[Issue 60.14] Eighteen Hundred and Fifty Two Letter from the Editor
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attended the ASI Awards and Installation dinner this past weekend as a representative of the student media, and about halfway through the ceremony (this was following a round of Salsa dancers, a magician demonstrating the art of slight-of-hand to future politicians, and a seemingly never-ending stream of scholarships), I thought to myself: I wonder if the students of CSULB have any idea what goes on at events like these. Magicians don’t come cheap, after all. Then I wondered: Would they even care? In this year’s AS elections, 1,852 students turned out to vote for the AS Government positions. Think about that number for a second. 1,852. Now let me put that into perspective for you: 1,852 is roughly equal to the average attendance of the men’s basketball games this year; 1,852 is roughly one fourth of the average readership for any given issue of the Union Weekly (thank you for reading, by the way); 1,852 students is roughly 5 percent of the campus population. I know that it is en vogue to ignore politics now – it’s
sort of what our generation will be known for – but while it’s easy for everyone to bitch and moan about Bush, or how one more fee increase is going to force students to drop out and become homeless, I cannot believe ninetyfive percent of students have absolutely no problem paying for a student government system that they refuse to participate in. Especially when it’s something they pay for. It’s not as if the AS Senate are just a bunch of students sitting around a table working on their résumés, either. In theory, the AS Senate can be used as a powerful tools, and has the ability to enact significant change on this campus. Don’t get me wrong; I applaud the senators for attempting to represent a portion of the student body that honestly couldn’t care less about their existence. But we have a serious problem that needs to be addressed when there is such a big disconnect between the Senate and the students they’re elected to represent. And I don’t think it’s something that can be fixed with a song and dance and slight-of-hand.
–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
Letter to the Editor I was just writing to thank you guys for publishing an article [“Diversity Week Opens Eyes, Minds” 4/23] that was very well balanced, and depicted our campus community’s efforts in good light. As a queer Pilipino student, it is very hard to establish a voice for my own specific ethnic community, identity, and experience. Because the mainstream “gay community” is still, to this day, dominated by gay white men, many queer people of color are still silenced and marginalized. LGBT Diversity Week really gave us a chance to showcase not only the diverse queer student population here in the larger LA/OC area and at CSULB, but it raised awareness and educated the larger student body about the necessities of creating spaces for these issues. Many people believe that the “gay community” is one that is happy, full of pride. Many do not know that issues of racism, classism, sexism, among other forms of oppression still exist within the “happy and prideful” community. Diversity Week gave me a chance to speak out about my own unique experience – one that embodies the intersections of the Pinoy identity, and a queer identity. Even among the Pilipino student community here at CSULB, I still hear homophobic comments within our cultural org on campus – an organization that is meant to be inclusive of all Pilipino students. Many do not realize that simple words or phrases can offend and even create a sense of exclusion within the organization. There is still work to be done for these cultural orgs to create spaces, and in general, be more sensitive to the issues of/intersectionalities of gender, sexuality, and ethnic identity. Again, thank you for the recent media coverage about Diversity week, and I hope you continue to publish articles that explore the diverse issues occurring in our community. –Ben Cabangun HRC Peer Health Educator CSULB Health Resource Center By Alan Passman
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)
This is your time, use it wisely. In accordance with you being born while the cat is in the house of the Golgotha, it would seem as though you might want to repent for the sake of further lamentations on the part of loved ones.
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
You are the only kind of person worthy of being alive. This month you will get your shit hit to a ridiculous degree by multiple partners and all of your hopes, dreams and aspirations will all come to fruition in a Technicolor panoply of resplendent sexiness.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
This month especially, you live up to your name and be a blight and a pox on humanity. When you were born, a ruthless terrorist organization bent on ruling the world culled the tombs of the world’s most vicious warlords in order to create an unnaturally born leader. You will be constantly undermined by the bumbling person who used to have your position and will stop at nothing to see that you do not accomplish your goals even though success is on the horizon.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
Oh fuck, fuck… take a month off, tiger… I mean, lion… or just form Voltron already. Right now you are wondering what you are going to do with you life and the answer is nothing. You will only amount to the quantity of capital you amass in the next thirty years before you retire and spend the twilight years of your life as you waste away in a puddle of your own filth. You are an eroticized dynamo, but be careful about the amount of love you spread around because you might thin out to the point of repulsion. Then you’ll have to go to the doctor and your physician won’t be happy to see you because of the awkward conversation that follows after they pull all those foreign objects out of you.
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Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Scorpio! You’ll sting people with your dreams of power and wealth. Beware of yourself! Your twisted twin obsessions are your plot to rule the world and your employees’ health. You’ll welcome people into your lair, like the nobleman welcomes his guest. With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest! But beware of your generous pensions, plus three weeks paid vacation each year, and on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer! You love German beer!
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
You need to read up on your mythology and realize that you might have the torso of a man but you’re still a horse’s ass.
Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)
You might be orange, yellow, white, and a waxy favorite of people during the fall months but in the Spring, no one wants to put you in their mouth.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
Life might be much better if you started to knit a sweater and took your meds. Do you really want to have to go back to that office? I don’t think so, but who I am I to say, I mean truly?
Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Time Gypsy
Considering that one of the most famous of your kind is Kurt Cobain, I think you should think about the implications of that. Y’all are fucked up! Your sign is two fish giving each other mutual oral pleasure; you should apply this knowledge to your daily life on this day and the days beyond the impending one.
Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)
You recently aged some and you should use this time to reflect on the fact that you are most likely a hot tempered and sassy jerk. The people you love are sick of your shit and you should rectify that through the performance of ancient songs from the sea. Nothing cures an Aries’ problems like a shanty from Atlantis.
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Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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7 May 2007
News
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should
Ali Urges Palestinian Awareness
By Chris Barrett Union Staffer
By Vincent Girimonte
Y
Oxygen: Killing People Since...
Assistant News Director
our walk through upper campus has afforded you many religious dialogues these past several months, all invariably claiming to speak the absolute truth. Last Thursday, Amir Abdel Malik Ali, of Masjid Al’ Islam in Oakland, returned to CSULB’s friendship walk to deliver his thoughts on the truth, on “Holocaust in the Holy Land,” using his animated speech to make some of the foot traffic stop, think, and maybe take off those headphones. The Muslim Student Association (MSA) sponsored Ali’s visit as part of their Palestine Awareness Week. The week-long event, which included Muslim speakers and a film screening of Occupation 101, intended to correct the misconceptions that many carry towards Palestine, and also raise money for children across the globe. “The American people are probably the most misinformed when it comes to Palestine,” Ali said, pointing out that many countries, including those in South America (he dubbed Venezuela’s President Hugo Chaves an honorary Muslim) and Europe, are becoming more and more aware of Palestine’s struggle, which Ali believes to be one for freedom. “[Palestine] is fighting against occupation,” he said and did not hesitate to call Israel, a close ally of the U.S., the “apartheid nation” of the Middle East. As Ali’s remarks gradually elevated in volume and intensity, such as calling the 9/11
Campus Calen d a r
Week of May.7
Mon. Composers Guild Concert @ Daniel Recital Hall, 8 p.m. FREE
Tues. Multicultural Festival USU Southwest Terrace, 12:00 p.m. - 3:00 p.m.
Wed. NHL 03 Hockey Tournament @ Union Offices ALL DAY BABY
Sat. Lavender Graduation CSULB’s Central Plant 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
Photo By Ryan Kobane Amir Abdel Malik Ali spoke to CSULB students last Thursday during Palestinian Awareness Week.
tragedies a setup and the supposed starvation of Palestinians by Israel, specifically in the Gaza strip, a “new holocaust,” the initially small crowd steadily grew into a respectable audience. Even those students walking on their way to class stopped to listen in for a few moments, clearly taken aback by certain elements of his rhetoric that involved Uncle Sam and his “evil ways.” “He gets them thinking,” said Ahmed Billoo, president of the MSA at CSULB, of Ali’s audience. Adding to this, Billoo explained Ali is well loved by his Muslim community for his charisma on and off the speaking platform. Whether you want to or not, you will listen to Amir Abdel Malik Ali. “Muslims are not afraid to rise up against American imperialism,” continued Ali, which he believes will ultimately mean victory for countries in which
there is an “Islamist revival” in the works. Following Ali’s lengthy speech, the floor was opened up for students to ask questions. One student mentioned the reputation Islam has maintained in the United States for its subjugation of women, to which Ali boldly responded, “The U.S. has no position to speak on the subjugation of women.” He criticized the Western fascination with materials, and how it has translated into young females seeking sexual recognition through their lack of clothing and promiscuous lifestyle. In response to the Muslim woman’s attire, or their hijab: Ali pointed out that when people look at Muslim women, they think of spirituality, as opposed to the Western ideal of sex. “We are in our 60s,” Ali bellowed from his speaking platform, calling for his fellow Muslims to remain strong in what he believes are revolutionary times.
Long Beach Voted... Kinda, a Little By Mike Guardabascio Managing Editor Last Tuesday saw a special municipal election in the City of Long Beach, with the staggeringly low turnout of 10% of the city’s residents (judging from the large print ballots, the city clearly expected most of them to be retired). While that stat would normally have me bawling on the floor, this wasn’t exactly the…most interesting of elections. Eight propositions were on the ballot, each one part of a larger, Prop A-H plan designed to revamp Long Beach’s government and provide more money to its police and firepeople. Here’s a look at the propositions. By the way, everything the Press-Telegram wanted to happen, happened. Spooky. Prop A: Like spinach to Popeye, Proposition A (which passed) provides mayor Bob Foster with more power. Namely, it requires a 2/3 City Council vote to override a mayoral veto, allows Foster more veto power in the budget process, and allows the mayor to appoint or remove several Council positions. Prop B: This proposition, which was defeated, would have created brand new, shiny commissions! Namely, an Ethics Commission, an Independent Salary Commission, and a Redistricting Commission. Who doesn’t love more bloated city government? Apparently, 65% of voters, that’s who! Prop C: Prop C was the other proposition defeated; it would have extended term limits for the Mayoral and City Council offices. 69% of our citizens defeated this, proving that Long Beach has no love for its elected officials.
Prop D: The base purpose of Prop D, which passed, makes a lot of sense: it prevents candidates from running for two city offices at once. It also makes it easier for termed-out candidates to run as write-ins, as relevant and pressing an issue as abortion rights or the Iraq war. Prop E: Prop E, the “Parks in Perpetuity” prop, wins the award for best name. It prevents the city from fucking with our parks, unless they get a majority vote from the citizens. Since Long Beach has the number one Parks and Rec system in the country, I’m glad nearly 75% of voters passed this, proving that protecting our parks should be a Long Beach priority. Prop F: This proposition passed with 60% of the vote; it allows the city prosecutor to pass on civil service appeals to deputy prosecutors, allowing prosecutors to more efficiently handle criminal cases. Bad news if you’re a criminal, I guess. Prop G: Prop G just cleans up our charter, removing some obsolete passages without changing its meaning at all. Somehow, 30% of the populace still voted against it. Prop H: This is the biggest prop on the ballot: it raises the city’s oil production tax by 25 cents a barrel, with the $3.8 million in revenue going to our Police and Fire Departments. The proposition makes it impossible for oil companies to pass this tax on to consumers, and makes our production tax somewhere near reasonable (it’s been 15 cents a barrel, while Signal Hill has 60 cents a barrel). Maybe next election we can kick a bit to the schools? Probably not. This one passed with the two-thirds majority it needed, making badge-wearers city-wide very happy.
Researchers out of the University of Pennsylvania have made some surprising discoveries about the human body and how it dies. Previously it was assumed that when a person dies it is their cells that die due to oxygen deprivation. But when looking at oxygen-starved heart cells under a microscope Dr. Lance Becker was astonished to see that the cells stayed alive for over an hour. The results of their research show that when deprived of oxygen for more than a few minutes only our cells’ mitochondria (the cellular energy regulators) shut down. When suddenly reperfused with oxygen, mitochondria reactivate but also trigger apoptosis, the process by which a cell kills itself. It is still unknown what the best way to reactivate cell metabolism is, but many are now saying that the traditional emergency room procedure of rapidly infusing as much oxygen as possible may actually be killing many patients faster. In another study from the University of California success was found by using cardioplegic blood infusions and heart-lung-bypass machines. Use of these to maintain circulation to the brain until the heart could safely be restarted had an 80% success rate in reviving sufferers of sudden cardiac arrest. In comparison, traditional methods only succeeded 15% of the time. These findings could have a significant influence on future medicine, helping to develop the emerging field of treating the dead.
Affirmative Actionless Professors collaborating at Princeton and Pennsylvania Universities have made discoveries that question whether affirmative action in college admissions works as is intended. The study found that first- and secondgeneration immigrant origin students made up 27% of the black students admitted to top U.S campuses, over twice their representative proportion of the U.S. population. In Ivy League schools that number is 41%. Although it remains uncertain what the cause of this disparity is, the researchers propose that admissions may be unintentionally biased because “to white observers, black immigrants seem more polite, less hostile, more solicitous, and ‘easier to get along with.’” This idea met with detraction by students, universities, and even the National Association for College Admission Counseling. But, to the researchers’ credit, the only significant distinction found between immigrant black students and native black students is that immigrant black students are more likely to have college-educated fathers.
Mon. 7th Tues. 8th Wed. 9th Thur. 10th Fri. 11th Your Weekend Hi 85° Lo 63° Hi 82° Lo 62° Hi 75° Lo 60° Hi 72° Lo 59° Hi 73° Lo 60° Hi 71° Lo 59° Yikes,HOT Hot Sun Sunny Pleasant Good Day, Sunshine! Sunny 7 May 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Opinions
Faith, Conviction and Advertising By Tristan Mang
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Contributor
o you avoid walking past the campus bookstore, fearing ravenous packs of solicitors leaping into your path? As if the useless coupons, advertisements and junk mail we get everywhere else isn’t enough, here you can get it in your face. Join the Army, join the gym, play paintball and vote for Joe, everything from oil changes to eternal salvation. When a monk whispers in your ear, when a Jehovah stalks you down, when a Mormon slaps you in the face with a brochure and you’re already late for class, what do you say? No doubt the gauntlet can be annoying, but what really pisses me off are these religious peons enthusiastically trivializing an important issue—belief. These thrifty peddlers of credulity, turning God into a brochure, mocking piety, offend even my sense of respect and sensibility—and I am the angriest Atheist I’ve ever met. I would like to take this opportunity to rant, and to possibly create some kind of awareness or consideration for a question you should not be avoiding on the way to class. Raise your hand if you believe in God—if your hand is not up, chances are you don’t understand. Silliman said language is firstly a political question, so what does it mean to believe in anything? And do you really care? A hill with two peaks, or two hills? Why do
you have to be a Christian or a Muslim or a Jew? Your faith in and comprehension of life is obviously something much more complex than a label. When I tell someone that there is no God and there is no Heaven I usually hear, “Just wait, you’ll see.” Do you really have to wait for death to know what you believe in? Even though I think God is a horrible fallacy, I would bet my immortal soul I make a better Christian than most Christians, because I’m a Buddhist. But I’m not a Buddhist, I just love people, and my love is much more valuable than a kiss from Jesus. Fuck, love anyone, even yourself. There are so many ways to get that special feeling and purpose, you don’t have to drag God into your life and complicate a good thing. Let me reiterate and gravitate back to the issue at hand—I believe in God, I believe in Harry Potter too. What makes a powerful or attractive idea is beyond me, but I know a crowd when I see one. So I guess my question is if you know a crowd when you see one, and if you do, does it affect your consideration? Is it possible to believe on your own? Without church, without solicitations, independently and actively working hard to make sense out of things? One mind can make a difference but it doesn’t have to. So when I tell you there is no God, tell me I’m right, or tell me to fuck off, don’t tell me to wait for the rapture. Unless you don’t care. If you don’t care ignore everything you just read and go watch FOX News
or TBN or some other load of shit to help you ride out your ignorance. And if you can’t do that, give some moron with a brochure five minutes of your time to tell you how to live your life—even if you’re late for class. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Response to: “Religious Discrimination...” (4/30) By Sean Bernhoft Union Staffer The poster that Alisha Herrick brought to our attention last week, a poorly drawn wantto-be Chick tract, is abhorrent, small-minded, bigoted, and just plain incorrect. Alisha suggested that, because the poster claims that Buddhists (and everyone else who doesn’t accept Jesus as their personal savior) are going to live forever in an eternal state of agony and torture, this poster was offensive and not within the boundaries of free speech. On the contrary, the idiots and ignoramuses at Palm Tree Christian Club—because if they authored this tract, that is exactly what they are—have as much right to exhibit their unreasoned beliefs as I have to espouse my (correct) opinion that their world view is informed by bronze age myths, that the foundation of their beliefs crumbles under scrutiny, and that they are utterly and contemptibly wrong. I am sure you agree with me, at least on some points, Alisha—otherwise, why would you call for their censorship? But of course you would not say so, because I suppose you would have to consider what I have said “religious discrimination” as well. Or perhaps, though it is presumptuous of me to suggest, you would not say so because your own beliefs are built upon equally shaky foundations. At any rate, what good does it do to censor speech that you do not agree with? How does that move anyone closer to what is true? Cen-
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sorship is not conducive to rational argument. Ideas compete like goods in the market place: bad ideas and opinions shatter under scrutiny and reason, and should eventually disappear while good ideas and opinions withstand such scrutiny. So why is there so much fear of words? Why should beliefs sit loftily and safely in an ivory tower? This rampant politeness and fear of offense that calls for censorship, which has become so common on the left while being so intuitively indicative of the right, leads us toward intellectual complacency at its best and destruction at its worst. Complacency for the reasons listed above— we can’t progress if we can’t engage in rational argument—and destruction because violent extremists can hide behind the same limitations that you’ve attempted to level against the Palm Tree Christian Club. Likewise, you have protected the Palm Tree Christian club from any real criticism: They have not engaged in religious discrimination as you say, they have merely espoused what they believe to be the truth. As I have stated. They are wrong and their beliefs should be challenged. As I have stated, any public criticism of their beliefs— valid or not—would be offensive to them and would have to be considered, by your definition, religious discrimination. Imagine, for a moment, that we live in a world populated by demagogues and extremists who have complete and utter faith in various, mutually exclusive, mutually violent, holy
books. Members of these sects wish to impose their beliefs on you and I by any means necessary, and if we are unwilling to submit, some of them would be willing to remove our craniums from our spines. What do you suppose we should do? Wait in unease, until the most extreme of the sects lashes out in an inevitable bout of violence, hushing them if they attempt to use more peaceful means of persuasion? I say no, let them speak! Let them speak, and de-construct their arguments. Show them why they are wrong with words and argument, and do so without restraint. What better way to demoralize the ranks of would-be suicide bombers than convincing them to be otherwise? If we limit their speech, then we must limit the speech of the sane among us because sound criticism can be equally offensive as wild claims and accusations, and then what will we be left with? Freedom of speech must mean freedom of speech for everyone. First, because any alternative would be simply unethical: who is to decide whose speech is legitimate? Second, because ideas are powerful, and good ideas more so. Ideas must be able to compete if we are ever going to turn this uneasy and demonstrably fragile state of relativism and complacency into a state of more widespread enlightenment. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Rob the Old, Feed the Young By Derek Crossley Union Staffer I know I’ve been getting all political and sociological on you recently, so let’s get back to the faux-meat and potatoes: A story about my scummy life. Here we go. I was walking down 2nd Street with my friend Brad. We were broke, with only six dollars between the two of us. And there’s no way two young “men” could eat for six dollars down there. So instead, we were walking around hoping for someone to feed us, or for money to fall out of the sky. That’s when we met her. She was, we’d later find out, thirty-seven, tall, with fake tits, and an awkward skirt. She drunkenly told us she liked our asses, then to cut to the chase, she thought we were gay. This is a problem Brad and I get into a lot, apparently we reek of homosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But to hurry things along, she invited us back to her place. We got there and she put on some music I’d never heard and started dancing. It wasn’t really dancing though, it was more like a seizure set to music. Brad and I sat down on her couch and I grabbed two dollars off her coffee table and shoved it into my pocket. Then she sat down between us, breathing heavy because of her awkward convulsions. I figured I had no time to waste so I grabbed her and pressed my mouth against her ancient lips. She tasted bad, stale, what I imagine a corpse would taste like; then I moved down to her granite tits; hard as month-old bread. As I sucked on the least feminine mounds of my life, Brad started kissing her. It was like a bad, bad, porno. Even the music was horrible and from the seventies. Anyways, clothing was removed, but I left my pants in place. I could imagine where she’d been, in her many years circling the sun. But that didn’t stop my friend, his pants hit the floor and her mouth hit him. While they were busy, I started snooping around, first the kitchen, then the bathroom, then her room. I grabbed a ring or two, and a necklace, that looked like it belonged to a child. But then I saw her purse and scrounged twenty-six dollars out of it, making our total getaway money twenty-eight dollars. Just as I finished shoving the green-backs down my pants, from the other room I heard, “He came.” I ran in, as innocently as possible, and there she was licking her lips, telling me how “delicious” he was. I suppressed my gag reflex, grabbed Brad by his arm and dragged him out of there, telling the poor “woman” that we had to go to church and confess our sins. That day, lunch was on her. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
30 April 2007
Response to: “Don’t Judge Me for Being Tech-Savvy” (4/30) By Christina Duenas
I
Special to the Union
asked myself on more than one occasion if I was making something out of nothing by writing this response. Every time I re-read Guido D’Onofrio’s opinion article, I knew I wasn’t. One of the arguments he made was, “Myspace is better for finding like-minded people than bars, clubs, and house parties full of aggressive drunks, girls with STD’s and perverts.” How convenient guys with STD’s were omitted from this sentence. The girls with STD’s at the places Mr. D’Onofrio’s attends must wear signs or blatantly tell people, “I have Chlamydia,” because I don’t understand how he would know if girls were infected unless he asked, someone told him, he plainly assumed or he met an attractive drunk girl, hooked up with her, and later found out he was infected. Girls with STD’s don’t just come out at night. They also do normal things like work and go to school. Guess what Mr. D’Onofrio? They are on Myspace too! Girls are certainly not proud of having contracted an STD. No one wants an STD, but it can happen even to the best of people. Getting and having one brings about a variety of complex emotions and his statements certainly con-
tradict what he is asking the student body to do: be less judgmental. I would imagine he would be more aware and more accepting of the consequences of a “night of debauchery.” It is hypocritical for him to say he would be happy if anybody (who saw him on Myspace) approached him and said ‘hi’ when it seems he would much rather talk to a STD-free girl. It is sad that he thinks girls with STD’s lack the capability of engaging him in an intellectual conversation. It is also pretentious for him to think that he is better than a girl who is or was once infected with an STD. I guess they share no common interests. I agree that making friends here on campus is difficult and that should change. However, outcasting a specific group of individuals based solely on their sexual activity will not help. If Mr. D’Onofrio expects not to be judged for being “tech savvy” then he should not judge girls for dressing they way they want to dress when they go out, he should not judge girls for the way guys (dirty or not) stare at their breasts (because it happens regardless of what they are wearing), he should not judge girls for the way they dance with a guy they choose to dance with, and he should not judge girls with STD’s as incapable, incompetent human beings unable and unworthy of finding like-minded people to talk to.
Project Clothesline Provides Moral Support Anonymous Special to the Union Recently on this campus there were t-shirts being displayed about men and women that had been molested, abused, etc (see, “T-Shirts Speak Louder than Words,” 4/30). I am a second hand victim of this. My sister was molested by my father. I do not know how many people have been victims of a crime like this. I am suffering the consequences of the actions of my father. I do not have many friends because I feel that many people can not re-
30 April 2007
late to the fact that I do not trust men. A friend of mine did confide in me that she was molested by her uncle. Her family does not know and sometimes she deals with flashbacks. Sometimes she does more with guys than she wants because she feels pressured. Let it be known that whatever violence you have encountered it is not your fault! No one can ever blame you for what happened. There are a lot of sick people in the world and people who feel that they do not have to take responsibility of their actions. I wish everyone the best of luck in overcoming all obstacles that come your way. I am doing my best to overcome my own.
[Opinions]
Another Response to: “Don’t Judge Me For Being Tech Savvy” By Marcus Bockman Union Staffer
Myspace is tar on the beach—it’s there, you hate it, and then when you least expect it, it sticks to you and is hard to get away from. I would have to disagree with Mr. Guido D’Onofrio’s favorable impression of Myspace, printed last week. It isn’t worthless because it allows people to network. No, I won’t deny I have a Myspace. This past week I just started actually using mine, and I admit, it is addictive. However, I would have to disagree with the idea that Myspace is great place to network. Using Myspace as a way to kill time between classes is fine. Finding new “friends” on Myspace and adding them—and having them add you too—is a bit like collecting baseball cards. But much like collecting baseball cards, a level of fanaticism and addiction is to be avoided. The real problem is that people get too comfortable with Myspace and use it carelessly—and even worse—to keep tabs on one another. Many times when the subject of Myspace is brought up with a heavy user, there is the inevitable, “Ha, I was dating this person when they found out I was cheating on them through Myspace…” What happened to privacy? Well, use Myspace a lot, and you’ll find out its nowhere to be found. Its not paranoia, its just the age we live in. Embarrassing digital pictures can be taken with cell phones, embarrassing digital video clips can be taken with cell phones, and even more detailed and telling digital pictures and video clips can be taken with real digital cameras. And where do all of the skeletons in the closet end up? No, not lost somewhere in abyss. The truth about the weekend ends up on Myspace pages! So next time you think it’s a great idea to message people you don’t know very well, or not at all, about what happened at last night’s blow out party, think again. Myspace, “a place for friends,” may be a fun little diversion, but use it too much and too carelessly and it may not feel too friendly anymore.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5
Sports
Convo’ O’ The Week
“?”
Seriously, if anyone could understand what was transpiring while HBO’s Larry Merchant interviewed Floyd Mayweather Sr. before and after the fight on Saturday, please let us know.
Straight
The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year? with
I
ROOF
JJ Fiddler
woke Saturday morning with the taste of $9 Long Island Iced Tea in my mouth. The night before was my friend Vince’s birthday, so we went out in Downtown Fullerton to celebrate. My Saturday morning headache hung with me all day on one of the best sports weekends in recent memory. It was a struggle, but I got through NHL and NBA playoffs, the Kentucky Derby, and the biggest fight in recent history, loving every minute of it. The perfect day. Hangover or not. Rolling over towards the ingenuously placed bottled water at the crack of 11:00, one thought waded through the fog in my head: what is the year’s #1 sports day? Super Bowl Sunday is an obvious choice, but that’s just one event. I decided that besides this May 5th, two other days could challenge for the top spot. First, New Years Day. Yea, it’s mostly football, but with the NFL extending its schedule, it won’t be long until the 1st of January includes an NFL doubleheader along with all the bowl games. Second isn’t an actual day, but every year towards the end of October there is a weekend that includes the NFL, NCAA football, and playoff baseball. That’s my favorite time of year, though, so this may be a bit biased. This May 5th, I got to say, takes the cake. * * *
My friends and I went to Los Alamitos Race Track around noon to make our bets on the Kentucky Derby. I’ve bet the Derby the last four years and I’ve never picked the favorite, but this year Street Sense was the class of the field. We got our bets in pretty early, so I got 6 to 1 odds. We left the track because all the TVs there are those 12x12 screens hanging from the roof. Memo to Los Al: It’s the freaking Derby, put up a projector or get some TVs bigger than the one my Grandma has in her kitchen! Anyway, as the race got started, it was easy to see Sense’s bright colored #7. It was also easy to notice he was running second from last for almost ¾ of the race. But as they came into the second turn, the NBC producers went to an overhead camera reminiscent of Monday Night Football’s. And there was #7, on the rail just like the “experts” predicted he would, making his move. The birthday boy Vince said, “Damn, that horse is digging.” I smiled, “Yea, that’s my #7, buh.” Sense made one move, got a little lucky, and separated from the field for my second Derby win in the last four years. Nothing like a well-deserved victory. * * * After watching Tracy McGrady do all he could do and still fall short in another game 7, we turned over to the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight. Overall, at the end of the night we were disappointed in the fight, or lack thereof. Honestly, after 12 rounds both Oscar and Floyd looked more like they just got out of the shower than a championship title bout.
As Michael Buffer read the scorecards, it was more obvious than ever before that there are two schools when it comes to scoring a boxing match. One believes that the more active, energetic fighter is the winner, while the other believes that the more efficient, accurate puncher holds the upper hand. Every fight fan has his or her own opinion, but one thing is for sure, neither Floyd nor Oscar was impressive. Don’t get me wrong, these were two of the best athletes in the world performing at the highest level—and maybe that alone caused the fight to be so tactical—but on their own, neither fighter was impressive, and in my book, you have to be exactly that in order to win a fight. And whatever happened to “you have to take the belt away?” Bottom line, it should have been a draw, and if it ever comes around again, I’ll fork over the $50, gladly.
Illustration By Mike Pallotta
Not a great fight, but a really good one. You have to understand, Mayweather v. De La Hoya was not a Heavyweight bout. There were not going to be five or six knockdowns. Guys fighting in the 150-lb. range don’t have that kind of power. Their game is technical, an intricate dance of dodging, weaving and picking your spots. In that regard, Floyd Mayweather Jr. was masterful. It should have been unanimous. “Pretty Boy” Floyd was clearly the better, more skilled, more talented fighter. Yes, Oscar was more active, and I do wish that the bout was more competitive, but Mayweather was more accurate, more efficient, and did more damage to his opponent. Sans the De La Hoya fanboys, every expert knew the fight would turn out as it did. Think about how many times you heard the phrase, “My heart says Oscar, my mind says Floyd.” A lot. It’s no secret that the entire boxing world was against Mayweather, either because of his arrogance, flamboyance or their love of the PC-friendly Oscar. It wasn’t the fight to save boxing, but it was a damn good fight. A guy gained ten pounds to move up a weight class and fight one of the greatest boxers of all time, and made him look like a Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Robot. It was a really good fight. I don’t care what you say. –Ryan ZumMallen
NFL Draft-ermath: Winners and Losers in 2007 By Pete Olsen NFL Correspondent
Winners
New England Patriots
The Pats’ front office proved once again that they are the brightest in the league. Strictly looking at the players drafted, there won’t be much impact this season. But the Patriots minimize the importance of their own 2007 draft class by acquiring Randy Moss for a relatively trivial 4th round pick. His attitude will stay in check and his contribution on the field will be remarkable considering that Tom Brady has previously succeeded throwing to average wide receivers.
Cleveland Browns
Nobody in the sports world would have
6
questioned the Browns had they chosen Brady Quinn with the 3rd pick rather than Joe Thomas. If you want, you can look at it as if the Browns had two #3 picks in terms of the players’ skills but without the major financial obligation to two top-10 guys. The Browns won’t be good next year, but their foundation is strong for the future.
San Francisco 49ers
The Niners got excellent value while also satisfying the teams’ needs using 6 of their 9 picks on defense. However, offensive lineman, Joe Staley, could be the most important selection if the 49ers can’t reach a deal with their best young OL, Justin Smiley. Add in the other off-season acquisitions (Nate Clements, Michael Lewis, Ashley Lelie) and the draft-day
trade for Darrell Jackson from division rival, Seattle Seahawks, and the 49ers have a real chance to contend for the NFC West.
Losers
Seattle Seahawks
Not having a first round selection is a total bummer for Seattle fans. Their other draft picks could develop into solid players, but none have standout ability at this time. Plus, if the departed Darrell Jackson, now a 49er, has a great season or any bit of success against his old team, there will be pandemonium coming from the northwest part of the country that nobody else will notice.
Philadelphia Eagles
Let’s see, the Eagles first pick (2nd
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
round, #36) was wasted on QB Kevin Kolb from Houston. He would’ve still been on the board in a later round considering there were 3 QBs rated higher all still left to go, but I guess the Eagles thought… umm, actually, I have no idea what they could’ve been thinking.
Miami Dolphins
They better pray that Ted Ginn is an absolute beast, that John Beck becomes a solid QB, and that Brady Quinn does nothing in his career as a Brown. If any of those do not come to pass, the Dolphins 2007 draft class will always be questioned. I’ll take the odds on one of those not happening, and my best guess is that Ginn will not live up to the hype of being a top 10 pick.
7 May 2007
Photo Courtesy of Bloc Party
Weekend! I Prefer the Weekend!
Monday7 MXPX at the HOB Anaheim – 6pm $17.50 Antagonist at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 Gravity’s Love at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $10 Phantom Planet at the Roxy – 7pm $11 Breakthru Showcase at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 River City Rebels at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $8
Tuesday8
Wednesday9 Bury Your Dead at the Whisky – 6.30pm $16 The Catalina Freeway at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Grace Potter at the Troubadour – 8pm $12 Wolfmother at the Grove – 9pm $30 Spouse at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $7 Aqualung at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $12.50
Thursday10 Noches Rockeras at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $15 Indie Collision Final Round at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Matt Skiba at the Troubadour – 8pm $12 The Hard to Get at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $7
Friday11 Vox Noctis at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 Bury Your Dead at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $14 Adema at Velvet Jones – 8pm $15 Bullets and Octane at the Key Club – 8pm $15 Dinosaur Jr. at the Troubadour – 8pm $25 Enblessin at the Calabassas Community Center – 8pm $8 Keane at the Greek Theatre – 8pm $38.50 School of Rock at the Canyon Club – 8pm $16 TRS-80 at the Knitting Factory – 8.30pm $6 The Autumns at Spaceland – 8.30pm $10 The Spazmatics at Morongo – 9pm $10
Saturday12 Ralphs World at the HOB Anaheim – 9pm $15 One More From the Road at the Ventura Theatre – 7pm $15 Powder at the Key Club LA – 7pm $15 45 Grave at the Showcase Theatre – 7.30pm $12 Bury Your Dead at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $14 Dinosaur Jr. at the Troubadour – 8pm $25 Savage City at the Coach House – 8pm $10 Shahrokh at the Kodak Theatre – 8pm $45-75 Porcupine Tree at the Avalon – 7pm $29.50 The Germs at the Galaxy Theatre – 8pm $15
Photo By Christine Johnson
Aqualung at the Henry Fonda – 8pm $17.50 Let’s Dance at the HOB Sunset – 8pm $20 Scott and Aimee at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $10 Monsters Are Waiting at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Joseph Arthur at the Roxy – 8pm $21 Black Rebel Motorcycle Club at the Wiltern – 8.20pm $23.50
A
man stands tall behind his drum kit, his arms raised high. Each hand is clutching a drumstick, and a thick 4/8 drum beat begins to rock the audience, each kick punctuated by the collective hand clap of the crowd. The drummer pumps his fist in the air, and the audience vigorously follows suit. Who is this maniac behind the traps? What hardrocking group of hooligans is performing? One might be quick to assume I’m writing about a Def Leopard concert, but if you read back, I’m pretty sure I referred to the drummer as having more than one hand. Rather, the Los Angeles crowd of which I am a part is being rocked by a group of fresh-faced young men from East London collectively known as Bloc Party. Having just released an impressively well-puttogether sophomore album, A Weekend in the City, the English quartet had stopped in LA to play two shows at the wonderful Wiltern Theatre. Personally, I had seen Bloc Party on three separate occasions prior to this most recent show: Twice at KROQ concert festivals, and once more about a year ago at the Hollywood Palladium, not far from the Wiltern. All three shows were fantastically entertaining, but what always stood out for me as a highlight of the performances were just how starry-eyed and excited lead singer Kele Okereke always appeared on stage. Whether a band is just on the heels of its debut album or is the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing in an arena named for a soft drink conglomerate, it’s never fun to see a bunch of jaded assholes that have
7 May 2007
–By Sean Boulger
Need to pick up a summer class?
Cerritos College Summer Sessions Start May 21 Classes Just $20 Per Unit
Sunday13 Modest Mouse at the Greek Theatre – 7.30pm $35 Dinosaur Jr. at the Troubadour – 8pm $25 Porcupine Tree at the Grove – 7.30pm $26-31
themselves convinced that it’s your privilege to be there. No matter what band it is you’re seeing, it always adds a very necessary degree of accessability when a band appears genuinely excited to be playing for you. If band members are pricks, the fans can’t connect, and everybody knows it’s just tougher to enjoy music played by someone that can’t be identified with. The first three times I saw them, Bloc Party made themselves readily accessible, if not approachable with their excited, enthusiastic approach to playing live. These guys were genuinely stoked that so many people were coming out to see them, and it really came across. Though this has changed a little bit, as I’m sure Bloc Party have gotten quite used to the fact that everyone knows how bitchin’ their music is, the band is still surrounded by a rich air of excitement. Okereke’s eyes were wide and his face was lit up by a smile as the band launched into the opening song, and he was enthusiastic through the whole set. There’s nothing better than watching a musician who’s simply jazzed about playing his tunes in front of people. Helped to a great degree by Okereke’s fantastic stage presence, the band made its way through a set comprised of standout tracks from both albums. Songs like “Helicopter,” “Banquet,” and “The Prayer” blew away any doubts I had about whether or not the band would be able to impress me as much this time around as they had the previous times I had seen them.
(562) 860-2451 www.cerritos.edu Building Futures Through Learning Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Photos By Ryan Kobane
Fri 27
th
5:45 a.m.- I wake up in a panic, only to realize it.s still dark out, and nearly four hours until estimated departure time. I tried to go back to sleep but that didn’t work, so I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off doing errands around town for no apparent reason. I got gas and one water… mistake number one. 11:00 a.m. – The Jeep leaves LB. Dupree and I instantly realize we’ve both underestimated the amount of necessities it takes to survive in the desert for three days. We have: clothing, a few blankets, a couple waters, a tent in a bag that we have no idea how to put together, and that’s it… mistake two and three.
9:30 p.m. – Interpol was the reason I went to Coachella, and I wasn’t disappointed. They were the most intense band of the entire weekend. Paul Banks is in my opinion the best front man in all of music right now. If their upcoming album is even half as good as the four new songs they played it may contend for best album of the year. Thank you Interpol. 11:00 p.m. – Gogol Bordello was the biggest surprise of the weekend for me. A mix of punk inside a masquerade ball is the only way I could explain it. I need a bottle of Jack to compliment how amazing they were.
By Ryan Kobane
COACHELLA?
Three Days In The Life 1:45 p.m. – People are raging in the pool at the RV park we were camping at. This idea sounded great at the time but we opted to set up the tent and head out. Now I don’t know very much about tents, but I do know that they require some sort of support beams… our tent lacked these (thanks Dooley). After we laughed the initial pain away in the 100° heat we both decided to just roll with it and see what happened. 2 – 4 p.m.- Sitting in traffic was awesome. 4:45 p.m.- Watched the end of the Comedians of Comedy. I was a wee bit down on the start of the day, but when Patton Oswalt summed up Coachella as, “Like a hot fudge sundae that blows you, and somehow gets you high,” I knew the weekend was going to rock. 5:30 p.m. – Dupree and I discuss the popularity of China Man hats, as there seemed to be an influx of them roaming around Coachella. “Hey man, this is funny forever right?” 5:45 p.m. – Of Montreal plays in the best outfits all weekend long, and that’s where it ends. Its funny what people will clap for at Coachella. I didn’t think they were anything special, but apparently I was the only one that felt that way. They didn’t move at all, no stage presence whatsoever. 7:00 p.m. – Amy Winehouse was fucking amazing. Walked in not knowing what to expect, and I ended up loving every second of it. The flies were feasting off of my salty skin inside of the Mohave tent at this point, and for some reason I didn’t care. Her voice would fit perfectly on a Spike Lee joint, maybe Crookland or something like that. She has soul. 7:30 p.m. – Walked around by myself and ended up hearing Arctic Monkeys who sounded pretty good. Without knowing it I watched their entire set and was pretty impressed. 8:00 p.m. – Found Boulger who convinced me to see Rufus Waneright. He sucked; thanks, Boulger. (Mistake four) Later p.m. – I thought it would be a good idea to see Peaches (Mistake five). From 250 people deep I could still smell her. This chick isn’t a musician in any sense of the word; she is a stripper with a band. Around 9ish – Watched some of Jesus And the Mary Chain… walked over to watch Jarvis Cocker. Met the coolest kid ever while I was waiting for his set to begin. Tom had been hitchhiking across America for three months and had spent a total of $100 the entire time (his story will be told in later issues). Jarvis Cocker was a performer, and owned the crowd.
8
Sat 28th
2:30 a.m. – We fall asleep under the stars. 8:00 a.m. – Wake up and its already 85°. Day – Drink with friends at a nice house on a golf course (mistake six). 5:30 p.m. – PB&J were just as I expected, milquetoast. 6:30 p.m. – The Decemberists should have been playing the main stage but I was glad they weren’t. Whether it was a mix of the impromptu dance contests, or the giant whale that came on stage during “The Mariners Revenge Song,” I couldn’t have asked for more. 7:30 p.m. – I saw Arcade Fire two years ago on the Outdoor Theater and it could have been the best single performance I’ve ever seen at Coachella, so I decided to forever remember that and just lay back and enjoy the music. They played for what seemed like two hours, they sounded great. 9:15 p.m. – Flea is a rock star, but the RHCP just don’t do it for me anymore. They will not be our Rolling Stones, no matter how bad everyone wants them to be. 10:50 p.m. – Front row at the Black Keys made my weekend. An hour set that left everyone in attendance exhausted and in disbelief. How two men can make music sounding like that I’ll never understand. This was the apex of Coachella, it was pretty much all downhill from here.
Sun 29th
2:30 a.m. – Sat in the pool of the RV park and ate a burger. I saw a huge snake while walking back to our spot, but for some reason didn’t say anything to anyone, for that I’m sorry (Mistake seven). 1:00- 5 p.m. – The Anthem party was great. Free food and booze left Dupree and I wasted and full, a feeling we both hadn’t felt in some time. 7:30 p.m. – Placebo played every song I wanted them to, but I don’t remember most of it. 9:30 p.m. – Air came on an hour late… I waited around to hear three songs, none of them were “Surfing on a Rocket.” 10:00 p.m. – Caught the end of Manu Chao and was thoroughly impressed. They had me jumping and moving erratically. The End- The time leading up to the Rage show was something I’ve never felt before. A hundred thousand people were confused, drunk, and tired; this wasn’t a good combination. I was ready for anything. Rage- Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down; my calves were sore by the third song. A pit formed right next to me after Rage started their encore. A man walked to the center of it holding a burning American flag in his hands. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and yet I could; this is Coachella, and this is why I come back every single year. 4:30 a.m. – Home in LB, so happy to see a bed. I was sick for the next two days, and it was worth every second of it.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7 May 2007
E
verything about this festival seems to fly in the face of nature. This is a town built up of mansions and mini-malls, fueled by an unending deluge of pension dollars. Every hotel worth staying at has a fountain out front that sprays water two stories into the air. A sign warns about dust storms only a block away from an expertly maintained golf course. This is the rising price of boredom. In this dystopian backdrop, it is the leisure class that rules. I remember a line from Thoreau: “What is the use of a house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on?” The crowd is lively. The music is loud and the contraband is abundant. The contraband is very abundant. Narcs sweep through the crowd, helpless as children against the everpresent clouds of illicit activity. Won’t anyone think of the children? There is no defined demographic here. For at least this weekend, all in attendance are free-spirited twenty-somethings. As the sun sets, you can see the excitement smolder in the crowd’s eyes. This is the great joy of Coachella. For at least this weekend, these aging souls couldn’t
possibly be doing anything cooler. We can sleep with the assurance that the day was seized, utterly and wonderfully. At some point on Friday, I decided to find the true heart of Coachella. By Sunday I gave up my quest. There are simply too many celebrity spottings and drunk hipsters to even speculate about the possibility of some underlying hotbed of goodness. This is a gauntlet of musical performances that leans more toward an endurance race than a show. Again, Thoreau: “It is a great art to saunter.” It’s hot and loud and dirty and fast. Exactly how life ought to be. During the festival I had the pleasure of doing 3 interviews: The Black Keys, !!!, and Mike Relm (this one will only be on the website due to space). The Black Keys interview was an amazing conversation between three guys who were completely bored of doing interviews and just started having fun. The !!! interview quickly devolved into two guys from Sacramento reminiscing about our state capitol in an entirely unreadable way (most of this wistfulness was omitted). Enjoy.
By Matt Dupree
INSIDE MAN
Coachella Inside-Out
BLACK KEYS Union Weekly: So what’s happened since Magic Potion? Patrick Carney: We’ve toured a bunch and recorded songs for our new record and all kinds of stuff. We’ve been working every day pretty much from January til now on the new record, we’ve gotten really far. We’re playing today and then leaving for 3 weeks to Australia and then coming back for a couple weeks here. We’ll do Bonnaroo and then Lollapalooza and then back to finish up our record. UW: Have you played Coachella before? Dan Auerbach: Yeah, we played 3 years ago. UW: So you’re used to the heat? PC: It was hotter last time. Disgusting. We played in the middle of the afternoon in a tent. This year we picked our slot. We picked 11pm… vs. 4 last time. UW:You’re not dismayed that you’re going up against other big headliners? PC:Well it’s all really different music. We’re going to miss seeing the Rapture. UW: Where do you see yourself in the grand scheme of music? I know that’s probably the dumbest question ever. DA: Ha! Yeah that is a pretty dumb question. PC: Somewhere in rock. UW: Can you describe your music without using the words “Blues,”“Rock,” or “Guitar?”
INTER VIEW PC: I don’t know… it’s like country, but much louder. And not that similar to it. DA: That’s pretty good. PC: And then sometimes quiet. Like back and forth. Loud and quiet. And sometimes not either one. DA: HA! UW: What makes a song for you guys? DA: I don’t know how to answer that. PC: Uh, something we both like. UW: Do you hate anyone right now? Let’s get it on record. Start a beef. DA: Nope. Don’t hate anyone. UW: Don’t want to start any rivalries? PC: We hate everybody on the west coast. DA: Indiana. Anything past the Indiana border, and uhh, East Akron. Southwest Ohio, like Dayton. Just lots of people. PC: Dayton. Seriously. Fuck Dayton. I’ll say that right now. Fuck Dayton. Fuck ICP. DA: I’m not going to say that. Their fans are nuts. PC: Yeah, scratch that. That was a joke. UW: Yeah. Those fans are extremely ridiculous. PC: The juggaloes, juggalettes. Juggahoes. DA: Gotta watch out for them. UW: I’ll keep an eye out. Thanks for the interview. DA: Yeah, we gotta go get something to eat and set up.
!!! INTERVIEW !!!
!!!’s (say it chik chik chik) Singer, Nic Offer, gives us a look inside his
exclamation-point filled world.
Union Weekly: So 3 years ago, I saw you guys play Coachella and I found out that we’re both from Sacramento. Nic Offer: Oh You’re from Sac? Cool. What high school did you go to? UW: I went to Rio Americano. NO: Oh, I was just down the street [at Jesuit High]. I was a Jesbian. UW: Wow, we’re like rivals! Okay… back to the real stuff… NO: Alright. UW: As a band whose stated mission is to get asses shaking, your lyrics are a little overqualified. What’s your thought process when you’re writing? NO: For me, you know, it’s like, on the dance floor anything can happen. You can have really life-changing moments on the dance floor. There’s some dance songs that can reduce me to tears. There’s no rules to anything you know, for me it’s just about making the best
7 May 2007
music you can make. The more things you can bring into it the better. UW:What sort of approach did you bring to the new album? NO: We got together in a house in Nashville and just kind of like hung out. We lived there for 3 weeks and we had to set up everything to record and just jam. We’d wake up every morning and do kung fu. We always just want to make dance floor burners and stuff that’s just really strange. UW:What was it like living with the band at the house? NO: Slumber party. It’s like being at camp or something. There’s a lot more telling jokes than jamming. A lot of fucking around. UW: Were there any aspects of anyone that you wish you hadn’t found out? NO: Yeah, I mean, that’s part of being a family. You just kinda gotta roll with it. Gotta learn to accept that people are different. We all just want to do
the same thing essentially, just go around the world and have fun. UW: !!! is signed to Warp Records, which is a label devoted to electronic artists. Was that a big deal to you guys? NO: We were just glad to be involved with somebody like that. It was a big deal to us. We were really proud. Like “Wow! They want us? Yeah, let’s do it!” UW:Did it affect your sound at all? Maybe felt obligated to be more electronic? NO:No. Not at all. There’s actually certain parties in the band that are always pushing it to be more electronic and parties that are pushing it to be less electronic. UW: Are the ‘non-electronic advocates’ members who play non-electronic instruments? NO: Haha. Mostly yeah. UW: You get up on stage and really just go fucking crazy. Have you always performed like that? NO: Yeah. We kinda came from the punk
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
scene, I used to play in a band called Yah Mos, and in that scene it’s not as important if you’re hitting all the right notes. Energy is the operative force. It’s always been about pushing ourselves harder and harder. UW: I’ve heard differing stories of how the !!! name came to be. Could you…? NO: We just wanted something that stood out, something different. We were making completely different music than anyone else and we wanted something that reflected that. UW: And now you have to hear about it every interview. NO: Haha. Yeah. I actually refused to answer it in the last interview. That was because ALL of her questions were typical. Yours haven’t been like that, so I gave you that one. UW: Yeah, I’m pretty nervous. NO: No need to be nervous. We’re just a couple of boys from Sacto.
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What The Fuck is a Polar Bear Doing on Lost?! I n 2004, ABC and golden-boy J.J. Abrams launched what would become the most successful oh-no!-we-are-stuck-on-an-island-but-makingthe-best-of-it franchise since Gilligan’s Island, the most noteworthy Matthew Fox outing since Party of Five, and probably more importantly, one of the network’s biggest hits of the past decade. Lost was created amongst a wave of melodramatic, uber-linear serials like FOX’s juggernaut 24 and J.J. Abrams’ other brain child, Alias. Its premise was simple: Oceanic flight 815 flying out of Sydney, Australia en route to the States crash-lands on an island where nothing is as it seems. The survivors include Jack, the tortured nice guy, doctor, and natural leader; Kate, the hot, kind-of buff chick; Sawyer, the smooth talking conman; John Locke, the resident creepy old guy shrouded in mystery; Sun and Jin, the Korean couple whose marriage is on the rocks; Charlie, the rock star/heroin addict; Claire, the pretty young preggo (swoon); and so on and so forth. Gives you chills, doesn’t it? Maybe not, but in its early days Lost satisfied TV audience’s need to watch attractive ensemble casts in strenuous and increasingly bizarre situations without knowing for a single moment what the hell was going on. By the end of its first season, Lost was a bonafide hit. It garnered a handful of Emmys and its cliff hanger of finale left audiences salivating for answers. So, naturally, with the following season, ABC did what any money monger would do once they had a hit on their hands: They drove it into the ground, albeit accidentally. Season 2 of Lost remains one of the more shameful disappointments in recent television history, regardless of what the hardcore fan boys say. Knowing the mysteries of the island, the desire to solve them, and the subsequent buzz generated by water-cooler discussions were such large parts of the show’s success, the writers and producers of Lost decided to mercilessly screw their audience
over and over again by throwing mindfuck after mindfuck out onto the screen without bothering to fess up to their answers. This achieved the “oh naw he di-int” effect after every episode, but made the season feel largely episodic: nothing tied in together, subplots were created then forgotten. The writers brought their A-game for the last two or three episodes of the season, but it was too late. Lost was plummeting, in creative clout and in ratings. Producers knew they needed to reverse the damage done with the third season. Then came Brian K. Vaughan. Vaughan, a comic book writer whose resume includes Y: The Last Man, and Ex Machina, was hired after the floozy of Season 2 as an “executive story editor.” It was his job to make sure that with Season 3, the writers knew where they were going, and that all loose ends would be tied up. Now, here at the tail of end Season 3, it can be seen that Mr. Vaughan was worth whatever ABC paid him. To avoid any spoilers, let me just say that Lost’s weekto-week storytelling has returned to the fresh state of its early days. By focusing on smaller stories first, dealing with them individually, then incorporating them into a larger unified story arch, the show has been able to retain its mystery while remaining linear. In short, it feels like the writers know what is happening on the island, and they are working to bring the audience along in baby steps. With only a couple of episodes left this season, the show is on the verge of something huge, as America waits not-so-patiently on their couches and in front of their TV screens to scream and applaud in unison when it is revealed...that the island is actually HELL! Shhhhhuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaa-DUN! -By Darren Davis
Illustration by Steven Carey
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7 May 2007
beer
Oh...OH NO WAY! T here are only a few things on TV that can make me physically sick: The View, My Super Sweet Sixteen, and now, Scarred. When I first saw the initial commercials for MTV’s new shock reality show I was skeptical to say the least. I thought they would have a couple clips of guys rolling ankles, or knocking out a few teeth and then crying about it. Instead what they have created is the most horrifying new show since, well, maybe ever. Never before has there been something on TV that so vividly recreates and documents what pain truly is. I used to think that I had dealt with some pretty tough slams in my day, but now I just feel like a huge pussy. I’ve fractured my shin on multiple occasions, broken a rib, dislocated my shoulder a few times, add in a couple concussions, and I’m almost positive I’ve broken every one of my fingers by now; what they are showing on Scarred makes me feel like I’ve never felt real pain. If you still aren’t convinced, allow me to try and describe what is shown every week on this gore-fest. A skater, maybe sixteen or seventeen years of age, thought that an absolutely ridiculous 9 flat 9 stair would be a great idea. Only four days after getting sponsored, and already feeling the pressure to get a shot or two, the madman decided it was go-time. After one or two runups to check the speed, said skater went for it, and needless to say it looked bad before he even aired over the flat. Landing about six stairs short of
pull up a stool
Review of Scarred
where he would have needed to, his leading ankle took the entire weight of his body being hurled down the set of stairs, breaking off from his leg completely. Screams from not only the skater, but also those who were filming. These screams couldn’t even come close to making you feel the pain he was feeling, but the horribly graphic shot of his ankle? A compound fracture with a bone popping through his shoe so bad that a puddle of blood instantly pooled up on the concrete; yeah. And that’s just one of the hundreds of absolutely insane crashes they have from almost every spectrum of action sports. But lucky us, the filmers never stop doing their jobs, and thus, Scarred was born. It doesn’t just stop with skaters with compound fractures. BMX guys splitting their shins open so wide that you can see bone, or a freestyle rollerblader jumping forty feet down only to land directly on his dome, or a skier that ends up with both of his ankles turned completely backwards, this show has something for everyone. I swear to you, if you have ever landed on your tailbone snowboarding or skating and complained about it to your friends and family for weeks, or got a bump on your head that really really hurt, you have an obligation to watch this show. After you watch just one episode of Scarred, you will never complain about a hangnail again, because after all, it doesn’t have gushing blood, or a bone popping out of it, right?
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-By Ryan Kobane
with jeff gould
Mateveza Yerba Mate Ale Mateveza (say it “mah tay ves ah”) was conceived of in much the same way as I assume delicacies like shepherd’s pie, fried Snickers, and the KFC famous bowl found their way into being (“I like A, and I like B; how could I go wrong if I mixed A with B to create a superfood!?”). Fortunately Mateveza creator, Jim Woods, happened to like two things that compliment each other almost perfectly: beer and highly stimulating (see: caffeine) mud-colored beverages from South America. I am known to friends and family alike for being, as an alcoholic, incredibly picky about what I drink (aka: a beer snob), so when I was given a chance to sample this otherwise classic American Pale Ale, I was more than a little skeptical. After going a few rounds with Mateveza, I have to say that it found itself a permanent place in my beer fridge; the citrus aroma and taste of the prominent, but not overpowering cascade hops are complimented perfectly by the slight but distinctly mate smoky bitterness that finishes each sip of this well balanced pale ale. Bottom line, if you like beer, you’ll probably like this beer; it’s easy to drink and comes with the added benefit of packing a nice little caffeine punch (thanks to the mate) to help counteract the sleepiness that one normally experiences during a night of drinking beer. Come to think of it, Mateveza is probably the perfect study companion to help get you through finals week. Do yourself a favor and head down to BevMo and pick yourself up a few bottles… unless you’re in the dorms... in which case, sorry for teasing you. Enjoy sobriety… suckers! www.mateveza.com
HORSE RACING
$1 HOT DOGS & BEERS
★
ShowShow. Listen With Your Ears. Hurt With Your Heart.
THE NIGHT TIME COMES ALIVE.
MAY 11
Super Diamond
MAY 18
Dramarama
MAY 25
A Flock of Seagulls with When in Rome
JUNE 1
Common Sense
JUNE 8
Steel Pulse
JUNE 15
Led Zepagain
JUNE 22
The Samples
JUNE 29
TBD
JULY 6
Big Head Todd and the Monsters
JULY 13
The Smithereens
FA N TA S T I C C O N C E RT S AT H O L LY W O O D PA R K POST TIMES: Wed., Thurs., Sat., Sun. — 12:30 p.m.; Friday Nights — 7:05 p.m. 1050 S. Prairie Avenue, Inglewood, CA • (310) 419-1549 • www.hollywoodpark.com
Concert begins immediately following the races. ★ $1 beer served from 7:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.
7 May 2007 4.30-LBUnion-SuperDiamAd.indd
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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4/26/07 10:36:42 AM
ably be recieving one of those lightbrite scholarships or something because I’ve read so many books that I could probably write one! BUT IT WOULDN’T MATTER BECAUSE IT’S ALL BEEN DONE BEFORE! Maybe I could do an audio book though... I’m pretty good at sound effects... BLARFGNKD! see? no... you don’t see... because you couldn’t hear me say that with my mouth... you only heard me type it... or... saw me... WHATEVER IT WAS FANTASTIC–YOU MISSED OUT... BECAUSE YOU MADE THE MISTAKE OF READING! Do you see now how reading can be detrimental to your enjoyment of life? or... at least your enjoyment of me. I am NO FUN when
This Week:NOTHING!
L
ook... Lit-man Mike gave me this one book to read and I thought it would be all rad because it was called The Divine Comedy, which naturally made me assume that it was a funny book written about that crazy fat lady from the 80’s that wore too much makeup... NO, IT WASN’T A COMEDY EVEN! and it sure as puppies wasn’t about Divine... she was hot for a fat chick... Oh anyway. I got like 20 words into the first part (The Infurnace or something like that...) and realized IT WAS THE SAME CRAP THAT I’VE BEEN READING FOR THE LAST YEAR!! ohhh some guy is walking through a forest and writing all of his words out of order so he sounds smart... GREAT! you know what this reminds me of? THE BIBLE, or that one Towel Tee Chingy book that I read... or Jello with no whip cream (aka, lame). Then I realized... I HAVE READ EVERYTHING WORTH READING! That’s right... I’ve done it.... I should prob-
you are reading... which is sad, because otherwise I am like... so fetch! (yeah, I’m trying to help out that chick from Mean Girls with making that word popular... she’s so fetch... especially her boobies) ANYHOW... back to the point... Seriously... I’ve read everything... and I’m not going to lie... I feel like... way smarter now... because now I DONT HAVE TO EVER READ ANYTHING AGAIN! So this week I’m reviewing nothing... and let me tell you... nothing is WAY BETTER THAN BOOKS! So that was it... Nothing gets my highest rating of 8 cheezburgers (u can haz cheezburgers?)... Nothing should be pretty honored. Party. So... As I will never be reading again, make sure not to e-mail me or AIM me... If you want to give me that lightbrite scholarship you can call me at the office... I’m sure I could think of something to “write” about for my forthcoming audiobook.
Ryan White: My Own Story By Ryan White & Ann Marie Cunningham Signet Books 352 Pages $7.99 Reviewed By Patricia Alonzo
I read this book for the first time about five years ago, and it’s still great today. If you are more into biographies or autobiographies you will love it too, and if you’re not then you should still give it a try. This story is about a boy named Ryan (hence the title of the book) who has hemophilia, a condition that reduces the ability of blood to clot when bleeding. The lightest injury for him can be life threatening. At age 13, due do several tainted blood transfusions for his condition, it was discovered that he had contracted AIDS. Unfortunately this was in the late 70s early 80s, when people where still not educated about AIDS, which created many hardships for Ryan. He was harassed daily and often, even though he was just a kid. His school expelled him, and denied him the right to return, because of his condition. Still, he was strong, with a lot of courage, and he did not give up easily. He took his school to court and won, demanding to be let into his old school just
like any other regular kid. He stepped up and tried to educate people about his condition, spoke out against the many misconceptions about the disease, and expected that people with AIDS be treated with compassion. With all his hardship, and without knowing, Ryan became a celebrity. He attended schools and fundraisers, became a spokesman, and dealt with the press on a somewhat regular basis. He met many celebrities and made friends with people like Michael Jackson and Elton John. Still, he never let it go to his head, being modest and even shy he always tried to be normal, which was never easy due to his condition. His disease got harder and harder for him to deal with, more daily pain and less days where he could forget he was sick. In 1990, at the age of 18, Ryan died. His disease was too much and too strong for his body to handle anymore. His life, even though painful and hard, was a great testament to the difference a person can make for many. He was a courageous young man and a role model. His life was short and limited but he was able to accomplish things that some people would not be able to in a whole lifetime. In this book Ryan remembers and shares his personal experiences both good and bad. Telling of all his struggles and triumphs with his disease, his family, and his life in general, its a wonderful book with a great inspirational story, that definitely makes one think about life. I mean, what would you do if your life here on Earth was limited to only a couple more years?
Louis L’Amour
The Collected Short Stories Each story is crafted with care and precision. Sitting down for a quick read you soon find yourself consuming page after page with gluttonous fervor, relishing every moment. The advantage of this vast collection of prose is that after you’ve read them all you can start back at the beginning and start reading them all over again. To look upon the face of one of L’Amour’s heroes is to look upon the face of them all; they are the idealized gunslinger, who rides a hard road but has the heart and spirit to stand up for justice in lawless times. It is this vision of humanity that inspires hope and lifts up even the most downtrodden souls. As awe-inspiring as his protagonists are, they would be nothing without the unjust to oppose them. Only L’Amour could craft heartless greedy tyrannical characters you can’t help but loathe with every fiber of your being. It is these gunslingers that we follow from page to page, watching and waiting for that moment when the law of the land is enforced with cold steel and hot lead.
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Bantam Books 450 Pages $22.00 Reviewed By Philip Vargas
The captivating writing style of L’Amour will hold even the most apathetic reader spellbound after reading the first few sentences. L’Amour has a way of capturing the essence of the Old West in every aspect resulting in an atmosphere that is almost palpable to the mind’s eye. Whether you are a fan of the western genre or merely a wandering soul who happens to cross this book by chance, you won’t be disappointed by what you’ll find waiting for you locked inside every priceless page.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7 May 2007
[Creative Arts] Poem by Jared Kenelm Collins Illustration by Jimmy Dinh
An egret awaits my arrival towering by the hill, gateway to the shore. White wings spread true to cast the egret soaring My wheels spin and blur. Turn fierce! Into the wind pedal against! The billowing sands sting the eyes and bite the feet. Why, oh why? Cruel world indeed The drive to write, no, the need! Cacoethes scribendi, the urge Experience craved! More to fill the void in mind to rouse the soul. Embellish! Elaborate! Observe the light! Pouring downward, heaven sent Godspeed! The wind o’er land Flowing with sand, and true! Sharp streams reflect the weary blue No rhyme! Sandblasted walls cry out in agony, where dunes spring up from change now born, so true. Sand stings the eyes Sandblasts the face and feet The wind! So strong where bends Compulsion - must write! Embrace the beauty, squeeze it Clear from pain and dirt The eyes! sting so, turn with the wind Turn back, break free, the wheels whir. Now with the wind! the sand flows true The blue sky sings, whistling love Wheels whir and waves crescendo The sands flow forth in harmony And your head explodes at the sight. The urge to write – such cruel affliction Explodes in light! the mind retreats Fingers dance on silver keyboard And all barriers within…dissolve.
7 May 2007
Story By Philip Vargas
At first, it wasn’t a big deal. Every week or so I would swing by and browse over whatever was new and pick up one or two things that tickled my fancy. Then it started to get more frequent. By the time I finally realized what was happening it was too late. By the end, it had gotten to the point where I couldn’t go a day without getting a fix. Whenever I would get a new one I would crack it open, run my fingers over its slick surface and stick it in. I could hardly tear my eyes away as the shapes and colors dancing before my eyes held me in their snare for hours on end. My thirst had become so great that on any given day I would find myself on my hands and knees, buried in debt, scrounging for any stray change that might bring me closer to my next fix. When my friends and family could stand idly by no longer, that’s when things began to change. I’ve gone six months now without indulging in my addiction but I can still feel the itch under my skin. I walk by a video store and can hear all those precious DVDs calling out to me, serenading me with their digital call. Now that I think about it, one more won’t hurt. I mean it’s just a DVD.
it’s an itch it’s a scratch and a twitch feeding rash biting nails twirling hair fidget here fidget there spun-stiff flutterthoughts whisking faster chewed hands can’t scuff it out get it out can’t get out of my skin scatterbrain jitterbug sporadic spasm grinding teeth cantankerous fits hasty blinking boorish ogles and oodles buzzing pupils studying every last crumb my a.d.d. javaddiction’s killing me
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Poem by Katie Prow
Illustration by Andrew Wilson
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[Comics]
Crayon Box By David Faulk
Koo-koo and Luke By Jessie Blake
Crayon Box By David Faulk
Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman
Disgruntled Editor By MB3
Across 1- Explosive weapon 5- Blackbird 9- Leash 14- On the ocean 15- Neighborhood 16- Smell, usually a pleasant one 17- Strip of wood
18- Mistress 19- Yielded 20- Short-tempered person 22- Sieves 24- Measured with a watch 26- Long-tailed rodent 27- Deceive 30- Concluding section
35- Sun-dried brick 36- Look at lustfully 37- Knitting stitch 38- Small cavity in a rock 39- Go back 42- Bit 43- Desktop picture 45- Member of a largely Middle Eastern people
46- Sensation provided by buds on the tongue 48- Merited 50- Person who saws 51- Driving peg 52- Overjoy 54- Boundless 58- Blind 62- Letter cross-line 63- Baht spender 65- Small purse 66- Up 67- Acquire through merit 68- Agitated state 69- Speak 70- Chinese secret society 71- Fill to surfeit Down 1- Beat up 2- Capital of Norway 3- Flesh 4- Tub to bathe in 5- Title for a woman 6- Eat away 7- Latin king 8- Puts down 9- Of religious rites 10- Canopy site 11- Got on 12- Traditional prayer ending
13- Cushions 21- Bird that gets you down 23- Weeps 25- Debase 27- Second king of Israel 28- Draw out 29- Company emblems 31- Commoner 32- Courageous 33- Salt of uric acid 34- Born before, senior churchman 36- Barbarous person 40- Roof overhangs 41- Declare 44- Reticular 47- Unimpressed 49- Marijuana cigarette 50- Proverb 53- Get to know 54- Name of Isaac’s eldest son in the Bible 55- Salamander 56- “Darn!” 57- Let it stand 59- Gas burner or Sicilian volcano 60- Interview-wear 61- Web locale 64- Ten of these equal one dong in Vietnam
Medium
Hard
Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
7 May 2007
[Comics] You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
How to Play Sudoku
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution that can be reached logically without guessing. Enter the numbers 1 to 9 into the blank boxes. Each row must have one of each digit. So must every column, and every 3x3 square. Check each row, column and square and use the process of elimination to solve the puzzle. Medium
7 May 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Hard
15
VOLUME 60
GRUNION.LBUNION.COM
ISSUE 14
Middle-Aged House Cat Discovers Joy of Masturbation
Plans Already In Works To Trade Ms. Hilton’s Snatch For A Carton of Cigarettes
YOU’LL MISS IT
Headlines
Speed Racer Faces Big Trouble At The Big Race This Saturday With Lots Of Big Dangers Ahh!! By Father McKenzie
GRUNION SLEEPWALKER
C Racer X: Honestly, Anime is a pile of steamy shit and deserves to be tentacle-fucked to death.
Heroic Babies Traverse Ham Mountain
ats. Love them or hate them, they’re as much a part of CSULB’s identity as the ‘Myd, or that weird water tower thing. If you’ve been going to school here for longer than a week, you’ve seen them, while you were walking by the SPA building, dropping off nasty porn at the Recycling Center. You’ve heard them fighting, lying in heat, or taking lunch money off a freshman. Until now, our glimpses into their world have been superficial. Sociology Major Stephaun Higa’s new documentary, Cats!, is about to change all that.
Cats! In Their Home
At The Mountains of Madness: Speaking of tentacles...
Area Man Unable To Properly Explain The Degree To Which His Throat Is Scratchy
Higa’s revolutionary Cat!Cam, a small camera taped to the back of a cat’s neck, allowed him unprecedented access to the Cat!acombs, the name he’s given to the vast network of cat nests that line our campus. “Many people think that a cat society is completely without order, that it’s all catnip dens and furry orgies,” Higa says. “That’s all true, except that there’s actually a well-defined hierarchy behind those bushes, ruled by a fat tabby I’ve named King Kitty Cat. He gets first crack at all the females, and is paid a two-rat-a-month tribute by the males.
GRUNION NESTING DAHL
President Bush Seals Hole In O-Zone With Hour-Long Bike Ride
All In A Day’s Non-Work: Seriously, cycling is a fun and healthy way to make the planet a nicer place to live and we should all follow the President’s example!! Jesus saves!!
Cats! In the Classroom
Many students don’t realize that they aren’t the only ones taking advantage of the educational opportunities offered by CSULB. Cats actually account for 17% of enrolled students, and make up a full 50% of students who attend classes. They have their own department, Cat Studies, taught and attended entirely by cats, with the goals of increasing cat awareness and spreading the cat message across campus. They get the word out about classes with a series of intricate scratches and feces placement. Higa says they’ll even be directing and starring in a brand new adaptation of the classic Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, Jesus Christ Superstar. Cats have insinuated themselves into nearly every avenue of student life, from their religious group, the Cat Crusade for Christ the Cat, to their special gradua-
tion ceremony, Cat!Grad. The parties they throw weekly at Cat!Frat have become legendary among the hip crowd.
Cats! Pulling the Strings
Most students probably wouldn’t mind sitting next to a cat in class, but they’d probably be stunned by the numerous administrative positions held by our feline friends. Higa discovered a shocking discovery in the course of filming his film. “There are three dozen professors named Dr. Katz at this university. Not one of them is human. They are all actually tenured cats, stacked one uponst another. Ironically, they usually receive higher scores on their evaluation than the average ‘human’ professor, especially in the Journalism Department.” There are also rumors of influence in the highest of high offices, as Higa has uncovered some disturbing ties to the cat world in President F. “Cat!” King’s administration.
Cats! In Your Heart
These cats are as important a resource for this school as the President’s Scholar program. If you see a hungry cat, feed it. If you see a horny cat, satisfy it. Be kind to them, and we will be kind to you. I mean they. They will be kind to you. Mrkgnao.
Campus Organizations Unite to Fight Real Problem: Gypsies, Witches By The Nothing
Perhaps He’d Best Express His Condition By Saying That His Throat is Gravely: Perhaps...
He’s kind of like the Godfather. Except, you know, he’s a cat.” Higa’s amazing technology also uncovered secret meetings with dog informants, and the incredible presence of dozens and dozens of cat-eye leve mirrors, so that the little furry creatures can admire themselves before they start their day. As amazing as all that is, Higa’s mostest amazing discoveries weren’t under the Cat!canopy.
Last week several campus groups, including The Gay and Lesbian Legion, The Misunderstood Minority Minion, The Distinguished Disgruntled Greek Alliance, and Women joined together to speak out against the growing number of gypsies on the Long Beach State campus. Currently there are over 300 gypsies residing on the campus, and early studies show that that number will grow to 7,006 by the end of 2008. “Students pretend that it isn’t a problem, but we know better,” said Black Studies Major Kiera Dunn. “They walk by their stands of wares for sale, and buy their handmade bags without understanding the threat these gypsies pose to our beautiful campus,” she added. While the campus currently allows gypsies to set up tents under the “small business for small people clause,” many campus groups are now claiming such liberties may be giving off the wrong impression. Percival Davis, founder and current treasurer of the GLL said, “You give these people an inch and they take over your whole lawn.
I’ve seen it happen!” When asked why the gypsies were such a negative addition to the campus Davis answered, “Listen, these people have no homes but the ones they weave out of hemp. That kind of behavior can only lead to an even fouler menace: witches.” These campus radicals have been met with some opposition, particularly the Students for the Rights of Gypsies who claim, “Everyone has a right to sell wares and steal other peoples’ identities. It’s a part of our national mythos. Students who think otherwise will change their mind sooner or later, they’ll have to, and if you could please pass me that eye of newt to your left.” However, a survey of CSULB students showed massive support for the removal of the two threats. “Can you imagine 7,000–sorry, 7,006 gypsies on campus? That’s just unsafe,” said Biology Major Steve Bearett. “You wouldn’t be able to walk alone to your car and feel perfectly safe anymore. That’s when you really have a problem.” When asked how he felt about the possibility of witches invading the campus, Bearett added, “I would be so scared I might shit my pants, literally.” He was then asked if he would really shit his pants, an-
Barbara Streisand (above) is genuinely concerned about our campus-wide crisis, buckets of water.
swering, “No, literally, not really.” This Thursday marks the first annual “Send the Gypsies to Poughkeepsie Rally,” which will take place in the Quad at 3pm. All participants are invited to bring a sack lunch and a foam baseball bat (the bats shall be explained upon arrival). For more information about gypsy-witch campus invasion visit www.gypsymoon.com.
Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And like that man that died on the cross we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, Sweetheart!