61.04

[Issue 61.3] “I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places.

Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality.”

-- H.A. Overstreet

I

grew up in a household where Stevie Wonder and Al Green graced the stereo on Saturday and Sunday afternoons.

Both of my parents are from Detroit, so I basically had no choice that Motown would form the basis of my very important and very impressionable first years of music. For this I am thankful.

Music was a large part of my life at an extremely young age, with my mom feeding me new music almost weekly, ranging from classical to the blues. Then I heard Run-D.M.C’s Down With The King. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was 1993, I was nine yearsold, and I was hooked on looped samples and shell-top Adidas.

I still remember when my mom looked the other way when I picked up a parental advisory copy of 2pac’s Me Against The World. “But mom, it’s got that great song about his mom, it really isn’t that bad.” And from that day on, I was finally allowed to choose my own music; and that was that. Almost every cent I didn’t spend on some ridiculous fad, I spent on cassettes and eventually CDs. This lead to the day everything changed for me (musically that is).

It was a perfect summer day in Huntington Beach, and I was sitting inside my dad’s apartment blasting Biggie’s Ready To Die at maximum volume. I think it was somewhere during “Gimme the Loot,” when my dad showed up almost two hours early from work.

What you must understand is that my pops was never really okay with my mom’s lax view on censorship.

So when he heard Biggie, I think something snapped.

I think it was that last, single thread of hope that I was still untainted and innocent.

“Turn that shit off! Stay here, I’ll be back in five minutes!”

My dad is pretty rad, so when I heard him speak like this I knew he was serious. I got off my ass, turned off Biggie, sat back on my bed, and awaited my impending doom. I had visions of belts and tears, but for God’s sake, I was like fourteen! There was no way that was going to happen; so what then?

When my dad returned his face was more serene,

and he had something in his hands, and it wasn’t that thick leather belt like I had envisioned. He then placed a collection of CDs next to me.

“If I ever hear you listening to that shit in this house again...This is real music.”

It was exactly like when William Miller in Almost Famous found his sister’s collection of rock vinyl. Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Moody Blues, you get the idea. In a matter of minutes, I went from Biggie to Robert Plant. And just like the first time I heard Run-D.M.C, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was 1998, I was fourteen years-old, and I was instantly hooked on screaming guitar riffs and ten-minute songs.

Since that day my musical preference has stayed the course my dad led me down, but I never lost my love for hip-hop; I’ve just been disappointed in where it’s gone.

I get it, people need something to dance to in clubs; but let’s be real here, most of that shit sucks. It’s ridiculous what people call hip-hop these days.

So when we discussed doing a hip-hop-centric feature here at the Union my eyes lit up. In the last two weeks I’ve listened to more hip-hop than I did in the last two years combined. I dug up old CDs that barely even play anymore, but everything felt new again: Gang Starr, Onyx, Nas, Jay-Z. What these last few weeks proved to me is that pigeonholing yourself into one musical genre is absolutely the worst thing you can do. Just listen to good music, no matter if it’s Rap, Rock, or Country.

Every genre of music has given us something special, but it’s up to you to find it. No longer is it acceptable for you to answer the question of what kind of music you listen to with, “Everything except (fill in the blank).” This just makes you look uneducated and narrow-minded. So dig deep Dino of the Week my friend, and during Ginger your search for musical enlightenment, when you find something that’s really special, please share.

–Ryan Kobane

Editor-In-Chief

Our Cover in the Making

Photographs By Ryan Kobane

Ryan Kobane Editor-in-Chief Erin Hickey Managing Editor Michael Pallotta Matt Dupree

Associate Editors Ryan Kobane Business Manager

ryan@lbunion.com erin@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com matt@lbunion.com

Vincent Girimonte News Director Kathy Miranda Opinion Editor Ryan ZumMallen Sports Editor Victor Camba Comics Editor Katie Reinman Creative Arts Editor Michaël Veremans Random Reviews Editor Earl Grey Grunion Editor Philip Vargas Literature Editor & PR Michael Pallotta Entertainment Editor Sean Boulger Music Editor & PR Ryan Kobane Photography Director Philip Vargas Illustration Editor Erin Hickey Michael Pallotta Copy Editors Vincent Girimonte Advertising Representative Steven Carey Graphic Design Chris Barrett Internet Caregiver

vince@lbunion.com kathy@lbunion.com zummy@lbunion.com victor@lbunion.com reinman@lbunion.com scarf@lbunion.com earlgrey@lbunion.com philip@lbunion.com beef@lbunion.com sean@lbunion.com

sales@lbunion.com steven@lbunion.com science@lbunion.com

Philip Vargas On-Campus Distribution Vincent Girimonte Off-Campus Distribution Chris Barrett, Andrew Wilson, Darren Davis, Jesse Blake, Christine Hodinh, Derek Crossley, Drew Evans, Christopher Troutman, Jason Oppliger, Cynthia Romanowski, James Kislingbury, Tessah Schoenrock, Rachel Rufrano, Kevin Jara, David Faulk, Paul Hovland, Sergio Ascencio, Brandi Perez, Cary Blockton, Allen Steiner, Ashley Marie Weis, Tommy Coleman, Jon Davis.

Contributors

Disclaimer and Publication Information

The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the writer, and are not necessarily the opinions of the Union Weekly, the ASI, or of CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. All outside submissions are due by Thursday, 5 PM to be considered for publishing the following week and become property of the Union Weekly.

Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters will be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but they must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

So what defines hip-hop? If it isn’t a set of turntables than I certainly don’t know what does. We thought about some dude, strutting his stuff down the street in full Adidas gear wheelin’ around an old-school boom box. But this required us to find a dude that owned a full Adidas jumpsuit, and for someone to still have said boom box. So we opted for the turntables. On a couple of Technics, “DJ Icy Ice” down at Stacks in Cerritos put on a one-man show for a couple of us that was absolutely insane. Thanks to him, and Stacks, we were able to create one of the most creative covers the Union has every put together. So if you find the feature useful, and you get the yearning for a couple of our recommendations, call up Stacks at (562)8098560, they probably have it, or check ‘em out at www.stacksvinyl.com.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

24 September 2007

Opinions

Political Temperature Taken in the Government Shadow

By Michaël Veremans

I

voted for? They can’t seem to get a thing done to get us out of this morass until a nod from someone in the background initiates the talk we’ve been waiting for for years.

It’s like working for nothing. The situation in Iraq was never the common will of America, it began unannounced and will end when whoever started it stops making money. All of the anti-war protestors thought they were making leeway in the fight for peace, having their voices heard in the spirit of the ‘60s, but no, they were just hitting their head against the wall of the White House while the people inside planned our next “democratic” move.

With elections coming up, drastic changes have been made, but for whom? All of the Democratic candidates, in the very least, have been promising a solution to Iraq, but the same thing happened during the Vietnam War era and an end didn’t come for years and years. In that case too, millions of protestors, coffins with American flags draped over them, and anti-war voting didn’t end the war, a president (or someone else high up) initiated the withdrawal without the help of Congress or the American people.

Was the war supposed to boost our economy? ‘Cause it hasn’t. It has only created more internal problems, as well as tarnishing our international reputation considerably.

It is clear that our best interests are not at heart. In a government of shady dealings and phantom leadership,

Random Reviews Editor

n recent news, top generals, namely U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Patraeus, have been saying that a troop withdrawal could happen some time soon.

Wait…the commander in Iraq was just speculating, not actually saying that anything would change. Since when did top military staff guess at the future of the military and, indeed, a whole other country? His statements reflect his apparent impotency in the matter. And if he doesn’t know what’s going on, who does? Is there no driver at the wheel here or are the decisions coming from somewhere else?

After these comments, the father-knows-best U.S. Senate in D.C. have condemned the liberal watch group MoveOn.org for their blatant criticism of General Patraeus and his lack of follow-through in an ad they placed in the New York Times. President Bush was quoted by the AP as saying the Democrats seem more worried about left-wing activists than they do about the U.S. military. Damn right they do, they should be caring about the voice of reason from the long-neglected left-wing. No one should ever be afraid of the military, they’re supposed to be working for us, defending our right to criticize this government, and not the right for the Republican Senators to pass some kind of modern day sedition act.

“The situation in Iraq could have definitely been better planned. However, I don’t believe it’s in our best interest to withdraw from Iraq.

If Iraq is volatile, how much better do you think they will become if we withdrew?”

-Thomas, 23, History

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

“It’s very sad that innocent lives are being caught between two completely different countries. Everyday I hear the same news with no resolution. Time and money is being wasted. The U.S. and Iraq are completely different—it’s very frustrating that we can’t accept that.”

“The U.S. had a great opportunity to help Iraq but I think the effort was halfassed. The U.S. allowed politics to get in the way and as a result, a lot of time and money was wasted.”

-Richard, 23, Environmental Policy

I, of course, support troop withdrawal from Iraq.

The problem is that the issue has been brought up before Congress dozens of times: countless bills to stop the extreme military deficit spending, bills that include deadlines for withdrawal and prevent further troops from being sent. All of these were either not passed or were vetoed by the president. Now we hear, as though through

who is to know what’s going on and whether our illcounted votes were for the government we have now, or thrown out into the streets like a ticker-tape parade for the illusion of democracy?

-Ursula, 21, Hotel Management

the grape vine, that there maybe less military presence in Iraq in the coming year. What happened to the democratic process? Where is the say of the representatives that we

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Dating is Confusing, Feelin’ Lucky to Be Single

By Ashley Marie Weis

stood me up because he’d been doing handstands in the snow all night and was too high. I couldn’t wait to introduce him to my grandmother (but not really).

I knew I had to stop it after a few weeks, but when I tried he got upset and threatened to show up at my house with a boom box John Cusack-style. I told him I’d call the cops. He left me alone after that for the most part.

Guy number two was 21 but half of the time he acted like he was two. When he wasn’t being a drunk he was throwing temper tantrums. Another gem. I’m convinced that guys three, four and five were only pretending to be interested. They had some potential too, which is probably why it never went anywhere.

Guys with winning qualities aren’t particularly attracted to me. Guy number six looked great on paper. The problem was that he knew he looked great on paper, thus making him an arrogant, self-consumed brat. He thought he was God’s gift to just about everyone. After several frustrating incidents and a whole lot of crap, I called him out on everything. That was by far one of my greatest moments.

Since then, I’ve been asked out and stood up about twenty times, and that’s really not an exaggeration. I still don’t know what dating is, and I’m even more irritated than I was when this all started. I’m single.

And in my opinion, that means I’m lucky.

Contributor Dating. It’s a word that has the ability to make me completely nervous, confused and irritated all at once, and is usually accompanied by stress and a gradual dislike for the other party. But the worst part? I’m not even sure I know what the term dating means anymore.

The definition is broad—a social appointment, engagement or occasion arranged beforehand with another person. For some this means several things—seeing a movie or having dinner. For others, it is a kind way of saying that you’re sleeping with several different people.

For me, dating is mostly nonexistent, as I have set the world record for being stood up. However, on occasion I have had the luck (if you can call it that) of meeting some strange individuals who further convinced me that the term dating has lost all meaning.

Allow me to explain.

It all began when I got dumped. Everyone I know kept giving me that same line—“The boys will be lining up around the block.” Note: anyone who says that to you is a liar. I saw no line.

Not even a short one. I was about to give up when I met a real gem. We’ll call him guy number one.

Guy number one was different. When he talked to me, he would use really big words incorrectly. His house smelled so strongly of cat pee that I swear he was saving it somewhere.

He had no direction in life. He was lazy. And one time, he

24 September 2007

Questions? Comments?

Illustration By Andrew Wilson

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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[Opinions] Point(counter)Point Tupac: Dead or Alive?

By Vince Girimonte

By Darren Davis

Purebred Poodle

Johnny-Come-Lately

The only thing deader than Tupac Shakur is the still, quivering air floating about after a Darren Davis joke, and even then, at least there is something humorous in a rapper supposedly faking his own crime scene to strengthen his career.

I’m overtly opposed to conspiracy theories, especially when the matter of faking death is proposed. Listen, the man was shot four times in the torso. I realize this is five less bullets than the nine taken by 50 Cent, but does Fifty not look like a man of bullet taking stock?

I understand ’Pac has managed to release some very popular albums (seven to be exact) in supposedly post mortem state, which is great. We landed on the moon thirty years ago, so we shouldn’t be mesmerized with studio magic any longer. Besides, there’ve been more impressive feats accomplished in the recording studios this past decade, exemplified beautifully by many of the acts performing at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Major props to the producer savvy enough to make Britney Spears’ voice sound completely smoke/dick free on her last track—a real floorfiller. Tupac’s “resurrection” has been only a minor miracle as far as technology is concerned, and far less impressive given the quality of music emanating from our stereos in recent years.

Illustration By Katie Reinman I’ll meet the conspiracy theorists halfway on the death-hype argument: if Tupac were still alive, comfortably tucked away in some Patagonian outhouse, he would easily have enough bling to make said outhouse visible from space. He’s dropped eleven albums from his grave and had four films released about his dangerous and unbelievably badass life. This may sound like the twisted scheme of an egomaniacal musician— that, or greedy friends and family capitalizing on a legend stricken down in his prime. It’s said that Tupac’s best friends rolled a blunt with his remains (truth speaking) after his funeral, smoking with their pal one last time before he rose to heaven. God only knows what kind of conversation went on while they were high, what ideas floated around the circle. You know how that goes. I’m sure it began something as a joke, but as their eyes became less and less red, plans started to formulate, another brilliant scheme likely born from a great smoke session.

The perpetuation of this ridiculous theory is only fueled by Tupac Nation, of which Darren is a card-carrying member and secretary extraordinaire. The man was great, I agree. Let him rest in peace.

Curing the Cure

Tupac is alive. No question. It is common knowledge that his “murder” was an elaborate hoax to give Mr. Shakur proper leeway to pursue his true passion: venture capitalism.

There are basically two schools of thought as to where Tupac may be at the current moment in time, and given the economic status quo, both theories have him being very, very stoked.

The first theory, heard as murmurings amongst a table of C.E.O.s and private investors at a Barack Obama benefit luncheon I recently attended, place him in China as a silent partner for a major black market DVD factory. Believers of this theory blame Tupac for the leaking of a number of major motion pictures to the Chinese public before the films’ respective US release dates. With the introduction of Blu-Ray and HD DVD into the market, Chinese-Capitalist Tupac is sure to make a shit-ton of money.

The second theory is much more abstract, but possible nonetheless.

I heard this theory through Suge Knight just over a year ago while we were cruising for bitches and smoking copious amounts of herb. According to Suge, Tupac had stumbled upon what he had called an “opportunity of all opportunities in the West Indies” and had to “get his ass out of the game” before said opportunity passed him by. Suge said he was then instructed to find Pac’s disgruntled twin, who had been receiving pay-offs from Pac to remain in Alaska and “mind his own biz,” and shoot him four times.

After Knight did what he was asked, Tupac “took the fuck off ” and never contacted his boys on the West Coast. However, Suge is convinced that Shakur successfully bought a huge tract of land and constructed his own village from the ground up. He then supposedly imported a population of Australian aborigines and created a selfcontained workers community, responsible only for the creation and distribution of the Pro-Active Acne Treatment, a formula he stole from some “breezies.”

So regardless of which theory is the correct one, Tupac is sure to be fat and happy as we speak. In fact, he is probably busy writing one of those posthumous records that come out every couple of years. It is only a matter of time until he once again reveals himself to the Western World. The only question that remains is whether he will return to us as a black-market mogul or the demi-god of a Caribean civilization.

Who Reigned Supreme?

Last week’s winner on ‘Boozing Whilst Losing’: Vincent Girimonte, Farrah Hair Extraodinaire

The Economy is Full, Literally

By Tommy Coleman

Illustration By Victor! Perfecto

Contributor As I sit here, lazy and eating a piece of cheesecake, I’ve realized something. Now, it’s not a terribly important realization, but an interesting one nonetheless. I realized that fat people fuel the American economy…in fact, without them there wouldn’t really be one. Because of overweight people, there’s a plethora of weight loss drugs and diets and home exercise equipment. Boflex, Atkins and Trim Spa come instantly to mind for me.

These aren’t products put on the market by philanthropists with the betterment of society in mind. They’re made by enterprising men and women intent on making a profit.

We also have medical procedures like liposuction and stomach stapling, which don’t come cheap. Liposuction can range anywhere from $1000-8000. Cosmetic surgeons are the ones who seem to benefit from fat people the most, but there are others who benefit from it as well. I’m speaking of the suppliers of medical equipment and those who dispose of medical waste. The fat sucked out of certain people needs to be taken somewhere and a doctor can’t just use a vacuum with a needle attached to it to remove it.

Speaking of doctors, let’s talk about psychologists. These doctors are undoubtedly well-paid with a large portion of their income coming from patients who are obese or those who at least think they are. There are fat people

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that seek psychiatric help to aid them in losing weight, something to do with curbing mental drives and what not. I also have in mind those who suffer from anorexia or bulimia. These are people who have diluted self images and view themselves as overweight and end up needing psychological help because their fear of fat has turned them into potentially unhealthy creatures.

It’s a well known fact that fat people love junk food—actually, there may not be as many fat people without it. Now, if this weren’t the case, Little Debbie and Hostess would be unemployed. These companies produce millions of snack cakes a year and an operation like that would require a large work force. They would need research and development people, truck drivers, packing people, etc. Fat people are ultimately

producing jobs that may not even exist otherwise. Plus, snack cakes usually come in plastic wrappers which need to be taken care of, so we have more garbage men working to take care of that. And since America is inundated with large and lazy people, trash and, by extension, pollution is a major concern for us. The effects of pollution are being researched by a ton of organizations and because of this, jobs are needed.

Essentially, fat people pay for almost everything in this country. They take care of the low-paid public worker to the private business owner and they even have government organizations under their wing.

Fat people fuel this economy. I say, grab a Twinkie and start contributing to society.

Questions? Comments?

Questions can be directed to: info@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

By Derek Crossley Union Staffer Okay, I’m just gonna come out and say it. I’m pro death. That’s right, I’m all about people getting killed in all kinds of interesting and uninteresting ways.

There are over 6.7 billion people on the planet. That’s a lot of people.

Too many if you ask me. And it’s just getting worse. Every day, every hour, every second, more people are born.

More babies come out screaming and sticky wanting to be fed and loved, and educated.

Let’s face it, these little parasites yearn to live free. They want to have some sort of life, preferably a happy and fulfilling one. Well, I’m sorry, we can’t do that for you anymore.

We are full.

A “No Vacancy” sign should be hung on the planet. We can’t handle anymore people. They say (the people that sit around and count the amount of orifices expelling waste and polluting our existence) that by 2050 there will be between nine and twelve billion people on the surface of the earth.

That’s a lot of people. Another three to six billion people, to be exact.

Think about how bad traffic is now on the 405 and the 10 and then imagine that number doubled.

Yeah, it would suck.

So what is the solution? How do we stop this from happening?

Murder.

Not outright murder, not going around the street shooting people. Not setting loose any chemical weapons or nuclear wars. (Not that I would have any real problem with either of those).

But maybe, just maybe, we can just stop saving people. Maybe we shouldn’t try to cure everything. Maybe we shouldn’t live to be a hundred. Maybe cancer exists for a reason.

Famine, plagues, stuff like that, it’s not just bad luck. It’s not the “gods” looking down and punishing people.

It’s the earth, it’s “Mother Nature” and “she” is pissed. Can you blame her? All we do is use up everything we see.

Let’s stop saving people. Let’s allow them to die. Let’s teach people to wear condoms. Let’s stop being pro-life.

Hell, I’m not even that in favor or prochoice. I’m pro-depopulation. And you can take that any way you want.

And of course, if I or someone I love is sick, I’d want them to get better.

No one likes watching people die, especially people we care about, but we have to start thinking big picture.

We have to stop worrying about ourselves and our families; we have to start worrying about the world. We have to worry about where people are going to live (whether it be under the sea, in the air, or on the moon), where the food is coming from, what to do with the waste.

Just think for a second about 6.7 billion people going to the bathroom everyday. Think about how much food you eat and how much trash you make.

Kinda sucks, huh?

Questions? Comments?

Derek Crossley can be reached at: derek@ lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

24 September 2007

News

NEWS You Don’t Know

Mean, Green Campus Foreseen

By Vincent Girimonte

W

News Director

e can only hope our education at CSULB is outweighing the environmental damage we inflict daily on our morning commute. Look for a parking spot at 9:00 am and you’ll know exactly what I’m hinting at. Who are we kidding, Arnold? As attractive as the notion of California “leading the way” in environmental awareness may be, it’s an entirely unfitting and ludicrous assumption. This is a state with absolutely zero comprehension of public transportation, for starters. There are intricate train systems across the globe connecting cities in a quick and timely manner; meanwhile, we continuously fail to recognize the benefits of a SF to LA fasttrain. No, we’re stuck in the middle ages with the diamond lane that’s usually vacant. It’s not like we don’t have enough time to think about improving transportation, either.

If you spent a fraction of your time stuck in LA traffic thinking about how great an efficient (sorry Metro) train system would be, you’d render your commute to work an absolute travesty.

We can, however, take a small dose of comfort in knowing that CSULB is doing something to offset this horrid pollution. We’ve been dubbed one of the more capable CSU’s in terms of energy conservation by Tim Ball, Associate Director of Facilities Management, and over the past ten years have maintained a goal to make CSULB among the nation’s best energy saving universities.

A key component of this success has been the Central Heating and Air Conditioning Plant’s Thermal Energy Storage system, which can save the campus 2.5 megawatt hours per day and 1,350,000 on-peak kilowatt hours annually, according to a report conducted

by Facilities Management. Perhaps the more daunting task is the university’s efforts to retrofit the campus’ ancient buildings, which

24 September 2007

is nearly complete after years of maintenance. Combined, and to put things into terms we can somewhat understand, these energy saving strategies conserve enough to power over 3,300 residential housing units in Southern California.

Brand new solar panels are now up and running atop Brotman Hall, covering for 90% of its daytime peak electrical demands. In addition, solar panels provide 75% of the Facilities Management and University Police power during peak periods. “These two installations represent the university’s combined efforts to fulfill the sustainable and renewable energy goals of the CSU,” Ball said in a press statement on Sept. 11th.

“It also represents the university’s responsibility to help satisfy the state’s electrical needs,” he added, referencing Governor Schwarzenegger’s ordinance that all state-run entities take bold steps towards renewable and clean energy.

CSULB has also made some great strides in their campus recycling efforts.

In 2006, 287 tons of scrap paper were reclaimed, roughly equivalent to 4,880 mature trees and over 130 tons more than recycled in 2002. Furthermore, massive increases in scrap metal, Illustration By James Kislingbury beverage containers, scrap wood, and green waste recycling have been calculated, each showing improvements of over 50 percent.

The campus buggies, seemingly intent on breaking your leg have now become part of the solution. Nearly half of the campus’ vehicles are now boasting zero emission motors, with all new vehicles now required to meet this standard upon purchase. Also, CSULB’s waterless urinal system is saving the Beach one million gallons of potable water each year, coinciding with the irrigation of North Campus running entirely on reclaimed water.

More recycling means less money spent on waste-hauling costs, which have dropped nearly $100,000 since 2001.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

But Should

By Chris Barrett Union Science Guy

Liberal Pushovers, Conservative Assholes Recent research by David Amodio of NYU offers some insight into a possible source of political partisanship.

The research had participants push a button when “M” came up on a screen and not push the button when “W” was shown. The experiment showed “M” more often to form a reflex to pushing the button. The participant’s brain was also wired up so activity in the part of the brain that mediates conflicts between habitual and appropriate responses was recorded. And the kicker, prior to the test each participant was asked how they rate themselves politically on a scale ranging from very liberal to very conservative.

The results of the study were that people who self-identify as liberals performed the test more accurately than those who self-identify as conservatives and were 4.9 times as likely to show brain activity regarding conflicts. This discrepancy in extra consideration happens to exactly predict an apparent difference in the two ideologies and the researchers say this may be at the root of liberals and conservatives not seeing eye-to-eye. The researchers didn’t speculate if this difference was the cause of liberals being flip-floppers or conservatives ascribing to untenable ideals, but I certainly just did.

Questions? Comments?

Chris Barrett can be contacted at science@lbunion.com Or comment online at www.lbunion.com

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Sports

Wrist Slap O’ The Week

Losing Rib Only Made Keller Stronger

By Sergio Ascencio

I

Man of Many Hats

f you’re scoring at home, Jeremy Keller is one-under while the rest of the Big West is at par—when it comes to ribs.

Keller (the lone senior on the golf team, better yet only upperclassman, better yet only dude on the team old enough to buy a 40oz) has not taken a swing for the 49ers since March of ‘05.

It was then that Keller learned he suffered from Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. The thoracic outlet is like the PCH traffic circle—a narrow junction of nerves and blood vessels transferring between the chest, neck and arm. A traffic jam in his left shoulder killed his game for the ‘06-‘07 season. He could barely pick up a club.

Keller would red-shirt last season hoping to rehab the injury naturally, consulting with “every specialist in the book.” Surgery was the last resort, going down on August 11 of this year. The procedure required the removal of the “first rib,” located near the collarbone to clear the pathway to the arm.

“It ain’t even for golf,” Keller said about the surgical procedure. “I wanted to play, of course, that was part of the reason I did it.

But the other reason, is quality of life.”

Thanks to his rehabilitation, he expects to return to the course at the Bill Cullum Invitational in Northridge, October 15-16.

But he doesn’t expect to be 100% until the

season resumes in the spring.

His well-being also means a healthy roster for coach and CSULB alumnus Bob Livingstone. Minus Keller, the roster is unproven. But there is no lacking in talent as the youngsters showed in their first two rounds at St. Mary’s Invitational at Pebble Beach. They eventually finished 12th out of 18 teams.

“We have a very passionate, young group and I am actually very excited for [the season],” coach Livingstone said.

Keller says it was good to hit rock bottom, because it has made him appreciate things more. He admits arriving in Long Beach with a stereotypical Vegas attitude in which he didn’t show compassion for others. What was once Kanye West-arrogance is now a Lupe Fiasco subtle swagger. His tone takes a humble change when the conversation shifts from his awards to the simplicity of playing the game of golf.

“I played once in the last year and a half,” he said. “And it was the best day that I had [during the injury].”

Keller admits he tried botox injections— to relax the muscle—changed his diet, and frequently saw a physical therapist and neurologist. Just about everything but a gypsy voodoo queen.

“His passion for the game and for the team shows by what he has gone through the last year and a half to play,” coach Livingstone said.

For blatantly cheating, Bill Belichick and the Patriots were fined a chunk of cash and forfeit a firstround draft pick. What the hell does that matter when you can get Randy Moss for a FOURTHround pick??? Straight up! The NFL makes no sense.

Over the summer, he took his rehab regiment back home to Keith Kleven Physical Therapy, a well-known Vegas therapist who has worked with athletes such as Tiger Woods, Mike Tyson and Greg Maddux.

Keller has even shot a few rounds on the greens with Maddux—both are members of the same country club. He said he admires how Maddux—who has an average physical appearance—can be dominant in a game where strength and speed are so important.

Despite his own “average” structure, coach Livingstone says that Keller’s golf game is powerball, a la Happy Gilmore—minus the running start and Boston Bruin hockey jersey.

He said that he has a great driver and is a powerful ball striker, but Photo: Russell Conroy he has room for improvement in Notice the improved range of motion. his putting game.

Keller says he now has a hunger for life, “I just know there was never a point [during the injury] where he was totally over as well as some authentic Mexican food. He’s [playing],” says Karl Katnik, a red-shirt soph- just as open to trying new Mexican food omore who has known Keller longer than spots as he was with different types of suranyone else on the team. “He could easily just gery. Sadly, though, he is not down to drive pack it in and just party and enjoy the rest of to Tijuana for some bomb tacos. Ironic, conthe year but he is out there practicing. Gotta sidering it’s only a short trip compared to how far he has already come along. give it to him for that.”

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6

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

24 September 2007

Magical Mystery Bore Review of Across The Universe

By Rachel Rufrano

T

he 1960s were a time of political turbulence and social change. During an era when the American youth were taking an active role in society, the characters in Across the Universe were doing, well, nothing. Unless you consider singing Beatles songs through a digital filter a la Zach Efron to be taking an active role, the film did little to address or confront any issues facing the generation. Although director Julie Taymor was true to her creative and eccentric style, it did nothing for the film except muddy the near nonexistent plot. Eventually, this visually stimulating two and a half hour MTV music video spiraled into obscurity. Across the Universe’s inadequate representation of a generation was the most over-indulgent movie you’ve already seen about the sixties and less.

Jim Sturgess, the cutest thing to rock the McCartney mullet since Sir Paul McCartney himself, plays Jude, a Liverpudlian with a creative streak who is in search of his American father. When his less than climactic union ends, he moves to New York with his spoiled friend Maxwell, a rebellious Princeton dropout who is sent to fight in the Vietnam War. Jude falls in love with Maxwell’s sister Lucy, played by flaxen beauty Evan Rachel Wood. Other one-dimensional characters include Sadie, a Janis Joplin-like singer and perhaps the most annoying woman anyone could ever encounter; JoJo, the back up guitarist who goes from acting

like Jimi Hendrix to Bill Withers in a matter of thirty minutes; and Prudence, the lesbian cheerleader who “came in through the bathroom window” and proceeded to lock herself in the closet. Trust me, she comes out of the closet.

She attempts to sleep with any woman named after a Beatles song shortly thereafter. The witticisms don’t end there—the entire film is infused with gimmicky puns that lend themselves to Beatles tunes.

For example, Maxwell is accused Photo Courtesy of Columbia Pictures Strawberry Crucifixions Forever, they died for your fruity sins. of beating his grandmother with a silver hammer (ha!) and an old man wonders why he’s still work- Raffi. The end scene couldn’t come too soon, but I’m sorry it ing the docks at the age of sixty-four (good one!). had to happen at all. In one of the most horribly cheesy end Beyond these disastrous puns were even more disastrous scenes I’ve ever seen, all the characters reunite on a New York song sequences played through far-fetched scenes in which lyr- rooftop (a reenactment of The Beatles’ last concert on the roof ics are manifested in oblique references. At no point does this of Apple Records in 1969) to sing, “All You Need is Love.”

For whatever reason this film was made—whether it was atmake more sense than when Jude sings “Something” to Lucy’s left nipple or when Lucy sings “If I Fell” with glazed-over and tempting to capitalize on the success of Cirque du Soleil’s Love distant eyes to Jude’s party-in-the-back. Bono, who plays Dr. or just to embarrass the most fondly coveted musical group of Robert, a Timothy Leary-inspired role, steals the film’s only all time—it failed to recreate the magic of the Beatles. My advice redeeming moment with his version of “I Am the Walrus.” I to anyone who was as subliminally brainwashed by the trailer as commend his ability to be the only performer who didn’t take I was is to buy an actual Beatles album and enjoy the absence of already perfect works of genius and degrade them to works of excessive camera panning and interpretive dance.

Reel News

I Want Someone to Watch This Movie With

The Kingdom

Review of I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With There’s something about Jeff Garlin’s I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With that is infectiously charming. Nothing, really, that’s particularly striking: writer/director Garlin plays James, a struggling Chicago actor still living at home. James doesn’t seem to worry about rent or food. Instead, he allows himself to mull over more pressing issues, like why his kind-of girlfriend dumps him or why his corner store doesn’t stock rice pudding.

Things aren’t going too well for James when we first meet him.

Snacking alone on the hood of his car late at night appears to be a regular occurrence, as does his knack for getting into awkward situations—explaining to children on career day how he needs to get laid, for example, or getting roped into serving hot dog samples in a pirate mask (to quote Ron Howard, “a clear-cut situation with a promise of comedy”).

Everyone seems to have a hand in his business, from his elderly mother to his coolly inquisitive neighbor to the store clerk who refuses to sell him any more food (a great turn by Dan Castellaneta). His professional contacts are severed, one after the other, first his agent and then his improv troupe, Second City, drop him; the casting agent that supposedly loves him doesn’t call for an audition when the remake of Marty rolls into town, and all he can do is eat ice cream.

Luckily for him, the ice cream is served by the presumably crazy Beth (Sarah Silverman), who in a mildly inappropriate turn of events takes James along with her to buy underwear and ends up having sex with him. Beth is unpredictable, abrupt, and outrageously out of James’ league, full of random bits of information (have you ever heard of a hoagie shack?) yet indescribably cute. She

24 September 2007

solves his problem of getting laid, but creates a whole slew of questions like, “why doesn’t she like me?” James is left to figure out what he’s really doing with himself, why he’s really still living with his mom and what he wants in a woman.

The best part of the movie is the dialogue—it’s so tangential at times, yet seems completely realistic. A scene spent discussing the virtues of pumpkin muffins doesn’t serve to further the plot at all; rather, it adds to Cheese’s comfortable feel. The entire movie has a homey, familiar touch to it, not unhelped by most of its cast’s relation to Chicago itself. Marla Garlin, Jeff ’s wife and the one responsible for casting The 40-Year-Old Virgin, cast Cheese as well, and she does a fine job here.

Bonnie Hunt as Stella, the career day teacher, turns out to be awkward and hilarious. Cheese is full of random off-the-wall characters, including Phyllis Smith (of The Office), who makes a great cameo as Marsha, the hostess of an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. There is some Chicago-centric humor, but a man of Garlin’s esteem is allowed some leeway, especially in his own movie.

James gets himself into delightfully embarrassing situations that are reminiscent of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but in the best way. Even some of Cheese’s music has the same quirky Curb feel and there is certainly a fair amount of tongue-in-cheek humor with which Garlin is familiar. It is well-suited. Despite its grammatical lapse, I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With is a sweet, fluky look at dating closer to midlife. Or maybe it’s the story of what could have happened to Jeff Garlin.

-By Christine Hodinh

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

R Universal Pictures The Kingdom is set on the shaky premise that there is violence in the middle east. Silly, I know. After a bombing, an ensemble of FBI agents are sent to Saudi Arabia. It stars Jamie Foxx (always a delight), Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper and Jason Bateman. This movie looks like it’s going to kick ass. Along with a bunch of terrorist pricks getting shot up, I’m going to put five bucks down that at some point Jeremy Piven gets punched right in the face. Any takers?

The Darjeeling Limited R Fox Searchlight Pictures

If The Darjeeling Limited turns out anything like the trailer, I am going to laugh, cry, and make a Nick Cave joke every time Jason “Francis Ford Coppola’s Nephew” Schwartzman appears on screen. Since it’s an Anderson movie there probably aren’t going to be too many surprises. This isn’t exactly a bad thing since the man delivers the goods every damn time. Plus, if you don’t see it, Owen Wilson might lose it again.

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I

f you put 20 hip-hop experts in a room and asked them to tell the story of their music, you’d hear 20 different stories (and they’d all be correct). Hip-hop in its essence is self-expression. But over the past ten years we’ve seen a huge paradigm shift in how people look at the music; and more importantly, how people make it. For our purposes, we’re starting our hip-hop timeline in the 1980s. Hip-hop was more than music: it was a culture. Hip-hop was a community of people outside normative society expressing themselves through art in an assertively unique way. But everything changed with

the rise of Gangsta rap. Los Angeles rappers such as Dr. Dre and Eazy-E, who had gone into recording as a way of avoiding the harsh street life they grew up in, found a very strong following from students at the many LA area colleges who idealized the gang warfare and drug-pushing aspects of this style of hip-hop. The immense financial response thrust hip-hop into the spotlight, and a very harsh coming-of-age period followed with critics stubbornly refusing to recognize the music and more than a few of America’s stodgier groups proclaiming hiphop as a public nuisance. But hip-hop and its

subgenres refused to yield (mostly), and now hip-hop stands as the reigning style in both popularity and sales. Unfortunately this awe-inspiring growth (as well-earned as it is) has invited some seriously wack acts to join the party, and the airwaves have been subsequently tarnished with bubble-gum rhymes and kindergarten-level beats. Certainly we can expect that tastes will change and that hip-hop is inevitably going to evolve, but is it too much to ask that it

evolve into something more artistic than catchy ringtones? With that in mind, here’s our tribute to some of the greats.We at the Union would never claim to have sufficient cred to do a “top 10” list of the greatest hiphop artists, but we do know plenty of hiphop artists that you should listen to. And if the more renowned MCs and DJs aren’t your style, we’ve included some lesser known (but equally amazing) artists that you should get your ears on and quick.

Best Rhymes...

It Was The

Jay Z

Grandmaster Flash

“Cause it’s all about money, ain’t a damn thing funny. You got to have a con in this land of milk and honey.”

What can you say about the first hip-hop artist to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame? The Barbados-born king of DJs brought us “The Message,” he brought us “White Lines,” and he coined many of the major techniques that DJs use today.

His work with the Furious Five (which included the legendary Melle Mel) stands with the early Sugarhill Gang recordings as the first to show the music industry that hip-hop could sell records on a national scale, which paved the way for countless artists to receive attention from major record labels.

Essential CD: The Message Key tracks: Scorpio, It's Nasty, The Message

Notorious B.I.G.

“Even if it ain’t sunny, hey I ain’t complainin’. I’m in the rain doing a buck 40 hydroplanin’.”

The Jiggaman is one of history’s most polarizing MCs—you either worship or despise him. While he’s been blamed for ushering in the era of big-money hustla rap and admitted in “Moment of Clarity” to dumbing down his lyrics, Sean Carter is undoubtedly an All-Time Top Ten MC candidate (he recites his rhymes from memory, for Chrissakes!!!). Reasonable Doubt was revolutionary—hands down— and Jigga has amassed a staggering collection of quotables in his decade-plus.

Using his MC status to capture the Def Jam Presidency, no one has capitalized on hip-hop’s potential more than Hova.

Essential CD: Reasonable Doubt Key tracks: Can't Knock The Hustle, Brooklyn's Finest, Feelin' It

“Birthdays was the worst days, now we sip champagne when we thirsty. Damn right I like the life I live, cause I went from negative to positive.”

The legacy that is The Notorious B.I.G. will continue to influence the hip-hop culture for years to come. Known as the “King of Brooklyn,” Biggie revolutionized east coast hip-hop and paved the way for future artists. His ability to express poignant stories over unforgettable beats is unparalleled. With each lyric carefully constructed and each beat perfectly harmonized, Biggie single handedly changed the face of how we viewed hiphop in the ’90s. Biggie opened our eyes to the truth and inspired change. Biggie’s style is raw and in your face, his music is untouchable and to this day, he stands as one of the most respected names in the hip-hop game.

Essential CD: Ready To Die Key tracks: Juicy, Things Done Changed, Warning

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of

2Pac

“When they ask me, ‘When will the violence cease?’

When your troops stop shootin’ niggas down in the streets!”

Tupac Shakur will go down in the annals of music history as both a posterboy for the Gangsta rap era and a cautionary tale for violence in the industry.

But what made Tupac into 2Pac was his talent for evoking emotion with words—which were often motivational, spiritual, and always powerful. No rapper has ever had Pac’s ability to touch people on a personal level, and he’s probably the nearest there’s been to a modern day Malcolm X. Pac’s legacy will be that of a promiscuous, violent rapper—rather than the hilarious, prophetic, ambitious visionary of positive change that we’ll remember him as.

Essential CD: Me Against The World Key tracks: Me Against The World, Temptations, Dear Mama

Nas

“Street’s disciple, my raps are trifle. I shoot slugs from my brain just like a rifle. Stampede the stage, I leave the microphone split. Play Mr. Tuffy while I’m on some Pretty Tone shit.

Verbal assassin, my architect pleases. When I was twelve, I went to hell for snuffin’ Jesus.”

It only took one verse for everyone to realize that Nas was way ahead of the game at age twenty. Fifteen years later and Illmatic is still one of hip-hop’s benchmarks to which all others are measured against. Hailing from Queensbridge, NYC, Nas had a lot to live up to, but his poetic style and profound lyrics instantly vaulted him into hip-hop’s upper echelon. If nothing else, Nas is one of the only artists to appeal to nearly every sect that rap has ever seen, and if someone has anything disparaging to say about him, well, they’re just haters.

Essential CD: Illmatic Key tracks: NY State Of Mind, Represent, One Love

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

Rakim

“I ain’t no joke, I used to make the mic smoke. Now I slam it on the ground to make sure it’s broke.”

During the pioneer days of hip-hop, when DJs were the stars and MCs just started to get some recognition, Rakim took some for himself. Along with DJ Eric B, the two made a hip-hop classic with their debut album Paid in Full. Rakim was known for using, abstract concepts with a rapid flow along with a stern, serious look to back it up. He made infamous tracks such as “Paid in Full,” “Microphone Fiend,” and “Don’t Sweat the Technique.” He is one of the first MCs to follow the teachings of the Nation of Gods and Earths, earning the title “God MC” and, without question, a spot in the “Hip-Hop Hall of Fame.”

Essential CD: Paid In Full Key tracks: Paid In Full, I Ain't No Joke, I Know You Got Soul

24 September 2007

Planet Asia

“The capacity of my writtens make niggaz look mindless. In Mortal Kombat, I leave a challenger spineless.”

Comin’ straight outta Fresno, Asia’s been a pulsing blip on the underground radar for years after releasing a shit-ton of dope mixtapes, and the gritty MC has made it his duty to breathe life back into the West Coast. Think of him as a California version of Big L. Label bullshit has kept him from putting his talents into a polished album worthy of his potential, but he came real close with the independently released The Grand Opening.

Essential CD: The Grand Opening Key tracks: 16 Bars of Death, Upside Down, Real Niggaz

Talib Kweli

“I speak in schools a lot ‘cuz they say I’m intelligent. No! It’s ‘cuz I’m dope, if I was wack I’d be irrelevant.”

Talib Kweli is no secret by now—after ten years as one of hip-hop’s most respected MCs and two certified classics (Blackstar and Train of Thought), his battle-rap style and do-for-self message have made him a prime example of the right way to handle the game. There might not be another rapper that forces you to think so hard. Eardrum—the first release on Kweli’s new Blacksmith label—recently debuted at #2 on the Billboard charts, by far his most commercially successful release.

Essential CD: Quality Key tracks: Get By, The Proud, Good To You

MF Doom

“The day I took my mask off my face was missing for two days.”

The only thing that MF Doom (aka Viktor Vaughn, Metal Fingers, King Geedorah, etc.) is better at than rapping is choosing collaborators. In 2004, he teamed up with DJ-extraordinaire, Madlib to create Madvillainy and in 2005, he and Danger Mouse (of Grey Album fame) joined forces as Danger Doom and brought us the beyond brilliant album, The Mouse and the Mask. His albums tend to be littered with comic book and cartoon references, but what do you expect from a man who wears a Dr. Doom mask?

Essential CD: Mm...Food Key tracks: Potholderz, Beef Rap, Kookiez

Mos Def

“I ain’t no perfect man, I’m tryin’ to do the best that I can, with what it is I have.”

Brooklyn was still reeling from Biggie’s untimely death when Mos Def dropped Black On Both Sides in 1999, immediately pegging him as the next savior of hip-hop. Mos combined incredible timing and rhythm with socially and historically deep rhymes in the scientific mold of Rakim and Nas. The multi-talented Mos has garnered appreciation the world over for his acting and poetry, but hip-hop remains his focus. Despite the lackluster reaction his other two solo efforts produced, no one has done more to bring attention to societal wrongs with both his rhymes and activism.

Essential CD: Black On Both Sides Key tracks: Ms. Fat Booty, Umi Says, Mathematics

Spank Rock

“It took me lightly like the quiet boosting of a piece of candy from your favorite corner store.”

If you've ever needed proof that hip-hop beats can be as complex or masterful as prog rock odysseys, Spank Rock is the smoking gun. These guys weave sound layers into tapestries, and then throw party rhymes over top of it. After all, where better than a party to demonstrate your discerning taste in rhythms. This is the sublime and the banal sharing a blunt.

Essential CD: YoYoYoYoYo Key tracks: What It Look Like, Rick Rubin, Bump

Doseone

Aesop Rock

“…cursed version of a certain Virgin Mary womb occupant.”

Why? Because how many times do you hear references to Lewis Carrol in rhyme? Because he writes rhymes devoid of all the “hiphophibbytothehiphiphop” in favor of things like assonance and alliteration, using complex rhythms and labyrinth-like metaphors to convey a Salvador Dali-vision of hip-hop heaven. A disciple of Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, and Kool Keith, Aesop explores the seedy corners of hiphop, and what could be more underground? And seriously, he’s the only one out putting it down on the Hebrew style.

Essential CD: Float Key tracks: Big Bang, The Mayor And The Cook, Oxygen Never has a man so perfectly turned beatmaking into art. J. Dilla—aka JayDee—is probably responsible for half of the beats to ever make your head nod. Dilla shaped the sounds of A Tribe Called Quest, Pharcyde, De La Soul, Slum Village and every other neo-soul “The hole in his stomach tastes like words, he hip-hop artist you’ve ever heard. A rare blood disease dreams and imagines his face like hers. He stopped Dilla’s life short at just 32 years in 2006, but not knows he can’t live without his greatest fears, before the musical genius had created sonic masterpieces and nothing’s more beautiful than a woman’s merging hip-hop and soul like never before. tears.”

Essential CD: The Shining Buck 65 is hip-hop for people who also have Key tracks: E=MC2, Over The a thing for Johnny Cash and Charles Bukowski.

Breaks, Love Movin’ The Canadian MC rocks a harsh gravelly voice, a slightly filthy sense of humor, and a beautiful appreciation of everyday life.

Also an accomplished turntablist and almost-was pro baseball player, Buck relies on storytelling and original background recordings just as much as spinning records and spitting verse.

Combined with the intensely personal nature of most of his material, it’s hard not to love his dogged everyman determination.

Essential CD: Secret House Against The World Key tracks: Drawing Curtains, Blanc Bec, Corrugated Tin Façade

J. Dilla

“And they say kids your age should be reaching for the streetlights, while banking on their reproductive organs and the work week’s guiding light.”

Doseone is macho rapper kryptonite. He raps quickly with his unfortunately nasal voice and he prefers rapping about gravity and dreams to rapping about bitches and money. Despite all of this (and almost-constant rumors about his sexuality), he routinely destroys mean-mugging MCs in battles. Dose is a primary component in the early Anticon records stuff and remains one of the most outlandishly innovative lyricists due to his work with 13 & God, Peeping Tom, Subtle, and Deep Puddle Dynamics.

Essential CD: A Taste Of Rain... Why Kneel Key tracks: The Candle, I Am Hip Hop, Where The Wild Things Are

Buck 65

24 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

9

Photos by Bill Roberts

Rilo Kiley

Santa Monica Civic Auditorium Santa Monica

$22.50

Doors at 8pm Monday, October 15th

Yeah, we all know that Rilo Kiley’s newest album is really crappy, but you should go check them out anyway. Jenny Lewis is the straight man’s Conor Oberst, and she doesn’t whine quite so much as she belts. Mediocre CD or not, the Kiley puts on a damn good show. The Blake/Jenny dynamic is always a winning thing. Also, Jenny Lewis is really hot.

CAUTION: Live Animals I

Review by Drew Evans

Patrick Wolf

El Rey Theatre Hollywood

$19

Doors at 8pm Tuesday, October 16th

Is he gay? Is he straight? Does it matter? Patrick Wolf will put you in the magic position (that’s the name of his latest record—get it?!) if you go see his show, which I’ve heard is quite amazing. Vaudevillian exploits and baroque instrumentation are a treat for all—maybe throw some go-go dancers into the mix, just because you can. Hell, maybe I’ll even go, and you can say hello to me when you’re there.

The Velvet Teen

The Troubadour West Hollywood

$11

Doors at 8pm Thursday, October 18th

All you need to know about these guys is that occasionally Chris Walla produces them, and that makes their music astounding. Even if it’s kind of crappy…it’s still astounding. Fresh off a tour opening for Minus the Bear, these guys won’t disappoint. And if they do, just throw some stuff at them.

Silversun Pickups

The Wiltern LG Los Angeles

$25

Doors at 8.30pm Saturday, October 20th

Nobody has risen to the top of the indie step-ladder faster than Silversun Pickups. I remember seeing them at the Troubadour for like $12 all the way back in…November. Now they’re playing the Wiltern and for double what I paid, you can go see them, and maybe even be close enough to enjoy the show. So go! What are you waiting for?

10

t’s an objective, demonstrable fact that fall is the best season. Some people will tell you they like summer best. These people are jerks, generally vapid and not worth associating with. Others will tell you spring, but they’re either confused or posing, and either way far less aesthetically refined than a lover of fall (and truth) like you or I. Nobody likes winter best. So either you (like me) get excited as hell when the days start getting shorter, at the first sign of drizzle, at the first hint of burning in the air, and at the first chance to wear a sweater out at night—or you’re an asshole, a liar, or a nobody. I’m not writing for assholes, liars, or nobodies.

I’m writing for you, autumn aficionado, and I’m writing to tell you that there might not be a better place in LA to watch a show in the fall than the Henry Fonda Theater. First off, there’s the fact that taking the Metro rail blue line to the red line will drop you off just a block from the venue. Not only will this save you on parking and shave an hour each way from your commute, but there aren’t many So-Cal sights more beautiful than taking the blue line and watching dusk unfold over LA’s suburban sprawl. Next is the location: the Fonda is just a few short blocks from Amoeba and surrounded by streets perfect for walking aimlessly on a glowing-orange night. But most importantly, there’s the second-floor veranda, beautifully decorated and elegantly lit. The drinks aren’t cheap, but not much compares to having a pre-show drink there on a chilly night. So what if the view is of some strip malls and a tire shop? On a crisp autumn night it’s hard not to feel on top of the world there. The mood couldn’t be more perfect to take in a show. At least that’s how I felt on Tuesday night.

After tearing myself away from the crowd upstairs, I entered the Fonda’s main room just in time to catch opener Eric Copeland. Better known as one third of the Brooklyn outfit Black Dice, Copeland performed solo from behind a small rig of boxes and buttons, orchestrating droning symphonies of noise cold and abrasive enough to perfectly suit the change in the weather. Copeland’s short set was followed by Seattle band Wizard Prison. The duo came out dressed in full Wizard garb, and played their electro/ambient/ dub/whatever from behind a giant white sheet, onto which were projected videos of flames and leaves blowing and general semi-dark could-be screen saver fare. I’m next to certain the band were completely in earnest, remaining silent and making attempts at foreboding gestures throughout; the effect amounted to nothing more than a good laugh. A bummer, because at a few points the band hinted at Sunn O)))-like transcendence, only to devolve back into underwhelming beats drowned out by their ridiculous presentation. An interesting concept, but still just half-baked.

Animal Collective, like you and I, know exactly how good a night like Tuesday night feels. After a painfully long break, made slightly more bearable by some brilliant DJ’s set of gem after gem of ‘60s and ‘70s psych, the band took the stage to a full house of smiling faces. They started modestly, with a slower new song, but by the end of “Peacebone,” the first single from their latest offering, Strawberry Jam, the entire crowd was moving. From then on the night was

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

a celebration, a victory lap for a band at the height of their creative power. The band’s current lineup finds lead singer Avey Tare sticking mainly to vocal duties, with Geologist and Panda Bear behind massive rigs of keyboards and samplers. The near-complete lack of live instrumentation left little to watch, but the band’s setlist indicated that the focus was in the audience, not on the stage. During the performance, giant multicolored lights arranged behind the band flashed to the beat, lending to the concert’s atmosphere of bona-fide bliss-out.

Animal Collective are known to focus completely on unreleased material during their live performances, but by the end of the night the band had run through almost the entirety of Strawberry Jam. Though this left some of the purists in the audience disappointed, it seemed fitting with the celebratory nature of the evening. These guys are far from being pop stars in the real world, but they sounded like nothing less that evening. Not only do the songs from Jam explode with pop perfection, the band worked new, high-octane arrangements of old favorites like “Leaf House” and “Who Could Win a Rabbit” into the set as well. The energy in the venue was running so high by the end of the night that the band forewent an encore, opting to remain on stage and keep the moment alive. The band ended with an extended version “Fireworks,” the emotional centerpiece of both Jam and the night. The grin never left my face. Providing a fitting soundtrack to the first real night of fall is no short order, but Animal Collective proved that, like you and I, they know something about the best three months of the year, and about the unadulterated joy it stands for.

Here’s to a glorious fall, bros.

You want more music?

Then get your sweet ass over to the online music section, and enjoy yourself at our expense! www.lbunion.com

24 September 2007

Reviews o’ the Week!

Iron & Wine

The Shout Out Louds Our Ill Wills Merge

7.0

After what has seemed like forever (four friggin’ years), Swedish rockers The Shout Out Louds have done it again with a sophomore release that is nothing short of fantastic. This album’s sound is quite a bit more poppy in comparison to the bands first release; the instrumentals have improved, the vocals are softer, and the lyrics are both more poignant and more honest.

Our Ill Wills was produced by Bjorn (of Peter Bjorn & John fame) and his influence is undeniable. The same type of rhythm found on Peter Bjorn & John’s Writer’s Block is seen throughout the entire album, but even so, the album never feels overproduced and makes for some very enjoyable music.

Our Ill Wills is probably one of the best driving album I have heard in a long time. This record sounds like it will be a grower, but I am loving it already. If you don’t know whether or not you should buy this album, one listen to the track “Tonight I Have to Leave It,” which is all over the web, should give you a good idea as to whether or not this is your type of music. The thing about The Shout Out Louds is that you either love their stuff or you think it’s mediocre. In my opinion (and for the moment, mine’s the one that matters) the CD as a whole sounds really good.

Every track has its place on the album, and while there are certain songs I find myself listening to more than others, every song is great. “You Are Dreaming” is another song that utilizes the bands intense use of rhythm to drive it, “Impossible” combines great rhythm with great lyrics, and “Normandy” is another song that just works well with the band’s unique sound. If you have about $15 to blow, you might consider giving it to me, and if you don’t feel like giving me your money, you should obviously consider picking up this album.

-By Allan Steiner

The Shepherd’s Dog Sub Pop

8.6

When Sam Beam released Woman King, fans of Iron & Wine released a collective gasp upon hearing the new instrumentation and the darker tone that was implemented. By far his strongest piece of work, Woman King showed a new, dark direction…one that included (holy shit!) electric guitars and the “eff ” word. I don’t know how many I speak for when I say this, but I was certainly waiting with bated breath for Iron & Wine’s next album, hoping that Mr. Beam would continue down his darker path, continuing to explore dense lyrical territory and further enriching his already beautiful instrumental tendencies. With The Shepherd’s Dog, Iron & Wine’s newest release on Sub Pop, I got most of what I wanted, but despite the fact that my wishes weren’t completely granted, I was still rewarded with one of the better albums Records I’ve heard so far Polyvinyl this year.

The Shepherd’s Dog begins with the one-two punch of “Pagan Angels and a Borrowed Car” and “White Toothed Man,” two songs that both explore completely different, but equally new musical territory for Beam. “White Toothed Man” is a richly layered piece that is centered around the sitar, reminiscent of some of the Beatles’ later songs. The musical trend continues throughout, and though Beam has continued his musical improvement, leaning more in the direction of denser, more eclectic arrangements, the overall feel of the album is significantly lighter than that of Woman King. Allowing influences from around the world to take over, Beam explores territory that is at both uplifting (“Lovesong of the Buzzard”) and haunting (“Carousel,” “Resurrection Fern”). They can’t all be winners, however, as “Innocent Bones” and “The Devil Never Sleeps” are easily skipped, the latter coming off as an annoying attempt at a Chicago Blues piano rocker. The good songs, however, are easily some of Beam’s best: “Carousel” is a haunting piece of electric beauty with processed vocals (an interesting move for the usually rootsy Beam), and “House by the Sea” is a piece of kinetic beauty, and for the most part, the rest of the album follows suit.

-By Sean Boulger

Kanye West Graduation Roc-A-Fella

6.7

Sure, he whines in the press. And maybe he does seem a tad bitter about his lack of awards. And we all know how angry he was when he found out Justin Timberlake got to perform on a real-life stage at the MTV VMA’s. But Kanye West has once again proven that he is worthy of praise with his third release Graduation.

I was surprised that “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” was the first single, because there are several other tracks on the album that are a bit more original. This song seems like another one of West’s “this is who I am and where I came from” anthems. Don’t get me wrong—he’s a talented artist who deserves fame and respect, but he does seem to write a lot of songs that lyrically sound the same. Nevertheless, this is a pretty decent song.

If you’re a fan of Daft Punk, you’ll either end up completely insulted or really excited to hear the third track “Stronger,” where West samples Daft’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.” My initial reaction was “Who does he think he is?” But the more I listen, the more it grows on me. However, it also makes me want to listen to Daft Punk, which probably wasn’t the response West was looking for.

He slows it down on the album’s tenth track “Everything I Am,” which features samples from Public Enemy. It’s another track where West raps about, well, himself rapping. And even though this is a reoccurring theme in most of his songs, it works. “People talk shit, but when shit hits the fan, everything I’m not made me everything I am,” is pretty damn catchy.

Every track on the album is capable of standing on its own. And it sold almost a million copies in its first week, and has also topped 50 Cent’s Curtis so I can’t be that wrong, can I?

-By Ashley Weis

Daily Specials

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3pm-7pm

Monday: $2.00 fish tacos, $2.00 Bratwurst, $9.95 Chicken & Rib Dinner Tuesday: $5.95 Half Chicken with 2 Sides Wednesday: $7.95 Meatloaf with Vegetables & Potatoes Thursday: $10.95 BBQ Rib Dinner with Baked Beans & Cole Slaw Thursday and Fridays are College Nights!

JOIN US FOR NFL and NCAA Football ACTION! Bloody Marys & Irish Coffee

140 Main Street • Seal Beach • (562) 430-0631 BREAKFAST LUNCH DINNER 24 September 2007

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

11

An Abundance of Katherines

By John Green Dutton Books 256 Pages $16.99

By Garth Ennis

Reviewed by Kathleen Rodil

Vertigo 200 Pages $14.99 Reviewed by Christina Duenas

W

hy buy a comic called Preacher with a picture of a reverend on the cover? Simple. Because it is twisted, ridiculously entertaining and I love it! Preacher is a Vertigo comic created by writer Garth Ennis and artist Steve Dillon, both of whom are beyond talented.

The complete Preacher collection includes nine volumes and is an incredible set to own.

Preacher: Gone to Texas introduces the reader to the Reverend Jesse Custer. Jesse is a reverend who is beginning to lose faith in God and in humanity, so he does what any good reverend would do: he turns to alcohol. As Jesse is about to give a sermon, a flying, burning entity comes from the sky and into the church, striking him.

The story gets more interesting as we see what effect this entity has on Jesse and what this entity really is.

Have you ever met a girl who endlessly wonders what went wrong in a relationship she felt was so right? Why he left? Why he never called? Well, Tulip is that girl. She is a character who is vulnerable at times, yet very strong and

12

fierce. Oh, and watch out! She has a gun and is not afraid to use it.

The comic relief mainly comes from Cassidy.

He is witty, funny, and a vampire. However, he is not the typical romanticized version of a vampire.

He is a real person with real feelings.

Preacher does not shove Christianity in your face. Instead, we get a creative view of heaven, the beings that reside there and the conflicts that arise when a sin occurs. Regardless of what religion a person might be, Preacher is a well made, kick-ass comic that deserves to be read.

Preacher: Gone to Texas is a story about lost love, new found friendships, and the search for the truth. Preacher does not disappoint the reader; the story gets better with every volume.

The cover of Gone to Texas displays a quote from Kevin Smith saying reading Preacher is “More fun than going to the movies.” And with crappy movies coming out left and right, this is certainly the case. Word is that HBO is going to adapt Preacher for television. This will certainly and hopefully be the craziest, most insane show on cable. I’ll be waiting.

John Green’s novel An Abundance of Katherines puts a mathematical twist on love, relationships, and the journey to find oneself (without the schizophrenia like in A Beautiful Mind). I found out about the book from a blog I watched on YouTube that was done by the author.

I was both entertained and intrigued by the book’s use of math in relation to emotional relationships. Usually when I find books with math inside of them, I go temporarily insane and die a little inside.

Colin Singleton is a washed up child prodigy. He was “gifted” at age 4, but now he’s just “smart” at 18. Now in his teens, he decides that there has to be more to life than language and anagrams. After his girlfriend breaks up with him, he decides to find out what is missing in his life. He goes on a road trip with his best friend, Hassan, to find himself and eventually ends up in Gutshot, Tennessee. He finds amazing people that are different and more welcoming than the ones he is used to back in the city. Lindsey Lee Wells is one of the people he develops a connection with in Gutshot. During his stay, he decides to develop a formula that is able to predict how a relationship will lead—an equation that can determine who will break up with whom and how long the relationship will last. Like most guys, he has a type of girl that he is into.

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

All nineteen of his girlfriends have been named Katherine. Never Catherine, Kathy, or Kate, always K-A-T-H-E-R-IN-E. Colin is hurt and depressed through most of the novel, but his wit never ceases.

Katherines has the best combination of friends, family, heartbreak, and college level Calculus.

An Abundance of Katherines is an absorbing novel and one of the best that I have read so far. Green puts a lot of bite and wit into his books and Katherines is no exception. The angst of a teenager is nothing new, but Green’s dry and deadpan humor makes it easier to enjoy. Nerds need love too. That’s no lie. It is better to take a lesson in love from someone with intelligent talent, rather than from a typical Orange County teen cliché: rich and pretty. Everyone goes through the same pain as everyone else, but how they deal with it makes them who they are.

24 September 2007

The World’s Largest Photograph

T

he world’s largest photograph is on display now through Sept. 29th at the Pasadena Art Center’s South Campus.

The photo is three stories high and 11 stories wide and was produced in a F-18 jet hangar at the El Toro airport which was transformed into an enormous camera obscura—the largest camera ever made.

The exhibit, is in the Art Center’s Wind Tunnel with dim lighting that slowly brightens to reveal the massive landscape that is captured by The Great Picture. The goal of the lighting is to recreate the experience that the photographers had while working inside the camera which was pitch black.

At a lecture and reception for the great picture last Thursday all six photographers agreed that the 35 minute expose time was a truly zen-like experience. For the last five minutes they all agreed to sit in silence, alone in the dark, in their gigantic camera hoping that all their hard work would eventually develop.

And luckily it did. But not without hundreds of volunteers and business

sponsors, 400 pounds of muslin imported from Germany, 600 gallons of black and white developer, and 1,200 gallons of fixer for developing, just to name a few.

But there’s a lot more to the photo than “Wow that’s big.” The photo itself is a panoramic view of a portion of the Marine Corps Air Station El Toro which will soon become part of the Orange County Great Park. Amidst all the political controversy over deciding what do to with El Toro, the photo really represents a turning point in Orange County history. On a larger scale it’s also a statement about the evolution of the photographic medium. In a world where you can shoot hundreds of digital images with a camera or even your cell phone these guys did the opposite and went all the way back to the camera obscura which Da Vinci was sketching centuries ago.

“We had one photo to make,” said one of the photographers, “and one chance to make it.” Two Guinness Book world records later and I guess it’s safe to say they did it; they most definitely did.

Migration Patterns

By Jon Davis

Words are butterflies on her lips that float and dance across the air, perch on my eardrums and whisper soft, beautiful nothingness.

Monarchs that never migrate away as long as they may gather in the glided cage beneath my ribs.

Fluttering delicate, too many to count— speak, Love, again to me so that I may be carried away on their wings.

Warmth

Creative Arts

By Cynthia Romanowski

Illustrations By Katie Reinman

By Jon Davis

Park bench beneath sunset colored tree on a windy autumn day, shall we become acquainted?

Your old man is home, wrapped in blue flannel, and his pigeons all huddled in their closely woven nests Long Beach Union Sept 4 & 10 for warmth.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

13

9

MAKING APUSHFOR

Slater Wins Boost Mobile Pro, Jumps To #2

Early Rounds Summary of the Boost Mobile Pro Presented by Hurley 2007

Words & Photos by Kevin Jara

The early rounds of the competition saw some amazing waves and even more amazing upsets. Wildcards Dane Reynolds from Ventura, CA and Jordy Smith from Durban, South Africa, both of whom have already qualified for next year’s world tour, took down some big names. Reynolds took out current world number two Taj Burrow in round two and current points-leader Mick Fanning in round three en route to an equal ninth finish. Not to be outdone by his young friend, Smith took down world number five Joel Parkinson and three time world champion Andy Irons in rounds two and three respectively. “Yeah it was good to see Dane win, he’s a good friend. I thought I might as well match him, so I did. Andy is a very tough competitor. He looks scary out there. He has absolutely no nerves and he just waits for the best waves each time and usually gets them. I guess I just got the better ones this time,” said Smith after his win over Irons. This caused some serious drama in the world title chase with all but one (Kelly Slater) from the tour’s top ten out of the competition before round four even began.

Quarterfinal #1 Quarterfinal #2 Quarterfinal #4 Pancho Sullivan (HAW) vs.

Troy Brooks (AUS)

This heat saw two surfers putting it all on the line in a heat with very few waves coming through. Troy Brooks pulled some amazing reverses on one wave but was still unable to gain a second score which allowed Hawaiian powerhouse Pancho Sullivan to take the win with an 11.17.

Final Score: Pancho Sullivan (HAW) 11.17 def. Troy Brooks (AUS) 8.00

Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs.

CJ Hobgood (USA)

After being sunny and clear all morning long, a fog bank rolled through during this matchup of the young rookie Flores and crowd favorite, CJ Hobgood. Both put up an impressive showing, but in the end it was an upset with Hobgood out and Flores on to his first ever WCT semifinal.

Final Score: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 14.17 def. C.J. Hobgood (USA) 13.67

Tom Whitaker (AUS) vs.

Ben Dunn (AUS)

In a somewhat lackluster heat compared to the heat preceding it, Ben Dunn started things off with an 8.43, but was unable to match the score with anything else. Tom Whitaker, however, was able to score an 8.83 and a 7.00 to win the heat and secure the final spot in the semifinals.

Final Score: Tom Whitaker (AUS) 15.83 def. Ben Dunn (AUS) 14.93

Quarterfinal

Heat of the Comp. #3 Taylor Knox (USA) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)

Semifinal #1

Semifinal #2

The up-and-coming rookie against the seasoned veteran. The future of the sport versus one of the masters.

Pancho Sullivan scored one for the old guys by dominating this heat and secured his berth in the final.

Final Score: Pancho Sullivan (HAW) 15.24 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 5.33

To put it simply, Kelly dominated this heat from start to finish. “It’s disappointing, but it’s fun to be against Kelly,” stated Whitaker after the heat. “You’ve got to bring your ‘A’ game. He looks at waves that you think he should get a 6 or 7 but he makes them 8s and 9s.”

Final Score: Kelly Slater (USA) 17.83 def. Tom Whitaker (AUS) 10.33

This was by far the heat of the contest. In a matchup of two masters of the sport and two great friends, this heat was one for the ages. The sun came out, the tide dropped to the perfect point, the waves finally began to show their full potential, and both surfers were going for broke. Slater started things off with a couple of high-scoring waves and then got a 9.73 under his belt, putting the pressure on the man from Carlsbad, CA. Knox then came out firing on his next wave scoring the first perfect 10 of the contest. Unfortunately, he was unable to match Slater’s score with another stellar ride and was eliminated.

Slater on the showdown, “I’d say that for this year, that’s probably been the best. This one was a real surf-fest. I knew Taylor was going to push me, so I had to raise my level a little bit, and I definitely feel like I did that for the heat.”

Final Score: Kelly Slater (USA) 18.60 def. Taylor Knox (USA) 16.67

Pancho Sullivan (HAW) vs.

Jeremy Flores (FRA)

Kelly Slater (USA) vs.

Tom Whitaker (AUS)

*****The Finals*****

Pancho Sullivan (HAW) vs. Kelly Slater (USA)

14

Lower Trestles is famous for its high performance waves and its history of being the location for new and innovative surfing. So to see Pancho Sullivan, born and raised on the hard-hitting, powerful waves of Hawaii’s North Shore, in the final here was somewhat ironic. Kelly Slater, however, has made the final here the past four years in a row. He got his maiden win here way back in 1990 and felt right at home.

Both surfers performed very well in the final, but Slater’s experience paid off and left Pancho scratching. Sullivan did have a chance near the end, needing a 7.00 to take the lead with two minutes left, but the ocean went flat and Kelly Slater secured his 34th career World Tour win, a new world record that vaulted him into second place in the ratings for the world title. Slater would go on to say afterward, “It’ll be nice to go and sit down and think about this one. This will be a very beautiful tournament for my year.” Pancho on his second place finish, “It was a little frustrating, especially needing such a small score at the end and having priority and not being able to do anything. But that’s the surfing competition. I still made it to the final and hopefully I can carry some momentum into Europe and keep improving.”

Final Score: Kelly Slater (USA) 13.40 def. Pancho Sullivan (HAW) 10.60

1

2

3

ASP Top 10

1) Mick Fanning

5270

2) Kelly Slater

5040

3) Taj Burrow

4511

4) Andy Irons

4311

5) Joel Parkinson

4029

6) Damien Hobgood

3824

7) Bede Durbidge

3467

8) Panch Sullivan

3462

9) Jeremy Flores

3438

10) Dean Morrison

3248

Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

24 September 2007

You’re STUCK Here! By Victor! Perfecto

yourestuckhere@gmail.com

[Comics] Sad Truth Comic By Purdy Fly, Y’all

Ask Father Holey

myspace.com/askfatherholey

...to last week’s crossword & sudoku

Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com. Used with permission.

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Long Beach Union Weekly • The Students’ Newspaper

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24 September 2007

EASY

Girly-Girl By Christropher Troutman

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penguin.incarnate@gmail.com

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Drunken Penguin Presents... By James Kislingbury

15

VOLUME 61

GRUNION.LBUNION.COM

George to Join Blue Collar Comedy Tour After Presidency

See Georgy the Presidential Guy page 7

ISSUE 4

George Fails to Soothe Baby With DeNiro Impression

TWO BUSH JOKES?! FOR REALSIES?!

See “Dis is a Pretty Baby!” page 13

Headlines Letters to the Predator

Amy Winehouse to Bring Forth the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Sup Preds, I heards some rumblins about the 49ers newspaper shutting their doors. This is Xtremely dis-derbing to me and mine. Are they goin only printing news on the internet?? Problem is; not every1 has puters to look upon news for?! What to do? I cans bearly tipes as is!! FAMIMA!!

-Rhiannon (Senior, Communications) Hhrrrrrrgghghhgggggrrrrrrrkkkkk.

H-h-h-h-htttttttg g grrrrg g gllleeeee.

49erssssssddddead! Sskull trophyyykk-k-k-k Hhhhrrrgghhh.

Dearest Nemesis to The Alien, My boo at the printing factory told me about the 49er newspaper closing down.

This leaves me deeply saddened. Where else am I going to find an 8 page newspaper with 6 pages of ads? It’s just like AH! you know?! I also suffer from severe recurring depression.

-XxSelfInflictedFan1exECS@yoho.org

No, no, no: Doctors still baffled by adament refusal to go to rehab, dentist.

Local Cat Found...To Be Curiously Delicious

Catsserole: Best with a chilled schooner of orphan’s blood, vintage 1994 or earlier.

OJ’s Muhammad Ali Impersonation Not Fooling Anyone

Heeere’s Juice: Movin’ on up to Michael J. Fox.

FfffrrrrrkkkkknnnnnxxXXxxssssssRRrrrrrrrrrRGhhhgggGG. HHHHCCCCHHHHGGGRRAAAKKKkkkkkggggggdistrict.

Dear Letters to the Predator, As everyone already knows, the campus’

number one source of funny is probably gonna die. I heard they’re going strictly online. What am I gonna use as toilet paper? A single issue is so thin that I can use the entire thing to scrape the shit from my crack in one fell swoop. I can’t wipe my ass with internet content!

-J-Dawg, Street Rappist J-DDDAARRRRRGhhhhhhhhhh, heheheeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkllllddhdhdrkkkkkkkkkkkkkssshhhhlkklleeeAAAAArk. ARkgggg. AARRRRKKKKEEE! And, on a lighter note: JhjjbbbkklllddddRRR, hhrrrrrrggghhrrrrrrrg.

Talks about rasism...

-Tammy Tttttaaammmmmeeee, ???

Daer Pradetor, So I am totally 100% straight. For sure. I love boobs, and vagina. I like to have sex with vaginas. I play lacrosse. Women.... mmm, damn, break me off a piece of that.

But lately I have found myself fantasizing about my best friend Trevor. Like, I will

be beating off in the shower and thinking about some smoking hot bitch I saw on the TV or the internets. But right before I am about to finish, the image of Trevor will just appear in my mind, naked and glistening, eating strawberries. And I am fanning him with a giant leaf. He swells into me, with those little nipples like stars and...and...hubububbbb.

-Graham p.s. AVP 2: Requiem looks like the shit!

Graham, HA-HA-HA-HA! Gay.

Utah Coal Miners Finally Ready to Come Out of Mine

Bowling Ball Fails to Turn Profit at Sports Auction

By Willie Burroughs GRUNION FREELOADER

By Earl Grey GRUNION NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

After a grueling seven-week standoff in which a group of Utah coal miners blockaded themselves in a mineshaft demanding safer working conditions, FBI officials announced this morning that the protestors have finally surrendered.

The standoff, involving six disgruntled coal miners, began after a series of Coal Union cutbacks—including downgrading from safety canaries to safety scented candles and from pollutant-reducing respiration masks to filtered Marlboro silver cigarettes—so enraged Black Lung-Face: Dead after camera-flash. were the fossil-fuel-finders that they decided to initiate a good ol’ Waco-style standoff.

Early reports indicated that while the miners may have been prepared to surrender many months ago, their tactic of waving a black flag confused the patrol on scene. Some speculate the black flag was actually a white surrender flag tarnished by the thick airborne coal deposits in the mine. Authorities were unable to determine what the flag was intended to indicate and therefore opened fire, killing seven Emery County citizens who were nearby playing the banjo next to a drainage culvert.

Besides the flag correspondence, no communication was initiated with the outlaw coal bandits, although many reported hearing odd moaning sounds emitting from the mineshaft which were assumed to be pagan worship ceremonies. The pinkopussy coalminers are believed not only to have started worshipping animistic coal Goddesses, but also to have developed a subterranean utopian society sharing their lives and socialist, terrorism-tainted beliefs with the Utah mountain mole-people who also inhabit the area.

The hippy-Nazi miners had, in the past, the audacity to demand the requisite work conditions mandated by the Mine Safety and Health Administration. Federal MSHA spokesman Rich Kulczewski, while releasing a rehabilitated golden eagle into the wild in an embarrassingly bathetic gesture, summed up the situation, “We’ve got some commies in there trying to be hard-asses and asking for things that real Americans would just suck up and work through. Just plain unpatriotic if you ask me.” Mr. Kulczewski then grumbled incoherently for several minutes and, sighing, spat into a nearby spittoon, apparently concluding his speech.

Pro bowler Jonas Gunnard’s rough week was capitalized this past Sunday after his perfect-game bowling ball sold for a dismal $15.50 at a Los Angeles sports auction.

Gunnard, who bowled a 300 at last Thursday’s PBA Championship, had expected to walk away from the auction a multi-millionaire.

“Yeah, I had certain expectations that weren’t met. Call me foolish, but I thought the sport of bowling still meant something in this country,” said Gunnard through toothless gums, an injury he sustained while obtaining his game ball.

Directly after hitting his 12th consecutive strike last week, Gunnard ran after the ball, slid down the lane and crashed head-first into the pin resetter, apparently believing there would be a mad rush to retrieve what he called, “a significant piece of American sports history.”

After 10 days in Cedars-Sinai, a stint that cost the un-insured 47 year-old upwards of $10,000, he went immediatly to the annual Los Angeles Sports Collector’s Public Auction.

Gunnard said, “The hospital cost didn’t bother me too much, although the cab ride to the auction was pretty steep. I thought for sure I would be making it all back within the hour.

“It was embarrasing really, seeing those Wimbledon tennis rackets and old NBA jerseys going for thousands of dollars while my ‘Tumbling Tanner’ sold for pocket change.”

But Gunnard wasn’t all frowns. “I am just glad that nice man sneezed and it was confused as a bid, otherwise I would be going home totally empty handed.”

Disclaimer: The Grunion is now more than 3 decades old, and we have only become more debonair with age. But there is one thing that has not changed in our epic, occasionally violent history: We still are neither ASI nor GOP. The views and opinions explicitly stated or alluded to on this page still do not represent the views and opinions of the CSULB campus, nor do they necessarily adhere to the moral fabric of the writers. We do this to secure the cheap seats in the deeper, more satirical bowels of Hell, and because the elephant in the room is becoming a bit of a sass-mouth. Send your rags to earlgrey@lbunion. com. Kid, get in the van.