[Issue 60.15] There Must Be Something in the Water Letter from the Editor
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n my first Letter from the Editor back in late August (Volume 59, Issue 1), I told an anecdote about a man who approached me out of the blue during my first semester here. He told me about how CSULB is a lot like Disneyland; that it was artificial. He was older, maybe late-twenties, wore a heavy five o’clock shadow that bordered on a beard, and his eyes were dark. But he was serious, and he spoke with conviction in his voice. I never forgot what he said, and I used his words as the lens through which I viewed the campus. Suddenly, I saw the bustling throngs of midday students that gave the campus a pulse turn into lifeless shadows on the weekends. When I tried my hand at our “best” academic programs (or what I was told were our finest programs – like Business, Journalism, and Film) I found that none of them seemed to offer a complete education – they were paint-by-number degrees. Take a dab of 101, add a broad stroke of upper divisions, and voila! you’ve got yourself a generic degree. Oh, and painting outside the lines was strictly forbidden. I kept looking for places where the “artificial” stigma didn’t stick, but even the president of the university seemed like a robot. I mean honestly, is there anyone that can give me one other reason as to how Robert Maxson remembered every single student’s name? Then, as I’ve said one thousand times before, I found the Union Weekly. I saw an ad offering up free CDs in exchange for CD reviews, and as a poor college student, it was impossible not to jump at the opportunity. I was given an album to review and I ended up giving the Union the next four years of my life in return. A pretty fair trade, I’d say. I continued looking for the soul of the campus, for undeniable proof that there was something of worth underneath the polished exterior. With the Union’s help, I was able to see how things worked behind-thescenes, for lack of a better term. I’ve seen how our administration works; I’ve seen how our student government and organizations work; I’ve met professors who truly want to teach students. And with all the things I’ve seen, all I can say is that I’m disappointed in the students more than anything else.
We’re a school mostly filled with spoiled brats; people who are so used to having things handed to them that when something, anything, is asked of them, they respond with absolute disdain. Apathy far outweighs spirit on this campus, and while I don’t want to be that cynical and jaded guy that tells you that you’re living in Disneyland, I can’t help myself. You’re living in Disneyland, folks. This is college for fuck’s sake! We are here to better ourselves for and with the people around us, and to attempt to learn the rules of civility. But not all of that can be learned inside the classroom, and the students who leave campus each day as soon as their last class gets out are missing out on the multitudes of opportunities this campus offers. Going to college gives you the opportunity to try and do all the things you’ve always wanted to do but were too afraid to attempt. It allows you to try and to fail. It allows you to find what works. It allows you to realize early on in the game what you are capable of. It’s hard, and it’s stressful, and it sure as hell doesn’t get any easier after you graduate. Just ask anyone from Student Life and Development, and they’ll tell you they have no idea why students don’t take advantage of their services. Ask anyone from the AS government, and they’ll tell you they have no idea why students don’t play a more active role in the politics that directly affect them. Ask someone from student media, and they’ll tell you they have no idea why students, who claim to want to work in media, don’t take advantage of the amazing media services this school offers them. Knowing that this university had so much wasted potential puts a bad taste in my mouth. When I think of CSULB, I’m going to remember this taste – it’s that kind of metallic, bitter taste you get from drinking from a water fountain whose pipes are rusting from the inside out. It’s not particularly a bad thing, it’s just, well, not how I want to remember my five years in college. Or maybe I’m just overreacting to the harsh reality that I am writing my last article for the Union – the publication that made me feel like I was a part of something of substance on a campus that seemed otherwise artificial.
–Brian Dunning brian@lbunion.com
By Katie Wynne
These are my last predictions as Moon Editor of the Union Weekly. As I am not sure whether next year’s staff will continue the tradition, I would like to leave you all with some long-term readings that I came upon last night while wishing on a shooting moonbeam-star-sunshine-dream-droplet.
*** Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21)
After reuniting with your first grade teacher the two of you are voted “Best New Couple.”
Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Life is going to be good to you until you visit Cambodia and are voted “Most Likely to Die in a Chicken Fight.” DON’T VISIT CAMBODIA.
Was Selfish Enough to Levitate From the Disaster Without Helping Anyone.”
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22)
Eventually you will curb your fear of commitment and be voted “Most Likely to Re-Marry Twice.”
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21)
When you go to your high school reunion you will realize that you are the most successful, best looking, and most intelligent person there (this may be due to the fact that everyone else in you graduating class declined to show because they had better things to do.)
Capricorn (Dec 22. - Jan. 20)
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You will take a menial job at an average company and make a substandard wage. At that point you will be voted “Most Disappointing” by me.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
There is hope for you yet when your cute elderly neighbors vote you “Most Likely to Drive Mr. and Mrs. Gladinham During Gray Hour.”
Hot People Magazine will vote you “Best Personality” in 2010.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19)
Following five years of happy marriage, you will be voted “Most Likely to Get The Fuck Out!” by your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Tough luck.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
Once you return home from work on August 16th, 2016 you will be voted “Best Radioactive Eyes.” I guess it was a good idea to fall into that pit of acid after picking up your dry cleaning.
Hey you. Listen, I don’t want you to worry about your future. Unlike these other signs, you’ve got “it.” You won’t need to worry about money, or fame, love or happiness. In fact, those things need to worry about you. They won’t see it coming when you stroll into Destinyville, population you. Congrats kid, you’ll not only finish, you’re going to win this race.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23)
Aries (Mar. 21 - April 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23)
You will be voted “Most Improved” by your levitation trainer in 2020. However, following the great flood of 2021 you are also voted “Last Dry American Who
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Moon Editor
You are voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in twenty years by your AA sponsor.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Brian J. Dunning Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Gould Mike Guardabascio Managing Editors Katie Wynne Associate Editor / PR Director Ryan Kobane Business Manager Ryan Kobane News Director Erin Hickey Opinions Editor JJ Fiddler Sports Editor Matt Byrd Comics Editor Philip Vargas Creative Arts Editor Fancy Lash Grunion Editor
brian@lbunion.com jeff@lbunion.com mikeg@lbunion.com katie@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com fiddler@lbunion.com byrd@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com fancylash@lbunion.com
Katie Wynne Intune Director Mike Guardabascio Literature Editor Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Matt Dupree Music Editor Sean Boulger Calendar Editor Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Mike Guardabascio Shar Higa Katie Wynne Copy Editors Brian Dunning Ryan Kobane Advertising Representatives Brian Dunning Jeff Gould Graphic Design
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sales@lbunion.com
Shar Higa On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution Michaël Veremans Foreign Correspondent Miles Lemaire, Dominic McDonald, Chris Barrett, Vincent Girimonte, Dylan Little, Ryan ZumMallen, Katy Thomas, Katie Reinman, Kathy Miranda, Andrew Wilson, Victor! Perfecto, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Pete Olsen, James Kislingbury, Derek Crossley, Darren Davis, Jimmy Dinh, Drew Evans, Steven Carey, David Faulk, Christopher Troutman, Alan Passman, Marcus Bockman, Jared Kenelm Collins, Annalisa Brizuela, Adrienne Newell, Cecilia Orozco, Charlene Galicia, Benjamin Zitney, Jennifer Schwartz
Contributors
Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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14 May 2007
News
CSULB Psych Day Gives Students Opportunity to Network
NEWS You Don’t Know
But Should
Lavender Grad: A New Tradition
Contributing Writer
I would like them [students] to walk away thinking people can do important and interesting research at Cal State Long Beach.
-Elliot Chin, 22 Psychology Major
Elliot Chin, 22, undergraduate Psychology major, Chemistry and Biology minor, was a part of a team presenting one of the 38 research projects on display. His group studied the correlation between the amount of drinking and severity of resulting hangover in those with ADHD disorder. “There’s a very large volume of very high quality things today,” said Dr. Dale Jorgenson of the Psychology Department, concerning all the projects. He noted a considerable increase in the amount and caliber of projects presented in recent years. Chin spoke of the stereotype that only UC schools were able to do important research. He was especially excited about the potential effect of Psych Day on the CSULB Psychology Department student morale. “I would like them [students] to walk away thinking people can do important and interesting research at Cal State Long Beach.”
Union Staffer
It’s Hard Out Here For a Chimp
By Marcus Bockman Free chili, chips, pizza—and research projects—were presented at the 35th Annual Psych Day, May 10th, at the Psychology building quad. While the free food was picked over in about an hour, a quick, midday snapshot of the event showed the excitement of research, networking, and general awareness of psychology remained strong. Dr. Courtney Ahrens, faculty member and a coordinator of the event was excited about the keynote speaker later on at 4:00pm. “It’s great to have someone that is well known come and speak,” Dr. Ahrens said of Elizabeth Loftus. Loftus is a renowned psychologist that our university has been hoping to have speak for years. While many were looking forward to Loftus, not everyone was completely focused on her. “I’m looking forward to human factors,” said Lizette Duran, 21, undergraduate Psychology major. Human factors is an emerging facet of psychology that is a “mix of engineering and psychology at the same time,” according to Duran. “I wish they had promoted [Psych Day] more,” Duran said, as she considered Psychology Day “extremely important—it gives the students a lot more ability to understand psychology as a major.” However, she was overall very positive about the event, noting the networking potential.
By Chris Barrett
Photos By Ryan Kobane
Benny Lemaster (center) and Jeff Spafford (right) present Dr. Kirstyn Chun the “Ally of the Year” award at CSULB’s first ever Lavender Grad on Saturday. (Below) Members of Delta Lambda Phi and other Lavender Grad Allies.
After months of planning and preparation, overcoming conflict and oppression, Lavender Grad finally happened, and its here to stay.
By Ryan Kobane
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News Director
new tradition was born on Saturday at CSULB; one of hope, courage, and optimism. The inaugural Lavender Graduation, put on by LGBT, honored Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Intersex, Queer, and all Allies who wanted to participate in the ceremony on the Central Plant of campus. Just like any other graduation, there were anxious students lined up, balloons hanging from chairs, airplanes flying overhead, point and shoot camera wielding parents lathered up with sunscreen, and handshakes, lots of handshakes. But that’s where the similarities end, and the Lavender Grad begins. The generic focus of moving on, and promising careers for all graduates was instead replaced by moving speeches by Dr. Kristyn Chun, Faculty Advisor and LGBT Resource Center member, along with many other speakers, all of whom opted to encourage growth as individuals and spiritual development. “I’m ecstatic,” said Jeff Spafford, 22, Cochair of Lavender Grad. “It was a vision we all had, and to see it actually happen... I can’t explain how I feel other than ecstatic.” The word “ally” was referenced on numerous occasions during the ceremony. Not only
are members of LGBT and family considered allies, but anyone who supports or supported anyone that participated in Lavender Grad. “It was beyond anything we could have imagined,” said Benny Lemaster, 26. “We already have twenty-six people signed up to celebrate with us next year; we’re hoping it will be much bigger next year now that people know we are going to stick around.” Lavender Grad wasn’t just a day for families, friends, and loved ones to celebrate the amazing accomplishment of earning a degree, but it was a day for those who face oppression on a daily basis to celebrate their individuality together. Questions? Comments? Ryan Kobane can be reached at ryan@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
30 Minutes To Clean
Photo By Brendan Burdzinski
Many CSULB students spent 30 minutes of their Saturday morning picking up bottles, cans, trash, and other assorted garbage at Alamitos beach, and some walked away with prizes... YIPEEE.
Austrian Animal rights activists are trying to get a chimpanzee legally declared a person. Efforts began when the animal sanctuary the chimp lived in went bankrupt. Attempts to donate money to the chimp’s aid and provide him with a guardian so he could remain protected by Austria’s animal cruelty laws were thwared because the chimp is not a person and thus can’t legally own property or have a guardian. A recent request for a legal trustee was rejected because the chimp was neither mentally impaired nor in a state of emergency. Though the ruling did not mention that the chimp wasn’t a person, the judge did express concern that awarding the chimp a guardian would imply that animals have the same rights and privileges as humans. The chimp’s supporters haven’t given up yet and they say they won’t until he is granted basic rights such as the right to life and the right to not be tortured. But, with their first court case lost and the slow speed of the legal process, time may be running short, and the chimp’s supporters may not be able to keep the chimp from becoming merely a statistic, joining the 99.9% of chimps who are homeless.
Chivalry Is Dead A recently released report by the Army’s Mental Health Advisory Team has validated a complaint of many international groups opposed to the U.S.’s aggressive military actions, that many US troops don’t observe battlefield ethics. Among the report’s findings were that only 47% of soldiers and 38% of marines felt that noncombatants should be treated with dignity and respect, only 55% of soldiers and 44% of marines said they would report unit members who killed or wounded innocent civilians, 41% of soldiers and 44% of marines said that torture should be allowed under certain circumstances, a third said that they had insulted or cursed at civilians in their presence, and a tenth said they had personally harmed civilians or damaged civilian property when it was not necessary. The report is raising concerns among officials but many experts remain unsurprised, saying combat stress is the problem, not training. To alleviate combat stress the study suggests shortened deployments and longer periods in between deployments. In related news the Pentagon has announced that they will be redeploying 35,000 more troops after shorter-than-expected leave and will be extending deployments from a year to fifteen months.
Mon. 14th Tues. 15th Wed. 16th Thur. 17th Fri. 18th Your Weekend Hi 72° Lo 56° Hi 68° Lo 57° Hi 73° Lo 59° Hi 75° Lo 61° Hi 75° Lo 60° Sunnish Sunnish Sunny Sunny Sunny 14 May 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Hi 74° Lo 61° DINO WEEKEND!
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Opinions
MSA and Beach Hillel: Throwin’ Down By Alan Passman
Wild Wild West By Derek Crossley Union Staffer Writing’s not what started my life of social crime. Oh, no, it came much earlier than that. I’ve always been a storyteller, but it took me ‘til I was in my twenties to take it seriously. What I started out as, was a musician. Well, not quite a “musician” per se, but I played in a lot of bands. It must have been ninety-six when I got my first guitar, and that same year I started my first band. It was horrible, as I’m sure you could imagine, but it was also fun. Then, slowly, as the years went on, I got better and started to put out records, go on tour, and all around enjoy the hell out of my life. One trip, my first U.S. tour, we found our way to Texas, as most tours do. We were with some relatively tough East Coast bands, and we had just pulled into another shitty town in the shittiest state. We loaded in and waited. Which is the routine on tour. Busting-ass on ten, twelve, fourteen-hour drives, to make load-in, then sitting around for hours, searching for vegan food in towns that have never heard of the term, and waiting for kids to (hopefully) show up. There was something about that day, something strange. Everyone was in a bad mood. But it started out alright. Kids showed up in droves, coming in pants and hoodies, mocking the heat. They danced and sweated, slamming their fists into each other. Having the time of their lives. And we provided the soundtrack to the violence. After the show was over and the merch all but sold, we were packing up and getting ready to leave, when half-a-dozen guys rolled up on us. They were covered with scars anyplace that wasn’t already covered in tattoos. Their leader had gold teeth and a wild glint in his eyes. But we weren’t worried. We had numbers on our side. Not to mention a slew of baseball bats, brass knuckles, knives, at least one gun, trailers full of fireworks, and a hatchet tucked inside a pillowcase. Words started to fly back and forth between the two groups, after many a derogatory term was shouted, but this was their town, and they were simple people, with nothing to lose. So, words quickly turned to fists, and the dull thud of skin broke the thick night air. We had a leg or three up on them when I heard the click, then the bang. A large Glock was fired into the air, then pointed in my general direction. I froze. We all froze. Our gun was locked up safely in one of the vans. There is a time to fight and a time to get the fuck away from bullets, and this was definitely the latter. We packed up all we had left, jumped in the van, peeled out, sending dust into the air and sighed a collective breath. Then we heard another shot, and our back window exploded into a fountain of glass. And my dreams of being a gunslinger exploded along with it. Questions? Comments? Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
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T
Union Staffer
he United States, California, Long Beach and more specifically this campus has the benefit of being one of the most diverse places on the face of the planet. We have a little bit of everyone and everything. There are student organizations for most if not all cultural niches that you could possibly imagine, and there should be. Why is it then that we have the level of intolerance that we do? The Right complains that universities are hubs for liberalism, radicalism and general freethinking. Yet when I walk in your average men’s room that happens to feature chalkboards above the urinals or in the stalls, I come face to face with everything from swastikas to slogans like “Koreans go home!!!” or “Fuck illegals!” College has deteriorated into people becoming mindless bigoted drones who are more concerned with getting the right job than actually becoming educated in every sense of the word. You come to university to become a well-rounded individual in the areas of knowledge and experience but we still have these atrocious numbskulls doing these cave paintings, astoundingly. The level of anonymity at this sort of outlet is probably why such stupidity is crudely rendered so openly, but a larger problem is something that special contributor, Alisha Herrick, brought to the attention of the masses with the article “Religious Discrimination Poster Approved By CSULB Student Life and Development.” [Union Weekly Vol 60 No. 13] This outlined the story of a poster for a Christian club that was promoting ridiculously offensive imagery regarding non-Christians, specifically Buddhists. It is extremely asinine that a group would promote such detrimental ideas when it is obviously going to more than ruffle the feathers of others who come to drink at the fount of learning here. Like I previously stated, there are a lot of clubs here on the grounds of Long Beach State but I want to focus on two specifically. There is beef that goes on that most students don’t know and don’t care about. The Muslim Students Association and Beach Hillel, the Jewish youth organization, clash on a regular basis. Not in spirited goodnatured debating fashion about theological differences but about two opposing nations and cultures. The state of Israel and the Palestinians that also inhabit a piece of land smaller than LA County are the focal point of debate, or at least that is the idea. As long as there is a lack of peace then this will continue to happen but since we live a world away from it, it seems to be a veiled smokescreen for anti-Semitism and discord on school grounds. Two weeks ago, Hillel placed stakes around campus promoting Israeli heritage/pride week. Some of them went conspicuously missing, and, mere days later, the MSA strategically
Illustration By Philip Vargas
placed their own-staked flyers directly next Hillel’s with statements like, “Holocaust in the Holy land” and “Terrorist or Terrorized?” This was all in place of Palestinian awareness week to counter act the celebration of the Jewish state. They are perfectly within their rights to make people aware of their events, but I have a problem with issues of blatant effrontery and antagonism. Using language like “apartheid” and more importantly “Holocaust” in reference to the treatment of Palestinians by the Israeli military is overkill. Not to say that innocents aren’t killed and that it isn’t tragic, but the way that this group is bringing awareness to the issue is just tactless. The placement of the adverts and the language it employs is one thing but what they are actually advertising is more problematic. Abdel Malik Ali is a Muslim speaker known for being a blatant anti-Semite and the MSA continually brings him on campus. He has been known to make such clichéd and outlandishly racist statements as claiming that a global Jewish conspiracy exists, that Rupert Murdoch is a Jew (ha!) and that the Jews were behind the Danish political cartoons that featured a graven representation of Allah. Refuting these points, let alone commenting on them any further, would be giving them too much face time with
readers and would essentially do what the author of such ridiculous ideas wants; which is to let the seeds of strife and hatred flourish. Well, I’ve said enough already. Hillel has fruitlessly tried many times to get the plug pulled on this guy, but to no avail, as people pull the First Amendment card. Again, the issue isn’t about stopping the man from speaking his mind but more that student funds are being allocated to someone basically coming to our school to incite intolerance. What both campus groups don’t understand is what the function of this actually is. What is in common is that they are both groups of hyphenated Americans: Jewish-Americans, Muslim-Americans. Instead of blowing up this bridge of commonality; they should be taking and using the learned atmosphere of a college environment to help unify the bonds between these two similar groups of people. Not driving a stake further between the two of them. If there was a sense of solidarity between the MSA and Hillel at most US colleges then this could possibly send a message to the world that it isn’t impossible for a compromise to be made in the land of Milk and Honey. Questions? Comments? Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
Do Your Own Damn Homework, Bitch! By Annalisa Brizuela Union Staffer Race has never been a big issue to me. I’ve never come across any major discrimination and I have (luckily) never been beaten up for having small almond shaped eyes. But, if you were to ask me if I were ever taken advantage of, I would automatically nod my head and blurt out a ‘yes’ with a straight face. For some reason, whenever people meet me, they think I am some sort of child prodigy. Well, I hate to break it to you…but I’m not. I know this makes me look bad, but I’d rather tell the truth than be bugged by you
cheaters and homework freeloaders. People assume that because I am Asian and happen to wear glasses, that I know how to do your taxes or find the cure for cancer. Well here’s a reality check for you ignoramuses: just because I’m Asian does NOT mean I know the answer to every fucking question. If I look as confused as you do in lecture, chances are that I’m not faking that expression. But even after telling you that “I don’t know,” you still insist on studying with me. Now, I don’t have a problem with study groups or having a study partner, but when you say shit-faced phrases such as, “you’re Asian, you should know,” that’s when I stop
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
being so study group friendly. Granted, some stereotypes may fall perfectly into place with some people, some being the operative word in the sentence. And I hate to bring up the old saying, but you all brought it on yourselves—don’t judge a book by its cover. I know it sounds extremely dry and unrealistic in modern day society, but honestly, just because I look like I know how to figure out the derivative of an inverse function, doesn’t mean I actually do. So next time you see me, don’t ask to see my homework, because I will, just like I always have before, give you a straight out, “do your own work, bitch.”
14 May 2007
[Opinions]
Displace Yourself and Learn to Care By Adrienne Newell
“D
Contributor
isplace Me” was an experiment put on by the organization Invisible Children and was meant to simulate what life is like for those living in Northern Uganda’s displaced camps. Seeing what a displaced camp is like from video footage is much different than actually experiencing a far milder version yourself. There was a point in my night when I realized I really was only going to get a row of saltines for dinner…and that’s it. It made me realized how spoiled I am when I caught myself day dreaming about my dinner plans for Le Creperie awaiting me the following night. It all started after I saw the documentary Invisible Children. I am tainted by involuntary female hormones and I will admit to crying on a regular basis when watching Oprah, but I cannot describe the flood of emotion I felt while watch-
ing a young Ugandan boy sob. This was the same boy who kept the most resilient smile on his face almost constantly for the previous footage in the documentary. And it was the same surferlooking American guy behind the lens, sobbing with him. It literally ripped my heart out. The same sentence kept running through my head throughout the film: “I will not forget about them.” And I haven’t. Pulling up to the Pomona Fairgrounds you could see the parking lot was already completely packed with cars donning window paint with “Invisible Children” scrawled across in the windshield and “DISPLACE ME” all in caps. After walking through a tunnel and passing a sign reading, “you are now displaced” I was struck with the sight of mass numbers of voluntarily displaced persons. Everyone was there for the same reason, wearing the same white t-shirt with a red “x,” with the same passion and enthusiasm. It was the first indicator for what seemed to be a common theme
throughout the night; it’s not about Americans helping Ugandans, it’s about humans helping humans. It is about abolishing the lines that separate us and recognizing that we are standing up for our brothers and sisters of the human race. Each speaker throughout the night instilled in me a new vigor to take action and a huge sense of empowerment for the potential change that the youth of America could make. That’s right, I said, “the youth of America.” One of the first things Jason said to the massive sea of people waiting intently on the lawn was, “they say the youth of America doesn’t care…look around…” This event solidified the evolution of what had first started as an almost electrifying guilt trip that turned into bleeding-heart passion, which resulted in prayers taken to action. I wrote to two senators that night and I don’t intend to stop until I see the change that I helped make happen, i.e. verification that “Displace Me” was indeed a day that has changed my life.
I Love LA, but Hate to Pay! By Cecilia Orozco Contributor Sunny skies year round, an ocean breeze and beautiful people are what people expect in Los Angeles, California. For a person who has lived in Los Angeles all my life, it’s not even an option to move to another state. I don’t think I would survive in a dry, hot, mundane desert or through a white, icy winter storm. That’s why, at age 25 I’m still living at home. With the luxury of living in an area where the beach is 15 minutes away comes high rent for a small space. Without a roommate it is almost impossible to live in Los Angeles. It has become a place to live in pure glamour. Having independence is crucial once you get out of college. You don’t want to live at home anymore and you don’t want your parents to
support you. But how feasible is it with the high rent prices and low starting salaries? I am about to graduate from California State University, Long Beach, with a degree in Journalism and an emphasis in public relations, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to move out on my own after I get hired in a entry level position. According to the Wall Street Journal, the average public relations account coordinator makes between $30,000 and $40,000. Not enough to pay for rent, car payment, insurance, food and other expenses. In the 80’s, when my parents were my age, once you turned 18 it was expected that you would move out. Going to school so close to home has made it that much harder and pointless to move out. But now that I am graduating I need to take the next step. The more I look for housing at websites like
Rent.com and Craig’s list, the farther my own place seems to be. The medium household income for someone who lives Los Angeles is $42,667 according to city-data in 2005. It is close to the ocean, but do you have to put half your paycheck towards your rent? The average rent for a 1-bedroom is $883. The thought of moving to Phoenix, AZ isn’t looking like such a bad idea after all. I would be able to afford my dream home there. With the economy constantly climbing, it is hard to make the move to leave home. Becoming independent is very important. Moving out will teach you to be mature, learn about managing your finances and learn about yourself. I will graduate college this May; I am going to try and save some money and move out by September. Sometimes you just have to move out and struggle to find your independence.
Random Rants! On Lamey Spiders: You know what I hate? Fucking spiders. What could be scarier than a species that can be as small as a pinhead or as big as a dinner plate, and can possibly kill you!? What’s worse is that they make creepy string out of their butts so that they can hang out in the middle of the air and attach themselves to your unsuspecting face! You know what that is? It’s fucking evil. If there is such a thing as hell, there is no doubt in my mind that spiders were invented there. A loving god wouldn’t have created something so frightening.
-Jeff Gould
On Weight-Lifting: Why do people think that because you’re a petite girl means that you can’t lift barbells? Every time I go to the gym, the 6’9” 300 something lbs black bald guy scoffs at me lifting weights. Hey man, if a 116 lbs, 4’11” girl can dead lift 110 lbs on a good day and bench press 85 lbs when she feels sexy, shut the hell up! You will forever be the lonely gym rat that masturbates to back issues of Hustler because no woman—let alone gay man—would be caught dead in your arms. Now back the hell off because I’m using the damn mats whether you like it or not.
-Charlene Galicia Upset About Something? Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students). Send your one hundred-word rants to: erin@ lbunion. com and see ‘em in print...next year possibly.
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5
Summer Hot Spots bests of the best
COSTA
RICA LONDON
Our top-five reasons that these are our top-five favorite places in the world.
1. Monkey butlers—for real. Tons and tons of squirrel monkeys fill the surrounding rainforests. 2. Amazingly healthy food. If you stick to shrimp and rice everyday, helped by the 120% humidity, the pounds will just shed from your body. 3. An odd sense of community with people you’ve never met. With a motto like: “We’ll do it tomorrow,” it’s hard not to get along with locals. 4. Tons of iguanas sunning themselves next to you on the beach. Seriously. 5. Every surf spot is a secret spot. At just the right time of day and the right guide to show you around, Costa Rica is a haven for anyone looking to enjoy the surf without the competition.
IRELAND By Brian Dunning
By Katie Wynne
You know: fish, chips, cup‘o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins... LONDON.
By Jeff Gould
You’re going to the Emerald Isle to drink, I have no doubt about that. 1. Dublin in three parts
a. Temple Bar area – Every other establishment is a pub, and every one hates the others. Don’t miss The Brazen Head, Dublin’s oldest pub. Built in the 12th century, it’s like a history tour and an excuse to drink all rolled in to one. b. Guinness Brewery – Enjoy a pint at the top of Dublin’s tallest building overlooking the River Liffey—whose water is as brown as the drink itself. c. Jameson Distillery – A free glass of authentic Irish whiskey. Need I say more?
2. Galway – A small drive across the country from Dublin, (it’s only about 200 miles) is a beautiful city on Ireland’s Western coast. Small shops and pubs throughout.
3. Sober up at the Cliffs of Moher by peering over the edge of a 400 foot sheer cliff. Or watch the IMAX video if you’re a puss.
2. Fish Suppers on the Beach – Rid yourself of all the Fish n’ Chip misconceptions you’ve acquired stateside, and prepare for the most important, enlightening, and delicious moment of your life. Eat your chippy on one of Scotland’s beaches for total bliss. Also, chippy sauce is a must. Vinegar is for heathens. 3. Scotch Whisky – Although warm weather is not ideal for whisky consumption, to visit Scotland without touring a distillery is a bit sacrilegious. If you find the tour to be boring (although I doubt you will), stick it out, and your patience will be rewarded with free samples. I recommend the ancient Oban distillery on the west coast. 4. Golf – Scotland has roughly four million golf courses, so finding a great place to play won’t be difficult. Make sure to play a links style course, though, for an authentic challenge. Enjoy the scenery, and don’t expect to play great in your first bout with Scottish wind. The Old Course at St. Andrews is worth a visit, but playing is very pricey. And remember, there is nothing a Scottish golfer hates more than a slow-playing American. Hit the ball and move. 5. Scottish Pubs – Alas, the best places in the world. Pubs in the big cities are fantastic and a great time, but for an experience that is truly unique to Scotland, head for the countryside and chat with the locals in the village watering hole. You’re guaranteed to meet some new friends. Drink plenty of Belhaven Best.
14 May 2007
CAL BEA
CHES By Ryan Kobane
1. The Tube – What can I say about this marvel of transportation? It’ll take you anywhere you want, no matter how drunk you are, and it’s probably a better place to meet girls than the pub you just left. 2. Pub Culture – London is the alcoholic’s dream! There is never an unacceptable time to nip off to the local for a few pints of bitter, and you’d be hard pressed to not make a friend or two while you’re there. 3. Food – From Fish n’ Chips to the traditional English breakfast, London has some of the best eats you can get your drunk-at-4pm hands on!
1. 1,000 steps, Laguna – Hidden oasis, fun/dangerous beachbreak when it gets big, lackadaisical lifeguards who could care less if you booze, beautiful people, and pretty abundant parking on street.
4. The Hub of Europe – Flights, trains, and buses to anywhere worth going... on the cheap!
2. Zuma, Malibu – Easy going summer lifestyle, Gets crazy good during a big south swell, lots of good food around, little crowd during the week.
5. British Accents – Even the garbage men sound smart when they talk! It’s undeniable, British accents are highly amusing at worst and super hot at best. “You’s a right fit bird, fancy a qui’ li’l shag?”
3. Scripps/Blacks, San Diego – Hard to get to spot that keeps the summer crowds away, okay surf during the summer, but better for high tide skimboarding. 4. Coronado, San Diego – Miles and miles of very clean and empty beaches. Parking can be a pain, but unlimited possibilities on the island. Bring your towel, iPod, and a book.
SCOTLAND
1. Edinburgh – If castles, history, and world-class architecture aren’t your thing, then make sure to attend the world-famous Edinburgh Festival in August. The street performances on The Fringe are a must-see.
SO
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
5. Salt Creek, Laguna Niguel – The summer melting pot for the OC, SD, and LA crowds; people watching at its finest. Creek also offers every imaginable wave, and reasonable metered parking.
By Vince Girimonte
7
Sports
Dunk O’ Da Year
Best Sports Moment O’ The Year? #1 Big West Championship
I attended the Men’s Basketball home opener with a dislocated shoulder. Well, that’s not really true; it was recently dislocated and then…relocated. We were playing some Union football, and I tried to tackle J.J., dislocating my left shoulder in the process (I still made the tackle, Fidds, you puss). Then I had it put back in, and made it back to the office in time to change into my black dress shirt and pants. I couldn’t get the doctors to give me a black sling, but the team prevailed anyway, the first of many home wins I had the pleasure of seeing at the ‘Myd this year. Honestly, even if the first game I’d been to had been the Big West Championship Game, it still would have been one of the best experi-
#2 Florida=Ballin Step One: Drive to Columbus, Ohio in mid-March. Step Two: Find yourself an Ohio State campus bar filled with Buckeyes, and have too many drinks. Step Three: Begin all sentences with, “When Florida beats you guys in the Final Four…” I did this many times, probably too many, and each time I could actually see fire ignite in their eyes. I said it not because I believed it would happen, but because I was on my fourth pitcher of green beer. But it did happen. Florida became the first school in NCAA history to capture both the football and basketball national championships in the same season. Even more incredibly, they
#3 L-T-D
Tomlinson played last season in the NFL at a level far exceeding any of his peers. His performances on the field were phenomenal to a degree that one might not even believe. The question halfway through the season was not “if ” he would pass the touchdown record but “when” and “on what play.” He set personal bests, shattered league records, and led the Chargers to a league best 14-2 record. Although the Chargers went one-and-done in the playoffs, the MVP season from LT needs to be remembered. The numbers speak for themselves: 31 touchdowns. Thirty. One. He didn’t just pass Shaun Alexander’s previous record of 28, he obliterated it. He also set a record by having 8 consecutive multi-TD games. His touchdown contributions are the most blaring, but the exceptionally well-rounded other stats need
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ence of my life. Having ridden every rise and fall with the rest of the Union staff and our fearless leader, aforementioned puss J.J. Fiddler, just made it that much sweeter. The game had everything you could possibly ask for from a sporting event; drama; history; rage; and sweet, sweet victory. It started rockily enough: not the game, but the whole experience. We were almost tossed by some security guards with a rule book and a God complex, before finally the game started, and even they got caught up in the action. Some Cal Poly fans got into our section before comics editor Matt Byrd embarrassed them with his superior dancing skills, I had my feet mashed about a dozen times, and I screamed more expletives in the first half than I did in an entire year of Chargers games. Somehow, they got a basketball game done in all that. Now, the game was great. But, we’ve covered that. We’ve covered the aftermath, too,
but that’s the part I still remember clearly, and that’s the part I’m going to say clinches this as the best sports moment of the year. When that buzzer rang, the whole Union staff in the front row was swept along like we were caught in a rip tide. Moments later we were a part of the swirling mass of humanity that was stomping all over the court. I’ve been a die hard fan of teams that have won championships before, but I’ve never felt more a part of a team’s success than I did in that moment. I started the CSULB Men’s Basketball season at the ‘Myd with a dislocated shoulder, a black dress shirt, and high hopes. I ended it with both arms raised in victory, celebrating on national television with thousands of fellow students. That journey, and that moment, are why the ‘Ship was undeniably the sports moment of the year, on any level, in any league, in any country. ~Mike Guardabascio
defeated the same school in both wins. Completely unprecedented. In January, the Gators defeated the heavily favored Buckeyes on the gridiron. Florida’s offense steamrolled down the field and their defense made the Buckeyes’ o-line look like schoolboy bitches. It was the most convincing ass-whooping I’ve seen in a national championship. This was without a doubt the national sports story of the year. Not only did the Gators take home both titles in 2007, the basketball title was their second straight after returning all five starters from the previous championship team. It was, all at once, a celebration of school pride, a celebration of continued excellence, and a celebration of players returning to school. It was everything right with college sports.
I’m of the school of belief that if a kid is ready to go to the NBA, he should go, regardless of age. The Gators had three, and maybe four players with the opportunity to be lottery picks in 2006. Yet they passed up the dough, and returned as a unit to win another title. For once, in the age of NBA-factories and eighteen-year-old millionaires, an entire team turned down riches for one more run. The Gators played nearly flawless ball in March and April. They squashed UCLA like a seedless grape and exploited Ohio State’s lack of depth to take the title. So I wish I could return to Columbus. To see the defeated faces that looked back at me. My prediction that I never believed in came true, and it made for the best story of the school year. ~Ryan ZumMallen
to be noted. He set a personal best in rushing for 1815 yards and had a career long 85 yard touchdown. He also averaged a solid 5.2 yards per rush. Oh, and of his 348 rushes, 56 receptions, and 3 times attempting passes, he only lost 1 fumble. He is reliable. He is consistent. He is unstoppable. Want to hear some even more freakish career stats? In just 6 seasons, LT already has 9,176 yards. That means he could be breaking the 10,000 yard plateau by midseason. He also already has 100 rushing touchdowns. The minimal time needed to reach such numbers may be startling, but here’s where it gets freaky… literally. 100 rushing touchdowns added to his 11 receiving touchdowns is 111. 111 touchdowns at 6 points a pop means LT has … oh no… he has 666 points. Adding to the impressiveness of breaking the touchdown records was the dignity and class LT maintained in doing so. His selfless attitude towards his teammates, the fans, and
the game should be noted. He will be the first to pass along credit to his offensive line or his lead blocking fullback, Lorenzo Neal. Yet, he’ll shoulder the blame if his team loses. His celebrations after scoring were minimal, drawing comparison to the ever-gracious Barry Sanders. The NFL could use more players exemplifying character like LT to offset the shameful ones. With the most visible stories from the NFL revolving around drug use, criminal charges, and major suspensions, LaDainian Tomlinson represents a class of player that often goes unnoticed: the hard-working team player. He has a chance to become the greatest running back in history by challenging even more records (Eric Dickerson’s 2,105 year perhaps), and I’ll be around next season to keep you posted on him and anything else going on in the NFL. Week one. Thursday, September 6. New Orleans at Indianapolis. Be ready. ~Pete Olsen
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Baron Davis all on Andrei Kirilenko. Was there really any question?
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JJ Fiddler
How many roads must a man walk down? I've written for the Union Weekly for three years, two of them as editor, and now it’s over. This will be my final page and final SFTR, and to be honest with you, I really don’t want to graduate. For the last five years (no snickering, a lot of people go to college for five years) everything I did was in an effort to get out of this place. Now that the end is here, I realize I’m really not ready for the “real world.” A few former staffers and I were talking recently about how much we loved the Union, and how much it sucked that it had to end. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and now I am being forced out by powers completely beyond my control. I want to be in this office forever. I want to be with my friends here, forever. But like everything worth doing, this has to end. Though I won’t ever work on another issue of the Union, my writing, my attitude, and my overall outlook on life— which are all a direct result of this office and these people—will never change. So, in a way, I will be Union forever. I hope I’m so lucky. * * * Trivia: Who leads left-handed hitters under the age of 30 in career home runs? Hint: You'll never guess it. * * * A few sorry excuses for basketball fans have posted upset comments on the Internet about Mike Tirico's reaction to Baron Davis' dunk on Andrei Kirilenko's head (see above.) During the broadcast, Tirico reacted like any living, breathing, basketball fan would, by jumping up and pretty much losing his shit. "OH MAN!!!! OH-HOH-HOHHH!" I say keep it up Mike, I jumped out of my seat, too. * * * 95% of Lakers fans who visit GetGarnett.com want the forward to come to Los Angeles. Not shown: the 100% of Western Conference fans, players, and general managers who don't want to see #21 in Laker purple & gold. As a Laker fan, of course I want KG, but without Odom, Bynum and draft picks in the deal, I don't think it will get done. Continued on next page....
14 May 2007
Provided By LB Sports Info Dept. Woman’s Tennis The 49er women’s tennis team took on a very deep Pepperdine team on Saturday afternoon at the Spalding G. Wathen Tennis Center in Fresno in an NCAA first round match, and fell to the 20th ranked Waves, 4-2. The 49ers concluded their campaign at 17-9. At #1 doubles, the Waves #38-ranked duo of Bianca Dulgheru and Sylvia Kosakowski won 8-6 over the Stephanie Bengson and Katy Williams, as Pepperdine began the day by winning the doubles point. In singles action, the Waves got points two and three quickly with wins at #4 and #6 singles. At the six spot, Anete Bandere defeated Denise Liebschner 6-2, 6-0, while Caroline Raba won 6-0, 6-1 over Weeks at the four spot. Long Beach fought back to win
the next two points as Grady and Williams prevailed. Grady defeated #65-ranked Dulgheru in straight sets at #1 singles, winning 6-2, 6-4. Williams also defeated a nationally-ranked opponent as she won 7-5, 7-6 (5) over #52-ranked Kosakowski at the #2 spot. The Waves got their fourth and final point at #3 singles as Sabate battled back from a set down to defeat Bengson 4-6, 6-2, 6-0. The match at #5 singles between Porsz and Dickes was in the third set with Porsz up 6-7 (6), 6-4, 3-1. Women’s Golf Long Beach State’s Kay Hoey shot a oneunder 70 in Saturday’s third and final round of the 2007 NCAA West Regionals held at Entrada at Snow Canyon in St. George, Utah. Hoey finished tied for 10th place overall with a seven-over 220 (77-73-70). Hoey was the top individual finisher at the tournament and her Top 10 overall finish qualified her for the NCAA Championships. The NCAA Championship finals will be held May 22-25 at the LPGA Legends Golf Course in Daytona Beach, Florida.
Through The Viewfinder By Ryan Kobane Photographer Extraordinaire At first it was just a hobby, and now it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life, at least in some regard. I’ve seen homeruns, alley-ops, and hundreds of kills and digs. I’ve seen fans yell in feverish rants, and cry out of honest sadness. I’ve seen thousands of miles of road, East to West, and everything in between. I’ve seen coaches come and go, new players walk onto courts and fields, as well as familiar faces leave with their heads held high. I’ve seen the stands of the ‘Myd go from empty to full, and Dirtbag games at Blair Field during the night and day.
I’ve seen Superfan with his shirt off in the middle of a melee, and Superfan get kicked out of a baseball game for being, well, Superfan. I’ve seen blood, sweat, and tears. I’ve seen wins and losses, season come and go, and now it’s over. I saw all of this through the lens of a camera, and after each game I wondered, “What would it have looked like on the other side of a lens?” And I think I finally have an answer; different. I wouldn’t change the way I saw anything this year, because it was my perspective, and mine only. I hope you’ve loved the photos on this page as much as I have. I’ll never forget this year, my year through the viewfinder.
14 May 2007
Track & Field Long Beach State’s men’s team could not defend its Big West title, finishing fourth with 146.50 points, while the women were third overall with 115 points. On day two, LBSU had an additional five first place winners, with Brent Gray sweeping the 100 and 200 meter races; Jennifer Onyeagbacko winning the discus, after finishing third in the hammer on Friday; Robert Jennings winning the men’s discus; and the 4x400-meter relay team defending their title with a first place finish. Miia Mobley and Shawn Ellis were both named All-BWC in the triple jump, Patrice White and Jessica Branker finished 2-3 in the 100-meter race. Branker was also an All-BWC performer in the 200meter race, while Alex Goldberg finished second in the 400-meter race and third in the 200-meter dash. The 4x100-meter ralay teams finished second on the women’s side and third in the men’s race. Rodney Hawkins rounded out the list with a third place showing in the triple jump, while Ericka Feazell was second in the 100-meter hurdles.
State Of Next Year’s Union (Sports Page) By Ryan ZumMallen Soon To Be Da Boss Two years ago, there was no Union Weekly sports page. If you read it at all this year, it must have been hard to believe. This year, on a scale of one to ten, the Union Weekly Sports page scored “Epic.” Which is pretty damn good for a scale based on numbers. It was J.J. Fiddler’s vision to produce the page you’re reading right now, and since he stole me away from the clammy grasp of a different campus publication, I’ve made it my mission to help. Now, he’s handed his baby off to me. I owe a lot to that man. Every week he asked me what I wanted to write about, and no matter how stupid it was, he just said, “Go for it.” It launched a lot of opportunities for me, and I love J for that. We did a lot of things this year that only mark the beginning. Full coverage of all campus sports along with features and insight. Interviews with players, coaches, school presidents and athletic directors. We brought you weekly fantasy football tips and covered the Long Beach Grand Prix for the second straight year. We launched a Sports Night podcast that notched thirteen glorious episodes. Kobane rocked the shit with his photos (see Darby, Louis).
Oh, and if you’ve been stranded at sea, we drove to OHIO. We made great strides, because around August we all took a look at each other and said, “You know what? Our sports teams f ’ing rock.” Men’s basketball was great, as was women’s tennis, women’s soccer, baseball and women’s volleyball. The Nugget now hosts pre-game parties and there’s actually some damn electricity on campus before games. There is a lot of passion for sports on this campus. There always has been, but we’re finally starting to tap into it. We want your voice to be heard. Do you have an opinion on a controversial topic? We’d love to have you on the podcast. Are you a diehard follower of a certain campus sport? You’d make a great columnist. I ain’t hard to find, Dunn. If you picked up our page this year and read just one piece that you liked, then it was worth it. If you read just one piece that you didn’t like, then it was really worth it. At least you read. We pour our hearts into these pages and I like to think that it shows. The page developed a life of its own this year, and it’s my job to see that it continues to grow. Maybe, a year from now, I’ll pass it on to you…
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Sports]
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JJ Fiddler ...Continued
Jamele Hill of ESPN.com's Page 2 wrote a piece this week about crying and sports. After she laid down the "rules for crying," she rattled off the top ten crying moments in sports. Micheal Jordan with his first NBA championship trophy. Tiger Woods hugging his father after his record-breaking performance at Agusta. Hill says that this year's NBA playoffs are "the softest I've seen in a long time" with people like Dirk, T-Mac and AK-47 crying after games. She explains that you should not cry when at a press-conference, being traded, or getting hurt, but she goes on to explain the top ten moments. Sports moments I can remember, where and with whom I watched it, and if I cried or not. These sports moments are some of the moments I will remember forever, like when Ali lit the torch in Atlanta. Sport is emotion. That's why we care. Sometimes these emotions spill over and roll down athletes faces, and we should have no problem with it. If you go out there and put your body and mind on the line for your family, friends, and teammates, you have the right to squirt a few tears. Crying is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's articles like Hill's that perpetuate the stereotype that crying isn't manly. Not only is it manly, it's human nature. * * * Trivia Answer: Oakland A's Eric Chavez 216 career home runs * * * So there it is. I take my bow. Thanks to everyone who contributed and read the page this year. To Zummy, Kobane, Pete, Vince, Casey Mike and everyone who went on the Ohio roadie, you guys make this page. And a huge thank you to ASI, Beach Pride, and every single student who stood with the Union at the basketball games, at the 'Myd and in Ohio. With the student section blowing up like it did along with one of the most succesfull men's basketball seasons in recent history, we couldn't have asked for much more. In retrospect, I can think of so many things I wish I would have covered and stories I could have done. But, never fear, Ryan ZumMallen will be taking over next year, and if I know Zummy, he will be covering everything I missed… and more. ‘Cuz the thing about us wise guys is, this hustle never ends. Take care of yourself, and thanks for reading. Questions? Comments? JJ Fiddler can be reached at fiddler@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com
9
There’s fifteen seconds left in the biggest basketball game in 49er history and Jo Ryan Salazar is on the verge of tears. His grey Beach Pride shirt accentuates the fact that he’s drenched in sweat. He is dealing out hugs and high fives to rabid fans inside the Anaheim Convention Center with, or without their consent, and is running at full speed from one end of the cheering section to another, pompoms in tow. Salazar looks like a dog pacing in his cage, waiting to be released. When the buzzer sounds all hell breaks loose. Hundreds of fans from every direction rush the court. Drinks are being thrown in the air, players are jumping up and down, students are hanging from the rims, and Salazar is in the eye of the storm, shirtless, and directly in front of ESPN’s TV camera. “Those were the best two days of my life,” said Salazar, smiling from ear to ear. “I will never forget that moment; I’ll never go through that again as Superfan; it was magical. I almost got trampled but I lived to tell about it.” The name may not ring a lot of bells, but if you utter the name “Superfan” to anyone who has ever been to a 49er sporting event, they will know who you are talking about. He is this university’s soul, its heart, and its spirit; he is Superfan. It doesn’t matter if it’s a water polo match in blazing heat, or a track and field event in the rain; Superfan is there, giving every ounce of his spirit to the team, and most of the fans that surround him as well for that matter. He is mocked by those who have no idea what he means to the university for how absurd he looks dancing up and down the aisles. But what they don’t know is he may quite possibly be the most important fan his campus has ever seen.
Words and Pictures by Ryan Kobane
“Every game is a battle, every season is a war.” “Every game is a battle, every season is a war,” states Salazar with a gaze that lets you know he means everything he is saying. “It’s just a matter of learning from your mistakes when you lose. I tell that to every team… ‘Believe in yourself.’” Webster’s Dictionary defines a fan as somebody who has extreme and sometimes irrational enthusiasms or beliefs, and/or is very enthusiastic about a pastime or hobby. Only partially correct, this definition tends to be misleading when referring to Salazar. At no point is he irrational in his love for CSULB sports; his love is calculated. He knows what needs to be done to win, and is never blind to these facts. His preparation starts days before any given sporting event on campus. Every Monday or Tuesday while sitting at his computer at home, Salazar heads directly to Beachpride.com. As he jots down all of the events that fit into his schedule, he begins to mentally prepare for the week to come. “I prepare accordingly. For example, if there is a tennis match at ten a.m., a women’s water polo match at one, and then men’s volleyball or baseball in the evening, I have to up my energy drinks,” says Salazar. “If I go to one game its one Monster, if it’s two games I have two Red Bulls, if it’s all three it’s Rockstar or Tab, maybe even a combination of the two. I just have to be really energized for it all.” Three games in one day, seven games during the span of a week; no problem. Salazar does all of this without a car. He walks from his home in West Long Beach on Baltic Ave. to PCH and Santa Fe, where he then, depending on the time of the game, either gets onto the 171 route or any of the 90 routes; and that’s just the first stop. Two or three
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stops later, after sometimes over an hour of travel time, Jo is finally on the steps of the Walter Pyramid; and most of the time he is early. “Good ol’ Long Beach Transit, the best 31 bucks I spend every month.”
Serving With Hand and Voice
forts to motivate: a huge notepad that he writes heckles on illegibly, a duo of yellow and black “Beach” flags, and his favorites, the pompoms. His pompoms are going a hundred miles an hour throughout the entire duration of any event he attends. They graze other fans, and obstruct the views of those unlucky few that find themselves situated
“Not since the days of ‘Dangerous Dave’ have I seen somebody support our teams with the amount of passion and enthusiasm that Jo Ryan Salazar shows every night,” said Alan Knipe, Head Men’s Volleyball Coach. “He never misses a match and he never stops supporting the team. His commitment and dedication to Long Beach State sports is second to none.” “Students bring excitement, spirit and atmosphere to an athletic event,” said Vic Cegles, CSULB Athletic Director. “Jo Ryan Salazar is all-conference, all-region and AllAmerican as the sixth man for 49er athletics!!!!!” “In the 10 years I have been on this campus, I have seen some great student fans, but none that can compare to Superfan,” said Chance Decker, Beach Pride Center Coordinator. While it’s clear that Salazar has had a direct affect and influence on almost every 49er athletic program, opinions of his antics differ some when you ask other students who attend games on a regular basis. Some people simply just don’t understand why he is, well, the way he is. He’s loud and somewhat awkward. Salazar is sweating by the time the first timeout is called during a basketball game, and has tried to start no less than ten rally chants in the span of a nine inning baseball game (where he was recently suspended for one game due to some over-the-top chants). Salazar has a number of props that assist in his ef-
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
14 May 2007
behind them. To some, Salazar isn’t an asset to the teams he supports; he’s a weirdo and a spectacle that they would rather see in a sideshow, not at a ball game. “At the first basketball game I went to this season he hugged me,” said Leslie Stanton, a CSULB senior. “I didn’t see him coming so I couldn’t say no, but he was gross, and I definitely don’t stand anywhere near him anymore.” “He just bothers me,” said Miles Lemaire, a CSULB senior. “He’s always in the way somehow, and if he hits me with those fucking pompoms again I’m throwing them in the trash.” So is he hero or villain, incredible asset or nuisance? “I don’t care what other people think of me,” said Salazar. “I’m there for the teams first, and then the other fans second. If people don’t like me then they will be happy next year when I’m not there.” He cups his hand to his face when its time to sing the Alma Mater. At the top of his lungs he is heard over even the band, “To the College of our Choice, Thee we serve with Hand and Voice.” And next year there will be no Superfan, a sad, but real, situation that those who love him will have to deal with. So what next? Or rather, who’s next?
Going Overboard Standing at an even five feet seven inches tall, with a somewhat stocky build, he is overweight and unassuming. He looks nothing like the athletes he looks up to, nor did he ever have aspirations of being like any of those athletes he looks up to. While Salazar grew up in Southern California, a place where almost every child plays AYSO soccer, tee ball, or rec league basketball at some point during their adolescence, Salazar has never played an organized sport in his entire life. You get a feeling when talking to him that he is content to be a fan and not a player. His love for sport and competition is enough for him. While attending nearby Lakewood High Salazar graduated in the top five percent of his class, something his parents say is much more important to them than his love for sports. “We support what he does because he believes enjoying sports is part of enjoying life, and that can never, ever, be taken away from him,” said Rebecca Agdigos, Salazar’s mother, who works for a Head Start Program that targets
children from low-income families. “They [his family] are always nagging me about school work. They don’t want me to go overboard with things.” Jo has spent his entire life in Long Beach. His father, Joselito Salazar is a certified nurses assistant who works with mentally disturbed patients at Intercommunity Care Center, and is by Jo’s assertion, “A very hard worker.” And while only two years older than Jo at 24 years of age, Jamia Salazar, Jo’s sister, is already a nurse at St. Mary Medical Center.
“Beach Pride will never die” Superfan hasn’t always been Superfan. Before Jo there was Wayne Stickney-Smith, and before him there was Dangerous Dave. The tradition of a CSULB Superfan is almost as old as the school itself according to Salazar, and coming at the end of Fall 07’ Jo will need to find a worthy 49er to give the heavy responsibilities that come with the title of Superfan. As Salazar prepares for finals and his looming graduation, he also has something else on his mind.
“I have to find someone who would love to carry on the tradition,” said Salazar. “They have to ask me first though, and then the training begins.” But there arises the problem; there is only a month left of school and there is no replacement in waiting. There isn’t a CSULB student that Salazar has taken under his pompoms, to show them how to become Superfan. Salazar isn’t worried, because, as he says, the tradition will continue on its own if it must. “I made a set of 49 rules that must be followed at all times. I will not pass it [the title of Superfan] down until they are completely ready to take over.” For the last couple of years Jo Ryan Salazar has personified “Beach Pride.” He has gone from relative unknown on campus to carrying the title of Superfan. He is respected by coaches and players, and has made his parents proud. In his time as Superfan he has seen the ups and downs of most 49er athletic programs, and has been there no matter what. “It will be sad when it’s over, but more happy I think because Beach Pride will never die as long as there are people who believe in it. But dancing ability is the most important thing!”
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A Flock of Seagulls
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The Samples
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TBD
JULY 6
Big Head Todd and the Monsters
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The Smithereens
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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
11
5/11/07 11:03:29 AM
Illustrations by Andrew Wilson
Transformers
Action-Adventure Fantastic Four:
Rise of the Silver Surfer
Release Date: 7/4/07
Release Date: 6/15/07
Transformers will hopefully be more than meets the eye, in the sense that it will be the first film in a while that has been brought to us by Michael Bay that doesn’t suck in Pearl Harbor-fashion. Hopefully, it won’t also completely rape the general fan base and the public by cashing in on the nostalgia factor alone. Optimus Prime is being voiced by Peter Cullen, the original voice actor from the 80s show, which is a good sign. But the fact is that the character design for said Autobot leader is more than just cheesy...it is down right embarrassing. He has flames on him, just sayin’. -By Alan Passman
I’ve never been a huge fan of the Fantastic Four, but the first movie, although nothing special, managed to be fun. With the addition of the Silver Surfer into this sequel, it’s sure to be even more fun. Looking at the Surfer, I can’t help but feel the same childhood glee that I felt when seeing the T-1000 in action. Director Tim Story looks like he went all out on the effects this time, but contrary to his namesake, the plot doesn’t sound all to interesting. At the very least we’ll have a jaw-dropping 10 minute fight scene featuring the FF and the Silver Surfer. -By Mike Pallotta
Live Free or Die Hard The Bourne Ultimatum
Release Date: 6/27/07 There will be few moments that live up to the instant I heard Willis say, “Yippie-kai-yay motherfucker” in the trailer for the newest McClane gem. However, I have good feeling that a car exploding into an in-air helicopter, witty quips from the Mac guy (Justin Long), and terrorist plans to take the United States technologically hostage will do the trick. As a lifetime fan of the saga it warms my heart that they are bringing back one of the all-time greatest cops flicks ever made. I can only hope that McClane will have to walk across burning hot coals while carrying his overweight, desk-job police pal. Dare to dream. -By Katie Wynne
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Release Date: 5/25/07
Release Date: 7/13/07
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix With a summer packed with action films, it will be refreshing to watch At World’s End, an epic romance highlighting the violent love triangle between friends and enemies. Ah how I can almost hear the siren song of the wild ocean calling me, the creaky wooden heartbeats of pirate ships longing for something more as they squint through heavy fog for that golden medallion horizon that will bring them happiness. What a relief, what a joy! Too often summer films depend solely on legacy and dynamite to guarantee fame and glory– for shame! Get thee gone and to the theater, and don’t forget your tissues to catch the promised tears of joy. -By Katie Wynne
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It’s hard not to nerd-out hardcore over the Harry Potter films, but despite that fact–they’re great. While a couple of the adaptations have fallen flat, screenshots and the newest trailers for Order of the Phoenix imply that it is sure to be the darkest and most intense yet. Director David Yates, who is already in pre-production of Half-Blood Prince, has envisioned the most violent environment Harry has yet to traverse. I’m not going to summarize what happens in the film because most viewers will have seen the predecessors or read the novels, but I will say this: when Harry and the gang start teaching themselves defense spells it will be one of the most badass geek fests ever to take place in a movie theater. Expect fans to scream out “Avada Kedavra” while flinging their red vines in the air–at least expect me to.
-By Katie Wynne
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
There’s a scene in the second Bourne film (Supremacy) where Matt Damon says the name, “Pamela Landy” in German. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. Aside from that, this series has surprised the hell out of me each time out. The first was better than it should have been (a down and dirty little spy flick with an A-list cast). And then somehow the second film took everything great about the first and improved on it to dizzying degrees. I fully expect Damon to rock the shit yet again, as Bourne comes to America this summer. -By Miles Lemaire Release Date: 8/3/07
Stardust Release Date: 8/10/07
Coming to your local comic shop this Wednesday is an extra-delicious oversized hardcover edition of Stardust, the beautiful not-quite-a-graphic novel by Neil Gaiman (words) and Charles Vess (drawrings). The highly anticipated film adaptation drops into theaters on August 10th starring Claire Danes as an icy beauty and Charlie Cox as the youth who must prove his devotion by bringing her a star that has fallen in the distance, far beyond the boundaries of the land he knows. A thrilling hodge-podge of actors from both sides of the pond rounds out an expertly-woven tale of love, magic, and adventure. -By Shar Higa
14 May 2007
Comedy
Knocked Up
Superbad
Release Date: 6/1/07 Teddy bear shaped men everywhere rejoice, we finally have our own romantic comedy. Seth Rogen (one of us) stars in this Judd Apatow (40 Year Old Virgin, Freaks and Geeks) production as Ben, a guy who manages to be charming and funny enough for one night to have sex with Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, Roswell). This lucky night of casual sex takes a turn for the worse when weeks later Heigl finds out she’s pregnant and that it’s Rogen’s baby. The odd couple decide to keep the baby, but now they’ve got to actually get to know each other, and see if a completely irresponsible man-boy and a beautiful businesswoman can raise a child together. -By Mike Pallotta
The Simpsons Movie WOOO HOOOO! America’s favorite family is finally hitting the big screen. After much speculation (and worry) The Simpsons Movie comes out this summer with July 27 as the release date. Many people have been nervous about the release of the movie because it was rumored that the cartoon series would end with a movie. Not much can really be said about this movie right not except that there could be some nudity (with sexy results). As of now fans are hanging on the edge of their brown couches surviving off teaser trailers and scene flicks. Until then you can practice on doing the “Bartman” with your posse. -By Dominic McDonald
Bug
Release Date: 5/25/07
Hostel: Part 2 Day Watch Release Date: 6/8/07
Release Date: 6/1/07 (Limited) Day Watch can be summed up in three words: over the top. This sequel to 2005’s Night Watch seems to be vomiting up everything ever seen in the genre of horror and action against the screen, just to see what sticks. Revolving around a razor thin plotline, the war against good and evil wages on. As awful as it is sure to be, you can’t help but be dazzled at the mind-blowing effects meant to support the feeble film. This is definitely one of those summer movies you’ll sneak into to see while you wait for the next showing of something good. -By Philip Vargas
-By Miles Lemaire
Opening May 25th: • The Golden Door (limited) • Paprika (limited) • Angel-A (limited) • Bug • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Opening June 1st: • Knocked Up • Mr. Brooks • Gracie • Day Watch (limited) • Crazy Love (limited) • Pierrepoint: The Last Hangman (limited) • Rise: Blood Hunter (limited) • The Trials of Darryl Hunt (limited) Opening June 8th: • Hostel Part II • Ocean’s Thirteen • Surf ’s Up! • La Vie En Rose (limited) Opening June 15th: • Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer • Nancy Drew • I Could Never Be Your Woman • Fido (limited) Opening June 22nd: • Captivity • DOA: Dead or Alive • Evan Almighty • 1408 • You Kill Me • Black Sheep (limited) • Broken English (limited) • A Mighty Heart (limited) • September Dawn (limited) Opening June 27th: • Live Free or Die Hard
1408
Opening June 29th: • Ratatouille • Sicko • Death at a Funeral • Evening (limited) • Eagle vs. Shark (limited) • Vitus (limited) Release Date: 6/22/07
I read the short story on which this movie is based during a bright and sunny afternoon about a year ago. I’m still afeared! No, not really. But it’s a great exercise in creeping tension and when it comes to King adaptations, there are certainly lesser depths to plumb. So with terrific source material and a cast of people who’re really great when they want to be (Come on, Cusack…America’s Sweethearts?), this could be a fun break from some of the larger summer action vehicles. -By Miles Lemaire
14 May 2007
-By Alan Passman
A week-by-week listing of the movies coming out this summer, so you know when everything is being released and not just the ones we decided to highlight.
Horror
William Friedkin (director of The Exorcist and Sorcerer!) is back in the horror genre with a thriller about “bugs” living under Ashley Judd’s skin. Or maybe not. The idea is that “The Judd” is fucked up on drugs and imagines that just beneath her skin is a hive of deadly insects. I’d see this even if it weren’t directed by a Hollywood legend for the following reason: there’s a scene in the trailer where Ashley Judd offers to dig into her skin with a razorblade to prove that she has bugs in her skin. That alone makes it my number one most anticipated horror movie of the year.
The Complete Summer Movie List
Release Date: 7/27/07
Coming hot off the heels of his excellent Grindhouse trailer, “Thanksgiving,” Eli Roth returns to the torture porn arena that made him famous a little over a year ago. This time, a bunch of self-absorbed, sex crazed female backpackers run afoul some “Elite Hunters” in scenic Slovakia. Blood will spurt out of naked, bile-drenched breasts as Bill O’Reilly browbeats the audience to death for confusing this film with actual entertainment. But fuck him. The last movie was a lot of fun, even if the characters were insufferable assholes. And plus, this isn’t a remake. So it’s got that going for it. -By Miles Lemaire
Release Date: 8/17/07 Superbad looks to be super good as it stars Michael Sera (Arrested Development) and Jonah Hill (Accepted) as two best friends that are dead set on living up the last weeks of high school in as much Bacchanalian glee as possible. Written by comedy superstar Seth Rogen, and his buddy, Evan Goldberg, as well as fellow Arrested… alumni, Greg Mottola, in the director’s chair this looks to be a great return to form for comingof-age comedies. This movie will, with any luck, pick up where films like Meatballs and Porky’s left off and shy away from the sappy John Hughes-styled storylines that we tend to see in this genre as a whole.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Opening July 6th: • Transformers • Joshua (limited) • License to Wed • Clubland (limited)
Opening July 13th: • Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix • The Strangers (limited) • Rescue Dawn (limited) • Interview (limited) • Talk to Me (limited) Opening July 20th: • I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry • Hairspray • Arctic Tale (limited) • Goya’s Ghosts (limited) • Fierce People (limited) Opening July 27th: • Skinwalkers • The Simpsons Movie • I Know Who Killed Me • No Reservations • Cantante, El (limited) • This is England (limited) Opening August 3rd: • Underdog • The Bourne Ultimatum • The Ten (limited) • Hot Rod • Charlie Bartlett • Becoming Jane • Resurrecting the Champ Opening August 8th: • Daddy Day Camp Opening August 10th: • Rush Hour 3 • Stardust • The Signal (limited) • Rocket Science Opening August 17th: • Superbad • The Invasion • The King of Kong (limited) • Penelope (limited) • Wedding Daze • Bratz: The Movie Opening August 24th: • Mr. Bean’s Holiday • Good Luck Chuck • Virgin Territory • The Last Legion Opening August 31st: • Balls of Fury
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Photo Courtesy of Bloc Party
The Meaning of Great Monday14 Drop Dead, Gorgeous at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Daybreak Ends at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $10 Dear and the Headlights at the Roxy – 8pm $13 RJD2 at the Henry Fonda – 9pm $20 The Damnwells at the Troubadour – 8pm $13
Enter Shikari at the Glass House – 7pm $10 Dear and the Headlights at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Drop Dead, Gorgeous at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $12 Meat Puppets at the Troubadour – 8pm $20 Jeffree Star at the Roxy Theatre – 8.30pm $11
Wednesday16 Kansas at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $32.50 Patrick Wolf at the Troubadour – 8pm $12 Needlemouth at the Key Club – 7.30pm $10 Ozma at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $12 Third Eye Blind at the Canyon Club – 8pm $35 Jamie Shields and Darren Shearer at the Knitting Factory – 8pm $16
Thursday17 Eyes Set to Kill at the Whisky – 7pm $12 Mikoto at Chain Reaction – 7.30pm $10 Ozma at the Troubadour – 7.30pm $13 Ben Gibbard at Royce Hall, UCLA – 8pm $25 Dimebag’s Blacktooth Bash at the HOB Sunset – 8pm $33 Joe Bonamassa at the Canyon Club – 8pm $20 Paramore at the Avalon – 8pm $15 Third Eye Blind at the HOB Anaheim – 8pm $32 Whitestarr at the Roxy – 8pm $11
Friday18 Career Soldiers at the Showcase Theatre – 7pm $10 Paramore at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $14 The Dreaming at the Roxy – 7.15pm $13 May Madness at the Key Club LA – 7.30pm $15 Amestory at the Knitting Factory – 7.30pm $8 Melt-Banana at the Troubadour – 8pm $13 The Autumns vs. the Sugarplastic at Spaceland – 8.30pm $10
The Reminder Cherry Tree
Reviewed By Kathy Miranda
KROQ Weenie Roast at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater – 12.30pm $65 Melt-Banana at the Glass House – 7pm $10 Last American Buffalo at the Knitting Factory – 7pm $10 May Madness at the Key Club – 7.30pm $18 The Sea and Cake at the Troubadour – 8pm $15
The Sea and Cake at the Troubadour – 8pm $15 Stevie Nicks and Chris Isaak at the Greek – 8pm $45-125 .38 Special at the HOB Anaheim – 7pm $23.50 S.M.D. at the Showcase Theatre – 6pm $10
14
T
he mood at the Knitting Factory was secretive. Cloud Cult, a 6-Piece group from Minnesota, has always veiled itself in a certain amount of secrecy. The puzzling part of this is how much of it is self-induced. The mythos of Cloud Cult begins with the sad death of singer Craig Minowa’s son Kaidin. The project was, as Craig describes, an attempt to stay sane. And that’s exactly how Cloud Cult sounds: A pleading and childlike entreatment to some mysterious power to keep some shred of sanity. The show opens with a 4-piece band that seems to be lost within their own guitar effects. Every once in a while one of them would step up to spew something lyrical into the microphone, but all in all these moments were thankfully sparse. The crowd seemed to be uniquely civil. They keep to themselves mainly and all appear very polite. I’m not sure what the age limit is, but nobody in the room appears to be younger than 21. For a second I entertain the notion that this is the hip place to be tonight. I decide later that it the appeal of the evening is not so temporarily joyful as to be hip. The Cloud Cult Stage Presence involves 4 musicians and 2 artists. The artists, Connie Minowa and Scott West, paint during the performance and auction the pieces off at the end of the night. Scott’s piece seems to conjure up the melancholy inspiration for the band. It feels out of place to me. Aside from that, the band plays beautifully. Craig’s voice is as sugarfilled as ever, and the band bounces with their usual rhythmic vigor.
Feist
Saturday19
Sunday20
Photos By Jeff Gould
Tuesday15
What more can you expect from the beautiful, Canadian songtress Leslie Feist’s latest album The Reminder except absolute bliss? Nothing. The popular indie favorite released her long anticipated third album this month and after having the album on repeat since the release, I assure you it’s one album you won’t ever get tired of. With 12 out of 13 songs co-written by the artist, The Reminder showcases not only the exquisite voice we all have grown so fond of, but the soul of Feist herself. With a sound that lends itself to an unplugged session rather than a recorded studio album, The Reminder transforms your current surroundings into a one-on-one experience with the artist and her confessions. Songs like “The Park,” “So Sorry” and “The Water” expresses the melancholic tones that are similar to the songs in her
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Everything about the show feels like a secret. I’m not certain I want to let anyone in on what all happened. But I can assure you that it would be more than worth the effort to check these ruff-covered diamonds out. Assuming, of course, you can find their music in the first place.
-By Matt Dupree
previous album “Let It Die,” but are just as good, perhaps even better. Despite the albums’ similarities in tone, there is a fine line between both albums, one key characteristic being the wholehearted, unconditional sincerity present in The Reminder. While 2004’s Let It Die comprised mostly of covers, her latest conveys the genuine personality of the artist, a quality which was somewhat lacking in Let It Die. On the contrary, do not be mislead by Feist’s ability to melt hearts with her love ballads, the new album covers sounds of all kinds, including the refreshing dance tune “1234” and the Nina Simone-inspired “Sealion.” The album encompasses a wide range of musical ability, which includes a catchy and upbeat, playful sound found in “My Moon, My Man,” an R&B feeling in “Brandy Alexander” and a warm, heartfelt quality in the closing track, “How My Heart Behaves.” Feist’s new album The Reminder is an album of confession, a true revealing of Feist as an artist and a human being. This album confirms her remarkable, comprehensive, musical talent and her enduring effort of pleasing her fans. Feist has grown into an amazing artist, one that can truly stand her own and with this album she’s proved exactly that. I say, screw the Norah Jones/Cat Power comparisons because with a voice like hers, a successful album and a summer tour in progress, Feist is undoubtedly on her way to the top.
14 May 2007
Things I Hate About Music I’ve always hated overly negative music reviews. Partly because I don’t find it very interesting to read, but mostly because it’s simultaneously amateurish and elitist, two things I really can’t stand to be associated with. But of course, there are a lot of great slaughterhouse reviews; they’re just harder to come by. And so, as my last act as music editor, I’ll break my own rule and conjure up some bile for one last vicious hurrah. Behold these, the 10 things I hate about music. Stupid Band Names
revisionist History
Maybe it’s just the inevitable nature of an advertising-dominated world, or perhaps it’s the next step in artist legibility, but band names seem to get more retarded with every passing year. Listen up kids, if your musical style can only be truly expressed with a name that is 12 words long and references drowning, funerals, or whatever else passed for “dark” in your 9th grade journals, it’s time to give up the musical ghost. Agonizing over the perfect moniker for your musical project does not make you an auteur, it makes you conceited. Just name yourself after one of your personality disorders and call it a night.
How great were the 80s huh? It’s startling to think that from now on no bad musical act will go unsung in the form of some “I Love the 2000s” show in which C-list comedians discuss facetiously the totally radical nature of that one Jimmy Eat World song. But in all seriousness, let’s stop the fucking nostalgia train. The 80s look ridiculous compared to today, but give it 20 years and you’ll see the same derision poured upon Trucker caps, low-rise jeans, and Crunk music. Everybody looks and sounds ridiculous to somebody.
Bad Singers
Of all the stupid and harmless youth subcultures which have latched themselves onto music in some form, Straight Edge is the vilest and most repulsive. These are the kids who have “decided” to abstain from some manner of behavior and feel it extremely necessary to let people know about it. Come on, edge-heads, we’re all happy that you’re not doing drugs, just stop announcing it. Honestly, that sort of attention-seeking over such a minor achievement is tantamount to requesting a key to the city for thwarting a shop-lifter. Even straight edge music got sick of itself and quit. Enjoy getting your “No fXXXin’ Poisons” tattoo removed.
Very few people who walk this earth have the vocal skill necessary to be a great singer. And though I sympathize with bands that have trouble finding someone to capably assume this role, there just aren’t any excuses for all of the growling, snarling dogmen prowling about the musical landscape. Sure, it shows some intensity to scream your guts out in front of a group of strangers, but it’s also painfully obvious when that screaming is just to cover up a severe dearth of lyrical content. Some bands opt to completely omit having a singer, which is like valiantly proclaiming to your audience “You wouldn’t miss anything if you spent our set over at the bar.”
Genre-bending
We’ve all endured the endless claims that rock and punk and hip-hop and blues and music in general are all dying or dead. It’s sounds like a ballsy thing to say, and it requires little to no verification. So it’s no surprise that each passing year brings about a new crop of artists who’ve set about to ditch the reins of the old genres by straddling some odd combination of two or three of them. And the end result is always the same: some Frankenstein of turntables and guitars, stitched together with heaps of novelty and studio magic to make it absolutely drip with cool. The crime here is not that these bands have tried to do something new, it’s that they treat that innovation as a gimmick. So the next time you hear a band being touted as nu-rap-metaldisco-punk, remember that for every Rage Against The Machine, there are a thousand Linkin Parks.
Music Majors
Few things are more boring than a band made up of students studying music. You can just hear in their songs that they’re trying to get a good grade on it. They certainly excel at making complicated songs, but it’ll never cover up the complete lack of soul that occurs when you treat your riffs like algebra equations. This one comes with sort of a happy ending however, since only a handful of music students with dreams of being performers will ever get a taste of it. And likely they’ll be opening for a group of drug-experimenting dropout savants who were just born to play.
Pop-___ music
Of all the unholy nomenclature that gets tossed about, the word “pop” always rings the most discordant to me. Put it in front of any other word and you’ll find that it poisons the meaning of that music to such a point that it’s almost unrecognizable. Pop-Punk is just about as far from anything punk as anything could be. Pop-Soul has about as much soul as a Hostess cupcake. I’ve never been much into country music, but I wouldn’t wish the title of “Pop-Country” on my worst enemy. Now sure, we could invent some fun music with Pop at the front of it, but it would only take one band to actually record some “Pop-Skronk” or “PopMurder” before even that dream would be ruined.
14 May 2007
Straight Edge
Electronica
The proliferation of digital music has done a lot of good for music as an art form. Unfortunately, it’s also dragged the term “DJ” down into almost complete irrelevance. You let a kid pirate a copy of GarageBand and all of a sudden he’s trying to be the next Postal Service (IDM gets all the girls, right?). The world had too many fishnet-shirt-wearing mascara-smeared white boys when Industrial music was hard to make. Now it’s like the closeted zombie army on Wednesday Goth Night at Mr. T’s Bowl. A Laptop is not a musical instrument.
Untouchables
The “Untouchables,” as I shall call them, are all of those bands that are taboo to dislike (or, even worse, just not care about). Around the Union Office, for example, it’s not okay to speak ill of Weezer. This is sad because 1) Weezer is horrendously bland, and 2) Weezer is sooo ripe for abuse. Just look at a lyrics sheet! It almost makes fun of itself! It’s pretty ridiculous how protective people can get about their favorite bands, especially when entrenched with other people who are equally protective. So here’s my message to all of you out there who just absolutely LLLOVE some band enough that you will bite someone’s head off for not liking that band as well: Your favorite band’s album was juvenile and overrated, and their style is unoriginal. Have a nice day.
The Anti-“Rap & Country” crowd
If you travel the world of MySpace long enough, you will find someone who lists their musical tastes as “Anything but Rap and Country.” I’m not sure why this occurs as often as it does, but it seems to be some sort of congenial gesture. Personally, I find it much more repulsive that someone could use the word “Anything” in describing their tastes. If you used that word to describe your taste in lovers, It would have a rather unsavory connotation. Ultimately, there’s just nothing defensible about saying you like Trapt but just can’t get into KRS-One or Gram Parsons because of their genre.
-By Matt Dupree
S
ummer’s breathing down all of our necks, and let’s face it, none of us know what the fuck we’re going to do with our time when we don’t have books we’re supposed to be reading and homework we’re supposed to be doing. What good is leisure time if it’s not being utilized in lieu of responsibility? Well, here’s a simple and easy guide to occupying the vast expanse of free time staring you down from the tail end of next week. Architecture in Helsinki
The New Pornographers
Places Like This (August 7) This band of Aussie twee pop cutie pies are coming out with their third release, following the much-beloved Fingers Crossed and In Case We Die. If you love coating your Frosted Flakes with sugar and you never have a bad day, then this will surely be the album for you. If the preceding sentence does not describe you, make sure you’re in a really good mood before you listen to this album, or you’re liable to punch a hole in the wall.
Challengers (August 21) How many fucking Canadian supergroups are there? Well, I sure as hell don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that one of them (The New Pornographers, obviously) is releasing an album at the end of the summer, and, if their previous two albums were any indication of how this one will sound, it’s going to kick ass. God knows that between the nine of them, they have no excuse for not coming up with something great.
Art Brut
Spoon
It’s a Bit Complicated (June 11) For those of you that weren’t fortunate to catch these British rockers at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts festival a couple weekends ago, you can go ahead and pick up their debut album, the amazingly titled Bang Bang Rock and Roll. Then, come June 11, you can shed tears of joy as you rush to your local Tower Records and pick up their sophomore effort, the not-so-shabbily titled It’s a Bit Complicated.
Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga (July 10) This album easily takes the cake for best title in the history of rock and roll music. The much-awaited follow up to their critically acclaimed Gimme Fiction, this album has a ton going for it. Not only is its title so great that I refuse to type it again, but it was produced by Jon Brion. Spoon are formidable all on their own, but with the sorcery of Jon Brion at their disposal, who knows what they’re capable of.
Editors
Tegan and Sara
An End Has a Start (June 25) The Birmingham, England band will be following up their critically-acclaimed debut The Black Room with An End Has a Start, released in June on Kitchenware Records. Just make sure you don’t have an Editors CD and an Interpol CD in the same room at any time, as a rip in the space-time continuum may occur.
The Con (July 24) These identical twin lesbian (not with each other, you sicko), Canadian sisters are following their breakout album So Jealous with The Con, produced by Christopher Walla, guitarist for Death Cab. Let’s do some math. Deliciously simple indie rock songwriting + impeccable production, as evidenced on albums like Death Cab’s Plans and Transatlanticism, as well as The Decemberists’ The Crane Wife = a really, really good record. I sure do loves me some ’rithmetic.
Iron & Wine The Shepherd’s Dog (September) I know, I know, this album doesn’t come out during the summer. But hey—the first single, “Boy with a Coin” comes out on July 10th, and we all know that the full album will be leaked onto the Internet way before that. Despite the fact that none of this matters, as you should all be buying the record like responsible adults. I personally can’t wait to download the shit out of this bad boy.
Interpol Our Love to Admire (July 10) Oh man. I don’t think there’s a soul on the face of this earth that isn’t excited about Interpol’s third album. Those of you that were fortunate enough to be at Coachella to see them perform got to witness three magnificently dark and brooding tracks from an album that’s sure to be full of what Interpol do best: be dark and brooding.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
Radiohead LP7 (who the fuck knows?) These assholes have been holed up in a mansion in England for two fucking years now, working on their next album. The band confirmed late in April that they have what’s been described as “a full CD of material waiting for consideration,” and there was a cryptic caption for a photo on their blog that read “mixing it.” Could we be looking at a new Radiohead album this summer? There’s really no way of saying. Without a record label or contract of any kind, Thom Yorke has pretty much said that they’ll release the album when they’re god damn good and ready, and besides, everybody in the world knows that Radiohead can do whatever the fuck they want.
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M
y most valued friends have always been the ones that turned me on to new music. If I looked back and analyzed all of my past friendships, I could probably dig up a few cases where correspondences suspiciously withered away shortly after less-than-fruitful music exchanges. Supplying new music is the least a friend should do. In my understanding, Oliver Wang is the stereotype for one of the best types of friends—the kind that doesn’t borrow money or require reciprocal communication whatsoever, but does energetically offer up sporadic and consistently fresh batches of hand-picked music. An Assistant Professor of Sociology at CSULB, Wang has done the public a serious favor by providing easy and free access to hundreds of the luciously rich grooves and sounds of timelss, genuine, and mostly overlooked soul music with his audioblog, www. Soul-Sides.com. Over the past four years, Wang has authored hundreds of posts consisting of free, individual song downloads, usually delivered in threes, that remain accessible for ten days after posting. More importantly, Wang also presents careful dissections and backstories of the music, giving the songs even more depth with discussions of their inconspicuous significance to the artist, to the author, and to the evolution of music as a whole. These aren’t Rolling Stone album reviews, these are the musings of a man exploring the bottom ninety percent of a musical iceberg. Posts don’t stick strictly to soul music. Wang also takes the time to highlight the early foundations and recent innovations of Hip Hop, which, Wang told NPR, is at the root of his interest in soul music. I’m glad that, because of the blog, I can now say as a fact that there is professor on my campus who likes Mobb Deep. He explained to NPR: “I went through Hip Hop backwards into soul music and I think I discovered those same kinds of qualities: the richness, the textures, and really at the very heart of it just the emotional appeal of soul music in terms of this incredibly emotionally expressive style of sing-
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ing, and the use of rhythm to really bring those kinds of feelings of both sadness and happiness, and excitement, and sexuality, and passion, and really to bring all those things to the surface.” Even after years of wrestling musical resonance into words,
ward us across some kind of beautiful field with warm and open and comforting arms, Prof. Wang also provides a link (in the middle of the right side of the page) to a separate page of “songs for summer,” so you’ll be able to welcome another season of decadence with some good new music.
Wang feels there is no way to squeeze soul music into an acceptable definition. He told NPR that, although it sounds cliché, you simply know soul when you hear it. In 2006, Zealous records recognized Wang’s discriminatory talent, and both worked together to release his 14 track soul compilation, Soul Sides Vol.1, containing all sorts of
Words and Photos by Benjamin Zitney good stuff like Jimmy Jones’ “Live and Let Live” and suprising originals like Emma Franklin’s “Piece of My Heart.” The upcoming Soul Sides Vol.2. will deliver a new set of 14 songs – all covers. Wang devotes a lot of attention to cover songs because of their ability to present familiar elements in an unfamiliar setting. It should definitely make for an interesting mix, and is set for release May 22, right when we’re all going to be in desperate need of music to help us escape the reality of finals. As if he wasn’t already trying to help us stave off that heavy iTunes boredom while summer runs to-
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
14 May 2007
Famous Last Words Edition.
o quote Jerry Rice on the day of his retirement announcement: “I honestly never thought this day would come.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stupid, or delusional, or one of those people who clings to their college experience with bloody fingernails. It’s just that this office and this newspaper have so entirely consumed my creative life for the last three and a half years that it’s been impossible to even imagine a time when I’d be done. Like, forever. But now that time has come. In my time at The Union, I’ve stacked up some awesome stats, so allow me to toot my horn for just one moment. Over 350 articles written. Around a million newspapers delivered. Tons of books brought in for re-
view. Over fifty books reviewed myself (and I read all of ‘em). I corrected its/it’s errors by the boatload. I started the Short Story Contest, which should live on for years and years. I saw the paper through some heavy controversies. And I had the time of my life, managing to walk away with a group of friends I truly consider my family. Not in a cheesy BFF way, in a “This is my home and you’re all my family” way. Thank you’s go to all of the people I’ve worked with, as well as my “blood” family, my amazing fiancée Shar who has done more for this paper than anyone who hasn’t worked here will ever know, and to the Belknap family for honoring me with a scholarship in their daughter’s name, allowing me to avoid a day job and chase a job I’ve loved. The reason I rattled off all of those statistics wasn’t just to toot my own horn, however. It’s to prove a point. I’m no smarter than your average bear, and I don’t have any magic powers or abilities. None of those accomplishments happened because of anything inherent or specific to me. They happened because I answered a call, for someone, please God someone, to come review books. And I did. And I stayed. And, as a result, my life is immeasurably better than it would have been if I’d continued to just be a die-hard Union fan who hung out in the library. I will say this once more and once more only in my time here. If you read The Union, and if you write, or could write, or are interested in writing or doing anything else here: come in. Just come in, hang out, and put some work in. The one thing every Union grad can agree on is that the more work you put into the paper, the more you get out of it. So now, at the end of my career here, preparing to write my last words, all I can say is: Just give me a few more words. Just a few more, really. I can come up with something new to say, totally. Um…I love Joyce still. I’ve said that…damnit. Still. I can come up with something. Just gimme a minute. Just a minute! Ah, hell. Goodbye. It’s been the best. Thanks for reading. -Mike Guardabascio
My mother’s father worked for a while as a traveling storyteller. Speaking in elementary schools around the Bay Area, he entranced auditoriums of 7 year olds as his rich baritone spun Anansi tales from West Africa, Kokopelli tales from the American Southwest, and reenvisioned stories from the Hebrew Bible. And when we went to visit him, my brother and I, we would sit at his feet as he read from storybooks, recited poems, or pulled new tales out of the air, out of the past, out of the deep imagination of a man who had spent seventy years collecting life. After he died of emphysema and cancer of the everything else when I was in fourth grade, I used to fall asleep listening to a tape of stories he’d made for us, his tales of adventure easing me into dreams that were untroubled by loss and grief. And sometimes, when I’m not expecting it, I’ll still hear my grandfather’s voice in the velvety Black baritone of a stranger, and, even after all these years, my heart will still long for a story. Maybe that’s where my love of storytelling came from. My grandfather took me from dusky rooms in San Jose to fields, forests, and places unlike anywhere I could imagine. And I read voraciously, ruining my eyesight on family road trips because I was too engrossed in my books to look out the window. The best were the ones that reminded me of my grandfather, pulling from a history of dreams and memories to make a new story that was at once familiar and excitingly fresh. I had a love for historical fiction and would spend months engrossed in one time period, tearing through different views of the same decade as each author took old thoughts and reconfigures them, people and places long gone given new life with the communication of two imaginations, theirs and mine. In ninth grade I read my first word of Vonnegut. “Harrison Bergeron” launched me into what’s been eight years of loving the mad wisdom of America’s recently fallen literary hero. I took his every published work and read them in chronological order, finding as I did so a thread of continuity, sometimes subtle and sometimes crying for attention. The thread, of course, is that of his life. In the end, it’s kind of like historical fiction again. Trying to make sense of the way things
look as life progresses, looking through different eyes at the world that’s changing too, writing fiction that’s truer than truth. Three years ago, I found Neil Gaiman, who takes ancient stories and makes them haunt the corners of today, drops ordinary people into battles that have raged for millennia. Weaving together the cultural memories of many people, he suggests that maybe we’re all trying to remember the same dreams. Like my grandfather, he tells Anansi stories and makes them as real and as living as the ones which flew through my mind and colored my childhood for years after I stopped hearing Grandpa’s sly smile. Two months ago, I started working at the Borders down at the Pike. From every aisle books call to me, and I can’t help but spend a part of my paycheck trying to pick up that thread, that memory of what has always been, from when Anansi stole the stories from the gods and from when Kokopelli carried them in a sack across America. It’s those stories I’m chasing. They’re hiding in the bookshelves, and when I read them, I hear my grandfather’s voice. -Shar Higa
Stand Me Now
And Ever in Good Stead T
Why I read...
14 May 2007
SATURDAY
NIGHT By Katie Wynne
I T ’ S S AT U R D AY N I G H T H E R E
in the Union Weekly office for the first time in three and a half years. Those other days that we spent in here were amalgamations of weekend, midnight, breakfast and frenzy that somehow resulted in a finished publication. Those weekends didn’t seem to creep up on the writers, or the editors. Instead, everyone knew where they stood; they knew their deadlines, knew which page would be done when, and what article would go best where. In truth, those Frankenstein late night-early mornings were calming, and the sun never rose as the enemy. But, now it’s Saturday here in the Union office for the first time in three and a half years. Everyone is sitting around the dirty table (presumably picked up in some alley years earlier) hunched over their laptops, or pages glittered with tiny circles of red ink. Occasionally they lift their heads and look to the doors with sometimes fearful and usually heavy eyes. The sun is our enemy now, and it isn’t because we wont make the deadline. It’s because tonight the deadline is reality. It’s walking out, hearing the click of the doors being locked and facing the world outside this dank little room of lost weekends. Wait; do I need a comma between dank and little? Get Big Little Kid. Does that need a comma somewhere? Was the semicolon the right mark to put after “wait?” I never used to care. I would watch commercials without wondering if that Serif font was the right choice, or if a drop shadow would help me buy that house over this one. I never thought that I would have to retire a day out of my seven, but I guess that is what makes life so hard; you never really know. You can study, and read, and write, and add, and subtract. You can look in the mirror and fix your hair, and tighten your tie, and whiten your teeth. You can listen to that one band, in your one car, with your one friend and know that this or that afternoon will lead to dinner. But, you will never know or do more than that. Not after you’ve heard that click. The printer just called to double-check our page count this week. We told her twenty-four, but it’s really more like 1,900. Saturday is a villain. A secret machine chugging and humming along, manufacturing years of your life, until finally out comes a day, the last day, that you will look around you and see the people and things that really made you who you are. In a few hours I will see Saturday fade away. The sun will disrespectfully paint the sky tomorrow and then I’ll hear it. I’m at the computer and I just heard our Sports editor call someone a FunBoy. I’ll miss him. He’s moving far away after Saturday. It’d be childish to retire Saturday I suppose. After all, maybe you like Saturdays. I did too. I loved them, and these people, and these walls. Some people consider(ed) us an intimidating group who disregarded students, a clique. In truth we were troubadours. We were soldiers fighting against time, and age and reality. As the sky turns from black to grey-purple-pink-light blue it seems that we have lost that battle… fuck if we didn’t try though. Click.
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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Famous Last Words Edition. soul who accomplishes the task of noticing my own greatness… From comic-book-boobies, to Scottish cow poems, to the schedule of classes, to pooping in toilets, I have tackled hard subjects and read at least the first few pages of many books. Was it hard? Of course. Do I still hate reading? Definitely. Am I a better person for it? I don’t think so. Have I answered a lot of questions? Six. Are there some questions that should just remain unanswered? The first book I reviewed was James Joyce’s classic novel Ulysses, and to this day it holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was the first book I ever approached without initially having the intent to hollow it out and use it to sneak something in or out of some place that I wasn’t supposed to. Unfortunately I never finished reading this book… I didn’t really get past the cover… but I did later hollow it out and use it to steal a some exacto knifes since I had
is, I think I’m going to leave that up to everyone else to talk about how great it is. But since this will be the LAST ILLITERATURE REVIEW EVAR! I kind of wanted to talk about how great it will be to get out of this dump. First of all… wow. I will never have to read again.. NEVER! Isn’t that fantastic? I already know what shape stop signs are. And yield signs. And numbers don’t count. SO my new goal in life is to pretty much never read again… and to also never talk to the Word Baron ever again… wouldn’t that be great? Yes. Next of all… I feel like reflecting on some things I’ve learned here… … … … ……………………………… ……………………………… ……………………………… ……………………………… …………………………… w o w. That was a really meaningful experience. I feel like… all of that reflection I just did changed me
dulled mine hollowing out books… My classic interpretation and critique of the cover of Ulysses has, I’m sure, contributed heartily to the literary world, to Mike’s acceptance of his tragic loss, and to whiskey loving Irishmen everywhere... Hey… wow… that was kind of boring… sooooooo. Yeah, as great as my anthropology of work
somehow. Like… maybe I can turn into the incredible hulk…. But with my brain…. If I just keep reflecting, maybe I can reflect the rays of our yellow sun and have super powers… ……………………………… ……………………………… … … … YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY!!!!!1!! Just kidding! j/k LOL! You totally
This Week: Goodbye Forever Lit Page...
O
kay, okay, okay… I know I said that I had pretty much read everything that could possibly worth reading but—and I’ll be the first to admit it—this statement was not entirely true. There is one thing that I haven’t read, that is probably one of the most important bodies
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of work that exists to date… the Un-bridged complimendium of iLliterature reviews! Think about it! I have single handedly read, critiqued, and commented on all of the literature that is worth trying to read or watching a movie about! This is a resource that should not go unnoticed, and I will be the brave
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
thought I got all hulky. NOT TRUE! I just sat here, quietly… then yelled a bit and flexed my muscular forearms, and YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT. You’re dumb! Haha! Reflecting is for suckers! Anyway. Uhmm. So… hey…. I guess… it’s over? I don’t want it to be over… but it all has to come to an end sometime. But every end is just the beginning of something new right? Or is it that every beginning is just the beginning of the end of a new middle? Whatever. I have one word of advice for everyone. Well.. it’s more like a bunch of words. A sentence if you will… “You must be the change you wish to see in your hand when you really want a diet Dr. Pepper” I’m pretty sure some skinny dude said that… He probably should have seen enough change to buy a hot pocket or something… anyway. That’s it… There is no reason to read Lit Page ever again… sorry. NOT! Hahahaha. Jokes are funny. I’m not sorry. Anyway… sorry for being so rambley… I guess I was just hanging around for something… I guess I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it. If you don’t, you feel even worse. Serously… later.
14 May 2007
[Creative Arts] Story and Illustration by Philip Vargas I know it’s summer when I step outside and am greeted by a blanket of smoldering heat that hits me head on like a freight train. Feeling the moisture seeping out of my skin as I wade towards my car, I slip in the key and open the door to an oven. I climb in holding my breath until I can roll down the windows and feel the cool rush of air past my face, banishing the ungodly heat that has overstayed its welcome. Cruising down PCH I lose myself in the music blasting through the speakers and let my mind drift off, knowing that it’ll lead me where I’m meant to be. Before I know it my hand reaches down to put the car in park and calm the beating heart of a two-ton beast. The salty offshore breeze on my face is the first indication I have of where I am. Living in Southern California you can’t help but take for granted the big beautiful blue body of that goddess known as the Pacific that rests just outside our backyard. Stepping up to the edge of the bluff, I look out over her endless surface and am rendered breathless at the beauty captured in a single summer day. Sifting out across a million tiny blazing rocks, I lie down in the shadow of the towering bluff and do the one thing I’ve wanted to do for so long now…nothing. I don’t rush to catch a summer blockbuster or wait in traffic to get to some far off destination, I just lie here, eyes closed and mind empty, listening to the world around me and appreciating every minute of it. In the distance I can hear the world rushing by around me, hurrying along towards the finish line that marks the beginning of only another journey. In this single moment, I’m at peace. The waves crash around me and the breeze blows across my face. Nothing lasts forever, even summer has its end, but in this moment my summer is endless.
Story and Illustration by Philip Vargas Summer vacation, once miles away, now within my grasp. Beckoning with promises of long days and unbound roads I rush towards freedom, only to stop right before I’m out the door. Something stops me but I don’t know what. Looking down I see a chain, shimmering in and out of sight, a chain of memories that flows back the way I just came. I turn and stare into the darkness, eyes adjusting I look back into the past and remember. I remember everything all at once; no control over what I witness, it all comes upon me at once, like a tidal wave of senses. In a flash I recall it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly times wash over my body and soul. I go numb with sensory overload. Better than a psychedelic flashback, better than any drug, I overdose on memories and I love every moment of it. I witness the creation of the person who stands on the threshold of an office that has been my life for the past two years. Every decision, every action, leading to this one moment, the present greets the past and smiles with content. In the eyes of the past I see friends and loved ones long gone and I wave back to them, watching as they smile and wave back in reply. I want to go back but realize every moment has its time and that time has come and gone. Turning back towards the light I walk into the embrace of summer, leaving the past behind me but still hanging onto the ties that bind.
Every face of light In the speeding grey night Shows tear streaked porcelain Watching the yellow butterflies Fly with flaming wings From the burning poppy fields. Fed on steam and dreams They exhaled a lonely house Filled with corpses And rat poison radiant air That blows through the halls And the closed windows rattle Against empty and torn fishing line webs. Goodbye Spider! The TV screens crack And the antennas bend Under their own weight, A short circuit From the great underground.
The sunbeam crossed a million miles To bathe her crown in a golden halo And collapse, exhausted and fulfilled Unburdened in her heavenly sight The waters flowed a million years To suspend her in the summer lake And sparkle, enlightened by the flash Reborn in her fair light The winds descend from a million peaks To gently blow her amber locks And swirl around, emboldened by The changes in the fight
A beautiful, tranquil summer day the flowers delicately blanket Soft fresh earth like a Monet With alluring shades of violet. A heavenly breeze brings to me his vibrant, intoxicating scent that leaves my spirit in harmony & makes my body feel safe and content. His gentle hands push me on the swing and when I get closer and closer to him It makes my soul take flight and sing we slowly breathe and take each other in. His loving arms hold me for a while His touch drowns me in enchantment Before him I lived in dark denial That true love could ever happen to me
Jennifer L. Schwartz
I smiled on with a million eyes To regard her purest form, divine And hold her close on the summer lake The universe aching with her might.
Jared Kenelm Collins
They stood in crooked lines They stood in rows of burnt trees Grey with sickly spokes Reaching out of smoke And spent, empty rattling dreams Shrieking and sighing in lust and loathing; Goodbye spider! Cry and cry and cry! He walked away down Sand Street And there was no sand And it was dead And the summer burned.
Michaël Veremans
14 May 2007
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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[Comics]
GradeSavers - By Last Resorts Koo-koo and Luke By Jessie Blake
Batman Vs. Spiderman - By The “Why Not” Gang
Final Life & Times - By MB3
Daily Specials
Join us for NBA, NHL and MLB Action! Bloody Marys & Irish Coffee
140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 20
Monday: $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw
Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
14 May 2007
Disgruntled Editor By THE EDITOR
Girly-Girl By Christopher Troutman
[Comics]
Ladies and Gentlemen of Cal State Long Beach…
Editing this Comics Page for the prestigious Union Weekly has been a personal high for me over the past two years. You have seen me as MB3, or Matt Byrd on the Comics Page, but I’ve also trashed The Daily 49er weekly as “Disgruntled Editor”. (Not to mention the fade-head-duo, who blazed through this campus, Lewis Grey and Byrd Beaulieu.) I have grown as a Comic, Artist, Writer, and Editor thanks to the friends and colleagues I have made in the staff of the Union Weekly. The long hours we’ve spent straight through the night in the office have been nothing but good times. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end. As I let the last of this schtick burn out, I would like to say goodbye, while passing the torch on to an artist who would be “Perfect” for the Page. Without further introduction, I give you your Comic Editor for Fall 2007: Victor! Perfecto. - Matthew Lewis Byrd “the HyByrd” Comics 2005-2007
You’re Stuck Here By Victor! Perfecto
14 May 2007
yourestuckhere@gmail.com
Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper
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VOLUME COCK SUCKER
PUBIC LICE
Cap’n of Serous Town Returns, Leaves. Also Wants You To Fuck Yourself
GRUNION LAST WORDS
jail time for committing a hate crime where more than six and three-fifths people were present. “The laws in this state are ridiculous,” shouted Phil Nilbag, who directed the performance. “They have all these stupid rules. But what I really don’t understand is why people are so hurt. I mean, what do they have against Cosby?” The President of KU, Mike Wallace, gave a speech following the performance in which he apologized for the “outrageous display,” calling it “in no way an example of the great minds that shape KU.” He added, “I just don’t know what they were thinking.” “Can someone please tell me what the big frickin’ deal is?” con-
fused performer Tiffany Smith asked. “I know some of the kids who were upset by what we did, and they love The Cosby Show. I don’t think that our acting was so bad that it warrants this reaction. I just don’t get it.” The University of Kansas’s Board of Conduct will rule this Tuesday to determine the proper disciplinary action for the hate crime. When asked to confirm the official crime committed by the students, Board Member Mary Merriweather revealed “they portrayed blacks on stage in Kansas. We hate blacks here. We have a lot of weird rules here, but some of them do make sense.”
The Ads, Bitch!
Mario, the hardest working man in the USU Saturdays Pizza Pan Baby Ohio
LAWRENCE, KS. – Several complaints have been made in reaction to some students’ tribute to The Bill Cosby Show, which was performed during their graduation commencement ceremony at the University of Kansas last Friday. The sketch centered on saying good-bye to those that you love, and thanking them for the memories, using the edgy comedy of beloved comedian Bill Cosby. Many parents and students participating in the ceremony have voiced their anger over the sketch, calling it “offensive,” “distasteful,” and “racist.” “I was shocked,” said Maybelle Claremont. “Here I thought that I paid for my daughter to receive a degree from a safe school, that embraced equality and, and I’m just shocked.” The performance lasted twenty minutes and while the crowd seemed to be silently engrossed in the actors’ efforts, the mass amount of criticism that followed left the performers surprised and a little disheartened. “I thought everyone loved Bill Cosby,” whimpered Jessica Jennings, “I’m mean his show was so influential and so positive. Had I known people didn’t like him we never would have done this.” The five students who participated in the performance, graduating seniors of KU, have now been threatened with expulsion and possible
CPP, chicken alfredo pizza specifically
Late night fast food, for being there when no one else was
Barak Obama, the next President of these United States Our parents
Kurt Vonnegut
Jack D. you are my friend no matter what people say about you. Late night fast food
Dinos, of all kinds, alive or dead…
Entire Men’s Basketball Team
Palahniuk
SuperFan
The Grey Album
Andy Brier
30 Years
Long Beach State Sports Info Department NGP Pam
Richard Haller, thanks for the words John Trapper
F. King Alexander Jack and Debbie
Cheap Tradey J’s Alcohol Paul Tayyar
Graham Thomas
Union Girlfriends/ Boyfriends Gary Busey Spiderman
Campus cats Daily 49rs
time I get to see you guys (even though you’re all passed out and Nothing just peed herself) I just wanted to say goodbye. It’s been four long years since I first wrote for the Grunion, and I’ll never forget how much of a douchebag ABD was when we did our first Count-Pointercount, or how I almost sliced Dead Baby up and put him in my salad, or how well Fancy Lash and I hit it off when he showed up ( ;-)! Xoxo!) and more importantly, how I never learned the rest of the staff ’s names (what was up with penis leg guy, and that pederast priest? Fuck both of those guys!). Also I wanted to let you guys all know about a few things that you all should know: 1) The gap at the turnaround in front of the USU is used for mind control… the Greeks are trying to make you think that Hoobastank is good. Stop waiting 5 minutes to walk through it 2) That was pretty much it… sorry… anyway. Fuck you guys, I’m out of here. Party!
Titus & Patrick Buses
Virginia
Daily 49er Dig
Beachnet Quiznos
Subway, stop threatening our sandwiches with your lettuce 24-Hour Adult Arcades Tennessee
PS2 Hockey games Big-Baby-Boo-Hoo
Sock Mike, for always killing our buzz Shitty pay for teachers Time gypsies Mika
Gypsies
Witches
Limbaugh (for somehow being worse than Imus without losing his job) Imus
Dave Lowery
California State Senate, the only senate we recognize
Responsibility
Shar
You, our readers
1st Amendment
Sundays
AS Senate
H
ey friendship guys and girls! It’s the Cap’n! (yay me!) I was just on campus today for the Lavender Graduation ceremony today (YAY!) so I thought I’d drop by and catch up… but you were all passed out drunk in the dark so I figured I’d just leave a note for when you wake up from nappy time. I know I’ve been gone a lot lately, but I’ve been doing some really great fun things like fighting to end emo everywhere(Cheer up you kids! It’s sunny and Gandhi is dead!) and listening to a lot of Mika (he sounds so happy! Lollipop!). I have also been preparing for my trip to Thailand this summer where I hope to train with a group of kathoey dancers… isn’t that great! I guess it’s also kind of sad, because if I make it I don’t know that I’ll ever come back to Long Beach…. (sad face!)… Since this might be the last
By The Nothing
Shefali Mistry
GRUNION LAV GRAD
Drama Students Still Not Sure What “The Big Deal” Is
Sexy baby dance, meee-eerrp
By Cap’n of Serous Town
ISSUE THE END
George W. Bush, and all his minions National Disasters
Events taking place on Saturdays leaving our staff without parking and quite upset about it This semester
The Next Years Clifton Snyder
Jose C. I hate you for everything you have done to my day afters
Late night fast food, we’re fat
Police Department for not giving me a ride to my broken down car… Dicks The Student Union for closing an hour early, ALWAYS, on weekends Deadlines
Brotman Hall, I’m using you as an excuse for six years Rapists
Creep Stores
Political Reactionaries Steel Reserve
Skinny Jeans/ tights
Thanks Ya Fucks
VOLUME FUCKTARD
WE DO MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL
ISSUE I HOPE YOU CHOKE
What’s black and white and red all over?
Grunion maxis Made from real Grunion newspapers
Kitten Faces Existential Crisis After Reading Camus’ The Plague
NASA’s Missing Monkey Found, Go Fuck Yourselves By The Nothing’s Ex-Neighbor Joe Banks GRUNION EX-NEIGHBOR JOE BANKS
L Considerate Chef Fingers Food
Area Dog Misinterprets Owner’s Enjoyment of Ball-Licking That One Time
ocal Long Beach police officer Grant Tinley came home yesterday to find a dead squirrel monkey in his freezer. When animal control arrived the monkey was identified as TN-22, a monkey NASA registered lost three years ago. The monkey appeared to be uninjured, save for the death. “We’ve been looking for this thing for so long. I just hope it isn’t too late,” said NASA’s head of Super Intelligent Mammals, Pete Sandbuey. Sandbuey went on to say that the hyper-indulgent subject was initially created to help astronauts anticipate mental illness caused by over-exposure to foreign planetary radiation. “TN was given several doses of AWE.50.M3, which is a substance that many surrounding planets emit,” explained Sandbuey, “and can cause increased speed, agility, and the ability to read at a college level in monkeys. TN was our most affected specimen, and a little over three years ago she got out.” When asked how NASA could have allowed such an important experiment to get away, Sandbuey answered, “ We didn’t really think a female would be able to do anything; certainly not open a door for herself.” Further investigation led to Long Beach police finding several documents, allegedly written by the monkey, that were awaiting publication in a local college tabloid. “I’ve never been so close to puking in my hat,” admitted Officer Jacob Gibbs. “I’ve seen a couple of guys do it in movies, but I never
thought it’d come to that. The words, the hate, it…was…just…excuse me…buah hua hua buaaagghhllee buahhh.” After confirming the identity of its only female writer, The Grunion decided in poor taste/memoriam of their lost and now truly cold-hearted contributor, they would publish some of the lost headlines of The Nothing:
“CSULB Defends Gay Rights By Sending All Gays To Space Planet” “Bush Validates National Debt with White House Bounce House, Coke Habit” “Misprint of ‘Light up a Cigar’ Leads to Close of Local Magazine” “CSULB Students Learn How to Take a Joke, Woman Graduates Top of Class” “Midgets Not Tall Enough to Ride This Ride, Into Heaven” “‘Special Students’ Given ‘Special’ Graduation Commencement in Dumpster” “Katrina Victim: ‘At Least I’m Not Mexican’”
NASA released a public announcement apologizing for their irresponsible handling of a situation. “This should have been handled three years ago” said Sandbuey. “It was my fault to trust a female. I am completely to blame. I just hope that TN didn’t break the ‘pretty’ capsule that I gave her to play with.” When asked why he would give the specimen a capsule full of a deadly virus with the potential to kill millions within minutes of being exposed to open air, Sandbuey answered, “It was a female. I thought: how dangerous could she be?” Also found in the freezer was an empty NASA capsule holding a letter written by TN-22 to me, her ex-neighbor. It read: Fuck everyone. Fuck CSULB. Fuck people who can’t joke around. Fuck The Onion and their high and mighty bullshit. Fuck rape. Fuck women who judge a newspaper by its satire. Fuck homemade maxi-pads. Fuck Ed Norton and his fuck you speech. Fuck Brotman Hall and its incompetent staff. Fuck Bush. Fuck people who discipline but don’t counsel. Fuck a mental illness that causes some fucko to shoot innocent people. Fuck censorship. Fuck open-minded people who are closed-minded to anything they don’t believe in. Fuck everyone and fuck this capsule that is holding this really pretty goop that I must, MUST, know more about by breaking it and then jumping into an icebox before I am harmed by its toxins. Fuck the person who defrosts me, and seriously fuck Fantasia.
Avocado Bean Dip’s Last Words Will Be Far Less Offensive Than Any Of The Words That Came Before Them By Avocado Bean Dip
GRUNION REAL GENITALS
Area Mom Wonders What Life Might’ve Been Like If She’d Gone Through With “It”
You’re probably asking yourself why the hell we think we can dedicate an entire page to Grunion goodbyes. The short answer is that we’ve earned it. The long answer is that we need to fill space. The real answer is that we’re egomaniacal assholes who just want to make sure everyone else appreciates us like we appreciate ourselves. So please do us a favor and read our words and laugh at our jokes, and don’t feel bad if you don’t “get it.” It’s probably at no fault of your own. There’s a banner that hangs across the Grunion basement that reads: “If all else fails, make yourself laugh.” I’ve torn that banner down and replaced it with a stream of used toilet paper, both to spite Sheryl Crow and because no one noticed the difference. But honestly, we couldn’t care less if you actually found the Grunion funny at any point in the past 4 years. That was never the point. What we do care about is whether or not you’ve been offended by the pictures and/or words we’ve printed. If so, why? Is it because you’ve been programmed to think that certain “curse” words are not suitable for public consumption? Is it because there are certain types of zombies that should have never seen the light of day? Is it because you
despise the photographic images of the human anatomy? Or does John Goodman repulse you as much as he does us? You probably won’t believe me when I tell you that I’ve never been surprised when people take offense to our content. It’s cold, it’s calculated, and it’s down right in poor taste. But that’s the beauty of the Grunion: you made the conscious decision to turn the paper upside down and enter into our twisted world of humor. You’re not the same person when you’re reading the Grunion, and you love it because you can laugh at cancer and you can chuckle at stereotypes in a way that would never be suitable in reality. You’ve fallen down a deep and dark rabbit hole into a world where everything is funny because you’ve allowed yourself to detach from the ugliness, pain, and horrors of the reality around you. That’s some pretty deep shit, huh? I should know; I once went to a Philosophy class on mushrooms. I’ve done some pretty wicked things in my time – crashed the Queen Mary into the Long Beach World Trade Center, dropped the f bomb like it was hot, and really just acted like a rude little
prick. I can now see the errors of my ways. I guess you could say that I’ve ripened in my old age. But believe me that everything I’ve ever said was in jest. If you weren’t aware, the way you can tell the difference between a sexist and a racist and a comedian is that a sexist and a racist don’t find what they say funny. They’re serious when they say it, and comedians find that funny. So there it is. That’s the last you’ll ever hear from me again, I promise.
VOLUME THE LAST
ITSOVER.LBUNION.BLOGSPOT.GOV
Grunion Staffers Say Goodbye The Only Way They Know How
FUCK YOURSELF
ISSUE NEVERMORE
Low Turn-Out For Area Chimp’s One-Man Play
Editor, Fancy Lash’s Suicide Letter Headlines Grunion Published. Fuck Your Mother. John Goodman Pulls Cock Out At Orphanage
By Fancy Lash
GRUNION EDITOR
I Chris Hanson Arrives Five Minutes Too Late
Area Man Recently Diagnosed With AIDS
t may come as some surprise, to those who knew me in love and in life, that the horse-shaped tumor, which resided just below my sternum, was not the cause of my demise. And although it was my horseshaped, cancerous-cross to bear, my final injuries, and ultimate loss of human spirit came at the hands of a rather cross bear. The long story, told in a short manner, is that I refused to relinquish one of several honey pots, which I had procured from an empty cave while summering in Yosemite. The beast and I palavered a great deal, and finally came to the conclusion that I either return the honey to said bandit bear (who had himself, that very day prior, been party to the pilfering of said honey from yonder beehive) or lose the use of my Segway, which I had parked, carelessly and untethered at the mouth of the cave. It was at that moment that it came upon me, the great urge to think about the troubles that lay before me. And thought I did, whilst indulging myself in but a palm full of undiluted honey. The bittersweet taste, some might argue, arguably rivaled the feelings which I felt as I watched the hasty grizzly king lay waste to my sole form of mechanized transportation. And so it was that I wandered the forest, a humbled and humiliated, honey-rich wretch, with nothing more than my legs to carry me home. I have never been the same since that
fateful day. I turned twice-fold to liquor to ease the pain of my underdeveloped developing muscles. It may also come as some surprise to those who knew me in life and in love, that the bottle, neither too, was the source of my demise. But so now it is that you find my corpse, swaying languidly from the rafters of an empty room, with nothing more than a puddle of melted ice from an ice block that I stood on while I tied my noose beneath me. A mystery, my death. It was my folly, of course, to believe that the lecherous water molecules would sustain their form long enough for me to tie a knot that adequately satisfied my aesthetic criteria (and one knows, that the only way in which one should ever attempt such a loop, is with the hempen strand wrapped snuggly around one’s own neck). Luckily, given the nature of my death, and the fact that I died of asphyxiation, rather than a broken neck, my writing faculties, while slightly dulled by the slow ache of death, were still very much intact. So it is, that I write you this letter. Hanging from the rafters and hoping for nothing more than a few seconds less in this wretched, wretched world. You should like to believe, I can imagine, that the greedy bear is the sole distresser of my nerves and chief agitator of my death. You, however, are a cunt. You are all cunts. Every last one of you. Particularly, those of you with aversions to the word. You, my dears, are the most cuntliest cunts of all. For
you shift blame to bears in times of crisis and never look inward for the abominable acts which plague this poor planet. You cannot take a joke, and do not know your friends from your foes. You are gullible. You derive your definition of the word “satire” from Wikipedia, and then only ever read or remember the lines which best serve you to defame the character of the art form’s few defenders. You destroy literature and suppress ideas while waving the flag of progression and liberalism. You are nazi-faggot cunts. You seep an oily viscous fluid that resembles wet, crumbled Oreos and hamburger meat and I’m glad to be rid of you. I’m going home to my friends. Go fuck yourselves. Fancy Lash
Local Grunion Writer Loses Faith, Kills Self. Man, Fuck All Y’all By The Demon McKenzie GRUNION FUCKO
Fleshlight Saving Area Man A Fortune In Tube Socks And Toilet Paper
Last week, Father McKenzie killed hisself at the age of 23. The Father, a devout Catholic his entire life, had recently grown so disillusioned with his life and world that he chose to commit the grievous sin of suicide, damning him to an eternity in hell. While on Earth, he was a prolific and occasionally funny member of the satirical writing group, the Grunion. While there, he made many amazing friends and felt artistically at home for the first time in his life. He also pissed people off. Kind of a lot of people, actually. McKenzie left behind a suicide note, which provided some insight into his state of mind before he killed himself, reportedly by removing his skin layer by layer with a potato peeler. “You couldn’t understand unless you’ve been through it for the last three years,” he wrote in a sloppy script. “I’ve seen literally a FUCKING HUNDRED people tell the Senate, or the Media Board, that ‘they understand the importance of free speech, but won’t you please cater to my special interest? Won’t you please stop making fun of me and mine? I understand that free speech is
the foundation, the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of this country, but my religion/gender/race/sexual orientation has been through enough. Can’t you just play nice with us and only us?’ In a word: No. How the fuck does that make sense? “Life is hard. It’s hard on everyone. The people who wrote the Grunion were piss poor, fucked over little fuckers. The Grunion was the drain clog they all got stuck in on the way out of decent civilization. There is no one in the world they hate more than themselves, and they’d sooner slit their wrists than ‘play nice’ with a particular group of people. The point of tearing down stereotypes, and making fun of them, is to make people remember that before you’re a denomination or demographic, you’re a fucking human being. Just like us. And we hate you just as much as we hate ourselves. If you think we can have first amendment rights AND play softball with you, you’re missing the point.”
McKenzie’s writing becomes illegible at this point, as his pen ran out of ink and he began scribbling in his own waste. After that he made a point of thanking, “All the other Grunion writers, except for the few that weren’t really that funny. To the other Grunion writers who have already kicked the bucket out into hell, I’m coming for you.” McKenzie, uponst shuffling off his mortal coil, immediately plummeted down to hell, where he was greeted by Satan, his new lord and master. Now, McKenzie (that’s me by the way, fuck-os) is making dirty fucking jokes for all eternity. It ain’t half bad. I’d say it’s been real, but frankly, it’s been the most unreal experience of my life. Thank you and fuck you all at once. “I had hoped to be merely ludicrous. But this is a hard world to be ludicrous in, with so many human beings so reluctant to laugh, so incapable of thought, so eager to believe and snarl and hate.” -Kurt Vonnegut
Disclaimer: The Grunion is in its 30th year and will probably outlive Jesus. We don’t need to move a rock or come back from the dead, because we’re not going anywhere. And like that man that died on the cross we have a point of view that is loved by some and reviled by Jews/others. Some of the acronyms that do not share our point of view are CSULB, ASI and the GOP. As a matter of fact, our views don’t represent anyone. Ever. In most cases the satire and jokes produced for this page don’t even reflect the views of the writers. We’re not John Swift and we don’t like the taste of babies very much anymore. Send Bible passages and vitriol to fancylash@lbunion.com. This one’s for you, The End!