matt Dupree

The world’s greatest festival returns this weekend.

HORSE RACING

$1 HOT DOGS & BEERS

APRIL 27 MAY 4 ★

THE NIGHT TIME COMES ALIVE.

MAY 11 MAY 18 MAY 25 JUNE 1 JUNE 8 JUNE 15 JUNE 22 JUNE 29 JULY 6 JULY 13

The Romantics No Concert – Day Racing for Kentucky Oaks Super Diamond Dramarama A Flock of Seagulls with When in Rome Common Sense Steel Pulse Led Zepagain The Samples TBD Big Head Todd and the Monsters The Smithereens

FA N TA S T I C C O N C E RT S AT H O L LY W O O D PA R K POST TIMES: Wed., Thurs., Sat., Sun. — 12:30 p.m.; Friday Nights — 7:05 p.m. 1050 S. Prairie Avenue, Inglewood, CA • (310) 419-1549 • www.hollywoodpark.com

Concert begins immediately following the races. ★ $1 beer served from 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.

4.23-LBUnion-RomanticsAd.indd 1

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

234/19/07 April 2007 2:06:24 PM

Rant An Oral Biography of Buster Casey By Chuck �� Palahniuk �� To Be Released May 1st Doubleday 336 Pages $24.95

Reviewed By Matt Dupree

s a disclaimer, I’ve only read Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey once. And with all Palahniuk works, the most savory of subtleties only make themselves known on a second or third reading. As it is, I’m still trying to figure out how to describe it, so bear with me if this feels a little cautious. The first thing you’ll have to understand is the format of Rant. It’s an oral biography, and as such is made up entirely of quotes from different characters. As such, it is always colored by the opinions and perspectives of its narrators, who don’t always agree on what happened. For example, the title character’s favorite saying is said to be “the future you have tomorrow won’t be the same future you had yesterday,” by one source, and, by another, “Some people are just born Human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there.” Some people are inclined to believe the worst of Buster (a.k.a. Rant, a.ka. Buddy), and others unchangeably view him favorably. The format, in function, seriously quickens the pace of the story. Jumping between sources allows Palahniuk to keep two arcs going almost simultaneously without lengthy transitions. The world of Rant is a semi-dystopian alternate reality which begins at the death of Buster Casey and then completely disregards any sort of organized timeline. I suppose it all comes down to a bad case of Rabies. The Rant serotype of Rabies has

This Week...

The Union

Volume 1 Issue1

The Begining of the End

23 April 2007

exploded into a worldwide epidemic that has caused a global panic that makes SARS look like a brief flu season. America’s urban centers have split their societies into daytime and nighttime sects to reduce the impact of overpopulation. Party Crashing, a nightly pastime of the young, has turned the streets into a cloak-and-dagger demolition derby. And into this strange frontier enters Rant Casey, our hero from the small town of Middleton. Middleton is an equally frightening place to live, as packs of pet dogs contract a seasonal bloodlust and roam the streets preying on their owners. Rant spends his days animalfishing, reaching deep down into animal holes and letting whatever lives inside bite the hell out of his arm. He leads a school rebellion of boys who demand to be allowed to leave class to relieve uncomfortable erections, only to abandon his uprising for an early diploma and a hefty settlement check from the school. When a Sex Tornado (a storm of condoms and tampons which flutter out from toppled trashbins) litters his neighbors’ fences, Rant is happy to clean the mess up while identifying each piece of debris to its user by smell. During his childhood he finds a wealth of expensive coins and hands them out to the other children as a self-made Tooth Fairy. To put it mildly, he has a rather eventful time. I consider myself a fervent devotee of

“Chuckie P.”, and I’m prepared to say that this is my favorite novel of his. It has everything I’ve come to expect from Palahniuk: Fucked-up characters, a perverse fascination with the human condition, and a strong dose of non-fiction regarding subjects that you’d never think to research. Maybe not all of his “facts” about epidemiology, archaeology, and salesmanship are true, but damned if they’re not convincing. And as with all Chuck books, the blurred line between fiction and reality is a big part of the magic. So maybe you can’t kill someone by grinding up mouse shit and putting it in their dusting powder, but it makes a good story. If you should summon enough courage to read this book in its entirety (there were times when even my eternal fanboy resolve was shaken), prepare to have your head fucked with. A lot. When the first “Oh Shit” plot moment came, I was blown away by how much of the book I had yet to read. Rant breaks the unspoken rule that big plot revelations, the kind which completely change everything you’ve read so far, have to occur at the end. It also shatters the idea that these earth-shaking eye-openers will actually resolve any sort of conflict. So pick up a copy, strap yourself into a chair, and prepare for some exhilarating mind-fuckery.

o, it’s been a good 4 or five years since I’ve written an illLiterature review, but now I’m out of rehab and back in action! To celebrate my triumphant return to the world of words I have decided to review the very first union EVER! And by decided, I mean that Mike (lit-editor AKA ‘The Word Baron’) told me to, and I said no I gave up reading, and he said here are some tasty chili-cheese fries from the sausage kingdom, and I said sweet, and he said but you can only have them if you write an illLiterature review on the first union, and I said tipedy type type typers (I didn’t actually say that, that’s me making the sound like I’m typing because I started typing) and that pretty much brings us up to now…. Or now… NOW! So… I know that the first Union is super old, it was printed on April 22, 1977 (that’s what the cover says) which is like…. 47 years ago or something like that… but what I don’t get is why they decided to print it on this super crispy… yellowish crappy paper?! I mean… I know they didn’t have computers and TV and polar bears and stuff back then… but paper technology was obliviously lacking… Also, they say dammit on the cover, which is super rad! DAMMIT! Hahahahahahahah. Lol. OH yeah… so … the issue.. it’s got a big picture on the front of what looks like a mechazord or something like that… mike called it an oil refinery… but I’m pretty sure it’s a mechazord, it’s steaming out the top because it is obviously angry at the people biking around it in shorts that are too short. So, the picture of the mechazord is pretty rad, but this whole thing really takes a turn for the downhill after that... it’s like… all words, I didn’t even know that they had invented all of these words in 1977. I actually got kind of

pissed off and ripped up the wordpage and then realized that this is like… a historic document or something and I felt bad, but then I got happy because there is a picture of a banana exposing his-self to some other fruits… like… apples and crap… I don’t like fruits that aren’t made of meat… but that’s not the point… IT’S A BANANA!!! Hahaha. BANANAPANTS! But then there’s more words again…………………..oh, sorry about that… I got bored and ate some chili cheese fries… which were great! Have you ever had chili-cheese fries from Mr. Maroney’s sausagetown? So good! I’ve got to get the recipe and make them for my friends! Haha! Friendship is fun! Ooooh the man in this picture has a moustache like Tom Selleck! And Sweet glasses, he looks like he could be on That 70’s Show!! I WONDER IF HE IS ON THAT 70’S SHOW?! That would be rad. The girl that plays Jackie is super hot! Seriously though, even if her mouth were made out of razor-blades I’d still want to make out with her... hard. Rock hard! She is so hot I feel uncomfortable when I watch her on TV and my mom is in the room. I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH HER IF MY MOM WAS IN THE ROOM... That’s how hot she is... Oh… anyway, the Union… it was pretty good, all Sellecks considered, but mainly because of chili-cheese fries… Chili-cheese fries make reading fun! I really hope that we have more copies of this historic first issue though... because this one is missing 2 pages, and covered in some of the tastiest chillicheese fries ever to grace the inside of my fist. Oh... we don’t have any more copies of it? That’s a big bummer... good thing i have chronicled its greatness in this review!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

The history of the Union Weekly’s Literature page is as much a history of what isn’t there as it is a history of what is. It’s also a history that is very personal to me, as Lit page is where I first carved out a niche for myself in the dank office that I’ve called home since the fall of 2003. I first came into the office as a response to an ad pleading for someone to come review books. I’d been reading The Union since high school, so I jumped at the chance to contribute to this paper in a meaningful way (and one I had plenty of experience in, having read more books than can be considered humanly possible). Plus, they were offering free books, so how could I resist? I’d been reading The Union long enough to know how badly they did need reviewers, too. This was four years ago: The Union was small, and not great, and Lit page was being cut every other week to make room for more “important” sections. Like advertisements. Over the next year and a half, I wrote a book review every week, and tried, unsuccessfully, to convince other people to join me. When I took over the page, in the fall of 2006, I pleaded with my friends for content. I bugged them, guilt tripped them, and generally made such a fuss that Lit finally rose to prominence, getting more space, and the content to fill it week in and week out. I expanded “Literature” to mean anything with words on it; in the last two years, I’ve run book reviews, reviews of poems, reviews of plays, author spotlights, and even (thanks to the efforts of Jeff Gould, unsung hero of Lit page) cereal boxes. Of course, Lit page wasn’t all down in the dumps; throughout the paper’s history, Lit page has been a leading example in how one person can make a difference at The Union. For example, I still get catalogs addressed to former Union editor and Lit P.R. maven Alex Telander. For a number of years, the Literature page didn’t feature any book reviews, but instead focused on creative content, in the form of original poems and stories. That content has since gone on to become The Union’s prestigious Creative Arts page, but for the last two years I’ve tried to acknowledge Lit’s wild side by running a semesterly short story contest on Lit page. Having pored through more two-decades old collegiate poetry this past week than I ever expected to set eyes on in my entire life, I can honestly say that the majority of it is actually pretty good, certainly on par with RipRap and many other Southern California literary journals. I spent some time poring over our archives, and couldn’t find any huge coups on the Lit page; Music once interviewed Paul McCartney, News has broken huge stories, and Sports has helped changed the face of this campus in the last year. But, with the exception of an enormous interview with Dan Savage, the field is still wide open for huge interviews and features. Which is just one more reason for you to be in here; the 30-year history of this newspaper is still wide open for you to make an impact on Lit page. In the next year, look for Lit to expand even more, as I’m leaving it in the more than capable hands of Philip Vargas. It’s a good time to be reading, and an even better time to be writing about reading in the hallowed pages of The Union.

Here Come The Fuzz

Review of Hot Fuzz By James Stebik

he cop movie, once a staple of American cinema, seems to have fallen by the wayside. Every year less action-packed police thrillers are being made, and of those, very few of them are anything but tired and clichéd. Leave it to the creative team that brought us Shaun of the Dead to breathe new life into the hackneyed genre. Hot Fuzz, opening April 20, is director Edgar Wright’s newest comedy. Wright directed and co-wrote 2004’s Shaun of the Dead, the zombie romantic comedy (or Zom-Rom-Com). Shaun star and co-writer Simon Pegg is back as the star and co-writer of Wright’s attempt at making the cop movie compelling again. Police constable Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is England’s best police officer. Due to the fact that his shining record is making everyone else look bad, he is transferred to a quiet town in the countryside. When he arrives to Sandford, England’s safest village, he is partnered with the police chief ’s son Danny Butterman (Nick Frost, also from Shaun). When a series of fatal accidents start occurring around Sandford the other officers dismiss Angel’s suspicions of foul play. Much in the way that Shaun of the Dead managed to be both a great zombie movie and roman-

tic comedy, Hot Fuzz delivers on all levels. The comedy is sharp and funny while the action is intense and explosive. Director Wright and actors Pegg and Frost may be the most versatile and underrated team making movies today. Pegg and Frost absolutely shine onscreen. After seeing them play best friends in Shaun of the Dead it was great seem them play forced partners in Hot Fuzz. Pegg’s character is a no-nonsense supercop who begrudgingly tries to teach his inept partner how to be a better law enforcer. Frost’s character, on the other hand, is an overeager dolt who idolizes American cop movies and longs for the kind of action that his partner had to give up to come to Sandford. A very different relationship from what we saw in Shaun, though no less believable or entertaining. The first two acts of Hot Fuzz are what you might come to expect in such a film. There is lots of character development and plot escalation, all with constant British wit and humor. Like Reno 911!, there is a lot of comedy based on dealing with the most mundane of crimes. Everything from missing swans to Sandford’s most hated street performer, the “Living Statue.” Hot Fuzz uses a lot of subtlety in its humor, along with recurring gags that show up throughout the film. The movie also drops a lot of hilarious references ranging from Chinatown to He-Man. The third and final act of Hot Fuzz kicks everything into high gear. The climax of the film also features one of the best and most elaborate gun fights you will ever see in a movie. If nothing else, Hot Fuzz is the best cop movie to come out in years. You would be hard pressed to find a more enjoyable movie than Hot Fuzz. Can’t decide between seeing a hilarious comedy or a hard-hitting action movie? You can see both by going to see Hot Fuzz.

You know that feeling you get when it seems like you’ve done something before, you know déjà vu? Some people say that it means your life is at a turning point, or that sprits are trying to guide you, or that there has been a change in the Matrix. Well you won’t get that feeling watching these awesome videos, each freshly manufactured for your enjoyment. In Learn to Speak Body: Tape 5 (search YouTube for “Body Language”) you are taught how to understand non verbal communication. First it reviews so phrases such as “I am relaxed as though lying in bed” and “My genitals are unavailable.” As it moves on you Search YouTube for “Body Language” learn compound phrases like “I dunno” and “Oh my God.” It also includes a helpful (and hilarious) sample conversation. The highlights of the video include a pitch perfect narrator that seems pulled straight from any other learning a language video, the cheesy office style costumes (one complete with excessive underarm sweat) and perfect dead pan delivery. So get educated already. This Dinosaur Is Dumb (search Google for “This Dinosaur is Dumb”) explores our collective youth. It was a time of loving dinosaurs and awesome temporary tattoos. But, alas, not all temporary tattoos were awesome; some unfortunately were of dinosaurs that could only be described as, dumb. In this video you get to see how dumb this dinosaur can be as he rolls around in an elevator, plays tennis in full hockey attire and gets a perfect in DDR. I’d definitely ask you to watch this a couple of time to make sure you don’t miss all the little details that show just how dumb this dinosaur is. Lastly little Jimmy Dinh sent me this funky video called “Humans!” (Search YouTube for “Three Legged Legs - Humans”) While the message is a little trite (hey guess what, we are killing the Earth and ruining life for all the other cute little Search YouTube for “Three Legged Legs - Humans” animals! Big deal). But the art looks really cool, like a mix of Sam Brown and South Park, or something. Overall it reminds me of the short animation from An Inconvenient Truth, which is probably the highlight of the movie, other than Mr. Studly Al Gore. Well time to shove off for the open seas. Join me next time when I discuss gardening at CSULB. And keep mailing your videos to Dylan@ lbunion.com.

Photos Courtesy of Rogue Pictures

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

–By Dylan Little

23 April 2007

Planet Earth – So Real You Can Almost Touch It Review of Planet Earth

The Best Moments on Earth

By Mike Guardabascio

’m a die-hard football fan; football in Hi-Def didn’t make me want to buy an HDTV. No crystal clear sitcom, news broadcast, or concert has ever made me want an HDTV before. Planet Earth is the first thing on television to make me feel like it would be a good idea to drop five grand on a television (I still can’t afford to, of course, but still…). There’s really no excuse not to have caught this show – by now, most of the country has cable, and it was aired from 8-10 PM on Sundays, so it’s not like you were doing something else. Planet Earth is a nature documentary that set out to create, in eleven hours, a snapshot of life on our planet, before global warming or tree-clearing or poaching changes it any further. It was produced by the BBC, who sunk an astonishing $25 million into filming it over the course of a half a decade. All of that footage was pared down to 10 onehour documentaries (plus one preview show), each of which focuses on a different region of life on Earth, including forests,

It’s a fish out of water story.

An episode by episode breakdown of what are simply the best moments in the BBC-produced documentary Planet Earth. Mountains: Footage of pumas in their natural habitat of the Andes is almost non-existent. Not only did Planet Earth somehow find and follow an entire pack of these elusive cats, but they also got some of the first shots ever of a mother puma attacking at night. Situated on cliffs that drop thousands of feet on both sides, this puma runs at full speed and catches its prey right before an enormous drop.

caves, deserts, and oceans. I’ve tried to write this article three times now, but every time I do, I keep coming up with a draft that just says “This is indescribable” over and over again. Obviously, amazing video speaks louder than these paltry words; for a taste of what your looking-balls are missing, see Ryan Kobane’s “Best Moments” box on this page. What I can describe to you is the worth of a program like Planet Earth. Very little of the show is overtly political or agendistic; as a result, it’s not off-putting for people who are insensitive to environmental concerns. Instead, it creates an overwhelmingly beautiful picture of our world as it is, and by the end leaves every viewer wanting to do whatever possible to preserve what wonders we still have left. The dedication of the cameramen and women on this project guaranteed that Planet Earth would surpass all other documentaries. Some shots required that the people running the cameras stay at the South Pole for an entire year to film time lapse shots of male penguins protecting their eggs in the winter. The series aired its last episodes last Sunday, but as of this Tuesday it will be available for purchase or rental on DVD. If you missed the whole series, or even an episode, do yourself a favor and track down a copy. You’ll appreciate your life, and its place on this planet, infinitely more if you do.

30 Years of Movie Reviews: From Star Wars to Hot Fuzz The Union has a history of providing students with alternative material. Pages of reviews on new music, new technology, new books, new news, and most importantly, new movies. How else could people formulate their own opinions on films unless they first read the opinions of others? It’s a service that only a select few can pull off. Flipping through the archives of all 30 years of The Union has left me with one thought: Dale Winogura is a son of bitch. Winogura was a writer for The Union in the early ‘80s and he is the epitomy of the elitist asshole movie critic. Coming off as a pissed off movie nerd in every article, he is the kind of writer who has read a few books and seen his fair share of movies and is going to make damn sure that you know it. Just to give you a taste of the genius that is Dale Winogura (I can’t stop saying his name), in one classic review Winogura wrote, “Star Wars move over. Flash Gordon has arrived to save us from boring predictable plots, cardboard characters, and colorless effects that inhabit Gary Kurtz’s bloodless productions, especially overrated trash like The Empire Strikes Back.” What?! I have to admire this man for having the brass to say that Flash Gordon, a movie starring a space traveling NFL all-star wearing a T-shirt with his own name on it, is better than fucking Star Wars. I’m no self-proclaimed Jedi, but I do have a beard and I do know a good movie when I see one. Empire has everything anyone could want in a film, movie nerd or not. Our man Dale then goes on to break down his reasoning behind why Flash Gordon brings him so much delight. To be honest, I can see why he’d like it, it’s an over the top space adventure with stylish retro space-

ships and costume designs that were taken directly from the original Flash serials. The very same serials that inspired George Lucas to write Star Wars in the first place. Best of all, the movie knows it’s ridiculous and goes along with it, even going so far as to have a rockin’ original score by Queen. However, any and all credibility that Winogura wins back in the article is completely lost when he ends the fourth paragraph with the word “Zowie!” Unfortunately for The Union, Dale Winogura isn’t the only writer like this to be printed in the newspaper. Our content is made up of what the students send us, and as such, we’ve received our fair share of movie reviews from all types of cinephiles. And the one thing I’ve noticed when it comes to the reviews published over the years is that people seem to love holding movies like Animal House to the same set of standards as The Elephant Man. In 1978, Debra Whittaker hated Animal House, having the audacity to say that John Belushi was its only saving grace. I completely disagree on every level with her argument, and even the idea of someone not laughing through the entirety of Animal House is appalling, but that’s the beauty of The Union. We’ll print anyone’s opinion, shitty or not. Because of this, our past has had its Dales and Debras, but its also had it’s Dave Lowerys. Dave was the resident illustrator in the early days, and even though he didn’t write much, he did draw one kickass Bluto. Pretty awesome. Right?

Illustration by Dave Lowery

23 April 2007

Freshwater: With water that falls uninterrupted for over three thousand feet, Angel Falls is the highest waterfall in the world. To show the enormity of this amazing place PE gives you a first hand view of going over the falls; from the safety of a helicopter of course. Due to winds, clouds, and almost omnipresent bad weather, Angel Falls is a highly difficult subject to document, but after four separate attempts PE was able to capture the falls in all of its rainbow entrenched glory. Caves: In my opinion the caves portion of PE has by far the best intro. Crazy base-jumping men diving directly into the 1,500-foot deep Cave of Swallows in Mexico would have been great enough, but it gets better. At the bottom of one of the caves there is a hundred meter tall pile of wrinkled lipped bat guano. This is by far the biggest pile of shit you will ever see, and to make it even cooler, it’s completely covered in cave crabs and cockroaches. Deserts: If you only had one shot at mating for the rest of your life, and the only thing standing in your way was a couple hundred pound Nubian Ibac with horns each the size of small cars you would probably run right? Well this is what every young Nubian Ibac has to go through if they ever want to mate. You lose the battle of the horns and the chicks don’t dig it I guess. Anyways, the hour-long battles PE captured are mind-blowing epics of head cracking absurdity. Ice Worlds: Many of the sections of PE revolve around following one subject or animal through an entire season or migration; this one follows a polar bear and its cubs. Whether it is the images of the polar bear trying to kill a walrus, or the heartbreaking aerial images of it swimming hopelessly out to sea in search of food for its cubs, they are images that will stay with you forever. This portion will also force you to deal with the changing climates of our poles; it is a harsh realization. Jungles: The New Guinea birds of paradise are some of the oddest and yet most enchantingly beautiful animals you will ever lay eyes on. The six-pronged bird of paradise looks like a normal bird at fist glance, and then it opens its face up to make it look like it’s wearing a super wide black mask with hyper blue eyes and grinning mouth; this bird is insane. Shallow Seas: Banded sea crates are some of the most deadly snakes on the planet, so PE decided to get into the water with hundreds of them and watch how they feed. Filmed amongst the reefs in the pristine waters of Indonesia we are shown a symbiotic relationship never before seen, that of a sea crate and yellow goatfish working together to feed on tropical fish. This scene is all at once scary and amazing, and then you remember that someone had to be down there filming this… Great Plains: A pride of forty lions taking down a full-grown African Elephant at night, filmed using nightvision, and they don’t miss one second of it; yeah I know. For me this is the single greatest thing I have ever seen on TV, it is the ultimate example of desperate times calling for desperate measures. These lions were on their last few weeks before starving, and this elephant fed the entire pride for over a week. Seasonal Forests: While there were hundreds of things I could have chosen for this section of PE the one thing that stood out to me was a shot from space. A time-laps shot was taken to show the changing colors of the trees in fall. There is such a difference in color for the entire continent that you can easily see a slow progression from green to orange. THIS IS FROM SPACE! Deep Oceans: Sailfish look very similar to swordfish in that they each have a long, sharp, sword at the end of their nose. Watching fifty of these fish gather up baitfish into one small group, and then watching them change from black to striped to blue to communicate their intentions to other sailfish is pretty rad. They miss stabbing each other hundreds of times by only inches, but never allow one baitfish to get away.

–By Mike Pallotta

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

–By Ryan Kobane

[Creative Arts]

Creation

The Librarians By Philip Vargas

Religious Addiction By Kathy Miranda

Illustrations by Union Alumnus David Lowery

By Philip Vargas

Wand e r i n g through cavernous volumes, the musty smell of endless knowledge wafted through the air. As Drew searches for the book of his desire, he notices that he has never seen this part of the library before. Lost in the labyrinth of dim lights, he desperately searches for anyone who might spare him aid in his search. Turning the corner, a green iridescent light draws his attention to a desk that sits barren but for one thing: a placard that reads librarian. “Can someone help me?“ Drew pleads to the empty stacks. “What can I get for you?” a booming voice answers from the shadows. As he turns around, he stands face to face with a gigantic pair of ruby red lips standing atop a pair of stumpy little legs.

“Yeah, I need to find a book.” Handing the lips the torn piece of paper with a scribbled title and number, he looks on as a pair of sausage fingers run over the paper. “Oh, Pearl can help you find this, she knows where everything is in this place,” the plump staunch lips tell Drew. That’s when he feels a sudden tap on his shoulder. Turning around he gazes into a single brilliant blue eye. “Pearl, this young man needs to find this book,” she said as she handed the paper to Pearl. After a quick glance Pearl was off with a flash. Before he could start after her, she returned with a book in hand that she presents to him. “Thanks,” Drew said as he snatched the book and slowly began to edge away from the bulging eye of Pearl and the luscious lips of Ruby. As soon as they were out of sight, he ran and didn’t stop until the sun’s warm embrace wrapped around him. Till this day he never goes near the library and has yet tell anyone but myself the entire story about what had happened that one strange day at the library.

Illustrations by Union Alumnus David Lowery

Illustrations by Union Alumni David Lowery & Stuart Rose

Pen in hand, I sit unaware of what is going on around me. There is nothing but the caress of my pen on paper. Out of nothingness a world is created. Fresh from creation, the world was still wet with its sticky black blood. With the last stroke, my hand is frozen in place. I try to pull away but can’t. Weary muscles lie limp; all their energy is expelled. Broken and beaten, I give in to the pull I feel at the end of the pulsating pen. The color begins to leave my body, bleeding into the page below. The picture comes to life before my eyes. I hear the reel cranking up and before I lose my sight am blinded by the light. Consumed by my own world, I lie here now in my prison of ink and wait for when our worlds reverse once more.

By Philip Vargas

Illustrations by Union Alumnus David Lowery Betty had had enough of George. Ever since he had come across her path he had been the bane of her existence. Wherever she went he wasn’t far behind. It became evident that something had to be done about George. So it was that on a fine October day, she took George out back for the last time. He wasn’t aware of anything strange as they talked about nothing in particular, while slowly edging closer and closer to the tree. Betty kissed George one last time before she slammed him against the bark and raised the power drill that had been concealed behind her back. The drill sprang to life, drowning out George’s screams as metal and wood became one. Thick sap dripped down George’s torn green folds as the screw held him in place. Betty walked away from the ragged dollar bill as it lay screwed to its final resting place.

Flashbacks of my adolescence run through my head, days in the back of neighborhood parks and swing sets, soaking in the sunlight and dancing with the trees. We were hiding from the world but at least we felt alive—our bodies floating higher than the sky, seeing illusions of things we’ve never seen, sounds we’ve never heard—hallucinating. I lit fire to this new found addiction, gave my soul to my habit, I craved it all the time—late night fixes, morning highs, noon-time sessions. My passion was much more than just hour-long thrills or delicate senses. It was more than lazy days lying on my bed, my mind rambling with thoughts of life and death, thoughts of Him, of rainbows, of peace, of love. It was more than just an interest. It was an addiction. Hip-hop, rock, jazz, funk, classic, reggae, punk, rhythm and blues—these were my drugs, my herbs, my uppers and downers—my fixes. I remember back in the days, running on the grass trying to find my way to electric ladyland. Back then, Jimi was my God. Those late nights closing my eyes and dreaming of Lucy in the sky, appreciating the hard day’s night—John, Paul, George and Ringo, they were my Gods. Fridays at the club, our bodies would sweat and touch, our delicate senses putting us in trances we’ve never felt, moving to rhythms and making love to the bass beats. The DJ and his records, they were my Gods. The unforgettable movements of my lover’s hands on the strings of an invention only the heavens could have created and the sounds that followed—the instruments were my Gods. The voices of heroes, of revolutionaries, of geniuses—the voices of musicians, they were my Gods. And the vibrations, the sounds, the noise, the beats, the rhythms, the movements, the music. The music was my religion.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

23 April 2007

[Comics]

Crayon Box By David Faulk

Koo-koo and Luke By Jessie Blake

Life n Times By Lewis Grey

Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman

Disgruntled Editor By MB3

Across 1- Enticement 5- Streetcar 9- Prescribed amounts 14- Gaelic language of Ireland or Scotland 15- Illustrious warrior 16- Capital of Ghana 17- Hire

18- Singles 19- Bundle of cereal plants 20- Nevertheless 22- Rigid 23- Church seat 24- To bargain 25- New Zealand aboriginal 29- Twisted expression? 32- The rank of an abbot

34- Earth wolf 39- Type of machine found in Las Vegas 40- To the left, at sea 42- Bones found in the hip 43- Message sent by telegraph 45- Shout 47- Improvise

49- Lend for money 50- Enrages 54- ___-Wan Kenobi was a character in “Star Wars” 56- Middle East rug 57- Study of hearing disorders 63- Elude 64- Faucet problem 65- Name of Isaac’s eldest son in the Bible 66- Burdened 67- Fresh-water fish 68- 12th month of the Jewish religious calendar 69- Wide-awake 70- Dog-powered snow vehicle 71- Annoyed Down 1- Capital of Switzerland 2- Geographical expanse 3- “___ She Lovely?” 4- 9th letter of the Hebrew alphabet 5- Fulcrum for an oar 6- Continues a subscription 7- Son of Zeus in Greek mythology 8- Rock clinging plant 9- Sneaking coward 10- Red earth pigment

11- Smell 12- Rub out or remove from memory 13- More secure 21- Heroic 24- Shelflike sleeping space 25- Pole 26- Competent 27- Ancient Greek coin 28- Charge per unit 30- Mother-in-law of Ruth 31- Organ of hearing 33- Fenced areas 35- Trickery 36- Earthen pot 37- Falsehoods 38- Payment for travel 41- Close friend 44- Article of clothing 46- Potpourri 48- Part of a woman’s dress 50- Pack leader 51- Growing in snow 52- Open space in a forest 53- Bird that gets you down 55- Two-footer 57- Increases 58- Russian range 59- Dreg 60- Capital of Norway 61- Massive wild ox 62- Christmas

Medium

Hard

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

23 April 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

How to Play Sudoku

Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Medium

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hard

23 April 2007

reamble before the ramble:

This history is the real history, moreso than any and all other histories, which may or may not be revisionist in nature. Be assured that everything contained herein is factually for reals. Furreal. Bet your life on it. We already did. Historically, the history of The Grunion begins in the beginning of its own history. Following our chronological chronology will fill you in on all the history and filler you can shake a red pen at. The Grunion has seen the best of times, and the worst of times, and the majority of times in between. We wouldn’t change any of those various times, or types of times for anything. Because we’ve seen Time Cop, and we know how fucked up things can get when you tinker with the timestream (look what it did to Jean Claude’s career). But if observing, as opposed to twiddling about, is your cup of tea, this feature’s for you! So strap your Timex onto your wrist receptacle, and come along as five of The Grunion’s most senior contributors show you the time of your lifetime. It’s about time, wouldn’t you say? We would. About time, that is. Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. Please note: This issue is printed on recycled prehistoric butterfly wings, recently recovered from the XarXa crater on the Yucatan Penninsula. Because we were there. When the meteor hit the crater. And the dinosaurs died. Truly, it was the time of times, friends.

By Avocado Bean Dip, The Cap’n of SerousTown, Fancy Lash, Father McKenzie, and The Nothing GRUNION HISTORIES

The soaring 19-Aughts

In nineteen-aught five, vaudevillian comedian Steve “J” Martin founded a broadside publication entitled The Grunione. By nineteenaught seven, the paper was serving as a front for a mescaline-selling operation, also called The Grunione. Both were known for their hallucinogenic and anarchistic properties, and both were shut down for the first time in nineteen-aught nine, referred to by modern Grunioneers as “The Great Depression.” With the advent of “talky” motion pictures, Martin left to pursue a film career, handing off The Grunion, bereft of its superfluous e, to Mark “J” Twain, who would take the publication to heretofore unknown heights.

The dozy 1910s

Mark Twain led The Grunion to thentofore unknown heights in the 10s, before assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and starting World War One, also known as “a pretty great war.” The Grunion, after singlehandedly winning said war, went on to found the first web site on the “internet,” a full seventy years before the internet was even invented. The tickity-tens also marks the first appearence of Grunion mainstay, Staff@hotmail.com. But then, then came the twenties.

The Roaring 1920s

The year is Ninteen-tickity-two and hot off the heels of the great denim debacle of ’21 President Harding is all wet thanks to Canada’s successful succession from the Union! Grunioneers never far behind a national tragedy, vowed to circle the globe in a zeppelin to protest our denim-clad ex-patriots to the north; living all the while on only corn beef and giggle water. Unfortunately,

Orange Space Shower Hello! was the sole survivor of an altercation between the Grunion-Zeppelin and the insidious forces of gravity.

The purring 1930s

The 30s marked a great time of productive wealth for The Grunion. After having abandoned the fascist, bourgeoisie lifestyle that dominated the 20s, a new leader (Marc Angels) was elected, thrusting the paper into a bold new era. Starvation, degradation and propaganda were all used to great effect during this period, resulting in a blind, sometimes-fearful love from our then three million readers. Reports from this period (conducted by The Grunion in an article entitled, “An Objective Look at the People’s Only News Source”) concluded that none of our readers were ever unhappy ever and that a double ration of chocolate was often issued. The sudden burst in suicide rates during this time also seem to confirm that our readers would have rather fallen into a mass grave with their hands and feet bound than miss a single, chortle-inducing issue.

The imploring 1940s

With the coming of the next World War (which, after careful deliberation amongst countless focus groups, narrowly avoided the name, “The Hershey Chocolate War-Time Power Hour”, as per the groups’ sponsor’s suggestion), The Grunion saw a number of changes seep into its offices. Firstly, foppishness was at an all-time low due to the sudden influx of cowardly Italians and Gypsy Wops onto our nation’s then pristine shores. Secondly, the lack of Jewish currency circulating throughout the country had caused a so-called “Great Depression” that had continued over from the previ-

(Above) The Grunione staff photo circa 1905. (Below) Current Grunion editor Fancy Lash propositions some shoulderblade kisses.

ous decade. The Grunion decided (after the surprise fire-bombing of its Alabaman offices) that the only solution to this economic stillbirth was the reintroduction of the Jewish dollar into the America economy. Thus, the paper faked a news story about Pearl Harbor, interned some Japs and invaded Germany, ushering in their second decent war in fewer than some number of years.

The perjorative 1950s

At this point The Grunion realized the err in its ways and took to teaching a Betty Crocker Treats, Meats, and Delicious Delights course at a local women’s club in Chattanooga, Tennessee. One day after a challenging lesson in soufflés (the ladies just weren’t focusing), The Grunion met a charming man, Don Willabee, who it married five months later. It wasn’t long before The Grunion was chasing around two rambunctious little Don’s, and spending its days starching the whites and waxing the floor. Unfortunately, in the fall of 1959, Mr. Willabee suffered a terrible spill and was gone by winter.

The rumbling 1960s

The whoring 1990s

The Grunion took the coming of the Age of Aquarius in stride by picking up and moving to San Francisco where it found residence on the corner of Haight and Ashbury, because of course, it was the 60s after all. The Grunion became extremely in tune with the world around it, and realizing the terrible blight the use of newsprint was on the environment, began printing on sheets of blotter acid. It was generally well received, except for one issue, which horrified readers when it induced visions of dragons and Kennedy assassinations.

Refusing to take the oppressive criticism of campus leaders, The Grunion borrowed a Tall Ship from the Massachusetts harbor and sailed off to satirize the world, specifically Australia. Whilst away they realized the terrific harmony of their voices could make them some side cash for travel expenses, and formed a small singing group “Boyz II Men,” originally called “Fresh Meat for Realz.” It wasn’t long before they realized they had something big, and soon invested all of their monies into their musical career and producing the hit film Cutthroat Island.

The grumbling 1970s

The boring 20-Aughts

The 1970s was a time of great unrest and upheaval for The Grunion. In 1974, Grunion reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein broke the “Watergate” scandal, which ended in Richard Nixon’s resignation from the post of U.S. President. 1977 also saw the addition of a supplemental section, called “The Union,” to the back of The Grunion. The Union featured arts and entertainment coverage, and was printed upside down until it was censored and suppressed by authorities in 1988.

The frumbling 1980s

While the 1980s were tumultuous years for The Union, The Grunion flourished as both a publication and the drugged out alt-electronic hair metal band, “Orange Space Shower Hello! and the Three Grunions.” OSSH!TG toured the world for the first time since the great zeppelin debacle of ’22 and while the tour received critical acclaim, Orange Space Shower Hello! would once again prove to be the only survivor.

Following a piece of misinformation regarding Y2K, The Grunion headed underground in fear of Skynet’s latest development (cybernetic organisms geared towards infiltration without detection) and their foretold destruction of the human race. A basement/bunker was built to withstand the coming nuclear apocalypse and the staff of The Grunion has been living there ever since. Armed with some really cute iMacs that come in a full spectrum of colors designed by moms, the latest incarnation of The Grunion constantly scour Craig Slist’s website in desperate search of news from the scorched world above. They survive on a stockpile of baked beans, edible underwear and an extensive library of VHS tapes, featuring old horror movies taped off of K-CAL 9 on muggy Sunday afternoons during the early 90s. Although they are blissfully unaware of the true problems facing society today, they’re all pretty decent guestimators, and use their awesome skills to provide the world with only the most hard hittingest news on the sphere.

VOLUME 60

TURN THE PAGE FOR REVISIONIST HISTORY

ISSUE 12

ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO FRY Editor’s Note: This week, to commemorate the 30th Anniversary of The Grunion, we’ve decided to delve into the family album so that we might share some of our fondest memories with you. We’ve edited pubic hair, blurred bleary eyes and protected the identities of those in need of protection. So enjoy. We really do love you, The Grunion does. Love,

Fancy Lash

30th Anniversary Special: The Grunion Family Album

Bukkake!! Former staffer enters the adult film industry with mixed results. Broken sperm and extraordinary swimmer, Kuato takes picture outside of local crime scene.

Office Mascot (from ‘83-’86),“Baby” died of SIDS months before this picture was taken.

“Two-Arms”Tim Ward is unfit to stand trial.

Lazy asshole, Rick Richardstein is too tired to not propel himself from place to place with his automatic weapon.

“My daughter told me she was 18,” said former editor, Saul Flobert.

Office only-child, Tad, attracting the wrong kind of attention again.

Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And, like that man that died on the cross, we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, three decades!