61.02

[Issue 61.2] “All that a city will ever allow you is an angle on it—an oblique, indirect sample of what it contains, or what passes through it; a point of view.” - Peter Conrad

G

rowing up in a city where the motto was (and I stress the “was”) “Finest City in America,” I was brainwashed into thinking that San Diego was the greatest city anyone could ever live in. With semi-clean air, great beaches, a revamped downtown, fantastic attractions, and perpetually perfect weather I never argued with SD’s lofty claim, that is, until I moved to Long Beach.

Before I ever laid eyes on Long Beach my closest images of this city came from Snoop Dogg videos.

I thought people were being gunned down all over the place, and crack rocks were being slung to nineyear-olds in plain view of elderly citizens. To put it plainly, I never saw myself living here, ever.

So when it was time to transfer to a real college, and my decisions were between San Diego State, and Long Beach State, I thought it wise to go see this ghetto wonderland that Snoop had spoken so highly of. I braced myself for the worst when I took the 7th street exit off the 22 freeway. I turned down my music, rolled up the windows, and made damn sure I didn’t make any eye contact.

To my surprise, Long Beach didn’t resemble anything I’d imagined. The second I stepped foot on this campus I knew I’d found something special, something hidden. It took me almost my entire first semester to fully realize how special Long Beach actually is. I, like many of you reading this, was a commuter. At that time, I lived in a bubble that stretched from Anaheim Hills to Newport Beach (and yes, I know how sheltered that sounds). But the second I moved here and ventured out on my own, drove down streets I hadn’t previously seen, and wandered on foot from 2nd st. to Downtown, I found the true heart of this city; this city I now consider “The Finest City in America.”

Sure, Long Beach has its rougher parts, and not everything is painted in pastels and happy faces, but this city is amazing through and through. I’ve been

lucky enough to travel all over the world, and I’ve seen cities from San Fran to New York, but there’s something about this town that has embedded itself inside of me. I think it’s LB’s pulse, a spirit that is absent in so many other “great” cities that makes this one so special. But this is just me and what I have found that makes this city special. Any city can be amazing, it’s just how you see it.

In my opinion, Long Beach is found on Broadway and 4th, Anaheim and Pine Ave., 2nd and Junipero.

Every day I find something new that adds to my love of this city.

So here it is. Every year the Union does a “Best of Long Beach” issue, and this is not it. We decided that for everyone’s sake we would show you some of our favorite places in Long Beach, but with a twist.

The average college student lives off of what? About a couple of bucks a day—if that. So what we decided to do was give you a broke college student’s guide to LB that everyone can enjoy.

So people, if your knowledge of LB is from Bellflower to PCH, you’re truly missing out; it’s time to discover what this city means to you. Just get lost (preferably during the day) and see what you find. I promise you Long Beach is nothing like a track from The Chronic. But thanks Snoop, maybe you’ve kept people out of LB all along, and I really appreciate it, dawg.

On a side note, we here at the Union Weekly do indeed understand that this week is one that every American will remember for the rest of their lives, we have just decided to Dino of the Week reflect on it personally and encourage you to deal with it whichever way you feel fit.

–Ryan Kobane Editor-In-Chief

Gary

September Horoscopes Taurus

By Tessah Schoenrock & Ynez Tongson Scorpio

-Someone told me that there’s bull semen in Red Bull. That isn’t true, but it is an homage to your sexual virility and general awesomeness. This month, the world is your orgy. Bukkake on it. It’ll be begging for more.

-You fail at life and your mother is not proud. You

-If you aren’t already living in a tent over a freeway,

Sagittarius

Gemini

you will be soon. I suggest you start collecting recipes for small game (rodents) soon. It’ll ease the process. Tell your friends you’re on a journey to find yourself to cover up the fact that really, you’re just a bum.

Cancer

-You are a shining beacon of light in the lives of

those around you. People will worship the ground you walk on. You might as well call yourself Jesus Christ for God’s sake (ha ha—get it?). Exploit this for all it’s worth—you can start by forming your own cult religion, perhaps. It worked for L. Ron Hubbard...

-You will begin to receive creepily inappropriate

gifts from a random girl you met at a party. No use hiding from this one—just slip her a couple of Valium next time and run for your life/lawyer’s office. Next time you see this girl she will have a newborn baby named after you. Run! RUN!!

Capricorn

-This is your month to repent for last month’s

excessive boozing and public humiliation. Get off your ass, join a gym, say about fifty Hail Marys, and maybe you’ll break even. Your girlfriend will never forgive you for pissing in her bed last Friday, though.

Leo

Aquarius

brain will explode. Trust me on this, the stars told me so. Fuck as a favor to all those around you; while it doesn’t look as cool, love juices are easier to clean off than brain goo.

from Vons this month. You can get them at Planned Parenthood for free, you retard.

-If you don’t get laid within the next five hours, your

Virgo

-In her insanely catchy ditty “Dignity,” Hilary Duff

asks, “Where’s your, where’s your, where’s your dignity? You must have lost it in the Hollywood Hills.” Well, Virgo—this month you leave yours in a sticky patch on a seat on the Blue Line—best place for it, I’d say!

Libra

-Watch out for emotionally stunted fuckwads this

month. “You’re the most beautiful girl at this party” translates to “You’re the only one here drunk enough not to notice my adult braces.” Required reading: Pocket Dictionary of Drunk Boy-isms. I think they have it in the bookstore.

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basically need to crawl into a corner and die. Are you paying attention to this? Of course not, you’re a Scorpio. I don’t think a Scorpio’s ever listened to anything I’ve ever said. This is generally a good thing.

-Your month of insane rabbit fucking will come to a close when you get caught stealing condoms

Pisces

-Not being able to find parking is the Universe’s

way of telling you that you are not loved. Try to pay attention to what the Universe is telling you this month. In addition, that hooker you’ve been frequenting is posting pictures of your gore fetish online. Sorry.

Ryan Kobane Editor-in-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Michael Pallotta Matt Dupree

Associate Editors Darren Davis Business Manager

ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com darren@lbunion.com

Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Michaël Veremans Opinion Editors Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Earl Grey Grunion Editor

vince@lbunion.com kathy@lbunion.com zummy@lbunion.com victor@lbunion.com reinman@lbunion.com earlgrey@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas Literature Editor & PR Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Erin Hickey Ryan ZumMallen Matt Dupree Copy Editors Vincent Girimonte Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver

philip@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com steven@lbunion.com science@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Drew Evans Off-Campus Distribution Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Derek Crossley, Drew Evans, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Tessah Schoenrock, Rachel Rufrano, David Faulk, Danielle Slakoff, Jason C. Bonzon, Paul Hovland, Ynez Tongson, Sergio Ascencio, Brandi Perez, Leslie Stanton.

Contributors

Cover Designed by Andrew Wilson Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly.

Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Aries

-Life is about give and take. Sure people

adore you, but sometimes you have to give a little. Commit yourself to doing random acts of kindness or alternately, letting someone fuck you in the ass. You know, you just might like it. I mean, a freak like you, I’m almost betting you’ll love it.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments?

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone 562.985.4867 Fax 562.985.5684 E-mail info@lbunion.com Web www.lbunion.com

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10 September 2007

Opinions A Little Advice For The Future Bill Clintons

By Kathy Miranda Opinions Editor

P

oliticians as of late confuse me. As I put myself in their shoes, I imagine a life of superior recognition, unlimited pardons and well, lots and lots of money.

And while I admire the confidence and expertise that is necessary to carry out this profession, I am little bit surprised when I learn that another government official has committed yet another lewd act of conduct.

In the most recent political scandal, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested due to suspicion of lewd conduct. The senator reportedly reached under the bathroom stall with his foot at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport allegedly seeking illicit foreplay.

The controversies surrounding the senator eventually led to his decision to resign, only to later be reconsidered. The guilty plea made by Craig was said to be out of pressure from the media and fear of losing his credibility, a fear that should have been considered before playing footsie in the bathroom.

And need I remind anyone of the Foley Scandal? Former Republican Senator Mark Foley was accused of sending sexually explicit instant messages to young boys.

Foley resigned last September as a result of the incident. Isn’t there something in the rule book that tells people who run for office that they aren’t allowed to do those things? Or wait, is that just common sense? Or maybe just ethics? I don’t know, I’m just saying.

“Politicians are under a huge spotlight.

It’s not fair to mock them for a mistake they’ve made. The pressure must be intense and I sympathize with them. It’s hard enough having a job like theirs.”

-Ruben Cunanan, Senior

an entire city/state/country, but I would imagine that an individual with such renown would stop and think twice “I think that politicians should be before doing something so unwise. more aware that their actions affect So, everyday as of late, I’d turn on the news to learn the reputations of not only themthat another Hollywood celebrity got arrested, went to selves but also the American people.” rehab and attempted to “get better”, which is expected and to some, amusing. But when I turn on the news and see a -Michael Sonke, Sophomore man in a black and white suit admitting to any one of the aforementioned incidents, I lose a little—a lot of faith in our government and the people who run our country. I’m not saying that any of the congressmen who have been accused of sexual offenses are bad people. I’m saying the media is a tricky territory and no matter how discreet you may be, every elected official should be especially aware. As a senator, a governor and especially a president, there are certain expectations to be met. I may sound banal but apparently, the lecture needs to be heard.

Also, a little advice for the future Bill Clinton’s of the world: if you plan on having a little fun with the future Monica Lewinksy’s, maybe you should try your hand at the entertainment business. That way we’ll laugh instead of becoming more and more disappointed with the leaders of our country. As you know, our president isn’t exactly the employee of the year.

There is a fine line between a Illustration By Victor! Perfecto celebrity mishap and a political scandal; one is entertaining and the other is a It’s not just the Republican senators who are having all the joke on us (and a very sad joke at that). fun. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa recently divulged his secret love affair with Mirthala Salinas, an anchor from Telemundo.

Of course, the mayor’s personal life doesn’t directly affect his “You would think after Clinton and all professional life, but even so, being a mayor who advocates the other scandals that have happened family values and cheating on your wife with an anchor who in the past, people would learn. It’s supported your campaign doesn’t really set an example for unfortunate that we aren’t able to make your supporters, or your kids. I mean, just because you run an entire city doesn’t mean infidelity is okay. any progress.”

Ironically, I’m not surprised that one of our socalled leaders of the country attempted to solicit sex in -Ryan Cousart, Sophomore a public restroom, no, that’s not what bothers me. What continues to irk me is the lack of judgment present in the decisions made by such highly acclaimed and professional Questions? Comments? individuals. I understand the amount of pressure that Kathy Miranda can be reached at: kathy@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com there must be on any profession that involves running

College: Have it Your Way or How to Create Your Own Major

By Jason C. Bonzon Contributor

Illustration By Erin Copernicus Hickey

10 September 2007

My name is Jason and I created my own major. The program is not called “create-your-own-major,” it’s called the Interdisciplinary Studies Program. Not too many people know that CSU Long beach offers interdisciplinary studies, or at least not the people I’ve talked to, and I talk to a lot of students( not just because I like to, but also because I work for ASI and sometimes its unavoidable.)

Juuuuust kidding!

Our college is one of the few universities that offers the Interdisciplinary Studies Program for students who feel that their academic and career goals would be better reached with a tailor-made major in which they would actually be interested.

I mentioned before that not too many students are informed about the program.

I think that’s a good thing, as it sorts out the students who only see the options

in front of them from the students who seek more (much like the program itself).

Almost two years ago, I was in the Career Development Center stressing to my counselor that I didn’t want to graduate with the major I had at the time. I told him that I had taken classes in other disciplines for fun and over the years I noticed how the concepts I learned in one class made my other classes more interesting.

For example, by taking Psychology, Philosophy, and Theater classes, I had an insight into how influential our entertainment industry is, as well as the importance of having characters of depth. “If we identify with characters, and stories contribute to our ideals, it is essential to have an accurate depiction of humanity.”

If you’re a student who thinks laterally and is interested in the program, the process goes as follows: set up an interview with the IS advisor, write an essay clarifying your goals, select your classes from a course catalog, gather required consents from the relevant departments, and finally, register for, and pass the classes (that you chose!).

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

I used to complain that my grades were bad because I wasn’t interested in the subjects I was taking. Now I have no excuse because I like every class I take! Some of my friends and family are fearful that an Interdisciplinary Studies major is not as valuable as a well established major. But I and my future employers will know that, as a critical thinking student at CSU Long Beach, I had the right balance of practicality, creativity, and the pioneering spirit to create a major accurately reflecting his personal strengths, interests, and goals.

If you think for yourself, even if it means disagreeing with the opinions of your friends, family, colleagues, and professors you’re off to a good start. I don’t know if its worth the effort yet because I’m not finished with the program, but I’ve enjoyed it every step of the way—even the 50 page paper due at the end of this semester.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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[Opinions]

Point(counter)Point

Nothing Left for Me to Do But Dance?

Time Isn’t Relative, It’s Incestuous

By Derek Crossley Union Staffer I’m getting older. Too old to be going to school, that’s for sure. But in general, in my day to day life, I can see the effects of age. I don’t really like partying as much, at least not in the same way. Clubs make me want to slice my wrists with techno and electro-clash records and bleed all over their tattered pants and teased hair. I can really do without having some seventeen yearold girls with a fake ID “grinding” like it’s 1996 and I’m at my seventh-grade dance trying to feel Lauren Angelo’s boobs against my chest. She developed early.

It just bores me now; there’s no way I would take a girl home from a place like that. And bars are no better.

There’s the trashy hipster bars down the street, where once again I feel like I’m fourteen, or forty—I’m not sure.

Or I’ll hit up L.A. and be surrounded by people in their thirties pretending to be in their teens thanks to the help of Botox and elective surgery.

Once again, I can do without that.

I’m in a strange place in my life. Most people in my situation would be done with school, have a crappy job that makes them decent money, and a semiserious relationship where the M-word is being tossed around.

No thanks. I may be old, but I’m not boring, yet. But that’s the thing that confused me when I was younger.

I was clinging so hard to being young, doing the same, silly things. Because that’s what I thought being young was: playing, skipping, bouncing balls, running, tripping, laughing, you know, little kid shit. But when I really thought about it, when I finally took a step back, I realized that what’s so special about being young is you are constently changing. You are always learning stuff and discovering new things. Everything is a surprise. Being young has nothing to do with how tight your pants fit or if your hair is highlighted just right.

Being young is all about changing all the time, it’s all about trying new things; not just holding on desperately, and pathetically I might add, to the things that you enjoyed when you were actually young.

So do something new, make a new friend. Stop going to the same boring places because they are full of “good memories.” Stop living in the past and have a childhood again, a renaissance of irresponsibility. If anyone wants to go to the Discovery Science Center with me, my e-mail is at the bottom.

Why? Because I’ve never been and I’d like to go, because, most importantly, you get to go inside a dinosaur. How cool is that?

And until the day I’m no longer excited about going inside a huge dinosaur (even if it is made of plastic or something) I’ll be pretty happy with myself. Seriously though, you get to go INSIDE A DINOSAUR. Questions? Comments?

Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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By Vince Girimonte

By Darren Davis

Dancetronique Love Machine

Huck Finn Look-alike

It was during a conversation regarding my unbelievable dancing talent where I first learned of CSULB’s ban on purely recreational student dances. I was taken aback for a few reasons, namely that my plans for a college prom were now on the ropes, incidentally hindering my quest for that first slow dance. But really, putting an end to dances based on a fear of outside influences causing harm to students reeks of high school dramatics, like the time those bad boys from across the tracks stuck a flask under their belt and got every chick smashed in the cafeteria. I understand: if violence was present in the past, a change was probably deemed necessary given the nature of stabbings and their negative effects on people’s safety. But that’s years in the past and a problem we can and should be able to extinguish.

The moratorium on dancing, however, does not extend to clubs, such as the breakdancing or salsa dancing cliques. If there is some educational value (if there is, in fact, any) inherent in the clubs’ practices, then it’s acceptable to have meetings on campus and shake a leg. But say you want to organize a school-wide disco, or something of the like, for students and their dates; then “exceptions” would have to be made.

I’m not saying it’s implausible that a dance could come to fruition at CSULB, I just wouldn’t polish my dancing shoes anytime soon.

I just wish it were easier, maybe.

I wish igniting any new flame around here were easier, and not a massive pain in the ass. I get the feeling President Alexander has similar feelings. Take the quote from his favorite economist, John Kenneth Galbraith in his first address to the ASI Student Senate this year: “The conventional view protects us from the pain of thinking.” Not exactly veiled criticism, nor inflammatory enough for our leaders to recognize any sort of angst. Whether or not he was directly referring to his disgust over the no-dance policy, my hopes were raised when I saw him two-step out of the senate chambers. The King can dance, and wants to, nay, needs to.

Darren Davis had a stroke when he was a young boy, stealing from his left leg all mobility and thus his ability to dance. His rendition of the hokie pokie is both pathetic and heartwarming, as well as a true triumph of mind over laughter. Don’t ruin it for us able-bodied groove-machines, Darren. You can still slow dance.

Elvis Costello had it right when he sang “If he says no dancing, there is going to be no dancing.” Well I am saying no dancing.

The facts about CSULB’s no-dance policy are as elusive as Vince Girimonte’s waning sexuality. As the story goes, back in the eerie, monochromatic world of silent film, dances were held on campus, college proms if you will. As unappealing as that idea sounds, it was made worse by the fact that a budding young student was harmed at one of these events in a manner involving a shiv hidden among hundreds upon hundreds of sweaty, gyrating hips. Stabbed. Hips.

Despicable.

While there is nothing funny about one student harming another, especially in an atmosphere you would think of as safe, there is humor in believing college students need dances.

Why extend high school awkwardness and triviality to the collegiate experience? Are we not adults? Did we not torture and embarrass ourselves to become adults?

Are we now masochists? Masochists in a state of Girimonte-esque man-child arrested development?

No one misses school dances anyway. If they did, we would be crashing them by now. The student body would have fought long and hard, year after year, with vigor and purpose to get them back.

There would be a bombardment of pro-dance propaganda. People would organize. There would be lunch-time flash mobs, hundreds of students pouring into the quad at noon to rhythmically hump each other. Someone would hire Christopher Walken to leap from building to building à la Fatboy Illustration By Matthew Vermillion Byrd Slim’s “Weapon of Choice.”

Footloose would be a rallying point for many students channeling Kevin Bacon as they scream, “Hey, hey! What’s this I see? I thought this was a party. LET’S DANCE!” in front of the President’s office.

A special election would be held, and more than the usual 8% of students would turn out to vote.

So that leaves Vince, among a scattered number of other Union staffers, left believing we deserve our dancing privileges. And all they want to do is dress in fedoras and ask freshman girls questions like, “So hey, do you have a birthmark?” Have some class, gentlemen.

Go to a club if you want to shake it like a salt shaker, or a Polaroid picture, or a gravy boat. I’ll even buy you a G & T, Vinnie. Just go with it baby.

Got an argument?

Send your Point/Counterpoints to kathy@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

The Train’s Left the Station Platform

By Michaël Veremans Opinions Editor For those of you lucky enough to have been on campus during the summer, the fall semester hustle and bustle last week was probably a bit overwhelming.

You see, when the semester isn’t in, the school is a ghost town. It’s like a peaceful garden, with freshmen floating around during their break from UNIV 100. All the restaurants have reduced hours and the Union staff is busy typing away and yelling at each other.

Then, at around 8 a.m. on Tuesday, the deluge began. I arrived fashionably late at about 11:30, dropped off in front of the Union. That morning I had watched as ants climbed up and down a table that had some leftovers on top of it. The scene at the turnaround reminded me of that; the student body, the mass, the people (as Marx would say), and my first view of an American crowd since my return from Germany.

Life has been pretty crazy in the last fifteen months, what with spending time in foreign countries and all. I have to watch out when I shop because here the tax isn’t included in the price, but I don’t have to separate my trash into six different recycling bins or speak with Germans all day. The first thing I saw when I first arrived

back was the incredible diversity we have in America, and particularly here on campus. So many different cultures and languages happening all around me.

In Germany, everyone exclusively speaks German, and just about everyone comes from a homogenous German background. I never saw the genetic variables that we take for granted in Southern California. We are the most dynamic and diverse country in the world; we have the most options and opportunities. The crowds of students wandering around between classes are all uniquely responsible for our future and it’s good to be home.

The walkways buzz with the voices and energy of the students that welcome me home to the eternal summer of Southern California. The sparse, cobblestone streets of Tübingen are pushed to the side by wide sidewalks and promenades, teeming with loud and lively Americans. Since I returned, the biggest culture shock has been the immense human diversity on campus. And the beauty of coming home to L.A. just when it threatened to become a hazy dream to a study abroad student drinking too much Bier makes waiting in line at the bookstore a little less tedious.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

10 September 2007

News

Plans to Gild Pyramid Underway

By Vincent Girimonte

C

News Director

SULB is balling. We are again “among the nation’s best” according to the Princeton Review, an ambiguously worded honor we take year in and year out.

On-campus housing is also on the rise with the recent addition of Brooks College to the dorm system, hopefully housing students by 2009. And that recreation center: it’s coming, regardless of your opinion on racquetball.

The icing on the cake has been the university’s annual fundraising tally announced this summer, amounting to $27.3 million.

That’s an increase of nearly 35.3 percent from the previous year and roughly $7 million.

CSULB is beginning to separate itself as an elite institution within the CSU system, the boatload of cash more evidence of a thriving university intent on change.

“The reputation of Cal State Long Beach, our extraordinary alumni and the community’s belief in the university’s mission are key factors to our successful year,” said Andrea Taylor, vice president for University Relations and Development, in a press release over summer.

The largest corporate donor was the Bernard Osher Foundation based out of San Francisco, shelling out $998,467 for the campus’ Lifelong Learning Institute, sponsored by the College of Health and Human Services volunteers. Each

10 September 2007

larger donor has a specific interest in mind when donating generous amounts, such as the $400,000 gift from the Freeman Foundation to aid Chinese teachers. Collectively, these special interests have given the university an enormous

their commitments to the university, so the fact that we’ve had a successful year definitely suggests support for President Alexander after his first year and a half,” added Beron, emphasizing his active role in the fundraising push by being a presence among the donors.

This should really come as no surprise to those in tune with Alexander and his charisma. He has made a point of revitalizing the school’s centrality, with sports and on-campus housing playing the larger roles. Keeping students close to campus has been a major theme in his short tenure, and thus far has only received positive feedback.

“Clearly, his vision for Cal State Long Beach has had resonance with the donors who support us.”

Illustration By Clay Cooper 65,000 beach-hungry students boost as it breaks ground on various projects. sent in applications to CSULB, the most the Alumni contribution is also on the rise. university has ever received. Not all of them According to Toni Beron, Associate Vice Presi- were accepted, however. That would just be dent of University Relations, alums within ridiculous. The new surge in fundraising revtwenty miles of campus have increased their enue will only help to serve more of these prosupport in both new donors and dollars given. spective students, or at least continue CSULB’s At $492,499, the local alumni funds for 2006- growing lure throughout the state. If the Princ2007 saw an increase of over $50,000, a total eton Review had a rating for “Oh that school one can expect to climb in the years to come. is so hot right now,” count on us topping the Beron believes that efforts put fourth by list. As it stands currently, we are the second President F. King Alexander have elevated the most populated CSU behind Cal State Fullerschool’s fundraising prowess. “Donors tend to ton, and third in California with an enrollment note their approval of a president’s work by approaching 40,000 students.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

NEWS You Don’t Know

But Should

By Chris Barrett Union Science Guy

A Third of College Athletes Suffer From Exercise-Induced Asthma A study out of Ohio State University Medical Center’s Asthma Center this week has found that a staggering one in three varsity college athletes have exercise-induced asthma despite few of them showing any prior signs of asthma. This is in contrast to seven percent of Americans who are known to suffer from asthma and about only one in ten people without an asthma history suffering from exercise-related asthma.

The study was conducted in response to emerging trends of asthma attacks. “We targeted varsity athletes in this study, because many of the reported severe episodes of asthma provoked by exercise have occurred among competitive athletes under the age of 21,” said Dr. Jonathan Parsons, associate director of the Ohio State University Medical Center’s Asthma Center.

The researchers also call for routine monitoring of all athletes as they conclude that history of symptoms is not enough to predict who may or may not be at risk for an attack.

Questions? Comments?

Chris Barrett can be contacted at science@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

5

Sports

“Duh” Moment O’ The Week Pitcher-turned-slugger Rick Ankiel’s “unbelievable” fairytale story actually makes sense after reports surfaced that he received a year’s supply of HGH in 2004. Shoulda seen that one coming.

49ers Displayed Skills Overseas While You Slept In Did you know that Long Beach State is consistently producing world class athletes? It’s true. Ask any

one of a handful of 49ers that balled all over Earth this summer.

By Sergio Ascencio Contributor

W

hile most of us were out roaming the local beaches, raking in extra hours on the job or just catching up on leisure time during the summer, a select group of student-athletes took their game global.

Obviously the World University Games and Pan American Games are not the Olympics in terms of popularity. But they are summer events with world class athletes, events and ambience. And three studentathletes from Long Beach State got to participate in these events, representing their respective countries.

That is certainly the case for Danny Espinoza, Hannah Grady and Paul Lotman, the three 49ers who all expressed patriotic pride and relished the opportunity to experience different cultures from exotic countries.

Athletic Director Vic Cegles believes that these student-athletes demonstrate the quality of Long Beach State sports.

Lotman (above) makes new friend in Thailand; Espinoza (lower left) smiles overseas; Grady (lower right) shows her colors at the World University Games.

“That’s the great thing about athletics,” said Cegles. “They can provide opportunities and experiences for young people they may not get elsewhere.”

Espinoza can’t figure out if he spent more time on a plane or a baseball diamond. So don’t be surprised that if this slick-fielding shortstop ends up as a travel agent if baseball doesn’t work out. Espinoza, a junior, spent two months of his summer playing for the U.S. National team, led by Dirtbag skipper Mike Weathers. The squad won the silver medal at the Pan American Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and played eight games in the Netherlands.

Espi and the National Team faced more than their fair share of tough competition.

For instance, the Cuban team—who defeated the U.S. in the Pan-Am gold medal game—had the same roster that lost to Japan in the finals of the inaugural World Baseball Classic in 2006. And that was a tournament with major leaguers.

“Playing that level of competition was really tough,” Espinoza said. “I mean, we are playing men with families and we were a bunch of college kids. It was a lot different, but fun.”

The trip to Brazil was no Carnaval. The U.S. team had constant federal officer surveillance on their living complex. Strong rains pushed games back by days and by that time the fields were muggy, and play-

ing conditions were horrendous. As was the 28-hour trip back to the U.S. because of nine hours in layovers.

The trip to the Netherlands wasn’t as successful as they would have hoped—where the team went .500—but off the field they had a more enjoyable time. Visits to the Van Gogh Museum and Anne Frank House in Amsterdam highlighted the experience.

On the field, Espinoza struggled to transition from aluminum to wooden bats—“You could tell other teams were more experienced with the wooden bat,” he says— starting the summer 0-20 but ending on an eight-game hitting streak. He started in 24 of 38 games, batting .215 with two doubles, eight RBIs and scoring 11 runs.

Paul Lotman got to travel to Bangkok,

Thailand for the World University Games.

He seemed content just being named to the U.S. men’s volleyball squad, calling the experience “incredible.” A former walk-on, the 6’7” outside hitter played major minutes for the bronze medal winning squad, allowing Lotman to spend some extra bonding time with his current coach, CSULB head coach Alan Knipe, who led the U.S. team through the summer. Lotman started in seven of the eight matches finishing with 63 kills, 8 blocks and 3 aces in the tourney.

“Just playing with those guys and playing at that level for the summer has already helped me so much,” Lotman said. “I know that this season I will do a lot better than last year.”

Which is something that Coach Knipe will be happy to hear, as the pair hope to improve upon CSULB’s 11-17 record last season. The summer games certainly gave them a taste for victory.

The U.S. team’s only loss came to eventual gold medal winner, Turkey. Lotman said he had expectations of coming back home with gold but still was satisfied with the trip. His favorite part was visiting Buddhist temples, impeccable waterfalls and the joy of riding an elephant. He really liked the elephants.

Tennis star Hannah Grady rocked the red, white and blue attire at the World University Games as well. Except she was reppin’ Great Britain. Grady, a native of England and two-time Big West Player of the Year played in three matches at the Games. She split decisions in her singles matches and lost her one doubles contest.

But don’t expect that to get her down.

“It was incredible to see so many athletes,” Grady said. “It is something I may never do again.”

She said that putting on the uniform with the British flag on it is the ultimate honor, and was wowed by the spectacle of the opening and closing ceremonies.

“That was definitely the highlight of the trip.”

Cegles said he hopes students across campus recognize and support the hard work put in by the athletes here at The Beach. He commended the athletes on their achievements and hopes they value their experiences abroad.

“There are things in life that just expand your mind and affect your life forever.”

Questions? Comments?

Let us know what you think at www.lbunion.com Also, check out the Union SportsNight podcast for more!

How You’re Going to Get/Stay in Shape This Semester All the cool kids play campus intramurals—where you can quench your thirst for competition, and glory days never die.

By Brandi Perez Contributor Put the dumbells down and leave them there. Summer is over and so are agonizing workout sessions at the gym.

The school year has begun, so it’s time to hit the library and gain back those pounds you worked so hard to shed, right? Well, luckily for CSULB students there’s a way for them to pack up their swimsuits and still keep their beach bods.

With 13 intramural sports, 24 club sports and several fitness classes offered this semester, students are sure to find a fun way of staying active without needing

6

a gym membership. rink playing ice hockey are definitely a few “We’re just trying to stay in shape,” said ways to get students out of the classroom.

Glen McDonald, Director of Intramurals.

McDonald said joining an intramural “Fitness is important. There are different sport is an alternative for those who want variations that [students] can look at.” to exercise but don’t want to go to a gym.

When McDonald took the position “With the gym you pick and choose twelve years ago, the if you want to go only sport offered was You win leagues and have five or three days a basketball. With twelMcDonald bragging rights on campus. week,” ve new additions ransaid. “With intraging from co-ed sand for a semester.

Glen McDonald murals you get a volleyball to Ultimate Director of Intramurals good workout one Frisbee, students are day a week.” having even more fun It isn’t all about staying fit. the physical aspect for students participa“We’re trying to promote health, condi- ting in a sport, said Rita Hayes, Director tioning and competition at the same time,” of Club Sports and Recreational Programs. he said. “You get a chance to get out and do “They can get a unit of credit and the opsomething different. It breaks up the mo- portunity to represent our school nationalnotony. You let loose and take a break from ly,” she added. “It’s about the socialization. the books.”

Most of those people are friends for life.”

Spending the day on the water wakeIntramural and club sports offer stuboarding, in a studio breakdancing or in a dents a chance to get to know new spor-

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

ts and new people. “It breaks them out of their comfort zone and challenges them,” Hayes said.

For students who are shy or hesitant about signing up because they don’t know anyone else, don’t worry about it. Athletes can sign up for intramural sports with a team or as free agents. Individuals are signed up on one list and divided into teams.

Athletes who are more serious about competing definitely have something to look forward to. “The biggest perk is they get to continue to play in a competitive manner,” McDonald said. “You win leagues and have bragging rights on campus for a semester. They get their t-shirts and wear them around. They let everyone know they’re champions.”

Whether trying to stay fit, meet new people or earn bragging rights, intramural and club sports offer something for anyone.

10 September 2007

What the Hell is Wrong with Women’s Volleyball?

By Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor

It took four tries for the storied CSULB squad to record their first home win.

Not the start that the #19ranked 49ers anticipated for the 2007 season. Here are the reasons—and how they’ll turn it around.

B

rian Gimmillaro is yelling. He’s been a yeller in each of his 23 seasons as CSULB head women’s volleyball coach, but this year a little… more so.

Home losses to #15 San Diego, #2 Stanford and #8 Washington before defeating Florida State last Saturday. Massive story short—it shouldn’t have taken that long.

Long Beach was—and still is—expecting a championship caliber showing this season, and began the year with a front-heavy schedule against three Top 25 squads. One loss would have been acceptable. Two, tolerable. Losses to all three? (See picture to the right) The 49ers’ slow start can be attributed to many factors—some of which will be easily solved with good-old-fashioned practice, while others may plague this team and their lofty goals. You can point to any one of a half-dozen reasons, but one that nobody in the Pyramid will deny is the team’s…

Reliance on Alexis Crimes She is—as the Union Sports Page has been known to refer to CSULB’s elite—a

[Sports]

boss. Think “Soprano.” That said, her team often goes into a tailspin when A.C. sits for extended periods. After all, nearly every play is designed to get her the ball.

The 6’3” outside hitter is by far our best offensive weapon, and moonlights as the team’s top defender. Without her, it would be even more obvious that the Beach has a serious…

Lack of Blockers Alexis does her fair share of thwarting opponents’ shots, and Naomi Washington is another stellar blocker.

After that, our biggest players are mostly finesse hitters rather than defenders.

With no presence to challenge the net, opponents are free to send the ball wherever they want—often to gaping holes in the D. Brian Gimmillaro writes caption for us; thanks Coach!

The situation is not helped The 49ers are sometimes forced to simwith Defensive Specialist Talaya Whitfield ply lob the ball to the other side just to on the bench in a full-length knee brace. keep it alive. Our hitters are studs—end of Our back defenders are left scrambling out story—but need to be hit in stride to be efof position to chase balls for digs. As we set fective. Vargas is far and away our best setup to attack, players are now out of position, ter, and needs to direct the offense on every highlighting our… possession.

That doesn’t always happen—and it throws everything out of whack.

Disorganization

A

round this time last year, I wrote a Normally, the plan is to get the ball in story in the Union wondering if opthe hands of setter Nicole Vargas, who finds posing teams had figured out how open hitters to fire lasers the net.

But Sept 4 & 10 Longover Beach Union to stop Alexis Crimes—who had a less-thanthe plan needs to be improvised often, with shining attack percentage. Later, a friend players still rushing back to their spots.

.G<T±JPO±TJPM±$<IO<NT * sex y lingerie

Photo by Russell Conroy

told me she spotted Alexis reading the page in class before her rampage. I’m not saying I awaked the giant, but the story came out on a Monday, and in two games that week, Alexis doubled her stats.

By Friday, her numbers were off the charts, and my story was still out. She went on to earn Big West Player of the Year.

So if I have to look like an idiot for this team to find its groove, so be it. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Questions? Comments?

Let us know what you think at www.lbunion.com Also, check out the Union SportsNight podcast for more!

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

7

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9

Dave Matthews Band Hollywood Bowl Hollywood

$45-65

Doors at 7pm Monday, October 1st

100 sheets • 200 pages 9¾ x 7½ in/24.7 x 19.0 cm college ruled

If you like smoking pot and watching sixteen musicians onstage, all playing at the same time, then this will definitely be the show for you. And if you like doing those things at the Hollywood Bowl, then it seems like the deal’s been sealed, doesn’t it? Just steer clear of their tour bus, lest DMB dump their poop on ye.

Union Consumer & Office Products Long Beach, CA 90815 Made in ‘Nam www.lbunion.com © 2007 Union Music Page

T Metric The Glass House Pomona

$12

Doors at 7pm Tuesday, October 2nd

Broken Social Scene alumnus Emily Haines will be playing the Glass House in support of her band’s newest record Grow up and Blow Away. Sure, the Glass House is in one of the shittiest areas in Southern California, but it’s small and it’s cheap. If you can’t handle Pomona, they’re playing the Henry Fonda in LA on the 5th.

here seems to be a lot of confusion and hearsay about what is music, art and entertainment. If you are one of the many who have been swept up in this whirlwind of debate, fear no more! I have compiled a list of what good music should and should not do. “But James,” you may say in a comically hysterical voice to a piece of newsprint, “You can’t just whip up a set of rules that a vehicle of human expression must follow!” To that I say, “Of course I can. I got here first.” With no further ado or interruptions, I present to you, “the Rules of Rock.”

...

5. If you are a band of a political nature, you must create a philosophy beyond the phrase, “Fuck you police/ whitey/dad.” Even people with yachts have more to be angry about than that.

6. Sad girl with an acoustic guitar is not a legitimate

18. Metal does not need fifty sub-genres if every single one is just about fucking dragons and fighting women.

19. Claiming to know what is and isn’t punk is not very punk.

20. How good your band is, is inversely proportional to how many times you mention your own name in a song.

21. Calling a woman a “ho” or a “bitch” is not a cultural thing. It is an asshole thing.

there still wouldn’t be a good reason to have one more than half a minute long.

8. “Everything but country and rap” is only an

24. No one is as interested in your guitar solo as you are.

-One or more of your band members has met their maker/too much bad heroin/shotgun

10

16. “Experimenting with music” should not mean that

23. In a world where drum solos could cure cancer,

have met at least two of the following conditions:

Bands playing include: Bloc Party, Justice, Moving Units, Raveonettes, Autolux, The Aliens, Busy P, Sebastian, Kavinsky, and Perry Farrell’s Satellite Party. A festival with this many bands, for only 35 bucks? You’ve got to be kidding. This one’s a no-brainer, people.

time machine and leave the rest of us alone. There have been entire decades since the 1960s ended and some of them had some pretty okay music.

how you play, it is a sign that you’re taking a serious misstep.

10. You may only release a greatest hit album if you

Doors at 12pm Saturday, October 6th

15. If you are really into the 1960s all that much, build a

7. If people talk more about how you dress than

is officially over. Note: it is officially over.

Downtown Los Angeles

meaningful or nostalgic. It’s creepy.

22. Math ≠ Rock.

9. When Nirvana is officially considered classic rock, it

$35

14. Grown men singing about high school is not deep,

genre.

acceptable answer from the following three segments of society: the mentally infirm, time travelers from a future where the world has become engulfed in a generations long country/rap war, or Hitler Youth.

LA Weekly Detour Festival

to be understood or to be meaningful, you’re doing something wrong.

17. The Grateful Dead still suck.

sucked in the first place.

Gruff Rhys is the lead singer of Welsh rockers the Super Furry Animals (tee-hee!), and his catchy acoustic pop will definitely keep your toes a-tappin’. If you’re not familiar, go pick up his album Candylion. Not only is that a rad title, but it’ll almost definitely make you want to go see his show.

13. If your audience has to be high for your music

2. There is no greater band than Led Zeppelin. Exception:

4. You may not go solo if the band you were in beforehand

Doors at 8pm Wednesday, October 3rd

Furthermore, don’t confuse irony for talent.

care if you can play a piano and sing at the same time, knock that shit off.

be invariably described as “post-good.”

Rec Center Studios Los Angeles

12. Having talent is better than just being clever.

1. Eye liner is for women, royalty and Bowie. I don’t

3. If your band is described as post-anything, it can also

$14

that last one. Just to be on the safe side: everyone, stop playing reggae.

you’re going to get rid of “melody” or “rhythm.” Music has been around for several dozens of years now and if something new is going to be found within it, it isn’t going to be found by a guy curb stomping a distortion pedal and adding random bleeps and bloops. If you must “experiment,” call it what it is: “jacking off.”

every other band.

Gruff Rhys

UN10N W3KLY

-You have been around longer than ten years -You have more than five albums -One of your band members has converted to a new religion -You don’t suck With that said, you may have ONE and only ONE greatest hits album.

11. Dear Whitey, stop playing reggae. No wait. Scratch

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

25. If you are in an indie band for ten years it isn’t

because you have integrity. It is far more likely it’s because no one outside of your pirate radio’s tower range wants to hear you.

26. Unless Jesus picks up a guitar and joins your band,

you aren’t the savior of anything. Not that music needed a savior in the first place.

27. For every rule in music, there is somebody that can break it and get away with it. Unfortunately, many think that this person is them.

28. There is an objective and definitive way in which music should be written and listened to. Above all things, music is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Now that it is clear how to make and enjoy music, get out there and use the all the time you’ve got left on this spinning blue orb! That fun isn’t going to have itself.

You want more music?

I mean, there were 28 rules here. But if you do, check out more music content online at www.lbunion.com

10 September 2007

Hint: It’s Pronounced Tah-Lib Kwah-Lee Tegan and Sara The Con Vapor

4.6

Tegan and Sara Quin are Canadian lesbian twin sisters.

That’s a lot of things to be. Incidentally, they are also singer-songwriters. Not too many years ago, they put out their breakout album (their third release), So Jealous. A record that I found to be delightful in its catchy simplicity, So Jealous showcased two young woman that could write enjoyable, effortless, hook-laden indie pop songs about love. They’ve just released their fourth record, The Con, which is an album full of…hook-laden indie pop songs about love.

The album opens with “I Was Married,” a brief but pretty song with several layers of keyboards and guitars expertly arranged by Sara Quin. This eventually leads into “Relief Next to Me,” an urgent, pulsing song that, along with the title track, is easily one of the strongest on the album. But where these songs shine, most of the others fall short, coming across as frustratingly simple pop songs based around three or four bouncy power chords. Even though the sisters Quin can’t seem to break out of their power-chord shell (despite the fact that it worked so well on their last outing), producer Christopher Walla enriches the album with beautiful production.

The problem with The Con, however, is that Tegan and Sara refuse to mature in their songwriting. The sisters have written several songs about being in love, but we’ve already heard these songs on So Jealous. Can these girls write about anything else? Not only do they seem unable to write about anything other than lover’s lament, but the writing has a tendency—like the music—to be as juvenile as its subject matter.

On The Con, Tegan and Sara are often overshadowed by arrangements bolder than they’re used to and Chris Walla’s fantastic production.

-By Sean Boulger

Animal Collective Strawberry Jam Domino

9.5

“Now I think it’s alright to feel inhuman,” sings Animal Collective lead man Avey Tare in “For Reverend Green,” on Strawberry Jam, the band’s latest full-length. He affirms his conjecture in the song’s next line: “Now I think that’s alright…yeah.” Upon first listen to Strawberry Jam, one might take these lines as a sort of mission statement, a justification of the Brooklyn band’s latest artistic trajectory. The strummed acoustic guitars and primal chants that defined previous albums have nearly vanished. The arrangements on Feels were far from ordinary, but still featured organic instruments; you could still picture a typical band recreating the songs on stage. Strawberry Jam, by comparison, sounds completely inhuman, a new direction that isn’t surprising for a band as sonically restless as Animal Collective.

For Animal Collective, even the minutest details of everyday life Polyvinyl Records are fitting material for epic compositions, evidence of the glory and mystery that makes life on earth so much fun. A quick exchange with an acquaintance, warm cereal, cooking broccoli, the family dog, children camping: these and images like them are sung with the conviction that the secret of life lies within them all. The band rejects any distinction between the realistic and the fantastic, insisting that both have a prominent place in our perception of the world.

The music on Jam picks up this very thread, creating backdrops energetic and triumphant enough to support the album’s vibrant themes.

The decision to focus on electronics and samples for the brunt of the album’s nine tracks seems necessary to the band’s synthesis of fantasy and reality. At other times, seemingly random sounds bubble just beneath a song’s surface, like fragments of the subconscious fighting to remain hidden. But most important here is the sheer joy contained in every track present. The album’s centerpiece, “Fireworks,” is the most obvious example of this: popping percussion chugs along excitedly under exuberant wails, careening piano, and exploding cymbals.

These songs shimmer and shine, almost all appropriate for fist-pumps and toe-taps, for yelling along and for dancing. And really, what could be more human?

-By Drew Evans

Talib Kweli Eardrum Blacksmith

7.7

Do you remember the first time you heard Talib Kweli? If you can answer that question—and by now you should be able to—your ears have at least once been blessed with the flow of one of hip-hop’s most complete MCs. Thoughtful, intelligent, funny, soulful, and masterfully skilled, Kweli has spent nearly a decade cementing his reputation, and adds to an already impressive catalog with Eardrum.

Give a stern listen to “More or Less,” in which we’re treated to vintage Kweli as he breaks down the things that society does and does not need. Immediately skip over to “Listen,” which follows the mold of Kweli classics “Get By” and “I Try” as an up-tempo anthem filled with empowering and inspiring lyrics.

“Hostile Gospel” showcases the man at his wittiest and most thoughtful, but “Eat to Live” brings us the album’s first failure by being exactly what every MC with a brain dreads—corny. Guest-appearances from Jean Grae (“Say Something”), Kanye West (“In the Mood”) and even KRS-One (“The Perfect Beat”) should be shoo-ins for classics, but are average at best.

The album does, however, have its drawbacks: First, some of the mixtapes contained songs much better than those on Eardrum, and should have been included (“Over the Counter” and “Funny Money,” for starters).

Second, Kweli seems to have gotten so comfortable with the mixtape scene that he treats his latest major release like one, picking beats that don’t fit his style, shouting out his name to begin and end songs, and generally hosting a production of friends rather than shining in his own spotlight. But I do remember the first time I heard Talib Kweli, and if you do too, then this album was created with you in mind.

-By Ryan ZumMallen

Daily Specials

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

JOIN US FOR NFL and NCAA Football ACTION! Bloody Marys & Irish Coffee

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 10 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

11

Reel News The Brave One

Yuma Guns Down Competition Review of 3:10 to Yuma

By Philip Vargas

T

he west is back as 3:10 to Yuma blows into town this weekend. A remake of the original, 3:10 follows the story of a badass outlaw as he’s escorted to a train bound for Yuma State Prison. Sit back and enjoy as the hot lead flies.

The opening of the movie ropes you in and the end leaves you with a taste of satisfaction on your visual palate. The sad thing is that somewhere between the two points of the cinematic journey, something essential is lost. The saving grace of these seemingly empty segments are the performances given by Russell Crowe as the bloodthirsty outlaw, Ben Wade and Christian Bale as down-on-his-luck rancher, Dan Evans.

Russell Crowe brings the character of Ben Wade to life, right down to his rotten core. At first glance, Crowe looks like he could be the hero of this little western but after watching five minutes you know that looks can be deceiving. The pretty boy outlaw is a charismatic desperado that you can’t help but love as he’s stabbing someone to death with a fork or tossing them off a cliff. With his silver tongue and greased lightning hands, no one has ever made being bad look so good.

Bale’s performance is, as usual, nothing short of amazing. Every role this man takes, he becomes. In 3:10 to Yuma he does his thing, as he becomes the retired onelegged soldier trying to keep his family and his farm together. He treats this charac-

ter as he should, with subtlety. Evans isn’t the kind of man that jumps in and volunteers to escort the dangerous gunman on his way to jail for mere glory; he does so because he has to. He starts out as the quiet guy who stands in the shadows unnoticed but in the end he becomes the kind of man he wants his children to look up to, a man who does the right thing when it needs to be done. His place isn’t to fight for money or for fame, but merely to do what is right in the face unfathomable odds.

The way these two play off of each other on screen is something to admire. Throughout the film each man gives a bit of himself to the other, bringing out the best in each other without really trying. All is revealed in the last few minutes of the movie as the two of them, representing all that is right and wrong with the world, face off against those who deal in lead.

When most people think of a western they immediately imagine two deathdealing gunslingers reaching for the iron

R Warner Bros. Pictures The Brave One is the heartwarming story of a woman and a man that are ambushed in a park, gang-beaten and left for dead, and the vigilante rampage that follows afterwards. It seems to be the usual proto-fascist vigilante fare, with the exception that the lead isn’t some mustachioed college professor pushed too far, but rather Jodie Foster.

To be fair, she delivers on a fairly consistent basis and those muggers aren’t going to kill themselves in the dome.

Mr. Woodcock PG-13 New Line Cinema

Photo Courtesy of Lions Gate Films

strapped to their legs ready to deal out some bullets. This isn’t all that makes up a western, this is only a small part of the epic opera that unfolds in the Old West.

It’s for this reason that most people who see 3:10 to Yuma will feel as though they didn’t get what they paid for, especially after experiencing an ending that will have most people thinking, “Why the fuck did that just happen?” Deal with it, cause a good western shouldn’t leave you with a happy cookie cutter ending where the good guys win and the bad guys lose; life isn’t that simple. There is loss and there is sacrifice in the process of any journey.

That is life, that is a western, that is 3:10 to Yuma.

This is apparently some sort of comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as the title gym teacher (who is some kind of a prick), Susan Sarandon (as the cougar who loves him), and the guy that drank cum in American Pie (as the jerk that wants to break them up). Oh, and it has cock in the title. Keep an eye on this one during awards season.

The Hunting Party R The Weinstein Co.

Richard Gere and Terrence Howard (who is also in The Brave One) play a team of war correspondents trying to score an interview with a known war criminal.

Intentional/unintentional Iraq War parallels ensue. The director of the film described it as a funny movie about a serious subject. If there is anyone that can act as though he’s not being funny, it’s Gere. Take what you want from that statement.

Science Rocket Explodes Mid-Flight

A Donkumentary About Gamers

The new film Rocket Science from writer/ director Jeffery Blitz is a lot like that one time you were walking through a park you had never seen before, but it felt so terribly familiar, you thought you had been there that one time you were walking through a park you had never seen before, but it felt so terribly familiar you thought you had been there. It’s also a lot like reading that last sentence, which is to say it evokes that sense of “haven’t I seen this before?” And of course, yes, you have. At least, I have.

I don’t know what activities you partake in during your spare time, but if you have seen the following list of films, you would understand: Tadpole, Igby Goes Down, The Chumscrubber, Garden State, Rushmore, Nói albínói, The Squid and the Whale.

And it bears a ridiculous, if not plagiarized resemblance to last year’s Thumbsucker. Although, curiously, there is no connection to the Tony Scott vehicle Déjà Vu, which would be a more aptly suited title for the film here in question.

I’m sure the filmmakers attempted to use that title only to be bullied off by Scott and his ever-present team of Chupacabra lawyers.

Even so, all of this purloined material business would not, in and of itself, disqualify Rocket Science from being a good film, yet, on top of seemingly existing solely from borrowed influences, it is kind of just a stupid movie.

Rocket Science relies so heavily on caricatures as characters and a vapid sense of zaniness as its vernacular, that even particularly “zany” moments that might otherwise provide the film

Mockumentaries, specifically the ones helmed by Christopher Guest and company, are famous for showcasing human beings that are complete caricatures. Whether it’s Nigel Tuffnel in This is Spinal Tap, or the guy who incessantly recites the names of different kinds of nuts in Best in Show, when you watch these films you know that there’s absolutely no way in hell someone so ridiculous that could manage to take themselves quite so seriously could ever exist. In The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, director Seth Gordon gives us a world inhabited, it seems, exclusively by this kind of person: ridiculous, sometimes sad individuals whose only redeeming quality is the fact that the delusion with which they regard themselves offers endless entertainment to anybody bothering to pay attention.

The only thing is, in King of Kong, all these people are real.

Gordon’s documentary takes us deep into the realm of competitive video gaming, an empire that was first stumbled upon in the 1980s, the so-called “Golden Age” of video games. A place that consisted of gamers of the utmost discipline, and one reigned over by the great Billy Mitchell, who set the world record for Donkey Kong in 1982. And so, we are introduced to the first of the film’s many examples of living, breathing caricatures. Billy Mitchell is a man who now, at age 42, owns a hot sauce-andchicken restaurant chain and still cherishes his Donkey Kong title more than he would a living, breathing human baby.

Enter Steve Weibe. A kind-hearted, quiet

Review of Rocket Science

12

with a much needed levity become lost in the monotony of all these kooky folks doing kooky things. Even as annoying as the lack of actual characterization, was the curb-side philosophy force-fed into the dialogue like corn mash into a goose about to become foie gras, which left me looking around in the theater so see if anyone was swallowing this shit—the film, not the foie gras. Foie gras is delicious. Rocket Science feels as if it were written in order to have a really great trailer and then, as an afterthought, attempted to conjure up some sort of movie to huddle around those trailer-worthy moments. Kid throwing cello through window? Check.

Everyone’s favorite Violent Femmes song? Of course.

Overhead shot of kid on bicycle that doesn’t work at all in the actual movie?

Now we’re talking. And don’t forget all those film festival olive branches.

Olive branches notwithstanding, by far the most infuriating part of Thumbsucker 2: The Rise of Lou Pucci’s Doppelganger, is its brilliant opening sequence. Wonderfully crafted poetic narration kick-starts the film and sets its tone, a tone it then chooses to completely ignore.

Instead it settles for second-rate quirky/indie characters devoid of relatability and truth. It then sits back, content to let those characters thrash about in the aimless self-indulgence of their world. There’s also a lot of a stuttering kid attempting to debate. It’s so quirky!

So fun! Skip it. Watch the trailer instead, it’s much better.

-By Jason Oppliger

Review of The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

man from Florida, Weibe got laid off, at which point he discovered his affinity for Donkey Kong. That, coupled with what might be (according to his wife) a mild case of OCD, led him to become somewhat of a genius at the game. A man with a great degree of musical talent and a loving family, Weibe is cast as the perfect antithesis of Billy Mitchell, a relic of the late ‘80s, concerned solely with the recognition (however limited it may be) associated with holding the world record for Donkey Kong, and whose wife seems just to have really big tits.

Weibe embarks on a quest, determined to accomplish something meaningful. He decides that he wants to hold the world record for the highest score in Donkey Kong. Though the subject matter is trivial and the film is populated with people laughably removed from what most may consider normal society, the rivalry presented is true and engaging. Weibe is the perfect loveable everyman, and you root for him from the moment you’re introduced. Mitchell settles into place as the quintessential villain: the douchebag record-holder that only gives a shit about a glory that exists in his mind, and combs his mullet in front of the mirror (seriously). At its core, The King of Kong is a story about one man’s need to prove something to himself. The drama unfolds like a scripted film, and the narrative is surprisingly touching. Filled with laugh-out-loud moments and a heartwarming journey, The King of Kong is sure to delight Jedis and laypersons alike.

-By Sean Boulger

10 September 2007

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

Little and Large

By Maurice Sendak

By Tony Millionaire Dark Horse 40 Pages $7.95

Harper Collins 48 Pages

Reviewed by Erin Hickey

$16.95 Reviewed by Ryan Kobane One of my favorite things to do as a child was to build forts. Inside my fort anything was possible. I could be an Indian, a cowboy, a sailor…(wow, now that I think about it, maybe that wasn’t okay), but anyways, imagination was key. And a major part of my formative years of creativity came because of one book, and one child.

Max was sent to his room with no dinner because he told his mother he would eat her up; I must say the kid had balls, and most certainly caused me to talk back to the parental units on more than one occasion. But Max’s journey to a land far far away in Where The Wild Things Are, is equally as epic as the Iliad or Peter Pan’s

travels to Never Neverland.

Where The Wild Things Are is one of those truly rare books that after forty-five-years can still be found on the best sellers list for children’s literature, and there’s good reason for it. When children read this book; they see their own budding angst in everything Max does. Most children between the ages of 3-6 are beginning to understand the boundaries the world has set for them, and thus begin to push those boundaries and limitations. As for adults (and I consider myself an adult), Max reminds us of a time when imagination was pretty much the only way to entertain ourselves. Max continues to remind me that if I really wanted, I could have a wild rumpus with terrible monsters if I really wanted to; all I have to do is close my eyes.

So with superb illustrations, perfectly childish prose, and a message that anyone can understand, Where The Wild Things Are will forever be one of America’s favorite books, deservingly so I think.

Tony Millionaire’s Little and Large is one of those rare children’s books that adults can enjoy as well. Well, technically, it’s an adults’ book written like a children’s book, but kids’ are generally pretty dumb, so chances are your little sibling/cousin/offspring won’t know the difference. Heck, they’ll probably just be grateful to have their cool older sibling/cousin/parent hanging around long enough for a bedtime story.

Written and illustrated by Tony Millionaire (of Maakies and The Drinky Crow Show fame), Little and Large follows sock monkey, Uncle Gabby, on his quest to find a new home for his friend, Daddy Longlegs. After many failed attempts at residences (atop a weathervane and inside the wheel of a duck cart, to name two), there is, as with all children’s books, a happy ending. Though appropriate for children, this book certainly won’t leave adults yawning with boredom. In fact, being the selfish curmudgeon that I am, I bought this book for my own reading enjoyment, not for some silly little kid to smear peanut butter on.

Though it may jeopardize my hardearned curmudgeon reputation to admit this, Little and Large brought several glorious minutes of laughter and joy into my

life. In fact, I’d say the only downside is that the book goes by so quickly that I couldn’t even complain about taking time out of my day to read it. Millionaire’s illustrations, though simple, are skilled and the dialogue is just cheesy enough to escape cheesiness (I promise that’ll make sense if you think about it for a couple seconds).

I honestly wish some aunt or uncle had given this book to me as a child, rather than A Child’s Garden of Verses.

Everything about it, from the pastel color scheme to the author bio on the back, which cites Millionaire’s place of residence as, “Pasadena, California in a house full of kids,” is so wonderfully simple and innocent that you’d have to be a truly horrid human being not to giggle with joy at least once. Why shovel mindless dribble into the brains of the kids you love, when you can shovel lovely and entertaining literary magic into those very same minds? Now go buy Little and Large!

Want to write for Lit? Philip Vargas can be reached at: philip@ lbunion.com Or read literature page online at www.lbunion.com

Don’t Forget! the final day to exchange or return Textbooks bought for fall 2007 is

September 15th, 2007 (only textbooks purchased from July 30 through September 12, 2007 are eligible)

also remember that: • All returns must be accompanied with a receipt • Books must be in their original condition/packaging and free of highlighting and markings • Full refund guidelines are available at www.shopthebeach.com

10 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

13

A Moth and A Freak Show

By Katie Reinman

T

his Thursday I made my way to the University Art Museum for the new show opening. While walking in, I was directed toward a room covered by black curtains. Stumbling through the dark, I found myself facing a snow-white moth glowing on a sheer white sheet. As I continued, I was exposed to three other views of the same moth. Placed in the center however, was an actual lunar moth raised a few feet in the air and four magnifying lenses square around it. The contraption creating the image was a replica of an ancient projector used to enlarge images on a wall so that the artist could then paint an image accurately. Steven Burkman took this simple tool and created an atmosphere around it. The lunar moth glows so brightly on the fabric, and is the only light visible in the room. It is the light reflecting off the moth, and then the reflected light is magnified through the lens.

Walking out of the dark room left me in a dream like state. I was then confronted by the introduction to Thomas Woodruff ’s Freak Parade. The Freak Parade is a compilation of outrageous yet humorous creatures. The show was created to be made into a book so one must view the paintings in a page to page manner. Woodruff uses a combination of black linen, acrylic and rhinestones to create a dark and glowing theme through the paintings. The first character is “Anatomy Boy” who is a normal boy

Photograph Provided By UAM-CSULB

Photograph Provided By UAM-CSULB

14

except for his lack of skin to cover his muscles. The boy is walking his pet as well, which is none other than a two headed wolf wearing a lamb skin. All of the images Woodruff creates are bizarre but well thought through. He said that he can spend up to months just coming up with one image. Every detail has a purpose, and he works hard to find the one that will convey his message best.

Woodruff is also something of a poet as well. On every painting there is decorative text that flows around the images and adds to the scene that is trying to be created. One of my favorite pieces was the final piece. “The Grim Reaper Sweeper”. I enjoyed the comical aspect of the grim reaper being the one who cleans up at the end of the parade. Overall the show was quite enjoyable and I would encourage everyone on campus to go see it. There is amazing art on this campus, so make the minute effort to find it; you’ll enjoy what you see.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

10 September 2007

You’re STUCK Here By Victor! Perfecto

Koo-Koo and Luke By Jesse Blake

Crayon Box by David Faulk

victor@lbunion.com

[Comics] Sad Truth Comic By Ti Heehi

blake@funatronics.com Ask Father Holey

pabalohov@gmail.com

thefaulkfather@msn.com

Questions? Comments?

Victor Camba can be reached at: victor@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

10 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

15

VOLUME 61

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Dog-Rabies Eliminated, News Spreads to South 10 Seconds Too Late

Headlines

Eddie Murphy to Remake Jerry Lewis’ “Fag” Comment in Fat Suit

Notorious B.I.G.otry: Spike Lee attached to direct extremely brief biopic.

Real Life Mutant Turtle Not as Fun, Cute as Cartoon Turtles

Gifted youngster masturbates with shampoo

9/11: NO LONGER A LAUGHING MATTER

See OLD YELLER page 11

ISSUE 2

See FORE-AND-AFTERSKIN page 7

Poor Aim, Apples Blamed for Good Portion of Murders in Mexico

By Willie Burroughs GRUNION Apparition

T

gregor said through a translator late Thursday afternoon while enjoying the entertainment of a cockfight and bullfight at the same time. “Freedom isn’t free” he added, “and if our policy results in a few heads splattered

he Suprema Corte de Justicia de la Nacion de Mexico, which is similar to the Supreme Court of the United States, only more mustachioed and sombrerified, announced recently that over half of all murder cases tried in the past year involved a not guilty by reason of the “William Tell” defense.

Mexico has long been known to encourage its citizens to practice shooting apples off each other’s heads as both a means to explore man’s natural curiosity of marksmanship and act as a viable form of population control.

However, these newly The Core Debate: Death by Granny Smith or Red Delicious? reported highs have many concerned. As would be expected, those across the ground like a microwaved cantawho supported the cause were quick to do loupe dropped from a high rise apartment so. balcony, well then that’s a sacrifice we as “We believe that all people, by which I citizens have to be willing to make.” mean only men, should be allowed to shoot Freedom may in fact not be free, but apples off a head,” Justice Jorge Carpizo Mc- neither are the lengthy trails Mexico’s

courts are enduring as defense lawyers attempt to prove that forty-seven firearm related deaths were merely the result of very poor aim. Trial lawyers are scarce as it is and the endless flow of untaxed money coming from the United States can barely keep up with the demand.

Under Mexican law, which under Mexican law cannot be written down, only passed verbatim from generation to generation, it is legal for a male citizen to shoot an apple off another person’s head only once in his life. More than once and it becomes illegal, but just as entertaining.

When asked to comment on his country’s William Tell issues, President Fox said, “The problem is that while some of those pleading not guilty by reason of William Tell actually did kill in a perfectly legal Mexican fashion, I am beginning to believe that many citizens are taking advantage of our progressive ways.”

But just as Justice Jorge Carpizo added, “This is Mexico. It’s not like any of this matters.”

Ancient Remains, Slot Machine Found During Puvungna Excavation

By Sarcastic Fridgehead GRUNION Babyface

Shreddered Lettuce: Real life mutant turtle food not as tasty, imaginative as cartoon turtle food.

Area Man Just Really Likes That One Song

Seeing Red: Because Luftballons are hard to come by.

After many years of legal battles and protest from the indigenous people of the Gabrielino tribe, CSULB finally broke ground on the “sacred” lands of Puvungna on Saturday, only to be brought to a screeching halt hours later when the remains of a wooden Indian slot machine were excavated during phase one of a new strip mall project.

Under many layers of leaves and loose gravel, some dirt and clay, Jerrod Pitchman, a digger for Metro Earth Workers, uncovered something that immediately caught his eye.

“I know what dirt feels like, and when my shovel hit it, I knew something was different.

It felt like wood, you know, harder, and much more wood-like than dirt,” said Pitchman.

“Plus it was big and yellow and it had this shit-eating grin engraved on it that made me chuckle, not to mention huge dollar signs in it’s eyes.”

“Fucking thing ate my quarter,” he quickly added.

Puvungna has been the source of much controversy on the CSULB campus since the early ‘70s when the remains of a person, said to have been of the Gabrielino tribe, were dug up and later “ceremoniously” re-buried behind parking lot 20. The sacred land is also believed by some to be the spiritual center from which

Chungichnish, Indian people’s lawgiver and God originated.

“Until today it was all just speculation. I mean, one dead Indian found in Southern California you know, not that out of place. But finally we have proof that (burp, breathy exhale) Indians did indeed reside right here on the land I am standing on with my dirty cowboy boots,” said Chief Henry Adams, the head of Native American Graves Protection and Reparation Act, or NAGPRA. After hearing of the remarkable discovery, Amber Lee Scobir (Senior, Above): Enjoys #2 in lot #20. numerous city and university officials came to pay their respects the impromptu PowWow, such as a few new to the machine by taking lewd pictures with it classes like “Alternative Burial Grounds and feeding it quarters while saying, “Daddy Excavation Methods,” and a class in “Native needs a new windowless power van.” But to American Customs.” their chagrin, the slot machine only spewed Days later, when everyone sobered out shitty turquoise jewelry. up and ran out of quarters, actual human For the next 39 hours, CSULB honored remains were found only feet from the slot the Gabrielino Indians by engaging in many machine. No one really cared though, and Native American customs such as drinking the construction of a Starbucks, a Jamba Juice, and sleeping. Many good ideas came during and another Starbucks commenced.

Disclaimer: The Grunion is now more than 3 decades old, and we have only become more debonair with age. But there is one thing that has not changed in our epic, occasionally violent history: We still are neither ASI nor GOP. The views and opinions explicitly stated or alluded to on this page still do not represent the views and opinions of the CSULB campus, nor do they necessarily adhere to the moral fabric of the writers. We do this to secure the cheap seats in the deeper, more satirical bowels of Hell, and because the elephant in the room is becoming a bit of a sass-mouth. Send your rags to earlgrey@lbunion. com. Spoon me baby.