61.03

[Issue 61.3] “It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.

But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

-- Alan Cohen

W

e’ve joked about the demise of the 49er endlessly in this office, almost tirelessly at times. For the two years I’ve been involved with this paper it’s been close to a reality on a few separate occasions. But this week was different.

Around noon on Friday, I was bombarded with phone calls from former and current Union staffers asking about the status of the Daily 49er. I had no answers because, for some reason, the Union wasn’t informed of a very important hearing concerning the future of this campus’ only daily news source.

During this very brief non-meeting between the 49er’s managing staff and the Dean of the College of Liberal Arts, Gerry Riposa, there were very few words actually exchanged due to Riposa’s lack of preparation, quick exit, and apprehension at the presence of the Press Telegram and Grunion Gazette.

But what was handed out at this meeting came as a shock to everyone in attendance. In no uncertain words, Dean Riposa made it very clear that the CLA has become upset with its involvement with the 49er, and would be doing a feasibility research project to see if having a daily “print” paper on CSULB’s campus is still a necessity.

After hearing this, I immediately called Bradley Zint, editor-in-chief of the 49er, to see if we could sit down and talk about their now-very-uncertain future, to which he reluctantly accepted.

As I walked down to their office I had no idea what I would find. I half expected to see a newsroom full of frantic staffers and Journalism Department bigwigs trying to brainstorm ideas about how they could immediately change the mind of Dean Riposa and save their newspaper. This was not the case.

What I walked into was an eerily silent office, with Brad staring at a computer screen in full suit and tie, and managing editor Lauren Williams busy typing away in a distant corner.

The second I saw Brad’s face I knew things were direr and more immediate than I had expected.

During the next hour, Brad, Lauren, myself, and even William Babcock, the Journalism Department Chair sat down and talked. I saw three people that were truly devastated by the possibility of not having a paper to work on in the very near future.

Mainly the discussion revolved around how it came to this for the 49er. Ideas were exchanged and suggestions were offered up; but honestly, what I heard and saw during that hour made me frustrated.

What many people don’t understand is that while the Union Weekly and the Daily 49er are rivals, for a couple years now the Union’s upper management has offered up numerous suggestions to the 49er

Our Cover in the Making

during in-person meetings and in print, but to no avail. The reasons the CLA is giving the 49er for possibly taking away their funding reads like a checklist of the things we have been writing about for years: mismanagement of funds, lack of necessary growth, and an overall misinterpretation of their audience. I just couldn’t understand why anyone hadn’t been listening.

As I walked out of the Daily 49er’s offices, I finally saw the passion Brad and Lauren have for their paper. It’s just a shame that their future may be decided by bad decisions made well before they were even a part of the 49er. I saw an editor-in-chief pissed that someone else gets to have the final word on whether or not he would ever see his name in print again, and a managing editor exploring every avenue she could to get some sort of grass-roots support for their cause.

When I got home that night and allowed the initial shock of the day’s happenings to wear off, I once again asked myself a question I’d always thought I knew the answer to, “Is this campus better off without the Daily 49er?” And to my own surprise (and probably yours too), I really don’t think it would be. I mean, let’s be honest: I don’t want the responsibility of producing a paper on a daily basis on a campus where news is difficult to produce. I don’t envy what the 49er has to do, and after my hour in their office I have a much better understanding of how difficult their job truly is.

With that said, things need to change at the Daily 49er, and quickly. I don’t have any new solutions to their problems, but even if I did, I doubt they would listen to any suggestions printed here. But after hours of discussion in this office, we firmly agree that it will be a sad day when the campus no longer has a choice of publications to read. The Union just isn’t meant for everyone, and we understand that.

So to everyone down there in the 49er office, if things do indeed go south for you, and you really want to find a way to produce a print version of your paper, find a way to make it happen; the Union is a testament to the unflagging will of students, and it has been for thirty years. And maybe, just maybe, things will change for the better. And if it doesn’t, we’ll know where the real problem was.

–Ryan Kobane Editor-In-Chief

Jimmy Dino of the Week

Ryan Kobane Editor-in-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Michael Pallotta Matt Dupree

Associate Editors Darren Davis Business Manager

ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com darren@lbunion.com

Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Michaël Veremans Opinion Editors Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Earl Grey Grunion Editor

vince@lbunion.com kathy@lbunion.com zummy@lbunion.com victor@lbunion.com reinman@lbunion.com earlgrey@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas Literature Editor & PR Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Erin Hickey Matt Dupree Michael Pallotta Copy Editors Vincent Girimonte Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver

philip@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com steven@lbunion.com science@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Vincent Girimonte Off-Campus Distribution Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Derek Crossley, Drew Evans, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Patricia Alonzo, Tessah Schoenrock, Rachel Rufrano, David Faulk, Danielle Slakoff, Jason C. Bonzon, Paul Hovland, Ynez Tongson, Sergio Ascencio, Brandi Perez, Leslie Stanton, Allen Steiner, Kelsey Ketchum, Kathleen Rodil, Lindsay Louderback, Brad Zint.

Contributors Photographs By Ryan Kobane

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly.

Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

This week was a little strange in that we had an idea of what we wanted on the cover, but really no idea of how to actually achieve it. So after finding out that not one Union staffer owned a poker table, and that Long Beach has absolutely no game room superstores, the nice people at Pool Tables 2-U inc. down in Westminster came to the rescue. Allowing us free range and use of any and all poker supplies they offered in the store, we think we came up with something pretty rad. Oh, and if you need anything, like anything, dealing with game room supplies please give them a call at (714) 379-1850, and please, please, please tell them you came to their store because of the Union.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions? Comments?

1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 256A Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone 562.985.4867 Fax 562.985.5684 E-mail info@lbunion.com Web www.lbunion.com

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17 September 2007

Opinions

Defending the Existence of the Daily Forty-Niner

By Bradley Zint

I

Daily Forty-Niner Editor-in-Chief

t’s one thing to write about the news, to elaborate on the events of the day, week or year, however dramatic, tragic, mundane or exciting they may be. You’re the theoretical impartial observer without a vested interest.

You are an outsider.

It’s another thing to be the news, to be the faces and voices behind the tragedies and excitement, behind the headlines and within the pictures. You’re the focus of the moment. You are the first-draft version of history.

For journalists, rarely are they the latter. But every once in a while, when the tables turn, the journalist news hunters become the journalistically hunted.

Such is the case of the Daily Forty-Niner this week.

We at the Forty-Niner have been forced to write about ourselves though, with what I feel many will consider some bad news.

Today, both the Forty-Niner and the Union Weekly have devoted a portion of their valuable print space to a story about some individuals’ efforts to eliminate that very option for the Forty-Niner. In short, the College of Liberal Arts, which the journalism department falls under, is sponsoring a “feasibility study” to determine

if the Daily Forty-Niner, a four-times-a-week partially student-run newspaper, would be better suited as an online-only product.

That would mean no more Forty-Niner newsstands throughout campus and off campus. That would mean no more picking up a free copy of the paper on your way to class or in between classes. That would mean no more cutting out clips or pictures when you were quoted, had your picture printed or had something of interest to you written about. Needless to say, this is a dramatic change.

It’s a change that, on behalf of the Daily Forty-Niner as its public voice and editor-in-chief, we don’t want to see happen. And in this, I know we’re not alone.

Thank you, Ryan Kobane and the staff of the Union Weekly, for providing us this small space in your publication to help get the word out even though we are “arch-rivals.”

And thank you to the other Long Beach publications and Daily Forty-Niner supporters, who include journalism faculty, for backing up the essential Cal State Long Beach tradition since November of 1949.

The Daily Forty-Niner needs to be printed daily, Monday through Thursday, for the good of everyone. It needs both an online version—which we’re proud to say it has had since 1994—and a print version.

Let me give you some harsh numbers to illustrate our point. The Daily Forty-Niner makes 99.5 percent of its advertising revenue from the printed product. Cut the printed product, and we have virtually lost 99.5 percent of the funding we do get.

My oh my, how money talks.

How does going online-only save a newspaper, which, even with its advertising revenue, still loses money yearly since going “independent” in 2003 and leaves factions of the university to pay the difference, actually save it?

It seems clear that it doesn’t, and that something needs to be done about it.

Someone needs to fund the Daily Forty-Niner for the good of this school, whether it be the journalism department, the College of Liberal Arts, the university as a whole or the students themselves. Those questions and more will be seriously asked in the weeks to come.

What’s clear is the proposed online-only method isn’t the way to do it. And true, while it appears that the future of journalism is going to be less focused on the print and more on the Internet, that future is not now.

Editor’s Note: There was only one change made to Brad’s article: his original claim identifies the Forty-Niner as a “completely student-run newspaper.” It is not, thus the change to “partially” was made.

Seize the Pledge, This Week is Rush Week

By Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Are you making the most of your time here? Sit back for a second and drink that one in. I hope you are. Lots of students aren’t, and never will. I’ve always believed that there is a firm difference between school and college. We’re all going to school, but our experience in college is what will truly set us apart from the rest once we graduate.

I wanted to ensure that I was going to get the most out of college. So I joined a fraternity during my first semester at Cal State Long Beach in 2003.

This week marks the semester’s official Greek rush— once the busiest five days of my semester, every semester for four years. It always reminded me of the reasons that I joined in the first place: professional connections, the chance to take a leadership role on campus and sharing ideas with intelligent people that I truly admired. Probably not the typical reasons that you imagine one joins a social fraternity.

I can’t speak for the reasons that others decide to pledge, but those were mine. And I can’t tell you what all fraternities are like, only the one that I devoted myself to (I won’t name it here because there’s no reason to, but I never hide it and it’s not hard to figure out). Regardless, I found exactly what I was looking for when I pledged: motivated, accomplished individuals who knew where they were going and had a good time doing it, a group of close friends that happened to be in a fraternity—not the other way around. This is the environment I walked into as a freshman, and I flourished in it.

I’m sure that the first thing you think about when it comes to fraternities has more to do with Belushi than social and political awareness, but in my experience, the latter greatly outweighed the former. The thing about being a fraternity

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

skills, the opportunity is there. Seize it. If you want to put the human body’s tolerance for alcohol to the test, well that is certainly an option. It just damn sure better not be what makes or breaks your decision though, because—in my fraternity, at least—you won’t last long.

The point is, you determine how your time is spent.

There is plenty of consistent good being done by fraternities and sororities that go unrecognized or overshadowed by the immature actions of few. If you don’t like what’s going on, feel free to step up and enact change. As a sophomore I complained to an older member about the way our organization was headed. “Well,” he said, “What’re you going to do to fix it?”

One month later I ran for and was elected Vice President.

I’m kind of an anomaly. You see, I’m probably—to the best of anyone’s knowledge—the only Union staffer to also belong to a fraternity or sorority on campus. I’m most definitely the only Union editor to ever wear Greek letters.

I’ve caught a lot of shit for it, but by now I’ve learned to laugh it off. I’m no longer as active as I was, but I’ve gained immeasurable wisdom, confidence and leadership from my time and that I can never repay. I’d like to think that I’ve given as much as I’ve taken. I hope so.

It’s not for everyone, and that’s ok. I never thought it would be for me until I actually took the plunge. If you’re thinking about rushing a fraternity and haven’t made up your mind, just give it a shot. There are several to choose from, and it’s up to you which one best suits you. You might find exactly what you’re looking for—I know I did.

Questions? Comments?

man—or sorority woman, I’m sure—is that you can make your experience whatever you’d like it to be. If you want to be more involved on campus and gain invaluable leadership

Ryan ZumMallen can be reached at: zummy@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Believe Me, The Odds Aren’t That Great

By Dylan Little Union Staffer Gambling is a retarded hobby. I can’t fathom why some people need to bet on guessing what random outcome will come out of the many complex gambling methods out there.

But I do know that they are probably insecure and unable to succeed at anything in life.

Don’t let the Vegas mobster movies and Native American casinos fool you, gambling is the lamest of the vices. While other vices, such as drug abuse, sex and alcoholism, entertain solely through their own evil addictive properties, gambling requires an unhealthy amount of booze and cigarettes to be the least bit entertaining. Gamblers can’t even get off on the supposed joy of gambling.

17 September 2007

Of course, any gambling aficionado will bring up the pro athletes of the gambling world, professional poker players.

Whether they play Texas-hold ‘em or five card stud, one thing binds all these professional poker players together, they all look and act like massive douches. I mean, wow, you can win a game that is all luck, let’s give you a Nobel prize.

Being forced to hear my friends describe their “strategy” in Texas Hold ‘em, I’ve figured out how to win: bet lots of money, look smug, get lucky and repeat. What a deeply strategic game! Makes chess look like Candyland, doesn’t it? And yes, each of these friends imparts this strategy like they’ve spent years in some laboratory figuring out each of the permutations of hands possible. Anyone who aspires to be one of these self-righteous jerk-offs would be better off sterilizing themselves.

In addition, gambling is mind numbingly boring.

Seriously, slots are about as fun as putting quarters in a parking meter (and at least you know you’re getting something at a parking meter.) Betting on races is like NASCAR, only with more rednecks and no crashes, how fun! And poker is full of snobs that think they are God’s gift to humanity because the stars align and give them some arbitrary winning combination. It can’t be that hard to think of a way to take my hard earned cash in a manner that feels more like a pleasant night out than prison rape at shiv point.

In short, take up a real hobby. Don’t be an idiotic faux high-roller. If you do, you are probably doomed to a life of failure and crying while you masturbate. And that’s something you can bet on!

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

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[Opinions] Point(counter)Point Boozing Whilst Losing?

By Vince Girimonte

By Darren Davis

Farrah Hair Extraordinaire Wins: 2

Dinosaur Connoisseur Wins: 1

It’s not often I feel like James Bond. Just the other day, I was There are two things a man must be wary of in any situation where riding my bike at some pace when an errant bus decided my time money is involved: women and booze. had come. My breaks being in a terrible state, I sped up and averted As far as poker night is concerned, the former is easy to expel. the oncoming behemoth to the sound of a loud, thundering horn.

Girls ruin poker, always, unless they can contend and are willing to I stopped on the curb, looking back at what could have been a lose actual money, or things of actual monetary value, like those purty Soviet truck carrying nukes to Moscow, and then down at my lil’ earrings. But in an environment that is basically a giant pissing Schwinn, which was definitely a piece of shit. Disaster narrowly contest, it is much more difficult to lay off the sauce. avoided, I thought. I was 007, however briefly, and it was grand.

Sure, a stiff drink and something to smoke are staples at your Drinking while playing poker is very Bond. For that reason typical card game, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am not alone, it’s one of the better things you can do for yourself. arguing to banish drinking from the table. On the contrary, many Not drinking while playing cards is a very bad idea for a few mornings I have woken up in my apartment after a late night of reasons, one being you look less like Bond, the other being you’re cards and the rank stench of cigarettes, whiskey, and bad cigars only confronted with the fact that you know nothing about poker. remind me that money was had. But there is still something to Another bad idea? Bringing Darren Davis to be said about being the guy at the table without a your adolescent sister’s birthday party. drink in front of him.

While your opponent across the Why do you think casinos offer table sweats out his hand, mulling complimentary drinks for gamblers? over a pair of fives, you drink Is it because it heightens their a cold gin and struggle much understanding of the game and less with a pair of twos. the actual value of the money Whether or not you’re they are forking out, making any good,—which you’re a more compelling game? probably not—at least Or is it because a buzz you think you are. So makes you think you’re a yes, call big pot’s bluff high roller? all fucking night. There Place your bets. is just no way that threeBeing a below-average seven off suit is NOT poker player, I must look going to materialize, not for whatever edge I can tonight anyway. You’re muster over my friends who one hell of a player. take poker, and anything else Win, lose, or destroy that involves a score (including friendships, everything can this column), very seriously. I bank be laughed off with another on that buzz to lead to a mistake, and drink. It’s not uncommon for I bank on that mistake to take the pile. poker games to have several distinctly Friends also become easier to read when different moods, depending on the amount they have been drinking and you are stone sober.

Illustration By Victor!Perfecto of booze consumed, each rich with new and My room mate tends to exaggerate the mulling over interesting banter. The lengthy silence following your autism his cards when he has got something big, following up this mulling joke was ten hands ago, and your friend has long since forgiven by gratuitous under-betting. Your Union Weekly E.I.C. almost always you for disparaging his little brother. It’s a beautiful thing. For gets aggravated and overzealous when he does not get the hand he the sober players, it’s a very intense and monotonous grind that wanted, but acts even more angry and more overzealous when he does. occasionally induces stress to the lower abdomen. There is nothing And when they push all in, you can see it in their face: erection. to think about except the cards sitting before you (usually shitty), And yes, Vince has knocked me out of a couple of games and has and that, Davis, is no way to play poker. If somebody’s girlfriend taken a good amount of my money the past couple of times we have is not insulted at least three times, consider your poker night a played together, and he has done it drunk. But if I am the first to go, complete failure. he is always the second, letting his win over me, a self-proclaimed I would advise against any sort of reasonable expectations poor card player, get to his booze-soaked head. Vince also plays while playing inebriated. It’s not about winning your poor friend’s King’s Cup with full glasses of Beefeater and spills, nay, throws said cash anyway, and if it is, my heart grieves for you, asshole. gin on perfectly innocent and perfectly attractive females who have While the word camaraderie might mean convincing your stumbled upon the game. That’s what happens when girls and booze roommate to spoon every so often to Darren, it means something grace poker night: It becomes King’s Cup. much greater to most men. I would say being together is the So drink up, because there are much better card players than I important thing, and that booze is merely a bonus to what is who share my tactics. One day you’ll be pouring yourself another always a fun time. That’s something I might say when drunk. one while throwing your keys down in the pot, and on that day Drink with your friends and be happy you have them. you’ll be taking a cab.

Who Reigns Supreme?

Vote for Vince or Darren by emailing kathy@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Random Rants!

On Britney’s Comeback: On Sunday, MTV aired the VMAs. Britney Spears opened the show performing her new song, “Gimme More.” The person who thought it was a stellar idea to have her perform should seriously be fired. Not only were her lips out of sync, but her dancing was boring. I wanted to gouge my eyes out.

Lastly, her post-baby body: not sexy at all. I understand that after two babies it’s hard to get back into shape, but if that is the case, then please don’t wear a black leather sports bra with matching underwear on stage for your supposed “comeback” performance. It’s not sexy.

-Kelsey Ketchum

On The Worst Luck Ever: My roomate has this glass “vase.” It’s a type of vase that brings us all together by the pool and allows us to “bond” if you will. And while this vase isn’t exactly worth millions, it’s something that we ought not to ever break. Well, while we were bonding, I slightly tapped this “vase” while it was on the ground and it happened to fall over on the only uncovered area of my tile floor. And yes, it broke. I’m not superstitious and I don’t believe that breaking a glass bon—vase would bring me bad luck, but fuck, this was the second time! Will someone please invent unbreakable glass?! Please?!

-Kathy Miranda

On Loudly-Singing Men: Dear loudly-singing man who walked ahead of me on my way home from the metro the other night, I appreciate you more than you could possibly know. I may not know your name (or even what you look like—it was pretty dark out), but I know you’ve got soul. Lots of soul. Not to mention, a lovely singing voice. I was having kind of a rough time that night—life was feeling pretty bummy—and you really pulled through for me. So thanks, guy. You really made my night.

-Erin Hickey

On Stealing Drumsets: It takes a particularly dumb breed of tweaker to steal from a house party, especially when all the people at the party are friends. Simply not cool. Did you think you could steal an old drum set along with some other stuff from a house full of friends and get away with it? Never.

Get a job like everyone else and stop ruining good peoples nights. Here’s to all those shady thieves and cowards—party foul of the century. You’ll be hearing from the cops, assholes.

-Michaël Veremans Upset About Something?

Tell the world (or at least a few thousand students). Send your one hundred-word rants to: kathy@ lbunion.com

17 September 2007

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

Niner Prepares For Rough Seas Ahead

By Vincent Girimonte & Ryan Kobane

But Should

By Chris Barrett Science Guy

Passage Opening Closes Chapter

News Director & Editor-in-Chief

T

he future of the Daily 49er hangs in the balance, and yes this is real, fact-based news (as real as we’re comfortable with, anyway). A feasibility study concerning a possible online-only publication is in the works after years of debt finally prompted Gerry Riposa, Dean of the College of Liberal Arts, to search for an alternative method of operation. As those close to the 49er know, the financial ruin has been snowballing for several years now, the CLA annually coming to the rescue with a $20,000-$30,000 check. The plug has been pulled, more or less, on the print edition of the 49er, your “definitive source of campus news” dangerously close to becoming an email link. Here’s why:

The Struggle with Independence The Daily 49er went independent in 2003 hoping to print through ad revenue.

Prior to the move, school funds covered operational costs, including the salaries of Beverly Munson and J.M. Eggleston. In retrospect, it seems the 49er’s decision to become an independent news source ignited their financial problems. For starters, professional salaries once paid for by the Journalism Department, estimated at more than $110,000, are now dipping into the ad revenue. The plan looked noble on paper, but cutting ties to the school has proven itself to be a poor and likely dooming decision.

Furthermore, according to Brad Zint, current editorin-chief of the 49er, labeling the paper an “independent” publication is a misnomer. “We are not a truly independent paper,” he quipped, adding that the CLA already pays for the office space and the phones, not to mention handling the debt accumulated year after year, which annually exceeds $20,000.

Zint also claims that there is no “splurging” taking place within the paper, leaving one to ponder where this debt is being amassed. One look at their daily product is verification enough that this money is not being pumped into the paper itself, or on paying a staff working towards its improvement.

If you’ve ever taken a journalism class on this campus you should have already realized the lack of validity behind this claim of independence. 49ers are passed out daily in numerous classes, extra credit is given to students who “choose” to write for it, and when the fresh meat walk into Journalism 120, guess who’s there on the first day of class with a clipboard and a sign-up sheet? The Daily 49er. This is an amazing asset and opportunity that the 49er inherits, and rightfully so- their offices reside directly inside the SPA building, the headquarters of the Journalism Department.

One would think this constant flow of young, aspiring journalists would lead to some kind of change in the last 30 years. This has proven to be untrue.

No Sympathy Here In Spring 2006, the 49er put fourth a referendum soliciting for $300,000 annually in the form of university fees. This paper left no doubt as to their stance in the April 24th, 2006 issue, calling for students to decline the 49er request citing irresponsibility with money, zero long-term vision, and poor production among other compelling reasons.

But really, it’s unlikely such a Union campaign was even necessary given the nature of asking students for more money.

It’s pulling teeth at best, especially when a student newspaper disenfranchised with the student body is the entity asking for the aid.

The referendum failed miserably, thus leaving the staff of the 49er in a very precarious situation. With no money coming

directly from student fees, the entire burden of $300,000 dollars a year to produce a daily paper fell directly on the shoulders of the 49er’s General Manager and Advertising Director, Beverly Munson.

A Flawed Design In the very near future, the person who has been responsible for overseeing the layout and production of the 49er, Eggleston, will be retiring after over thirty years of service to the paper. A career that has seen almost three-quarters of the 49ers lifespan is absolutely amazing, but in terms of progression, one can begin to imagine why things have not changed when the same hand has been dictating the layout over such an extended period. There are students on this campus more than willing to do that job for free, and now is their opportunity to pursue this channel.

The Next Step When a business loses money, someone must answer the questions as to why, and hopefully proceed to ask what is being done to change the problems incurring the debt. No smart investor would continue to pour money into something they feel has no chance of recouping it, or rather, could be better served allocating funds elsewhere. Essentially, this is the problem that the Daily 49er is facing with the CLA. With several years of $20,000+ in the red, the CLA is now doing research on how their money can be allocated in a better manor. The 49er’s history can only hurt them at this point, their hopes banking on the necessity of a daily paper and if it actually exists. Time and a feasibility report will only tell, but the outlook is bleak for those at the 49er.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: vince@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

The search that lasted throughout a 400-year period of human history is finally over. As of the end of August, the Northwest Passage is officially open and navigable.

Thanks to the fruits of unhindered industry, the Arctic Ocean has warmed enough in recent years that ships may sail around North America’s arctic coastline uninhibited by ice. This new passage may prove valuable for the shipping industry as it opens up a trade route that could generate a billion dollars a year while significantly hurting Panama’s economy by being 5,000 miles shorter from Europe to Asia than taking the canal. Not only would this never have happened if we had listened to scientists, but even their climate warming estimates didn’t predict this would happen until at least 2012. Take that, nerds.

Although these developments have blindsided many American politicians who remain skeptical of global warming, industries and governments abroad saw this coming two years ago in September 2005, when the ice sheets shrank drastically further than what models projected, which was still 50% more ice than we have this year. The shipping industry responded by investing heavily in tiny arctic port towns such as Churchill, Manitoba, which is suddenly poised to become a major shipping hub. Russia, Denmark, and Norway responded to the melt by claiming strategic pieces of the Arctic Ocean’s floor, which contains 25% of the world’s untapped fossil fuel supply. Those countries are now being courted by oil companies keen on exclusive drilling rights once the ice sheets recede far enough for extraction to begin. The amount spent thus far is not yet disclosed, but the oil industry sure is investing a lot in global warming being real when all of the research they release says there’s no evidence for it at all.

It is projected that only a few more degrees of warming are needed to keep the Northwest Passage open year-round and for drilling to begin, providing us with more oil to burn, so keep your eyes on the prize people.

Soon we will even be rid of those pesky polar bears without so much as lifting a trigger finger.

There are some organizations about who would prevent this but I know one commuter campus that hits the gas pedal like it means it. Go Beach!

Mon. 17th Tues. 18th Wed. 19th Thur. 20th Fri. 21st Your Weekend Hi 73° Lo 58° Hi 72° Lo 59° Hi 71° Lo 59° Hi 74° Lo 59° Hi 74° Lo 59° Cloudy Clouds Cloudish Cloudier Seriously?

17 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Hi 73° Lo 62° Nice!

5

Sports

Gambler O’ The Week

Former NBA ref Tim Donaghy, whose massive mafia debts forced him to alter the outcome of games—costing him his job, his wife, and the next 25 years of his life. “Remember kids, don’t incur debt to the mob,” he would probably say.

Sudden Death Victory Sparks Soccer

Former Dirtbag Tulowitzki Killin’ It In The Bigs

Let’s just pretend those first five games never happened. Is the season back on track?

By Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor

K

im Silos scored twice, Hayley Bolt controlled the tempo, and Superfan offered constant play-by-play commentary to no one in particular. Yes, CSULB women’s soccer was pretty much back to normal last Friday against Oklahoma.

After an early Silos goal put the 49ers up, the team continued to dominate all aspects of the match but failed to increase their lead. Bolt set her teammates up for numerous chances, though few quality shots were taken.

It bit the 49ers near the end of regulation, when a Sooner corner kick found its way in front of the net, and Tenesha Duncan squeezed it past Long Beach keeper Liz Ramos to tie the score in the 87th minute.

“I was thinking, ‘Man, I can’t believe we’re going into overtime,’” said 49er coach Mauricio Ingrassia.

He had reason to worry. The Beach carried a three-game losing streak into the match—the result of a tough road swing against three highly ranked opponents. The losses knocked the team out of the Top 25, and another to Oklahoma—a team that many expected Long Beach to easily handle—would have been disheartening.

“Thank God for Kim Silos,” Ingrassia said, as everyone in the stands was thinking the exact same thing.

The midfielder found her second goal on a deflected rebound, right in front of the

By Brandi Perez

Photos: Russell Conroy The 49ers mob forward Kim Silos after her game-winner, as a sad Sooner contemplates the long flight home. Below (from left): Bolt, Silos and Kiefer.

net. The sudden death goal finally ended the match, 2-1, in the 105th minute.

“The goals come when they need to come,” Silos said. “It feels really good after that [losing] streak.”

The victory evens Long Beach’s record to 3-3 on the young season, and though the team endured a rocky start, the talent-laden squad has plenty of time to improve over the course of the year. Key players are stepping up when needed, such as (drumroll) senior defender Amanda Perry.

Perry entered the game to fill in for an injury to Julie Megorden, playing a tough 77 minutes and offering up more than one shoulder shiver to Sooners daring to enter the backfield.

Ingrassia was especially impressed with Perry’s performance, after she had been left off of the travel roster during the road trip.

“I’m real proud of [Perry],” he said. “To her credit, she worked out with the kids back home every day. She never put her head down and showed a lot of character.”

Freshman Lindsay Bullock anchored the midfield, using her physicality to control the ball—thunder to Hayley Bolt’s lightning.

Kristen Kiefer constantly stretched the Sooner defense from her forward position.

The 49ers travel to the University of Oklahoma’s own tournament next weekend to face Middle Tennessee and North Texas, with recharged batteries after a much needed victory.

Though closer than they would have liked, it was hard not to believe that the spirited win was just what Long Beach needed to regain a winning mentality.

“It’s always nice to give your fans a sudden death goal,” Ingrassia said. “This’ll go down as one of those great games in school history.”

S

Contributor

hortstop Troy Tulowitzki has just about done it all. After a great career at CSU Long Beach, he spent a summer with Team USA, was the highest-ever 49er selected in the MLB draft and has now broken a National League record.

In his two years as a Dirtbag, Tulo recorded a .962 fielding percentage, notching 88 RBIs and a .296 batting average.

He was selected as Team USA’s starting shortstop in 2004. His .519 slugging percentage, 17 runs and .369 on-base percentage pushed the team to its golden victory in Taiwan as part of the World Championships.

Tulo, a 2005 first round draft pick, was selected seventh overall by the Colorado Rockies, the highest of any 49er in school history.

Recently, in the first of a 4-game series in Philly, Tulo dropped a bomb on the record books with a blast to center for his 20th homer of the season, the most by any rookie shortstop in history. The NL record had been held by Ernie Banks since 1954.

The 22-year-old is a strong candidate for Rookie of the Year. As he continues to pile up impressive numbers, he increases his likelihood of taking the title. Make us proud, Tulo.

You Should Really Go to the Red Bull Air Race This Weekend

Get to Know Your Niners: Travis Buchanan The senior attacker has paid his dues in blood and sweat, and he and the rest of the #9-ranked water polo team will host the LBSU Mini Tournament this Saturday.

On This Weekend’s Tournament We have two games on Saturday and two on Sunday, which is unusual for a sport this physically demanding. But it’s smart because when it gets to conference and you’re playing the USCs and Stanfords, you need to be mentally prepared, and playing a schedule like this is going to help us.

On the Team This Season We’re finally showing some potential. We’ve had some ups and downs but were finally showing some consistency. In the past, we’ve had great players, but everyone was trying to do it themselves. This year we’ve

6

got a better system and everyone’s willing to help. If everyone buys into the system that [coach] Gavin [Arroyo] put in, we can be really good.

On His Expectations I expect progress. At this point were doing well but we can get a lot better and use each other more. No one has to be a hero. I expect to really show progress and advance the program.

Water polo is like a mixture of soccer, basketball, swimming and ultimate fighting.

On The Sport’s Intricacies Water polo is by far the most physically demanding sport I’ve played. When every day you’re getting knocked in the face and people are looking at… umm… things they shouldn’t be, that’s tough.

On How Comfortable He Is In A Speedo Probably too comfortable. It bothers you a little bit at first when you start playing the game, and it’s awkward, but you get used to it. When I’m at home I’ll get out of the shower and be walking around in a towel and my roommates will tell me to put some clothes on. I tell them, “What are you talking about? I’m fully clothed right now.”

I’m comfortable enough that it’s something I’m used to.

On What He’s Most Proud Of Just sticking with it. In three years I’ve always been the smallest guy on the team.

I almost got cut my freshman year. The coaches recognized that I was working hard and decided to keep me. There’s not anything I can really brag about, but just the fact that I’ve stuck with it is probably what I’m most proud of.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Ever wish you could be a fighter jet pilot? If not, what the hell is wrong with you? If you have a chance to be in, near or around San Diego this weekend, for the love of God, go.

The Red Bull Air Race series takes over the city this Friday and Saturday in the ninth of ten events this season. If this isn’t every little kids’ dream, then I don’t know what is.

A handful of the world’s best stunt pilots duke it out against the clock (and each other) through inflatable gates, inches from the water, over 200 miles per hour, and other prepositions.

Check out redbullairrace.com for tickets and some awesome videos.

17 September 2007

The Top 5 Movies That’ll Make You Go For Broke #1 The Hustler

T

he Hustler being at the #1 spot may come as a shock to some of you, being as that it isn’t about poker or any sort of card playing. Nevertheless, this movie has the ups and downs of gambling, portraying how a skilled professional can survive off of hustling people at pool.

Paul Newman plays “Fast” Eddie Felson, a cocky kid with an excess of natural talent who is new to the scene of professional pool playing. In an attempt to prove himself, he challenges Minnesota Fats (Jackie Gleason), an appropriately named fat man in a suit that plays pool with a grace uncommon to a man of his size. What comes next is something that’s better than anything you’ll see in any movie about texas hold ‘em or go fish or whatever fucking card game you like to lose money on, Fats and Eddie play for more than 30 hours straight, progressively raising the stakes with each game. For any other movie that would be a wrap, but that’s just the beginning!

What ensues from that point on is the story of Eddie’s greed backdropped by his symbiotic relationship with an alcoholic blonde, played by Piper Laurie (the mom from Carrie), who’s pretty down on her luck as well.

The Hustler is an unabashed, in-depth look into the life a hustler, and the effects of giving yourself entirely to your trade. A gambling movie that sets itself above all the rest, The Hustler engulfs you completely, and you won’t want it to end.

-By Mike Pallotta

Illustration by Patrick Kennedy

#2 Rounders

The only reason this is number two is because it probably should be number one and that’s a little too cliché for us. I first saw this movie while on a plane to Amsterdam. As if I needed more motivation to lose all of my minimum wage savings, this damn movie flickers on and tricks me into thinking I actually know how to play poker. The scenes are shot through a very intimate perspective, the nuances captured with the know-how of real poker players. Needless to say, the combo of Ed Norton, John Malkovich, and Matt Damon make it pretty difficult for a movie to fail. This movie certainly does not fail.

-By Vince Girimonte

#3 The Sting

#4 The Cincinnati Kid #5 The Deer Hunter

Robert Redford and Paul Newman team Steve McQueen was and still is (post-huup as the greatest dynamic duo of con-men mously) the man. He had a knack for doing the gambling world has ever seen. The movie his own stunts and generally being seen in takes place during the roaring ‘20s, a time public, acting like one of his characters in his when con-men were king. Redford plays a films. That’s what makes his films so genuine brash young wise guy who finds a mentor and that’s what makes The Cincinnati Kid so in Newman’s master matchstick man char- great. acter. Redford has talent, but he soon finds With a classic New Orleans-style out he has a lot to learn, while Newman just soundtrack, a beautiful redhead, a poker wants one more score before he gets out of tournament, and a cold demeanor from Mcthe game. If you enjoy cards, gambling, and Queen, The Cincinnati Kid provides everyhorse racing, you’ll love being Newman and thing you’ll need in a movie about gambling.

Long Beach Union Sept 4 & 10 Redford’s mark as they deliver a filibuster of Steve McQueen is basically the “Man with No flim flam.

Name” of poker players.

-By Andrew Wilson

-By Mike Pallotta

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The Deer Hunter is a gamble in itself.

Will your attention hold until the Russian Roulette scenes? Bad jokes aside, there’s really nothing you can gamble with that’s more awesome to behold than a young Christopher Walken’s life. There’s also a scene where Robert De Niro’s character gambles big and wins even bigger in a Vietnamese POW camp.

There’s about 2 more hours of non life-gambling activities such as weddings and hunting trips and just a truckload of theme and tone bullshit for the erudition crowd, but that’s not what’s important here. There are guys shooting themselves in their motherfucking faces.

-By Matt Dupree

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

7

Y

ou always hear about the “bad beats” in poker, not the big wins. On May 30th, 2006, Christian had one hell of a “bad beat.”

Holding pocket 6’s on a $4/$8 limit table, Christian raises pre-flop, only to have his bet called immediately by a man he’s never seen before at the Commerce Casino.

“The flop comes, ace, king, brick," which he later explains as a meaningless low card. "There were a few other players in the hand still, but when he raised after the flop, it was just him and myself. And for some reason I looked up to see what the 'Bad Beat Jackpot,' was up to, or it was at least in the back of my mind. I’m a tight player, but at something like $18,000, I just said, “why not?”

A 23-year-old super senior, Christian, who asked to remain last nameless for “IRS” reasons, could be the guy next to you in class; as long as said class is not during any hour classified as morning. Christian doesn’t do morning classes; they just don’t work with his schedule anymore.

“It all started with a twenty dollar buy in tournament with my friends and family. It was fun. I mean, I just liked it,” said Christian. “I knew how to play poker, but that was the first time I ever played a game for more than a few pennies, and that was like… wow, over four years ago now.

Even before Moneymaker won the Series.”

Since that day, one might say that Christian has taken to the game of poker. That is, if you call over a thousand hours inside of a casino in the last three years “taking to a game.”

“At first I was a break-even player. I was weak for sure, but I knew when to lay down the bad hands, and that was key.”

It wasn’t until almost a year later, in August of 2005 that Christian started to keep track of his wins and losses. His book is a day-by-day account of a growing obsession, meticulously kept, down to the hourly rate at which he was winning, or in some cases losing.

“One night I lost $70 bucks at the Bike (The Bicycle Casino) and I remember going home thinking how shitty that was. I didn’t have a job at the time, and it was, at that point, still a lot of money to lose in one night.”

In and out of the Commerce, Hustler, and the Bike, between August and December of 2005, Christian logged 45 sessions of poker inside a casino, only losing $300 dollars total in that five-month span. But unlike so many other budding gamble-holics produced by ESPN’s constant coverage of nolimit poker in the last five years, Christian fell in love with a different game: limit poker.

“Limit’s a science. No-limit’s an art.” says Christian with the utmost respect for both forms. “My game’s just better suited (no pun intended) for limit.”

It’s said that a player trying to make a living off of poker should have 300 to 1,000 times the big bet of their game of choice in the bank. Meaning, if a player chooses to sit down at a $40/$80 table (which Christian does) he should hypothetically have no less than $24,000 liquid. Christian calls this “the cushion.”

“I moved up way too fast. It’s not the way you should do it. I moved from $3/$6 to $40/$80 tables in less than a year.

And until now, I didn’t have even close to 300 times my big bet. This year’s been really good for me though!” he laughs.

And there it was, the first sense of his human side. His laughter was infectious. He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself. And why not, it's only September and he’s already $31,000 in the black.

Making $62 an hour would make any college student happy, and maintaining a respectable 2.8 GPA one would think Christian would be the apple of his mother’s eye, but this is simply not the case. Christian looks at playing poker as his job, not an addiction like so many people do. When he enters a casino, he logs in the time and date, just like a normal nine-to-five. Somedays he takes off, but mostly Christian goes to school full-time and works a 40-hour work week, just like any normal American citizen does week in and week out.

“My mom hates it. She wants me to get a job, or at the very least get an internship,” says Christian. “But anytime she brings up money issues, or the future, I just tell her, 'look at my wallet, I’m doing fine.'”

But things can change very quickly when your occupation includes the factors of dumb luck and intimidation, a fact he learned over this past summer.

With the lofty goal of making $10,000 in a three-month period, Christian set out to see if he could really make his new job, into a lifelong career. He knows his competition at almost every casino he steps foot in, usually knowing the faces and habits of seven out of nine players at a table. But

Against the

Odds The story of a collegiate gambler.

even when all of those things line up to give a player the maximum advantage possible, you still need the cards.

“It was like nothing I’d ever experienced,” said Christian. “I lost $3,600 in less than a day. I couldn’t believe it. I honestly thought about never coming back. But after a few days of not playing and sitting on the couch, I realized I just had to keep playing. Not because I felt like I needed to win my money back, but because I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t good at my job.”

Christian also differs from most modern poker players in that he never touches an online game. Since the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006 was passed, the face of online gambling has since changed dramatically. No longer is it legal to transfer funds from a financial institution (person or business) to an internet gambling site, with the notable exceptions of fantasy sports, online lotteries, and horse/harness racing. This act crippled online gambling for a short period of time, but like most things, the persistent people found a way around this.

“It’s a different world out there,” said Christian. “People have tracker programs now, they’re crazy. A program that can keep track of the tendencies of thousands of players at the same time is just too much to deal with. I prefer to sit down and look my opponent in the face.”

If you didn’t already know, Los Angeles is one of the Meccas of the poker world. The Commerce Casino has the most poker tables under one roof in the entire world, and is consistently frequented by men with huge gold bracelets, sunglasses, and smug smiles.

It’s obviously the way poker was meant to be played; a battle of human will, face to face. But in battle there will always be the wounded, something that Christian has done very well at avoiding becoming.

“I consider myself a very calm player, and I almost never go on tilt. But man, you see the worst in people come out at a poker table. Whether it's guys not getting out of a seat for three days straight, or people losing everything and going directly back to the ATM, it isn’t for the weak, that’s for sure.”

You see the worst in people come out at a poker game.

Limit's a science.

No limit's an art.

8

It's one of poker’s only redeeming points, and has undoubtedly saved many horrible situations from occurring in numerous casinos after a tough loss. A bad beat jackpot is a prize that is paid when a sufficiently strong hand, usually a full house or better, is shown down and loses to an even stronger hand, usually four of a kind or better, held by another player. These jackpots can reach mammoth proportions if a bad beat isn’t seen in a poker room for an extended period of time, and that was just the case on May 30th, 2006.

In Christian’s situation, this continuously ongoing accumulation of dollars and cents added up to $18,600. And while he had no idea what this man sitting next to him was holding, and even though he held a moderately strong hand of pocket 6’s, the odds were heavily stacked against him; but that’s what gambling’s all about, if you never push in the chips, you never win.

So when the flop comes ace, king, low card, and the turn sees another ace, Christian was left with the ultimate decision; cut his losses in the hand (which were substantial at this point) or hope to see another ace on the river, with the odds of seeing such being astronomical.

“I played the hand horribly,” said Christian. “I shouldn’t have been in the hand long enough to see that ace come out on the river.”

Christian left that night with over ten thousand dollars in his pockets ($9,600 from his portion of the jackpot) and what he calls his startup money. Most people who use that term are referring to their new business, but in his case it was just a reason to give poker a real shot.

Christian has funded his entire life for the last three semesters solely on his winnings from gambling, but when you talk to him you sense that he knows fully well that poker is a very fickle occupation to rely on, and that tomorrow could see him in rags.

“I’m graduating next semester and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.” For someone who is making more than most of his professors here, Christian’s outlook seems to be quite normal for a pending college graduate, he’s just got a much better poker face about it than you do.

I prefer to look my opponent in the face.

At this point a definition of a “Bad Beat Jackpot,” is definitely necessary.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

-By Ryan Kobane

17 September 2007

r e s k e o i P mm u d for

age, r a g a o, or vienr the world. It n i s a c in a f people all o ms about the , e n i l n er o by millions o y, scores of fil rld champih t e h W s enjoyed a wo s on pl most evised

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Stud

Stud is a game (such as five card or seven card) in which the players must use the cards they are dealt, without being allowed to discard. That means that the player with the best hand dealt would win, in principle. It is important to remember that poker is about playing the other players, and though it may seem like a game of chance, bluffing here would be the best way to win the pot. Some cards may be displayed face-up depending on the game.

Poker terms

All in When you bet all of your money on your hand (put all your chips in the pot).

Ante The initial bet, usually thrown in before cards

Poker Hierarchy Royal Flush Straight Flush Four-of-a-Kind Full House Flush Straight Three-of-a-Kind Two Pair Two-of-a-Kind

are seen.

Blind A forced bet made by one or two people to the left of the dealer to induce more players to bet, especially seen in games without antes such as Texas Hold ’em.

High Card

Bluff To feign a better hand than you have in order to

Community

get other players to fold.

Burn To discard the top card of the deck before pas-

In this game, players are dealt a certain amount of cards to their hand (two or four depending on whether it's Texas Hold ‘em or Omaha Hold ‘em, respectively) and a certain amount of cards are laid down on the table face up by the dealer. These cards are community cards and can be used by any of the players to build the best hand he can. No matter how many cards are in hand or on the table, the players may only use five cards, a combination of both the hand and face up cards.

The use of blinds here is more prevalent than anteing up and betting is down after each new card is laid face up.

sing out new cards, done to deter cheating.

Call Matching a bet or raising another player.

Check To bet nothing, only possible when you don’t have to call.

Deal To distribute cards from the deck to other players (usually the job of the dealer).

Discard When you take a card from your hand in order to receive a new one (only in draw).

Fold To pull out of the round before betting (usually because of a bad hand) and putting your hand down.

Post Paying the blind.

Pot Where the money’s at.

Raise To bet more money than the players before you in a round.

Rake What the casino or house takes from each pot as a fee.

River Card the last card dealt in a hand.

Shark Someone much better than you at poker.

Tell Signs another player may show when he has a good or bad hand.

Wild Card A card that takes on the value you assign it, usually a Joker.

17 September 2007

draw

When playing a game of draw (such as five card draw) the players are allowed to discard one or more of their cards in order to receive new cards from the dealer. Before discarding, players will usually place a bet based on their expectations from the draw. If the player doesn’t fold after receiving his new card(s), a process which is only allowed to happen once per hand, he bets again based on his new hand. This game is much more flexible, takes longer, and usually boasts a bigger pot at the end of the turn.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9

The Basics of Winning Hold’em Poker Elvis and Me

By Priscilla Beaulieu Presley

By Avery Cardoza

Berkley 352 Pages $7.99 Reviewed by Patricia Alonzo

Cardoza Publishing 64 Pages $4.95 Reviewed by Kathleen Rodil

O

ne thing I know how to do (and not well) is play poker. Like a fat kid with asthma playing tag, I’d be the first one out. My mother, who was known as the “Black Widow” during a poker tournament in Vegas, suggested I read The Basics of Winning Hold’Em Poker by Avery Cardoza. It’s short, straight forward, and easy to read, so I knew I was bound to learn a thing or two. Since then, my game has improved quite a bit and I’m able to make some money to pay for my books.

It’s an instructional book, so it’s not much of an exciting read. It deals with the basics at first and gets into the more difficult stuff later on.

Like other poker books out there, this doesn’t talk much about the psychology of the game in regards to the thoughts and moves of the other players. It focuses more on teaching the game and improving the skills of the player. Cardoza makes playing easy to understand by giving advice and inserting hypothetical games that the player could be a part of.

After reading it once, winning doesn’t seem that hard anymore. If you want high stakes, winner takes all, Vegas hookers and pimps… this book isn’t for you. If you want to learn the

TUESDAY

SEPTEMBER

18

fundamentals of poker and start up a new hobby, pick up the book and start highlighting. Reading this book will give any new player great tips and skills. Soon a newbie will be able to kick some ass and be able to pay off credit card debts.

I read this book about six years ago thinking it was going to be another boring book report, but it turned out to be one of my favorite books. Elvis and Me is a biography by Priscilla Beaulieu Presley: model, actress, and ex-wife of Elvis Presley.

In the book, Priscilla recounts her life next to “The King,” who was a husband as well as a father.

She had the dream many girls have of a knight in shining armor taking her away; even at 15, Priscilla knew she wanted that and went after it. They fell in love (well at least she did) and nothing could stand in love’s way. While still underage, she found a way to obtain her heart’s desire, and little by little she ended up in Graceland with her one and only.

Priscilla admits that although she had a very strong sexual connection with Elvis, it was a connection that was never fulfilled until their wedding night. She tells of having some wild and exciting nights where she wanted nothing more but to be his. Elvis, on the other hand, would never have it. He wanted something to look forward to, and in the end she accepted the long wait to consummate their love for one another.

Acknowledging that Elvis became her god, Priscilla explains the power he had over her. He controlled her life in all its facets; decisions such as what to wear, how

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to look, where to go, were no longer hers to make for herself. Even though Priscilla sometimes dared to challenge him, she would never win. Her life had become his.

Recounting many moments and telling numerous stories, Priscilla talks about their life together, the ups and the downs. Everything is revealed from his dependency on pills to his period of enlightenment. Finally, she ends with their divorce and less than five years later, his death.

Quite truthfully, Priscilla depicts Elvis as a very bad person, who is arrogant, selfish, and unfaithful. Yet she describes him as a real, passionate, and loving man, which leaves me wondering: how much of it is true?

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

17 September 2007

Photos by Sean Boulger

Justice Henry Fonda Theatre Hollywood

$23

Doors at 8pm Tuesday, October 9th

French dance duo Justice have already put out a super kickass album this year, and everybody this side of the Atlantic has been jonesing for a performance from these guys since they rocked everyone’s faces at Coachella last April. Go check ‘em out, and make sure to watch out for bad Ecstasy.

A Spoonful of Sugar

Review by Rachel Rufrano

I Beirut The Avalon Hollywood

$22

Doors at 9pm Wednesday, October 10th

Why should you go see Beirut? Read the album review on the next page, dammit! Flying Club Cup is the newest release from the indie world music pioneer Zach Condon, and unless you want to be the lame-ass sitting at home while all your cool friends go check out the latest rock and/or roll bands, I suggest you hop on Ticketmaster and get on that shit.

Rogue Wave El Rey Theatre Los Angeles

$14

Doors at 8pm Thursday, October 11th

If the Shins all got really seasick, but still made awesome music, they would sound like Rogue Wave. Not only will the audience be guaranteed a couple of solo acoustic tunes by Zach Rogue, you should also check out the fact that bassist Pat Spurgeon sorta looks like Jim Carrey.

Devendra Banhart Orpheum Theatre Hollywood

$28

Doors at 9pm Saturday, October 13th

Leading man in the neo-indie Freak Folk/New Weird America movement, Devendra Banhart brings his interesting brand of hippie-soaked folk music to LA, where pseudo-hippies from miles around will be sure to delight in his songs about being a “Long-Haired Child.” Also, go pick up his new album, Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon, obviously.

17 September 2007

feel empty. I feel used. I had a one-night stand with a band that cared nothing for me. I tried to fool myself into thinking I was having a good time, but I knew my efforts were in vain. It was clear from the beginning that things would never work out between us.

It was just ten minutes to showtime when I crammed my way into the humid lesion some like to call the Henry Fonda. I acclimated immediately to the predominantly male (and predominantly unshowered) crowd that surrounded me. The hall was filled wall-to-wall with nonchalant Mac guys pressing their plastic cups tentatively to their v-necked chests, and there were more five o’ clock shadows than you could shake a razor at.

The Everly Brothers began to blare through the speakers as the curtains opened to reveal Spoon, the group I’d adored since I heard “The Way We Get By” in 2003. Britt Daniels shouted his count-off over “Bye Bye Love” and as soon as the band began, the automation stopped.

My first fear was that Spoon would be unable to live up to the mastery accomplished in the studio on their most recent album Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga. The album was raw, perfectly capturing the extemporization of rock n’ roll—something one might consider unavoidable in a live performance. Unfortunately, my fears were confirmed, and I found that Spoon exposed inhibition and lacked the ardor and spirit heard on the record and records prior.

This was apparent, as Daniels has acquired the hapless habit of making distressed expressions in the face of technical difficulties, and I couldn’t help but reciprocate them. The intro song began with the trill of feedback, but I forgave them as soon as Rob Pope’s bass bounced into “Don’t You Evah.” Things seemed to be going well—that is, until Daniels completely forgot the words. The crowd laughed it off, and I felt inclined to do the same. Unfortunately for Spoon, my inclinations were decidedly weak. At this point, my feet were still functioning comfortably in three-inch heels, so my mood remained forgiving. Come encore, I had grown tired of having my anticipation crushed by mediocrity. I knew that if they were smart, they would play “The Way We Get By” and break out the horn section to finish with their hit of the moment, “The Underdog.” Alas, “The Way We Get By” was absent from the entire set.

They were about to perform their final song and, like a neglected and whimpering puppy (literally, my feet were killing me), I was willing to forgive, provided “The Underdog” could will my aching heels to move. This should have been no difficult task, seeing as nothing makes me want to slap a tambourine on my ass like Mama Cass more than that very song. In a disappointing fit of shame, my expectations were quelled when I was bombarded with a raucous cacophony enough to make Helen Keller cringe.

In Spoon’s defense (because you have to remember, I speak from the perspective of a disappointed fan), there were a few golden moments. Try to imagine me as the father who criticizes because he loves. I was disillusioned by the child that had never done me wrong, so I dressed up my denial in dancing and self-deception. “You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb” was a fine sample of what the entire show should have been; the three-man horn section

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

incorporated some much-needed fun. The most energy exuded was during the performance of the entrancing “The Ghost of You Lingers.” Head down, shoulders tense, Eric Harvey persistently pounded away at his keyboard. Dissonant chords reverberated and soothed my aching ears. Daniels seemed to finally allow the music to consume his ego. A red light scanned over the crowd, leaving us in a hypnotic trance. How the group was able to go from uninspired and affected to completely volatile and genuine, and then right back again, I will never understand, but I was grateful for the authenticity when it came. After all, that’s why I was there to begin with.

If I were going to make an excuse for the group, I might say that because it was their third night in a row at the same venue, they were drained or bored. One might also argue that they could have become more familiar with their Los Angeles audience. Either way, the performance was less than engaging. I’m not asking that Spoon be extravagant and I don’t see any need for them to sneer or snarl or duck walk across the stage.

I do, however, expect a decent display of vivacity and enthusiasm for a brand new, critically acclaimed album —one they neglected and only played a select few songs from. Despite the blatant euphonic mistakes and sheer laziness, the group was able to form a solid bond with the audience. One couple went so far as to inform me that they’d seen them the past two nights in a row.

Looking back, I wish I’d had the foresight to ask if this particular show was an anomaly, but they were too busy shouting along to “I Turn My Camera On,” and yeah, I guess I was doing the same.

So Spoon still hasn’t called me back, but I can say that if they do, despite my negative experience the first time around, I’d be more than willing to pick up the phone.

Maybe next time, they could buy me dinner first.

You want more music?

Then get your sweet ass over to the online music section, and enjoy yourself at our expense! www.lbunion.com

11

Porno, Blacklights, and Flying Cups The New Pornographers Challengers Matador

8.3

Stop giggling at the name; this band deserves your absolute respect. I have to be honest with you: thanks to the Internet, I’ve been listening to Challengers since before the launch of the iPhone. This is the fourth effort

by Vancouver indie-pop rockers The New Pornographers, and after my first listen, it quickly made itself the soundtrack of my summer.

The highlights of the album make up some of my favorite New Pornographer songs to date. Songs like “All the Old Showstoppers” show a certain restraint on the part of the band and give the album a more mature sound than on previous records. Also surprising is the increased number of songs lead by members of the band other than frontman Carl Newman. Neko Case sings on the impassioned and beautiful track “Go Places” which shows off a completely new sound for the band, and my favorite song on the album has got to be “Adventures in Solitude.”

The entire album is just as catchy as their previous three, but feels more orchestrated and while they pull the change off flawlessly, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I sorta like their old direction even better. In fact, my only complaint with the album is that when I heard that there was a new album being recorded by the band about six months ago, I looked forward to an album chock-full of the power-poppy music I had come to love. Unfortunately, this album lacks that type of energy. Even so, the record proves that even mellow indie-pop can make your ears happier than personified ears ever should be. And with word on the street being that the album is available on the $9.99 rack at Target, there is no good reason why Challengers shouldn’t be in your personal collection by the end of the week.

-By Allen Steiner

12

Beirut

The Flying Club Cup Ba Da Bing!

8.7

Beirut’s 2006 debut album Gulag Orkestar, inspired entirely by the vintage cover photo taken by Russian photographer Sergey Chilikov, solidified Zach Condon’s position as forerunner of the Balkan/world/Indie music arena (and his competitors are furious!).

This time around, Condon finds inspiration in early twentieth century France, and Flying Club Cup doesn’t fail to conjure up images of empty French carnivals where the only sounds that linger are the gypsy music grinder’s monkey and the player piano.

Club Cup ditches the ukulele for the full, lush string arrangements of Final Fantasy and Arcade Fire arranger Owen Pallett, something best displayed on the album’s ninth track, “In the Mausoleum,” a jazzy tune with quirky timing.

Condon’s signature style, however, remains relievedly Polyvinyl Recordsfamiliar.

The charming Jacques Brel-esque sounds are revived in songs like “Forks and Knives” which present us with the same triumphant waltzing melodies as heard on Gulag’s “Elephant Gun.” His wistful voice still cascades over crashing cymbals and brass oompahs, but his vocal performance makes a transformation on “Cliquot” and we hear a noticeably pained staccato singing style that leans more towards classical baroque pop than it does towards Morrissey.

“Le Banileu” features a wheezing accordion that fades in like an encore floating down the Seine, and everyone on the barge bursts into the chorus from track three, “A Sunday Smile.” While the gypsies sway to “Un Dernier Verre,” a beautifully tragic ballad that steadily builds into euphonium ecstasy, the passersby idly throw change in the direction of the undulating rhythms of “Cherbourg.”

Beirut manages, once again, to take the presumably un-listenable genre of world music and beguile the listener into wanting nothing more than to dance shamelessly with the street musicians of some impoverished village. One can only imagine what foreign old-country destination Condon will adventure to next, but as long as he brings wine and good friends along the way, how bad could it be?

-By Rachel Rufrano

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Rilo Kiley Under the Blacklight Warner Bros.

5.4

Rilo Kiley is donezo. The band’s fourth release, Under the Blacklight, is saturated with an overwhelming feeling that Jenny Lewis is over it. One gets the impression that Blacklight is the group’s idea of a white flag of surrender. Either that, or it’s a concept album gone disastrously wrong.

The first half of the album is comprised of vaguely catchy songs, starting with “Silver Lining,” a countryinfused hand-clapper not too far off Rilo’s beaten path.

Jenny Lewis’ vocals shine more on this track than almost any other on the album and give you hope that Under the Blacklight will live up to expectations. “Close Call” follows this, and is much in the same vein as “Silver Lining.”

In fact, the song’s only flaw, in my humble opinion, is that it sounds like “Silver Lining, Part Two.” “Moneymaker” is the album’s first single and, though it may not be the band’s best work lyrically, it’s quite a hip-shaker.

The title track is a ripoff of any song off Liz Phair’s latest album, but before the entire album goes to hell, the band pulls “Dreamworld” out of its ass. Usually any song featuring Blake Sennett I quickly skip past, but Lewis’ vocal accompaniment makes this song a standout, or at the very least, one that gets stuck in your head. After this song, however, I think few will disagree with me when I say the album crashes and burns.

Ultimately, Under the Blacklight is not a terrible album—although there are more throwaways than there should be, the good songs almost make up for it. The thing is, Rilo Kiley is supposed to be the band you can always fall back on. Instead, this album is going to fall through the cracks on your iTunes, banished to the far corners of playlists titled “Driving,” or possibly “Guilty Pleasures.”

-By Tessah Schoenrock

17 September 2007

Know What’s Going on in the Local Art Scene? We’ll Tell Yah! The Getty

Photo Provided By www.getty.edu

LACMA- Los Angeles Contemporary Art Museum

5905 Wilshire Boulevard, Los Angeles CA 90036 Tel. 323-857-6000; 323-857-0098 SOCAL: Southern California Art of the 1960 and ‘70s from LACMA’s collection August 19 - March 30 The Arts in Latin America 1492-1820 August 5 - October 28 Highlights of Spanish Colonial Art from the collection of Patricia Phelps de Cisneros August 5 -December 30

17985 Pacific Coast Highway Pacific Palisades, CA 90272 Music for the Masses: Illuminated Choir Books August 14 - October 28 Recent History: Photographs by Luc Delahaye July 31- November 25 Edward Weston: Enduring Vision July 31- November 25 Evidence of Movement July10 - October 7 Zoopsia: New Works by Tim Hawkinson March 6 - September 16 Classical Connections: The Enduring Influence of Greek and Roman Art December 16 - December 31

Hammer

10899 Wilshire Blvd Los Angeles, CA 90024 310-443-7000 Dan Grahm “Rock My Religion” September 4 - September 23 Extraordinary Exhibitions “Broadside” from the collection of Rick Jay August 26 - November 25 Jamie Isensrein September 28 - November 11 Francis Alys: Politics of Rehearsal September 30 - Febuary 17 Hammer Projects: Kaori Upson November 27 - Febuary 17

MOCA- Museum of Contemporary Art 250 South Grand Avenue Los Angeles, CA 90012 MOCA Focus - Mathew Monahan July 26 - October 29 Florian Maier

The Long Beach Museum of Art

2300 East Ocean Boulevard Long Beach, CA 90803 Looking at Long Beach and Claremont Connections Painting with Fire: Masters of Enameling in America, 1930-1980 Every Friday at the Museum is FREE

Photo Provided By www.lbma.org

I Love You, but I Can’t Have You

By Amanda Christina

J

oan and Mathew were in love; from the moment they met, they knew that they were destined to be together forever. It was like a scene out of a fairy tale, it was so magical.

But this isn’t a fairy tale, this is reality. And as the very cruel fate would have it, they couldn’t have each other. They were off limits.

But can you really stop a love that’s destined to be?

You can try with everything you have, but you’ll fail every time.

When Mathew looked at Joan, the love he felt for her was written all over his face. When Joan walked into the room, he couldn’t help but smile; but it was his eyes that did most of the smiling. No matter how God-awful a day he was having, the one thing that made it instantly better was Joan, all he needed to do was lay is eyes on her—or hear her voice. Everyone could see it in his eye that he loved her with all of his heart, mind, body and soul; they could see it in his

beautiful blue green eyes—which turned to a darker green when Joan was around.

When Joan looked at Mathew, the love she felt for him was also written all over her face. Joan had known from the moment that she met Mathew that he was her one true love—the one she was meant to spend eternity with. It was a strange feeling that came over her, it was as if she was suddenly at ease and no longer felt alone. Every time she laid her eyes on him, her beautiful blue eyes went from sky blue with a few clouds to as sapphire blue as the sea surrounding the Greek Isles.

It was pure, unadulterated love…it was magic. It was forbidden. For you see, no matter how strong and great their love, it was not allowed.

For the longest time they went back and forth about how they could make it work, but they couldn’t agree. At first Mathew said he’d leave, but Joan wouldn’t have it. Then Joan said she’d leave, but

Mathew wouldn’t have it. They couldn’t live without each other, but as long as they both stayed it would never be. They even thought that maybe they should just not tell anyone, but they both knew that wouldn’t work. People could already see the love between them; they would surly notice if it became anything more.

So as the two lovers could find no solution to their problem, they did the only thing they could think of: nothing. They resolved that even thought it physically and emotionally hurt them both, they’d wait to see what the future might bring. Maybe one day the rules would change, or the world would turn. Until such time, however, they had to find a way to exist together.

All they wanted was to love each other until the end of time, and they weren’t allowed. It is quite sad, but as I said before, this is no fairy tale…it’s reality.

And in reality, there are very rarely happy endings.

Heart and Torch:

Exhibition Featuring the Works of Rick Griffin

By Cynthia Romanowski

I

magine a huge biblical painting inspired by the Gospel of John 12:15. A Jesus-like figure is in the center riding a donkey. The brush strokes are prominent. The lettering at the top is so good it would make a tagger jealous. You look closer and notice a figure to the left of Jesus—is that guy wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt? Indeed he is. That’s what you get when you’re looking at one of artist Rick Griffins pieces. Right now at the Laguna Art Museum an exhibition entitled Heart and Torch: Rick Griffins Transcendence runs until Sept.

30 and is $8 for students. Rick Griffin was a surfer and a hippie turned born-again Christian who lived from 1944-1991. In many ways the exhibition chronicles his journey in these three stages of his life. It includes over 140 paintings, drawings, posters, album covers and artifacts.

Sponsored in part by Hurley and Surfer Magazine one of the things that really makes this exhibition stand out is the diversity of mediums. In one room there is a collection of large paintings with heavy religious influences. Another is filled with concert posters designed for the likes of Jimi Hendrix and the Grateful Dead in Griffin’s signature psychedelic style. Some posters feature recurring elements such as a blood-shot flying eyeball with dragon arms and legs carrying a skull (just to give you a taste). A smaller room is dedicated to his comics, which are simply pen and ink and ones featured in Zap Comics and Mad Magazine. Overall, Heart and Torch is the artist’s 1st major retrospective and solo museum exhibition and covers over 30 years of his work as a cult figure in 1960-‘70s counterculture. What this means for us is hours of relatively cheap entertainment and one of the few art exhibitions where you can literally walk out of the gallery and into one of the surf shops down the street and see Griffins’ designs printed on Hurley T-shirts.

Also if you’re a comic freak and you dig Griffins cartoons there’s another exhibit running at the Grand Central Art Gallery in Santa Ana featuring Basil Wolverton, that runs until Nov. 11th. His style is very similar to Griffins and Robert Crumb. Plus the gallery is conveniently located next to the Gypsy Den (an artsy fartsy eatery/coffee house) so take an afternoon and soak it up.

17 Septmeber 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Laguna Art Museum 307 Cliff Dr. Laguna Beach 92651 949-494-8971

www.lagunaartmuseum.org

Grand Central Art Gallery 125 N. Broadway Santa Ana 92707 714-567-7233

www.grandcentralartcenter.com

Photo Provided By www.myraltis.co.uk/ rickgriffin/index.htm

13

[Random Reviews]

e

Got something random to review or ! y something concise to review in a ran-

H

dom fashion? Send articles of 300 words or less to scarf@lbunion.com.

Hittin’ the Rainbow Strip

By Lindsey Louderback Now, I’ve done my fair share of Vegas romps, however this was the first with my gay friend Jeremy. Upon arriving we were immediately immersed in the scantily clad and brightly smiling sea of noise and lights. Determined this time around to rock the gay clubs, we set out to do it how it’s meant to be done. We bumped appropriate tunes on our smuggled-in boom box, donned our finest, pre-partied and prepared ourselves for the madness that lay ahead, and hailed the first of many cabs. We were lookin’ good, feelin’ better, and ready to rock as hard as we had at the huge in-casino clubs in the hyperactively illuminated kingdom of Lost Wages.

We trudged through the oceans of littered stripper flyers and escort advertisements lining the streets from one gay bar to the next, with each successive club compounding the shared

sense of disappointment. Where were the multi-million dollar productions? The sense of intensity and effort put in to “wowing” that Vegas is known for? Why are the homosexuals relegated to the back corner of town with four substandard bars to call their own?

All in all, my experience of Las Vegas from this new angle was anything but illuminating. If even 1/1000th of the money and energy put into hetero-oriented clubs were put towards the gay ones, the city could broaden its economic horizons even further. And fatten their already massivelyoverstuffed wallets. Hellllooooo…It’s called “disposable income,” CEO’s!

Youth Group Style

By Anonymous

Las Vegas was freakin’ awesome. I couldn’t say better things about it; it was an all out party-fest. I stayed at Circus Circus with my friends from some of the Christian clubs on campus (so now you might know who I am! Hi!).

On first impression we were very impressed by the multitudes of chapels, little Houses of God that dotted the boulevard. Circus Circus was sweet. We got that party started! We let the dogs out if you know what I mean.

We ate no less than a baker’s dozen pizzas and rocked the theme park that is Circus Circus. The rollercoasters were awesome, a high speed thrill like soaring through the sky on a cloud. I didn’t actually ride it (I am easily nauseated), but I enjoyed the atmosphere intensely.

Our youth pastor, Jim, said that Vegas actually does

represent some Christ-like virtues such as rejecting materialism, as money seems to lose its usual value, and prosperity to all, as even homeless people seemed to thrive in vast numbers. It was too bad that Jim was really sick the entire trip. He was puking every night, and he was so delirious in fever that he couldn’t complete a sentence. But he made a lot of friends—a new friend every night in fact. We all had a good time despite his unusual condition.

The rest of us made sure to make a special dedication by holding a lengthy reading and discussion on the word before bed at 9:45. It was a special time to grow with my friends and I would recommend it. Anyone can have a good time in Vegas.

The In-N-Out on Dean Martin Drive

By Jason Oppliger

I’ve never been to Vegas—The glitz-and-glamour, drink-martinis, lose-all-your-chips-in-a-tough-blackjack-session-and-pay-for-sex, Vegas. But, I’ve driven through Vegas many a time. And on my many a time drives on the 15 freeway toward Utah film festivals, and on trips back from Colorado ski excursions, I always stop at the best In-N-Out in the entire world. FACT: The best In N’ Out is located a quick jaunt off the freeway on the Tropicana exit.

Maybe it’s the delusional state of mind I am typically inhabited by after driving hundreds of miles without stopping across a barren desert, and possibly it involves the blinding hunger associated R E V I E W S with purposefully waiting to eat until reaching this hallowed eatery, but every time I eat there it’s like eating a doubledouble for the very first time. And my re-virgined taste buds applaud the moment in earnest.

The fries always have the perfect consistency, not overly soggy and yet avoiding the curse of too crisp. My number three has, without exception, correctly proportioned tomato. And when I ask for light onions, I actually receive light onions. The quality is perhaps due to what I’m sure is a constant demand of burgers from want-to-be-high-rollers seeking refuge from the insane hotel food prices resulting in an always-busy, and thus, always delicious product.

You can write for the Union Weekly!

Do you like the idea of seeing your name printed in 9.5 point, blurry, hard-to-read font? Misspelled?

Would you like to voice your opinion to tens of people?

How about filling your portfolio with articles that include words such as douchebag, strap-on and dirty-downunders?

Do you think you can write a better house ad than this?

Come be a part of the oldest alternative news publication on campus.

Visit our office on the second floor of the Student Union in the courtyard across from Elektric Hair.

14

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

17 September 2007

You’re STUCK Here! By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

[Comics] Sad Truth Comics By Princess Dragon Mom

Ask Father Holey

pabalohov@gmail.com Crayon Box By David Faulk thefaulkfather@msn.com

Koo-Koo & Luke By Jesse Blake

penguin.incarnate@gmail.com

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

17 September 2007

36- At the same time 40- Understanding 41- Roof overhangs 42- Expensive seating area 43- Domesticates 44- Sampled 46- Trample 48- Wearies 49- Ostentatious

50- Nuremberg trial defendant 52- Like some ears 55- Canoeing body 56- Exultation 57- Sidestep, circumvent 59- At any time 60- Expel 61- Grain stores 62- Repudiate 63- 9th letter of the Hebrew alphabet 64- Informs Down 1- Sturdy wool fiber 2- Malarial fever 3- Old female cat 4- Long, thin snake-like fish 5- Keep under restraint 6- Autocratic Russian rulers 7- Em, e.g.

8- Middle Eastern bread 9- JFK posting 10- Capable of being moved 11- Overhead 12- Goddess of tillage 13- Baby blues 22- Cereal grass 23- Cantor 25- Incline

26- Exclamation of acclaim 27- Bloodsucking parasitic arachnid 28- Tropical plant 29- Horse locks 30- Skills 32- Wash 33- Base of a statue 34- Sled 35- Second hand, took advantage of 37- Sordid 38- Compact by pounding 39- Otherwise 43- Tall 44- Bind 45- Take into custody 46- Remove hair 47- Memento 48- Molars, e.g.

49- Hill toy 50- Swerve sharply 51- Nuisance 53- Image of a deity 54- Capone’s nemesis 56- Obtained 58- Contend

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Easy

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20- Valued mineral 21- Main artery 23- Busy places 24- Assumed name 26- Valleys 27- Aptitude 29- Corn 31- Actress Chase 32- Insect stage 33- Sick “season”

Do you like Comics?

Send them to editor Victor Camba: victor@lbunion.com Or drop them off at the Union office Student Union Office 256a

Medium

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Drunken Penguin Presents... By James Kislingbury

Across 1- Stormed 6- Scotch, e.g.

10- Clublike weapon 14- Concur 15- Interview-wear 16- Comply 17- Culpability 18- Rectangular pier 19- Drill a hole

blake@funatronics.com

15

VOLUME 61

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

Man vs. Child Added to Discovery Channel’s Fall LineUp

Headlines

Soldier Finds Iraqis Easier to Kill Than He Initially Expected

Cirque Du Soleil To Attempt Johnny Cash Inspired Show

Walk the Line: Original act scrapped after being found too “my-kid-can-do-that.”

God Punishes Wrong NFL Player for DogFighting

God: “They all look the same to Me.”

Area Bum Looking For Love in All The Wrong Places

I AM ASIHOLE

See Definitely Not Legal page 10

ISSUE 3

See Muffster Diving page 4

6 Month Standoff Ends As National Guard Makes Like a Tree and Departs

By Earl Grey GRUNION DEMAGOGUE

On Thursday, the National Guard was ordered to immediately cease their blockade against a group of tree-sitters, thus ending an intense 6 month stand-off.

The conflict started last February when three protestors overtook a city-owned elm in a covert nighttime campaign. The elm in question was scheduled to be demolished the following day in order to make room for a casino/football field as part of a Whisper Canyon-wide development project. When the demolition crew arrived in the morning, they found the protestors had constructed a makeshift house atop the tree, complete with a rope ladder and a sign reading “No Girls Allowed.”

“Yes, these are, in fact, 4th graders we are dealing with, but it doesn’t matter” Lieutenant Richard Boyle said during a press conference back in mid-March, two days after the National Guard was called in to assist in what the Associated Press later coined as Rascal Watch 2k7, “We need to treat these delinquents as a real, imminent threat.”

The National Guard’s involvement became necessary when local police failed to remove the rabble-rousers from the tree after two weeks. The WCPD were apparently baffled by the activists’ schoolyard tactics.

“We just couldn’t break their lines” said Sherrif Chuck Chapman during an April taping of the Oprah Winfrey show, “they seemed to have a limitless supply of balloons filled with dog feces.” He also recalled them shouting “F-E-C-E-S, FECES ARE WHAT I KNOW BEST!,” a chant that was later found scrawled across the walls of Chapman’s home when his body was discovered, dead by a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

When the National Guard was brought in under Presidential orders, they immediately determined that the protestors had been communicating with agents on the outside via tin cans and string. Whisper Canyon was immediately placed under marshall law and all cans, string, and string-like items, as well as sling shots, stink bombs, and bleach-filled Super Soakers were confiscated.

Things got ugly when the activists, known only as Chewy, Goo, and Danny, began shouting obscenities and sticking their tongues out at troops on a daily basis.

Brian McMasters, national guard soldier and Jamba Juice assistant manager said via telephone, “It was late July, really hot. I remember the big ugly kid, the one who called himself Goo, kept on calling me a ‘crumbum.’ All day, man, ‘crumbum.’ They train you for that stuff, but I don’t know, it wears down on you after a while.”

After five months, it had become clear to Lt. Boyle that the tree-sitters were regularly receiving supplies. A “surge” was ordered in early August and 8,000 more soldiers were added to the standoff, raising the troop count to over 20,000, roughly 4 times the population of Whisper Canyon.

“We believe that the terrorists are receiving aid from Baxter Falls,” an exhausted looking Lt. Boyle said at a mid-August press conference, and called for those responsible to “show themselves” and “receive the punishment” of “God” and “The U.S. of Fucking A.” When Lt. Boyle was relieved of duty in late August, a gradual troop withdrawal was mapped out by U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Whisper Canyon City Councilwoman Cheryl Dadisman.

The withdrawal was completed on Thursday when the last remaining troops were led, under hail of X-Men action figures flung from the tree, in a single file line to Oakview Elementary where they were debriefed and choppered out of the town.

Witnesses later claimed that within fifteen minutes of the final troop withdrawal, three filthy children were seen jumping out of the treehouse at the sound of an ice cream truck traveling down Market Street.

The children were later spotted a block away munching on Choco-Tacos and Spider-Man bars with gumball eyes.

Area Addict “Goes There,” Brings Up Kids in Argument

I Just Don’t Know What To Think Anymore

By Skip Encarnacion GRUNION BLEEDING HEART

By Mrs. Sarah Wilkerson GRUNION GOOGLE IMAGES WHORE

Billy Sulfur, 32, totally “went there” Saturday night by bringing up the kids in an argument with his wife over his blatant addiction to cocaine, according to sources close to the Sulfur family.

The argument escalated after his wife, Pam, specifically told him not to “go there,” threatening a police intervention if her request was not met. But Billy did “go there,” shouting at his wife something along the lines of “Baby, just think of it as an investment for the kids,” said a neighbor.

Bystanders recalled hearing loud yelling after Sulfur returned home from work and parked his car diagonally across the front lawn, blaring Euro-trance at an elevated volume. Resident snoop and neglected grandmother May Bolton was distraught over the night’s actions.

“I’m pretty sure Pam was asking him not to go there,” said Bolton, “but he must have, because she started screaming and threw a toaster through the window.” A toaster was indeed found in the front lawn when Officer Tom Blake and Officer Blake John arrived at the scene.

“She definitely threw a toaster,” said Officer Blake, an African American, “and I’m pretty sure that just enraged Mr. Sulfur even further, because he ran out and started yelling racial slurs at me.”

“I told him not to go there,” said Blake’s white partner, Officer John, “but it was too late.”

Neighbors claimed to have seen the two police officers scuffling with an enraged Sulfur, who was apparently beaten mercilessly but kept on getting up for more.

“He just kept on falling down on his own. We acted in a manner according to standard police protocol” said a shifty-eyed Officer John, adding, “but even if we didn’t, he DID go there.”

“And he seemed like such a gentleman,” said Bolton, recalling the time Sulfur came over looking for shaving cream and a banana while in the nude.

I just don’t really know what to think anymore, honestly. I mean, did you see all those immigrants?

The ones standing outside of the Home Depot, the ones by Starbucks?

Well, it just seems insane. Not that I’m racist, but with the Terror Alert Level at “orange”...and did you hear what they said on CNN Newsroom about aluminum cans? They’re poisonous! I’ve been feeding my children poisoned chopped pears for years. Killing my own children for God’s sake! After all I’ve done!

With gas prices so high, I know that the homeless pot smokers from the city are just moments from invading my neighborhood and I just don’t feel safe.

And even if I didn’t just install backup locks and purchase another taser, is that going to protect me from standing pools of water, breeding grounds for the West Nile Virus? Or can those self-defense classes protect my family from Mad Cow and mercury-filled tuna?

It’s gotten to the point where patriotic citizens like me, those who have “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers on our vans, can’t even drive our sons to baseball practice without keeping our 12 gauge, pump-action loaded on the rack.

Things have just gotten out of hand. The bunker we have in the backyard can’t completely protect against the dirty bombs those Muslims are always exploding. And I.E.Ds? I’ve reinforced the bottom of my van with puncture resistant steel but that doesn’t mean Colby and Angela aren’t gonna catch a little shrapnel.

Honestly, times are just tough.

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